Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 035 : Corporeal Offering

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Welcome to another episode of Beanie in with Jordan. Do us a favor, subscribe to the YouTube page and patreon.com slash beanie in pod. We're having fun. Early episodes Friday. Bonus Monday.

Regulars on YouTube's Wednesday. We're going to do a live stream. I need some lotion. We're going to start doing that. Do you have any lotion? We just put out a tattoo. Do I have lotion? Oh, no. I had lotion.

Oh, shit. I had lotion. Everybody's been saying. What happened to my lotion? Nelly, can you get the lotion? I had lotion upstairs. Nelly, I had lotion. Everybody's been saying. What happened to my lotion? Nellie, can you get the lotion? I had lotion upstairs. Nellie, I need lotion. We got tattoos at a tattoo shop.

She hasn't been paid once. R&D tattoo. She's crawling on the floor. Hurry up, pig. We went to R&D. Why is she doing it? Why is she getting it? You abuse her. She's got Stockholm Syndrome. She does this thing where she'll be talking to me.

And anyway, I just feel like we need to break up. And I'll be like, Nelly, I'm going to lay down on the ground. You're going to give me a full back massage. And she's like, okay. And anyway, I just really think she's like she's sweating in tears totally totally dude i cannot believe that i had lotion i was so excited to bring it down there it is nelly thank you nelly come here come on give me the she likes to be called nell okay now get the fuck out of the camera now fucking asshole so i went in to get the bat whoa i haven't seen it yet oh and did you get this touched up then he looks at this and he goes oh shit i did that entire skull

in gray wash so he was like you have to come back because so i can make it look like the bird and this is the same thing and then he added this in the back. I see that. It's really good. He did a great job. John Starr, shout out. He's at Gnostic Tattoo. He's the best because this woman scarred my entire body. No, no, no. That was you. Now, I know her. She's a friend. She's great. R&D tattoo, Rich Fye. I got this yesterday. Marie, my grandmother's name. Do you think it's too thick? Ain't no such thing as too thick, boy. You're a size queen.

Let me see. I'm trying to write a joke about how fat people are trans people. Losing a bunch of weight. Because you become a totally different, you become the person that you wanted to be at birth. You have a dead name. like Fat Phil, you know? Big Fat Philip, Philip the bus. Dude, one time I was drunk at the beach

and we were at this like late night eat spot and this guy paid me two bucks to call Fat Girl Tugboat and I just like went off. It was like, come on here tugboat. Come on door jam. Come on pig pen. And they just kept throwing money at me. Like I think

I want to be a comic. That's awesome. Tugboat's fine. I called her door jam. Door jam is Oh, let me see the tattoo. You think it's too big? I don't. I think when you get something here I actually

It's a wolf. A wolf? Nope. What? It's a wolf. It's a wolf? A wolf is the sound it makes. No, a wolf doesn't go woof. A wolf goes ooo. What does a dog do? Woof. What does a A wolf doesn't go woof. A wolf goes ooooh. What does a dog do? Woof.

What's the thing you're getting? Woof. Hey, can we ask Incendiary to bring those hoodies when they come? I almost ordered them, but they're like in Europe. What's happening? It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.

Is she a great big fat lady? Is she a great big fat person? That's me every time I have sex. Is she a great big fat? I take my shirt off. Is she a great big fat person? That's me before I have sex. I tuck it back. Would you fuck me?

Dude, I have a picture of you with it tucked back. It looks really great. Oh, thank you. I have a video of me doing that dance and going, would you fuck me dude i have a picture of you with a tucked back it looks really great oh thank you i have a video of me doing that dance and going would you fuck me and i put it on twitter fuck me no one liked it and i deleted it um i'm in love with twitter now i know you're really all over the place um dude uh this is great did you know the chick that's in the well is uh a new york hardcore chick she used to go to shows and shit. And she has a book coming out. The well?

In Science of the Land. Oh. I think if you got one more flower under her, don't you think? I was thinking about the flower there. Yeah, to integrate. Maybe I can add that. Who's Marie again?

My grandmother. That's her first name? Marie. You liked her? You did? Shout out Ryan Smith. My stepbrother, the one that I didn't have sex with. Yeah.

He's engaged. No, Grammy was nice but she really fucked me up. Her and my cousin bet me that I couldn't go downstairs without the lights on. I said, I'm scared. And they said, you could go down with the lights on. Okay, so I go down. And they turned them off from the top.

Shut the door and locked it. And I could just hear them laughing on the other side of the door. It's so scary now. I felt so bad. Me and Jake had to share a hotel room and we were watching The Last of Us and I kept having to sneak to the bathroom and the poor thing. He ate too much of an edible to try and sleep and he would just wake up

and I would just be over his bed. Why? Were you over his bed? Because I had to go to the bathroom but you know how you can't get back once you do an edible? No. I did indica sleepy. They make you sleep with CBD. I had a nibble of one, and can I be honest with you? We talked about weed on the show.

Can I be honest with you? It sucks. It was really bad. Good. So glad you said that. Is that camera level? But I took a Klonopin, and that, on the other hand, is incredible. You got to stop doing drugs.

Can I tell you something? Can I ask you something? Can I ask you something? You can do whatever you want. When we're trying to correct the going from California time, I think it's okay to pop a Valium or half a Klon. I do it and I don't do that.

I know. You are able to survive off of no sleep. You function. Look at my eyes. Everybody at the cellar last night said you look sick. That's what they were saying to me. You look sick. I love when I get told the cellar last night said you look sick. That's what they were saying to me.

You look sick. I love when I get told I look sick because that means I look skinny. And my fucking dumb bitch mom, I shouldn't have said that. I love you, Gail. She keeps going, are you eating sugar? And I go, yeah. And she goes, don't. You don't want to be fat again.

Mom. You were happier without. Good job. Good job. job keep going i can't stop eating sugar okay your mother was in the war whoa whoa whoa um okay what do you think about this everything i should i was joking about my mom being a bitch. I love her. She just got a new cat. What's its name? This is how much of an angel my mom is. She sends me a picture, says she's going to get the cat. And she goes, help me pick out a name.

And I'm like, what about Peter or Roy or whatever? And she was great. Right. Roy the cat. Rick. She wouldn't tell me. She wouldn't tell me her names. I think she was embarrassed.

I go, what are the names? She goes, OK, what about um sunshine or moonlight like you were just the sweetest woman she ended up going with milo oh yeah i want to see the cat because she had a retarded dog named milo with my dad should i get a retarded dog should i get a french bulldog no should i live alone said it yes we've said it so many times in the show if people are coming up to you in real life and going you look sick you probably shouldn't take care of a life because you can't take care of your own there it is the dog's gonna make those noises dogs make what noise wolf dog that's not a thing but a big creature? That's all my arm? Uh-huh.

Wolf. No! Yes, I'll never say yes. I prefer this so much to having a guest, except for Butterly. Me too. Butterly's great. I love Butterly. Sweet.

Pat and Eric were great. Pat and Eric were amazing. That was fantastic. I know, but just the tension is off. I know. I love it. Let's just be us. Also, I thought about it. I don't The tension is off. I know. I love it. Let's just be us. Also, I thought about it. I don't think we can change the name. Why?

That's so funny because I thought about it and I think we should. Really? Nellie, what do you think? Why do you think we shouldn't change the name? Shut up, Nell. Yeah, catch this. My dick. Ethan's huffing and puffing. Little Ethan got a haircut.

Do you see him? I like saying that. Here, here, hold on, hold on. Little Ethan got a haircut. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know Ellen was our producer.

Where'd you go for it? You do have to go to a lesbian library Lesbos are us I went to a Dominican man Good job, Dominican man Usually they take it off He did good What do you want? No

How much you want off the top? That's Mexican I was off You don't think we should off the top? No, that's Chinese. That's Mexican. Well, I was off. Now, wait, you don't think we should change the name? This is a revelation. Let's hear it. Well, if I say I'm the Jordan of being in with Jordan. Uh-huh.

Finish the thought. Also, why do we have to say the name when a host brings us up she has a podcast with ian finance because people need to hear the name so they can look it up there is this moment every time i try and find this one the dollop is that what it's called the dollop it's a podcast that i can never remember the name of and I do like it and it's hard for me to remember the name what if we called it Wawa Wawa the podcast well no I was thinking

I thought about what you said and to be egalitarian about it it is being Ian with Jordan you're an important part of the podcast. And as we said, it was set up beforehand. You know, the Lumineers doing the theme song really, well, Wes Schultz from the Lumineers doing the theme song really set us

up to where we're backed into a corner. If it would make you feel better, I think eventually we should change it I think to to Rat Brain. You think Rat Brain? Or the Adderall Hour. You like Rat Brain? Yeah, Rat Brain with Ian and Jordan.

Wow. Somebody already made a logo. Ethan hates it. I like Rat Brain. Yeah. The only thing, of course, is just the, you know, having to rebrand everything. I know. So it's just going to take a lot of work, but we can do it for sure.

I totally think incendiaries on the show, we should ask them if they would do the new theme. And then we shoot a new intro. I agree. And I wrote the lyrics for the B&E and theme song. Why don't we both write a verse for this theme song for Rap Brain? You like Rap Brain? I wrote some other. And I think if y'all are going to do it, y'all need to like.

Yeah, this guy made a logo for it. Somebody said they were going to make a logo of me as a Ghostbuster and you as a rat like Slimer. I also love rats. You do. Yeah. I was looking at it the other day how their skinny ones are in the subway track and the

fat ones are up on the sidewalk and there's a class system. You ever notice that? What about Ritalin Brain? No. Adderall Hour. Rat Tail. Rat Tails. Rat Tails.

Great. Whoa. Rat Tails. Iderall hour. Rat tail. Rat tails. Rat tails. Great. Whoa! Rat tails! I bet it exists. Probably. And back to my mom being an angel. Rat tails would be an angel. So I talked to my mom about this. And my mom

is the fucking best. Shout out, Gail. I know you watch a podcast. Fucking, dude. Saturday, March 4th, at 4. I know you watch a podcast. Fucking dude. Saturday, March 4th at 418 a.m. She just sent me different names for the podcast in all caps. Smoking and joking with Ian plus Jordan. Smoking and joking with Ian plus Jordan. Smoking and joking with Ian plus Jordan slash Scott.

slash Scott. That. I kind of wish my name was spelled like that. Jordan. Yeah. Do it from now on. You have a little bit of schmutz. Look pretty today.

Look great. You look sick. Why? Where is it? Where is it pretty? All over. Oh, thanks. Should we ask my mom?

Let's ask my mom. Don't look as dead. Hey, Siri, call mom. Rat tails. Woo. But it'd be hardcore like rat tails. Tails of the rat. Welcome to rat tails. Tails of the rat coming to you live from the sewer.

I'm going to get my mom's input. They're ready for screaming. Jane can pick up, but listen to this impression of her voicemail. Hi, this is Sue Cosentini. Mama. Speaker phone, asshole. It's on speaker phone. Okay.

What is the best podcast name? B&M with Jordan, me and Jordan, me and Ian. Sorry. Or Rat Brain or Rat Jordan, me and Jordan, me and Ian, sorry, or Rat Brain or Rat Tails with Ian and Jordan? The Rat Tails is like a double entendre.

A double entendre. An entendre times two. All right. Okay, Sam again? Me and Ian, Rat Brain or Rat Tails with Ian and Jordan. Or Rat Brain. Me and Ian Rat brain Or rat tails With Ian and Jordan

Or rat brain Or rat brain No the rat stuff is bad What Well I mean I don't know if you're actually the right person I am old and a boomer You're not old

You're old She's not old Accept it By definition I'm old and a boomer. You're not old. You're old. She's not old. She's old. She's not old. Accept it. By definition, I'm old fuck. So I might not be the right person, but the me and Ian, what's going on? What's wrong with being Ian?

Being Ian with Jordan? Yeah, that kind of sucks. Fuck you, Sue. I mean, the with Jordan part and then the cat meow. The cat meow's the best. Hey, Sue, how can you hear this conversation with a hearing aid in, you old lady?

How can I do it? I do it much better with the hearing aids, by the way. My mom just got one, too. My mom without the hearing aids. What? A rhinoceros is loose in the house and you're a monkey? I literally said hello.

It's crazy. They're a source of entertainment, the baddies. My grandma was deaf and for some reason, when I was in New Hampshire when I was eight, I found my first pubic hair and I called my grandmother to tell her and I used to call my testicles canoonies, I got, I found my first pubic hair and I called my grandmother to tell her. And I, and I used to call my testicles canoes. And I said, Grammy, Grammy,

I have hair on my canoes. And she went, what? You're coming home in a canoe. That's because her, she has a much more, uh, prosaic brain wasn't sitting in the gutter at the time. She's a grandmother. She also used to steal turkeys from Acme and get caught. She'd go, I have a brain tumor. Can I tell my mom my nude matrix bit? Yeah.

Okay. Okay. So the Wachowski brothers are now the Wachowski sisters, right? But they're in the top. Me and my mom loves The Matrix, but they're in the top 10 female directors. Yeah, what a crock of shit. What a crock of shit. And I said, if they had been women when they had gone into Miramax and pitched it, they

would have been like, we want to make a movie about, you know, everybody stuck in a simulation. Miramax would have been like, how about you simulate my dick in your mouth okay you want a little red pill i'll give you a fucking red pill pop these bitch right yeah oh totally yeah that's great i love it so fucking true um you know what i heard the other day that i love what someone i don't know if you're familiar with this whole Donald Hoffman thing about how like reality is completely dashboard kind of thing on our bodies. Anyways, I hope not. And,

and you know what, if it is, I, if it's a computer simulation, I'm going to enjoy the computer lane, the computer game until the software explodes. Anyway, someone said, someone said in one of these podcasts,

he goes, as far as I'm concerned, The Matrix is a documentary. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's good. I love it. The Matrix is the best movie ever made. Except you should go watch Whiplash, Mom. That movie is so good. I think

it's my second favorite movie. Unbelievable. Mom, you gotta go watch it. I know, I will one day. You gotta remind me. I think... I think Rat Tales. I like Rat Bering. I think Rat Tales, but we're telling tales. Our whole thing is tales. It is.

We tell stories. And we're disgusting. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat.

I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. I'm in the same boat. It is. We tell stories. And we're disgusting. I'm in the subway. You are in the subway. You're up. I'm up.

You're in the subway. I'm in the trash. Wait, aren't you guys together right now? What did you just say? Well, the rats in the subway are skinny and the rats above ground are big and fat. What? That's the class system. Oh, you look at the ones

outside the cellar. They're fat boys. So if I'm upstairs, you're calling me a fat boy. You're a rich one. You're a fat boy. I'm fat with money. No, anything's better. No, not rat shells. Mom, what's the word for when a royal feast? Corporeal?

Corporeal. Jake calls fucking a fat woman a corporeal? Yeah. Jake calls fucking a fat woman a corporeal offering. That's hilarious. That means a corporeal offering? Oh, that's great. I love that.

Wow. I'm glad my corporeal days are behind me. Yeah. Okay, Mom. Thanks. She didn't tell us anything. Rat brain. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, mom. Thanks. Thanks. She didn't tell us anything. Rat brain. No,

uh, any, anything but the rat ones, which it sounds like you're tending towards. Well, can you think of some other more imaginative, disgusting animal? Yeah. Why don't you think of it?

He's hanging up on you. Love you, mom. Bye. All right. Um, how about Possum Impossible Kim Possible Playing Possum with pals

How about Play Dead The Dead Gang The Dead Ones How about Rat Tail Rat King I mean Rat King I love we can ask our patrons to give us some ideas that's a good idea sign up for the patreon patreon.com slash b and e and pod

and let's have a vote i met the rat king one time oh also by the way how about hasidic no oh sorry i thought we were talking about rats no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. B&H, you're out. B&H. You're out. You're out, B&H. Oh, yeah. Fuck you.

Fuck B&H. I have never been more angry on the phone with those motherfuckers. And Nelly texts me. She goes, I think they're Hasidic Jews. And I was like, you know what? I don't think so. I actually think that this is a gay black man. And I still went hard on him.

She goes there, sends a picture. Swarm of them. Just a swarm of them. You can't call them swarms. They're not reservoirs. They're not dogs. They're not dogs. They're people. You don't know. They charged me twice. I've been there.

They charged all my cars. People make mistakes. No, they've made too many mistakes. Do you think that this lettering is too thick? No, I think it's too big. It's swollen. No. What do you want it?

Level? Level. No. You wanted it to be a. Ian. I do think it. I did. You wanted it to be a... Ian. I did think it was going to be like a ribbon bordered with her. I just like the script. Yeah, it's very hardcore.

And I'm getting a wolf's head. It's a wolf. And then I'm getting... What am I going to get? Can I get the wolf's head on my ribs? Let's do it. Tomorrow? Why not?

Can you do two? Probably. I want it here. Do it. Really? Where? I want it here. Do it. Really? Where? That's so cool. We put the leaves on that.

Yeah, he was stoked about it. He was like, oh, my God. Why didn't I do that before? Bat brains. Well, the ow. This is for the song. My brain is hanging upside down by the Ramones. I just got Ramone shirt shirt From low level Shouts

The guy that got That made the I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch Rabbit shirt I want that I gotta find the Should I run and find the Ramone shirt? It doesn't matter

Can I have one? I always order you things I know why didn't you order another one? Because I didn't think of it The new Insidiary hoodies are sick I know Their new record is fucking awesome Is it? How'd you hear it? I don't think of it. The new Insidiary hoodies are sick. I know. Their new record's fucking awesome. Is it?

How'd you hear it? I don't know. They're going to be on here to plug it pretty soon. Yes. And Jeff Rickley from Thursday wants to come. Okay. I love Thursday. Yay, man.

Oh, okay. Tomorrow we're going to see Scream. I'm going to blow up your date. It's my only night off. I really want to see a movie. Nelly, do you want to come? Be my date? Ethan? Do you see scary movies? I assume that you don't.

Nelly. What time? Nine. We're all going. Yes. You'll meet Olivia You'll get to smell her Oh

And you know what's very funny Every time we've tried to go to the movies It's been a complete disaster Because of me and you Are friends Yeah Do you remember I like this so much better

I never want to have a guest again The Fandango debacle I don't know what I was so depressed while you were gone and so mad at you every time we spoke. Me too. I was really angry at you. Why? You were mad. You can't go. You were mad at me and then I go I was angry.

You called me a moron and an idiot in a group text. And a mutant. And a mutant. Yes. I was using those words as a joke like when I said oh my mom this fucking bitch. I don't mean it. I think you saw me as a joke. Like when I said, oh, my mom, this fucking bitch. I don't mean it. I think you saw me the night that I hit rock bottom. That was bad. Well, guess what? You keep digging, bitch. At the stand. That was bad. I had a good time. I went home and sobbed uncontrollably until Ethan had to come into my room and hold me until

I stopped shaking from one Ethan to the other Ethan. Wow. I was crying in the bathroom. Caitlin Plufo went Jordan like she heard and comes in and just gives me a full bag of Hershey kisses. And then Ethan's there. And then it was really nice. It was like all my friends rescuing me. You don't care that I had a whole night of sobbing. I wonder what that is. I felt like it was related to PMS, but it was about nine days out. Dude, are you? It's like hot down there. Dude, my therapist office is so hot. Also, the 45-minute

sessions, what are we doing? I don't know. You're in, you're out. I need some time. It should be an hour 15. Yeah, well, everything you just said makes me think that your therapist probably wants them shorter. Yeah, I think he does.

Yeah. I made him cry. Jesus Christ. I did. He teared up. He was like, you're like this patient I know who was in solitary confinement for 10 years. Yeah, it's never good when they compare you to the word patient. He was like, this patient I know that was in solitary confinement for 10 years. It's never good when they compare you to the word patient. He was like this, this patient I know that was in solitary confinement for 10 years.

And then he received human touch from a nurse and he was very moved by it. And he, and he was became emotional because of the human touch. You're like that. And I was like, what, what? He was like,

even though she worked for that thing, just any amount of love was enough for her to, because you're so used to violence. Isn't that terrible? And then I thought about it. Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to be at Chicago Zanies. I got a switchblade knife.

He gave it to me. Good. You know who I'm talking about? Joel Wachowski's dad. Is that where you got your? Oh, I saw his wife at the airport recently oh Gabby but is that where you got the brass knuckles?

no I got that in Ohio hey did you know move over Nelly camera can see you did you know that I missed a flight because I had to shit do you know I shit myself today don't tell me where the pants are or what you did or anything, please, because I'm very

contamination station about poop. Please don't tell me. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Apropos of nothing, I'd move if I were you. Oh, God. Oh, God. No, it stayed in my pants. It was a little sharty shart. No. You ever shart? No. When was the last time you sharted? I've never sharted.

One time in preschool, the woman wiped my butt. I loved her very much and then she died. I was very sad. I've talked about this before. Everything you touch turns to shit. Especially my shit. It is true. I do have a curse. You are cursed? I have a curse.

It's insane. But I love you. It's true. Whenever I have a fear, like I was worried about dying in my sleep and then my dad died in his sleep and then I became obsessed with paralysis and then my best friend became paralyzed and then I was really depressed and wanted to die and then she died. And then I was worried this guy would cheat on me and then he

went and cheated on me. And then I was worried that this other guy who broke up with me would find a really hot girl who was taller than me and skinnier than me and good at art. And then he did like the next day. Don't ever ever ever think about me yeah can you be afraid that I'm going to get a really hot girlfriend please I made a best friend who I loved and then she got leukemia

she's fine shout out Emily oh I said I'd shout out this guy his name is I met him last night he's a big fan of the pod he is a Montreal open mic-er soon to be a good comic Paul Katzner. Sweetie McGee listens to the pod. What up, Paul?

Thank you. Shout out. Speaking of which, Paul is the name of the ex who met the girl who was hotter. Her name is Ava. Shout out to Paul and Ava. Hope you're very happy together. I'm fine. Anyway, things are going great.

Did we talk about the Drug Church Angel Dust show? Yeah. Where I cried. And you crowd searched. Crowd searched with a cane. And I said, he's got a bad back. He's got a bad back. He's got a bad back.

Yeah, we met Ricky from Flat Spot Records. That was great. Who was it coming from? Ricky was cool. Yeah. So was Justice. You know who's really cool? Justice.

Justice. So hot. he's so hot his eyebrows his gold front teeth what are we doing oh my god he's so hot his stature yeah yeah should we I'm really sorry here's the thing everybody

thinks just so you know podcast listeners you keep saying this I'm missing a teeth bag here I'm not okay it's just sunken in and I got my braces ripped off prematurely because I didn't want to be a nerd. And I wanted to suck dick better. You ripped your braces off? Yeah, I pulled them off myself. I was always nervous about cutting dick with my braces.

Yeah, that's why I pulled them off so I could cut some dick. And now you look like you're toothless. Yeah. I could get a gold one there. What about a gold fang? How did you tear them off? With some... What about gold fang? How did you tear them off? With some... What about gold fang as a name?

I think rat tails. I think it's cute. I think rat brain. Be an Ian with Jordan. Be an Ian with Jordan. Be an Ian with Jordan. That's the one. We got to get a new thing.

Hey, what's up? Coming to you live from a hotel room in Detroit. Detroit has a comedy. Shout out. But what I want to shout out right now is, let's get some mood lighting in here. I don't know how the lights work. Anyway, I want to talk to you today about deep sea.

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You probably can't, but when you hit checkout and you hit the button go, Ian and Jordan sent me! Okay, bye. Hey, everybody. It's your old pal Ian here coming to you from a hotel in Detroit. What up? I just want to tell you about something fun, something cool, something all the kids are doing,

and that's called a Lucy Breaker. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Lucy. Let me tell you, regular nicotine pouches from the gas station are trash. They're saying, are you garbage? This is being Ian with Jordan. That's right. Get that trash out of here. P.U.

They're weak, flavorless, and they suck. And not in a good way, like a blow jibby. Lucy Breakers. Their pouches have tiny nicotine capsules that burst like a blow jibby, Lucy Breakers, their pouches have tiny nicotine capsules that burst like a blow jibby to reveal delicious flavors like mango, berry, and even espresso, what do you know, I love espresso, anyway, I still haven't gone to my P.O. box to get the Lucy Breakers, but they sent them.

I'm going to try them, I promise, okay? Matter of fact, producer Ethan, if you're watching this, is there any way you could go to the P.O. box and tell them to go to 273 and get all my mail? Because I get charged every day that it's there for over eight days. And let me tell you, it's been a while. So sub to the Patreon and use promo code ska for lucy breakers so that i can pay for my p.o box they got different strengths and you get to choose the amount of nicotine you want what's better than

that huh visit lucy.co l-u-c-Y.co, and use promo code Ska. Hey, what's that promo code? Lucy. That's my dog's name. She's dead. But you know what's not dead? The deals that you're going to get at Lucy.co. That's right.

Lucy.co, promo code Ska, to receive 20 20 off and always free shipping lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified this product contains nicotine yeah no shit sherlock nicotine is an addictive addictive chemical yeah that's why i'm smoking all the time because it's addictive and i love it. Lucy.co promo code SKA. S-K-A. Get in there. Get some nicotine pouches because I know when I'm smoking them y'all want to smoke one too and you probably can't.

So pop a pouch in and hang out with your pals Ian and Jordan. See ya. You know? Just put it over it. You know what's cool? When we got the matching tattoos, it's because we reached a Patreon goal. We got 1,000 Patreons. And now we're at over 1,100.

Thank you, guys. That's really cool. Yeah. We got new equipment. You're really cultivating a fun thing here. We had to get new equipment, and a lot of it came out of pocket, actually. Very much in debt.

Yeah, so more of you need to fucking join. Yeah, don't unsubscribe I've been shipped in fucking money around Don't be a fucking pussy My fucking capital one card Got declined Yo Comedy Addict paid me 1700 including travel

You get ripped And they flipped out on my feature And everybody was like it's the best club in the whole world For what He showed up at 7.07 show starts at 7 you're gonna rip into my boy you're gonna rip into my fucking son

you're gonna go in and you're gonna fucking I used to do this thing where I'd imitate someone that I was having sex with their dirty talk but if they were an Irish immigrant, they'd go, oh, you didn't come here with all that cum not to put it in me, did you? That's a Mexican-Irish immigrant?

No, that's an Irish immigrant. But you can almost make a Mexican-Irish. What are you going to do with all that cum there? You better put it in me, boy. Have you seen Banjos of Endurian? That should have won the best movie. I hate the movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once. It's because you're racist.

Banshees of Inshiren was hands down. I would watch that movie 40 times. The fuck is Banshees of Ed Sheeran? Of Inshiren? The Irish one? Ed Sheeran? Of Inshiren? Innersheeran?

Innersheeran? Banshees of Innersheeran. Ah, the Banshees of Innersheeran. It's a really good movie. If you watch it, I want you to fuck me in the ass. It's a really good movie. But everything, everywhere, all at once. It's good, but you would never watch it twice.

It's a mental, I mean, it's like an acid trip, but not, but cringe. What's your go-to plane movie? Oh, easy. Ford versus Ferrari. I love that movie. You can get fucking wet in your little seat on the plane. Christian Bale. Matt Damon.

Cars. I mean, what are we doing? Racing. What are we doing? It's your new catchphrase. What are we doing? And what if we called it retaliation? Rat-tallion.

Retaliation. I kind of like that. Me too. Retaliatory. Retaliation. Rat-tallion. Oh, rat-tallion. I kind of like that. Me too. Ratalatory. Rataliation. What other movies do you watch? Rat-talliation. Rat-talliation.

Rat-scallions. Rat-scallions. Rat-scallions. Welcome to the rat-scallions. I like Rascal. Rascal Flat? That's my truck's name. Rascal.

What did I name my car? My motorcycle's name, Ramona. I's my truck's name. Rascal. What did I name my car? My motorcycle's named Ramona. I named my bicycle Old Henry. Old Henry. Old Henry. My friend just married a man named Andrew Olszewski, so now her name is Michaela Olszewski. Olszewski.

Olszewski. Olszewski. Olszewski. If her name was Olszewski I'd say oh shit you're gay Oh shit Oh shit myself upstairs Oh shit your fingers in my ass Oh shit you dick in my mouth

Summer to December to remember Oh shit me off a bridge I wanna die Cause I'm married to you And her last name was Goldfield Did she change it? Nelly's just pissed she wasn't at the wedding. We could get

this girl Teffy who I was in LA with recently. Shout out Teffy. What's up? What's up Teffs? She has little stars right here and they're the hottest things

I've ever seen. Dude, there's something about a chick with like a diamond or like a gold thing. Should we get rid of it? Fuck them over a sink. I'll do it if you do it.

Oh, you know what? 1300 patrons one of the goals is that we're going to go camping. How about a gold star instead? Okay. How much are they? Nelly, could you look up how much a gold star adhesive is for the tooth? I had a friend

here that got the diamond thing and it was like $75. $750? Do you take it off every night? $75 is fine. What? $75? They just glue it. Does it come off?

Anybody can take it off. It can. Did Jordy take the Leatherman? I don't like that. Fuck me. God damn it. Don't mind if I do. What was that?

Was that a shovel? He said, fuck me. You're a shovel cock. Remember how one time you said swashbuckle or swashing off the ship? I say that now about squirting. Swashing off a ship. You said it was like she was washing a ship. I took that now about squirting. Swashing off a ship? You said it was like she was washing a ship. I took that.

Because you're not using it and it's so good. How do you know I'm not using it? I've heard you tell that joke and you never say it. Oh, when the woman squirted? No, no, no. It sounded like a high school softball team washing a car. Right, that's what you say. But I liked when you said washing a ship.

So when I talk about my squaring joke, I say washing a ship. Is that okay? Okay. Thanks. I say this thing about how, um, don't,

don't, don't, don't. It's rude and it's bad. And I'll repeat other things you say. I was fucked by a hot dog man in a car. Nelly, how much is it? That's nothing. Let's go.

I want it. Right here? Do we know any dentists? That's a look for you. I'm not doing it. Look up, Teffy. Let me see your teeth. You gotta do something about the one. You gotta do something about these because it looks like you just fronts.

You look like you live in Puxatawney. Oh, God. Yeah, I know. I used to have this thing that went up there that you would twist and it would spread them apart. And my friend Brianna, she would crank it open. And one day a tragedy happened. I started vomiting and it got stuck in the thing stuck in there, which made me vomit more. Right. Cause it got stuck in the plate,

made me vomit more. Couldn't stop vomiting. Guess, guess who picked out all of the vomit out of my plate? Your life is just probably a big book. Uh, Your life is if scary stories that tell in the dark came true. But it's a great series. Yeah. Yeah, you're great, but you're fucking frightening. Shout out Bob Wachowski brought me, ready for this,

a really nice handmade leather clutch. Is that what it's called, Nelly? Snatch? The bag? Whatever. A nice clutch that I could bring to weddings. I'm going to a wedding. And then, yes, brass knuckles and a switchblade knife. That's so cool. I checked it. But the switchblade knife is beautiful. It snaps open. He said he sharpened it for four hours.

Bob, can you send one to me? 442. Oh, do you need do you want you can use the brass knuckles if you want. Did you lose them? 273 Brooklyn, New York, 11206. That's her P.O. box. Talk about Sweet D. Did you get some Sweet D? No, but I did slip up. Oopsie poopsie. She's a bad child and she needs to be punished. Listen, I was...

It's not what you think. I didn't do that. I didn't do any of that. I didn't do that. I didn't do any of that. I didn't do what you think. I slipped't do that. I didn't do any of that. I didn't do that. I let I didn't do any of that. I didn't do that. I didn't do it. I slipped up to what you do. I've been trying not to look at porn.

I was up till 9 a.m. looking at gay porn. I jerked off on my floor after my run yesterday with my feet pushed up against my door so my roommate wouldn't walk in on your floor while listening to Mac Miller. How sad is that? I mean, sad. I've been running a lot. Or Brendan Sagalow's dream.

Yeah, totally. I've been running a lot. It's been really good. Skiing really helped. Skiing was amazing. Ski trip was awesome. Yeah, I knew because you weren't texting me that much. And I was really, I was proud of you.

I mean, I knew you were having a good time. Yeah, but the weekend before was like so fucking stressful and you know what i realized you know when i kind of lost it that day and everything yeah what did you realize you were off your meds well i forgot to take my meds i knew it dude you were so fucking mean also the week before i went on the honeydew with ryan sickler which was really great amazing he's awesome but we had like a really in-depth um talk about my dad in a way that i haven't done before publicly and i think that kind of settled in and it like shook some stuff loose i was just like a very angry person and um you know i i flashed out and I love you and I'm sorry

that's okay I accept you thanks Jordan I shouldn't have lashed out like I did in the group text I just felt like I was bulldozed but I realize that you look back and it looks like you're agreeing with me I was I know I totally was agreeing

and compromising and trying to like help but I think we have to do voice notes instead me. I was. I know. I totally was agreeing and compromising and trying to like help. But I think we have to do voice notes instead of text because sometimes my texts come off or like I'm responding to something you sent. I'll take it. And at least I'm not a mutant.

No, I'm saying moron. I'm not saying you're a moron. I'm saying saying moron comes up. This is so nice. I know. I got that in Vegas. I was going to buy you a really sick gift. I won't say what it was, but it was whatever. But then I looked at the bottom of it. I was in Malibu, L.A., and I swear to God, it was like an ashtray for like 250 bucks. It was insane. I've never seen a more expensive place in this piece of shit. Oh, lucky bug art. The guy that made the ashtray for the pod, he made me a travel ashtray because I've been smoking in hotel rooms now. How do we stop the smoking thing for real? It's not. We don't. OK, I don't want to get mad. Stop

bringing it up. OK, but what about the done? You say don't bring it up. Done. You say don't bring it up. You say bring it up. Done. Done. What if I get you a duel? Can you try this and feel it? No, I don't want to. Can you just feel it? It feels like a cigarette. Time for lotion. Do me. Okay. Well, more ketchup on my end. Ian's going to be in a movie. No! No!

Anyway, he's in a movie in my mind. And... Is my life a movie? I saw a man on the subway wrestling with a banana like this. He was holding it like this. Like this on either end. And then he was making his arms

also into banana shape on his tiptoes. And then he was also making his legs into banana shape. And I knew what was going on. I knew it was acid and I knew that he was connecting with something. So then I went down off the platform and I recorded his body. And then you just all of a sudden I'll show you the video. You see him drop and he looks at me and he just chased me all the way through. And it was the scariest thing and i had just gotten into a libertarian argument about how we might not need cops and then i hid behind these cops but i will say that man who was wrestling with the banana i understood him so much like he was like becoming this banana it was amazing and it made me realize we can't be shipping these people off

they're shipping them off to psych wards when all that guy was doing was becoming a banana and there's nothing wrong with that that guy's not getting shipped off to a yeah he chased you

just for a minute he just chased me because he was like it wasn't bad he didn't do anything it wasn't a bad chase it was like a new quest like he saw me

videotaping and he was like oh you and then stopped focusing on you were videotaping him yeah was like, oh, you. And then stopped focusing on it. You were videotaping him? Yeah, you want to see the video? No, you shouldn't videotape strangers without their consent. He was hidden.

That was what was so crazy is he couldn't see me. And then he dropped, makes eye contact, and I scurry away. And he was like, no, you, and followed me. But anyway. You were a Green Day song because you're a walking contradiction. Hey, my dad, in the last letter he wrote, we wrote, you're a walking contradiction. Hey, my dad in the last letter he wrote me wrote, you're a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction, which is a Chris Christopherson song, then a Bob Dylan song.

I think it's probably the other way around. But it was a great song. Thanks, Dad. Didn't notice it until years later. That's beautiful. Yeah. I like that. Touch heads.

That stuff. I've been missing my dad hardcore. Yeah? Yeah. When I go through breakups and a man wrecks me, I'm always like, get him dad. But then he's not there. No, he's there. I thought I saw my dead friend in the park the other day and it was so intense. I was sure it was her and she was on a date with a woman, which is so something that she would do. It was kind of nice seeing her. I kind of just pretended it was her for a while. And then right when the woman started to turn so I would be able to see the full face, I waited

until it looked the most like her and then I started running so I didn't see the actual person. And it kind of felt like a little visit and it was nice. That's nice. I like that. Lean. Lean rules. Now I understand more why you think crazy people shouldn't be locked up in their own way.

He was becoming the banana. He was doing a good job. He was teetering on his tippy toes on the edge of the... Can I tell you an experience I had with a crazy homeless person? I went dance. There's one that happened that we saw that you need to tell also. Please don't forget that

one. Do you know it? It was so funny, but I can't remember it at all. I do. So, don't forget that one. Do you know it? It was so funny, but I can't remember it at all. I do, I do. So, okay, so there's this homeless trans woman that, like, is always on the train begging for money, right?

And I've seen her for, like, years or whatever and her spiel is like, you know, like, I need money, I don't have a job. She always gets fired from her job, right? Yeah. So, she kept going on and on about getting fired from her job because she was trans. But what she's not bringing up is the fact that she legitimately has fuck you tattooed on her forehead. Oh, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, I don't think it's discrimination because of the trans. I think it's you're unemployable because you fuck you tattooed on your forehead. So funny. unemployable because you fuck you tattooed on your forehead so funny and i saw her again uh coming down the first avenue l subway right one night she's singing she's going on i shot the sheriff and i was like in a good mood and i wanted to like sing with her you know and i was like but i did not shoot the deputy and i meant to sing along with her, but when I went, but I did not shoot the deputy, she went, but I did not shoot the dog. I didn't shoot the dog.

No dog. They killed the dog. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. No dog. No dog. And I was like, what the fuck happened to the dog? I didn't know we were doing remixes. She put a little stank on her cover of a cover.

No dog! Hiding crimes? That's just hiding crimes in songs? That's like Italian men hiding baggage in their things where they're like, what am I alone in this world? Get me some coffee. And you're like, what just happened there? What just happened when you said that there? Have you noticed that? It's something I realized about old

people. They'll be like, I never loved your grandmother. Shut the window. You're like, what's happening? Do you do that on stage? No, I've heard you do that on stage. You're running bits that you've done on stage. You have to do that on stage. You should run more bits. You say bits here and then you don't say them on stage no you were so mad the other night when you were doing that show you were gonna fucking burn the audience down that was crazy i've never seen you more mad when you do the thing where you sing song we were like i'm gonna fucking kill myself in front of all of you you're an ugly person it's crazy it's so because sometimes he's happy and he's doing and he's like i'm just a little guy and wanted to dick in my mouth and that's adorable but this time you were

like i'm gonna burn everything down and i hope your children die oh yeah i was losing it um that's wait but then the other day me and ian are in like an argument and he goes he goes look at this blind guy he goes he's like looking over my shoulder and i think he's like deep in thought and he goes look at this blind guy just tapping cars and i turn and the guy just has a blind stick he's just tapping cars as they drive by and then he walks up to us and goes he goes can i have a cigarette and he was like he was like i don't have i don't have an extra one he goes I ain't blind and you were like

okay and then we parted ways and I was getting into a cab and the blind guy was on the ground and these guys were picking him up and they see me and they're picking him up and they go oh Ian we love you

on this blah blah and I go hey them up and they go oh ian we love you on this blah blah i go hey thanks and then i go to shut the door and i pop my head out and go by the way he's faking it i shut the door and drove off they just drop him in the street that was so funny when he walked us up to us full fucking googly eyes and glasses i ain't blind and we were like all right well the funniest part is we're having this thing and I'm like, I want to fucking kill everyone. I'm so fucking like this fucking this piece of shit that and then you're like, well,

you know, it's just a thing of like, you know, and I'm like staring and I go, this fucking blind guy tap in the car. What? He's just tap in the car. What was he doing that for? Setting up his little blind spiel to make people think he's blind. And then he came over and told me he wasn't. What was he doing that for? Setting up his little blind spiel to make people think he's blind and then he came over and told me he wasn't.

What time is it? Oh wow. Five. We're good. Dude. We get more daylight now. No we don't. Do we get less? More. Nice. Thank the Lord in heaven. Yeah. Do you think your guy would do me at three?

He's doing me at three. Would he do me at four? Maybe. Does he have another guy? Why don't we call? A wolf? Why don't we call and see if there are any openings tomorrow at three? Because everyone at the shop is great and you can go

when I go. Okay. Yeah. In other news. Problem solving. That's my favorite. Stealing burps. That's my least favorite. In other news, yes.

Let me think. I did comedy at a weekend. It was fun. Got a switchblade. They don't pay well enough. They yelled at my feature. I'm not super down with that.

Moon Tower. We're doing Moon Tower. We can't do South by Southwest in the same year, right? South by sucks. Oh, I didn't know. Don't say that. But if you book us

and pay us, I can't wait. Yeah. No, we're doing Moon Tower April 18th to the 23rd We're doing stand up shows and a live P&E with Jordan podcast Taping And we're also doing a live pod April 12th at Helium Comedy Club

In Philly Where in which we're going to have either Butterly or Tommy and Chris from Stuff Island April 12th at Helium Comedy Club in Philly. Where in which we're going to have either... Butterly or Tommy and Chris from Stuff Island. Not all. Why not? Yeah, all. Maybe Shaner.

My friend Shaner. You would love him. But who's maybe? We got to wait to hear from Tommy and Chris. But if Shaner and Butterly come on, that'd be a fucking blast. Yeah, fuck Tommy and Chris. I want to fuck Tommy. No, hear from Tommy and Chris. But if Shana and Butterly come on, that'd be a fucking blast. Yeah, fuck Tommy and Chris. I want to fuck Tommy. No, you want to fuck Chris.

No, he's taken. Everyone in that house has like wives now. It's a wives house. Used to be a bachelor pad. But Chris and his girl want to last. You know what's so funny? The other day, oh, for the drug church episode

when we were going off on January 6th and he was like you know the Q shaman or no no January 6th this and that and there was a moment of silence and you just peeped up and go shaman if you're

single call me bro the shaman, if you're single, call me. Bro. The shaman is so hot. And he was peaceful. He was a peaceful leader. I think he might also be retarded. No, he's schizophrenic. He's bald.

I love him schizophrenic, though. No, you don't. You're right. Yeah. You don't know real schizophrenia. I like abuse. You do like that. I like one good guy, one bad guy.

I like a cop, bad cop. Good cop, bad cop upstairs is alright, but a whole neighborhood full of them. Man, shout out Jeffrey Asmus. Eat my ass ass-mus. Why, what happened? Because he fucking takes a clip. He cuts it all up.

Makes me look like shit. Has me bash Louis and Libertarians. he just fucked it all up and worst case scenario sounds like i'm bashing sebastian and his coke maybe you should be aware of what you say no i didn't say anything they cut it in a way that sounded like that bro you want to watch it it's literally cut in a way i don't here. Bro, you want to watch it? I don't. It's literally cut in a way. I don't. Here's what I was saying. I was saying. Nobody would know if you didn't mention it. They said, why do you date libertarians?

And I made the joke like, oh, they hate women. I hate women. I hate myself. That's why. It's a joke. But the way they cut it sounded like I was saying the bad thing that Louis said was the thing that they, the libertarians said. It was just crazy.

I saw it. You were like a very famous comedian, blah, blah, blah. It was stupid. We know who you're talking about. Yeah, I don't know. And why are you saying that publicly? Why am I saying this publicly? You're right.

You're right. You're right about that. You're right about that. I get manic and I say things I shouldn't say. Yeah, well, don't blame, you know. I assume nobody listens to Asmus' podcast. No, that's not nice. So that's not nice.

No. That wasn't nice now. No, don't say that publicly. Okay, don't say that publicly. Jeffrey's fucking hilarious. And also. He is hilarious. You gotta don't say that publicly. Okay, don't say that publicly. He's, Jeffrey's fucking hilarious. And also, He is hilarious. You gotta cool it with what you say publicly, even about relationships and stuff, because it can get back to them.

I know. Especially if we start doing live streams. I think I might be a libertarian. No, I think you might be retarded. No, I thought about it and I think I might be a libertarian. I'm serious. Why? Well, because I started doing all this research on it and I realized I might be a libertarian. I'm serious. Well, because I started doing all this research on it and I realized I might be a libertarian.

I'm a democratic socialist, which is hilarious because all those fucking communist fucks think I'm like some capitalist pig. I got a joke about that. Ready? Yeah, and then I want to say something. Hold on here. I wrote it down.

It's funny if I read it. Hold on. Actually, jokes are not funny when you read them. But here's what I think. Oh, oh, oh. Communism is like incest. No matter which way you try it, the end result is always going to be retarded. Communism is like what?

You know how everyone's always like, if we did communism our way, they didn't do communism right. Communism is like incest. No matter which way you try it, the end result is always going to wind up retarded. Get it? Because if you have incest, your kids are not good. You shouldn't use communism.

No, but that's the argument. Everyone's always like, well, communism would work if it just was changed a little bit different. Communism would work if we did it our way. But retarded isn't the word. It's feudalist or, like, fascist. What? It's just not retarded. It's not retarded.

The outcome's retarded. It's stupid. It's dumb. It's not stupid. It's just really aggressive. I mean, what are we, the bit police? Oh, sorry. Okay.

You agree with me? Okay. I voted for Bernie in every fucking election i'm the asshole i voted for bernie too listen here's what i'm saying dude apparently hillary is gonna run hillary and kamala speaking of woofs woof woof woof. Woof. Okay. So you literally sent me a clip the other day to caption where it's just you barking at an audience for like five minutes. And I literally moved it. I went right into the trash.

You're right. It was unbelievable. It was a bad idea. It was unbelievable. I'm glad you didn't. Unbelievable. I'm glad you didn't. You were like, I'm just going to picture what she's doing.

Woof. Next caption. Woof. Next caption. Louder woof. What's wrong with you? Anyway. I'm not good at clips. I was Woof. What's wrong with you? Anyway, I'm not good at clips. I was laughing at you going like this because you were going.

And then you'd see you be like, surely, Ian, move on. And then you'd be like, nah, and you'd start barking in. I kept woofing at a guy. Every time a man asks for you for money on the street, you say no, because you're like you're getting EB2 food stamps, you're getting welfare. But if we didn't have any social programs, there would be a business that would help those people. I do think. And that's why I think libertarianism, if we had a fresh start, would work, because I do think. Let me stop you right there. This whole if we had a fresh start, that's OK. Fine. Without a fresh start, because I do think that if you know, if there was a company start would be great. If Amazon was like, yo, you guys are getting really annoyed by these guys wrestling bananas

on the subway. Ten percent of all of this stuff will go to that. I think that we would trust that more than we trust the government allocations of money. Right. Yeah, but humans are infallible. Anytime you take people and they get a little bit of money, a little bit of power, they lie in their own pockets. And then we put them in power.

Yeah. And that's the way because they lie to us and go oh i'll do that right but the aoc was like i'm for the people and then we were going to open an amazon factory in queens and she was like no actually that's not good i have one question about libertarianism that i can't get well i'm not smart so go ahead what i'm asking nelly what would be smarter no no oh my god what would be the she fell asleep while i was talking she fell asleep while i was talking welcome to welcome to everyone's life when you talk what if that was just the last straw what if that was just the last dig i could ever take. I'm masturbating.

I'm a woman. I used to think that I had a problem because I thought that girl from Stranger Things was hot, but only when she cried. That's a problem. Which one's that? The child. Oh, 11? Listen.

So. Dude, Millie Bobby Brown Millie Bobby happy pappy Mitzi in the happy wappy Mitzi in the happy wappy Millie Bobby Brown as Eleven looks like Tom Hanks' girlfriend in Big Do that at home

Which also, she's a pedophile in that movie, by the way. We never talked about that. Of course. Sarah Talmash made a whole thing about it. Oh, really? Yeah, great. Great video. She's great. Yeah, she's great. Shout out Sarah Talmash. Yes! That'd be great. That's... Fuck you-know-who we're having her on. Okay? We should prank

call my ex-boyfriend, Paul. He should... Listen to me. Hear me out. Because he would just play into it. You know how people don't know what's going on? If you do a silly voice, he'll just keep doing it. Do you want to do it? Not particularly. Oh.

Do you know what I'm saying, Nelly? Like, he would just riff back. He wouldn't even care who it was. But that's bad. You want someone to, to like react poorly. Not fun. But imagine if you got a prank phone call. What would you do? You would just react back, right? Yeah. He would do that.

Yeah, but that ruins the idea of the prank for the pranker. No, because you can never do that with a stranger. You'd have to do that with somebody you know. But if you call a stranger and they're just riffing back, having no idea who you are, that's kind of fun. Yeah. Do you want me to prank call him? Who's this guy? I'll prank call prank on him. Who's this guy?

I'll prank on him right now. Who's this guy? Yeah, you can't reveal that you have any knowledge. You just have to do a prank. And I bet he'll play right in. If he hangs up, he's a different person and I can be not in love with him anymore. Don't you think? I bet I have his number memorized. Ready? Don't say it. I'll whisper it. If I have it memorized, I have to kill myself.

Yeah. What? What? Tell a story for it on Pod. Are you? Oh, you gotta look it up. No. Jesus. We should get a Google voice thing and call

people from that or have people call that and talk to us hey how you doing i'm all right how are you i'm all right too well good talk see you later click next call my voice is going set that up for the live stream so people can call in. Oh, people calling in the live stream. Bad idea. True. Yeah. We're like, we're going to watch what we say publicly.

We're calling from an unidentified number saying whatever they want. No, no, no, no. Yeah, what are you going to do? Tell me about him. They can leave us voicemails. Oh, New Hampshire. He's the love of my life. Ian, they can leave us voicemails.

Yes, that'd be fun. Hey, tell me about him. Just be a goblin and he'll be a goblin back. What does he do for work? He's a carpenter. I taught him. What's the name of his company? I'm sure he doesn't have one.

He's a potter. But don't make fun of him. Just be a goblin to him. Hello. Be a goblin. You do it then. No, he'll not recognize my voice. Immediately.

A job? Just obviously be. Dude, in eighth grade, we would call people four in the morning from the phone book, and they go, hello. And I go, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. call people four in the morning from the phone book, and they go, hello, and I go, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, this is Aerosmith Steven Tyler, and you just won concert tickets.

I would hang up immediately just because of my... Call him and pretend to be a lost grandpa. Hello? Yes. Hello? But don't use his name. He's not going to pick up. Oh. Hello? But don't use his name. He's not gonna pick up. Gay lover.

He won't pick up. He always gets... If I hear his voice, I'll come. Cut it off. Oh. Yeah, you're right. Oh. Sorry. Yeah. All right.

That's an hour. Yeah. We did it. It was fun. It was fun. Yeah. I feel like I had something else to say. Moon Tower.

Moon Tower. You ever been to Spokane. Yeah. I feel like I had something else to say. Moon Tower. Moon Tower. You ever been to Spokane? Yeah. Is it good? Years and years and years ago. Oh, Comedy Connection was a blast, huh? Isn't that a great room? I'm going to tell you why.

The fucking best. Because they're dark. Corey, Dave, you're great. And they're on vacation. It's a beach town, but it's the mafia. They're so fun. They drink, but they're kind of spooky they were fun they got it dude i had so much the crowds that are coming out are more and

more fucking fans diverse yeah and like fans and that's so fucking cool man to like look out and it's all a bunch of fucking different type of people and weirdos and stuff. It's fucking great. I ripped on you on the show where I was just on. What'd you say? He goes, one guy goes, What show? Said, uh, Comedy Addict. He goes, Incendiary or something like that. And I was like, oh, you know, I like Incendiary.

And he goes, well, I know Ian and Ian likes him. And I was like, I showed Ian Incendiary. No you didn't. I have a fucking Incendiary um, um, um, shirt that I cut into a tank top that I got in 2017. I showed Ian incendiary. No, you didn't. I have a fucking incendiary shirt that I cut into a tank top that I got in 2017. I showed you them. Not in 2017. Yes. No.

No. Well, I was wrong. What are you talking about? Anyway, I said that. And then I said. Silence is a sentence. I said, if I ever have a toy, you always want to play with a toy. That's true.

That's very true. Okay. Next order of business. We get a French bulldog, Brutus. Nicknamed Rick. He sits here. We pet him all day. Alright, number two. Yes? Should I have sex

with a living person? I vote dead, man. Dude. One of my friends, we were in L.A. Oh, nope. Can't tell the story. Whisper in my ear who you're going to have sex with. I don't know.

President Barack Obama. Bill Clinton. George Washington. George Washington's corpse. Who would I have sex with? Like a hinge dude. There's some hot guys on there. Do it.

I can't. I can't let him in. Yeah, you can. No, I can't. Let him a hinge dude. There's some hot guys on there. Do it. I can't. Why? I can't let them in. Yeah, you can. No, I can't. Let them in. No. Let them in.

Knock at the door. Hello. There's nobody home. Hello there. There's nobody home. No, can I get. No. Can we have some fellas come inside?

No, there's only. Is there room for one more? I just have a. At the inn tonight? I open it and it's just the clip of you. I'm just wondering if sex is like a good thing for the soul or if it will suck the life force out

of me. Any ideas? Stop having sex and making it like the most serious thing in the world. Just get jammed out to get jammed out. Jammed out? Yeah. Better to be jammed out. You know what I want to do? I want to be the third in a threesome.

We'll do it after the movie tomorrow Olivia and Ethan but you can't come ok fine I play video games alright thank you for tuning in guys you're the fucking best Jordan where are you going to be I'm going to be in, when does this come out?

Three weeks. Oh, fuck my ass. I got no fucking idea where I'm going to be in three weeks. Okay, I know where I'm going to be. No, you're not going to do that to me. I'm going to pull it up. Go ahead. Go, go, go.

IanFidance.com for all my dates. I'm coming up Zany Chicago up first weekend in April. And then I'm going to be in Columbus, Ohio for Don't Tell and then we got Moon Tower that's right, Moon Tower in Austin, Texas, come on out, come and see us and then I can't wait

because it's May 4th 56, I'm in Zany's Nashville and it's going to be fucking awesome, I love it down there I'm going to hang with Lucy. She's the best. And oh, man, I got comedy on state coming up. Bunch of fun stuff. IanFyDance.com for all my dates.

You're the best. OK, the first weekend of April, I'm going to be in Addison, Texas. Then the weekend after that, the 7th and 8th, I'm going to be in Laugh, Seattle. Then after that, I'm going to be at Sandman Comedy Club, which is in Richmond, Virginia. I love Richmond, Virginia. Very excited. Then Moon Tower. Then after that, oh, I have a wedding to go to. Congratulations, Nikki Klepper. Then I'm going to be at Comedy Vault Batavia. That's May 4th in Illinois. And then something else the funny bone in Hartford Connecticut

Jordan Jensen comedy.com big boy Wombus on Twitter for the fucked up shit it's not me it's somebody named Jordan Jensen with a G it is me but you know don't tell anybody okay bye Outro Music