Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 074: Begging The Question W/ Francis Ellis & J.P. McDade

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Hey everybody, January 4th through 6th, Philadelphia Punchline. That's right, I'm coming down there. And then January 11th to 14th, me and Jordan are at the Sunshine Comedy Festival in Tampa, Florida. Get tickets, IanFidance.com. I'm going all over the place and you can see Jordan live on the road too at PunchUpLive.com slash Jordan Jensen. She's not here. She's on the road. You slash Jordan Jensen. She's not here.

She's on the road. You should be seeing her. Matter of fact, I get to go on the road. See you there. Bye. Telling jokes and having smokes. Riding bikes all through the night.

It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian. the night it's a wild ride when you're being in coffee ice no matter what now you know he likes it in the butt it's a wild ride when you're being in being in life is shit but you're positive let's find out what it's like to live alive being in being in with jordan what is a dancing bear party dancing bear party francis it's those stripper parties, the male strippers, and then the women. There's a whole bunch of women. Shabbat Shalom!

Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas! Kwanzaa to all! Welcome to the Christmas episode of Bein' Ian with Jordan. But today it's Bein being Santa Claus with the Grinch. Ho, ho, ho, ho. And our two little elves, Francis Ellis and JP McDade.

Thank you for being here, boys. Yes, and we're sorry we did not tell you we had costumes. Did you put double book us? Yeah. Yep. And here I came in expecting this podcast to be real orderly.

Yep. Neatly organized. I answered the door. I could see through the nostrils a little bit. Disheveled. I could tell Francis was pissed because well, we're here on the phone. Well, we were ringing the doorbell and nobody was does it work?

Yes, I ignored it because we were finishing a patron. I see. Francis had tacked up his schooner right up to the dock and was awaiting your answer. I just don't. I'll never understand how someone who looks so similar to me would try to play the white wealth privilege card. You can see the difference.

I'm being a class traitor right now. Wow. Yes. That's like me being like, how about this Duke lacrosse player over here? I get to feel like an underdog so few times in life. Let me have this. You're taller than I am.

JP looks like he might paint houses in Maine. You know what I mean? He has that vibe. JP looks like he might paint houses in Maine. You know what I mean? JP looks like he fucks like he climbs a ladder. Very slowly and carefully. And I need a spotter. That's how I fuck. Four points of contact the whole time.

OSHA. Do you guys know OSHA? Yeah, we all know OSHA, Ian. They don't. Francis Ellis is from a different fucking country. Where are you from? Where are you from, Welsh's Grapefruit Snacks? Where the fuck are you from?

You're not from here. I'm from Maine. Speaking of painting houses, yeah. I'm from Maine. From a wealthy family. Now, not when I grew up. So how did you learn to comb your hair like that? I don't comb it.

I just go like that. You don't comb your hair and it looks that good. You throw a little product in there. What do you use? I use DevaCurl. I don't know what it's called. It's some kind of paste that I buy at CVS.

I just want to thank you both for serving in World War II. They were heroes. Yeah. You were heroes. Wait, who was heroes? We were. They serving in World War II. They were heroes. Yeah. You were heroes. Wait, who was heroes? We were. They look like World War II soldiers.

The guys on this couch. Oh, yeah. I used to have G.I. Joe's. I love America so much. Google G.I. Joe blonde, and I had one that looked exactly like Francis. Insane. Sergeant Major Winners from Band of Brothers. You look at us as World War II veterans but you're like, which side?

You know? Interesting. British. Yeah, we both kind of look like RAF pilots. People always tell me you look like a bad Nazi. I am British. I like the idea of a good Nazi.

We took down the Jerrys in the Battle of Britain over the skies of London We dug in deep We kept calm and soldiered on Let's do rapid fire impressions JP go Hey

Good to be here on the podcast Bill Cosby Next Francis Over Christmas we're going to go to Maui And Oahu Yes Jordan Next, next, next. Francis. Over Christmas, we're going to go to Maui and Oahu. Owen Wilson. Owen Wilson.

Yes, Jordan. I think of a woman. I think of a man. And then I take away all reason and accountability. Alec Baldwin. No. Al Pacino? The Joker?

Close. Heath Ledger. Jack Nicholson. Yes. Yep, yep, yep. Close Heath Ledger Jack Nicholson This is your game Ian I am really blanking right now You got skipped back to JP go Alright go

Anyone The Grinch you spend so much time In a cave You're gay now Christopher Walken Similar to Christopher Walken if he was on Gun Town. Similar to Christopher Walken, much younger. Comedian. Oh, this is Anthony

Jeselnik. That was really good. Amazing Jeselnik on Stick or Treat years ago. Christopher Walken to my spell. Do a bucket of clay. But thank you. You put the little paws together and made a pot. I had to put the watch in my ass.

You suck. Okay, ready? In a bucket of cum. Alrighty then. No, you're just doing what you see. One more time. Alrighty then. Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

I don't have legs. They don't work Alrighty then You can do Rocky There you go My lips messed up Because a forcep Fucked my face up When I was born

That's actually What happened to Sylvester I'll do Trump Really good Really good to have Friends is here Really good to have J.P. McDade

Love the boys We like J.P. We love to have him. Am I doing my answer the right way? That's pretty damn good. Thank you. You could say Donald Trump is the true Grinch. He loves Christmas, that's for sure.

You know what? We double booked and it was a mistake. I wish we had a piano so Francis could play. What? You didn't know? Do you play piano? I sure do. You're so good. Really?

You're good? He plays really good songs. Man, I went on a date with a guy the other day who was good at piano, so I thought he was going to be funny and interesting and artistic. What did you go on a date with a guy? The bone marrow. Oh, yes. I'm sorry?

How did that convey all the information that you needed? Because everybody made fun of me because I was trying to be more feminine. On a date, I got ball hair. Ball hair? That's a very different thing. I hate that you guys don't know what that feels like. Ball hair? We need a strike hair.

It sucks. It really sucks. It's really hard. It's really hard every day. It's really hard every single day. You meant ball hair. You didn't mean hair ball. That was good, Ian.

Ball hair. Joke of the pod so far. I meant ball, testicle hair. Yeah. But I went on a date with a guy and everybody was like just be don't be so dykey and I was like okay I won't be dykey and they ordered soup and I was like I'm doing great soup is such a

and you chugged it can you put it in a thermos but then because I can't do salad because I do the goat thing you know what I mean when you're eating salad you know I have a video of her doing it last night if you want to see it and then it's really disgusting. Oh, did you eat those leftovers?

Some of them. And then I was like, well, if I get soup, I'll surely perish. I'll sit here and perish before this man. So then he was like, do you want anything else? And I said, I'll take the bone marrow. Which I had, I came back and Caitlin Plufo was like, like a bear? You ordered that like a bear? And then everybody made fun of me. But I didn't know bone marrow was so good and I'm very iron

deficient I don't know if you can tell by the darkness in my face and the lightness at the same time so I started eating that yes I started eating the bone marrow and it nourished me to a whole new level what I want to know is why did you think that the soup would put you in mortal danger thank you what was the threat when you said that I I did not know what the soup would put you in mortal danger? Thank you! Because when you said that, I did not know what you meant. Because you ever think you don't get enough food that you'll faint and die? You thought soup,

just the general... I think if you don't finish the story, I'll faint. Why did we interrupt her? She was close. She was close. So then, and he played piano and wasn't there. No, no, wait. No. It's your turn. So then I ate the bone marrow

really ravenously like a dyke and and then I went With a spoon or did you eat it like Then that's fine. And And hold on. She said and. And what? And I don't I'm not going to go on a date for a while again.

Because of bone marrow? That was, I'm so sorry to hear that. I thought maybe it was like, well, we, then we bonded me and this man because I hid my masculine side through eating bone marrow. No, I kept making jokes that he didn't understand even though they were really funny like what like at one point he accidentally put himself into the booth of the into the host booth and he was like and he was like he was like i don't really know what's going on and i was like i think everybody knows that i was like i think everybody can see that and i kept and i kept being like just making jokes about people coming by, like the Italian mafia servers were saying stuff.

And I would look at him and basically be like, this is insane. This feels nuts. And I would look at him and he would be part of the nuts world that I was living in. And I was like, this is futile. I think I get where he's coming from. Was he laughing at all? It's like kind of communicating threats. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, mocking him. threats and you're like yeah yeah yeah and you're like

mocking him a little bit and then going and then going you're part of the reality that i'm not involved in everyone knows you're stupid everyone here and tell you're clueless it must be because he doesn't think women are funny. That could be it. Well, neither do I. This guy sounds cruel. You tried to soften things. You're like, hey, what do you have in a marrow?

What do you have in the way of a bone I could crack open? And then Jordan said, I'd like to see you again. How about tomorrow? I knew it. I knew that was coming. I knew it. I knew it. He adjusted his posture. I felt it, and I was like,. I knew it. I knew it. He adjusted his posture.

I felt it and I was like, sure. I got the guts. It was a 45 degree. Let that one go. There was a shoulder rotation that indicated. So if I could say, what I would say is if you're, if you're with a guy on a date, who's making you feel like second guessy about your food choices, not the guy. I didn't feel second guessy about it because of him. I felt because

of everybody else at the cellar who was like please do not eat like a wild boar. I didn't say that to you. I didn't say that to you. But then you ordered marrow. Yeah, because if you tell me not to do something I do it. The N word is really difficult for me all the time. It is. Dude.

It's bad. The fuse is lit. The fuse is lit. Get that bleep button lit. So people said be... Get that bleep button ready. So people said be dainty and then the server was like, do you want anything else? And I was like, bone marrow. But I also...

I also didn't know that it was going to be served in a full fever. Do you have anything that comes in a tibia? Surely. Do you have anything that I can hunt and kill? I'm not that hungry now. Don't even open it. Let me crack it open.

Bear meat. Bear meat. Soup. Out of skull. I'm not that hungry. Just tendons for me, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just grizzle.

Yeah. Oh, Lord. It was like I ordered it off of the server's body. Like, he walked by and I was like, I'll take your bone, boy. That must have been a nice restaurant, though. They don't serve bone marrow at many places. And I ended up paying for it because I felt so guilty. Oh, that's a nice restaurant.

That's where you went. So you were five feet from the cellar. That's why all that dialogue was on your mind. Yeah. All this input from these people is just frustrating. Well, and I ran away from the date, as I always do. And I ran into the cellar, and they're like, how did it go? And I told them everything. But I always go on dates, and then I never see them again. And I'm like, it's because I I always do. And I ran into the seller, and they're like, how did it go? And I told them everything.

I always go on dates, and then I never see them again. And I'm like, it's because I'm dumb and stupid and ugly and bad. But it's really because I don't like the person very much. Can I tell you about my date the other night? Not rings. We already talked about it too much. Tinder ring? You can't talk about the poet.

Five golden rings? Who? A poet. Who's a poet? The one who rapped at you. Well, now we have to tell it. Oh, I went on a date with a guy who thinks he's a pirate. He's a gay pirate. He knows he's a pirate.

That guy knows he's a pirate. Yeah. Like, like sat. He had gloves on with rings over. Oh, no. Are you getting the impression I'm turning into you? Oh my god, what's going on?

Anytime we have company, you become What's that kid's name? Reem? Brandon Reem, remember him? Okay Remember he did puns? He was a comic He had a famous Twitter that said Oh yes, a reference known also Anyway, so anyway

Me and the gay pirate Didn't work out but I went on a date The other night With a girl I need to hear more evidence that this guy thinks he's a pirate Because that's just a stylistic choice The evidence was That we went to a show and a comic

Was like hey Did you go on a date with a guy the other night At Cafe Reggio and I go yeah And he goes yo that guy Thinks he's Cafe Reggio and I go yeah and he goes yo that guy thinks he's a pirate and I was like what and he goes check on your schooner outside you might be trying to board it

the vein in your forehead is also growling it's a sign of eroticism have you a problem with my arousal? No, I really like it. Hey, let me tell you, you pull out some bone marrow, this fucking dog's going to bite. Don't let me see any of your grizzle, boy.

Get you some marrow. He's getting boned up. Yay! Oh, no. He's catching Ian. Oh, no. Have you catching Ian. Oh, no. Have you done Cellar Vegas yet? No. We got to send him there to meet Cohen.

Oh, wow. I met Cohen. Oh, okay. Virtually. Yeah. So he's got the Rift disease. But wait. I don't have the Rift disease because I can be normal.

Okay. I just like having fun. And on the way down here walking down the steps, I thought, oh, I'm getting loopy. You missed a tell last night. A tell got the Riff disease and could not stop. Really? And he kept riffing and he would be like, I'm really sorry. Wait, what time?

Because you left before us. We'll riff. We'll riff. But what acts of piracy did this man commit that indicated he was in their life? He was trying to pirate his ass. He's a gay man. What more of a pirate do you need? What's a pirate's favorite slur?

A hard R. I wrote that. Oh, good. Thank you. That one wasn't a Hedberg? Is a hard R the N-word or retard? The N-word. The N-word because you said the N-word or retard? The N word.

The N word because you said the N word and you said the word retard. But you said a hard R is a slur. Yeah, because if you say the word with a hard R at the end, how's it sound? It's a varietal. It's a varietal. The N word is a wine and the hard R is the Sauvignon Blanc. Yes. The most delicious and fun one to drink.

Personal preference. It's like you were born in that little hat when you said Sauvignon Blanc. Thank you so much. Really, really. Yeah. It comes in your size. Yeah. Try to accessorize as much as possible.

Yeah. And look at Francis acting like he doesn't know. Like it wasn't his confirmation name in his fucking church. What? What? Yeah, what? The N-word.-word oh oh that's not a saint look it up that was that's what i pray sometimes you're so stupid but in the weirdest way like like you just use so many words to describe such a vivid picture but it doesn't make any sense? That didn't...

I'm so tired. What did you just say? Doesn't it make you laugh to think of that? St. Edward, yeah. St. Edward or St. N-word? Say the bad one in your head. With St. Nicholas? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Like you're fusing those two together yeah you're not getting that we need to stop recording i get it i i'm gonna be with you oh god

that was god telling us to move on that was god telling us to stop. Wow. Ian, don't worry. I'm going to be with you 99% of the way on this pod. But I will be fair to myself when I don't think it's great. Good. And I will abstain. Can I ask you something? How do you know my boy, John Kennedy?

Um, I know him from comedy. Don't you think he's going to be a little, a big, a big boy? I do. Isn't he going to be a big boy? He's so likable and wonderful and smart.

He's very cerebral. Thank you. I don't know if he's likable. Cause he says things that are really mean. Like the other day he was like, do you, what's he was like, how come your eyes just have like a dark makeup going all the way your eyes in a circle and i was like those are dark circles from not sleeping and being 32 and he's like oh it looks weird and i was like yeah he's a little autistic boy but he's so funny yeah he's very funny he's what 24 he's a child yeah the world is ahead of

him but i was wondering how you two knew each other because I would imagine you guys just saying the meanest things into each other's faces. No. Francis is a sweetheart. I did his podcast the other day. You have evil. There's an evil thing going on.

But I keep it at bay. Yeah. I have. It's also where he keeps his boat. You do something bad. You're crazy with sex, aren't you? No. He's crazy with sex.

No, I never was. Really? I was talking about Jordan. What do you with sex, aren't you? No. He's crazy with sex. No, I never was. Really? What are you talking about, Jordan? What do you have sex like? Normal style? Yeah, pretty, pretty normal. Yeah. What's the matter with you?

What do you mean, what's the matter with me? You don't think he gives off crazy sex vibes? Not at all. Everyone always says this because of, everyone always just says from American Psycho, there was this paradigm of like a guy who's put together must have horrible demons and behavioral issues. No, Armie Hammer. You look like Armie Hammer.

That's a big one. Yeah, but there are plenty of people who are like normal. Brush their teeth who don't murder women. Yeah. It's not that you brush your teeth. He doesn't have to have a thing. Just shut up. It's that you talk slowly and calculatingly and you're very put together for sure. But the way that you have proper diction

makes it seems like you would put the butt plug into the butthole and demand that it not be removed till the end of this session. Yeah, because why else? When else would you remove it? I know you want to take that out right now, but it would mean a lot to me if you could wait until my alarm goes off.

And if you don't, I'll skin your body and wear it. Look, I don't I think that I don't I don't like to fuck up words. I just don't like to stumble. I'd rather think about what I have to say. Did you use to have a list as a child and somebody beat you for it? No. It said I used to get in trouble for saying things impulsively. And I would speak and then realize, oh no, I shouldn't have said that.

No. No. Just, you know, getting in trouble all the time. Really? School and then wherever else. Would you talk shit and like get hit for it or like you would just say like i get in trouble with school uh you were like a shit talker with like friends you get like one time in uh sixth grade we were playing capture the flag in gym class and i was standing in the

free alley zone where you can't actually get tagged was standing in the she was playing defense and said i dare you to come out here and I said I'll come out there if you pull me out by my penis and then she told the gym teacher who you want to talk about Dyke holy shit

yeah and she these are their real names so we might want to bleep some of this, but I don't see, this is exactly what it's totally. They're fine. See,

we're getting you back to your old ways. Then, then told, uh, Mrs. I think her name was Merrill, the principal who called me into the office. And I went into the office to sit down and she's really mad.

And then she called in and brought five of her girlfriends who were also my girlfriends in. And I said, what is this? I went, what is this? How old are you? And Mrs. Merrill goes, be quiet, Francis. And then they went around the table and described why each one of them had been hurt to hear what I had said to me. of them had been hurt to hear what I had said to me. And I said,

I don't understand how there is collateral feelings being hurt here. You get it. You love Louis C.K. Well. Wait, how old were you with this? Sixth grade. And you said things like, how is there collateral?

Everybody thinks it was Harvey Weinstein. It was Francis Ellis. There was so much damage from something like how is there collateral everybody thinks it was harvey weinstein it was francis ellis but this was there was so much damage from something so small innocuous right that i just from those were the types of things that happened to me constantly that made me think i need to fucking think before i speak i beat the shit out of a girl because she didn't bring me the right teddy bear into school one day beat the shit out of her and she was homeschooled ever since. And nothing bad happened to me. There was a... Never mind.

The wrong teddy bear. Yeah, I beat her up and I said, bring me this teddy bear tomorrow or I'll beat you up again. Oh, you did a preliminary beating. Yeah. I liked your teddy bear. Well, then it's on her. She knew the terms.

Yeah. Well, she was bullying other kids, but I was the biggest kid, very fat. Okay. So I could just wallop a child. I see, but I was the biggest kid. Very fat. So I could just wallop a child. So I was the Robin Hood of bullies. Are all those new tattoos? Is this all new?

It's so vibrant. Thank you. What's a tecaderm? It's a film that you put over a tattoo and it heals in five days rather than scabs up. Dry heal like a real person. I usually dry heal.

You never dry heal. I dry healed the one on my shoulder recently. As you said, I usually dry heal. You're a tegaderm king and everybody knows it. You try and lie on the pod when we have all this evidence. I'm not lying.

You gaslight me into thinking that I lie because sometimes I say things and sometimes I do things. You dry healed one time. I dry healed all these, you healed one time. I dry healed all these, you fucking cunt. What are you talking about? You put a diaper

on your tattoos. I got a hoodie. You heal fine. I don't know what. He goes, it's a double gas light. It's a gas light off. So you recorded a special.

Well, I was going to. Never mind. I was going to say Ian uses tug-a-dom. Yeah. Speaking of which, can I just get this out? You said you beat up a girl. She was homeschooled afterwards. There was a kid.

He and I used to fool around in the bathroom stall. And then in front of people, he touched my penis. And I chased him down, beat him up and he didn't come back to school the next year. Oh, you were one of those guys. But don't worry, karma got us back. Now we get paid to joke around all day about it. It seems like there's

a Fugazi song about that. That's a wild thing to happen. It's a whole episode. No, like an Immortal Technique song. Yeah, why would it be a Fugazi song? I don't know, just like some thrash punk type of thing. Like a scenario that played out in real life.

Don't touch my dick in front of people. I lived white moonlight. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I did beat up that girl because she was bullying other kids sexually and scarily at her house. Okay. And I wanted to take that. Then she got homeschooled as a result. You made her house. Okay. What? And I wanted a teddy bear. Then she got homeschooled as a result. You made it worse.

Yeah. What do you mean? She didn't take kids home. That girl was... You beat her up because of that? No, you said it was the teddy bear. That's a fucking little stink she's thrown on to make herself seen. No, it's not a stink. That's true. Ask anybody. We'll call them right now. She was a little weird sex pervert. She was abusing other girls at her home

sexually? Quite an allegation. Well, I was one of those little girls, but I didn't mind so much. No one's ever going to believe that any other woman could hold you down. I know. That's what I said. I didn't mind so much. You know what really pissed me off? One time I was in the river and I had to pee,

but I didn't take my pants down fast enough, so I peed my pants. And I was like, can you please not tell your mom because I'm really embarrassed. And then we walked in. She was like, of course I won't. And thened my pants and I was like can you please not tell your mom because I'm really embarrassed and then we walked and she was like of course I won't and then we walked in and she was like Jordan Peter pants I did that to my grandfather you tried to drown him in a river? no no no he tried to

back up me and my cousin got in his little Peter car and my dad's truck was behind it and he reversed and the back of his car went underneath the truck. He pulled out and goes, don't tell anyone this happened. And I ran in the house. I go, Poppy crashed the car.

It's so fun to do that. My sister used to make me swear on a Bible that I wouldn't tell mom that she beat me to a pulp. And then my mom would walk in and I'd be like, she beat me to a pulp. Let me ask you this raises a good question it does not beg a good question which is something you're not supposed to say continue

it's illogical fallacy it's self contradicting and I don't understand why this begs the question you can't say it begs the question it's logically incorrect because you don't beg a question you can't say it begs the question why it's logically incorrect because you don't beg a question you beg someone to ask a question is that why you beg a question to be raised yeah so you say this that we're speaking of begs a question to be had that's it's colloquial

crazy no it's not that's so crazy what you just said no No, it's not. That begs the question. It raises the question. It begs. It summons the question. Because what you are hearing is so crazy, you must ask a question to discern what it was. So that begs the question. I'm right.

Don't just adopt a Willy Wonka tone to make yourself right I actually never said with Ian but I do think he's right you just ended with the very same fallacy we started with you said that you said at the end when you brandished your fucking cane you said this begs the question

which we can't say we just established no no no this begs the question, where do you get off trying to tell me that I am wrong about this? If I had a raccoon in my hands, you'd go, well, this begs the question,

where'd you get the raccoon? Yes. I would know better. I wouldn't say it that way. But it's not a fallacy. It's a colloquial. It's like when people say- Someone look up why we can't say.

Do you know why? No, I've never like when people say, why we can't say, do you know why? No, I've never heard this one. Who says we can't? It's just like when people say, you can't demand things with violence. I have to look it up. But this is why people have canes. It's like when people go,

I could care less. Yeah, because they get their asses beat for saying stupid shit like this. Oh my God. No. No. It my god. No. No. It's Christmas. You little bitch.

You fucking bitch. I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't hit me. I just threatened you to sit you back in your seat. I threw it too hard at you. Get away. Put the cane down. Cane's illegal now. Okay, you guys ready for this? Francis.

Begging the question refers to a fault in a dialectical argument in which the speaker assumes some premise that has not been demonstrated to be true. In modern usage, it has come to refer to an argument in which the premises assume the conclusion without supporting it.

It's a misused phrase. It's like meeting of the minds. People always misuse the phrase meeting of the minds. No, no, no. It means an agreement. Yeah. People say like, oh, we're having a meeting. Because your minds are meeting.

We're having a meeting of the minds. So it's like that. Begs the question, meeting of the minds. Often misused phrase. Francis. What does it originally mean? I was correct. No, Ian.

We can't give you credit. You're not correct. I don't think we can give you credit. The gas light has jumped from this couch to that house. My brain's been on the whole time, you green bitch. Why did, okay, in classical rhetoric and logic, begging the question or assuming

the conclusion is an informal fallacy that occurs when an argument's premises assume the truth of the conclusion. Here are some examples. To make an argument based on a false premise that does not agree on is begging the question? Stop. Let her speak. And then the corollary to this is that in modern

usage, it has come to refer to an argument in which the premises assume the conclusion without supporting it. This makes it more or less synonymous with circular reasoning. Here are some examples. People have known for thousands of years that the earth is round. Therefore, the earth is round.

Coca-Cola is the most popular soft drink in the world. Therefore, no other soft drink is as popular as Coca-Cola. The modus ponens in logic equations. God possesses all the virtues. Benevolence is a virtue. Therefore, God is benevolent.

The phrase begs the question is also commonly used in an entirely unrelated way to mean prompts a question or raise a question. Although such usage is sometimes disputed. So that begs the question. What is it saying you should say begs a question for? Raises the question is the proper way. What is it saying related to the all batches? The way you're about to use it is completely wrong because you're putting it in front of the thing that begs the question here comes the question no begs the question is a complete sentence basically like if you were to say one of those statements like for thousands of years

people have known that the earth is round therefore the earth is round that begs the question period that begs the question period followed up by the question that begs the question colon then is the question ian you're just not going to be capable of grasping what's going on i don't know i don't either i don't either can i tell you can i try go it used to mean if somebody says that begs the question what it's that begs the question is the earth round is saying that in relation to saying the earth, everybody says the earth is round. Therefore, the earth is round. You have to beg the question is the earth round to begin with.

So I think begs the question means you call the premise of the statement into question. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Which is exactly what I said, that the thing you're discussing begs the question because it does not make sense. discussing begs the question. I forgot what the thing we were discussing was. Because it does not make sense. So you beg the question. The question is being brought up to then. Why don't you say an example to see if you understand?

Well, what was I getting at? Because I had something before I went into this. You were begging a question about something. But we forgot it. And it certainly begs a question. Grandfather running over. You're using it wrong still. Yeah it certainly begs the question. Grandfather running over. See, you're using it wrong still. I did it on purpose.

Put your mask on. What you're. Fuck. I had something I wanted to ask you guys. Can I can we just go back real quick? I am correct because I specifically said that when it begs the question, puts into question, you must ask a question to clarify the initial topic that you're discussing.

If what you just said is correct, it's only because you made it fit with everything you just learned. I said it before you said the definition. You kept moving your own goalposts. No, I didn't. This is why he always doesn't move goalposts. You always move goalposts. No, I don't. Yes, you do.

You say that's what I meant later and you make it fit. It's because you shrink down and your perspective can't see the goalposts. You never thought that what it meant was that the original premise being posed as the thing that has to be in question you thought that it meant um um ethan uh has been in his room for six hours that begs the question is he fucking somebody in there no you thought it meant a logical fallacy in an argument that was uh that was created i'm gonna beg the question right now i Ian was just tasered five minutes ago. Therefore, he's probably wrong. Now, what would the question be begging?

What would you beg in that question? That begs the question, is his behavior influenced by the taser? Then the question would be like, are people who get tased incapable of answering questions correctly? Yes. Is there a cause and effect to tasering? This, this is good.

I think you've unlocked it. And you got us there, too. Thank you so much. You really let us. This is a real wrong thing. You're ganging up on me for the bitch? I'm not. We got way a lot farther away.

That's not what it is. I'm liquid dark, dude. I'm the opposite of Gaslight. That's not what it is. If what we just did is actually the solution to this I'm really pleased because I've never understood it it's the logic equation all bachelors are single men

that is a solid logic equation right because the definition of bachelors is they're single men but if I said that all people named Francis are single men that would beg the question if all no that's a single men, that would beg the question if all. No, that's a false equivalency. It would beg the question, are all bachelors Francis or something like that?

Yes, yes, yes. Are all Francis's bachelors? Yeah, which is what I said. You don't get credit. You didn't even show your work. Okay. We don't have anything. I show the work because I've been explaining it

and you guys are failing the class because you don't have anything. I've shown the work because I've been explaining it and you guys are failing the class because you don't understand. Yeah. So you think before Francis read the definition of the false equivalency thing that you would, that you were understood what that was? You were on the hunt. I. Yeah. Were you on the hunt?

You had the scent. You had the scent of it. Because your example, by the way, was this begs the question, where do you get off? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This begs the question. Because of the previous behavior made me have to beg.

Please, Francis, I must know. Where do you get the fucking balls to accuse me of getting it wrong? That is the correct way. Fucking point blank period. Now move on to the next fucking bullshit dumbass topic you're bringing up. What? You fucking, how do you guys do this every week? What was your dumb question going to be?

I don't remember. Huh? I don't remember what the original question was. Because you don't have the brain power to sustain a thought from start to finish. It's that we've been doing this for the last 25 minutes. Oh, guess what? That begs the question. Has it really been that close to a half hour?

Ian, your back really hurts. You threw it out. You're in a lot of pain. And I'm going to also point something else out. You're really overheating in your suit and you're a little frustrated. I think you need to calm down. I am and I haven't eaten today. I have not eaten today.

It's like five o'clock. You can't not eat like that. I know. And I have had truly three things of coffee. You're going to take a small chill pill in the form of a. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. One more light tasering.

One more. Don't actually. Maybe move over to your side of the couch a little bit no okay stay close and we're gonna calm down and now we're gonna talk to jp about his your santa hat has fallen off you've got a cane you've turned into john c calhoun on the floor of the senate we need to dial it back haven't had your beard on this whole time so you've used it i remembered my question okay i can't believe it we're begging you remembered it please allow me okay we were talking about when someone says, please don't tell anyone, but here's my secret. Right.

And then you would reveal to the very immediately you wanted to. Yes. What would it take? What does it take for someone to say, you cannot, I need you to not tell anyone this. What does it take for you to actually not to hold that sacred? Oh, I'll tell you fucking make Ian the one you to actually not to hold that sacred oh i'll tell you fucking make ian the

one you always tell secrets to and then not tell them you're very discreet i will tell you what happened because this happened last night when i found out a big secret my friend grabbed me and said please seriously look at me don't tell anyone and And it was the eye contact that locked it in because I tell Ian everything and I haven't told him the secret. It's not even that big of a secret, but because we eye contact, there's something about eye contact that,

what's it called when it brings to, conjures- Severity. Like you'll go to the devil. So it's the way in which they preface the secret, not the gravitas of the secret itself. No way. My dad killed a man.

What? It's a secret. And he should have asked you not to tell anyone and looked at you when he did it. We were going to the airport and he was like, I killed a guy in Puerto Rico once, or not in Puerto Rico. I was on my way to Puerto Rico.

He hit him with a rock. The guy was trying to rape him. I don't think it's true. Sorry. What? There are a lot of questions being begged right now. We're begging. We're begging. Nobody thinks it's really true, but... That begs the old pregunta

if you ask the Puerto Rican justice system. Yes. Yes. What? Sure it was a rock and not a conch shell. In which a he lorded the guy on the head tell you what nothing

the eye contact is the indicator like hey come on the eye contact of like seriously get away from me no you're not going to get it out of me it's a good one I'd really appreciate it let's ask them about the emoji question. Wow, see, this is the issue, though.

Now, you've alerted the world that there's a secret you possess. I have so many secrets. I'm full of secrets. You're beholden to keep sacred, and now everyone wants to know. Everybody gives me their secrets, and I do have a trick. I tell a non-comic friend.

You got a strong lock on the safe. You tell non-comic friend. You got a strong lock on the safe. You tell non-comic friends. You just let the steam out by alerting civilians. I already told Harry this secret earlier today. You told someone else a fucking secret. You are such a stupid bitch. I'm sorry. That was mean.

It's okay. You're very hungry. But now you've just indicated that it's a comedy related secret. You've given away another data point. How about this? When Ian sends an emoji. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't last night. Last night I was with a till. You legitimately said last night. Just now. Well, it wasn't last night. So you're a liar. So it wasn't last night. Oh, that's the key to keeping a secret safe. Tell a liar. Because then people won't take it seriously if they tell it.

Yeah. And also, when were you with Attell last night? Because you left before me and Zach. No, I didn't. You stayed. I had another spot. Your spot was at 1050. I hung out.

And then we hung out. And you said, I have to go home because I have to go to bed early. Remember? And then you hung out and you said, I have to go home because I have to go to bed early. Remember? And then you left. Oh, well, then it was the night before that. Interesting. So you are a faulty source. Yes.

Faulty, faulty, faulty. So that begs the question, have you ever been reliable? That wasn't the right way to say beg the question, Francis. I still don't know that I get it. So I'm going to humbly defer. So here's what it is. When you say something real stupid, like people have thought for thousands of years the earth is round, therefore the earth must be round.

Or no, it was a different example. But I digress. Whatever the stupid example is, whenever people say something like that, someone says, hey, what the fuck are you talking about? Put that more politely, that begs the question.

Yes, yes. That's it. You beg the question by saying something very stupid. Yes. Yes. To clarify what we were just discussing. Yes.

Which is also, if you rewind what I said! That is... But... Jesus Christ! Everyone in the world is wrong but me! JP, I don't know that like

just because we say we understand it and there's... Okay, people have known for thousands of years that the earth is round. Therefore, the earth is round. That load-bearing therefore

is the logical fallacy in that statement and in the specific way that it's wrong is that it begs a question right but if someone said that to us we wouldn't say a question not based on the roundness of the earth but on the relationship between people's understanding of the shape of the planet told you about it whatever retarded dork who lives in a basement said, do not say that because it is not the right use, is such a Wikipedia autistic booger here. Yeah, they're wrong. Who told you that?

They should never repeat that to anybody. Who told you that? That's the right answer. That is true. Look at what it did for us, though. Yes, that's true. But never do that again. It has.

Because you can beg a question. It'll be the title of the episode. Whoa. That's true. But never do that again. Because you can beg a question. It'll be the title of the episode. Whoa. That's right. Come on. Yeah. You need to eat. What would need to happen from now on till the end for us to top begs the question.

What would you say if somebody, what would you say if somebody, I have to do what daddy says. If, um. I'm so hungry. You go have a snack. I'll talk to these boys alone. Have a cigarette to eat. And a snack. Not to smoke. Don't leave. Stay here. Just eat a cigarette. I used to smoke down here, but now we have rats.

You would eat the rats? Was that what you said? No, we have rats now, and we can't smoke in front of them. Pet rats. That would be rude. He would eat the rats? Was that what you said? No, we have rats now and we can't smoke in front of them. Oh, pet rats. Because it would be rude. Yeah, they don't like it. Not like real rats. Okay, you should have said pet rats, but yes.

We got rats. On purpose. Was I supposed to assume that they were pets? Maybe you could have begged the question. We're in the basement of a Brooklyn apartment. Why are you sitting so close to me? Can you please go to your side of the couch? I somehow found myself moving closer. Oh, shocker.

Fucking will they, won't they? They will not. They will never. And they won't. Ross and Rachel, once again. Why not? It's a great question. You see the body language?

Yeah. Okay. Is it weird to ask this? What would prevent the two of you from being romantically involved? Everything that already is preventable. I think you guys have such great friendship and chemistry. Maybe it's right in front of you. I don't want that to be ruined.

I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to have sex with her. Too late. Oh, you're fucking brain pubic hair. She said it first. This is a suit. This is an outfit. What?

He gave such a poetic, sort of friendly answer. Yeah. She was like, I'm revolted by him. Yeah, yeah. I shan't spoil the treasure of our friendship. That is the truth. And also, I don't want to. He's a caller, a texter.

I need a distancer. You need someone who does not treat you well? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah you need the aloof guy are you are you are you working on that do you want to change that yeah yeah yeah yeah so you just need like who are less like and and he's like you text him and there's immediate call being like i see that you're by your phone now. Hello. I've seen how she navigates relationships and I love what we have

and she already drives me up a wall enough. If we were in a relationship, it would... I don't want to have sex. I see. We would end up on like a Netflix documentary. Murder-suicide.

Last comic standing. And you're on your a Netflix documentary. Yeah. Murder-suicide. Last comic standing. And you're on your phone too much. I'm a huge no. Have you noticed I've been better with that? If I ever date a guy again, he will have no social media presence. So you just need like a big honking dude who like doesn't talk and has no emotional intelligence. You need a guy who's just like draped in Carhartt who will like go to a gross

restaurant with you and just like not talk to you. Why gross? Because you are eating bone marrow over there. You're spewing fucking. Yeah. Somehow you shout out today, but your hair is still full of grease. I think what I need is a taxidermied bear. I think you need a survivalist. Yeah.

Do you know what those are? Like, you know. A guy with one of those spade shovels. No, no, no. Someone who thinks the end of times are imminent and is creating doomsday bunkers. I need good breeding stock. Lives off the grid. Did you read Educated?

About the girl, Tara Westover, whatever her name is? It was a big boy. It was like a big bestseller or something. She grew up in a survivalist family in Utah, I think. Her family believed at the end of times was imminent. The government was all bad. And so they lived off the grid and just were totally self-sufficient, hated the education system, would not send their kids to school. And then like two and three of the kids ended up at like the top university. Oh, really? Because

they were so smart that they found a way themselves. They like goodwill hunting their way. Wow. It's a good book. I'll read that book. All right. So what the fuck does that have to do with this? That's what I need to date.

I just need an autistic person. It's just autism. Someone like that who, you know, off the grid and creates, you know, doomsday bunkers. It might have just had a really compelling college essay. That's my skeptical take on it. It's like, oh, Yale's like, we got to doomsday bunkers. They might have just had a really compelling college essay. That's my skeptical take on it. It's like, oh, Yale's like, we got to get these bunker babies in. They had to take the SATs and stuff.

They had to do standardized tests and all that. And they aced them, I think. Yeah, but did they learn how to read? Like, were they reading while they were in? They taught them themselves. Out of math books. The kids would, like, sneak books into their beds at night and read under...

Into their caves. Under cover of... Yeah, that's like a prisoner that learns law and gets himself out of jail. It can happen. Rick Ross. No, they were smart because they... These kids would have gotten beaten if they had... It just shows you that the public education system is bad.

Oh, so the parents weren't just opposed to the public education system. They were like, concept of education, no good. I think the only book that the kids were allowed to read was the Bible. Well, it's got everything. So they did have a grasp on history. I could be a little bit wrong. I read this book a while ago. So don't quote me in the comments.

But I'm going to read them anyway. Do you read them? Don't read them. I read them and they don't affect me. That's because you're a Christian. Reading them and not realizing that they don't affect me gives me power. I read the comments too.

They used to affect me. You're going to snap and twist the head off a cat. I joined a gym because why are you a Sam Harris meditative awake app or something? What are you? Jordan Peterson guy? A happily married man. Happily? He is. So JP, you recorded

an album. Happily married? I love every assumption you've had. I didn't hurt you with it. Put it down. We said no more Cain. I married a civilian. I keep it now. That doesn't mean you're happy. Are they a funny civilian?

No, it doesn't mean that I'm happy. I'm not happy. Yeah, that begs the question. But I'm happily married. My wife is the happiness of my life. Really? Yeah. Why?

I love how every assumption. I will leave. If you don't put the cane down, I will leave. Don't leave me. Sit. I love how every assumption you have of him has been totally wrong. That brings me so much joy.

It does. Does it? I'm happy. Why does it bring you joy? Because. That's why. You're wrong. Yeah, why does that bring you joy?

Because it makes me feel good. Yeah. Because you said you wouldn't have sex with me. Oh, yeah, there it is. Yeah, there it is. I still wouldn't have sex with you. Oh, yeah. There it is. Yeah, there it is. I still wouldn't have sex with you. And you're like, so if she could be wrong about that, maybe she's wrong about the sex thing, too. She doesn't know how she feels.

I wouldn't have sex with you. I'm in now. Yeah. Doesn't it feel powerful and nice? Just a goof. Yeah. Have you really hurt your back? Yeah.

What happened? What? it feel powerful and nice just a goof yeah have you really hurt your back yeah what what happened what three years ago i was hit by a car on my bicycle look at his bulge with pubes on it sorry keep going yeah yeah uh oh and i separated my sacrum from my pelvis and my L4 L5 slipped and I got it all fixed up. I did not listen and follow through with the physical therapy that I was supposed to. And so it's a reoccurring injury. I hadn't gone to the gym for like three weeks and I joined a gym because someone in the comments said that I'm shaped like an egg roll. So I was working on that. And I go to. You're not shaped like an egg roll. You're shaped like an egg roll with two little sticks sticking out.

Thank you. And so I go to a gym class with like friends three times a week. Really fun. And I walked in. I was late. Missed the warm up. They're dead lifting. And I was like.

It's way too long. Oh my God. I can get in there. I just dead lifted and was like, oh, this is bad. And it's just gotten worse since yesterday. He used to pitch for the 1940s American Yankees. Didn't you?

Well, let me tell you, when something like that would happen, we'd rub a little dirt on it and throw a few more innings. The American Yankees, not to be confused. The American Yankees. Is that what you said? Yeah. The American Yankees, not to be confused with the American Yankees. Is that what you said? The American Yankees.

The United States Yankees. I tell you what ruined baseball is in 1947, one man... Okay. He hurt his back. He's hungry. You're happily married. And why no child? We're working on it.

Really? Gross. Pitching, pitching, pitching. Coming to your lady's vagina, I know now. And you record a special at the bell house. That's my child. How do you end your sexual liaisons? How does it end?

When they come? Yeah do I? Yes. When they come? Yeah. They never come. It's actually, don't you dare. They don't come. Never.

They never. It's been seven years since a man came with me. Jordan says, let me tell you something, sweetheart, nobody spews on bone marrow. You put that thing away.

I make sure that I pile drive bone marrow into my mouth before we have sex. That's all they can think about. And then when they go to cum, they just end up spitting a little on my back to not hurt my feelings. You might argue that bone marrow is the closest true food we have to sperm in terms of taste and texture. Eggs. Egg whites? Fine. Good job. I said you might argue. I didn't say

you do. I gave myself an out. I thought you were going for a pun thing. Bone marrow is like a euphemism for cum because it's like the absence of boning. There it is. And it's inside the bone. I'll give you it is. The bone, the interior of the bone. And it's inside the bone.

I'll give you a little bit of my bone marrow. Yeah, bone you down and give you some marrow. Have you had bone marrow? Have I had it? Have you came on a woman's? Sorry. Does jerk chicken count where you eat the bones? Oh, well, jerk your chicken.

Jerk chicken until the bone marrow comes out. I have not had sex in a while. I forgot I'm wearing the hat. I went on a date the a while. I forgot I'm wearing the hat. I went on a date the other night. Which one? With a gal. What date?

We were here. December 1st? In this podcast. 13th? We were here once. What? Yeah. There was a moment.

This was a moment. Yeah, we were back here a long time ago. Yeah, it's good. I'm glad. I don't like unclosed loops, and so I'm glad that you're back here. Closure. Yeah. You never should have stepped foot in this house. I'm going to be haunted by this.

Not the pirate. Different person. Haunted. We went on a date, me and this gal, and we went to a diner. Do you think you call women gals because it's so close to your mom's name, Gail? No, but now that you

said it, well. What is wrong with you? She was a new kind of gal. Gal 2.0. Updated. One of those USB-Cs. How did you know? USB-C, Universal Big Cock.

I know that. How did what? No, Spanish. Mexican. All those new kind of gals. Nueva Mujer. Did you know prior to the date that she was trans? Yes. Matter of fact, I told her,

I know you're trans and I'm okay with that. He loves trans girls. I'd love to take you on a date. That's his ideal type. No. My ideal type is a woman. Oh. Whether it be trans or a gal.

Well, if you racked up how many of everything you've had. I've been with more women than trans. What are you talking about? Okay. But I've been with a fair share of trans. A lion share.

Are you saying he's lying about how many trans he's been? He's lying he won't share with us how many trans. That begs the question, how many lions, how many trans would it take to satisfy a lion well there are lions but they just transition

to tigers anyway look man the date we went to a diner screeching hall there before we went we got a little sexy talk and she told me she was going to write out a list of what turns her on and give it to me, you know. And so we go eat and we're like flirting and you're really cute. You're so hot. This and that. You're adorable. Oh, my God. Holding hands.

Saying what? Both to each other. Can you speak with your voice and not your hands? Can you accept me for who I am? Sorry, but you're doing a trumpet playing thing. Somebody read it. So she had a penis. A little bit.

Kind of like this. So we go to this diner. Really great. We walk out. We kiss for a second and then we go to Sunshine Laundromat which is a laundromat with pinball on the back. Hang out.

Things bump up a notch. Touch leg. Leg in between my leg. Touchy touch. Make comments about her coming back to my place. This at the other. Takes a picture of us holding hands. Right?

Weird. And then we go. That was weird. Leg between my leg. Red flag. You had leg between my leg. Red flag. You had leg between my leg at one point. How did her leg get up there? Pinball and a laundromat.

Sending nudes before the date, but all of a sudden she takes a picture. No nudes before the date. List of things she likes that was written on pen and paper. She put it in my pocket and then we walk around. I think I fucked up on the date because I go, I have to go to the bathroom. You want to come in and sword fight?

I didn't. I didn't. You didn't say that? Are you lying? I swear to God I didn't say that. But I did. She was on the sidewalk and I walked on to into McCarran Park and took a piss in public. And then after that, we made out and there was touching.

And then she goes, why don't you walk me home? She was like, she kept being like, I'm shy. I'm shy. And I go, hey, whatever. If you want to come back, that'd be great. Because she was like, I'll watch you play Spider-Man. And I go and I go, why'd you do it? Because.

And I go, OK, I'll you do it because and and I go uh okay I'll walk you back walk her back kiss her had so much fun make sure you look at my note text me when you read it

I'm like okay so I text her and everything is like me like everything she listed it was like it was like glasses daddy mustache yay

hot butt sorry D muscles black socks hello black socks so then, black socks. So then...

Black socks was on the list? That's just a thing you can buy. You hold up your Santa boots. Hello. Boy, this is providential. I'm wearing the socks she likes. Then she barely responded and at 5am she posted an Instagram video of her in bed with another guy.

And then the next day, she posted an Instagram video of her on a date with another guy. And the next picture was me and her holding hands. And I'm like, what is happening? Are you telling the truth? I swear to God. And I was left no option but to pay for her OnlyFans and whack it to her just getting reamed out by fucking the Baltimore Ravens. Is this a real story? Wait, was the picture that she posted with the guy, the next picture was what?

Same guy? There was, she was, it was in her bedroom at 5 a.mm a video and you could hear a guy's voice in the background the next morning picture of her leg next to a guy and him playing guitar in her bed and then one of you guys holding hands so she just wanted to take a picture of her holding hands with that guy we were holding but she got you to hold hands with her but she's pretending it's that guy holding hands with her like anybody who saw it would say guitar guy is hand guy. And she told me she moved here because she had to escape a

toxic boyfriend. And I go, who do you live with? She goes, a friend. And right there I go, huh. And I should have fucking said something and trusted my gut. And I said, well, that begs a question. Call back. And then it's like,

what the fuck? Fuck you. But now I want her really bad. I think she went on the date so she could get the picture of the hands and make the other guy jealous or something. I'm being used. Seems like there's an easier way to get a picture. I'm being used. She could hold her other man hand.

It's a lot of hours. She could just take her nail polish off her left hand. I love this when people come on and they're like, I want to be on TV. I want to do TV. Wait, wait, wait. Does she have a long career? Does she have a penis?

Yes, Francis. But how do you know? Is this you in Capture the penis? Yes, Francis. But how do you know? Is this you in Capture the Flag? Francis, come in here. I asked if she had a penis. There's nothing wrong with that. This is a witch hunt. What do you mean? What is

this? Because I innumerably swear I'm being framed. You said you said she's had some work done. I didn't say that. You said that and that was your way of denoting or hinting

that it was a trans person. No, 2.0. I said trans. I said woman 2.0. Okay, fine. Which means woman plus a penis. The operation level was not good. Yes, I didn't say work done. Couldn't it mean this is a transsexual, post-operative

transsexual who has transitioned from a man to a woman and removed their penis? It certainly could. It's rare that they remove their penis and go on dates with Ian. Because it puts them into another caliber. Another PlayStation station.

Yeah, no, because I want original. I don't want the upgrade. That's not what I was saying. This is where I get... You don't want a refurb? You want a new phone? I don't want a refurb. You don't want a vagina made from a doctor?

I want a vagina made from God. But you don't want a vagina made by a professional vagina maker? No, I want a penis made from God. Have you ever had a penis? Have you ever had a vagina made from God. But you don't want a vagina made by a professional vagina maker? I want a penis made from God. Have you ever had a penis? Have you ever had a vagina made from a professional? It all comes back to Jesus. The women who get vaginas put on are usually people... Regret it later.

What? Is that right? They usually have... What on earth? They usually are not trolling the internet for dick. Because they like... She wasn't trolling the internet for dick. She was on Tinder.

What? Cause what? They have money. Yeah. Because that's an expensive procedure. I think so. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. It's a big procedure. It's a big deal. Also, it's like a hundred grand. I think I wasn't shaming you. That was, that was a fine question because I am happy to be shamed.

This is an area where I am very unfamiliar and I don't know what I'm talking about. I just say really things to I think you could get bottom surgery or like a fully loaded Audi A8L with like all the features. I think that's like the price. Really? Yeah. I think they'd probably prefer a ninny.

My man. Yes. My man. Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, that was better than anything. Yes. Yes. That was better than anything you ever said. Oh, you caught the same. I guess two with a whistle. You caught the... Oh, my God. He needs rest.

He needs a nap. He's not well. We need to get you food. Oh, Lordy. I dare you to eat the rat food. Oh, no. He has an addict's personality. He's going to keep eating it. That's personality. He's going to keep eating it.

He's going to keep going and going. She comes over and eats almost all my peanut butter. Shout out TJ Miller, TJ PJ. TJ's PJs, TJ's PB. His peanut butter is so good. T, PB, and J. Dude, it's like...

It's a T, PB, and J? It's like a... It's hard to do. He's hard. He's like this. Oh, he's like... It's a TPB&J? It's like a... No, it's not a good TJ. It's hard to do. He's hard. He's like this. A TJ Miller. Oh, he's got flavor.

It's really hard to do it. Do it again. Yeah, it's like a little bit gay. Yeah. I'm not getting closer. Oh, ask me to do it. I figured my impression. Do it.

TJ, what's your new line of products called that you're selling? Your new merch? It's the one where I imitate Steve-O, dude. Oh, no, I thought you were being TV. I think you're just imitating Steve-O in regular life. I know, I can't. I can't do... Yeah, dude, I can't do TJ, but I can do Steve-O.

In the corner of his mouth, go down like this. Why does it sound like that? Is it because he doesn't know how to talk from down there? So this girl's playing me. What are you, serious? Yes. Also, why would you want to go

on a date with a woman who posts a picture of two people holding hands on their Instagram? This is crazy. Because now it's a thing of like, now, I'm going to get you. You think you're going to run one on me? I'll run one on you. How did you specify?

I once dated a girl because she thought I was gay. So I had sex with her and said, who's gay now? And then we dated. It was a mistake. I might be exposing myself as a prude here. But is this a thing that people are doing? Hey, you could have stopped exposing yourself. I'm into it.

Let's go. Princess. Are people bringing the list of things that they're attracted to sexually on dates? You could have stopped it exposing yourself. I'm into it. Let's go. Princess. The, uh, are people, are people bringing the list of things that they're attracted to sexually on date? Like the sex resume. Is that like a thing people do? I don't know.

First day. She fucking gives me the list. All this shit. Let's be feel up on her ass. And then tells me she's shy. And then go, you need to be in the program. The way that you are hostile at somebody not putting out is crazy.

I'm not hostile at her not putting out. That's not what I'm saying. You go on dates with smuts and then you say, I can't believe they didn't suck my dick until close to the picture of another guy. I did not say that. You're putting your fucking stink on it. I didn't say that. I'm not putting stink on it. Yo, I have been misrepresented so many times in this episode.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Okay. Is that not the truth? You're not mad that she didn't put out, but you're mad. I'm mad. You're mad because she is using another, she's with another dude and using you to get to him. But that's what happens when you go out with these girls. Yes, we know.

And I'm not upset about the sex. I told her I'm fine walking around. Well, you said she rubbed your little puss on you. It felt nice. Yeah. That's fine flirting. Right. I walk her I'm fine walking around. Well, you said she rubbed your little puss on you. It felt nice. That's fine flirting. I walk her home. Kiss goodbye. But to then kind of drop off with me and get

what you want, which is a picture of our hands together and then post that and post a picture of another guy. But doesn't that immediately tell you that she's a crazy person and you dodged a bullet? Yes, but also, I just want to go back. I'm not upset that she's a crazy person and you dodged a bullet? Yes, but also, I just want to go back. I'm not upset that she didn't have sex with me. I'm upset that I feel

like I'm being a pawn in her little game with this other guy. That's fucked up. And hey, be honest. Tell me. Hey, look, I'm kind of seeing this guy. You dropped your voice. Hey, listen. Listen to you now. We gotta have a talk. Hey, listen, man. I got a dog.

Be honest. I don't care. I'd rather the honesty than fucking what's happening. And then she keeps DMing, you're the cutest. And I'm like, what? She had, maybe the guy in her bed was a friend. And she wanted to show that she played guitar. And she's one of these demented people that think social media is a way to just show the things that you've done throughout the day so she played with a

guitar man she had a roommate in a room think about how many times i've posted mike roland holy shit would people think we're married he was on my voicemail and then she posted a picture of you guys holding hands because she's just trying to show whoever their audience is that she's dating she's playing guitar and she has her roommate but But you get all hostile. Why be so overtly sexual with me if you're going to be like, I'm shy and then drop me? Because she's shy.

Do you? Join your OnlyFans. She's getting plowed out all the time. She's not shy. She's just shy with me. So what would you like her to do? It makes me feel not wanted. Like I'm bad. Okay. So what if you wouldn't? Then you say you won't have sex with me. So what would you like her to do? It makes me feel not wanted like I'm bad. Okay, so what if you wouldn't? Then you say you won't have sex with me? I won't have sex with you. It's not

about you. It's about not being wanted. Well, you have to get over that feeling. Well, I don't want you either. Okay, that's okay with me. Wait a second. What do you want? I don't know, man. Because you're talking about wanting normalcy. Uh-huh, I do. And you're talking about wanting normalcy.

I do. And you're shopping in the loony bin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I don't really understand. And I see this on podcasts all the time when people talk about dating.

That's crazy. Where did you find yours? We were introduced by two of our friends who were very good friends with her. On a yacht. There you go. in a nice place country club they're married they have children it's formulaic but it's it's works you can't you have to i agree with this you have to not have stuff all over your house and you have to not go on tinder you didn't say that. You're right. I wasn't necessarily inferring that you're living in the loony bin. Oh, sorry. It's not far.

I think it might be more dangerous for you to date anyone that any of your friends would introduce you to. Yeah. You're probably playing a game. You fucking bring someone around. Come over. You try to have sex with all my friends. Stay away from the people that you know. I have never tried to have sex with all your friends. I know Taylor and Brianna. Hey, you're a real cute gal. I have never tried to have sex with all your friends. You hit on Taylor and Brianna.

Hey, you're a real cute gal. That's not trying to have sex. That's me flirting. You literally say, are you single? That's not trying to have sex, you idiot. Dude, if you...

Jury in the court. What was the point? If I said to your buddy, yeah, you're single, would you think Jordan wanted to have sex with that man? Or would you think I was just flirting?

I would think that would be part of a line of questioning that would lead to sex thank you so much yeah yeah he bent you bend you bend dude you move the goal you just told the story yes that was fucking insane on her part no dude on every part of it the fact that you found i know but hold on that you that you like went on a date with a woman with a penis which okay it's like that show buried nobody is good yeah you you and then and then and then all these things like hooking up going to all these places and then walk me home no everything up to that point fine whatever yeah there's a church right next to Sunshine Laundry. You could have

gone and said prayers. She's got another guy in her bed. Guitar posts the photo of you holding hands and then you go out. Did you and you knew she had an OnlyFans? Yes. And she's hooking up with other dudes. I knew she had an OnlyFans before we went on the date.

Exactly. That's what we're saying. If I told this story it would be the most crazy story of my life. Because you're a fucking straight-laced Francis. Well, if you want a straight-laced girl that doesn't blow. Your hair is perfect. You don't even comb it. The fact that you asked, you're wondering aloud, why isn't she the way I want her to be is evidence of your own. You're like,

you're you. That's of course she's not. Well, I wouldn't be able to predict that person's next move. I'm going out and finding perverts on the internet and they're not marriage material. Why did she, why did she post a photo of us holding hands?

Why does she have a fucking only fans and fucking other dudes and then going on dates with you when taking multiple pictures like there's so many bigger questions it's like me bringing in like an old rusty honda civic and being like why isn't it getting me a christmas present which is what i do i literally i'm like here's my boyfriend and it's like a statue missing eyes and i'm like he loves me and i'm like why won't he touch me that is we both do the same thing and you're doing it now you're asking for advice on on like a it's like a chameleon or like a shapeshifter like I don't the whole thing is this moving like we. Who's that artist that does the

world that are like you can walk up the staircase and then you're going. MC Escher. You're in an MC Escher. Your life, your dating life is an MC Escher painting and you're like, why didn't I reach the top? Hey, I'm in a bathtub full of piranhas right

now and I have a lot of problems that are piranha related. What kind of popcorn should I microwave for myself tonight have a lot of problems that are piranha related what kind of popcorn should I microwave for myself tonight these are the questions that you're asking like you don't hear maybe avoid the piranhas it's so funny to hear you describe such turmoil and then end with like why didn't she call me like me for me because her T-Mobile card ran out. That's why she's not texting you. Your car is careening off of a cliff and you're changing the radio station. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you're doing.

I'm going to die with a good song. All right. You also knew she had an OnlyFans before. You were jerking off to a woman who's getting come on by a football team. No, I didn't do that until after the date. Right, that was his coping mechanism. That was his coping mechanism. That was my coping mechanism. So sorrowful. Did you think that OnlyFansGirl

was going to be committed? Such a sorrowful conclusion to that evening. That whole tale that you're jerking off to her work. She couldn't even commit to being a guy. What do you think? She's just so tragic. It's your relationship. Let's go. Let's go.

We've got to pick up more. We slowly corrupt it. tragic it's your relationship let's go let's go we slowly corrupt it oh my god I'm so happy that you're here it's so nice to hear that it's great it's just I really yeah I need to stop

dating to watch you try to patch it all up for him also was like, how are they each other's normal? You know what I mean? He's like, I'm in a crisis with a trans woman who may be involved with several other relationships and Jordan's like, maybe buy her

a dog. We're going to figure this thing out. Yeah, you know, look, the problem is she's an Aries and, you know, I love auditing this podcast. Oh, this is great. Yeah, yeah. Oh my god.

Yeah, you can't be fishing in the water if you want a goat, you know what I mean? And he does want a goat. Believe you me. I want one bad. Jordan, does it bother you? Does it bother you that the name

of the podcast is Beanie and Ian? Yeah, all the time. Because, proof positive, everyone will eventually start Beanie and Ian. Does it bother you that the name of the podcast is being Ian with Jordan? The whole time. Yeah, I had a feeling. Because, proof positive, everyone will eventually start being Ian in the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even Jordan is being Ian. That is true. Yeah.

Yeah. No, but yes, it bothers me. From the jump, I said, it is okay to change the name. But this is another moving of the goalpost. Like, he'd be like, we can change it, but it'll be really complicated with everything that we've already done. But that doesn't mean I was not willing and open to the idea.

And you said... Ian's all about transitioning. Was that the closest you've ever come to wanting to fuck him, given that he was withholding something from you? No, because he usually holds... He can withhold things like a little greedy toddler.

Withholding is more like, I'm not gonna tell you what happened between me and my father. And he's like, day one with daddy. What the fuck is happening? I told you we'd change your name a while ago. I told you we'd change the theme song. We'd change your fucking

intro. We haven't changed the theme song, have we? We said we would, you dumb idiot, but you will never fucking do anything to make it happen. Blow the shofar. It'll settle. I'm going to pee my grinch pants.

I'm going to pee my grinch pants. Go to the river. Quick, get to the river. Quick, get to the river. The Jordan River. Ian's fisting Jordan right now. It's not funny to do a fisting with Jordan. You put your little booty up and it's a little cartoon foot. I'm wearing black socks

Oh my god Oh my god I might pee my pants That is so funny You slowly bring it down Anyway you're a bitch And whore Yeah we need to change

The theme song It's something we have to work on But until we both Get our act together Enough to do it. I, you. What? I.

You sent me lyrics and you were like, now you write lyrics. And the lyrics you wrote were like, I like get. Because we said we found a band to redo the song. They said, you guys are at the lyrics. I said, OK, I wrote these. Why don't you write some? We can combine the two. Whatever you want to do.

Ignore nothing. Ignore. Nothing. Never again. Hold it inside. I just can't write lyrics. Anger later. You can't right now? This was fucking April.

No, I said I can't write lyrics. He needs to eat. How come you don't, do you not play any musical instruments? I used to play guitar and I was in a ska band. Yeah, I'm surprised you don't play more music

because you love music. Ever since we broke up, I never picked up my axe again. What? Axe? Body sprays. He's a disgusting boy. I want to sing in a hardcore band so bad. That'd be cool.

We could call ourselves Overdrive. Bone marrow. Nice. That is pretty good. If you were to hardcore punk rock band, what would it be called, Francis? The Borings. Indifferent Breed.

Whoa, instead of Hatebreed. It's like a more moderate. Connecticut Hardcore. That's right. You're from Connecticut. Hell yeah, dog. Awesome. Hatebreed is playing with Pain of Truth at AMH,

Amityville Music Hall, Long Island, January. You should go. It was meant to be. You should go. You need to eat. You're shaking.

You've lost complete control. I don't know where I am. He's normally on the ball. I want to talk about JP's fucking special. Hey. How was it? Didn't you feel like that stage is pretty high, huh?

It was great. That stage is pretty high. You liked it? I'm pretty high up, but I had ball. Oh, yeah. You're even higher. I'm even higher. I'm way up there.

They had to get the lighting right by having a production person on an Apple box. Really? How tall are you? 6'7". How tall are you? 6'3". How tall are you? 6'9".

5'8". Thank you are you? 6'3". How tall are you? 5'9". 5'8". Thank you for your honesty. All right. 5'6 1⁄2". But the special was really fun. It was super, super sick. How about this? We got it on the first try.

It was very good. I was very happy with how the first one went. Second show. Crowd is super hot. They're awesome. Really fun. I'm rolling. About 10 minutes into the set,

lights go down. Unplanned total malfunction. On stage or in the whole place? The ones that were on me. Most of the lights just went down. It went just dramatically. Someone was intentionally... Did anyone think The Undertaker was going to show up?

And then he was behind me. But then I riffed on it a few times and then it just kept happening throughout the entire set oh no so it was a little bit annoying it's a whole thing with incandescent bulbs they have a temperature thing where like they turn off when they get to a certain temperature and they didn't foresee that because they're pretty and glowy that's right i demanded no i had no. But it turned out great. We got it anyway. We figured it out and it was good. Oh, because by the second hour they were overheating.

Yes, exactly. Are you going to use the first light shutdown in it? Yes, I think so. That's fun. What's it called? We don't have a title yet. I'm thinking Flight of the Midnight Raven. Ooh, that is really cool. I just need a way to make it

wonderful. Why do you need to make it longer? No, I was kidding about that, but now I might actually do it since you guys like it. I do like that. Flight of the Midnight Raven. It came into my head. Yes. Just now? Wow. That was really good.

Wow. That was really cool. You guys know Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven? No, I don't know Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven. Yeah, asshole. I'm really sorry for him. Do you actually know it? Yes, of course I know. Hark the Raven Nevermore. Sit up.

How could I not know that? Are you sure? Listen, I would have sex with you. I'll have sex with you, but you need to be in a better mood. I'll have sex with you but you need to be in a better mood i'll have sex with you we did it okay wow i would love that that would be i could only be so lucky oh yeah okay right yes fuck the jordan i don't want it to happen anymore look at your face that's that's a warning that's the spider sense and says there's a rape about to go down.

Oh my God, Francis! Did you say that? Once upon a midnight dreary, while I wandered weak and weary? She wanted to watch you play Spider-Man. Spider-Sense. It's all coming together. We're closing the loops. I don't want to watch him.

You did watch me play Spider-Man the other night. I was very sick and I fell asleep on top of your body. No, the girl from your date. The girl wanted to come back and watch you play Spider-Man the other night. I was very sick and I fell asleep on top of your body. The girl from your date. The girl wanted to come back and watch you play Spider-Man. You're right. Jordan fell asleep sick on me. I'm playing Spider-Man. No. And I was sick and I had to lay down and you were laying

down. Where am I going to lay? But then I got sick. But we made it work. You know what? We can't get any closer to these two having a kid the circumstances that lead to that must be prevented at all costs have you ever seen Looper

you'll have a child called Riffer come back for you Shia LaBeouf and Bruce Willis will both come kill you. That should happen. That's when you go death by suicide. Death by Shia LaBeouf. Wasn't his name like the boom maker or something? The rain maker.

Yeah, that sounds right. Shia LaBeouf's not in that movie though. No, it's Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And Bruce Willis. But he was having his moments. Before his brain was addled. Isn't it weird that Hillary Duff and Shia LaBeouf? Hillary Duff is so hot.

Isn't it weird that their last names are Buff and Duff? They're on the same network at the same time. Oh, my God, you're right. They're big stars. Hark the Raven-Symoné, nevermore. That's so Ian. That's so Ian. You're getting nasty.

Let's end the show show What do you got? This was really fun Does it usually go this well? This was really good I thought We have a lot of fun I mean I know it's a great pod I can't ever tell how things go

Because I never know if people leave And they're like That Those people But I genuinely laughed Without Oh good good good So I think to me That's why I feel that way.

I was so entertained by you guys. And you were great. Always. JP has helped me. I don't get them often, but in the rare events where I get a private gig, I always hit him up.

I've done it once. I have another one tomorrow and i was like thank god i'm seeing you i need help and you need help writing jokes for these private gigs oh because it's a roasty pretty yeah it's pretty roasty dude king of the fucking roast such a good writer could you imagine doing that today well can i imagine i still do them today really i saw there's a comedy fight club those old video not fight club at new york comedy club Could you imagine doing that today? I just watched some old videos. Well, can I imagine? I still do them today. Really? I saw. The Comedy Fight Club? Those old videos.

Not Fight Club. New York Comedy Club. They have roasts now. But those old videos at like the old stand with like the five foot high ceiling and just like a hundred dudes in wolf t-shirts in there just screaming.

Those were awesome. Those were so fucking fun. Dude, they were the fucking best. Just Ron. Oh, yeah. Just making fun of you. Oh, yeah. Fucking Attell of you. Oh, yeah. A tell.

Dude, I roasted Erica Sparrow and the whole running joke was that she was a horse. And in the third round, I pulled out a carrot and I handed it to her. Oh, my God.

I saw that. Remember when I was reading you the roast jokes in the car on the way to Philly? That was so those were so fun. Man, what a so fun, man.

What a, what a different time. Truly. I think there are still kids doing it. There's still a lot. There's a lot of funny kids. You hear a lot of, you hear a lot of, uh,

you look like, uh, yeah, yeah. Now when I hear it, I'm like, oh, there's,

there's very, they're very hack ways to do it. And then they're very inventive and cool. Yeah. I think, I think even if you just Used a different lead in You can still say

The same joke Like pulling out a carrot Yeah yeah But just say like You remind me Or like People must think you're Or whatever

Or even just be like Okay ET Yeah or be like Looking at you Begs a question I knew you were Gonna fucking say it Yeah what's your plug Francis

Go check me out on tour this year. Francis Ellis dot com. McDade baby on Instagram. Look out for the special on somewhere sometime next year. Jordan Jensen comedy dot com. Punch up live dot com slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates.

Philadelphia, Sacramento, San Francisco. Oh, I got a ton of shit coming up. Ian finance.com. I actually go to Philly, Philly bunch line, January 4th to six. I got to sell it out. The bonus is going to buy tickets. I love you. Goodbye. We'll see you next time. you you you you you you