Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 075: Ian Rules! W/ Louis Katz

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is. When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Welcome to the podcast. I, me and Ian got into a big fight. Because Ian is sick. So far. And we, um. I'm not sick, I'm congested.

This is the before thing. And he keeps saying he's congested, but then if you look on his counter, it's like every vitamin C thing, every NyQuil thing, every DayQuil thing. It's called precaution. Two days ago he texted me and said, I'm really sick. Last week on the podcast, you legitimately coughed in my face, said you were sick, said you had COVID,

and I had my taping coming up, and I kept having to say, you didn't get me sick. It's okay. I think I got sick from another thing. I don't even think I'm that sick. You're a buster of this whole thing because you know exactly what I'm going to say now. Before coming on the podcast last week, I asked to not be on the podcast last week and said I wanted to cancel because I felt so sick and Ian made me come. So I don't know why he's giving that argument at all.

It's insane. Just the fact that you coughed in my face and said you had COVID. Because you made me do this podcast. I didn't make you. I didn't cough in your face. Play the tape back. Did I? Yeah.

And you said you had COVID. Well, I didn't have COVID. face. Play the tape back. Did I? Yeah. And you said you had COVID. Well, I didn't have COVID. It was on a Patreon. And also, it doesn't matter. Here's the thing. When you go... I don't want to start a fight on the podcast. No, no, but what I'm saying is...

You're pissing me off already. We see each other every night. So it's like, you're either going to see me here or at the cellar. Yeah, and at the cellar. And at the cellar. And at the cellar, you were sick and going up to people and breathing in their faces. And then Louis Katz shows up and he's like, I demand that you take a covid test. And Louis Katz is a nebbish, always like, I got to wash my hands. We did the.

Take the test. You're just wrong today. Today, you're wrong. Make sure you get it up in there. I don't like being wrong. Yeah, next week, you might be right. Today, you're wrong. That's a Billy Joel here, isn't it?

I may be wrong. You may be wrong. I might be right That's a Billy Joel lyric I may be wrong You may be wrong I might be right Next week I just might be the lunatic You're looking for Turn out the light Don't try and change me Yeah

While we do this Update everyone on what just happened with the DR. Oh, yeah. Also, we just had a huge fight. We had a huge fight. And now I'm going with your family to the Dominican Republic. We had a huge fight And I'm going to the Dominican Republic for a week

With my family Because Some shit went down And uh Oh Ethan easy Oh come on But he's telling me to Deeper

Oh Ew you sound like my dad Nathan's not doing it. But he's telling me to. Deeper. Oh, yeah. Oh, you sound like my dad before he died. It's really bad. I farted. You're so disgusting. Why do you see me shirtless in the D.R.? Oh, I'm going to wear a bikini bender.

me shirtless in the DR. Oh, I'm going to wear the bikini bender. What is a bikini bender? Switch it around five times. Look at you being the one, two, three, four, five.

Does it say five? Leave for one minute. Anyway, and then I realized it's Ian's birthday, and I was like, just come with us. And then my family was like, yeah, have him come. It's going to be me, Michelle, Donna, my three moms, my sister, and my niece. It's going to be all women.

I can't wait. That was my childhood. I was raised by be all women. I can't wait. That was my childhood. I was raised by women. I was raised in the dark. I was born in the darkness. Oh, no. Where's the test? Sagalow went up last night and did so good. Oh, that's great. His special

taping is on Sunday. If you missed it, look out for me, because I'll get you. Richie, I see you. I don't. Dude, I've never been to the Dominican Republic. They got some

fat ass women. Man, somebody got me on Twitter so good. About what? I was like, it's funny when fat people are conspiracy theorists. Your fat ass is on a flat earth or something and somebody wrote your meanwhile your flat ass is on this round earth and i was like fuck oh that's great yeah good for them you know what i revoke your invitation no i banned them all right my mom immediately texted back.

I am aligned. I am 100% aligned. I am aligned. That was great. Everyone's on board. Crazy. Wow. I'm going to spend my birthday with your family in the Dominican Republic.

That's so cool. I've always wanted to go. I need to learn Spanish. Muy caliente. Babble. Romacotzka. Bore sabe más que tú. Más.

Sí. Sí. I just said a donkey knows more than you. No. Yo digo. Caete la boca, por favor. Me escuchar. You said shut your mouth, please.

Me escuchar. Tu madre es un hijo de puta. No, no me tu madre. No, no. No. No. Tu madre es un hijo de puta. No, no me tu madre. No, no, no. No, no. No hacer tu madre. Mi madre. Tu es mi amigo.

¿Cómo estás? Yo necesito hamburguesa. Si, yo como, yo comer. I'm not good with conjugation, so I'm not going to do it. Yo comer manzana. I eat the beach. Manzana is apple. Apple.

Yo comer manzana a la dia. This is triggering me and making me think of high school. Y. Que po. Que po. Doctor a whale. Doctor a whale? Oh, shit.

A whale. 10 minutes. An apple keeps a doctor a whale. Doctor away. Doctor away? Oh, shit. Away. 10 minutes. Apple keeps it doctor away. Get ready for the most ignorant trip ever to the Dominican Republic of me. Just be like, Poso puestos. Como esta? Just be so, like, imitating everything.

You're sick. Venga torino. It's not good. Mentally. Okay, I think we're a minute out. Poor Louis Katz is sitting outside the apartment dressed. He changed his clothing, by the way.

Stop. You're not supposed to play with it. Actually play with it. So it'll say. Yo, how great was Angel Dust the other day? Not very. What? Yo, how great was Angel Dust the other day? Not very... What?

Well, it was really sad because the band was so good, but Justice's voice was completely blown out because it was the last tour. It was the last show. Last date on tour. And then I looked at the little man here thing and I was like, holy shit, dude. It's crazy what they do. At one point, he was just going like this,

sing! And going to the audience. And I was like, yeah, dude,. It's crazy what they do. At one point he was just going like this, sing! And going to the audience. And I was like, yeah, dude, that is rough. Dude, every single night for three and a half months, they've been performing. Is that not fucking insanity? I don't know how they do it. Do y'all want y'all's gifts?

Oh, you got us gifts? Three and a half months? Are you serious? Let's just make this a Patreon episode because we can't have Louis come in halfway through.

You know? He's just going to sit out there for 40 minutes? No, no. We're going to bring him down. Give me a gift. Okay. I mean, this is insane.

I already feel sick. It's psychosomatic. Man. Thank you. Give me a gift. A Schwab. What's this? It's a toy store. I gift. A Schwab. What's this?

It's a toy store. I just took a Schwab. Poor Louis cats. Thank you. I have a date tonight. I don't know if I want to go. My trip to Memphis. Oh, my God.

That's a harmonica? That's mine? Well, it's for the studio. No. I really want to learn how to play harmonica. This is a magnet? This is another magnet? Those are for the studio. Why does it say Memphis backs the blue?

There's an Elvis sticker. Yeah, that one's Ian's. This one's mine. I love Elvis. Mine says Sun Record Company. Folsom Prison Johnny Cash. I love this. Is it a sticker?

Oh, cool. It's a sticker. I love this. I love Elvis. What was I going to say? Thank you, Ethan. Yes, of course. Thanks, Ethan.

This is so nice. Beale Street. Oh, that'll be the Team Harmonica. I won't play it right now because of my illness, but boy, is it something to look forward to. It has an engraving. Memphis Blues. Memphis Blues

I thought you engraved it to us I tried but they didn't Another instrument That's nice We should start a band What if This goes out to everyone out there If you can

Edit together You're good at that If you can edit together That's incredible good at that. If you can edit together. That was how my grandfather was with me. And look at that boy. He really knows how to do it. If you can edit together every time we play music into a song, that would be amazing.

So do that. If you're out there. I want to know how to go. So do that If you're out there Wouldn't it be cool if you could play it through your nose? I've been playing guitar. Really? Yeah, remember I was on the phone with you today playing? Oh. Yep, I've been playing Gone for Good by The Shins.

Untie me, I said no vows. It's a really good song. It's a good breakup song. It's kind of looking good for me. Is it really? Yeah. All right, let's go get Louie. Well,

we've got six more minutes of waiting for this. Six? Well, actually about maybe four, I'd say. How long does it say to wait? Because I forgot to start my thing. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes? Ten minutes to downtown. You sound like shit. Is 10 minutes. 10 minutes? 10 minutes to downtown. You sound like shit. Is 10 minutes. I'm not wearing a mask in my own house. 10 minutes to downtown. Great. Get up, kids.

I have a date tonight. I think I might want to cancel. You're going to an SLA meeting and then a date? Do you see the issue with this? Well, because it's... What? Yeah.

I hear you. My question is, should one of my... We've both been going to SLA, me more than Ian, but it doesn't matter. But should my bottom line be no dating? It has to be, right? Well, also, you know... Because I'm not like you.

You know that the A, the last A in SLA, do you know what that stands for? Asshole. Anonymous. That's that. So we probably shouldn't talk program on the show. Oh. and S.L.A.A. Do you know what that stands for? Assholes. Anonymous. That's that. So we probably shouldn't talk program on the show. Oh, but in a way, it is good to destigmatize. Yeah. Maria Bamford wrote a book about it.

Sex and love addiction, because I feel like a lot of times, you know, it really sucks. Oh, my God. Look at him holding his cheese. Look at that. Yeah, he's holding the cheese. Ian, just look. I his cheese. Look at that. He's holding the cheese. Ian, just look. I see it. Yep. Cheese.

I feel like a lot of times when celebrities get in trouble for stuff, like legitimate sex crimes, they're like, I'm going to a program called Sex and Addicts Anonymous. Yeah, we're already in the program, so if we get in trouble for sex stuff, just know that we already tried to stop it. And it's fucked up because then it gives our program a bad look.

And people think that sex and love addiction is a fake thing. But it's very real. The reality is I'm going to SLA so that I don't get back into the bad relationship, as you all know that that's what I should do. And Ian's going to SLA because he wants to do sexual bad things. And he shouldn't. Yes, you do. You always want to do bad things things. And he shouldn't. Yes, you do. You always want to do bad things.

No, I don't. Yes. Quit pigeonholing me. What do you mean? I want to live in an esteemable way. Both of us want to do bad things. Me too. Good way of putting it.

Thank you. I want to live in an esteemable way. Yes. Which includes maybe not having toys for children. Just kidding. Dude, I have so many damn toys at my house. Your kitchen table is lined

with little things. You love them. Oh, we're almost there. Now, how do you know if it's closed? This would be my ideal podcast, would be us shooting the shit for 10 minutes and then bringing the guests. I just want you to know that's what I prefer.

Then let's do it. Take a COVID test at the beginning of every podcast. You sound bad. I'm congested, man. Like that's all that it is. Man, how funny was that guy in Angel Dust the other day? The black guy. Which one?

Oh, he had no spatial awareness. Zach's the best. So he kept just like talking in front of people's bodies. Zach's the fucking best, man. How was being on the road with them? So much fun. Really? It was the fucking best.

What did you guys do during the day? They're such sweethearts. We really had fun. Just like walking around, doing fun things, going to little coffee shops, hanging out, Seeing them play. Stage diving. Then going to people's houses and hanging out.

The ability to breathe underwater or the ability to jump 20 feet in the air? Underwater. If you are granted the power of flight, but you can only fly to work. You are granted the power of invisibility, but you can only use it once a month. Invisibility once a month? What are you crazy? See dude? One strip. Negative. Told you I don't have fucking COVID.

Is one strip negative? Assholes. Yes. Go get Louie. Can you go tell him he's a fucking pussy? I mean this is insane the persecution that's happening on this day towards me. Yeah, it's not, though.

It is, I mean, if we weren't sick every other week, and if we didn't just get over sickness, but it is frustrating that we just have to pass it back and forth. Well, you know why there's sickness? Because of the fucking Fauci ouchie killing our immune system. Well, that's not true.

Are you sure that line means negative? Let me see it. It's one line. One line is negative, dude. Positive is two. Okay. Okay. Negative is one.

I mean, I don't give a fuck about COVID or not. Sick is sick to me I don't care which one it is I just don't want to get sick Now which do you see here? One I see one blue line Thank you

A thin blue line Come on in Did you go home and change your outfit? No Oh you added a coat I put on a heavier coat because it's cold out and I knew I was going to be waiting outside for 15 to 20 minutes. We were really besmirching your name

before you got here. Why? I was not. I'm on your side. As a whiny guy about sickness. I wasn't feeling that way. I said you're right. I would like to say, to establish clearly that the only reason I did this is because I'm having dinner tonight with someone who lives with someone who's immunocompromised. So I had to draw the line.

People die. It's a part of life. All right? Just because you're expediting your life rapidly every day doesn't mean everybody listens. Oh, what's it say, Mr. Whiny? Negative. All right? It's the same speech you give before you argue not to wear a condom.

Mr. Whiny. People die. before you argue not to wear a condom. Mr. Whiny. People die. You're going to get sick from waiting out in the cold outside the apartment because you're afraid of my non-existent COVID. No, you're right. He doesn't care.

When he's sick, he gets everybody sick. Don't you dare say I don't care. I do care about others. Why don't you admit the truth instead of just defending yourself? Admit the reality. Admit the truth. Yeah, try.

We're not having gang up in day. When you're sick, you do not shelter it from other people. True or false? That's not true. True or false? I rarely get sick. When you are though,

do you shelter yourself? I missed my fucking JFL callback because I was sick and I could not fucking talk without coughing. Okay? But if you could have talked, you would have gone there and fucking talk without coughing. Okay. But if you could have talked, you would have gone there and given everyone your disease. Yes.

Is the point. Yeah, because I'm a man and men fucking show up and go to work. I don't fucking take off for nothing unless Jordan asked me to go to the Dominican Republic and then I fucking go. Does it hurt to yell because your throat hurts so much? While you were not here What happened? I bought a plane ticket to go to the Dominican Republic

With our family for New Year's Eve For New Year Just the family and you? Yeah And I have to sleep in their room What? How many people sleep in their room? My sister said there's an extra bed in my room

Oh, great Don't touch her How close are you to the family? My sister said there's an extra bed in my room. Oh, great. Don't touch her. How close are you to the family? Do you know them? Bro, I know so many things. Oh, you know too much about them. I am privy to highly secretive information.

Wow. Okay. Well, I guess it'll all come out at New Year's. It's pretty exciting. I'm excited. And my birthday is December 31st. That'll be so cool. Oh, that's really fun.

We'll have some cake. Yeah. Some plantainos. I always get stressed out because I never know what I'm going to do for my birthday. Yeah, it's hard because everyone else is celebrating something else better than you. No? I hate New Year's more than anything else. I know where you live. Do you? Do you. No? I hate New Year's more than anything else. I know where you live. Do you?

Do you live close? We live two blocks away. We never hang out. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let's do a tell trivia. And I always go, let's ride bikes together.

You're never riding bike. Do you ride bike? I'm always riding. What company is that sock? These are, you know, it's this one. I don't know what that is. We need to get sponsored by them because. Stance.

We always wear stance. Stance. Reach out to us. Sponsor us. I need new socks. Dude, you know what Angel does on the rider? Every town they go to, they get underwear, shirts, and socks. So they don't have to do laundry.

That's awesome. That's cool. Yeah. We come home. Don't you like to wash things before you wear them? A little itchy if you don't have to do laundry. That's awesome. That's cool. Yeah. We come home. Don't you like to wash things before you wear them? A little itchy if you don't wash them. No. Can we get a Jew counter on it?

I've never bought new clothes. Every time you act Jewishly, we have a counter. You're a 12% self-hating Jew. That's what you are. Officially. That's what it came back on 23andMe. 12% self-hating. That's a Jew.

Yeah. Yes. Don't you wash things before? I'm just saying. I never buy new clothes. All of mine are used. So you really gotta wash them. No, no. Then they're all worn in perfect and I wear them until they're

disgusting and then I wash them. I've gotten bad bugs a couple times. That's the thing too. Every fucking time you had creepy crawlies you didn't care Ian do you understand that people can be different than you and feel different ways

and other people for instance if you came up to me and you said I might have bed bugs I would football kick you in the mouth and that's okay we just feel differently you will do anything to be in the company of others even if it means sacrificing your pinky. You were still going everywhere.

Buddy, I didn't go to a wedding because I thought I had them. I paid $3,000 to get my room entirely steamed out. In this apartment sitting here, did we go, huh, what if it's bedbugs? And then, because I am here all the time because I'm never allowed to not be here. And then I went home and steamed everything

and didn't go to a wedding because of it. Who's wedding? My friend from college. I have other friends too. Look at me. You're very sick and we're in a box and we're all going to get sick. I'm not sick. And it's going to be your fault. I'm

congested. You should have seen the counter full of various. I can't believe. There was NyQuil. There was Mucinex. There was vitamin C. I mean, there was so many different things. There were so many. I was actually shocked you didn't try and hide any of that. I got nothing to hide. I'm sick.

Yeah, that's the truth. This is crazy here. Oh, God. It sucks. I smoke cigarettes, so I have a cough often. Do you think the audience can't hear you? I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe. Yeah, so do we. Against Ian Day. Nobody would be against you if you were respectful of other people's time.

All right. We're moving on. Thank you for testing. That's a respectful thing. You're just also going to get sick though. No. Sickness is a mindset. Okay.

Wow. Half the time. It's psychosomatic and you can, you can think your way into sick. You should go yell that at some guy in a wheelchair Just like be more positive Walk Your legs not working or your mindset

Would you quit smoking if I paid you $2,000 No that's not enough It's kind of a whole persona now The rings and the smoking you couldn't stop doing that I don't want to stop What's David Tell's birthday? January 19th.

19th? Wow. Both very good. What's his mother's name? Mama Tell. Well, that's a personal thing. He said it before. Lillian. Wow. You know all the facts. Yeah.

What's another. Has David Tell ever had a pet? No. No? But he said, he said, well, mom has a pet. Snowball. That's true.

Is it a little dog? Yeah, you really know all these facts. Rosebud Baker. I know about my friends. Didn't he call? He asked me facts about you. What was my... May 28th.

What are my three mother's names? Sue, Donna, Mary. Very close. Mom. M is right. I know it's M. It's... Marlene?

Meredith. Nope. No, hold on. M-A... I know it's M It's uh Marlene? Meredith No hold on M-A M-I M-I Millie It's not Millie Mildred Milk

Is it milk? Milk That's a good name for a mom It's Michelle Michelle Jelly You're gonna wanna fuck Michelle Really? Yeah Milk? That's a good name for a mom It's Michelle Oh, Shelly You're gonna want to fuck Michelle Really? Yeah Can I? Birthday gift? No

Give me a pass for my birthday You guys should get me a Dominican whore for my birthday That's a good idea You are gonna be respectful of my niece's little ears Yes And if she wants to climb you like a tree, you will let her. Yes. And if she wants to stop on your chest

so you're dead, you will also let her. No. Yes. She rules all. Roll your sock up. Get your life together. You're right. You're right. There are Dominican girls have fat butts. Yes. I can't wait. Look at your shoulders. You're so sick.

You're holding them in a sick way. It's all there.'t wait. Look at your shoulders. You're so sick. It's all in my shoulders. You're holding them in a sick way. It's all there. All the congestion's in your shoulders. You see that? Yeah. I see it. It's a joke cough.

What was the name of David Tell's... Now I'm just asking things I want to know. Does David Tell... What? Does he... What? What's his favorite type of coffee? How does he like his coffee? Iced coffee, one Splenda, a little bit of milk.

One Splenda? That's the best. What does he do after shows that annoys the shit out of me? Get offered five-star Michelin steak dinners from people, yet he chooses IHOP. It's the worst. Why? What about for my bachelor party?

My bachelor party was so depressing. We go to a strip club. He takes us to a strip club. It's a horrible strip club. Drops us off. He goes to talk to the valet for the whole time we're in there. Dude, because the valet was in the military for a week. He was like, Navy man,

I carry a flashlight on my hip. And then it's supposed to be my celebration. We're in Texas. I'm like, let's get some tacos. And instead we go to fucking IHOP. And it was disgusting. And it took an hour to get food. It was horrible.

Why did you go to IHOP? He loves IHOP. He just doesn't want... No one wants tacos. Everyone's weirded out by the cops across the street and the guns. I like tacos. Oh, that was a bad area. Yeah, sure.

That's how you know the tacos are going to be good. True, true. Dude, your bachelor party was the funniest fucking thing ever because it was a strip club. Last minute found strip club and when he went to give money to the stripper,

it was like he was placing a bet on roulette. He put a dollar on the stage and then slid it like that and then walked away with his hands behind his back. Well, you, because you walk in, he walks in, he starts slapping the stripper's ass. Usually, they just drag you out of there,

beat the shit out of you, and that's the end of your night. If you do that with my mom, I will kill you. Why would I do that to your mom? I don't know. Am I not Mr. Fun Time Guy at strip clubs? You're incredibly fun at strip clubs. I'm saying you're going to do it at the wrong strip club. I am so sorry, but I'm sitting with you.

Come on over. What's the matter with you? Can I have a liquid desk, please? A red one? This is wild. I would like one, too. More couch for me. I'm glad.

I just can feel. Sparkling, please. Whoa. That was also, by the way, that was my work bachelor party, my actual bachelor party. I went to Costa Rica and it was awesome. That was your work colleague.

Yeah, yes. Yes, that's what that was. You mean to tell. We had a great time at a strip club in Vegas, too. That's what I'm saying. Like, no, you are a great... I always say to go to a strip club with a true sex addict is really, is really just next level.

It's so fun. It's really crazy. Why is everything knives out against Ian Day? Do I have a false perception of who I am in my head? You're not a sex addict? You are a sex addict. Yeah, but it's not bad. I know, it's funny.

I said it's super fun. Look, man, I try every day To be a good Fucking guy Not today A human Today you didn't Today we had to force you

To be human Yeah Today we had to Some days it's hard To be human Wait Also with the strip club experience I've had with you

You were inhuman As well How was I inhuman I made sure you got home okay Me I got you on the bus and told two guys if they touch a hair in your head, I would fucking make their life irrevocably

different. You were good to me, but there was a stripper who gave you your money back. Gave you the money back? I've never heard of that. She did. That's insane. I got a refund from a stripper. How? I was going out to them and go,

may I offer you a piece of currency, milady? Not this. You were tucking it in her bosom and she was like, I don't want that. Yeah. But dude, we went to a strip club on Thanksgiving, me and my best friend Justin, who's got to come on the podcast.

He's the fucking best. We have so many good stories. Can I say what the deal is? Is he the guy that No. Okay. No, no, no. Different guy. Okay. What did the guy do? This couch is getting farty. You made a good choice. It's a

farty party. So, and also, I'm going to get ahead of it. If this gets to you, I'm sorry get ahead of it if this gets to you I'm sorry what if it gets to us we're fucked we'll die it's a bad thing

good if it gets to me one time his farts got stuck in my nose for weeks I was driving in a car with him but that's good it means you can smell again weeks. I was driving in a car with him. But that's good. It means you can smell again. Don't breathe.

It just hit. Delayed reaction. Yo, new fart just hit. I'm not sick. I'm just talking like this because I'm breathing out of my nose. I don't want to know. I got the tip of it and now it's... Dude, imagine

the full wasp. I was in his car one time just me and his ex-girlfriend at the time. I mean his girlfriend at the time, ex now. Just to remind everybody, he doesn't have a girlfriend. He's going to die alone. Anyway, we were in the car. We were in the car screaming. I have woken me

and a lover up with my gas in the middle of the night. Wow. With the smell. The smell, not the noise is the really impressive part. But then again, I was sick. Ew. Yeah, that's why you smell now because you're sick. Stop telling us that you're farting sick farts into

us. I hate this. I love this. I love this. Can you catch a cold? I love this. This is amazing, and I'm so glad all of this is happening. Look at this. Can we breathe again? Do you still smell it?

This is the Jewish couch over here. What? What? What are you doing? I don't smell great under here, I'll be honest with you. Who's videotaping us? Yeah, what's wrong with you? What are you a Karen right now?

Dude can I say something Speaking of black people What? That was not brought up Why? Because Karen Go ahead and let's dispel whatever Theory you have right now

You have a really bad Uber rating because every time you send an Uber to my house. No, it's not from me. I get in and it's like there's like basically six Mexican dudes and like a shit stain on the seat. Like when I call an Uber, it's like really nice. But anytime you call me one, it's like we almost died like three times getting over here. I have a bad Uber rating? I don't know, but every time you call me an Uber, it is ratchet. It is

filthy. Does that happen? I didn't even know this was a thing, that you get a bad rating so you get worse Ubers. I don't know. Probably because of your behavior in the Uber, they rate me bad. I don't do anything in Ubers. I don't talk to them. I'm silent. Ooh. How bad is it?

4.58. That's four and a half stars. That's good. That bad, but it's not that good. I think it's hard to get a bad. Have you ever asked them if you can smoke cigarettes in their car? Yes. Yeah, they don't like that.

Oh, I also do a thing where I'm running late to the airport in the morning i go if you step on and get me there fast i'll give you a big tip and then you do maybe they don't like that and i ghost them oh i'm kidding cash tip plus tip on the thing that's pretty good ian fucking rules all right you say that in the mirror every morning Don't spit No no spit No spit In here Spit there That's a new

Republican flag Don't spit on me It's so close to spit She's good Her mouth is open There's nothing in there Jesus just spit. She's good. She's good. Her mouth is open. She's okay. There's nothing in there.

Jesus. You're such a stupid monkey. You're so stupid. Pushing on this. Popping. You keep saying the things you want to have happen. In rules. Popping.

Money in my pocket. Did you say popping to the cup? Jesus. He yelled at the cup, popping. Is he going to open it? I don't know what's happening. I'll tell you what's happening. You're really sick and delirious and you need to be resting.

But instead you're forcing two of your close friends to also share your same fate that's what's happening i think there's something yeah eating away my brain yeah it's called lesions oh my god that's funny oh fuck man i went to Pilates today And I gotta tell you the Pilates instructor Wasn't that in shape And boy howdy will that make me quit Like a dentist with bad teeth Hairdressers often have fucked up haircuts

But I think because they're experimenting With their own hair That's a very good point I went to a new guy Love it Shout out Jack Not my best I went to a new guy. Love it. Shout out. Let's see it. Not my best.

Do you see how sick he is? Look at his eyes. I would love for you to have been like, I feel so sick. We have to cancel the pod. And I would have come over anyway. I would have brought you soup. I would have wore a mask.

We would have watched a movie. But instead, you have to do this bullshit. When you don't feel good. It's called posturing. Posturing, but I got bad posture. You're not that sick though, right? How sick are you? Tell me. Scale, 1 to 10. His face looks bad.

That's normal. How sick are you? No, no Cover your mouth That was a fake cough I do have a date tonight And I think I might cancel Who's the date with?

Let's talk about it Don't cancel it Girl Tosh Not the girl that you Her name is Tosh? The girl I saw Picture yourself? Different girl

What happened to that girl? Holy mother of Christ. Oh, the cutie? This one's hot. Bro, you got to look at this other one. The cute girl? Yeah. That girl is way too young, but hot.

Who's hotter, her or Tosh? They're both really cute. Who is Tosh? Oh, to you? Yeah. Tosh. Okay. You like black girls.

This girl's black. Is she unable to watch Any episode of the podcast when you talk Yes Is she Do not do one bit of research in anything Jordan says Is she On the dating app

Yeah she's a model But how did you know her name Because I showed him Last night When we were hanging out Unsickly I didn't know you were sick then How did you know her name? Because I showed him last night. Let me see. When we were hanging out on sickly. I didn't know you were sick then. I'm not sick.

What are you doing with your mic? I don't know. You're holding it like if there was a pearl opening in a clam. You know what I mean? Give it a little kiss. Oh, shit. Right. Why do people have sex with you?

Oh, my God. Pretty amazing. Almost amazing enough to make me not racist. Look at that. Wow. We'll see. I might cancel. I don't know.

Don't cancel Well You just tested I gotta clean my apartment Before tonight She can't come into the apartment With a wall of liquid death Yeah, the apartment looks bad He's not supposed to be doing stuff like this

Because he's a sex addict No No, it's okay Date There's top line behavior and bottom line behavior. What's that? I've never heard of that phrase. Top line behavior is behaviors that bring you towards your

values and goals and the way you want to live your life. Bottom line behaviors take you away from those values and goals and the way you want to live your life. I need to stay away from bottom line behaviors. Bottom line behaviors for me. You need to stay away from bottoms.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Hey, because you're gay. Got it. Bottom line behaviors for me, as I've defined with a sponsor, are obsessive use of dating apps, hookup apps, cruising. What? When you cruise on your bike? What do you mean cruising?

Cruising is when you go like this to a guy in a bar. That's it? Cruising is when you're... See if I've gotten good at it. Yeah. That's it? Yeah.

Cruising is... And then you assault them. Cruising is going to a largely populated area of gay men and looking for sex. Like the part in Central Park? The brambles. Yes. Yes.

No. That's what I call my pubic hair. I do. A lot of men cruise away from that. I have a question, Daddy. My bottom lines are No info-seeking, big one What's info-seeking?

Please, by all means Info-seeking is, say me and you Just broke up, I check your Twitter Or I say to Ian, hey, what's going on with Louis Cavs, what's happening with him? That's info-seeking, I can't info-seek But I also am not supposed to date Until I get to the ninth step Or something, but the problem with that is dating is not a thing I've ever had an

issue with. It's the other stuff I have an issue with. But so that's my middle line, but I can't do my middle line because it leads to my bottom line. And you are saying your bottom line, you can't get led to, but your middle line is certainly cruising the apps and what you're doing and going on dates with randos and having sex with people that you're not that into, which is a bottom line, right? So what book is all this from? These nine steps and lines,

the SLA handbook. You're, but you're not in recovery right now. That's just the truth. Well, right. Or are you always in recovery? Always,

always. I just am wondering how the vernacular is. You know, it's, um, just because you don't go to meetings doesn't mean you're not in recovery. I go to AA meetings more than I go to SLA meetings, but I haven't had a drug or a drink in over eight years, coming up on nine years.

So that would lead one to believe, and this is the truth, that drinking is not my problem. My problem is me. So I go to AA to deal with myself rather than the obsession and craving to drink. You're such a pure addict, though. I've never met anyone like you, kind of. It's like that. Thank you.

It's not good. I'm hearing unique. You are, but no, I mean, like, you're really, you've replaced one addiction with another addiction, with another addiction, with another addiction. You're always addicted to something. It's starting to be more positive things. So that's better.

Yeah. Thank you. Yes. So what I'm hearing is I'm a positive person and you've never met anyone like me. Sure. Cherry picking. Yes.

But you feel hollow and empty when you bang these girls. Really? Well, not so much. I feel hollow and empty when I, and, and I've gotten really good at recognizing my behaviors. I feel hollow and empty. My relationship with sex, a lot of it is steeped in shame. So when I act out shamefully, I've really kind of been able to identify, okay, so I'm feeling alone. I want attention. I'm seeking out sex so I can get outside myself and feel high and not deal with another thing. shamefully, but sex can be healthy. And if I want to have sex with someone and find someone that is fun to hang out with, we have sex and we laugh and have a good time. There's nothing wrong with that. Totally. You know, like they say in Ghostbusters, Buster makes me feel good. I love that you quoted my favorite movie. I know, you know, we're going to do for the podcast. We're going to run out of movie theater and watch Ghostbusters in the matrix. The new Ghostbusters I assume first she's never seen it

I've never seen The Matrix you've never seen The Matrix? the best movie of all time what's a better movie Matrix or Ghostbusters? Matrix wrong what? you're wanting to talk

I was just asking when are we doing that that's the first time I've heard that Wrong. What? You're wanting to talk. I was just asking when we're doing that. Yeah, when are we doing that? That's the first time I've heard that. Oh, eventually. That's the thing we'll lead up to. But we also have to film us. You said you shave your mustache. Did you send me money?

Yes. Oh. We also have to watch Home Alone. Do a watch party. Is that Drug Church record in the Brand New Soul? What? Doesn't that look like Drug Church Eye? No. Yeah. That's the album in the Brand New Soul? What? Doesn't that look like Drug Church Eye? No.

Yeah. That's the album cover of Brand New Soul from Angel Dust. Drug Church, we don't have an album of theirs, but we do have Self Defense League, which is Patrick's other band from Drug Church. That's Nirvana. Nirvana. Nirvana.

that's nirvana nirvana we have to set the record player back up and sell that thing on craigslist or something sell the aquarium because we can't touch the rats we bought the rats they don't like to be held ever but we give them rats well we bought the wrong ones we went to a store and we bought ones that were already had been scared the life out of them by pet smart in brooklyn get out ahead of this and say i love them even though they don't like i love them i don't like to be touched either i felt as if it was a rash decision it was a rat decision but listen to me we love them and we love them. They're great. I love them both. And if Ethan would let me grab them, I would force him to love me, but he won't let me. But when we get.

I just got my flight to the Dominican Republic upgraded. What the fuck? Yeah. That's a good sign. Wow. What are you, Diamond Plus or something? I'm Diamond. Wow, really?

Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah. What are you? I don't. I'm not loyal. Excuse are you? I'm not loyal to anything. I'm a chase guy. That's insane. It's not insane.

It's not insane. Why? You don't get to go in the lounge? Oh, I go to a lounge. I go to a lounge when I fly for 75,000 miles business class to Japan and back. That's what I did with my chase points. So you can't really beat that. We can go to Japan and back with our miles.

I'm business class. You have enough miles for that. What's business class? You're lying down. Oh, that's Delta 1. You're lying down. Yeah. Yeah.

I've done that. But we sit in the lounge every day and that's how I eat my groceries. I don't like the lounge. I have priority pass lounge, which is a different lounge. Sometimes I have a lounge, sometimes I don't.

Oh. So I have priority pass. I have the chase miles. What are you guys, Delta? Yeah. See, everyone says you've got to be loyal to Delta. The times always suck. It's always more expensive. Yeah, but we go in and we hang out in the Delta lounge. I don't do Delta lounge. What I do

is... I heard you can't even get in the lounge. I heard you have to pay now to get in the lounge. Not if you're a Diamond Delta member. All I'm saying is I just got a fucking upgrade to the Dominican Republic. Wait, you go in the lounge for free, right? Which goes back to my thesis that Ian rules. You know what's crazy is Joe List has no Delta card

and he's a Diamond member. Really? Like he's never had a card. Wow, just from flying. That's awesome. Talk about yourself. What's happening? He has to pee.

I have to pee and also fart and I don't want to do it in front of you guys. Appreciate it. Okay, as soon as you leave, we're going to say a lot of mean things. Isn't that an air filter? Can you say? Yeah, turn that on. This isn't an air filter. It's a heater. Oh. Can I say what?

No. I would love to say that if Ian rules, but Ian did not rule. He's very sick. Okay. Well, Jordan also held a fake rat and then it instantly broke. So that's why I'm also afraid to let them. It is a split apart rat. Yeah, sure.

Ian's the one who fed Richard one to the cat. They just have to get used to us. It's just, they're mild tempered, you know? And they're a little bit afraid. What are their names? Richard 2 and Guinevere. Cool. Yeah. That's Richard 1. What are they like? Is Richard different than Guinevere?

Richard 2 is insane. That's my rat. I mean, they're both technically Ethan's, but my rat is Richard 2. And Richard 2 is a girl and she's a psycho and bites Guinevere and is way more outgoing Guinevere is the more beautiful one but she's very shy she doesn't bite Gwen yeah I just saw her bite actually Gwen just bit Richard but she did bite Gwen a bunch they're just biting each other just little love bites they're lesbians oh nothing crazy don't you think it's a little like

I was saying to Ian like it's a little sad like in this, New York is kind of a rat utopia. Yet these rats live in a cage when there's like, this is like the holy land for rats is New York City where they're just free and living wild. Yes, but ours stay warm in the winter. Yeah, ours are domesticated though. So if they went out into the wild, they would instantly die. But it's also not that fun being a rat out there because they can't get that much food. And there's a lot of poison. When I was a landscaper, we had to poison so many of them.

That's true. There's a lot of poison out there. And it made me feel very guilty. There's a lot of poison out there. Now, here's my rat question for you. There's two types of rats in New York City, above ground and below ground. The above ground, they are fat. They are well fed, but they are overweight.

There's below ground, never see the sun, skinny, slender, industrious. But they go above and below. No. Which one would you rather be? Above and fat or below and nimble? Rats go above ground to feed and walk around, and then they go below ground. Have you not seen the ones at West Forth that are big, fat ones that get stuck in holes, and then you go down there and you see the little nimble ones?

There are two types. You're basing this off of one location in the city. I'm asking which one would you rather be? Fat. They're both. Fat rat. I'm asking which one would you rather be? Fat. They're both. Fat rat. Have you ever seen a Nambian rat? Rats get...

What's that? Rats get fat while poor men die. Yup. Is that a lyric? Well, that's because they don't know how to be rats. It's a classic tattoo. It's about war. Rats get fat.

Like the war machine. Yeah, I know. Andats get fat. Like the war machine. Yeah, I know. Pigs are fat. Politicians, rats are my name. I thought it was pigs or fat cats. While poor men go to war and die, man! It's bad what we're doing over there. Wow. You're really making a statement. My belt keeps...

Man, I just watched that entire docuseries about the Vietnam War no the woman on HBO what is it called I keep hearing about it everyone loves it it's not lovable I need to watch it to catch up

but this one is really wait you think the jinx is lovable I love that man so much the jinx is incredible the end that's that man so much. The jinx is incredible. The end? You know what's funny? That's all I would do if I was a killer. I thought the cool thing about this podcast would be

it would force Ian to stay off his phone for at least an hour. No, he can't. But no, he came in addicted to the phone. He's on his better behavior when he respects the people more. I bet. I was in the bathroom Scrolling We were talking about rats

How fun this is because we can really be ourselves And now you're saying I don't respect Louie Which is quite honestly Pretty observant But also you're really being yourself You're on your phone That's really quintessential you That should be one of my bottom line behaviors

To get away from my phone You know what the worst is? You don't think it should be sex? No, the sex is good Well, just in terms of addiction What were you going to say that was going to Smudge the name I've worked towards for years To make well

I mean, I'm not just going to say this It's going to totally discount your ruling But when we're on the road, he listens to videos out loud. Yeah, it's really bad. It's so obnoxious. It's really bad. It's so rude. You know, I've heard that before.

And then I go, I go, hey, can you turn that off? He goes, what? Oh, I didn't know. And then just 15 minutes later, it'll happen again. I know. I treat a car like Dominican Street, the six train. Yeah. Dude, that's more acceptable than you in a car with two other people.

Yeah. A train at least like age. You know what's funny and why I'm such a hypocrite? Because when I'm on the train and that happens, I go, this is such rude behavior. And then when I do it, I go. That's really self-aware of you. I'm glad that you're realizing. Thank you.

And I need to stop it. You're right. Yeah. And I think that your external speaker is a little too big. When you pulled up to my house the other day, the entire block heard it. It need,

I need to turn it down when I get to my destination. Why is it so big? It needs to be big and loud so people can hear me approaching on my bicycle. Do people yell, do people like it?

Do people yell at you? People do like it. And I was moshing on my bike with a couple of people a couple of weeks ago. What? How was that? How do you do that? I was moshing on my bike with a couple people a couple weeks ago I was blaring trapped under ice in these metal heads we were riding our bikes

swinging our arms and shit screaming lyrics did they know the lyrics? we were such a dork on the stage with Angel Dust singing everywhere you should have gone and helped them you know what I realized? You should have gone and helped them. You know what I realized? What?

And I'm angry. And you can relate to this. We were talking about it, I think, last night. What? I know we were with Todd, but taping a special and then immediately afterwards going,

I should have done this. Why did I say that? This joke here. And with me listing those band names, the point of it was to make them sound jarring yeah like and and instead I'm like oh it just sounds like I'm name checking them but I did it as a way to make it like funny band names to get me like riled up on the bike does that make sense of course you can also edit a lot but that's not what I heard in the joke what'd you hear in the joke?

The problem is I know all the bands, so maybe if I didn't know the bands, I would hear it that way. If you said Angel Dust, Judge Church, but I was just being like, why is he just listing our favorite bands? Right. I was doing it more so to make it sound like I'm off-putting.

Like Goat Fucks a Lady. You're like, I let you relax by listening to The Devil Wears My Mom. Yeah. Totally. Well, you can do a lot with editing, so I wouldn't worry about it. And you had so much energy.

You know, that's going to be captured on film. Yeah. The only thing I would regret is the outfit. That was really an odd choice. It was a good outfit. Thank you. It's not the same shirt we wear on every podcast, Louis. I don't wear this shirt on every podcast.

You wore it on fucking Taste Buds. No, I didn't. Did I? Yeah. Fuck, I was trying to wear a different podcast, Louie. I don't wear this shirt on every podcast. You wore it on fucking taste buds. No, I didn't. Did I? Yeah. Fuck, I was trying to wear a different shirt. Idiot. Are you sure? God damn it. Pretty positive. Good. Feel bad. Go. What? Bowling shirt and shorts. Bowling shirt and shorts. Yeah.

Good. Feel bad. Hate yourself. What'd you say? You looked great, but it was good. I was very proud of you for bringing two of, you brought two shorts, two shirts. Genius. But they were the same, right? Yes.

Ethan got on me for that. Thank you. Ethan, that was you? Do you sweat through everything every time you're on stage? Totally. He's disgusting. That's gross. I completely sweat so much.

My hair was like slicked down, but I think it's good because it makes it seem like it's live and what it really is. By the way, we haven't talked about this yet. Thank you so fucking much for everyone that fucking sold out my tapings and came, sent me love, gave me hugs.

Except for the second show. You guys were flat. Thank them too. Thank you too for making me work for it Which actually felt kind of cool If I took a step back You did really good And I talked to a bunch of people

And they were like that's how every Special taping is like Where there's one that's insane And then the other one that's like what the fuck The order is just a trip Usually it's the reverse And that's weird that you got the second one was bad But I think it's

How good is it to know that you got the second one was bad, but I mean, I think it's, uh, how good is it to know that you got that first one in the can and it rocked, you know? So, but it was kind of cool in the second because I had to break and be like, what the fuck is a matter with two people? And I had to like kick them in the mouth.

And then I felt this thing. I got, uh, after that I got a huge fucking whatever. And I think I've said it on stage. I was like, yeah, now i got you motherfuckers and then i like went on what was that can you do that again yeah it's a pretty

cool looking now i got you motherfuckers really cool that looks really cool yeah i got you you never said that once you were freaking out the whole time what shut up it's not true so was i dude i said it. Didn't I? There's a really good jump you did on the reshoots at the end and I hope you keep that jump in.

Oh, yeah? Like a karate kick or something. Those are my favorite parts of the reshoots. That was really cool. Your intro is so cool when you come in.

Are you putting one out? I put one out already. Really? That's right. Yes. When did it come out? Like a month and a half ago. If These Balls Could Talk.

No, that's my first album That came out 14 years ago But thank you for paying attention It's called Cat Skills That's my second album That came out six years ago Anything else? Want to try again?

Sorry they're not at Telfax You don't have them ready These are actually kind of Louis Cat's deep cuts. They are. I appreciate it. Which shows I care and pay attention.

I appreciate it. Check another one off for Ian Rules. Continue. Name your new special. Present tense. Present tense. He was just about to say that.

And it's on YouTube and you should check it out. And it's doing well. It is doing really well. I really liked your intro. I thought that was really fun. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Is it doing well? How can you tell if it's doing well. It is doing really well. I really liked your intro. I thought that was really fun. Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Is it doing well? How can you tell if they're doing well? The numbers. What's it at? It has like 640,000 views count. That's great. Yeah. That's really great.

Thank you. Thanks. Yeah, I'm pretty happy with it. That's amazing. Did you do a bunch to promote it? Yeah, I did. I'm doing this, mostly this. This is my big push.

That's the move? Yeah. I did a bunch to promote it yeah i did i'm doing i'm i'm this mostly this this is this is my big push that's the move yeah um i did a bunch to promote it and uh but i looked i had like no subscribers on my channel i had like 1800 subscribers and i got that many views so it's pretty hell yeah yeah that's amazing thank you i'm recording one in february where improv i think hollywood i think Where? Improv Hollywood Improv Hollywood? That's great I'm not sure In LA? Yeah I think so Cool

I know I have to find out for sure I haven't seen one there I know There hasn't been one there I don't know if they've approved it Let me ask them Who are you shooting with? Webb

Webb boy Webby James Webby Oh cool James Webbers. Oh, cool. James Webberson. Nice. I should ask. That's awesome.

I know, but because I don't actually know if that's true. I will shush. I had to run it up the ladder. Very exciting. I don't know what the ladder will say. Very exciting. When do you think yours will be out, Ian? I mean, you just know, cut.

There's nothing wrong. It just happened a week ago, so. My thinking is April 4th, 2024. I love the number four. It was me and my dad's nothing. I just happened a week ago. So my thinking is April 4th, 2024. I love the number four. It was me and my dad's number. Four, four, two, four. Cool number. And Ghostbusters comes out the week prior.

And I'm doing a Ghostbusters intro. And I think that'd be cool to be in the zeitgeist. And my ska band, Sock Full of Pennies, had a song called 4498. So I've really beginning getting into numerology lately, and I think this is a nice thing. Glad you asked. She's so unhinged. Sorry, I'm sick.

I know. I think that's good. That's going to give you plenty of time, too. I mean, it'll probably be knocked out by next month. Have you guys felt the time is just jumping on us? Yes. Like it seems like it's like what? For the last like eight years.

I thought you said because of your illicit behavior. Wow. You added syllables to that. How is that even possible? I don't know. I feel like time has been jumping. I mean, it's crazy that it's like December something. Not only that, Christmas is in like two weeks. I'm playing Philly in like three weeks.

I think life just gets exponentially more and more like that. Yeah. Like think about a five-year-old when you're like, we can't get ice cream today, but we can get it tomorrow. And they're like, eh. Whereas with us, it's like in a year, I'll do that. And we're like, okay, that's coming up quick. Yeah.

Right? Also, you're changing lists. So it's like there's not a good way to measure time as much. I think everyone's feeling it because this winter season has been very strange in that like two to three weeks ago, I was wearing shorts. No, it's just the older you get, the more time that you have. So each increment of time seems smaller. Yeah. Yes. No. Yes. It's actually you don't have to say I don't know. It's just how it is. It's just like the reality of physics. I like to question everything, man. Well, if you're five, you've only been on the planet for five years, right?

Planet? Yep. Oh. Yes. Planet. Yes. I don't know. I thought you said it in a different way.

And then when I was computing it, my words came out. I realized I was wrong. What did you think she said? The planlet. No. I think I need more Fusinex. Oh my god. Get away! Get to the other side of the couch!

Don't scream woo at us. Bro, there was a guy who came out to my show that had the worst breath I have ever smelled and I swear to god every word that he said to me and John was like, hey, I love you. Oh, those guys are bad. I had like, right before I met my current wife, I was my only wife. My only wife, I promise. I swear on my life.

I only have one. The last dating site I went to, there was like a certain kind of breath that I was getting on multiple women. I think it's from not eating enough. It's pheromones. And when I dislike a person, they will have a certain smell to them.

Really? And if I'm getting along with someone. This guy had shit on his teeth. This guy had been at his house eating shit. I swear to God. Could have been the duty on his teeth this guy this guy had been at his house eating shit i swear to god in the duty on his teeth so fucked up i was standing so far away from him and i was like this and john was like dude i couldn't even when when i get along with someone things are fine but if if if i start to dislike someone their smell will change to me yeah that's why i don't like when people wear cologne i'm like you're tricking me i don't know who's smell i'm the

most attracted to come over here let me get a whiff give me some oh yeah that's why I don't like when people wear cologne. I'm like, you're tricking me. You know whose smell I'm the most attracted to? Who? Come over here. Let me get a whiff. Give me some. Oh, yeah, that's so strange. It's really disgusting. What do you smell like? Come smell it.

Come here. What's the smell? Come here, let me have some. Is it a cologne or is it a soap? No, it's like, I disagree. I need you to, I need Louis. I like to smell things. I would like to smell this.

Yeah, I can tell. I want to go to Sarge's Deli so bad. How good was Sarge's the last time we were there, Louis? I don't think I smelled it. Are you wearing Eddie Bauer jeans? I don't know. I wasn't getting a strong scent of it. Yeah, it's not.

I don't. Yeah, it's dirty boy. It's dirty. It's dirty boy. Yeah, that's what I'm basically saying. He stinks. Yeah. But it's a light. It's like it's a. No, no, it's a. I showered. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm basically saying. He stinks. Yeah. But it's a light.

It's like it's a no, no, it's a showered. Yeah. No, it's a I know what you mean. It's like, is it bad? You want to take it? Yeah. Yes, please. It's not bad.

The whiff you got. It's not bad. Ian, do you do it? Ian doesn't like it when it's bad I didn't want to get over there with the sickness Get away, get away Get away, get away I said come over here Swallow it Swallow it swallow it

swallow it put your bass in put your bass in I don't know I just yeah I stink all the time I don't think you stink thank you so much

maybe I stink all the time this is a pretty thick sweater so maybe it doesn't come through maybe when you're getting the time. I don't think you stink. Thank you so much. Maybe like... I stink all the time. This is a pretty thick sweater, so maybe it doesn't come through. Maybe when you're getting up in there. I can't believe it doesn't smell. Maybe you're right. It smells more than the left.

That could happen. I smell the left when Sam Harris texts me. I'm Sam Harris? No, it's just an email from him. Are you a Sam Harris guy? You seem like a Sam Harris guy. I don't know. I don't follow any of this shit.

Really? Peterson? Jordan Peterson? No, I don't follow any of this shit. Really? Peterson? Jordan Peterson? No, I don't follow any of that shit. I'm a fan. Jordan Peterson's a daughter. Hot. Well.

Really? Hot, but she talks like this. Hotter. She talks like that. That's kind of hot. I love my daddy. This is my impression of Jordan Peterson. I don't like any of the guys you like.

What do you mean? Peterson or Harris or any of them. I don't like them. Well, you're not very bright. So intellectual things. I'm like wildly intelligent. Really? I don't know about that.

I'm sorry. What intellectual podcast do you absorb? I don't have to absorb an intellectual podcast to be smart. Conspiracy theories from the internet. That's what he likes. That's what smart people do. January 6 was set

up by the FBI. Don't please. Go for it. He was breaking it down last night and it's the worst, dumbest evidence. Wait, what is the evidence that you have? He doesn't have any evidence. You're laying down because you're sick. No, this is my thinking pose. Who are those?

Who's Sam Harris? Sam Harris is one of the new atheists. He's one of the five horsemen of atheism. Oh, I've heard of these guys. Okay, cool. Here's the thing. I'm an idiot. True.

And I don't know. I said, we need to do it the same time. But that makes me intelligent that I don't know. I think you're self-aware, but you seem to think you know. But here's the thing.

I am also willing to be wrong and open to the idea of other answers that are not just what I believe. You're emotionally intelligent, but you're also retarded. I think that's a pretty good way to be. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

I'm hearing intelligence. You don't take much information in unless it's false and in big font. I did download an app to use a new way to read. Where it's like, hi Ian. Here's a big butt. Now here's the news written on a big butt

i do a big font i know i saw it yesterday on your instagram it's like you just get bifocals no don't fix the problem just fucking have this old man phone no there is a new thing called bionic reading have you heard of this it bolds certain letters at the beginning of words and it helps you read easier and faster and it really does work. Ready? I'll show you. It's bad for the internet. I mean podcast. So we'll...

I can come tomorrow. I just found out. Oh, great. Six? Or earlier? Earlier. Oh, okay. I'll text Shane. This has been great. Why don't we wrap this up? What time is it? We have to go to a meeting. 505. Like an attic meeting?

Yeah. Really? That's nice. 505, yeah. In like 45 minutes. Are we going to do a Patreon? Do we have to? You know how to do today, but we do need one for this episode. Yeah.

Do you want to do Patreon? Wow. Cool. But you have to tell secrets on the podcast. We get to ask you secrets. What do you mean? What secrets? Plug yourself. Plug.

What do you got? I'm getting dumber uh i'm getting dumber i'm getting dumber yeah yeah plug your stuff and then we'll do the patreon i mean when does this come out now next week next week two weeks set up it comes

out in two weeks last week i was in austin you missed that that's great what'd you do in austin i was at the Creek in the Cave It sold out So fun Yeah it was really good Creek in the Cave

Ritz And then After that Man Two weeks huh And then After Wait what

Two weeks from Have you ever podcasted before? Yeah What What Know your shit I know my shit I need to know when it's coming out

So I can plug the dates Where can people find you? I'll tell you when it's coming out. Website. I need to know the date it's coming out. Okay. The date it's coming out is... Play the Jewish harmonica. The week of Christmas. Week after Christmas. Week of Christmas. Week of Christmas. Okay. Yes. Or as we call it, Dominican Republic time. I was in Austin, you missed that But you can see me at the Sacramento Punchline In January and also at the Irvine Improv

In January, please check out my special Just look up Louis Katz on YouTube It's present tense You can follow me on Instagram and all the different apps At Louis Katz Comedy Congrats Jordan I'm gonna be I'm gonna be at Bricktown Congrats, Jordan.

I'm going to be. I'm going to be at Bricktown. I'm going to be in Albany, Syracuse, Rochester. Oh, sorry. Nope, that's not right. I'm going to be in the Comedy Connection, East Providence. I'm going to be at Sunshine Comedy Festival with Ian. I'm going to be at Madison, Wisconsin.

I'm going to be in Bozeman. Bro, can you guys actually buy tickets to that? Because I'm going for one night and I'm going to kill myself if nobody's there. I'll kill myself. Are we in Bozeman in winter? Yeah. Stupid. IanFardance.com for all my dates, tickets. Philadelphia,

June 4th through 6th. Let's fucking pack it out, baby. And I'm in Tampa with Jordan. And then I'm in Tampa with Jordan. And then Calgary, Sacramento, Seattle, Portland, San Diego. It's going to be really fun. Sam Fran, Ianfinance.com for tickets. Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. We love you.com for tickets, patreon.com slash be any and pod.

Uh, we love you. Thank you so much. You have to shave your mustache off. Not true. Uh, see you next time. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you say anymore