Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 076: Catfish Jelly W/ Shane Torres

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is ride when you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. Black socks with jeans looks good. No. With jeans, yes. Not with white shoes.

These are jeans. Yeah, but you can't wear white shoes and black socks. Pop off in the comments. What about you with your penny loafers and your Arctic chill socks? This is grandpa style. This is grandpa style. No. I am a grandpa style.

That's a child. That's a young five-year-old. Jordan, your footwear is like if somebody representing Alaska in the House of Representatives. That's exactly what I'm going for. I'm going for professional fisherwoman. Yeah. That's good. Fisherwoman who has to.

Let's go. Ooh. Wow. Let's go Ooh Wow Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan We are excited to be here I am the premier pop pop outfit wearer Of the Podcast

You can't, look, if you had white socks on It would be grandpa. But the black and white, how do we explain why that's bad? It's pop up with an E in flair. And I don't care what anyone says. My issue with it was I walked in,

no shoes, black socks, jeans. You're mowing like I don't have the kids this weekend kind of energy. Soup is being delivered. You have four beverages. Yeah. And then we go to

an Asian-owned coffee shop and you're like, it takes so long here. They take so long. I know. It was a while. It's a while. I got hungry again. Yeah. They gotta figure that out. And they messed up the order because there was a language barrier,'s a while. I got hungry again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They gotta figure that out. And they messed up the order because there was a language barrier.

Which is fine. Yeah. Which is fine. And it's a cunt collector. That place is the rudest patrons go in there. Yeah. Oh, really? Yes. Maybe it has something to do with their customer service. Yes. I know. I don't know. Maybe if everyone's rude

or shitty in there, it might have to do with someone not doing a good job but it's just so convenient but she's actually very nice is the thing they're Asian, of course they're nice they just take forever and they don't apologize and they only have one person on the register and 25 people in the kitchen

what are we giggling about? my phone was buzzing within the couch I tried to turn it off. That's why she's giggling. Shane Torres, our guest today. Thank you very much for having me. Vegas Brothers and Sisters. Oh. Omega Mart.

Omega Mart. We did that together. We get the cellar Vegas. All of us. It was a really good time. We're going back with Luke Monez. Oh. Tall me. Tall you. The exact same guy. The exact same guy.

I had a dream that somebody was like, I'm going Sorry. I'm going to Vegas. I'm going to Vegas. And I have to ride in your bag. Boring. Boring.

Are you a bag? Dreams are boring. Thoughts are boring. Dreams are even worse. That's fair. Let me help you take it off like you're in a car. Don't you always want to do that on a plane where you're like, you know to just grab my sleeve.

Help me out. Dude, today. You would say that to a stranger? No, I don't, but I want to. I want to be like, come on, dude. You know what's happening. It's doable. What is would say that to a stranger? No, I don't, but I want to. I want to be like, come on, dude. You know what's happening. It's doable. What is your say? Shout out Wasted Space, Richmond Hardcore. Great

band. These little grommet kids were going nuts. I need to wash your clothes before wearing them. I can see how stiff it is that you just got it. Literally yesterday in the podcast. I think it's a nice fit. Yesterday in the podcast, you said you never wash your clothes when you get them. I don't get them new.

I just had this conversation on the last podcast I did. I swear to God. Really? Yes. That's fucked up. Yeah, it's a little weird. Really? The content mill is running dry.

Everybody, get what you can. What was the conversation? I was on Are You Garbage? And they were like, is it garbage? How come they won't have me on? Is it garbage to not wash a shirt? Because you't have me on. Is it garbage? I'm all to make garbage. Because you would break the matrix. Because the jury's not out.

We know. Yeah. If you, if you went on that show. Can I tell you something? Also, you just smelled your armpit. Shout out our boys.

You just smelled your armpit when you're like, why won't they have me on? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Because literally the cameras would shut off. It'd be like a stranger thing type thing where everything would just be like. I had to wash my.

New Yorkers are going to start to panic. I had to wash my car heart. It's not bad. It's not that bad. And I stomped it like grapes in the shower today. That's how I washed it. Hold on. Like I showered.

You stomped it like grapes in the shower. That sentence sounds like you stomped grapes in the shower. I also, you stomped it like grapes in the shower. That sentence sounds like you stomped grapes in the shower. I stomped, you know how they stomp grapes for wine? Yes. In a bucket. I did that to my Carhartt jacket. Because I didn't want to take it to the dry cleat.

With soap? Yeah. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Pretty smart. Dr. Bronner's smashed it. Absolutely smashed it. I think you've ruined your jacket. It's a Carhartt. You can't ruin it. I think you've ruined your jacket. It's a car. You can't ruin your mind.

No. Yeah. I'm going to wash my clothes. I'm taking to the stomp station. Listen to me. If I took it into the thing, it's like weighs 10 pounds because it's really heavy and they would have charged me $27 for one car.

So I'll just wash in the shower. You're doing fine. The water was brown. Yeah. Then you certainly should have taken it. I'm going to stomp this out. This is a little dirty. Don't you want to stomp now that I taught you to stomp? That looks good. Stomping is fun.

Who was I with yesterday? Oh, Louis Katz. Of course, Mr. Fucking Germaphobe was like, you got to wash it. It's the stains. That is a horrible Louis Katz. You got to wash it. That's just a Jewish Louis Katz. You gotta watch. That's just a Jewish man. No, no, no. It's always nice to see you.

Yeah. You're doing it like Rocky Balboa standing over a trash can fire. You gotta watch it out. Yeah. That's what, yeah. Yeah, you know the famous Rocky Balboa

Yeah, yeah You should have used this We're going to get you a stomping thing So you don't stomp They're not that big though They're huge What are they? Size 10

Really? I'm not American? Well, I'm 9 1⁄2 in men's Put your foot up to mine Oh, he's little. They're probably the exact same size. You guys match. That's sweet.

I've always worn my boyfriend's shoes. Should I wear these? Get away. Just because they fit you doesn't mean you can have them. Well, hold on. This will fix Ian's black sock, white shoe problem. Nah, I like these shoes with white socks. Do not like.

Are these girl shoes? Yeah. But you can get them in men. I feel. Oh, those are men. I feel fancy now. Yeah, you are fancy. I like the way you move your foot within it.

Can we put this one on? No, put them on back on me so people don't jerk off to my sock foot. Oh, I kind of like this. Those look great. No, I don't like this. They just are too heavy. You need a penny in the loafer. Yes, but if they were actual penny loafers and not women's, you'd like this. They just are too heavy. You need a penny in the loafer. Yes, but if they were actual penny

loafers and not women's, you'd like them. Put it on my foot. Oh, I didn't know these were back halves. Put it on my foot. What the fuck? Back halves? Oh, God. Anyway,

we're all trying on each other's shoes. I'm being in with Jordan. I'm everybody's shoe size. Every guy I've ever been with. Except for one who was 6'3". Huge penis. Long boy. Unrolled.

How's your hog? Long, but. That's going to be the new hit podcast. How's your hog? It was a perfect penis. It was a perfect penis, but he didn't know how to yield it, and it came very quickly. Yield it? Very, very fast.

Wait. Rewind. Yield it. He didn't know how to yield for it it came very yielded very very fast wait rewind yield he didn't know how to yield for it and wield it sorry yielding for a giant cock and the second it would touch the outside of the vagina it would come huge issue really yeah crazy what a horrible curse for him i know one time he dragged me into the back seat of a car like having rich parents even though you want to accomplish things and everybody's like we only of a car. It's like having rich parents, even though you want to accomplish things. Everybody's like, we only did it because. Yeah. It's like having a Corvette, not knowing, being able to know how to drive.

Well, I'm not going to say that. Go ahead. No, no, no. No, continue. You've already said it. Well, he was convinced it was the circumcision's fault. That he had a circumcision that made him come prematurely. And I was like, I think it's because you're terrified of everything.

Is that why most men come early? Yeah, I think it's just like fear. I think it's like it's the same. Well, then I'm an X game athlete, lady. Put me on the top of a ramp. I think it's like you come too fast or your dick doesn't work for the same reason. Like you're like, it's psychological. And when you're with a new pussy, it's all these new things and it's a new person.

And literally a couple of weeks ago, I was with a girl and she was like, God, that was so hot. It just sucks. That was so hot. And I go, well, you know, it's a new vagina. And it's it's it's it happens. I'm an old fella. I don't know what you want me to say. Did you name quick for the girl? Kinda yeah. With Tinder?

Yeah. How fast? She was like so hot. Did you go on that date last night? No. Really? Oh that's right that's right Ian was like I should bail but I don't want to be the I don't want to set the trope as being the white guy who bails and then she bails on him Yeah she's black I'm white and then she was like on him. Yeah, she's black, I'm white. And then she was like,

I did ain't have me. Let's go. Welcome to the pod. But all Ian's messages are like, what's up, jive turkey? He's being like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time she's like, nah, that's you, that's you, that's you. Hey,

fool, you trying to go out and have a sing song with a flim flam. Oh, come on now. This is. Hey, girl. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, I do whatever you want. It's your fucking podcast. I can't figure out why she would have bailed on you.

Yeah. Are you guys rescheduling? Yeah, that was my question too. Have you had sex? No. Screw that. There was this couple last night at the cellar That were touching each other so caressingly And it was their second date and they hadn't had sex yet

And I was like what a mistake That's hot That's like they're going to have sex that night I know but You can't go full wife zone Until you feel the penis How are they holding you? Holding around

Interlaced fingers This is uncomfortable for me How are they holding? Like holding. Holding in the way. Holding around interlaced fingers. This is uncomfortable for me. Is this how wives feel? Yeah. This is how wives feel. Wives with their rocky breasts and iron grips. Are you a good girl? Are you a good girl?

I'm a good girl. Are you a bad girl? I'm a good girl. Are you going to prove it? Are you going to prove that you're a good girl? I can prove it. Okay. Go get me a cookie. I'll go get you whatever you want.

I like the idea that you're still talking to Reggie. Reggie's still on the phone. He's like, what the fuck? I like that you think that's how married couples hold each other. Like arms around the shoulder. You're going to be a good girl, brother. He's a fucking geek. Told you, never come I like that you think that's how married couples hold each other. What? Like arms around the shoulder. No, that is how it's done. You're going to be a good girl, brother.

He's a fucking geek. Yeah. Told you, never come near my girlfriend again. What'd you say? Geek is awesome. Geek, geek. What did you think I said? Something else. Okay.

Something else related to Vietnam. Oh, no. Oh. I feel bad making the association. But that's hot. Like, you know when you're with someone for the first time and then you just, the next day you're like, I gotta have you again.

And then it's just like a week of tearing each other's clothes off. It's like going to eat at the same restaurant two nights in a row. My thing is, though, why would you go out with them in public and not just stay home and ravage each other? Sounds like somebody wants to save a few bucks. That's what they want. Jordan, where are you right now?

Where did you just go? Could you see? Did you see what was in there? I saw. It was just a fucking death stare. Hello, darkness, my old friend. I was trying to think about how when I did this to you that if you had been doing this to me and asking if I was a good girl, I would become very hostile.

Like I would start punching you and slapping. But I wonder if this is what I'm into is being dumb. But I think if we were having sex. No, I don't think I'd like it. I've had sex with somebody and they asked if I was a good girl. And I said, don't ever say those words to me again. I think maybe I could be a dom. You little bitch. What about, what if you were like,

ask if I'm a good boy for mommy? What? Are you? Ask him. Hey. Read him a story. Shane. I actually look over at Shane

to see him be like what are you guys doing and he goes yeah ask him hold on ask him are you going to be a good boy for mommy yes ask him how good he's going to be

how good are you going to be stop putting me in this position Stop putting me in this position Are you going to behave? Stop putting me in this position Are you going to behave? I'll behave You will behave? Yes, yes

Because you didn't behave yesterday But today you will, won't you? And I'll do whatever you want You learned your lesson Yeah So you're gonna lay down Stop, stop And I'm gonna sit on your face

Stop, stop, stop Stop Now do it Now do it but like Stop, stop Now do it, but like ASMR style. Like you used to be like, are you going to be a good boy? New subject. We've got weird socks. The socks are different.

Oh, my goodness. I think I could get into that. Why? Just like beating someone down Lead soup How much coffee have you had today? Ian said hey Hey you Yeah maybe I'll do that

How do I sign up for that? Dude my fucking This woman I know does BDSM stuff. And it is, she was describing it. Really cool. Well, give me what? I like that. Give me what you know and have.

Give me, give me. Give me what? Just tell the chain about me now. I think that she. I would like to know I think I think it's just like a safe place to be

spit on yeah and I think I also think usually people want to be in the position of being dominated like people want to be called a little bitch but I do think I'm realizing i might be reversed you think you want to be a you think you're a spitter which i've always thought i've i like being attacked and aggressively but it has to be such a particular person who is attacking aggressively but what hold on what what what What exactly is this person?

What? Is it aggressive? Yeah. They have to be like daddy. Safe. Very safe. Very like, like Ian could never do it. What?

To me. Fuck you. No, because you're not daddy. You're dangerous. You're like retard strength. You know what I mean? Like, I don't trust you to put a rope around my neck. Because I can't tie knots because yeah because i can't read yeah i don't know how to read a book i don't know um but i think if it

was somebody like i could imagine like you know just somebody who's very capable who do we know that you could imagine someone can this makes a bit of sense because i know you could be daddy ethan could be daddy ethan could be daddy yeah when you're in the ocean with somebody and you're swimming with somebody and you're like i don't feel safe with you because i'm worried that if you start to drown you'll bring me under yes yeah i do yeah you do know that feeling well i was about to tell you how shit your analogies have been lately but that one really connected right right where you're just like i don't like being around you thank you and then like right sometimes your analogies have been lately, but that one really connected. Right? Right? Where you're just like, I don't like being around you. Thank you.

And then like right now, sometimes your analogies are like, you know, sometimes you'll be driving in a car, then you know, your dentist calls, you're like, I don't have time for health insurance.

And you're like, you read a phone number. You're like, what does that have to do with my cousin dying? I do think you would save me in the water, but only because my, your career depends on it.

You cunt. No, it doesn't. You two are going to drown together somehow. It just might be financial. You guys are like Master Blaster or Beyond Thunderdome. Jordan's going to be drowning and I'm going to be like, CBR! One, two, three! Patreon!

Wait, let me record it. Are you dead? Yeah, nothing could do it. You're yelling. This is financially disastrous for both of us. At least do it. I'm paying off another first class ticket. It's a lease.

I don't even own it. I owe money to a lot of Very bad men I thought the well would never end dry Yeah I can imagine you propping me up dead on this couch And be like she's okay she's okay Oh dude when you die I'm gonna weekend A Bernie's you for a long time

Yeah you could do the puppet stick thing But you could also there's a lot of money in memorial clothing what like uh like you know like um what you don't know like you know like when like uh like you see like a memorial t-shirt for like somebody who's died oh that's like airbrushed yeah at a black funeral yeah or or like at a like like a virgin mary one for like latinos will do that yeah. I think you do that with Jordan, and you get a chess piece of Jordan as the Virgin Mary, as a prayer candle. Dude, should I get the Virgin Mary tattooed on my...

Are you Catholic? With your face? Yeah. Oh. I have a question. I have a merch... I have merch. I'm not religious anymore, but no.

No, you will get shot. Don't do that. I was going to get the Virgin Mary with Samson's head on it. And the tattoo artist said no. I got a. Really? I was going to get it as a huge chest piece. I'm glad I didn't.

Shut up, Ethan. I got a off with their heads hoodie, but it's Michael Myers, but with the cat's head. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's really good. Off With Their Heads is a great band. Yeah, yeah. He does my shirts. Really?

Yeah, Ryan. Oh, that's dope. Yeah, I saw him this week. Actually, I was just at the Metro with the Lawrence Arms this past weekend in Chicago. No way. Yeah, I did two shows, yeah. Wow. Yeah, so I saw your poster.

That's why I brought it. Every time I go home to my mom's house, I bring out my old CD booklet from like high school when I was like up until like 22. Yeah. I started to sleep. Lawrence Arms played a big part in that. Yeah, they're great.

Good guys. I'm getting merch made that has a giant gravestone on it. I painted it and I was going to have it say finally reach my goal weight, but I think Maria Bamford says something similar to that and I didn't want to do that because she's my lord and savior but what do you think it should say instead? Here are the options

but it's got to be a tombstone here are the options don't tell me what to do I saw Jordan Jensen before she killed herself I saw Jordan Jensen before she offed herself jordan jensen kill me it could just say kill me it could say skinny finally skinny it could say

no no no i think it should say here lies jordan jensen finally because it's like are we saying it or i wanted to say something like that i wanted to do like a i went i go to the movies by myself sometimes because i want those people to die yeah i was just gonna say i do that yeah i know but i hate when people brag about it i don't do that what if it like it was like from your murderer your tombstone so it was like it was like that'll show her or yeah what if it said fair is fair oh fair is fair it should say fair is fair what about um where's fair is the one what if it just says like how you died kind of like built my own wingsuit or ouch yeah oopsies what if it just said oopsies?

Wait, is it going to be a grave on the back? Do you want to see? Yeah. Oh my god. This guy's so annoying. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Maybe we shouldn't all go on our phones right now on the podcast. This is a mock-up

that, see see she painted it yeah yeah but i feel like this should be in black and white it's a painting should be a black and white shirt um with that on the back and on the front it should say it should say rest in peace jordan jensen and then on the back the fucking um grave should be like uh you know whatever little phrase yeah but you could also it should be uh spray painted on like graffiti like it's shitty like someone was like an asshole came by and vandalized your grave oh that is good you could have a skeleton in a leather jacket pissing on your grave. That'd be cool. I don't want somebody to pee on my grave.

You could do like a Calvin and Hobbes kind of thing. We have a Calvin and Hobbes shirt. Oh, do you? You've seen it, right? I'm showing it to you. Oh, yeah. I like that one. You sell it at your shows?

We sell it on the web store. Oh, what do I do if my friends want shirts? Oh my god. How do I get them? Give me the information and I'll send it to the guy. Okay. But yeah. You two are like lottery balls that are just singing by one another in a con.

Have some soup. Okay. Have some soup. God damn. Lottery balls. I haven't heard that one no spoon no no no no no don't reach your hands in the soup to get the chicken are you insane

just let the chicken move the thing around so the chicken goes down your throat yesterday she was all like I don't want all like, I don't want to get sick. I don't want to get sick. And then now she's just drinking your soup. Thank you for sharing chicken soup with me. Like this.

And then you do a slurping bite. Ew, I don't like watching it up close. Spilled soup on myself. How do I become a dom? I'd have to wear a mask. Why would you have to wear a mask. Why would you have to wear a mask? Because what if somebody looked up at me and went,

hey, you're Jordan Jensen, I listen to your podcast. I don't think you're as famous as you think you are. Hey, hey, hey. Fuck you. Half the time you've been going, you're doing alright, and now don't cut her down. I'm not cutting her down. Also, give me chicken. You guys are doing great. Well, let's not act like you're going to get mobbed by every pervert that wants to have his balls stepped on in a fancy suit. Yeah, that's not bad. They're like, you're going to get mobbed by every pervert that wants to have his ball

stepped on in a fancy. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The amount of times on Tinder that people are like, I listen to your podcast. Sorry about your breakup. And I'm like, sorry about your breakup. Want to smash? Yeah. This is really bothering me.

What? I have a little bit of soup. I really hate stains on my clothing. What are you going to do with your finger there? Yeah, now touch it soft. Except jackets. Stop, no. Do a tiny dot perfectly.

I'm trusting you right now to do a tiny dot? Yes, because I'm daddy, aren't I? Look at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did baby make tea? Baby made tea tea. Say baby made tea tea. Baby made tea tea.

Yeah, say baby made a little. Baby make too much TT That's perfect isn't that perfect Didn't daddy do it perfectly Let me see Let me see I did it perfectly No that's a good piss stain

That's a solid piss stain Looks good man He can't do this you just ruined your shot at being dominant with Jordan it fell so weakly this started flying like a bag in American Beauty.

I was just like, what a piece of shit. So you came out with a special. Have you ever been dominated? Dude, we should do a Patreon tier where you dominate me. Oh. I would not pay to see that, but I would find leaks.

Would you let me do wax, hot wax? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'll do it. I love the idea of hot wax. I spilled my candle together. Can I offer a suggestion here?

Yeah. Only fans. Competition. Oh. You guys, only fans? For who? I don't know? For who? For me? You dominate me in a room, shades in the corner, and we just like, bravo, watch what happens.

You dominate him and I'm a cuck? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That might move some shirts. Alright. At 3,500 patrons paid,

we will, you'll dominate me, leather, wax. I think what would be fun to see is almost like a competitive sense. I don't know if this is you guys' thing, but she gets to wax you. I don't know if this is you guys' thing, but she gets to wax you. I can't get waxed.

If he touches me with pain, I will kill him. No, but it's like a lesser degree. We adjust. So you do wax on him, and then Jordan gets waxed, but she peels it off in her own time. You'll love it. You can wax the one spot on my back that has hair.

Oh, what if it's gross to pain? So, like, you get waxed, and Jordan has to, like, put on a sock full of, like, catfish jelly or something. You know, I don't know. What is catfish jelly? What? I bet you guys aren't on the internet. I'm on it. What the fuck is catfish jelly?

I'm aware about it. Maybe I'll tell you something new. Get on there, B and Ian and Jen Jordaners or whatever you call your fans. What the fuck is catfish jelly? You guys don't know about catfish jelly? No. I don't really want to share it then. Jane, please.

Is it a thing? It's like a huge thing. No, it's not. No, it's not. Yes, it is. What is catfish jelly? I'm a little embarrassed that you guys don't know and that I had to be the one to share it in your couch aquarium. What?

Your couch is in the aquarium. Oh, yeah. I liked it a lot. That was a really cool piece. Okay. Hello. You've spent all that holiday cash on tattoos and tasers already, haven't you? I hate that. Save on your food budget with

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All right. What is this? Catfish jelly. Yes. You asked. Yes. So you get in a tub You're nude And

It's just like a weird thing on the internet It's like for young kids too Wait wait wait what Like younger In their early 20s With that language It's for babies You're introducing us to new things.

You say, you don't look at the internet that I look at. You're like, it's for young kids. You're the ones who are getting mommy cuckold or beat up by Jordan in her fucking Irish sweater. She's putting you in a headlock and saying, be good for mommy. I'm the weird one here.

What do the kids do with the catfish? Tell us about children and their jelly. It's called catfish jelly. What is it? You get in with only socks on. No, I don't like this. The socks are filled with jelly and cat litter.

What? It's like a chemical thing. It peels your feet. Cool. Wait. Will it peel my feet? Can I Google this? This is not real. I made it up. I made it up.

This is not real. What is catfish jelly? It's not a thing. You just said it improvisational. I'll take off this wolf ring and burst into tears. So there's no such thing as catfish jelly No your listeners are like Like keyboard warriors I was about to

Wow The chicken isn't coming to my mouth Oh god It's the worst sentence I've heard today And I heard something horrible. Damn it. Is the chicken coming out? Oh, and she pawed it.

She poo-beared it. She pawed it. She was going to paw it. Fucking skirt pawed my chicken. God damn it. I knew she was going to paw it. Fucking skirt pawed my chicken. God damn it. I mean, this is just... She pawed it. Oh, God damn it. She pawed it.

I don't think I'm a redneck, and then I say stuff like that. My God, you are so... You legit... I'm not a redneck. You're not a redneck. Your first go-to thing to make up was catfish jelly. I didn't say it. I called it... The meatball used to make us was catfish jelly. I didn't say it. I called it.

So Meemaw used to make us when we suffered. Actually, guys, I was lying again. It is a real thing. Everybody get a little high. AIM is for catfish jelly bathtub. Is it? I don't know. Oh, my God.

I'm going to kill myself. Jordan, you know what? You should wear more green. That's a nice color on you. You shouldn't keep my eyes for green. Yeah. Well, you want to see me paw some dick? I was kidding.

The head is ridiculous. Damn it. I love this. This is a good time. Are you looking up catfish jelly? Don't show me tub girl. Oh, damn it. Don't show me tub girl.

What's tub girl? That one. Tub girl. Do you know what tub girl is? An image that if you search tub girl. You weren't on the internet in the early 2000s. All you have to do is search tub girl and you'll see it. Tub girl is a Japanese girl bent over again in a bathtub with her knees on her shoulders

just shooting a stream of diarrhea into her own face. You've never seen Tub Girl? You know, Tub Girl. Yeah. She's on all fours on the tub. No, no, no. On her back. Her ass is over her head. Hold on, let me. Go for it. Like, say it like

quieter and softer. So, her hands are on the edge of the tub. Let me say it in a way you can notice it. So her hands are on the edge of the tub. Let me say it in a way you can notice it. So this woman is... Yeah, touch the wall. Stop acting like I'm in fucking gummo. This woman is on her back.

That's good. In a bathtub. Yeah, yeah. And she's got her knees to her shoulders. Yeah, that's good. And she's got her knees to her shoulders. And she's shooting. I mean, this is a stream of diarrhea out of her asshole. Yeah, yeah. You guys are on to her face.

Northeast coastal media elite fucks. That's what you sound like. That's not what I sound like. I mean, it is a stream sound like I mean it is a stream It is a stream people If you think that's funny check out my special The blue eyed Mexican It's a terribly inaccurate representation

Of me I'm an Adonis and a southern gentleman Oh that was exactly I couldn't sleep the other night because of a thing called Tub Girl. Oh, oh, oh. I need nine cans of soup

before I get up in the morning. Nine cans of soup! Oh, I'm a soup man! I'm a Georgian. Sometimes I'm a baby, but then I'm a Jordan sometimes I'm a baby but then I'm a big woman why are you making fun of her when I'm the one that's making fun of you she's encouraging it

fuck both of you and your master blaster energy I'm the strong one and I'm the smart one both of you are mental pawns. And Jordan's over here. We are mental pawns. I don't know, fucking fixing toilets and truck stops or whatever she does with her energy. And that braid makes you look like a fucking moron. What makes me?

You said you liked my braid. I like the braid. Be careful. The braid is nice. I get defensive too. Yeah, and you better fucking take a step back when you talk shit to Daddy, all right? Who is Daddy? Ian can only take a step back.

Who is Daddy now? I don't know either. I'm Daddy. He's a good girl. Yeah, you're talking to the wrong good girl. You're about to make this good girl bad. It's crazy that I have a ticking clock in my head when somebody's roasting me before you lose your mind. Somebody can roast you for 45 minutes, but I'm like, you better be careful.

I turn to you and you go, you better watch your mouth. When you talk to daddy. I'm trying This is what I want to look like at all times Fisher woman who has to go be a representative To avoid a pipeline being put in the ocean So the fish die Like I show up and I'm like hello

I am here representing the trout I want to represent the trout I represent the trout. You want to be like a... I want to represent the trout. You want to... I represent the trout. The chicken won't come to my mouth and I represent the trout. I represent the trout. She pawed it.

She pawed it. I grabbed the chicken. She pawed it. She pawed it. She said, I didn't fucking say I like that. She pawed it. I grabbed the chicken. She pawed it. Ian, she pawed it. He said, I didn't fucking say I like that. Ian, she pawed it. She pawed it, Ian. Oh, come on.

Ian, get it. Run on down to the river and fetch Pappy a fresh bucket of water. Get it. Get it. She pawed it and gunned down, took it to the creek. I've just never heard something so acutely describe everything who I am in one sentence. Ian, she pawed it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What's your craziest sexual experience? I think it might be this. I think it might be. Oh, God. I'm sleepy. I think it was a woman. I don't know.

I'm going to try and think of mine. Your craziest sexual experience? One time I had sex in an attic of a restaurant, and then I stole a bunch of art from the restaurant, put it into a handicapped van, and toted it back to my apartment. I mean, that is the behavior of a schizophrenic person. Also, a handicapped van? That is a complete

schizoid freakout of just a naked woman being like, put it in here and then put the paintings in here. And then I take it and I put it in there. I got fucked and now I need to steal this holographic photo of Niagara Falls. Jesus Christ. Just slinking around like the mom in Barbarian.

Don't do it. It really scares me when you do it. Do it. It's really scary. He's very good at the voice. Don't please. It actually makes my body get scared. Is that it? Am I doing it? Do it. I didn't see Barbarian yet.

Don't see it. I'm scared. Stop. Stop. Stop. Why are you getting horny? Jesus, Shane. The power of Christ compels you. To get fucked.

All right, so tell us about your special. I would love to. Where'd you film it? We did it at the Salton Room in Brooklyn I love that room I love your show there The Salton Room I thought you said the Salt Room

Is this a new venue? Salt Room's great Yeah, it's a good spot We did it Bert Kreischer and Leanne Kreischer produced it Amazing Is she the one that introduces you? Yeah

That's nice Yeah, it's really cool She did a great Yeah. Is she the one that introduces you? Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, it's really cool. She did a great job. How did she do it? God mic? No, through song. Really? And dance.

Shut up. Is this one of your little jellyfish jokes? What did I call it again? Catfish jelly. Jelly catfishing or something? Catfish jelly. Yeah. One time Harry saw a sign in the grocery store that said,

Jelly, baby needs. And then it said jelly again Who's Harry? She don't use jelly as a grape flaming lip song She uses Vaseline She uses Vans That is a good tune

It's a great tune We shot it at the Sultan Room in Brooklyn It came out this past Sunday Who shot it? Jordan Levy It was the DP and Jeff Tomczyk They both do a bunch of specials, but like we shot it there through Bert's production company.

What was your backdrop? It was my backdrop. Excuse me. It was a, it was a. Talk over the solo. I don't know what happens. It's really hard to stay focused in here,

isn't it? No, it's fine. If you try. What are you... I was playing a solo. It sounded good. It sounded great.

The backdrop was like... We did like an LED lighting thing. Really? Yeah, yeah. LED is in like sparkly? Kind of, but not like... They weren't like twinkling or anything. They were just...

It was like pretty clean lighting. Clean lighting? Yeah. What was it? I don't know exactly. It's the backdrop of that venue, but we, we did different lighting. Yeah. Yeah.

It was nice. It was real nice. Really? Yeah. I think it looks good. We're doing, yeah, it's different. It looks like, I mean, the Sultan room, like you guys have been there, but your blister probably is.

It had like a seventies vibe to it as well. Yeah. But it's like indie rock club kind of thing. Why is this the way you're sitting now? The amount of upper thigh that is facing me from the wrong leg is bananas. Because this is comforting to me. He's pulling his penis through his legs. My penis is sticking out the backside of my body.

So it's like when my uncle would be like driving and he'd be like, ah, we missed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. I'll sit normal. Get that fucking hog out of here. You don't have to call it normal, but we do want you to sit masculine.

All right, man. Come on. No. You're in the salt room, huh? Here's my question. Was there lots of pussy? And I'm asking for a friend. After you finished recording,

did you immediately start beating the shit out of yourself because you didn't include certain jokes that you wish you had? No, I pretty much nailed them. I mean, I did mine through a reputable company and yes. Excuse you.

You're about to get some catfish jelly coming out that big old nose. What if I say I did mine through a reputable company? Do you automatically assume it's a dig of some guy? Zai. Put together a ragtag crew of the greatest people I could ever ask for. I didn't know what you do. I didn't know how you did

your special. Paid for it out of pocket. Atta boy. I made a bet on myself. I know. People say that. That's every agent I've ever had. And then it's like, I'm ready to bet on myself. I know. People say that. You have to bet on yourself. That's every agent I've ever had to bet on.

Yeah. And then it's like, well, what are you doing? Yeah. How about you bet on me, bitch? You're the one living in a million dollar home. My friend Deanna, I saw her this weekend. She's a musician. And she called her label. And they're like, we need you to start thinking of an idea for your next video.

And she goes, okay. And she calls. She goes, I have an idea. And they go, okay goes okay and she calls you i have an idea and they go okay is it really cool that's what they said oh my god yeah like before they even heard the idea they go is it real it's like no it's a really bad idea and i know we should waste a little bit of money like yeah and she's doing great like she like she is killing it like she's getting better and better booking She's getting added To huge tours

And like they just said Is it a good idea Is it good though Will I like it Fucking It's awful Take any kind of interest In anything

Yeah yeah yeah Fucking Also this happened I was at you know Permanent Records Have you ever been there Yeah yeah LA

Yeah I was doing They do Hot Tub there now That show This kid walks up to me He goes I'm a huge fan And I was like Oh it's nice to now that's how this kid walks up to me he goes I'm a huge fan and I was like oh it's nice to meet you he goes I'm actually he was at the he works at the agency I'm with and then I go oh that's great man so you know and he goes yeah yeah he goes I read your book and I go you read my book and he goes yeah I loved it and I was like

what was your favorite part and then he goes uh, oh, I just like the way you built the character up. And I had read the book he was talking about. He thought you were Sam Talon. He did think I was Sam Talon. Amazing. And I go, that's Sam Talon's book. Where's his book? We usually have his book here.

It's up there on top of the records. On top of the records. Ah. Yes. And it is a good book it is a good book but i also you're not him and i do not look like him yeah that's crazy yeah he goes you're not sam talent and i go no i'm ashamed i'm shane torres you're a huge fan yeah yeah yeah uh and he, I just embarrassed myself.

And I go, OK. And then he didn't even apologize. He just walked away. Oh, my God. Yeah. He must have been freaking out. I had a girl come up to me at a show and she was like, and I was like, are you OK? And she's like, I need a second.

And I was like, that's OK. And she was like, yeah, you're just telling me to go away. And I was like, no, you're having a panic attack. And I'm giving you my. Also, you said that's OK. It was crazy. Yeah. Crazy. People are like, yeah, you're just telling me to go away. And I was like, no, you're having a panic attack and I'm giving you my way. Also, you said, that's okay. It was crazy. Yeah. People are like, but this kid,

and he was doing it in front. Do you know Lou Madrino? He does Garage Land. It's like, you would like their shit. He does a bunch of poster art and stuff. Oh, yeah. It's like up your alley. Jordan, you would hate it.

Because it's stupid and gay. What? What is it? It's stupid and gay. What I said? Well, whatever is up his alley is stupid and gay. Your alley is fucking dumb. Hey.

We like cool stuff. This daddy thing is incredible. His little girl eyes look at me. I will be good. I'm just showing off for my friend. I'm Joey Daddy. I'll fucking. I'm Joey Daddy.

Oh my God. All right. I'll fucking switch it back. Now I'm fucking daddy. You're not daddy. You are daddy. Yeah, I am fucking daddy. You're not daddy. Yeah, I am fucking daddy.

You be daddy. Now show her, daddy. Yeah. Show her slow and hard. You little fucking bitch. Exactly. You have a bat. Yeah.

Yeah, you can have a bat and a bullet. It ain't going to do nothing to stop me. You need a gun. That's why I didn't go stop. No, you throw the bullets up. This is a motley crew. This is a podcast. People enjoy it. I'm having a good time.

Better than RU Gar garbage, isn't it? Don't do that. You know, I've just seen a lot of people be like, you should have Jordan on and they just ignore it. They hate me for some reason. Listen, I would be great on it. Why? Because you can't tell if I'm garbage or not. I'm wearing a fisherman's sweater.

Can't tell. With a little hat. You can sniff you from a mile away. You said I smelled good. Don't fart while you say that Jordan sometimes people are nice And they don't want to hurt your feelings So they don't tell you that you don't smell

You would think Did you fart? You would think she's a real stinker But she's not You do smell nice I do stink People I've dated have been like, I hate you and I hate the way that you smell. You just love me, so you like the way I smell.

Get in there. Oh, it's bad. Are you ripe? Oh, this is kind of bad. It's always ripe down here. No. That's not bad. Let me smell. You guys are like the rugrats, kind of. Like a little bit.

It doesn't have much of an odor, but it sure is liquid. More of like a, you know the smell of like a fresh dew? It's like that, but opposite. There's a faucet in your pits. You got to call a plumber. in your pits. You gotta call a plumber. You guys, your comments are like they feel like

a far right wing Reddit thread or something. Let me explain how insane people get when you like the further down you go on a thread of like, we're talking about the Middle East today and then all of a sudden you're like, the chicken won't come to my mouth.

There's a faucet in your arm. I represent the trout. Yes, exactly. It started here and then in three steps, you know, yeah, it's like. Started from the bottom, now we're sick. She pawed it, Ian. She pawed it. Ian, she pawed it, Ian. She pawed it.

Ian, she pawed it. Do you have siblings? Yes, I have two. Really? Sisters. Brothers. Really? Do you feel...

Why do you... Oh, hold on. Because people who are nice have sisters. You're so surprised. Because people who are nice and sweetie pies have sisters. What's going on? But I'm not a nice... I'm so surprised. Because people who are nice and sweetie pies have sisters. What's going on? But I'm not a nice. I'm dangerous.

Sometimes I sit with my legs like this. I'm a nice sweetie pie. Yeah. Yeah. Which usually means sisters. You notice that? You have sisters? What do you have?

I have an older sister. I don't have sisters, but I was raised by women. I was raised by my ma. Yeah. I was raised by my mom and grandma. You have two brothers I don't have sisters, but I was raised by women. I was raised by my ma. I was raised by my mom and grandma. You have two brothers? Younger? And grandpa. I'm middle. God, I love him.

Do you think so? I miss him, too. Yes, because if you're the middle, then you didn't get to be the boss and you didn't get to be a baby. But I'm dangerous. 20 years. I'm dangerous. Look at me. What are you saying

over there? Trying to figure out how many years it's been since my grandfather died. Why are you doing that right now? I'll take the straight thing off. I went to a place. 20 years. 20 years since I've seen Peppy. Old man

thinking about an old man. He was old. Pawpaws go switch to the sky. We don't need to do this, Math. He's dead. No, 2000. Everyone here's got dead people, right? Yeah.

Dead dad. Yeah. Dead dad and mom. 2004. Okay. 20 years. This year year coming year pretty close for me

for my grandpa too all my grandparents are dead all my grandparents are dead I don't care about their existence all my grandparents are dead yeah that's what happens that's what your church should say

you're in your 30s. It's fine. My grandparents are dead. My grandparents died. I've had audience members be like, I'm just really upset. My grandfather died and they're like 45. I'm like, this is insane. Grow up!

It's still like... That's what they're made to do. Do you think it's better to lose them and not have them as long in some sense because the pain may be less? Because you're not as close? Does that make sense? I think it's good. I think they introduce you to death. I think everyone should have a father die when they're eight because it makes

them a better person later. How's your soup? No, wait. Let's be serious about your thing I think with grandparents Like, you know I think like You have them when you're young and that's sad when they die

If you're like in middle school, right? Or something like thereabouts I disagree because you haven't developed a relationship With them long enough That's what I'm saying So is the death easier in some sense Because you did not develop the relationship with them? I think the harder death is, the better it is.

Does that make sense? Am I explaining that correctly? Fairly, yes. And what'd you say? I think having a relationship with somebody who dies is better than having an eh relationship with somebody who dies because introducing death is a good thing. I think it's important for

children to learn to love somebody and have them be gone. Who was the first person that, and how old were you when you were introduced to death? Oh, did I remember? Uncle Dickie, six years old. Yeah? Mom or dad side? Dad side.

For me, I think I was, during the war. Took the beach. Pop pop. Seven. Dad's side. Wow, everybody buffered you for your dad died. Dad.

Aunt. Day before dad died. Dad's side. Dad. Dad. Dad's side. I feel like I'm going to become a football player. Dad died. Dad died. People were always just dropping their footballs. I feel like I'm giving out football players. Dad! Dad died. Mine was my grandparents.

Then dad. Then best friend. Funeral! Funeral! Uncle Dickie! Omaha! Omaha! Omaha! Ethan, have you lost somebody? You're four years old. Yeah, Ethan. Yeah. I mean, I still have my grandparents,

but like my first experience with like a close death was when I was 24. I mean, I was really late. Oh, that's so late. Yeah, it was my best friend.

Your best friend died? My best friend died. He committed suicide. Oh, God. That's so brutal, man. I'm trying to bring the vibe down. How have we not known this about you? I knew that he was a little secret snake.

I knew that. You called him a snake? Yeah, why is he a secret snake for not sharing his secret? Just like in a hot Pete Davidson way. You don't really ask me questions. I ask you about your girlfriend that you're dating. This is like that scene in Goodfellas where he goes, why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy?

You're a spider, And then Jordan shoots you Jordan just had a stray bit of chicken land on her sweater Stop stop you have a thing to spit in Just use that Your sweater's ruined we can admit it Now spit it back in. Oh, it's in your hair. Stop, man.

Stop, stop, stop. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. It's not a fun thing anymore. All right. Ian, put her in a headlock now. Now's your time to strike. It's okay.

You're really sick. In the head. Don't get your hat. Your hats look like Christmas next to one another. You just got chicken drool on my jeans, man. I just watched these. I mean, it's happening, so I can't stop it. But this is just like

you guys are fun. But my mom says I can't come to this house anymore. I'm really sorry, Ian. Also, your dad always goes by when mine's at work. Ian. Dude. Ian. What?

Did you ruin my jeans? Ian. What? The cayenne came out of my nose and it's really hurting you people pay money every month you said you said your sweater is ruined we can admit it your sweater is ruined your sweater is ruined We can admit it. Your sweater is ruined. Your sweater is ruined. We can admit it.

As if somebody was being like, no, it's not. Breathe. Dude, the whole thesis of the pod yesterday was Ian, do not get me sick. And now today it is coffee coffee spit time I mean well how are you man it's nice to see you

I feel like we always see each other in passing these days it's chicken on my hand from someone else's mouth like this is like beyond jokes this is This is like beyond jokes. This is like what would happen at a daycare if all the people just left. You look cute.

That was so painful. This is more slime from your face. Listen to me. I know that that was disgusting. I i totally hear you but i need to tell you something i'm not somebody who ever squirt milk out of their nose that was a really new experience for me and it really hurt it felt really bad you're a good girl You make Daddy really proud There's like an insane moment Of sincerity between you two Like every six minutes In between like queef jokes

And like horrible Racist impressions I had a really Scary moment and it was a new experience for me and I love it. I know it's disgusting, but I need you to hear me right now. And then it was like, oh! Let's just go back. The impression wasn't horrible.

The impression was great. I mean horrible. If you think that one's too impressive. Startlingly accurate. Oh my god. It's still slimy. I'm really sorry. I just blew my nose in that though Man Alright, where can we see your special?

I did my best It's available on Burt Crusher's YouTube channel as well as my own YouTube channel I'm Shane Torres I came on here to promote the show You gotta admit, this has been fun It's always, you guys are always fun. Yeah. We had such a good time in Vegas.

Ping, pang, pong. Ping, pang, pong. Is the name of our restaurant? Is the name of our restaurant? You know, I have the chopsticks from the ping, pang, pong. Chopsticks leave tattooed on me. Really? Yeah.

That's great, man. Yeah. I feel like I can breathe out of my nose for the first time. Do you remember when we were working with Mark that weekend And he was having a hard time Like his daughter went off to school It was so funny Cause he's always doing bits

He couldn't stop She's going off to school having a really hard time I'm really gonna miss her or am I Or am I What do I tell my kids I'm like okay guys They're suicidal and homicidal You only take one out. It was crazy.

It was crazy. Go to ping-pang-pong. Mark's the best. I would love to have him on this podcast. I love him. I do not know what would happen. Wait, we will record when we're in Vegas with him. I am so sorry for everything that happened earlier with the soup.

I don't think you are. I don't know how it came back up. Oh, I spilled on myself. And then he said, and then he said, your shirt's ruined. I think it's a nice sweater. Thank you. I have them in every color. They're from LA apparel.

Oh God, it's all over me. I don't think. Oh, I don't think it's so nice that you need it in every color. Looks like that's another thing we need to stomp. Oh, but you know what? Guess what? This shirt, this sweater, you can flip it around and it's the same. It doesn't have a tag, so you just turn it around.

No, no. Yeah. Flip it around. Go flip it around. No, no, no. You gotta go to your house and stomp it in your sink. Or do your little frontier washing machine. Italian grape lady move. Grape lady. Take your big ass feet.

Your bottom paws, as I call them. Are you saying hi to the rat and forgot completely about the bed? Whoa, did you? That actually works. Let me see. How does that happen? It's just the type of sweater. How is there already a stain on that?

Fuck. Is there? No. Oh, no, it's a shadow. Is that a shadow? It might be a stain. God damn it. Well, it has been flipped many times.

Dude, that is a great piece of clothing. A flip shirt. Dude, the amount of times I've used it, spilled it down, flipped it so many times. So really, you got like five of these, but really you have like 10 options. Yes, totally. That's why I keep buying them,

because they're flip shirts. Hold on. Shane, you're from the South. Play this. We need you to sing some blues for us. There's no way I'm putting my mouth on anything that's in this room. Even my pip-pip?

I knew that was... I was waiting for which one he was going to get it out first. Even my pip-pip? All right, ready, Shane? Sing us some blues. Well, I got a woman. Are you playing the harmonica? How do you do it?

I don't know That's pretty good man I'm so sad Jordan has soup All over her sweater But it's on the back Which is a little bit better. How about the sweater?

Oh, we're going to go outside. There's going to be no sun and it's going to make us feel really bad. Please watch my special. On YouTube. It's called the Blue Eyed Mexican. Is it really? You dumb fucking rubes. Yes, that's.

No, I gave it a fake title. What are you, an idiot? It didn't rhyme, so I was thinking. It's called The Blue Eyed Mexican. Yes. Now it's your turn again to sing for Jordan and Ian. Her name is Jordan. She stomps on her clothes.

His name is Shane. He's really fucking old. He's obsessed with his toes. This special is called Blue Eye Mexican He tells them jokes The best he can Okay, that felt condescending He kinda was

I'm not worried about the quality of my art Your watch is the wrong time Jesus Christ No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Oh, yeah. Quarter to five. Is it really?

And I wish you weren't alive. That is a joke. Ian's got nice athletic thighs. I apologize. This is bad. I'll never be mean to dad. Yeah. I cleaned it.

Man. I gotta tell you, I feel all sorts of weird now that Kai ends up in my brain. Was that bad, Ethan? It was good. Are you being nice? Ian, do you not really fuck with that thing or do you just have it here? I think it's pretty good for somebody not ever

Really? I really want to learn how to play the harmonica And you had a lot of distractions That'd be really cool to play like John Lee Popper John Popper I have his harmonica I have one of them, yeah, my brother

I guess he throws them out at the end of shows And my brother went to to something he was at. Got it. What do your brothers do? Ignore Shane. Kind of. Why not going home for Christmas? Are you not? You're staying?

What are you going to do? I don't know yet. Want to have a pal Christmas? I'm busy. What? I don't work on holidays. Ian's coming to the Dominican Republic with me for New Year's. With me and my entire family. That was a manic decision. That we are happy about.

I, what? I bought insurance. I'm sorry. I we are happy about. What? I bought insurance. I'm sorry. I can cancel the flight. You're going to the Dominican Republic together. With my three moms and my sister and my niece. And why are you going to the Dominican Republic? Because me and my sister went through some hardships with men recently,

and we need to get some sunlight. She got her head smashed, and I got emotionally smashed. And now you have a new boyfriend. No. You said Henry was a boyfriend earlier? What? Ian's coming. I'm coming. No. Harry's my best friend. Oh, best friend. I thought you said boyfriend. I'm sorry. No, God.

I saw, yeah. No. You got emotionally smashed and she got her head smashed. And she got her head smashed. But no one got smash smashed. Well, we both are getting smashed. And she got her head smashed. And she got her head smashed. But no one got smash smashed. Well, we both are getting smashed. You are drunk on dick. Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, my sister's got dick

down and fell into a wall. That's what happened. She's like, that dick was so good. Oh! Well, that'll be fun that you get to go together. Yeah. You don't look cool on a beach in DR. You know, it'd be nice. I'll bring my go together. Yeah. You don't look cool on a beach in DR. It would be nice. I'll bring my harmonica.

Yeah. Better not bring that fucking thing. Bring it in. Bring it. I'm going to learn Spanish and the harmonica by the time I go. Babble.com slash ska. 50. Promo code.

Hey. 50? 50% off. It's not Really? It is Yeah Wow

Cool We should download that new ska I think you could I think that would be fun If you brought it into restaurants And maybe churches Historical buildings When you're in

This? Yes Oh and I could play like a A marachi band A mariachi band Marachi I don't even understand where the Dominican Republic is. It's next to Haiti.

What? Yeah. Stop acting like you know where Haiti is. Me? No, her. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because she goes, I don't understand where the Dominican Republic is. And she's like, and then you said it's next to Haiti.

She'll be like, oh, yeah, of course. Is it Caribbean? Is it Caribbean? Is it Caribbean? That's Jordan. It is? The Dominican Republic? How similar to it is Puerto Rico? That's a thing you don't say. That's a thing.

One of the few lessons I have learned living in New York is you do not call a Dominican a Puerto Rican. Because they will let you know. And they look alike. You do not mix Puerto Ricans and Dominicans and Dominicans and blacks.

Ian. Sorry. Dominicans. What? None of them do. What kind of stereotype is that? It's a Dominican guy. None. Puerto Rican guy. Classic. I like that you said classic. Yeah. It's like an old kind of Bing Crosby bit. And the Irish need not apply.

Yeah. Wait, that is such a stereotype that I'm not even familiar with. I understand that it's a stereotype, but which one is it? It's not. There's no stereotype that one group of people... Also, there's a... The stereotype of guys that beat their wives is cops. Oh, here we go.

All right, woke little princess named Debra. It's a strange Debbie. Yeah, no. Cops beat their wives. Dominicans get haircuts once a week. I got chicken in my nose. Jordan's got chicken in his nose. Oh, I go to a Dominican barber

when I get my haircut because he's just close. High and tight. Well, I just get... But I went in... I got to tell you this. I went in... You said it. And I go, where's your bathroom? He goes, I don't know. He got to tell you this. I went in. You said it. And I go, where's your bathroom?

He points to a door. And I walk into the door. And I was just in these Dominican people's house. Whoa. Like I was just in there. That's happening to me when I'm under a psychic. And just having a dinner. And I go.

And then I just shut the door. And I'm back in a barber shop. And the guy goes. Can you zoom in on his face when he does that? I was horrified. Because there was this old man. And a wife beater. He's called an abuelo. What?

That means grandfather. Yes, I know. But I don't know if he was a grandfather. He was an old man, though. Yeah. And they are virile. Really? Oh, yeah.

To make a jerk off a ceiling fan, get the whole room burning. Tell you what, man. Why do you know that? Because I know a lot. Played on like a little, but I know a lot. They're spicy, you know? Like a Latin lover is like a spicy. And spicy is canate.

That's a good stereotype. Okay. They're spicy. They be saying what? What else is like a spicy. Oh. That's a good stereotype. Okay. They're spicy. They beat their lovers. What else? Italians are handsy. Good at baseball? Yeah.

Dominicans are great at baseball. Okay. Here we're getting closer. It's a huge sport, yeah. Okay. That is like the way out in Dominican. I'm sorry. The chicken.

I don't. No. You asked to come on I did and I appreciate you having me I don't know it's so funny I don't know I'm just hitting the Ghostbuster pack tapping away

that's nice I really like the aesthetic in here thank you Ian papered it We papered it together when he got Broken up with in a manic frenzy And it worked out Yeah, when Olivia left, I built this

I'm glad to see you put the energy Somewhere Oh yeah, she was there too When? Oh yeah, in Vegas So was my boyfriend I didn't know if you were, like, liked hearing about it or I don't know where you're at with that. Oh, it's fine.

Yeah, that's why I was saying it in the way of, like, oh, I don't want to upset you. Dude, Olivia and Jack should date. Because I quite like her as a person. Wow. Yeah, no. Remember how Jack went? I will always love her.

Yeah, that'd be a great thing for you two if those two date. That would be hot. I would watch them bed. I would send you two through the fucking, not in a jealousy way, but you'd be like great thing for you two If those two dated That would be hot I would send you two Through the fucking Not in a jealousy way But you'd be like What did they see

You think it was going on the whole time Jordan There's all this chicken on my feet Please come rub it off Well the way The way I stepped a jack over you Could you imagine That was great

That was awesome Yeah And I was alone Some daddy shit Actually no I was dating That's what a dad does Dating someone Protects his girl Yeah And I was alone. Some daddy shit. Actually, no, I was dating. That's what a dad does.

Dating someone. Protects his girl. Yeah. That's what a dad does. Protects his girl. Why are you holding your arms like an Irish bartender? Come on. Oh, yeah, I wasn't alone.

I was fighting all the time then, too. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I was in a wonderfully happy relationship. You were thrilled. I was so in love. Then we went to that diner. He had blueberry pie. Yeah, that's right. Oh my god, and me and Shane had to tell Ian off

one night because you were trying to get us to go to Denny's and we both had to be like, we are setting a boundary. Leave us alone. You were like, boots over my hammy! You yelled that at me. Might have been a little manic. Matter of fact, I don't know what you're talking about right now. I think I was such a maniac. You don't remember begging

us to go at the middle of the night and us being like, we want to go to bed. We're like, we're tired. Just come on! It was before Olivia got there, I think. And you were like bouncing off the walls. I know. Well, she was stuck in an airport for like 24 hours. I remember that. Yeah. Went to the pool. All of it was fun. I know. Well, she was stuck in an airport for like 24 hours. I remember that. Yeah.

Yeah. Went to the pool. All of it was fun. I know, man. I know. I can't wait to go back. It'll be really nice.

I'm hoping everything is open in March. And from what I've heard, they've redone a lot of the rooms. Is that when you guys are going? So a lot of the rooms are really nice now at the Rio. At the Rio. But the last time I went in September, I, the day I showed up, the day before they

shut the pool down, shut everything down. They did. They shut it. They shut it. They shut it. But I'm hoping it'll all be open. I think it'll be really fun. It'll be a good time.

Did you used to have a stutter? Yeah, I used to have a stutter yeah i used to have a speech impediment how'd you know stutter not a stutter but i'd elongate my words yeah and talk really slow yeah how'd you know i can just tell by the shape of your cranium how'd you of course you'd be into skull measuring what is it called phrenology is that what that that was like they were examining skulls that's phrenology yes it's the name of a roots album whoa cool hmm no phrenology you google phrenology i don't want to get on my phone because then i'll never leave it oh oh i'm done oh no i'm no phrenology is like a liar's...

I don't even get reception down here, but yeah. The detailed study of the shape and size of the cranium as a supposed indication of character and mental ability. Yeah, but it's not real. It's like a bullshit science. That's what in... Kind of like the vaccine. In Django.

Unchained, you know when he's looking at the skull and he's showing... I've vaccine In Django You know when he's like looking at the skull And he's like showing I've never seen Django You haven't seen it? I've only seen like two Tarantino movies Really? This basement would scream otherwise That's true I really want to see

Oh we're doing the Movie tonight? Tuesday That's true. I really want to see. Oh, we're doing the movie tonight. Tuesday. No, Tuesday. Are you guys doing a watch along or something like that? Yeah. Oh, that's great. What are you going to do?

Nice. Yeah. So fun. Home Alone 1. Yeah. Home Alone 1. She's seen Home Alone 2. Never seen Home Alone 1.

That's wild. So hard. Yeah. Why? Home Alone 2 is the better one with Joe Pesci. Because it's like. Is Joe Pesci in both? It's like. It's like. Yes, Joe Pesci's so hard. Yeah. Why? Home Alone 2 is the better one with Joe Pesci. Because it's like. Is Joe Pesci in both? It's like.

It's like. Yes, Joe Pesci's in both. Oh, I got to see it. It's like getting first Holy Communion and not having the wine. You're getting less and less rings as the day go on. That's a good way to. You're right. I don't know where this one is.

I do know. You seem more hinged with less rings. One. And then this ring I put on my back pocket because I was stage diving at Angel Dust and I didn't want to lose it. You didn't stage dive. I was there. In Philly.

Oh. I went on tour with them. I went down to Virginia, hopped on the bus, and... How'd you get to Virginia? Flew. You flew to... Flew to Virginia, hopped on the bus and i did you get to virginia flew you flew oh yeah flew to virginia hopped on the bus and just hung out went to shows in virginia philly and brooklyn it was so fun that's the fucking that's dude it was the best i said yeah did you sell merch or just hang i just hung out

i mean i helped load in lowdown stuff but i just hung out and it was great i did that with jawbreaker yeah i did you do shows i did shows i didn't do shows i did sets i just like hung out and it was great. I did that with Jawbreaker. Yeah. Did you do shows? I did shows. I didn't do shows. I did sets. I just like hung out and it was great. Yeah. It's really,

really fun. Both experiences are fun. It would be nice to not have to perform and just dance your ass off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But performing was like also very cool too.

It's nice to see the people that like your shit, like the things you like. That's one of the best. Yeah. That's the best. Yeah. You're like, yeah. Like if you're out of something and you're not performing and people are like, aren't you? And you're like, yeah. They're shit like the things you like. That's one of the best things. That's the best. Yeah. Like if you're at something

and you're not performing and people are like, aren't you? And you're like, yeah. They're like, oh, you're like, okay, I'm hitting the people I want to hit. Dude, I saw people in my merch at some of these shows. It was crazy. That's the best. That's a cool feeling, yeah. It was really, really cool and like stage diving

and then like moshing and having guys be like, oh, and like hugging each other and like singinghing and having guys be like oh and like hugging each other like singing along it was really really it's the best yeah like it was fun but i love going to like um shows again because i came up going to shows all the time and i just stopped well like we all become so obsessive with comedy too that you like why would i go to a show when i can go do this yeah paid open mic whatever. We all went to Turnstile and showed up at the cellar the next day fucked up. That's right. Yeah.

I was sober. Are you still sober? No. But I'm not. I mean like that was like maybe the only hardcore show or anything I've ever been to like that where I didn't have a drink. Oh, that's great. And we also almost didn't get into the show. Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that. And then I think we went to the diner and went to game shit.

I was laughing so hard with Johnny. And then I remember you texted the woman who sold you the fake tickets. I got in anyways. You got Fidea. Yeah, yeah. You got Fidea, you dumb bitch. Like this lady is sitting around hoping for it. I was laughing very hard with John Kennedy.

Shout out, great comedian, little boy. About you, about us being at the diner and me and Olivia being like, laughing very hard with John Kennedy shout out great comedian the little boy um about you about us being at the diner and me and Olivia being like there's a disgusting disgusting smell and you being like I can't smell anything I don't smell anything at all and it was like and then we look next to you and there's like a foul mop bucket and we're like it's awful and you're just chowing down on like cottage cheese and fruit and then she like broke up with you the next day it was like it was like a few days later and I remember you go, you saw

you walked up to me at the store and you're like, hey man, how are you? You go, Olivia has left the building. And then you just kept walking. You're like, I gotta bring up Silvans or whatever. All right, let's plug it up Yeah

Jane To tell you Thank you guys for squeezing me It was really fun Dude I know I love you guys And we're friends But I do appreciate you having me

Yeah of course man This is so fun Yeah That's so nice to hear Thank you for sharing Yeah I appreciate it We love you Yeah I love you guys

This was so fun It was a good time Sorry about the chicken It was Do you want me to play you No A plug song No he's plugging

Alright fair I like how you guys are like No It was a good time. Sorry about the chicken. It was. Do you want me to play you a plug song? No, he's plugging. All right, fair. I like how you guys are like, no. The no's between like, no, don't really do this with you guys, the tone, and like, no. Like, no, don't do it. No. I know. I watched it off because Daddy's good. I should have taken my opportunity to plug one.

We're already off the rails. Plug it, boy! Plug! It's called The Blue Eyed Mexican. It's on YouTube. It's on my channel as well as Burt Kreischer's channel. It would mean a lot to me if you checked it out. Share it.

Like it. I think I made a really good thing. And I hope you guys enjoy it. And it's Shane Torres across all the social media platforms. And I have a podcast with Kyle Kinane called No Accounting for Taste. Great pod. It's not like this podcast, but can ain't called no accounting for taste. So, uh, not,

it's not like this podcast, but I think it's of a similar tone. So maybe you guys might like it. Yeah. You will like it. You would also, I'm single. Ianfinance.com for all my dates.

Uh, I'm coming to Philadelphia, Calgary, Tampa with Jordan. Uh, we're doing Libyanian in Nashville, Zany,, Chicago, Zanies, Rosemont, Zanies. I'm coming to Seattle, Portland, West Coast. I just lost my train of thought.

Ianfinance.com, iAnimal69, Twitter, Twitch, and Instagram, Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. We got a ton of cool stuff for you guys. Okay, Madison, Wisconsin. Jordan will be at Bozeman, Montana, San Diego, California,

Sunnyvale, Nashville, Chicago, Rosemont. Me and Ian will be doing it. I'll be headlining Arlington, uh, Austin,

Texas, Sacramento, Boston, Massachusetts, Appleton, Wisconsin. Go to punch up.com. Jordan,

Jordan, punch up live.com. For my information. That's punch up live.com. Bye information. That's punchuplive.com. Bye. We love you. Bye.