Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 077: I'm Baby W/ Todd Barry

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian Life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan Welcome to Beanie and Maggie

Jordan Another episode, another fun time Patreon.com slash beanie and pod Extra episodes, fun stuff Did we drop? It's holidays Yeah Oh, thank God. Please don't drop. Please don't drop. Join.

We put horsey stuff on there too if you haven't seen that. That's really good. Adventure stuff. Yep. Adventure stuff and... Oh, we're doing stuff in Florida. Next week. You coming? Tampa. Yes. Guess what? Guess what else is going to happen? People are going to go to IanFidance.com to see me on the

road. Yeah. Guess what else is going to happen? People are going to go to IanFidance.com to see me on the road. Yeah. Guess what else is going to happen? What? The puppy is coming to Florida. I'm getting a puppy and they don't know that I have a chaotic life. And I'm going to bring it in a bag on the plane. And I'm going to forge a thing that says emotional service animal. And I'm going to smuggle it on the plane.

Wow. Yeah. It's a lot, right? It's a lot of work. Oh, yeah. I've got bets on it being a disaster. Yeah. Why are you traveling with it? You want to introduce me first of all? This is Todd Berry. Everybody knows. Everyone fucking knows who I am. If you didn't recognize his voice, you can go fuck yourself. Hey, right. Um, my new special is called domestic short hair. It's on YouTube. All right. Now what were you saying?

Yes. Who shot it? Uh, Lance bangs. Oh, dude, Lance is the best. He directed it.

Oh, that's fun. Hi Lance. And it was produced by all things, comedy, Bill Burr and Al Magicals. Oh, that's great.

Lance watches the show. Hi Lance. Hi Lance Oh, that's great. Lance watches the show. Hi, Lance. Hi, Lance. It's very unlikely that Lance watches the show. He does. Does he really? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Hey, Lance. Good job once again. He did. He told me. Yes. He did my crowd work special also. That's amazing.

Really? That's so cool. Which is on Amazon. Yeah. And Spicy Honey. He didn't do that one, but that one is good. And it's on Netflix. On Netflix, yeah.

Yeah. Why is it called Spicy Honey? Because I was in a grocery store on the road and I saw barbecue sauce that said Spicy Honey flavor and I said, there we go. It's been decided. Uh-huh. That was the easiest. At least I've struggled with the title.

The prophecy has foretold i why domestic short hair um that's in him it's well there's some cat jokes on the thing and you're you know what a domestic short hair is yeah okay yeah i have some cat jokes and i thought it sounded cool and i say the phrase in the special and i have cat jokes oh shit i stole your idea to do cat jokes. Yeah. Do you have one about smashing the cat's face into your face and going, I love you. I love you. I love you.

I know. No, his are very calculated like a cat. Oh, yes. Hey, I have the centerpiece of my set for the taping is a picture of my cat. Oh, man, you stole that from me. Oh, shit. Is it in yours? No, it's not. Oh, thank God.

I just want to pretend that I'm the first person to talk about cats. That was just another classic Todd clip. I want to do an impression of Todd. Oh, shit. Do it. Here we go. Here it comes. And I was in a supermarket and I saw barbecue sauce.

It's not him. God damn it. Eric, can I do an impression of you? I guess so. It's your shitty apartment. This is Todd Berry having sex. Oh, yes. I'm the most famous person inside you right now.

Wow. That's good. That's pretty accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to do an impression of us? I'll do an impression of I probably could, right?

Yeah. Go for it. I'm trying to think of one. I'm hard. Correct. Me too. Can I be mean? Be mean. Yes. Jordan. Hi, everyone. Oh, I started to joke. I meant to do crowd work. All right. Sorry about that.

Yeah, do me. Do me. You literally have a crowd work special. You started this piece. I didn't want to do these impressions. Do it. Do it. Do it. And who asks ahead of time if they can be mean? Only I do. Yeah. And I wouldn't even let me. You on the other hand. Oh, my God. I could really rip into you. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Hey, Dave. I love working with you. That's why I now sound exactly like you. That's pretty good, right? I feel bad about the insults. I feel like I just slammed you guys hard. Now we got to have a whole podcast.

I liked it. It's really nice. I liked it. It's really good. Kind of ripped me apart. Yeah. I should have been careful. You know, I really have reduced the amount of crowd work I've done for a while. I was just choking around. Do you really think that about me?

And for a while, I was just doing crowd work because I really liked doing it. And then it became a thing. So I was like, okay, well, I can use this. I know you're one of the forerunners. Forerunners? Is that the word? I love doing crowd work, and I've been doing it for years, but I never put it on tape

because it's just for me and my crowds. And now I feel like if I put it out, I'm going to look like a fucking follower, and I'm a leader. You know who was the OG? And I don't sound like a tell. Bibbity, bibbity. Sometimes I think I sound like a tell. She was about to give me a compliment, and I'd like to hear it.

You are the OG crowd work. And then the new generation of OG. You make bald people look good. All right, cool. What do you think of that? Oh, sorry. I'm being defensive. Sorry.

You do. You don't sound like a teller. Thank you. A teller's like, ugh. And he goes, ha, ha, ha. That's a teller's thing. I love when he does that. When he's like, and you're all laughing with him.

And you're like, yeah, we got this angry man to laugh. And then he goes, that's the best. You don't do that. I I mean, I definitely if I saw you on stage and then David Teller definitely wouldn't confuse you to Thank you. Did you see the slam that I just didn't get the slam? How do I see the slam now? I see it. You're a little more like that was a good slam, man. That was like I think the best one I was like, this is John Mulaney's voice feeney feeney no oh no it was john marco sounds just like mulaney it was crazy i was in the bathroom and i was like whoa is that true yeah not like it doesn't sound like a ripoff but it sounds like you know i sometimes i hear people and i'm like you kind of sound like louie and i'm like yeah because we all watched one person obsessively.

It's easier when you're a woman because you can just kind of... For years when I started, I sounded like Louis. Clip that. Things are easier for women. A lot of people. In comedy, fuck yeah, dude. You guys are fucked. It's so hard. In life, being a woman sucks dick. In body, sorry.

In life, it's fine. In body, it's a nightmare. And it would stand up as good. Bodily, being a woman is worse. Okay. Yes, of course. Although your balls are hilarious. Sometimes he insists on his balls.

Oh, yeah. You sit on your balls? I do. What do you mean you sit on your balls? I mean, I got some over the boulder shoulder holders with these balls in. There's not a worse design flaw than that. No. Than the fact that you can sit on your own reproductive organs.

Yeah, it hurts. He does it all the time. How big are your balls? I got a fat sack, Todd. You don't sit on your balls? I've seen people sit on their balls a lot. I mean, I... Like, you sit down quick and they hit the...

I'll probably do it by accident. It happens every time. You could do it on purpose. Go ahead. Whoa. It's when you go hard. I don't know no it'll happen sorry

you wanna try I want you to impersonate that asshole man you know you know what I was thinking about in the DR there was my niece was a girl and she was saying really mean things all the time that were just like at one point she said I want to cut you down in your favorite tree and i was like that's like sinister right what does that even mean i know but whatever it is it's not nice and then i was

hanging out with a little boy who would jump into the water and then he would start trying to get out and he would start drowning and he'd go help help help help and i would grab his body and pull him up and then he would just immediately jump in again and start drowning probably liked it because you were touching him no No, he was like losing, and I realized, no, he was literally four. And he would jump in and show me how deep he could go down, come up, realize he couldn't swim, try and climb out,

couldn't do it, and then go, help, help, help, and I'd pull him out. And it happened like 19 times while my niece was like this, watching him, and I realized boys are retarded. But way more fun to have a son than a daughter. Wow. Sorry.

It's a lot to unpack. I don't have it. What does that have to do with a little girl being mean? Well, I was just thinking like the boy was, he was, he was going to kill himself and you had to keep his eye on him. But the woman was,

the girl was just saying sinister, evil things. But the boy was like, I mean, he was just like flopping in the pool. Because when women were made from man, you took the evil bone out of the rib. Whoa. Yeah.

You sound retarded. When you take a man and you bring out a barbecue. Right. I'm just taking this all in. How'd you guys get started as a podcast duo? I did Ian's podcast and then it became my podcast. Oh, your hostile takeover podcast.

Yours. It's not mine. Not even half mine. The third. You guys split the money evenly. I hope. Yes. Okay.

I figured you did. It was Ian's podcast. And then I did one episode and it was so fun that I took over the podcast. And now Ian's on it. Welcome. Oh, wow. I'm you did. It was Ian's podcast. And then I did one episode. And it was so fun that I took over the podcast. And now Ian's on it. Welcome. Oh, wow. I'm just kidding. See, the evil bone.

That's cutthroat, man. The evil bone. It's Ethan's podcast. Fucking evil bone. No, it is true, though. Ian is so smart in some ways and so not in other ways that that was a nice way to say it. That's a nice way to say he's not smart. Right.

We were upstairs in his living room when I was like, don't you have like a whole basement downstairs that you could like make into a podcast studio? And he was like, and then we did it in his living room. Nightmare. Couldn't fit the cameras anywhere. Had to take the door off of his bathroom.

And then this girlfriend broke up with him and I came down here one day and he was manically plastering the walls with this fake wood. And he was like, look, I had this idea to turn it into a podcast studio. And I was like, yeah. And then it became our studio. And I said, would you like to co-host

it with me? And you said yes. Notice? So you'll panel your walls, but you won't clean your toilet. That's interesting. Can you not say that? My mom really got on me about the toilet and I got rid of all the stuff that made the bathroom gross, but the toilet is... Did your mom see your bathroom? Oh, was it stained?

Yo, can I ask you something? No. Yes, it's stained. Okay. You can't get rid of the stain. Okay. How? And it's not... It's like a water stain. It's the same toilet for the past over a decade. Why don't you get yourself a new toilet, Matt? Because I don't own the apartment. Ask your landlord. How do we clean the toilets?

Yeah. What's that? How do we clean them? How do you clean. Because I don't own the apartment. Ask your landlord. How do we clean the toilets? Yeah. What's that? How do we clean them? How do you clean them? You don't know how to clean a toilet? Well, I didn't realize it was permanently stained. It looked like it might have needed a little wanding or whatever. You know what?

No. You know what is the problem? That's the thing. People are confused. Are you ready for this? What I have in my room, twinkle lights. Little twinkle lights over my mirror. You know what I mean?

So you turn the light on, twinkle light turns on. You have overhead. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, x-files. That that's your problem you need softer light in there so you don't notice all the true this is your fucking podcast no i'm just kidding because i always say it's your podcast just let me say it once i'm literally wearing your shirt and your earring, and it's called Be an Ian with Jordan. Just let me say one time to Todd Perry that it's mine. Jordan, thanks for having me on your podcast. You're welcome.

It's really nice to have you here. Thank you. Okay, go ahead, lead. So you've been a comedian for some time. Yeah. Where's... I feel an insincere question about that. How do you feel about the whole crowd work boom,

given that you're the crowd work king? Seriously? Yeah. People should do whatever they want. Thank you. But my problem with crowd work and... Reels. I just feel like, I know you did it early on,

but I feel like, aren't you supposed to do stuff that people aren't doing? You are supposed to do jokes that you put in your specials and tour on the road. And crowd work is just stupid. It's like scraps of fun for the Instagram. Yeah, I understand. I understand the disposability of it. Yes. But I think my problem, my problem with talking, I've talked to younger comics and they'll ask me and I've overheard them.

I'm like, I've got to work on my crowd work. It's like, you should work on your jokes. Comics will be like, so at what point should I start doing crowd work? And they're like doing it in a year. And I go, worry about funny. Comics will be like, this is the 15 minutes of crowd work time. And then after that, I'll go into, I'm like, you can't break the fourth wall like that.

That's crazy. I mean, you can't. I mean, I could get fired up about this subject get fired up Todd also Todd get fired up want to hear what many of the crowd work things I many of the way that I get into bits is by using crowd work so I do think that sometimes I'll be like I don't want to burn that bit and I'm like fuck that dude you've you've posted five non-burns burn the bit with the crowd you know know what I mean? But also, like, I understand the burning thing, but you're also not burning it, A.

And also, what did you write? Jokes to people not hear them so people don't hear them? I mean, yeah, you do a joke because we're all saving them because there's times I've been like, oh, what if some fucking joke thieves in the room? It's like, so am I not going to do my joke? Yeah. Joke thief in the room? You know, sometimes there's other comics and you're like, I don't know about that guy.

Ooh, I saw a comic verbatim quote a joke. From who? I was in New York and I was in L.A. and it was a seller comic and he did crowd work that was like, you're so-and-so. And then he recited, regurgitated verbatim, and the words words are intricate a bit of another seller comic and I just hit him up and I was like, I don't know what's going on, but please know that. And he's like, oh yeah, it just was an accidental. I don't like doing, it's alienating

to people. I will tell you later. So is mentioning a story and not saying the name. I'll tell you who got stolen as Miss Bit got stolen. And it was the bit where he says jungle fever. You never hear that with white men you never hear uh mass shooter madness anyway it's funnier when azmus does it but that guy he was like oh it's a black girl and a white guy you know some used to call that jungle fever that would not

i never when we're done you can tell ian and i the name of this person right but you see how that's a convoluted bit to steal It's not just like Jungle Fever Just the bits, convoluted And he didn't just say, no, he said Jungle Fever You never say that about white men and a black woman You never say that she has mad Whatever it's called, mass shooter madness

It kills And it killed when the other guy stole it He said it was an accident I think the crowd work thing I mean, because I've had, I've had comic, I had a guy ask me like, he's telling me I got to do crowd work because when the crowd's kind of dead, it's like, so what? They're dead. Keep doing your jokes, right?

Jokes that make them come to life or except that tonight they're dead. Yeah. But like you just start, because I just see comics go into the, even at bar shows where like the audience sitting there, they're just waiting for you to do something. And it's just like, they start doing a joke. Then they think,

okay, Hey, what about you two? What about you two? What about you two? Like, why is that gotta be part of your show? Yeah.

Why do you keep asking about that band? You too? Oh man. Come on guys. I'm trying to be serious here about comedy. I don't see how it is. I think that if somebody does crowd work with a bunch of different people. Sorry,

I know I made you guys on edge. Well, we're talking. I don't necessarily think that... You can turn this mic off. My podcast has it. You know what? From now on, you're not getting paid. You're going to do this we're gonna find out later this one of those pockets we're gonna find out oh you know yeah it's supposed to be annoying

yeah you nailed it yeah that's our thing like you don't warn me ahead of time we're gonna annoy the shit out of you yeah oh which case i could ride that i could could be like ready. That's what it is. Okay. Well, I'll keep that in mind. I won't talk about anything. Look at her. One earring Joan. Go talk. So this is what I think. If somebody goes, don't hurt yourself.

Shut up. Just try being quiet for one minute. If somebody gets on stage and they're like, I'm going to do crowd work for the sake of the algorithm. I think that's stupid. If somebody gets on stage and their natural habit is to be like, oh my God, that guy's face, that guy's here, that guy. And that's what is fun for them and gets, keeps them in the moment. Fine. If somebody's crowd work thing is to be like, this space is stupid and bad and dumb. Fine. I don't think there's any

wrong way to do it. If it works, it works. But I will say that the crowd work thing, the issue with it is it does make audiences less receptive to jokes. Exactly. And that's why I'm waiting for a dumb interruption from Ian. No, no. I won't interrupt because this conversation is putting me to sleep. If there's anyone in the audience who's like,

it's about me also. You've opened the door for them. Yeah, it trains them poorly and then they watch all these clips and they go, this is what a show is. I yell and you respond. And a reward. And also like heckler clips.

Like, I don't like that. And just rewards. Like it rewards. Poor behavior. It rewards the thing that we've all complained about. It's just the person coming up going, who yelled during your show. Hey, I helped you out, right?

Yeah. Just to make fun of that guy. Not fucking reward him with a fucking clip. Yeah. But that's just my opinion. And to piggyback on that, more people need to get hit. Right? Okay. But also

just, never mind. We can change the subject. Go ahead. The crowd work bubble is going to burst. And I even find it bursting if I post like three crowd work videos without a bit or something in there, that's like, this is an idea on something. It's like, it does feel like there's, there's only so much heat behind it before somebody's like, but who are you as a person? You know what I mean? And so it does, it does balance itself out where there, it also does demand some content. It can't just be like, Oh, you're from Florida

and you have a toucan. Like people are sick of that. You know what I mean? Like the pendulum is swinging. If that really happened, I would say, I hope you should definitely air that post that one. I've just seen clips where people are like, you eat mozzarella sticks, bet you ain't going to eat the whole thing. You have not seen that. Yeah. I'll pull it up. From who? Stop. Sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize.

We have to take that out. She'll kill herself. You can leave that in. Also, when you name your favorite comics, how many of them do crowd work? Does Maria Bamford do crowd work? No. Does many of them do crowd work does maria bamford do crowd work wow maria bamford do comfort crowd work no does god no i'm the like the only i'm the exception yeah and i even now i'm fucking reason i fucking regret it in a way why top five regrets in life go crowd work crowd work crowd work crowd work crowd work is that five or was that four that's

so ironically you should do a documentary about that crowd work crowd work crowd, crowd work, crowd work. Was that five or was that four? That's so ironic that you made the crowd work. You should do a documentary about that. Crowd work, crowd work, crowd work, crowd work. This podcast. Oh. Was that predictable? You saw that coming? Yes.

Fuck. Yep. You gave them three crowd works to think of it. From around the bend. You should do a documentary about crowd work and now about, because I got interviewed by the Washington Post about crowd work clips. She was trying to get any shit on them. And I was like, lady, they make my monies.

I don't care if it is a. Do they make you money in what sense? Like they draw people to your live shows? Yeah. If you post a clip where you're like talking to somebody like this, immediately people start watching it because they're not. It's hard for people to open a book and just get going on it where it's easier for people to just be like,

oh, I'm immediately in this interaction and I'm going to see the back. Did you just compare a joke to a book and just get going on it where it's easier for people to just be like, oh, I'm immediately in this interaction and I'm going to see the back of the book. Did you just compare a joke to a book? Yes. A 30-second joke is equivalent to opening a book. I don't know the books that you're reading, but mine look like this. I just crowd-worked you. Yes. No, no. This is a book of Native American poetry.

We're not reading one. Will you pick one out and read and we'll talk about it? No, we're talking about crowd-work. No, can we get it? People do crowd work. Some people don't. It's annoying. It's good. It works. It doesn't. Beep-a-doop-a-dop-boop. Why are you getting uncomfortable? I'm just mad I wasn't interviewed for this article.

You should do a documentary about the crowd work special and then the development. You can interview Newman and me and our Carrie. We'd all say yes. You're welcome. And then you can do about how it's killed comedy. Do you think it's killed comedy? I don't care.

You don't care. I think that it's working for you. So you don't care if it's killed other people. I think I don't mean that Instagram has made. No, no, no, no. I think that in crowd work clips, I don't care about. There's there are nuggets from people's hour that are extracted and put on the internet so that when you watch the hour, you haven't seen anything. That's fine with me. It's like a preview into the personality. I don't

care about that. What I care about is that those algorithms that are getting people addicted to them because they're pushing it is making is censoring us. Right. So now comedy looks like this. It's like, well, you put that in your peep and then i peep and i don't think comedy should be absorbed in a censored way you know what i think community guidelines what the fuck is that everything on the earth has a purpose every disease an herb to cure it and every person a mission this is the indian theory of existence holy. How long did it take for me to read that before you just looked at your watch to see when you can leave?

I do have a habit of looking at my watch. It's a bad habit. Isn't that nice? Do you go to therapy? Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's surprising.

Well, I was wondering about therapy. Do you ever look at the watch or do they look at the watch? Well, I do it over Zoom because she lives in California. Sometimes my therapist does this. Oh, I've had therapists full on fall asleep. I'm pretty sure I had a therapist who was really good,

but she'd be like, are you fucking nodding? What are we supposed to do when that happens? I mean, that's just spruce it up. Make something up. You don't want to be mad at your therapist. Well, just spruce it up. Make something up. You don't want to be like mad at your therapist. Well, I spruce it up. I've been like, and then I was molested. All right.

Gotcha. All right. Back to it. That's going to really wake me up. It's because they get too high in age, right? What's that? It's because she was older, right? She was a little older, yeah.

Right. So I think what happens is, and then they're sick and hearing the same old bullshit. And they're sitting all day. And he fully felt that he was like this and then somebody came in behind. I thought I was the 4.30 appointment. I was like, nobody's coming in after me and then I left and a guy was coming in.

I was like, you're fucked, dude. He's out. Maybe he grabbed a nap during me. He should be good for you. You're treating him like a crowd. You're like, they suck tonight. They suck tonight, yeah. It was like that.

Did you film it for a clip? You know what? I just gave you your million dollar idea, which you need to do ASAP because the bubble's about to burst and you need to do your crowd work and then integrate yours into new stuff. Show how many people ripped you off. I bet you can find a bunch of ripoffs.

I'll work on it with you. I don't know. I mean, I should point out, just full disclosure, I'm on a half crowd work, half joke store right now. Yeah. Half crowd work, half jokesjoke store right now. Yeah. Half-crowdwork, half-jokes, Jordan, all coke. You are keyed up right now.

You're on a half-crowdwork, half-joke? I'm on a tour where I do first half of the show is jokes and then second half. It's different, though. It's different. Do you record it? No. You just talk shit on the thing. do you record it no talk shit on the thing you were do you record it no and do you put and do you record any of it will you make a special you just asked the same

question will you put two different ways what do you put things up it's her podcast i've had some amazing uh crowd work moments that I wish I had, but I just don't want to fucking travel with a camera crew and aim cameras at a fucking audience. I'm trying to do a live show. What do you like to do on the weekends when you're on the road? Do you do like town stuff? Museums? Or do you keep to yourself?

I poke around. I go to coffee shops. Yeah, coffee shops. I love museums sometimes. I love a good poke around. I just am not into museums. I'm going to one Friday with my friends. I just wish that I was, but I'm not. I'm into the Guggenheim. They're overwhelming though.

That's a museum. I mean, I find museums, I get a little panicky. Yes, me too. Natural History Museum. I like that one. Another museum. Because there's animals. But damn, like the MoMA and stuff.

It's cool. But I'm like, I've been in there. It's too much. The key is to just not feel pressure to stay there longer than you really want to stay. Oh, I went to a car museum in Detroit. Well, that one I'd be like, no. Other museum. So you guys can go up without me.

I'm going to the Mudder Museum in Philadelphia. What's that? It's a museum of oddities and death and crazy things. I went to a museum of torture. Museum of torture? In Chicago. Medieval torture devices. Yes.

Spell torture quickly. T-O-U-R-T-U-R-E. Did they have a clip of you doing stand-up? T-O-U-R? I just fucking got them good, Jordan. T-O-R-T-U-R-E. I heard. You said torture. T-O-R-T-U-R-E.

Jordan doesn't listen when I fucking slam you. What'd you say? I said, was there like a screen set up of him doing stand-up? Nice. Torture. Get it? Yeah, I got it. Torture is not it.

I always thought that too. I said T-O-U-R-T-U-R-E. Can you look up how to spell torture? How do you spell torture? T-O-R-T-U-R-E. Can you look up how to spell torture? How do you spell torture? T-O-R-T-U-R-E. It's not T-O-U-R-T-U-R-E? No, it's not. Torture.

No. It's not T-O-R-C-H-E-R. When Todd's on the road, it's spelled torture. T-O-U-R-T-U-R-E. Oh. That's your fucking good one, Ian. Yes. Nice.

The Bono one was really good Thank you You're really on fire tonight Oh yes Thank you It's like hereditary What's your cat's name? Her name is Michaelene

Why'd you name her Michaelene? I didn't Because that was the name She had at the ASPCA And I thought it was Kind of a pretty name I'd never heard it And I kept it

Would you ever get a tattoo Of your cat's name? You want to hear another Funny thing about her name that happened on Mike Birbiglia's podcast? Named her? Yeah. I said, you know, her name is Michaelene.

I didn't want to, you know, I kept it. I kind of liked it. I didn't want to call her like Dr. Bubbles or anything. And he goes, my cat's name is Mr. Mustache. Of course it is. His name is Mike Birbiglia. Of course his cat's name is... What was your question?

Would you ever get your cat's name tattooed on me? I don't have any tattoos. Would you ever get any? No. I mean, I think that ship has sailed, right? No. I don't mean a fucking guy who gets a tattoo and is 80. The ship's still in the harbor.

I want to be able to talk to him. I like tattoos on people, but I don't want a tattoo. He talks a little bit like Cusco's the Cusco. I have my cat's name tattooed on me. Really? Wow. I love him. I have Ramona tattoos on people, but I don't want a tattoo. He talks a little bit like Couscous the Couscous. I have my cat's name tattooed on me. Really? Wow. I love him. I have Ramona tattoos on me.

Maybe I'll name the dog Ramona. I'm not. I'm naming it Whip or Scamp. Trip Scampy. So wait, hold on. You just had Ian McKay at your gig in DC. What's that? And Brendan Canty.

Who's that? And you also played drums with Dinosaur Jr.? No, Yola Tango. I have played with Dinos Canty. Who's that? And you also played drums with. Oh, yeah. Dinosaur Junior. Now, Yola Tango. I have played with Dinosaur Junior. That's insane. Wait, and something with the Misfits. I did a Misfits song. I sent you that clip for some reason.

With who? With Super Chunk. Dude, that's the coolest shit in the world. Because you can drum? I can. I just learned how to do this one. Slightly drum. There's.

Wait. I slightly can drum. I'm not a good drummer by any stretch. Then what are you doing up there? Are you being modest? Because if you're playing with these bands, you're clearly... Well, they're not. They're doing it in context of like I opened for Yola Tango

and then let's bring Todd out to sit in on a Velvet Underground song. Oh, cool. So there's that. It's not like, hey, we need you for session work. You know, it's not. Yeah, yeah. We're recording a new album. We replace our actual good drummer with you. But did you request the songs that you played?

No, no. They usually pick one. And but yeah. What Misfits song did you play? Fuck was it? Do you remember what it was? Last Caress? No.

I could probably find it. Oh, no, because I can't get into my Instagram. I would know it if you said it or if i just uh we are 138 last caress uh teenagers from mars where eagles dare oh astro zombies hate breeders no who killed attitude no american night 20 eyes static age No Why you guys are TV Casualty Saturday Night Hybrid Moments I was dying You want me to look it up? Yeah

Is it important? Nah It's fun to name them though Yeah I was impressed You guys are punk as shit man We both have 138 tattooed on us Yeah

What's 138? We are 138 Do you really both have the same tattoo? No We have a couple of the same tattoos Really? Yeah we do have one of the same tattoos Coincidentally?

No together at the same time I didn't realize you guys How long have you same tattoo? No, we have a couple of the same tattoos. Really? Yeah, we do have one of the same tattoos. Like coincidentally? No, together at the same time. I didn't realize you guys were, how long have you been friends? Seven, eight years. Really? At what point in the friendship

did you say, let's get matching tattoos? Last year. Last year. On a podcast. Would you ever get matching tattoos with someone? I just said eight different ways

I don't want a tattoo. I know, but what if someone in your life, that's nice. What if someone in your life was like, hey. I'll break up with you if you don't get a matching tattoo with me. Yeah. I'd say, well, you know, there's other fish in the sea. Really? I can't imagine getting that ultimatum.

Why would I want to go out with someone who would be that crazy? That'd be really funny, someone holding you hostage for a tattoo. You've got to get a tattoo to prove your love to me. Yeah. Jeff Sheen has my favorite tattoo. What is it? It says Jeff on his bicep. It says crowd work.

Todd, Todd, Todd, Todd. I'm going to get T-O-D-D tattooed on my butthole, and the O is going to be the butthole, so that every time I poop, it's out of your name. Oh, God. Yep. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

It's disgusting. Todd. Keep making jokes, Todd. Yeah, keep making jokes, and I'll disfigure my body. You're going to show me by doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's like drinking poison to make someone else sick, brother.

I'll do that. Yeah. So you're touring right now? I'm on tour. I've been doing tons of cities. Really? Yeah. Favorite city, go.

My favorite show so far was in Portland, but... Really? Yeah. I'm there in February. I did a really great venue there. What was it? It's way too big for you,

but you should do it if things ever start happening for you. What venue? It's called Revolution Hall. How many seats? Well, it's Portland, so it's probably like 400 people in it, but it's probably like 800 seats. I didn't fill it, to

be honest. Interesting. So, 400. 350, 400. You are a guy who doesn't like to do clubs? I don't like to do like Tuesday through Saturday. Nobody does that. Who's doing Tuesday to Saturday? When I started

back in the day, clubs were Tuesday through Sunday sometimes. Jesus. I mean, the ultimate would be like three shows on Saturday, Tuesday through Sunday. Yeah, and they'd pay you in Coke. Not me, but what was your question? Oh, I try not to, I'll do, I try not to do very many. I don't want to do like the chain comedy clubs Wednesday through Saturday.

Oh, I love that. You do rock venues and shit. That's really cool. I like to do one night, make it sort of an event. In my mind, I create, I convince myself it's an event someone you know it's posters it's like a concert it's not like this week we have for six shows like i don't know i just i don't and i don't like doing it's the press that they ask you to do and i don't like the check drop why don't more people do that what you're doing because i think some people don't

because they don't know to do it. We would be great at that. I played a punk venue. Amityville Music Hall. It doesn't have to be punk. AMH. I know, but it's an example. Shout out AMH. Amityville Music Hall on Long Island. So fun. Packed it out. It was great. Just a one night

thing. Really, really fun. I would love to do that. Go around and play like rock venues. Yeah. You know. Like the gutter is fun. Gutter is really fun i would love to do that go around and play like rock venues yeah you know like the gutter is fun gutter is really fun yeah but yeah i mean and also in a lot most of the shows with exception they're not eating they're not getting waited on oh it's because agents are in bed with clubs that's why well the agents yeah if you're exactly if you're like i book my all my clients at the improvs it it's like, Hey, Charlie,

you want to book this guy when you have April? Okay. Boom. Calendar filling. I mean, and it's not like it's, it's not worthwhile to do a comedy club, but it's just,

I just got, I just got tired of like the, Hey Todd, here's your press schedule. Oh, you're, are you asking me or are you telling me? Yeah.

That sucks. I'm going back to Delaware. I hate radio. I love radio and I love doing TV. It's too morning. It's too early. It's so fun. I love it. Do you really? Yeah. Well, you'll do very well then. Yeah. I'm doing WMMR tomorrow in Philly and that

was a rock station that we listened to like growing up. Which is really cool. Yeah, I mean sometimes it's fun. I just don't like when it's like, hey, you're going to wake up at 6 a.m. And it doesn't do shit. It doesn't do shit. Yeah, that's...

Some of them, yeah. And then we also have one at noon, so you won't really quite have time to take a nap or you'll be so jittery because you had so much coffee for the first show. Yeah. And now you're thinking about how you have to wake up again to to do a country music station yeah where they didn't even find

out anything about you or look at a clip of you and yeah and they just say they're gonna insult you todd berry is that your favorite fruit or worse than that when they set you up for bits oh they byron Allen you? Yeah. I used to really be against that. Then I realized it's easier to fucking just burn through the bits. Yeah. Than try to get someone who's not into. So, Todd, we hear you like that show Chopped.

Yeah. Well, it's funny you should bring that out because now I'm going to give you a two and a half minute perfectly crafted joke about that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I see. They'll be like, so, Todd Berry, I have a cat. Do you have a cat? And then they know. And then you go into this

completely stilted... I was eating a chicken sandwich with a little bit of spicy honey the other day. And, uh... Todd, you've heard of that before, right? Well, no, we got to do weather on the ones with a wooga

and the pitchfork. But I don't... And also, I also feel like, you know, if I go to a city, oh, are you done laughing at your own shitty joke? It's called riffing, dickhead. You ever hear me laugh that hard at one of my jokes? And my jokes are actually amazing.

Wow, I'd rather be funny than amazing. I'm just stupid, so you can tickle me with good words. A wooga and the pitchfork got me. But also, like, I also feel like there's certain cities where, like, I don't need to do six shows and yeah pick the city you know so you have an agent that figures this out for you or yeah yeah I have a good agent and he doesn't mind saying fuck you to the well I'm also getting paid fairly well you know right but like so other people literally don't just don't do it just because

I think he was also a music agent for a while so he might be a little more tapped into that that's cool yeah but yeah and i mean i just i mean it's kind of nice because there's no city that has a comedy club that i can't work somewhere else if i yeah and that's not like oh never set foot in a comedy club and it's so i hate when they're like this is the thing that pisses me off you're like i have chicago and then i have well there was one someplace pa and boston whatever some two places that were pretty far apart, six months apart. And they're like, no, that's not within the contract. And I'm like, no, you're just like. Oh, you're talking about a no compete thing?

Yeah. Yeah. But they're so far apart and not that. It's crazy. It should be like six months and like 90 miles or something like that. It's something not enough. Six months is so long. Six months is long.

That's crazy that I can't go to... Do you sell merch on the road? No, I just got a merch store, though. I just got a really awesome shirt. I heard you got a merch store. I should do a merch store, man. I haven't set it up yet. Cold Cut.

No, it's not set up yet. It's going to be on PunchUpLive.com. But my merch is a painting of a gravestone that says I feel weird that's cool cold cut and lady parts carpentry coldcutsmerch.com slash be an Ian with Jordan because I always feel weird and even when I die I'll feel weird

you know but they can get our merch at coldcutsmerch.com slash be an Ian with Jordan I gotta send that out to my brother can you make that harder to remember? I will give you that. Yes. Now I want a sandwich because you said cold cuts. God damn it. You don't like cold cuts?

You don't like sandwiches? Peanut butter and pickle. That's my favorite. I don't even like pickles on a burger. I love talking about food. I want a burger. Do you want to go get bone marrow from the magnetic? I can't because now I have a puppy. What? I love talking about food, but... I want a burger. Let's do it. Do you want to go get bone marrow from the magnetic... I can't because now I have a puppy.

I hate burgers. Exactly. I hate burgers with Emmy Blotnick and her husband. Oh, that's nice. What's he like? He's kind of tall

and a beard. He's attractive. He's a gorgeous man. No, he's a good-looking guy and he's a very nice guy. You heard it here first, folks. Todd Berry, out of the closet. Hey. I mean, I'm not going to say he's a good-looking guy, and he's a very nice guy. You heard it here first, folks. Todd Berry, out of the closet.

Hey. I'm not going to say whether he's good-looking. I don't know. Look at him. I don't know. He's not. Whatever, man. Why would you ask me that? Whatever, man.

I like women. She wants to get a dog, and you're now realizing you can no longer do what you want when you want. Yes, I can. I was thinking about that today. What? Not to make it about me, but I am your guest. Make it about you, please. No, it's just like there's times where

if I didn't have a cat, I could just take off. Yeah. And today I was going, maybe just act like you can still do that and just get someone to fucking watch her. Yeah. It's just an extra. And it costs money. I Yeah. It's just an extra. Yeah. And it costs money.

I know it's a headache. But. My dog is going to go with me everywhere. In my pocket. I mean, I would say if you can train it to travel well at the beginning. Yeah, it's probably a good idea. It's seven weeks old. I'm going to bring it on a plane.

I wish that puppy was right here and your cat was right here. Oh, I know. See, it would make us so happy. Yeah. Yeah. My puppy's going to shit everywhere for a plane. I wish that puppy was right here and your cat was right here. I know. See? It would make us so happy. Yeah. My puppy's gonna shit everywhere for a while. On the plane probably too. So you got your own place, Jordan? No. Huh? You got your own place? Yeah. That's good. Excited about that?

I love it. Four story walk up. It's so cozy. You gotta walk your dog a lot. My dog and me are gonna go to the park Is it a studio or one bedroom? Studio with a kitchen. Hey, you know what? And a bathroom the park all the time Is it a studio or one bedroom? Studio with a kitchen And a bathroom And a toilet There is a studio that doesn't have a kitchen and a bathroom Doesn't studio mean all of it's together?

It's a studio You got a one bedroom I have a studio A studio is one open space You have a hallway and a kitchen Do you have a separate living room? Is also your bedroom my bedroom living room she has a studio yeah boom wrong no hey hey just think you have one bedroom

i don't so it's she has a one bedroom no living room is that what you're saying i have the biggest bedroom in the world my apartment is my bedroom that's a studio where is the apartment but your kitchen and bathroom isn't in your bedroom. I think that's normal. So you're saying a studio apartment, in your definition, the toilet's right in the middle of the room? Like the jail? It's like prison. That's a prison cell. I thought a studio apartment was a big square, and everything's there.

My kitchen is away. Picture fallopian tubes. You live in Brooklyn? Can I ask you that? Yeah. Picture fallopian tubes. You got it in your head? I always have fallopian tubes. You live in Brooklyn? Can I ask you that? Yeah. Okay. Picture fallopian tubes. You got it in your head? I always have fallopian tubes in my head.

Okay, good. You understand. Yeah. On the right side is the bedroom, living room. The middle. I can't believe you're still arguing this. You're just wrong. You are wrong.

I looked it up because it's a studio. Studio is shared bathroom living room. No, no, no. Shared bathroom. You're thinking that's hostile. That's hostile. Don't. You hurt me with your pain.

Bedroom. Oh, my God. What a mistake Shared bedroom living room Shared bedroom living room What did he say? Cut it out There's nothing shared about it

Bedroom and the living room are one room That's a studio What's that? Nothing You can't whisper in front of me oh sorry my bad i can't yeah what am i missing nothing you guys doing something mean to me well damn it what is that it's a taser oh don't do that is that's a taser. Oh, don't do that. Is that really a taser? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it works? Yeah. Oh, if you tase me, I'd be very upset. Don't even play with that around me, man. No, it's not charged. Hold on. Could you just put that? That's making me uncomfortable.

Put it down. Put it down. You need to meet Rick Glassman. I did his podcast. Really? Yeah. Are you guys teasing a pod? I was thinking of you when I realized, is there something I should have known about

this podcast? Because I didn't know anything about his podcast. Oh, really? And then I went in and not knowing that he kind of has a tone to it that I didn't realize. Do we have a tone? No, I mean, there's like a thing where you're just shooting the shit. That's what we're doing. What do you think that we would be?

Yeah, what do you think? You told me like it's Peewee's Funhouse kind of thing. You don't have to imitate his voice when you say things to me. I don't go, Pee-wee's Funhouse. It's fine. I said it's like Wayne's World meets Pee-wee's Playhouse. Yeah.

That's where I... It's just what it looks like. Typically what it is is watching a married couple who aren't married attack each other and then make up over and over. That's what we should say. Do you guys have real fights?

Yeah. Seriously? Yeah. Seriously? Drop down, drag out. Seriously? Like you would believe. Crying.

Screaming. Over what? Get the fuck away from me. You're a fucking asshole. You know that? Fuck you. Fuck you. You're joking. I swear to God. you Over what like what was your last fight about

Or give me a highlight Why are you fighting Why did we fight upstairs Ian being sick Oh that was one Was that a big fight Yeah it led to a big fight and then we made up And you invited me to the Dominican Republic

With your family and then you rescinded the invite after I bought tickets. But we weren't really mad, were we? Yes. Yes. I had to go take a walk. I figured her out, by the way, how to deal with this. You can never tell me what this fight is about. We don't even know anymore.

He was sick and he made us record. And Louis Katz was here. And he's like, I'm fine, man. And then I get there and there's like NyQuil, dayquilt, lozenge, like everything. Did you take a COVID test? Yeah, I took a COVID test on the pod. Negative. Louis Katz made him take a COVID test. Of all people, Louis Katz is like

the one you don't want to do that to. Yeah, I know. Or anyone. He's like you times ten. Yeah, he is like. Particular. Jewish? I love Louis, but I think he would not be comfortable with that. I am Jewish, yes. Yes. Are you ringing the Jewish comfortable with that. I am Jewish, yes. Are you ringing the Jewish bell?

Shofar. Yes, I'm Jewish. You're Jewish too? No. Well, when she blows the shofar. So you've had knock down, drag out? Oh, seriously? One time we were on the street yelling at each other and someone DM'd me and goes,

Hey, I love you and Jordan, big fan of the show. I saw you guys screaming at each other on the street, me and goes, hey, I love you and Jordan. Big fan of the show. I saw you guys screaming at each other on the street, so I didn't say hi. What were you screaming about? I want to know some... Because I don't fight with my friends. Really? Yeah, I mean, I'm sure if they get on my nerves, I get on their nerves. Ian's the only one that I have screaming matches with. But screaming matches, I feel like

that's really extreme. We're mentally ill. We're both mentally ill. We're mentally ill. He. You're mentally ill? We're both mentally ill. We're mentally ill. We'll be in a screaming match and I'll be like, you just fucking irritated. And then he'll be like, are you about to get your period? And I'm like, no, that is not how I phrase it at all. I have a period tracker in my phone because she is PMDD.

My biggest pet peeve are when people say something that they don't really mean. Like, they'll be like, this is what I was intending. And I'm like, but that's not what you're intending. But they're like, I was. She projects and puts a lot of stink on things and lives in her own fantasy world. You live in a fantasy world. You live not in reality. Are you guys going to get into one?

That's how we would get into one. That's how it starts. Do you realize I've been asking you, like, for 20 minutes now to give me an example of why you guys get in a fight and you can't even come up with a reason? Because he's a load of poop. And she's full of doo-doo. We get in fights because... They're bad communicators.

No. Fuck you. To each other, yes. What the fuck are you talking about? We communicate well. We get in fights because we both have a temper. You do have a temper? Oh, yeah. I punch stuff. I punch my motorcycle. Yeah, I lose because we both have a temper. You do have a temper? Oh yeah, I punch stuff.

I punch my motorcycle. I lose a temper also. Like I got mad today. What happened? I was doing some laundry and I closed the door and I realized I hadn't put the soap in the laundry. So I had to fucking let it run a whole full fucking cycle.

I couldn't. You have your own washing machine? I don't. No. It's in the hallway. You went to a laundromat. No, no. It's in my building. But you couldn't stop it.

I couldn't stop it, open it. That's crazy. It's not like a dryer. Yes, you can. Well, I couldn't figure out how to do that. No, the new ones, you can. The new ones, well, you can pause. There's a pause button.

Yeah. I didn't see a pause button. That you feel pretty stupid, huh? But anyway, that got me mad. But I didn't punch a wall. that you feel pretty stupid huh but anyway that got me mad but I didn't punch a wall but what'd you do in response I just was like

I texted I texted a friend who would relate to that kind of thing and then just said I just fucking did this I'm just yeah

there's nothing you can do it's really ultimately alright I wait a half hour and then I fucking throw this open I lost my phone last night and my wallet today and it was chaos and I just went like this are you fucking kidding me that's losing shit is

makes enrageous yeah but quietly i don't scream i don't scream my friends on the street only him only her we don't scream at normal what's the last time you got in a fight that i used i still don't know why you get in fights but go go ahead. We get in fights because I say, I need this. And he goes, you need this. And I say, okay, for instance, this is a really good example. Oh, good. Thank you. So I was at the.

Admit right now, though. I am. I. I am a good guy. My communication skills with you are like leaps and bounds beyond what they were. And you've helped me grow into a way to communicate better. And I have figured out how to fucking deal with you are like leaps and bounds beyond what they were and you've helped me grow into a way to communicate better and i have figured out how to fucking deal with you okay that's not a good way to communicate i agree with that as well let her let her speak though yes yes um just for

my personal curiosity like like i'll be texting on my phone and he'll be worried that i'm texting my ex so he'll look over and be like who are you texting and i'll be like that I'm texting my ex. So he'll look over and be like, who are you texting? And I'll be like, dude, get the fuck away from me. And he'll be like, hey. And then that starts a fight. Can you give some context as to why I would care that you're texting your ex? And the reason why I get so upset is because I am texting my ex, which I shouldn't. And he wasn't good to you?

No. It was like two years of hell and pain. And I had to hold her and have her cry on my shoulder to deal with the fucking nightmare that she had gone through. So I'm a bit protective and try to look out for her. Yeah, that's a delicate thing because on one hand, I can understand going, what are you doing? But on the other hand, it's like sometimes you just got to let people make their mistakes. Yeah, but when you see someone bashing their head into the wall to the point of like blood gushing everywhere, you can't help. But sometimes you got to let them figure it out.

Or he goes, look, I got everybody food. And he comes in with one tiny plate that he got for himself because he's just trying to justify why he was late. And I'm like, just be honest and be like, I'm late. And I will admit. I admit. Oh, I admit. I admit. I admit. I admit. It's like the thing with you asking me if I wanted

a coffee. Yes. And then you're like, oh, here's some canned water. The podcast brand water that every podcast has. Like the other day, we had to bring that thing up my stairs. I said, you can't come later than 1.30. And then I told the lady 1.45 because I knew you'd be late. And then it was 2 o'clock.

So I had to sit there with this poor lady. Context, I brought a guy. He invited himself to my face. He said, I'll do it. And you're like, really? And I was like, really? And then he came. I told him earlier to do that.

No, you didn't. You're lying. I'm lost. I didn't follow that one. So when was the last time you were angry? I told you this morning. It was like hours, a couple hours ago. Yeah, but I mean lost. I didn't follow that one. So when was the last time you were angry? I told you this was like hours, a couple hours ago. Yeah, but I mean angry. Now, if you were to have a conversation with her like this all the time nonstop, you'd get a little upset too.

Oh, I could see why. Yeah. I demand respect. I just wouldn't be friends with either of you. What? I'm a great friend. Well, I love her and I would never give up on you. I don't equ equate like Arguing with passion

But we grew up around like yelling And we're told like If you don't If you argue and yell That shows that you really love each other I mean I guess they say it's good to do some arguing But I think there's a way of arguing That's the thing we get it out of our system

And things are better afterwards right You always make up pretty quickly Yeah Right Yeah How do you make up Always We make up pretty. Yeah. Right. Yeah. How do you make up? Always.

We make up by, we have to work it out because both of us have a thing where we're like, we can't leave. Well, that's good. I sometimes need to cool off. He sometimes needs to take a walk to let me cool off. I have a lot of rage issues, especially because of this two year relationship thing that's been torturing

me. And I'm in a lot of therapy and recovery work to deal with the rage issues. But I got kicked around a lot as a little kid so i love really yeah okay i'm sorry so when people rage out especially somebody who i love very much who i know won't abandon me i want to kill you me yeah yeah wait she's the guy you love very much i love him very much yeah and he won't leave me right because we're not actually dating So when he gets mad at me, I can flip out on him. Even if we were dating, I wouldn't leave you. That's nice.

You would if I beat your head in. I'd knock you out. Sometimes we smack each other with objects. Yeah. You guys get violent? On the podcast. That's on the podcast. Okay.

No, like, don't get it twisted. It's performative. If we dated, I'd hit you. Yeah, yeah. Don't say that, man. He would. No, you would. I'd hate you. Don't say that, man. He would. No, you would. I'd hit him back.

Yeah. When you came up to me and I was on the motorcycle and I was almost free, because Ethan finally was like, let Jordan leave and then she'll calm down. And I get out to the motorcycle and he goes, hey, man. Or I'll do a thing where I go like, hug it out. Hug it out before you go. And I'm like, yo, I'm furious. I don't want to hug.

Do you do the thing where like, I guess you're not a couple. Maybe you don't do this where you don't go to bed angry. We don't leave angry. Yeah, you can't really like if we get in a fight, I'll go to the cellar because I know she's going to be like, yeah, I just need time to cool off because my engine gets high

and then I go to cool off and then I start going, yeah, and another thing and I walk in and go, I just got to say. And I'm like, I forgot everything. And you're like, oh, okay, good. Does that happen where you think like you're about to make up and then you poke again? You poke the bear?

No, he lets it go because he's more pacifist than me. So if I've let it go, he'll. So you're kind of the psycho between the two of you. No. I shouldn't have said psycho. I retract that. I'm more of the psycho between the two of you. No. You. I shouldn't have said psycho. I retract that. I'm more of the anger. Yes.

He would love to not get angry. I get angry. And a lot of times I will say something and then later we'll be like, yeah, you were right. But in the moment, it's tough. You know when somebody's screaming at you and once you let that out of the bag, like you're like, fuck this. I'll just go. It feels good. Really? we got in a fight up the street and she stormed

off and left and took her like jacket she it was hot it was the summer she took her shirt off it got lost coming back to my house yeah so she was walking around my neighborhood where am i just shirtless asking people where's where's house where's Ian's house so you've been friends for seven years how many fights in seven years twenty

I mean nine nine nine I think it's more than nine no because I was his opener for a while

I was like more sycophantic towards him how does an MC have an opener it's okay it's okay. It's okay.

It was pretty fast, though. You want to see someone jump to violence? Yeah, if you want to see someone jump to violence, I was telling my mom about this in the DR, if somebody will start being mean to me, he'll start getting angry. He's very protective of his friends. Really?

And he's very scared of being abandoned. So if I start threatening abandonment, then he gets angry. I'm here, man. Don't you worry, Ian. I brought your cat treats. You did. That was very nice. I don't know why I'm saying I'm here, man. It was like... You're pretty fucking talented if

you're a fucking emcee at the cellar and you got an hour and you tour every weekend as a headliner. I just saw the opportunity. Alright. It was a really good one. Yeah, it was good. There we go. That's all. But I would open for him and he was, so I was so... Can I do the joke again now that you said you're... No. Yes.

You can make a joke at me. Okay. Not my pussy. I don't do that. I would middle for him post and then so I wouldn't fight with him then. He was just really crazy to me. Kind of scary. And then we did

a trial run podcast together with someone else. We've just been both too crazy to be. And then we started hanging out during the pandemic. So it hasn't been like close friendship till the pandemic. I would make her before we were just manic people being like I would make her and another friend of ours dinner and we'd have like movie nights.

Really? You make dinner? Mm-hmm. Salmon. Want to come over for salmon? I do love salmon. I recently turned on to salmon. I'm a good salmon cook.

I like it a little well done. I like it a little dry. Do you? Well done. Flaky salmon. Yeah. The best. Crispy skin.

Yeah. I know just how to do it. You sear it. Butter. Butter. Butter. Oil. Yeah. The best. Crispy skin. Yeah. I know just how to do it. You sear it. I even got a- Butter, butter, butter. Butter. Oil. Garlic.

Minced. Lemon. Lemon. Hot. Maldon. I love that you told me the garlic is minced. Yes. I'm not going to kill the dog.

People put full garlic. That's so specific. It's not a good idea for you to have the dog. Come over. I'll make a salmon. It'll be nice. Watch a movie. What do you like? I want to have the dog. Come over. I'll make a salmon. It'll be nice. Watch a movie. What do you like?

I want to watch a movie. What's your favorite movie? Let's go to my house and hold the dog and watch a movie. You live in a studio. Anyway. First of all, I don't see myself ever coming here for dinner. What's your favorite movie? I just wanted to get that out of the way before we change topics.

You say that now just you wait yeah just you wait until the bird flu hits again there's so many restaurants that make it unnecessary I will make sure they're not open I've never tried bone marrow

you gotta get it it's chicken goo for adults that's chicken goo for adults bone it's chicken goo for adults. That's chicken goo for adults. Bone marrow is chicken goo for adults. It tastes good. So good. Think how much cats love chicken goo.

That's how you feel about bone marrow. You scrape it out of a bone and you put it on a scrape. Hey, you put it in its butter. Turn that face into a different face. Have you ever had a butter before? Yeah. Because the restaurant that has bone marrow also probably has butter.

I bet almost anything, most of them have butter. You eat it out of a bone. It's delicious. The bone is like a plate. That's fancy shit. Have you had it there? I went on a date and scared a man Because it was my first time having it And I was so iron deficient that the second I touched my tongue

I became ravenous So you went on a date and he took you to Minetta? No She took him And then garbled No That's pretty nice of you That's a good couple hundred maybe, right?

No. You don't drink, so maybe not. I took a girl out for sushi last night and then a strip club. The widow? Yeah. Wait, I didn't know you were. Did you have sex? No.

Didn't even really kiss. Really? Yeah. I promise. No, nothing. She was dancing African style for me at the strip club. Oh, that's cool. Was she like this?

Yeah. Yeah. And doing things like no, no, no, no. That's cool. How old was she? Forty five. Thirty. Where'd you meet her?

And she was a widow. Husband died during COVID. From COVID? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I want to hear more about this guy you took to Minetta. Oh, yes, he was a piano player.

I took a fucking African queen goddess to a strip club. Do you want to hear about fucking bone marrow? I paid for the whole date because I was so guilty about how fast I ate the bone marrow. And he let you pay? Yeah. Pussy. Now, let me ask you this. I have a few questions about that.

Okay, Todd, you're up. How many dates did you go on before the Minetta? First. First. Oh, you paid for the first date. I wanted to go to Minetta because I wanted to go do spots right after. You could have gone to Reggio. I just want.

Okay. Oh. We went to Reggio last night. I honestly wanted Minetta, and I missed going with you that one time and I wanted to see what it was like so I was like fuck it I'll go I have money I don't have that much money but I have money and then I was figured I would just like

maybe I was like you know what fuck it for once in my life I'll pick a place that I actually want to go why did he just fucking say I got this exactly real pussy shit is going on in the world right now because now women will be like fuck you she tried dude. I went on a date. She tried some shit last night. Can I tell you real quick? The bill came. No, not you. The girl, the bill came and she goes for a person goes up. I'll pay half. And I go. it's okay and I go no please I'd really like to pay for this she goes no and I go

if you feel comfortable paying for it if you can but I would really like this or be my treat and she goes I'd actually really like that and I think that's really respectful thank you and she tried to do like a fake out to see if I was a puss or not because we're worried that if you buy it we have to have sex with you and there's no pressure

I did go out with a woman many years ago who for whatever he just was visibly uncomfortable with me picking up the check because of that no no no it was no no no it wasn't that why i think it was maybe a feminist thing feminist thing or control thing or something boo said be quite a bit of money though no but i still paid 99 of the time but i just think i would always get up for the first few times or else you're a pussy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I even paid for the strip club. I mean, I let Ian buy me this iced tea. Yeah. And now you owe me some sex. What do you think about this? What do you think about this? Oh, God, you better let me blow ya! What do you think about this?

First three dates, they pick it up. But then once you start actually dating, they make you split first three days i always find i find splitting i'd rather pay and just get me back yes ow splitting i find very unromantic i guess i pay this time you pay next time i haven't seen romance in a year i think it's very you know kind of adult and charming if a woman after like six dates goes hey can i get one or me get one. Would you accept romance if you had it? Ugh. Exactly. We're having a fun conversation. You killed it. Romance? What would romance

look like? I hate when people try and dance with me in the street if they're a bad dancer. That happens a lot. Hold your hand. Yeah, I love holding hands. That's romantic. Yeah. Yeah. No, Todd, hold hand. There's probably some goo. There's bone marrow all over Fingers man

My hand is gooey Somebody I had a host probably the other day And I was like my hands are sticky And he was like oh Also who's dancing with you in the street Dude Yeah wouldn't you rather just be yelling in the street

Yeah As we call delaware romance what we are saying what we are saying what it sounds like we're saying is a toxic thing and when we fight it is also crying and i love you and hugs and it isn't like it isn't like tearing each other down i think it's where people come from i don't come from a very tumultuous upbringing. I've been with people where we're just trying to hurt each other when we're screaming, and it's not really like that. How do you feel about this?

And may I just say also, there does need to be a release of the valve to release steam and pressure. Because sometimes stuff, you know what I mean? Sometimes you could have a blow up and then everything's good for a long time and then yeah once you can do that you recognize okay this is just like this happens we're gonna have a little thing and then move forward and that's to be honest my pms is a huge problem and i recognize that so i try to bring her back down

to reality and go hey i know you're upset now. But that sounds a little condescending. It's not. I'm not being fucking condescending. You can't get mad. I'm not being patronizing. Okay. I keep her fucking. Stop yelling.

Yeah, don't yell. I keep her period on my phone so I know when she gets a little fucking wackadoos. But he gets like this too, where he yells. He reacts. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been in a relationship? Either of you. I'll take it to both of you instead of just Jordan.

Okay. Thank you. Finally, Todd. Where you're like a yeller and the person just calmly listens and then you go bananas because of that. I've never yelled in a relationship, but sometimes they go, you're yelling. I go, no, I'm just fucking speaking up this. What about when people do this? You want yelling? I'll fucking yell. If they want to see yelling, they'd come see you MC, right? I love when people yell. No, they'd come see you, MC, right? I love when people yell.

No, they'd come see me. Oh, I should have phrased that differently. Headline. I should have said, if they want to see unnecessary yelling, they would come see me. Come see my act. I bet you wish you had a time machine. I rewrote that one. Schmuck.

Schmuck is a good doggy name, too. What were you going to say? I have dated somebody who doesn't get mad when I get mad And it actually does make me Less angry It's when we ladder up at each other That it gets bad When somebody's just like Oh when someone takes your abuse

And doesn't stand up for themselves Then I stop When somebody's just like I'm not gonna yell Like Ethan I would never scream at you You haven't gotten into a fight with Ethan Ethan manages to like, I'm not going to yell. Like Ethan. I would never scream at you. You haven't gotten into a fight with Ethan? Ethan manages to really dodge. Me and him will be yelling and then Ethan will

say something and I'll be like, just give me a second, Ethan. But instead, if it was Ian, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. But Ethan, I'm like, I'm not going to yell at this sage person who's being calm. Yeah. I want you guys to de-escalate sooner. Next fight.

Okay, we'll try. You just de-escalated that? Yeah. Look at that. You guys agreed to the... Look at you. You could be a good marriage counselor. Oh, my God.

You have to get married. Yeah. Are you dating? No. I mean, I went through this breakup. I should get you on Raya. I am on Raya. It's awful, isn't it?

I mean, it's a good place to meet like a marketing executive for Red Bull or something. Yeah, exactly. Or a guy who owns a shirt. I've met some business. A guy who owns a shirt. Are you on Raya?

Oh, yeah, I've seen you on Raya. You didn't swipe yes to me? No, we're beyond that. Talk. You've got to swipe yes to friends so that you can see their... No, no, no, you've got to swipe yes and in the middle, we're beyond that. Todd. You gotta swipe yes to friends so that you can see their... You gotta swipe yes and in the middle of the swipe you screenshot it and then send

it and go, what are you thinking of? Joke. They know if you screenshot? Yeah. They won't let me on Riot. Really? For the past year it said application pending. They need more women. I gotta say they took me very quickly. Well, you're a bona fide celebrity. I got to say, they took me very quickly. Well, you're bonafide.

I'm a good, great looking man. That's the funniest joke you said all day, dipshit. I think you both have to show your balding if you're going to find it. People's bios are brutal on that, though. Like, some of them are just like, I like the finer things in life. Like, you serious? I met a guy. He sent me a text the other day of

the four agreements, by the way. That guy. He still is talking to you? Yeah. Oh, wait. Is that the guy you went to where it was a night where I talked to you right after you had a date? Are you still talking to him? No. Chair pulley howdy guy? Yeah. He saw my set. That's what was crazy. He saw my set. He saw

me freaking out of being like, and then he took me out to eat and pulled the chair out and sat halfway up. If I stood, I was like, you just, you just learned who I am. I'm wearing a Carhartt, sir.

Be normal. Great band from Baltimore. I just did a show with a beach house. Really? You should wear this. Yeah, that was good. Really? Oh, Todd, you should wear this hat. Yeah, that would look good on you. Actually, am I promoting something

I don't want to promote? No, it's a really good band. Yeah, it's a really good band. Oh, that looks fucking sick. Actually, that looks fucking sick. Wow. Doesn't that look good? That does look good.

Yo, you gave me the cat treats. I give you the hat. A dirty hat? It's not dirty. I've never worn it and they just sent it to me. Shout out Akil Gonzo. I've never worn it. And they just sent it to me. Shout out.

Akil Gonzo. End it. Baltimore City. Well, I'll hold on to the hat and give it to you when you come over for dinner. All right. Do that. No, that hat.

No. He's not going to wear this hat. I want you to wear the ended hat. He won't wear it. I feel weird wearing it. I've never heard. I'll get you into them. What's your favorite to wear this hat. I want you to wear the ended hat. He won't wear it. I feel weird wearing it. I've never heard. I'll get you into them. What's your favorite band?

Ended. Beach House is so good. Yeah, I did that. The song I'll Take Care of You. They were on that Yolo Tango show. Do you still listen to punk rock? I've never been. I mean, I'll listen to the.

I'm kind of a poser in a way. How? Because I'm not really a punk on any level. What? You're the most punk. But you do what you want and you don't care about anything else. You play rock venues. You say, fuck the system.

And the people who are the most punk don't look punk. All right, you're right. The hardcore guys are like Acacia Strain, lead singer, Patagonia. I've always found, yeah, the guys who have people, not the guys, people who I know have had the best record collections are like the dirtiest, unfashionable people so I kind of break that mold by wearing this

crisply laundered shirt no one would think someone this handsome would have such a good taste in music compliment me I have to get this dog real real quick though do you listen to harder music like more aggressive music beach house I you know I have this I'm nervous I I'm not I am nervous about blasting my music a little because I wonder if it bothers the cat do you sing to your cat I

talk to her all the fucking time what do you say I? I just, baby. You eat a lot of baby. Baby, what do you want? What do you want? Baby, you can't do this, baby. I even said, daddy's got to go do a podcast today. Talking to your cat or your woman. I told her which podcast it was. Did she get excited? She was like, ugh.

You call your cat baby? I do. That's weird. Is that weird? That's really weird. Yeah. Because what do you say to weird. Is that weird? That's really weird. Yeah. Because what do you say to a girlfriend? Baby too?

Yeah. Probably. Yeah, I did definitely call him. I did tell my ex. Honey is fine. I was getting jealous of how she talked to the cats because she talked to the cats the way she used to talk to me. Like what?

Baby and stuff. But why would that bother you? Because I'm baby. I know, but it's a pretty generic. I get jealous of people you? Because I'm baby. I know, but it's a pretty generic object, dude. It's pretty, I'm baby. I get jealous of people's, like, sisters. I'm like,

you like your sister. And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, gross. I call my buddy and guy, oh, he's a cute guy.

Long boy. Look at that guy. Well, mine's a little girl. See, I don't like girl cats. You don't like girl cats? Guy cats. Calico, they're almost always girls.

Calico is so pretty. Oh, calicos are so nice. You know what else are nice? Domestic short hairs. Special from Todd Berry. YouTube.com slash YouTube.com slash. Oh, it's on all things comedy. If you look up Todd Berry domestic short hair, it's on

the all things comedy. If you look up Todd Berry, it comes up. Or if you go to the top of my website, ToddBerry.com. Go to YouTube and type in Todd Berry. It comes on the all things comedy. If you look up Todd Berry, it comes up. I did it the other day. Or if you go to the top of my website, ToddBerry.com. Go to YouTube and type in Todd Berry. It comes up. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Todd Berry, number one fan of End It, Baltimore City Hardcore. It'll be in the description. Is it a hardcore band? It'll be in the description of the podcast. Do you like hardcore?

No, I'm kind of fascinated with hardcore. Really? In what way? I just think I just love the whole weird culture of shows. I could tell you this story. Do we have a minute? I was in a band in Florida and we opened for a...

What's that band that's a famous band? Oh, fuck. They're hard to remember. Gorilla Biscuit. How famous? Very famous punk band. Black Flag. What's the... Coxbear. How famous? Very famous punk band Black Flag Cock Spare No no

Why am I The long haired guy Corrosion of conformity Nirvana Why am I blanking? Now I'm scared that I'm blanking Famous punk band With a C

Circle Jerks Circle Jerks Wait, famous punk band. We can get it. We'll get it. With a C? With a C. Circle Jerks. Circle Jerks! No way. I panicked on that one. Isn't it weird how you looked at your phone and you remembered it? It's almost like your phone was like. But it's also a blank screen.

I know, I know. But it's almost like your brain is like information. Oh, that's so cool. But it was funny because they, it was like an American Legion Hall in Gainesville. And the audience was hilarious. They were not at all, you at all vocally angry at us, but they would not do one second of applause. We'd finish a song

and be dead silent. You took me to see that band with the drummer from Fugazi. Yeah, yeah. That was great. I want to take you to a hardcore show. Would you go to a show with me? Let me get my earplugs. Okay. Yeah, you always have to wear earplugs. That'd be great. We should take him to an hardcore show Would you go to a show with me? Let me get my earplugs That'd be great Do they still have hardcore shows? Oh yeah

CBGB's had those hardcore matinees I used to go to those Cake boss? Cake shop I like a nice comfortable concert Brooklyn Monarch and Brooklyn Meadows has great shows I'll take you to one man that'd be really fun

but I just I think if people fighting and shit no one's fighting you stand in the old people's zone they're stage diving and dancing you can hold my glasses when I stage dive nobody's fighting it's very peaceful you know that hardcore people, they're like,

the merch today is getting donated to Briar Pants little pee pee farms. They're all vegans. They're all straight edge. But there is a pit where people are dancing and stuff. But you don't have to go near that. And I stage dive. It's the most fun. You stage dive? I've never staged. Are you like Grandpa stage dive? Yeah.

It's the best. I love it. You're stage diving after like an 18 year old? Oh yeah. Somebody messaged me and goes, I time? Yeah. It's the best. I love it. So your stage time after like an 18-year-old? Oh, yeah. Somebody messaged me and goes, I didn't know. I realized you were a comic afterwards. People were telling me. But I just kept wondering who that old Jewish man was

with the prison tattoos. I was like, that's me. Yeah. Do people, after you do a set, do they know you're a comic? Come on, George. Well, that's a king. was great also i love it how you said after you yawned it's okay um okay we're are we're gonna that was good yeah good job that was great you're now happy you came right we're gonna bring you to a hardcore show where we'll get him back yes i'm gonna spin kick this shit out of

you and we'll be like no no no it's fun but when i went i went to the fugazi house once no shit and he's minor threat house yeah yeah yeah he showed me the their logs like he had like expense logs and it was really interesting it'd just be like $3 for Cokes. Crazy. How did you get into all this shit? Because I know these guys. Yeah. How do you know Ian McKay? Because I did a joke about Fugazi. I was trying to tell my friends at this band Angel Dust.

And then I did it on. Great. You should check them out. Angel Dust? Yeah. Then I did the joke on Letterman. And I guess, I think someone from Yolotangle told them. And then I got an email from the drummer and

what is it yeah what's wait what's the Fugazi joke that's fucking incredible it's uh you've never heard it no no it's it's you're gonna are you punching it in yeah what is it it's pretty basic joke about okay no don't play the man's joke in front of me. I'd rather you play it then. Yeah, then I'm set. There's a documentary on this band Fugazi. You guys know about them, right? They're what's called a punk rock band. And they have a lot of integrity. They won't charge more than five bucks for their concerts.

Five bucks! You know, there's got to be at least one guy in the band who ain't happy about this. Good drummer is going to snap at rehearsal and they're like, hey fellas, can we stop a second? I had the craziest idea. How about six bucks? Yeah, I was thinking that extra dollar

times 800 people a night times five shows a week equals I don't have a roommate when I'm 47. That's a good job. Hey. I can't believe I used to talk like that. God. Does that sound like me? Yeah.

Still? Uh-huh. No, your voice is lower now, but... Yeah, there you go. Oh, you saw the Fugazi record in the hallway coming down here. I didn't, actually. Okay, fair enough. I was just thinking about your filthy toilet the whole time. Don't! My mom got pissed at me for that. Your mom was here? No, she listens to the podcast.

It goes, you need to clean your bath. I want to get you a new toilet. Oh my God. That'd be really nice. I have an idea. I'm not going to pay for it, but I just want to motivate you to get your own. What about for your birthday, I send in an Asian cleaner to scrub everything. How does it get that stained?

It's old. It's been here since 2007, man. Time. The passage of time. I have cleaned it. Good job. You pulled your punch. That was really good. That was a perfect slap. See, that still bummed me out that he did that. You should see what he usually does.

I usually have a handprint right here or a cane mark. You guys are like the dysfunctional couple No you're not dysfunctional If you're not having sex Yeah Okay Alright ToddBerry.com

ToddBerry.com ToddBerry on Instagram PunchUplive.com slash Jordan Jensen IanFightAnts.com for all my dates We love you Patreon.com slash Jordan Jensen IanFidance.com for all my dates We love you Patreon.com slash BDM pod See you next time Bye bye

Bye everyone It doesn't matter, doesn't matter what you say anymore