Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 078: Honor Amongst Thieves W/ Brad Williams

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Hey, everybody. Come and see me on the road. IanFidance.com. Coming everywhere. January 25th to 27th, Calgary, Alberta, Canada. And then I'm going to Seattle, Portland, Sacramento, San Francisco, San Diego, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Austin, Missouri, everywhere under the sun. Oh, and we're doing a live podcast. Zany's Nashville, Zany's Chicago, Zany's Rosemont. That's February 19th, 20th, and 21st. IanFidance.com for tickets. Jordan Jensen, see her on the road.

She's not here right now because she's on the road. She's legitimately in Wisconsin. Yeah. So see her at PunchUpLive.com slash Jordan Jensen and enjoy the show. We love you. Telling jokes and having smokes, riding bikes all through the night.

It's a wild ride when you're being Ian. Coffee ice, no matter what. Now, you know, he likes it in the butt. It's a wild ride. When you're being Ian, being Ian.

Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a lie. Being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan. With Jordan. Blow, blow. You got it. You got it.

I believe in you. Oh. That was nice. Time to go to war. Yes. Oh. There you go to war. Yes. Oh, there you go. Dog liking it. Welcome back to another episode of Be an Ian with Jordan.

We love you. Patreon.com slash Be an Ian pod. Join up. We got a ton of fun stuff. Extra bonus solo episodes every week. The music mixes every month. Hour long adventure specials. Our guest today is the incomparable, the wonderful,

the coolest dude on the block, Brad Williams. Thank you for coming. Dude, this is the most adorable episode ever. Between the puppy and the dwarf, we're really going for a cute. Can you make the puppy look big and hold her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Your puppy.

Oh, whoa, she just Thank you. Your puppy. All right. Oh, whoa. She just turned into a Great Dane. It's just a puppy holding, a dwarf holding a puppy. Holding a large dog. This is a Hallmark movie. Yes. This is everything you've ever wanted. Yes.

A dwarf holding a puppy. The dwarf and the puppy. The newest children book coming from Random House. Don't let me get Shane Torres to hold them both. Yeah. There's your three wishes right there. Bam. Yes.

What a cutie. What an adorable dog. Okay. So now that we've hit all the algorithms. Yes. I know. Let's get in the podcast. Time to cuss.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. I love this basement. This is like everything that you ever wanted as a kid is now a trinket in this basement. Yes. This is just nostalgia punches you in the face.

I love it. Thanks, bro. It's great. Yeah, we worked really hard to make it. It also is your contemporary life. What do you mean? People say it's nostalgic. This is how you, this is.

Oh yeah. All the furniture is mine and existed before the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything, nothing was bought like, oh,

remember this? This is all my stuff. Yeah, yeah. This isn't kitsch. This is legitimately my, an hour thing. Comedians do not grow up.

Like dude, Jordan loves little guys. We have little taxidermied rats. That's Richard. He's Jordan loves little guys. We have little taxidermied rats. That's Richard. He's on a little shady. And Jordan has a little mouse and cheese. Isn't that nice? I spent money I didn't have on a replica Ghostbusters proton pack.

Sure. Like you do, that some guy constructed in his basement when he wasn't making bombs for Ted Kaczynski. Yes, yes. Who actually, if I may say, was right about a lot of things. So you watch Mindhunter? Yeah. Yeah, if you watch the show Mindhunter on Netflix, by the way,

there's rumor that they're going to come back for another season. But if you watch that, wow. And then the whole movie about Ted Kaczynski in terms of how they discovered him, something forensics, the whole thing that they invented to Ted Kaczynski In terms of how they discovered him Something forensics, the whole thing that they invented To catch Kaczynski Which, yeah

And then you find out what he was against He was against technology and he's like It's going to start running our lives We're going to be addicted to it I mean, minus the sending bombs to strangers thing Best friend, he's the best friend Take that part out of it It's like when you watch the Marvel movies and you're like,

alright, Thanos is making a lot of points. Yeah. A lot of good points. I don't want half the world to die, but I know the Thanos thing was really... Can you guys explain? Because I just agreed with you to seem cool, but I've never seen any of those movies and I don't get the reference. No,

really? Yeah. With all the nerd stuff you like, you weren't into the Marvel stuff? I stopped watching nerd stuff. At Iron Man? No, at Ghostbusters. I've never seen a Star Wars, Lord of the Rings. Really? Just Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters.

You're just so selectively nerdy. I never got into anything new except for music after my dad died. Oh, okay. So we're going to get into it. I don't know if you can blame that. No, I'm blaming me. It's me. I mean, that's just

people always listen to dead people music until you stop listening to dead people music. We shared Ghostbusters. Everything we shared, I was still into. And I noticed I only like sports because it was something we shared okay but we also shared music and that's the thing I

like kept up with you know did you also share pro wrestling hence the photo of the nasty boys oh yeah okay I yeah you're talking to a wrestling fan so if you really yeah like were you ever into wrestling WWE yeah no yeah no you never I mean Dusty yeah no yeah no you you never into it i mean dusty slay

one time kind of got me into it like but i can't deal with the i actually to be honest i don't understand how anybody is into it like i like i would love to be educated because here's the thing i can watch it yeah this is like interesting for kids to have different characters and like pokemon you know what i mean wrestlers are pokemon i do i see the thing is is all the all the things that people don't like about wrestling are why i kind of like it people are like oh it's fake fighting i go yeah it's choreographed really awesome fights because Because if you do... But are they awesome? Because it's so... I think so. It's more like... Sorry, we're just all watching the dog

chew it on random stuff. Just playing in the cords. She can eat the Nerf gun things. Yeah, she can eat the Nerf gun, just not the cords. She's pretty good at discerning. She... So...

Wrestling. Yeah, but like when you pick somebody up and you drop them on their head. Yes. That's the cool part, is that they're doing a so. Wrestling. Yeah. But like when you pick somebody up and you drop them on their head, that's the cool part is that they're doing a stunt. Yes. Yeah. And it's not cringe to you at all when they're like, no. And you, I did see a video of the little, a little kid going up to Hulk and be like,

listen to me, Mr. Hulkster, I'm going to tell you what's what. And he was talking just like him. Hulk did not acknowledge at all how well the kid did, which I thought was funny. And he was just like, well, I'll beat your ass idiot. He was probably just thinking about how much he loves and is in love with his own daughter. And how his son killed someone in a car accident. We just gloss over that.

His son did kill somebody. That did happen. It's kind of like when they talk, not to the point of Caitlyn Jenner, because Caitlyn Jenner also killed somebody. Yep, yep. And so did Matthew Broderick. Matthew Broderick. Matthew Broderick.

But we don't care because of celebrity status and money. Yeah. Laura Bush, George Bush Jr.'s wife. All in a car? Yeah. Car accidents. They've all vehicular manslaughtered. Oh, yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Was Broderick drunk? Who was drunk? I don't know, but that'd be a fascinating coffee table book of just celebrities that have killed people. Celebrities in cars killing people? It'd be a good

crossword puzzle clue. What's the deal with vehicular manslaughter? I mean, you have a couple beers, you run a red line, you're in one movie, you marry one famous person, and you think you can take a life. Yeah. What really is murder?

It's a very strange thing when you think about that. It's, oh, I think Vince Neil from Motley Crue. Yes. He was driving. Yes. He killed his buddy in Hanoi Rocks. Yeah. And Razzle.

Razzle. Yeah. How did he kill him? Driving a Ferrari and being drunk and wrapping it around a telephone pole. They were hammered at a party and they went to get more beer and he killed his best friend. It's got dark real quick.

Wow. And he talks about it. I mean, barely. He talks about it through cocaine and alcohol. You know? Dealing with that. Have you seen the video of... Does he still do it? Cocaine or alcohol

or kill people? I'm going to go ahead with all three. Have you seen the video of them singing Kickstart My Heart and he can't sing and he just sounds like Bob Dylan lyrics? Yeah. You know how Kickstart My Heart when it's like, whoa! Yeah! Kickstart my

heart and I don't know. So when he sings, he can't sing anymore and he goes, yeah, yeah, he does my heart when it's like, whoa! Yeah! Okay. So when he sings, he can't sing anymore and he goes, yeah, yeah, he does this a lot with the crowd, but he also goes, I win my mean of a gaga towel! It's the funniest video ever. He's like, I don't remember the lyrics either, guys. Somebody subtitled it and it truly sounds like

Drunk Bob Dylan. Yeah. I saw a version of Motley Crue. I say a version because it was Tommy on drums. Get off the cigarette. The dog is cool. The dog has an addiction. Yeah.

I saw a version of Motley Crue, and Vince wasn't singing, and someone was like, aren't you bummed out that Vince isn't singing anymore? I go, no, it's probably a better show. It's probably good now that he's not singing. Have you ever read their book, The Dirt? I did. It's amazing. I read it too. You both read Motley Crue's book?

Yeah. I read books that are not going to help you get smarter it's like Motley Crue's The Dirt it's like Jenna Jameson Diary of a Porn Star yeah Kurt Cobain Heavier Than Heaven

Please Kill Me I've read like five times you'd love Please Kill Me it's an oral history of the start of punk rock in New York City I want to read the Beastie Boys book I heard it's really long. Audio book might be the way to go. I read

Keith Richards' book, Life. That's a long one. Almost as long as his life. Why do you read books by people who aren't writers? That's always been my question. Because they get ghost writers. So they have the best stories. Because like, yeah, Tommy Lee and Vince Neil aren't writing the book.

They got this other guy. Yeah, they're not penning Motley Crue. No. The dirt. They sit down with an actual writer. And they talk. They talk about big stories. And then the writer goes, oh, and then molds it into good shit.

Oh, okay, okay. It's like if ever you see a celebrity that's not a stand-up comedian doing stand-up comedy. Somebody wrote their joke. They didn't write that. Or a child whose parents write their joke and they're all like, Trump's bad. You're like, shut up, kid. We all know we love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, yeah. Mag of train. Woo, Trump train. Woo, woo. It's all that. He's going to win again. Is he? Yes.

Biden is a fool. We got 78-year got 81 year old nightmare nikki healy would be a good candidate because the democrats don't do anything to help i i just did a joke or a tweet where it was like yeah nick saban and bill belichick are like getting kicked out of their jobs because they're 72 and that's considered too old yeah but the leader of the free world is going to be in their 80s and we're like, yeah. Yeah, dancers are being put out to pasture at 22. You got to retire, you old bag of shit. Yeah, the Jabberwockies were killed by 25.

Yeah. It's like my dad passed away at 77. Oh, my God. And I'm looking at that like, yeah, I wouldn't let him run the country. Yeah. It's 77. So this isn't yeah, I wouldn't let him run the country. Yeah. Yeah. Seventy seven. So this isn't a Republican thing. It's not a Democrat thing. It's a no people over, you know, seventy

four. Yeah. Yeah. Cut off. I think every celebrity or famous person like monumental celebrities should be killed at fifty so they don't tarnish their legacy and turn into like a fucking No, because that's part of the life cycle process

like watching Madonna not want to age Oh I've been watching the videos of her like doing the bumping and grinding on the tour and you're like, you're damn near 60 Oh yeah I know Dolly Parton did a halftime show

Thanksgiving She lives, she can live No, but like here's the thing, she did it right I know, so Dolly Parton did a halftime show Thanksgiving. She lives. She can live. No, but like, here's the thing. She did it right. She had on a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader outfit, but the stomach was not her stomach. It was like a flesh-colored leotard.

Oh, okay. And then she was walking around the stage on like six-inch heels, and she was holding on to a star. Everyone's like, oh, that's so sad. I'm like, no, that's what she needs to hold on to something. We don't want to see the elderly twerking. I think that doing it right might not be a fake belly. Maybe just a gown. She's earned a gown. She's earned a gown. Why do we have to dress like a cheerleader? I would like them to age. I think it's good for us to see what

happens to famous people when they age. That it's not all, it's cracked down to me. It kind of instructs us how to age like, oh, don't try to be the old person trying to be young. Just totally. It's OK to be 60 and be 60. And they look embalmed when they don't do it. They look prematurely embalmed. Yeah, there's there's definitely like an overdoing of the plastic surgery where you're like oh that's like if you do a little tune up maybe a little Botox a little

something fine but then when you do like the hey kids yeah I'm just like I was in 1985 oh we don't want to see that oh god kill it I wonder how much of it is like the culture that they're in like if they're just like being like you have to go to my person

and then they do you know what I mean if it's like that also it's addictive in a way that it is like the culture that they're in like if they're just like being like you have to go to my person and then they do you know what I mean if it's like that and also it's addictive in a way that it's like dog walking for comics where it's like just dog walk me listen the hours are great you walk them during the day and then at night just go just go to Branson Missouri yeah have a

theater yeah play the hits you still get your rocks off yeah I think they they keep getting surgeries because it's never the idealized version of what they think it'll be yeah and so it's this thing of like oh well i need to improve the thing that they didn't fix on the last one or uh yes yes yes yeah totally and then oh they fucked up my nose so now i have to redo the nose and then while they redid the nose they fucked up my cheekbones i was I have to redo the nose. And then while they redid the nose, they fucked up my cheekbones. I was just with a gal who got fake tits, and her areola was huge, and her nipple was flat.

And I'm sucking on her tits going, you feel that? Does that work? Who is this? And a girl from Tampa. Well, that was your first problem. She said she used to get her tits redone. Where did you meet her? At what strip club in Tampa?

No. At a bar called McNasty's. Okay. When you meet a lady at McNasty's. And she was friends with a guy named Uncle Laser. I know Uncle Laser. Yeah. And he told me to watch it with her because she's legitimately insane.

When Uncle Laser gives you warnings, that's a sign. When a man named Uncle Laser tells you that a bitch should be tripping, you might want to be. Only sucked titties and made out and said, I'm not having sex with you because from the ride she was driving from the venue to Tampa, she disclosed a lot of information to me that wished I could get out at a red light. You got in a car with this woman? She's so hot. Was she? Oh, my God. Really? Holy fuck.

Let me see. Whenever I hear stories like this, I just go, thank God. Really? Holy fuck. Let me see. Whenever I hear stories like this, I just go, thank God I'm married. People are like, don't you want to be single? And I go, no. That sucks. That kind of adventure does not sound fun to me. It doesn't sound fun at all. I got off stage

and she goes, you're really funny. You want to go home with me? And I was like, and then you got in the car with her. That's the problem. You say, no, you drive home. You're wrong. You need an escape route, sir. Bro.

You need an escape route. It was like legitimately like, I'm crazy. I faked a pregnancy. I, my ex-boyfriend lied to me and I talked to the DEA and went undercover and bought blah, blah, blah to get him in jail. And I'm like oh my God. What are you doing? I can fix her Brad.

What is the appeal to this? I go hey you tell me brother. I mean yeah that's a nice filter. No don't make fun of her man. She's a gorgeous person. She's probably wonderful. She's probably gorgeous. She plays the piano really well.

With the areolas? You should hear her play chopsticks with her areola. No, she's a wonderfully gorgeous woman, and I get it. But see, that's when, man, that's just when you just stop and go, you know what? I'm going to go jerk off to your Instagram. And that's what I said. And go to bed. I didn't say I'm going to do that, but I said, I'm not going to have

sex with you because I am also trying to not be that guy, but it was very hard not to. Sure, it was hard. Yes, and when she played the piano in front of me, I did get a hard on to say, this is nice. And I said,

I can't have sex with you because I'm at a place now where all of you're like, I said, you're a legitimately insane person and all of this, we would trauma bond and I would fucking fall in love with you and it's not real love

and I know if we did this, I'd be in a bad way. So I don't want to do this, but I can be available to you as a friend. And so she drove me to the airport and I kept it at an arm's length. And I'm really proud of myself for that. Well, I mean, that's...

You kept it at a mouth to the titty length. Yeah. I ain't going to not suck a titty, brother. Especially when she goes... She can't even feel it. Well, we had to figure it out. And especially when she goes, I had breast surgery and they messed up. And I go, you want to see?

You got to see. You got to see. I want to see. And then in bed, her cats are making noises and she goes, I love cats but I hate when they make noise. I don't like hearing them eat. I don't like hearing them meow. Her apartment was decorated like Patrick Bateman's.

She is... That's really scary. She is from the airport. She's an airport signaling you with red flags, and you're just, like, plowing right through it. No, I'm not. If I was plowing right through it... I don't like the sound that cats make. I know.

I don't think I've ever heard anything scarier than that. Dude. Even I Want to Kill You, I Wish You Were Dead, it's not as scary as I don't like the sound of cats making. I know, and guess what? When she said that, I said, you know what? I am going to put on pants now. Good. And I... That's good. Why wear your know what? I am going to put on pants now. Good.

That's good. Why wear your pants off? Well, because all the talk of death and killing made him hard. I thought you were doing arm slaying. You can't suck dinner plate areolas pants off. You know, my grandma gave me the same advice.

And also, I tried to make a joke where I was like, this is a good piece of pepperoni. She didn't laugh. And in bed, we're talking to get to know each other. And she said, yeah, we don't really have anything in common. Why would she laugh at that? You're talking about her nipples.

Because I was trying to make her laugh at what was upsetting. If some woman started to blow you and yelled out, step into a slim gym you wouldn't laugh or maybe you would she's about to pay 10k to get her nipples fixed and you're like well get on you because these are jelly meat i was kidding i i was like no i'm i'm joking i'm trying to make you laugh they're really great all right so so here's back when i was single my whole thing was like i would be suspect of any woman that even wanted to sleep with me like like if a good looking attractive woman wanted to sleep with me. If a good-looking

attractive woman wanted to sleep with me, I'd be like, alright, you've probably got some issues. Because if you're as hot as you are and you're looking at me like, that's something I want to do. Her mom is in jail for murder! Alright! Once again! Why are you doing that?

I made out with her and went to her place and found all of this stuff out in transit from one place to another. So I kept it cool. I didn't have sex. And now there's no talky talk. What would Butterly have done?

I need to call my wife right now. You know what Butterly would have done? The night before we met, I took her to her car. We made out and I was like, why don't you stay at the hotel? And she's like, no, I have to get up. And then she grabbed me and kissed me again. And I go, you sure you don't want to stay? And she goes, no, I have to, I have this to do. And I kiss her. She kissed me again. And she goes, maybe I could. I go, why don't you? And she goes, well, no, because this, and I go, okay, fine. Hey, respect. And then she leaves, text me. If you would ask me one more time, I would have come back and let you do anal. And I'm like, oh my God. And I'm with Butterly. We're

about to go to the beach. So I FaceTime her. I'm in my hotel room. I'm FaceTiming and he's behind the phone going, tell her you'll, you'll tell her what you're going to do. And I go, if you turn around, I'll eat your ass. And she goes, yeah, what else? And he goes, tell her you'll you'll tell her what you're gonna do and i go if you turn around i'll eat your ass and she goes yeah what else and he goes tell her you'll you'll fucking good and i'm like oh fuck you good so she goes okay i'm turning around right i go oh my god butterly you're the best facetime wingman i've ever had in my life i love you brother and then i'm waiting outside 45 minutes later she's not there i call her I go hey where are you she goes I'm in my bed I go what

she goes yeah I go you said you were coming over she goes I was joking I was being sarcastic and I go you don't know what sarcasm is you lied lying is not sarcasm no she's a hot woman who went okay I'm turning around that's what I said I said you're so hot you've never dealt with someone

you've never had to develop a knowing of words or personality. And I'm a fucking king. I'll go and I know how to tap dance with my words. You just heard what you wanted to hear, which was, I'm turning around. And I guarantee you, she was like, okay, I'm turning around. You're gonna eat my ass. And then you thought,

all right. She didn't go, okay, I'm turning around. Do you want to get your life together? Yes. And I'm on the path, which is why I didn't go, okay, I'm turning around. Do you want to get your life together? Yes, and I'm on the path, which is why I didn't pursue it and do the things she wanted, and I left the situation. Why is no one seeing that I did the right thing? And I told you the night before.

So glad I'm married. I told you the night before on the second night, that girl... What do you mean? Oh, what a bitch. She wanted you to shower. Fuck you! I'm actively trying not to do the things that I used to do.

Get him. Shower? Get him. Get him. I love talking to you. This is why my this is like why, why my wife watches like dating reality shows to make her feel better about her marriage.

I love glad I can help. Like she, like she watches 90 day fiance and then just turns to me and goes, I love you so much. I'm like, hell yeah. That's how I feel. As soon as I walk outside this apartment,

I walk up to strangers and I'm like, come here. What do you have a wristwatch on? You have somewhere to be? You're busy. You have a life. Come here. I hear your stories of being single and man, I'm just like, good. I'm going to marry my wife again. I'm going to go. Going to renew the vows. That's beautiful. And I'm glad I've helped. Did you go home feeling good about it?

Absolutely. Really? Yes. Really? Yes. Because for you, that was a step in the right direction. That was a step in the right direction. Okay. Seeing the red flags and avoiding it rather than going, ah, whatever, this will be fun.

Because I'm working on not just getting feeling good in a moment. I want to feel good in an elongated thing. And I usually go for sex to just, I just want to feel good. And it never feels good. This podcast sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp. They're not a good help place.

Get a free therapy session. They mine your information. Using promo code Red Flag. Yes, we got asked to advertise BetterHelp. And I said, no, because they're a sham. Really? I've got values. Are they a sham? What do they mine your information for? Yeah, and they're a sham. Really? I've got values. Are they a sham?

What do they get my information for? Yeah, and they're not good. Whenever you take off your hat, I think you're a guess who character. Does your person have a mustache? Yes. Click, click, click, click, click. The entire time I was with her,

I wore a hat because she was so hot and I was nervous she wouldn't like my hairline. I didn't take my hat off until here in the dark. You're a tiny man. I'm glad I could never do that with my dwarfism. I'm glad I could never just like... Go get a phone book. I'm glad I could never

hide the dwarfism until the very last minute. That would have been very bad. So you think when people hook up with you it's a fetishy thing? I've definitely had those in my past. Absolutely. But comedians get pussy no matter what, except for females. Yeah. There was probably the mixture of funny and fetish was probably at play for most of my hookups on the road.

How did that feel? But I feel like that. Yeah. It felt great. I got women that were way too hot for me back in my single days, you know, so it felt it felt amazing. But now. Was there a line where you were like, enough of this? Enough of the fetish pussy?

Yes. Enough of people asking if they can spin me around on their butts? Yeah. That was an interesting one. Enough of getting another man to throw me onto her pussy while she spun around. Yeah. When I was in Columbia, Missouri, and a girl was like, come to the house party. I want to like show you off at like after the show.

And then she's like, show you off. Yeah. And then she's like, and then we'll go up and we'll bang. I'm like, hell yeah. So I go and I show up. And when I get there, she is just way too drunk. Just way just where it's like this is not. No.

So and this is like before Uber. And she had told me she was going to take me to the airport to get my flight home. I'm like, oh, shit. I don't have a ride to the airport. I'm trying to call taxi companies and tax companies are like, no, you're too far out. I had to call the opening act, wake him up, and be like, hey, I'm out. And he had to come get me, take me in my bags to the airport. My non-having, like, I didn't get laid that night at all.

And then we go to the airport. My non-drained dick had to get in the car. Is that what you were trying to say? You were like, man, my giant balls. My fully filled set of balls. And at that point, when I'm calling the opening act at like 3 o'clock in the morning to try to get to the airport on time,

barely made my flight, I was like, I need to get my shit together. And that was... And then you met your wife? Yeah, on an app for people trying to have threesomes. Really? No way. What app is that

for just not knowledge that's not mine? Field, F-E-E-L-D. I was on that. I didn't like it. Everything is like an abbreviation. It's like.

Is that coffee? Yeah. Can I have that to get on your level? Sure. You'll never get on this level, by the way. It's like.

I just chugged espresso and so many today and I can't even close. Your feet rise up. Like, I went to Pilates today and you do movements that they demand that you do. You levitate. Good. My osteopath said I need to do Pilates.

Really? Do you want me to join you? A what-a-pest? An osteopath? What is that? For my back? Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. But anyway, what are we talking about? Oh. Field. Field, yes. But anyway, what are we talking about? Oh, field. Field, yes.

Everything's like, I'm an MMF with a DMZ, and I am a non-binary earring into phone sex, but not eye contact or meeting in real life. It's very specific. Dude, it's crazy. So I made my profile say, and it's like, if you are not for Palestine but against BLM and into democratic DSA blah blah so I made my profile say I vote like I come early still didn't get it yeah uh I I made a pretty basic profile and matched with two women we're all gonna go on a date together

uh one of the women didn't show up on the date. Went on a date with just the other woman and two years of the day of that date, I proposed to her and now we've been married for six years. We've got a four-year-old together. It's crazy. Bro, that's beautiful. Happily ever after with alternative lifestyle dating apps. I love that. Do you think other people have

that experience? I hope so. I hope so. It depends on... I think why my wife and i work is because we were both on the dating app to just have fun we were just trying to have fun yeah literally on that first date we're like ah shit yeah you're good yeah you're i like you i want to see you again yeah it's not a one-off it was very unfortunate question yeah you don't go on dates i've been going on a lot of dates and I've been leaving them halfway through when I realized this isn't for me, which is a step up for me. Not the pirate. Based on what you

just told me. What the fuck do they say that makes you stand up and leave the table? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? They get wheeled in on the Hannibal Lecter thing. You're like, no. They walk in and go, I don't really like sucking dick. Then you just walk out. One of them, we've talked about on the podcast before, but he was a gay pirate. Thought he was a pirate

and would only speak to me in poems. You know, like Jeff Leach. He was like, Jeff Leach, but Mexican. So he's up there like, later on we're going to go back to the apartment and storm the seven seas.

I'll shiver your timbers. That's actually what he sounds like. That's what I sound like. Too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wore frilly shirts and velvet gloves. I am going to invade the poop deck. And you're like, nope.

I invade the poop deck. Look at me. I am the captain now. Yeah, power top. I get it. Yeah. Look at me. I am the captain now. Yeah, power top. I get it. I invade the poop deck. Yeah, I get it. I'm going to squeeze under the poop deck.

Yeah. I'm going to make ye walk the plank of my dick. So that was the line for you. I tried. That was the line for you. Yeah, and then I went on a date with another girl that, you know, it just wasn't really the way it was when we were texting. And there was a lot of.

She was too nice. Not. She wasn't a man. She had a loving relationship with her father. You're like, can't do this. Oh, no. Get out of here, lady. And halfway through, I was like, hey, I, you know, I actually have a spot.

Hey, I, you know, I actually have a spot. I have a spot and, um, you know, I have to go, but I'll walk you to the train, blah, blah, blah. And you know, which is good because I'm putting up a boundary because what I used to do is I'd still go hang out with them and have sex thinking that I had to do that to not reject them or whatever. Like, I guess we have to do this and And then I wouldn't want to do it. Yeah. I stay in touch with a lot of people I've had sex with or go on dates with.

That's very unfortunate for them. You stay in touch. You still up. Stay in touch physically. I still stay in touch. I always ended up going on dates with people and then ended up hiring them. Hiring them. Yeah.

Cause I used to be a contractor. Relax. And then... Relax, dude. When you said hire them, I was like I'm going to... I think you and I were going to the same spots. Did you go to that spot? Were you going to... I would hire them to do like metal work or outsource jobs.

They'd be like, I do carpentry. I'd be like, really? All of a sudden a hard hat appears on my head and I'm like, I'm going to need you on the 15th. She'd subcontract work out with her pussy carpentry. I'd be like, really? All of a sudden, a hard hat appears on my head, and I'm like, I'm going to need you on the 15th to the 17th. She'd subcontract work out with her pussy. Yeah. Well done. I mean, so, like, literally the job interview was, hey, fill this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, totally. Yeah. Initial here and here. Yeah, there are a lot of OSHA violations. Pretty sure your contracting company doesn't have an HR department Because that might be a violation That's what I call my vagina Introduce you to OSHA

Do you have a forklift license? No I'm glad you call your pussy OSHA and not HR Let me see your CDL before you ride this ride And you're bad, you gotta go see it They just sit down at the date night and start going, beep, beep, beep. See, this is...

Grab your harness, Felipe. This is what I need in my life. A puppy play. I need more single stories to make me go, thank God I'm married. Oh, I'll give you a ton. I'm going to die alone.

Me too. Oh, great. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Hey, what's up, everybody? I am here to tell you about Factory. You've got stuff to do. You don't want to spend your whole day

fighting and, well, that says figuring out what to eat, going to the grocery store, fighting the urge to do other stuff. You got long lines cooking and doing dishes. Let Factory handle that for you. They're ready to eat meal delivery. Chef prepared, dietician approved meals straight to your door. Yeah, it's true. We love Factor here. And I have been eating

bad food because it's not good because I have been too busy to cook and I need stuff to cook. And I have been having the thought. I ate a pork chop the other night and I was like, dude, what if I started cooking pork chops again? I'm like, what am I going to do? Sit and... Factor is going to help. Factor is...

Head to factormeals.com slash ska50, S-K-A-5-0, and use code S-K-A-5-0 to get 50% off. It's easy to remember. S-K-A-50. That's code S-K-A-50 at factormeals.com slash S-K-A-50 to get 50% off. It's easy to remember. Ska50. That's code Ska50 at factormeals.com slash Ska50 to get 50% off. Let's get back to the show.

By the way, I'm sure this is somebody's bit, so I'm probably stepping on it, but what's the whole thing of like, oh, I want to meet someone so I don't die alone. Like, I want someone who not that long ago saw someone who they very much cared about die in front of them.

Yeah. In front? My dad. You know, I was there in the room. Dead dad? Yeah, dead dad. Dead dad club.

All right, dead dad club. Cheers, everybody. Look at this. Cheers to the dads. I bet your dad's dead. When we talk about our dead dad, we put our heads together.

If you want to do that, we can do that. The three heads together? Yeah, yeah. I to do that we can do that the three heads together hey yeah i think that's gonna be a new kink it feels good if you let you share thoughts of it i think you holding the puppy is gonna get some kinks off that'll probably be a new category on pornhub tomorrow new field profile yeah absolutely um no it's not about dying alone it's for women at least it's about getting too old to be with, find somebody. That's how I feel. Okay.

It's like, I have about eight years before I turn into even more of a crusty bunion. So it's like, yeah. Cause so like men, men can find someone younger or whatever at any age, whatever.

But like a woman hits that and now it's, it's now almost like you've crossed the threshold and it's like, nope. Now you're, now you're single independently. Like the rest of your life. That's what you're going to be. What's up? Cryptkeeper. you're single independent lady. Like the rest of your life. What's up, Crypt Keeper?

You back up on me? Whereas dudes could be George Clooney and be a bachelor until they're like 55. Or even not even George Clooney. I mean, look at Lenny Marcus. He's got the hottest wife ever. Yeah. You also never know what life has in store, you know? No, it's a bad way to think.

The time running out thing. Well, my ex used that against me. I told you last week we met up and she was like, yeah, but you need someone to like help you out when you need your diapers changed. And I could take care of you if you are with me and I trap you in this idea of me taking care of you when you decrepitly fall apart, which you kind of are already

because you have to see an osteopath every couple of months and take cortisone shots in your spine because of your chronic epididymitis. Sure. Epididymitis sounds like a first round draft pick. I just want to give you one tab of Adderall. Just dose you with it. And I just feel like you'll just get everything together.

If you could just get your brain to focus. Sometimes when we go on tangents about anything that isn't like a rocket launcher being stuffed up somebody's ass i see you lose attention span and i think if we just dosed you even a little what are you talking about i just really think that's all you need i don't i think you could wipe your own ass if you just had a little bit of attention what fucking world are you living i don't understand a thing what you just said i know so the whole goal is for him to wipe his own ass? Well, because... Hey, you and I have that in common. His ex was like, I'll come and... Because what happened to my head is...

Small arms, can't reach shit. The ex will come... She says you're falling apart, but I think you could really pull yourself together if you just... Well, can I tell you, this weekend was so transformative. We went down to Tampa for a great comedy festival,

Sunshine Comedy Fest. You went into the ocean. I went into the Gulf of Mexico at 4 a.m. with some friends. We were all in our underwear. You lived. Congratulations. Did you suck the titties after or before that? Different girl, different titties. After. So I go

I am leaving behind my negativity and my bad month and my prior things and I am washing myself anew with the help of Jesus Christ the one Lord and Savior, the right one Yeah, screw you, Buddha. Yeah.

And I absolved myself of these feelings and I dipped under the water and I came out and I swear to God, I felt better ever since. So you baptized yourself. I did. I did. Honestly, I feel...

In the waters of Tampa. Yes. I spoke to the universe. You grew a mullet that day. And then what happened? And now what? And then I bought a fucking gator tooth necklace for $5 at 7-Eleven and feel even better. And I realized I can be friends with my ex.

You have so many toys around your neck right now. Look down at your neck. You bathed in the waters of Tampa, Florida. You have a gator tooth around your neck. You got the mustache, the backwards hat. You're voting for DeSantis. No, Vivek. I'm writing him in.

You're writing in Vivek? No, I write in Bernie every year, but it never works. Never? Ah, bummer. That's a waste of a vote. But, yeah, I feel like you... I've had some crazy Tampa stories, and I feel like I'm not even touching your Tampa stories.

Thank you. It's well done. He went in the ocean. Don't be fooled. He went in the ocean and then bought a necklace at 7-Eleven. He's tricking you with his big eyes going, and then I went underwater and I absolved myself. No, he went in the ocean,

and then he made people take pictures of him. Yeah, I also ate sopracet off a woman's chest. Yeah. That was her nippleet off a woman's chest. Yeah. That was her nipple, not sopresset. He had an old Boboli pizza. Yeah, and I can take something and make it into an experience and find meaning in things, which is what I did. And I learned I thought I couldn't be with my ex

because I'd be like, I don't want a relationship. If I was in a relationship, I wouldn't have the weekend I had. Oh, I see. It helped with that. Yes. Because you went into that weekend. I know. And you held my hand and helped me.

You and Nicole. So I now. What? I didn't hold his hand. I tried. She said no. Okay. And I can now be your friend because I understand what I want and need.

And that's great. What do you need? This little pink belly. I need a pink belly. I mean. Is your belly pink? What color your belly? It's a little white belly.

Look at that. I like how I tried to flex. Look at that. I just got a little cave in right there. I tried to be like, all right, Brad, you're going to show it on the screen. No, I just didn't want to like,

have it be just like flop out. A little belly? Although fat dwarves are adorable. Yeah. We're adorable. That's the thing. You do everything in a smaller scale. It just becomes cute.

Yeah. Pretty great. Do you have small things? Wait. What are we talking about now? Oh, sorry. Do you have a mini phone? Do you have mini things?

No. It's an average size phone that looks like an iPad when I hold it. Nice. It's like, whoa. Do you have a mini phone? Do you have mini things? No, it's an average size phone that looks like an iPad when I hold it. Nice. He's like, whoa. Do you have mini things? Look at Brad with that tablet. It's like, no, it's just a normal phone. How would he text on a mini phone with those sausage fingers?

Well, you know, they make the small ones. My life is just those TikToks where a dwarf throws a giant pizza at you and then it comes and it's a bagel bite. Yes. That's my whole life. Yo, have you seen or heard about the curious case of Natalia Grace? I'm watching it literally right now. Bro. Yeah.

Have you heard of this? Yeah, I watched it. Did you? Yeah. What are your takes on it? I haven't finished the second season yet. I'm all right. I'm only four episodes in.

But what's your take? But I can tell you four episodes in. What's your take note? I can tell you four episodes in. By the way, this is a great show. It's a fantastic show. The dad is wild. The worst human being. Truly overdramatic theater. Don't you want to beat this shit out of him?

Yes. Wait until he meets her face to face and see what happens. His reaction where he's like, give me a second to do it. Do you want to beat the shit out of him? Yes. Wait till he meets her face to face and see what happens. I saw that. With Antoine. His reaction where he's like, well, give me a second to do it. Yeah. With that. Yeah.

Antoine sucks too. Yeah. They all suck. They all suck. They failed this girl. But also at the same time, it gets to the point where she's just repeating the same thing. Like, I was just a kid.

Yeah. And you're like, yes. Well, that's the producers milk the shit out of that. They milked the fuck out of this. Well, and for me, just, uh,

uh, whenever, like in the first few episodes where the dad is talking about, like, and then we brought her to several psychologists and they said, Oh, your daughter, your daughter is a,

is a sociopath and she's psychotic and she's going to kill you in your sleep. Goodbye. That's not what mental health professionals do. No literally no one if if someone is a threat to you and your family that they see there's i i forget the terminology but they but they literally call certain certain authorities 5150 yeah thank you 5150 uh, uh, later he goes, yeah, we took her to the mental health hospital and she was in with the adults just at, uh, she was coming on to him.

It's like, they don't put the kids with the adults. They put her with the adults because they were tricking people into thinking she was 22 when she was nine. That boy's dick out. Cause she was just a little kid. We were doing that all the time. And putting it in our mouths underneath the bathroom stall in second grade.

And the sad thing is, overactive sexual behavior in children is a sign of sexual abuse. So I can only imagine the abuse she faced and she was acting out. It's such a telltale sign that this girl was abused and everyone... Didn't they show that the dad was

doing anything? I don't know. The dad was just dramatically dude can i spoil something for you oh i'll still watch it when when he meets her for the first time she goes why are you here she's always yelling by the way she's always like to be fair dwarves dwarves overcompensate we yell yeah oh see he saw you yelling he's's like, I need to help him. I need to calm him down. Are you going to pierce my ear? She goes, why are you here? Why did you not do anything? And he goes, you and I were both victims of abuse from a monster.

And she goes, how are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, you? Yeah, and then Antoine's like, he goes, I was through hell with her. And Anton goes, we're not going to cuss. And then Michael goes, no, I'm done. Forget it. No. And then he pulls off and is like Corvette.

Yeah. Everything with the dad is so, like, he couldn't take an Uber ride without it being an ordeal. He is a nightmare. Yeah. He's a certain type of, I was to my gay man about it and i was like is he is he autistic like what is the thing and she was like no he just is in a performance at all he's a narcissist yeah histrionic personality disorder probably yeah histrionic and histrionic is who else is histrionic who's an example of that lisa diaz jake flores okay

they're they're just certain and i would uh i would this would be a red flag for me when i was single like if you just go out to dinner with someone and they can't like order food without getting like a fight with the waitress like it's just like oh everything's like this for you yes yes everything is a big deal lights camera everything is a problem everything's a big drama i'm dramatic action. Everything is a problem. Are you a little histrionic? No, I'm dramatic for sure. You're a ham. But that's just like, I'm a ham, I'm dramatic. And I think that's part of like.

No, you're not dramatic. Oh, thank you. You're a attention whore. So, so comedian? Yeah, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do notice when my feminine side comes out a lot. Cause like, especially with my hands, because like

I'll go from like, in one instance, I'm like a hardcore dude that'll like bust your head in, and then the other, I'm like a postnatal mother. Listen, sometimes I gotta crack skulls, and I don't want you to be tricked by my, the whole last episode we had

was him being like, eh, well, back to my muscles and my dick and bones. I am a strong man. I don't, don't get confused. No, my effeminity. See, my effeminity comes out sometimes. That's just Italian. And yeah, yeah.

And I, I'm a little dramatic. I don't think I'm an attention whore. I'm an attention whore. Yeah. But I'm not histrionic. No, but I was just wondering what the difference is. But I'm not histrionic. No. But I was just wondering what the difference is. But this guy is, there's something really, it's intense how fucked up this man is.

Yeah. And now the thing is, whenever anything dwarf related happens in the news, my inbox is flooded. Really? Yeah. So anything dwarf related, I get sent every story. Of course. Yeah. So they're like, what's your comment on this? What do you think? And sometimes I'm just like, I'm done with the dwarf related, I get sent every story. Of course. Yeah. So they're like, what's your comment on this?

What do you think? And sometimes I'm just like, I'm done with the dwarf stories, guys. That's crazy. What do they want you to do? You represent them? Yeah. I'll represent them. But yeah.

You didn't know I could do that voice, did you? Yeah, we could all do it. It's part of the DNA.na i just it's a really good linking represent to that um i guess you have all of those jokes on deck though oh yeah they're just ready to go um yeah like they because for a lot for a lot of people they don't have a little person friend or uh someone that they know so like i'm the reference point so they send it to me and be like okay you're the only dwarf I know. And we man's not answering his DMs.

And all the Oompa Loompas have died. Yeah. Now they're all being played by Hugh Grant. Motherfucker. Did Hugh Grant play the Oompa Loompas in the new one? Yeah, in the new Wonka movie. What? Hugh Grant plays the Oompa Loompa.

Why? Because, I don't know, dwarves playing dwarves is offensive. Is it? There there no dwarves in it? So you have Hugh Grant just be like, I'm so sorry. I'm just and then like you just have him doing his Hugh Grant-ness.

Why he drives away with a black hooker in his car. Did he do that? Really? Yeah, she was so hot I jerked off to her. Her name was Black Licorice in the movie. It's a Wonka candy. I want to blowjob down. Did they make him small?

Yeah. They did? In the movie, he's small. Digitally shrunk him down. Why didn't they have just dwarves? Well, in the Johnny Depp one, they use that one repeat of that one Indian guy. Deep Roy. He's an actor named Deep Roy.

And then. That was funny. He was great. Yeah. For this one. Yeah. CGI Hugh Grant. That's fucked up.

Yeah. So that's why I'm really glad that I'm a comedian because I can just keep working on my own. I don't have to rely on a casting director being like, hmm, which diversity quotient will we fill today? Bro, the whole fucking strike thing. I really feel for my friends that were like, instead of building an audience with standup, I'm going to pivot and just get a writing job and think that that'll be a viable thing forever. And then they couldn't fill seats and like, you know, the road didn't really work out and they were just out of work for so long. Yeah. No, uh, I'm thankful every day for to be a

comedian and to have the people that come see me on tour like every time i'm looking out there i'm like oh my god i know bought tickets dude they got they got a babysitter the first time we did a live podcast on the road we we filled out helium philly hell yeah which is where i did my first open mic ever and we were on stage and I started to tear up, but I couldn't tell anyone because when I'm vulnerable with her, she calls me gay. Me? Yeah, it is gay. You made out with...

Who? Oh, Shayner. Me and Shayner kissed. Sure, why not? Hard. Stevie Weeby spit my ass. Yeah, that was weird. There's just going to be a name tally behind you of all the people made out with spit in the ass, rim jobs. I've only let one person spit in my mouth. It's Jeremiah Watkins.

He's done it twice. Yeah. Jeremiah. Yeah. You want to do it again? No. I didn't test. Anyway, why were you tearing up?

Why are we talking about that? Because people came out to see us and dig the thing that we do. And it was just like, so especially coming back to Philly where I started. Especially being back home. Yeah. It was such like a moment. And I almost like, I like zoned out. And I specifically remember looking out when they were just laughing at us talking.

I went like, oh my god. This is surreal. You almost Michaeled? The dad from the dwarf show? Oh. You don't know what that woman has done to me.

Yeah, and then I go, I got addicted to a wee bit of pornography. So awful. It's really awful. I want to see the porn he was addicted to. Man, it's. Naturally, I became obsessed with pornography. Why did he even say that?

There was no reason to say any of that. Yeah. He's doing stuff in that show. me it reminds me of that so there's one time i was on stage and i and i did some joke i forgot it but like the punch line was because she was a drunk whore yeah or whatever and then some woman on the side of the stage yelled out hey fuck you and i was like well what Is she here? She's like, that's fucked up. I'm like, to who? Drunk whores? Are you defending drunk whores? By the way, no one was thinking about you

until you yelled out. And now we're all thinking, you're a drunk whore. So it's like, when he's saying something like, oh, so naturally I became addicted to pornography, we're like, you didn't have to say that. Yeah. You would not have assumed didn't have to say that. Yeah. Yeah.

It's unnecessary information until you just kind of laid it all out there. Yeah. It's but there is a nice moment and I'm it means because I'm getting older. But now when I'm on stage, I do like to stop and kind of look at the audience and go like, holy shit. Holy shit. I actually did it. You know? Yeah. Start with open mics

as we all did and then work way up. You play whatever rooms for no money and then you kind of, and then you start doing clubs and your crowds slowly start coming in. You start finding your audience. Now I'm starting to do theaters and you get the theater audiences. I'm just like, holy shit. You paid for parking

to see me. You planned and got a babysitter. Yeah, it's crazy. You paid for parking to see me. Yeah. That's crazy. You planned and got a babysitter. Yeah. Like, this is your night. Yeah. Paid for parking is intense. That's nuts.

I never think about that. That's so funny. The next level of making it, for me personally, is if I ever show up to a show and there's a guy selling bootleg Brad Williams t-shirts outside of the show, that's when I know, like, I fucking arrived. That's a good time. We saw a guy in Tampa who had a bootleg Beanie and Jordan shirt from China.

I don't know if that counts. Does that count? It might just be a Chinese website that you can just put anything on. Yeah, maybe. You mean there's not someone in Wuhan listening to the podcast right now? You guys are real big in Wuhan.

I don't know if you've seen the numbers. You guys are killing it in Wuhan. They're a big fan of the tchotchkes. They made most of them. The episodes come out early. They call it a lab leak. That's how COVID started. I'm trying to think about how I would think that I made it.

Yeah. Well, what would be your time where you're like, Holy shit, I did this thing. I would like, Hmm. What would be the thing?

Would it be like, uh, uh, your parents introducing their friends to your comedy or do they already do that? They already do that. That was step one. Yeah, that's a big step. Making it would be somebody who would go get me what I needed.

Oh. So like. That would be so nice. So an assistant. Being a cunt. Yeah, just being able to be like, like maybe just getting my rider met. You know what I mean? Which is just Diet Cokes and Red Bull. But maybe just getting that. I you know what i mean which is just diet cokes and

red bull but maybe just getting that i would really feel like i'd made it yeah my riders i could smoke in the green room and have iced coffee and a lot of clubs let me do it that's nice it it's funny because like getting a rider because you have to like all right what would you like you're like i don't know what am i allowed to say like yeah yeah like you you you're like, I don't know. What am I allowed to say? Yeah. Like you, you, you say like, Oh, like if I had lavender candles,

is that too much? I think, I think I, my definition would be, um, uh, selling out a weekend before I get to the town and have to live in fear. Could you imagine a life that would be?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty nice. Getting there and not having to be like Saturday night tickets please buy them I'm selling like dude I'm very happy incrementally I'm selling more sometimes I'll sell out four or five or

you know two or four or whatever hit some bonuses man yes dude oh my god in Philly I hit bonuses I'm so fucking happy thank god I got my new tires well done oh that's nice good yeah all season all four of them too wow you didn't do the thing where you bought

two at once I've bought one at once I've done a one at once if I peel out it'll just rotate you leave the lot just doing a donut not accidental

that would be my definition of selling out before I go to the town and not having to show up and go how are tickets I'm sorry if they're banned oh my god not walking through the doors with your tail between your legs going like this and they're like hi what's up and I'm like

am I sorry and they're like you're a little sorry on Friday and I'm like I'm sorry for Friday it's like Friday early show great Friday late show 28 tickets I will say I met someone in Tampa who was like you had a weekend in Tampa my god they go yeah man I had a weekend and what do you know the kitchen staff and everyone there got COVID and they canceled the weekend. And I go, really? How well did you sell? They go, maybe like 75 tickets throughout the whole weekend. And I go, they didn't have COVID. Someone's lying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I've had that happen where they just come out and they, not the whole weekend, but they just come out and go. The combined shows. Yeah, we're just not going to do a friday late yeah we're we're we're going to call the 28 people yeah and tell them to fit in with the 75 people from the early show yeah and together we'll have 120 people in a 500 seat room and you'll still feel like shit yeah yeah yeah yeah yep yep i know i wish you know we've never uh gotten curtains before The good news is The 28 people afforded us An ability to put curtains From the third row back

Especially like If it's a helium comedy club where you got started Or A club where you've been there multiple times When you see the difference And when you see now the room filling up That's what happened to me at Philly Punchline They fucking

Pulled the curtain back for three shows. And, and last year I was like, I just want them to move that curtain. Yeah. And they did. And I felt so fucking happy. Yeah.

That rules. That's a hard one to fill. So nice. Hold on, hold on to that thought. Cause at some point you'll be in Calgary next week and haven't sold. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. But I'm just saying, I, at some point you'll, you'll, you'll be doing theaters and there'll be in Calgary next week and haven't sold? Oh, sorry. But I'm just saying, at some point, you'll be doing theaters and they'll be like, you're 78 tickets away from a sellout. And you're like, but that's still over 1,000 seats. So just remember that. Remember that thought that you're having right now. No, for sure.

I really try to. And also, I just want to go back to, like, what is your definition of success? This is going to be, like, cheesy. I really try to. And also, I just want to go back to what is your definition of success? This is going to be cheesy. I know you know what's coming, but... There's no need for it. Go ahead. I haven't heard it yet.

We get to sit on this couch and just laugh and have fun. With a sleeping dog. And you have histrionics. I love history. So what? And it, that's successful. You know, I get to ride my bike to the best comedy club in the world and do what I love at night.

And that's amazing. Yeah. No, like that's, and I'm sober. That to me is a huge success. Every day. I don't drink.

That to me is like such a fucking success, but I, I can also like sober. I just lost a bet. Yeah. Damn it. All right. It's all up here.

All right. Mark Norman, I owe you money. Yeah. What do you say? What do you say? Comedy. That's what he said. No, no.

You're going to go over and it's going to seem blast. I remember first realizing you weren't on Coke and my mind was blown. Artie, that's the other person where you're like, he must be on coke. And then you find out you're sober and you're like, he's more of a broken person than I thought. Yeah, but I'm not wearing three piece suits past midnight. That's crazy.

You sounded like that's how you summon the gremlin. If you wear a three piece suit after midnight, he shows up. That's so reasonable to wear a three piecepiece suit after midnight, he shows up. That's so reasonable to wear a three-piece suit. Suit. Suit. You wear slippers. And so can my own heart.

Your speech impediment came out right there. Yeah. It is cute sometimes. You can hear a speech impediment, and it's really nice. Hey. Hey. You're a dwarf. Yes.

And a stutterer. So we have a speech impediment. Are you a stutterer? No fair. That sucks. Really? Yeah. And mine was caused. Traer? No fair. That sucks. Really? Yeah. And mine was caused.

Trauma? Kind of. So I didn't realize this until I saw the movie The King's Speech. And they talked about this in the movie The King's Speech. So I was born left-handed. And my parents thought that was kind of strange. So they switched me. They forced me to go to right-handed.

Are you Italian? I'm not Italian. That's a very Italian thing. And then that, I found out watching the movie The King's Speech, that can sometimes trigger a stutter. And it did. Really? I had to go to speech therapy for years.

And then I look back and go, Mom, Dad, why'd you make me switch hands? They're like, we just thought it's weird to be left-handed. Kids might make fun of you. And I'm like, there's a few other things they would have gotten to first yeah no one's looking at me going lefty like no one no one would do that that's so funny that's like chloe radcliffe saw a guy on a train and was like should i make a poster that says like we saw each other on a train we made eye contact like i don't know if you remember we are we're a pink shirt chloe has a birthmark this big. I'm like, there's, you could never mind. The lady

with the hairy cheek. That's what you could have said. The guy would have been like, yep. Does she shave it? She trims it. Yeah. She's very attractive. She's hot. I love Chloe. Ethan has quite a little crush. No, not anymore. He has a

girlfriend. He doesn't have a crush, but when he was single, he... Who had a crush on you that I was talking... Oh, the crazy girl at my show. Mark Norman. Drink four for the second Mark Norman reference. Come in me. Oh, come in me. You know, yeah, that was a very Italian thing

They thought being left handed was a sign of the devil My dear friend of mine Back home Her dad had a twin He was An eye doctor an amazing Real estate guy Like this at the other very like successful

This at the other his twin What You have a stutter in the way that you speak this at the other, very successful, this at the other, his twin. What? You have a stutter in the way that you speak. Let me do an impression. Anyway, my friend had a twin, and he, okay, so this, and then he goes back, and then this, that, and the other,

and then the twin has this other sister. Well, that's the same twin that I was talking about before, but, okay, so whatchamacallit. You know that I i had a stutter i had a speech impediment when i was younger i was a really long talker try try it again go ahead tell the story with no ah no what you call it no this that and the others okay just go access the words okay i'm in the Gulf of Mexico I'm born anew I have a friend back home dear friend family friend her dad when you do that laugh you sound like air being lit up

in a tire you don't need to reiterate my friend good friend that's the thing she deflates and then fills up with more insults. You just stabbed a beach ball. That's my training technique. It's like a, it's a dog whistle.

Okay, listen, go ahead. No redundancy. No redundancy, no ums. A dear friend from back home's father had a twin. Her father was a successful I man doctor and had he was really good when you do that you're like an alien Trying to tell us no I'm a human being Did you see me staring at one place

I knew it All of this is just frills to distract from the fact That you can't string words together And I'm a guy and I say the things He's a friend of a friend of a guy And I look at my rings Anyway the story will continue once I get it. My feet are here and there.

Anyway. Come on, leprechaun, do a jig. Exactly. Yeah, if you could just follow Ian around and just. Just do like this the whole time. Yeah, yeah. His brother was also a twin and was born left-handed and the parents beat him to make him right-handed

and his whole life was way different and messed up. And he died in a bad way. Okay, so there was a twin whose father was a twin. And he got beat for not being right-handed. And then he died in a bad way. That was a really great way of saying that. More or less. More is less.

More is less. More is less. I mean, less is more. We're all in this boat together. Yes. The thing about hanging out with comedians, you will find so much out about yourself. Oh, yeah. Because you will just be like,

oh, that's what people think about me. I had no idea. Really? Yeah. Have either of you ever been roasted? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like.

Yeah, I didn't know that my eye, one of my eyes gets weird in photos. What, do you never have a fucking mirror? And nobody, I had no idea. In the mirror, it doesn't do it. Didn't line up. Yeah, because your eye's looking that way. Somebody roasted me and said it, and I was like. But yeah, literally, like, when the fourth person.

Do you see what I don't see when the fourth person goes up and goes Brad's so cheap and you're like oh fuck yeah yeah yeah we used to do those roast battles at the stand years ago and I had so much fun with them but

with the roast after a certain point it's like I get what I am okay I know everyone always just does lesbian with me. And I'm like, come on. There's so many more character defects than just that. Yeah. See, anything else. That's not even the fifth weirdest thing about you.

So many bad people. They didn't even get to your breath. Oh, what? The way my armpits read. Yeah. The garbage. Yeah. Or how you always get shit in your pussy.

I didn't even do that. How's that happen? The way I wipe back to front. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You find out so much about yourself. Oh, dude, you know what I did was fucking great. Our friend Brendan Sagalow really, that's the best.

Brendan Sagalow, really funny comic, great rapper. Anyway, he, I saw him and he like insulted me. And I took it and then I go oh dude i gotta tell you actually never mind and he goes what and i go no i know you're insecure i i don't i don't want to like mess with you and he goes what are you talking about i go i'll just someone said something about your taping it's it's cool i'll tell you later let's just podcast and then don't worry about he's like yo what what the fuck the fuck i just just tell me and i was like nah man i know how you get anyway uh that's the worst to do i'm gonna go

smoke a cigarette and i went outside and smoked and came back in and he's like what what the fuck man i was like you got god fuck you because you know as a comedian i mean the second i said i don't want to tell you i know how insecure you are, that fucking... That's when they know. He got a good finance that day. He got finance like you wouldn't believe. When I first got into the cellar, Shane Torres was like, they need you downstairs.

And I started running away, and he was like, got you! As I was going down, that was a good gut. Saying they need to a brand new at the cellar. They need you. I'm like, I'm on it! Before I was in at the cellar, I went to the Christmas party and Bobby and boss fucking

stopped they invited me so I went in and I got a plate of food I'm sitting at a table and all of a sudden Liz comes up she goes hey who are you and I go Ian Fida and she goes do you work here I go no and she goes well then you're not allowed here and I go but I was

and she goes yeah I don't care who you're with. This is for working cellar comics only. And I go, oh, OK. And as I got my food to get out, Bobby and Voss started laughing and giving me the finger. And then she started laughing. And I was like, oh, my God. Am I allowed to still stay? But, hey, that was that's a trial by fire.

Yeah. So funny that you were going to leave the cellar with a plate of food. I'll get out of here. But the food is mine. I'm annoying the masters of my industry, but hold on. Dumplings. But there is something to be said

about that is a welcoming, warm thing. And if people didn't do it with you, it would show that they don't like you. you know so it's like a good thing to be like fucked with and everything you know yes that's a sign insulting everything about me and like the way of my life and everything that does make me insecure that's like because you love me yeah yeah and then 100 i'm sure that if you heard someone that wasn't a friend of yours or a mutual friend, like a stranger, insult him

in the same ways. You'd be like, hey, let's fuck up. No, Francis Ellis did it and I was clapping my feet together with joy. What did he say? When he was here and he was like, do you think that you're gonna... In front of me? No, I stopped being friends with a friend

because they were talking shit about Ian. Yeah, I will get strikes against me on because they were talking shit about Ian. Yeah. I will get strikes against me on the internet when I go after people that have said things about her. And I punched our friend on the podcast. No, you shouldn't punch him. It was a big gob. I know, and he deserved it.

If anyone were to ever, like, hurt her, it's... You know I kick the shit out of them, right? Oh, woman right? no I'm kidding but I love that that's the comedy community where it's like yeah I shit on you but then if someone outside does it fuck that person

can't let that happen yeah it's like that's why I think like being able to sit down at the table at the cellar is like the most nerve wracking exciting but then once you're there and you get, you make all the comics laugh, you're like, well,

shit, I did it. That's one of those, that's one of those little benchmark moments where you sit down and you go, I'm being accepted. Yeah. Also, we will like people will shit on Matt Rife forever and ever.

But when he did the helmet thing, the helmet where he was like, Oh yeah. Then everybody was like, I ride for Rife like if somebody does something comedic like jocelyn chia we were all like what's up with her and then she did the she got called out for the malaysian airline thing and all of us were like chia or die yeah you know what i mean there's like an integrity behind stand-up that doesn't seem to be there until

it's there yeah and well and and as someone who's out on the west coast with rife like all like all the west coast comics are just like no we've seen that guy for years work his ass off yeah totally it's like yeah he's got nice cheekbones okay but there's but there's obviously something more there yeah you can't just walk on stage you be like and then sell out be the taylor Swift of comedy where you can't find a fucking ticket. So it's like, yeah, we've seen Rife put in the work. You see these comedians every day going in, working on their craft,

trying to be stand-ups. Yeah, it's the honor amongst thieves. Yes, yes, yes. It's like, we understand. Good name for the episode. Honor amongst thieves, yes. And we're thick as thieves, yes. And we don't like thieves understand. Good name for the episode. Honor amongst thieves. Yes. And we're thick as thieves.

Yes. And we don't like thieves. Anything for Ian to be closer. And we're thick of thieves and you're never leaving here. And I steal jokes. Fuck. Damn it. I tagged it too much.

And I steal your dog until you admit that you love me. Whose dog is that? Did she make a little noise? Whose dog is that officially? That's my dog. That's your dog? Yeah. Wonderful.

That's my dog. See her little foot? What do you think about that? So are you going to do the thing where you get like the dog print tattooed on your arm or something like that? I was thinking about getting it. Her name's Coyote. Getting a coyote tattoo.

Do it. I have my cat's name tattooed in a heart on my arm. I told you she had to play. Thank you, Ethan. Yeah. Oh, God. And also we've been talking for over an hour. Hasn't once peed on the couch. I know. Well done. She took a big old popper upstairs on the pee pad.

I will say she's really Oh, baby. Come on. We gotta wrap this pot up so we don't wake the dog up. She's really good at Jordan's done a good job of getting her on the pad and everything. It's great. You know. Thank you.

She can already sit and stay. Well done, dog mom. Thank you. Yeah. Well done. I just need to teach her not to bite. But sometimes we play and I bite her. No, you're a good dog.

The dog's teething. Dog mom. Dog's going to bite. Dog's teething. Dog's going to bite. That's fine. Okay, the dog's teething. It is fine.

Yeah, it's fine. And she was biting me. It's that gnawing. It's teething. It is fine. Yeah, it's fine. And she was biting me. It's that gnawing. We have to get to the cellar. Yes. So let's wrap this up. What do you have? Yeah, we have spots.

I have a 730. He's got a 740. That's great. Yeah. So, Brad, thank you so much. Why don't you tell the people what the fuck is up? Okay. So two things.

One, have a new special out. It's on Veeps, V-E-E-P-S dot com. It's called Starfish. Veeps is a great website. You can go there. They started as a concert website. They got concerts by like Alicia Keys, Imagine Dragons, 1975. You can go there, watch those concerts, but they also have comedy specials from me,

David Cross, Blair Saki, Catherine Ryan, and so yeah, watch my special on Veeps called Starfish and then see me on tour. 2024, I'm doing over 70 cities. We haven't even announced the rest of them. If you're living here in New York, I'll be

at Town Hall in July. Best venue. I love that place. Oh, good. Have you played it? Not yet. Bro, it's 85 feet from the stage to the back. Seating's like vertical and the laughs are everywhere. It's the best fucking theater in the world. You're going to fucking love it. Hell yeah.

So yeah, go bradwilliamscomedy.com. Find the tour date. I'm going to be performing near you. Trust me. If you're living in the continental United States, we haven't announced the international dates yet, but we will. God damn.

Going to Australia, going to Europe. Hell yeah. So I'll see you all around. See you on tour. And tell me that you're here at the show because you saw this podcast. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let them know.

That's cool. I love when people say, hey, I'm here because of whatever podcast. Yeah. And I know, oh, that's a good podcast to go on. Yeah. They got really cool fans oh that's fucking dope we do our fans are fucking great man you're the best you are the best we really love you okay i'm gonna be in madison wisconsin that'll already be done bozeman montana that'll probably

already be done comedy on state in madison yes great club one of the best clubs in the country we love you for sure san diego sunnyvale calvale, California, Arlington, Virginia, Las Vegas has been taken off. Austin, Texas, Sacramento, Boston, Appleton, Wisconsin. Those are all coming up. Look at all those dates. Fantastic. IanFidance.com for tickets.

I will also be in Austin at the Creek in the Cave and San Diego, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Sacramento, Missouri, Calgary. Oh, God. And if you have a meat shaped nipples, come on out. You love those.

Yes. Let's have a taste test. Ianfinance.com. I'm going everywhere. We're going to be in Nashville, Zany, Chicago, Zany's Rosemont, Zany's doing the live podcast. Come on out. I will be in Vegas.

I think I might be there too long. I have a two week stay and boy, is that going to be rough, but we're loving it. We're having fun. I know. Oh, and we're also doing Netflix is a joke festival,

uh, in may in Los Angeles. So got it. And my don't tell comedy set is coming out. My special is coming out in April. Hey, love it. Fantastic. Congratulations't tell comedy set is coming out. My special is coming out in April. Woo. Hey, love it.

Fantastic. Congratulations, man. Thank you, brother. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. We'll see you next time.