Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 080: Pin Monkey W/ Andrew Santino

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian

Being Ian And life is ride When you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit But you're positive Let's find out what it's like To live a life Being Ian Being Ian With Jordan

Guys, is that Obama? Is that real? He's on a $9 bill? Yeah. That's real? I bought it in Philly. That's exactly what it would be. The Obama dollar.

Yeah, Obama's over there. Yeah, put him on a fucking nine. Yeah. $9 bill. Are we selling this to support him or mock him? I don't know. Both. Both.

A little bit of both. I have so many pictures in my phone Of after Obama won Obama license plates From Delaware He won Oh Nobel Prize He did When he stole the election

Yes He's still running the country A video came out of him in 2008 Being like Alachma Mother of the Was he showing his Hawaii passport? Yeah

And he was putting on a green bandana Pledging allegiance to Hamas No, he was like They were like, how do you ensure that the Republicans Won't steal elections? He goes, well, let's be honest Republicans rig elections We all know Democrats rig elections

So now this is like going around like, see? Trump did win in 2020 Did you see a Biden clip where he's like With Elton John, he's like Just so you know, this guy is the reason. It's all his fault that we spent $9 billion on taxpayers' money for AIDS

to get it. No. You've never seen this clip? No. Oh, that's the best. Biden's with Elton John. He's trying to say it's because of this man that we are fighting AIDS. You were so important to the movement. It's all this man's fault. This man that we are fighting AIDS. You were so important to the moment. But what he's saying is this is the guy who fucked a monkey.

This man fucked a monkey one day singing his songs on the keyboard. He goes, it's this guy. It's this guy's fault that we spent $9 billion of taxpayers' money on AIDS. On AIDS. You know, Danny, your song was about gay sex. This guy helped me. Hunter's got AIDS. He's helped me. Hunter's got an AIDS. He's helping me get rid of him.

Dude, it's like, you know what someone told me? My friend, I can't say who because he's connected to the government, but he said, this is a great weird trick. You can't run constitutionally for three, you can't serve three terms,

but Obama could run again as a vice president under Biden. And if Biden died while in office and he could slide in as president, wouldn't that be a whoopsie doozy? And legally that could, that could be fine. He could serve a third term because he's not voted in as president. He could be vice president. Isn't that wild?

And I go, are the Dems on to this? Do they know about this? Because that's honestly A great card trick That's a good They would never I mean they would never

Obama would never go back He wouldn't He went so great No fucking way He'll never go back Yeah he's so happy now Netflix gave him like A hundred million dollars

Yeah Oh yeah But he can sit around On our film Yeah Yeah you lose It would be way worse if he did.

I see this picture of Carlin up there. Least favorite comic ever. Really? No, but wouldn't that be, if I took that stance, wouldn't that be great? I almost spit out my drink. I was like, wow, that would be great. That would be awesome. No, obviously not. That's unfortunate. Who do you hate? Who's overrated?

Who's so fucking huge? Mitch Hedberg to me. Wait, you don't like him? He's fine. Wow, this is wild. This one's tough for me to hear. Chappelle for me. David? Imagine. I love Mitch Hedberg. I just think that the way

people are, he reminds me of Union Hall Brooklyn. I'll do mine since we all are shooting this show. Bill Hicks to me is like, who cares? Wow. I just don't care. I'm sorry. Louis Black or Bill Hicks? Which one? Which one's better? Yeah. Louis Black. Louis Black all day, Louis Black. Louis Black,

Louis Black. I agree with you. It's not a competition. I'm just saying, I like Bill Hicks, but they treat him like he was a god amongst men. He was good. Yeah. He was good. Low key.

One of top. I know this is for everybody, but it's not a comics opinion. Yeah. Regan. Been listening to Regan. Dude is good. Yeah.

Regan's so good. But he's, he's so good. I was listening to the other day and I was like, like, I haven't laughed like that in comedy. One of my best memories with Kenny was. You have to speak into the microphone if we're going to pick this up.

Oh, we're not even recording. Oh, we are? What do you fucking think we're doing here? It's fine. Let's start. Ethan, a fan gave me these two little microphones that I meant to bring you that you put into a table. Could we use those? Okay, great.

Then I'm going to... Ready? All right, let's start. Ready? Alright, let's start. That was a really good one. That means it's going to be a really good episode. Welcome back with Jordan.

Patreon.com slash Beanie and Pod. I haven't watched that much Mitch Hedberg. But what I've seen, I think it's funny. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Yeah, I think it's good. It's just a little, I want somebody who's like Human Moving around I know but he was so

But he was extremely unique At least give him that Yes Masterfully brilliant He's not People think he's Kurt Cobain of comedy He ain't

What? They both did shoot themselves In the head No their wives Did That's what I was saying. You think it's strange that we're in a basement and we're right next to the tunnels? Can you hear them

ever digging down here? We do. You hear them digging? Yes. Yes, we hear different bagel orders. No, it's jangling coins is really what you hear while they're digging. Why can't they just have a spokesperson that's like, we did it during COVID so we could kick it with our friends. Why do we have to inflate this as

some weird conspiracy theory? They just wanted to hang out with their boys. The police catching them and they all run away like this. Didn't help their gaze. No, it doesn't help the gaze. It was so fun. But you know who else has tunnels under major cities? The turtles.

Yes. Ninja. The French. The French. That's what they've been doing. So this is just a cultural appropriation again. It's interesting that Palestine also does it. Do they? What's going on down there? It's funny that the Jews

took a chapter out of the Palestinian dig book. I've been going to NYU with pro-Israel signs just to piss off some of the kids. Just to stir it up. I stand outside of the dorms. Pro-Israel. They don't like it.

They're not big fans. Wait, have we figured out why they dig the tunnels? We're talking about Hasidic Jews for those of you who don't know. We're digging the tunnels to get from synagogue. Genuinely, during COVID is what the speculation is. Because they weren't allowed to congregate. There's like buildings where there's tiers of Hasidics

and they all have like a different ideology. So the ones that were on the bottom floor were one ideology and they didn't want to fraternize with the upper tiers. No, that's the caste system in India. No, no, no. There's something about this. Ethan, can we? Can I just say, when we talk about the Jewish tunnels,

any time you go, any of us go, yeah, well, I heard. It's probably a lie. Yeah, that's a lie. And it's probably some inflammatory thing about Jewish people. It's like, you know what I heard? I'll tell you what, there was a mattress down there. No, you know who did it? Also, go to Chicago.

That's where Prohibition, they were building tunnels for booze To get from place to place It's smart There's so many tunnels in New York That have been dug for hundreds of years But I think they weren't worried at all about structural soundness So they were just digging it right below the surface Where it could collapse at any point in time

Hey, just a bunch of Andy Dufresne's walking around Like, oh jeez Dumping dirt out of their pockets Do you know about the whispering tunnel? Speaking of tunnels. Your butthole? Yes. Got a lot of secrets. That is a little whisper tunnel. Do you know the whispering tunnel?

Except somebody will answer in there. Well, it's pretty loose. It's pretty loose. It's the echo tunnel now. What is it? Not true. It's okay. You don't have to validate. My ass doesn't echo.

That's not the case what I said before. The whispering tunnel is my favorite thing in Grand Central Station. There is a tunnel where if you go in the corner and I go in the corner

at a certain angle when you speak, your words go through the tunnel and you can hear on the other side. You can communicate with each other. At Grand Central. Takes you such a long time to say sentences. I had a speech impediment when I was younger

and it took me a while to talk. You whisper into a hole and somebody else can hear it somewhere else. That's because I'm like this. Excitable Boy, one of the best albums of all time. Incredible. Rolling the headless gunner. Incredible. Rolling the Topless, the Headless Gunner. Yeah. Yes. Amazing.

But I really like Desperados Under the Eaves. What's Excitable Boy? Warren Zevon. I was in the house, in the house. No, but that's not the one I'm thinking of. Lawyers, Guns and Money. No, but that's okay the one I'm thinking of. Lawyer's Guns and Money.

No, but that's okay. I like it. What band did he play? Carmelita. Warren Zevon. Who's Warren Zevon? Warren Zevon's one of the greatest artists of all time. An amazing book if you ever want to read it.

It says it on your website. I'm an Excitable Boy. Yeah, it's from his song. Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best. Excitable Boy boy They all said He died tragically And he rubbed a hot roast All over his chest

And he was like really rad And like he knew he was dying Which was even more tragic And then he talked about it I mean Norm Macdonald Hey I'm dying soon Hey

Hey I gotta get out of here Normandy more like tragedy Wow Turns out I'm actually gay Holy shit Hey after all these years Yeah It's like you're throwing your voice Wait that's crazy Let me close my eyes Do it again I'm actually gay. Holy shit. Hey, after all these years. Yeah.

It's like you're throwing your voice. Wait, that's crazy. Let me close my eyes and do it again. Hey, Jordan, Ian, couple of Jews. Only one of them is. You'll figure it out. Whoa. That's pretty good.

Wow. Really good. Now do Mark Norman as Bernie Mac. I ain't scared of you, motherfucker. I can't do it. I ain't scared of you, motherf. I can't hear you. I ain't scared of you, motherfuckers. I'm big boned. Does he have like fused back? I'm not fat.

I'm big boned. Hey, get out of here. Yes. Is that good? That's so good. That was great. As soon as I heard,

there's certain people's voices I hear and immediately I go, I can do that. Who? It's just, I lock into, there's, I don't know.

No, it's not, it's not who, it's more like when I hear it, my do that. Who? It's just, I lock into, there's, I don't know, no, it's not who, it's more like when I hear it, my brain goes. Like a tone. It's something about it, my brain goes, I can do that.

I actually hear, I can, it tells myself like, oh, you know how to sound like that. It's very strange. You want to know something weird about your acting?

Mm-hmm. I rewatched Curb. Did not know. Cut the tape. Listen to me. Didn't know you were in it. Well, why would you? I don't send out flyers.

You are so good in the toilet one. And I lost my mind when I saw you. And I was like, that's not my flight. I had, honestly, that was like, I've said this to this day. It's like you lose money doing that gig because they don't pay you. And it's like you work your whole career to lose money doing that show, which is worth every dime. And it was the coolest moment not live but in the audition when i tested with larry making him break yay that was like to me like i could die i actually was like i could die

i could be done with comedy for the rest of making him break in the room like he broke and then he broke the second time a little bit and then he goes, all right, get the fuck out of here. Okay, that's cool. But think about from my position, I saw my friend on the screen. Friend on the telly. Because the first time I saw it, I was like,

this guy's really good. I wonder if he's actually a plumber or whatever it was, like a plumber. A plumber, yeah. And then I saw it again and I was like, I know.

It's really... It was super fun. That was my original pitch. I will give myself a little credit. They had said they wanted me to come in and pitch Larry a toilet. You know, they just give you an outline. And they said, pitch him a toilet. I was actually supposed to be.

I originally read for the guy whose dog was named Adolph. Did you see? Do you know that guy? And Larry was like, you don't look Aryan at all. I mean, you're not the guy. Sorry, man. Yeah. And I was like, fuck.

And he was like, no, no, no. It's fine. We'll figure you another read. So he gave me a second shot. And you were like, toilet, man? He did. He goes, he blue collar, right? I said, yeah. And he goes, good, go outside. And casting director Allison Jones was like, go outside and come back when you're ready. Like, go outside, just take a half hour, get a coffee. And it took me like five minutes because I already knew. When I read it, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. And so what did the outline say? Plumber comes in and

pitches at Latte Larry's was the coffee shop pitches Latte Larry on a new technology to not get urine on your shoes. I think that's what I think that was the original bit. And then I made up in the room when I had said that it uh, it, we should have it, we should have the toilet move to the size, height of your dick. That's the problem. I was pitching like, the problem is if you're tall and your dick's, you know, up high, it's going to spray more. If it's down low, it's going to move. And then, so I said, there should be a door. It measures your cock when you walk up and it goes to, to, to penis detected and slides up. And then it'll move to the height of your cock and Larry was like

ah ah ah in the middle of it and I was like at first I thought he was fucking with me but then I realized

he was actually laughing oh my god and that's just the sound he makes have you seen his real laugh his laugh is like ah ah

ah it's so weird oh that's so cool it's fucking rad oh my god that was like my comedy cum moment that and making

Julio Dreyfus break. That was like another. Oh my god. Like a thousand times. They tried to get me on that show so many times. And that guy that ran that show, he just like he's like, it's not the look. And I was like, what is like the, do you like the character?

He's like, yeah, yeah. Do you like me? Well, he was always like, no, good, very funny, but not look. No, he just didn't like the way he's like, I didn't look like what he wanted for. That's gingerist. I know, dude. It really was. True. I genuinely know that's, you know how many times I've been told and they're like, we

think we might have to color your hair. Wow. Do they go like. Because they're like, you camera test. It's really bright. When they go on auditions, they go, are you willing to shave? You can go yes or no. They go, are you willing to dye your hair not what you are?

They've asked multiple times, will you dye your hair? Yeah. I always say no. Fuck no. Really? Why? What the fuck? What?

You either want me this way or you don't. Unless I'm doing, unless Scorsese is like, I want you to, whatever you want. Yeah. But if I'm doing just like a role on a TV show, it's like, get fucked. You can't just, I'm a real guy that exists. Yeah. You can't erase me. What are we talking about? It's fucking, it's a weird

it's a weird thing, but anyway, yeah, I'm happy. The curb thing was crazy that I didn't know that was you. I saw it so long ago. That's so cool. Of all the bullshit we do, those things I'll hold forever till I'm dead. I don't give a fuck about most things I do in terms of pride wise, but

that one I really wanted to be funny. That was like, so that's like so much pressure. There's no pressure in most of the stuff I've ever done. That one really, I was so fucking nervous all day. Cause it's like action. It's just with Larry.

Yeah. It's just with him. That's all it was. If I like, are you, are you listening to his beats to respond or are you already in your head when he says, no,

no, no, no, no. You're it's, I mean, you have to be listening cause he goes on a million different directions and he doesn't like um too much improv turns him off big time you can feel when people are doing too much you know when you get away from the story

in an improv scene and some people like go so far from it that you're like let's try ethan give us Give us a suggestion. There you go. Good improv, Ethan. I'm not good at improv. I don't know. I helped John Radinsky with his self-tape yesterday, and it made me want to act so bad. Because he was like, just riff back. I've never done it.

It's fun. Oh, we did it the other day. Yeah. It's child's play. You're playing dress-up. I want to play dress-up. You should. We did. We had to play mental patients in a psych ward.

When I went into an acting person, they were like, you could be somebody's mom. And I hurt my feelings. Really? What did they say? You could be someone's mom? You could be like a ceramic teacher mom. Yeah, but you, what do you mean?

How old are you? 32. You could be a mom. Yeah. You take that like that's a negative thing. You're not 20 anymore. I just wanted to be like a cool. You could be a 20 year old slut.

Yeah, you could be a whore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you just be a whore? Yeah. A godless whore. You could be a twer old slut Yeah you could be a whore Yeah yeah yeah Why don't you just be a whore Yeah A godless whore You could be a twerking cum guzzler I want to play that role 21 years old

And you're like Oh yeah I want to play that role In Louie's show With the older woman Who he has to eat her pussy That would be ideal That was so funny

That was great So funny man That show was so good That's so good I rewatch the fuck out of that show The N word button In the art gallery is by far the funniest. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah.

One of the greatest shows of all time. That makes me laugh so hard every time. And I know it's coming. Yeah. But it's the way he says it. And it's his eyes. It's the way he's always like. Well, and Pam Adeline, if you watch it, this is me nerding out, but she breaks and you

actually leave it in. I love that. But you can see that she breaks because when she turns, she goes like you watch her turn away and laugh. And the audio still had it in there. I know they tried to clean it up. You can tell. But I've rewatched that scene so much that I love seeing people break.

I watch Jimmy Fallon on SNL break all the time. Liar, liar. Everybody breaks at every every moment. Oh, yeah. You pulled a liar, liar. You called me an over-actor on set. Wait. You knew that reference?

You knew that reference? Yes, of course. I love Liar, Liar. I showed you. I found a ticket stub from 1997. Dude, we have to frame those two. He found a Misfits ticket stub and a Liar, Liar movie ticket stub. Where would you keep this?

In a shoebox in your mom's house? Yes. Did you bring it? No, it's still in my mom's house. We've got to bring it and frame it. I'll buy a frame. Okay. And I found my grandfather's wallet and he had like a joke business

card that was like Peter L. Longcock specializing in widows, maidens. Your dad? No, my dad's dad. And behind it I found a punch card for a clinic in Wilmington. Really?

I think he had some. Is it still there? No. This is like 82. Everyone had OCDs in 82, my guy. That was like the time to get it. On the way to AC, there was billboards every like 20 feet. I'm not kidding.

Where syphilis is real in its back. They were all over. I swear to God. Oh, my God. And kidding. Where syphilis is real in its back. They were all over. I swear to God. Oh my God. And it was like syphilis. It's like a pregnant woman in a shadow and it's like a syphilis

will hurt your baby. Wow. Meaning people are getting syphilis and they're just like, fuck it. Fuck it. They're treating it like it'll just go away.

Remember monkey pox? No. In the gay community? I don't remember monkey pox. What? You don't remember it? I heard about it. I heard about it, but I do think.

And all the testing clinics in the lines look like the hottest nightclub in town. My friend got it. Short, short glitter guys. How many times did you get it? Way to get it tested? A lot. You got a lot.

Andrew, sorry. I didn't get it. You were worried about it. No, because I abstained. He abstained, yeah. I abstained. My gay friend got it. Beautiful man.

Salacious deliciousness. But wait a minute. Monkey pox is easily curable, right? That's like a shot and you go home. It can scar you forever. I think that's the fear. All STTs scar you forever. Emotionally. Right here. Wait, it scars your face? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. That's where these scars are from. My pimple scars are just fucking, my acne scars are monkeypox. You can laser those. Maybe my mom lied to me. I was born in 83. Did my mom... I was born in 83. Did my mom give me monkey pox?

Monkey pox was like two years ago. He just... No, monkey pox was around. It's been around for a long time. It went away and it came back. Yeah, we shut it down. Like whooping cough. I never got chicken pox.

I got the vaccine though. That's bad. That's actually really bad. You should get it. I got the vaccine. I got the vaccine. Yeah, but still. I got the vaccine.

Well, yeah, you're in your young 30s, so you probably also got like the what is it? The HPV vaccine? You got that one too. Dude, that's why you got shingles. Everyone in our generation doesn't have it. People that get shingles get shingles because they never got monkey paws. That's true. You got shingles on your back?

I didn't get shingles. She's fucking Rash McGillicuddy. She's always getting rashes. Old Rash McGillicuddy. Hello, Rash. Glad to meet you. Okay, Rash McGillicuddy. She's always getting rashes. Old rash McGillicuddy. Hello, rashy. Glad to meet you. Okay. Rash McGillicuddy is at the bank. She needs money for more medicine for her rashes.

Go. Excuse me, doctor. You're not a doctor. No, no. I'm a doctor. I'm in line at the bank. Oh, good. Thank God.

I felt it. I felt a peripheral feeling. How can I help you? There's a doctor. I have. Well, when I was a young child, I didn't get at the bank. Oh, good. Thank God. I felt a peripheral feeling that there was a doctor. When I was a young child, I didn't get monkeypox, so they gave me a vaccine. Now I think I have shingles from it, which I thought was an old person disease, but it turns out it's just an itchy skin thing. A lot of cool people have it.

It's not an old person thing. I'd like to make a deposit. That's it. Imagine inquiring about your rash to a doctor in a line at a bank and how fun that would be because he's just bugging him. Listen, you're a doctor. You have to look at this. We got 10 more minutes before we even get up there.

You have to see my rash. I've never had a rash, but I imagine you've never had a rash. I had to go in for bed bugs and I went to a acidic place on accident. And he said, hold on one second. And he parked his he parked his little receptionist in the corner because it turns out he needed like a witness to watch as he was just watching as I like undressed and he looked at me.

It felt so bad. How bad were the bedbugs? Well, that's the thing. We don't know if it was bedbugs because I got it. My house searched twice. They couldn't find it. But I just had like I had really bugs. Which is the shingles. That could be shingles.

That does sound like shingles. No, but they're not little, they were big welts. Huge. I think that's shingles. I think I'm allergic to mosquitoes. I think bed bugs are small. Aren't they small? Shingles are big?

Yes, dude. You had shingles. You have to have chicken pox to be able to have shingles. Like, so it's like, you have to have chickenpox as a child. Oh, yeah, he's right. You only get them when you've got... Bitch, I thought you get, if you hadn't had chickenpox,

you're more susceptible to shingles. Listen, listen, everybody in this room has no idea what they're talking about. Sir, sir, sir. Oh, myself included. You're a doctor. Yeah.

Please, help this woman. Ian wanting to be in a movie so bad. Before you make it to Boston. Rashi McGillicuddy. He did this with Bobby as well. 5'7", New York City, Ian Fidance, AIG. John Radinsky yesterday. Help this woman. Ian wanting to be in a movie so bad. Rashi McGillicuddy. He did this with Bobby as well. 5'7", New York City, Ian Fidance, AIG. John Radinsky yesterday was like, I'm against slating.

And I was like, I kind of feel you. Slavery? Slating. I might agree. Something in me. No, slating. Oh, when you say, hi, I'm this height, this tall. Because he thinks they're going to judge you.

I just think, why are we doing that? It's dehumanizing. I think it's a good opportunity. Acting is dehumanizing. The business is dehumanizing. So whenever someone's like, it's against my moral code, it's like, this is a business of lizard people.

And I said that, that's only because you're 5'6". I mean, if he was- It's true, if he was full man height, it wouldn't, yeah. I'm 6'1", I have no problem saying it into the camera. 6'1 is the ideal height. I think the slate is a good way to give an entry point to your personality. The way you did it. Ian Fidance, 5'7", New York City, or wherever you want me

to be. How tall are you, Ethan? That's what he does. He does say that. No, I don't. Yeah, last time you were like, I'm going to be back and forth between California and New York. Ian Fidance, I could be wherever. I'm bi-coastal. I have places all over. I'm bi-coastal, bisexual, and bi-baller. Which one do you want to get? We don't know.

That's like the perfect triad of like you have to pick two of the three. This week I'm bicoastal and bipolar. Let me ask you something. Here we go. I have a show that's a new joke show in LA. You did it. Yeah, I did it. Did you do it?

I did it. Good. Yeah. Thanks. What are you going to ask me about it? I have a San Diego gig. Oh, no. No. Yeah, no. Good. Yeah. Thanks. What are you going to ask me about it? I have a San Diego gig. Oh, no, no. Yeah, no.

Okay. Yeah. That's what does he know? He's just a doctor. Yeah. Is it stupid? I don't perform standup comedy. I perform surgery.

Mark Norman. You crazy bitch. Hey, I'm just a doctor. What do you want me to do? Oh my God. You foolish whore. Now let me put this stethoscope to your pussy. He's like the Batman scenario where they had Batman scenario Where he couldn't turn his head

Bane? Oh Michael Keaton Which is pretty cool in the new Batman That he said, he was like, I want to be able to turn my head That was a good ode to the nerds Take your blood, but I'm not a vampire Alright

It's like we have two guests I'm going to do Wait, San San Diego go back The reason I said no immediately to whatever it is San Diego from me From where I live is me asking you To go to Philly It's insanely far away

But it keeps me Being like hi at the store That's fine but San Diego I'm telling you San Diego is so fucking far away. Yeah. It is genuinely crazy. How long does it take to drive to Philly from here? Two hours.

No, maybe I'll set up other things. Okay, fuck that. It's further than that. It's going to take you three hours to get to San Diego from LA. Well, can I say my thing, what I am going to do, and I need your opinion on. Give me the baseball umbrella. Oh, it's a baseball cane. It's a bat umbrella.

Baseball bat cane. And it says motherfucking Ian Fidance. Louisville Slugger Museum. You made this at the museum. I've been to this museum, but I didn't make it bad. I couldn't afford it. Somebody's rich. What was your question?

My question is, is this insane? Because the people I say it to tell me it is. I'm flying to Seattle, and I have Seattle, Portland, Sacramento, San Francisco, San Diego, LA. I'm renting a car in Seattle. I'm going to drive to Portland and from Portland, I'm going to go to sack, drive to Sacramento, drive to San Fran, drive to San Diego, drive to LA. Is that crazy? I mean, it's bad math because San Diego is below Los Angeles.

So you're going south to come back north You're passing LA so you should have scheduled that differently It should have been Seattle, Portland, San Fran Sacramento, LA We're not at the place where we can reschedule Yes you should do it You don't have a choice what do you even mean

Is it silly? Yeah you're going to spend like two full days in a vehicle Well it's $2.35 a week For the rental car and one, it's $2.35 a week for the rental car, and one flight is like $280 from one place to another. So financially, it makes like the most sense. But people are like, it's going to storm in the mountains, and you're going to get stuck, and you have to turn around. None of that will affect you at all.

Right? You won't have any of that. It's just a lot of driving. I think one of them is like an 11-hour drive, and I'm going to get a cheap motel on the road and play Turn the Page by Metallica over and over. No, you got to play a lot of Bob Seger while you're on that drive. That's Seger's drive.

You know what I used to do? I used to play Zeevon driving through the mountains. So good. Then what happened? Nighttime in the switch-in yard. He does it in other words. I don't know this Nighttime in the switch-in yard. He does another words. I don't know this song. This guy doesn't sound good.

Everything you guys have said about him. You know, send lawyers, guns and money. You know that song. You know Werewolves of London? Get me out of this mess. Werewolves of London might be the worst song he has in my opinion. Totally, yes. What's so interesting about him

is that he was sober. Huge into AA, sobriety. He found out he was dying. Vera Cruz. Vera Cruz was dying. Dude. It's such an underrated song. Porcelain monkey.

See, he does know. It's funny to not know what you guys are talking about. I'm sorry, We'll get it back to something that you know. Sorry. Thank you so much. Oops, I did it again. Who is your favorite artist of all time? That's a stupid question. Who do you love?

Who's like, man, you know what? Because favorite is insane. It's impossible. Who do I love? Like, who if I met, I would die? Who would be on your playlist on your phone where you're like, I don't care what mood I'm in, I can listen to that band, the Misfits, no matter what. No matter what. That's pretty fucking rad.

Even if you're in a bad mood or a good mood, always Misfits. There's a song for every mood. Misfits, I like Beach House. Were we Rancid fans or no? Oh, yeah. See, I like Rancid. Operation Ivy was great. But don't put Rancid in Misfits.

I'm not. I'm just gauging your levels of like what kind of... Billy Holiday I love. Frankie Valli I can listen to whenever. Frankie Valli? We just did this at the cellar the other night. We listed our top five favorite bands. Marcy Playground.

Do we like the Four Seasons or not at all? Love the Four Seasons. Okay, okay. My boys. Okay, okay, okay. Love them. You know Warren Zevon? Don't you know how they met?

In Jersey. Because of Joe Pesci. Isn't that crazy? He's working at a Love them. You know Warren Zevon? Don't you know how they met? In Jersey. Because of Joe Pesci. Isn't that crazy? He's working at a bowling alley. You don't know this? Now you're doing Tommy Pope perfectly. Yeah. Oh, come on.

Fuck you, bitch. Hey, get me a beer. Here's a video of a dog carrying a head. Does he send you those? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's the one that just sent me that video I showed you guys of water diets. Pope sent me the water diets.

Oh, yeah. Offensive. Yeah, no, you know that Pesci introduced them to each other. He sang. Pesci was working a bowling alley as a pin setter in Jersey. That makes sense. Pin monkey. He looks like a pin.

Pin setter. But they were called pin monkeys. Racist. I think you're taking it to a direction that we don't need to go today. Well, you should hear what I used to call it. Go ahead. Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it. We'll cut it out. Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it. We'll cut it out.

Say it, say it, say it. Patreon.com slash Aiden Bush. Do guts. No, but I feel like everybody has an artist. Like yours is Mitzvahs. I feel like most of my friends have that I can listen to at any time. Any time? Any time.

It's coming on and you're like, fuck. You're probably going to hate it. You guys are probably going to both be like, shut up. Tyler Childers? Sam Cooke. I just, like, I don't. Sam Cooke. No, the shins are one of my favorites.

Sam Cooke? Well, no, the shins are gay. What? What's going on? What's going on? These things aren't the same. What was that? Oh, okay, okay.

Gay things. Yeah, gay things. Sam Cooke. Something about him. I don't know. I just, I just like, I just like. No, what is he saying? You don't know Sam Cooke?

Seriously? Let me hear it. I mean, what song would you know the most? Probably like... It's a beautiful morning. Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody. I got some money because I just got paid. Wait.

Now how I wish I had some chick to talk to. I'm in an awful way. Wait, doesn't he do the one, it's a beautiful morning. No. Sam Cooke sings the song. Wait, Sam Cooke sings that song? The one that I just did. Wait, is that I fought the law on the law one?

It is, right? That's a clash. Yes, that's the clash. Yeah, that's the clash. That's you too. What you just sang. It's Bono. Yeah.

No, another Saturday night is what I sung. Saturday Night Fever. No. Same. Same melody. Saturday night's the night for fighting. I can't believe you don't know any of these. Saturday night by the Misfits.

Bring it on home. I was dying on a Saturday night. He's just got such good old soul. You like Michael Graves' Misfits too. I love Danzig Misfits and Michael Graves. I like American Psycho. Whoa, American Psycho. People dog me for liking Graves. People hate when you like Michael Graves misfits too. I love Danzig misfits and Michael Graves misfits. I like American Psycho. Whoa, American Psycho. People dog me for liking Graves.

People hate when you like Michael Graves misfits. I like them both. Love them both. Both have beautiful voices. You know my mom met Danzig? I know. You've said that so many times. Have I told the story?

Pretty much every episode. Huh. Yep. Danzig, you met Danzig? Yeah. Mother. Tell your children not to walk. Not to go on the tour bus

When I invite you on At a Tower Records At Cherry Hill On 9 to 6 Don't go on the tour bus When I invite you on Oh yeah Did he rape somebody?

Pull my dick out And then it's on He invited us On his tour bus You and your mom? Tickets to the show Me and my mom My friend

And uh Did your mom suck Danzig? She could have and she should have and he would have been my dad but she was like How can you bring your mom around the one person who sings a song? I raped your mother today and it doesn't matter much to me. Is that his song?

Last Caress. I got something to say. I killed a baby today and it doesn't matter much to me. He didn't really kill a baby. I think that's hyperbole. No, I think you're right. He's being metaphorical. No, it's drill rock.

Oh, drill rock? Drill rock. Like trap rap? Yeah, yeah. I get it. Drill rap. I get it. I also like hip hop.

I do like rap a lot. Yeah, that makes sense. Rap a lot. You have cursive on your hoodie and your sweatshirt. Well, I don't like... I like black people. I have said a lot I don't like. I don't like any hip hop I have said a lot. I don't like any hip hop

if it's not black. I don't like white hip hop. You don't like Eminem? I like him. Mac Miller? Was a wonderful human being. Vanilla Ice. I knew him when he was alive.

He was a good kid. I just don't love white rap. Snow. Informa. Go. You know it's like when I was coming to your band. I let you boom boom down. No. I don't like white rap, dude.

I just can't get off to white rap. Oh my god. I didn't know you were saying that. Informa. I let you boom boom down. You know who that guy morphed into? Modest Yahoo. It's like the same guy. Oh, yeah.

It's another. Dude, I heard Snow can't read. Snow's illiterate. That's cool. It's fucking rad. Now I do like him. Never mind. I take it back.

Yeah, white rap never did it. In fact, I'll say it. I don't care. I don't fucking care. I was fucking whatever with the Beastie Boys. Whatever, dude. Same, same, same. Fucking whatever.

Fucking whatever. One of my first concerts, got a contact high, took my shirt off. I don't know. It's like three fucking New York kids stealing a black art. They were a punk rock band beforehand. I'll say right now, I'm just not a huge fan of rap. I like hip hop so much. But you're just jacking a black art. I'll say right now, I'm just not a huge fan of rap. I like hip hop so much. But you're just jacking a black art, dude. Beastie Boys, it's revolutionary.

It's like they're just fucking taking from some black art. Sorry, dude. Sorry, dude. That's their thing, dude. I'm not offended. You don't have to apologize. No, I don't know. People hate me for it, but I never got behind.

I think they made good shit. I think they're dope. You don't think that they opened the door? You don't think that they helped open the door for other things? No. Like what? For what?

I was asking because I don't know. No. I don't. I don't. You're the doctor. Hip hop was good. You're the doctor.

Hey, you gotta tell yourself I love rap. I love rap. Too bad it's for black people. I wonder what Norman listens to. Probably just beep, beep, beep, boop, bop, bop,

beep, beep, beep, beep. Computer modem starting up. He just listens. Yeah, he just beep, beep computer modem starting up. You're not going to believe it. I listen to white noise all day long. At least it's not black noise. We'll be right back. I love him to death. I think he probably hates

that I do that because he's heard me do it enough. Really? Yeah, but I feel like a lot of people do. I hear so many people go, comedy. I miss that, dude. I would see those death. I think he probably hates that I do that because he's heard me do it enough. Really? Yeah, but I feel like a lot of people do. I hear so many people go, comedy. I miss that, dude. I don't see those guys. I see nobody anymore. It's so nice to come to New York to see people again. Yeah, but now they're all in fucking Austin.

I know. Everybody's gone. In the place we hate the most. Dude, it's even less so. No one's in Los Angeles because everyone's on the road. Everyone's on the road. Everyone. Everyone.

It's weird. It's like when I go home. The store? I'll get a text. Yeah, and I'll be like, where are you? And everyone's like, I'm gone. Everyone's like when I go home. The store? I'll get a text. Yeah, and I'll be like, where are you? And everyone's like, I'm gone. Everyone's on the road, man. Why?

Ever since post-COVID, like everyone in LA has just been literally on the road. If they didn't move to Nashville or New York or Austin or wherever, they're all on the road. Even during the week? Yeah, man. People are gone. Also because I think a lot of people just moved out of the city. Yeah. So they're up in the mountains.

COVID fucking made people just leave Because they were like fuck it I don't want to be here anymore Dude I went to Have you been to Tim Dillon's house? I own Tim Dillon's house The house is up there It's nice no I've been up to his house it's very nice Well it's isolated but it's beautiful

But it's exactly where Tim would live You can see Sebastian's palace What does a comic do with that much space? What, Sebastian? Sebastian has a... Because you can see it. He keeps the accent in one of the rooms. Oh.

That makes sense. That makes sense. Can you please... These people... What are you doing? What's this guy doing? What's this guy doing? You know what? But those guys, like, they live,

Tim lives that life that he, of course, it's beautiful. It's exactly what Tim wanted. In New York, you have, like, the most beautiful apartment because it, like, overlooks the park, but it's still zero square feet. In LA, you at least get square footage. Yeah, but you're all comics. You just got to pay for it out your ass. It's way more expensive here than it LA, you at least get square footage. You can get square footage, but you just got to pay for it out your ass.

It's way more expensive here than it is in New York. Way more expensive. It's just you can get it, but you have to have tens of millions of dollars. Here. Yes. Everywhere. But just here,

if you really want overlooking the park in an apartment, what are you paying? You're paying like $10 million. I could take a hike to the park. I don't need to overlook it. I overlook a park across the street. There's a park right there. There's a park right there.

And I put my lawn chair outside and I look at it. Is that a scary park? It doesn't look scary. It doesn't know anything. It's not scary. Why is it scary? Somebody tried to attack Ethan there. Everybody tries to attack everybody.

It's New York. Well, I got to say this. And take no offense. You do look like you might get attacked often. He's a little guy. No, it's not that. It's not a size thing. He's just cute.

He's cute. Cute guys are going to get attacked. Yeah. Nobody's attacking me. I look lumberous and uncomfortable and weird. 6'1 is a fucked up height. It's too big. I'd be a sex addict.

You're 6'1? And 12 and a half. And you know what he is? He's cutesy-pootsy. When criminals see him, they go, cutesy-pootsy coming on the block. They just want to give him a kiss. That's what I do when I saw him. They're going to grab him and kiss him.

I was over there playing soccer too, so I was asking for it. Oh my God, a cutesy-pootsy kicking a ball around? I would tear up your butt hole in jail. I'd kiss your neck. I'd kiss you on the neck. Yeah, see, that's the problem.

If you're cute, you're probably going to get assaulted in some way or mugged. Yeah, if you're a cute guy, you're fucked. Too bad. So sad. Bro, I know I'm so fucked.

Nobody. Nobody. Nobody disagrees with you. That's what I'm saying. Nobody would disagree with that. Yes. Agreed. Well, thank you, doctor. Have you been mugged? In a bunch of different ways. What? By ex-girlfriends? Emotionally? What are you talking about?

No, like when I was a kid, I used to tell a joke on stage about it that a guy stole skateboard like in front of my face. It was like soap, like when the older guys would like bully you and take... Like that? That happened with my guitar and then my mom married his mom and they moved in with us and I was like, that's the kid who stole my guitar and he said to live in my house with me. Well, you got it back at least. Yeah, did you ever think of solving it that way?

Yeah. Just move in with that bully. Say that for conflict resolution. Oh, I got him back I got my stepbrother back No I've had that When I was a kid But never as an adult

I've never been like In a stick em up I've watched people get robbed That was a joke I really did have Back in the day I watched a guy get robbed On the subway when I was a kid

And he looked at me While the guy was like doing it I was like nine or ten And I remember being like Gen and I remember being like, genuinely, I remember being like, Oh wait, I'm not even gonna,

I'm not, I'm not supposed to look. Yeah. I would always be like, look ahead. Don't look at people. Look ahead. Yeah.

Look forward. Don't look at people. Cause as soon as you make eye contact with someone, they're initiate, you're initiated. My mom would lie to me and be like, don't, don't make eye contact with people.

They can read lips. She would lie to me to keep me in line Don't crawl on the ground You'll get AIDS Well that one is true My parents lied to me Outside of our apartment We lived way up in this one I think that one we were on the 23rd floor

And we looked down And I can't remember how old I was Seven And there was blood All over the street That one, we were on the 23rd floor or something. And we looked down and I can't remember how old I was, seven. And there was blood all over the street. And the next morning, I asked the door guy what it was. There was cops all night. And my parents had said a paint truck had gotten into a car accident and spilled paint all over the place. That's a good thing to do.

That's a good parent. It's paint. And then we took your dog to a's paint. And the doorman literally was like, no, no, no, no. That was a hooker. Hooker shot. Hooker shot at John didn't pay her. I swear to God in my life and my parents to this day, they were so fucking mad. They were so fucking mad. Really? Why would you

say that to a child? No, no, no. Pain truck. No, no, no. That was a hooker. I wish it was paint because the things I saw will never unsee. But the story was great. I guess it was in a, things I saw Will never unsee But the story was great I guess it was in a Which is why there was so much blood over it It was in a jeep wrangler without the top on

You know like a drop top jeep wrangler And he didn't pay Kicked this hooker out of his car and she had a gun And shot him point blank That's awesome and then she got put in jail So now she's a hooker in jail No no no no they didn't catch her By the way You shoot a guy in the head And then she got put in jail. So now she's a hooker in jail. Did they catch her? No, no, no, no. No, they didn't catch her. Really? No, they didn't catch this girl.

No way. By the way, you shoot a guy in the head in the middle of the city like that back then. There's no cameras all over the place. Who's catching you? Yeah. There's no cell phone camera. You're not even getting caught now. Yeah, you definitely are.

Now you're definitely getting caught. Now that guy who spidered out of the prison got caught. That was crazy that he got caught. I thought he was- I think if you escape prison, they should let you go. Yeah. If you're able to break out, they should go.

That's great. If you squeak up the side like that, like you did, If you get out and make a certain radius, like they... If you make past a certain mile marker, they should be like,

all right, okay. This is the real squid games. What if you get out and then you're allowed to work there? That's what I think would be good. This is squid games. This is real. You squeak out

and then you go to the front door and they're like, we hire you now. And you're to be the butler. That's good. Yeah, that's good. That is like ultimate hell though. They'd then you go to the front door and they're like, we hire you now. And you're to be the butler. That's good. Yeah, that's good. That is like ultimate hell though. They'd probably be like, I'll go back in.

Fuck that. I don't want to do that. Could you imagine? If I'm escaping jail and I get to a point and I see they're coming, prison, I'm killing myself. Every time I've been to jail. Really? I'm not going back.

No, you go back and see if you can do it again. Every time I've been to jail, I do look for a way out, which is stupid. No, you should look for a way out. That's your internal instinct. I look at the lock. I'm like, I can open this. I turn my shirt into a pillow and just relax. Really? Do you ever bite it? Your pillow?

Ian's like, put me in the busy cell. Like, oh, I converted to Muslim because I'm going to pray. How many times do we pray? 40 a day? Is Mecca a man's ass? Have you been to jail?

I've been in holding cell. Oh, yeah, I've been to jail, but never for anything for real. Never like a DUI. Yeah, yeah. It's always been for like a street fight. Yeah. You've been in street fights? College. I went to Arizona State. Oh, wow. Disgusting pig

shit. It was disgusting. The worst one I ever, I've told the story before, but the worst one, it's not even a good story. The worst fight though was this guy was like almost was yelling at this girl. and then my friend went up to kind of console her was outside of a of a parking uh i mean a apartment complex and this guy was like get the fuck away from my girl he's yelling at her and my buddy's like shut the fuck

up dude you did over the top and then all these dudes come out and it's like 10 dudes on and there's three of us and i was like we're gonna get the shit beat i like literally said it, we're going to get the shit beat. I like literally said, it was like, we're going to get the shit beat out of us. And we did. And we got fucking, we got rocked. One guy got a couple of good shots

and yeah, dude, we got rocked. After I fell to the ground and the guy kicked, I ran as fast as I could. I was like, you're done.

10 guys, it's over. Even if you get one hit in, they're going to get you. Yeah. Get out of there. So I ran. That was like the worst fight I ever had.

That was the worst pain because we were on the ground. We were all getting, getting beat up by multiple people You were getting Goodwill hunting? We were getting hunted Really? Yeah

Getting beat up by multiple, one on one is fine I can lose a one on one fight Oh no, when they're all taking a part of your body When I was young, when it's teaming up on you, you're done dude Do they kick your face? Yeah, kick me in the head, kick me in the back of the head Back of the head I cover, I mean, you know, everybody knows

You go down and cover up as hard as you can Yeah, I bet you do go down. Yeah, I'd go down quick. And I don't come back up. Until I'm done. No, they kicked me in the back of the head. Those hurt the worst. Kicks to the head hurt.

Yeah, it's gross. The sound of it, I remember. It like echoes in your head. That can fuck your brain up. Right? Yeah, dude, I went to, this this is a weird transition but i'll tell you something strange i went to a my buddy's brother is a ear nose and throat yes ent no he's a he's a neuro neuro he's neuro chiropractor so he works with neurology and chiropractic yes because i've had this thing with my back we talked about this but the one thing he wanted to do is put me in this

eye test and they put me in this eye test. And they put you in these goggles. Then you look at all these like scanning moving things on the screen. And then they zoom into your eyes and then they show you what your eyes look like on a separate camera. And he said, look around your retina. You see all that like jagged growth around your retina. It looks like mountains when they zoom in.

And I was like, what is that? He's like, it's protein. That's stress. He's like, that's either from trauma, stress, or physical damage. Getting kicked in the head. That's stress. He's like, that's either from trauma, stress or physical damage. Getting kicked in the head. Getting kicked in the head. And you know what's so fucking, this really actually, you know when you hear something that kind of scares you and you're like, oh man. He goes, I see similar stuff in soldiers with PTSD. Whoa.

I was like, what happened to me as a kid? That's scary. Pretty good amount of trauma. He's like, it's not terrible, but it's present. Because you got kicked in the head or because you're stressed out as a comedian? No, I think it's because as a child, just trauma as a child. Stuff from childhood that fucked you up. Really? It builds proteins in your eyeballs? Around your retina. They do think there's a correlation between people losing their vision and getting bad vision as life goes on from trauma. Yeah, I've heard of somebody getting scared

blind. Scared blind? Scared me blind. Ha! Isn't that a fucking wild thing to hear though? You have protein on your retina from trauma. Does he say it relates to your back? No, this was the whole thing because he's a chiropractor, but he tries to teach you about chiropractics through neurology meaning, it's actually extremely

interesting and nerdy, but so much of your brain Sorry. Idy, but so much of your brain Sorry. I'm listening. So much of your brain dictates your pain waves of where you move pain to. You can move pain. Some of it's called neuroplastic pain, which I've talked to

at Ad Nauseam. There's a great book about it. John Sorno? Have you heard of that guy? Yeah, Sorno. That's why so many people a lot of pain is mental in many people like a lot of pain is like mental in a way. And a lot of pain management takes extensive therapy and a deep dive into different types of trauma. One of my friends had an eyebrow stuck like this and she went to a chiropractor. The rock?

And they moved it down? Yeah. Just one crack in the back? No, a few. Yeah. It took a few. Came in a lot. Yeah. And she was stuck up back? No, a few. Yeah, it took a few. Came in a lot. Yeah.

And she was stuck up like that. It does feel good. No, yeah, pain management is insane, especially because when you're fixing a pain problem, you have to work it out through physical pain exercises, which make it worse. It's so much easier to get Oxy. You're not even kidding.

It's so much more fun, too, to get a drug. Yeah, but I can't shit, and I love to shit. You know, I haven't pooped today Yeah And Pooped enough for the both of us Can't wait You did?

Oh yeah I can't wait Favorite kind of shit Favorite kind of shit Oh ghost poop obviously Oh No way dude You wipe and there's nothing

There's solids I want to know it's there What I want to know who's been there No Hey who's been there No I want to see it But a ghost poop isn't a ghost wipe

No I don't like that What That actually is not healthy That actually is not healthy John letter when you're done It's not healthy Your I don't like that. I want a dear John letter when you're done. Your poop shouldn't, because that means you're a little dehydrated when you have ghost poops. That's a perfect poop. No, it's not. No, you should have anal right after.

It should be a little soft. You should have a little bit of softness. You can't have anal right after, though. I won't condone any gay behavior. You should have a little bit of streaky. A little bit of streaky. It shouldn't be like a... Sometimes I get like a wet.

Like I pissed out my ass. But it's a whole poop. Like a membrane. There's my protein again. My favorite tricks are the ones where you think it's nothing and then it's so much more. Those are my favorites. You must have Mount Rushmore in your eyeballs.

Yeah. I know. My eyes are brown. The mountains in her eyes you think it's so much. Yeah. I know. My eyes are brown. The mountains in her eyes are the fucking Swiss Alps of trauma. Mount Chamonix. On your eye. I see a guy skiing off your eye. Sylvester Stallone's climbing to the top of a cliffhanger.

I love the poops. Sorry. Let's get off of that. I love poops. No poop. let's get off of that I love poops No poop We'll get off of it Get something else I didn't mean to bring it up

Favorite blood Favorite period blood type When I have a Oh That one Whatever that one is That's a good one Oh yeah

The one that looks like You're blowing a bubble Favorite farts Shower farts Pops Yeah it is quick When it questions me What Farts? Shower farts. Pops! Yeah, it is quick. When it questions me.

What? My best trick around my house. I like to fart. And then when my wife is like and does that, just that thing and then I'll go damn it. And I'll just look around at nothing. And she'll go, get out of here.

Get out of here. But out of here. The best. I like staring at nothing for a while. It wasn't me. Yeah. It is me. I like to fart. I like to cleave the house. And everyone knows it's me. How often do you cleave? I don't have sex. Who did that? I'm allergic. When was the last time you had sex? Well, last time I saw you, I was going through

epic breakup number 99. That's right. Since that guy, no sex. No sex since that guy? How many months now? Four. Damn, dude. Chosen celibacy, though? You could get it.

You just don't want it. I don't know. I demand a certain breed. What kind of breed? Mean and Irish. Mean Irish? Stupid bitch. There you go.

All right. You're a little bit of a whore. I'll saddle you up right now. Somebody has to clean up the couch now. So you just want mean Irish? Stupid bitch There you go You're a little bit of a whore Someone has to clean up the couch now You want mean? You want a guy that treats you like shit? Yeah, that's not nice I told her she looked pretty the other night She's like, you gotta stop telling me that

I hate it, the compliments You don't want any compliments? Disgusting Does it make you uncomfortable or your parents fucking your parents never complimented you never no even now my mom said when i told her showed her the half hour i released she went it's not your best work but you're brave for putting it out there and that was her being very nice is your mom that woman from the goonies is that who that is yeah it's

not your best work my mom is the principal from matilda oh yeah, yeah. I like that lady. How cute was that Matilda girl? So cute. Was she cute now? How cute is that host at the cellar? That girl's a cute girl. Was she

the same girl that was in Miss Doubtfire? Yeah, same girl. Same girl. Oh, yeah. Wait, what'd you say? How cute was the host at the cellar?

There's a host that works at the cellar now who I think might be the cutest. Oh, the girl at the front door? I think she might be the cutest human being that's ever existed. Was I there? Did I see her last night? You probably have seen cutest. Oh, the girl at the front door? I think she might be the cutest human being that's ever existed.

Was I there? Did I see her last night? She's a tiny girl. You probably have seen her. Tiny person? Tiny little girl. She just has a cute little... Is she funny? You ever see a little blue pitbull? No, she's a host host. Oh, the door hostess. Hostess. I thought you meant host comic. Ian said something sexual about her and I lost my shit at that.

What'd you say? I said she was fucking cute. That's not sexual. No, I did not. Don't fucking put that in my mouth. You'd you say? What'd you say? I said she was fucking cute. That's not sexual. You said something like, I can get it. No, I did not. Don't fucking put that in my mouth. You said, do you think I can get it? I did not say that. Oh yeah, I think I heard you say that. I think I heard, now that I remember you going, you think I can smash that

bitch? That's what he said. That was weird. I should have said something. Well, I wanted to know! I said no. I'll to know! I said no. I'll figure it out to do it. What did this basement used to be? A sad, sad world where a man named Carl lived.

Carl used to live down here? Yeah, who used to get... What happened to him? Who used to get medical tested. He died. He hit his head. He's no head. He's not here anymore? He's not here no more. He hit his head.

Ian would like to hit his head because Carl owes Ian rent. How much? We didn't talk about that. Listen here, Carl. 800. We'll get it out of him. Enough for him to call and he left his bicycle here and he hit Ethan up and was like

Hey I'd like to get my bike back So I called Carl and I go Hey fucko He skipped out on rent he ain't getting the bike back I sold it to Joe DeRosa and he ain't even gonna use it He can't ride a bike It's hanging up at the sandwich shop right now Yeah he's making some prosada sandwiches off of it

Hey Gabagool I love that shop Joey Rose's Such good sandwiches He's making so prosada sandwiches off of it. Hey, Gabagool. Hey. How come there's no Gabagool? I love that shop. Joey Roses. It's great. Such good sandwiches. Good people. Good sandwiches.

Joey Roses. Sandwichhop.com. What's the address? I was just going to say the address. I forget. It's in the East Village, isn't it? Lower East Side. Oh, it's the Lower East Side?

Ribbington. Rivi. Go down to Ribbington. Come to Joey Roses. Yes. We're going to be here for you when you need me to be. You know. I love foreign guys that don't know what they're talking about.

When do you need me to be? No, we're going to be open for you to be whenever you have it for us. So have it, we will. What time do you guys open? Oh, 6.40, maybe. 17 o'clock. What time? We are here right now. You come in now. No, I can't come in right now. No, we're going to be here. We areclock. What time? We are here right now.

You come in now. No, I can't come in right now. We're going to be here. We're here. I am looking at you. Turn around. I'm not here. My wife is going to be here.

Someone will be here. All are closed. So maybe close. We open every day. 27 hours a day. No problem. No problem. That's Italy, by the way.

That's every shop in Italy. What time do you guys open? I don't know. They just close. They'll just close. I think that's so fucking rad to be like, I'm going to close.

To be able to close a business and go fuck off and close it and there's no like... Yeah, but have you ever been the guy that tries to get in the business when it's closed?

It's frustrating. Nah, fuck off. But they're right though. Fuck you. I need something. Yeah, but we have a restaurant right next to his house that closes at 3 p.m.

That place can suck my fat cock. 3 p.m.? That's not even a real time. They're so good. They're delicious and they're assholes. They're amazing. They're not assholes. They're good people.

They're very nice. They're not a breakfast place. Yes, they are. They exclusively serve breakfast. So no lunch. No pancakes. They do have pancakes. We had pancakes there the other day.

It's all greens and eggs. You are so misinformed on everything. It's really good. Be nice. It's the best. Be nice. He freaks out. I love them.

They're very nice. But they close at three and that's it. Yeah. But that's okay if they're mostly breakfast meals. They are 98% breakfast. What I will say that pisses me off about New York now is you used to, everything was 24. Nothing's 20.

What's 24? There's only two diners open now. What the fuck is going on? But what is that even? I don't even get. They do this. Like that kid would have been serving at a diner, but now he's underground helping with a podcast.

Oh, yeah. And be careful of the proton pack. When you sit down, don't dim. It is expensive. You can touch it. By the way, I'm doing this now because I watched Love on the Spectrum last night. And now autistic people are working jobs that normal people should be working. Like I went to Delta with my puppy and I was like.

Normal people? Yeah, regulars. Like the show? Good people. Good people. Goodies, goodies, goodies. I like it. And I go up to the service desk at Delta and I'm like, this is my dog.

And she's like, well, I see that you have a service animal, but it also says that it's a created animal. It can't be both at once. You only have one dog, don't you? And I was like, well, I see that you have a service animal, but it's also says that it's a created animal. It can't be both at once. You only have one dog, don't you? And I was like, yeah, that's right. And she's like, but it's in two places at once. And that means it's, and I was like, look at me, we're going to be okay. We're going to get through this. And by the end of this exchange, it's going to be written down once and we'll be, and she was like, okay, thank you. And I was like, I should be back. What are you doing back there? Go back underground. She needs a job. She needs to, you know, I think in like Germany or Switzerland or something, they or no. Don't say Germany. Don't. Let's not do Germany.

Don't do Germany. Spain. Some place that isn't here. They elected an elected official a politician with Down Syndrome. I just saw that. Spain. We just talked about it on the show. Yeah. Well, they have a cop. The Down Syndrome cop. Proud of him. Wait, where is that?

I saw a video of a Oh, I saw him getting. Oh, he got knighted. No, he was knighted. Oh, he was a cop. Proud of him. Wait, where is that? I saw a video of a kid. Oh, I saw him getting, oh, he got knighted. No, he was knighted. Oh, he was a cop. The queen. No. The queen knighted him.

He was being a cop and then the cop was giving him. You're a special little boy. Do you like the monarchy? We have to remind him that crayons are not handcuffs He's the only cop that doesn't arrest black guys

There's a cop in the background who's like a real cop Like a normal cop Yeah Sorry Real and normal These words are heavy He's a regular cop And he's standing behind the guy being like

And he looks like he has Down syndrome And I'm like oh yeah No that was they wanted to guess Guess who has Down syndrome Yeah yeah it was like, oh yeah. Oh, that's, no, that was, they wanted to guess, guess who has Down syndrome. It was like that. Who wore it better? Guess who? Is this dress purple or blue? Down syndrome.

Okay. Are these stains crackers or coffee? And you said the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Wait, Down syndrome Barbie? What did I say? What did I say? I told you in the green room at Bad Friends, I was like, yeah, they have a Down syndrome Barbie. Maybe I had a joke about it at the time.

And I was like, they're Down syndrome Barbie. And you're like, really? How do you, how can you tell Down syndrome? Is she petting a cat too hard? She comes with a cat and the cat's like, the back is arched. It's in physical pain. Comes with pants already shat. Pre-shat pants.

Mommy, she shit herself. She always does, sweetie. Yeah, the Spain Down Syndrome. She's on Parliament or something. She's on there. That is fucking wild, though. Hey, man. Fuck yeah, dude.

We've been doing it for a long time we got we got we got one in there right now we've done presidents yeah local elected officials no those guys are okay those guys do nothing wrong they're good people i think it is really sad that we're entering a time when, like, Logan and Jake Paul have more political influence than anybody could ever have in politics. And I'm not taking a shot at them. I just mean we've gone so far down our own social rabbit hole. Yeah. Who's Logan and Jake Paul?

Ron Paul's kids? Ron Paul's kids. Rand Paul's kids. Rand Paul's son. And Rand Paul's nephew. Yeah,'s son. And Rand's nephew. Wait, Ron Paul was sick. And Paul Pierce's neighbor. They all live next to that guy. Yes, and Peter Paul and Mary

actually are delegates. Gotcha. And Paul McCartney's annoying. It's a statement. I don't know. We got you. Got you, Goo Goo. Shut the fuck up. They're doing things? They're internet kids, but they're like billion goo. Shut the fuck up. Jake and, Jake and, they're doing things? They're internet kids, but they fuck, they're like billionaires.

People listen to them. Yeah, they're so popular. Jordan Peterson popular? Way bigger. Really? They're with the kids. What do you mean Jordan Peterson popular? Oh, with the kids.

Yeah. Jordan Peterson? That's not, you know, that's the problem, Jordan, with someone like you. You're just a dumb cunt. When exactly did Elliot Page's titties become Elliot Page's? When were they Ellen Page's? Jordan, you need to wipe the shit out of your pussy. Was that a Jordan Peterson?

If you have shit in your pussy, nobody's going to be monogamous with you. No, I'll say, girls like Jordan always have poop in their puss. Always. Always. He starts crying. It isn't obvious to me. That's what he. Always. It isn't obvious to me. It isn't obvious to me. Take your bed and wipe the shit out of your pussy.

Oh my god. I'm glad my mom. Mom's watching. Mom, thanks for watching the show. Pussy poop. Is this a funny bit? Guy who thinks all pussies are big and fat and he goes like this. No. What about guys? This is it.

Too tight. Oh, that's a big one. like this. No, what about guys? Too tight. Oh, that's a big one. Or this. Or a guy that eats pussy like this. Whoa! Why does he do the wrist thing at first? Ian?

Come on down. I think I'm going to start this up. This was a... This was got to be what? I hated that. 90s? Was this the 90s? Oh, yeah.

Eat me. Eat me raw. This grosses me out. John Marco does this. What year was this? Suck it. Suck it. 98.

90s. Suck it. They would get crazy. I just saw the intro to my special, and I jump up and do a suck it. And we're keeping it in. Fuck you. Really? That's funny.

Yeah, yeah. What about this? When did this start? Louis C.K. in. Fuck you, really? That's funny. What about this? When did this start? Louis C.K. No. Has he started it? No. What year was this? This is when somebody went, what was that? That's Italy. 1907.

Hey, fuck it. Hey, I'm putting the evil eye on you. We got Ace. Well, no. People used to do this and then it evolved to that. I didn't even think about the Louis Jacky off. In his comedy, he always would be like, fucking. Yeah, that is true.

He would do that. Yeah. But this, it used to just go like that. It used to be just, I liked it. It was cooler when it was just, fuck you. That was a fuck you. That's really. I like.

This is lame. I didn't like that. Not just, it's rude. Like, fuck you. It is. But like, who gives a shit like that? Yeah, that's a fuck you. This is lame. I didn't like that shit. Not just it's rude. Who gives a shit like that? Yeah, that's a cool one. Yes, that's very Daisy Confused. Oh, this. See, that's interesting. Is your mom an immigrant? Italian.

Or her dad was. What about this? Because immigrants hold it, but Americans threw it away. This was this is what? Italian. Is it Italiano? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What is that? Just two penises? Oh, he's gonna do it with his dick right now. What about this? What? No, no, no.

You're not allowed to do this? No, no, it's what Italians do. Yeah, that is what Italians do. How come I sit on my lap, huh? Look at that fucking belt. That is a big boy belt. That's a big boy belt. That's a big boy belt. I wipe my own ass.

That really is. That's a nice one. And are you native? Yes. That's a native belt. Yes. And you always like, oh, you wear a lot of opal. No, I'm not native, but I love Native American spirituality, culture.

I'd like to read. Listen to this. Oh, ye people, be ye healed. Life anew, I bring unto ye. Oh this Oh ye people be ye healed Life anew I bring unto ye Oh ye people be ye healed Life anew I bring unto ye Is this a Metallica song? Shut up I'm praying

Oh ye people I heard him do this Life anew I bring unto ye Oh ye people Be ye healed Life anew I bring unto ye. O ye people, be ye healed. Yeah. Life anew I bring unto ye. Through the fire over all I do thus.

Life anew I bring unto ye. This is hurting. Wait, let me see. Let me see. Is this really a, is this a Bible? Yeah, that was from Good Eagle. Oh yeah, that was a good album. You can't be good.

That can't be your Indian name is Good Eagle. Well, it's better than his nephew, Fair Enough Bird. Mediocre. Mediocre. Fair Enough Bird. I like that. These are a bit longer. Put it away.

We don't need to read that. It's my prayer book. Yeah, feel free. He goes, put it away. You go, yeah, feel free. There you go. Do you want to become blood brothers? Yeah, man.

You start. How'd you get that cut on your hand? Huh? How'd you get that cut on your hand? Opening an Amazon box? That's my guess. Jeff Bezos. He did it.

I slid it on a... Don't say slit. I slit. I slid my thumb into some girl's... That's a slot. That's a cavern. That's a slot. That's a parking garage. That's a sealed over conch shell. How much to park there? No, you gotta knock to get there.

What is that, seven bucks an hour? You gotta chisel it all. Hey, do you... You need a pickaxe. Ian, you've had... You've had sex. Sex workers, though, yeah? You have. Yeah, every day. How often do you think you've gotten sex? Met one last night or two nights ago. Hold on, wait. What's that called?

Not do you valet park, do you when they stamp the parking? Validate. Validate. Yep. Do you validate? Gotta validate that parking spot. Is that worth it for you? I think something's happened to my brain.

Sometimes it's like things don't come out of my mouth, right? It's happened to my brain. It's like things don't come out of my mouth, right? It's a lack of oxygen. You think it's, you can say it. You think it's the booster? Oh, yes. Do you know why so many of our friends are getting cancer?

Who's getting cancer? Everybody you know. Tooth and throat singing Metallica. No, that's Godsmack. That's Godsmack. Metallica. No, that's Godsmack. Metallica's more of a You have to stop screaming, Ethan says. They don't sound like that.

Oh, yeah, I see. Yeah, he does that. Touch within, walk within. Keep you away from sin. Touch within, walk within. Touch within. Touch with him, walk with him. Keep away from sin. I with him. Walk with him. Touch with him. Touch with him. Walk with him. Keep away from sin.

I am a crossing god. Light is green. Must you go? No one here. Don't touch your... Walk with him. Touch his hand. Buddy system.

Wait till you see the red red lights cross the street. But wave my hand. We're off to Never Neverland.

Oops, you dropped your bag lunch. Oops, you dropped your bagged lunch. Oops, you dropped your bag again. Touch with him. Walk with him. Keep you free from... Just teaching somebody how to exist. Touch with him. Walk with him.

A dad giving a sex talk. Touch her here, not over... Did you guys get sex talks? Yeah. You did? No, no, no. My mom gave me a book called What's Happening to My Body. It was like, just read this. What's happening? My dad said that sex is the

most important thing. I thought sex was just a black guy in a red hat. I never got the talk. We never even remotely came close to it. I mean, I went to my mom. I was like, I think I had sex. And she was like, did you fuck up your sheets? It was like that.

Oh, my God. So supportive. Yeah. We were having sex very young. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 15. That's not that young. What do you mean?

That's normal. How old was the fellow? It took a while to get his ex. You know what I mean? Yeah. How old was the guy? I got my period after sex. How old was the guy when you were 15? after sex. 42. How old was the guy

when you were 15? He was 15? I was 16. What were you? 19. I had a girl at a sleepover who wanted to do stuff.

What are you laughing at? Touch with him. I said to her, I go, touch with him. Touch with him. Suck my hem. Touch with him. Suck with him. Don said to her, I go, touch with him. Touch with him. Suck my ham. Touch with him.

Suck with him. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. It's just really like the idea of photography and practical people just teaching you how to walk around. Cross how to walk. Hey, look, Gab, it's okay. It'll be safe for you.

Don't dip too much. 20% is too much. 20% is too much for the job Gap Can we talk about that? Oh no, Jack Jensen Are you Jack Johnson? You're a big Jack Johnson? Jack Johnson is my dad who died of cigarettes And he sounded like that before he died

Wow, I thought he was that beach singer That was also my dad That was your dad? Yeah What was the song he sang? Jet Ski Johnson. That is better when we're together. What was the song?

Nam and dam ba deem ba deem dom. Yeah, it was ba ba da ba deem dom. Ba ba da ba da ba deem dom. Wait, what were you talking about before I interrupted you? I'm sorry. Oh, your sex talk. You were gay and stuff. What?

Ba ba da ba da ba deem dom. What happened? You had sex with a girl at 19? Was it a girl or a boy? What was your first boy? When? Heaven. First touchy-touch or sucky-suck?

All the above. Sucky-suck 11. Yeah, same. Touchy-touch first or second grade? Yeah, same. I was touching dick in first grade. Andrew's in another place. You was first... 11?

You got the parts. That's very young. 12. 8th grade. First time you put your finger in your butt. One year old. Never. Didn't. Get out of town and come on back. You really never put your finger in your butt? Ever? Get out of here and stay a while

and then make your way to here. I'll wake up with my finger in my butt. I do it now, yeah. I'm doing it right now. Be an Ian. You never did it? A girl shoved her finger up her butt and made me smell it when we were in first grade. That girl's cool.

That girl's rad. What's she up to? She was my first kiss. In first grade, she came home. And she went like this? Yeah. She sat next to me and kissed me. And I go, oh, wow. I really like that. You can do that whenever you want.

She did it again. I fell out of my chair. And my mom laughed so hard she had to leave the house. You really? Do you remember this? Uh-huh. God, my memory's so bad. It was like a Fisher-Price. leave the house. Do you remember this? God, my memory is so bad.

I remember it was a Fisher-Price fake picnic table with four chairs we were sitting on. And then she shoved her finger up her bum one day at recess and made me smell it. I would play 9-11 on recess. After 9-11 we'd dig burrows under the playground and

hide from terrorists. How old were you when 9-11 happened? Fifth grade. Wow. Crazy. 17. were you when 9-11 happened? Fifth grade Wow I know Crazy 17 You guys played 9-11 fun yard games What did you play?

We played 9-11 Maybe we have to go to war We gotta go to war Maybe I have to go I was old enough to go to war Yeah That's crazy My play 9-11 was dodging the draft

Did you? There was no draft No But there should have been We should have gone over there dude I remember talking to this kid at the mall And he had his shaved head He's like I'm going over there

As if he was just going to get in his mom's minivan I'm going It's way further than you think man Did you go to prom? I did go to prom What year did you graduate high school? 2002 No shit dude Yeah dude prom. I did go to prom. What year did you graduate high school? Oh, two. Oh, two?

Oh, two. Oh, three. No shit, dude. Yeah, dude. Oh, two. Yeah, graduated oh, two. Oh, three. You're 39? 39, dude. When you turned 40? December 31st. Is it scary? Oh, fuck. Is it scary? I think this year it's on a Saturday. Yeah, it's on Saturday. Crazy that you know that.

Yeah, we'll go to fucking Tony's. Yeah. Tony's house. Joey Rose's. Yeah, Joey. Go to fucking Tony's. Yeah. Tony's house. Joey Rose's. Yeah, Joey. Go to Joey Rose's. Oh, dude, we go to Joey Rose's. I had sex in that bathroom one time. No shit, dude. I had sex in almost every stall at the gutter.

Lie. True. True. Same guy. Same guy. Big old hug. Worked there. He's a pin monkey.

Works at the bowling alley. It's a pin setter. No, that's a dog. Right. A pin setter. That's what's a dog. Right, a pin setter. That's what they got back. Imagine a dog just setting up pins. How funny would that be? That'd be awesome.

Let's go. Move it, move it. A dog's trying to take a nap. Will you play that instrument for me? Yes. What are you doing here for your movie? Press What does that look like? What is that like?

Did you not want me to play? Shut up I mean, what's happening? What's it like? You only need a second of that Yeah You don't need more than that Press for a movie is like

Yeah, what are you doing in this town of ours? I don't want to see more than you guys Tell us You just go and you go to a room Press for a movie is like What are you doing in this town of ours? I wanted to see more of you guys Tell us You just go and you go to a room with fucking Corporate press people And they're like we have to do commercial shoots For like when it airs on TV So you have to wear a certain outfit?

Yeah They give it to you? No Men don't get stylists Usually women either require them in their contracts or they have their own. When I did late night they were like we can't do anything. There's nothing they can fix. They can't fix that.

I had a car hard on. They were like I don't know. You're totaled. We can't fix this. Take it to the junkyard. I mean we can sell it for scraps but it's not going to be much. This is the bit right? This is the bit. I was like I want it here in makeup. And they're like, no, good one. They don't.

They don't. No, you'd have to pay for it. That is what's funny about the businesses. It's so fucking janky. But like women, like I'm sure like fucking what's her name? Like Jennifer Lawrence. I'm sure she has like a whole team and a package that's included in her. But like when we go do press and stuff, no, there's nobody like.

No, you have a handler that like picks you up and tells you what room to go to. And then you go in there. She's there. Yeah. I fuck black guys. Okay. Shut the fuck up. But I also go to Africa and help black people not to be confused with the black guys. I'm fucking a lot of blacks. Black, blacks, blacks. No. Yeah. They don't really do do They don't do shit You just show up And And you do a shoot Like a trailer

Yeah we'll do a bunch of trailers And all that shit It's honestly It's just like the same questions Over and over right A lot of times It's stuff that they They email you

What they want you to do And then you just say No I want to just do it like this And then And then they do have questions Yeah like There's always something That's like

Who's the wackiest on set And it's like nobody we're taught everyone just doing it yeah i was tired you were up at four and you're shooting till eight or nine p.m nobody's like pulling who's pulling pranks it's like nobody you're exhausted was a big prankster on set yeah because he probably showed up for like two hours and left and he was late i'm sure every day he was lit oh yeah he was fucked up. He was having fun. Yeah, he's the man. I just rewatched What About Bob like three times in a row. What about Bob? The best

fucking movie. Have you ever seen it? Fuck you. It's my favorite. Do you have a salt substitute? Comedy of all time. Have I seen it? I can pull out the real, real lines. Oh, miss it. Me and my mom at my house. My mom still goes, when we eat lines. Oh, Mrs. M. Me and my mom at my house, my mom still goes, when we eat, we go, Mrs. M.

My mom does it all the time. My dad's like, cut it out. Would you stop it? Yeah, that's my dad. My dad is Richard Dreyfuss, literally. What's he do when he calls over and he goes, your sister's on the line? And he goes, the patient-doctor agreement is that you do

not violate trust. When you call and pretend you were my sister, you are violating trust. That's exactly right. Lake Winnipesaukee. Going up to Lake Winnipesaukee. Lake Winnipesaukee. I know. I'm a sailor. I sail.

Ahoy! Oh, it's such a good film. It's more quotable to me than all the other over-quoted films. Like the over-quoted Borats or all that shit. To me, what about Bob Hess? So many lines. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic. And so

am I. That's really good. He's incredible. And that's all improv. That scene of him in the, that was all improv. Him in the psych ward or whatever really? yeah learning earning their respect they said

from what I heard they did a bunch of different takes of it and that's the one they chose I just rewatched Groundhog Day and it was so comforting just being

just his he's incredible in that and he does exactly what all of us would do you'd rob a bank eat as much smoke as much drink as much

do whatever you want kill yourself every single day we would do the same thing you know they've taught that movie in colleges and philosophy classes because people try to figure out how many days and years each iteration of it is.

Like how many years did it take for him to master flicking cards? How many days did it take for him to do certain things? And then it brings up all these philosophical questions of was it 10,000 days or 10,000 years that he was stuck in this loop? How long did it take him to figure these things out? It was one week. Three days.

You learn piano, he's a concert pianist. Look, I gotta fuck this girl. What was her drink? He remembered her drink. What was her drink? Sweet vermouth on the rocks. That's right. With a twist. Are you crazy? And what did she toast to? You guys are dorks.

World peace. How do you not know this? I don't know it. Jesus fucking Christ. I just watched it again for the first time in years. Watch out for that step. It's a doozy. Yeah, alright, you got it. You got one. Bing! I could do all of Liar Liar. Ned! You can do Liar Liar? 100% of it. All of it. Go ahead.

I'm trying to think of a niche thing now that I know if you know it that well. What I'm going to do is I'm going to piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe. Tailpipe is such a great...

That's such a great word. Hi, Mr. Reed. Do you like my hair? And he goes, whatever takes the focus off your face. So good. Yeah. He was so good.

Or he's a pedantic pontificating bastard, a belliginal fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung. Figuratively speaking. God, that's so good. Wow, that was good. I didn't know that one. I don't know any of those. You make up for all your lack of everything else.

I know all of our, I used to watch it obsessively. I wrote him letters, Jim Carrey letters. Did he write you back? Never. Because he's on a, and now he's on a real philosophical kick, man. Because I would write Jim Carrey and put it in the box. Oh, with his long hair. Yeah, I just watched one last

night when I was brushing my teeth. That's very funny that we're talking about this, but I watched it last night and I got a little bummed out by it. Nothing matters! He's on these rants and you're like, didn't you kill your No, but it's just like nothing matters. What do you mean nothing matters? But he does some cool...

Like when he was on the red carpet and he was like, I decided to go to the place where everything was narcissistic and people were insane. And she was like, well, thanks for being here, Jim. Him trolling them is funny, but he's still a part of it. That's what the irony is. If you really wanted to be cool, you would just get out of it completely. That's my problem. He's very annoying. It's like when someone's like, fuck the machine.

It's like, you're still playing with it. Yeah. Stop playing with it. If you don't like it so much, move to the woods. What about when Matt Stone and Trey Parker took acid and went to the award show in dressing? So that's them actually fucking with the machine and then they don't fuck with it. They go, they show up, they

shit on them and then they never show up again. Matt Stone and Trey Parker from South Park. That's awesome. They showed up on Acid and he dressed up like Jennifer What can I think of her name? Jennifer Lopez. And anytime they got asked a question they'd be like, this is a beautiful night. It's nice to be around so many stars.

What's up with the dresses? They'd be like, beautiful night. It's good to be here. Just amazing being around so many stars. That's awesome. If you're going to do it, that's the fun way to do it. I don't like it when if you say fuck the machine, that's rad. But then you can't be near the machine anymore.

Can I just say one thing real quick? Sure. Always can. Always do. Go ahead. Meanie, weanie, meanie, weanie. You guys are so mean to each other, but it's wonderful. Go ahead. Say your thing. Let's see what it is. You both do it. I do it out of, but it's wonderful. Go ahead. Say your thing. Let's see what it is. You both do it. I do it out of love.

So does she. Go ahead. I don't want to. No, come on. What is it? I really want to know. I need to know. Please.

I won't be. Yeah. Come on. Come on, kiddo. Oh, please. Tell us, daddy. How cool is it that Warren Zevon, when he was dying, wrote an album about his own death? And he has a song called Keep Me in Your Heart, which is...

Keep me in your heart for a while. Black star David Bowie did that, too. Not the same. No. Not the same thing. No. What do you mean? He had cancer.

He had cancer. He was dying. He made a bug bar. He made a bug bar. He made a bug same. No. Not the same thing. No. What do you mean? He had cancer. He was dying. He made a bug bar. He made a bug bar. He made a bug bar. Yeah, but this. When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun, keep me in your heart for a while. That's so sad. By the way.

Yeah. It is a tear. Da da da da da da da da da da da da. Dude, it's so beautiful And by the way His last words Or his last advice on Letterman Enjoy every sandwich

Oh, that's the thing You made me take a picture in front of you That I was trying to tell you about And you didn't listen until someone else was here And also Such a good line You didn't tell me Sandwiches are so

Fucking good They're the best I had a sandwich last night At one in the morning At my hotel They are such a good Common denominator Like common ground thing

To talk to people about Everybody likes sandwiches They're the best food They're all foods together Nobody doesn't want sandwiches You know what my favorite sandwich is? Go Peanut butter pickle

What are you pregnant? Yeah What are you always pregnant? What are you a fat bitch? Are you a fatty patty I love it we had it as kids My mom always made it This is what you eat

You were poor Yeah but dude How many poor people do we know that are like I had mayo sandwiches I had ketchup sandwich We weren't trash poor we were hippie poor I love bologna sandwiches Bologna sandwiches are the best.

You ever have cooked spam? But I'll tell you this. Dude, you ever have bologna, cheese, mayo, mustard? Pickle and peanut butter. Come on. That's the best sandwich. On white bread?

On white bread. Let's go to town. Cut. So it's cinched? So it's cinched? Peanut butter and pickle? Yeah. No, no.

It is good. I've had it. No. Really? No, it is good. Yeah, I've had peanut butter and pickle. Clawson's? It's Clawson's. Still. Pickle had it. No, it is good. Yeah, I've had peanut butter pickle. Clawson's? It's Clawson's pickle.

What is going on? Smooth peanut butter pickle. Is this show sponsored by Clawson? You brought it up ten times. Never. Not once. Hey, I'm coming out of the Clawson. Oh my God. This show's been pretty crisp, though.

It has been fun front to back. Crisp? Got a good snap on it. Clausen's pickle. Do you have guests on your podcast? What? Is it primarily do you have just you and Bobby

with Jet Ski? You switch. No, we sometimes she's not she's often not there because she's on the road. I had so much fun with her in Austin. She's the fucking best.

We had such a good time. She's a sweetie. We scared her on this podcast. Nah, nah, you didn't. She told me. She had a blast. Dude, we were watching like Tony and David Lucas like roasting the audience in like such a fucking

like demoralizing way. And when they'd come off the stage, me and her were both like, you're a really good person. Your leg isn't that fucked up. We were nice complimenting them to make sure they didn't... There needs to be a therapist in the back that's like, everyone's just kidding.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what we were saying. We were like, these are just jokes. Your skin condition isn't that bad. But it is true. Every kid around the country who has just like a insane disability is like, I've got to go on kill tony it's like it's like it's it's almost like what it's like it's like howard stern would just be like how many weirdos can we get yeah kill tony's like what hold my beer the greatest thing

i ever saw was new year's eve me and duncan are walking down the street and a guy is holding a dog and his shirt says, kill yourself. And he goes, oh my God, guys, I just did my first set of kill. And he runs into the pole and the dog goes,

ah, ah. And he drops the dog and he goes, ow, my head. And I would just go on. It was such a perfect example. Of Kill Tony. Yeah.

Of the Kill Tony cruise. That's a shirt that says, kill yourself. It. Of the Kill Tony cruise. That's a shirt that says kill yourself. It is a good collection of fucking the weirdest people on earth. And they found a, what a,

they're playing, aren't they playing The Garden? Dude, it's amazing. What? That's what I heard. I love doing that shit. What do you mean they are playing? As in they are having

a panel of people. A live podcast. They're doing a live podcast on The Garden. From Madison Square Garden. Yeah. And I'm playing it too. I'm playing, but I'm playing guitar. Which is fun Garden. Yeah. And I'm playing it too. I'm playing it,

but I'm playing guitar. Which is fuck because I don't play guitar, but I booked it, so. That'd be crazy. You'll figure it out. It would be so dope to book like a huge theater tour

but not do stand up. Yeah. Just get up there and do something else. Well, that's what Louis did when he did MSG recently where he just had a jazz band open for like a long time.

Really? And he only did like 20 minutes. It was somebody from Coltrane, actually, or something like that. John Coltrane? No. There's no band called Coltrane. You mean Coldplay?

No, it was... Coltrane. No. Trains. Drops of Jupiter. No. Cold World. Cold War Kids.

It was somebody big. Cold War Kids. Who's... John Coltrane? What's he like? John Coltrane's dead. Okay, it wasn't him. It was gone long.

They could have had him up there. We got a Bernie. Joe Biden. They had somebody play for a really long time. And then John Fish went on. It was a hologram. Dizzy collapsing. A wah-wah-ba-doo.

Wah-wah-ba-doo. It's just a hologram. Oh, yeah. That's Domino. For a really long time. Little Richard was there. Jordan, I think you've been in a coma. It was somebody big, but I can't remember who.

But they opened too long. It was a long time. Yeah, I think it'd be nice to book a tour, but not do stand-up. I think it'd be fun to throw a band. I want to sing in a hardcore band so bad. You could. Yo, there's a band, Manchester United Kingdom, going off. Shout out.

They have a new album coming out. They had me sing on one of their tracks. Their band is, Manchester United Kingdom, going off. Shout out. They have a new album coming out. They had me sing on one of their tracks. Their band is called Manchester United Kingdom? Their band is called Going Off. They're a really good hardcore band. They have a new album coming out, and I sang on one of the tracks. What did you sing? It sounds a little something like this.

Play. Kidding. Oh, Ian. Sorry. You don't do that. You don't want that. Why do you have that Just get a gun

Get a gun Just get a gun Lenny Marcus How about a gun How about a gun How about a gun I'll shoot you I'll shoot you

How about I shoot you In the fucking head Can I see that What do you think of that You didn't know Yeah look at this Hand it to me with the The zapper out

Tase yourself It feels good You can tase yourself Yeah it's like a shot of espresso Wow god no No I don't want to No Andrew When you see it you you go, no.

When you feel it, yeah. If I do it, you'll do it. I just said taste yourself. You know, when you do it, you'll do it. You didn't do it. I just watched you. No, no. Nice try. Do your neck. I hate this game.

Don't do your neck. Don't do it, dude. Cut off your brain. You can do your leg. No. I mean, no. That's great. You still said we'd be blood brothers. Let's cut each other's dicks off. Let's cut this episode off. Okay, yeah, let's end. Bye.

That was so good. Cut our dicks off. Oh, yeah, hey! I don't know when this comes out. Two weeks, two weeks. Uh, I'm on tour.

Me and Bobby Lee are on tour. Me and my favorite little dumpling are on tour. Go to bad friends, pod.com, bad friends, pod.com. We got, I don't know,

like six cities left or something like that. Seven cities left. And then we're not touring for a lot. We won't tour again until 2025. Whoa. Together. We're just going to do our separate things. We want long, we won't tour again until 2025. Whoa. Together. We're just going to do our separate things, so we want to work on ours.

That's the best. And I'm also, I'm in a movie that'll be out on Amazon called Ricky Sineke. Go watch that. That'll be funny, I hope. It will be. It will be. We'll see you next time.