Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 084: Spaghetti Time W/ Fahim Anwar , Brendan Sagalow , & Mike Recine

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

Telling jokes and having smokes Riding back so through the night It's a wild ride when you're being eaten Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being eaten Being eaten But it's a wild ride when you're being in, being in. Life is shit, but you're positive.

Let's find out what it's like to live a life being in, being in with Jordan. BLEEEE! Come on, blow it. Oh, I don't care. Do you know how to blow it blow it like a trumpet? No, no, no, no Is that how you do it That far right here was so far off you ready Okay It was so far off. You ready? Okay, it's been a while

That's good, that's good. Okay, where does that come from? Welcome back to another episode of be any in with Jordan folks as you tell, Jordan's kind of been through a lot. I ate too much pussy and I got fat. The road has not been going to Jordan. What happened to Coyote? I don't wanna do this show anymore. Jordan is out on the road. There's a scheduling snafu, but I couldn't be happier to have this crew.

Our BFFs to the show, Brandon Sagalo, Mike Racine, our guest of the day, Fahim Amwar. Would you like to blow? Me? How is it supposed to sound like? Is it supposed to be crystal clear? Yeah, right? So that's best case scenario. Best case scenario, yeah. Whoa! That's good! Wow! Have you been playing it for the first time? I played trumpet in high school. No, he played this in band.

Oh my god! Why don't you take one of these horns to play over there? See in a fat little race, you play trumpet in band. It would be so funny. Yeah. Racine went to the school where they did Mad Max games where they're killing each other and everything. And he had to come out and we'll get rid of that joke. We're going to cut that joke out. Right? You're going somewhere. No, I felt it. It's awful. Well, Fahim, you're in New York. You're staying in midtown. You flew into the wrong airport. You're like, LaGuardia, you fucked up. Why did you do JFK? I don't know any better. You were in LA. I saw you at the comedy store. Yes. How was that? How

long were you in LA for? Wonderful. I was there Sunday to Friday. Okay. Yeah. Well, that Uber from LaGuardia? We'll kill you. Oh Yeah, what money? I mean, I'm sorry from JFK from JFK. Yeah What about the people that go to Newark? You know, it's not that big as you can take New Jersey transit there and it's like 20 minutes from Penn Station Yeah, yeah, welcome back to airport with asshole That's joking. Stop laughing at me. Little bit of the whole pocket. He's just airport advising him. He wouldn't be laughing how much you know about it. This is the airport show. Yeah. Yeah.

Welcome back to airport with asshole. I mean. I want to know what's your- I did steal my wife's Christmas present from the airport in Des Moines. Oh yeah. Okay. Do you steal from the airport?

Like what? What would you steal? Like water. That's crazy. I would never fuck with your airport. You would just like walk by and grab some sun jibs and keep it moving? Yeah. No way. Why not? I Mean especially he can't do it, but I'm not gonna fuck yeah

That he gets caught stealing he just acts Italian He's like, I was gonna fucking pay for it. I thought you were all those Amazon things. You just started just robbing. I love that. Hey, I'm a hard working person of color over here. So wait, when you stole, okay. So he stole his wife's Christmas gift and he texted me a bag and was like, look what I just got. Like a, no,

I thought Ian thought I stole someone's bag. He just stole a stranger's bag. Wait. So you got, uh, you got dead by a like, um, airport bag and you just stole it. A backpack. Yeah. We've been here for a backpack. Just grab it and walk out. Yeah. So from like a Hudson news, hanging outside enough where you can just sort of, you take it off the rack, Just grab it and walk out. Yeah. So from like a Hudson news hanging out Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can just sort of you take it off the rack you do a lap around the store like pretend it was yours are you not confused oh my head injuries

and then she knows that it's stolen or she doesn't know she doesn't know what happens you guys can keep that to yourselves that'd be great she doesn't know what happens. You guys can keep that to yourselves. That'd be great She thinks I paid $80 for the for the backpack What would have happened if you got caught I Don't know I don't think you will I don't think you really lean heavy on the Go I think I would go like all right You got me I'd act like bad guy in a movie Sir put the bag I'm in one of those little cars. Whoops. All right.

You know, you're a motorized scooter. He just got it and it falls over. You know, you could take those carts anywhere. Wait, which carts? What? You know, the guys that drive the carts at the airport? You could go up and take them anywhere. You could go on a ride.

You could take it home from the airport. I thought it was like handicapped people. Anybody? Yeah. Just hop on. Just hop on. Yeah. Whoa. Do you know how many things you can do in this world that you could just ask?

Yeah. Wow. Squeaking wheel gets the grease. Are you guys tired of using your legs? Just hop on. I saw this Reddit post that they said, like some of the easiest things you could do is just ask for upgrades.

Like on a plane, you just go, do you have any upgrades at the counter? Or when you get to a hotel, you go, do you have any upgrades at the counter? Or when you get to a hotel, you go, do you have any upgrades? And a lot of times they just will do it. But people never ask. That's cool. I did that when we went to Skankfest.

I did that at the hotel. I went, you guys got any upgrades or anything like that? And they were like, no. And it made me feel bad. They shame you? Yeah, they were like, no. And it made more time. They were like, I'll ask.

And then it made a, we had to wait for a person to come by. And they're like, do you have any upgrades? They were like, it just gets then we had to wait for a person to come by What do you got to lose Hey, I'll be over here once a free upgrade Get a load of this guy, put this on TikTok. Just 14 year olds are making videos about him. If you just ask, and everybody's like, everything is so, everyone's mean, it's like, no, if you're just nice, you ask. Most of the times you'll get, or what's the worst that happens?

They go, no. And then you're even feeling, I feel like every time I've tried that, it's gone bad. Cause you're not charming. Right. You have to be charming. Sure. I tried that it's gone bad. Because you're not charming. Right. You have to be charming. Sure. The guy who steals backpacks doesn't understand why

people aren't responding to his asks. Because you asked, you're like, hey, it was for my wife. Fuck you, you got any upgrades, you stupid piece of shit. I'm going to start this off by saying I got a family. All right, you need to know that. I steal it for them. I don't do it for me. Dude, that's a wild move to steal from the airport. I'm so afraid of what they'll do to me. And yeah, they're gonna buy them. But here's the thing, people who work at the airport,

they don't give a shit. They don't care. Yeah. Also, can you imagine, can you imagine someone in handcuffs in an airport? Like the rules don't apply to the airport. I've been handcuffed at the airport. Why? Why? Oh, oh, oh. You really hate it. Oh, you have. Yes. They're like, sir, you can't travel with this 12-inch black cock. Extreme homosexuality?

Yes. Like, oh. They go, hey, stop trying to suck us off through the X-ray. Sir, you can't just bob my head like a chicken head like chicken. For demanding him check up your ass. Charge your extreme homosexuality. I got charges out of class four felony weapons charge at Newark airport. It's also why you should fly out of Newark.

I had breath snuckles. And I forgot you had this. I forgot you had this. You know what's so funny? I went to the Museum of Natural History one time and I had like a prop gun in my backpack and I forgot that it was in there. And I was like, get it close to the line. And there's this old man security guard, like checking bags.

And I just like, open the bag and he was like, all right, go right ahead. So I, I smuggled a gun into the museum of natural history. I just didn't show him that compartment that the gun was in. It really is easy to bring a gun into places like that. Why'd you put prop gun on me? I was filming some sketch or something, I forget. And it was like in my bag. It would be really easy to like bring a gun into a public library

like the New York Public Library. You could just walk in. Yeah. Just start blasting. You just have it. Jesus. Jesus. What?

What? What? No. You never thought about that? No. No. We're talking about extreme homosexuality and prop guns. We're not talking about doing mass shootings in the library. Sorry. Anyway, continue. Take a few people out with you before you turn the gun on yourself. I want to go back to the brass knuckles though. So yes, you had them. Yes. To have them or no. No, they took them.

OK. But you had them for a bit. And I told them, throw them out. I don't care. I don't need them. And they were like, well, we found them. Of course, we found them. Yeah, of course.

They were right about that. No. How many terrorists do you think are like, you know, you just throw it out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I am on a sketch show who's alive is it anyway? Yeah they found them told me they had to arrest you and go well you don't have to there's some discretion there They go. Yeah Well, it's like 98 also. Hey, no, no Islam slander on this episode, please Well, Jordan's not here so I

Think we all agree But yeah, and they they put me in handcuffs and I Lied and was like hey, where are you flying to you taught for a tell. My call in jail was to a tell to go, Hey, I'm not going to make the first. That's hilarious. Yeah. And and I'm not going to make the first. I was like, Hey, can you guys just do me a solid and let me like change my plane ticket? Because you're saying you think I'll get out like four hours. Like, yeah, they're like, OK, just hurry up.

I'm like, all right. Thank God I got another plane ticket. And then I gave get out like four hours. Like, yeah, they're like, okay, just hurry up. I'm like, all right. Thank God I got another plane ticket. And then I gave them my phone and everything. They handcuffed me and they- Was this recent? This was three years ago? Two years ago? February 2022?

Yeah. March 2022? And they took me in like- No, it's a sex toy. He puts it up his ass. Well, I wonder if they did find a couple things in my pocket. They found the brass knuckles in the same pocket that I had a donut, my mustache comb,

and a pair of my ex-coference underwear. And your pocket. Oh my God. Because I miss her when I'm on the road. Sure, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. You're just like a sex girl. You're like a retired cops Christmas story.

Hey, Dalit, you found that fucking guy with the brass knuckle and underwear in his pocket. Oh, this was 2012. Yeah, and then I get in the cop car and I'm handcuffed, and it's like, you know, have you ever been handcuffed? It's like, you feel kind of badass for a second. And then my glasses fogged up because of the mask. I go, officer, can you please clean my glasses?

And then I do it in jail. They found 500 bucks cash on me and they go, what's this? And I go, it's yours. If you let me out. And they go, are you bribing an officer? Dude, I'm kidding. I'm opening for David Till.

I'm sorry, I'm coming. I thought it'd be funny to bribe you. Yeah, that's crazy. Took everything and I, you know, slept in the jail cell for a couple of hours. Where were they in your bag? Is in my coat. I mean, have you had to use brass knuckles before? When I was a kid, but not like a old one. I mean, kid. Any time soon.

Like, I don't know, dude, uh, Steve Rogers, it just got an assaulted Tom to car got punched in the back of the head. We go home at like 3am every night in the West village. All these vagrants like I need a gun. I just got punched in the head. I need a gun right now. You got to protect yourself. Right now Yeah, you're right about that I mean the amount of stories I'm hearing about just people walking down the street getting also punched in the face No, I yeah, no, I'm a lot of Rogers in the head Working we got a guest here. Yeah. You don't take the taser out Don't you want to look at that? You got to charge it?

That's so cute. It's cute that it charges But why don't you upgrade? Yes, that gun everybody's getting knocked out It's it's crazy in the shower fucking but thank God for bail reform because I was catching release in and out in the shower. But thank God for bail reform because I was catching release in and out. The same thing I rally against was used in my favor. You've been arrested a whole ton, huh? Aren't you glad you live in this liberal blue paradise? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. When I left, they, they treated me like every other, you know, criminal they lock up. They gave me a handful of human feces A little bit of a reactionary. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm uh, here we go

I'm not a reactionary. I'm a what does that even mean? I don't understand. Yeah, what's it mean? I'm like, what does that mean? It means um, you know, I live in reality and he lives in a fucking fantasy world. You react to Okay, oh you're reactive. So like and punch in the head you like let me do something. Let me equip myself. Yeah Yeah, but I mean shouldn't you? Isn't that smart? Reactionary is like, you know, you react to certain things instead of, you know, it's funny. I learned this, I learned this like a year ago. You know what, you know what's annoying? You know what's really annoying? I gotta start asking people what they mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do that. You're

all out. You're all out. I gotta start asking people to explain their answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can do that It's so hard to like retain knowledge, you know what I mean like I Couldn't explain this better you like six months ago Reactionary someone who like who like has a react without using the base of the word. It's like when it's like when it's like when you set policy, you sort of make decisions with your emotions. Right, right, right. So let me help you out. Like, let me let me help you out here. So instead of like, it's like, if you're Steve Rogers, you get punched in the head.

You it's it's going like, oh, we need to kill all the homeless people instead of doing what Steve Rogers did, which was cry and apologize for being white. I mean, that would make you an extremist. No, no, this is what I think. Like, let me look up. It would be no, no, no, no, no, no, this is fun. And now you'll never know. No, I don't know. No, Jordan. No, I don't want it anymore. Why? I want you to. I don't want to. No. Okay. Let me think. Let me think because I might be wrong. I'm actually saying this. I don't know what your answer is. Think about your answer. It's kind of said it. It sort of implies like an extreme, you know, right? So you get response. You get extreme response

to, right? Right. So you get punched in the face by a homeless person. And like you said, you're like, okay, kill all the homeless people, put them all in jail. But it would be proactive to just, uh, no, I don't know. No, to, uh, to all stupid. Everybody's stupid. Everybody's stupid. Be proactive. I never said I was stupid, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like you arrest the criminal when it happens. You don't get rid of all of the brass knuckles. Yeah Right fuck right. You just I'm gonna just you think I'm gonna take you you just You just throw one homosexual in jail instead of getting rid of all the brass knuckles Right

Your girlfriend's panties, huh? That's crazy. And now let me look up the definition just so we're just so we're sure. You guys talk. Oh, he's yeah. Oh, you don't get service down here. Okay. I think we've gone too far. Who cares? Who cares?

Do you have questions for our guest? He got rid of it. What, Racine? Reactive, no, this is management. Reactive management is all about reacting to problems as they arise. Proactive management. Zabalian! Disappaining.

Who cares? Yeah, I really who cares. Yeah. Hey, who cares? Yeah. You guys have never... You guys have never carried weapons? I got suspended for six weeks from high school for carrying a knife on me.

And I knew I was coming in with a knife. What was that for? To take a... Oh my God! Who was that? You're right then. Jesus Christ. Are you okay?

What just happened? Oh my God. I would love if that like knocked your spine or something and you like, we're like seizing us. Ah! Ah! It became all of a sudden we're like, oh fine. We're trying to talk over it. I would love if that like knocked your spine or something and you like We'll scrub it in post yeah, yeah, thank God he's not Mike's Yeah, I got suspended from for six weeks really when I was high school, I begged my mom for a five video cassette, Krav Maga.

Is this real? Yeah, the Israeli self-defense. Isn't that, oh no, what's the dancing one? And I wonder why they have to use it. Capoeira. Capoeira. Yeah. How effective do you think that is?

Just like. Capoeira? Yeah, dancing. Is capoeira part of like, you're entranced with the dance and then you're meditating because your opponent is like getting down and you get oh it's like a snake yeah yeah so like while you're doing this you're like whoa and then they just come out of somewhere and hit you wasn't it because like they weren't allowed to fight and then they had a mask there that's what it was so

they had to like mask it as a dance. So that's how that martial art kind of came to be. Yeah. It's kind of like, I feel like when you're a kid, you don't know how to have sex or anything. So you're like, let's just play doctor. Right? I've never done that with somebody.

That's unrelatable to me. So I didn't laugh at it. It's never too late. You could do it with your next like Tinder date or something. Let's play doctor. I feel like a little sick. Can you check your cock temperature? Let me check your cock temperature. Can a doctor say cock?

I mean, penis temperature. What if you play it too well? You're like, so just take two of these twice a day. Right, right. Just let them go. Do you need to look at my genitals? No, that's good. And then I walk out and I'm like, I've never come that hard in my life.

Like actually worked for me. I'll just take two of these. You need to come. Yeah. I'm a doctor. You're like, you need to look at my penis. I'm like, sir, I'm not a urologist. Right. Dr. Finkelstein. The person walks in. It's you. Like what? How did you move so fast? I am your urologist.

I am your. Yeah, I know. I've never done any kind of shit like that. You role play. I bet you do that. You know what's funny? I don't. I can't get into it.

Yeah. I've tried and I'm like, you've tried. I've tried to role play. And I just feel like a fool. That's where I'm at, too. Like when there's too many layers in like getting into character and shit, it takes me out of the thing. You know what I mean? I feel foolish.

Yeah, it feels really stupid. I'm trying to get myself to do it, but I just, I can't, I can't do it. What are you into that's fucked up that you don't want to tell anybody? I'm so vanilla though, too. Like even when the like dirty talk is very tough because I'm not that guy. And I don't believe myself. And I'm like having to come up with shit. Like it's like improv where I'm like, where do you learn that? Let's school. You like my stuff. It's not good. Scholarship for university.

Yeah. You know what I mean? So like I don't have that gear. Yeah. And so it just feels so. Sultry voice. Well, I'm coming out with a thing. That's thinking that's why I could imagine if you were like, if you just ask questions like you like that. Yeah. How was your day? That would be like they'd like that. No.

That's what you went to community college. Just put you in. I like I like you too much. Like I don't, you know, I don't get off and like, yeah, you fucking bitch. But they do, which is in the beginning of I want you to get a little fucked up. In the beginning of relationships. Yeah, women are sick. In the beginning of relationships being like, so like, I'm gonna fucking tear your clothes off,

all like crazy wild guy. And then when we're together for a while, if like six months in, we're having sex and like, use me, I'm like, you're more than that. I'm like, yes! I used'm like, you're more than that. Or it's like, uh, it's almost like if there's like cute, fluffy white bunny, you know, and then if every bunny and then the bunny's like spit in my mouth.

And I'm like, Hey, honey, I'm a smoker. That really is the worst time in a relationship when you get past that fucking where you're just treating them like fuck toys and shit. And they're like, yay, fucking, you know, that's the, that's the worst time in a relationship when you get past that fucking where you're just treating them like fuck toys and shit. And they're like, yeah, you fucking, you know, that's the, that's the worst. I hate that part of the relationship. What the fuck toy stuff? When you get over it and you're like, I don't want to call you a skank. I don't want to call you slut anymore. Nothing like that. I want to drench you in my cum. You know, I just want to douse you. I don't want to drink anymore. Like a painting, like a spray bottle. Yeah, just a little spritz. Just a pinch, just a pinch of calm.

Yeah, I don't know. I I you're like super vanilla. Pretty much. Yeah. Can we all take a second to imagine what it's like when Mike has sex? Why? I think it's average. I mean, I've always talked about this too. Like people shit on vanilla and all that stuff, but in terms of efficiency, it's great.

It's like I'm so glad I don't have to get into sex swing and like build shit. Yeah, yeah. Like I'll fill up like an IKEA chair. Oh yeah. Like you can just fuck normal and be done. I don't have to be like tied up and shit. Role play.

Like how do you not laugh when you're pulling out a car like a collar and a leash around someone's neck. I don't want to get massed. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Just throw the stuffed animals off the bed and have missionary sex. Right. Right. And so she goes, we never do it. Don't be like, OK, yeah, next time.

Yeah. I know I knew a guy who is into like being small, you know, what does that mean? Huh? What does that mean as a layer? No, he's like into like like, oh, like edit me in your feet photos of you being big and me being small and you step on it. He has a Photoshop fetish. And he's here with you right now.

He makes some Photoshop. And women do that shit. Oh, well, don't be fetish. The girl's here with you right now. He makes some Photoshop. And women do that shit. They would do it. Oh, well don't be fetish. The girl's like, the girl's like smaller.

Smaller. You go to a fetish. You actually have a, you could type in how small I would like it. Or the girls like, the girls like, one dad never loved you. Makes him,

makes him feel small. Yeah. I guess. No, I think, I don't know what it is. Oh, that's gigantism fetish. Gigantism fetish. I have a friend, she's a girl, she likes being a gigantess so she likes yeah, we all know Jordan I would love to fuck a woman who's like six nine though, bet that's fun. You ever, you ever tried a six nine?

I don't want to do six nine. No kissing or belly. The first time I was 69, I didn't know that the girl was supposed to be on top. So I was on top. Our balls, right? Your balls right in your face I think people yeah, I think it's supposed to go like this This is weird what a weird sexual position

sexual position. What kind of freaks do this? Mike, you're really heavy. I think you're supposed to do it on your side. 69. On your side. Yeah, you doing everybody. The girls on top. You're on your start on the side, then pull them up. That's hot. Yeah, that is hot. But I fuck. Do you think anyone is like 69 in space? You know they had to, right? Oh, yeah, probably. They fucking space. They must. Why would I know human nature? I know they're astronauts and like have all these PhDs and shit. Right. Like, like, who else is going to be up here?

We got to fuck. They got to masturbate. But I don't think they fucking space. I think some of them have had to, right? Fuck it. Imagine you try to eat breakfast and someone's come and goes floating by the. Yeah, well, how they clean it. If you say you jerk off and then it comes out

as little balls and whatever. How do you clean that? What do you do with it? In space? Imagine jerking off in space and then you're come getting in one of the systems. Yeah. It's like, ehh. Oh my gosh. In space had you jerking off in space and then you're come getting in one of the systems We got involved Houston

Coming the spaceship It's like an Apollo 13 like we got to bring these guys home you fuck up the spaceship so bad No, but that is actually really interesting. It's brass knuckles and come in this patient What's the protocol for like fucking up in space? I actually think that's very interesting. That's I'm sure they thought about it Yeah, there are you know, and I'm happy brought it up. You just you just Taking a tour of NASA like Yeah, I have a tour yeah question this is What if the cum goes in the system I had a different question, but I like this one

Will. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. I can close these kids want to ask a question. I'm whatever. This year. Come and then like all the questions are about come. Does anybody have like a non-come space related question? I think the tour is like, actually, Buzz Aldrin just walked in. But excuse me for trying to learn. That's why the guys stayed when they did the moon landing.

The one guy stayed in the shuttle so he could jerk off while in the alarm strong and buzz. I'll be out there in a minute. Honestly, not a bad idea. One small stroke for man. One small cock for man. Dude, do you think any of them thought? What if I, what if I come down the moon?

Yeah, of course. How would you? You can't, you're in that fucking space. You can't take your dick out. It would freeze. Yeah, but you could do that on a TV set. Oh shit. That's true.

We never landed. Of course. Dude, Godfrey is the funniest bit about how we never landed on the moon. It's like 10 minutes long and he takes a crowd through this whole thing and he keeps going back to like, you know we didn't land on the moon. It's like 10 minutes long and he takes a crowd through this whole thing and he keeps going back to like, you know we didn't land on the moon, right?

And it gets so many laughs. And then when he says that, they're like, and then he brings it back to laugh down. He goes, we didn't land on the moon. And everyone's like, man, just keep with the jokes. Your bitch funny, but this whole thing is like, if you land on the moon, there's no way you'd be like, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. He's like, you know a mother fucking land on the moon

and be like, I'm on the moon. Yeah, wouldn't be as composed as that. Like script. Although you would be thinking about it for a, for however long it took to get to the moon. You'd be like, I, the first thing I say, I got, what would your moon quote phrase be? I go, this sucks.

It feels kind of weird. I feel kind of weird right now. I'm so scared. I'm like, this is so scary. Yeah, I go, yeah, I don't know. There's really nothing happening up here, but I'm so scared. This is going to break this suit. The suit is not going to break. I don't know. I feel like it is. Sorry. You guys can go. No, no, no, just keep tying your rope. I don't know. Whatever. What happened? Who cares? What happened?

I that little dialogue I did bummed you out. You would be excited about the moon. You just go, what would you say? No, I wouldn't say this sucks. I'd be like, we're on the moon, folks. Can you believe it? You'd be doing your act. Yeah. Someone's like a Mr. Beast video at the up top. Hey, guys, we're on the surface of the moon.

Smash that like button. Look at how weightless I am. Mr. Beast is crazy, man. And he's his deal. Yeah, what is his deal? I think he's just hack the algo. He knows our monkey brains. He knows how many cuts, how many zooms. What does it do?

He what do you mean? What does he do? He's like the biggest YouTube guy. I don't know. He does all these videos, right? Didn't he become trans or something? Or was that no, I think it's one of the part of his crew. I think one of his just your beast and you think trans way to give away your biases. All right. you're right. But how do you how do you become like big? He just gave stuff away. He became Mr. B. Mr. B.

Mr. Beast does sound like a drag queen. All right, y'all coming out now. Mr. B. Mr. B. How many times in like interviews or like press junkets does he get that where they're like, is there a Mrs. Beast? He just kills himself. He goes bang. It's funny you asked that he pulls a gun out. Killed my son.

Somebody just bud wire. Is there a Mrs. Beast in your life? Girls are walking Is there a Mrs. Beast in your life? Yeah. Girls are walking up. They're Mrs. Beast. I'm gay. That's why I do all this stuff. Do you think I'd really become the best YouTuber of all time

if there was a Mrs. Beast? If I was trying to get pussy, if I had the distraction of pussy, do you think I'd be able to do all this awesome stuff? Yeah. There are no dependence on my taxes. I'll tell you that much. He does feel asexual that dude, like Mark Zuckerberg kind of thing. I bet Mark Zuckerberg is like, God damn,

every time he looks at his wife, God damn it, I wish you were a pillow or something. I don't know. He looks like he fucks pillows like the like anime pillows. You know what I'm talking about? Whatever. Now I'm bummed out. What would you say? Oh, you'd say in the moon. What would you say? What would you guys say? What would I say? What'd be the first thing you say on the moon? I'd be like, when's it freaking lunchtime? Just kidding. I want to be here. When's lunch? Hey, I'm on the moon.

I'll tell you, Jimmy Hoffa isn't. This is what you do. The minute you land on the moon, you go, Ah, they're real. They're real. Just kidding. This is pretty great. Who's that? Like the aliens or whatever. Oh, okay. That's a fucking guy.

Where are you right now? Yeah. I don't know. Well, because I feel like aliens don't live on the moon. They would live on like another planet. You don't think aliens would hang out on the moon? Well, there's nothing to do up there. Yo, what if some like other alien species were landing on the moon

and they thought it's pretty cool too? And then we saw each other at the same time. So like while the humans are like we're on the moon, some weird like kleptoric galaxy person is like, Hey, we're on the moon. Yeah, well you guys landed here too. Amazing Aziz, by the way. The alien there was a guy in your mouth.

This is how we make love. Hey, we met these aliens. They all knew R. Kelly. There was a guy There was an alien that stayed in the shuttles jerking off his five penises with his five different tentacles You guys go I'm gonna stroke my five dicks. Oh, no, it's in the system. It's in the Hey, you got your black com everywhere If if would you go to space if they if they offered you a ride I guess I would have to say yes, but I would be scared. Yeah, I have to know I'm gonna make it back You know like yeah, it's tourism thing. I feel like it's too new Right, like you know, like, you know, it's it's safe to fly and everything right now Yeah, but I don't want to be the early adopter to go with it. Israel offered you a free trip to space

We just got to write how much you love Israel Jewish space. Yeah, it's already called JFK. What, the airport? Just in New York Island. Oh, fuck. Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it? Yeah. That felt terrible.

What about those, what about those like missions to Mars? Would they say it's going to take three years, you know, or not not three years, but like, you're going to die. You're going to die. So like they're going to send humans to Mars, but there's no return flight. And there's some people want to do it just to be like pioneers, just to know that you're going to go see Mars, but your life is over pretty much. You'll never see your family.

A failing planet. Like who gives a shit? Just to be known as... Wow, you're a real Earth supremacist. Yeah, but no one's ever gonna remember that. Like we can't even name... You don't think we'll remember the people that go to Mars against other planets?

We can't even name 10 people that have been to the moon right now. You think you're gonna remember the first people to go to Mars? Who was the first person that went to the moon? Yeah, but you would know Neil Armstrong. No, you would know it would be kind of cool Oh, yeah, cuz that's Apollo 13, right? Who was the first person? I don't know Apollo 13 they got stuck up there. So it's like such a futile thing. Yeah Does that make sense? But I think some people like the adventure of being the first human to see Mars and they're willing to do that knowing that they're going to die because they can't there's not enough

rocket fuel they don't have the logistics to bring them back to earth so yeah they're just going for humanity and that's not climbing Mount Everest like no one's doing it to be like you'll remember my name just to be like I went to Mars they're doing it for themselves or they went to Mount Everest. Yeah, but the thing about Mount Everest is you have to train, you have to learn. You have to have a complete plan. The thing about being the first people to space

is you had to be an astronaut. You had to be wildly intelligent. These people that are going to Mars, it's space tourism. So they just have money. You don't have to. Yeah, I think there would be like astronauts and stuff too. I don't know if there would just be civilians going to Mars. I thought I thought that that's what it was. It was just people. Greyhound to Mars. Yeah. There's no guide. It's just

like, is anybody sitting here? You're about to go and they like fine. Is this fucking brass muggles again? You never learn. I would take the Chinatown bus to Mars. Do that the cheap version. Yeah, it's like $23. Someone in Chinese over in the space helping eating a fish head. I miss the Chinatown bus because they shut them all down. I don't know what the Chinatown bus is. Dude, Chinatown bus left every hour on the hour

to and from New York and Philadelphia. There was one for New York to DC, New York to Boston. That was the Fung Wah bus. Yeah. 20 bucks round trip. New York to Philly, 35 round trip, New York to Boston. Yeah. Ran every hour. It was crazy. It was dangerous. It was dangerous. The buses would break down. I've been on multiple buses that caught on fire. You would be around the craziest, like most insane Chinese people, like literally eating like live fish. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, there, there were warring gang

factions eating live fish. They weren't literally eating a fucking fish on the China town. One woman eating a live fish. That doesn't mean that doesn't mean it every weekend. Okay. But like our Chinese, Chinese people aren't more. They're not running around eating live fish. Our elderly Chinese people more or less likely to eat live fish in public? This feels like a weird game show. Yeah. It does.

It's well, I feel like they're Chinese ladies. Yeah. If you take a Greyhound bus in which angry Italian do you agree with? It is so in the truth. You'll be less likely to see that than if you take a Chinatown bus in China. You think they're just eating live fish on the bus? Yeah Dude the Chinatown bus Yeah by the fish market

Yeah, they would just get fish and eat it on the bus. Ian, I think you saw like two people doing that and you were like, they all do it. You're in some crusade to make me out to be something I'm not. And I'm telling you what I saw in my own eyes. I'm not saying it happened every time, but I'm saying it happened a couple of times. You saw a couple of times, how many times did you see it happen?

Riding the Chinatown bus from fucking 2004. Put it live fish, put it out there. It was 2008. So the fish was alive. Eating fish that was alive and on the bus. What do you mean alive? It was flopping around. They were eating it.

That doesn't make any sense. Like an open fish. Did they pull it out of their mouth and it's with full skulls in it? Like a wall fish. And then they threw a black hole in it. They were eating slugs like Jabba the Hutt. Don't encourage him. You're on my couch. You're on my side. Get up on him.

Anyway. Anyway, the point is that the Blamla bus, it was dangerous. It was exciting. There were warring factions of gangs that were in competition with each other. And Yakuza 2004, 2005, there were all these, uh, like shootouts on the Chinatown buses. It was crazy. Whoa. Yeah. Look it up. Yeah. But maybe I'm lying because I didn't see you with my own eyes every time. Fucking fat sack of shit. You don't even like the Nix. You fucking pose with pussy. Yeah. My hairline's fucked up.

Yeah. I got a fucked up hairline. Oh, you like the Nix? Like. Yeah, my hair lines fucked. Yeah, I got a fucked up hair line. You're like, oh, you like the next like, no, my hair. Will you look up warring faction trying to tell us how do we get on this? But you said live fish like that means I misspoke. But it was raw fish, raw fish from a fish market. All right, that makes sense. That was next to the Chinatown boss underneath the man. I'm just the fish isown bus underneath the Manhattan Bridge.

Just the fish is going like, no please! There's a bunch of Nemo's. Take me down to the river. Billy's the best. Yeah, it's Billy Loudmouth Beth. I will eat you. I'll eat you. I'll eat you. I'll eat you. I'll eat you. I'll eat you. I'll eat you. This woman was eating a Loudmouth Billy Beth on the Chinatown bus, man. It was crazy.

So why'd they shut it down? Was it illegal? You heard me, they were eating live fish. I think it was probably the rival gangs. It was just the eating live fish. They were probably being reactionary. I think. What do you mean they had shootouts on the bus?

So there were gang members on the bus and then an arrival gang went on. Like that also doesn't make any sense. Here we go. Here we go. The flying dragons. Come on. Here, Ethan, sit on my lap and tell the story. And be careful because last time. China town's bus war turning. When was this, when did this article come out? Remember when I said this article came out in 2004 2005? Suck my fucking dick New York's Chinatown once the scene in brutal fused routine gang such as the flying dragons and ghost shadows is witnessing a new turf war The police are blaming for up to three unsolved killings

The unlikely protagonist are the owners and operators of rival bus services that offer discount tickets to cities such as Washington, Philadelphia and Boston. Violence linked to the dispute has reached such a high level that police launched a raid last week seizing 16 buses from various bargain line operators. Although the raid ostensibly was a check for safety violations, many in the close knit Chinatown community were quoted as saying Mike Racine is a fat fucking loser. There's an ongoing dispute. Why'd they put that in there? That seems like a non sequitur or something, you know? It really didn't seem like it was needed. It's weird. You were like 11 at the time. I know. That was over 20 years ago, though, at this point.

Or I don't know. 20 years ago, I've tried to take the Chinatown bus again, but I don't know if they're all down or what. But that used to be the fucking thing to and from Philly, 20 bucks. It was a bad. It was cool. Yeah. And the Chinatown, there was a Chinatown van in Wilmington, Delaware. You'd get in a van and that would take you to Chinatown in New York. And then the van would go back and forth.

But that was that was scary. The van van Jesus. The van sucked. I got I my I had a girlfriend at the time that lived in Philly that I go back and forth and see she tried to see how many times she could blow me on the Chinatown bus. See women are sick. OK, so there's there's women eating live fish and then She tried to see how many times she could blow me on the Chinatown bus. See women are sick. Oh okay, so there's women eating live fish and then degenerates blowing each other on

the fucking bus. Like the person who was eating fish heads is telling a story like this guy's getting blown on the bus. I'm trying to eat my fish head. And I gotta see this guy getting blown. Do you mind? Sorry, I'm eating. Oh, it feels nice.

There you go. Eating his wiggly-ass fish. Like, Sylvester the cat. Sir, can you put a blanket over her head, at least? Dude, we used to get fucked up on the Chinatown bus. How do you do it? How do you do it? How do you finesse the BJ on the bus with people not knowing, or do people know, and

they're like, it's the Chinatown bus. They'll do it. Like, she's sleeping? Yeah. They'll do it. They'll do it. Like, she's sleeping? Yeah.

They'll do it. Like, she's sleeping. Like, she's sleeping. Like, she's sleeping. Like, she's sleeping. Like, she's sleeping. How do you finesse the BJ on the bus with people not knowing or do people know and They'll do it like she's sleeping yeah Women will do this there is no there's no like convincing It just looks like she's sleeping I go yeah, yeah, yeah, we're just sitting on the bus and I just go You look tired, babe. Touch my penis. You do. Here. Oh, come on. Oh, it's so nice riding the bus. I love you. I forgot how much I love Brandon. Oh, I love you. This is me. I gotta get out of this. I don't mind you. Exima. I gotta get a finger

me with the eggs. Yeah. No, you don't mind my eggs. I'm uh cuz you're pussy fucking smells Okay, it's all about me. I know you guys don't fight go Sorry we're fighting how can I have it make it up to you? Well, you can do you want to blow me on this bus? Yeah, I thought you'd never you you can, uh, do you want to blow me on this bus? Yeah. I thought you'd never. You know what? What do I do? Brent? Wait, but did you know? I don't know how I do it. Cause you're Jewish. Oh yeah. You know, you do it every, you're the thing you do on my birthday all the time. I don't, I don't know how for 20 seconds. Why don't you tell me

how to be nice? Like you'll be my instructor. Okay. Well, you'll blow me. It'll be mostly teeth. And then I'm just going to go, can you just stand there while I jerk off? Okay. I was really hoping you were going to make this funny. Sorry. Let me just, okay. Why don't I, why don't I take the reins? Hold on, I gotta, I gotta go. How about you, how about you blow me? Hold on, you failed. Before I jerk off. I don't want to blow you anymore.

Hold on, Mike, let me blow you. All right, fine, I'm driving the bus. No, no, no, go over there, drive the bus. Hey, babe, I was thinking after we get to China, we go to Long John Silver's. Oh, the new fish spot. Hey, shut that bitch up. Hey man.

Yo, she been talking this whole motherfucking time. Wow, I thought- I'm trying to watch Martin over here. I thought this was a Chinatown bus, not the African Express. Jesus Christ. Now what the fuck did that mean, man? I don't know, sorry, I'm a dizzy bitch anyway.

Yo, shut your bitch up man. Shut your bitch up. Fahima, how do you um, What do you do to save money in LA? What do you do on the west coast to save money? Are there any, do you have any travel tips? Perlman for us? Shut that bitch up.

Fahima, is there an equivalent? I haven't expressed got nothing shut that bitch up. Yeah. But he was there and there and- I haven't been expressed on nothing. That was funny. I forget Express. What is that? Like Panda Express? Oh, I'm impressed. But with Grits and Gravy.

I can't take it anymore. And that's how you blow someone with a giant tempa. That's great. Oh man, that guy, he getting blown over there. Shoot. So tell us about your special thing. Oh yeah. Yeah, it's on YouTube.

It's called House Money, just on my YouTube channel. I saw you shot one too recently. Yes. We were playing in your Chinatown bus with the Puerto Rican neighborhood bus. Man, like you can get your dick sucked on there here, daddy. Is that anything? Is that anything? Is that anything?

Sorry. I'm off today. I'm off. No, you're doing great. I'm off. I'm not having a great. My favorite. My favorite.

Can you add that out? My favorite is that anything at the end, you know? Like, to put it out there and then the. Is that anything? Is that anything? Woo! There's a boys day in the match. Some of the episodes are winners and some, you know, you just don't connect. anything. Woo! There's a boys day in the past.

Some of the episodes are winners and some, you know, you just don't connect. You got to swing, you know, that's the beauty of it. Yeah, where did you shoot yours? I shot it in Nashville, so Zaini's. Oh, the way! I was being dressed and stuff. Oh, that's great! Yeah, yeah.

That's awesome. Did you have someone open it for you? Like open the special? Yeah. Yeah, I had Matt Lockwood. He's a comedy store guy. I brought him out. He like featured. And then I did like two shows. And then where do you show yours? He you know, my special. Oh really? Yeah. That's cool.

He walked half the room. Did you really? He's like the first show was good. All right. This next guy. African Express. Get it? Wait, guys, come on. Don't leave. You know, like good guy. That's my special taming.. Everyone's leaving. All right. All my, all my,

All my gay liberal friends are leaving. Does anyone have a flannel shirt? I can use this wig. Anyone in the crowd. Shooting a special is awesome. It's like your birthday, but like you deserve it. Yo, totally. You know, like I always,

people get nervous about specials and stuff, but then I had this like shift in thinking where I'm like, Oh, this is just a joke. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm. Totally, you know, like I always,

people get nervous about specials and stuff, but then I had this like shift in thinking where I'm like, oh, this is just like a celebration of the bits that you've been stringing together for a year. And like they're there for you. So it's just like fun. It's a comedy birthday party. I felt like it was like my birthday in funeral

at the same time. Wait, why funeral? Yeah, because people were crying. I can't believe I paid money for that. That was good. That was better than his convoluted Puerto Rican bus fit. Is yours going on your channel?

It could have been. Yeah, it could have been. Yeah, youtube.com slash beanie and pod. Nice. What's yours called? Oh, house money. Yes. And mine's on my channel too. So it's youtube.com digital house. You know what I mean? Yeah. In a nice like chunk of, uh, I don't know, like, uh, because you see them in clips and stuff, but I think it's very cool to have an hour that people can visit.

You know, yeah. Especially in the future. I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house. I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house. I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house. I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house. I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house. I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house.

I think it's a great opportunity to have a digital house. I think it's a nice like chunk of, I don't know, like, cause you see clips and stuff, but I think it's very cool to have an hour that people can visit, you know? Yeah, yeah. Especially in terms of like, people get an idea of you from like clips or like podcasts. And I enjoy when people see me live and they're like, dude, that was nothing like I thought it was gonna be.

They're different things. Yeah. Like I thought you were gonna be good. It's actually funny. We went with I suck. Yeah, yeah, I thought you were gonna be good funny When is yours coming out it per fourth, okay? February 28th nice. Yeah. Hey, hey, man's coming out on March 21st. Yes. That's when we're keeping people fine. Whoa. At the Out for Smokes YouTube channel, most likely.

And what is that? It's the podcast, Out for Smokes. Probably youtube.com slash out for smokes. YouTube.com. I don't know how this shit works. Do it. No, I don't know what the fucking shit works. I'm saying how can people find it?

Go to youtube.com slash out for smokes pod on March 21st. There it is. Yeah, that's right. And you, Brandon, I do have a special coming out probably March or April, but I don't have a date yet or anything like that. Stay away from March 21st. I'm gonna stay away from March, to be honest. Like it's territories. You know what's good for March 21st at 7.59 p.m.

I do it like a minute before you stay up. Your price is right. Just like a minute before his drop. I'm in yours going, guys, check out your live thing. Guys, this one's way better. Requested joy we're talking about. I just keep putting the link in one. Wow.

You stay away from, you're like breaking my legs. I told you. Can you change your birthday? I told you, return the jacket. This Brandon Sagal is real go get it. Come on guys, let's go to his channel. Fuck, that's fun. God damn.

Are you touring for the special? Uh. New material? I'm like building it up right now. So I'm trying to finesse it. It's always weird when you like drop a special. Yeah. And you go, when do I start booking dates?

Because you kind of have to do a little bit of a leap of faith. Like, will I have the 45 to an hour by this date? You know what I mean? So I'm staying in LA just building the next hour. So maybe, I don't know, maybe in like two or three months. Dude, I'm having a blast on stage. Like, cause I saw, I got in this thing, I don't know if you guys ever got there,

but I got in this thing that was like, dude, like right at the end of my taping. I was like Everything's over. I can never do this these jokes again. I have nothing this sucks Yeah, what am I gonna do and then I started to like just people immediately go new and then the stuff because after I taped I was like really old stuff. I just added a bunch Yeah, that thing that I already know what the fuck's the matter with me But then I kept going alright bunch to that thing that I already taped. What the fuck's the matter with me? But then I kept going, all right, add to it more. So then I have all new tags and added a bunch

to some things that I taped that I'm like, oh, I can do this because they'll hear a sliver of what it is on the taping. And then I've added like two minutes to a thing. And then that helped me come up with newer stuff. And so I'm like, I'm not, I'm like Kevin McAllister and Home Alone. I'm not afraid anymore.

I love that feeling though, because it's like you've wiped the hard drive and then you get to like think of way more new stuff. You know what I mean? Because you're not bogged down. When you're doing an hour and shit, you have to like retain all these bits. Like how does this go into that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all this mental energy. And once you wipe it, it's spaghetti time. It's the best. It's hard to not lean back. Just like throw a spaghetti against the wall. Like there are no wrong answers. Yeah, it's spaghetti time.

You guys know spaghetti time? I blacked out until you said spaghetti time. What? We do spaghetti? What happened? I was like huh? I'm curious because you were in LA for a bit. Are you there often to do stand up or not really? No.

What's your take? Because I'm there all the time. I'm never in New York that much. I'm doing it to do the pod run and everything. I've performed a few times, but like as a New Yorker, I'm always curious what New Yorkers take on doing stand up in LA. We're so much better than you guys. No, I enjoyed it, man. Yorkers take on doing stand-up. We're so much better than you guys.

No, I enjoyed it, man. I really, really enjoyed it. I've been enjoying LA more because you're only out there. LA. Yeah. Oh, no. I mean, you know, it's weird. I enjoyed it and maybe because it I'm not there all the time. So I can imagine it gets like redundant, but I love getting a rental car and just be popping around. I like it like alpha dog and these, these slow drivers. It is such a beautiful city too. Like those hills and shit.

Like when you're not there all the time, you're like, you feel so fucking Hollywood. You're like, look at this. He's getting his book something a rental car. He's like, there's something missing about this experience. What's you're not on a bus with a bunch of people. Oh, yeah, from I miss the people looking. Yeah. Um, smell of raw fish.

Thank God I have you, babe. Again, you were with us. I was about to go, thank God I didn't wash my bowl. Yeah. I liked it, I enjoyed it, and I've been enjoying it more and more, and I'm making more friends that are out there of like, like I enjoy the people I know,

and then the people I meet through them, I really enjoy. That's always really fun too. You know? Yeah. Yeah. You're like, look at it, we're like living two different lives on two different sides of the country. Yeah, like my first time out there, yeah. Yeah, you're like, look at it. We're like living two different lives on two different. Yeah, like my first night out there, a bunch of us went to a. Blessing Jesus, diner. My God. What?

I enjoyed it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And I don't know. I miss driving. Because I love driving. Where do you grow up? Seattle. I was just in Seattle. OK. driving. Cause I love driving. Where'd you grow up? Seattle. I was just in Seattle.

Okay. Laughs. Oh, Dave and Angela. Like I love them. They're great. Yeah. They're the best. Oh my God. Dave wasn't there. Angela was.

I love her so much. So dude, like I started staying up when I bless you. They're like my comedy parents. Jesus Christ. I can only do two sneezes. Whenever someone does three, I feel like they're faking it. Oh no! Faking it?

I don't know what's the matter with me. But David Angelo, they're the best with your sneeze legs. Are you originally from New York? Delaware. I've been here since 2003. What about you guys? I'm from Long Island, Jersey. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I was Seattle. So like, I think eventually you had to move to New York or LA. I'm like, uh, I might as well keep it West Coast. I could be close to Seattle. It's nice being close to your mom. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. How far away is Seattle to Los Angeles? It's like, what, three hour flight? Something like that? Or, a, however much drive? Because I just did it. I mean, that's so far. Oh my God. Yo, I don't know what's happening. I'm sorry. Are you OK? No one's asking this.

Are you OK? Thank you. It's got to be allergy. Friend. I think it is allergies. Yeah, I hope. Think I'm allergic to black tight pants. Oh, you know, it's so funny.

I asked my wife if these pants were too tight before I left the house. And she goes, no, that's the style. He goes, she stole them for me. Do you want me to move? I just want you to stop sneezing. You think I want to keep sneezing? What do you think? This is fun for me.

You fuck. I think you know, are these pants too tight? No, you look great. I just needed a joke. A little tight. The weather too, not to get to that point, but Los Angeles weather, baby. Yo, I flew in to Seattle, got a rental car,

my lifelong best friend, Justin, shout out. Thought I was your best friend. Met lifelong, your second half of life. Jury's still out. And he flew out, me and Seattle, his wife, he and his wife got divorced. So he's got a great job, things are great, but he just says like free time.

And I'm like, yo, come out with me. And he's sober now. And dude, we had the best fucking time. We rented a Lamborghini. Whoa, for real? He rented it. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's like, dude, if I rent a Lamborghini, will you drive it?

Was to be, I'm like, dude, apps are fucking lute. So we were driving like really fast. He's like, oh, how high do you think we're fucking? I don't know. 180 120 185 185. Yeah. Dude, we drove to Kirk Cobain's house. It was the best.

So dangerous. And then we took the rental car and I drove us to Portland because I had helium Portland on Sunday. I wanted to think you took the Lambo all the way. Dude, imagine. He drove it through Kirk Cobain's house. We're all like, yeah! Courtney, fuck you!

I did go to Kirk Cobain's house and when I was getting my picture taken on his property, the children that live in the house came up and waited for me to walk away and then they put the code in Really they probably have to deal with that all the time. Yeah, I know What children live in his house Well, it's not his house anymore. Oh, okay. So like people bought it. They built up. Oh, dude, there's huge Is that where he killed himself?

They got rid of the greenhouse where he killed himself and they they remodeled it into a another thing. Killed himself. But thank you. Yes. Yes. Everybody's like, Oh, abscending didn't kill himself. Well, neither did Kurt. Yeah. So we took the rental car and we drove from Seattle to Portland, Dave Grohl. And then he left. I drove from Portland to Sacramento to San Francisco to San Diego back to LA. That's cool. That's suicide note is so funny because it's like a regular note. And then at the end it's like, and by the way, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. And it's in different handwriting, different handwriting. Yeah. And the theory is that the first half of the suicide letter is a retirement letter. Yeah. And then the second half in different handwriting is when he starts

talking about his daughter and his wife. And do you know the name he used when he signed? No. Boda. His childhood, uh, imagine his friend. My very friend. Whoa. Well, maybe when he was getting into the mode of killing himself and he was kind of losing his brain or whatever, it did kind of become another person. You know what I mean? Or he shot himself full of hair when he started to nod out so his handwriting got all fucked up Was that so you grew up in Seattle? Yeah, was that? Oh, it was huge. How old are you 39? Okay, same age. So was that like it was everything then but I was into gangster rap I was into like Warren G Nate dogs noob dogs So like everyone was all about grunge when I because it's Seattle, the epicenter, Pearl Jam, offspring, Nirvana. But I was like, I love this dog, dog pound, you know

what I mean? Dog food. Shout out dog pound media Danny. Revis nice. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, Warren G. Dr. Dre, all that shit. So I was into the California gangster rap. Just kind of had it me. No. Okay. You're good. You're mad at me. Not a little tight. No, no, they look good

I don't care your shorts that one time with your balls out were tight. I tell you, you know, I tell you yeah Yeah, they're fine. Thanks. You look good. Yeah, so wait what? No, I was gonna ask you Cats shoot your special James Webb, oh, he shot yours. She directed Cats Helped. Ethan is editing. Ah, nice. Okay.

He's doing a killer job. How's that going? Does it still make you laugh? Absolutely. What's your, like, are you getting cuts of it? And are you watching yourself over and over again? That's brutal. Yeah, man.

Well, right now, I saw the first cut and it's incredible to everything from the show and I hate watching myself and I was like, whoa, I like this Very happy about it. And then now I'm going through the second show and I'm gonna plug in play like different things Yeah, I'm just hating it because you have to watch it so many times. Yeah Did you have a better set on either show because my mind like the early show is way better? Yeah, we know late times. Yeah. Did you have a better set on either show? Because mine, like the early show was way better. Yeah. We nailed it in the first show. Yeah.

Second show was actually. The second show was quiet. Interesting because I had to beat them up. One by one. What, the first show? Second show. I had to, they were like, I don't know what they were, they were off and I had to like get out of taping mode and was like, what the fuck does it matter with you people?

And then like, once I started to do that, there was a moment, I think on camera, I go, all right. Why is there one laughing at my comedy special? I know on camera, I go, all right, motherfuckers, I got you now, because I could feel this shift of energy that I'm being like now. If I did the late show first, I would have like shot myself. Yeah.

The late show was tough. Well, which show did you do that in the middle? Cats stopped the show and was like, make up. The early one. While you were on stage. Yeah. I was sweating. I was sweating.

And he goes, stop, stop, make up. Like how many minutes in were you sweating? Probably like halfway in. Okay. Did that infuriate you? No. It was really cute because Deb, his wife wife did his makeup. So she came out on stage and it was like very organic and nice. Oh great.

Anything else I would have been like this is a disaster but it works so good. If you had like a towel in his back pocket like a def jam comedian. Yeah. Like you don't move around that much. He's like so I was on the bus to Chinatown. Motherfucker getting blown by his lady. Y'all, I couldn't sleep last night and I was watching earthquake clips. Earthquake is so funny, dude.

One of the greatest. He's so funny. He comes by the store sometimes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's awesome. Oh my God. My brother, he loves earthquake too

and he's trying to remember his name but he butchers names all the time. He's like, who's that comic? I think his name is Mudslide. That's from Always Sunny. Yeah, there's like a fake comic. Who is it? It's Laval.

Laval. It's Crawford. And he's like, landslide. Landslide. He knew that it was a natural disaster of some sort. He's like mudslide. Dude, I tell without any irony or going for a joke, was trying to name Rosebud and goes,

what's her name? You know, real funny short, writes for us and now snowball. Snowball. Snowball. And he called Eagle with Stone Feather. I don't know. Oh, sorry. I want to get back to this.

So because I have been a lifelong obsessive fan in Nirvana. What was that like growing up and not liking the thing that everyone else? I mean, I liked it a little bit, a cursory appreciation of it, but it didn't like speak to me like, um, like Dre's album or stoop stuff. How old were you when he killed himself? Or you like, uh, He died in April of 94. So if you're 39, you would have been, uh,

Cause you're the same age. You've thought about this. It is great to be a little kid from the suburbs and listen to gangster rap. The best feeling in the world. I'm like, he speaks to me. I never did that. To my experience. No?

I loved it. I was always like Nirvana, Metallica, and punk rock stuff. I felt like a fraud listening to rap. And I hated it. Until Eminem came out and then you were like, Finally. That's my ticket. No, even then.

I just couldn't get into it. What about Limp Bizkit? Love Limp Bizkit, loved corn, loved, you know, I just couldn't get into it. What about limp biscuit? Love limp biscuit, loved corn, loved, you know, I just liked heavy aggressive stuff. Also were all your friends that you hung out in high school like into aggressive shit and all that stuff? All my friends in high school, none of them listened to the stuff I listened to.

My friends outside of high school did, that I'd hang out with on the weekends, but in high school everybody- You had friends outside of high school that you'd hang out with? You know, like old and new kids and stuff. And you've been in AA for a long time. But no, I don't know. I just and because like,

I just disliked that the kids like rap then acted like they were like rappers. Yeah. But what's the difference between how you're acting when you're listening to your music because or and like people that act like like dressing like that and like because I think it's more authentic getting offended for some reason. I was saying this is me legitimately getting offended for some reason. No, because the application that people put on when they listen to rap is disingenuous and the talk. What do you mean? Like, yo, like this? Yo, when I say yo, it's a big, heavy sentence. Yo, how long y'all been together?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right. Yeah. And, and it's like, I don't know, I think it's disingenuous. And I think it's totally fine to listen to like rap and everything, but to co-op being black while you listen to it is something that like so many people did that it's is it just being black or is it being from that a lot of people enjoyed rap without dressing right like I guess what I'm saying is from the place where I was there were so many wagers that it was just like Jesus Christ all right sure we played baseball and like knew each other a whole lives and now you have like a gold chain and you can't talk to me in the cafeteria.

But it all comes from, I don't think it has this insecurity. But it also comes from like, you kind of developed that through like, I think it's still a shitty child. Ian was like, there's white people and there's... And there's Wiggers. And I hate Wiggers. Love me white people.

I hate Wiggers. But I hate Wiggers. People always have fun and Wiggers. Love me what people? I hate Wiggers. I hate Wiggers. People always have fun at Wiggers, always ruin my business, Bunktown. Um, no, I don't know. I think it comes from like a place where it's like maybe maybe that guy's like a problem with his parents. Who we played baseball together.

We knew each other in grade school and everything. And then we got to high school and he started listening to rap. His name was Andrew. And then he refused to be called Andrew and he was Drew. And he like turned into this whole different thing. And I was like, you suck. Call me Drew Ray. D-R-U. Yeah.

Call me Drew Ray, man. Did that happen with that? Hey, what up, B? How you doing, Playboy? Yeah, what's up? That's funny, because it's like such a personal experience. And you're like, it's why you like hate rap. No. Because you lost one friend.

Cause that would happen in middle school and high school. They do adopt that and then kind of urban and stuff. I do feel like as they get older, they have to lose that. You know what I mean? Sure. Or like they work for a car dealership. Or if you're a girl and get a pillow to actually have a

big civil mom and a kid named Aiden and then be a radiology tech. You know, you're trying to learn about the Ford focus. It creates its own culture of people. So it's like it begins becoming not like a fraud. It becomes, oh, this is who this person actually is. Well, as we talk it out, I realized that the same could probably be said about me, because when I started to get into punk rock, I was like, oh, I realize that the same could probably be said about me because when I started to get into punk rock, I was like, oh, I got to spike my hair.

I got to wear these bracelets. But then I stopped because even doing that, I stopped. You stopped wearing all that jewelry, huh? Hey, what's your new rap video? With my special sometime in March. I went to rapper. No, no, no, no, like, dude dude, I listen to your fart rap all the time. He's legit.

I listen to your poopy rap. He's legit, dude. The real deal. Your squeaky, squeaky fart fart rap, I listen. Man, you should check out Come Too Fast, though. You like fart? You like farting? You should check out Come Too Fast. My follow-up is farting you should check out come too fast my follow-up is

Check out come too fast and my penis is smart And I think why I dislike those type of behaviors is because like I said like I would like play Baseball and like I grew up with these kids and everything and then like once they started listening to rap They became like too feel like their posers. Yeah, and everybody's a poser until they're not, but I feel like their poser thing lasted. But then you could say I'm a poser, so it doesn't fucking matter, you know? I guess I'm just upset that me and my friend Colin

stopped being here. I think that's what it is. I just really miss my friend Colin. He's calling up like, hit him, rap, yeah. You call him up, he goes, what up, motherfucker? Hey, shit. Yo, I know it's been mad long, but I won. That's really what it is.

Yo, he's been a minute. Yeah, yeah. I've gone food Jamaica now. Ian, what's up, Rubeau? I went through a little Guido phase in college. Yeah? You? Get out. College? Boy, I would throw a little Guido phase in college. Yeah. Yeah. You get out. College.

No. That's the part you don't believe. No way. Did you go to college? If you guys go through phases of like different clothes, you would wear on stage, like, yeah, like sort of looks you would have stand up wise. Dude, I'll never forget. Sorry, do you want to go?

No, yours is going to be better anyway. I'll thank you, Jordan. I you've been really nice to me. Jordan. Yeah. Thank you. I really appreciate it. It's hard. Dude, I'll never forget going to a bar show in Philadelphia. I'd been to a comedy like a year, right? And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to dress up and I wore a button up shirt. I rolled my sleeves up. I wore like khaki pants and a belt tucked in. I wanted to like look nice. I did that too. When I was 15. Tommy Pope fucking goes, oh, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing?

You're supposed to be working on your voice, not your outfit. That doesn't matter with you. And I like definitely wanted this approval. I'm not going to be doing it. I'm not going to be doing it doing you doing you supposed to be working on your voice not your outfit I was mad with you and I like great approval Tommy can chill. What is this? What are you looking at? Oh, but he was I was I was not I was trying to be something I wasn't but you're sure you have figure shit out when you start right? I mean anytime I wear like a jacket that looks nice on stage, I'm, I think I'm

distracted by it. I think they're distracted by it. If it's leather, I'm like, who the fuck am I kidding? You know what I mean? My little attitude jacket. You know what I mean? Yeah. Even if I wear like a Levi's jacket, I'm like, I don't really feel like, yeah, I gotta figure it out. Leather pants. Brandon wearing leather pants. Eddie Murphy out there. I'm wearing a full red jumpsuit. Is it an open mic? Like in a raw suit?

I'm like, these motherfuckers looking at my ass. That'd be so funny. We're like a leather red jumpsuit. Just be like, what else do I want to do? Yeah, I'm good. What is it all about you guys? Who do you think has more like open mic lunatics, New York or LA? That's a good question.

I think LA. Really? Yeah, because LA, there's a lot of delusional operations. So much. In New York, there's a lot of crazy open micers that are like, there's crazy people, but they're not going to be like, I'm going to be in a movie. Exactly. Like there's a lot of like delusion in LA.

Whereas like, this is like, I'm just going up here in between withdrawals. You know? Some people in a year ago, when Mike's will have like a legit hospital bracelet on when they're on stage. Exactly, dude. Yeah, for real.

For real. They'll be like, I just got out of Mineside. And they crush. Yeah. And they do. And they do. Yeah, and they do. And they do. Yeah, and it's like, if you could just distill that to every time you're on stage.

Yeah, yeah. Like, stage? Where was I? Do you remember that lady, Barbara Todesh? You probably don't. Wait, was that the one that would get naked and show her pussy? No, I don't think so. And talk about her kids?

No. What? Sign me up. That was a creepy. Put me in that bucket. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Sign me up. That was a, that was a creak in that bucket. Oh yeah. Yeah. Who's Barbara?

Wait, wait, wait. She was like this older woman who was like insane and she would just get up and kind of like yell about whatever. But, but I found out she was a, she was a professor at Bloomfield College in Jersey. Really? Yeah. My God. She passed away.

RIP. There was a, there was a guy in Philly named Ian Nigma and his deal with, uh, she passed away. RIP. There was a, there was a guy in Philly named the enigma and his deal with, uh, Foley and Cotton at the Raven lounge was he would be allowed to read people's tarot cards downstairs. Uh, and he wouldn't give any, and, and the exchange was he, he at midnight, he could do five minutes at the open mic. And, uh, this guy, he could do five minutes at the open mic. And this guy, they made him stop reading his tarot of people because after a while he became

so bitter, he would read people's cards. We had cancer, cancer, you're gonna get cancer. You're gonna fucking die. Yeah, it's not looking good for you. You're gonna die before complaining about the enigma. Jesus. What a terrible deal. You were complaining about the enigma. Jesus.

What a terrible deal you can work and the exchange will will give you five minutes of stage time. Yeah. Who wants that, though? Who wants like a fucking crazy? Oh, oh, who wants a tarot card? Yeah. Who is like drunk people at a bar? You kidding me? You get a couple drinks to you. You're like, let's get our tarot.

They have to put a tip cup out then. You probably did. Then what's he's bitching about? Why is he so bitter? Because he wasn't progressing in the Philadelphia open mic scene And he probably had too many bones in his ear. He was a guy with bones in his ear Jesus and he stayed at Foley's house one time and fully woke up and he was asleep on his kitchen table He stayed at Foley's house one time and Foley woke up and he was asleep on his kitchen table. And he was like, dude, do you want the couch? He goes, nah, it's more comfortable. He's like, hey, that's where I eat 40 pancakes.

Is it garbage if a gypsy named Enigma sleeps on your kitchen table? Foley's got a huge stack of pancakes, like whistling to eat breakfast. He's like, what? There's a naked guy on his table. Where am I supposed to eat my pancakes? Oh my god.

He looks good now, huh? Foli's dropping some pounds in. Do you know anything about Ozempic? I just know everyone's taking it, but the side effects are people don't really know how it's working and there might be some side effects. So I don't know. It sounds like. But do you have to work out if you're on Ozempic? I don't need to shoot yourself.

And you just shoot yourself up. It kind of curves your appetite and just. Yeah. But is it tightening your skin at all? I doubt it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's funny. We've completely spoken out of our ass on every single thing brought up today. And with those epic, we're like, I really don't know.

I really draw the line. I don't want to talk about the topic. Of course, they want to sponsor the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Use promo code. That's just me and Brandon come back next time we're like really thin. Hi! Like what happens if you're just already skinny and you take OZampic? Like what would happen to you?

That's what I'm curious about. We should make the boy take it. Let's give it to the boy. Feed it to the boy! Let's strap him down. He's in! This is awesome. Thank you for coming, man.

Thanks for having me, dude. Let's get plugs in one more time. He memoir all the way from LA coming to hang out. House money is a special. Tell us where to find it. What to do? Yeah, just my YouTube channel. So YouTube.com slash for he man or house money. Check it out. Thank you for having me, dude. Thanks for letting me plug it. Hang out with you guys. Of course. Yeah. Hit me up when you're in LA next time.

Do my show. I'm going to be there in May. Netflix is a joke fest. May 5th. Hollywood improv. EFIDance.com for tickets. EFIDance.com for all my dates. Got a lot of fun stuff coming up and a wild happy and free. My new special, youtube.com slash B&E and pod. Check it out. I love you. Thank you. Mikey, what you got? I got dates at MicrosceneComedy.com, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Charlotte, and my specials coming out March 21st and check out my podcast Out for Smokes. What's your special going to be called? I'm normal. That's good. Thanks. I also have a special coming out to go to Brendan. I don't have a name for you yet though. Woo. Let's think right now. Hmm. Brains. Let's not fish heads. Oh, let's not. Let's not. Is really actually might be the

name of it. Let's not. That's great. YouTube.com slash Brendan Sagalow to check that out. It should be in March or April. I don't know. But I also have dates coming up Pots Town, Pennsylvania. Yeah. And Nashville is coming up. It's all at Brendan Sagalow.com, Long Island. I'll be out there. Those fucking drunks. And that's it. Follow these guys into the dark. Follow them on Instagram and all the socials and everything. Thank you so much. Oh yeah. Punch up live.com slash Jordan Jensen. She's got a ton of dates coming up. Go see her. She's the best. And thanks so much, everybody for tuning in. We love you. Bye bye.