Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 086: Home Improvment W/ Anthony DeVito, Brendan Sagalow, & Greg Stone

Starting point is 00:00:00 Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being Ian Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride When you're being Ian, being Ian. Life is shit, but you're positive. Let's find out what it's like to live a life being Ian, being Ian. With Jordan.

Starting point is 00:00:39 Meow. How many comedians have fucking jokes about Stephen Hawking being at the Epstein Island? Yeah I do. Foo boy. I love mine. Yeah. Oh these are highly prescription. But what's their jokes?

Starting point is 00:00:54 I don't know. I don't know. This is awesome. Yeah. You're already in session. You're a good comic. I'm just saying. Not only am I proud of mine, some comic, some woman, some fucking woman.

Starting point is 00:01:07 Hey, I know Jordan here. That's what this is. He made women haters. So some lady wrote. I'm humiliated that I did that to you. Don't be. I love it. In front of you. Right at it. I'm humiliated. OK, let's start.

Starting point is 00:01:23 I don't think I can do this podcast. I'm really like, I thought it was awesome. Welcome back to another episode of Being Ian with Jordan. Jordan is MIA. She's on the road. She's leaving the podcast. And she is. That's what it feels like.

Starting point is 00:01:44 She is Michael Jordan. being in with Michael Jordan. You're all like, how do we save this body? And each body is trying to get Michael Jordan. That would be the best. Yeah. At least just get a Michael Jordan impersonator. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's why we got a Jordan impersonator today. You look at me. I can't find love. No, but that's a really good idea. You should get a Michael Jordan impersonator today. You have come. Look at me. I can't find love. No, but that's a really good idea. You should get a Michael Jordan impersonator.

Starting point is 00:02:09 Just let's just start fucking around. But also, the Michael Jordan idea was mine, so you could also give me some credit there too. Yeah, so yeah. Jordan's not here, but the arguments are. I'm trying to explain what happened. Okay, alright, okay. Welcome to another episode of Be A Deer with Jordan. Jordan's on the road, so we have our esteemed guest and friend. I thought you were gonna call me Alex.

Starting point is 00:02:32 What? I thought you were gonna go, so we have Al. Can you? Alright, so when we're recording, I don't do well in this seat. Alright, switch seats. You wanna switch? Greg, you sit here. Anthony, you sit here. The way to go there. The boat is gonna explode on this side of the room. Switch seats, switch seats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greg, you sit here. Anthony, you sit here. Yeah, I know that.

Starting point is 00:02:45 The weather's gonna explode on this side of the room. The boat is gonna tip. Anthony, hello. Anthony's comfy, cozy, wearing socks and sweats. This is my spot. This is the new bot, socks and sweats with Anthony. I like this spot better. There you go.

Starting point is 00:02:58 Yeah? Yeah, man. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. And throw the mic away. Testing, one, two,2,3 testing Should we do an intro for the third time? Alright, ready?

Starting point is 00:03:16 I did that too, you have to blow into these You guys are absolute morons How do you not know to blow into that? Because we're not fucking Fiddlers. Fiddlers. They're not fiddlers. I'm not a fiddler.

Starting point is 00:03:27 We're diddlers. Put your mouth on it. Put your mouth on it. That's why I hate that joke. I like that. I love sitting here. This feels way better. Good.

Starting point is 00:03:35 I never want to sit there again. Welcome back to another episode of Be A Man With Jordan. I feel pressure when I'm sitting there. Why? I don't know, you touch me. You touch me to it. Does that make you feel pressure? You'll see. You'll feel it. I hate it. See, I hate it. I don't know you touch me

Starting point is 00:04:05 This guy's a mollusk star DC's like, we blew a lot of money on Molestar. We really haven't recovered since. We really gotta make it work. One note, can we not use child's underwear as his mask? What's his superpower? What don't you get? Hit by a car when he was little, his brain never developed by the age of six. He's a kid. He's a kid. He's a kid.

Starting point is 00:04:22 He's a kid. He's a kid. He's a kid. He's a kid. He's a kid. He's a kid. He's his superpower? What don't you get? Hit by a car when he was little, his brain never developed by the age of seven. Now he gains his powers from the North Star and also... You get the rest. Diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a He comes from a planet where everybody was molested No one can walk behind anyone They ruin every relationship with trust issues. Apartments are mainly showers. As they try to wash it off of them.

Starting point is 00:05:09 My powers come from a tumor on my cerebral cortex. There was an article three years ago about a guy with a tumor in his brain. What? I remember that. Any molested people? There was a guy who... I got it. That'll finish. I got it. If you need help, I was a guy. Oh, yeah, I got it. You got it. I got it.

Starting point is 00:05:25 You need help. I'll take over and throughout wherever you want to sit to get more and more comfortable as this thing goes here. I think it would make the folks at home feel comfortable if you sat off camera. There was a guy who became who found himself attracted to children, but he had kids and a wife, goes to a doctor, turns out he had a brain tumor, they removed the tumor, feelings went away, years later, he has the feelings again,

Starting point is 00:05:51 tumor came back. So it's like this fucking wild thing. Also most people who are like, he had brain injuries come from, or that was just his excuse. It was the cancer. I'm gonna start going around touching kids and be like, it's cancer.

Starting point is 00:06:01 Imagine you're the doctor. Imagine you're the doctor. Tickle, tickle, I have a tumor. Imagine you're the doctor who knows about that cancer though. kids and be like, it's cancer. Imagine you're the doctor who knows about that cancer, though, and he's like, well, I got bad news. You have a brain tumor and I got worse news. Side effects aren't you're going to be hungry. You're going to be hungry. I got kids. Molester and the guardians of the. I was I was in I was in Vegas, I went to Red Rocks, and we climbed out in the secluded part of the mountaintop,

Starting point is 00:06:30 you know, and then like a child and his family started coming up and I thought it would be funny to be like... I was like making fake prayers to the mountains. I was like, oh mountain gods, this and that, the other. So I thought it'd be funny to be like, oh mountain gods, please turn off the switch in my brain Makes me attracted to salacious children We are in the mountains and things could happen Make the young boys stop dancing in here

Starting point is 00:06:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah And my friend was like shut the fuck up Welcome back to the podcast Brendan Sag Sagalow, Greg Stone, and Anthony Dorito. Anthony Dorito. I changed it. I legally changed it. I finally did it. I made the switch.

Starting point is 00:07:13 Yes. Captain Crunch. No, wait, that's not... He's Mr. Cool. He's Mr. Tough Man Cool Ranch. Ian leans in with so much enthusiasm and hope for his jokes. You can't deny them. No, you know what I mean? You don't have to be

Starting point is 00:07:45 We will all put each other over today. Yeah, of course. But this is what we all do. This is the gang. One, two, three. The Malestars. The Malestars. We're the Malestars.

Starting point is 00:07:54 Did you guys see that... I don't know if I wanna talk about this. Tell me, Doc. You see that video of Swartzen on stage, like being like fucking hammered. They had to bring him off. I watched it without audio, so I didn't know what was happening. Yeah, he was apparently he was like he had a Pablo Francisco moment for sure. The video that they put out, I was like, this doesn't seem too bad.

Starting point is 00:08:16 And then I watched more of it. Apparently, everybody was like taking their phones out. And from what I saw, I was like, oh, he's doing like Pablo. He's like, you know how Pablo Francisco just kept doing those three fucking impressions? He was in a loop. Really? Swartzing got no loop where he's like, hold on, hold on. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. I thought he was sober. Jason Statham. Let's go.

Starting point is 00:08:35 No, he was Jason Statham. Yeah, yeah. And then he started going and then he started going like, I don't know. It was it was really I think he got too high because I've been there. He came out and said that this is what happens when you take an edible and get fucked up. Like he said that he was on a lot of drugs and alcohol. Oh, then it makes sense. But wasn't he sober?

Starting point is 00:08:54 Because he looks like a guy who should have been sober. Right, he's not? No. That sucks, he needs to get sober. But I've been that high before on stage, where you're like, too high. I was that high, and I fell at the creek. I remember this.

Starting point is 00:09:04 And DeVito had to take me home because I refused to be around anyone that didn't have a dead dad. Very true. We're going to breathe, we're going to slow down, we're going to tell that story. You know honestly, in the meantime you forget as life goes on. That's right. We're going to not move on, you're going to tell us the story about the creek when you fell down and then said only dead sons, sons of their dads could take me home. Yeah. I would only, I only wanted to be around people that had dead dads. So

Starting point is 00:09:38 him and Chaplin drove me home. That's hilarious. It was just a dead dad mobile. Back to Ian's place to drop him off. Oh, man. Yeah, that was so... What were you on? Like, what did you take? Like, me? Too many edibles. Too many edibles.

Starting point is 00:09:53 And you fell off the stage? No, I fell. That's a big stage to fall off of. I was in the back. I was in the back of the creek, and I fell, and I hit my head on, like, a mop and a bucket, and I cut my head open. Shut up. Did it hurt now?

Starting point is 00:10:04 Did it hurt now? Did your head open? Shut up. Did it hurt? Did it hurt? It just hurt. I can remember the thump. Cause we were in the front of the room and I think, you know, people were just kinda like, Ian's like getting fuckin' tossed tonight. You're like, yeah man, he's being fun tonight. Yeah, and then all of a sudden, you were just kinda,

Starting point is 00:10:21 you know when you get, you were kinda talking about where you get super high, you just kinda go of, you know, and like you get in the UK, you were kind of talking about where you get super high. You just kind of go into, you go to a place and I was watching you from a distance go to it, like wobbling, just like a Mortal Kombat character just kind of wobbling. And then all of a sudden the show was going on and you just heard clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. And then just noise. Oh, there were multiple clanks. There was, well, there was the mop, there was a bucket. I've never heard of this. It sounds like a children's book. There was a mop. There was a bucket. I've never heard of this. It sounds like a children's book. There was a mop. There were symbols. And then yeah, then you came

Starting point is 00:10:50 from under the pile. I believe the show stopped and then we took it in the other room. Rebecca gave you a bunch of free food. This is also what I remember. She was really trying to sober you up. So she was like, he needs burritos and water. You know Rebecca Gatton. Yes. We got to get you 15 burritos right now. She's like, flaunt us. She was flaunt us. We need to flaunt us. This guy had 400 flaunt us in front of his face. And then Ian went, I can only be around people with dead dads.

Starting point is 00:11:16 They get it. So then it was just me and Chaplin, and then we drove you home. Yeah, it was so funny. Man. Domito, do you remember the time? I don't know, because I think you were there. We went to UCB to do improv and I fell on my face.

Starting point is 00:11:28 Yes. What? What, on stage at the UCB Theater? We were doing UCB improv and here's what I remember. I remember talking and the floor, I didn't fall, the floor came to my face. The floor was like, I'm coming to you, pal. And next thing I know, I was on the ground and no one laughed.

Starting point is 00:11:43 And I remember being like, that's funny. I guess UCB stands for um, crazy bitch. You crazy bitch. There it is. There it is. There you go. I'm going UCB. UCB. That's your voice, man.

Starting point is 00:11:57 That's your voice. That's your voice, man. We're putting you over. That's the word. Or if it's the 7-Eleven days, it's the uncolder, bitch. I don't know why I said that. And that's yours. I like that. That's yours. I like that. We're putting you over! Or, instead of 7-Eleven Days, it's the Uncola, bitch. I don't know why I said that. And that's yours.

Starting point is 00:12:09 I like that. Yeah, that was Uncalled Boar. Uncalled Boar? That's exactly you, brother. That's your voice. Come on, boys. We need a studio audio. Yes! Is Ethan losing his shit over there?

Starting point is 00:12:27 Probably not. Ethan's doing more bad shit. I watch him quietly. Why are you tying a noose around your neck, Ethan? He's quietly. He brought a bathtub in and a toaster. How did you bring the tub down here? He's been foraging grout for the last 10 minutes.

Starting point is 00:12:41 So, Anthony, remember to bring up my thing just in case. We don't know. Yeah. But I want to go back. Yeah. Let's talk about the UCB. Sorry. What he said? Um, cool, boy. Come on, boys. Come on, boys.

Starting point is 00:12:59 Like a coach in the 50s would say to his Olympic rowing team, come on, boys, we can we can move to the water faster than that, can't we? I had no idea that me going, I'm crazy bitch would be that long of a riff. We all promise to get each other's back. That's what happens. Yeah. Molest stars. Molest stars. The molest stars.

Starting point is 00:13:19 Also, that can't be the name of the title because we will be on the. The name of our friend group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will be on the... That's the name of our friend group now. We will be on the group stage. Hey, he's us, no more less, dog. You know, we'll really get somewhere in America when you can have superhero representation like that. You know, obviously, like, you know... My power is that I don't do it! No matter how hard I want to!

Starting point is 00:13:41 So funny. He just shows up to crime scenes and not fucks kids. He goes, another day in the life of a hero for me, I guess. You think you've got me, Molesta? Look at the children I brought with me. Oh, no! I will get away with the gold, Molesta. Before you leave your house, your wife is like, don't go get them, tiger.

Starting point is 00:14:01 Yeah, the supermajor's just standing there like, we never should have opened this up to more people. You're applying for a job? Is this great? I think crossing our job is yours. Is there anything else we should know? I thought it would be really funny if there was a Batman villain that called himself Batman.

Starting point is 00:14:18 Like he's new to Gotham. Oh, that's funny. And Batman's like, what's your name, villain? And he's like, I'm Batman. And then Batman has to go, well, no. I'm the one who's the trademarking. Well, no, you can't do that because I'm Batman. No, I am Batman.

Starting point is 00:14:36 Okay, well, has no one told you? No, I'm new here. I just left from, I just got here from Cleveland. I have two B's. I'm a batman. I am a baseball batman. I am a batman. He's got a bat and he's like, well I guess it's kind of different. I'm from Louisville.

Starting point is 00:14:58 I fuck the bats. So if you're not doing that, you can't be batman. He goes, I shoot bats with my hands. What do you do? You just dress like a bat. If anything, you should be dressed like a Batman. My wife is a bat. This isn't up for discussion.

Starting point is 00:15:17 This isn't up. I've been here for seven years. You can see Batman is trademarked by Bruce Wayne. I mean, fuck. Shit. Sorry. Now I have to kill you. That's not really my thing Wayne. I mean, I'm sorry. Now I have to kill you. That's not really my thing, but I have to kill you now. I ran over you for that. It wasn't worth it.

Starting point is 00:15:32 I was going to say, you know, I'll see. Fair enough. You said, all right, but here's here's this better. I have the paperwork. I went to Bank of America. So, Greg, you fell at the UCB theater. Why don't you tell us all about that? I was going to ask for Anthony to talk about it, because I don't know. That's all I told you. Anthony.

Starting point is 00:15:48 Yeah, this was also part of it, where Greg would just... Greg, it was a night. It was an improv jam. So you would just join other groups. Those were the best. I remember when the first time we all hung out together was at one of those. That's right. It was so much fun.

Starting point is 00:16:02 Improv is also the rollerblading of comedy. Doesn't get a lot of respect. And the hardest part is telling your parents you're gay. First of all, telling my parents you gotta support everything. You gotta support everything. If we're going, we're going. I was gonna say I said we're going. Telling my parents I was gay wasn't the hardest part. Telling them my rollerbladed was. Right. But what, so you had all these like, what was great is you had all these like very like serious improv nerds You know, I'm not you know, they're just the fans of the field From UCB yeah? But let Anthony continue. So so you would have these people who are like, hold on, hold on. There are people raping other

Starting point is 00:16:54 people at UCB. And they kept them around. Yeah. Yeah. They like them. They fired you. They tried. Well, they also raping people. Well, yeah, that was part of the, you know, that was. Go ahead, Anthony. In and out of scenes. That was my UCB character. I was rape man. Yeah. Well, but comedy rules is they can't say no.

Starting point is 00:17:09 They have to yes and it. Yeah. As you're coming you go black out. Yeah. And it was horrible. Victims, they would horribly, during mid-rape, they would horribly, they would go, I wish I could be tapped out right now. They couldn't.

Starting point is 00:17:17 And Greg would go, you should have given me another suggestion. And they would go, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm horribly they would go I wish I could be tapped out right now

Starting point is 00:17:27 Couldn't and Greg would go you should have given me another suggestion That little outfit you're wearing Yes, I am. Yeah. There you go. All right, all right, all right, come on, Greg. All right, also, I don't think this story is good enough for how much we've delayed it. No, it was very funny, though,

Starting point is 00:17:49 because they would have these people that were just, they were there, they were trying to hit their beats, they were reading Del Close, they were doing all these things, and then Greg would show up, mind you, 10 years older than everybody, out of the shadows, high out of his mind, and he would just go, we're all black in the scene.

Starting point is 00:18:05 We're all a bunch of black guys. It was amazing. And I would just be in the back, drinking high watching and Greg would be looking at me like a kid who was like looking at his parents, like I'm doing a good job, right? They hated me. That's awesome. They were very sensitive and I'm doing a good job, right?

Starting point is 00:18:28 They were very sensitive and I'm very Italian. We're all black is so funny. And we're all black now. What's up, mother? Hey, so Greg walks into a space, does that and then falls flat on his face. That was the trajectory of events. Was Greg Garner room with a bunch of very woke NYU students and went, we're all black now, you see? And then fell down.

Starting point is 00:18:57 We can say the word, we can say it. I wasn't gonna say that part, but that was in there. Really? You know what, I don't remember that, but that is how my brain works, so I could probably say. The man said the end works and it was an improv jam. Approximately as you did. It was a time when you could. This was like, we're going on like 12 years ago, where you know, people were, you know.

Starting point is 00:19:24 He was the president. It was a different country. But yeah, that was so funny. I'm putting you over. Yeah. Hell yeah. I don't know if I should. I don't know if you should. I mean, you distance yourself from me. Right. Right. I'm all a star. I'm always close.

Starting point is 00:19:41 Can I can I say one? Can I tell you guys one real quick story? So we did improv a long time ago. I was doing New York Comedy Club and I was like, we have done improv in like 10 years. I get super high at New York Comedy Club. I walk out in front of the pit and I walk in and they have an improv jam and I go, I'm so high.

Starting point is 00:19:58 And I went, hey, you're gonna let me go do improv? And they were like, yeah, you could go down and they'll let you go. And I went, I, right now, me, no license. You're just going to let me in there and go to improv. And they were like, no license. I have no I don't have a license to pro. I guess that's cool.

Starting point is 00:20:15 Wow. And they were like, yeah, you can. So I went downstairs and I'm watching these people do improv all brand new. And they're all like, oh, I'm a doctor, but I'm a monkey. You know, you're like, yeah, and I'm watching this and I'm watching these people do improv, all brand new and they're all like, oh, I'm a doctor but I'm a monkey. You know, and you're like, yeah. And I'm sitting here and I'm watching this and I'm going, don't do this, Greg. Go upstairs, get out of here.

Starting point is 00:20:32 But I swear to God, the guy running it goes, everybody gets up tonight, sir, you're not, you get up now and he pulls me on stage and I'm like, okay, I'll just stay on the back. I'm not gonna say anything. And he goes, nope, you start the scene, pushes me in. And I just went, I'm just a guy who got really high and is now doing improv.

Starting point is 00:20:50 And then someone jumps out and goes, I'm just a doctor who got really high. You know, I'm doing improv. And I went, no, stop. I am really just a guy who got high. And then they kept jumping in and being like, I'm an airport pilot. I'm too high to fly this.

Starting point is 00:21:02 I went, shut up. I'm too high. I swear to God. And then I just walked out. I gotta go, you'm too high to fly this. I went shut up, I'm too high. I said to God and then I just walked out. I gotta go, you guys, it's not fun. I gotta go and I left in front of a full room. There's a full room. There's a full room.

Starting point is 00:21:14 And then you get a phone call. Greg, this is Lauren Michaels. We love your high guy. We love your too high to be here guy. The next day you're like barred sips. I didn't do it. We love your too high to be here We're gonna have too high guy fitted for week Brendan's got a couple impressions inside him that are locked in That he'll bust out and you're like, I didn't know you did a Hillary Clinton

Starting point is 00:21:44 Because I was amazed. I was like, that's actually killing that. He did one and two Tony Sopranos singing emo songs. Oh, yeah. What's a what's a good emo song? It's a weapon, can you even hear me? When I was a young boy. Hold on. I got to get into it. I'm also sick of being tired. I'm also tired of being sick.

Starting point is 00:22:01 I want to do one that I know. How do you do make damn sure? Anthony can't do any of this because he doesn't know know I went to the bank and my mom's a bitch He's black and he's back. He's back, he's black and he's brack. What? Then get a third rhymer. Yeah, I got a couple impressions of my sleaze. I was trying to do

Starting point is 00:22:32 Leonardo DiCaprio, but I don't think I can do it. Alright, ready? Here, we're all going to do improv. Okay, our improv team name is Home Improvment. Not the molestars. I just want to stop. Yeah, you stop. I said I love that. I'm not going to laugh. Thank you. I'm going to look at you and you saw that. Oh, I think I'm not gonna laugh Thank you look at you. I'm gonna say I fucking love that. Thank you. What was it home in problem?

Starting point is 00:22:50 Great. That's pretty good Bromley can I get a? The whole time I have a Crowd yeah, stop raping Pamela Anderson offense from the crowd yeah stop raping Pamela Anderson what I made up that nothing gonna look up Tim Allen rate I made that up let him cook let him cook whatever we say just put allegations on Tim Allen Oh, man, this is either the most fun or people have already turned on. Fuck them! The cameras aren't even on!

Starting point is 00:23:31 I just need friends! That's great. First of all, I want to hear you. I want to hear Tony Ciprano doing emo songs. The gate was locked so I jumped it. Wait, that's how it goes. What? The gate was locked so I jumped it.. Wait, that's how it goes. What? The gate was locked, so I jumped it.

Starting point is 00:23:45 Hold on. What's a good deal? The lipstick is calling. Don't bother, Angel. I know exactly what goes on. You need to do that music video. Full song. Yeah, that's a great thing.

Starting point is 00:23:59 All right, ready? Why can't I do anything? Okay. Oh, wow? Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. You're gonna play a song no one knows, bro. No, it'll all be obvious. Does everyone else got impressions? Anthony, you got... Ian's the type of guy that does karaoke and does like a B-side to like a talking back Sunday song.

Starting point is 00:24:17 We're all putting each other over! Hey, everybody. Shout out Wasted Space. Great Dan from Richmond, Virginia. And shout out Displate. Yeah, that's right. It's time for some spring cleaning. Look around your den, the Delaware den, and take down those old rip posters and get some fresh clean Displates. Displaced are metal posters that take 20 seconds to install and they don't damage your house. You know, got to worry about ripping off paint or drywall or anything. It just sticks to a magnet. It's as easy as that.

Starting point is 00:24:53 You know me, I like women and I like smoking. Why not combine the best of both worlds? A woman smoking. Yeah. I'll pop that on the wall. Why not? Hey, hi, how you doing? She don't talk much.

Starting point is 00:25:07 I don't like it better that way. No, I mean, brother with license designs from brands like Garfield and back, man, to give us perfect for sports fan movie nerds and video game enthusiasts displayed as what you need for all your friends and family. Save up to 33% off when you click the link in the show notes get 22% off on up to two plates and 33% off when you buy three plates or more 33 22 33 the combination to my locker in high school just kidding discount will automatically be applied to your car when you click the link and show notes or use code B and E in B E I N I A N when you visit display.com.

Starting point is 00:25:49 And let me tell you something also, if you're a single dude, decorate your apartment. Nobody wants to come over and have it look like they're walking into Patrick Bateman's place. Okay. Pop something like this on the wall. It's simple. You don't got to find a stud. You don't got to find a rigmarole.

Starting point is 00:26:06 Just this, a magnet and this, it's a win-win. display.com code B and E and click, click the link in our show notes. Let's get back to the show. Bye. Okay, ready? Remember Hands Down? No. Hands down, this is the best day. Wait, my hopes are so high the kids might kill me. So won't you kill me? So I die happy. I'll keep you my dirty little secret.

Starting point is 00:26:38 That's great. I'm putting you over, but I wanted you to like mine. I don't know that song. Hands down, you know that song. It's like, I hate to be that guy, but I did Rollerblade so it comes out sometimes. It's like the most romantic, beautiful song. Yeah, hands down.

Starting point is 00:26:53 Yeah, you remember? Dashboard professional, you know it. Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember. I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the song This sounds like Jordan's uh, I'm quitting this podcast letter You twerking your fingers and the time on the clock When we realize it's so late and there's what do we share

Starting point is 00:27:16 Okay yeah, alright, I gotta put you over by telling you to stop That's fair, that's actually, that's very fair If only for the songwrestling. I'm not only putting you over, I'm putting this bit, it's over. This bit is over. Can I say, there was a moment when I was singing where I heard talking, but it sounded like it was underwater. And I really was in the moment singing and I was trying.

Starting point is 00:27:42 You blacked out. Can I tell you something fun about that song? Yeah. So to put my this is not funny at all. I don't know. I'll just tell you my son. I'll put you over. To put my son in bed, I would sing to him. You have to sing to him. But you don't when you're so fucking tired when your kids you don't you only have a few songs you do the words to.

Starting point is 00:27:58 But the one I know every word to without listening to it was that. So I would sing hands down to my son every night to put him down. But it is a song about like a first kiss on a woman. So I'd be singing him this romantic, it's like, the smile of the, when he realized it's so late, and I walked there we share together. And he would, my son would look at me and go,

Starting point is 00:28:16 dad, stop trying to fuck me. Okay? I know you're one of the molesters, but maybe, maybe don't do it here. I'm your son, not your own blood. It is funny to sing like a song that has like- When you're home, you're dad. Yeah. But maybe, maybe don't do it here. I'm your son, not your own blood. It is funny to sing like a song that has like... When you're home, you're dad.

Starting point is 00:28:29 When you're out there. Be my last car, be the Batman, be whatever you want. Home you're dead. That's funny. What were you going to say, Brendan? I was going to say it's funny to sing a song that has like a screaming part to your... Because does that have a screaming part? Where it's like it's got the singing and then it's like, and you put a, a, a, a. No, it's not a walk, it's not,

Starting point is 00:28:47 it's just like, he's just a little passionate about it. He's just like, and the walk that we share. It went to your, again. I love music that's so fucking angry, dude. I love when people are screaming in music. Yeah? It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:59 But I'd bring this conversation to him. It's okay. My man loves Jadakins. No. No. No. Let it breathe. Let it breathe. You don't know, but I'd bring this conversation to him. It's okay, let it breathe. Let it breathe. Let it breathe. You don't like that stuff? I know, I was gonna mention Conor Oberst,

Starting point is 00:29:11 because he's a screamer. Is he bright eyes? Yes, of course he is. Every time we talk about this, this guy always like, I'm cool, I'm cool, I like bright eyes, I like Unipol. Bright eyes? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:29:19 Bright eyes is cool for 14 year old girls in 2007, Craig. I don't think this is a badge of honor. That is our demo. We have a lot of girls stuck in a coma. That's how you save the pedophiles. What? This is how. What?

Starting point is 00:29:36 The problem. Just get on board, we'll sort it out later. I figured it out. All right, putting you over to the men. I think I already know what you're about to say. They like the kids, right? Sort them out and throw it down. They like the kids, right? So they like the kids, right? So if they went into a coma when they were children, they come out.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Their brain is still kids, but their bodies are adult. No, you want to do the reverse. No, because it's not about. Yeah. No, no. What you what the plan is. This is your solution to pedophiles. No, no, you're kind of on the right track here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right track here. No, no, no, no, no, Brett, it'll get it. When kids are in comas, we should send pedophiles in there to fuck them. Nope, that's not what I was saying. Nobody gets hurt. They don't remember it.

Starting point is 00:30:11 They won't remember it. The pedophiles get to get away. Wow. Putting you over. I love that haircut. Two ways to skin a cat, I guess. I will put you over maybe, but you can do better. Yeah. So you're sick. Okay, here, I got it.

Starting point is 00:30:29 I'll put you over. When kids are in comas, we bring the pedophiles in the room and kill the pedophiles. Alright. Yeah, that's how you trick them. You know, pedophiles are people too. Just saying. I'm just saying. Just do it slow. Why doesn't Chris Hansen ever? I'm just saying.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Why isn't Chris Hansen ever? This has all been a dream sequence. Spoken like a guy who's never tried to use an internet cafe in Bangkok. They're not all people, all right? Brendan. They ruin lives. You should get Chris Hansen on the show. Can you? Can we?

Starting point is 00:31:06 He does podcasts. Does he? Really? Yeah. Ethan, can you draft up a nice email to Christopher? And I bet he loves talking about how often he catches these fucking guys. What? Wait, what is this big saying?

Starting point is 00:31:17 What's he say? Have a seat. Yeah. We got to get him in here and go. And he goes, where should I sit? And I go, stop it. This is how you do it. You bring a comedian on the middle of the podcast.

Starting point is 00:31:31 I have Chris Hansen coming in and go, this hasn't been recorded. But why are you bringing so funny? That's great. That is great. Crystal, this is what we want to say to you. I should have said that. Someone totally safe. They don't be like, hey, Sal, volcano. The nicest, sweetest man ever. Yeah, he's like, I knew this day was coming. This is what I'm mad about.

Starting point is 00:31:51 This is not even anything we're talking about. Let's hear it while me and Anthony accidentally touch arms like this. So are you garbage guys? I've been saying this for years. They need to get Oscar the Grouch on that podcast. Honestly? That is the best guess I can ever make.

Starting point is 00:32:03 He literally lives in garbage. How do we make that happen? Ethan, when you're done, email Oscar the Grouch. Are you garbage? How is he not on that podcast? I told them and they went, that's a great idea. I said, we'll make it

Starting point is 00:32:19 happen. If they get big enough, I could see that being a super bowl commercial. That would be a great, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, we got to get them on that. Oscar, I could see that being a super bowl commercial. That would be a great, great. Oh, yeah, we got to get them on that. Oscar, I'm on that show next week. Doritos. Do you think Chris Hansen ever when he was, you know, kind of getting to know one of the pedophiles ever was like, oh, man,

Starting point is 00:32:37 I don't want to I don't want to drop the hook on this guy. Yeah, really get along with him. May I say I don't know if there was ever a getting to know. Is that like they were about to do another take and they're just sitting there and getting to know all about you. I always thought it was the getting to know you show. I never really cared for the I never stayed for the end part. So I didn't really understand how many pedophiles are in jail right now

Starting point is 00:33:00 with Chris tattooed on their arm, just like on their hands. It's going like fuck that. None of them, because they're all mentally retarded. jail right now with Chris tattooed on their arm, just like on their hands. None of them because they're all mentally retarded. That's true. I don't know why they never pulled the, I don't know why they never paid. I don't know why they, I don't know why they, I don't know. I'm also a prostitute move. You know the classic move when a prostitute approaches you and you have sex with them and they go, now I owe money. I go, wait, I'm also a prostitute move. You know the classic move when a prostitute approaches you and you have sex with them and they go, now I owe you money?

Starting point is 00:33:26 I go, wait, I'm also a prostitute. You also owe me money. I guess that's even, Steven. Are you saying why did the pedophiles on To Catch a Murder never played freaky front? That sounds like a barge. They never, another minute, minute Chris Hansen walks in, you go,

Starting point is 00:33:40 thank God you're here. I'm here to capture someone who is trying to get a prostitute. They do, they do that. They actually do that. You gotta do the flip. No, no, they actually do that.'re here. I'm here to capture someone who is trying to get a prostitute. They do. They do that. They actually do that. No, no, they actually do that. Me too. I'm also undercover. I'm one of you. I'm with you. Yeah, I'm with you.

Starting point is 00:33:52 And then you put your arm around me. Like, let's get out of here. Yeah, you go age in stone. Let's go to the bar. Talk about how we're both pedophile. They do do stuff like that where they're like, I'm just making sure she's OK, because like they they use that excuse like, oh, I want to make sure, you know, she's home alone. There are bad guys out there. And then Chris Hansen's like, is that why you said you want to come on her face?

Starting point is 00:34:14 Yeah, well, I have to say why you said you wanted to stick your foot in her and wear like a snowshoe. Well, oh, my. My cat walked across the keyboard. Well, oh, my cat walked across the keyboard. Your Chris Hansen. Funny. Chris Hansen walks in. Chris Hansen walks in. He sees me. This is what I say. I go, actually, I'm not into children. I'm into people pretending they're children. So do you still want to fuck?

Starting point is 00:34:37 Because I know she's actually 30. But what gets me is an undercover cop pretending she's a pedophile. What do you think? I'm stupid. You think I'm going to fall for this little trap? I knew she was actually a 30 year old pretending to be a 50 year old. I'm hoping pedophiles get out of cases, I don't know. Yeah, there's someone listening to this going,

Starting point is 00:34:52 that's fucking good. Wait a minute. So wait, are you saying, and maybe I'm mishearing, you're saying the ploy is the pedophile goes, I'm not here for them, I'm actually here for you. Yeah, I'm here for you. And I was trying to set this up the whole time. I would say to her, I go, I knew you were a cop undercover and that's actually what I'm in. I see. I'm into here for you. And I was trying to set this up the whole time. I would say to her, I go, like I knew you were a cop undercover

Starting point is 00:35:06 and that's actually what I'm in. I'm into cops who are undercover pretending to be children. That's my thing. And then she goes, yeah. And I go, yeah. And then you have to fuck that woman, which probably is harder for them

Starting point is 00:35:17 because they don't like women. They like the thing they like. Sure. So, you know. I wanna put you over. I think it's, yeah. What's happening? I'm all over, man., I want to put you over. I'm all over, man.

Starting point is 00:35:28 I guess. You follow? You follow? I follow. Three out of four follow. I'm there. All right. I want to be. I want to watch the show of the wife of the new age pedophile hunter. You know, these guys that are like just volunteer pedophile hunters. And they spend all their time finding pedophiles acting like little girls. I want to be the guy's wife that's like, you doing it online again?

Starting point is 00:35:48 He's like, I'm saving them, I'm saving them. And you're like over his shoulder, he's like, yeah, I'm a little girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think that those guys are probably also, because like there's a thing in the parenting community, we just had a woman get arrested because she gives all this parenting advice.

Starting point is 00:36:01 We just had a woman get arrested? Yeah, wait, because I'm in the group. We put her down. We just had a woman get arrested. Wait, because I'm in the group. Uh, we had, we put her down. We, we. She, uh, French group. Did you sing Dashwork Confessional when you were putting her down? No, she, she was, uh, she's a big... I'm putting it over.

Starting point is 00:36:14 Brendan also said, we, we, it's a French group. I missed that, and I'm sorry, I did. Yeah, I, uh, thank you for amplifying. We were flying fast. And I didn't want that one to go unnoticed. All right, so you're in your French group. No, no, no. Just a quick thing is that they they have these moms who give advice

Starting point is 00:36:33 and this mom who gives advice for like children. She was like a wildly abusive mom and she just went to jail, I think, for like 60 years. And I think. Wait, what advice was she giving? She's like, well, this is how you do this kind of parenting and you want to talk to them this way. Meanwhile, she's going home, handcuffing her kids and like throwing hot water on their face. No way. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:48 And I think that's why all these pedophiles. Oh, I actually heard about that. Yeah. Wait, this happened in your neighborhood? No, in the community, in the parenting community. I follow a lot of parenting Instagram things. Yeah, that's like a national news story. Here's where my hair was at. We gotta speak fast here because we're all screaming.

Starting point is 00:37:03 You were. So I might not be getting all the words. My thoughts. You feel like you're under the gun. I'm under the gun. We're all under the gun. My thoughts. We're meeting up at like a public school cafeteria

Starting point is 00:37:13 for a community parenting meeting. That's what I thought too, man. No, we're just all going so fast. So you're calling an Instagram account a community? Yeah. Well, there's like a Facebook community is an online community. Which I also thought you were physically showing up to be a part of. I thought they were the local, yeah, exactly. The parents in your neighborhood.

Starting point is 00:37:33 Yeah, I thought this was the Queens PS7 community. The comedy community is all over the country, you get it? Yeah, I thought it was the Queens PS7 community. I thought it was the Queens PS7 community. I thought it was the Queens PS7 community. I thought it was the like the local. Yeah, exactly. The parents in your neighborhood. Yeah, I thought this was the Queen's PS7. The community is all over the country. You get it. I don't think we should spend a lot of time on this.

Starting point is 00:37:51 I think we got to hash this out to an excruciating degree. All right. Definition of community. I got you saying my mind first jumped to that. And then as you were telling it, I was like it was a woman you knew that you were interacting with that was like, Greg, do this with your baby. No, it was this woman who was on TikTok who was, like, giving a lot of parent advice, right?

Starting point is 00:38:13 And then turns out she's, like, torturing her children. What was the advice she was giving good? I'll be honest, I never watched it, and I don't even think I even know who she is. I just want to be part of the group. Our little community. I want want to get a laugh. You're doing great. Am I?

Starting point is 00:38:29 You're doing great. I know, I know. He said you're doing Greg. You're doing Greg. You're just being you, the same medium, lukewarm. Well, that is- Being Ian and doing Greg. To say that that's however your head is in the moment,

Starting point is 00:38:42 that's how you take it. You know, if you're like, you're doing Greg, you're like, I'm fucking doing all right. But then if you really don't believe in yourself, you're like, I'll jump off a, I guess I'll just jump off a bridge. I guess I'll just do Greg again. I told the woman, I mean, I put this a clip online,

Starting point is 00:38:54 but I had a woman, I was doing a joke and I went on stage and they were, they were so bad. I went, if you guys do this, I'm gonna kill myself. So laugh at these jokes. That's hilarious. And they were like, ha. And I went, I'm serious. I have a child, I have two kids. If you don't laugh at this jokes. That's hilarious. And they were like, ha. I'm serious. I have a child of two kids.

Starting point is 00:39:07 If you don't laugh at this set, they will be fatherless. No one thought that was funny. I thought it was hilarious. It's funny. Because they would be dying at that. Yo, I was bombing at some fucking show in L.A.

Starting point is 00:39:18 and I or no, no, no. I was doing fine, but they pulled back on some jokes. So I intentionally started to bomb and I go, you guys are a couple. It's nice. Reminds me. My my ex. She killed herself three years ago today. Never was like, oh, my God, I go incredibly hard to deal with. How did she do it?

Starting point is 00:39:37 She said I was too good at eating pussy. You ever get your pussy so good, you kill yourself. Yeah. Wow. I like that. Funny though. I was the only one laughing. Yeah, that's usually how it goes. I used to do a move on podcasts.

Starting point is 00:39:56 If I was ever on a podcast and the people wouldn't let me talk or they were shitty, or I didn't like the podcast or I didn't like the people, I would always do this move where I would tell a story about how my stepdad, yeah, you know the story. My stepdad. You know the story. We found these cats and I wanted to keep the cats.

Starting point is 00:40:11 Don't say something bad about cats. So I will understand that none of it's true. Okay, but you have to hear that something bad is gonna happen to the cats in the story. So the whole story is that people would, they would talk to me and I would go, I would just be like, oh, my dad found these cats and the cats had kittens and my stepdad said,

Starting point is 00:40:27 this is inhumane because they're gonna die on their own and the only humane thing to do is that you have to put them down and then my stepfather made me, to this day, I don't know how I did it, I had to put all the cats down by hand and I remember throwing one in a roof and throwing, like I would tell this man, I would murder these cats and these people go, what the fuck is he talking about?

Starting point is 00:40:44 But none of that happened. But I just thought to ruin their podcast, I would tell a very long story about how I'm a sociopath who had to murder cats because I said father made me. That's so great. What podcast are you doing? There was one, and also the story kept getting more refined. So at one point there was a detail

Starting point is 00:41:02 that he had to throw in at the ceiling fan. And then it's just like he would imitate the noise and the cat on the crime Yeah, I still hear it in my dream. Yeah And I would like have you know, Greg is telling the story and he's locked in and I have to keep a poker face Through this whole thing. He did it once and it was years ago on the comics at Foxwoods podcast So they would have you do so at Foxwoods they would have you do the podcast at the end of the weekend and it would be the owner, be a manager, be the host. It would be like a server. There'd be eight microphones. And then the headliner,

Starting point is 00:41:35 the host and the feature. So you had a bunch of and they didn't know that like, I don't know if they didn't have headphones, whatever it was, but like they didn't know that they were all talking at the same time. They were all fucked up. Yeah. They were all super drunk. So then Greg starts quietly, quietly at a whisper's pace telling the story to the microphone. So if you listen back to this podcast, you'll hear a couple of guys being like, I don't know, you think the Patriots have it this year or whatever the fuck they're talking

Starting point is 00:41:58 about? And then quietly you hear a horrific tale of a guy who had to kill nine cats at the hand of his stepfather. Yeah, yeah. So funny. That's awesome. Yeah, because it's like, you're gonna fuck me, I'll tank the whole fucking thing.

Starting point is 00:42:11 I'll bring this whole ship to a halt. Like who's never going back on Keith and the Girl? Kid, you not, that might have been one of the ones I did it on. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. Is they still around?

Starting point is 00:42:24 Yeah, they still do the podcast. Is they still around? Yeah, they still do the podcast. Is they still around? They still around. We're all black. We're all black again. This man has not left the scene. Oh, did you ever tell them that story, the pasta twins? The pasta twins?

Starting point is 00:42:35 That's one of my favorite, well, you and me, our improv group was one of the greats. Yeah, I'm really, I'm setting you up for a great winner. I don't know if I could deliver. Was Savage Animal an improv team name or just the name of your show? Savage Animal was Anthony and I. We would write sketches together and we would do comedy and then we would put on a show and the show was always something wild. Like we had the, our favorite, my favorite, we put on a show, the beach party where the whole show was beach

Starting point is 00:42:57 themed and we like, we had, we edited ourselves in the top into a point break. So there's like, yeah, like we had the masks and everything. Like we were about to rob someone. We put ourselves in the robbery scene. And this is 2004. Yeah, that's awesome. Like this is before any of this was happening. We had a guy dressed like Bernie Lomax.

Starting point is 00:43:14 Every time the music would start, he would deadly walk around the room. And then at the end of it, I'm trying to remember how, but I died, how many people were in the audience? That was in the first show. That was the birth of the beast. Oh, so somehow, I know I thought I died. How many people were in the audience? That was in the first show. That was the Birth of the Beast. Oh, so somehow I thought I died in the robbery of Point Break. Oh, no, you're right. I'm sorry. You did.

Starting point is 00:43:32 Yes. Bernie brings me back to life with Bernie Lomax powers. And somehow angels came in and you made out with one of them in POP 2. Yeah, I have. Whoa, really? Yeah, it was pretty cool. Was it a woman? Was it a hot woman? Yeah. I have it. Whoa. Really? Yeah. It was pretty cool. Was it a woman? Was a woman. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:46 Was she hot? Uh, yeah. Just like one of the comedians. Yeah, you're right. She was very attractive. She was very attractive. Was she a comedian? Was she a prostitute publicly?

Starting point is 00:43:55 No, I didn't mean to take advantage of the crowd. Did you like her like her? No, he wasn't. He wasn't like a male. It was like the comedy was happening. So like she came in to like deliver us and then we looked at each other. Part of it. And the improv led to it.

Starting point is 00:44:03 He wasn't like a male. He wasn't like a male. He wasn't like a male. He wasn't like a male. He wasn't like a male. He wasn't like a, it was like the comedy was happening. So like she came in to like deliver us and then we looked at each other. It was part of it. And the improv led to it. He wasn't molesting anyone. No, no, no, no, no. Did you guys ever like go out after that or anything like that?

Starting point is 00:44:13 And I would argue she liked him more than Anthony liked her. It might have been that case. Did you eat her pussy? I tried as best as I could during the bitty. And I just need to make it clear. But god damn it, they wouldn't allow it. They wouldn't allow it. Anthony did not take advantage of a woman in a scene. I just need to make it clear. But god damn it, they wouldn't allow it. They wouldn't allow it. And they did not take advantage of a woman in a scene.

Starting point is 00:44:28 I'm not at all thinking that. We were two actors. But no, yeah, that's. But that night we were one. But we were one actor. Yeah. But yeah, that was really fun. And then that, no, Savage Animal was more sketch stuff.

Starting point is 00:44:42 And then we started, when we first moved here, we started doing improv before standup. So we would go to this improv jam and that was what I was saying for the pasta twins. Right. And just to point out, I was doing standup, but you kept saying, I'm not ready yet. Yes.

Starting point is 00:44:56 So, cause I know you love standup more. So we were doing improv to try to do it, but I was doing standup. That's so fun. And Anthony was like dipping his war. We were doing improv together. And the pasta twins was also, we would always come out with these different names. The pasta twins. We were doing this improv together. And the Pasta Twins was also, we would always come out with these different names. The Pasta Twins, we were two men in love.

Starting point is 00:45:09 No, that was our karaoke name. When we did karaoke, two men in love. And the Pasta Twins was me, Anthony, this guy, Gowie, who was 99. Gowie! Was his name Gary? I know Gowie. Gowie.

Starting point is 00:45:24 Oh my God, he was his name, Gary. I know Gary. Oh my God. He was in your improv group? Yeah. He was like an 80 year old Jewish man who was on every episode of 30 Rock. Yep. Oh yeah, I know that fucking guy. And all the friends.

Starting point is 00:45:37 He was in every episode of 30 Rock. Friends, he was in our improv group. We were business partners. We were colleagues. Ha ha ha. He was my mentor. Wasn't his catchphrase like, say what? Was it?

Starting point is 00:45:49 He would say the craziest things. Let me just tell you who the fourth member is. Was David Hester Bay. Walk them through when we first saw him. And when we first met David Hester Bay, he had put on every computer, was a video of himself on YouTube, greased up in oil, no shirt on, singing to, it was like, oh!

Starting point is 00:46:08 Shaday. Shaday. Smooth operator. Dancing, smooth operator. He also is the man who was arrested for stalking Jennifer Aniston. What? What?

Starting point is 00:46:19 Jumped her fence. He got in a cab, I heard, took a cab from New York to LA. He took a cab? A cab, whatever hundreds of thousands of dollars that would cost, dropped off in front of her house, jumped her fence, and was then arrested for stalking Jennifer Aniston.

Starting point is 00:46:35 He didn't take a cab. That can't be true. He was in our group after he had done that. So we had known this was who he was. And you were in an improv room? We were in a psycho. Perfect improv. Like, like a perfect like, give us a star to stalk and give us some time.

Starting point is 00:46:52 Every suggestion is like, you're ordering pizza. He's like, yeah, I can't eat this pizza. I got to go to Jennifer Aniston's house. So I want to say we're heroes because by being in our group, by being in our group, meant he wasn't in someone else's group and if he was in someone else's group, he was going to try to feel up the woman. That is how it always happens. We're doing a kissing scene. Right. So it was an open mic and you got rules. So we always were like, Hey, you guys want to be on our team tonight?

Starting point is 00:47:18 So it was that it was multiple times. And so we go down there and they're, and I remember like do a suggestion and it was like, there's someone would be like, broken down car. And then Gally would come out and be like, I'm a broken down car and I talk, but I'm a doctor and I have AIDS, I'm gonna fuck everyone with AIDS. So then me and Anthony, all we had to do was go, wait a minute, did you just say you're a doctor

Starting point is 00:47:38 who's a broken down car who also has AIDS? How did you get AIDS? And he would go, because I was on the moon and the planet and I crashed on the moon. Wait a minute, all we would do is just repeat back the insane things they would say and the crowd would lose their hope. Easiest comedy we ever had to do in our lives.

Starting point is 00:47:52 That's awesome. We were weekly champions. Weekly champions. Oh my God, I wish you guys were still doing this. And it was, yeah. And it was also, it was a three- I'll be Gary if you'll be the stalker. I'm already halfway there. It was a three-on-three improv jam. was a three on three improv jam.

Starting point is 00:48:06 Three on three improv jam. But they let us have four because no one would ever partner with Gowie and David Esther Pei. Oh my god. Yeah, it was the best improv I've ever done because they would introduce wild concepts and you would just play the straight man and we would crush. You would just literally repeat whatever the maniac would say. My mustache is raping Cher.

Starting point is 00:48:27 And you'd go, hang on, your mustache is raping Cher? Was there any party when you guys were doing this, you were like, let's just let Gowee and David Hester go up together and we'll not go up and just see what the fuck happens? 90% of it. Yeah, we weren't in the mix much. No, 90% of it.

Starting point is 00:48:48 We were off to the sides. We were more like directors. We were like, guys, I understand and I love it. But you gotta get on stage. We would let them go and then we would pause and then just go, ladies and gentlemen, did you see what you just saw? That is art.

Starting point is 00:49:03 And then we would bow and walk away. That's so funny, man. Yeah, they just needed somebody to be like, you know, look, look at this. This is insanity. You guys should get the team back together. Well, Gowie's dead and David Hester-Babe, hopefully he's dead.

Starting point is 00:49:20 He's dead to us. Gowie's dead? Yeah, Gary passed away. Yeah, I'm not laughing at him. There's a documentary on Gowie's dead? Yeah, Gary passed away. Yeah, I'm not laughing at him. Mid-scene, mid-scene. And no one knew. We were like, damn, he's really fucking owning this. There's a documenting on Gowie and Alan Shane.

Starting point is 00:49:35 Really? Yeah. Did Alan Shane die? Yeah. Oh, yeah. His ashes were famously at the creek, the downstairs open mic for a long time. Really?

Starting point is 00:49:44 Yeah. Wow. Hey, if I die, don't put open mic for a long time. Really? Yeah. Wow. Hey, if I die, don't put my ashes near a comedy club. I want Ian to break sobriety and snort my ashes. I don't want to be inside you comedically. Okay. We can make that happen sooner rather than later.

Starting point is 00:50:00 Is that part of sobriety? Yeah, I was like, dude, will he get fucked up from your ashes? Well, I'll come out of his body. Well Will he get fucked up from your ashes? Will all come out of his body? Will he start fucking men again? That's a good question actually. If you die from an overdose like heroin or whatever and then get immediately cremated and somebody snorts it, will they feel the heroin?

Starting point is 00:50:20 No! Are you an idiot? I like how you pose this as that's a good question. That's my favorite part of it. Oh man. No, are you an idiot? I like how you pose this as that's a good question. What's my favorite part of it? I want to put you over, but that's the dumbest thing about it. I know we don't like to talk a lot of science on this podcast. You guys are all fucked up, man, because because there's a lot of people asking questions throughout history and, you know, this is the kind of stuff that, you know.

Starting point is 00:50:44 Yeah, I'm Louis Pasteur right now. Yeah. I'm just gonna say. I also, you know, I hate to, nah, that's not even funny. What? Say it. No, I was gonna like shamelessly plug my special

Starting point is 00:51:00 to be funny, but then it was just a real shameless plug and then that implicated myself. So plug it up. I just plugged it, I already feel dirty. Tell everybody, tell everybody out there in TV land. Greg Stone has a special David Hester did nothing wrong. See, you got to do your own plug or else we're going to make it up. March 6th, which I don't know what day it is. It's tomorrow for us, but it could be yesterday for you. What's what are we? When does this thing come out? March 6th, nobody presents.

Starting point is 00:51:25 I thought he was the one asking the questions. I know. Now I hate myself. Hey, if you poop on a pee, will you? I always wondered if you had stomach cancer and they cut it out and I ate it, do I then get stomach cancer again? And I asked a doctor, I had a doctor on my podcast

Starting point is 00:51:42 and I asked him and he said, and I quote Ian, what are you a fucking idiot? He said that to you? Yeah, he does not know how that works. But that's a great question. If you cut out someone's cancer and eat their cancer, do you get cancer? No! Stomach cancer. You have the cancer in your stomach again. You technically have stomach cancer. It's just not operative. But the cancer... But I don't believe no. That's like being like,

Starting point is 00:52:02 if I take a tattoo off my skin and put it on your skin, does that tattoo be your skin? No, and I don't care about your how stupid of a voice you use. I think that's a good fucking question. Sincerely. This is a smart graduate. You can say anything in that in that retard voice. I'm going to go over there.

Starting point is 00:52:20 I don't think anyone sounds stupid. Oh, yeah. If you put a bunch of metal together and you fly to space, can you be in space? Yes. Actually, Brendan, you can. Yes. You know, it's funny. We went to BattleBots in Vegas.

Starting point is 00:52:34 If you put a bunch of oxygen in a tank and then go underwater, can you breathe through the tank? Yes. Yes. Yes, you can. And if you stop drooling, Brendan, we will let you try. As I say to my son, high five. Dude, so in Vegas, we went to BattleBots, which was like so fucking fun.

Starting point is 00:52:54 Me and Atel went and we were betting on each fucking one. That's great. And we were like yelling, like get him! And then the next week I brought Luke and Yamanika. That was hilarious. Wait, Luke the rapper? No, Monos. Oh week I brought Luke and Yamanika. That was hilarious. Wait, Luke the rapper? No, Monaz. Oh, I love Luke.

Starting point is 00:53:09 You know the Luke the rapper from, isn't he from the Fuck Shop? Do you live Peru? Uncle Luke? Uncle Luke. You brought Uncle Luke and Yamanika? Yeah, I brought Uncle Luke. He wouldn't stop yelling about Buzzy. I love Luke Monaz.

Starting point is 00:53:19 So we, dude, he's like, I think it's fake. It's set up. It's predetermined. I'm like, no, it's not, you idiot. He's like, I think it's fake. It's set up. It's predetermined. I'm like, no, it's not, you idiot. He's like, it's just like wrestling. They I don't even think they're doing the controls. I'm like, you're an idiot. The battle is harder. So then the battle box.

Starting point is 00:53:34 That's what he thought. That's is so fun to watch. Bill Dwyer, shout out that the original host of the Comedy Central Show, he does the one in Vegas, right? He gave us free tickets, had us come backstage, look at all the robots and everything, right? So there's... You got to do a meet and greet with the robots? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was a tough one for me. This guy's got a saw on his head.

Starting point is 00:53:54 I had a hard time. I should have won it. He's cheating. It's a fix. I love your podcast. Can I be out sometime? I'm just not in the mood to talk. You did that. You did that. He did that. He goes, why are the robots Indian?

Starting point is 00:54:10 All my robots are Indian. But they're made by Indians. I am like my father. They believe in reincarnation. And sometimes you come back as a battle bot. Everybody knows that. In my homeland I wasn't. If you reincarnate or recharge, are they re hate my homeland. I was if you were a car, they were watch.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Wait, no, that's hilarious. I'd love to go back. It was really funny. Oh, I was an iPad. That was the. That was the. Thank you. Yeah, that was a tough call.

Starting point is 00:54:41 Yeah. If you just had the confidence, you know. Yeah. Me? No, I don't know. I don't know what happened. My iPad, my Apple Watch told me that we're in a loud environment right now. Yeah, they tell you that. They go, you're in a loud environment.

Starting point is 00:54:57 Yeah, I know. I have ears, dummy. Of course. Yeah, they think they know everything. It's very sunny out today It is very hot today I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot.

Starting point is 00:55:27 I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot.

Starting point is 00:55:35 I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot.

Starting point is 00:55:43 I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I am a robot. I'm a vending machine. Real quick, I have to say this, Luke, Calvin, if I'm dead and you're listening to all the things I've done to catch up to know who your father was, I'm sorry I did the accent of your heritage. If anyone's allowed to do it. That's Japanese. That's very specifically Japanese.

Starting point is 00:55:56 But I don't know the difference. Now, that's the problem. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Hey, I'm putting you over. Either do I. My name is Greg. I'm sorry, everyone. Hey, I'm putting you over. Either do I. My name is Greg. I'm a racist motherfucker. How you all doing?

Starting point is 00:56:12 All right. Welcome back, boys. Welcome back. I have a special coming out March 6th. Don't watch it. It's not like this. Let them fight. A little fight. What to do? Okay, so you bring Luke and Yamanika to these battle bots.

Starting point is 00:56:28 Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Three hours later. Oh, that's Greg's robot voice. Anyway, continue. Hold on.

Starting point is 00:56:38 I am really racist. How are you doing, Greg? Hey, my children or something. So thick. Yeah, he's allowed to. So thick. I am really racist. How are you doing? Hey, my children or something. So, so Luke kept going, it's set up, it's not real, it's all fake like wrestling. So when we're meeting the robots, their robot puppeteer guys are there and some of them

Starting point is 00:56:58 were dressed like pirates. One was dressed like a ninja, you know, like named after they were dressed like the the robots and some guys dressed like a pirate. And Luke is standing here. I go, hey, Luke, why are you asking this guy's got a question? He thinks this is all fake. And the guy's like, no, it's not. What do you want? That's impossible.

Starting point is 00:57:16 And Luke goes, no, I didn't. I never said that. And Luke takes me inside. It's like, how dare you do that? You probably embarrassed that man. I go, and he's dressed like a fucking pirate. What are you do that? You probably embarrassed that man. I go, and bae, he's just like a fucking pirate.

Starting point is 00:57:28 What are you talking about? He said, you think it's the fake? Then walk us a plank. You ever get one and you go, what are you doing, man? What are you doing with your life? That way, I loved it. Yeah, I like this looking. I'll tell you what you're doing with your life,

Starting point is 00:57:41 you're living it. I'll give you a massage. I don't care, I'll do it right now. Are you good at massages? I don't know, I don't care, I'll just get away. What are we doing? Moving right along. If you could get in the comments,

Starting point is 00:57:55 that would really help boost the algorithm. Everyone comment on Greg Special, some sort of robot racist thing. If you like Greg Special, go beep, boo, bop, boo. He's a was a good. Oh, my kids are going to hate me. Anyway. What do you do for a living?

Starting point is 00:58:16 I like to do crowd work on podcasts. No one does that. Hey, what's the weirdest thing you've ever done sexually? You should do crowd work to the fan. How do you guys do it? Who out there? Hey, you fucking her? Oh, I think you could. Why, you just friends?

Starting point is 00:58:27 Why be friends? Just fuck. This is what I say on stage, I hate myself. I am, I am me. That's just, you have to be happy with that. I can't be anything else. What's the name of your special? Nobody presents. I am me. Just have to be happy with that. I can't be anything else.

Starting point is 00:58:46 What's the name of your special? Nobody presents Greg Stone. Oh, that's awesome. Nobody presents Greg Stone. I was gonna call it Anthony DeVito presents Greg Stone and then just make him do it. But then I said, he's a nobody. I'll just call it nobody presents.

Starting point is 00:59:01 That would be a great joke about it. It would be like, why is he presenting specials? In what world does he think he is? Well, the original idea was if someone paid the full amount to have it done, it's their special. They was going to be like, hey, man, if you're just a garbage man, Jimmy the Garbage Man presents Greg Stone.

Starting point is 00:59:20 That's your special. Oh, so you crowdfunded it. I did crowdfund it. And everybody paid for it, but nobody gave the full amount. It should be everybody. And if they should be, that's not funny as funny. Oh, no, but that's cool. Everybody presents Greg Stone because everybody likes you.

Starting point is 00:59:36 You can edit. You got friends. No, I can't. I literally told the director. You got robots. I got robots. I got Chinese robots. There's like not after we heard the podcast, we were once allies with you, but not. The robot revolt.

Starting point is 00:59:50 So you characterized us. Ever since I did the podcast. There's my watches working. The Wi-Fi's turning off. The Wi-Fi's against me. Everyone knows we're from New Zealand. We're the New Zealand robots. Eh, no, no eh?

Starting point is 01:00:05 Robo? Nah. Anyway, my birthday is June 19th if anyone wants to send me something. Yeah, anyway. What was this? Why did you go? You know you're great. You want a massage? What was that? Because there's always words happening. It's just when I open.

Starting point is 01:00:26 Just say them man. No, no, I do. I just, things are happening always. And at some points I open and whatever comes out, that's what comes out. Yeah. And that's just, and I do, but I have to be, I have to not talk and let other people talk sometimes.

Starting point is 01:00:37 You know what I'm gonna do? You're talking, no one's talking. There's always talking. You know what I'm gonna do? Okay, from here on out, I'm just going to go open. And then you'll just say the thing that's in your head. Isn't that weird? Open that literally. Aren't that crazy?

Starting point is 01:00:50 I mean, like little knives on your hands. It's kind of amazing. Isn't it weird, though, that also that's true? I go fully formal. Yeah, that's incredible. Why? There's always someone talking. Yeah, and now we're always. the earth is never 100% silent. What?

Starting point is 01:01:10 No, weird. The earth is never 100% silent. Yeah. What is silence? Whoa. You know what I mean? Because if you're on a star, you're on the moon. The earth is always silent.

Starting point is 01:01:19 You can't hear him. That's true. Right. If you get close enough, my fingernail, the knife is probably loud. It's growing. But what frequency? Man, you guys should do a podcast. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's like literally you guys are just watching this live podcast.

Starting point is 01:01:38 This is great. You got to get audience. What? Oh, Black Lives Matter. They do. But I don't think any lives matter. So how can I stand behind them if I think that if we all die it means nothing? That's my big problem with the movement. I didn't say Fox News. You never know. You don't know what's going to be in the box.

Starting point is 01:01:56 You can't say it! Because yes, I want, police needs to withdraw. Close! Close! Go, go, go, close, close, close, close, close, close, close, close. Different door, different door, different door. But reality is if you look far enough from anything, no one's life matters. So yes, yours matter, but really no one matters.

Starting point is 01:02:15 Make everything nothing again. Shut, shut. Well what is matters? Yes, anyway. Can I say this though? True fact, my wife has a magnet that says food nutrition matters. The nutritionist community tried to steal the Black Lives Matter mantra by being like, well, also nutrition matters.

Starting point is 01:02:36 And I'm like, hey guys, there's a thing happening over there. Maybe I'll get on with it. Are you serious? I swear to God. They tried to co-opt it afterwards. That's amazing. Right. I swear to God they tried to co-opt it afterwards. Yeah, that's amazing right there next their next catch raises like Put your foot on the neck of diabetes

Starting point is 01:02:56 And there's no other one yep No justice no peas that was really good. You made some fucking shit George Floyd joke Four years later who's George Floyd joke four years later. Who's George Floyd? Who cares? No more putting each other over the market. What's the market? This podcast? Saturizing? It's making fun of the market? You stupid fucking piece of corn. No justice, no peace. Open! My stepdad is, he like a fetus, but I get why. He wanted us to be... Yeah, this is the problem with Pandora's Box. He wanted me to. He was a cop and he saw what happened when things went bad. So, you know, he hit us, but he just didn't want us to see to see me

Starting point is 01:03:53 on the other end of his gun, as he said to me. I swear to God, I swear to God. OK, close. All right. You don't know you're not just close, but put it away. We're going to board up that door. Yeah, yeah. And literally you're talking to me and that's what's happening in the background. That's the folder going on in the back.

Starting point is 01:04:12 Yeah, I wish I was trans because then it wouldn't be like a guy wants to kill himself. It's just a woman. Like, I would love to have a woman in there. And that came from us not even saying open. Well, sometimes they would was just let it rip. Once the levees broke, they broke. Life finds a way. You know, in my head, in my head,

Starting point is 01:04:31 there's a guy going, we should eat that, eat that shitty food, kill that person, fuck that woman, and I'm like, dude, stop, stop, stop. But if I was trans, maybe it would just be a girl going, hey, try on that dress, dance around. You know what I mean? Like, I would love that, but they probably also want to kill themselves too. That on that dress, dance around. You know what I mean? Like, I would love that. But they probably also want to kill themselves. That is a good point, actually.

Starting point is 01:04:48 I wish it was just a lady in that is a good point, actually. Like you your what makes your thoughts not bad when other people's thoughts are like accepted as like, oh, there's something telling me I need to be a woman and there's something in you telling you I need to eat McDonald's and cheat on my wife. Yes, absolutely. What's so bad about what's the difference? Every time I talk to a man, I go, am I going to have to kill this guy every single time?

Starting point is 01:05:13 The whole time you've been down here. The three of you, I've already got the plans if things went wrong, how I have to take you out. I don't want to, but that's happening. I wish it was just a person being like, I wish my dick was gone. It would be great. It's way better. But you can. I wish it was just a person being like, I wish my dick was gone. It would be great. It's way better. But you can. I can what?

Starting point is 01:05:28 Think that. I'm trying. I'm trying to take a brother. Try it. What are all the ways you would kill us? Yeah. For real? Let's get back to that.

Starting point is 01:05:38 Well, I'd have to like, immediately. Oh, let me count the ways. You've already thought about killing us. Immediately, his elbow him, because just I got to get to you guys before you react, and I grab that mouse, I shove it in Anthony's mouth, and then I bite you, and then I gotta run out as far as I can.

Starting point is 01:05:50 What about Ethan? Why, he's very light. None of these sticks are gonna kill anyone. Well, just to get out. You think in the moment from his belly to that mouse, his mouth is gonna be be like this all time. He would be like, Greg, what are you doing? Fight with him to put that mouse. And by then I'm I'm hitting you with this.

Starting point is 01:06:11 Well, it's all one motion. Well, not not. No way. You're you're. Well, I would say you're in your dick. That's the only way to slow you down. It gets it gets him to stop. He just hears the noise and goes, you hear this. You know, what have I been doing?

Starting point is 01:06:24 Truthfully, I hate to say this go, what have I been doing? Truthfully, I hate to say this, I don't ever have to think, you're one of the only people that I don't ever think how I have to take out because we've been friends for so long that I would die. If you went crazy, you wanted to kill me, I would die. That's okay. By the way, not for nothing,

Starting point is 01:06:37 but there is a baseball bat right there and he did not mention baseball bat at all. Because I'm just trying to, because by the time I got to that bat, this guy's on me. Because he's not smart. Oh, buddy. Once we went full tilt from not putting each other over,

Starting point is 01:06:51 it's just taking a turn. Really? Now the enemy's cast, and this guy, happy day for him as the market has been satirized. You're talking about killing us? He said, the enemy's cast. The enemy's cast. He said the enemy's cast.

Starting point is 01:07:04 I don't think you're not smart. I think you're incredibly intelligent.'s cast. You're the son of the enemy's cast. I don't think you're not smart. I think you're incredibly intelligent. What if there's a guy in my head who's constantly being like, you see how stupid you are, Greg? He knows it. Ian even knows. Even he's telling the truth for the first time now. But if you had thought of a better way to kill us, then I'd go, all right, you are smart.

Starting point is 01:07:18 There's also a symbol right there that you could have, like, sliced one of our jugulars with. No, that's the easy way to do it. How would you kill us right now? Well, too slow. Yeah, too slow, I guess. I mean, I haven't been thinking about it every minute that this podcast has been going on. I think I would grab this and I'd smash.

Starting point is 01:07:41 And then I'd stand up and I'd grab that bat and I'd hit you once in the head, ow, and then I'd take the bat to you. But then I would go, fire! Whoa! Whoa! He threw fire at us. What if he went up? You don't get this anymore now.

Starting point is 01:07:59 Why, is it satirizing? I'll light this fucking whole thing on fire. If Brendan just went up in flames and then we also continued the podcast, because I really got to promote my special, I got to be like, Oh, I got Brendan, but also March 6th, guys, I need the views. I got to monetize. Anyway, I feel like we're good. We got it.

Starting point is 01:08:25 All right, let's try something new. I think we got it. I think we got it on that. Woo! All right, let's try something new. Everybody play an instrument at the end of the podcast, but first go through your plugs. When does this come out? This comes out in two weeks? The 20th. Oh, so my special has already failed miserably. Stop! no!

Starting point is 01:08:45 Power of positive thinking. Oh, come on. You're right, you're right. What has happened to your special already? It's already got one million views from people who are spite watching because they think I look so much like John Lovitz. That was a wild positive spin. That was the craziest positive spin.

Starting point is 01:09:04 Okay, tell, where can they find your special? That was the craziest positive spin. Okay, tell, where can they find your special? It's on YouTube, type in nobody presents Greg Stone. And what is your YouTube? YouTube is Greg Stone. YouTube.com slash Greg Stone. I think, I think you just type in Greg Stone, you'll find me.

Starting point is 01:09:17 I'm really trying to help you. I appreciate it, I didn't come prepared. I didn't come prepared, I don't know who I am anymore. Okay, we'll put it on the screen. Sagalow, your your plugs. Nashville, it's a city winery. The 28th. Come on out to that. Then I'm going to be a governor's

Starting point is 01:09:38 on the 19th and the 20th. And then I got soldiers on the 26th of April. Those are all April dates except for the city winery one, which is in this week. Hey, nice. Yeah. Twenty. So come on out to that and follow me on everything. And where can they get tickets?

Starting point is 01:09:59 I have to use this. I know. I want to know. Brandy's I go dot com. Anthony. Oh my, that's a wake up call. Follow me on Instagram at comedian Anthony DeVito and I have a don't tell comedy thing that I think is good. So watch that on YouTube. It is good.

Starting point is 01:10:23 It is good. Yeah. That's it. I like that you didn So watch that on YouTube. It is good. It is good. Yeah. That's it. I like that you didn't use that for its intended purpose. You just played one note. That's all you can handle. I mean, this thing is aggressive. It's supposed to go like, eee?

Starting point is 01:10:33 It's a slide. Oh. Whistle. You know, just make love to it. Just give less. Yeah, make love to it. You heard give less from him. That means, whoa, you got love to it. You heard give less from him. Whoa, you got to cool it.

Starting point is 01:10:49 Ianfightance.com for all my dates. May 5th, I'm headlining the Hollywood improv for Netflix is a Joke Fest. Let's pack it out. Ianfightance.com for tickets. I'm also coming to Springfield, Missouri, Austin, Creek in the Cave, April 5th and 6th. Beanie-en with Jordan. Justin, Creek in the Cave, April 5th and 6th. Beanie-en with Jordan. Patreon, patreon.com slash beanie-en pod. And jordanjensen.com or punchuplive.com slash jordanjensen for all her dates. And thank you guys so much for coming, man.

Starting point is 01:11:15 You guys are the best. Get off your phone. Thank you so much. Yeah, but the camera's still on. Just be nice for a minute. Hello? Julius Caesar. Julius Orange. Orange Julius. Oh, I'll kill myself. Prove a point. You don't suck. I said, all right, everybody instruments

Starting point is 01:11:36 out. Let's go. My last stars. My last stars. That's our band. Yes.. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars.

Starting point is 01:11:52 Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars.

Starting point is 01:12:00 Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star Wars. Star one. Thank you.

Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein' Ian With Jordan Episode 086: Home Improvment W/ Anthony DeVito, Brendan Sagalow, & Greg Stone

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