Bein' Ian With Jordan - Bein’ Ian With Jordan Episode 089: Home Surgeries W/ Durag And The DeerTag

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

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Hi everybody. We got live shows punchup.live slash Ian finance to see my dates punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen to see Jordan Jensen's dates. Yeah. And we got a live podcast live being Ian with Jordan May 7th Netflix is a joke comedy festival at the comedy store baby. Let's go April 19th the 20th Chicago Zanies and a bunch of other stuff. So go to punchup.live slash Ian finance for my dates. I got Portland, Oregon, Denver, Los Angeles for Netflix thing. Wilmington, dead crow. Where is that? North Carolina, Houston. I got one at the bell house in New York, Poughkeepsie, Des Moines, Iowa, Manchester,

Connecticut, Dallas, Timonium. Don't know where that is. Oh yeah. Goobies, San Francisco, Columbus, Toledo, Dayton, Batavia, Nashville, Charlotte, North Carolina. Come on out. I got I'm adding more dates. Guess where I'm coming in July.

Australia. No way. Oh, that's so cool. For a week in July. Yes. Look out for those tickets. See you down. No way! No! Oh, no! Really? Oh, that's so cool! I'll see you there for a week in July. Yes!

Look out for those tickets. See you down under! Ha ha ha ha! ["Wild Ride"] Telling jokes and having smokes Riding bikes all through the night It's a wild ride When you're being in

Coffee ice no matter what Now you know he likes it in the butt It's a wild ride when you're being Ian Being Ian Life is shit but you're positive Let's find out what it's like to live Alive Be an Ian

Be an Ian With Jordan Meow dude no that's what i'm saying i thought everyone knew the macarena from the beginning of time hello my honey hello my darling macarena dude it doesn't make sense to me that i thought that was like an old african tribe dance i thought the macarena went back to like bc times you know mambo number five was a slave he's talking this off of freedom bro damn slave. Yeah. It's awful freedom, bro. Damn. Well, come back to another episode of being Ian with Jordan.

I am Ian Fidey and Jordan Jensen is on the road, but don't worry. We are what rhymes with road, gonna explode. Explode. With some fun. We got the dudes, the dudes, the pals, the pals, are what rhymes with road gonna explode. With some fun. We got the dudes of dudes, the pals of pals, Duregan the deer tag.

Yes, Naim, Rob and Mr. Little Drew in the house. And I am so excited. It's going to be a fun time. I'm excited, man. Yes. Ah, shit. Yeah! Jesus!

Hell yeah. Dude, your Wi-Fi was buffering. You heard it, then you went, yeah! Yeah, I got late reactions to electricity. I think my brain's out of rubber. You see what I'm saying? Damn, you're grounded. I'm grounded at all times, bro.

Yo, I respect that. Speaking of electricity, that, I should have laughed at that because that was good and my reaction was bad. That was such an amazing fucking pun. Holy shit. Some would say it's electric. Anyway, it's electric. Dude, I, okay. So I was in Springfield, Missouri and I went to this place called the Fantastic Caverns. Okay.

It's so there's like a bunch of people that are like, Oh, I'm going to go to this place and I'm going to go to this place and I was in Springfield, Missouri, and I went to this place called the Fantastic Caverns. Okay. Okay. It's so there's like all these caverns and caves under the ground in Missouri. And we took a jeep tour of it, right? You're on it.

So you can ride through the caves? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you know when you go to Haunted Hayride, it's like a tractor with like a big thing and a bunch of that's what it was, right? Oh, there was people jumping out at you? No. That's what Haunted Hayride is. I thought it was like a cave people coming in. Dude stabs you with a stalactite.

Firebat inventing the wheel, hitting you in the head with it. Dude, we're on this thing. And first of all, they sat us next to these old married whores and they were like, oh, I'm going to go to the the wheel hitting you in the head with it. So, dude, we're on this thing. And first of all, they sat us next to these old married whores and they were off the jump. They go, now you're going to have to bend over and watch your heads. The stalactites run low. And this woman goes, reminds me of being in high school and then puts her head down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. down. She was proud to be a whore. I pop my head and I go, well, call me 16. So so we

so we're like going through, dude, it's the coolest shit in the world. And there's like a cave curtain that's like this big. And it took 83 years to grow. And then there was something that was 22 feet big and like eight feet wide from the ceiling of the cave down. And it's like, that took probably around like 30,000 years to grow. And it's like, yo, we are so small.

Right? Yeah, we live in a blink of an eye. Right? That's nuts. I kind of hate it. Why? I want to be around forever, bro What do you want to be a vampire in Philly? That's exactly what I would do do to Philly vampire

Give me your blood I'm motherfucking John Faratun, dude. Give me your blood. I'm a crip. That's the best. Yeah, it was wild. And they turn like the lights off, right? And the woman lit a lighter to show us like they used to have to explore these caves with their bats. Candles. Yes, some bats. Yeah. And so they, they, she, she lights it and it shows how they had to explore the caves with

candles back in like the 1800s or whatever. And then we get to this big part and she starts talking about this guy, John Knox. And she's like, John Knox, who found these caves, you know, it was during the Civil War and he would hide down here because if the soldiers found it, they would they would take it over and build gunpowder and like store their weapons and blah, blah, blah. And and then he explored and found other parts of this cave crawling and using candles to find different areas. And I go, so how did he get the courage to like go down and do this alone? Like that must have been so scary. And the tour leader goes, well, he, he had a house he built on top that he would tunnel down to. And I go, so who

crawled through? And she goes, he had a group of women. And I'm like, what? She goes, well, they weren't women. They were 12 to 16. And I'm like, what were their names? And she goes, you know, we don't know. And I'm like, no, during women's history month, they're the ones that did the work

and found the game with this guy, John Knox, who let's be honest, is probably sexually abusing them. Was like, I'm the one. You know what? Damn, he was too much of a bitch to do it himself. That's what I said. That's crazy. That's what I said.

He sent a bunch of little girls there on there? Yeah. Well, you gotta think, maybe their little bodies could go through the thing better, but still, fuck him. Yeah, that's not right. Although, if they were older, I would like some cave hoes. Right? Cave hoes would be cool.

Can you imagine the secrets that existed in that cave? Oh, hell yeah. Cave John Knox's cave of secrets. They do the whole stripper routine down stalactites and shit like that. Slime down fucking throw the ashes. That's when they're supposed to be the stalactites. Coming to the stage, Martha.

That's crazy. She's just like showing an ankle. All the fucking people are like, oh, they're throwing rocks at her. Dave Kerns. Look at them pussy. Kerns clean yourself up. Richard. Stink. Cave curtains, look at them pussy curtains. Clean yourself up, Farrichard. Pussy curtain is stink.

What? I'm not a fag. I am. You like a hanging pussy? What, so you don't? No, I don't want things hanging out of it. Feels like sucking a pee pee. I like it.

And your name loves pee pee. Yes. You love that, bro? It's the slow transition to pee pee. You see, that's why I can't get down with it. I don't want things hanging out. Yo, can you turn your hat forwards? It's the slow transition to peepee Can you turn your hat forwards No, I love it. It's just too much. It's like lunch meat hanging out. I always want to do surgery. You don't like eating? Yeah, I don't want to cut it off. I want to fucking circumcise it. Women are doing that. They're getting labia blasts. Oh, great.

Because they listen to the pod, dude. No, because they're fucking jerks like you. Oh, come on. Yep. Making them not okay with their bodies. I mean, why do you want extra meat meat? What do you have extra meat hanging out your ass? But you don't like turkey skin. You don't like Thanksgiving. Huh? Come on. Fuck no.

That's disgusting. Interestingly enough, love a meaty pussy hanging curtains. Love it. Love it. Nummy, num, num, num. Do not like ball sacks. Wow. OK, interesting. I contain multitudes. What if it was ball sacks without the balls in them?

What if it was just scrotum? Emma, my princess, had her balls removed. Really? Called a okeyotomy. She just had a scrotum? Yeah. And you sucked on it?

You ever had your balls go up inside your pelvis? And your sack be empty? What? You never had that before? No. It happens. You had it before, right Bobby? Yeah, yeah.

And then it gets to my thigh a little bit. What the fuck? Yeah, I thought I had a tumor one time because the ball went so high up that it felt a little lump over here. I'm so uncomfortable. It doesn't hurt, it's uncomfortable. I sit on my nuts sometimes.

Yeah. If you're lucky it'll happen on the pub when I cross my legs. How did that happen and you did not feel it? You gotta push them back down. Like they go like up here. That's abnormal. You just push them.

I think it just means six more weeks winter. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I call my balls Punxsutawney Phil That's so scary that's never happened. I think I was just so cold. I did have a testicular tujian or torsion in the sixth grade,

it's when a piece of tissue from your sack wraps around your nut. And if you don't get it operated on, it could kill your nut. That's so scary. And I was in sixth grade and it happened. And I went to an all boys school and I had to lie and tell people I had a hernia

because I was afraid of getting made fun of for my ball. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You gotta lie about that type of injury. You can't get big. Like it got bigger. Swollen fucked up. I had a friend who had one of those.

He's you my boy had they were not delicious. Dude, the one was normal size. The other one was like a fucking it looked like a baseball. It was crazy. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it was nuts. Yeah. I remember he tried to. He tried to drain it himself.

What? And I wasn't there for it, so I didn't get the visual. But he had to go away. He cut it open or something. No, he tried. He had like a fucking I guess he had. I think his mom was like a nurse or something, but he somehow got a needle and tried to like stick it in. Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew like stick it in. Stop, stop, stop. Yeah, that's too much, bruh. What? That's making me hurt.

Stop! Stop! Woo! Finding that bum was like finding a needle in a haystack. Or in your mom's drawer. Needle in a ball sack. Home surgeries, bruh? That's nuts.

Yeah. I don't know. I wasn't there, but I guess I just heard that he went to the hospital and it was not good. I actually do home surgeries in college for like my friends. Why? What would you do? Like one of my homies had a hanging mole on his neck and I took a box cutter and cut it off. Yeah. What did the mole do? I think I threw that shit in the trash.

I've seen people do that with a dental floss you tie it around and pop it. Oh yeah, yeah. That's probably the better way to do it, cause it took us forever. Yeah, using a knife. Dude, I'm not letting a friend take a box cutter to a mole? Bro, I knew what I was doing. I heat it up.

Oh, did you? You said it took forever. I mean, that's cause he was bitching. He was saying that it hurt. It's outpatient surgery. It shouldn't take forever. He's like, I heated it up with a lighter. I did, I heated it up, I dipped it in some alcohol.

I know what I was doing. You're supposed to freeze it, I think. Really? Yeah, hit it with computer duster. You know, it might have worked better. You're trying to melt it off, dude. Yeah, I thought if I made the blade hot, it'd be like a knife through butter.

Like, it'd cut through easier. Yeah, but he was pinching the whole time. You clearly didn't know what you were doing. I thought I did. Another my friend had a- Skin tech? No, it's like, what's those big ass lumps that people grow sometimes?

Cyst? He had a cyst, yeah, in his armpit. And I fuckin' sliced it open with a box cutter. And then he just squeezed all the pus out of it. That's really gnarly. Yeah, bruh. Damn. I'm good at home surgeries.

I didn't know you rolled like that, that's crazy. I'm good at home surgeries, bro. I am. I'm so sad and grossed out right now. Me and my brother tried to give my dog stitches when we were younger because the dog had stitches already and some of

the stitches opened and we were like, we were like, mom has a sewing kit. And as soon as we like stabbed the dog with the needle, I felt so bad. It made a noise and I was like, I can't do this. We got to bring this somewhere. I felt so bad. It made a noise and I was like, I can't do this. Was someone holding the dog or were you just like sit?

I think I was like 12. My brother was like seven. He had the dog in like kind of like a light rear naked. My dog still loved me after though. She knew I was trying and I tried to... Dude. That's horrible. My dog still loved me after though. She knew I was trying to help. Dogs know. Yeah. They love you no matter what. Dogs are so intuitive. Dude, people don't know this, but cats can pick up on emotion and they have hundreds

of different facial expressions. Really? And they learn to meow, not to communicate with each other, but to communicate with us. Yeah. I did hear that before. That's crazy. There's a theory on Reddit that cats understand English, but they can't speak it. Bro, I honestly think my cat understands me. Like someone, there's a video I saw.

There's a video I saw of a cat rolling its eyes when someone said something sarcastic. No. And then when he starts talking normal, it's like. That's the cat that hates sarcasm. Cats look like they would love sarcasm. It's literally might have been Garfield now that I think about it. You know, the new Garfield is coming out. That's what it was.

Oh my bad. It was a movie preview. Sorry. This was a reddit conspiracy. Damn. Dude, I actually read a study. They fucking love lasagna. They hate oldie.

You know what I'm saying? Damn. He loves a girl named Nermal. That's all cats. He loves the girl named normal. That's all cats. Just like Chris Pratt is crazy. Damn, bro. You ever seen a what's it called?

I forget what it's called, but it's Garfield without John or John without Garfield or something. What? Existential depressing cartoon. Yeah, I want to. That's crazy. I want to see that. That's it. He's fucking the guy from Curious George without the money. They're just gay now. You know, my yellow hat.

Damn, bro. Yeah. Then that boy had no name, did he? Man in a yellow hat. Damn, bruh. Damn, that boy didn't have no name, did he? He just manned a yellow hat. Man in the yellow hat, dude. Damn, Curious George? Yeah. That's how Garfield gets AIDS. That's crazy. Did it come from monkeys?

No. I thought you were saying the man in the yellow hat. I think it did. Damn. Then that's where AIDS come from? Monkeys? Apparently the rumor is someone ate monkey brains and then started fucking guys.

Yeah. Sides, sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah. Brains seem like the worst part of the body to eat. Why the fuck would somebody wanna eat the brain? Especially a monkey.

Yeah. Because he went over, apparently it was like a delicacy in Africa, because it happened in Africa. I can see that. I have seen, I watch Meat Eater a lot, it's like a hunting show, and there's the one episode where they go to Bolivia, and so he like goes to all different parts of the US

and he goes with like local hunters, and he's always hunting whatever's in season to hunt, but when he goes to Bolivia, he asks, he goes like a local tribe people, and he asks them, he's like, what's in season? Like, what are we season to hunt. But when he goes to Bolivia, he asks, he goes like a local tribe people, and he asks them, he's like, what's in season? Like, what are we allowed to hunt? And they're like, are you fucking kidding me? Get whatever you can.

And then they eat a monkey, they shoot a monkey, and they make monkey soup with bananas. I know it was gonna be like a stew. Yeah. I showed you that video. That's fucked up. Dude, they hog tie the monkey and just burn his fur off. Yeah, that'd be like making an Ian Stu,

but with like, Cigarettes. Cigarettes. Yeah. Coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What the hell? That's fucked up. Yeah. But they were eating the brain too. I think I saw that video. They were like cooking the monkey and I didn't like it. You saw like the whole monkey cook. Yeah, it's the whole thing.

Yeah. He's just stiff as hell. Yeah, it's wild. That's fucking nasty. You should chop and I didn't like it. You saw like the whole monkey cook. Yeah, it's the whole thing. Yeah, he's just stiff as hell. Yeah, it's wild. That's fucking nasty. You should chop things up before you cook them. You shouldn't keep them in like full body form.

Well, what about- Even fish, chop it up. You know, chop up fish. What about like a roast pig? You roast it and the fats and the oils in the body cook the meat better, you know? But it is always crazy when you see like a real tanned pig over the fucking thing just spitting.

That's nuts. It's gotta suck. I don't wanna know what I'm eating. I don't wanna know that this used to be a thing. I wanna just look at it like, oh this is meat? Yeah, I eat meat. But I don't wanna know what it was.

Right. Well you don't fuck with pork, right? I never ate pork before. Well one time some girl lied to me and said she was eating. I thought you said you meant you went down on a fat girl. You being poor. That might be the same thing. That might be the same thing.

Similar textures. Yeah. Yeah. No, some girl gave me pork fried rice. She told me it was chicken fried rice. What a bitch. Yeah, she's a bitch. And I started eating it.

And as I'm chewing it, she was like, ah-ha, that's not chicken. That's pork. Oh, she left that in? Yeah. And then I spit it in her face. Good for you. No, then I got suspended from campus. I wasn't allowed to live on campus after that.

Really? Yeah, I didn't get it like an off-campus apartment because she told on me. What a bitch. Yeah, because she- She tricked you into eating pork and then told on you? Yeah, and she told on me. What she did is way worse.

Way worse. Like what the fuck? Yeah. And I didn't spit it on her face on purpose. It's like when she said it, that was my natural reaction to spit it out. Right. Right. Right. And this is probably what he lied about and told the people.

It was an accident. He was in her face. He stabs her with the plastic. Yeah. This is my reaction. I fucking kicked her in the stomach. Yeah. God damn. My grandmother did that with me with calamari.

She used to always, it's like a very Italian thing, like seafood, like the seven fishes on Christmas, whatever. And they would always try to get me to eat these, like, fishes and stuff. And as a kid, I hated it. And she loved calamari and octopus and would always try to get me to eat it. And she told me it was french fries.

And so she gave me a bunch of calamari. I was like these french fries are chewy She was like it's calamari and I just puked and like dude now one of my favorite foods calamari Calamari is so good Isn't it crazy how much of it is mental? Yeah Yeah, it's great But before like my parents used to try to get me to eat vegetables and I like you would have thought like I was being Waterboarded. Yeah, it was crazy thought like I was being waterboarded. It was crazy. I couldn't get past it mentally.

And I was like- My parents, when I was teething, used frozen vegetables with me. So then I loved vegetables growing up. Right, that's smart. That's very smart. Damn. I think vegetables got all the hate from like,

it's like we were talking about earlier, but like some media shit. I think Nickelodeon just like trapped us into hating vegetables. Yeah, ew, vegetable. Yeah, you're right. That looks like just like trapped us into hating vegetables. Yeah, ew, vegetables. Yeah, you're right. That looks like slime. Did they do that on shows?

On cartoons, yeah. Yeah, I remember like Rugrats, they would try and feed them vegetables and they'd be like, spit it out. Yeah. But then, yeah, like the first time I tried Brussels sprouts as like a person who was all for myself.

Nah, I was like, these rule. Yeah. No, the first time I had Brussels sprouts, I was a kid and I literally gagged. I was, and my mom was like, yo, you gonna sit here until you finish these. And she didn't make me get up until I- Okay, and the first time I had birthday parties I was a kid. And I literally gagged. And my mom was like, yo, you gonna sit here until you finish these. And she didn't make me get up until I- I'm saying the first time you like-

Oh, in the dark? Yeah, you're like, these are awesome. Isn't it funny, like the propaganda that can happen with like children's televisions and cartoons and everything? Yeah, bro. Which is why they're now putting trans stuff in cartoons. Exactly. And we gotta put a fucking stop to it, okay?

Anyway guys, so you guys live here. Um, uh- Uh. Uh. fucking stop to it okay yeah anyway guys so you guys live um uh i think the cartoons when we were kids made us have like hero jesus complex because everything is about superheroes and saving people and well isn't everything superheroes now not the cartoons you're saying cartoons are about helping like normal people like normal people stepping up and help no it was like Captain Planet. All this Marvel shit was cartoons first. Like that's why Marvel's out now because they want us to buy tickets to it

because we're grown. But we were kids. Those were cartoons. Even like the Nickelodeon shows had like Jimmy Neutron was like, he wasn't a superhero, but he was the fucking man. Yeah. So it was like all like be the man. Yeah, they want us to feel like we were the man, no matter what you were doing. Power Rangers had a big effect on me. Power Rangers for sure. Which one did you like?

What? Which one did you like the Power Rangers? What color? Big on white and green. I liked blue. Oh hell yeah. You know what Billy rules? Oh Billy?

Yeah, Billy was the man. Affirmative, you know what I'm saying? He was the man. Yeah dude, but when I saw Power Rangers, I got like aggressive for the first time. Yeah. What? Because I just saw them fighting all the time.

So I almost got expelled from preschool. Yeah. Because I would just be like... Preschool? Yeah, I would be like, it's morphin' time. And I would play kids. Now it's nap time. Now it's nap time.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah, dude, you just morphed. Whoa. Bam, bam, ba-da-da-da. Wow. Yeah. When I was in preschool, I morphed into a bit Bum, bum, ba, na, da, da, whoosh! Wow.

Yeah. When I was in preschool, I morphed into a biter for a period. I was a biter kid. Yeah. Oh, y'all got that in common. Hey, don't hold it back. Don't hold it back. He was about to not tell you.

No! He was a big biter. Yeah, he was a biter. I was saying I was biting kids. Oh, yeah. He said he brought them home with a mark. Really? Yeah.

Dude! Big bites Bobby. Yep. He was a biter. Wow! Yeah. A bunch of kids were going home with the market. Why are some kids biters and some aren't? I don't know. I don't know. Everyone has like different things. Like, you know, I mean, all kids are a little violent in some way. True. All kids are fucking weird and they all go through these weird

oral phases and these other phases. And it's just like you have to like get it out of them. And like like every little kid goes through a liar phase Lie because psychologically it's a way of them testing and figuring out their own reality Yes, true, and they say that smarter kids lie earlier Mm-hmm So like you have a smart your kids lying at like three four years old that gets smarter than the kid doesn't start lying to their Seven. Yeah, yeah, because that seven year old is an idiot. That's like I can only say things that actually happen, you know

or seven. Yeah. Yeah. Because that seven year old is an idiot. That's like, I can only say things that actually happen. You know, that's not true. You're fucking idiot. You just make things up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we were both ADHD kids. Yes. Big time.

So you just have that energy. Yeah. Yeah. I went to a preschool down the street from my house and one day I just left. And I just walked home. What the hell? Wait, they let you get all the way home? They didn't even notice.

What the fuck? That's the 90s where you were. That's a bad preschooler. Well, they just went down there and like, are you fucking stupid? What the fuck is going on? Yo, that's crazy. How did you let him do this? I know. And then in kindergarten, I got kicked out because I was obsessed

with the Joker from Batman. Yeah. Like he was my hero. You want to talk about he was like my hero. Yeah. I used to go home and put on Joker paint in the mirror. What? And like, yeah, I know. And and I love the Joker. So my my kindergarten teacher was showing us all pictures from her like daughter's wedding.

And I raised my hand. I go, Mrs. Fano. Oh, and I just speech about him. And I talked real slow. And I had a southern, I go, Mrs. Fano. Oh, and I had a speech about him and I talked real slow. So, and I had a Southern Newport, Delaware accent and I went, Mrs. Fano, you look like the Joker. And dude, she kicked me out of class. I vividly remember this. In kindergarten, the helper teacher took me out

in the hallway and my parents had to pick me up and she talked to my parents and were like's your son said that I look like the Joker. And my dad laughed so hard. It was like, oh, he's kind of got a real wide smile. And back then, those like Jack Nicholson Joker. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And that was like such a compliment for me. Yeah. I was like, I love you. Yeah. That was like such a compliment for me. Yeah

Yeah, that was like my way of being like I love you miss Fano Please come to the movies when I ask you and you say no, but my parents keep What she expects you know the fucking purple blazer the yellow vest Smashing art Kill She's smashing art. Yeah. Yeah. I can't kill you. You complete me. Yeah. She reaches up like on the chalkboard,

you see like a C-section scar right there. You're like, I want to know how you got those scars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey everybody, Ian Finance here. It's me, Ian.

My debut comedy special Ian finance wild happy and free Is April 21st on YouTube comm slash beanie and pod the page you're on right now subscribe Watch it share it love it. I love you. You're gonna love it and don't I look so pretty today Oops, I have a booger. Oh, booger, eat, eat, eat. Bye. Okay. Ooh, you're not gonna like this. What?

Why? This, time to throw away that old Velcro Ghostbusters wallet. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They legit said that in the Ridge at wallet ad. Is that a slight to me or is that do a lot of people have Ghostbusters Velcro wallets? No, I think they're doing it for I think in general. Well, listen, don't throw away your old Velcro Ghostbusters wallet.

But when you need to go somewhere fancy, bring your Ridge wallet and one that can hold more than your milk money. This is all gross and weird. Time for time for Ridge wallet. It's slim and goes in the front pocket. Yeah, I got this. I don't need it. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, yeah, sorry. I need it. Hey, with over 50 colors and styles

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Why because I wear pants that are high-waisted and I was worried that it was gonna get in the way It doesn't really get in the way and actually I forget that it's even there and I have to check if it's there Which is really cool and and she's not lying. She legit burst in the way. It doesn't really get in the way. Actually, I forget that it's even there and I have to check if it's there, which is really cool. And she's not lying. She legit bursts in the apartment tonight and goes, I got my Ridge Wallet. Did you get your Ridge? I got the little key thing. I got the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the don't carry a lot around. What do I carry? Two credit cards and an ID, a little bit of cash. I don't have a big thing. I don't keep on doing this. Two zigzags and a 45.

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Yo, at the same time, I was obsessed with new kids on the block. They just hit. And that was like the thing. Everybody like them. Yeah. My older sister was into them. She had posters all over. Yeah. That was the one thing that was cool about my parents, man. That's like a gay little boy to be like, I love you. Kids on the block.

And they let me play with Barbies and go to girls' houses and play with their Barbies. And they were never like, don't do this. They were just like, yeah, you can play with them at friends' houses, but we're not going to buy them. Dude, the older I get, I like secretly resent that my dad let me do shit like that though. Really?

Cause like, he always wanted to like get me in like sports and shit. And then like the older I got, the more I got into sports, but like I fucked with like Disney channel music heavy. Like Hillary Duff was like my favorite musical artist until I was like nine years old. And you're mad your dad was OK with that? Yeah, he should have been like, oh, cut this shit out.

You're not five anymore. You don't need fucking Hillary Duff music. You need to explore that, though. You do need to explore that. Yeah, yeah, you do. Because if you say no to it, you're going to want it even more. Yeah, I think it's now I think now that's why I'm like so like Hillary Duff music still does rule, but I can't tell my boys that.

And I think it's because I like, I remember the days when I was nine. You just did. No, no, no, no one heard that. No one heard it dude. It's okay. I'm denying it all dude. Sometimes you gotta let the rain come down. And wash it away.

Dude, I'll never. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over.

I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'll have the music over. I'm gonna do it all and wash it away. Dude, I'll never. I'll let music over. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yo. Give me a little loop, give me a little loop. Give me a little loop, give me a little loop.

Yo, you gotta let your kids do gay shit, bruh. Yeah. Yeah. I went to my son at his little gay era where he was in the shit that I didn't really agree with. Yeah. And I was like, all right, I gotta let him see this all the way through. What was the gayest thing? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Cuz he he thought it was like real so he'd be walking around the house like dad I can't find my mouse tattoo Where's my mouse? I'm like, bro. That's not real. You know saying you got to cut this out. That's not gas

That's not real. You know what I'm saying? You gotta cut this out. That's not gay. That's how old you are. You're like four. You're like four or three. It's like being an imaginative child. Nah bro, I never did no shit like that. You know what I was doing when I was four?

I was boxing when I was four. That's what I was doing. I was in the ring fighting motherfuckers at four. Damn, I get it. It made you a man, but like, hey, like give the kid a paint brush or something. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta let your kid be gay a little.

I mean, I let him do it. I let him do it for a little while. Dude, I'll tell you, um, in sixth grade, so my dad died when I was eight. He was on an over thirties baseball team. And when he died, all like the over thirties baseball guys like came to the funeral, whatever. And then they tried to be like, come to a practice one day, boy, come on, you can still but I was, I just remember playing catch with the guy and we're having a catch. And in the middle of I go, I don't want to do this anymore. It was so sad. But one day after school, so one of them was an electrician and I was in sixth grade and the guy was like doing that knew my dad was doing

like electrical work in the house and the Spice Girls had just come out and I thought I was home alone and They were on the TV and it's uh, so tell me what you want, which and I'm by myself in front of the TV And dude, I will never forget this guy coming down the stairs he goes Ian don't do that again I remember I just felt such deep shame Some guy that had a connection to my father being like If you want to be my dad If you want to be my dad, I would do it like that. Yo, remember the Spice Girls lollipops? Remember the taffies?

Pause. Okay, it is a pause. Wait, why, why, why? Yo, you want us to remember suckers? No, what is it? I used to love those things. What were they? They were Spice Girl taffies.

You could buy them, yes. They looked like the Spice Girls? No, they just had like, the rappers was just like, the Spice Girls was on them. Like different Spice Girls taffies. You could buy them, yes. They looked like the Spice Girls? No, they just had like, the rappers was just like, the Spice Girls just was on them. Like different Spice Girls. They were like a scary Spice Taffy. They had a pie Spice Taffy. You probably love rap snacks too, bruh.

I do love rap snacks. You get the Master P chips. I do love rap snacks, yeah. Oh yeah. I love me some Master P chips. Some Migos Cool Ranches, bruh, you know what I mean? Oh wow. I still eat Snacks, the new ones. The ones with like Kodak Black on them and shit.

I eat those. Damn, try them. Try them. They're good, bro. Y'all don't eat Rap Snacks? When I was a kid, we had Rap Snacks, but it was like MC Hammer Snacks, Criss Cross, Bell Bib Dough.

I thought that was a new thing, you know? Yeah, they still make them. Yeah, but rap was so much more wholesome back then. Yeah, it was. It's a bit much now. Can we just be honest? I think it should end it, honestly. I think it's time to wrap it up.

There shouldn't be like 11 year old singing lyrics about, you know, like my pussy's black and my booty hole brown. I have a theory that we're at the end of music because music for a long time was like, how close can we get to talking about sex without saying it? Right. Come on, baby. Like my fire. And like, yeah, now it's like gobble it, swallow it. Yeah. Well, I'll go one further. I don't think we're at the end of music. I think we're at the end of like culture. Like we're at the end of the

line. There's no subtlety. There's no, and this is coming from a guy who's like, bro, I eat a hand, I eat my guts out the cock. So he's like, I know, I'm aware. You're part of the end. I'm part of it, but I don't like it. Yeah, so do I. I knew this day was coming. I remember I probably was maybe in seventh grade

and no, I was younger than that because it was when the last action hero came out with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I remember having a thought like, yo, whenever they put out a movie with all the action heroes in it, that's the end of the thing. That's it. And Expendables came out, bro.

And I was like, we're getting close to the end. Dude, Expendables was the start of the end. Yes, it was. It was the start of the end. I remember seeing that and being like, yo, why is there 30 good actors in this movie and this sticks? It's crazy.

You're playing everyone and it blows. And then when the genre starts to make fun of itself. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and then it's like at the end, it's like, well, where do we go from here? Yeah, like what's next? And that's what it is with rap. I feel we're like, dude, there's no like hiding it anymore. The lyrics are like, I want to gag on it. Shove it down my throat. I eat pussy.

You know, Lil R.T. The nine year old rapper. He is not that dark stuff. The lyrics are like, I wanna gag on it, shove it down my throat, I eat pussy. Do you know Lil RT? No. The nine year old rapper from what? That's dark stuff. He's not, it's honestly dark shit. He's talking about killing people and fucking bitches. He talks about fucking bitches. Like nine.

He's like, if she don't suck the dick, I say, Lil bitch get a something. Yo, who's allowing this? His dad and mommy are doing this. All the people in the video. I also think in order to curb, like there's a massive degeneracy issue going on. And again, I'm aware I've contributed to it.

I used to do it. I'm trying to get out of it. I'm aware. I know it does it. I've never been in a good place when I came from doing degeneracy. Yeah, we got it. We got it.

But no, I'm still on that. That's fine. But I'm talking about like glory holes and anonymous gay sex and meeting up at someone's apartment when they leave the door open. So I have to bring a knife. Like that kind of stuff. You're an adult. You pay taxes. Yeah. And so it I'm I'm aware and I'm trying to get away from it. But I think there's such a culture rot that's existing. Yes. And it's happening younger and younger.

And it's it's especially in like certain forms of media. It's like so encouraged. And I remember when I was a kid, there was a family that the one one of their daughters had a daughter, this little girl, and the entire family would get drunk on Sundays and make her cuss and like do bad things and everything. What? Crazy. Ah, oh, oh, say fuck, say fuck.

You know, I remember I was in six. I was like, this isn't this is this is odd. This is weird. And I my feeling of way a way to curb all this is when when a kid gets in trouble, do not take it to the courts until eventually, but the parents should be fined. Yes, or lock them up. There should be a consequence for the parents because in Baltimore they did a thing where

trap houses, drug houses, crack houses, the police stopped arresting the users and the dealers and started going after the landlords because the landlords knowingly rented these houses out Right knowing what was going on and cleaned a bunch of shit up Yeah, so if you like find the parents and give some sort of consequence because there's no consequence for kids. We've lost consequences Yeah, you can't fucking do shit with these fucking Yeah, so make the parents pay you and then the parents will fix it behind closed doors. I never thought about it. Parents are child landlords.

They are. Yeah. And everything that the kids do, they got it from their parents, Rob. Exactly. But it's hard to, because like, that's the thing is like, where do you, not everyone's supposed to be a parent. You know what I mean?

Like, we all know shitty people who are parents. So like, you can't place, I know dudes who have kids where I'm like, I wouldn't give that guy fucking any responsibility. And now he has all of the responsibility. So like, it does suck, but like, I don't know. You know what I mean? There is really no fucking.

I mean, you gotta lock the parents up. You take the kids and you put them in a fucking foster home, bruh. Well, it's a fucking cold world. And sometimes you gotta do cold ass shit to fucking make it better. Yeah. Yo, when I was in seventh grade, my friend Rob killed my friend Troy and with his dad's

gun and it's like, bruh, he said it was an accident, but it wasn't because the day before we was in school and he had a chain on with a bullet on it. And he, first of all, why you let your 12 year old son wear a chain with a bullet on it? First, why you letting your son do that? And he took the chain off and he put it up to Troy's head and he said, yo, stop fucking playing with me. That was the day before he shot him, the chain off and he put up the Troy's head. He said, yo, stop fucking playing with me. That was the day before he shot him.

They cut school and he shot him at his house. And it's like, bro, they should have locked up his dad. You were letting your son turn into a fucking G, bro. Why you always being so gangster all the time? When absolutely, when I was teaching, man, I'll never forget this 14 year old girl got kicked out because she was wearing like hot green hot pants like her ass cheeks were hanging out and they were like, yo, this is inappropriate.

So then she was like, call my mom, blah, blah, blah. So then the mom comes into the school and she's wearing hot blue with her ass hanging out and the mom is literally like, my girl's got it. Why can't she fly? Right. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's crazy. the mom is literally like, my girl's got it, why can't she fly it, fuck you, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yo, this is not okay behavior and it's encouraged and it's, you know,

in a lot of communities more than others. And it's really something that needs to be addressed but nobody wants to talk about it. No, you're right, dude. Yeah, that's true, yo. It's not our fault y'all made us this way, you're right. That's true. Yo, it's not our fault. Y'all made us this way. You know what I'm saying?

And that's an excuse people. That's an excuse people love using. No, but it's it's I don't know, man. It's it's like really scary because also like the the for a parent to not see that that is just wildly reckless and they go well she has it why can't she it's like yo that's disgusting and weird and clearly coming from another place of like abuse which exists in poor communities that is just like shrugged off oh hell yeah you're sexualized early in these places. Well you know what, also you gotta take things away.

I think like, I was looking at Ramadan, right? I'm fasting. Yesterday I was hungry as hell, thirsty as hell, right? And I'm filling up my jug of water at work, my gallon jug, and I'm just looking at this water bottle like, look at how sexy this water is. It's just, this is beautiful. Look at it.

So take away food and water from some of these people. And then start to appreciate those type of things more. And then you won't be so sexual. You won't. You won't fuck kids. Yes. If you're starving, you want food and you want water. Yeah. Like you gotta fuck it.

We got too many things now. You got video games, you got phones, you got TVs. Take away things. And no ass for a week. No ass. And you have a thing in your pocket that you can warp your narrative into putting it out into the world of like, my parents did this to me. And then you have a whole bunch of internet sleuths that are like, we need to fix this

poor, save, save the child, blah, blah, dude, this fucking Jesus Christ, man, this comic, lost her mind. She was all for medss went on a Twitter rant about like my parents are doing this this guy is sex trafficking his family has a DC connection this had the other if something happens to me no I didn't kill myself literally tweeting from a hospital killed herself and then friends and family of her were like please respect our privacy we're going through this, blah, blah. It took off, went viral, and all these people, she was a comic in New York,

and all these people on the internet, strangers, were finding her friends addresses and were like, this person spreading false information, you were never there for her, this at the end, and it turned into a whole fucking thing because everybody wanted to be loan order SVU Twitter over something that had nothing to do with them. That's fucking crazy. And like as a kid, man, if you take away their fucking PlayStation, this at the other end,

they can easily go online and be like, I'm being abused. Yeah, he's molesting me. He won't let me get on my iPhone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, wait, what? That's molestation? How'd he do that? In some what? That's molestation? I didn't know that.

In some places. That's crazy. Yeah, I caught my son watching porn when he was seven. I got on my iPhone when he was in second grade. Was it good porn at least? No, because he was just typing in titties. So it was just like titties. That's sick though.

That's like a fist bump your son over here. Was he by himself? No, he actually went to his other friends who were nine. They were older. I'll say though, that's very sick to have that happen at a young age, but that is a rite of passage with boys at like 12, 13, whatever, because like, I don't know, sharing porn or like looking like- We all did that before.

We just got to it later because it was like harder to get to. But if I could have saw it at seven, I probably would have wanted to see it again. I found the Spice Channel at eight. Damn, really? Yeah, bro. Y'all had the Spice Channel? No, no, no. It was Squigley's at my grandparents' house and we were trying to watch a Phillies game. It used to be on channel nine and I hit nine and nine again and it goes to the Spice channel and you could see like a tip for a second and and I go what's that and my grandma goes oh that's the bad channel do you know what's the bad channel so dude the next day I'm up at 5 a.m just bad channeling and I'm fucking rubbing my body on

parts of the couch I didn't even know existed. And then every day after that, I could only do homework at Grammy and Barbie's house. I just work better in the living room. I can't have anybody around. Remember when you were sneak to watch porn, you had to have the last channel set to like Cartoon Network. So you heard it when somebody came down and stepped. And the volume at the least, the one up from mute.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, I stubbed my dick that way. I think I one up from mute. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I stubbed my dick that way. I think I told you this story. Wait, wait. You stubbed your dick. What? I stubbed my dick like a toe, bro. Cause I was jerking off under the fucking,

we were at a desk. Ah! Not we, I was at a desk jerking off. And it's like when we had the family computer in the kitchen and no one was home, except my grandma lived with us, but she never fucking came out of her room. She was always upstairs. And then I was down there, And it's like when we had the family computer in the kitchen and no one was home except my grandma lived with us, but she never fucking came out of her room.

She was always upstairs. And then I was down there, downloaded a whole thing off LimeWire, this is back when LimeWire, you just save it to the desktop and you didn't even know what it was. And they could trick you. Oh yeah, it was either good porn or like the Bill Clinton speech or something.

So I was like, I did not have sexual reliance on trying to. So I have to make you work. You're like, what if he did? Imagine time. Where's mom's Lane Bryant? But I was jerking it fucking hard and I had a full, full eighth grade boner. That's when your boners are full of blood.

Yeah, it was the best one. You can cut glass. Diamond cutter boner. Yeah, but my grandma came down the stairs and I forget what she said. She's like, what are you doing or something like that? And I tried to stand up quick and like, oh, you hit your dick on the pole. Yeah, dude, right on the top of the desk. Fuck.

Well, it did like an your dick on the pole. Yeah, dude, right on the top of the desk. Fuck, man. It did like an accordion for it. A bunch of birds flew around its head. They grew another dick out your dick. God damn. Like, God damn it. Damn. Yo. Oh, they had to hurt like hell, bruh.

It was one of the worst pains I can still remember to this day. Damn. Yeah, that's horrible. And it probably opened the hole a little bit. Oh, jeez. Oh, probably it gaped it a little bit. You thought you were fucking a pussy, but it was just painted on the desk. Jesus Christ.

Like your grandma said, was she like, oh, baby. No, she was cool. She like she knew what was happening and she tried to act like she didn't. I'll give you a second. Oh, that's nice. That is my dad caught me jerking off once. And it was to act like she didn't. I'll give you a second. Oh, that's nice. That is my dad caught me jerking off once. And it was to my imagination. This is like pre cell phones and shit.

And I couldn't get to the family computer. So I was I was in my room. And for some reason, I wasn't laying on the bed. I was just laying on the floor, butt naked and just fucking dude, going to town. And, you know, like when you're in the zone, you can't hear anything. Yeah. But I'm just fucking dude going to town and you know like when you're in the zone you can't hear anything yeah dude I'm just fucking going at it am I dead that's a beautiful time too because you don't know that's weird you're just being you yeah yeah but like you were right fully bridge You're like, I'm just doing what feels best. Light as a feather, skip as a board.

You know how like, you know how when you're sleeping and someone like says something, you can hear it and then they say it again and you like wake up and you're like, oh, it was one of those where you like open the door and he's like, Drew, he like saw what I was doing. And then he even louder. I was still like, still in Valhalla. And you see it. I just heard like I was like, if someone's saying my name and then he said it again,

I was like, yeah. He was not good. He's like, your mom wants you downstairs. Seeing your son lust is rough. Yeah, I would never want to see that. Oh, my God. Did you have like the classic movie like like you're getting your dick sucked by a chick and like she pops It out your mouth. She's like drew

Like I woke up from a dream and get out Fuck that's fucking You might my buddy was jerking off over his TV like this, just like cranking it, and his dad walked in, he goes, what the hell are you doing? He's naked, he goes, I'm fixing the plane station. So that's what we called it for the rest of high school. Fixing the plane station.

I gotta fix the plane station. I gotta go fix your place station. Damn, my uncle's calling shaking the dice. I know what you were doing there, you were shaking the dice. I wasn't shaking the dice. I know what you're doing at Baff. You're shaking the dice. I wasn't shaking the dice. I never shake the dice. That's very funny.

I never would shake the dice. Yachty. We called it wrestling the bald headed champ. Oh, nice. Well, there's no subtlety there. Yeah. Yeah, a little on the nose. Wrestling the bald headed champ, and when you wrestle him a lot, he's embarrassed.

And you wonder, does this really ever make me happy? That's what we called it. Yo. It's Kurt Angle, I swear. Damn, you ever jack off too much, and you get super depressed? Like, what's wrong with me? You rip off like six in a day, you're like, damn.

Hey, Naim. Yes. Hey, Naim. Yes. Yeah. Hey, Naim. Hey, Naim. Definitely did that. Bro, you know what's funny, man? I guess when I was younger, I would, like, I remember doing that in like sixth grade.

But then, like, I always think I have a problem with jerking off because I do it. And then I don't even want to do it. Like, last night, I was like, looking forward to it coming home and then I got home. I was like, I don't even want to do this. And I think I have a problem. And I'm like, God, this and then I hear that and I'm like, whoa, I'm all right. Yeah.

And I start jacking off to sophomore year of college. What? Yeah, but he lost his virginity at like two in two kids. Who fucked you at 12? Baby sitter? No, my friend Marv's sister, Jamie, she was like 15. How did that happen? Oh, she used to always like touch me and shit. Like I never, but I was a kid. You were molested. No, she was 15, so it's not, she wasn't molesting me. You were molested. I wanted to fuck her. You got your dick sucked when you were a little baby. Now that was molestation. I got my dick sucked by my babysitter

when I was like three or four. Really? Yeah, yeah. And it's like, you definitely can't do that. Yeah, bro, I know. You can't do that? No. Yeah.

What was her? It felt good. Well. Of course. Yeah, it felt good. This, she put the whole thing in her mouth like it was nothing. It felt good. Yo, she used to suck my dick like this. She put the whole thing in her mouth like it was nothing. She used to suck my dick like this. She used to have both her fingers like this if you suck my dick like this.

Both fingers. Yeah, she used to have her fingers like this if you suck my dick. The two finger blow job. It's like a fucking rabbit in the corner of a cage. Would she make it a game like all? Yeah, it was like playing doctor or some shit. Damn, and now he can't playing doctor or some shit. Damn. And now he can't come unless someone jingles keys.

It's fucked up, man. It is fucked up to think about. But like, you know, like when dudes take the small lighter and put it next to their deck and then they send the picture like a little TV remote. Like if she recorded her sucking your deck, she's like, watch me deep throat this 12 minutes dick. Throat go. And you're just pants out and you're like, goo goo goo goo goo.

She's like, I'll do whatever I want with this thing. Good God almighty that is bleak. Yeah, bro. Holy shit. And I wasn't jacking off cause, so this kid named John, he admitted to jacking off one day and all my friends were like, yo, he fucking gay. He'd be fucking stroking his dick off.

And I'm like, damn, I'm never doing that shit. How old were you when that happened? Probably like 10 or 11. And it took you 12 more years to jerk off? Yeah, bro. To overcome that inner homophobia? Yeah. To be like, yes. Gay! I want you. Gay! to overcome that inner homophobia. Yeah. Yes.

I want to know. There is a force field around your neck. My hands are shaking. I'm waiting for the ladies to break this force field. Yeah, because nobody admitted they jacked up. I got to college. Nobody's to talk about that shit. And I was a college, everybody was talking about

beating they dick all the time. You thought you were just at the gay school? And it was just gay university? They were the first three times, I was like, yo, y'all niggas gay, bro. I'll be beating y'all dick. They were like, I ain't even, everybody beat they dick. And then when we watched porno, it was, I know for me,

it was always like, lesbian, ew, a dick is in there, gross. And now if I don't see at least seven, I ain't jaded. Brother, I feel that. Yeah. Yeah, need a penis? Yeah. It's because we were talking about Naim kind of had like arrested development with porn.

Because he was saying he- I watch lesbian porn now. And that's introductory, I think. Wow. Like in middle school, I started with lesbians and now he's going to Google boobs. Yeah, he's Googling naked boobs. He's just on YouTube typing boobies.

Not even on porn websites. And in six years, he'll discover blacked. Back in my day, blacked was called Dog Fart. Yeah dude. Dog fart rules too. Don't get me started on Dog Fart Network. Yeah. Blacks on Blondes. Oh yeah.

Bees on Bees. I just looked up Blacked yesterday actually. Really? Yeah. Good for you. I haven't been there in a while. Sometimes I like to... I haven't been there in a while?

I was in a fucking coffee shop. I've been on a net video girls. I haven't been there in a while. I'm not going to lie. I've been on a net video girls. I haven't been there in a while. I haven't been there in a while! I was in a fucking coffee shop! Yeah! I've been on a net video girls. I've been in there in a while! You're like, hey Drew's back! Drew where you been? Sunscreen on my nose like a tourist. Hey guys!

Have your hair sprayed like you went to Jamaica and you were a girl? Hey! Let me guess, Blackwood Cream? I have your hair sprayed in like you went to Jamaica and you were a girl. Let me guess black with cream. Room for cream. I'll take 10 black coffees. I would love it if the cream had a fiance. Can the cream be on vacation? I've been on Twitter porn lately. Oh, that got me in trouble one time.

Really? Because I foolishly liked what I was watching. And then my likes were viewed by the person. Yeah, everybody can see. Oh, damn. Foolish on my part. Fuck, bro. Who got you in trouble? Your lady?

But damn, yes. If I do a psychological deep dive into that, I think I don't know if I was subconsciously trying to get caught or subconsciously trying to have the person who I was liking because they were like an OnlyFans person with like very few wanting them to know. And I'm trying to exam. I've tried to examine it because I don't think I'm that dumb to be like, yeah, cool. I like it. No, go see it.

Yeah, you're sober, too. That doesn't make sense. And I'm alone in a hotel room in Minneapolis. I know what's going on. I wanted one or the other. There's chaos in your brain, dude. Oh, bro. In a bad way. Damn. Yeah, I like stuff on purpose because I want everybody to see what I'm watching. Wait, are you one of the ones that retweets porn?

Yes, I do. Everybody hates it on Twitter. Everybody's always coming at me about it, like, nah, stop retweeting porn. Bro. I'm about to block you. What about the guys that send their dick pics on porn to girls?

That's nuts. Like, quote a tweet with the picture. That's crazy. That's really crazy. Like, what even is the point of that? But I like what you do, man. Retweeting. You're giving me a few assists. You see what I'm saying tweet with the picture. That's crazy. That's really crazy. Like what even is the point of that? But I like what you did, man. Retweeting, right? You're giving me a few assists.

You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Really? Yeah. What do you retweet? I'm a connoisseur. I find nice porn and I share it. You put me on to a Janiece Hart. Janiece Hart, bro.

Janiece Hart is fantastic. Yes. Shout out Janiece Hart. A queen. A queen. And she's funny. Take it easy. What are we doing?

She's an entrepreneur. What are you trying to bite me? No, you're like a fucking comic that dates a fucking unfunny comic. You're like, nah dude, she's funny, man. She's funny. You guys just don't get it yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a good hang. Yeah, yeah. Just convincing. Yo, he has so much experience with that, you hear him? He has so much experience with that conversation. Woo, buddy! Bold-faced liar. He's got a liar in him for about six months

and he's got a liar in him. You know. Yeah, bro. I hear somebody say, baby, you weren't in the room long enough. Yeah. She's doing all new stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you weren't in the room long enough. She's doing all new stuff. You missed her opener, her opener crush. Start strong.

Good God Almighty, that's over. But she's showing up. I've had that conversation with you, honestly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bro. Yeah, no, I know. Good. I'm aware. What can you do? It mean we all get caught up. It is. Dude, I can't know. I'm aware. What can you do? It made up. We all get caught up. It is. Dude, I can't get enough of the stuff.

Yeah. I fucking love that stuff. Pussy's sick. It's the shit. I used to get I'm allergic to pussy because every time I eat it, I break out in a hard on. Definitely experience inflammation, brother. I definitely experienced inflammation brother. I get so scared going to Martin.

Do you experience inflammation when you are eating pussy? You ever get a transient global amnesia at the pussy? What? Proven and Wobbity. No it's a thing. You ever get a shot of new Jim and Garth. Every music. Yo, what did I tell you about talking jive on podcasts?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all be getting slim and slim, slip, slough. He said a transient, ambient, global. Transient, global, amnesia. It's when you bust so hard that like, you lose all your faculties. You start drooling and shit, your eyes water water you forget everything

That's when you come so hard your employees quit Wait what? Do you work for a trans global corporation? It's just like a shipping factory. I thought I knew these guys. He's so dumb, dude. He's playing 4D chess, bruh. We had to catch up. Yeah, Bobby. God damn.

Yo, so wait. I've, I, sometimes after sex, I'll hear a ringing in my ear. Yes, that's part of it. That's the beginning of it. That's wedding bells. Yeah, that's the beginning of it. I fall in love every time. Yes, that's part of it. That's wedding bells. Yeah, that's the beginning of every time. The next level of that is like you cry your eyes water.

Fuck it. I've been with a crier. Yeah, it was after after after sex. Beginning middle. No, no, but but like that the aftershocks of the orgasm and then it's like, oh, yeah, that's a lady thing. Holding each other, that's hot. That is hot, I like that. Cry-maxing is beautiful, but it is.

Yeah. I hope to do it with another person one day. Yeah. I'm just gonna. Steven Tyler got me on the cry-maxing, dude. There's an interview with him in Oprah and he's talking about cry-maxing. What, really?

I mean, dude, he wrote, don't wanna miss a thing. Yeah, he also wrote dude looks like a lady Yo That was so many dudes in the 80s. Right? Vince Neil I don't think I'm not the crew Yeah, there was a diss track. Damn, I don't know that. That's crazy. Dude looks like a, that is a good diss.

That's a great diss. Just pointing some guy. Dude looks like a lady. This used to be so much better, cause now it's all like threatening gun violence, but if you're just like, you look like a chick. You look like a girl, bro. It's so much better.

That's crazy. And fucking Neil Young and Leonard Skinner had a little diss thing. Really? Yeah, Sweet Home Alabama was a diss to Neil Young and then Neil Young dissed Leonard Skinner and Southern Man. Damn.

Did any of these guys ever like shoot and kill each other outside of a club or something? No, they were white. I, you know, John Lennon had, and Paul McCartney had incredible diss tracks on each other after the Beatles disbanded. I did hear that. Yeah, John Lennon has a song called

How Do You Sleep At Night? That is just vicious towards Paul McCartney. Whoa. Like, all right, here, yo, I gotta look this up because you gotta hear this. Yeah, I wanna hear this. I mean, you know about Paul McCartney. Like, all right, here, yo, I gotta look this up because you gotta hear this. Yeah, I wanna hear this. I mean, you know about Paul McCartney and the Beatles and like, remember the rumor that Paul McCartney died

and all that stuff? Okay, ready? And there's also one called Steel and Glass, but there's a documentary about John Lennon and when he's singing, and the cool thing is George Harrison played guitar on both guys' distraps. Oh, he was playing both sides.

Well, no, George Harrison was like the homie. He was like, you guys have your thing, but I just love playing guitar and I'm friends with you guys. And it wasn't that deep. It was just them a way to get each other out of it, you know? How do you swing it? Apparently, George Harrison's like the coolest dude alive. Or he's dead.

Yeah. Yeah. The coolest dude in the game, bro. I think a lot of Fleetwood Mac songs were that. Yeah. It was like they were just going back and forth because I think they were dating at one point. I don't know, Foster told me this.

All right, ready? There were nine ladies singing were dating and then they just hated each other. They started dissing each other? Yeah, but the songs were so good they just kept putting them out. Oh, that's the shit. The rest of the band was like, the shit rules.

Yeah. And they just kept making songs about how like, like Stevie Nicks was making songs about how he cheated on her and like. What? He was making songs about how he didn't give a fuck. Yeah. They just kept making songs about how like like Stevie Nicks was making songs about how he cheated on her and like what he was making. He didn't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Ready? So Sergeant Pepper took you by surprise. You better see right through that mother's eyes. Those freaks was right when they said you was dead. The one mistake you made was in your head. How do you sleep? How do you sleep at night? Right. Ready? You live with straight to tell you you was king.

Jump when your mama tell you anything. The only thing you done was yesterday. And since you're since you've gone, you're just another day. Because Paul McCartney wrote yesterday, he goes, a pretty face may last a year or two, but pretty soon they'll see what you can do. The sound you make is music to my ears. You must have learned something in all those years. How do you sleep? How do you sleep? And it's got a little jive to it. Dude, the only thing you did was yesterday. And now that you've gone, you're just another day. Are you kidding me? That's my yellowine, dude? But, well.

Do they not remember the Yellow Submarine? What was that, man? Ringo's song. Oh, was it really? Ringo's just an alcoholic. He's like, I just wish we'd get back together, man. You know? But yeah, I mean, isn't that gnarly?

Yeah. Yeah. I like when groups break up and do shit like that, start dissing each other. Yeah? That's when you get the best art. I don't know, man. Well, yeah.

Nothing will motivate you like hate. Yes. You know? True. Yeah. Let the fire in my eyes light the way for me. Let the bridges that I burn take out my enemies. Eat down concrete soldier, shout out.

Yeah, bro. Yes, hate is motivation. I've been, me and my girl been going at it lately because she said I haven't grown at all in comedy in five years. Which is a lot. I've been doing comedy for five years. Who is this? I should. You're right. Call her now. I should. I should. We're BP pals. We don't let people talk about us that way. It's crazy. Haven't grown at all. Yeah, I did break up with her.

But haven't grown at all in five years. I've only been doing comedy for five years. Wait, let's redo the high fives. That was, okay, good. That was good. That was a better one. Dude, if you're arguing with your girl and having Ian call her to do the breakup

would be the funniest one. That would be funniest shit. Hey lady, he doesn't like you. Right. Hello. I've got a bone to pick with you, Miss Naim. Miss Naim. Miss Naim.

Yeah, bruh. And that has motivated me. Her saying that, I'm doing way more now. Good. Yeah, I'm like, let's go. Good. Fuck that. Yeah, he's making clips at like 5 a.m. and stuff like that.

Oh, God. He's like Rocky running through the streets just editing though. Da da da da da da da da. The clickbait. The cover. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da He running through the streets just editing them. Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, click bait. Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, heckler destroyed in front of wife. This guy's from where? Dan, that's so crazy to be slated by your lady and learn DaVinci resolve. You know what? I'll show her Adobe assemble. Yo, Adobe assemble. Yo, and they've been asking me for help for like the last three years.

Like, he just like, make a clip sometime. Maybe once a month. I'm like, oh yeah, I got y'all. Never did it. Now he's like posting them before the algorithm's even awake. Well, yo, slow down, brother. Yo, Drew did text me the other day like, yo, we gotta figure out what to do. Like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, oh yeah, I got y'all. Never did it. Now he's like posting them before the algorithm's even awake.

Like, yo, slow down, brother. Yo, Drew did text me the other day like, yo, we got to figure out like the time and when you post these things, bro. You're posting clips at 5 AM. What's up? I'm sorry. I remember getting clips to collab from you guys at like 3

27 AM. I'm sorry. I'm like, are they in California? What the fuck is happening? I guess the boys went to Australia for a trip. Yo, we're going to wrap up. You guys are the fucking best. Thanks. Tell everyone where to find you, what to do.

You saw me love them. Support these guys. See them on the road. I don't know if you guys are still doing two off the top, but it's the best fucking show. You've had me a bunch. I'm so grateful for it. Tell them what to do, everybody. Well, thank you for having us. Anytime. I love you bunch. I'm so grateful for it. Tell him, tell him what to do, everybody. Well, thank you for having us. Anytime. I love you guys.

I really love you, dude. Thank you. Thank you for having us on. This was the best. Yeah. Patreon.com slash do rag in the deer tag. Get on the page. And then we're in Jackson, Mississippi, April 12th and 13. Apparently it's not Jackson. Somewhere. We're in Mississippi.

We're in Mississippi somewhere. I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson. Somewhere in, we're in Mississippi. We're in Mississippi somewhere. Hey, hey, I'm sorry, Miss Jackson. Woo! Woo! Woo! I'm making ribs. Yeah, Bobby! Woo!

Hell yeah, it's in the home, Bobby. Hell yeah, bro. Yeah, that's all we got. Patreon.com slash duragandthedeertag. Yes! Check out duragandthedeertag. Yes! You can follow me on Instagram at The Attention Horse.

Yes. Yes, DRU underscore Montana. And that's Naim two underscore Ali. Check out Duregan the Deer Tag. Check out Ayo Actually. Check out The Ramble with Naim Ali. We got some shows coming up. Please buy tickets, come to all of our shit.

Yes. We have fun, you know? Yes. Can I plug this as well? I'm going to be with Tim Butterly in Connecticut, the March 28th. Oh, that's the best. Yes. And then Boston, the 29th.

I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Go see these guys, support them. They're the best. EFI dance dot com for all my dates. Creek in the Cave, April 5th and 6th down in Austin. And headline Hollywood Improv Labs, May 5th in Netflix is a Joke Fest. Come on out. Packing that out. It's going to be really fun. And patreon.com slash beanie and pod, punch up live.com slash Jordan Jensen for all her dates. And we love you guys. Thanks for tuning in. Everybody pick up an instrument and play it. And here, do you want this?

Yes. And I'll do the show far. And let's fucking get out of here. One, two, three. Bye!