Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Nicole Does Not Want a Monkey Baby?!

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

What is a Humanzee? This week, Nicole and Sasheer find out how scientists actually tried to create a half human half chimpanzee hybrid and explore the age old hypothetical question, can humans have sex with gorillas? Plus, Sasheer can’t get some sleep, the Air Bud franchise is super expansive, Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America, and Nicole is clear that she does not want a monkey baby. Also, we take listener letters asking us if running around your house is weird.   Humanzee:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanzee Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions/ “Is this weird” suggestion at: [e-mail] Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/friends and code FRIENDS.

Hey friends, we are back with a live show in Los Angeles. We're going to be at the Largo at the Coronet Monday, June 19th. It's our live show. It's our first live show in a while and we are so excited to be together and to be with you. Come bring your best friend. Bring multiple best friends. Bring your friendship questions and be ready to have a lot of fun. Tickets are available at Largo dash L.A. dot com or for Monday, June 19th.

See you there. See you there. dot com or for Monday, June 19th. See you there. People be like, they're sick. They're not well. Maybe we should go and check up on them. Yes. Hello, Sashir. Hi, Nicole. I woke up naked today.

And is that okay? No, it's not okay. I don't sleep naked. That's not my jam. It's not what I do. But I went out last night and I had a really nice time. And we did these shots called gummy shots. I don't know. It was tequila, a lime, and then a shark gummy. Like a sugary gummy. I don't know. It was really tasty. We did too many. And I got home and I was like, get to bed. But then I ate some lasagna and then I got to bed because it was Friday. And then I got to bed and then I woke up at 6 a.m. fully naked on top of my covers. I don't know who she is. So you weren't even covered by the sheets? by the sheets no just naked airing out my puss and like if a fire happened like i don't i would have been naked

you would yes you would have been naked if a fire happened or if anything else firefighters they would have been like you're so naked and they been like, I don't know if I can save you. You're naked. But don't you think you would have maybe like shot up and like got a robe or something or at least taken the covers underneath you and wrapped around yourself? I don't have a robe. What am I? You don't have a robe? I don't have robes.

Why not? You should get robes. When would I ever wear a robe? Like when I get out of the shower and I'm like, let me sit in a robe for a minute. That is precisely when you would do it. That's exactly what you would do. You get out of the shower. And if you're like not ready to get dressed, but just need to like putz about your house,

wear a robe. No, I'm not. I'm not Hugh Hefner. That's his thing. And he's gone. So I can't have a robe. Sorry about it. I don't think Hugh Hefner owns robes.

I guess he did wear a lot of them outside, but a lot of people wear robes. That was like his whole thing. Loafers in a robe and blonde women. Next, you're going to tell me to walk around with blonde women. I'm not Hugh Hefner, Saoirse. You know what? Why not?

And why not? Everything about that? Why aren't you Hugh Hefner? Why aren't I Hugh Hefner why aren't I Hugh Hefner that's a great question I could be Hugh Hefner because he's like all dead and stuff and I could just take over and just be more ethical because he did some bad stuff yeah I'll treat my women well. See, there you go. There we go. What have you been doing? Not sleeping.

I don't know what's going on. I tried to sleep last night. Well, I was so tired yesterday. And I went to bed like 9 p.m. And I was like, this might be bad because I wake up at like in the middle of the night. And I did. I woke up at 1 a.m. and then couldn't get back to sleep. And then I started hearing little scratchy sounds in the house.

And I it was probably nothing because it was also raining outside. But I'd never know. Because I think I had like PCSD from the rodents that were in my house. So now I think everything's a mouse or something. Or an intruder or something that's not supposed to be there. So I was just listening for hours. Oh no. I'm sorry.

Yeah. And I tried to take a nap before this, and I couldn't. I was just laying there. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It sucks when you can't sleep. I know. Because sleep is so important.

And then people have been like, what do you do when you can't sleep? And I'm like, are people doing things? I don't have a routine. I don't do a thing when I can't sleep. I take Ambien. I don't have a routine I don't do a thing when I can't sleep I take Ambien I don't have that oh you should get some is it a prescription or did you just go to the drugstore

when we went to Mexico I got Ambien because I have such a hard time sleeping I got it right over the counter I got a bunch I think it's 10 milligrams. I got it right over the counter. I got a bunch. I think it's 10 milligrams, but I can take five and go right to sleep. And it's nice.

And it is a dead sleep. You are gone. Your soul leaves your body. And then when your soul comes back to your body, you are well rested. But I will say, if you take it,

you got to go right to sleep so you don't do bad things. Like, sometimes you'll like, I don't know, like, not like ambient walk, but like you'll do, you'll like walk and do things and not remember it. So just like, sleep long? Yeah, kind of. Have you done that? Once. The first time I took it, I took one and then I woke up and I don't remember this and I took another one. So then the next day I was a little zombie and my eyes were going in different directions. Good times. But yeah, I only take it if I've had trouble sleeping for like two nights in a row and then the third night i'm like i am so fucking tired i'll take it at like 10 and yeah if i'm

having trouble sleeping past 10 i'm like well that's can't fuck up tomorrow so i just struggle maybe i should get something i don't know i maybe I think that might be good. I wonder if there's things weighing on your heart as well. What a weird way to say. Yeah, I wonder if there's just you have a heavy heart and things going on. Well, it doesn't feel that way. So I don't know. Because sometimes in therapy, things will get revealed and I'll go, oh my God. And then I'll sleep a little bit better.

Yeah. I don't know. I can't actively think of what could be weighing on my heart right now, but I have therapy in a week. Maybe I'll sleep after that. in a week. Maybe I'll sleep after that. Yeah! Wait, you have therapy on Saturday? Sunday. Sunday? That's wild. Have you ever seen the video

of a man and another man and they're at brunch and he goes, hey, what's Saturdays for? And he goes, Sunday, fun day. And he's like, no, Saturdays. And he goes, Saturday. And then he goes, no, what are Saturdays for? And he goes, Sunday, fun day. And he's like, no, Saturdays. And he goes, Saturday. And then he goes, no, what are Saturdays for? And he goes, Saturday. I think I've heard that audio, but I've never seen the actual video.

It's so funny. And I keep running across it on the internet and I just, gee. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Okay, you said that you're not coming back the day you said you were coming back, which is really upsetting because it feels like you're never coming back. I know.

It does feel that way. Lord, Lord, Lord. Oh, here's an update with pole dancing. I know it was burning in your heart and you needed to know. And you were like, what's happening with Nicole's pole dancing? That's what's weighing on my heart. That's what's keeping me up at night. I inverted. Yes!

But not from standing. Okay. This lady on Instagram was like, here's how you invert if you can't do it standing. So I get into like a little backbend situation and then do it. And I did it by myself without an exercise ball under me. And then I couldn't get my butt up enough

to like actually hang there, but I did it and I was proud of myself. Okay. So you do a back bend. Where's the pole? The pole is here, uh, underneath my armpit. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I see. It's almost like starting in the middle of the invert, but I'm not air bound. No, that's not

air, air, airbound. What's it called when you're in the air? Suspended. I'm not suspended in the air. Airbound didn't sound wrong to me. It didn't sound wrong to me though. I think it was though. Is it airborne? Yeah. Airborne or suspended in the air. But I think airborne is what I was trying was, though. Is it airborne? Yeah, airborne or suspended in the air. But I think airborne is what I was trying to go for. Yeah.

Bound for the air. I'm bound for the air. Airbound reminds me like Air Bud. Isn't it funny that a movie got made about a dog that plays basketball and we all said, yes. Yeah, I still need to watch it. Feel like it's very funny, but I don't really remember. Is it even supposed to be funny or is it like a like heartfelt kids movie? Oh, maybe it's that.

I don't fucking remember this year. Maybe I have to watch it, too. We should watch it. I feel like Air remember this year. Maybe I have to watch it too. We should watch it. I feel like Air Bud wouldn't get made now. I mean, why not? People love animals. I know, but the pitch is like

a golden retriever plays basketball really well. I think people would be like, no, let's make more Harry Potters. Yeah, we are in a phase of remakes as opposed to new original. Whoa! There's a lot of Air Buds. Air Bud.

Air Bud Golden Receiver. Air Bud World Pup. Air Bud Seventh Inning Fetch. Air Bud Spikes Back. Air Buddies. Snow Buddies. Space Buddies. Santa Buddies. Spooky Buddies. Treasure. Snow buddies. Space buddies. Santa buddies.

Spooky buddies. Treasure buddies. Super buddies. I think I gotta see spooky buddies. I think that's the one I gotta see. A bunch of spooky dogs. I also like that they were like, we're not doing sports anymore.

No, we ran out of all the sports, and now they're just like a lot of dogs. But they didn't. What about air, air bud volleyball, air bud hockey, air bud pickleball, the fastest growing sport in America.

Do you know this for a fact? Why did you say that? I feel like somebody said that to me. I feel like someone said pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America. Jordan, can you look it up? Please don't let me be wrong. I will be so embarrassed. I do feel like I've seen pickleball all over the place.

And I don't understand it. Because it's the fastest growing sport in America wow this is as of April 10th 2023 pickleball is America's fastest growing sport how did I know that it's incredible what I know and don't know also how'd you know to phrase it like that i'm being paid by big pickle yes feels like an ad are you going to play america's fastest growing sport yeah i'm gonna deal with big pickleball to uh to spread the word.

Seems like they don't need the help. No, they don't. It's going great. Did I tell you I painted the ceiling of my living room watermelon? No. I painted the ceiling a luscious watermelon color. Now, are we talking about the inside of the watermelon or the outside? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Who has ever said and referenced the outside of a watermelon as a color that's just green what's wrong with you i've never that's like referencing the rind of a watermelon and being like it's off-white. What? I also just got disproportionately angry with you. Yeah, I didn't think it was like that. I thought, because I guess, yeah, it is green on the outside, but it's also got like lighter green waves. So maybe you painted it like a watermelon and it had like green squigglies on the ceiling. You think I painted green squigglies on my ceiling?

I wouldn't put it past you. You're sitting in front of black and white squigglies right now. That is absolutely correct, friend. But no, I did not paint green squigglies on the ceiling. Also, the inside of a watermelon is just pink. Why wouldn't you just say pink? Or like anything else that's pink? Because if I just said pink, you would think pig pink.

Why? How do you know what I would think when you say pink? Why do you think I would reference a pink? Why wouldn't I reference a flamingo? Or a tongue? Or a... I don't... Tongue pink.

If someone's like, oh, I paint my room tongue pink. Ew, you did? Imagine going to Home Depot and sticking out your tongue and being like, this is the color I want. I really love this color. I love my tongue. I want this. This is a good color.

There's many pinks. That's all I'm saying. Yes, but watermelon is like a specific kind of pink. I guess. It's more reddish. Yeah, or orangey red. So so mine the picture with the watermelon it's the second one in uh number f three five six five and nine from what brand what i mean i don't know okay i have no idea what brand that is, but that's the closest color that the ceiling is. Is your chandelier still pink?

Oh, yeah, baby. Watermelon? No, no, that's hot pink, friend. I'm going to need you to get on board with colors. I guess I have no shit shit about colors it's okay i forgive you but yeah that's that's what's going on i've been painting also i bought a from wayfarer very cheap um a shoe a shoe closet a shoe a shoe a shoe by the door put them away guy do you know what i mean i'm not a shoe organizer yeah but it's got doors and stuff cabinet a shoe yes a shoe cabinet

and then i bought a drop cloth paint primer sand, because I visited mommyblogdiy.com and she said, you can paint laminate furniture or like Ikea like furniture. And I said, you can mommy? And she said, yeah, read more. So I read more and then I bought all the supplies I needed and I'm going to DIY, Sashir. Oh, my goodness. So, wait, what piece of furniture are you sanding and painting? Sashir, the shoe cabinet. Oh, I see.

I didn't realize there was something in the shoe cabinet. Yeah, the shoe cabinet. I thought we moved on to a different piece of furniture what no what color are you gonna paint it magenta everything's just kind of in the same color family but this one's like more plummy it's like a plummy magenta. Okay. Great. Yeah. I'm really excited. I'm making my place real fucking colorful.

I'm smiling all the time. Oh, good. That's good. But I need a job. I got to get out of here. I keep finding things to do. I got to go. Yeah, you're sanding a shoe cabinet.

Yes. Who would ever thought my life would turn into this? Go to MommyDIY.com and sanding things down. Lord Jesus. I commend you. I feel like I wouldn't have the patience to do that. I don't know if I'm gonna have the patience to do it. Yeah.

I bought all this stuff. Who knows if I'm actually gonna do it, do you know? Oh, Lord. I hope I have not set myself up for failure with a task I cannot accomplish. Well, if you can't finish it, you just have someone else do it.

Yes, yes, queen, yes. Outsource the work. Hire somebody else. Watch them do it and say you're doing it wrong. Yeah, don't do it wrong yourself. Tell someone else I'm doing it wrong. I also bought, to go behind my pole, I wanted to make it pretty and stuff, so I felt good about pulling in my in like in my little office space so I bought these 3d flowers oh it's like they're squares and they like have fake flowers attached to like a trellis on the back and they're more expensive than I wanted them to be because they're from Amazon but all of the flowers keep falling off. And then the

instructions literally say, if the flowers fall off, you better just hot glue them back on. And I said, those are your what? You shouldn't have instructions to tell me when they fall off. They shouldn't be falling off. Also, for all that, you could have just gotten a piece of wood and fake flowers from

Michael's and just hot glued them on yourself. Fuck. I mean, yeah because like it doesn't it probably would have been cheaper if they're gonna fall off anyway and you guys to glue them on in my life this is the worst day of my life i can't believe i went and bought a hot glue gun i was like i'm gonna have to fix my went and bought a hot glue gun. I was like, I'm going to have to fix my wall. I bought a hot glue gun to fix my wall. And I could have just hot glued flowers to the thing myself. This is devastating, Sasheer.

This is pretty upsetting. I'm sorry. But, you know, maybe they won't fall. Maybe they won't fall at all. And you won't even need to use a hugger gun. As I've assembled them, they've been falling. And I've just been soldiering on, just carrying on and doing it. You saw flamingos the other day.

I did. Yes, I went to the Cincinnati Zoo. And I'm really jealous. It was like little fanfare. It was actually pretty hard to find where the flamingos were. It was like, I rounded a corner and I was like, oh, here they are. And they were just chilling. One of them had their legs up in a way that looked like he didn't know how to tuck it under his body. Like he was like, oh no, like he like, like was a fake flamingo. He's like, yeah, we all do it like this. like oh no like he like like was a fake flamingo he's like yeah we

all do it like this right and it's like kind of out to the side and i was like what's that one doing it was too tall too it was too it was a stork it was like oh yeah i fucking belong here don't worry about me i'm a fucking flamingo god that's so funny. My friend Madeline went to the San Diego Zoo, and she said that a man was showing the gorillas YouTube videos. And when the videos would stop, and one of the gorillas made a seat, like gathered things and made a seat to watch the YouTube videos. And then when the videos stopped,

he would bang the floor to be like, more videos. And then I was like, that's cool. She was like, no, no, they're like imprisoned. And then you bring them this thing and then you take it away for however long. And I was like, oh, I see how that's bad. But if I was going to do that, I would show them videos of how to escape.

I would go every day and show them the same videos on how to escape a zoo. Until they learn. Until they learned. And until San Diego is overrun by gorillas. Yeah, we saw the gorilla exhibit in Cincinnati. And like, it is strange how human like they are. I mean, they're 98% human DNA.

It's what? They have like 98%. Yeah. 2% is like hairy, hairy hairy animal that's it yeah we're two percent away from being hairy hairy animals yeah oh my goodness what does that even mean wait i don't fuck a gorilla i mean not ethically i know ethically i couldn't like i understand that and i'm not trying to and it's not like anything i really want to do you got there so fast it took you like not even a full breath to get to can i fuck it

be okay because like they they can learn sign language so they can consent so could i fuck a girl oh my god i don't want to and i don't think it's right i guess i i don't know what their anatomy is like i guess it's i don't know what their anatomy is like. I guess it's, I don't know how similar it is to humans. But I guess you could. I don't. And then do you think my half gorilla, half human baby would skew more gorilla or more human? Do you think the 90, do you think the two percent will come through when i have a little gorilla baby maybe just be like like a hairy person that's an extra hairy person with really rough palms can you look up if there's any half gorilla people i'm so scared

that what my company is gonna to think of my Google searches. I'm going to have to go incognito. Give me a second. Okay. Oh, my God. I interrupted you, Sasho. You were telling me something about the gorillas. Oh, like, there was one that was standing and its eyes were darting around.

It just looked very human-like. It was just like, kind of like, what are you looking at and i was like i guess you sorry it just looks like they look like they're too aware of what's happening but maybe they're not pretty wild i don't know but maybe they are maybe it was darting its eyes around being like who's coming in here? Yeah. Or maybe they were trying to, like, escape. Oh, yeah. They were, like, eyeing the surroundings to see which is the best escape route. I don't know.

Mm-hmm. A monkey seems like such a treat of a pet. But then remember that lady who had her whole ass face ripped off by a monkey? I do. That's wild. What kind of monkey was that? Was it a orangutan?

Those are really strong. And those are actually closer to humans than gorillas. Interesting. Well, I think I would want a spider monkey because they're cute and tiny. Oh my God. Imagine a little monkey riding Clyde around. That would be very cute. Yes yes I want nothing more now hmm um Jordan did you find anything on half monkeys so yeah and it's it's kind of weird um

yeah and so one the woman yeah it was a chimpanzee, just like Judith said. Oh, I see. Because I think, I don't know the full, there's a realm of monkeys. And I believe that chimpanzees are the closest to humans? So in 2019, unconfirmed reports surfaced that a team of researchers led by a professor, I'm not going to say their name, from the Salk Institute

for Biological Studies in the U.S. successfully produced the first human monkey chimera. Chimera? Chimera? Chimera? I think there's a plethora. C-H-I-M-E-R-A. chimera, chimera, chimera, there's a plethora, C-H-I-M-E-R-A.

The professor and others had previously produced pig and sheep embryos containing a small percentage of human cells. As with those embryos, the human monkey chimeras, chimeras, however you say it,

were reportedly only allowed to develop for a few weeks. Although the development was stopped prior to the formation of the nervous system or organs avoiding more severe ethical concerns the research was reportedly carried out in china to avoid legal issues whoa like what due to the much larger evolutionary distance between humans and monkeys versus humans and chimpanzees it is considered unlikely that true human monkey hybrids could be brought to term however it is feasible that human compatible organs for transplantation could be grown in these chimeras

chimeras however you say that word oh interesting i was wondering like why the hell did they do this but it was to create more organs for people who need it i think so yeah and i think the ethical thing is like well what if it starts to like fully formed like a fully formed thing that's like hello what was I built in a lab? And then you're like, give me your liver. Oh, my God. But if anyone wants to read more about these, there's a wiki page called Humanese. Humanze.

Humanze. Yeah, Humanze. Sorry, I can't say any words. Humanze. And there's a bunch of articles like even the um the paragraph above this one saying that in the 1980s there was reports of experiments in human chimpanzees crossbreeding conducted in china in 67 damn china lets anything go yeah they say come on over come on over baby you can do whatever you want A chimpanzee female had been impregnated with human sperm.

According to this account, the experiment was cut short by the cultural revolution with the responsible scientists sent off to farm labor and the three-month pregnant chimpanzee dying from neglect. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Wow. my god oh no uh they're wow it just keeps sounding like they are doing it and then they're like oh we're scared we can't we gotta stop this we have to stop this production like i mean for good reasons i think because does she consent does she sign that she wanted human sperm probably not i don't think you should shoot anybody up with any seed of a man without asking for consent first. Mm-hmm.

Also, who was this man who was like, yeah, I'll give the sperm for a female that guy? Yeah, I'll have a half chimp. Yeah, he's a real freak. have a half chimp yeah he's a real freak well there's that one doctor who impregnated a whole town of women who were trying to get pregnant what is it called the father or something there's like a documentary about it yeah oh yeah there is also an ob-gyn i think that's what they're called when they deliver babies who would like when he stitched women up for a c-section would carve his initials on their stomachs ew isn't that fucking sick that's awful yeah wild but then also does that mean everybody in that town looked alike

like the scar or no no so sorry i jump back to that doctor who's impregnating everybody oh dr donald thank you judith you're fast on this you know everything dr donald klein i guess good looking probably not and i guess everyone probably just a little similar oh he's not cute at all no i would be so mad if my baby came out looking like this egghead motherfucker he's nasty he's like santa claus i hate him so weird why and why did he he did this because women couldn't get pregnant and well they were they weren't getting pregnant, and so they came to get, I guess, just other sperm. But they didn't think it was his sperm. Oh.

Weird. What a fucking weirdo. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Should we take a quiz or should we help people?

Maybe help people. Let's help some people out in the world who need a little help and guidance. Okay, now where's your verse this year? Oh. Helping people, the people need help, so let's help the people with help that was good i liked it the repetition to help was helpful i just really wanted to drive home to help oh my god summer is here in la let me tell you before we help people the children are playing i hear them splashing in the pool and screaming. I'm like, keep your fun to your fucking selves.

You sound jealous. You're in your own yard. You should splash around if you want to. Oh, my God. And be happy like them? Yeah, right. Maybe I am jealous. Jealous that children have such a freedom and no responsibility and not a care in the world. They just have to go to school, come home, watch TV. I don't know. What do children do?

Did I tell you one of the last interactions I had with like a teen? I was like, hi, how are you? And they're like, good. And I was like, so what do you like go to school? And all of the other adults were like, Nicole. Of course they go to school. Yeah. That kid goes to school.

What's wrong with you? I don't know. The teens are scary. Do you still want to have a child with a chimp? I mean don't do that jordan i've never said that i never said that i never said i wanted to have a monkey baby i was just asking if you could i don't want it i don't want a monkey baby it really seemed like you wanted it yeah i don't want a monkey baby no no if i were to have a child i would have a human child i don't want a monkey baby. No. No, if I were to have a child, I would have a human child. I don't want a monkey baby. I wouldn't know how to raise a monkey baby. I don't know how to climb a tree.

I don't like bananas. I couldn't. We would have nothing in common. Jordan, did you find information on how Nicole can have a monkey baby? No, I don't want a monkey baby. Please. It's not monkey baby no I don't her dream baby please it's not my dream I don't want it um I do like the words in my mouth what I like the reasons you can't climb a tree and you don't like bananas yeah those are the only reasons why imagine your monkey baby is like come on mama let's get in this tree and I'm like i can't i don't climb trees and i'm like mama can you have bananas with me and i'm like i don't fucking like

bananas little monkey baby and the monkey baby would be so sad and then i would name it monkey baby and that's not nice yeah you don't want to monkey It really dehumanizes this child. Yeah, it's not nice. And then do I like put monkey baby in clothes? Or does the hair cover? Like my dog doesn't wear clothes. I mean, you did say in one episode that if you were to have a baby, you would have that baby in a full tux every day. Yes, Deuteronomy.

I remember. And I just said to someone the other day, I was like, I think all children should wear power suits to school so they can learn how to take up space. And I kind of like really stand by it. I think it's a really funny idea. That's very funny. If I were to ever become a teacher, I would just have little power, like blazers for the kids to wear. And they could march around and be like, I'm in charge of this classroom today and then i would teach them i don't know uh uh how to lean in off off yeah how to lean in off curriculum stuff off book going rogue wait did you read lean in i did not I had never heard of it. Also, I don't think the book is called Lean In. I think it's called something else and that Lean In is a part of it, right? Or is the book called Lean In? I don't know. I don't know either, but you're supposed to like lean in to talk or something,

right? I think, yeah. I don't know if you have to physically lean in, but I think the intention of leaning in, like, yeah, taking up space or putting your energy forward as opposed to receding inward. I get it. Oh. You lean in and go, I have something to say! And everyone's like,

oh, here we go again. Oh, she's leaning in again. Nicole's fucking annoying. She's leaning in. In my face. again oh she's leaning again fucking annoying she's leaning in my face since this conversation is uh already interesting uh do we want to do the like is this weird questions wait jordan i need to hear what you found did you find something on chimpanzees and and and no just from that just from

that wiki that's the only information i could oh i thought you had more information on how nicole could actually have a baby listen i do not want a monkey baby i don't i don't i was just it was a hypothetical like what if could you i don't want a monkey baby. You are not the only person who has had that question before. So. I wonder if there's anyone in a relationship with a monkey right now who like goes to the zoo and they're like, hey, Charles. Probably. Probably. Because there was a lady who I think she was married to the Empire State Building.

Yeah. There's people who've been married to inanimate objects, which is really interesting to me. Because I love doors, but I don't think I'd marry one. Yeah. You wouldn't want it to be like... I feel like it would be hard to be married to a door. Yeah. A door can't cook me dinner.

And then you're going to get jealous if other people are handling it oh I couldn't imagine no oh my god no thank you um I do write things down in your notes app yeah so do I and I was going through it because I have so many notes that I'm like oh I wrote this down two ten years ago and never looked at it. And I was going through it because I have so many notes that I'm like, oh, I wrote this down to 10 years ago and never looked at it again. So I was cleaning it up. And then I found an address and all it says is big fruit. So I don't know if it's big fruit to eat or just like a display of big fruit that I got excited about. And I wanted to go back and see the big fruit. I think I have to go to that address and see what the big fruit's about. That's a fun mystery. I want to guess that maybe there was furniture that looked like fruit.

Maybe. But maybe there was big fruit to eat. I think it's probably furniture or like a fruit statue or something. But yeah. I gotta go see it. Let's do this. Is it weird? Hell yeah, dude.

Is this weird? How do we describe this? People write in and you just say what i'm saying uh-huh yeah is that weird no like do they do a thing and they want to know is it weird that they do the thing or is it common basically okay this person wrote in and said hi there my name is a name i will say your name and i'm from new zealand i'm not sure that changes anything one weird does you should probably read this in a new zealand accent i don't know i don't even know how to do that uh

do you i don't think so one weird thing is that i do one weird thing that I do is I run every day in my house, not on a treadmill. Wait, this is very funny. You can read it normally. One weird thing that I do is that I run every day in my house, not on a treadmill. I run back and forth in my apartment, which is not very large. I run five to seven kilometers, roughly three to four miles a day. And then every Wednesday, I run 10 kilometers, six miles. Whenever I bring this out to other people, they look at me like I'm insane. It brings me a lot of joy. I'll light a candle, make myself coffee, put on the TV. That's how I watch a lot of TV. It makes me feel productive, happy, and healthy. Last year, I ran a charity run and raised almost $1,000. People asked me if I would ever run

outside, and I say, no. That's where people are. I love not being watched, but still being active and fit. This is weird, but also not weird, because I used to do that. When I lived in New York, I had a long hallway, and I was like, I don't want to go to Planet Oh. When I lived in New York, I had a long hallway. And I was like, I don't want to go to Planet Fitness anymore. I hate Planet Fitness. They're stealing my money. So I started running up and down my hallway like 15 times. And I lost like a little bit of weight.

And it was like fun. Yeah. And I had a little exercise ball. And I would just like do little sit-ups on that. And then my roommate was like, this is weird, but also also this is you so I don't think that's weird yeah I don't like if I can exercise in my home I'd rather do that I definitely don't want to run outside no there's people and like cracks they crack yeah I actually do know people who have seriously hurt themselves from running outside. Yes. Because they tripped on something and then they like landed on their arm or something like that.

Nuh-uh, not me. And I guess you could do that in your house too. No, you know where everything is. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess like, why would that be any different from any other in-home workout? But it is interesting to visualize a person running in their home, especially if it's a

small apartment. I want to know if they wear shoes. Yeah. Are you barefoot or did you put your sneakers on? Yeah. Do you put sneakers on? The exercises I do. So I Googled, cause I really, I don't like the gym. It's not fun. Um, so I Googled fat people workouts and I found, uh, this, I think he's Australian or he's English and he's like, you could do it. You take a break if you need, this is the start of your new life. You're doing it. You could pause if you want, but you just have to finish with us. And there's always a fat behind him. So I try to keep up with the fat. And that makes me feel good. And then in between each exercise, we have to march.

So it's kind of like walking in my house. It's like keeping your heart rate up or something. I don't fucking know. Yeah. So I don't think that's weird. Yeah. I don't think that's too weird. I haven't heard of it before.

But it's fine. I think it'd be weird if she was doing like full or if they were doing full marathons. Well, they did a charity run recently, which I guess I don't know if it's... How would anyone know you're in your house by yourself? That's pretty funny. You're just like, I'm running. And you're just moving your arms, pretending to be running. Yeah.

I guess I also don't know how charity runs work that if you can just say i ran that much then it's fine yeah i don't know i don't know but is a charity run like a marathon 26.29 miles i think sometimes it can be oh well how long would that take? Like, how long does it take to run a marathon? Hours. Oh, running for hours just seems really, um, what's it called? Mean. Mm hmm. Torturous. Yeah. Yeah. But people get a kick out of it.

I guess so. Just a little kick. Let's do another one. Hell yeah, dude. Let's do another Get Weird. Yeah, let's get fucking weird, dude. What'd you eat or drink? What'd you do off screen?

What did you do? What did you do, Nicole? I was sipping. I was sipping. Okay. So I have this, my little water thing, and I have a liquid IV in it because I drank last night. And then I also have a little bit of coffee for, I don't know. Coffee is good.

But I really like these liquid IVs. They really bring me back to life. Like that song. Bring me to life. Wake me up. Wake me up inside. Okay. Hi, Nichols this year. My friends from NYC.

Make fun of the way I pronounce elementary. I'm from NY and pronounce it elementary. Wait, what? Elementary? Tear? Tear. Terry. Elementary.

Elementary? Yeah. Elementary. Terry. Elementary. And then they say elementary. Oh, elementary. Oh, okay okay i'm not the weird one right i guess they are saying all the letters elementary we like remove the a but there is a there

uh-huh elementary elementary i went to elementary school elementary elementary elementary abbott elementary no i elementary is weird elementary it's like hard to say elementary wait judith jordan how do you guys say elementary elementary yeah i think it's elementary this is this is how google says it should be pronounced oh elementary oh elementary so our friend is indeed correct and we are all the fucking weirdos well the english language is so messy because we'll just like get lazy and be like it's this even though it doesn't make sense or like things are we drop letters add sounds and it's not easy it's not easy i would not want to be a second language

english speaker oh yeah You know what I mean. It's so hard. It's hard talking. It's hard talking. Yes, I agree. It's hard. You ever get so tired that, like, you don't form good words? Yeah, absolutely.

I'm amazed that I was able to do that at all in this episode. You did good, except when you asked me if I painted my ceiling the outside of a watermelon. It's the wildest thing you've ever asked in your whole life. You got so mad. Oh, we have finished the episode. And guess what? We have an email. No call-ins this year at jamel.com. You can leave a voicemail, a voice memo,

or a text at 424-645-7003. We also have merch at podswag.com slash best friends. And if you're going to read, we got words for you. Transcripts of our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at Earwolf.com. Lastly, we have instructions for you. Don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe.

That's the easiest way to support this show. Signing off from Los Angeles and Atlanta. Bye-bye. Bye.