Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Nicole says "Virgin Mary is That B***ch!"

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

Blessings Friends! This week, Nicole asks if Sasheer got fooled on this past April Fool’s Day. Sasheer didn’t even know it was Easter, let alone April Fool’s Day. Nicole wonders about the symbolism of Easter. Sasheer discovers that the date of Easter is determined by the moon… each year. Nicole was extra vigilant on April Fool’s Day, so she didn’t get fooled. Sasheer finds out that Ask Jeeves rebranded in 2006 to Ask.com… no more Jeeves. Nicole reminisces about shopping at Sears and Bradlees. They both imagine what would happen if Sasheer was Jesus. Nicole would want her to turn everything into wine. Sasheer wants to know, what is Virgin Mary’s real name? Nicole thinks she should be Virgin Mary, that B***ch. Sasheer thinks Jesus was a bad carpenter because we don’t have any of his tables. Nicole wonders if Jesus was the weird kid in school. Sasheer believes Young Jesus would be a hit television show. They answer your friendship questions about an unrequited crush and how to discuss a undiagnosed mental health issue with a partner. This was recorded on Wednesday, April 3rd, 2024. Sources:Easter Day is Determined by the Moonhttps://www.rmg.co.uk/stories/topics/when-easter#:~:text=The%20simple%20standard%20definition%20of,Easter%20is%20the%20next%20Sunday. Barbra Streisand Cloned her Dogshttps://people.com/pets/barbra-streisand-photo-of-cloned-dogs-next-to-grave/ Cost of Cloning a Dog and Cathttps://www.dogster.com/lifestyle/cost-of-dog-cloning#:~:text=ViaGen%20Pets%3A%20The%20American%20Cloning%20Company&text=They%20also%20took%20the%20lead,is%20a%20pretty%20big%20difference. How Cloning Workshttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK223960/#:~:text=The%20chromosomes%20are%20replaced%20with,cases%20it%20starts%20to%20divide. Jesus  Coming Backhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Coming#:~:text=The%20Second%20Coming%20(sometimes%20called,part%20of%20most%20Christian%20eschatologies. No BuzzFeed quiz this week.   Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at:[e-mail] Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/friends and code FRIENDS.

so sheer nicole good morning oh good morning it's morning time I have a question for you. Okay. April Fool's just happened. Were you tricked? I actually completely forgot that it was April Fool's. No one tried to trick me. I didn't try to trick anybody else. I also forgot Easter was happening. I just feel like I'm out of the loop with holidays. You're out of the loop with holidays? People just aren't including including you no one's telling me about what's happening anymore on the calendar

wait that's really funny i really forgot about it like my dad texted me happy easter and i was like huh oh yeah i guess that's today well because it was still march easter is an april holiday no what i'm pretty i'm pretty sure march like easter every year i really don't know i really don't know but easter has passed easter has passed but i know easter comes on a different day every year. Isn't it like the fourth, third Sunday of March? Third Sunday of when is it? Oh, maybe. No, see? Okay.

List of dates for Easter. Oh, sometimes it is April. It was in April. But why? What? Who? I don't know. what who uh i don't know but yeah that's why to me it is a it's a april holiday the second last date no but what i don't understand when is it these are all random

dates to me in march or april It's a different date each year. It's very confusing. It's not like Christmas or July 4th. Yeah, this year was the 31st of March. But why? Yeah, I'm not understanding. Because it's not like the fourth Sunday of March. Because sometimes it's in April.

Who decides? Yeah, does Jesus rise every year and go, today's the day? He's like, I push snooze a little bit for a few weeks. It's April now. Easter's exact date may seem arbitrary, but it's always on the Sunday after the first full moon. I didn't know the moon was involved. Me either. Sounds fucking witchy.

Yeah. Wow. Okay. This means Easter can be anywhere between March 22nd and April 25th. I see. So Easter can just be one day out of a full fucking month and we just don't know until the full moon happens we just gotta pay attention and is that in the bible biblically like what i don't know i don't know this is wild and

this is crazy yeah it does feel very witchy yeah it's been this way since the middle ages so like why are they burning witches and shit like looking at the moon and making stews? Sounds just like Easter. Hiding colorful eggs for children and bunnies coming? Sounds witchy as fuck. Where does a bunny come from? This I don't know. Like, isn't that wild that they were like, a man died,

so a big fucking freaky ass bunny is going to come and hide eggs for you? That's weird. Because that's like, bunnies don't lay eggs. How are the two even related? Whoa. Bunnies don't lay eggs. Whoa, that. That rocked my fucking world they don't lay eggs why are they bringing eggs to children

i do not know according to discovery news since ancient times eggs and rabbits have been a symbol of fertility oh like because rabbits fuck a lot? Wellspring has been a symbol of rebirth. Okay, sure. Easter sounds witchy as hell to me. So a man died. He came back. We look at a full moon as to when we celebrate it. And then we're having big fucking bunnies that fuck a lot hop around and give their eggs to children. Well, that sounds fucked up.

That last part doesn't sound right. They give their eggs to children and they don't even lay eggs and they don't even lay eggs bunnies be dropping babies right like they drop yeah yeah like isn't it a saying like fuck like rabbits or something and they just like have a bunch of tiny litters of rabbits oh my god It's also wild because the eggs aren't even yoked up. They got candy inside. These ain't even yoked up eggs.

Sans yolk. There's candy inside. Yeah, it's also strange. And it's like, I can't be sustained on candy alone, but if it's yoked up, that's protein, baby. This is true. I don't have a real egg.

Then fucking little eggs filled with chocolate. Like, what is this? You know what? And that's April Fool's. That's a trick. It is a trick. I opened up an egg and now there's candy inside. That's such a trick.

You thought you were going to have an omelet. And now you have a sugar high. I was about to have breakfast and now the snack. This is crazy. That's so funny. I didn't get tricked on April fools. I was very hyper vigilant and everything I looked at, I would double check.

Cause you're not going to get me. And then my friend sent me this like very poorly photoshopped thing my friend evan he was like britney spears is doing a new album and i was like evan evan it's april fools and he was like i got got yeah that's so funny yeah not me. I was in these streets looking around, double checking, asking Jeeves. Asking Jeeves. Why didn't Ask Jeeves take off? I feel like it was the thing for a while. It did have a hold on everyone's questions. But now there's just Google and Quora and Reddit.

Yeah. It is wild, though,, ask Jeeves. That's a person. I can ask a person and then like, I'm just Googling things. Yeah. I think it's supposed to make you feel like a, like a king or like, like, yeah. My assistant Jeeves will answer the question. I don't know.

Ask Jeeves. Boy, oh boy. Have you been utilizing the, the image search feature on Google? No, I really, I tried to use it one time and I am so confused. I don't know how to use it. Whoa. So sheer, they've made it, they've made it so simple. I almost said idiot proof, but that would imply that you're an idiot and I don't want to do that to you. Thank you so much. imply that you're an idiot and I don't want to do that to you. Thank you so much. So yeah,

wipe that from our brains. I never even thought of it. Okay. So on your phone, if you go to google.com, there's a search bar and then there is a little photo thing. Hit the photo thing and it brings up your photos from your album and you can slide one right up in there and reverse image search whatever you want okay it's great google.com but then that means i have to give them access to all my photos girl they already have it the internet has you i think i've already tried this before and it just makes me it wants me to download the google app do you have the google app i don't think i have a google app do i i do jordan saying i do i wasn't i was nodding to myself that i have i don't know your phone well that's why i was like oh my god, you're right. I do have the Google app. Oh, okay. I see.

And, I mean, I love it. It's how I have found, like, vintage things that I need two of to sew together for my fat ass. Oh, well, well, well. Oh, and Jordan said AskJeevesIsNow. Ask.com. They took Jeeves out of there? Oh, my God. They fired Jeeves in 2005. Yepcom, they took Jeeves out of there? Oh, my God. They fired Jeeves?

I would be devastated. Yep. It was a rebrand. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. I don't want to just ask some random person.

I want Jeeves to answer it for me. This is like the dullification of America. Okay? Listen. Hear me out. Hear me out. So Ask Jeeves was a Listen, hear me out. Hear me out. So Ask Jeeves was a very, very specific

thing and it was like cool and fun. And then they changed it to Ask.com. Look at modern architecture. It is so boring and basic and like minimalistic. Look at all the stores. Remember when Bed Bath & Beyond had plaid everywhere? Did you know?

Did you know? Did you know? Stores had personality, and now they all look the same. Wait, Bed Bath & Beyond had plaid everywhere? Not Bath & Body Works? Oh, sorry. Bath & Body Works had plaid everywhere. Bed Bath & Beyond had big, bold, blue letters. I think they still do, no?

They're all closed. They are all closed. There's no stores anymore. There's no brick and mortars. No. But yeah, I feel like stores look dull. Like you used to go to the mall and be like, every store had a personality. You were never going to make a mistake walking into a store. Now you can walk into a store, you can walk into a JCPenney's or you can walk into a Hot Topic and never know. And never know where you are until you pick up a shirt. I was looking for Spencer's and I can't find any little prank thingies.

Where am I? These are shoes. Man, you're in Sears. And I don't think Sears exists anymore, which really makes me upset. Because as a kid, I used to shop in the Husky section of Sears. No, they called it Husky? Girl, they're not nice to fat people in this country. No, they sure aren't.

They say, get your little fat ass over the Husky section. And then you have to look at the word Husky and be like, that's me. I'm a Husky. I guess that's me. I'm like a furry dog. Sears is still around but there's only 13 stores in the whole united states oh my god and california has four of them wait a minute i could go to a sears huh i used to love sears we can find you a Husky section if you want. There's one in Burbank.

There's a Sears in Burbank? Yeah. Oh my God. I didn't realize. We didn't know? Didn't know. Did you guys ever shop at Bradley's? I don't think I've heard of it.

You have a Bradley sweatshirt on right now? Do you work for them? I work for Bradley's. No. Bradley's in Caldor. And, oh, God, there was another one that I really liked. They were on Route 35 in New Jersey. And Bradley's had really cool.

It was like a Target. But like a cool Target. And they had Icy's and stuff and I used to shove my little butt in the they had like tween plus clothing so it would be like a size 17 and I'd be like, oh my god mom this

fits and she'd be like, no it doesn't. But she would buy it for me anywhere and I'd wear really tight stuff. Bratleys! Bratleys, okay, cool. I found a video of shopping. Bradley's! Bradley's. Okay, cool. I found a video of shopping at Bradley's department store in 1995. It's 20 minutes long. Will you send it to me?

I would really be into that. Wait, is it someone's perspective of shopping there? Oh, no. It's like fully shopping. Just people shopping. Interesting. That's shopping. Interesting. That's great. Bratley's, I don't know why it went out of business.

It is a better target. And, oh boy, everything was so great at Bratley's. Where did you get this Bratley's sweatshirt from? I bought it from Red Rubble or something. I was Googling. I was like i was googling i was like what happened to bradley's and i think it just like went out of business like you know stores do yeah um and then it was like do you want a bradley's sweatshirt and i was like yes yes i do so i bought one wow preaching the good word of bradley's maybe the maybe the the press you're giving it will no this year nothing

I do helps anything I love Bradley's isn't coming back and neither is the apple chibi cheesecake at Applebee's even though I it's one of the best desserts ever maybe I just have to learn how to make it myself maybe yeah but that's dangerous if I learn how to make a deep fried cheesecake in my house. Because then you might just make it all the time. Yeah. And then I'll move past the husky section to the bed bound section. That's the beyond at Bed Bath & Beyond. That is.

And there's nothing wrong with being a beyond. I just want to say that. You know? Yeah. Can't be body shaming nobody. If you want to stay in bed that's your business you know it's interesting when people talk about people's weight they're like I just want you to be healthy and I'm like but what if they don't want to be healthy yeah that's a good possibility some people may not want to be healthy like they don't care

are absolutely fine with the way they be living that's like when someone's a smoker it's like they know what smoking is doing they're not yeah they're not silly all right wait what this is not good for me whoa no one's ever told me that not even the package of the cigarettes that i bought in england there's like rotted lungs and shit on the packaging it's wild i think that's in like a lot of countries not here though they say have fun yeah we don't want you to think about that have fun yeah we want you to smoke up dudes yeah lord jesus this year jesus this room but yes it's barren

it's really funny because the light is like hitting behind your head so it kind of looks like oh my god it looks like she has risen she has risen in this barren room oh i'm j. I came back. This is actually a cave I'm in. It's actually a cave and I just need to move the boulder and leave. I would be so excited if you were Jesus. Like, it would be so cool. I'd be like, you guys,

my best friend is fucking Jesus. Can you believe that? You're like, do the thing. Do the snake thing. Do it. It would be so annoying. Every glass of water I got, I'd be like, turn it into wine. I don't want to pay for it. I can't do it all the time.

But I simply don't want to pay for it. And I really like watching you do it. That'd be fun. I was on the internet, you know, as one does. Sure. And there was this video where this lady was like, Jesus is so gaggy. Like, so dramatic to invite everyone to a dinner and then, like, have dinner and then be like, one of you is going to betray me. And everyone's like, not me, not me.

And he's like, actually, Judas. Judas is going to betray me. And if you think about it, that is iconic. It's pretty iconic. It's like Jesus. To announce this in front of all your friends. Yes. Like that is such a gay man move. And then to die.

And then like everyone's like boo hoo. And then be like, guess what, bitches? I'm back. Like that's so gaggy. I just wanted to see how much you missed me. Best friends at prostitute. Yes. Yes. Those are the only women he hung out he hung out with was um sex workers and he'd be washing their feet and stuff like jesus

he's gay as hell he wants his girlfriends to have good feet for you know fucking he's like girl you can't be selling your body if your toes are crusty. Best friends with his mom. Yes. He loved his mother. Kind of estranged from his dad, you know, because that's not his real daddy.

Yo, Joseph must have been like mad every day of Jesus's life. I'm sure he was just like, I mean, I want to believe Maryary i want to believe but like this is wild every time i go back to the to the bar everyone's making fun of me they're like you gotta know you gotta know that's crazy and i'm like no i believe i'm a believer but it's just hard. This kid looks nothing like me or anybody. And Mary and I were having problems when she got pregnant. So like,

it definitely isn't mine. She was yelling at me as I was trying to find a manger. It's hard to find a manger at 3am. Isn't that wild? She got pregnant by somebody else, told the dude she was with to find her a fucking manger so she can go have a baby after they get turned away from the hotels and then she's like you're gonna stay with me right and he's like yeah i guess that's her pussy must have been fired truly

like but he wouldn't know because she was a virgin oh my god So her personality was fucking skating her through this. I guess if I ever lied to a man, if I never let him fuck me, got pregnant, said it was the good Lord, this man would leave me. I don't have a personality that would keep a man around like that. And that sucks. he's like i just trust her and she's just so great to be around always this kid who's not mine i feel like you might be able to keep somebody around wow thank you and that's not fair that's not fair like i swear you know me i would never i think that's exactly what you would say and that person would be like alright Sashir I believe you do you think Mary had sex after she had Jesus did she have a virgin I think she did

I mean you have a baby as a virgin that baby is ripping you up you are open for business baby oh better utilize this new real estate down here As a virgin, that baby's ripping you up. You are open for business, baby. Oh, better utilize this new real estate down here. No need to save myself now. My friend just told me that when you have a baby, you have to give birth to the placenta.

And in some hospitals, they don't wait for you to give birth. They pump it out of you. They push down on your stomach until it starts coming out and she was like it's one of the most painful things but that's why you have to get a doula because a doula will go please don't do that because they don't listen to the person who just went through trauma isn't that wild that the doctors are like we can't listen to this fucking idiot who just pushed out a human being we'll listen we'll listen to the person who didn't do that yeah let's squeeze her like a go-gurt and get this let's squeeze her like a go-gurt because you gotta go we to free this bed up.

God, that's funny. But yeah, I think Mary Magdalene, right? That was her name? No. No. Mary Magdalene was the sex worker? Yes. Virgin Mary? Oh, the Virgin Mary.

I don't know what her full name was. Isn't that funny too? Of the Virgin Mary. That everyone called her the Virgin Mary. Like, that's pretty fucking rude. Yeah, it's like, okay, guys, you don't have to keep calling me a virgin because mary magdalene wasn't like mary fucks a lot magdalene no unless magdalene means something oh maybe it means a lot i think that's um let's see miriam i want to know virgin mary was always miriam oh miriam yeah that was her full name

but she still didn't have a last name yeah wait can you go down to that first one what's mary's full name miriam they're still only giving her one name like she's madonna that's funny i i've never heard her be called miriam in my whole life yeah me either yeah just mother of jesus huh also that sucks that sucks to be the Virgin Mary and then Mary, Mother of Jesus. She's only known by, like, what men have done to her or not done to her. Yeah. She never had her own agency. Let's rebrand her as Mary that bitch. Virgin Mary?

More like that bitch Mary. I mean, she is that bitch. She literally kept a man with personality. Who does that? It's wild. That's so wild to me. Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

She's iconic. And that she was chosen to be the vessel to house the son of God. That's pretty impressive. What credentials do you need for that? Yeah, truly. Do you think the other women in town were like, how come it wasn't me? I got a good fucking womb. I got a good womb. My womb is tight as fuck.

Why didn't God want me? That's, oh man, what a tough family to be in. He's getting made fun of at the bar. Women are mean to her because they're like, my womb just as good. Yeah. You ain't special, Mary. Wait, was Jesus like the weird kid in class oh man yeah what was jesus as a kid yeah like jesus we need you to fucking swim not walk on water

i mean didn't even bother going to class like learning math on abacus he's like hi guys and this is not why i'm here i'm the son of god i don't need math i need to save all of you and they're like jesus everyone needs math maybe he didn't go to class and that's why he was such a bad carpenter wait was he a bad carpenter i don't know if he was a bad carpenter but why don't we see any of his tables you think if he was a good carpenter don't you't we see any of his tables you think it's if he was a good carpenter don't you think we'd see like the table jesus has made in a museum or something you are blowing my fucking mind you're right we would have tables jesus made or a chair a chair tub

something there's nothing a foot tub he loved washington's nothing. A foot tub. He loved washing teeth. Do you think this is why there's so many feet fetishes because of Jesus? Yeah, maybe. Men are like, let me suck on them toes so I could be like the Lord.

They just started reading the Bible and they're like, you can wash someone's feet? What's that like? And they do it and they're like, oh my God.

Oh my God, I gotta wash more feet. These feet. These stinky feet are for me. This is so funny. Yeah. Jesus sucked at carpentry. This is wild.

He sucked at carpentry. He had a foot fetish. Yeah. Seems pretty gay. He's like, I can't hammer this i don't want to actually do this can someone else build this for me but i really love the thought of jesus in school just like not doing anything he's told i would watch that show right like he's just keeping with the girls and he's told. I would watch that show. Right? He's just kicking with the girls. And he's like, let me wash your feet. Come on. He's turning pencils into worms.

Oh my god, that's funny. That's the whole show. It's just old timey pranks. Nothing else happens. There is no BC storyline. It is just Jesus doing pranks. It's called Young Jesus. Yes! And it airs right after young sheldon

to add more to the maybe like jesus is gay is that what we're going off of i think we are yeah yeah that's up in there if you think about the last supper i don't think there's any women there right i think it was just all guys at the Last Supper. Yeah. I feel like Mary Magdalene was there. I think. I don't think so. I think it was just the 12 disciples and servers.

Oh, okay. And servers? Somebody had to bring the loaves of bread and the fish. And somebody had to bring the wine that they're going to turn, or no, the water that they turn into wine and then get mad when they bust the table and be like, we didn't serve them wine. Hmm. Okay, so Bartholomew was there.

Gay. James. Son of Alphaeus. Andrew. Judas Iscariot. Peter. John. Thomas.

James the Greater. Definitely gay. Philip. Matthew. Jude Thaddeus What? And then Simon the Zealot. Why do some people have rapper names? Simon the Zealot

Oh, Zealot. Simon the Zealot. That's a rapper. And so is James the Greater. Yeah, Simon the Zealot so is James the Greater. Yeah, Simon the Zealot. And James the Greater. But Bartholomew? That name fucking hits.

That's a good name. I wonder if they called him Bart. Or Mew. Ew. Come on, Mew. Also, was this kind of a cult well i think a lot of history buffs would probably say that most religions when they're new are viewed as cults so i think there have there were definitely people who thought that this was a cult you're like worshiping a person

that people can see and and you know uh dedicating your life to their their value system and i think you know that was like a issue for the christians when they when christianity christianity started and uh which is why they were persecuted so much but now Christianity is such a large religion

I don't think it's no longer looked at as a cult but smaller religions that keep starting that are newer people think they're cults until they're not

you know until history or time or whatever tells us oh it's fine so Shere should we start a religion what would our religion be okay worshiping badass bitches

okay i like that you have to pray to us. Us? You and me? I don't know. I don't know. I could never start a religion. I could never. It would be all stupid stuff and people would be like, this is actually dumb. I think I'd want like a real chill, peaceful religion. Like we go out and meditate. What else would we do? I don't know.

I kind of like other people planning activities. I don't know what activities to plan. Same. I would never know what to plan in religious day. Wait, what did you say? You'd be the Babs? Badass bitches? Yes.

Nothing clever. Just the Babs. Yeah. I like it. I like it too. Okay. We're the Babs, badass bitches. Yes! Nothing clever, just the Babs. Yeah, I like it. I like it too. Okay, we're the Babs. Mm-hmm. Praise Babs. Praise Babs.

It sounds like we're praising Barbra Streisand. And why not? And also, yes. Have you ever heard the song Barbraara streisand oh yeah it's just it's very silly has she mentioned anything about that song does she like the song does she think it's crazy does she think it's cool does she even know about it who knows you know she she um she duplicated her dogs. She cloned her dogs.

No, I did not know that. Yeah. She has dogs that are not of this earth, I think. I might be making that up. I hope you are. But maybe. I guess you can technically clone a dog, right? Because you can clone a sheep.

Yeah. So I think you can clone a dog. Articles say she was flattered by the song. Okay. Oh, good. Can you now look up if she cloned her dog? Was it like her, maybe a pet passed and she missed it and wanted to clone it i think she did it before it passed away in anticipation i think so two of her dogs are clones of her late

dog sammy miss violet and Miss Scarlet. Okay. In a frank and lengthy interview in Variety, Barbra Streisand dropped one of the very notable, one very notable aside, that two of her dogs were clones of a previous dog, Samantha, who had recently died. Yeah. How do you get, okay. Who, what, how, how do you,

who, who, who, who, who, who. Barbra Streisand. Who? What? How? How do you? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Barbra Streisand. What? What? How? How? How? What? What? How? How? How? Like, how much does it cost to clone a dog? Did she need a school? Did she even know about it? Why? Why? Barbra Streisand. Um, where are you going to get a clone of a dog?

There's no clone store. I guess there's probably a lab. This seems like a thing that only rich people are privy to. That is so wild. Like, how much does it cost to clone a dog? Oh, I imagine it's hefty. Using the tissue sample from your dog, genetic material to create their identical twin

is transferred into an egg cell, and an embryo is created. The embryo is then implanted into a surrogate mom who carries the pregnancy to term and cares for the puppy in the same way as a normal pregnancy. Not what I thought. And for a dog, it costs $ fifty thousand dollars to clone a dog and for a cat is thirty five thousand dollars whoa why are cats cheaper that's pretty rude

yeah i don't understand what the difference would be yeah why am i getting a deal on my cat okay here's what I thought. Okay, so Shira, what did you think was happening when we're cloning animals? I guess I thought it was maybe like an embryo situation where you do something in like a test tube and implant it in a body. And then it becomes a thing and birth happens. Wow. What did you think was happening? I thought we're putting a dog on one table

and then the other table has nothing on it and you press a button and then another dog appears on the empty table. I think, no. It never occurred to me that, like, we're splicing shit and doing shit doing like like something has to give birth like never in my life i thought a dog was just like appearing no i don't think we have that kind of technology yet whoa never occurred to me because then that to me is not a clone.

Why? Because if we take matter from me and implant it in an embryo, isn't that just my child? That's not a clone of me. Hmm. But maybe it's like all your exact chromosomes? DNA? I don't know. I don't think we're doing that to dogs.

I think we're just making babies. Descendants, if you will. I feel like I've seen a headline that was like, someone did try to clone their dog and they were upset that the personality was the same. And I was like, well, it's a different dog. Wait, that the personality wasn't the same yeah as the last dog yeah because i don't think we're cloning i think we're just making like twins

and twins can be different and twins like descendants clones and our organisms that are exact genetic copies every single bit of their d DNA is identical. Clones can happen naturally? I just don't buy. What if Jesus, when he came out of the cave, is a clone? He went in one person, came out a whole different Jesus. Oh my God. It was a magic trick. It was a magic trick. And the Jesus that we know today is just an evil clone of Jesus from yesteryear. Oh, wow. Goodness. Wow.

Wow. What did Jesus do when he rose again? Did he just chill for the rest of his life? You know, that's the end of my knowledge of Jesus. I don't know what happens after he comes out of the cave. Me either, because he had a pretty violent death and then woke up and was like, hey, y'all. Just kidding.

Just kidding. JK. Did he have another dinner? Yeah, was the disciple still like his buds? Were they still hanging out? Wait, for the next 40 days? He taught and ministered to his disciples in what must have been an intensely powerful experience preparing them for his ascension oh into heaven

the savior's words during these 40 days provided a wonderful roadmap for us to use to contemplate his assured triumphal triumphal return to earth is this why people say 40 days and 40 nights i think there's also a movie about this too but there is and that is where uh that man moses doesn't have sex right yeah what's his name josh hartnett yeah there you go oh we he really was a heartthrob but i thought the 40 days and 40 nights was moses's oh he was walking or whatever to my people the new land the chosen land whatever i love us guessing bible stories it is fun for me because i went to church for such a long time and one would think i would have retained any of this. I mean, same.

Same. I also grew up in the church and I seemingly have forgotten a lot. Christianity uses 40 to designate important time periods. Jesus was led out. There was a story where he was led out into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. He didn't eat. He was just really meditating. there was a story where he was led out into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights to like, he didn't eat. He was just like really meditating. And I think when he came back,

he started like hitting up his disciples, like you're a disciple, you're a disciple. Oh, so that's before they nailed him to the cross. Yeah. They say it's Matthew four, one through 11.

Wait, that's so nuts. This man, honestly, no offense. I'm not following Jesus anywhere. You went into the desert for 40 fucking days and 40 nights. Like, you're twisted in the head. Like, you're hungry.

You're not telling me anything of value. Like, you need water. Do you know what I'm saying? And then it's like, you're inviting me to dinner and tell me who's betraying who. Like, you still need to, you need to recover. Do you know? But maybe people followed him because they were like, wow, he survived 40 days and 40 nights without any food or water. That's impressive.

He must be the son of God. I'm going to listen to everything he has to say. Maybe. Wait, but did we figure out how long he lived after he came back? He ascended to heaven after he talked to his boys oh he like straight up flew away i think so oh then i would believe yeah if i watch somebody fly shoot up shoot up to heaven after being dead and coming back oh yeah i'd be like oh i all in. You guys don't even know. This man shot right up to heaven.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. How wild. His ascension occurred fully 40 days after Easter. Okay. Wow. All right.

That's crazy. And do you think he kept being like, I might be going any day y'all i might be going in the middle of the sentence i might be going at any time y'all better listen you better listen i'm ascending i'm getting out of here sleep with one eye open i might not be here in the morning you never know when i'm gonna go and honestly how traumatic for his mother like my prankster child who flunked out of school was a bad carpenter went into the woods for 40 days came back all hungry and bleary-eyed then they strung him up to a cross and i had to watch then they put him in a cave and then

he left the cave and now he's flying up to heaven like that's crazy that's crazy wow there hasn't been another one like him no but apparently he's coming back wait he's coming back that's what people that's what that's what the bible says he's supposed to come back to earth at some point for what you know i don't actually i don't know what he's going to do. Yeah. Come back when we need him. What's on his agenda? What's on the itinerary? I don't know. Tell us more stuff.

Interesting. I, if, okay, if this year, tomorrow, ring-a-ling-a-ling, I call you and I go, listen, Jesus came back. And he's in, he is in Wyoming. Do you want to take a road trip? Would you go? To see Jesus? Yeah. Yeah.

I think I would go too. Yeah. What's he up to? Yeah. I got questions. Okay. The second coming is the Christian belief that Jesus Christ will return to earth after his ascension to heaven, which is said to have occurred about 2000 years ago. The idea is based on the messianic prophecies and is part of most Christian eschatologies.

I'll tell you something. He left 2000 years ago. That man is not coming back. Y'all think after two thousand years he's gonna be like i promised i did tell them i come back no he's not coming back for me he's not coming back and never came back but also pretty gaggy to wait two thousand years to come back after you promised that's you thought I wouldn't come back. Your guard's down. Should we answer some questions?

Praise him. Praise him. Yes, we should. Is there a matching bottom to this sweatshirt unfortunately no i'm so sorry thank you thank you for your thoughts at this time hi nicole i'm this year um jordan and judith and kimmy thank you so much for this podcast. It makes me cry laughing all the time. I'm calling because I have an unfortunate crush, I guess I could say. So there's this guy who is actually my dance teacher, but it's not weird. I'm 29 and we're all adults. It's not like a weird teacher-student thing.

But basically, I've been taking this class for a couple years now. And I really just wanted to be his friend for a while because he's a very cool person. And I originally joined this class to dance and have fun, but also make new friends. And recently, we've actually kind of started to become friends. Like, we don't hang out outside of it. But I was so excited about it. But then I made a crucial error. A couple nights when I was using my vibrator, he just popped into my head. And you know, sometimes if you're just in the zone, you got to go with what pops in your head. And now I feel like I've tricked myself into kind of having like a pretty big crush on him.

And I'm not really sure what to do. For some context, it's a little confusing because I'm bisexual and have very much always seen myself falling in love with a woman. And he is possibly 100% gay, but I also think he's bisexual, but I also think it's not into me at all. gay that I also think is bisexual that I also think is not into me at all and so really what I'm hoping to do is just kind of get over this and go back to my intended wanted friend

crush instead of this crush crush so wondering if you have any advice on how to move out of this feeling and back into where I was and just wanting a super cool friend. So thank you guys so much.

Love the podcast and bye. Hmm. I mean, crushes are fun. And if you don't actually intend on doing anything, you can keep masturbating to this person as much as you want. Like, I don't know have fun um and i guess i think the more you get to know somebody uh it's the the possibility of you like taking the fantasy away increases unless this person's awesome and and also exactly your type and dateable then i'm sorry

you're fucked but um you know maybe like if you actually get to know this person as a as a person you start like seeing like oh they're flaws and like things like ics and things that you probably wouldn't like uh maybe that'll take away some of the fantasy allure. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, I masturbate to a lot of people that I, like, would never date because it's fun to be like, what about this?

Yeah. And then also, I have masturbated to people and been like, ooh, that actually took me out. And then I have to, like, just go to sleep and be sad about it.

Cause I'm like, Ooh, yeah. Um, but I kind of agree. Like having a crush is fun, especially if you like don't intend on acting on it. Um,

and it's fun to be like, what if, and then I think it's like easy to like put in your mind. It's like this crush, this is one sided. This person isn't into me. And I'm just having a little bit of fun. A little bit of...

What am I thinking of? A little bit of Monica in my life. A little bit of... Yeah, you're just Mambo number five-ing. Yeah. You're not even his Mambo number one. You're his number five yes yes and then if he like hits on you what what fun that's pretty yeah it was kind of fun you know just ride it have a nice

time don't don't put any stakes into it yeah yeah But I mean, if you really want to, like, not think about this person romantically and you really don't want to have a crush, get a new person to think about when you masturbate. And then every time you see them, just be like, friend, that's my friend. And then, you know, fake it till you make it, baby. Mm-hmm. Solved! Solved. Okay. Hey, Nicole and Sashir, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now and pretty early into our dating I started to notice that he has some signs of neurodiversity

neuro yeah neurodiversity hyper focus poor term poor short-term memory stimming and some sensory sensitivities at first I just figured maybe he was waiting for the right time to talk about it, which I totally understand. I also have a disability and I don't like talking about it too early. However, it's been a year and at this point, I know he won't acknowledge that there's a possibility he's on the spectrum. I've tried bringing it up to him before and he always says something along the lines of it really wouldn't matter to have a diagnosis because it wouldn't change anything. So it isn't worth looking into. I want to I want to respect his journey and some people really don't want the label. But it's hard because I do think having that shared understanding would help

us communicate better in our relationship. Did something similar ever influence your relationship before Nicole was diagnosed with ADHD? And Nicole, do you think you would have handled it well if a friend or a loved one tried to tell you you were neurodiverse? I just want to love him for who he is without feeling like there is this big element we are ignoring. Thanks for sharing and making me laugh every week. I love you both. Um, I think I was just like weird and maybe a little annoying before I was diagnosed. And I don't think I've changed very much. Have I? Yeah.

I have. Yeah. mean i think since your diagnosis you it's like uh you there's like a a thing to point at or like trace back to like oh i forgot this thing because i didn't take my medicine or oh this you know like there's like more like yes there's more clues yeah where before yeah i was i'd just be like oh okay i guess she just forgot this thing or she's late or this you know like and then be like well that sucks but now it's like oh there's a reason why all this is happening um yeah it's helpful i i often think back to when we were having a conversation about black China and Rob Kardashian and we were having a conversation and then there was quiet and I went, were we having a conversation? You were like, yes.

And I was like, what was it about? Yeah, it was just the two of us sitting on your couch, I think looking at each other. And I looked at the ceiling and then it like, it left that we were having a conversation and I think you were like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, but like, I really can't remember what we were talking about. And that was like a, that was a turning point for me. Cause I was like, Oh, I gotta figure this out. Because similar things had happened through my life. Like I was at a play with my, my friend, John, John Mason. And he was talking to me during intermission. And then I looked at the stage and then he kept talking and I looked back at him and I was like, who are you talking to?

And he was like, you, I was like who are you talking to and he was like you I was like oh no um so I think mine were just like a little quirk like very quirky um but it is nice when I'm on stage or like if I'm babbling I could be like I'm sorry I didn't take my medicine or it's worn off or hey man that's just you know how I am sometimes. But my therapist said something to me that makes a lot of sense. Some people don't want to know and they don't need to know and they're just OK with who they are. And I think when our listener says that you love him for who he is, this is a part of who he is. He is a person who is absolutely fine with all of his quirks and stuff and I don't like and I know you're like oh we could have a shared language

about that um but you don't have to that's a thing that he doesn't want to have um but a thing I do with friends who seem on the spectrum but don't really acknowledge it is I'll be like, oh, that's my little spectrum thing. And then sometimes I'll be like, oh, that's my spectrum thing. So it's not like I've worn them down, but it's like, oh, just an acknowledgement of they're on the spectrum, too. But also, why do you need that confirmation? but also why do you need that confirmation i wonder if uh i feel like if i were in our writers shoes maybe i would want the confirmation because i wonder if any of these um i don't know these the things that she's noticing are, uh, affecting their communication or like,

like, or, or temperament or, you know, like, I think like sometimes it's easy or when you're like, oh, this person has ADHD or something else.

Well, that leads to a lot of other things that like opens the door to other things. Like, it's like, oh, these types, this type of person with this type of mindset usually has this kind of temperament or

like this is a common thing that happens so it's like i guess maybe easier to talk about than being like well we don't know why you get really upset when i don't fold the clothes this way or like we don't really know why you like this habitual thing keeps happening. And that's hard for us to talk about because you won't figure it out. It's not completely necessary. I can see why this person thinks that it might be easier for them to navigate certain things in their relationship. But you can also talk about each of those things individually as they come up. Yeah. I don't know.

I think there's like no right answer. I think it's like. Yeah. But I think maybe a right answer is not to push this person if they don't actually want to do any research on this because it's their business, their brain. And yeah. do any research on this because it's their business um their brain and yeah i also like nicole's suggestion of like you know voicing your own stuff because maybe that would inspire them to be like oh oh that's your that's your spectrum thing maybe i have a thing like that and maybe they won't do that i don't know but uh I think as long as it's not, like, super detrimental to your relationship, which I hope it wouldn't be, I think it's, like, okay to leave alone. Yeah, I think so.

Because also, spectrum-y things, when they happen, sometimes are hard to explain to people. Even when they know you, like, people know I have ADHD. And some things that, like, you wouldn people know I have ADHD and some things that like what you wouldn't think happen with ADHD like I like I I like uh I'm pretty chaotic but I like patterns and I like when things are the same so like in pole I have to put my bag in the same place that it always goes. And when I explained it to my pole, to Veronica, she very much accepted it because I have weird things. But like it is nice when someone knows, like when you can kind of explain it or articulate it. And then that person remembers.

Like on Sunday, she had her stuff where my stuff goes. And I took a deep goes and I I took a deep breath and I went I can change and that's okay and then she went you don't have to I can move my stuff and I went thank you so much I like that so maybe that's what our listener is wanting like to be able to make adjustments and know why they need things a certain way but also that is their business and it's okay if they don't want a diagnosis because it seems as if this his diagnosis is more for our listener than them because they accepted it and they're fine yeah but again there is no real answer i think it's just maybe sharing your experience more

might help them open up yeah and not trying to push too hard if they don't want to do something yeah yeah solved wait so shira do you have like specific things like do you have sound things or like touch things or like like you like things a specific way about anything mouth sounds really irritate me like open mouth chewing gum chewing yeah but like actually hurts me actually it's kind of grating um and hmm i'm sure i have other things that i probably haven't even thought of but i don't i can't i don't know if i need if i have like position things like if i need things to be in a certain place all the time i don't know but i i i took a like a couple actually adhd do you have it quizzes and i and i it's like slight it's ever so slight and i can notice it a little bit more when i like zone out or do other like so many other

things than the thing i actually intend on doing i'll like clean a whole house as opposed to like read one email um but i think also with just the era we're in and like phone culture and like i think everyone's attention span is just like dying and everyone's a little bit got they have a little bit of something um yeah but i don't think i can't think of anything that i like need need jordan judith do you have any like specific things that you're like uh specific about that like really really grind your gears and make you mad when when they don't happen mine is and i actually discovered it recently and it's not anything that someone does i mean i have like little annoyances that like if the dishes are not cleaned a certain way or something though i feel like that's just natural human things no it's not

some people love a dirty dish oh weird okay um oh i've seen people's dishes. I'm like, ooh, isn't that clean? Oh, weird. Okay. Well, so the one that I picked up on, and I never thought I'd be like a texture type of person. But there I got this like eyebrow to help you like grow your eyebrows more. And I remember feeling the outside of the bottle. And I like jumped and like had to throw it because the texture and the I was like like when it scared me how much I was like I hate the texture of this and I've seen

people be that way with like if they hear if they hear a touch styrofoam if there's like other pieces of texture I one time dated a guy who like I was cutting like a piece of chicken on my plate and he was like oh like stop like grinding your fork against the plate and I was like I didn't even notice it but something about the outside of the bottle of this eyebrow thing I now I get it I was like oh this is what everyone's talking about yeah a little thing for me I have a little thing and then a bigger thing but little thing for me dishes before have a little thing and then a bigger thing, but little thing for me, dishes before I hit the bed, they have to be clean. I don't like a dirty dish in the sink. Like, I just imagine just, just insects of all kinds coming out and how everything has been so terrible I've been like like I think my anxiety has really spiked I think in the last two years I didn't really think I had anxiety but with everything that's gone on like even bigger issue things whether it's politics

or just stuff have like I I will spiral and then I have to bring myself out like, no, the earth is still, I guess, safe to be here. I don't know. Like, it's very much like I get really into the weeds and then I have to be like, you can't control it. You just have to move through life, you know, the best way you can. But these past years after the pandemic have really terrified me, to be honest. Yeah. I'm moving into covering my ankles i don't like my ankles covered and i've been experimenting with longer socks

but this is a big deal because you like we know how you're like you're similar to me where you like the cropped pants and like we let our ankles like I also am not yes I let my ankles breathe and I wore socks for like a whole night that cup like came up to my ankles covered my ankles and when I took them off I was like wow let the dogs out I was it was like really like it felt insane and I was like I don't know how these people are walking around with socks on their ankles like this um here's a question do these socks match they did and the world didn't end oh whoa yeah it was pretty wild for me and the person i was with didn't notice and i made a big deal about it i was like i can't believe you don notice. My ankles are both pink and they're covered. I'm not pink.

These are socks, dog. I'm a changed person. Can you believe it? Oh, my God. Did it feel like taking off a bra at the end of the day? Like that feeling, like relief? Well, I keep my bra on for most of the time. But I assume that's what people feel like.

Well, that's it for this episode. I asked everyone their things so I could reveal I covered my ankles. And if you have a revelation, you want to reveal something, you have a question, you can email Nicole and Sashira

at Jamel.com or call 424-645-7003. We also have merch at podswag.com slash best friends. Also, we have transcripts of our new episodes. Check them out at our show page at earwolf.com. Lastly, don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe. That's the easiest way to support this show. Yes, Lord.

Well, bless you. Happy Easter. He has risen. Bless you. That bitch and our Lord and Savior. Bye!

Bye! Bye!