Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Nicole Was Gonna Ride An Alligator

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

Nicole and Sasheer are best friends with a podcast! Nicole tells stories about bad phone etiquette and a man who loves big panties. Sasheer dreams of life on a commune, and tries to get Nicole on board (Nicole is not on board). They answer listener questions about adult friendships and what to do when you don’t like your friend’s husband, as well as discuss the validity of “emotional labor.” Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at:[e-mail][phone]‬This episode is sponsored by Aladdin the Musical (www.aladdinthemusical.com), Openfit (text FRIENDS to 303030), Instacart (www.instacart.com code: BESTFRIENDS), and HelloFresh (www.hellofresh.com/bestfriends80 code: BESTFRIENDS80). Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/friends and code FRIENDS.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi. Sashir. Nicole. Zameda. Bayer. Of, um, let's see, people who don't know you, tell them what you've done so they know that they're listening to quality.

Oh, boy. And not some fucking dumpster bitch. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I am a comedian. Yes. And an actress. Yes. And a writer.

Yes. And your best friend. Yes, that's what I was getting at. Yeah. That's what I mean by what you've done those i can't tell you what i mean is list my credits or just say what like my deal is i left it open-ended because i'm a monster well what have you done i found you in 2001 and decided to become your best friend. And then in 1998, we were like really on that best friend train. And then in 1972, we really became best friends.

Yeah, we are also time travelers. We once did an improv scene where it was like black people could time travel. Oh yeah, I do remember that. And I'm pretty sure a bunch of white people were like, I don't know if it's okay to ask if it's true. Can they actually? Because improv is based in some sort of truth. Actually, one time you said something that is true.

For once. That traveling on a plane is like time travel. It is. Yeah. It is. Yes. You're like, okay, anytime you're going from the East Coast to the West Coast, you are going to the past. The future.

I think the past. You're going to the future. Wait. Wait. No, because it's like later on the East Coast. Yeah. So you're going back in time. Back in time.

You're going back. Going back to the future. And then when you fly to the East Coast, you're going to the future. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much. You have a lot of good plane insight.

Thank you. I'm on planes all the time. Yeah. You know, I've been trying to make this into a joke. It doesn't work on stage. But, like, I love the window seat because i love to eat with the shade up so birds can see me living my best life you gotta stand on those birds right but you you don't think that do you no i've never thought about the birds and their level of enjoyment in

the sky while i'm on the plane no you're never in the sky being like yo there's a bunch of other shit up here uh i guess I've looked at the clouds. Clouds are nice. The stars, the moon. One time I could see a thunderstorm. It was in the distance and it was really gnarly. That's scary. It was scary.

Can you fly into a thunderstorm? I think you can. I think they try not to. You ever pass over a bunch of land that's not being used? It's, like, mountainous or, like, flat or whatever. And you're just like, how come we don't just, like, let refugees in the country and start their own towns? Oh, that's a good point. Why don't we do that?

I mean, I guess the land, if it is barren, I would think, oh, there's a reason people aren't living there? Arizona is a desert. Is there a fallout aren't living there? Arizona is a desert. Is there a follow up? And people live there. Deserts are not conducive to humans. But we made the desert okay for people to live in.

I didn't know if you were going to leave it at that. Well I figured that you would follow my logic. Well anyway should we explain what this is? On this podcast. Well, I figured that you would follow my logic. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, anyway. Oh, should we explain what this is? On this podcast, we're going to- What's the name of it? Best Friends.

Yes. This podcast is called Best Friends. Hi, welcome to Best Friends. With Nicole Byers. It's just- Wow, we're off to a great start. We're four and a half minutes in, and we just did a proper intro. Okay, let's try it again.

Okay. One, two, three. Welcome to Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sashir Zameda. Wow, we did it. Sashir, I haven't seen you in what seems like years. I haven't seen you in what seems like years. I haven't seen you in forever. You were just gone for the weekend, right?

I was gone for four fucking days. Yeah. In Tempe, Arizona. And then you, before I left. I was gone for a long time. You were gone for ten full days. It was like a week and a half. I guess that's about ten days, yeah.

No, you're right, you're right. Thank you. I thought I was right. I was like a week and a half. I guess that's about 10 days. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. Thank you. I thought I was right. I was like a week and a half. So seven plus three and a half. That's 10 and a half days. So I was like basically there. Yeah. Yeah. I was in D.C., New York and then Toronto. That's a lot of traveling. It's a lot. And then what were you doing? Shows. I did shows at DC Drafthouse and then I was in New York and I was filming this piece for Sam Bee, which airs on Wednesday. I'm very excited about it. Oh! Tune in!

You'll have to go back in time. Back in time, you gotta get on an airplane. I was doing shows at the Tempe Improv. Very great venue. I thoroughly enjoyed it. But you know this because I call you after it happens, every time it happens. I keep doing shows where the audience, they so unruly. It's almost as if they want me to have a nervous breakdown right in front of them.

It sounds like you will. One of these days, I just might. When I was in Seattle someone yelled nailed it at a punchline and I fully I laid down on the stage and I said why why did you do that I asked you up top I asked you not to do it during the show why would you do that and then I stood up and was like I want to push you down the stairs and yell nailed it and the crowd liked that but she didn't It's very peculiar because people will yell at me, and then when I, like, interact with them, they're like,

oh, I immediately regret this. Yeah, I don't know. First of all, none of that ever happens at any of my shows. Ever. You have the most unruly shows. I dropped in on your St. Louis set. Is that where you are? St. Louis?

Because I happen to be in the area. And yeah, just listening from backstage, I could not believe how many people were yelling at you all the time. Also, some woman lied and said she was your cousin. She also said her name was Meredith Gray. And I was like, you could have come up with a better name.

That's an iconic character from television. Insane. And then I was like, what side of my family are you on? She was like, your mom's. And I was like, what's my mom's name? And she went, um. And I was like, you're just, you lied.

She lied. Also, somebody called me yesterday. And I was like, hello. And I had a missed call from two missed calls. And then I answered this one. And it was an L.A. number. And I answered because, you know, Hollywood might be calling. Truly.

Might be a job. Might be a gig. Yeah, might be a little gig. A little gigapoo. And then I hear this voice that was like, hello? She's like, Nicole. And I was like, who is this? And she was like, is this Nicole?

And I said, who is this? And she goes, is this the comedian Nicole Byer? And I was like, no. Who is this? And then they hung up oh no and then I called back twice to be like why are you calling her like

just out of curiosity why would you think it's appropriate I was going to pretend to be a stranger who is not me to educate her that she shouldn't be calling me and then I was like I guess maybe I should change my number I mean I was telling you this for a while. But here's the thing. If I change my number, they're just going to find that number.

People need to start acting better. Yeah. But you'll at least have more chances to lock down your security before they find your number. Do you have an idea of how they got that number? No, because I Googled my name and I googled Nicole Byer telephone number and I like went through like two websites and it wasn't there and I said well I mean they really had to look.

Yeah. I don't like that. I would never look beyond two websites. Also why do you want to talk to me? Yeah what was going to happen after

she confirmed that that was you? Like is this Nicole Byer the comedian? Yes. Really? Mm-hmm. Would you like to be

my best friend? Like no. That slot's alreadyhmm. Would you like to be my best friend? Like, no. That slot's already full. She's probably going to be like, my kid has some cookies that he made and they're bad. Put them on the show. Please. Please. He nailed it.

I mean, you already know I changed my number. Because I was getting some suspect texts. Yeah, and you told none of our friends. I didn't. So then I became the gatekeeper of your new number. I still get people, friends, mutual friends, good friends of ours texting us being like, what's this year's new number?

And this poor woman, Susan, who's got your old number. Poor Susan. I can't believe. I thought there was like a rule where they just like bank that number for like a year or something. They gave someone else my number immediately. Her name is Susan. I can't believe, I thought there was like a rule where they just like bank that number for like a year or something. They gave someone else my number immediately. Her name is Susan. I think she lives in Maryland. And she's very sweet. Let me find a message from her.

Yeah, there's been multiple people who were like, I tried to text you and I got Susan. And then she's like saying the nicest thing. She's like, sorry, I'm not your friend. I hope she can do your podcaster. Sorry, I'm not your friend. I hope you guys do your podcaster. Sorry, I'm not your friend. I hope you guys can figure out dinner soon. She's really concerned that I'm still making these plans.

But I don't know. I actually, I secretly hope that Susan starts doing comedy. Like, she gets asked to do enough shows. Wouldn't that be hilarious if Susan was like, I think my calling is comedy. People keep asking me to do shows. Oh, dang. I can't find the last susan text last season text but she was so sweet about it she was just like it's it's not me um i i'd be so frustrated yeah

i would be livid i would be like you have to stop texting me i also got someone else's number and i don't know how soon after they got rid of it but like i think his granddaughter was calling me like she would call and i answered the phone be like sorry wrong number and then one time she left a voicemail it was like hey granddad uh mama needs that i just like giving a laundry list of things that she needed and i was like i i'm not that person and then she facetimed and i just didn't answer because i didn't want to facetime with this little girl. You should have. I should have. You should have.

She could have been like fun. Yeah. Carefree. There is a story of some grandma was texting a boy. Do you remember the story? It was like a white grandma and a black. Oh, they were playing words with friends. No, that's a different story.

But that's also a nice one. Oh, OK. But there was another one where I think a grandma was like, you know, come over 4 p.m. for dinner. And he's like, oh, who is this? And she's like, I'm your grandma. He's like, that's not. Nope, you're not. And she's like, no, I am.

And he's like, send me a picture. And she sent a picture. And then he sent a picture of him in class where he's like, I'm not. As you can see, I am not your kin. And she's like, oh, well, invitation's still open. And then he came over, and they had dinner, and it was sweet, and they still do it. That's very, very nice. Isn't that nice?

Once I got a phone call, and I was like, hi. And they were like, Nicole? And I said, yeah. This is when I was in college, or acting school. It wasn't real college. I don't have a degree. And I was like, hi, yeah, this is Nicole. And he goes, hey, it's me, a degree uh and i was like hi yeah there's nicole and he goes hey it's me your dad and i was like whoa what and this is before my dad died so

like it wasn't scary this is from the other side uh but it didn't sound wild it just didn't sound like my dad i was like you're not my dad he went yes i am and I was like, dad? He was like, yeah baby, he's made you dad and I was like, wait a minute, you're not my dad and this went back and forth for maybe like 20 seconds which is like, too long it's like 19 seconds too long and then finally we realized it was my roommate's

dad who had gotten out of he was in a situation he was out, jail, he was in jail I don't know why, I'm not saying her name he had gotten out of jail and I guess she was in a situation. He was out, jail, he was in jail. I don't know why, I'm not saying her name. He got out of jail and I guess she was in between phones so she gave him my number.

Oh. And it was just like a whole thing and she sat there and she was like, is that your dad? Whose dad is it? He says he's my dad

but I'm 100% sure this is not my dad. That's so funny. It was very wild. I was, I worked at Disney World for a semester and summer during college. This I knew. Yes, this you know. You have a habit of springing information on me,

and it doesn't make me feel good, because I think I would win a contest of knowing the most about you. He still would. I don't know. I didn't know you were born in Japan. I don't know. I didn't know you were born in Japan. Well, eventually I told him.

That really made, that rocked my socks. Man, I was cruising for a bruising. My lid was about to bust. I was,

I was, I was like, I'm gonna pop my tops. I was gonna ride an alligator. I was so mad. Riding an alligator? That's not a saying? I've never heard it. I. I was so mad. Riding an alligator? That's not a saying?

I've never heard it. I think I made it up. Well, it just never came up in conversation. Okay, but you knew I was born in the United States. Well, I guess so. Yeah, I assume. So that's what I would assume that my United States friend was born in the United States. Oh, so that's what you have a problem with that I'm foreign?

You're foreign and I didn't know about it. And then you just casually said, we were like in mixed company. That's not how anybody should find something out. I'm sorry. That's like parents going out to dinner with like a group setting with their kid. And they're like, we're getting divorced. And it's like the kid's like, why don't you tell me in private? I think it's a little different.

I think it's the exact same thing. Same gravitas. Same thing. Well, the exact same thing. Same gravitas? Same thing. Well, you treat it with the same gravitas. I was so... Man, my knickers were in a bunch. My shoes were on the wrong feet. I was swimming in a pool with no goggles.

I was trying to say I was paddling up the river with no paddle. Is that a saying? I think so. But swimming in a pool with no goggles is also great. Oh, I was so mad I was in a pool with no goggles. My eyes were all red and burning. I needed to see underwater. Okay, so you were working at Disney.

Yes, I was working at Disney. For a semester. And we had these dorms that we could stay in, and they had a room phone, or like apartment phone or something. And someone called the phone, and I answered, and they didn't say anything. I just heard, and I was like, what? Hello, hello. And then eventually I figured out they were jerking off. I think they were doing that to multiple rooms. How did you know they were jerking off?

Did you hear flapping? I don't know. I can't remember. I don't think I heard flapping. I just heard like, you know, like sex noises, pleasure noises. Yuck.

Yeah. When I worked at Lane Bryant, a man used to call and go, hello. I'd say, hi, this is Lane Bryant. And he'd go, how big are the panties? I'd say, oh, we have very big panties because it's a plus size store.

I was like, I mean, we go up to size 28. And he was like, how big is a 28? And I was like, it's pretty large. It's the largest size we have. And he was like, what size do you wear? And I was like, well, not a 28. And he was like, okay. And then like, that was it.

It was very weird. I just love thinking about big panties. I just love thinking about a big, fat booty just stuffed into a big panty. Ooh, just the cheeks moving and rubbing. And those big panties. Those panties are so wide. Oh, they're so just stretched. And the elastic band is so thick.

It's like a slingshot. Oh, yeah. I use it as a weapon. Big old panties. If I leave it in the middle of the street, it covers one side. I can use it as a bed sheet. Oh, yeah. So big.

Cover my body. Bad night with these panties. We truly caught up and recollected on things. Yeah, I feel good. I feel good, too. Okay, we have a segment where we're going to talk about iconic best friends. Okay, great. Oh, you're going to use a sound effect?

Which one? Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. We have a soundboard and we're learning. Yes, we're learning going to use a sound effect? Which one? Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. We have a soundboard and we're learning. Yes, we're learning how to use it. So, yeah. Okay.

Here's our segment where we talk about iconic best friends. Yay. Okay. Making a studio audience. Oh, yeah. We have a studio. This is live in front of a studio audience. Okay.

It's the first episode. Let's talk about iconic, the most iconic set of best friends. Oprah and Gayle. We're trying to get them on the podcast. I believe it'll happen one day. I think it's going to happen. Word is out to them. Gayle, if you're listening, please come on down to Earwolf.

Come on down to Earwolf. There's valet. You don't have to park your own car. You'll get a ticket in classic valet fashion. We got chips. There's chips here. There's water. Honestly, if you want, you know, like food, I could bring you something.

They have a panty story. Yes, because the intro to Gail's old radio show was, I was at Oprah's house and there was a thunderstorm and I couldn't go home. And Oprah said, why don't you stay here? And I said, but I don't have any panties. And Oprah said, you could wear mine. Which is so funny that they thought that was a relatable best friend story. Because I have never worn your panties. And I've never worn your panties.

No. I don't even know in what context that would happen. I'd also be like, girl, just sleep here. You really need panties to sleep? Well, sometimes my little snatch gets all... Gets all rubbed raw. I gotta cover it up. The sheets be tearing up my pussy,

so I gotta protect it with some underwear. Not the ones I wore today. A brand new pair out of a drawer. When I go to sleep, I sleep hump everything. And the panties are a good guard to make sure that I don't get too raw. So I gotta have them.

Isn't that disgusting? Raw. Raw. I said that to you the other night. You did? I said I was horned up and I rubbed myself raw. You did. Then I was walking with a limp and I had to be like, I did that to myself.

With my hand. Could you imagine? Just my hand. Man, I did that to myself. With my hand. Could you imagine? Just my hand. Man, I'm a nightmare. Okay, so Oprah and Gail, the iconic duo. I buy it. I think they're truly, truly best friends. Seems like a real best friendship.

I love it. Yeah, they just seem to really love each other. I feel like it's very mutual, and I feel like Gail is just so pleased and excited by what her friend has done yeah it seems like so supportive because Oprah was you know Oprah the Oprah for such a long time she still is

she didn't change her name she's still Oprah she was everybody she's still that don't you follow her on instagram where she gathers fruits and vegetables from allegedly around her garden i i don't follow no oh i love it she's always presenting lots of fresh vegetables and i'm like you and stedman can't possibly eat this in a week you are just like us that shit's going bad in your refrigerator there was one post where

she was like what do i do with all this dill? I'm like, it's not dill. That's what I mean. She doesn't fucking know what she's doing. I love it. I love it too. I also love that I feel like Oprah, like, I feel like her and Gail

have like the run of the house and then Stedman has to knock. Oh yeah. He's like in the back house. He's like in the pool house. Can I come hang? Can I have dinner? I'm tired of eating out a bowl.

You ever see the movie Soul Food? Yes. I feel like the uncle who stays in the pool house. Can I come hang? Can I have dinner? I'm tired of eating out a bowl. You ever see the movie Soul Food? Yes. I feel like the uncle who stays in the bedroom and they put the plate down and then he uses his cane and slides it in the room. I feel like that's Stedman. He just waited for somebody to leave him a treat. Yeah. Please, can I come out?

I'm just kidding, Stedman. Actually, I'm not kidding, Stedman. I stand by it. I don't want you on the podcast. Just Oprah and Gail. Yeah, they're not best friends. Yeah, no one's best friends with Stedman. Wait, does Gail have a Stedman? Gail's married. You know, I don't really know. I assume she's

married? I also assume she's married. But I don't actually know. And I assume she got married so they could do, like, couples trips. Like, just because. She didn't actually want to get married, but she just wanted to. Well, I started thinking last night. I was like, well, Sashir is in a relationship. Eventually they're going to get married.

They might have a kid or something one day. I should probably try to find somebody so I'm not the third wheel. That's not a reason to find somebody yeah you should find someone if you want to find someone no no no so like the four of us could go to dinner and I have this man or this woman this person who can like add to the couple

conversation so you could be like this thing we do as a couple annoys me and then my whoever could be like I feel that too You know I don't think I do that with other couples I think we just talk Oh no you don't commiserate? No

I don't know what couples talk about Well you've hung out with us as a couple But I've never been in a couple But I've always been It would be the same except you're I've always been a peeping Tom at dinner with you guys Just on the outside looking in. That's how you feel?

No. When he, yes. Well, no. But that's what it is. No, you're in the conversation. We are talking to you. Are you sure you don't hold things back because I don't have a significant other who can like co-sign something? No, there's never been a time where I was like, get ready.

I'm about to say something about my relationship. Oh, maybe I should just hold it in because Nicole wouldn't know. Are you sure? Yeah. Okay. I talked to you about my relationship, so you already know everything. I know. Like, there's never been like an instance where you're like, I have a real couple-y thing that we're going to do, and we can't do it in front of Nicole.

She won't get it. There might be couples who are like that. I don't think we're like that. I don't think we do a lot of things like a lot of couples. We're pretty, like, chill and, like, slow. Like, slow on progress, I guess. You know, I don't know. When people are like, when are you doing this?

Or when are you doing this? We're just like, you know, whenever. We don't have, like, I guess. I don't know. When people are like, when are you doing this? Or when are you doing this? We're just like, whenever. We don't have a timeline. But there might be people who are like that, but that's not a concern of mine. We've hung out with other couples

where I don't think we were talking about being a couple. Probably, though. Maybe we were. I wasn't thinking about it. I don't know. I really think

when couples get together, they're like, barb over here. And Barb's like, you get it, Cindy writes. I don't know. I really think when couples get together, they're like, Bawk! Barb over here! And Barb's like, Ha ha ha! You get it, Sandy writes! And he's like,

I do! I mean, we just took a couple's trip to Mexico with two other couples. Wow. Wow. I told you about this. I know. I know. I just didn't know it was three sets of couples.

Three sets of couples. Six people who found love. Man, that's wild. And it was mostly what we talked about was like drugs. Because we were also doing drugs. And, I don't know, music. But I don't think we were like, hey, do you guys do this? Does this happen in your set of couples? Then maybe I'll just start observing couples to see what they talk about.

Or just enjoy people's company. Okay. But when do you think you're going to start doing family things where it's families only? Oh, God. Well, give me a timeline so I can get me a family. I don't think we'll ever do that. I don't know. I don't think we'll ever do that.

I don't know. My man also, like, he fantasizes about, like, having a commune where we're going to have, like, our kids run around and we all take care of each other's kids. And, like, it's like a community kind of thing. But not everyone has to have kids on this commune. Do you want to be a part of a commune? It's not a cult. It's just like a, you know, we have a plot of land. I'm rocked

I am shocked my socks have flown off are you on an alligator? I'm well I'm not angry oh okay I'm just shooketh

I did not know that you guys wanted to live on a commune I mean it's not like an official commune it'd just be like we're all living

near each other oh okay neighbors so you're trying to get some neighbors not like an official commune. It'd just be like we're all living near each other. Oh, okay. If like someone Neighbors. So you're trying to get some neighbors. But like planned neighbors.

Like we know these people because they've already been in our lives. And then it's like you know it's like a

you know it takes a village kind of mentality. Is it a gated community? No, I don't think so. Is it? Okay.

To me you know a park? We're not going to be living in a park. We will have homes. There'll be homes, bathrooms, walls. I'm imagining homes around a park where everyone comes in the middle every morning to talk about what they're going to do for the day. Maybe I don't know what a commune is. I mean, that could be one version of it i think it's just i think our idea of it also it may not even happen but it's just like

people we enjoy who we want to keep in our life you're gonna send them an evite to come yeah like you're invited to this commune please rsv yes or no, who are you bringing? So I do have to have a family to bring. You do not have to have a family. Well, you just said that I needed to let you know who I was bringing. If you are bringing someone, bring someone. If not, you could just be there with us. Okay. And then, like, what would my role be if I didn't bring my family because I don't have one?

You could be the babysitter. Wow. You've done it before. Wow. You were a the babysitter wow you've done it before you were a professional babysitter at one point in time wow I cannot believe that a single woman is useless in your commune she is just brushed aside

to take care of the other people who triumphed and had a child no you can be the cook wow this is fat shaming you think because I'm fat who triumphed and had a child. No, you can be the cook. Wow. This is fat shaming. No, okay. You think because I'm fat, I know how to cook. I know you like food.

I love food. So, okay. I don't know how to cook. All right. So you can be the maid. Wow. Wow. This is a hate crime.

Okay. Oh, it's not because you're black. I swear. It's not because you're black. You want me to clean up because I'm black. Okay. Wow. All right. You want me to clean up because I'm black. Okay, all right.

You can be the, you know, when all the wives are out of town, you can have sex with all the men. Great. That's exactly what I want to be. The commune concubine. That's what I want. All the ladies are taking a break from their families, having a girls weekend. I stay behind and suck everyone's dick. Because someone's got to do it.

Ugh, I'll do it. I volunteer as tribute. That's a very old reference from the Hunger Games by Suzanne, Suzanne Summers? Suzanne Doyle. Susan Boyle? Who wrote the Hunger Games, please? Suzanne Doyle Suzanne Susan Boyle? Who wrote

The Hunger Games? Please Suzanne Ah! Suzanne Collins! Okay! Isn't that wild that I knew her

fucking first name? I honestly wasn't expecting that Filled Filled with useless knowledge I don't know things that are helpful

for my actual life but but I, okay, here's what I know. Every adult should have a will. And I just sent you that article. Well, you didn't send me the article. You sent me a screenshot of the article. And now I have to do work on my own to find the article. You could have just sent me the link. Sorry about that. You're like, see, it is important. And it's just the headline. I'm like, cool. I guess I had to figure out where this came from. Sorry.

It's good for every adult to have a will. And I read the article. But also, I already have a will. You do, yeah. And you talk about it a lot. And I tell you about it all the time. Because I keep adding to it. Yeah. And I still don't know if you're about it a lot. And I tell you about it all the time because I keep adding to it. Yeah.

And I still don't know if you're doing it right. No. Because you're adding like instructions, messages. Yeah. Shelly Ruse, the woman in, I like say her name all the time, but it's fine. She's an estate planner. I'm sending business her way, hopefully. If you do use Shelly Ruse to do your estate planning, tell her I sent you.

Me, Nicole Byer. Anyway, so Shelly Ruse was like, Nicole, you can't put instructions for people in your will. And you can't make people do things in order to get things. That's illegal. So then I wrote a will where people have to do things. But, like, they don't get nothing. My sister gets everything. So you just want, like, a scavenger hunt.

Kind of. With my ashes. Oh, no. Everyone who's, like, my best year friend, of course, below you. Yes. Because you're the top. You're my main chick. Yes, bitch.

But everyone has, like has an activity they must do that correlates to me, but they have to do it with my ashes. Great. Yeah. I mean, it does sound fun. It does sound like a fun thing to plan and thing to do.

Right? Because I figure, people are sad when people die. True. Hopefully people will be sad when I die. I think so, yeah. uh they might not be maybe i'll do something real intense before i die who knows yeah i hope not who knows what the future holds who knows who knows but i figure i was like people will be sad but then they'll have to do this like fun activity with me yeah and then they'll have like gone to my funeral where they saw my dead body with googly eyes on it.

That's in my will. Yeah. So that's why I did it. Yeah. You should just have one. So it's just easy for your family. Yes, I should get on that. Maybe I'll hit your person up.

Shelly Ruse. Yeah. I got her number. This is like our first plug is an estate person. And I'm not, we're not getting paid for it. Use this code. Yeah. Use this code. Yeah, use this code. I'ma die soon.

Hashtag BFF. I'd die for you. Oh, boy. Death is an inevitable thing that happens to everybody. Nobody lives forever. Why are we going down this road? Oh, okay. What do you want to talk about?

You don't like it? Well, okay. No, we can talk about death. No, we don't have to. If it's too dark, it's too dark. No, I mean, it doesn't have to be. Death is an inevitable road that we all go down. And we all die alone.

I don't know. I mean go down. We all die alone. I don't know. I mean, some people don't die alone. When your soul leaves your body, your only thing inside of you is you. There may be somebody physical there, but you better get right with the Lord because you're alone. Whoa. Imagine I was a minister and you didn't know it. I'd be so bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Aghast.

Would you ride a crocodile? I would ride a crocodile. You'd be mad? So, okay, this segment is where we take calls and read aloud emails. That's what you chose? You chose a Dormel? Or wait, what is it?

Times? It's Dormel Melody. Yeah, because it's like, ding dong, we're here. And we have our questions. It makes perfect sense. Okay, yeah. I was expecting, I don't know, some cheers or horns or, like, I don't know, something real celebratory.

But no, the derby was good. It was just a little anticlimactic. Okay, well, I really thought... Here, let me try. Okay. Oh, that's not what I thought that was going to sound like. Oh, is it still doing it? Mm-hmm. Whoa, that was crazy. Okay.

Oh, that's oh is it still doing it mm-hmm whoa that was crazy maybe okay oh that's weird oh oh oh my god well you're having too much fun it all happened at the same time did you know that that was i didn't know it was a cacophony okay here we are we're gonna should we do an email or can we do a voicemail first yeah let's do a voicemail i have a question about grown-up friendships what do you guys think about a friend who you know is mad at you and you know why they are mad at you and also they have not told you at all. The only reason you know is because they have conspicuously dropped any future plans you guys

have together and you know that she has made comments to her husband who you are also friends with. So if you have this friend in question, you know she's mad, you know why she's mad, you think the reason she's mad is pretty stupid, but you'd be happy to talk it out, but she is just not bringing it up with you ever and is sort of steaming on her own. Do you feel like it's your obligation to reach out to her, especially if you think she's overreacting? Anyway, happy to know your thoughts. Thanks so much. Okay. So she really confirms that couples do.

Talk about that one person. So my advice is get a family, bitch. No, I'm kidding. Get you a husband so you can talk about her. Do you want to go first? Yeah. I feel this. That's happened to me before.

It sucks because you want to be like, if you know the problem you bring it up just talk to me but if you're aware that there could be a problem you might have to be the bigger person and just say something did she already say if she said something or not she said she has not said anything the only reason why she knows is because the homegirls, like, dropped plans and has spoken to her husband about it. And then that husband is being a little gossipy and came back and told her what was up. Yeah, I think it's totally within reason

to just be like, hey, I feel like the energy's weird. Do you want to talk about something? Instead of, like, because maybe she's not actually mad and something else is going on but you don't have to lay it all out there like alright I think you're mad because of this stupid reason

and maybe you should just get over yourself you can just be like I feel like something's off and then she can either answer honestly and say there is something off we need to talk about this or maybe she'll lie there's so many things that could happen

but you don't know until you bring it up. Yeah, I think it's awesome. I also agree with you. I think it's good to bring it up, especially if you care about the relationship. Yeah. Like, if you don't give a shit, like, let it go, you'll find other people.

This is a big fucking world. But if you care about this person, I think you should sit them down and be like, hey, I care about our friendship. I apologize. If you know the reason also, and actually, no,

do not, do not bring up the reason because it could be a different reason. And then she's like, Oh, now I'm mad about that. Two things now. But yeah, just be like,

I think you're angry with me. Um, can we talk it out just because I, I, I like you and I would like to keep you as a friend. Yeah. And then hopefully she'll be an adult and say, if she says I'm not mad at you, I think you can be like, oh, well, you canceled plans. And I don't know if it was because you were busy and maybe I'm making things up.

My therapist has said when you because it is a confrontation. Yeah. And when you confront people, you need to put the onus on on you so it doesn't feel like you are like aggressively confronting somebody so you're like I feel like maybe I've done something um and I feel this way because you've canceled plans uh but I feel like it's because it's something I did just like keep bringing it back to you yeah and then hopefully it will you guys can talk it out we've had things like that where I was being distant because your boyfriend had moved to town and I was like oh okay they need time to adjust so I'll fall back and then I I said this to my therapist and Mary was like did anyone

say that to you out loud I was like no and she goes why did you think that I was like uh I'm intuitive and she's like you're not you're making things up and I was like no and she goes why did you think that I was like uh I'm intuitive and she's like you're not you're making things up and I was like okay then I called you and you were like oh so that's what you were doing yeah I thought you were mad at me and I was like no not at all yeah truly because I was you were like distant and like I don't know we hadn't talked for maybe a week and it wasn't that long but it was honestly for us probably four days yeah it was long for us and i was like this is weird and i was like i wonder if she's like i don't know i'll just feel it out also like both of us were traveling so i was like maybe she's just busy i'll just

give her some time no just literally in my home being a lunatic yeah being like well can't call her also i also got uh a clue because you were hanging out with people who are not our friends you were like oh yeah i got dinner with so-and-so and i'm like why i was like is she trying to find new friends or something what's going on nicole what did you do well i took a sewer rat out for dinner why did you do that well because your boyfriend's in town and I gotta make a new friend so I went to a sewer

scooped up a rat and I took him to Cafe Gratitude and guess what he was gracious and we're gonna go on a double date with you and your boyfriend yeah now I'm dating the sewer rat I mean that's a step up from people I have dated.

Let's get another voicemail. Hi, Nicole and Tashier. This is fun. So I had a best friend in high school, like most people. And we had a falling out because she, again, like most most people and uh we had a falling out because she again like most people has a stupid fucking husband who's a dumb asshole and we got in a fight over him about 10 years ago and then we stopped talking didn't talk this whole time and she sends me a message on Facebook, and I don't know what to do. So she says, oh, I'm so sorry. I took advantage of our friendship, and I didn't really realize how much weight that it held in my life and blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, I really deeply loved this person for a long time. And so it's kind of been cathartic talking to her but do we just go back to normal now like she's got two whole ass kids i don't ever think i'll ever meet like that we just have such different lives we live in different states she's like a kindergarten teacher or some shit like do we have anything in common still is this worth the emotional labor i don't know i'm stoned oh i love how she talks love her she's great got two full-ass kids um i want to be her friend she's great that's great. Here's the thing. That's really tricky. Yeah.

I think, again, if... It sounds like she doesn't give a shit about this woman. I don't... I actually didn't... I didn't glean that. Glean?

Who's glean? Like, I didn't observe, receive... That's what glean means? I think so, yeah. I've been out here gleaning on some shit. You always be gleaning, girl. Yes. Ooh, all right. So what's what glean means? I think so, yeah. I've been out here gleaning on some shit. You always be gleaning, girl.

Yes. All right. So what'd you glean? Well, what I gleaned was that she does care about this person. Like, they did love each other. She was upset about being, I guess, cast away to the side. The fight that they had that initially broke up their friendship in the first place. And it sounds like the conversation they had on Facebook was cathartic.

I don't think they can go back to where it was because so much has happened since their friendship. It's very big of the other person to even reach out and say, yes, I realized that I was taking advantage of our friendship and I didn't realize how much it meant to us and how much the breakup meant to me so it's like that's very very cool that you reached out in the first place and said something and that they're talking and that it's nice and I don't think there even has to be an idea of what will happen you just take it day by day step by step it's you know, if you want to reach out and talk to that person, do it. If you want to arrange a hangout, try it.

But you don't have to be like, well, I guess we have to try to be best friends again because maybe that's not where either of you are right now. You both have grown and changed over years and your lives are different. But I don't think because she has kids and did she say she's still married to that person? She said that she loved that person. So I don't know if they like broke up or they're still together. She just said something interesting to me. She was like, is it worth the emotional labor?

And that to me makes me feel like she has thought it out. She was like to rekindle a friendship is emotional labor, because I think when you have a falling out with a friend somebody reaches out years have passed yeah you are like well can we you know pick up where we left off or is it really like rebuilding this relationship and I think it is more times out of more times than not it is rebuilding from like zero yeah and that is a lot of work because there is so much history, but you are starting at a zero. Yeah. Also, you live in different states.

She's got, you know, full ass kids. I don't know if you only have half ass kids or full ass kids or what your deal is. But I think it's only worth it if it brings you joy. Yeah. I think if it doesn't bring you joy, then like you gotta, you can't. You gotta just say thank you for reaching out. Yeah. And then like, I don't think you joy then like you gotta you can't you gotta just say thank you for reaching

out yeah um and then like i don't think you should stop communication but just like know that you're not going to be the person who reaches out yeah is whatever feels good if if responding to her and reaching out feels good do that if not saying anything feels good do that but you don't have to do anything just because you had have this history um but if it feels right go for it but i can also understand feeling like a lot of emotional labor because it is because i've tried to rekindle friendships where time has passed and i've realized we're just two separate people than we were when we were friends. And it was like hard to find just like common ground where they would say something and I'd be like, I truly don't identify that with that at all. So I get it.

Yeah. That's a tough one. I had a friend who we were really close for years and then we kind of drifted apart. Not even like, it wasn't even like a fight or like we disagreed about things. It was just like maybe time or like we disagreed about things. It was just like maybe time or growing apart or whatever. And then we kind of came back. But then like she just became a different friend in my brain.

So I was like, oh, she doesn't serve me in these ways anymore because she stopped serving me in those ways. She's now this kind of friend. She's the friend I call when I want to go to dinner randomly on this day or she's a friend that I call when I I don't know just want to like talk for 30 minutes but not the friend that I need to like be my everything or like who I asked about relationship advice like she's just like different now so she can be a different friend just if that's okay with both of you she doesn't have to be the best friend again i've never thought of that friends that give you different things yeah i think it's because i have a very small circle of people that i like talk to on a daily basis or like a weekly basis then i'm like give me everything i need which might be bad. I might be doing

friendships wrong. I don't think so. I think it's whatever you want. I might be a bad. Because I also feel like I have a small circle. But it's in that small circle different people have

different things. Like you're the king. Yes, I am. I'm a big dick swinging king who wears a crown, baby. And I have a bit of a limp because it's heavy.

Like you, yeah, you're truly the only friend I call, text, Instagram. You're the only person I have constant communication with. And then there's other people who I have frequent communication with, but it's just different. And we talk about different things or whatever. And then there's people where it's like, we don't talk that much at all, but you're cool to travel with. And we can do that. Or you're great to, like, go dancing with. And you're my nighttime friend.

You're my brunch friend. You know, like, I have different those. I guess I do, too. I don't know what I'm talking about. Because, you know, you have some friends that you're like, I love getting brunch with you, but I would never go party with you. No, no. Yeah. Because you're not fine.

Exactly. You go to sleep on the dance floor. If you want to leave us an email or a voicemail, you can email Nicole and Sashir at gmail.com. That's gmail.com. And that's funny. You thought that was the thing that needed to be spelled? Like, not our names or anything? N-I-C-O-L-E.

The word and. A-N-D. And then it's a sheer name. S-A-S-H-E-E-R at gmail.com. Yeah. And then we have a voicemail number. It's 424-645-7-2boobies-3. Two boobies is zeros.

Seven zeros is three. Have you ever heard someone say a number like that? Two boobies? I've never heard that. Me either. I hope it catches on. like that, two boobies? I've never heard that.

Me either. I hope it catches on. It's funny when you hear someone say a word and then spell it. Like, you know when you say like N as in Nancy

or B as in boy. Mm-hmm. Like the words that they use to say the letters. Mm-hmm. I feel like it's indicative of their personality. Okay, spell your name

by doing that. Oh, man. S as in snake. Mm-hmm. A as doing that. Oh, man. S as in snake. Mm-hmm. A as in apple. Mm-hmm. S as in snake. Mm-hmm.

H as in hello. Mm-hmm. E as in elephant. Mm-hmm. E as in elephant. R as in race car. So I would say about you, you read the Bible because of apples and snakes and God created elephants and created man who created race cars.

Wow. Okay. You love Jesus. You fucking Jesus freak. I can't help it. All right. You do yours. Okay.

N as in nasty. I as in incontinent. C as in Carl. O as in Carl. O as in orgasm. L as in la la la la la la la. E as in eeeee. E as in elated.

What does that say about me? That you're fully insane. Wow. That was good. That was so good. Yes. Thank you, Sasheer. Thank you to everyone who called, too, right?

Yeah, thank you for everyone who called and emailed. We'll get to emails on another episode. And that's been it for us. Thank you, Nicole. Oh, thank you for thanking me well and thank you for accepting the thanks and thanking me wow i feel full of thanks good night sashir we have matching we have matching tattoos that say goodnight world. Because when I lived in LA and you lived in New York, we would talk for hours. And it would usually be very late.

And we would end it with... Goodnight world. Goodnight. Alright. No, goodnight Nicole. Goodnight world. Right? Was it goodnight world?

Goodnight Nicole. Goodnight world would be first. Oh, was it? I think. Goodnight world. Goodnight Sashir. Maybe it was goodnight... No, maybe their names first. Goodnight Sash? Goodnight, Nicole. Goodnight world be first. Oh, was it? I think. Goodnight world. Goodnight, Sashir. Maybe it was goodnight. No, maybe their names first.

Goodnight, Nicole. Goodnight, world. No, wait. Oh, no. Goodnight, Sashir. Goodnight. Goodnight, world. Oh, wait.

Maybe that was it. Goodnight, world. Goodnight. What did you say? Goodnight, Sashir. Goodnight, world. No. I think maybe it was goodnight world first.

Goodnight, world. Goodnight, Nicole. Goodnight, world. Goodnight, Sashir. Yeah. Honestly, Nicole. Goodnight World. Goodnight, Sashir. Yeah. Honestly, I do not remember. It was like the minute we got the tattoos, we forgot how to do it. We just never did it again.

Nope. We truly never did it again. We were like, it's on us. We're always saying goodnight. And it's pretty bleak, too. People think it's like a suicide pact. People have asked me, they're like, what does goodnight world mean? I'm like, oh, that, like, when I'm dead, you can read it.

Yeah, it does. Wait. Goodnight world. Goodnight, Sashir. Goodnight world. Goodnight, Nicole. That feels good, yeah. Bye.