Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata - Sasheer Looks Like an Elegant Tennis Ball

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Happy Birthday Sasheer! This week, Nicole and Sasheer discuss how much Sasheer loves her gift from Nicole, if “Cynthia” is lying to Sasheer, Nicole’s desire to visit the insurrection monument (the capitol building), a man who yelled at a baby on a plane, and more. We debut a new segment - “Is this weird?” - where listeners send us things they do that their friends and family think are odd/unusual; such as friendship tiers and sleeping naked except for socks. Finally, we get an update on our listener who didn’t want to invite her best friend’s husband to her birthday, and help a listener on how to talk to a boss with a bad dog.  Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions/ “Is this weird” suggestion at:[e-mail] Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/friends and code FRIENDS.

So, Shere, your birthday came and went. It's May 10th. It sure did. And boy, was it a good one. Thanks so much for the gift you got me. Oh, no problem. I searched high and low and and i said what can i get my dearest friend we're not going to tell anyone what it is because it's it was a surprise to you it was a surprise but boy was it expensive it was so expensive i have to sell all of my belongings now. I'm deep into debt because I got you the most expensive present for your birthday. I can't believe it.

Wait, so, Shira, have you had a dog? A hot dog? Yeah. Oh, I was like, have I had a dog in my life? Have I owned a dog? I see. Have I had any of the hot dogs that you sent me? Yes.

Okay. So, all right. This is, I don't know if they're still good because there was a period of time when my fridge wasn't working because the power was out in my house. And they're still in the freezer, but I'm scared. Don't eat those dirty dogs. They've been tainted. I think they're dirty dogs now.

Oh, no. How sad. I know. I was actually really, really sad because it's a lot of Nathan's ballpark hot dogs. And I love that. And I didn't even get one yet. Well, maybe for your next birthday you'll get more nathan yeah i'm i have a freezer ready for them they are now it now works god that's so devastating i know yeah it was a bummer i was like because yeah i think i told you the parts of the only parts of the house were affected by the power being out and the fridge

was one i was like oh well i have food in there anyway and i was like the hot dogs not my hot dog not the dogs i'm so sorry your dogs were affected yeah yeah the sweater you're wearing where is it from urban outfitters i have this is a pandemic bag i had a very similar one it was pink but it made me feel too much like a round towel yeah i definitely this is green and i look like a tennis ball yes but an elegant tennis ball oh my god thank you you're welcome you are so welcome i gotta say you were in la for a nice chunk of time, and then you had to go right back to Atlanta. Yeah. But I got some good, like, home stuff done.

I went to the dentist. How did it go? And it hurt. What did they do? What did they do to you? They scratched me up. They scratched my mouth up. They scratched your mouth up? They did a cleaning. It's like what they they do to you they scratched me up they scratched my mouth up you know like they scratched your mouth up they they did a cleaning it's like what they're supposed to do

but it always hurts and then the dentist is like you okay and i'm like how am i supposed to answer that question no i'm not okay you're invading my space and you're hurting me but like also nothing else can change about the situation so you just so so yes, I'm fine, I guess. Just keep doing what you're doing. Mm hmm. You'd think they'd like, OK, we're in 2023. Right. You would think that there was better ways to wash our fucking teeth than going to a dentist and they use metal on your fucking teeth bones.

Right. That feels wrong. It does feel wrong. and i don't know i'm not going to dentist school i don't have the time but i feel like the ones who have gone should have come up with something better you know how like at a car wash they use uh them little scrubby guys how come they don't use that in our mouth and then eventually the like the spinny brushy thingies eventually do they it feels like they buff your teeth at the end but there's a moment where they're just like scraping scraping with the

um needle thing yeah i feel like i black out at the dentist. I, like, get lockjaw and really tense. And they're like, hey, honey, like, loosen up. And I'm like, I can't. You're trying to kill me. The next time I get a cleaning, I'm going to ask for laughing gas. I can't do this anymore. I've had too much mouth trauma. Although, I don't think they want you laughing. Because you'll just have a laughing fit.

I don't remember laughing so last time i got laughing gas i was like and then i woke up in the hallway with the lady giving me magazines going here are the magazines you requested so i guess i you requested magazines at the dentist i said i need these magazines i guess i do not know um i'm done talking about dentistry me too over it i want to give him the time of day what's in the box next to you what's in the box um so i ordered a new fridge and it's the kind of fridge where you can put different colored panels on the front of it. Mm-hmm. And I freaking ordered navy blue.

Yes. And it showed up. And it looked like gunmetal. It looked like grayish, like kind of black. And I was like, this is not blue. If I wanted, because it also just looks like a regular fridge now. It's like a regular fridge option. If I wanted that, I just get a different fridge.

This one has the option of different colors. I wanted blue. It's not blue. So now I don't know what to do. And I need to contact the company and be like, do you actually have a blue? Like it looks like on the website. Are you lying to me? I would like you to

say that to a customer service representative i would love to hear you say do you have blue or are you lying to me you like ma'am cynthia are you lying to me yet i told you my name was cynthia and i said i was trying to help you to the best of my ability i'm not really affiliated with the company and the products that get sent out. Would you like to return it? Cynthia, have you been gaslighting me this whole time? Ma'am, this is the first time we're speaking. And your tone, honestly, your tone is pretty terrible.

And I'm going to put a note on your account for no one to ever help you. Cynthia, is this note part of the web of lives that you've created in our relationship? You're not in a relationship, ma'am. I do not know you. And I really regret telling you my name is Cynthia. Cynthia, I'm going to ask all your friends and family if this is a pattern of behavior. Oh, my God. You're going to dox me, which is a word I just learned about.

I didn't know what doxing was. Yeah, what dox... Is it short for something? Doximation? I don't know. That word I made up. Oh, okay. I was like, I never heard that word before.

Or like documents? Kimmy's on the case. Oh, maybe it is like releasing the documents or like leaking the documents i see damn huh i just can't imagine being like this person made me mad so i'm gonna tell everybody where they live it's really horrible yeah and basically like scary actually it is scary and it's like why would you waste your time? Like, I have a life, you know? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I can't be June Dat. Can't. No, thank you. Can't. No, thank you. I went to Washington, D.C. over, like, a cut, like, last weekend, two weekends ago or whatever. This is maybe my third time in dc

i still have not seen any history i haven't seen the white house i haven't seen like capitol hill i wanted to go to the insurrection monument where where did that happen the capital it's not a monument but it's a building where it happened oh no i don't want to call it the insurrection monument no they can't have that no was it the capital building is that where it happened yeah i went to visit the insurrection uh building and i didn't make it there um i didn't make it anywhere i did go to two thrift stores though and I bought a zebra vase a duck vase a piggy bank a weird cup with flowers on it

that I was like I don't know what I'm going to do with it but I put my toothbrush in it I bought jeans with big grommet holes on the side that I had been searching for I specifically wanted jeans with giant grommet holes on the side that I had been searching for. I specifically wanted jeans with giant grommet holes so I could either lace in some fabric or let my skin breathe.

I haven't decided what option I'm going with. Place keep you posted. Oh, I will keep you posted. And they were in my size. I couldn't believe it. And then I got a bunch of very ugly shirts. One is purple with hats on it. One is like purple and blue and leopard print.

One looks like a child made it. Like I bought so much to the point where I was like, do I have to buy another suitcase? But you better believe your girl shoved everything in her bag. Oh, amazing. I really thought the zipper was gonna break did you have like a suitcase and a backpack i had a suitcase and a backpack in my purse so i put my um i put all the breakable stuff on top of my backpack and then placed my purse on

top of it gingerly and then truly had to like tiptoe down the fucking jet way so my shit didn't topple out and and then i snored and farted the whole way home and like i'm no longer self-conscious about farting on the plane i'm like i'm helping it go i'm giving it gas a flight i was on recently i guess we were waiting for gas oh and the pilot told us that i don't need that much information i don't need the pilot tell me everything that's happening with the plane everything that's happening with the control towers i don't just just tell me when we're leaving because otherwise i might get concerned like he was like we're waiting for gas we keep asking for gas but they won't give us the gas.

And we need thousands of gallons of gas. And I was like, thousands of gallons? Are we going to be here for hours pumping gas? Then he was like, maybe two minutes later, he's like, oh, they're bringing the gas. And thousands of gallons sounds like

a lot, but it's going to take like 10 minutes. And I was like, why did you phrase it that way? Why did you tell us any of the information? I wouldn't have noticed. We're still boarding. Why did you tell us that? You were still boarding when he was like, we're waiting for gas? I'm pretty sure or like settling in, but it wasn't like so much time had passed that we were like, what?

What's going on here? Why haven't we taken up? I was not concerned. He gave me unneeded information. And now I was like, God, thousands of gallons. Yeah, your plane was on E. It was on empty. Yeah, but how did it get here?

Also, how do you get in a cockpit and go, wait, we ain't got no gas? It's a plane it should come gassed up what are we doing what are the airlines doing also did you see that man screaming about that baby oh my god yes so sheer i'm on the side of the man because that baby was not screaming when he was screaming so something could have been done and i i know people are like kids have to be in public and he needs to be an adult but when that man said when the flight attendant said sir you're yelling and he says so is the baby did that motherfucker pay more to yell i said that man is a hero so it's the baby he's my favorite person i think he should get unlimited flights

and then i loved his companion i assume is his wife who was just like please she was like stop it just please stop just stop it people are filming but i wonder what led up to it what was like did he tell the mom shut this kid up like what how did we get here i don't know kimmy can you google what led to that man screaming i also i'm just like i don't think we're collectively okay no like just people screaming at babies on planes people just acting wild on planes I watched a video of a woman calling another woman a river rat as she was getting off the plane oh my god and she said why'd you glue your wig down with Elmer's glue Get off the plane. And I don't know what led up to her screaming at this woman, but everyone clapped when she got off the plane.

Oh, my God. Everyone is just wiling out. Yeah. It's wild. We don't really know how to be in public anymore. No, we were inside for too long, and everyone's being very poorly behaved. I think so.

Yeah. Did that motherfucker pay more to cry? Which is iconic. And honestly, if they pay more, cry, you know? If the baby's paying just as much as me, if not a little bit more, I guess you could cry. But that baby don't got a job. No.

Unless it's a model. No. But also. Unless it's a model. I get some babies do have jobs. Isn't that funny? It is funny. Some babies do have jobs. I actually saw a quote from John Stamos from Full House. And he was saying he couldn't stand the Olsen twins crying.

So he told the producers, producers like get rid of them and so they like got rid of the olsen twins and then brought in two redhead babies but i guess they are maybe more annoying so john was like fine bring the olsen twins back how funny yeah oh kimmy found it um basically said it was the plane already was having some issues. They were supposed to be landing, I think, in Fort Lauderdale, but there was weather. So it was really bumpy and uncomfortable for everyone. And it caused the baby to start crying. So everyone's already tense. And they couldn't get out of their seats because of the turbulence.

And then just apparently just out of nowhere, this other passenger in the video basically said shut that baby up and it just escalated and they finally had landed in orlando and then we're gonna wait a minute and head to fort lauderdale i think and apparently they were like but they landed in orlando being like this man is yelling us to get off this plane he's like i refuse you're getting off or everyone is getting deplaned. And he was like, that one. And so everyone had to get off this plane with him. And then he got taken to the authorities. Then everyone got back on the plane.

It sounds like. Oh my God. This man's a minute. That is so wild. He made everyone get off the plane for him? Same result was going to happen for him. Yeah, you still weren't going to the next location whenever it's like either you get off or everybody and they're like everybody i'm like well why why did they why did this badly behaved person get the option this is a good point do you

know why are we giving them the option why aren't we just dragging them off the plane. Yes, be like United. Drag their ass off the plane. Drag their ass off the fucking plane. Oh, my Lord. How funny. I still feel bad about that guy who got dragged off. Because it was like an older man, wasn't it? Yeah, and I don't remember why he got dragged off. He seemed like kind of lost. Or like, he kind of seemed out of it or

something he was confused and maybe he didn't speak english or something and then some security guy just yanked him out of the seat boy oh boy i'm glad i go right cocktail my flight attendant on the way back he was like how strong do you want it and i was like i guess strong and he said good girl and i was like oh and then he just gave me a cup of vodka i wanted a vodka soda and there was no soda to be had but i did drink that and pass right out real good for the whole dang flight i think flight attendants may also forget that you have a day to have after you get off the plane it's not like this is it it's like you have more life to live after you get off the plane nope the plane is my life and i'm done living thank you delta to the sky i went never back to land yeah you're just partying on the plane on my way to dc i had one vodka soda

and he was trying to give me another one and i was like oh i have to do shows later i can't yeah i can't get hammered on the plane and then roll up to the fucking DC improv and be like, I don't know who I am. Yeah, you had to be able to speak at least. Just a little bit. Yeah. Those shows were fun. Oh, good. I was going to say we had to plan our Vegas trip.

We got to get to Vegas. We got to see Usher. Yes. We got to see Adelele even though we don't understand how to get Adele tickets don't know somebody to help us when are we going

June June yeah June June I can't wait I haven't been to vegas in a minute and i do love vegas i do love it's pretty nasty i pretty much only do shows there but it's a great place for shows what else would you do in vegas gamble that is what it is yes that people yeah okay every hotel is a casino

yeah i don't know how i fucking forgot about that i was like vegas is like the broadway of the west coast you just see shows magic whatever oh we should see a magic show i would die to see a magic show oh my god imagine if we go to a magic show and they disappear me but what if you don't come back i will i have to you can't just disappear me forever that's true yeah they have to end the trick but i mean what a way to go host of nailed it beloved by everyone disappeared in vegas by magician never to be seen again like wait was she lost no she was on stage thousands of people saw her and then she disappeared and right before she disappeared she went oh i can't wait to go oh it seemed like it was a choice yay bye bye oh i yeah i just like want to be involved in a magic show

i fucking love magic yeah i feel like i'm well aware it's not magic it's like illusion the trickery of it but i still get really excited all the time yeah and i refuse to say that it's not magic it is because i can't do it yeah yeah someone recently did a magic trick for me and i was delighted i wish i could remember who it was but i turned in know yeah i ate it up some got some random person at a bar in atlanta was like you want to see magic tricks and i was like yes and he just did a bunch of like like up close magic and i was like this is the best day of my life this is the best i was like calling people over like you gotta get a load of this and these other adults were like it's it's nice and i was like but look at the tricks okay people who are not into magic i think are not happy people i think they're sad motherfuckers

who don't like fucking joy and shit and they should fucking get a grip and get into the magic get a grip get a grip get into the magic come on yeah did you see prestige do you know that was a movie that came out at the same time as like another magic movie yeah what was that one i can't remember prestige the illusionist yeah i think so yeah prestige had hugh jackman and then the other one i think had uh the man from fight club who's like don't talk about it uh edward norton yeah don't talk about it that was their rule they only had one rule of fighting to talk to talk about it oh did you hear about that teacher who basically had a fight club in her

classroom yes and i'm obsessed they put her in jail and i was like come on they were interested in school they were excited to go to school you know they were excited to fight in front of the teacher they're like i have to go to school because i have to fight i had to fight jessica today and jessica deserves it what do you think drives a teacher to being like i want to start a fight club at school i mean my best case scenario brain is saying maybe these kids were fighting anyway and like getting expelled and so she's like look if you're gonna do it anyway do it during this hour in this in this space don't film it don't tell anyone about it and i think there was like a like a timing thing i think it was only like you get like two minutes or something like that or like or like maybe it's

shorter hopefully shorter um so it's like you do damage but not so much that someone actually like dies or like gets seriously hurt so it's like get it out of your system and then you're done which honestly i mean they really should have done some like they should have run stats. Like, did fights go down? Did, let's see. Kimmy said, some sixth grade students at Griffin Middle School near Tallahassee, Florida. Of course, it's Florida. Told authorities their teacher asked two girls

if they wanted to come back during her sixth period for a rematch. Okay, so maybe that should not happen. That's actually, you should be asking kids to come back to fight more. It's like, hey, you didn't really get what you needed out of that fight. You want to come back and fuck her up? Oh, my God.

But I wonder if, like, fighting outside of the classroom went down. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I like what you were saying. They should run stats. Like, did the rate of fighting decrease? Because they were like, look, I have a concentrated time on when I can fight. I'm not going to come find you after school.

Because we can do that during fourth period. Yeah, we don't have to read Beowulf. We get to fight. Or do they do both? Or do they, like, have maybe 30 minutes of talking about baleful and they're like okay for the last 30 we're not gonna we're gonna fight who has a grievance they need to bring to the floor who's got beef that's funny my god school's wild i'm so glad i'm not in school anymore it seems like too much me too yeah especially now it was like just

too many ways to communicate with each other it blows my mind like imagine leaving school and being like ah phew I'm away from all these people who like look too pretty I don't even know if they like me and then they're like on my Instagram being like you fucking idiot you're like oh yeah they don't like me I I don't want that that's bad but it seems like i've seen headlines that say that more kids are are choosing to have dumb phones like phones that are not smartphones like the old nokia phones and stuff and flip flip flip phones to like decrease their amount of social media and like access to the internet which sounds great honestly smart wait do i should i do that i'm i mean love not zoning out and looking at instagram i'll find i'll find another way so do i but i just waste time i kind of wish there i've had

the thought of like, you know how on, when you FaceTime someone that there's like a corner box of you, like you could see yourself. That should just always be there. So when I'm scrolling on Instagram, I'm like, Oh,

look at how stupid I look. And I should, so I could just get off and be like, Oh, I should go live my life. What am I doing? I've wasted so much time. You're right.

Cause we do look stupid just looking down at our phones maybe i will get one of those little nokias i want a blackberry i miss my blackberry i loved my blackberry yeah wait do they still make blackberries this i don't know kimmy kimmy we gotta know do they still make a blackberry i liked all of the old blackberries they came out the blackberry pearl and everybody loved it and i was like no i don't want a camera on my black i was that person i was like i don't want a camera on my phone i have i have my digital fucking camera for pictures i don't need it on my phone i'm like an old woman and i've been like this my whole life

i don't like change yeah that would be the drawback of not having an iphone is that it has a really good camera on it yeah but then i guess you just get a camera but i'm not gonna carry a camera yeah who's carrying a camera and a fucking BlackBerry? I don't have pockets for that. I don't have any sort of pockets. I don't have pockets at all in my outfit today. Especially when I'm with those grommets. No, I'll slide right out.

Okay, BlackBerry was a brand of smartphones. Oh, on September 28th, i'll have to celebrate this year blackberry limited announced it would cease designing its own blackberry devices in favor of lights licensing to partners to design so maybe some other company can license it and design the same kind of thing blackberry itself will no longer make BlackBerrys. Okay. But can I still get a BlackBerry? Someone might make them.

If this becomes popular, people are buying older type phones. Someone might scoop that idea up. I would love my BlackBerry again. Mm-hmm. And I had this old Samsung flip phone for a really long time yeah i loved it yeah they're fun to snap oh when i was making a point i'd be like oh and you're done always making points and just one more thing about blackberry it looks like they decommissioned the infrastructure and services used by their software and phone operating systems looks like they've pretty much fully gone down it seems like

they've specialized in like secure technology so i think they have like secure phones for probably people who need their stuff extra careful for drug dealers yes basically um and they do like programs and apps and stuff it doesn't look look like actual hardware and like phones and stuff. I could be wrong though. Someone's email, if you know or own a BlackBerry email, let us know. Yeah, let us know if you still have a BlackBerry. Is this weird so we put a call out on social media we said what is something that your friend does that you find weird and then so shara and i are gonna read them and then go or listen to

them depending on how you sent them in and then we're gonna decide whether or not your friend's fucking weird yeah we've done this before like not in this format but like when we talked about bras like like putting on bra like front to back or spinning them or over the shoulder which i still don't understand. And many things like this. So, yeah, we're going to see if we can talk about things that people do that might be a little different. Every time I put on my bra, I think about people twisting them, and I'm like, the level of work you're doing. My God.

I just, like, can't. I don't know. I just am not confident in buckling it the right way behind my back. I hardly ever miss loops. Okay. This person said, hello there, Nicole, Sashir, Kimmy on the keys and Jordan in the booth. My name is something and boy, do I have one for you. Up top, I love you all.

And I'm always waiting around for your next installment for some fun serotonin-releasing giggles. So my friends think I'm weird because I have friendship tears from A-prime all the way down to D. D-tier are like friends that are ones that I will listen to and be empathetic to their lives, but it doesn't make a difference to me

what's actually happening. They make me happy, but they never have the ability to make me sad i don't know c-tier are frenemies care enough about them because usually i need to know i'm doing better than them but i genuinely wish them well this year also includes the friends that i have generally met at work or met in my undergrad years. They don't know the current person I am, but they have a distant perception of me or one that has been code switched to hell. B-tier friends are usually friends I have met at church or have transcended the boundaries of undergrad or different jobs. I will usually keep my catching up lunch or dinner plans with them, and I will invest in how they are doing. Some of these friends are old roommates or ones that I have been in their weddings in some way, shape, or form. Really good friends that don't make it

to best friend status, but when we get together, it's like no time has passed at all. Now to the best friends level. A subprimeime these friends are definitely here for the long haul we may grow distant we may grow apart but the love in our friendship will never fade usually at least five plus years of invested interest in their lives and they have been support beams when i needed it or vice versa i will drive miles to get to them out of whatever ordeal they are in and if they need help in a legal sitch, I would highly consider perjuring myself on the stand. No guarantees, though. These friends will definitely be in my wedding.

A prime. The tippity top. These hoes know who they are. All six. My writer dies. My day ones, as the gen zers say these bitches uh parentheses using the colloquial way of a good friend already know that it is uh what it is to deal with my wild and slightly mentally ill ass they know what presence i like they know what

advice i need and when and they never pity me on anything. They are the first people I go to with the real tea and the last people on earth I would ever consider hurting, which I would never. They are all a part of my will, and my mama might as well have pushed them out of her batch. I have told all my friends this, and they say, bitch, why? And I say, because it's fun to know your place. Oh, my God. And I say because it's fun to know your place.

Oh, my God. I even gave them a card when they graduated to A-prime from sub-prime. Oh, my God. Hope this brought you some joy and helps guide you to where to categorize your friend groups in your life, if that's your thing. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean.

I guess I also have those people in my life. I just never thought about categorizing it like that. Yeah, me either. I just know like these are my super close friends. These are close friends. These are acquaintances. These are acquaintances. These are bitches I don't fuck with. It is funny to have that and to like write it down or like have it really sorted out.

The weird thing is giving a card to your friends who have graduated. Yes. I mean, I hope that's the only card. I hope it's not like you get a card from going from d to c and they're like oh cool i guess you'll kind of like care a little bit more about my stories i yeah i think the card is a little weird specifically because if someone gave me that card and i already thought we were close i'd be, oh, so we're not as close as I thought we were. Yeah, it's like, now you are, but then you're like, but I thought we always were.

Yeah, it's very funny, though. It's really funny. I'm going to give it a half weird. Yeah, I guess, I mean, there's no a half weird. Yeah, I guess. I mean, there's no harm in it. No. Yeah. I don't think so.

It's just a little weird. It's just like more thought than I would put into it for sure. Yeah, I'll say half weird as well. That's funny. Is there another one? Yes, another. This one, I think, brings up an old conversation we've already had but i felt like it was worth it oh this person's a weirdo okay i'll die on this motherfucking hill

i don't wear pjs to bed but i will often wear socks just fully nude with thick woolly socks especially in but not limited to winter time it feels cozy and i like it you are weird nah i do that i did it last night naked butt ass naked except for socks my toesies get cold but nothing else that is the grossest thing I've ever heard of in my whole life. Just fucking trapping the heat in your feet. Funky feet while you sleep. I don't know. But like my toes do get really particularly cold. But the rest of me gets hot.

Get a blanket. There's a blanket on my entire body but get a second blanket and put it on them tootsies but what if i roll around or if i shrink and i curl up in a little ball and my knees are to my chest and my toes are now away from the blanket that i had set at the bottom of the bed i don't know but being fully naked just in socks is the most horrific thing i've ever heard i it's a horror movie it is frightening um i that's my get out if anybody ever gets in bed with me naked in just socks i gotta go i'm so sorry well you wear a hat and a full sweatsuit to bed as if you're about to get up and rob somebody at 3 a.m. Maybe I am.

Maybe I'm getting ready for something. You're like, I got to get a quick couple hours and I'm going to pop up, get ready to rob. The hat is in case I don't have a bonnet. I want my hair covered. And I go to sleep in clothes in case I have to do something in the morning that I don't. Okay. So last night I went to sleep in a sports bra and leggings because I had a workout in the morning. And I just, my little ADHD brain will stay in bed until the last possible second, staring at things, talking to my dog.

And then I'm like oh shit it's 10 a.m i have to get out of bed and go work out with ben so i just dress for the event i honestly that is smart that is smart thank you i'm just trying to really help my brain because it's it's tough in these streets trying to do shit with ad. Yeah. I also need to put a bra on pretty quickly after I get up. Otherwise, I feel like in sleepy, relaxed mode for until I do. And when I have a bra on, for some reason, it's like, okay, time to do anything. Literally anything. Do something.

I don't understand how people don't wear bras all the time. I get titty sweat. Do you not get titty sweat? Sometimes, yeah. And that's comfortable for you? I guess not comfortable, but I guess not so uncomfortable that I'm like, I don't know, living a bad life. I can just like wipe it away and then move on.

I guess, but then i'm like it's come back and it never comes when i'm wearing a bra same yeah i think eventually then i am like time to put a bra on i don't want to sweat like this anymore that's why i sleep in a bra and pants i'm not trying to sweat i wear my three-piece suit. I'm not trying to sweat. I wear my three-piece suit because who knows? Someone might propose to me. Gotta be ready for my wedding. I might have a job interview at 4 a.m.

Who knows? You don't know when jobs happen. If it's out of the country, it might be daytime for them, nighttime for me. This is true. This is true. It's so funny. I haven't been on a job interview. Well, I mean, auditions are job interviews. nighttime for me this is true this is true so funny i haven't been on a job interview well i

mean auditions are job interviews but i haven't sat across the desk from someone in a long time where i'm like i'm a good fit for your company because i love the company and i'll work good like i never knew what to say like i was so bad at interviewing yeah i hate when they have questions they're like what's your like biggest weakness or whatever and i'm like i don't do you really want to know that why did i tell you that yeah it's like what do you want me to say that i fall too hard for people and make up fantasies for us to date and then it doesn't work out like what do you want to know also this is a tgi friday it's like my greatest weakness you don't need to know that i'm gonna wear my stripes

and fucking pins and i'm gonna serve people uh fucking chicken tenders okay that's what i came here to do yeah also i'm late everywhere but i'm not gonna tell you that why i tell you i'm not telling you that's no you're gonna find out yes you're gonna find out a couple months in and feel real bad when you don't want to fire me because I'm a good time. I have to trick you. I did interview to work at TGI Fridays and they didn't hire me. And to this day,

I will not go to a TGI Fridays. I will go to a Dumb Chili's. I will go to a Dumb Chain restaurant. I'll go to a fucking Hula Hands. I am not going to a TGI motherfucking fridays wow did they say why they didn't hire you or you just never heard back so sheer i went to an open call to work at tgi fridays in the upper east side of new york city where the line was out the door

up the stairs around the corner and then we had to meet with these managers and they were like what's your greatest weakness and i was like nothing i am perfect and they're like have you waited tables before never in my whole life but i'll be really good at it and they said you won't get out and they kicked me down the stairs what and i was like foul play for people who look like referees foul play so mad i didn't get hired all i wanted was to make a ton of money waiting tables yeah you did eventually yeah and i didn't make a ton of money i made okay money yeah well look who's laughing now look at at us now, TGI Fridays. Fuck you, unless you want to do ads. And in which case, I take everything back.

I love a jalapeno popper. We can be bought. We can be bought. I really can. You know? Just a little ad here and there give it to me let's help people because i believe the children are our future. Let them live and let them lead the way. I belong for children, bad and genius and science. Perfect.

Yeah. All right. I have an update. Do we remember how we had a caller who was in a difficult position because they wanted to have a birthday party, but they didn't want to invite their best friend's husband because the husband had said derogatory comments about the LGBTQ community in the past? Yes. All right. We just heard back from them. So hi, Becky's. I'm the one who's the birthday lesbian who called in a while ago. I figured I'd give an update. The party was a smash.

We did a basically like a gay college rush experience. So everyone came dressed up like, you know, how they want to. It was very fun. We had a great time. Birthday was a total smash. My friend's husband, luckily, wasn't an issue because apparently he felt that we were being oppressive by being offended when he would make comments about gay people, like, rubbing stuff in his face and da-da-da, and he doubled down with a lot of that. And just, like, he didn't like the, hey, you know, this kind of, like, you know, this type of feeling,

can you say this, bearing and ballad-y. And he decided to get way more intense about it after it had been brought up. And my friend, unfortunately, decided to also double down and defend herself, which, choices. It's not the choice I would make, but, you know, that's okay. So you guys nailed it. It was a talk that needed to happen, and unfortunately caused us to distance ourselves.

But, man, it's a lot easier and nicer and freer to not constantly be stressed out about the comments that somebody else is going to make and having to stay silent on behalf of his friends so uh yeah uh solve uh talking about it solves the problem and sometimes the trash takes itself out anyway hope you guys are well thanks bye oh i love that sometimes the trash takes itself out I wish that would happen in my house. Who's going to take this trash out? I'm glad that they had a talk, and I'm glad. I mean, I'm not glad that the person doubled down, but I'm glad that they were like, great,

I'll just remove myself from this situation. I won't be, if I'm not wanted, I'm not coming. And it's like, yeah, man, you're not wanted. Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, if I'm not wanted, I'm not coming. And it's like, yeah, man, you're not wanted. Yeah. Yeah. And then, yeah, that kind of eliminates the problem.

If this person isn't coming around. We did solve it. Yay! We solved it. We said, talk to them and we did it.

Look at us, gurus. Gurus! Okay. Hi, Nicole and Sashir. I've wanted to write for the longest time and even stirred up drama

with my friends just so I'd have something to write about. Kidding, ofier. I've wanted to write for the longest time and even stirred up drama with my friends just so I'd have something to write about. Kidding, of course. I wanted your advice on how to tell my friend that I don't like her dog. For context, this friend is my former boss and we're still on pretty good terms during the pandemic. She got a pugapoo.

Yes, that's a cross between a pug and a poodle. Interesting. I don't even know what that looks like. I love dogs dearly and badly wish I could have one, but flats in London. Ooh, this person's from England. Flats in London where I live generally aren't pet friendly. My boss knew this and would always offer for me

to come round and play with them and would on occasion ask for me to dog sit him for a day or two. The problem is this dog is so badly behaved. He's a proper lockdown dog. That's such an English word. You're doing great. Thank you.

Oh, he's a proper lockdown puppy. So he has immense separation anxiety and will cry if you so much as go to the bathroom with the closed door. When I lived with housemates, he would get super territorial about my bedroom and would yap at them every time they walked past, which is super rude because they live there too.

Every time I've seen him since, then he's been a real handful. He was kind of putting me off getting my own dog because I can't handle that level of neediness and yapping. Okay, I'm going to try to do it the british accent too but i'm really afraid it's gonna be really bad no it's gonna be great and i can't wait okay okay since then it's Since then It's a bit awkward Because his owner will regularly

Offer for me to come round Or take him for walks And I have to politely Politely decline Or make up excuses As to why I can't. Now I've started dog sitting, dog sitting

other dogs in my neighborhood who are sweet and lovely and my friend got a bit upset saying, you never come walk by. I don't know how to tell her that I don't want to. I don't want to anymore.

Because she still thinks he's the sweetest little angel. When he's really a funny little gremlin that I can't handle. Okay, I'm going to stop because I can't. I'm crying. I don't think she realizes how yappy he is or how disruptive he is in the most public settings. So it's hard to explain

when she's oblivious to it. I would love your advice because you are both so empathetic and understanding of other people. I'm a huge fan of you both and have loved seeing your careers skyrocket in the past few years since I've been following your work. Lots of love from Lovedon. This year, it's so aggressive. It's so aggressive in the wildest ways wait can you put it back up there was one word that killed me wait can you put it back up

what was the word i think it was decline can you say it again decline decline decline can you say it again decline oh my god that made me laugh so hard i don't think i've ever loved anything more she's saying to be all quiet because he's like you just it was so aggressive it was so aggressive and i just oh my god it was my favorite thing in the whole world i had to audition for something with a british accent recently and i don't i don't think i did well i think you got it i think they want that i would want that if if i got that tape i'd be like we're fools we're fools if we don't hire this woman

i kind of love the idea of like especially if it's a comedy somebody just later being like she's not really english she's like we just let her we just let her believe it's a good accent and that we believe she's from england i think i think that's so funny decline i don't even remember what the problem was okay it's a bad dog it's a bad dog and um and this person doesn't know how to tell their friend that this this puppy is poorly behaved yes i think i think you um i think there's a world where you're like hey your puppy is your puppy needs some training maybe before i can take him again because he's having some or they're having some separation

anxiety yeah and the separation anxiety is a little too intense for me um and then also is like a little yappy with my friends when it comes over. So I do think before another visit happens, your dog has to do a little bit of training just so everybody in the house is comfortable with this dog. I think that's really well said. Yeah, really, really well said. Because you, yeah, you're, this is your home, your space, and also the space of the other people who live there so yeah like for their

comfort and your comfort this dog needs to be trained a little better or at all yeah you know because you don't want like a poorly behaved dog i mean i have one he bit me yesterday because i didn't announce myself because usually he stays in a room with a glass pocket door but i had to put him in a room where there wasn't a glass it was just a door door and i didn't say hi clyde when i came in i just opened the door and he thought he was somebody working on uh my bathroom and he just nipped me and his ears went down and then he backed up and i went, yeah, you should be mad. You bit your best fucking friend.

Yeah. Also, like he didn't get a good look at you before he bit. No, the door opened a smidge and then it was like. Oh, yeah. I was like, friend, what do you do? He was alone for an hour but my dog truly when he's alone he acts like i've gone to a war and he never thought he would see me ever again

he just tried to jump on the couch and he fell no he's like you talking about me the stopping point was him tripping on a pillow also at this angle it looks like Clyde's on your shoulder like a parrot like Clyde's on the couch behind you but it looks like he's just like chilling like perched on your shoulder I wish I wish he would oh now he's fighting a pillow wow he's in his own fight club he's like I got two two minutes to go at it. Two minutes and I'm going to fucking annihilate this pillow.

But yeah, I think to help our dog friend and just be like, I think this dog needs a little bit more training. Yeah. Yeah. And like, maybe your friend will get mad at that, but that's whatever. It's up to them if they want to train the dog or not. But at the end of the day, the dog's not coming over to your house anymore. Correct. And I've had people, a trainer called Clyde the rudest dog she's ever met.

And you know what? She's not wrong. Did you see that? I said he's the rudest dog she's ever met. He looked right into the camera. He's funny. What is this, The Office? Oh, my God.

Did you know it's funny the office yeah yeah it's so funny it's so i like it ha ha ha i one night there was a person with a dunder mifflin like bumper sticker on their car and i pulled up next to them and i screamed you like the office too and the way they looked at me was as if i had 18 heads and i was the devil and i just wanted to bond with this person and they just like wouldn't bond back with me they probably anyway fun of them like wow you like the office too everyone loves the office i if that happened to me i would have thought you were making fun of me. I'd be like, oh my god, this girl's a bitch. Never occurred

to me. I was just being friendly. No. I'm so embarrassed. No, it's okay. It's okay. Oh my god. Well, if you have a question or query or something, or if you like the office, email us at NicoleAndSashiraGmail.com

or call 424-645-7003. We also have merch at PodSwag.com slash Best Friends. Hey, we have transcripts of our new episodes. Check them out on our show page at Earwolf.com. Lastly, don't forget to write, review, and subscribe. That's the easiest way to support the show. I'm telling you, you booked it. I'm telling you right now.

I have intel. You booked it. God, that's so... Cheerio! Cheerio! Tip-tops to share