Blank Check with Griffin & David - The Royalty Of Naboo - The Phantom Podcast

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

Queen elect, high school dropout, hand maiden? This week Griffin and David look at Queen Amidala and the history of the royalty of Naboo. Why was actress Natalie Portman widely trashed for her performance in this movie? With the complicated costumes, the extravagant hair, the memorable make up, was it the strange choice to speak like a Canadian from South Park? Was Keira Knightley acting as Queen Amidala’s double supposed to be a surprise? These questions and more are answered in our next installment. Plus, Griffin talks merch where he spotlights the separately sold hyperdrive repair kit and the boys restate their hypothesis: Was if this movie is about Trade Regulations?

Hello, I'm Griffin Newman. I'm David Sims. This is the podcast where we exclusively talk about Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace. The Phantom Menace. In our pursuit of the answer to one simple question, what is this movie about? Is it so simple? It's, in theory, simple. Yeah.

In practice, very, very difficult to answer. And just to reestablish the ground rules rules for those of you who haven't listened to episode one yet, we are not going to acknowledge the existence of any other Star Wars I don't know what you're talking about. I had to say it quickly. I know it's a violation. Feel free to dock me points. No, it's okay.

You're laying down the rules. I wanted our listeners to understand. So from this point on, we will not acknowledge any other movie. Who knows what other movies exist? I don't know about any others. This week's topic, the royalty of Naboo. Yeah, the royal family. The family?

The queen. Is there a family? We want to figure out the structure. Yeah, and just there's a lot of stuff Going on with this little planet And how it governs itself Oh yeah we want to get into Amidala As a character her arc Yeah how it protects it's queen

The handmaidens You know not to tip our hand too much Our handmaidens too much But right off the bat I rewatched the film last night Yeah I rewatched it I think night. Yeah, I rewatched it, I think, two nights ago. And Purdue or Ben, you also? I also watched it recently, so I'm up to date.

I watched the Blu-ray Ultimate Collection Edition. As did I? Yeah, as did you. Okay. This had a DVD. Sure. Yeah. Producer Ben's a bit of a basic bitch, but we will go on.

Last week, we only covered the first eight minutes and 40 seconds of the film. Something, I think eight minutes and 56 seconds. So I didn't rewatch

the whole film. And this week, I did. Right, yeah. The first week, I hadn't either. We had just sort of watched the opening section of the film

to really, really sort of, you know, get the aroma of it. You know? We just wanted to open up the scent. Exactly. We were kind of letting the tannins mellow.

Yeah. Just see how it plays on the nose. Yeah, because Phantom Menace, it's like a fine glass of wine. You've got to let it aerate a little bit. Yeah. So that was our entry point. And this week we're covering not a scene, but a sort of thread throughout the entire film.

So I wanted to watch the whole film. Right. Well, we watched the whole movie. Right. And who knows how many times I've seen this movie at this point. I was thinking about that. I've seen it probably at least a dozen times, I think. I saw it a few times in theaters, probably two or three times in theaters. I think I probably saw it four or five times in theaters. That's a lot. That's crazy. Wow.

I definitely saw the 3D re-release, which you did as well. Oh, I saw the 3D, right. So it might be up to four times in theaters. Yeah. And then I owned it on VHS. See, I didn't own it on VHS, so I think I've seen it less since then, but at friends' places and whatever. Yeah, sure.

Spike TV. Sure. Sure. It's always on Spike TV. It's always on Spike. And Spike is always on. Right. On, like, essentially. And characters are welcome there. It's got a boner. And characters are welcome to bone. Right. and Spike is always on on like

essentially and characters are welcome it's got a boner and characters are welcome to bone Drake Red Bull that too I think

Bruce Urban please we're trying to keep our legitimacy legitimacy god damn it what am I fucking talking about this movie makes me think that non-words are words

legitimacy that could be like one of the former queens of Naboo. If you say it in an Asian stereotype. Hey, well first, let's talk about this for a second. Oh yeah, your glee last week. I might have gone a little too hard

last week. And imitating Newt Gunray and the Neimoidians. Yeah, I might have enjoyed myself a little too much and for that I want to apologize to our listeners. I didn't create the impression, but I did. I really... Yeah.

I, you know, I had my cake and I ate it too, and then I baked another cake and I ate that one in quick succession. You were just grinning with glee at the idea that you were allowed to do this, I think. It was liberating. It was liberating. Right. It was liberating because of all the animosity I've had towards those characters over the years.

Right. But I think that enthusiasm transferred into what seemed to be an enjoyment of slamming a group of people. Oh, boy. A large swath of the population. And mocking them. A humongous swath of the population. Right, and not even a country.

No. Just sort of a third of the world. Because once again, we agreed last week that the racism is very nonspecific. It's just Asians. It's sort of all Asians. It's just greedy, jelly Asians. Yeah, and so for this week's episode, because it's not relevant, I'm not going to Asians. It's just greedy, jelly Asians. Yeah.

And so for this week's episode, because it's not relevant, I'm not going to do my impressions of the Neimoidians because it wouldn't be illegal. I'm docking you points, Griffin. Okay. You can dock me a point. You can dock me a point. But so I rewatched the film last night. Okay. And I watched it, I think, on Monday night.

And every time I've seen it, I'd say post the age of 10 Right? Yeah Saw it four or five times in theaters, don't think I saw it for a year or two After that, by that point I had realized it wasn't good It had soured. When I was a kid As I said, I thought it was the best one yet Upon first viewing

That was your view coming out of the theater I said easily the best one yet And then within two years I was like like, I get it's not good. Every time I've seen it in that post-realization state, I start out the exact same way. I turn it on and I go, you know what? I want to be the guy who makes the argument for why this movie is great. I know. I know what you mean.

And especially watching it on this Blu-ray. It's a gorgeous transfer. It looks great. It's a gorgeous transfer. Incredible sound mix. Really good sound mix. I always want to be the guy who cracks the code. Yeah. And I love going against the grain. I'm a contrarian dude. That is why we're recording this podcast a little bit probably. That's why we're recording this podcast.

There's that inkling. We'd love to figure it out and crack it and make everyone go oh it is great. we never got it before. Right. Yeah. I always started out. Producer Ben is shaking his head just with despair. Every time I start out with that attitude. I go I know what it is it's not very good but you know I want to figure it out.

Yeah you don't want to just you're not watching it like in a it's not like you're cranking on like Batman and Robin it's like so bad it's good you're just gonna laugh at it. Like that's not why I watch the Phantom Menace. Sure, sure. And, you know, I made this argument for a while where I was like, maybe, and this is sort of what our podcast is doing, maybe devoid of all expectations. Right. You know, the anticipation for the movie was so high.

The excitement was so high. It could never live up to what people were imagining in their heads. The excitement was so high it could never live up to what people were imagining in their heads. Maybe if you just took it on its own. Yep. Devoid of everything and just looked at it as a movie, it'd be solid. It'd be fine for what it is. I always want to make that argument. And at the end of every time I watch it, I come away with the same answer, which is that movie is overrated.

I go into it going, I want to argue why it's better than people think it is and i walk out going it actually should be slammed more thoroughly than we don't talk enough about how problematic it is that it took one viewing and two episodes of this podcast you just to realize no the phantom menace is is basically a garbage movie until the next time i watch i guarantee the next time i watch i'm gonna be back next time I watch it, I'm going to enter in with the same thing. You overrate it going in and then you're like, ah, this thing's overrated. Maybe it's only overrated by my own perspective. Yeah, it might be overrated by Griffin Newman.

Perspective. Griffin Newman two hours earlier. Yeah, God, because I always It's a tight two hour movie, too. I believe it's 2.14. Alright, alright. A tight two hour movie? But I'm just saying, I feel like you suffer through your

hobbits for three and a half hours. I don't know. There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. They visit many planets. They do visit many planets. But this is my thing. Most movies, one planet. That's true. If even that.

If even that. Some are just set on satellites, like moon. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Anyway, we're not talking about moon. Not talking about moon. Naboo is a moon, is it? I don't know. No, I think it's a planet.

It's a planet. All right. Yeah. Moons don't have queens. Show me a queen of a moon, and I'll give you a hay penny. So, did you have some thought, like, apart from the fact that the movie is overrated yeah yeah having watched it last night here's my my thoughtful analysis of where the film goes wrong having really studied it you know taking a fine-tooth comb to the movie fine-tooth comb

a fine-tooth comb lucas has robbed me of all proper English vocabulary I took a fine tooth comb to the film and my expert analysis is it's really fucking boring it's a boring fucking movie that's my problem with it I don't even care that it's kind of silly

and dumb in parts and those are big lazy words I'm throwing on it but I like a lot of movies that are silly and dumb I saw Jupiter As are big like lazy words i'm throwing on it yeah but i like a lot of movies that are silly and dumb i saw jupiter ascending recently you did as well i love jupiter we both love jupiter ascending it's good it's dumb it's sloppy it's messy it's so much fun it's got such a good heart it's so well attention it's exciting to watch it is and it's busy with ideas and things and it's i mean it has moments that are a little boring or expositioning for sure but like not on the level of this like extended negotiation which is like what this movie is

right this like series of talks between uh monks and so political bureaucrats yes yeah and uh the bureaucrats producer ben it looks like you are burning to say something. Well, I just, I mean, we were talking even before we started recording, and the one reaction I had after not seeing the movie for probably 10, 15 years. Wow. You had a really different experience watching this movie than I did. Absolutely. I will just say the one thing that struck me right off the bat was there is so much exposition in this movie.

It is insane. Thank you. That is every scene requires reams of exposition. And this is where I get bored. Okay. I don't think that I have an attention problem when it comes to movies. No. I like a lot of movies that most would dub as long and boring.

I think you think that some dumb people would do that. Some dumb people would say that. That was a Freudian slip. That was a Lucasian slip. That was a Lucasian slip. But my favorite movie of 2014 was Mana Kamana, which is a documentary about a cable car in Nepal that goes to a temple on the top of a mountain,

and it's just they put the camera in the cable car and you just watch people sitting in a cable car. The first 40 minutes there's no dialogue. You're just watching an old man sit in a cable car. I haven't seen this. Is this a movie? Yeah, it's a masterpiece. I saw it three times in theaters. What? Yeah, I think it's incredible. My point is I don't get bored.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? My favorite movie last year was Birdman. I'm kidding. you piece of shit sorry go on yeah you don't get i'm kidding it was not my favorite movie talk about overrated points yeah yeah yeah definitely points points um chris hardwick's gonna burst in here with a shotgun oh god was he in this movie probably not no he really wanted to host this podcast. And we were like, Chris. Yeah, we said, Chris, you host a lot of podcasts. You've had enough on your plate.

Yeah. Bro, come on back off, bro. He can host the talking after. Yeah. He could host the podcast where they talk about this podcast. Yeah, that's what he's going to do. That's what he deserves and nothing more. There's a type of-

He probably liked Birdman. Oh God, he loved Birdman. Chris Hartwick, you're fine. I like Chris Hartwick. I bet he J-zo'd a Birdman. Anyway. Gives it the old J-zo. Yeah, he gives it a J-zo.

And you don't give it a J-zo to Birdman or to The Phantom Menace. But I like Phantom Menace more. I will say that. Yeah, me too. Yeah, unquestionably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Birdman's to The Phantom Menace. But I like Phantom Menace more. I will say that. Yeah, me too. Unquestionably. I think Birdman's a better acted film.

Yes, I'd agree with that. I think it's a worse written film. Welcome to our podcast, Birdman vs. Phantom Menace. My point is there's a type of scene that not only bores me, but almost automatically causes me to disengage from what i'm watching sort of offends your artistic sort of engagement yeah no it's not even that it's just i find myself being unable to focus on it my brain just like checks out and takes a walk you want to take your phone out like if a scene if this scene is happening you're just sort of or my mind sort of does free association i and I start thinking about other things, and

then I realize, like, oh, you haven't been paying attention to what's been happening in this movie for... You know when you're in school, and they give you a crappy book for English class, and you sort of speed read through it? Yeah, of course. You'd be like, oh, I read the whole chapter, but you wouldn't really process any of the words. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes if a movie bores me, that will sometimes happen. And once again, it doesn't have to be a film that is boring by classical definition, but the easiest way for me to disengage is when characters are saying something that reveal absolutely nothing about the characters for extended periods of time. Okay. When you have seven characters in a scene just reciting information. Yeah.

Yeah. And this movie has that where not only is it so expository, but it's expository in a way where it's like you could give any character in the scene any other line you could flip them all it's like the Justice League well you know of course that the Trade Federation is just people stating things that the characters themselves would know

right only for the audience to understand with like no finesse no charm people bag on the you know wooden acting of this film as you said birdman does have better acting mostly phantom menace but i would argue phantom s has as good a cast as birdman does on paper i mean yeah forgetting like a couple yeah it has a great cast if you look at the main players yeah and some of them are trying really hard or sort of i mean like i feel like liam neeson is trying hard in this movie yeah i

mean i seems a little despondent but but but he's he has a sense of what his character is no question and i know it's not really revealed in any other way neeson phoning it in has a certain poetry to it yeah i mean sure right i mean people love neeson phoning it in these days. There's something about him. He's so inherently sad. He's got that big wandering Irish drunk thing. He has a somewhat haunted quality. Qui-Gon has a haunted quality. And he's got this sort of like poet's heart. Yeah, and you feel like Qui-Gon, I mean, we'll get into Qui-Gon at some point.

But that guy's got some weird past. Because everyone's sort of walking on eggshells around him. But I think that's all in performance. No, I agree. I agree. I agree. Yeah, I mean, and that's Lucas's failure to recognize that and try to do more with it in the film. Because as written, it's one dimensional.

But there's something, there's a certain lyricism to the way he recites this banal dialogue. There's integrity to him as a man, Liam Neeson, as a dude that comes through in even his laziest performances that kind of makes everything feel like it has a certain weight to it. Natalie Portman, getting around to her, the focus of today's episode, was widely trashed for this performance. Was she? Yeah. Oh, that's too bad. She's fine in this movie. I actually think she's good in this movie. I do too. I think she kind of did the best that she could do. I think she might be, yeah, I think this is, it's an interesting performance because she's good in this movie. I do too. I think she kind of did the best that she could do. I think she might be, yeah. I think this is, it's an interesting performance because she's kind of giving two performances, right?

And we'll get into that. But I think she's pretty personable when she's just regular old Padme. Padme, I think, is a really good performance. Really good. But again, she's saddled with the most unfortunate dialogue. I mean, half the time she's talking to a child. Who is giving her nothing. Who's really, he's giving her less than nothing.

He's either giving her nothing or way too much. Sure, right, right, yeah. I mean, she just, there's no sense that these two would actually form any kind of bond, but it's crucial that they form a bond, clearly. But either she's left empty-handed emotionally in these scenes, or she's the waiter with 17 trays trying not to tell the kids. Jake Lloyd only has two settings. I feel bad for that kid.

I know that Jake Lloyd had kind of a rough life after this movie. I read an article. Yes, and has not acted since. Yeah, he got a lot of guff for this movie, I think, from his school friends. Yep. I saw a video of him, an interview from his college years. Okay. And he was saying, it really has fucked up my life. I can't live it down.

And everyone hates me. I wonder how much money he got for this movie. It probably was not enough money. No. It's not like one of those things where you hear Liam Neeson didn't enjoy making this movie and I'm like, yeah, well, he's fine. He probably made a nice salary from this movie. I don't think he got enough and I think... Jake enjoy making this movie. I'm like, yeah, well, he's fine. You know, I mean, he probably, he made a nice salary from this movie, you know. I don't think he got enough, and I think... Jake Wood was a kid.

He's like six years old. Yeah, I think Lucas and his... He's very cute. He's got a nice look. Oh, he's got a nice punum. He's got a great little punum. Great little punum. It's true.

You can see how if George Lucas was casting solely based off of headshots, he'd get the role hands down. He did cast right isn't that what's going on here because Shmi Skywalker

Anakin's mother is played by whose mother it sounds like shut up is played by Pernilla August and I read

she's a Swedish actor she had never done an English language performance before like and it shows she's not bad in the movie I think she's pretty solid she's got the same kind of niece and integrity it shows she's not bad in the movie but she's pretty solid she's got

the same kind of niece and integrity yeah but she's giving a phonetic performance yes you know it's like you can tell she does not really get the words that are coming out of her mouth like she doesn't have 100 of a handle on oh she had a jackie chan and rush hour i you know i don't know i'm she didn't understand the words coming out of his mouth? All right. It would have gotten a bigger laugh if I said it immediately. Yeah, you took a second and then I was like, oh, right. I hesitated. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it.

I'm off my game today. Not at all. Okay, so any more thoughts on just re-watching the film in general? Yeah, it's really boring. It's a lot of information i mean i you know i i you know i want to slice the baloney pretty thin because we got a couple more you know months of this podcast to get through i don't want to cover everything uh you know but and we'll dig into this later but i also think a problem with the movie is you know i mean as i said my my brain disengages as i'm watching it

so even watching it now for the whatever time i I was like, I still don't know if I totally understand what's going on in this film. Because every time I try to pay attention, it finds a way to push me away. I agree. There's a lot of detail, visual detail, planted in this film that pays off later. But you don't notice it because you're too freaking bored. Well, and last week we were focusing on just nine minutes of the film. And then re-watching those nine minutes this week, I realized how many things we got wrong in those

nine minutes. We did? We each watched the first nine minutes of that film five times and still got some essential details wrong. What did we get wrong? We thought the TC-14 was sent in to kill them, but she was sent in to distract them while they were killed. Yeah, I don't think we said kill them, because, you know,

the gas is the killing. Right. But we thought she was in there to attack them and so I don't know. I mean, it was weird. It sounds like you're whacked out.

I'm so confused by this movie. I'm whacked out on goofballs. I'm whacked out on phantom balls. I think Ben wanted to say something.

Well, the point I'll make is something I noticed is the throwback editing. Like the time lapse. Oh, yeah. The wipes and all that. It was almost nice to see. Yeah. The point I'll make is something I noticed is the throwback editing, like the time lapse. Oh, yeah. The wipes and all that. It was almost nice to see. Yeah.

So I actually really enjoyed that. Yeah. It's part of the George Lucas charm, right? Yeah. He loves the old serials and all that stuff, right? That's all part of his directorial touch. That's his inspiration. Yeah.

Once again, credit where credit is due. Yeah, once again, credit where credit is due. I do think in terms of cinematic grammar, it's a well-made film. It's a perfectly decently made film. I think more than decently well-made. I agree with you. Everything's telegraphed pretty clear action-wise. He does have these really kind of gorgeous classical compositions.

Even if I don't like every element within the frame, they're blocked really, really well. The colors in the film are really, really nice. I love that it has actual locations in it. You know, the things that are shot in real locations where he has actors in costumes and makeup and things like that, they're all really nice looking. The shots with more CGI, they're give and take.

I talked last week a little bit about how I like his use of silence. I realize I didn't go into it deep enough. What I mean is there are a lot of scenes, big scenes, where he doesn't have score, there isn't dialogue, and you just hear sound effects with silence. The sound effects are immaculate. Obviously. And we're so used

to in this day and age when blockbusters are these big bombastic things. And choppily edited things. Choppily edited. They're shooting around what imagines what was like a tight shooting schedule or not enough budget for a certain visual effect. Any Marvel movie, I love those movies, but... They're shot like TV shows.

It's a lot of coverage and close-up, reverse close-up. Exactly. And this, like, if Lucas is cutting within a sequence and he actually doesn't cut that much... No. He'll often... I get them part of the wipes and all the old things Ben was just talking about. All them wipes.

He'll cut from a wide shot to a different wide shot, a wide shot at a different angle. He's not cutting in from Qui-Gon to Obi-Wan, although he does when necessary. But a lot of times it'll be like, here's a wide shot, Here's a wide shot from a different angle to convey a different piece of information. Sure. I like that. I like it too. There's a visual majesty to the film. Yeah.

And I say that without any reservation. To the city of Theed. To the city of Theed. The capital of Naboo. God damn city of Theed. Okay, so let's talk about Naboo and our queen, Amidala, who is 14 years old she's 14 is that official is that confirmed you can you can talk she is democratically elected I will look up a little bit about the uh the background of Amidala the problem with the the wikipedia I was trying to figure out her

age uh they use their own year system of course it's a bby why so a BBY. I can't even do the math because I don't understand. She was born 46 BBY and she was elected She was elected 33 BBY. So she was 13 years old. But this movie is probably

she could be 13, 14 years old. Let's say she's 14. Fine. A Portman's dozen. Yeah, exactly. A Portman's dozen. Oh, yeah, exactly. A Portman dozen. Yes. Perfect. Nice big bag of bagels.

So she's a freshman in high school. That's right. That's right. Well, she would have been, but she had to drop out to be the democratically elected queen. Right. Exactly. Of a planet. Now, you see, I'll admit going into this movie, going into this podcast, sorry, I thought

that the queen was, it was always that, that it was podcast, sorry, I thought that the queen was always that. That it was just, that's how Naboo worked. They just elected teenage girls to be their queens for some reason. Okay. But according to the Star Wars, the Wikipedia, she actually brought down a fairly unpopular king. Yes. And sort of began a democratic tradition on the planet. So this is all very new in Naboo. None of this

is mentioned in the movie. Sure, she wasn't the youngest. It also says that here. God, I can't find it here. She joined the Apprentice Legislature at 8, became a full legislator at 11. Yeah, and then she became Princess of Feed and

rallied those against the rule of King Ars Veruna and brought him down uh here's the thing i want to talk about um where is it here yeah you're right it says she was not the youngest queen ever elected it doesn't say who was but this is the interesting uh section of the podcast where we just read a wikipedia yeah yeah let's do this for a while um uh the legislative youth program okay this is his own wikipedia this might be a good thing maybe name Yeah, let's do this for a while. The Legislative Youth Program. Okay, this has its own Wikipedia entry. This might be a good thing.

Maybe Naboo has it figured out. You know, maybe if our kids were getting civic engagement at a younger age, then, you know, this country wouldn't be in the goddamn turlet. I agreed. The Legislative Youth Program was a galaxy galaxy wide Organization devoted to the education of youth From across the stars Interested in entering public service Oof

That's kind of an interesting concept Sounds like it's for nerds You want to be like a star fighter Yeah I want to be a star fighter Okay so it's galaxy wide It's galaxy wide that's where they send kids If kids think they want to go into public service. Well, but it just sounds like in Naboo it all happens fast.

It's like, you're 14? How do you feel about running a planet? Yeah. Now, let's remember this. Like in all science fiction, and it always bothers me, everything on Star Wars is planets. It's like, this is a planet, right? Maybe it could have more than one country. In fact, it kind of does. It like, this is a planet, right? You know, maybe it could have more than one country. In fact, it kind of does.

It kind of does have two countries, right? Because it has the Gungans, which will sort of... Sure, yes. But I mean, it's basically one person is in charge of a whole planet and every planet is like that. Naboo's like a nice grassy planet, and then there's a volcano planet, and then there's an ice planet. We only ever really see one small

section of each planet. Right, and we're just sort of made to assume like, yeah, well that's just like, that one is like a hot planet and that one's a cold planet. You know, planets tend to be diverse especially when they can sustain life, but you know, whatever. Agreed. There's a moment in the film when they land on the planet

of Coruscant, when they're circling it. Right, Coruscant. They look out the window. Which is one of the cooler concepts in the movie. Sure. And Qui-Gon I believe says to Anakin, look, it's Coruscant when they're circling it. They look out the window. Which is one of the cooler concepts in the movie. And Qui-Gon, I believe, says to Anakin, look, it's Coruscant. This entire planet is one city. Right. It's like, no, it's not. No, it's a planet.

It's a planet. Yeah. You could say the entire planet is structured like a city. Yeah, it's covered in skyscrapers or whatever. There's no part of this planet that is not city-like. Right. But by definition. Yeah, it's a planet.

It's not a city. A city's like a totally ridiculous concept for them. It's like a tiny, minuscule thing. Right. This is just a big building city. A big building planet, rather. Yeah. It's right.

Yeah. If Naboo is a nice old Tuscan planet and, you know, I don't know, Tatooine is a desert planet, Coruscant's just a building planet. It's just Midtown. What if Midtown was the whole planet? Yeah. And cars flew in the air. Right.

Those are the two things. Could you imagine? That's the two things that it has. Did anyone else think about how the traffic works? Clearly, there's a lot going on because the cars are going like... Yeah. This is why we don't have flying cars. I honestly believe we have the technology and the government of every country has gotten

together and just decided we're not going to do it because they don't want to regulate it. Why don't, let's not even try. Exactly. That technology exists. If we want to be flying, we could be flying. Right now. Yeah.

But could you imagine living in Curacao and being like, hey, do you know a good place to get my shoes repaired here? Yeah. It's on the other continent. Yeah. But can you imagine living in Coruscant and being like, hey, do you know a good place to get my shoes repaired here? Yeah. It's on the other continent. Yeah. Yeah. It's in Coruscant. It's like we're in Coruscant right now. No, I'm sorry. Coruscant the city. That might be in Africa away. That's exactly right. Right. Yeah, exactly. that's exactly right right yeah exactly it's um yeah it's 50 million blocks away city of Coruscant

well it's one giant city it's one giant city yeah but that's the thing like do you live like how bad is your commute there is it like you're like shit you know I live 4,000 miles from my office it takes me two days to get to the office. I'd love it if Coruscant had a president, but also a mayor.

Yeah, right. And they're equally powerful. And they just argue over who. But Coruscant is one city, so I'm the mayor. Well, but technically I'm the president of the whole country. A guy comes and he goes, well, I'm the ruler of the planets, and it's like we all have the same job. Also, the Jedi are there?

They seem like they need to chill out. They want to be in such a busy place with all the honking horns. Yeah. Why aren't they on some nice peace planet, some sort of chilled out planet? Yeah, it's like if the Dalai Lama lived in Hell's Kitchen. Or the Pope. Yeah, sure. He kind of does live in Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, it's like if the Dalai Lama lived in hell's kitchen. Or the Pope. Yeah, sure. He kind of does live in hell's kitchen. Yeah.

He lives in the kitchens of hell. Oh boy, this is getting political. Not in hell's kitchen. No, so we're talking about Naboo though, and Naboo as a planet is it's status is it's the most gorgeous place in the world.

Yeah, it all looks like one expensive retreat in Tuscany. It's like a rehab clinic. It's like the whole planet was marble and then some people were born. It's promises, right. And the people were born and they just carved buildings out of the marble. But the whole planet is marble and trees and waterfalls.

That's like what you see. And everyone's fashion game is on point. Everyone is wearing eight costumes at once. Yeah. Like, I swear to God. Yeah. It's crazy the clothes they wear. And it's great.

I like that. And no one ever says, what I love also is that no one ever says, like Qui-Gon, and I feel like almost any other movie would have some tossed off line where Obi--wan is like she's wearing the fucking craziest dress i ever saw right some some snarky line might be tossed in if this were a marvel movie but no one says like hey lady like why are you wearing all that like you try you need to walk around right now well i think this is a dangerous path because you know know, we talk about this too much. We could get into, like, very hacky, like, 90s Comedy Central make-me-laugh style routines about Padme's outfit. This sounds great.

Let's do 20 minutes of that. But it also is, like— No, I love her outfits. Oh, me too. I love the costuming. They look incredible. Love the makeup. But thinking about them practically, right?

Yeah. But thinking about them practically, right? Yeah. Most countries in which the royalty or the appointed elected officials have some sort of uniform. This is the royal garb that you wear. It is just that. It is one uniform. Yeah.

And you wear it like on special occasions, like, you know, once a year maybe or when you're being crowned, that kind of stuff. Like the Queen of England doesn't walk around in her friggin, you know, crown jewels. And there is a decorum for how she's going to dress on a daily basis. Sure, yeah. There's a decorum for how she's going to dress at a royal ball or whatever it is. Yeah, wear nice clothes. But nothing crazy. It's just like every fucking week, every fucking day, she's got to put on a whole different crazy thing. And it's not just a very complicated dress.

It's the accoutrements. It's the hair, it's the makeup and let's not forget her planet is being blockaded her people are dying she says it over and over again Armadala, the meeting is beginning any minute now. Oh let me put a cubic

ton of hair on, like around my head. How long do you think that's going to take? Is it a wig or is it I don't even know what it is. It's literally like some sort of like giant large hadron collider of hair that's just arced around my face. It just looks like she's spending like three hours in the

hair and makeup truck every morning before they have to meet. I would legitimately love to ask Natalie Portman what it was like to wear those costumes because they are so incredible and I'm sure she has sort of a fond memory of looking like that. She's 14. She got to dress up.

Got paid money. But it must have been really crazy to walk around in that stuff. I think she probably couldn't very well. Yeah. She's sitting in chairs a lot. A lot of sitting. Yeah. Big chairs.

A lot of leaning. Like, you know, huge chairs. Big fucking chairs. So let's, all right, let's delve into this. But the logic of the film, either she is taking hours to prepare for each meeting, in which case she is delaying every meeting.

Sure, or maybe she just doesn't sleep. Her citizens are dying. Maybe Nubians don't sleep. Okay, or she doesn't sleep, in which case, you're telling me

we've got a government official, you're telling me we have someone running this entire planet and they're operating on what, four, five hours of sleep at best?

She has to cut into her sleep? She is a kid, though. Maybe that's it. So her hair can look tight? You know, because, like, a 14-year-old can take a lot of no sleep. When I was 14, I would sleep, like, four hours, and I'd be running around. You know, maybe that's the reason. It depends when puberty kicks in.

I will say Natalie Portman, you know, a svelter. The actress was older than 14. Natalie Portman was older. I don't know about that. No, maybe not, actually. Look, the actress was older than 14 Natalie Portman was older I don't know about that maybe not actually look the movie was 16 years ago Natalie Portman's probably 30 right yeah something like that

I think she was like 14 she might have been yeah yeah but here's the big thing we need to talk about for most of the movie Natalie Portman Academy Award winner Natalie Portman she hadn't won an Academy Award yet let's be honest she had not won yet Portman, Academy Award winner Natalie Portman. She hadn't won an Academy Award yet, let's be honest.

She had not won yet. Now Academy Award winner. Now Academy Award winner Natalie Portman is not playing Queen Amidala. That's true. She's not. She's not playing Queen Amidala. Most scenes. Maybe not most, but half at least.

I went through. Griffin is taking out a book in which he has written things beginning of the film yeah you see her on the screen she's talking about the moneys yeah it is now that's her yes then they cut down to naboo she's meeting with sal bibble captain panaca our bros our favorite folk sal bibble just just to explain he's the guy with those sort of long pointy beard he's played by renowned shakes renowned Shakespearean British actor, Oliver Ford Davis. I do not know what his position is.

I don't either. He seems like an aide. He's just Chief Griper. He's just the one who's always like- Queen Amidala, don't you? He's like, everything's terrible. We're all dying. He doesn't seem to understand that she maybe doesn't need to hear it again.

And also doesn't seem to do shit about it himself. No, not at all. He is spending way too much time making that beard. Come to the finest point. You know when... No, go ahead. I'm sorry. Do you know when someone complains about something you do, but it's someone you don't like,

so you start doing it more just because you love seeing them get upset? Absolutely. Consciously or unconsciously? Ooh, I see. Do you have a theory? Maybe that's why Amidala's dresses are that crazy. Right. Maybe one day, yeah, he was just like, you know, it's a crisis. Maybe tone it down. It started with her just being

like, look, I'm a little tired. Let me put on a little concealer. I got some zits. Yeah, let me paint one half of my lips red and one half white, but with a little red line and two red dots and a white face. I'm saying even an earlier start than that, right? Her first day in office. She was just putting a little makeup on.

She had a bunch of zits. She had a breakout. She put on some concealer. She wanted to straighten her hair because she went to sleep with wet hair because she didn't have time to wait for it to dry because she was on a limited schedule. Trade blockade. Goes to sleep with wet hair, wakes up, has a breakout. Her hair is a mess. Yeah.

She's straightening it. He comes in. He goes, uh, queen Amidala. She's just like this fucking guy. He's pointy-haired. Asshole. Pointy-haired, even. He might have pointy ears. He's probably got pointy ears. You can't see it underneath his pointy ears. This Shakespeare motherfucker. Okay, so we'll be out

in a second. Yeah, and then she's like, alright. Day two, let's do the lips. Let's do one lip let's do one let's do one lip red one lip white just a little red line wait it took you that long you didn't even finish the lipstick and she's like oh no this is a style yeah this is a thing i'm doing this is my thing now there is no public tension between them but she definitely does not seem close to Sayo Bibble is all I'm going to say. Now there's also Captain Pinaka who you mentioned. I love. Great actor. Cool guy. Cool guy. He's wearing a cool leather uniform

with a kind of a 30s kind of hat thing going on. He's got this sort of old school hat. I got to admit not the greatest leader of a military body you've ever seen because he just exists to say over and over again, we don't have an army. He just says that over and over.

We can't fight a war. We don't have an army. I will say this. In terms of actions, yes, maybe he's not the best leader. Maybe he's not the best captain. In terms of attitude, he is. I agree. Because even when he's saying fatalistic things.

Very calm under pressure. He's very calm under pressure and there's something very authoritative about him. I agree with that. Where it's just like, I told you, we don't have an army. And it's like, okay, then I guess we shouldn't even argue about it anymore. Yeah, and sometimes Amidala's like, hey, let me do this crazy thing. He's like, is that a good idea? But he doesn't mess with it.

He's like, all right. He's got a real steady hand. My brother was... Captain Panaka for Halloween. No, that would be great. My brother was, I think, maybe your age. Maybe a little younger. Maybe nine when the movie came out.

He called him Captain Pancake. Just wanted to get that out there. Anyway. Okay. So that is all Queen Amidala. That is all Padme herself. Yeah. Early scenes, Queen Amidala.

Yeah. Who, by the way, looking at her Wikipedia, Amidala is a name given to her as a leader. It's a regnal name. Yes. It's like how the Japanese emperor has an emperor name and a real name. Padme was her real name. Her last name was something else I'm not going to look up because we already spent enough time. I think it's Nibiru. Yes, that's correct.

Padme Nibiru, and she got Amidala and she carried it with her after that. First scene is Padme. Yeah. Through the meeting with Bibble. Then we go to scene two where the Neimoidians are on Naboo. Okay, right. Yeah, they stage their invasion. Right.

But when they're first just talking to them, not Natalie Portman. It is future Academy Award nominee, two-time Academy Award nominee. That's right. Keira Knightley. Keira Knightley. Playing a character called Sabe. That's right. She is a decoy.

And honestly, the last time I watched the movie, like a couple days ago, may have been the first time I realized that that early on. Yep. That that's Keira Knightley. Second appearance on screen, it's Keira Knightley. It helps that we now know who Keira Knightley is and what she looks like. And they're similar to, obviously the makeup is similar, the hair is similar, but she, you know, she looks different than Natalie Portman.

There's another really clear key to figuring out whether or not Natalie Portman is playing Queen Amidala in any scene. Which is? Figure out if the character standing next to Queen Amidala is Natalie Portman. Right. Because that is what's going on here. Yep. At a basic level. Yep.

Sometimes she won't be the queen. She'll play a handmaiden. Whose name is Padme. Whose name is Padme. Which everyone knows is the given birth name be the queen. She'll play a handmaiden. Whose name is Padme. Whose name is Padme. Which everyone knows is the given birth name of their queen. I guess so. I mean, it's never discussed, but you're right, right? Right?

This is the big realization I had last night. But the Neimoidians don't know that shit. I mean, maybe they have a Wikipedia that they can look at, though. I don't know. But it's weird in that maybe not everyone knows it, but it's common enough knowledge that you think they'd be like, yo, just call yourself Stacey. Right. But I mean, to be fair, she maybe not everyone knows it, but it's common enough knowledge that you think they'd be like, yo, just call yourself Stacy. Right.

But I mean, to be fair, she's not walking around like, hi, I'm Padme the handmaiden. Like, you know, she's just chilling next to what looks like the queen, but is actually just one of her handmaidens done up like the queen. She's just chilling. But when people ask her like, hey, what's your name? She'd be like, oh, who me? Padme. She might be like, look over there and run away. Yeah.

But when little Annie asks her. Yeah, but when little Annie asks her. Yeah, but he's just a worthless slave. Okay, interesting. If the whole idea is that she's under enough threat. It's Wado notes. The slave actually has a lot of worth. What slave is he? Oh, boy. We'll get to Wado.

My favorite character. If the whole idea is that she is under enough constant threat that they need to have a decoy yeah but have her stand there all the time right give her a different fucking name no i agree with you but i do think the general concept is clever like they're not hiding her they're just sort of mixing them all around so much that you that the viewer literally does not usually know who she is. Except I had maybe stupidly in the past thought that it was a rotating panel of handmaidens. But no, it just seems like it's Keira Knightley or Natalie Portman. Yep.

I always thought that it was like there were six decoys. I think that maybe possibly that is the case, but Lucas just kept it simple in this movie. But I'm not. Sure. But you're right. In this movie, that is how case, but Lucas just kept it simple in this movie, but I'm not... Sure. But you're right. In this movie, that is how it works. Well, looking at Wikipedia, they have the list of the handmaidens, and I read

most of the entries. One of them is played by Sofia Coppola. Another... A Future Academy Award winner. That's right. That's right. So within the group of Amidala, first screen credit... First screen play. No, for... Oh, for screen play. No, her first screen credit is Godfather 3, right? No, her first screen credit, if I'm not mistaken, is Godfather 2.

I don't think she's credited it. Oh, is she in 2? All right. I know she's in 1. She's the baby. Yeah. But she's also in Peggy Sue Got Married and... Yeah, right.

All right, Sophia. Whatever. I think she said she just wanted to be in the movie to watch it. She was about to do Virgin Suicides, and she thought it would be interesting to watch Uncle George work. In her words. Hey, man. I get it.

I'd play a handmaiden right now. Me too. Throw that little hood on. They're wearing these very modest little hoods, the handmaidens. They look so adorable. They do. It's a good setup. Can I read you the list of all their names? I don't know if you've

read the list of all the names before. Please, never aloud. Okay. Once again, this group contains three future Academy Award winners slash nominees. Right. So, a prodigious group. Yeah, absolutely. Suid Amidala, Padme.

Padme. And the handmaidens are as follows. Sabe. Padme. Padme. Then the handmaidens are as follows. Sabe. Mm-hmm. Irite. Ooh. Rabe. Sashay.

Yane. Faye. And parentheses in training, Dane. Ooh. Dane appears to be extended universe. Oh, she's not. She's not part of the film.

Okay. Yeah. I believe. Yeah, whatever. not. She's not part of the film. Okay. Yeah. I believe. Yeah, whatever. I think there's six of them. You don't see a ton of them. There's really only one scene where the handmaiden seems to do anything, which is when Padme is playing a handmaiden,

and she sort of leans over and talks to her for a second. Now, I want to just talk about Irite for a second. Okay. Irite was brought up as a wealthy girl in a remote river valley of Naboo. She was the only applicant for the Queen's handmaidens who had blonde hair and blue eyes in contrast to Amidala's brown hair and brown eyes. She was sometimes known as the blonde

handmaiden. Once again, this is official Lucas canon backstory to these characters, right? All that is fine. You would assume if you clicked on any of the handmaidens, you'd get that much information. Oh, she grew up in this small town. Oh, this is her hair color. This and that. Wait a second. Irite has

had also taken the same examinations as Amidala to run for the position of queen but lost the election to Amidala. Wait a second. She's a handmaiden? Maybe just give her a different job. She's close to being queen? Yeah. like, just give her a different job. She's close to being queen? Yeah.

She's combing her hair every day? Imagine if the guy, the runner-up for president... Mitt Romney. What if Mitt Romney was the butler? Had to be Secret Service. Secret Service. Even more than the butler, the Secret Service, because in reading the full handmaiden Wikipedia entry,

they make it very clear that the handmaidens are trained to know that they might have to give their life to protect the Queen. Right, they're like bodyguards. They really are like bodyguards. They're like Secret Service. The decoy thing is the same thing. They're trained in like, you know, Captain Pinaka gives them, I don't know, you know, a couple weeks down at the shooting range or

something. Like, they're trained in guns and stuff. Oh, yeah. And like Kung Fu and all that shit. They're trained in Kung Fu. They're definitely trained in Kung Fu. But like, why is Sabe having to dress up like Queen Amidala so that if someone takes out a gun and shoots her, they won't have shot the queen. Right. She knows your deal is, hey, upside, you get to wear some pretty tight dresses.

Downside, you're almost definitely going to get shot in the face. At some point. Especially if there happens to be a blockade. And also like this is the first queen of the country. Right. It's like this is a new thing. It's all new. It's a very volatile situation so the queen of the country anyone apparently over the age of seven can run but if you lose you have to be on security detail for the person who won

and maybe die protecting their position i had no idea idea. I mean, maybe she wanted to. Maybe that was how deep her sense of civic duty ran. This is what I'm saying. Arate and the other handmaidens were trained in self-defense and marksmanship by Amidala's House of Security Captain Pinaka. We know all of that. Sure. She particularly excelled in dealing with protocol and spotting treachery.

Fine. However, she was less skilled in martial arts than the other handmaidens. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. But you were right, Kung Fu. Thank you. Yeah, she sounds bad.

One, she doesn't look like her. Two, she is a former political rival. Three, she does not know Kung Fu. As well. Okay, she's good at spotting treachery. Great. Sayo Bibble's sitting right over there i don't know uh i'd like to read a quote that's on erite's this episode's all about erite oh boy uh erite's uh wikipedia there's a quote from an issue of uh the star wars clone wars comic book sure sky In fact, I'm pretty sure it's Amidala's decoys, Sabe and Arate.

Arate. Actually, I'm Arate. Sabe. And I'm Sabe. Attributed to Anakin Skywalker, unable to distinguish between Sabe and Arate. Griffin, I'm not sure that was worth the seeming 40 minutes it took. I think it was. This is why I want to talk about it.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Is there more? Yeah. No, I want to talk about it. Eroteg, who has no dialogue in the film. And also has blonde hair and blue eyes. Yep.

And also lost the election for queen because apparently she wasn't good enough at martial arts. Yeah, right. Has no dialogue in the film. Whoever was assigned to write this officially sanctioned Wookieepedia entry for Erete, which, by the way, has 12 different sections on it. Like 12 different pull-down sections, okay?

Felt the need to, under the section, later career include a dialogue exchange to try to flesh out our understanding of the character more. You're not even getting to the main thing, which is, apparently Skywalker can't tell the difference between a woman with brown hair and one with Bond hair. What is going on? This isn't even, he can't tell the difference between Sabe and Padme. He can tell the difference between Sabe and Erete. Everyone knows what Eate looks like. Exactly.

Who played her in the film, by the way? God, let's find out. That's a separate section. Behind the scenes. Yeah, I always hate that. The whole Wikipedia entry acts like it's a real person, and at the end they're like, oh, it was played by some jerk-off. David, I am so, so happy that you asked me.

Who played Irite? Because her name is... Lily Tomlin. Friday, quote, Liz, unquote, Wilson. Wow. Friday, Liz Wilson. She was like, Liz Wilson, and then she was like, you know what? I need a more exotic name. No, her name was Liz Wilson, and then she was like, you know what? I need a more exotic name.

No. No, her name was Friday Wilson, and then she was like, I should have the option of having a more normal name, and then put Liz in quotes. Her name is Friday. Liz is the nickname. Friday Liz Wilson. There she is. She kind of looks like Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.

Yeah. Anyway. Friday Liz Wilson. They also make it clear here in the children's book, Queen Disguise, Arate's hair was erroneously colored brown, while in the comic story in Triplicate, her name was misspelled Arate.

So here's the misspelling. Nobody's perfect. The proper spelling is E-I-R-T-A-E-A-X-A-N-T-Y-G-R-A-V-E. E accenti grau and the misspelling is E

R I T A E accenti grau yeah there's a lot of

accents Padme Sabe it's all it's all accents Sashay yeah Sashay is lazy

that is and the one that's just Faye yeah Sashay played by Sofia Coppola oh Sash played by Sofia Coppola. Oh, Sasha is Sofia Coppola. Yeah. She doesn't do anything in the movie, as far as I know.

No. Her bio is the shortest, and the biggest info within it, the biggest scoop within it is, of all the handmaidens, Sasha was the only one not to attend the celebration parade. She probably had, like, diarrhea or something. Or she was just like, George, I don't want to film this movie. George, I'm about to go become a way more accomplished filmmaker than you. I've got a hard out. Yeah, exactly.

Even though she was present at Qui-Gon Jinn's funeral. Fair-weathered friend. Well, that's good. That's the important thing. You want to be there. Spoiler alert, by the way, Qui-Gon Jinn dies in this film. Bites it real hard. Yeah.

He takes a lightsaber to the chest hole. What's the opposite of a fair-weathered friend? Because she wasn't there at the celebration. She was there at the funeral. She's there when you need her, right? I don't know what you call that. She only is there when it's a bummer of an event. Well, that's when, you know, like the celebration, who cares, right?

Sure. I don't know. There's a million people there. When things are going well, it's an embarrassment you know, like the celebration, who cares, right? Sure. I don't know. There's a million people there. When things are going well, it's an embarrassment of riches, friend-wise. You don't need anybody. Okay, so when they land on Naboo, it's Sabe. Right. That's when the escape is orchestrated.

Yes, that's when- The Jedi's attack. That's when, for some reason, is it two or do all six escape? God, I just watched this movie. I watched this eight hours ago and I couldn't tell you. Who, you know, so in the plot of the film. Who escapes onto the ship? Just to briefly recap the film.

Yeah. The Royal Starship? Yeah. The Neimoidians invade Naboo. Yeah. With their droid armies. Their droid. Battle droids.

Yeah, their droid ships and everything. They take the palace because there's no army on Naboo. And then somehow the Jedi sneak out the queen. Qui-Gon, Anakin, all... No, not Anakin. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, all the handmaidens, Padme, Captain Tanaka. Panaka. That's what I said.

I thought you said Tanaka. No, Captain Pancake. Producer Ben? It was Tanaka. I didn't say Tanaka. Panaka. That's what I said. I think you said Tanaka. Oh, Captain Pancake. Producer Ben. It was Tanaka. I didn't say Tanaka. Yeah, they sneak all those guys out. Not Sayo Bibble. Clearly Amidala was like, don't bring that mother fucker.

He's there. He stays back. Yeah. Get him on the ship. Throughout all of that, it's Sabe. But Padme's with him. It's just Sabe is being the queen. But the question I'm trying to answer is...

No, I understand. I know. What scenes is Padme playing the queen? They get on an ostentatious silver spaceship. And you thought TC-14's tea tray was shiny. This is... Naboo, by the way, very clearly

ostentatiousness is the name of the game there, right? Everyone's wearing crazy clothes. Every palace is the size of a freaking, I don't know, tower. I don't know. They're big. And trying to answer our question, is this what this fucking movie's about? Is this George Lucas' version of

Rules of the Game, where he's trying to show a culture of decadence, of over privilege for its wealthy upper class that needs to crumble yeah is this a situation where the old ways just simply cannot maintain anymore this is actually a great point because yes because the trade federation represents kind of the lowest uh you know there's sort of a cut rate thing right like they got these chintzy battle droids to do their fighting for them.

They got these lame donut ships. Yeah. And they were walking around. And yeah, Naboo is the opposite. It's this burnished sort of like upper crust, peaceful, leave us alone. What? Like, you know, the Captain Panaka

with his leather jodhpurs and his little his little hat and you know i'm gonna do eight costume changes in one day like maybe and there's silver ship maybe this is something that cannot be running country yeah that's that's how good things have gotten that they're just like yeah whatever okay the 14 year old do it for a while cute yeah she looks great just throw her up on the throne. Because there is, there's a weird kind of mixed message to it where on one hand, it feels like a very, very paranoid film

where George Lucas, a man with an incredible amount of money. Yeah, who lives in a secret ranch, basically in the middle of the mountains. Is afraid of a government meddling with its people, trying to control them, trying to take things away from them, not let them sell products or buy products, right?

On one hand, that feels like that's the case. Sure. But on the other hand, it does feel a little bit like, you know, this sort of the classic American story of crime and capitalism being close bedfellows, you know, and how other countries have these sort of traditions of you were born into privilege. It was about your bloodline. It was about your socioeconomic class, your family, where you've been. You could only grow so much out of what you were born into.

Whereas in America, you could swindle your way to whatever you wanted to be. You work hard enough. You're cutthroat enough. You make enough money. That's royalty. So where are you taking this? Are you just like rich people? Well, the Phantom Menace in the film is the dismantling of...

Of the aristocracy. Of the aristocracy, of the proper government. Yeah. You know? We're going to get to a point where it's just chaos. And it's like a gloopy government. It's a government that doesn't really function anymore. Right.

You know, the Senate is just sort of mired in discussion all the time. Right. The Jedis are the one thing that doesn't have an analog. Because the way they behave in this movie, they're like the freaking Vatican. You know, like they're these like monks. Well, that's what I was going to say. That's what I was going to say. They're like the Vatican.

They're like. But like you have to pass a blood test to be a Jedi. That's the weird part of the whole thing. Yeah. We'll get to that later, I feel like. Yeah, I think Jedi Council is its own episode. Oh, my. what is happening in there where do they poop

we'll get to that in the chairs they all sit in those big chairs in the Jedi Council he just leaves and they're just still sitting there they all just sit there looking at each other all day they don't even have computers or anything to look at are they just sitting there just blissed out on Molly is that what they're doing they're they just sitting there? Of course. Just blissed out on Molly.

Is that what they're doing? They're not just sitting there. They're pooping. They're laying solid foundation. That's the highest level of Jedi. It's just constant pooping. Here's a fact. They never stand up in the film.

No, they do not. You see them all see it the whole time, but the action figures came with the chairs. And if you looked in the chair, there was a hole for poopoo to go in. All right. So back to pod me back to you had your list i want to finish off your list on the ship they start strategizing it's still sabé kira knightley is in the chair now across these last two scenes when the nemoidians are there when she's talking to sao bibble when they're on the ship strategizing with qui-gon

and obi-wan what are we to do Sabé is making all the decisions they're going queen how do you think we should act and she's just speaking confidently do they know what questions she's going to be asked are they training her in advance is power being transferred over to Sabé as long as she's the decoy there's one moment where they ask her a question I don't remember what it was

I'm sorry I didn't write it down I apologize I'm trying my hardest here but they ask her a question and she sort of glances over to padme and padme gives her a knowing look and then she's like that won't be necessary or whatever she said i was gonna say there does seem to be a little bit of rapport there's one moment yeah but other than that padme's just standing there silently while someone else runs the country issues you know royal decrees yeah it's true okay so then they go we gotta land there's an attack they their hyperdrive gets blasted they send r2d2 out to fix it but it's still

fried which brings me to my very very brief merchandise sidebar of the week america's favorite segment yeah i love griff's merchandise sidebar i'm excited this is how extreme the excitement was around Phantom Menace and how confident they were that they could sell anything. There was a Toy Maid. In addition to all the action figures, all the vehicles, they knew kids wanted the ComTech chips, which everyone was crazy about. Was there a HyperDrive?

There was a set called HyperDrive Repair Kit. They were so confident in kids buying anything that in addition to the figures that came with accessories, they sold packs that were additional accessories. So it's like, here's the Naboo underwater creature accessory pack. Sure. You get a few little Naboo creatures. Yeah.

Here's additional, like, battle droid weapons. And you get a blister cart, and it would just have guns on it. Usually you buy a figure, you get a gun. This was like, okay, distribute the guns. I'm going to show you guys here. We'll post this on whatever online thing we have soon, the Tumblr, the Twitter. We're recording this episode in advance of any of them being released. So we have to figure these things out.

But all this will be visible somewhere, which we'll tell you later. But this is just a picture. It's just a hyperdrive on a package. Okay. So yeah, it's basically a circle. That's the panel that you remove to get into the inner wiring of the Hyperdrive. Right, okay. And then there's some wrenches, a spanner.

It looks like a credit card is what it looks like, right? It's like a thick credit card. It's like a pack of playing cards, and it's got some detailing on it, and it's broken. The idea was that it's the burnt Hyperdrive. Right, and you screw in the sort of replacement part, right? Because there's another piece that fits into it. Yes. Well, it says three removal panels and four tools. So it comes with four very

exciting tools. A wrench, something that looks like a meat cleaver. They're all wrenches. It comes with four wrenches. It comes with four different wrenches. Space wrenches. And the idea was, a lot of fun for kids, you get to take the panels on and off the hyperdrive. Here's my question. Does this, if you bought the ship, the spaceship, does it fit into it?

Yes, it does. Okay. Well, that's pretty cool. I mean, and by pretty cool, I mean not cool. But, you know. That was the idea. It was that the spaceship came, I think, with the undamaged hyperdrive. And you had to separately buy the hyperdrive.

It's interesting. Like, if you just want to play act a hyperdrive crisis of some sort, you would need to buy that additional. Or, you know, use your imagination, but why not buy that thing? Maybe this is the... I can't tell which one this is. But there was... It did fit into the ship. I know that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you own that toy? The hyperdrive repair?

No, I wish I did. Did you own the ship? No. Okay. No, I didn't. You know, and I'll have you know, and I'm sure all of our listeners know this already, but in a 2003 list in the now- Toy Fair magazine, the Naboo Royal Starship was voted the number one best Star Wars toy of all time. Well, that seems a little high, but it's a very sleek, sexy ship.

It was a good toy. It was large. You could put Rick O'Lea in there. That's the pilot of the Starship, who is one of the most infuriating characters of the whole movie i think good man he he i mean we were complaining about exposition he literally just just delivers exposition just tells them where they're about to land as if they didn't know where they were exactly and uh says things like oh we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get by these guys no shit

we're gonna need a hyperdrive why don't you go to toys r us and buy one they're selling them separately for fucking ten dollars here's another thing the hyperdrive. Why don't you go to Toys R Us and buy one? They're selling them separately for fucking $10. Here's another thing. The hyperdrive repair kit was part of like a later wave of releases. They were like, we're going to keep on selling this merchandise. Oh, it wasn't in the initial push? They were like, this is when fans were going to buy anything. So it's very, very limited. They're currently going for $50 online if you just want to buy the hyperdrive.

That is just outrageous. Okay, so that's merchandise sidebar. I like that. They get on the Starship. Yeah, they get on the Stars hyperdrive. That is just outrageous. Okay, so that's Merchandise Sidebar. I like that. They get on the Starship. Yeah, they get on the Starship. Sabe is the queen. They go, we're going to have to stop on Tatooine to get a new hyperdrive.

Right. You know, you could just go to Toys R Us. And, uh... Yeah, I mean, I guess it's because they have to, they just, they're in hyperdrive for a while and they have to get, they have to drop out because it's broken. It burns out, yeah.

And so they just drop out near this shit desert planet run by the huts right but but not part of the galactic center because uh you got to take my handmaid with you right and qui-gon i just want to interject before we go too far ahead uh that scene where they introduce r2d2 to the queen yeah i'm sorry they introduced r2d2 toD2 to the queen? Yeah. I'm sorry, they introduce R2-D2 to Sa Bay, the royal decoy queen. Of course. And she says, clean the droid up? Yeah.

Why did we have to see that? Hey, man. What is the point of that scene? He's a dirty droid. Gotta clean him up. But once again, this is Sa Bay. She's not even the queen. That's what happens when you take just a girl who happens to look like the queen

and give her all the power to say whatever she wants it's a little like Dave it's a little like the Ivan Reitman movie Dave sure yeah in a country where

anyone can become president anyone just did yeah president has a heart attack they find a guy who looks exactly like the president they go just

read the script say what we're telling you to say but he realizes that he has the power because anything he says in front of the camera will be

quote unquote what the president said. Exactly. And maybe Sabé. Sabé's like, hey, I'm in charge for a bit. Let's clean some droids. She's a neat freak. Yeah, she's a total neat freak.

That's the thing. They're all like, it's like grumpy. And Padme's shooting her the side eyes going, Sabé, stick to the script. What the fucking droid be dirty? Who cares? She's going, if I got, first of all, let's get a handy wipe. She says, nice to meet you, R2-D2. Come on.

The whole thing is bizarre because it is funny. That's R2-D2. He just pops out of the, I don't know, droid pocket on the ship. Like he was a fucking lotto ball. Yeah. He just happened to be the guy. There's like four others or three others. I think they all get exploded.

All of them. They send them all up at the same time. Right. R2 fixes the hyperdrive a little bit. He's good. And he goes down there and they're like, oh, thanks buddy. Do you really want to get to know him? You just lost three of them. Maybe just put him back in the chamber.

The whole relationship with robots in this movie is... So strange. Very strange. It's not explored because he has a personality he clearly has one and they're happy and they clean him up he can't clean himself he doesn't have any arms great so maybe he's in cahoots with sabe maybe he was talking sabe on the down low and he was like he like winks his little eye light at her and he's like, give me a fucking shower at the very least. Bitch, let's get on the level.

He's like, I know you ate the queen. My ass is stinky. I'm a computer. I need to be cleaned and stat. My ass is stinky. That's what R2-D2 says to Sabe. That's what he says. He goes, my ass is stinky.

Yeah. And so she's like, don't worry. says. He goes, my ass is stinky. Yeah. And so she's like, don't worry. Next time I'm in the chair. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Panaka's there. Because Sabe likes to check in with the droids in their little droid container. Well, she doesn't like to fuck droids.

That's the problem with Sabe. They're trying to put her on a short leash. That's not even on the Wikipedia. That's not on the Wikipedia. That's on the Griffopedia. That's exclusive. That's exclusive. That's not on the Wikipedia. That's on the Griffopedia. That's exclusive. That's exclusive. That's exclusive.

Scoop. All right. They land on Tatooine. It's all Padme. Yeah, Padme goes with them. Qui-Gon, by the way, renowned Jedi master, at no point seems aware of this deception. No one does. He's like, I got to bring a fucking maid.

Why? No one seems aware. No one is like, huh, are you the queen? Do you look like the queen? You, that girl who works for the queen, who has the exact same first name as the queen and has the face of the queen. And also, I'm a Jedi and I have mental powers. Yeah.

Right. Are you the queen? I can see what's going to happen. Hey, Qui-Gon, why don't you look about 30 pages ahead in this script? You're gonna get a lightsaber in the chest. Yeah. You dumb dickwad. You dumb dickwad.

You big dick dummy. Oh, boy. Producer Ben has one last interjection. Okay. I just want to also point out they steal Spaceballs joke. They do? They do. What's the Spaceballs joke?

And tell me if I'm wrong. No, sure. But at one point when they're discussing the hyperdrive, the equipment, they mention the fact, yeah, well, we've got a bunch of the Queen's clothes. Oh, that's true. They do say that. They steal a joke from Spaceballs.

And I'll say, actually, you know, now that you point out, there is that scene during the Duel of Fates, that moment during the Duel of Fates, that moment during the Duel of Fates fight when they cut Darth Maul's lightsaber in half and then his penis turns into another lightsaber. That also felt like it was stolen from Spaceballs, is when his pee-pee turns into a laser sword. I was outraged when I saw that one in particular. It's just blatant theft.

It's worth noting that they're like, geez, we got a bunch of our fucking clothes. We managed to smuggle those on this ship somehow. Why are they bringing her clothes? It was a last second escape. No one else in this movie ever changes their clothes. It wasn't a planned escape.

They were just walking. We don't see those trunks. No. The Jedi's attack, they were just like, quick, what ship can we get on? We gotta get out of here right now because it's infested with droids. Just one second. She has eight wheelie bags that she gets on there. Maybe it's just every royal ship

just has a bunch of clothes preloaded in case she needs to make several costume changes during a space flight. Maybe, because they all have those big flowing robes with those hoods and you can't even see their arms. They just sort of look like little teepees. Maybe underneath each of them is constantly carrying two trunks worth of clothes.

Sashay, verite. Verite. That's not one of them, is it? I don't know. Anything can be a name. Alright. Tazonday. Podmay. Podmay. Queen of the Naboo is just on Tatooine goes on to a gangster planet

chills out in the sand meets a slave I think we'll do more on Tatooine later sexual chemistry with a six year old boy once again it's own episode we'll do all that stuff. Right now.

And then she gets back on the space plane, on the old spaceship. Stil Sabe. Stil Sabe is the queen. They have Anakin with them. There are scenes back there where they introduce Anakin to Obi-Wan Stil Sabe, right? Then they get to Coruscant. They get to Coruscant. That's right.

I forgot about this. When they get off the to Coruscant. That's right. I forgot about this. When they get off the planet Coruscant, it's once again. Amidala is back in the Regnals. Yes. It's true because she goes to the Galactic Senate. She meets with Senator Palpatine. Chancellor Valorum. Yes.

She meets Chancellor Valorum. She goes to the Senate. She does the vote of no confidence. She does a whole scene in the Senate that's all Natalie Portman made to die in a committee she's back to the weird voice when they present

when they're getting ready to present Anakin to the Jedi Council she's wearing a clothes hanger she has these pointy shoulders it's very strange when they're getting ready to present Anakin to the Jedi Council he comes in, sneaks into a room probably hoping to see some

titties. Because he's like, oh, is someone going on here? They're dressing Queen Amidala, who is now an Alley Portman. Right. And he goes, hey, is Padme here? And she's like, no, I'm sorry, Padme is not here presently. And her weird stilted voice. Right. And he's like,

well, probably going to go away for the rest of my life now so can you just tell her to say goodbye and he just murders these lines yeah it's so good and she's like i'll make sure she hears it and once again he doesn't realize that like oh that's weird why is padme not here her one job is to constantly be next to the queen right also why is there some other girl i haven't seen before and why is the girl i'm talking to look and sound like Padme none of that right it's true no one during the movie ever says like what's up with that

what's up yeah whatever this is a bigger point I'm building up to the denouement of this episode if you will absolutely okay so all of that right yeah she does her Coruscant business then they get back on the ship I'm going back to Naboo.

I'm going back to Naboo. You're going back to Naboo. Right. Once again, Sabe. Right, she's Sabe again. Once she gets back on the ship, it's Sabe. Once they get to Naboo, it's Sabe. It's weird that it's Sabe on the ship where she's under the least threat.

It's weird that that's when she does it. Yep. Well, whatever. Okay, so now it's Sabe. They land back on Naboo. It's Sabe. Yep. Talking to Sayo Bibble. It's does it. Yep. Well, whatever. Okay, so now it's Sabe. They land back on Naboo. It's Sabe. Yep. Talking to Sayo Bibble.

It's Sabe. Yep. Meeting with the Gungans. It's Sabe. Wait a second. Negotiations are moving along fine. She's trying to get the Gungans to decide to fight for them

because the Tanaka's made clear they don't have an army. By the way, they land on Naboo and they're like, huh, where are the Gungans? And Jar Jar's like, oh, I know, over there.

And they just like walk and just cut to the Gungans in their secret place which is just more forest. huh, where are the Gungans? And Jar Jar's like, I know, over there. And they just like walk and just cut to the Gungans in their secret place which is just more forest. We'll get to the Gungans later, but. Yeah. It's on episode.

Once again, it's on episode. This is the future. They're talking, he goes, eh, I don't want to fight for you. Yeah. And Sabe is going. Yeah, the Gungans are not into it.

Yeah, well, you must understand. And Padme like cuts her off. Yeah, Padme's like, Sabe, I don't want to hear another word out of you. I am Queen Amidala. And Padme cuts her off. Yeah, Padme's like, Sabai, I don't want to hear another word out of you. I am Queen Amidala.

And he's like, By the way, no one's like, oh, no, you're not. You're actually just a handmaiden. Yeah. Talking to the queen. Everyone's just like, oh, you're right.

It's totally that one. Why is everyone like that? Everyone's either aghast or there's a great moment where they cut to Qui-Gon giving Obi-Wan a knowing look and Obi-Wan kind of smirks and he's like well played yeah yeah very appreciative good job and nicely done i think the whole purpose of this honestly is the concept is she is finally lifting the veil and saying to the gungans who are naboo's sort of second class

yeah hey i trust you enough to give you this information. That was the idea. I actually have Keira Knightley play me a lot of the time, and I go hang out with slaves on desert planets. I, ironically enough, have only worn two of the seven iconic outfits in this movie because most of the time this other bitch is playing me. Exactly. I've been saying bitch a lot on this episode.

Don't like it. What if I apply it to guys? time this other bitch is playing me. Exactly. I've been saying bitch a lot on this episode. Don't like it. What if I apply it to guys? So this bitch boss ass. Yeah. Is like. He's his own problem. What's he like? He's like. That's what he's like. He goes. Oh I don't know. That's not what he sounds like. He is

his own. Oh I am boss enough. No he's another white actor doing a completely different thing. Also completely offensive. Yep. And he loves slobbering out the side of his mouth. Okay, so from this point on, it's Padme. But now she's not in the royal queen garb.

She's in this sleek number. She's got kind of a flight suit. She's got a gun. Got a little cape. Got a sexy gun. Sexy gun. Everyone else has this sort of classic Star Wars blaster kind of big blocky thing. She has this sleek, pointy little silver.

Everything is so silvery and sexy. So much. Silver must be their main export. No, they don't export. Remember, they have to import everything. What is this planet? Silver must be too Naboo what corn is to America. I know.

They're just hooked. They're just hooked on it. No, this is a planet that has no products and has to import products. That's the whole point of the trade blockade. And the invasion. I still don't understand why they invade. I don't understand why. For guys who are so concerned with whether or not things are legal, why they invade. I don't understand why.

For guys who are so concerned with whether or not things are legal, he finds out... David just knocked his mic off his mic stand in frustration. He was gesticulating so wildly in frustration. For guys, what happens is, and they keep on asking whether or not

things are legal. I won't do my impression again, but they keep on asking whether or not things are legal. They want to block trade. she's like you can't do that and they're like oh you say we can't do that then we'll invade your planet it's very clearly illegal right but then again they just do what darth whatever tells them to do that's akin to being like i think you're a thief oh you think my i'm a thief for accusing me of being a thief, I will now murder somebody. You're accusing me of doing a small crime,

I will now commit a greater crime. And what is it they want out of Naboo, even? I don't know what they want out of Naboo. What demands will they not yield to? They're just blockading the whole thing. So now it's on Badala, it's the last 25 minutes of the movie, and we finally revealed who's who.

Sabe is out, like yesterday's newspaper. But she's notala. It's the last 25 minutes of the movie. We finally revealed who's who. Sabé is out like yesterday's newspaper. But she's not really. She's still wearing the regnal clothes. I know. And now she's in the middle of a war in a battlefield. Yeah, she's in a firefight. She's in a tough dress. She can't.

She's carrying it up by the side. She's just towing around. She does have a slightly more stripped down version of it, but still, she's got crazy hair and makeup. It's true. I feel bad for the girl. Hey, man. Keira Knightley's doing just fine. She's doing great. Just got her second

Oscar nomination. Congratulations. Lost to the great Patty Arquette. She did. The great. Yeah, great. Patty Arquette. Patty A. Patty A. Patty Cakes. So now Amidala saves the day, whatever. At the end of the movie, there's a celebration. No, but there is one last scene that you're forgetting where it's like the Neimoidians are in the throne room.

And they're like, they see Amidala and they're like, oh, there she is. And then suddenly like Padme bursts in and she's like, no, it's me. And he says, well, that one, you know, I guess. Right. They send him after Keira Knightley because they think that's the real one. Sure. And he says about Padme, this one's a decoy. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so great job. I guess it worked. Yeah, there's a whole, she sits in it and gets some secret guns. It's a really dumb scene. I guess, congratulations, people of Naboo, it was worth your time to do. This incredibly convoluted plot pays off, it gives them 10 seconds in which to pull one over the Nimrod. It grants a little bit of a window of time. The whole thing. off like it gives them like 10 seconds in which to pull one over the remote it like it grants like

a little bit of a window of time the whole thing but here's my big question now to wrap up this episode you have a big question yep we've discussed its importance within the text of the film within the story it did work ultimately you gain two seconds congratulations about as effective as sending tc-14 with the t-tray to quote-unquote distract them maybe they should effective as sending TC-14 with a tea tray to quote unquote distract them. Maybe they should have sent TC-14 in to the room. They always should have sent TC-14. Send in a drone. Why aren't you doing an Amidala voice?

Because she has the most bizarre fucking accent in this movie. I think. It's just when she's being the queen too. Otherwise she's like, oh hey pal I'm American. Like, you know, and she, like, eats a big old hamburger. Yeah. Am I an angel?

No. So you're a slave? Like, she's a normal kid. Yeah, yeah. The rest of the time she goes, the people of Naboo have asked for- I will not sit here and discuss this in a committee. Not is the word. I will not. Every good impression has a key.

There's one word you can use to unlock the rest i will not um okay so it worked right but here's my bigger question i will not condone a course of action this will lead us to war that was in the trailer i remember that it's very very brooding moment the movie tried to present this as a surprise to us the audience yeah right We're not discussing anymore whether or not it was a surprise to the characters, whether it worked. Yeah, to the audience. To the audience. It was a piece of cinema.

Aside from the fact that all the merchandise ruined it. Right. Forget the, yeah, forgetting the, look, a lot of the audience not as into the merchandise. Look, I was following things very closely, and the Taco Bell toy was called Queen Amidala's Secret Identity. And it had a Padme figure that you could put inside a Queen Amidala figure. All right.

So that ruined it pretty thoroughly. Not everyone was following the fast food toy market as much as I was at that time at the ripe old age of 10. Right. Okay, but even discounting that. Natalie Portman was considered a rising star. She'd done Leon the Professional. She'd done Beautiful Girls, maybe one other movie. Once Taxi Come Out. She'd done Diary

of Anne Frank on Broadway. Yeah, so she was like a big, it was a big deal. Oh, here's this rising star. She's now in Star Wars. This is going to make her a huge movie star. Absolutely. A lot of press around her being in it. In the trailers, they really played up Queen Amidala. They were showing the shots from the beginning with her with the classic, the red dress, and the crazy

hair. All that stuff, right? All the marketing material was, here's Queen Amidala all dolled up with the makeup, with the hair, in the dress. This is played by Natalie Portman Rising Star. Right. Oh, also, there's some other character named Padme played by Natalie Portman. And they never made it...

They never really explained that. They never explained that. No, and it was like, oh, why do some of the Natalie Portman action figures have a different name than other ones? The trading cards, the books, the posters, all of that, right? Queen Amidala, also Padme.

They tried to hide Padme a little, and they wouldn't talk about it, but they were like, no, no, no, it's Queen Amidala's the character. I don't know who this Padme is why are you asking me is that what they

were like when Congress when Congress was asking we know nothing about Padme they like were quiet

I'm not sure what character you're referring to Queen Amidala is the leader Queen Amidala is played by Natalie Portman

yes that's right and Natalie Portman plays one character in the film I remember being surprised like oh they're not doing like

a Mike Myers like Mike Myers and Mike Myers in the trailer where they're selling that Natalie Portman role, he has one character in the film. I remember being surprised where, like, oh, they're not doing, like, a Mike Myers, like, Mike Myers and Mike Myers in the trailer where they're selling that Natalie Portman plays two roles. Wait, why didn't they do that, though? Why aren't they playing out? Natalie Portman and Natalie Portman. I was like, dual role, that's kind of interesting. Maybe it turns out

that they're twins. Sure. Instead, it's this weird, like, kind of false It's half-baked. I think it's the best way to put it. But why is it kept it it's not a princess princess and her poor decoys who might die princess and the servants it's like in middle school uh uh saw bay asked out a boy and he was like i wish i could but padme just asked me out right but now you get to be a handmaid If you come in second to Padme in any competition, you get to be a handmaiden.

That's how they picked him. Yeah. Sasha lost to Madden 99, and that's how she ended up being there. Yeah, she lost a game of Madden 99. She lost a game of Madden 99, yeah. Anyway, the film wanted this to be a surprise to the audience. Does it?

Yeah. Okay. I guess so. I guess the moment, when is it a surprise? Is it when she reveals it to the Gungans? Yes. Is that the twist? Yes.

They want that to be a surprise. I think so. I remember people gasping in the theater. Wow. I do not remember that. I remember no reaction. But I know, you're right, the film does not tip its hand entirely,

even though it is sort of clear if you know it, but yeah, you're right. Watching it now, we know, and it's clear in that, you know. But George Lucas is like, look, no one's going to be able to tell the difference. And you can't really tell the difference. I don't think the movie's trying to get you to figure it out. And as we said, it was only re-watching it closely

now that we realize how much of the film is Keira Knightley. So this is my question to you. If most of the film you're going to have Natalie Portman playing Padme and you're going to

publicize the fact that Natalie Portman is in your film, why not say Natalie Portman has been cast in the role of Padme, a handmaiden to the Queen?

Playing the role of the Queen, a smaller role is some unknown British actress, Keira Knightley. Look out for her! Because she might bend it by Beckham sometime. The entire running time, you're focusing on Padme because she is the more developed character. Yeah. Right? You're focusing on Padme.

Dude, it's because Natalie Portman's in the trailer. And she is Amidala sometimes. But I'm saying... No, I know know i get you if they wanted to genuinely be a surprise then never have natalie portman play amidala never promote that natalie portman is amidala cast kira knightley as quote-unquote amidala have natalie portman as padme be like this is the little handmaiden girl you're gonna fall in love with and in all the scenes where they're at the senate padme leans over whispers something you're like that's interesting

that they're so close that they're sharing secrets in the middle of the Senate little unprofessional but okay whatever go on at the end of the movie Padme reveals you thought I was but a handmaiden I am in fact the queen

now you knew the whole time but why would anyone care because they'd be like oh who's the queen again what does the queen do it just feels like such a lazy twist when it's like

everything about this movie we know the two actresses yeah this movie has a lot of plot twists none of which I feel like could be shocking for the audience right like the trailer shows that Darth Maul has two

lights it has a dual edge lightsaber within the film it's played off as a big shock in the film it's like it should have just been we should have shit our pants at the sight of that. It should have been so cool. But they gave that all away.

Which, you know, whatever. I get it. It's hard to keep secrets and so on and so forth. And the idea that Palpatine and Darth Sidious, they're the same person. Same dude. Spoiler alert. They're the same dude. It's not that hard to tell. No, they look the same. They're the same person. Same dude. Spoiler alert. They're the same dude. It's not that hard to tell.

No. No, they look the same. They look the same. It's like, oh, that guy, the guy who's kind of like doing all these subtle political machinations. Let's put a hood on that guy. Wait a second. There are two separate instances in this film of two ostensibly separate characters with different names being played by the same actor.

That is right. And the film acts like both of them are things you won't be able to figure out. That is also right. This is what I'm saying. Like, you know, it's like George Lucas wanted all the things, the elements of a twisty sci-fi serial, but he wanted, ooh, serial. Ooh. But he, you know,

but none of the payoff. He achieves none of the payoff. Agreed. Okay, so in conclusion, wrapping it up, the same question, we re-examine every week at this point in the show. Sure, what's The Phantom Menace about? I think it's about

the necessary end of aristocracy, right? Yeah, I think that's a totally good thing that we hit on. I think that's a real point. I think that's a real point. Naboo, as much as it's beautiful and as much as it has this really great, fine-tuned, clear and easy to understand system of handmaidens and queen and teenagers running the planet. That's all very clear and all makes makes total sense, and it's great. It's just great. And everyone in the movie just walks around saying,

this is so great. I love it. It might be, this is the end of something. It has to collapse. It's like Ninochka. It's like Ninochka. Melvin Douglas falls in love with a communist from Russia, and she makes him realize, man, my silly, like French bourgeois lifestyle

might not be long for this world. Or, yeah, I mean, the French is a perfect, right? And maybe that's what this is. It's the French, you know, it's Louis XVI and it's just, you know, let them eat silver. And Naboo is just like, give me more silver and more trunks of clothes. And the trade federation's like, you guys are a total pain in the ass we're gonna blockade you and invade you and it's worth saying you know because of course the title episode one implies that george lucas maybe plans to make more of these some days yeah i think i think that was the idea i don't know i don't i don't think they ever got around to it but as a prospective franchise starter right one could assume it might be interesting to show the decay. Right. There's maybe

there's some new order on the way. And by the time you get to, you know, less long ago in a galaxy far away. Right. Still a long time ago. But a little less long ago. Right. We're talking maybe only, I don't know, a squillion years. Yeah. I don't know what post-BBY

is. You know, it's 16 BBY, ADY, whatever it is. Yeah, I think it's... Perhaps the future of this world, these Star Wars worlds... Right, yeah. ...would be a little more run down, a little more beaten down. It's interesting to watch it at its most decadent, its most formal, with time for these costume changes for handmaidens,

these weird human three-card Monty games that perhaps are a waste of time. But that was how they kept themselves busy. That's how they kept themselves busy. Naboo has two jobs, Queen, Sio Bibble, and Captain Pancake. So they're like, well, we got a few extra ladies. Okay, just be the handmaidens maybe,

and then you can all switch around. Everyone gets to be queen for a day, right? I think we've summed up what Phantom Mass is about in four words, at least with regards to the subjects that we discussed today. Mo' money, mo' problems.

I think we have it in four words. Queen for a day. Nailed it. You nailed it. Thank you to Perdue or Ben. Thank you, Perdue or Ben. Thank you, guys. Thanks for putting on the mic

after I knocked it off. In theory, it's the illegal action of the Trade Federation. You guys are passionate. It's good. I did. I literally just beheaded this microphone. It was dramatic. Thank you for listening. Thank you, guys. We'll be back next week. And may the Schwartz be

with you.