Blind Plea - Listen Now: Believe Her

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

  We’re dropping in your feed today to bring you another true crime podcast from Lemonada Media. Believe Her is a riveting chronicle that grapples with assumptions we make about domestic and sexual violence, the long reach of trauma, and the ways in which survival is criminalized.   In September 2017, Nikki Addimando, a young mom of two, shot her partner of nine years, Chris Grover. Nikki was sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for murder but she claims she was acting in self-defense. In this first episode, journalist Justine van der Leun takes us on a journey that starts with the night of the killing and ends at the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility, a maximum-security prison in upstate New York.   The entire season of Believe Her is out in full now. To hear more of Believe Her, head to https://lemonada.lnk.to/believeherfd  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode of Blind Plea is brought to you by Huggy's Little Movers, aka the go-to diaper from My Baby. Huggy's Little Movers diaper has this amazing curved stretchy fit. That's awesome because it means your baby isn't getting out of the diaper no matter how much they move around, which for My Baby is always a lot. They also offer up to 12-hour protection against leaks, which is just amazing. Get your baby's butt into Huggy's best-fitting diaper, Huggy's Little Movers. We got you, baby. Hey listeners, I'm here today to tell you about Lemonade Media's newest limited podcast series called Declined. This series takes you through the journey of two exceptional women from

incarceration to freedom, ultimately leading to the creation of the Returning Artist Guild, an organization that uplifts the artwork of currently and formerly incarcerated artists across the country. Call Declined is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Before we get started, a content warning. This episode contains accounts of domestic and sexual violence. Nikki Ademondo is a young mom who would do anything for her kids. And tonight, she says she made a decision to protect them and to protect herself. She made a decision to survive. I think you need to relax, okay?

Just take a few deep breaths, okay? There's anything but... Just one more time, go through the story with me. Is there anybody else in the house, actually? Okay. In the dash cam footage we're listening to, Nikki is talking to two police officers. She's been idling at a stoplight.

An officer drives up behind her. And even though her arms are heavy and numb, she manages to open the car door and get out. Now, Nikki's trembling. She's frantically spitting out words. This is mean for my kids. They can say, right, where do I go? Like, where do I do?

Okay, well, obviously we've got to figure out what's going on here first, okay? Your kids are fine. We are completely safe here. All right. It's just after 2 a.m. and Nikki's kids are sleeping in the backseat. Still at the westbound with a complainant here. And she has two young infants in the car. For the past nine years, Nikki has been in a relationship with Chris Grover, a local here. She has two young infants in the car.

For the past nine years, Nikki has been in a relationship with Chris Grover, a local gymnastics coach and the children's father. What's his name? Chris Grover. Chris Grover? Dad, and I couldn't... According to the Chris Grover. Tonight, Chris's blood is on Nikki's leggings. Her own blood is in her underwear.

She's explaining this to the cops right now. You're okay? Are you injured anywhere? I was here in shock right now. Head's actually clear. Okay. And? Was that consensual?

No. She says there was a gun. She says, oh my god, it's over. As the cops continue to question Nikki for two hours on the side of the road, the kids wake up. Two hours on the side of the road, the kids wake up. Nikki tells them that they just need to drive over to the police station to work things out. But her four-year-old son Ben does not want to go. Nikki is sure she acted in self-defense.

She thinks the fight for her life is finally over. I'm here to tell you that fight is just beginning. Because in our world, the only good victim is a dead one. This is Believe Her. I'm Justine Vanderloon. Chapter 1. Still Not Free We love a true crime story when the woman is dead. Her naked body is the starting point of most podcasts and shows and books, including one of my own.

I'm a journalist, and years ago I wrote a book that looked at the murder of a woman. It was about a lot of other things, but the murder was the starting point. In these true crime stories along comes the hero. The hero is a hard drinking cop with his own demons, or the hero is an honorable prosecutor with a heart of gold. In any case, the hero is on a quest for justice. And in that quest, the end game is always a trial that results in hard prison time. This is the only way we can envision justice. The woman is dead and her killer is locked up. And then it happens all over again. Another person dead, another person in prison.

What a pathetic cycle. But it's how it goes. Only in death can a woman secure her status as the perfect victim. No voice, no power, no pulse. Then she deserves our sympathy. That's why Nicky's story is the upside down story. It's the story we don't tell, the one where she doesn't die. This is the story of survival. This story of survival begins in a leafy suburban town called Poughkeepsie, which sits along a sparkling stretch of the Hudson River in upstate New York.

It's a lovely place to raise a family. And Poughkeepsie has a pretty big circle of modern hippie moms. They're semi-progressive, they buy organic, there are a lot of essential oil schemes going on, and they gather at this maternity boutique called Waddle and Swaddle. They talk baby wearing and home births and nursing toddlers.

Nikki was one of those moms. And like many of them, she took her kids to music classes. Let's get our bodies to rockin'. She and Chris didn't have much money, but Nikki was always trying to find a way. Family had gifted their son Ben a semester at the coveted

Mid-Hudson Music Together classes, because Ben, everyone could see, was a baby musical genius. The music together teacher was a woman named Elizabeth Clifton. Back some years ago, when Elizabeth and Nikki met, the classes were held in a spacious room at the Jewish Community Center. Parents came with their kids, sang silly songs, danced around. I mean, I see a lot of parents who are all doing their best at parenting, right?

But Nikki stood out to me from the very beginning. She was there fully present in the moment. Elizabeth is also a present person, and she's perceptive. Before she was a music teacher, she was a social worker. She's the kind of woman who always has snacks in her bag, high protein snacks, especially during a crisis. I'm packing my bag. Of pepperoni?

I have turkey pepperoni. I was really hungry. Just like a slab of it? No, like in a little bag. Slices? You're sitting there eating slices of turkey pepperoni? Yes. Yes.

After Nikki and Elizabeth met in class, they became friends. And eventually, Elizabeth turned into one of Nikki's confidants. Elizabeth is trustworthy. Plus, she didn't know anyone in Nikki's family or circle of childhood friends. So who, on a practical level, could she tell about Nikki's secrets? Nobody. Let's go back to the stoplight and the dash cam video where you first heard Nikki talking to the cops. Just before that, Nikki's down the street at her apartment. Apartment 7K.

Trying to wrap her mind around what just happened with the gun. And one of the first phone calls she makes is to Elizabeth. They have this long-standing deal. Elizabeth will always answer if Nikki is calling. It was a little after two. I woke up and saw her name and like that bold upright embed to answer the call. And she's just started like talking

and saying he pulled a gun out of the couch and said he was gonna kill me. This thing that I had been afraid of for like a year and a half was happening now. And this was, this was, this was the moment, except she was, she was there. She was alive. To Elizabeth, Nikki's been living

in a potentially lethal situation with Chris for years. So when she hears Nikki's voice on the other end, and when she learns that a gun is involved, she immediately thinks, Nikki's in serious danger. She runs downstairs. In my mind, like she had a little head start or something and I could maybe tuck her safely into my garage.

Elizabeth is thinking, if Nikki has just left Chris, Nikki's gonna need to hide, especially if Chris is armed. But then, Elizabeth gets another call. This time, Nikki's with the cops. She's asking, can Elizabeth come meet them? Sure, okay. So Elizabeth drives to the scene. The cops usher her to the bowling alley parking lot nearby. She's just sitting there, possibly stressed knowing

on her turkey pepperoni. And then officer came back and said the kids were didn't want to leave Nikki and they were scared. So could I drive to the police station? And so that's what we did. And the police station is just down the road. In fact, if Nikki had taken a left, she would have been there in a few minutes. It's an enormous beige metal warehouse. At night, it looks especially unwelcoming.

I walked in first and was like sitting and waiting. And then the door opened and Nikki and the kids came in and I just like hugged her. And they took Nikki through a door. So Elizabeth stays behind with Nikki's kids. The kids were like in their pajamas, like no shoes. I had to like help Ben go to the bathroom and all I had with me was my phone. And I like remember looking at apps and doing games with the kids on the phone and listening

to music and some officers. Like, we were getting hungry at that point. They offered to go get us breakfast from McDonald's. Egg McMuffin for Elizabeth and Pancakes for Ben and his little sister, Faye. The cops moved them to something called the Family Room. There's some stuffed animals, some picture books. It's freezing. It's one of those warm September nights with the air conditioning blasting.

Like it was just as the night shifts today and I can remember being on the sofa, like, and there was a blanket there. So I like pulled Fay onto my lap and covered us with the blanket and shivering and the kids, I don't know, just felt like I needed to kind of cuddle them. So we did. And we sat there for a long time.

They had asked me to get all the kits close, including their diapers and underwear and everything. So that was sort of like where I was like, well, that's weird. Like why would you need their clothes, right? Elizabeth is taken aside for questioning, but she's still not getting it. I just remember them saying at one point like, well, we want to help your friend, but I have to tell you that Chris is dead and she shot him.

And I was shocked and also I can remember saying something along the lines of, like she doesn't even like to kill insects. like she doesn't even like to kill insects. So I don't know how this could have happened unless she was in danger. At this point, people with badges are filing in and out of the station. They look very serious, very stressed. Over the years, so many people had seen

that Nikki was being badly hurt. and those people start showing up. Her therapist, a social worker, even the special victims unit prosecutor. The county has a service dog, a golden retriever that comforts people who've been through a trauma. So at some point a counselor is assigned to help Nikki and she asks, hey, can we get the dog down here for Nikki? Because she's a victim of sexual abuse. Nikki knows this dog. She's had him by her side before

and she's in obvious distress right now. But the powers that be reply, no. Not for Nikki, not this time. Somewhere else in the building, in a small fluorescent lit room, detectives questioned Nikki. Probably heard these Miranda rights on TV and stuff like that. And you watch like crime shows and things. No?

Okay. This was basic stuff. These are big, beefy dudes. These are dudes who like a good belt, good bit of gear, fine buzz cut, new yak version. And in the footage, there's this large man. He's leaning back, man-spreading. Yeah. I mean, you're not under arrest, I will say that. Like I said, these things are complicated. It's just a formality, basically, It's something that we have to do.

A formality, he says. And then there's Nikki, curled up on a chair in the corner. Can I see a question about the bruise on your cheek? Yeah, it's older. It's older. Do you have any injuries from tonight? I was bleeding a little bit. You were?

I was bleeding a little bit. Bleeding? Like where? Like after he... stuff. What do you mean? Like be up? No, like...

Sexual assault? Yeah, like sex. Oh, okay. And it happened tonight? Yeah. She says she and Chris had sex that night. She's bleeding from it. Was it rape? She's not sure.

So I thought everything's gonna be fine. You know, he took out his gun. What time is it? After 9 p.m. on the night in question, Chris comes home from his late shift. He loads his gun, Nikki says, and hands her a bullet. You're not going to do anything. And you watch this footage and you think, And you watch this footage and you think, um, Nikki, you have a dead body and you need a lawyer. But like every accused person on every crime show, she's talking, she's explaining, she's appeasing.

What Nikki says to the cops is this. After the gun is loaded, she leaves the room, heads to the bathroom, and turns on the shower. Chris follows her and gets in with her. After they move to the living room, and he makes her have sex on the couch. As all of this is unfolding, the gun is nowhere to be seen. At this point, it's clear to Nikki that something bad is coming, but she's not sure how this is going to end. She says,

after they have sex, Chris tells her to lie with him and she obeys. He locks her in his arms. Time goes by. She waits. When she thinks he's asleep, she tries to sit up. And this is when he pulls the gun from the couch cushions and she knees him in between his legs. And he dropped it and I got up in reaction like I didn't even think I just got up and I like slipped a little around the rug but I picked it up and I held it to him and he was still lying on the couch and he said he wouldn't do it." So now, Nikki says, she has the gun held to him

and Chris tells her, tells her. both of us and the kids are gonna have that one. And that's when I just put it to him. And when he mentioned the kids and I didn't, I... He tells her, you're gonna give the gun to me and I'm gonna kill the both of us. And then our kids will have no one. When he mentions the kids, that's when it happens. That's when she lunges and pulls the trigger. More after this break. This episode of Blind Play is brought to you by Huggy's Little Movers.

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Check out a free trial of Lemonade Premium today in the Apple Podcast app by clicking on our podcast logo and then the subscribe button. At the town of Poughkeepsie Police Station, on the morning of September 28th, 2017, Nikki's interview with the detectives continues. They want to know more about the gun. What kind of gun is it? Do you know? A black one?

What was it? Does it have one of those things that's been like a western style one or is it the kind where the bullets come out the side? A black one, she says, with like bullets that go into it? So we do not have an NRA member here, folks. Let's take a moment. Can you tell a story backward? Tell me something that happened six hours ago.

Do it backward. How'd that go? Now, can you do it when you've been awake for 24 hours and your nerves are raw and your kids are who knows where and your underwear is bloody and there's two burly buzzcuts staring at you and your boyfriend is dead on the couch with a gunshot wound to the brain and you're the one who shot him and so it seems to dawn on Nikki these people don't necessarily believe me. I don't know if I'm making sense and I don't want to. I mean, I can't make that determination right now.

I mean, I haven't even been up there to see what's going on. If the detectives don't think it's obviously self-defense, then what do they think? Do they think she plotted out a murder? And if they think that, then who is Chris in all of this? Who is the victim and who is the perpetrator. What Nikki will soon find out is that in this system, you can only be one or the other. Night bleeds into morning. The sun rises and the cops show up in a nearby town called Pleasant Valley.

They knock at the door of an apartment nestled in a tidy condo development. This is where Nikki's big sister, Michelle Horton, lives with her eight-year-old son. There were lots of questions that we had. Can't answer that, ma'am. Is Nikki okay? She's okay. What happened? Can't answer that, ma'am.

And wouldn't tell us anything. Just said, someone needs to come pick up the kids. Nikki's sister, Michelle, is relentlessly poised. Like, is it from mindfulness meditation? Is she about to spontaneously combust? Could it be both? I assumed it would all blow over. So I went to work.

And just kept checking in with my mom. And she's like panicking. In retrospect, the fact that Michelle just drives off to her nine to five is bananas. It goes to show how little Michelle understood at that point. She works all day typing, emailing, yada yada. When she gets home, her apartment is in disarray. Her mom is there flipping out. Nikki's kids are there running around.

Michelle's own son is there. Then time itself, the information coming into Michelle's world, everything starts moving at warp speed. And in the middle of all this chaos, a social worker from Child Protective Services, the Child Welfare Agency, shows up unannounced. And my mom's like white in the face. And then we just have to like do the next thing,

which is talk to CPS. My mom had a slip of paper that had Elizabeth's name on it, said I picked up the kids from the police station, this woman, Elizabeth was there. I was like, oh, I know who Elizabeth is. That's the music teacher, right? Like I've like, oh, I know who Elizabeth is. That's the music teacher, right? Like I've heard her name. Ben is obsessed with her.

So Michelle calls Elizabeth to get some answers. Keep in mind, this was the first conversation they ever had. I felt a lot of weight because I knew what had been going on. And her family didn't, and I knew that they didn't. I mean, that would have been the late afternoon, early evening of, it was still late outside. I can remember going out in my front yard and being on the phone and looking at this tree in my yard

and hearing her voice. And I said, I said, Chris was a bad man. He was hurting her really badly. And I was like, tell me everything. And she did. She told me as much as she knew and I was like, oh my god, like everything makes sense now. Later, Michelle will look back at photos and she will see so many injuries. The burn marks, the scarves in the summer, the bruises behind sunglasses.

Nikki's excuses from back then, now they seem so lame. Why had Michelle accepted them? What had she done? And then, Michelle will find out that there are other people who Nikki had confided in. There had been investigations, files, cops, prosecutors, social services. There had been curious gymnastics moms. There'd been worried preschool teachers. Why hadn't anyone said anything to Michelle?

There were entire text threads of friends talking about this, how to keep her safe, people that I knew. First of all, not one single person came to me and said, I think something's going on with your sister. In Poughkeepsie, long before Chris's death, Nikki had been this object of concern and of gossip. People saw, people talked, and people did not know what the hell to do. People would confront her and they just backed off, you know,

when she said no, everything's fine. And still, with so many people in the know, Nikki was never able to find her way to safety. Now, Michelle is beginning to piece together what happened to her little sister. After all the questioning is done, after Nikki asks for a lawyer, she's arrested. That same day, cops cuff her and they take her to the local jail. She's stripped searched, a stranger peers deeply

into her bodily cavities. They give her an orange jumpsuit, knock-off keds, a weird little deodorant stick, a toothbrush, and they put her in a very loud cell with no pillows. But all of that is nothing compared to the toll of being apart from her kids. Nikki has pretty much never been away from them. When they were separated by the police, Nikki promised those kids she'd be right back.

But now, Michelle has the kids, and Nikki's in jail. So Ben and Faye have lost their dad and their home. And their mom is calling from some mysterious place, telling them that their dad has had an accident and she's working with police to find out what happened. She has to stay away for a little while and she doesn't know how long that will be. Sometimes during these first few months when Nikki is in jail, Ben goes and he stands in a corner of Michelle's apartment and he screams, where is she? Where is she?

After she's arrested, Nikki is driven three miles west to Duchess County Jail, one of the worst jails in New York State. There, she sits in this dank, filthy cell and she replays what she's done. And then she replays it again with her sister. And even then, I didn't understand the full scope. It was kind of like layers and layers were being revealed

over the course of a few days, where it was like, what else am I going to find out? Here, Nikki is, less than 24 hours after the shooting, calling Michelle from jail. Hello, this is a prepaid call from... Hello, Adamondo. An inmate at the Duchess County Jail. I don't know what else I could have done. Either I was going to die or him, and I have to take care of my kids.

And I didn't, you know, it just happened. Like, it just happened. Nikki, you did the right thing. No, it's not the right thing. I want to call him. It's the only thing you could do. You know, like, I miss him and I want to call him, and I know. Nikki's thinking about Chris.

She's missing him. And she's thinking about Chris's parents, Gail and Pete Grover. Nicky had considered them family. I mean, I love them and I don't know how they're ever gonna face me because they're son and I have a son. I didn't want this to happen, you know? And I know, I know. It's broken for Gail and Pete and they must hate me. They must not know what's going on They're not gonna believe it and I understand but if someone can somehow reach out to them and just help them out That I am there to happen because I'm so sorry and I love them and you know, I wouldn't do that, you know And with each revelation it was like reality just flipped again and again and again. I

and reality just flipped again and again and again. I always felt like I wanted the truth, even if there was something in me subconsciously that didn't want the truth. So it was really an opportunity for me to just be completely immersed in whatever horror, like what's the next terrible thing that I'm gonna hear? And I just had to keep moving through that. During her many months in jail, Nikki barely ate.

The food was disgusting and she had no appetite anyway. And she quickly went from very slender to skin and bones. Every chance she got, she called her family. She called Ben and Fay and she sang to got, she called her family. She called Ben and Faye, and she sang to them, and she comforted them. Ben! Why did it take you so long? Ben, I love you so much.

Why did it take you so long to come? It's going to take a little while, but I'll be there. Hi honey. Say hi honey. Say hi honey. Say hi honey. Say hi honey. Say hi honey.

Say hi honey. Say hi honey. Say hi honey. Say hi honey. I miss you baby. I miss you so much. I miss you so much baby. I miss you so much.

Can you look at pictures of us together with grandma? Yes. Okay. I love you, bye. I love you, baby. And she called Michelle, her dad Al, and her mom, Belinda, Belinda Ademondo. As you will soon find out,

Nikki had been through so many traumatic things from the time she was five years old. And although Nikki and her mom, Belinda, had always been close, they also had a very complicated relationship. Because when Nikki was living through her traumas, Belinda looked away. Here's Michelle again. My mom's own traumas and my mom's own societal

indoctrination or programming rewired her own alarm bells. So she didn't have the capacity to be able to really see this for what it was. For all of the reasons we have blind spots, all of the reasons that it would make her feel like a bad mom, that she failed. I really don't think that it was conscious in any way.

I think it was very subconscious until the very end when it all exploded and we were all like, oh my god, what didn't we see? What did we do? Belinda never wanted to confront the violence that her daughter had experienced. It was too hard. If you know, then you have to do something. You have to wrestle with the depth of your child's pain, with the enormity of the damage. There's no guidebook here.

And so Belinda just pretended that everything was fine. Until this call. This call happens on September 30th, two days after Nikki's arrested. On this call, Belinda finally faces it. She finally really sees Nikki. She finally believes her. I know, I know, I know. I will again be able to see you guys twice a week. I don't even, I don't even remember me when they get to see me. Oh my god, no! Are you kidding me?

No! It's all they want in you, honey. They remember you, and they're going to. And they're going to get out. Honey, you will finally free. No, I'm not a bear. You are free from that. You could have been killed, Nikki.

You could have been killed. And I don't know what you're just going on. And it's all the black and blue that's nasty. You always said it was from this or that, but... I'm sorry. You're, but... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted... I wanted the kids to have a normal life, but I wanted them to have their dad.

I know you, I know, I know. I thought it would be fun, and I could make it work, and I couldn't. Because you know what? You have truth on your side, and it could have been you, but it's not you. I'd much rather be here. Yeah, but this was on my way, but now I'm still, he's still waiting, I'm still left free. I know, she's still waiting.

I'm still left free. I'm still left free. More of this story after the break. Hey Believe Her listeners, Lemonade Media now has a great way for you to support our show. You can subscribe to Lemonade Premium where you'll get exclusive bonus content for the show. You can subscribe to Lemonade Premium, where you'll get exclusive bonus content for the show. Like an interview with a gymnast from Mr. Todd's, more detective questioning from the night of the shooting, and one-on-one conversations with other criminalized survivors, some still in prison, some out after decades. Lemonade Premium also includes access to exclusive early premieres and bonus content across all

Lemonade shows, all for just $4.99 a month. You can subscribe right now in the Apple Podcasts app by clicking on our podcast logo and then the subscribe button. Start your free trial of Lemonade Premium on Apple Podcasts today. Think about a moment in your life that changed you, where one day you were yourself and then the next day, poof, you weren't. I'm Stephanie Whittle's Wax, host of the show Last Day, and each week I sit down with a new guest to explore happy, sad stories of transformation. Some last days are hopeful, some are tragic, but on the other side of every last day is a fresh start.

Come laugh cry with us. Listen to last day wherever you get your podcasts. Meet Jeanette McCurdy. She's an author, writer, and a big feeler. So much so that she's making a podcast about all of her feelings. Jeanette's memoir, I'm Glad My Mom Died, welcomed the world into the story of Jeanette and all of the intense life experiences that molded her into the person she is today. But how does she manage all of the messy hard feelings she's feeling right now? In each

episode of Hard Feelings, her new podcast with Lemonade Media, she'll tell you all about it. Jealousy, shame, social anxiety, she wants to laugh about it, cry about it, and work through it with you by her side. Why? These hard feelings are a big part of the human condition. They unite us all, but only once we're willing to face them. You can listen to hard feelings on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. I first heard about this case back in 2018 when I saw a hashtag on Twitter. FreeNicky. It was posted by an organization called Survived and Punished,

which advocates for survivors in women's prisons. It was a new organization, and I was posted by an organization called Survived and Punished, which advocates for survivors in women's prisons. It was a new organization, and I was intrigued. I found my way to a website called We Stand with Nikki, where Elizabeth, the music teacher, was listed as a contact. I called her. Elizabeth sounded super nervous, but she agreed to meet me and to bring Michelle. I had a new baby at home home and I couldn't travel far. Poughkeepsie seemed feasible.

A day trip from my apartment in Brooklyn. I thought, let's go. Find out a little bit more about Nikki, about Chris, write a piece about this young mom who killed her partner. A guy she said had abused her. I never expected to go so deep into this story. But since then, I've spent nearly three years pouring over court documents, sifting through evidence, tracking down almost every single person who had anything to do with this whole situation.

single person who had anything to do with this whole situation. And I can't stop. Like, I cannot stop thinking about it. Because as I looked into this, I started to wonder, wait, is it really possible that in our name, with our tax dollars, people employed by our government would attack and discredit a person who was brutalized for a lifetime and then fought back just that one time. I kept looking for evidence to support the case that New York State built against Nikki, against Nikki, that she was a murderer, a manipulator, a malingerer, a slut, brilliantly conniving,

a criminal mastermind. And that's not at all what I was finding in my reporting. Now, in hindsight, just asking this question, would our legal system really do this? Seems naive, because that's how it works. There are 220,000 people incarcerated in women's and girls' correctional facilities in the US. That's a 700% increase since 1980. That's more than any other country in the world. And though Nikki is white, people of color are disproportionately affected.

Like Nikki, the majority of people in women's prisons were abused before they entered prison. Here's Elizabeth. There's no single moment, right, where it's like, okay, this is the exit or this is way out. What the rest of the world doesn't see is all of the, everything that came before, right? It's like so gradual. And she and other survivors think that the reason it's going wrong is because of them, right?

Because the abuse is so good at convincing them that it's their fault. Any person who's trying to survive abuse is going through their life, like maybe reaching out for help, maybe like Nikki trying to find a therapist, find somebody you can trust, lay the seeds, lay the groundwork for maybe leaving the relationship when you can see an out in it, right? And a lot of the times that pathway leads with the woman dead.

In this case, that's what almost happened. And she got lucky. And they try to go backwards and look at everything from that perspective rather than starting here, which is at the beginning with all the people who walked through this with her and saying, yeah, this is the story of a woman who was being severely abused and tortured and she saved herself. In the spring of 2019, a year and a half after the shooting,

Nikki was tried by the state of New York. The case is called the People vs. Nicole Ademando. FYI, we're the people. The state is prosecuting on our behalf. After her trial, a jury convicted Nikki of murder in the second degree. A judge sentenced her to 19 years to life in prison. She was transferred to Bedford Hills Correctional Facility, New York's only women's maximum security prison. Nikki and I message all the time

on the prison email system. Bedford Hills is just over an hour from my apartment in Brooklyn. I go there every few months. Recently, when the prison opened back up to visitors after a long pandemic shutdown, I went to see her. And for the first time, I got permission from the prison to bring in a recorder. Okay, just, um, well, so it's been a year.

I'm just pulling in Bedford Hills, um, Barbed Wire. We were accompanied by a media liaison. His name's Lou. There is absolutely nothing you can say that I've never heard before. I've been doing this for many years. The only things that I have to report is if you say anything like you've been sexually abused or sexually harassed by staff or by another inmate. But if it's anything having to do with your past or with your case, nothing to worry about. Okay? I just want to give you that reassurance.

Okay, have a seat. Welcome to my fun, relaxed, one-on-one interview. How are you? To see you don't ask that question, that's too big of a question. I'm here. So there's that. I don't know anymore. Nikki and I sat there, in our masks, and I finally got a chance to ask her something

that's been on my mind. What should you have done? I ask myself that question every day. If someone could please tell me what I should have done in that moment, if I could go back in time, I still don't know in that moment what I could have done. And it happened so fast. I mean, do you know what I should have done? Because I've been searching for the answer.

I mean, I guess, um, lived or died was maybe the only two options. I think you chose one. I think maybe some people would prefer you had chosen the other. It's probably the only way I would have been believed. A lot of people say there was a third option. Nikki should have left. If she was being so badly abused, she should have left the relationship. Or at the very least, she should have escaped

when she was holding the gun, when Chris was just lying on the couch. She should have opened the door and walked away. But the people who say that, they haven't retraced Nikki's steps through her childhood and to where we are now. But I have. The more I looked into this case,

the more there was to look at. This story will pull you in deeper into Nikki and Chris's relationship, deeper into the abuse, and then deeper into the criminal legal system. This season, unbelieve her. I was afraid of her dying. Like, this is what I was afraid of on a daily basis.

Can someone kill but not be a murderer? How many times does her arm have to get dislocated before somebody reports him? Could Chris have been a nice guy and a good gymnastics coach, but also have done some really gruesome things behind closed doors? I think she acted in self-defense. I think he was going to kill her that night. Could Nikki have been a beat-down victim

and still have been powerful enough to defend herself in one moment. I don't believe a word of Nikki, Adamondo, ever. I just don't buy it. I just don't buy it. He was a very loving, patient, caring person who had the misfortune of staying with someone who was plotting on his murder. Can we confront all the complexities

held within this story for what they really are and then start to unravel them? The perfect victim is the one who dies. Then you're the victim, then it's clear. To them, this is a case, this is a story. Like these are my actual experiences, this was my life. Who's more powerful? Those who want Nikki in prison

or those who want her to be free? It feels like being like the middle of the ocean where you just look around and everything around you is just flat and endless and you're just kind of like waiting in the water. It's kind of floating along and Waiting Just waiting

Believe Her is a co-production of Lemonada and Spiegel and Grow. I'm your host and lead reporter, Justine Vanderloon. This series is produced by me and our supervising producer, Kristen LaPour. Our associate producer is Julia Yord. Our production assistant is Rory James Leach. Additional reporting by Kristen LaPour and Julia Yort. Story editing by Jackie Danziger. Story consulting by Amy Match. Mixing and sound design by Keegan Zema. Music by Sara Abdelon. Fact-checking by Justin Klosko. Additional audio engineering by Ivan Kuriev. Our executive producers are Stephanie Whittles-Wax,

Jessica Cordova-Cramer, and Spiegel and Grau. Special thanks to Michelle Horton for archival tape. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, use a safe computer and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233. If you have experienced sexual assault and need support visit rain at rain.org that's rainn.org or call 1-800-656-HOPE. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. Follow us at Lemonada Media

across all social platforms or find me at Justine VDL. You can also get bonus content and behind the scenes material by subscribing to Lemonada Premium. You can subscribe right now in the Apple Podcasts app by clicking on our podcast logo and then the subscribe button. If you want to continue the conversation with other listeners, please join our Believe Her podcast community on book clubs. Join for free at bit.ly slash believeherbookclubs. That's bit.ly slash believeherbookclubs, clubs with a Z. Thank you so much for listening. This episode of Blind Play is brought to you by Huggy's Little Movers. Huggy's knows that babies come in all shapes and sizes, and that's why they designed a diaper that actually moves and stretches with your baby, making sure there's no leaks

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