Blind Plea - Listen Now: I Need To Ask You Something

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

We are dropping in your feed to share Lemonada Media's newest series, “I Need To Ask You Something." This unique 10-part series bridges the gap between the things we need to say and the words we’re afraid to hear. Each week, trauma therapist Dr. Monica Band sits down with a young person and their parent, friend or partner to help them create a blueprint for building stronger relationships while healing out loud. Created in partnership with The Jed Foundation. In the series premiere, you'll hear from Jessica. Her parents divorced when she was 18, but the years leading up to it were filled with “contagious unhappiness”. Now she sits down with her father to ask: why did you wait so long, and how do we heal from here? To hear more episodes of I Need To Ask You Something, head to https://link.chtbl.com/INTAYS  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The most important and best conversations in our lives start with a question. Often a question that feels scary to approach but impossible to ignore. From Lemonada Media in partnership with the Jet Foundation, comes I need to ask you something, a new ten-part series that bridges the gap between the things we need to say and the words were afraid to hear. Each week, Trauma Therapist Dr. Monica Bande sits down with a young person and an important person in their life to help facilitate tough conversations on challenging topics like mental health, divorce, racism, and more. You're about to hear the first episode of I Need to Ask You Something, which features a conversation about family dynamics and divorce. After you finish, search for I Need to Ask You Something,

subscribe to the feed, and listen to the second episode. You can also find a link in the episode notes. This episode includes conversations about divorce, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself, and if you need to, take a moment to pause while listening. We'll be here when you're ready. Yeah, I think that's how I would describe my childhood as in it was sure coded. I would just say that it was butterflies and everything but definitely inside.

There was a lot of emotional distress in some way when it comes to having seen my parents' relationship growing up. My parents would do a lot of like arguing and I especially would try to hide it away from me. But it's like we're a three person family so of course I'm like here everything no matter where it comes from. As a parent if you keep an eye while the kid is growing up I knew that she wasn't happy. She must feel like I didn't know this.

Of course I did. I was able to see it every day. It's pretty tough to explain but at the same time it's not. If you're not happy and you live with another person that is not happy with you either, it becomes contagious. Although we try to put this family matter to the side or be like, we're such a great family, let's do family portraits and everything. I don't know. For me, it was not worth it. I wish my parents would have separated at an earlier stage in their marriage,

instead waiting until I turned 18. Meet Jessica. She's a 20-year-old college student living in Oakland, California, who has been carrying around a heavy question all her life. A question that only her dad, Ricardo, can answer. Why did you guys wait till I was 18 and your guys' relationship? I want you to be honest with me. How many times have you reflected on a moment

in your past and thought, huh? My entire life could have been totally different if this thing had happened or if this other thing hadn't happened. We all have these hard questions in our lives. Whether they're about ourselves or our relationships or something we're curious about but can't actually imagine asking. Sure, hindsight is 2020, we can't change the past, yada yada yada, but unresolved questions can leave emotional wounds that if ignored can get infected. And reflecting on our life experiences alone, may leave us with more questions than answers.

And that can be really frickin hard! So that's where I come in. Hi, hello, my name is Monica. And that can be really frickin hard. So that's where I come in. Hi, hello, my name is Monica. I'm an award-winning trauma therapist and owner of an awesome group practice in Washington, DC. I'm super passionate about mental health equity, and when I'm not saying clients,

I'm teaching the next generation of therapists. And I'm excited to bring my skills to the show. Each week, I'll sit down with a young person, as they ask a parent, friend, or partner that one question that's hard to approach but impossible to ignore. I was wondering how your view has changed of me based on everything we've been through. What does home mean after being displaced by the climate crisis? I understand you want me to be a teenager, but what do you want me to do

and I have those adult responsibilities? I wanted to know how you can love me after all I've entered. This is a show where young people find answers and take the first step to strengthen the most important relationships in their lives. Together we'll bridge the gap between the things we're afraid to say and the words we need to hear. This is I need to ask you something. And I am your host, Dr. Monica Band.

Before we get started, I want to be clear. While I'm a professional therapist, this technically isn't therapy. It's a podcast, which has been created by a team of people for you. This show features edited conversations with guests who are screened through an application and vetting process, and they speak with me ahead of time to make sure we respect the boundaries of our conversations. So in this 10-part series, I'll be talking with young people across the US at different stages of their mental health journeys to work through some very real challenges in real time. Today, I'm talking with up that morning, I just felt like this is not where I felt like I was going to be at 18.

Today Jessica is a psychology student at UC Berkeley who describes herself as outgoing and adventurous, but just a few years ago she was a fairly quiet teen growing up in the Bay area as an only child in a Mexican-American family. A family that appeared perfect from the outside, but behind closed doors, it was a very different reality. Still, Jessica's parents wanted their daughter's 18th birthday to be perfect, so they threw her a big party in their backyard with balloons, presents, and rows of tables filled with delicious food. But the sweet gesture quickly soured when her parents started to argue.

Seeing my dad and my mom not get along during my 18th birthday. I don't know, I just brought back so many emotional childhood memories of just my mom telling me, like, oh, like, your dad's telling me this and telling me that. She would come and tell me everything. And as a child, when you see your mom telling you everything, it feels, you know, it's one-sided. And my dad just also, like, well, he was not on the best conditions and he was a drunk. At the party, I consider myself kind of clumsy at times or mostly at times. You may not believe me, but I'm not a drinker. Jessica's dad Ricardo grew up in a very strict,

do-it-or-told household. According to him, there was a lot of pressure to follow the church and hide your emotions, which might be why he describes himself as. Like a silent rebel. A silent rebel, which I interpret as that part of him that wants freedom from the conventional constraints he grew up with. And the result of having that inner tension can make it harder to be present for other people.

In this case, his daughter. But Ricardo says, on the day of the party, he showed up excited to celebrate Jessica. I bought a new shirt for that day. I have my cowboy boots. I have my cowboy hat. People were starting to eat now, right? So I decided to get in line and grab my plate where out of the blue, I hear her. Her mom say, why should that?

He's so clumsy. He's gonna get that shirt dirty. And for some reason, it's taken my fault. I grab a nacho ship with sauce and the thing went right to my shirt. So I had my shirt dirty and I was really mad. So I kind of blame it on Jessica's mom and I just started drinking. I want to quickly note that Ricardo's drinking

was not a regular occurrence in Jessica's childhood. In fact, he typically avoided alcohol after witnessing his dad's struggles with alcoholism. But at Jessica's party, he was embarrassed by his wife's comments, so he turned to alcohol. While Jessica's mom turned to her. So, a party that was supposed to be all about Jessica became about choosing sides between her parents, leaving her in an all too familiar place, caught in the middle of yet another fight. And this conflict plus the pressure of a milestone birthday

built up and created an intense reaction that finally came to a breaking point the morning after her birthday. I woke up that morning and I just had a lot of things in my head and turning 18 was always a big thing for me. Like it was just like, oh, I remember my parents both telling me like once you turn 18 you're an adult.

You just turn like that. And I just felt like I haven't done enough in my life. I felt like I wasn't emotionally just ready to be into adulthood. I wasn't emotionally just ready to be into adulthood, I wasn't emotionally ready. Adulting. The idea that there are, quote, shoulds in the way we navigate the bumpy transition from child to adult. I work with a lot of young folks who describe this pressure to make the most of their time take every opportunity presented and lead a fulfilling life. That's a lot to ask of a teen.

presented and lead a fulfilling life. That's a lot to ask of a team. And like that just sparked my panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I just felt like I couldn't, like, be unable to just, I just felt like there's no other outlet other than, like, suicide. And during that, like, I just felt, like, hopeless. I felt like I just, I couldn't, there's no other outlet. There's nobody else to help me. There's no one.

I just felt like my whole world came into a shatter in some way. And I think just that event just sparked me going and kind of like just outlashing to my dad and telling him how I felt and being able to just tell him like I felt like I wasn't loved by him or wasn't loved or like I just felt like the whole situation with my both my parents and that they still were trying to be this marriage that they weren't happy in.

Seeing them not happy made me not happy. And so I just felt in some way like that. I wasn't emotionally prepared for anything and that's what like my eight-seem birthday felt like. I just felt like I wasn't prepared for the world. Thank you, Jessica. I saw felt like I was in it prepared for the world. Thank you, Jessica. I saw that your dad was reacting. Ricardo, we will get your perspective in a moment.

There are a few things that I want to check in on with you, Jessica, because when we talk about these things, even though they've, they're in the past, it doesn't mean that they don't bring up feelings for you. Can I first check in with how it feels right now for you to replay this moment? I believe like my older self or like my like thinking now, it was just like, oh, like there would kind of been a different way to play it out or been able to have a different way to have that conversation. As a kid, like I, I would just cry. Like I didn't have any other way to have that conversation as a kid. Like I, I would just cry.

Like I didn't have any other way to release my emotions. So I would just cry and it was anger as well. So like I would just release my anger just by being able to yell. But definitely now, like I would definitely have had a conversation more with my parents instead of being able to let my emotions get to me. Yeah. I hear that you felt to your point alone and then to use a word used earlier unprepared. And what your 18th birthday signified. So Ricardo, if you could share with me, your

perspective of what happened that day on your daughter's 18th birthday. On that morning, I was overing to really early in the morning that around 5 a.m. And also, I just heard yelling her mom, bringing all her feelings about it. My Jessica told me that on her 18th birthday, we should have got divorce sooner. I listened to her and all that, but my only smart answer that I had for her was, you know what, when you become a parent, you're going to find out how tough it is. And if you know how to do it better than I did, come and show me. That was the best response that I had for her at that time. What response would you give her now? Now that you have looked back on that and you have sort of time and kind of hindsight

on your side, what might have you said differently? Yeah, I would have probably just said, you know, well, we're not perfect and we may mistakes. Yes, but, you know, that was a way of living in a living. Well, what happened if we would have split up when she was a young kid or younger, she'll be talking about why did you guys separate? I'm wondering if there's a part of your story, Ricardo, where you felt misunderstood.

You know, I'm hearing some defensiveness when it comes to like, hey, when you're a parent, you'll know, right? Or when, what, tell me to how to do it better. You know, I wonder if there was some part of you that didn't feel understood. I was like stunned. Really surprised. You know, here, here we are trying to, you know, give her a birthday party and, and you wake up to this. I was really stunned. I had this kid that I tried, or her mom tried also, to give her a good life and here she is

spending everything, all the negative out. That's the way I felt. Kind of incompetent. You want to say yes it was all true, but I was trying to sugar. I was trying to sure code it. I remember and I said remember the good old times that we did have and the her response was I can't remember anything of that. All that all that here is bad. You know hearing your daughter say that you know my 18th birthday came around and it felt like I was unprepared to handle life, to handle my emotions. And both of you used the word sugar coding too. Jessica, I'm wondering if some of the sugar coding actually at times felt dismissive,

that like, oh, we can think positively, but then there wasn't any conversation about how you were actually feeling. Yeah, I think if I could redo my childhood it would definitely be a little differently and I just definitely would share how I would feel more. I think that's one of the things because I would tell my parents and I would tell my mom I was like well if you're so unhappy like why don't you guys just divorce And the one thing that they would always tell me is just that we're doing this for you. And it was like, well, I'm unhappy. I think the biggest thing that like I, to this day, like, I still take for it, it's just like, you didn't have to put your, your happiness to side to make me happy because at the end of the day, like my dad said, it was just contagious. I don't know. Like for me, it was just like,

it was not worth it. It did hurt both my parents in some way, and it hurt me. That hurt is what brings us here today, so that Jessica can ask her dad, what took you so long to get a divorce? Yes, marriages are complicated, and Ricardo was doing what he probably thought was best

for his kid, but the thing is, children are really intuitive, and they can pick up on even the smallest indication that something's off. So you can imagine how disorienting this was for Jessica, to be told, we're doing this all for you, but in reality, it was only hurting her. But to understand the true weight of Jessica's question, we need to talk about another major event in their family's history. Coming up, we'll work through the uncomfortable moments with Jessica and Ricardo to help them move forward. That's after the break.

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Each week, Trauma Therapist Dr. Monica Band sits down with a young adult and an important person in their life to help facilitate tough conversations on mental health, racism, and more. Listen to I need to ask you something wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back. Before the break, Jessica painted a vivid picture of what she calls, quote, the big breakdown of her 18th birthday. She didn't feel prepared for adulthood and couldn't seek the comfort of her parents, all while experiencing a panic attack and thoughts of suicide.

In both Jessica and Ricardo's retelling of this capital B big moment, you can hear that there were a number of communication breakdowns that were likely the result of what we there, Piss call, triangulation. This is essentially a game of broken telephone, where one person shares a message with another person that wasn't really meant for them. It's misplaced.

In this case, it sounds like Jessica's mom had a lot to say, mostly unpleasant things about Jessica's dad. And she didn't directly resolve it with Ricardo. Instead, she shared it with her daughter. And now Jessica wants an answer. If her dad was aware that the quote contagious unhappiness had spread to her too, why didn't he and Jessica's mom get a divorce sooner? Well, to work through this question, we have to understand another big moment

that's apprised, even me. Let's listen in. Jessica, it sounds like the panic attack and what happened at your 18th birthday was doing part to this kind of longer buildup of feelings over your parents' relationship. And I want to get to that now. When did you first realize something was off about your parents' relationship? I feel like I first realized that my parents' relationship was not the best back since I was around five, probably even four.

It was really young age. My mom found out that my dad was cheating on her. Like, the one picture that I had that still stays to this day was, I think my mom asked my uncle to help her to find, like, if my dad was cheating on her through a computer, and he brought his girlfriend over. And I remember, like, my uncle's girlfriend, like, putting me in a whole different room,

and she telling me to, like, basically just pay attention to her. Like, she had a thing that activity for me to do. Although, like, I was doing the activity, I still like, I was, I was clearly hearing what my mom was saying to my uncle. And just hearing my mom break down and cry and everything and just hearing her cry was just like the first initiative, like, of that. Yeah. was just like the first initiative of that. Yeah. Yeah. I can see how that brings up a lot of feelings for you even

as you recall it. And thank you for giving that example explicitly. Again, I mean, I'm hearing you recognize some really big adult heavy things when you are younger. I want to get your dad's reaction to what you've just shared. Ricardo, go ahead. I knew that that was the turning point. I knew the word that everything started, but I was really close to my friends. I work at the post office and they would tell me So you only have one daughter, right? I go, yes

And I hang out people that had two daughters or three daughters And they tell me you know what you will always be the bad guy No matter what you always be the bad guy. No matter how things turn out Well, if I can interrupt I, I'm hearing you get some support from your colleagues, but my initial question was about responding to your daughter and knowing that she was only five when she heard and experienced this. Can you respond to your daughter? I know I was wrong.

I did things wrong. What I'm trying to get to is I feel like her mom and the people and her uncle, they could just be more professional, but be more realistic that there was a kid, keep it quiet, keep the real laundry in the house. Yes, I did mistakes. I'm not going to justify myself to you, Mika. But I'm conscious of that. I caused that pain. But I feel also that from my heart that they could have not hide it, but at least not talk

to you about it when you were around. Because you were not at that age, five years old, you're not capable of understanding these kind of situations and your mom saw you as a friend. Your mom told you everything, everything bad about me. Ever since really young age and her mom will always try to be her friend, not a mother. He better just to clear up between the two adults involved, not to put your kid in the middle of this. I do not disagree with that. I think that's appropriate to your point and to have a child exposed to something painful

like that's tough. But what I'm trying to also focus on is that you're recognizing and acknowledging that that situation did occur. There was infidelity involved. My daughter found out about that when she was much too young. It could have been handled differently, but what I really want us to focus on is maybe what Jessica needed from you at that point.

So I know we can't rewrite the past. I know that that's not something that can change now. That's not what I'm asking. But what I'm trying to do is see how maybe we can make peace right now with admitting that these things have happened between you two. Because what was missing at least in Jessica, please feel free to interrupt me or, or I don't want to put words in your mouth, I think what was missing was you in all of that. Is that fair to say Jessica?

Yeah, in some way, I think, I never got the reassurance of my dad as a, as a man that did commit adultery to his wife. As Amanda did commit adultery to his wife, and then I think also that me seeing that brought a lot of not trust issues, I think just like, okay, in my relationship that that could happen. Yes, and I want to interrupt you there because you said something so profound. If you could finish the sentence for me, Jessica, dad, I needed blank from you. What is that? Dad, I needed reassurance. Of what? Reassurance of a dad actually living his daughter. I can see that's very hard for you to share.

And there's some tears coming out. Ricardo, I know that can be tough to hear. I know that can be tough to hear because no one wants to initially feel like they haven't done their best. But this is a moment where your daughter is saying, I just, you know, dad, I just really needed to feel some reassurance that you loved me. You know, there was a lot going on in my childhood. There was a lot going on in the house. I just, I missed you and I needed you maybe more. And I, I'm glad we're doing this now, but that, that child in me needed you. What do you want to say to that child that needed you? No, I would always love her. I would never, never stop loving her. Of course, especially my only child.

Could you say that to her, Jessica? Yes. I will never stop loving you, you're my priority. Thank you for letting me be witnessed to that because I think the phrase that I'm catching in both of this conversation is that there's a history of sugar-coating things. There's a history of trying to do the right thing. I have no doubt it was with good intention, right? But I think what ended up happening is that inadvertently it twisted things. And Jessica, as a kid, felt like, wait a second,

things feel off, things don't actually feel the way people are telling me they are. And it can be really confusing for a kid. Did anyone want to comment on that? Jessica, or Ricardo? Yes, I feel like it can be frustrating, confusing. At the current time, that's when she was a kid. Yes, I feel like it can be frustrating and confusing. At the current time, that's when she was a kid,

I felt like we were both in competition. The mom and I were in competition to see who did the most for her. Tell me more about that Ricardo. What did that look like? Can you give me an example? I can give you my point of view on how I felt. Sure. Yeah. I felt. Sure.

Yeah. I felt like no matter what I did, when I tried to do good things, it wasn't enough. I felt like I was in competition with her mom. She was talking about trips, but they come and ask me if I wanted to come along because she was mad at me for different reasons. And I fell left out.

So Jessica, there's a lot to respond to and what your dad has shared. But what I'm hearing that sticks out to me is that it felt competitive. And then it also felt like he was left out. Was that your experience? Or are you surprised to hear that? Um, I did see it as not a competition definitely been being left out. As in, I understand my mom's side of her being extremely, you know, betrayed and felt, you know, because it wasn't just one time, it was like multiple times. And so her, yeah,

her feeling that way, like I understand. So like, when me, like being the only child of course, she would take me anywhere. Competition could be just definitely just who had more time with me in some way. I would see it that way. And my dad would get out of work to like seven or eight p.m. sometimes. So it was just like, oh, like I was just saying, we would eat all dinner together and then I would go to sleep or he would just help me out with my homework. And with my mom, it was like, oh, like she would get out of work. She would cook with me or we would cook together, watch a show and then go to sleep. And I would sleep with her.

So definitely like it was another thing that like since a child, like I would just sleep with her. So definitely like it was another thing that like sends a child like I would just sleep with her. Okay, and that's where I'm, I mean, you said it earlier in our conversation, this kind of idea that it was, it felt one-sided at first. So Ricardo, it's hard to talk about someone that isn't here obviously and I don't wanna do that. This isn't about, you know, talking about your mom, Jessica.

So I'm only gonna ask you basic information about it. I just wanna understand Ricardo, how long did you date Jessica's mom before you all got married? We did it like, I'll say 11 months to 10 months. Okay. And then shortly after, how long after was Jessica born? No, like eight to nine years after we got married. So you are all together for a while now. We were together for the first eight years and we did have our share of problems, our disagreements, and a couple of times before she was born, we talked about

separation. The mom will say, no, she'll worry about what the people think and the people, financial peace and, let's try to hold it up. I know we don't get along pretty well, but let's see if something can happen that will bring us together again. We didn't think alike, we didn't have, but let's try and hang in there. That was the way I was thinking back then. Okay, so it was like there's a lot of practical reasons for us to try to make it work. I'm also curious then, just given the timeline that you provided, Jessica, I'm gonna pivot back to you too. Thanks Ricardo for giving us some background information on your relationship there.

You know, I'm thinking about the timeline, and around the time you were born, your parents were having some issues. I'm wondering what, at the time you felt maybe your role was in some of the conflict that they were having. Yeah, I think, I mean, first, like, you know, if I, like, if I were to talk about somebody else, they're like, well, eight years, like, you know, that's, that's a long time for them to like, you know, feel like their relationship is good enough for, I don't know, to be able to go along with the kid. And I think a lot of precision, like, you know, feel like their relationship is good enough for, I don't know, to be able to go on with the kid. And I think a lot of perception and society

is that a kid will solve your problems in some way and bring your relationship closer, but in reality it doesn't. And I think that's what kind of happened was here that like I kind of came into the picture and it was more like, not a, I'm not gonna say, I probably was not with the problem, but probably a source of the problem.

I think one of the things that my mom and I could say this from her side, that was that she would prioritize me a lot more, and so they wouldn't have date nights, they didn't have the times that they would go on trips before me, I feel like they started to fall apart from me because of me in some way. like they started to fall apart from me, like because of me in some way. Mm.

It's okay. Yeah. I think I always saw myself like the main source of their, the reason that the relationship wasn't working. That's a huge burden to carry, to feel that way, to feel that that's real. And that's why I felt like sometimes I had, or like I felt like I needed to fix it for them to, for them to be together, growing up. That was heartbreaking to hear Jessica put the blame on herself here.

Even after just hearing Ricardo explain the many reasons for the divorce, none of which included her. Jessica still feels like she contributed to her parents' marriage ending. This was kind of an aha moment in my conversation with Jessica and her dad. It feels counterintuitive to lean into the discomfort, but in doing just that, Jessica identified and vocalized the source of the pain that she still carries today. And now that we've named it,

Ricardo has the opportunity to acknowledge Jessica's feelings and that his actions had real implications on his daughter's mental health. We'll get to that after the break. Hey, it's me, Sam B. And it's no secret, I'm pro-choice. Yes, that one, but also others. Because I'm not just pro-choice, I'm pro-choice

says, those crazy, life-altering decisions that shift our life path and bring us to where we are today. My next choice, starting this new podcast with Lemonada Media, called Choice Words, where I interview people I admire about the biggest decisions they've made in their lives. Choice Words is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Think about a moment in your life that changed you, where one day you were yourself, and then the next day, poof, you weren't. I'm Stephanie Whittles-Wax, host of the show last day.

And each week I sit down with a new guest to explore happy sad stories of transformation. Some last days are hopeful, some are tragic, but on the other side of every last day is a fresh start. Come laugh cry with us, listen to last day wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to I Need to Ask You Something, and the final part of my session with Jessica and Ricardo. Before the break, Jessica admitted that as a child, she took on the burden of trying to fix her parents' relationship because she felt like the source of their conflict.

Of course, it's not rational for a child to take on this blame, but sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves than come to terms with the reality that we're feeling angry and hurt by the people we love. In an odd way, this is how we feel control in a powerless situation. If it's my fault, then I can fix it. Now back to my combo with Jessica and Ricardo. So Jessica, I want to get your dad's reaction to what you've just shared. And before I do, let me repeat what I think I heard Jessica say, which is there was a part of me that felt, given the time, that I was to blame,

essentially, for the separation there. I see your head shaking Ricardo, so would you be able to there. I see your head shaking Ricardo, so would you be able to share with us your reaction in response to Jessica? I saw you as a blessing when you were born and I still do. It was two different people that I couldn't get along, but it wasn't you at all. Trust me. But it was in you at all. Trust me. Jessica, how does that feel? Do feeling in some way. Yeah, I hear that. And it goes back to that reassurance. I needed reassurance, dad, as a kid then and hearing it now, though, is also very

healing. It doesn't rewrite the past, certainly not, but to your point. It's moving forward, and it's creating a new, stronger relationship with your dad here today. Jessica, I'm checking in with your motivation behind asking those questions now in your life. Why is understanding You know, why is understanding this important for you now? I think it's important for me now because I witnessed and saw and was kind of part of it. I was a product of it. And I think these questions I just wanted to be,

I don't want history to repeat itself. And I don't want the partner that I choose be someone that, it's all magical in the beginning, but three to five years into marriage, it's like, oh, it's the same thing that my parents went through, or it's the same thing that I witnessed. And I don't want my child or my children

to feel like they were a problem of anything. And I think, that was mostly for me. It's just me would feel some way of reassurance or some way of like, okay, like what could have happened. Yeah, I think mostly it's for me is just being able to heal that first. And, you know, I'm hearing you say things like I, I felt confused, I felt panicked, I felt anxious,

I felt all sorts of things when I was younger, and I don't wish that upon my own child, I don't wish repeating that, I don't want it to be contagious, right? I don't want it to be contagious to use your dad's word. And so I'm hearing you saying, I'm trying to have these conversations now, so I can better understand these dynamics and my dad's perspective while he's here, while we're here and move forward in my life and relationships. So I'm hearing some worry about if I don't get ahead of this, if I don't heal from this, it could impact my relationships now.

Are there any other worries you might have? Yeah, I think, oh, you know, the thing that didn't bring up was just also being able to have a relationship with my dad. Again, you never know. You never know what could happen tomorrow. And I don't ever wanna have my dad pass away. And I feel like I didn't fix anything with him. And I feel like I never got to know him, even though like when I

grown up and I've seen him and everything, I just feel like I never I don't ever want to feel like I never tried to have a relationship with him or you know hope never this happens that but that's my dad's funeral and that people come and tell me they all good stories about him and I'm just like, why never knew what that about him? I never experienced that with him or than my childhood. I know that's just the reason that like I just wanted to be able to have this conversation and I mean there's going to be a lot of opportunities all for lead to be able to have different conversations but I think that was like

those two questions that I always wanted to ask. I realized as I heard you sharing this, that that 18 year old version of you felt unprepared for the future. And I'm hearing this version of you, this older version of you say, I don't wanna be unprepared. I wanna feel fully in control.

I wanna make sure that I understand what's going on. That I'm brave enough to have these conversations, that I can do it in a way that's healthy for not just me, but for my relationship with my dad. I can see that. Is that fair to say? Yes. You know, I want to check in as we begin to wind down our time. We have a little bit more, but I want to be mindful of it. I want to check in to see if you got your questions answered. I think it did get answered. I mean, unfortunately, it's like we can't repeat history

and go back to history. And I think there's a lot of what if questions. The whole thing that I did here for my parents was like, well, what if we did at an earlier age and Jessica goes a whole different route with her life? That, and that, it's because, you know, we've seen from different families, and especially that, you know, my cousin,

who had divorced parents, ended up taking drugs and everything, and now he's not in the best condition in his life. And I think that was one of the drivers that was like, oh, like, we just want her to be secure in some way. But unfortunately, emotionally, I wasn't. But I think it is a learning experience as well. So I think my question is answered.

Yeah. So flash forward to today, because we've been talking a lot about the past. And I'm curious to know, forward to today, because we've been talking a lot about the past. And I'm curious to know, like, as of today, how has your parents' separation and then divorce impacted your relationship with both of them now? Um, I think today, my relationship with my parents has definitely been evolving in some way. I think with my mom, it's been a little hard because I recognize what she kind of did with me with it was like with my parents'

relationship and with my dad it's definitely evolving as well. It's definitely a work a work in progress. I think I come now to my dad when it comes to things I feel like I'm not. Well I don't know I'm correct. But I feel like, I feel like, it's an emotional conversation. Yeah. I think I get a lot of pressure and some way from just a side of itself. Like I think I just get a lot of pressure from my mom

and from other people. And even though I am happy where I am today, I think that there's different routes I want to take in life that I might not feel secure about it, but my dad makes use. My dad doesn't make me secure about it. Because although we have a lot of differences, my dad always supports me. Oh, yeah. So it makes me feel secure. Do where it makes you happy.

That's the best thing I can tell you and learn how to say no when you cannot do something for someone. Don't put yourself in pressure where you know you can't do things and you still want to do them. Keep it to keep them happy. Learn how to say no. Yes, the best of us I can give you. Do things that will make you happy and just be happy for yourself. Yeah. I'm just sitting in that. I think it's worth a moment to recognize the very real care and love that you have between each other slice through the fear and the pressure that you're sharing Jessica. So thank you and thank you Ricardo for offering that. I also agree with her. We never kind of felt, I never kind of felt like we fixed the problem. And I think doing this even more often can help us cure. I love the future plan.

So that leads me to another question for you both. What are some hopes of the future of your relationship? We'll start there. Just to get better by the moment. And also, if I see that she's really happy I guess and that will make me happy too. I just text her every day every morning but I kind of not with her being busy I stopped a little bit but now I always do a how are you? Maybe we still need that. Yeah, yeah, I still do it, but you know,

I'm gonna try to be more constant with it. Yeah, Jessica, go ahead. Hope to the future of your relationship. Be able to have a more stable and also more, I think just more open conversations and being able to have more memories together. Thank you. No thank you. Okay so we discussed a lot in this first episode and maybe you even heard a bit of your own story reflected in Jessica and Ricardo's experiences. Let me first say that raising kids is hard. There's no arguing that. And I want to give props to Ricardo for showing up for his daughter,

especially since the fear of being blamed or ambushed is often what keeps people from having these hard conversations. In the past, Ricardo's habit of sugarcoding was one of the ways he tried to comfort Jessica, but this only left her confused. What Jessica really needed was reassurance from her dad that he loved her, because she

wasn't always sure of this growing up. And this is something that Ricardo now knows, and can put into practice as they both continue to show up for each other. I often tell my younger clients that when we're exploring the past or relationships with family, it's not about pointing fingers, it's about finding explanations and identifying what you can control now as an adult. And that can be really empowering. And a reminder, this is just the first step in Jessica and Ricardo's healing journey. It takes time and consistency to work through some of the more complicated relationships in our lives. But based on their hopes for the future, I am optimistic that this father-daughter pair

are determined to put in the work that already seems to be paying off. We hope that you listening in were inspired by their story and can look to have important conversations with the people in your lives. Well, our time is up. See you next time. Well, our time is up. See you next time. Coming up, I need to ask you something. I wanted to know how you can love me after all I've entered. We try and show him the light side, the love side, because Seth trying to separate himself from his past is a daily struggle. There's more I need to ask you something with Lemonada Premium.

Subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content. There's so many things we talk about and we're barely scratching the surface. Tune in to learn more about what it means to be a perfectionist, to be conflict of wooded, and how to ask for help. I need to ask you something is a lemon-added media original. I'm Dr. Monica Bann, the host of this show and a consultant with the Jed Foundation. Crystal Genesis is our supervising producer. Julia Yort is our producer and Rachel Leitner is our producer and audio engineer. Test Novotny is our associate producer. Julia Yort is our producer and Rachel Leitner is our producer and audio engineer. Test Novotny is our associate producer. Mixing an original music

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