Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Chris Distefano
Episode Date: March 2, 2023Neal Brennan interviews Chris Distefano ('Speshy Weshy' on Netflix, Chrissy Chaos) about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite ...these blocks. Chris's Blocks: 00:00 Intro 3:08 Issues 10:11 Insecurities in Men 26:15 Catholicism 37:57 Social Media/Women 54:05 Being Away from New York 1:01:03 Being Alone Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle YouTube Subscribe: https://bit.ly/2Lf6yvE Audio Subscribe: https://link.chtbl.com/blocks?sid=yt SPONSORS: Magic Spoon: https://magicspoon.com/neal for $5 off Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hi guys, it's me, Neil Brennan, at the airport because I started my tour.
The big announcement is I'm coming to London June 23rd.
Go to my website neilbrennan.com.
I'm going to Madison, Wisconsin, then I'm going to Salt Lake City.
They're both sold out, don't look for tickets.
Then I'm going to Nashville, still tickets available there.
I had a show in Baltimore, I had a show in Chicago, I had a show in Portland.
Got a good airport, I'm coming.
You know what I said.
So thanks.
Bye.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Neil Brennan.
I have a Netflix special called Blocks where I talk about things that make me feel like
something's the matter with me, that I'm crazy, that I'm alone in the world.
And then my friend Jimmy Carr had the idea of wanting to have your friends on and they
can talk about their blocks.
My guest today didn't understand what
the title blocks meant till we were talking about it for a half an hour i yes i didn't have any idea
i i literally saw your special pop up on netflix and my one-year-old daughter went blocks blocks
and i said i guess we'll put this on and uh i don't like you
said i don't like comedy but we'll put this on yeah tell your daughter thank you she's a fan um
and uh his name is chris de stefano that's who i am um he's a good boy he's from staten island
well brooklyn but i live in staten island now. Oh, you live in Staten Island. If you notice, nobody would have these glasses on seriously if they didn't live on Staten Island.
This is not a 60 Minutes interview from 1988.
No.
If you're wondering, if you're just tuning in.
I live in the mafia borough of Staten Island, New York, and these glasses are actually an
easy pass.
They get scanned in.
The bridge just scans these in and says,
we know this guy's from Staten Island.
We're going to take his money.
And I'm wearing a DSNY garbage man sweatshirt
because I support the troops.
Right.
How did you get that?
Any kind of fundraising thing?
No, actually a friend of mine,
a good friend of mine who also owns an Italian restaurant,
a great Italian restaurant called Bellato's
right here in New York City.
Fantastic.
Best red sauce joint. Stop by. No, in New York City. Fantastic. Best red sauce joint.
Stop by.
No, seriously, you should really go.
Best red sauce joint, I think, in New York City.
He also is a garbage man, and he got me a DSNY sweatshirt, so I support that.
He owns a restaurant and is a garbage man.
Everybody's working.
That guy's putting up numbers.
Cash, baby.
Everything is cash fantastic love it
i like uh they started calling it red sauce because they thought tomato sauce was uh too
pretentious well he actually calls tomato sauce i call it red sauce because i am a republican
fantastic yeah uh maybe the first one we've had um really now no uh maybe i don't know i think a
lot of them are hard to cover schultz yeah you're
right yeah um i'm kidding i'm in i'm in neutral please now what's great about you is you got
problems yes you texted me your blocks before you even knew i had a podcast yeah um yeah you you got
problems uh you always have yep from the from jump yeah came out the shoot
with problems came out the shoot with issues um i think that only starting to realize them
uh as i've gotten older when i started to have kids because i think when you have at least me
when i had my first child i was like oh man i going to have to start to answer questions for these little people that I'm now in charge of. So I got to start thinking introspectively. I got to try to clear up as many issues of mine as I can because I can't be wrapped up in my own issues but also try to help somebody else with their issues. So when I started to look into it, we found some, baby.
When I started to look into it, we found some, baby.
Here's what I like about you.
We worked together in, I don't know, 2011, 2012.
Yeah.
And you were like a good, structured comedian,
especially on social media.
I feel like I've watched you become totally unfurled as a person right but and then i'm hoping and then you do it more on stage where it's more kinetic yeah and a little insane yeah you have a special called special
yep it's all material that you wrote during like a Catholic boy to an insane person.
Right away.
Tell me how you did that.
Like, or what was your, what was your like, how that happened?
So I think what the truth was, was I was like, I started comedy, right?
Because I was, you know, it was always an outlet.
Stand-up comedy and humor was always an outlet for me.
Sense of humor was always an outlet for me
because my parents were divorced
and my dad would call me every night
and I would cry when he would call me
because I would miss him so much.
But I didn't want to let him know
because he's like a tough guy,
like old school Bronx, you know, guy.
Like these are his glasses.
And he stopped wearing them
because it's like, there's too soft. Yeah, yeah and i remember i would always my attempt to cover up
my tears was always trying to make him laugh so and that was always inside of me and then when i
started doing comedy i was like oh the way that i make people laugh is by making like these mafia
guys these like old school italian guys laugh so that's the persona I took on stage. Like, you know, all these, even when I did David Letterman,
all these jokes are about like my dad and his friends. And I'm even putting on a more New York
accent because I thought this is how, this is what, but then I remember looking back at some of it
in about 2015, 2016, I was like, oh, I don't like that. That guy is not, that's not really me.
That's actually not me. That's maybe the guy I had to be to get the nerve to get on stage for
the first time. And then I just was rolling with it. People were laughing at it, but I was like,
yeah, but that's not really me. Some of it's pretty hacky. I don't like it at all. And I was
like, wait a second, who the hell am I? And I was like, I am just a person who is riddled with anxiety, doesn't know who I am
at all, really doesn't have an identity.
So I was like, I'm going to go on stage and try to just figure out who this person is.
And I made myself, I remember for six months when my Jasmine, my girlfriend was pregnant
with our first daughter, I was like, you know, for six months, I was like, don't do any stuff. Don't even mention you're Italian.
I've come to find out that I'm actually not even Italian. My last name is DiStefano, but my
ancestry, uh, 23 and me, whatever, it's like 95% German. So it's like, that's not even culturally
a part of me. And I was like, don't do any Italian accents. Don't talk about your dad.
Talk about like who you are. Like my whole act used to be just impersonations of different family members.
And I was like, don't do that anymore.
Who are you?
Try to get your voice.
And, you know, it took a while.
And I don't even know if I'm there yet.
But now I still do like make fun of my family, talk about my family and stuff.
But I talk way less.
I used to be like a variety show.
Like I used to do 45
minutes of just different characters. Never, never once being me. Yeah. Your act is barely that
anymore. I do still act as like a guy having a nervous breakdown. Right. Right. Which is weird
because on stage, on stage is when I feel the least anxious, right? I feel almost zero anxiety
on stage other than the, the fun the fun nerves of performing. But sometimes people
be like, man, like you're so anxious up there, but it's like fun. But I'm like, wow, I don't
feel anxious there. I feel anxious when I'm not on stage. So sometimes I'm like, what the hell's
going on? But it's weird because I do feel like something happened. I think maybe in like 2017,
my daughter was about two she was like why are you
always so nervous i think that she was just hearing like what my mom or her mom was saying
about me but it kind of had this thing where it hit me like an impactful way i'll never forget i
was on third avenue in bay ridge by no-no's pizza and um you all know what he's talking about right
no-no's pizza shout out no-no's Very good. Get the zucchini slice if you ever go.
It's very good.
It's bacon on it.
So if you're a vegan, just know that.
But I said, you know what?
You know what this is, Chris?
I remember having like an internal dialogue.
I don't know if it's wrong or right, but it worked for me.
I said, you know, your anxiety and all your problems, you're being a narcissist.
Everything's got to be about you.
Everything's about your blood pressure and your pain in your chest. And you're, do you think you have a brain
tumor? It's like, stop. You have a little kid. Like if something's going to happen to you,
take care of yourself, do the best you can. And your job now on this earth is you're,
you have to focus on this little one. She's going to have problems. You only have a finite
amount of energy each day. You're going to use it all up on thinking only have a finite amount of energy each day you're gonna use it all
up on thinking you have a brain tumor it's like you have you have a headache because you're not
drinking enough water or because you drink seven coffees a day like just stop and focus and then
and then when i started now you focus on her blood pressure that's it yeah oh yeah yeah she's good
though she's she's 120 you do you do yeah i'm like that yeah she she's consistently good but but i'm like you know
i attach like narcissism to anxiety and like and so i still have it but i think that i deal with it
in a little bit of a better way and i try to just say hey things are going to be okay like don't
make everything about you not everything is about you and when you have kids i mean now i have you
know my two daughters a a stepson, you
know, my girlfriend, a house.
I'm in like fourth or fifth place in my own life now.
So now it's like all those, you know, you get selfless quick when you have a family
because you're like, oh yeah, you realize the world, nobody cares.
It's like, you need to get your stuff done for your kids.
And then the world's going to go on without you.
Nobody gives a shit, Chris.
Stop.
So that's that's
helped me i had a slam on bobby lee which was his favorite part about self-loathing self self
it's like that's the fun that's the best part of it's like aren't i terrible spotlight on me yeah
exactly all right let's get into some uh real hard-hitting blocks but great start thank you great start i appreciate it revealing
and and we're being vulnerable and that's it you can do it now your first block
insecurities and men insecurities and men is something that i genuinely at times i will
create scenarios okay in my head, when I'm doing anything,
driving, on stage, writing.
By the way, I have two daughters.
One is seven.
One is one.
I'll get angry at their future boyfriends for being insecure around my daughters and
either getting mad at them and getting physical with them because they think that one of my daughters was cheating on them.
Or I get mad at them for not being the type of man I need them to be around my daughter because they're insecure little bitches.
And they're worried about what their friends think of them instead of what my daughter thinks of them.
And then I realize that I'm clinically insane, that I have little girls,
but insecurity in men is the, by far,
in my opinion, the scariest thing.
And the thing that has caused the most death
and destruction in the world
is even more than mosquitoes,
is insecurity in men.
Any war, any murder, suicide,
there's maybe a million other things involved but the core insecurity let me get this straight you think hitler was insecure um yeah okay now i
this is fascinating oh yes look i do a lot of these podcasts this is genuinely fascinating um edit all the times you said that to every guest
um so you're thinking about your insecurity toward them how that is a disease that is
causes things or you're thinking about them being insecure around your daughter if i were a therapist
and 10 more of these than i am that's about you yeah because i think the
biggest fear and the biggest turnoff and pet peeve i have is insecurity like even even in girls like
if i you know if a girl let me check your phone or none of that stuff is is hot to me anymore all
that stuff is literally repulsive and a total fucking waste of time total waste of time i've said to women
before like you got to deal with this in-house yeah you can't bring it all to me right you have
to fucking figure out a way to like just get rid of it before you yeah i'm like i don't want a woman
who's insecure gonna look through my phone and potentially get physical with me if she doesn't
like the answers and then i've dated a puerto rican and now I'm just with a port. I now have a full Puerto
Rican family. I just, and I, you know what? I love it. That's the thing with me is I'll say,
I don't like this. I don't like that. But then I go exactly towards directly towards what I didn't
want, but it's almost like I feel comfort in the chaos comfort in like, you know, like my natural
state, there has to be something
going on. There has to be something like, uh, that's going to, you know, really like give me
some anxiety or else I almost don't feel like calm. Is it true that your one-year-old was
playing with your phone and you said, why are you going through my phone? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I said,
you need to sit down and turn on blocks but no i think what you're saying
is the i think what what i'm saying is is that insecurity in men kind of yeah it blocks me
at times because i just i'm i'm very very very scared of it and i just but this is about your insecurity i'm gonna venture a guess that it's
about your you think about like the type of man you are and you're protecting your daughters right
right and then you're gonna pawn her off to some schlub in 20 years i mean the six-year-old
10 10 years 10 years potential and you're like, you're not going to do a good job.
I feel like that has to do with you not doing a good job
or worrying about doing a good job or your insecurities within.
And maybe you're thinking about your girlfriend Jasmine's dad
and am I a good surrogate and all that shit.
I think what happens is I have like not,
I don't want to say misplaced insecurity
because whatever insecurity you have is what it is. I think like a lot of guys, for example, would be very insecure
about their girls. Like, what do they always think? Like if you, if your girlfriend doesn't
pick it from you, like you cheated on me or you cheat on me. I've never, even since I've been a
teenager, never thought like that. Cause I'm secure with who I am in a relationship. Even
though I'm just like, if you want to leave, like I've always been like, if you want to leave or want to go cheat on me, I understand that like life is short,
go do what you want to do. My, I would be like, if a girlfriend didn't call me and this, and this
is something that plagued me my whole life, not as much anymore. I would automatically immediately
think you're dead. I would immediately think you're dead. Something happened to you. Something
like you, something tragic has happened to you something like you something tragic has happened
to you that's why you haven't texted me you trust your girlfriend so much you assume she's dead yes
well it's not even that i trust her so much i don't care if you cheat on me i don't it would
for me i would be like fine fine whatever i'm not gonna do go to the ends of the earth for my why is
that that comes from i think like one i went through a really bad breakup uh at one point in my life with jasmine the woman you're with now yes with the
woman on back and yes that's what it is came crawling back and i was like i'm never going
to allow myself to go through that again and i kind of feel like you know it was a different
woman that you went through a different woman yeah yeah yeah yeah and and i kind of feel like
you know what i'm now like
you know i would like proceed with caution and i i just didn't i think what happened was in that
relationship is i got so tense and like so everything i almost became that insecure man
that i hate that i would hate for my daughters what's the short what's the synopsis of the
breakdown of that relationship uh the breakdown that that relationship was, I would say, more infatuation.
And just literally, this girl is so opposite
of any girl I've ever dated.
And I went from zero to 100 with her immediately,
against the advice of my family.
My family was like, you need, even my dad,
who never interferes.
My dad's like, have fun.
What were you doing?
Just like, in a month, moved in together. Oh, yeah. A two-month marriage. Literally like, have fun. What were you doing? Just like, you know, in a month moved in together,
a two months marriage, three, you know, like literally like literally marriage. Like I was,
I wanted to have kids, everything. And, and, and my, even my dad, again, who never gets involved
was like, you got to slow it down. He's like, this is, you know, that train is going to go
off the tracks. It's going to be bad. This is going to be really, really bad for you. And I
got mad at him and the whole thing, which I really get mad at my dad and and and so and then
they were all right went off the tracks got obliterated like heart obliterated she just like
cheated on you or left no no no just don't break up she just was rightfully so she was like we are
not gonna i was smothering her you know what i mean with my insecurity so she was like we're not
going to be together anymore and obviously broke my heart tried to do anythinging her, you know what I mean, with my insecurity. So she was like, we're not going to be together anymore.
And obviously broke my heart, tried to do anything, get it back, you know, horrific,
put on like 50 pounds, like literally look like I look like Ben Stiller at the end of
fucking dodgeball, like just a fat dickhead.
And what were your insecurities?
Your insecurities were, are you cheating on me or was it not that one?
No.
So I think you claim you never had that one.
It wasn't cheating in the relationship.
I never worried about that.
When we broke up, the insecurity was you're going to go be with someone else now.
Got it.
So it wasn't necessarily cheating, which is, I guess, kind of the same thing because I'm still in the.
But all that kind of made me like viscerally, like viscerally.
Once I got through, the smoke cleared a little bit, viscerally hate myself.
Like truly be like, I hate that version of of chris i i hate him with such a passion that i i would love to fight him like i want to i want to drown him because it was so you know insecure such like
a little bitch like just a little annoying how old were you little bitch like 30 or 29 28 something like
that uh maybe a little younger 25 uh 38 okay so so hated that guy with a passion at now and so i
think i kind of tried to make some of these changes and and that thing stuck i think you're
right i think now that we're discovering this live on the podcast i think that that insecurity in men that i hate for my daughters is really that's me i hate that old
version that you did it and like it was in you and it lives in you and i worry about like those
idaho murders although they killed those college kids a couple of months ago that's just an that's
an insecure guy that's now that's all that and so that worries me as a father of two daughters
because i'm like that insecure me of 10 years ago 15 years ago whatever it was do i think i could have killed someone
no but it's like you get could have been very sarcastic yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah i could
have sarcasm i could have roasted the shit out of somebody yeah yeah i i i do feel though that
that guy is a scary person because they're so hell bent on being and it feels
justified right because it's so real yeah and so like you pictured as clearly as you pictured that
girl with a new guy yeah that's probably the same high def 4k that you picture the beatings you're going to deliver in 20 years on these
bums. Right. Exactly. But it's all the same thing. Yeah. It came from that same place,
that paranoia that I would have and all that. And then it would bleed in that anxiety would
start in a, in a relationship and then it would bleed into something else. And then it just made
my anxiety. I remember like, I remember being during that time of my life, like the most unhealthy,
the most anxious, the like most riddled with fear. And that's when I just started comedy.
So I think I took that, like this persona that again, wasn't the me that I want to put out there.
I put that guy out there. I don't like that guy he went on letterman that guy that guy got
on let me tell you something that guy got on letterman and then the new guy that i like
hasn't done a late night stand-up set since so the new guy might be less successful than the old guy
no that's fucking fascinating yeah it's fascinating how i get the idea of like you have to protect these girls right and it's like don't
be a version of me right that i was even though that you didn't protect that girl wasn't no girls
were in danger right but your girls were in danger right if that guy shows up that kid from letterman
shows up down there the whole the whole house falls apart jasmine she had a good point she's
like you know i've talked to her about this before and she was like chris let's be honest if anybody ever hurts
our daughters you're not going to do anything i'm going to beat the shit out of the guy i'm the one
who's crazy i'm the one who's been in prison i'm the one who stabbed people i'm a puerto rican girl
from sunset park you're not going to do anything you're going to say you're going to get really mad
during the back but i can't get into a physical altercation because you know i have a show you know i can't i
can't be in the papers she's like so so she's like she's like you're going to do nothing and
she's like and by the way you know what i respect about jazz all the things that like a woman would
be like oh you know i'm scared to you know like if there's a sound in the middle of the night i'm
not going to check that she will i don't know how to build anything.
I don't know anything about cars.
Like all that.
You know, I like sports and stuff.
And I do my comedy, which is an art form, which is gay to a lot of women.
Like, oh, you're into the arts.
You're a gay man.
She doesn't care about that.
She's like, I don't care.
I'll beat the shit out of our daughter's boyfriends.
I'll fix the car.
I'll build a house.
How much time did she do?
Huh?
For the stabbing?
Oh, no, no, no.
Well, she did go. She went to jail. No, it was like an overnight thing. Oh, so it wasn't prison. All right. the car i'll build how much time she do huh for the stabbing oh no no she well she she's i she
did go and she got went to jail what no it was like an overnight thing oh so it wasn't real
prison all right here's what i'll say about jazz and this is what i love about her i don't think
that she ever would ever would get to a level where she would get so mad at me that she would
stab me but it's not out of it's not completely it's not off the table not off the table like
some women you'd be like it's off they never, like my mother would never do that.
But I like the kind of fear that,
not never, highly unlikely,
but listen, push me and see what happens.
She's like, push me and see what happens,
which I respect and I'm kind of like,
I love that.
I love that about her.
Yeah, I'd never seen her before.
Gorgeous.
She was on a recent episode.
Chrissy Chaos, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your award- Gorgeous. She was on a recent episode, Chrissy Chaos, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your award-winning podcast.
That's it, baby.
Okay, great block, Chris.
Your dad did prison time, right?
He did, yeah, before I was born.
So it's not like I ever went and visited him or anything.
Great.
Yeah.
But there were times where he might as well have been in jail.
Yeah, there were times when I... Your parents divorced and and oh yeah my yeah my parents divorced when i was one immediately my mother's smart woman so she knew that she made a big mistake in having you the big mistake was
in having you no i think that you know it's the big mistake was in marrying my dad i think it's
interesting my mother loves me like so it's very clear my mother loves me. But I think if I was like, hey, mom, if you said you can have a – you push a button and you'll have a child again, but it's not going to be this Chris because you can pick another guy, she would pick another guy.
And she'd make me different because she would say at times when I was being like a little kid, she's like, oh, you look just like your father. Because she was just disdain. I don't think I could hand, when I see guys early, we'll have a daughter.
If your wife or husband's a monster, it must be so much harder to spend time with the kid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And my dad was not a monster, but it's just, they had issues.
They had problems. Yeah. I'm not talking about literal monsters. I'm talking about a monster but but but it's just yeah they they had they had ish you know they had problems yeah and not even i'm not talking about like literal i'm talking like
a monster to you like i can't stand this one it must be hard to people have told me like you don't
think about oh that's her or that's him yeah well because i remember like being like you know i'm
just a kid like whatever 10 years old and i'd be talking to friend talking and i talking and I'd be like, you know, like, can I have butter on?
Like, can I have butter on that?
Like, just talk.
I'm from New York talking.
And she would run around and she's like, you pronounce your R's.
You will not sound like an idiot like your father.
Like she would have like this trigger.
She's like, you better pronounce those R's.
She was all about me pronouncing my R's.
I could do it, you know?
Yeah.
Just pronounce them.
Hey, it's me.
I'm at the airport.
New year, new you.
Can we still say new year?
It is like March, but stay on track with Magic Spoon,
cereal that tastes like your childhood faves,
but with more protein and less sugar.
It's a variety pack.
Comes in four flavors that are cocoa, fruity,
frosted, and peanut butter.
This pack is zero grams of sugar,
13 to 14 grams of protein,
and four to five net grams of carbs,
only 140 calories a serving.
It's high protein, has zero grams of sugar,
keto-friendly, gluten-free, grain-free, and soy-free.
I'm at the airport.
You can hear the lady trying to interrupt this spot,
but I'm not gonna let it happen, guys,
because I'm committed to the game. Last thing i did before i left my beautiful home
in california is i had a bowl of the of the peanut butter it was delicious i'm very excited
they're a sponsor because i eat it myself um all right go to magicspoon.com slash NEAL
to grab a variety pack and try it today.
And be sure to use our
promo code NEAL
at checkout to save $5
$5 off your order.
And Magic Spoon is so
confident in their product.
It's back with a 100%
happiness guarantee. So if you
don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money.
Can't argue with that.
No questions asked.
None.
Remember, get your next delicious bowl of high-protein cereal at magicspoon.com slash NEAL.
And use the code NEAL to save $5 off.
Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring sponsoring this episode not only do you taste good
you've got good taste you've still got it you have a block catholicism tell us tell us a pretty big
one one of the one of the greats yes the greatest block see here's the thing here's the thing with
people my age and your age i think we're both, you know, the truth about Catholicism got uncovered when my teenage brain was forming. Right. So somebody older, a little bit older or even a little bit younger doesn't. I was born at the right time to be like Catholic, like you really, if you're my age, you really got to fucks with religion
to really kind of be proud to be a Catholic. Because when I was 15 is when the news broke
that they're raping all the kids and that the power and corruption goes deeper than you could
ever imagine. And not only are they raping the kids, but then the priests and the powers that be all the way up to the Pope, most likely,
is protecting the pedophiles in the church.
And now you're saying, and now I'm like,
uh-oh, it's Spaghetti-O.
I didn't know that because my mom, very religious,
even my father, very religious.
And Catholicism, it was so ingrained in me.
Here's how much Catholicism was ingrained in me.
Number one, I have Catholic tattoos all over my body still.
Like Catholic cross, Catholic scripture.
I mean, literally, if I take my shirt off,
it's like I'm fighting for the army of God.
Like you think I'm in Mystic River.
Like I am a Boston Catholic, even though I'm from New York.
And so-
And German.
And German, yeah.
And not in any way Italian.
Yeah, there was a point where things got so bad
for the Catholics, I was like, I'd rather be a Nazi than a Catholic. Like I was prouder of that. Yeah. And not in any way Italian. Yeah. Yeah. There was a point where things got so bad for the Catholics. I was like, I'd rather be a Nazi than a Catholic. Like I was prouder of that.
Yeah. And, and, and so, you know, growing up, you know, like with, with, with all this
Catholicism kind of this shift, it was so ingrained in me, Catholic school, Catholic grammar school,
Catholic high school, Catholic college. Okay. I grew up in New York, Brooklyn, New York. I did
not meet my first Jewish person until I was 23 years old when I entered graduate school for physical
therapy. Graduate school, 23 years old, I met my first Jewish person. Shout out Dana, great kid.
That was the first Jewish person I ever befriended in my life because I was so,
it was like I was so Catholic. I was like the Hasidic Jew of Catholicism. It was, my block
was Catholic. Everything was about the church.
Everything was Catholic, Catholic, Catholic, Catholic.
And it's been this major block for me
because what is Catholic, at the core of it,
Catholicism, I think a lot of the guilt,
you know, people always say, you know,
Catholic guilt, all that.
That to me comes from, well, the main thing I think
is all you hear in church and all you hear in Catholicism
is pretty much whatever you do here on earth The main thing I think is all you hear in church and all you hear in Catholicism is
pretty much whatever you do here on earth is going to dictate where you're placed in
the afterlife.
So if you don't go to church, if you masturbate, if you have premarital sex, if you commit
any of these sins, then guess what?
Your chance in heaven goes down, down, purgatory, hell.
That's what's happening.
And, you know, so that's where the guilt comes from.
So I've been struggling with that. And I didn't realize how directly correlated that was with my anxiety and my
kind of feelings towards myself, because I thought I could give money to, growing up,
I'd give money to a homeless person or do a good deed or do something. But if I didn't go to church
on Sunday, I'm going to hell. And I could never get out of my own. You know what's also really funny?
Yeah.
As I listen to this, the rules are so unclear.
Yes.
Like, do you know what a mortal sin?
I still, like, so if I masturbate and then confess, does it count?
It was never clear to me.
It was never clear, like, you never clear like you're good right well for
me too like you know the mortal sin versus the venial sin that would be like a more venial sin
you know it's masturbation not that mortal sin is like killing rape those things and those sins
mortal sins but not raping little boys right those kind mortal sins technically could only be
absolved i believe a mortal sin could only be absolved by a
pope or a car you had to travel yeah you have to travel yeah you you have to you have to get a
flight to italy yeah which you know it's tough it was tough for the catholics back then yeah dude
we were doing feng hua bus lines to boston so we were taking a three dollar chinese bus ride to
we're not we don't have the money we don't got the money we don't have a passport what how do we do like i remember like i remember being i remember being about 25 26 and
going to the eastern state penitentiary uh in philadelphia it's you know visit great great
thing to do if you're ever around where we why'd you go i just i love history so i wanted to go
the eastern state penitentiary the reason why I went is it's one of the,
it's an old school Quaker prison.
So the way they have it set up is,
you know, they had the guards in the middle
and then you had these long hallways
and those would be the prisoner cells.
So like Quaker prison, Quaker style was like,
your penance is you sit in silence
for the rest of your life.
Like you do not have any interaction,
which of course makes people go insane.
But anyway, Al Capone had a cell there, right? And I wasn't even thinking about Catholicism
then, whatever. We're on the tour and we're going down and they said, oh, this is Al Capone's cell,
whatever. So they said, oh, he actually began to get like really sick here. And I don't know that
he died in that prison, but he died shortly after him leaving that prison. And he said, but it was on this bed right here where the priest absolved him of all his sins. And therefore, you know, he was a devout
Catholic towards the end of his life. So he was absolved of his sins and crimes and, you know,
believed he was going to heaven. And I was like, what a bunch of bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. First
of all, paid off the priest. Sure. But I was like, what a bunch of, what a bullshit type of religion then
if this guy who killed so many people,
murdered people, ruined families,
is now just because at the end of his life
he had enough money or enough cachet,
was famous enough to get a high-ranking priest
to absolve him of his sins, now he goes to heaven?
But I might go to hell because I'm jerking off
and having premarital sex
because I love Puerto Rican women.
And I'm horny.
Hello.
Hello.
And I'm battling my sexuality.
So, yeah, have I, you know, fucking maybe gone too close with a guy?
Sure.
Who's winning, by the way, you versus your sexuality?
So far, right now it's me, but we are wavering.
It's one of those things where when I hit 40, if I'm lucky enough to hit 40,
there might just be a thing where I'm like,
listen, I got to be honest with you.
The most fun I've had,
I don't know if you haven't seen the show,
please Google it.
Season one of White Lotus.
Did you see White Lotus?
I've seen episode one.
Okay, so the first season of White Lotus,
the best character is this Australian gay guy.
Yeah, the manager.
That's the guy I want to be. That's the guy who's like, I love that guy. And it's like, what is that guy doing? He's just being gay.
He's just having fun. Yep. You know, I'm like, and I, I felt myself identifying with that guy.
I was like, I don't know that I can eat a guy's ass over a table, which is one of the scenes,
but I'm like, you know what, dude, can you, I can be gay without hooking up with a guy.
can you i can be gay without hooking up with a guy i mean in taught in terms of a like culturally having a blast yeah no one's having more fun dude i gotta be honest with you as i'm getting older i
don't know if it's my blood pressure medicine shout out los arden i don't know if it's that
but could you have a promo code i wish i did yeah yeah go ahead yeah not yet um i i don't not that i don't need sex i mean it's a human need
sure but i've been so much less horny and like i i'm okay having sex with jasmine once a week
once every two it's not that big a deal if we have sex or don't have sex and even when i'm on the road
like that whole idea of like oh we're in the road i want to jerk off 10 times i want to try to get a girl after the show. None of that happens. I'm like, no, I'd
rather I'd done it enough in my life. Now it's like, I'd rather just go hang out with the feature,
go get something nice to eat right after the show, chill out, maybe not even add a show,
just be done by nine o'clock, go enjoy a city, be back in the hotel room by 11 and just that's fine because the stress and anxiety comes with
the chase of the women comes with the trying to validate your feelings and validate your security
as a man by being on the prowl sexually i'm like i don't want it's maybe the dumbest scoring system
imaginable yeah and it's the only it's not the only it's like that's just a way guys keep
score right and it's so destructive yeah and i blame and i'm bringing it all back to because i
blame a lot of that on catholicism i really do and i blame a lot of all that on my you know me
being told i need to go to an all-boy catholic school me being told that premarital sex is wrong
me being told all those things, that masturbation is wrong.
And it creates a pressure that you feel like can only be resolved by sex with a woman.
By sex with a woman, by being a bad boy and having premarital sex, by doing all these things.
No, it's funny because I'm 12 years Catholic school.
Yep.
What sex would be like without that without that thing of like this
is bad yeah even if it's because i'm like far from it now but it's still the frame is there
you're not a practicing catholic anymore yeah so we're similar in that where yeah where i even like
i was an atheist now i'm not like but i don't believe in catholic god like i'm like that seems
silly but i got both my daughters baptized only because get baptized into the Catholic faith.
This way, if you want to make a decision
as you get older, my girls, if they want to,
and they want to get the rest of the sacraments,
communion, confirmation, all that, they can do that.
This way they're baptized.
I just didn't want my kids to like want to be Catholic
because I wouldn't stop them from that
and then be, you know, 25 years old
having to get dunked in a tank.
So I was like, let them just do that as kids. But no communion for my older one, no penance,
none of these sacraments. And it's caused a bit of an issue with my family who are still devout
Catholics. And I'm like, you guys got to understand, I make sure my daughters have
relationships with God and spirituality. And I meditate with my seven-year-old and
we're just doing things a little different. I'm never going to pressure her. She can choose whatever religion she wants because
I had Catholicism pounded down my throat and I don't know that it did any good for me. And I
didn't have a choice and I didn't learn about other religions and I was very insulated. And,
you know, it was a blessing to be able to come and start to get into comedy and meet all these
different types of people. And when I was 25, 26 in the West Village-
How many Jews have you met by now?
Since Dana.
Since Dana.
Now I've met, well, Dana, there's Sam Morrill
and Ari Shaffir, so three.
Yeah.
And you, I thought you and Schultz were Jews,
but you're not.
But so I'll say three and a half.
But so Catholicism has been a major block for me
because I feel like
there isn't something good about structure in a religion and i do i will say like it's not
a bad moral structure right in like the the the basics of it like the golden rule could have just
told me the golden rule yeah you know what i mean yeah um but the rest just the the bylaws and the thing and then
venial and mortal and you're going here and that's full and you're going you're going to a
different place into hell and it's like okay because in a way right what is church church
is meditation that's what you're doing like when you're meditating you're kind of getting a
connection to your spirit and all that stuff and it's great but it's like so you're saying if i
don't do that sunday every
sunday then in your system i lose points and i go to hell and also you want to burn me yeah yeah
what you want to burn me because i didn't go to fucking a building yeah it's and listen to a
ceremony that i by the time i it was just wrote and i could say i knew it i had a memory i'm
mouthing along in the audience yeah but you want to burn me yeah i'm gonna get burnt but al capone's
in heaven with a tommy gun no thanks um social media slash women okay so one in the same so for me it was my birthday of just this past year august 26 uh
2022 so i turned just turned 38 and i i looked in the mirror and you know it's one of those i'm i
don't really care too much about uh birthdays i think they're really stupid um i think that's one
of the blocks it is one of the blocks i didn't put it on here because i ronnie chang had it we yeah and i also i mean my point of view is i listen here i can you want
i can get a pony yeah and here's the thing i've stolen enough of ronnie chang's act so i don't
want to i'm not going to steal his block um so so you did a huge chunk about chinese people loving
money right yeah yeah and it didn't do well but
you were you were up there talking about how chinese people though and you just called them
those chinese people yeah yeah they love that money yeah i did a whole 20 minute bit about
growing up in singapore and people like i love when chang did this yeah so so um when i looked
in the mirror uh you know i kind of it was one of those birthdays for whatever reason pronounce your r's say it again birthday mirrors mirrors mirrors great yeah so um even though it's a random
birthday at 38 it means nothing right it's not a milestone i woke up in the morning and i found
myself going to brush my teeth my family was still sleeping and i just looked in the mirror and i was
like you know internally i was like you're 38 years old now and i you know i was in my boxers and i was like you don't look good i was having
like this now all in my head i was like you look like shit your your your chest is pointing this
way you have a gut you you're gonna this is a year this is a time now where if you don't i'm
picturing several nipples oh yeah dude many n dude. Many nipples. I look like a pregnant pit bull.
Yeah, I look like Jasmine.
And so I said, you're getting close to 40.
Now you're in your late 30s, okay?
I think for some reason, 37.
I was still like, I'm in my mid-30s.
But 38, I was like, no, this is the late 30s now.
So the snowball, it's going to avalanche if you do not get yourself together physically and mentally now.
It almost felt like the warning systems were going off.
And they weren't there the night before.
It just, right?
So I said to myself, what's the plan here?
I always know that it starts in the mind.
And I said, what is your biggest, what is the thing that takes up the most amount of your time? What wasn't even, it was, it was almost popping out of the front of my head. It
was so far in the front of my mind. It was social media was the thing that's popping the most
preoccupied you are. It is like you have missed milestones in your daughter's lives, steps and
her doing something cool and whatever. Cause you're looking at, you're in your daughter's lives steps and her doing something cool and whatever because you're
looking on you're in your phone you're on social media in your phone obsessed but you saw some
pretty great stuff oh my god are you amazing let's be clear it's you missed a step but you did see
somebody get punched in the face oh it's repeatedly yeah different angles i i a chimp chimpanzee eating
his own cum i mean it's like i know i
missed the baby's first step so i mean this is insane this guy's sitting on the hood of a car
in a safari eating his own cum so you saw the takeover corners in la where they're doing the
fast and furious spins and kids get clipped it was great all the conspiracies you know
everything it was it's amazing it's not it wasn't a blowout in terms of like, you should have looked at, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, no, I mean, my daughter's great,
but it's like, you know, so yeah. So was all, so was all the Fauci conspiracy. I love those too.
So, but I said, you got to get, this is the problem here. I said, I believe if your brain,
the, the, you start to the brain and your head and the body will follow. I said, get off social media.
So I just immediately, I called my manager at the time, Emilio, the Italian woman. And I said,
buddy, I need help here. I said, I know that we need social media for tickets and all that. I get
it. But I'm, I'm willing to pay like anything to, to give this the key full keys. You know,
a lot of guys won't do that. They're like, Oh,ms or what if that or what if i can't get in i don't care i knew i knew viscerally intrinsically
if i don't give the full keys over right now i will this will derail my life so i said everything
this kid who i i know i know my shout out my friend brian he's the one who handles it he's
the one who handles it i full access so if he wanted to he's getting a lot of ass oh my god i understand i told him
let me be clear with you you can have as much fun as you want on my instagram confirm they're over
18 i don't need any i don't need any i don't need any of these slip-ups that they think it's me
i don't need that and every day you text him a picture of what your your appearance that day
so that he can yes he's got to be he's
got it similar glasses not identical but close yeah glasses yeah somebody somebody by the way
sent me uh brian sent me a screenshot the other day because kalilah you know from the from the
tiger belly podcast had dm me but again don't run my account somebody had texted her from a
not my number saying hey what's up it's chris estefanol be in la let's get lunch next week i'm like what's the plan there what is the plan
you dm kalai let's say let's get lunch but then it's not me so i don't even understand what it
is but anyway if you heard that's not me um i got it's bobby that's what yes it probably was right
yeah yeah then he comes out yeah like meet meet me at California Pizza Kid, CPK.
With these glasses.
He's like, oh, it's Chrissy D.
And so what happened was, with that, is I said, you got to change.
And I gave the keys up.
And I'm not going to lie, dude, it was very difficult.
Because you just get used to this.
Yeah.
What's going on?
Hey, you misspelled Orlando.
They're not going to buy tickets now.
And I just gave it all up. I said, even if this means less ticket sales, even if this means less
money, even if this means less followers, I don't care. It's about getting me healthy right now for
my family. We're doing okay enough where it's like, I don't care if I sell a little, even if I
sold half the tickets, it's going to get me better. And then dude, that when that started to happen, I didn't realize it then what started to happen was, is I
think the main thing. And, and you know, cause since then I've dropped like 35 pounds. I'm like,
my whole life has changed. That's insane. Yeah. It literally, my whole life has like,
you probably down to three nipples, four nipples tops. I'm still five, six, but I it's, it's
genetic, but, but it's still half the
nipple count and like in the gym like just fucking everything changed and i think what would happen
you know as i thought about this in about december a couple months ago you know when you're on social
media right like you'll you'll see somebody who's better than you who you perceive as better than
you you know whether it's comedy but you know muscle you know guys in shape i I would feel, be feeling good at previous points about, Oh, I'm feeling
good. I'm I've ate right for a week and I'm, I I'm getting in the gym, you know, three times a week
and I'm feeling good. And then you see someone who's absolutely shredded and you're like, well,
I'll never look like that subconsciously depressed two hours later. I'm not equating it to that,
but it's when the seed was planted. Now I'm eating ice cream and Philly cheesesteaks. And
that rolls into, well, I get up the next morning and now I don't want to go in the gym
because I feel fat enough. And what's the point anyway? And this whole spiral, spiral, spiral.
Your daughter's taking her first steps. You can't see her because of all the nachos.
Yeah. Yeah. I just, I literally, it's, I can't even focus. And I realized what's happened was,
is why I've been able to stay consistent and why I've been able to kind of change my life is because that comparison every day that I would consume me is gone.
I don't compare myself to anyone anymore because I don't know what's going.
I only know what's going on with my people in my life, my friends and family.
And when I meet when I see someone like who I haven't seen in a while,
we catch up for 20 minutes.
What's been going on, all that.
And even furthermore, what I noticed
is I'm not comparing myself to me.
On social media, I would constantly,
well, subconsciously, compare me to me.
I would look at myself from six months ago
when I was on it every day and then be like or
facebook memory something would pop up and i'd be like man remember when i look like that those
were the good old days remember that time and then it would subconsciously depress me where now i
don't do that i don't do that at all anymore i'm like how about view counts would you look at that
view counts constantly would make me feel insignificant as a person it would make and
and then what i would do then especially when I was in my single days,
I would use social media as like a dating platform. And instead of writing the jokes when I'm in the hotel, I would be trying to set up meetings with girls and go, let's get coffee,
let's get a drink, and let's hang out right after the show. Hey, Kalilah, I'm going to be in LA.
Yeah, I'm going to be in LA. Let's get lunch. It's not me. And I would take up all this time, all this energy.
My act was never changing.
I was never really writing.
I was so anxious about being on stage for the 945 show
because I know I've got to hang out with this one.
But then I also told that one and all this stuff.
And it all just went away.
And then what happened was, too, where Jasmine and I
were at points drifting apart over the last couple of years and kind of just being like, oh, it's because we have kids and this is what it is.
Now we've gotten so much closer because we say to now all that time that was taken up on me being depressed because I'm, you know, because of who you were six weeks earlier, who I was six weeks earlier.
I think of who I was six weeks earlier.
Me, honestly, me seeing a random, you know, some random girl, even if I didn't, you know,
act on it, you know, DMing me or commenting like, you're so cute, whatever.
And then I'd look at her profile.
Oh, she's pretty.
She's a doctor.
She's this.
She's that. She's not Puerto Rican.
She's not Puerto Rican.
She does have a tattoo tick because that's a prereq for me, but she's not Puerto Rican.
I would start to have these subconscious fantasies about well my life would be easier with her and again it's all deep
in the subconscious my life would be easier with her and by the way the other thing you're not
talking about severe guilt huge back to the catholicism yes severe guilt and then what
would happen cause a fight with jazz and i yeah jazz would sense something you know women can
sense what you're pulling away fight oh you're always i would then i would turn back you're always on my ass i can't
live like this you know why don't we you know what maybe we should break up all that stuff because
all these subconscious thoughts you can do better you can do better i'm gonna be with the doctor
when this not puerto rican doctor with the tattoo tit yeah when i get with her first of all she's
gonna take care of all of my medical problems yes yeah no she's the one for me i she's a doctor yes she has fake lips fake tits
a fake ass and gdm me at 3 a.m but she's literally going to give me an easier life yeah gets me so
getting off the social media um and kind of just opened up this world to me that I did like so much. I feel so much more
connected to my family, so much more connected to myself. All the comparisons I was doing, right?
Kind of, I didn't realize was making me bitter, right? Because you're always,
you always feel insignificant. But now, because I don't feel that insignificant anymore,
and I'm happy with what I'm doing in my life and who i'm
becoming i truly genuinely am happy for all my peers that i see doing well because i feel like
i'm doing well too so what's the difference this actually happened a couple of days ago and again
no people don't uh you know don't even realize and it's fine i sold out four wilbers boss right
so it's like 4 000 tickets
they're going to add a show it's all great stuff i'm happy right and then one of my friends again
fine he goes oh you think you're good and then he sends me uh taylor thomason who sold like 14 000
tickets like all the wang theater so congrats to taylor thomason crushing it he was like how does
that make your wilbur's feel now and i and i honest i genuinely like truly because i i was a friend close enough i would have been honest with him because two years ago
it would have made me feel insignificant and would have made me be like you know you would
have said something that you didn't realize well i'm funnier than her right you know whatever
bullshit you would say and i genuinely was like i'm happy for taylor as a matter of fact it made
me i told my guy brian i said can we dm taylor and just be like hey because i didn't even know
about it i'm like can we dm her say we're gonna be in la friday we should get lunch
yes maybe coffee because i have a lunch with kalilah yeah yeah yeah i want to say i would
say i dm'd her i said hey you know you're crushing it taylor i just want to say congrats on everything
and this is not you know anything sexual you don't even have a tattoo on your tit i'm not
interested but i know but i and and it was a genuine feeling and it was one of those things like you bring a temporary tattoo though oh yeah yeah in a
case of emergencies it brought that qualifies you feel you seem like you should have a tattoo
maybe she can't afford it at the very very least scholarship program and a temporary at the very
least i always make sure my hotel is within walking distance of a henna studio at least they can get that on the tip yes yeah thank you yeah um so so it made me genuinely it was a moment
that happened a couple days ago i was like i'm happy like i'm happy i'm happy to be at the place
i'm at i also feel i'm at a place in my life where if this was my career never got any bigger than
this i'm happy and content with this which which i believe is directly tied to social media i had a similar situation
it's funny the wilbur is that we were i was talking to sam and and uh and mark norman about
it wilbur is like well how many wilbur's strong is he yeah he is for wilbur who chrissy d he is
for wilbur strong yeah i did the wilbur in august didn't quite sell it out now i'm doing doing it again this
july or something and i sold out one yeah added a second well that'll sell out great yeah do you
know what i mean like comparing myself to that's a good way to compare yourself to yourself instead
of comparing yourself to like melaney did 21 Wilbers.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm happy.
Like I, well, because then the comparisons get endless.
It's like, well, yeah.
How many did Kevin Hart do?
He did a million Wilbers.
Yeah.
A million Wilbers.
And then even outside of that, it's like, well, I'm the same age as LeBron James.
Are we going to, am I going to, should I be in the NBA?
How many points you got in the NBA?
Yeah.
None.
Zero.
Yeah. But you're still happy because you're not, you didn't even hear about him breaking the record. You're not on social media. gonna right am i gonna should i be in the how many points you got in the nba yeah none zero yeah but
you're still happy because you're not you didn't even hear about him breaking the record you're
not on social media yeah i didn't even know dude yeah yeah i was asleep to your 35 uh pounds thing
the social media is i mean look give give the kid something you know i mean yeah i fudged it
fudge which delicious you probably haven't had
any in a while
I only eat sweets on Saturdays
that's a big thing for me
Sunday
I'm a Sunday
no there you go
Sunday sweets
you know what
I'll change it to Sunday
you know what
social media is cigarettes
okay
it's just gonna end up being
the most
harmful thing
that people are just
letting exist and you think 50 years from now we'll look
back as we look back in cigarettes be like remember when we used to let humanity do that
some the fact that china blocks tiktok right for kids is of course they they should right america
should block tiktok you literally are like i can't do this a little bit. I was getting spun out.
And then I took Instagram off my phone and I'm like, oh, I'm so much cleaner.
Yeah.
You just are like existing as a person.
That's it.
And not as like a phone.
You're not in a crazy relationship with your phone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which, which is vital.
And then you kind of get your head up, just putting your head up, just, just try to walk
around for an hour and just have your head up the
whole time you'll realize like there's so much life to see but half of us are just buried in
the phone you don't you don't realize how much time is going by yeah and again no disrespect to
the fauci conspiracy videos and the memes yeah and the guys getting clipped by the by the fast
and furious spinouts and the chimp eating his own cum yeah and the the lion going
after the gazelle that one that's amazing that's incredible it's like lawrence taylor yeah no and
listen here's the truth is i still watch all that i just not on my phone i watch the plandemic
week after week about you know the fountain on the big screen on the big screen. On the big screen. Where it belongs. Yep.
Being away from New York.
So there is a, and I want it to be specifically being away from New York, not being away from home. Because I thought that it was always being away from home, which is, you know, home is my family and my children and all that.
But it is specifically New York because when I had to go to L for four months and I brought my family and my kids and I still had the same dread of being outside of being away
from New York.
I have such a connection to the city.
I'm like, I am like a New York guy.
Like I am that guy that's like hell bent on having a career in entertainment and doing
it all for New York.
Would you wear a New York garbage man sweatshirt yeah great
yes yes i would great i literally want to make my whole my said what's one goal what's two goals my
main goal is to get to do comedy and msg on my own not opening from my show msg that's the big goal
and the second main goal is to be have a career in you know whatever it may be entertainment
where i'm in new york i'm going to be the new woody allen and and change maybe maybe not don't
change anything the new woody allen is who i am and i feel like just such a deep connection
here like when i would go when i travel still to this day i'm the guy i am looking or looking back
whether i'm flying out of newark jf I am looking or looking back, whether I'm flying
out of Newark, JFK, LaGuardia, looking back and seeing the city for every last possible second
until I get to the skies and can't see anymore. I'm looking at it. And when I, like I was just
in Cleveland last week and a shout out hilarity is great club. And, and I, um, I was, I found
myself for two hours in the hotel room. It was freezing out. So I couldn't do anything.
Watching YouTube videos of live New York.
There's just a YouTuber.
He's just watching people walk around New York live.
And I'm like, I'm obsessed with it.
I just love it so much.
And I find myself watching videos from the 90s, the early 2000s.
I'm watching.
This one, you wouldn't be looking at the world
trade center uh background a lot well if i'm really homesick i'm like let's just replay yeah
yeah because you know it wasn't all bad i i had i was you know it was the day yeah i mean that you
you got a real viral moment yeah exactly out of it so thank you bin laden yeah for everything
polarities wouldn't have been sold out without 9-11.
So I would like to actually give a public thank you to Al-Qaeda.
Yeah.
Finally.
Yes.
And as far as a block goes, because it definitely felt like urgent, but I don't know.
I think it blocks me in the sense of it makes me feel like with you know with the career opportunities we can get in
entertainment to travel i turn down travel sometimes because i truly just don't want to
leave new york city and i don't know if at some point in my life i will regret that maybe you go
to a different city like uh you go to tampa i'll be there april 1st tampa theater right of course
but you bring like a hot pipe that you can put in your room you know what i mean yeah
just new york trappings just yeah a radiator that makes the the railroad noises from the 1800s
jewish landlord jewish landlord in the bathroom the whole time evasive super yes a super you can't get in touch with yes uh very byzantine ass complicated parking
regulations yes uh byzantine i like that byzantine i've never heard it described as byzantine but i
like that's for the kid that's i like that because you're uh the parking rules are very constantinople
that's correct yes thank you uh what else could we of course of course you bring a box of rats
one thousand and just let them they get to your room five minutes before and dump the rats out
roaches and rats yeah from new legit they wear vests the nypd vests oh yeah no when i when i
bring my kids on the road with me sometimes not because they're my kids it's because they're
puerto rican and they identify with new york i'm bringing Puerto Ricans with me. You associate them with New York.
Yeah, I give them little cans of adobo and we have fun.
And it's a great time.
Yeah.
You know what's funny?
I should say that I don't like being not home at certain times of day.
Not even wherever my home is, whether it's New York or whatever,
or where in LA my home, like I moved recently.
I just want to be home around sunset.
Okay. When the sun is setting, I want to be home you're like a farmer yeah i like it um i want to be home i just
want to be like i don't know i just certain times i was reading a book and someone said they didn't
like a certain time of day and i was like i didn't know you were allowed to not like certain times of day because I don't – I get insecure around sunset.
It is very – really?
I just get like –
Because the night is coming?
It's like Sunday scary or Sunday –
Sunday scary.
Sunday scary.
It's my version of Sunday scary.
Right.
Like I'll have certain times of day I got bad associations with.
Interesting.
That's a – you know, I used to feel that way.
I used to associate interesting.
Well, weirdly, I should say.
I used to.
Might be interesting.
Go ahead.
It's possible.
I used to associate.
And this actually changed in the last four months of my life as well.
I would be happy when it was cloudy.
When it was cloudy and rainy was when I was the most happy.
And when it was sunny and hot is when I was the most happy. And when it was sunny and hot is when I was the least happy.
And I talked to a therapist once and he said, most likely why you're associating the rain and clouds with happiness is because something probably very profound, something that made you very profoundly happy when you were a child, when your brain was forming, happened in a cloudy day.
where a child when your brain was forming happened in a cloudy day and you just subconsciously associate all that. And something very bad happened to you that you made you profoundly
upset on a sunny hot day. And you associate with that nine 11, nine 11. There you go.
And it was a beautiful morning. It was crisp. We didn't know what was about to hit. It was a great
day. We didn't know what was about to hit us. Yeah. Um, and, and I, but I will tell you that,
uh, my therapist therapist if you're listening
and by the way shout out better help um but you were wrong on this one um it was simply because i
i i was fat and out of shape and cloudy skies and the rain made me say i can put on more layers
and sunny and hot said you're gonna have to show your tits and your multiple nipples and now that
i don't feel that way i'd like it to be hot great there
it is i love hot weather i don't like san francisco because i don't like the like it's uh like gas
lady weather intended to break you down right that you have no when you're in san francisco
you got no autonomy yeah because you got you it's like the weather is in charge.
Yeah, because it can be 30 degree change as soon as you go over the bridge.
If only Mark Twain had written about it.
Now, my point is that like,
there are like weather or time of day
or like weird things that affect our moods
that we don't even think about.
That's my block.
Yeah.
A lot of things affect our moods.
And finally,
y'all go ahead.
Being alone.
Being alone. alone see I thought
this was a block and I
thought Neil's not even going to go for this
one because probably everybody comes in here
and says that they're blocked by being alone but
nobody has no not that
I can think of okay I am
very you have a very
active mind that's what's
interesting about you is like the kid
from the Letterman kid yeah
um the kid who was on letterman that's not david letterman the kid the kid who's on blocks
what a great episode yes uh taylor talinson also great episode yeah oh did she do this already yeah
she beats me in everything i mean she's done it twice um in seven episodes she's done she we added
one um i didn't know how active that kid's mind was
right the letterman kid this what's great about new chrissy yeah you are you'll say chrissy chaos
you'll say fucking anxiety tuesdays sunday scaries just you'll say are my sexuality like it's everything is available right and it's very fun to watch but my guess is
you know you like having a place to a receptor right i think it all stems from this fear of
being alone because even i've noticed when i'm driving right when i'm driving you know in peace
in the car pure daylight whatever not scared of anything, just driving, I'm constantly looking for people to call, to talk to through the drive. The moments of just sitting quiet, I do it, I've been forcing myself to do it, I'm very inconsistent with it, and a big goal of mine is to stay consistent with it. One of the hardest things I do is trying to sit quietly and meditate.
It feels almost like an impossibility to try to do this, you know, the transcendental meditation,
20 minutes twice a day. I'm like, I can't even think about doing, to sit down for five minutes with my eyes closed and my thoughts. I'm like, I have to talk to somebody. I feel like I'm alone,
I'm alone, I'm alone. People who travel alone.
It feels at this point in my life, like inconceivable to do that.
The amount of loneliness I'd feel, the amount of pressure I'd feel, the amount, how much
I'd miss New York.
It would, it would, it would, it would be so much to the point where I would be like,
I have to, it actually happened.
I went to England.
I was doing shows in England, and I was by myself.
My friend was supposed to come meet me.
He couldn't get out there.
I had tickets to the Yankees-Red Sox in 2018 when they played the one and only Major League
Baseball game they played in London, England.
My favorite baseball team of all time, the Yankees, their main rival, the Red Sox.
I paid all this money for these tickets.
This trip over there, book shows around it, sold no tickets,
just a full loss.
Taylor added shows in London.
That is true.
She actually played in the game.
And so two days before the game,
I still had gigs left on the schedule.
The game was the focal point. I felt so alone,
created a scenario in my head
where I thought I had appendicitis.
It's just gas because I was eating fish and chips like it was my job which it was and i i flew home how's
that job pay by the way great it pays in diarrhea um i flew home and and got and convinced myself
you're flying home because you want to see your daughter. You're flying home.
This is the right move, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Get home. My daughter was by my mom's house.
Go knock on the door. My mom's like, what are you doing here? I was like, I want to come home
early. I miss the baby so much, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's appendicitis. I have appendicitis.
And a mother's just intuition. She said, you were scared to be alone in England.
Right away, seven o'clock in the morning, she was like, you're scared to be alone in England right away, seven o'clock in the morning. You know, she was like, you're scared to be alone in England.
Single tear. Yeah. I was like, I was like, I am. I was like, wow, I was. She was like, man,
she was like, so you didn't go to the game. I said, no, it's tomorrow. She was like, you're
going to regret this, honey. And then, and then we went in, made me breakfast, never mentioned
it really again, but it was profound where I was like, as soon as you said like, what is your biggest blocks?
Like that still is the one that I haven't, I feel like the other ones I've.
How much you eat on those tickets?
Oh my God, dude.
I, uh, cause I bought my ticket and for my friend, uh, I was out three grand, which,
you know, I mean, there's a lot of money now, but back then, I mean, it's everything kind
of insurmountable, you know, like like i am i'm fucked yeah and and so i still that being
alone i haven't the other ones again you never con you know you never fully conquer stuff i i
think there's always we all always learn but that being alone one is as big a block today as it was
in 2018 where the other ones are way less blocks i don't think you're wrong to like people do you know what i mean like i don't think you're wrong to want to
talk like i have friends who call me on the phone i don't want to talk on the phone really but like
it's i don't mind it you know i mean like yeah clearly they like talking on the phone they like
people they like receiver that's comics will call me whatever like how does it hurt you though other than the yankee tickets i think when i'm alone i have a fix maybe for how to bring new york with you
okay what is it you get like a rag and you have derrick jeter hold it against his chest
okay for like two minutes yeah and then he gives it to you and then
everywhere you go you sniff it just sniff it yeah like a sniff a jeter sniff right it's like
my shroud it's a shroud of jeter that's correct yeah uh i that's a good idea yeah i i think that
you know for me um this being alone thing i think ultimately it comes down to you know, for me, this being alone thing, I think ultimately it comes down to, you know,
when I'm alone, then I think I have to still get faced with it. Like all the noise calms down.
It's like, I still get faced with all this work I still have to do and all these questions that I,
you know, said when we started the show that I wanted to have answered so I could be the best
version of myself for my daughter. I think I have to get faced with all these questions that I still haven't answered. And I'm still not even, I believe i could be the best version of myself for my daughter i think i have to get faced with all these questions that i still haven't answered and i'm still not even i
believe close to the best version of myself and what what are my kids going to think of this
imperfect failure of a dad but also this idea that we're bad yeah and we need to work on ourselves
yeah is catholic yep original sin Can't get rid of it.
Yep.
What I've come to recently
that may help you is like,
I'm not going to die
and be like,
did it.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, it's never going to be solved.
Yeah.
So just like,
maybe arc toward better.
Right.
Again,
shout out to BetterHelp.
Love slash Neil. Do you have a slash Chrissy uh yeah uh you could put promo code chaos or promo code hey babe or yeah but or or neil or
neil whatever why don't you just put neil chaos hey babe see what happens we all get a cut we all
get a little taste that's that's interesting what you said though like it doesn't have to be
like i almost am like a perfectionist even though i don't think i am because it's like if things aren't perfect or if i didn't cross every
t and dot every i and check every box then i think i had a failed day which comes from catholic guilt
where it's not true like like give yourself a break you're doing better at least you're thinking
about trying to get better right no one's thinking about it right yeah you know what i mean like no
one's trying to get better people are not people aren't losing weight they're not getting in shape they're not
meditating nobody's doing fucking jack shit louis i heard louis say something louis ck the other day
say something where he said you know i guess it applies to comedy but it's life metaphor too where
he was like you know who cares if you sell 100 of the tickets or 80 of the tickets the bottom line is people are there and that should make you happy which is true that's
like not it's not a big deal yeah it's 20 difference in a check but who cares it's still
enough for you to live your life and you're still doing what you wanted to do yeah don't lose sight
of that and sometimes i do lose sight of that especially and i think when i'm alone is when i
lose sight of that the most when yeah you know when, when I'm just like, oh, man, you're really not doing good, Chris.
Like, this is not good.
And then rather than facing that, I still to this day just be like, let me do every situation I can be in where I'm always around people and never alone.
I got a mantra for you.
I don't know what your mantra is.
But in your TM, your Transcendental Meditation.
I'm not allowed to say. I know you're not allowed're not say legally yes um but it's it's promo code chaos
yes um is your mantra yeah somebody i know worked on grand theft auto okay and burt reynolds uh
it was the one where he did a bunch of voices okay and uh and it took days he had like 4 000
lines of dialogue or something yeah and it took
days of him just in a booth at one point they were like in the the engineers were like do you need
anything bert and he was like uh yeah just uh every once in a while uh give me an attaboy and
uh and they're like what what's that it goes you know just say uh every once in a while just give
me a attaboy bert and they were like okay yeah and then they just then, just say every once in a while, just give me a attaboy, Bert. And they were like, okay.
Yeah. And then they would just every once in a while be like, attaboy, Bert.
Your mantra.
You could do either one.
You could do attaboy, Bert.
You could do attaboy, Chrissy.
Okay.
You're doing great.
Just keep trying to get a little better.
You know the steering wheel is going to pull that in the direction better.
You're doing great. Great. Congratulations.'d it boy bert how'd it boy bert Bye.