Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Dan Soder

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

Neal Brennan interviews Dan Soder ('Son of a Gary,' 'The Standups' + more) about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 2:08 People Pleaser 24:43 Substance Guy 37:37 Fear of Failure 42:22 Fear of Death 53:37 Intimacy Issues 1:00:35 Anxiety 1:06:01 What He’s Done ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets to Neal's tour Brand New Neal Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- Sponsors: GameTime App Code: BLOCKS for $20 off your first purchase Babbel.com/BLOCKS for 55% off your subscription BetterHelp.com/NEAL for 10% off your first month Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Seth and Riley's Garage Hard Lemonade, a delicious classic with a vibrant taste of fresh lemons. The perfect balance of sweet and sour with a crisp, zesty edge. Welcome to The Garage, the place of refreshing hard lemonade. Available at the LCBO. Must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. I'm anxious. Hi, everyone. It's me neil brennan from blocks you're watching it i'm not telling you the premise anymore people come on they tell me their problems and we we everybody feels better about themselves because they have the same problems or worse my guest today is a four-time golden globe award winner i've known this guy i don't know 12 years

i think close to like 16 16 close to 16 years seller table yeah comedy seller table good guy funny guy he's here and he's dan soter hey i haven't seen you in five years we just discussed and it's odd and it doesn't feel like it but it is creepy when you haven't seen someone in five years you do see them and then you're fine yeah it's just checking back in yep you're like oh it's like it feels like finding an old shirt yeah but it feels like a weird time traveling thing yeah like i think everyone why am i fine it you just it's just time is everyone changed everyone changed what do you mean i think everyone um everyone shifted during uh these last couple years yeah we didn't see each other and then you see it and you're like how did you change you know and people are like oh i did this yeah some people got a lot more successful some people personally grew i think like i'm more of the latter i think

i had a lot more personal change what it well good thing good that you came to the right place yeah oh my god are you still with your girlfriend yeah we're engaged uh katie yeah katie nolan great we're you know she's. We're going to get married. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And you say that knowing full well how nauseating that is. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fucking kick rocks, dude.

You know, people don't like hearing me say that, and I know that. But it's been such a rewarding thing to finally find a person that you're like you can be yourself around because i think i've spent my whole life trying to uh be a people pleaser block it's gonna be a block number one guys that's a preview let's just do it yeah let's just get into it block it yeah block it but um it's like I got to during these years off, I think. Not years off, but like. Kind of. Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

Really? It really did feel like. It was all. I didn't do jack shit. I did a couple things over two years. And I really didn't. I hated my comedy before COVID. I put out the HBO special special which i loved and then

after that i like couldn't find a groove all the bits i was writing i was like what the fuck is this what was wrong with them they weren't funny i didn't think they were funny i didn't think they were me i didn't think they were like i thought i was being funnier on the bonfire i thought i was being funnier on podcasts i didn't think i was being like the stand-up i was doing was like that this is just it's not good enough and then everything shut down and i kind of had to like see who the fuck i was and then now i'm like back in love with stand-up who were you i was a guy that was trying to get everyone to like something that wasn't authentic i don't think i was like I think there was

a level of authenticity in what I was doing, but I don't think I, I think I was more worried about upsetting people and making them like me than I was doing what I wanted to do and what I thought was funny. And I think, um, all my favorite comics, uh, that I've grown up loving always are themselves in an authentic way, like through their sense of humor. Like this is what I find funny. And I didn't feel like I was doing that. I didn't feel like I was doing that at all.

What was the people pleaser? Was it in your life too? Oh, everywhere. I didn't want anyone to be mad at me. I didn't want anyone. I didn't want to. What it was is I was incapable of putting up boundaries, of being like, I can't do this because I need time for myself.

You weren't allowed. Yeah. Just with anything. I realized three weeks ago that my needs are great. Yeah. Literally three weeks ago. You know, I'm going through something that just happened today. I honestly, on the drive over here, I was like, what a perfect podcast to be doing as i go through this my grandmother is 96 years old and she is um she lives by herself

uh she she got coveted a couple months ago it's a weird thing when old people because my mom's 89 lives by herself and it's like a big it's like it's like having a toddler yeah it's like yes a nine-year-old what it is yeah is you're like, oh, can my, I don't need a babysitter. Or we have a babysitter for her. Yeah. You're like, so she has in-home care. I don't let her just go like raw dog. I'm not letting her just like live alone like it's fucking summer vacay. I have people that come in.

I have a service that helps her. Shout out to whoever created the term raw dog. Because it's the best. Because he's such a dirtbag. I mean, but he really nailed it. And I say he, because there's no best because he's such a dirtbag i mean but he really nailed it and i say he because there's no way a woman thought of it no no what or that is a grizzled woman i mean that's a real you go get tested yeah if she's like oh you're gonna give it to me raw dog you better have a dip in well she's like oh go get tested skin on skin baby

and you're like oh please you don't have children do you sweet lord of course i do yeah i don't talk to them but uh my grandmother's 96 and um my you know her my whole family that my dad's side's all dead so i'm the only one that is there i take care of her and that's her side yeah that's my dad's my dad's mom and so i've been like sending money and like taking care of her for 12 or 13 years she lives lives in this very remote shit town in Northern California. Very hard to get to. It's like three hours north of San Francisco. That was part of your condition for the money.

I'll send the money, but you got to live in a real shit town. But I need you to go to a real hard place to get to. You need to get away. A real sad place. A real Springsteen lyric of a town. And she fell yesterday and hit her head and needed stitches and then they sent her home and i was like don't send her home because i think we're in the process of now she's got to go to a facility and she hit her head they gave her two staples and then last night as

i'm going to bed just right just the idea of giving your grandmother staples. It's like stapling an old apple. Fucking dude. She's not a UFC fighter. She's not going to heal. She has no idea what's going on. Will you call her the old apple from now on? The old apple. Oh, the old apple fell. Well, then they brought her home from the hospital,

and her neighbor called me. She fell getting out of the car, and they think broke her hip. So now she's in the back. So she left almost like a like a bit yeah she like left and then came out like a chevy chase fall and then fell again and now she's in the hospital and it's just like i i called my mom you know and and i was just talking to her like i i just don't know what to do and she's like you can't do anything more but it's the that people pleaser thing you're like well i want to be the best grandson right and you're like well you're incapable

i can't do that there's no way to be the it's that competition's impossible it's a weird thing with my dad's family where my grandmother never really uh gives praise but then she will at the last moment she'll hit a buzzer beater. And she'll be like, I love you. You do a great job. And you're like, okay. But she'll let it go until you're like, there's no oxygen in the tank anymore.

And then she'll be like, I love you. Thank you for doing that. And you're like, all right. I almost just completely gave up. But you, you know, it almost, it's a manipulation technique. The thing you have to do now, if you put her, it's kind of a tough love thing. No, it's yeah it's a manipulation technique it's the thing you have to do now if you put her it's kind of a tough love thing no that's that's exactly it it was like kind of working up the thing to be like okay well now she doesn't have say she she like fell twice so now it's just

like well now there's evidence it's like you're arguing a court case against her yeah but she's not there completely and she's mad at you for what you're saying. Yeah. But it's a weird thing. I never would have guessed that old people wouldn't want to go to a, I mean, I guess it's obvious, but my mom didn't want to go to a retirement home because she didn't want to deal with the social aspect. And I was like,

you, I, she's the nice one of my parents. I was like, you don't want to deal with the social aspect. I thought I got all of this from him. Yeah. It turns out you're a monster also.

Yeah. And my grandmother, you know, it took, it took a while for me to grant, to really realize that my grandmother is, you know, everybody's a human and which means they have good and bad qualities. And my whole life it was like, oh, she's the cotton haired grandma. Uh, she's so sweet. And then you call her rotten apple. Go ahead. Yeah. and then now you realize

you're like oh she let my father abandon two families you know she like let him drink himself to death there was a lot of shit that she did where i was like yeah yeah starting to see the other side real quick and it's there is this feeling of like um release knowing i don't have to be perfect for her or like this this idea of like yeah i can tell her you're going to a home and that's okay that doesn't make me less of a grandson that doesn't make me less of a family member to be like we got to put you in a home i know you don't want to do it she doesn't fall get out of the car she bought herself three more months she stays home it really is it's a career-ending injury sweetheart i don't want to do it she doesn't fall getting out of the car she bought herself three more months she stays home it really is it's a career injury sweetheart i don't know you're out you're on ir yeah i gotta put you on the list we you we gotta see if the if you can get insurance for

your contract you can't even yeah we put you here she's alan houston and i was yeah dude and i was giving her like the derrick rose where i was like you blew one knee yeah let's fix it and then the other knee goes and you go, I can't. Yeah, like, come on. You know we can't do this. You can't give me a maxed out contract on this. Yeah.

Yep. So that happened last night. And so now it's just like this morning, I'm just dealing with that like call in the hospital to be like, how bad is it? Will you have to go wherever she is? No. I'll, I think the hospital will transport her to a

home but will you know what home oh i'll have to pay for it will you approve it or you'll just yeah i'll have to approve it i'll have to do all that i'll have to do like you're not gonna scout it though i'm not gonna scout it it's uh it's it's one of those things where it's like i can handle it um via satellite in a way zoom it yeah i'll zoom i'll give me a zoom tour oh okay and that's where but she's like 96 and the cognitive ability is just rapidly declining so it's like a sad thing where you're like we're at the end we're at the end but the part that makes me feel bad is there's a part of me that's like what are you holding on for granny yeah what are you holding on for go see your kids go see your ex-husband go to the light you know what i mean

like yeah you're not because i think that there's just a thing in human human beings that we have we want to stay alive but you're like like there's nothing there's nothing here for you yeah i see her once a year at Thanksgiving. She goes to bed at 5 PM, wakes up at 11 AM naps in between then there's really not a lot of like, she's not getting a lot done. You know, she doesn't want hearing aids. She's like very, she's an old Okie. She's from Oklahoma. So she's very like, I don't want to do any of that. I don't want to do any of that. And you're like do any of that and you're like you know hearing aid technology is actually pretty advanced and then she's like and then she'll turn around and be like when are you in san francisco and i'm like in november she's like i want to come to a show

and you're like you've never been to one of my shows yeah this is when you want to go when you're a old sack of organs and i gotta bring you down i took her to a 49ers game when she was like 87 right before they left candlestick park and it was it was a ordeal to get her to the stadium into the seats this is when she was like this was nine years my mom came to my show this year in philly i mean 89 is old yeah she had hurt her hip making her bed it's like that's where that's where she is do you remember when you were 11 and you would fall off a house yeah then you would be like i sprained my wrist yes and then now they're like a wind caused it's like that norm mcdonald joke where he talks about that bruise and he's like a large bruise big bruise

and it was caused by the wind the wind and you're like yeah that's it's crazy she um the thing that i resent about her is that i have tried my whole life to be like i'm gonna be at the punch line like when i started working san francisco 10 12 years ago hey i'm headlining come down I can have someone drive you down and you, we can get dinner and you can go back up. And she'd be like, nah, she never watched anything I ever did. I don't think she knew what I did, but I would send her money. And then now it's the end. And now she's like, well, now I want to see it.

Look, I watched your comedy central present. I didn't love it. I didn't love it. The joke you did about me, it could have had more tags. Okay. So the people pleasing game, what are you afraid? What were you afraid of? Rejection.

Just basic rejection. Yeah. I mean, my dad left and wasn't a part of my life. And I think what that does to a kid when your dad just splits is it's the ultimate rejection because you're half him. So you're like well what the fuck yeah you're rejecting your own product yeah you made me motherfucker and then now you're just gone you don't call when you do you're like ah sorry i forgot i forgot to call

and you're and so i think it just creates this you assume it's your fault always yeah and it's not i mean i know he died of alcoholism. I know the reason he left. He stole money from my mom. He did a bunch of fucked up shit. For a better son. He found a better son. Dude, I wish that.

I wish I would have met some kid who's like, hey, man, I'm Roger. I was like, a little better looking, a little taller, a little fitter. I was an all-star quarterback. Gary was there every day. I'm like, yeah, I get it. I go, I'm glad he did. I'm glad he found you but it was i think it was the form of rejection that uh and then my mom dated when i was a kid

and i think what that does is it's like oh i'm not enough for her even right like she's got to go find a new social life because there wasn't a moment where she was like we're cool i love you is it okay if i go date she was just kind of like hey this is bill he stays with us now and you're like hey buddy yeah i'm the i'm a child so i don't know what you are or who you are so it's like this weird feeling of like um nobody wants you yeah you're not good enough yeah i remember watching this documentary about Kurt Cobain and he like, his mom didn't want him to live with him. So she sent him to his dad's and his dad's like, I don't want you to live with me.

Yeah. Like live in the basement. And it just created this. And I was like, for the first time I was like, Oh, I, it wasn't that bad,

but I know that feeling. I know that feeling of like, yeah, no one wants you. And my, I know my mom loves me now that I'm an adult. We have a much better relationship. Was there any sense of freedom from it or was it you didn't want it?

It was constant anxiety of what did I do wrong? I did something wrong. Yeah. Because your parents are supposed to be there. I grew up in the suburbs and I'm around people where oh my dad is going to take me to soccer practice and then my mom is like gonna cook me cupcakes and we're gonna do it and like what and you're like oh yeah maybe you get molested i mean dude if i would have that would have to think had a much more focal point of like and this is where i'm like man i just want to uncover one

just fucking simple one button i got rejected by perverts. There was even a form of rejection of not getting molested. We're like, oh, man. But there was a thing of just this feeling of like, oh, I'm not good enough for anybody to stay in my life. And that's when my sister, my half-sister, came in my life and really was like hey you're cool man like you're a good kid you're a real good kid you're like funny you're nice would she bring up adults like the you know these adults are not great but just know that you're good that was the moment when i was 10 years old my sister because my mom knew how important it would be to have

my sister in my life and she was 12 years older so she came into my life and she was kind of like you fuck like dad and that whole family fuck them they're alcoholics they're they're wild they're just feral just fuck them keep them out of your life your mom and her boyfriend are nuts too don't listen to them how old was she at this point i was 10 she was 22 great so she was kind of coming in she was her own person yeah she was like you know. Great. So she was kind of coming in. She was her own person. Yeah. She was like, you know what I mean? Yeah. She was another, yeah, a young adult that was just kind of like, yeah, you're a good kid.

Don't worry about any of this. Just stay being you. What do you like? I was like, I like comic books and standup comedy. And she was like, let's watch standup comedy. What do you want to watch? Who do you want to watch? You know, got me into music.

Like, oh, you should listen to this band. This band's good. Got me into Metallica and like a bunch of other shit pearl jam and you're like oh this this rules great you're a really good person so that was that like kind of saved me i think from 10 to 16 did you ever turn up did it make you think of the adults in a different way it made me feel like i had a teammate yeah so it made me feel like could you call her oh i could call her whenever i'd go visit her i'd go stay with her and she lived in riverside so i'd go stay in riverside with her for like a week and we just like kick it and she'd be like uh south park was coming out and i was super into

it and she was like oh well let's go it was like video stores yeah she's like let's go rent videos like what you like mel brooks let's go watch mel brooks let's watch so it was a very like um she was very like what are your interests let's go to your interests and no one had ever asked before no everyone was like oh you're watching professional wrestling again or like my mom's boyfriend would be like the 49ers because i was the only connection i had with my dad was like through the 49ers so i was like oh so i finally had a person that was like hey what do you like let's let's do what you like we can do that yeah like tell me music you like so it was awesome it was like i think that

that i think saved me from it being a lot worse yeah you you need like a ally yeah or somebody that basically says like you're not crazy you know when my dad died when i was 14 she was there to kind of be like yeah we knew this was gonna was going to happen. Like, it's okay. What did you think when you heard? I saw it coming. He got sick. He had alcoholism. So I saw it like- Which man?

He had cirrhosis. He had Hep C that turned into cirrhosis. How does that, you just, they start feeling bad and looking back? Oh, well, like my grandmother- Who gets it and who doesn't? My grandmother called my mom and she's like, hey, Gary's terminal.

And my mom was like, oh shit. And so my mom sat me down and she's like, hey, Gary's terminal. And my mom was like, oh shit. And so my mom sat me down and she's like, listen, we have enough money. I can either send you out to see him one last time or you can go to his funeral. What do you want to do? And I was like, I'll go see him. And my sister had not talked to him since she was 16.

And she was 26 at the time. And she was like, I'll go out there with you. And she went and made peace with him and stayed by his side until he died. Was heetic did he hit a buzzer did he hit a buzzer beater i don't know i think he did with you no no no buzzer beater no dribbled out he rolled the ball so the clock ran out you know what i mean you're like come on pick up the ball dude you're like fucking clock run out yeah He heard the ball walk? Yeah.

He did the fucking thing off the top. And he just heard the buzzer. And you're like, fuck, there was the red around the hoop. So you're like, well, there ain't never going to. But yeah, that was the end of that. Stood on the scorer's table. Banged on his chest. Put his fucking jersey out.

It was brutal. But my sister being there to be like yeah we fucking we knew this was coming how demolished were you i was pissed so i was like dude we could have fucking fixed some stuff like would you have though i think i could have told him some shit i could have been like man what the fuck dude i loved you you were my guy because like i love my mom but my dad was like fun as fuck. Yeah. Well, he's an alcoholic.

Yeah. So when I would see him, it would be a blast every time. So I wanted it to be like, dude, you were so fun. You couldn't have dadded a little. You couldn't have given me one or two dad things. Do you think you would have said that? I think I would have said something like that. When was the last dad thing you guys did?

Oh, shit. I mean, when I saw him when I was 14, he was so sick he couldn't get off the couch. He was like dying on the couch. When I was 12, he was kind of like, my aunt sent me out there as a surprise. And he was like full alcoholic boat mode. He lived on a boat. Well, he lived near a lake. So it was lake people.

What is it with lakes and dirt bags? It's unbelievable. It is. It's like the ocean's too classy it is they're like ew changing tides i need stale water that's that's dead but i went out there and it was like an annoyance he was like yeah i got the kid what do you want you know and he was like i stayed with him and his girlfriend and her kids and it just was like for how long like two weeks and i was just like dude this i gotta say everything you've told me about your childhood i fucking hate yeah and i i don't i hate it because i'm mad yeah that's i think that was like another thing of mine it was like i was angry i was and i didn't but i was angry in the way of like

i wasn't i had a mom that she would tamper that down. She'd be like, don't you fucking get mad. She'd be like, I'd work my ass off to put you in school and give you clothes. Don't you fucking get mad. And you're like, I am mad though. Yeah, like a dog on the dog whisperer who's trying not to do the thing,

trying not to bite the chicken. And then I got into therapy and my therapist was like, yeah, you're allowed to be mad. You can acknowledge that anger and you actually have to let it go or it's gonna fucking kill you do you ever see the movie this boy's life too close to home you never watched it too close to home you knew inherently not started watching it and was like this is too fucking close he needed a father that's the one with uh de niro and decaprio decaprio's first lead and it's there's a moment in the movie that I still like De Caprio because of

where they basically are free. Yeah. And De Caprio does like sort of victory. I might have to watch it now. It's like in the last 15 minutes. Yeah. He just does a thing that's so what you do. Yeah.

When you get free. It's like shaking like a little kid yeah it feels i'm you know like the like as far as the freedom goes when i was finally able to like move out and stuff i was like oh i told chapelle to watch this was like and i was like it's real and he thought i was kidding when he watched it like what do you what is this yeah i was like no that's kind of how it went down. It's white angst. Yeah, this is what we're going for. This is where Papa Roach is from.

So much attention. There's not going to be any marches for what the white kids are going through. Just know that we have our own problem. Yeah, we have a form of suburban anxiety or just anger in a weird way. But it really like, yeah, when i was a kid i wasn't allowed to be myself a lot i had to be for my mom i had to be like a good soldier yeah right that was the feeling like be a good soldier yeah soldier through this be good and then i was like mad because i was like i felt rejected so i was being a good soldier but then i also felt like

well i'm not getting any of the benefits of like, good job, attaboy. I wasn't getting any of those. I'd get them occasionally for my sister. Yeah, but she has to like call. Yeah. Maybe on Sunday you'll get it. And then she got killed in a car accident when I was 16. And so I was just like, oh, substances.

Soda, come on. Yeah. Come on with this. What are you, what are you, come on, this is what do you what do you come on this is a family pocket yeah sorry guys she got killed when she was 16 i was 16 she was 28 she got killed in a car accident on interstate 10 i-10 yeah what good other and otherwise good interstate listen from new or from florida all the way to that's a straight shot pacific coast shot you want by the way goes across this great land of ours yeah and and and took your sister yeah and on an exit ramp uh two guys were having road rage and one guy went off the ramp and rear-ended her and killed her

so it was i mean it was over like that i need a rag to bite down on i'm so mad yeah it sucked for your for what happened it really was this on i'm so mad yeah it's so for your for what happened it really was this moment i was so mad when it happened but then it was like um you know when like everything's going wrong in a day and you just hit that point that you're like what the fuck is this yeah it was that i was like okay what are you what are you fucking thank god oxycontin wasn't invented until 1990 fucking seven would you are, are you a substance guy? Oh my God. Yeah.

I quit drinking 10 years ago, but I still smoke weed. And I've started to get a little better handle on that. But I was like, once Michelle got killed, I was like, oh, so I'm just going to get fucked up all day, every day. And that's just what I did. That became my personality. Smoking weed before school, smoking weed during school, smoking weed after school, drinking, and then mushrooms just

like everything just started getting fucked up as i was getting as fucked up as i could from 16 to 29 just like yeah we get fucked up all day oh i loved it loved it was good at it i mean i got the family history fun it was a blast talk to anybody that got used to get fucked up with me they're like i was i was a i was a real good time never got mad would always just be joking laughing it numbed everything yeah it's spending money is it expensive oh yeah taboos especially in new york when you moved to new york you know you're like oh i'd have bar tabs that were like i'd be by myself dropping 115 130 dollars just getting fucked up shots and beers start at what time whenever whatever would kick it off if someone's like yeah you want to

meet here and you're like yeah i'm gonna be a little late i'm gonna get beer next door and then i get a beer and be like well i don't even want this now we're in they were late yeah now we're in it and then it would just be like and i was good at it i was like really good at getting fucked up meaning you weren't i wouldn't get sloppy i wouldn't throw up i wouldn't get mad i wouldn't start fights i was just really good at same sense of humor same sense of humor joke around do voices i i would i would like my god i would it was so much fun this guy's the total package it was it was i would put on stand-up that i liked i would like find obscure sets from people like i would find like oh have you seen chapelle's second def

jam and like put it on or like i would find like uh dana like do you ever watch dana carvey's critics choice and like this bit right here hicks you know like i would find like uh dana like you ever watch dana carvey's critics choice and like this bit right here hicks you know like i would find random stuff because i loved stand i believe dave's second definitely was wearing a sweater i believe so his first one is the one with the pizza delivering pizzas in dc for dominoes and i still love that joke i used to deliver pizzas for dominoes now one of you motherfuckers is gonna tip me good bits in high school crazy he had a bit here's a bit he had in high school alf remember alf yeah it's a good thing alf didn't land in my neighborhood yeah because two weeks later you would have seen dudes wearing alf skin coats

that's so funny in high school i mean yeah that's like those jokes where you're like god damn you're like okay yeah you just wrote that as a child yeah like mean yeah that's like those jokes where you're like god damn you're like okay yeah you just wrote that as a child yeah like all right it's like stevie wonder when he wrote when he's 16 years old calls his album genius yeah i'm just gonna stop um yep yeah okay and i love i mean that's the thing i love about stan i think like uh you know stand up was the thing that i just loved and i was like oh i could just watch this and obsess about it well it's funny like what you were the thing that you were experiencing where you're like abandoning yourself you're getting abandoned therefore you think well i should

abandon myself but you're mad at yourself and them yeah and it's like a perfect way to write stand up yeah because you're like i suck but so right but like now i have a few things i'd like to say yeah before you fucking the the letter the message to the firing squad like yeah and i wrote i remember like when i did um my first conan i had some jokes about my mom dating it was five when my mom started dating. Some guy would come over, I'd be like, cool, a new roommate. Don't touch my stuff. And I called her, and I was like, hey, I do these jokes about you dating,

and I kind of make you look like a little bit of a whore. But it's funny. And I was like, I just want to let you know. And she was like, that's hilarious. She's like, hey, if I put you through it, like funny. And I was like, I just want to let you know. And she was like, that's hilarious. She's like, hey, if I put you through it, write jokes. She was like, without her being as supportive as she was, like once she, because once my sister died, my mom was like, what am I going to tell you?

She's like, you're an adult. Like you've, once I was 16, I was like smoking cigarettes at home. I'd get high in the garage like there was no like there was no like uh dan you know she was like i had a job it just became like a little adult yeah i would like help out around the house i'm picturing you wearing a name like a dance yeah sewn in dan i go hi i'm. I'm the son. What can I do for you? I'll mow the lawn. All right, well, that's a lot. That's a bunch of things.

Were you people pleasing so that people wouldn't die or abandon you? Yeah, people wouldn't leave. If I was nice to you, you wouldn't leave. If I gave you stuff, you wouldn't leave. Yeah. You know what I mean? So you were probably buying drinks all the time. All the time.

Yeah. Let me get a... Yeah, I'd buy weed. Do you want to fucking smoke? I got smoke. You'd buy weed. I'd buy what buy an eighth you know and be like yeah fucking let's roll would you give people like a to-go bag like oh you want a nug here you can go that was totally my personality when i was younger like oh yeah cool and you never thought i'm getting i'm playing myself not till i was older when that kicked in that kind of tapped into the anger so you're like what the fuck am i doing why the fuck and i started resenting that and then it was like

janice poppins was like you need to go to therapy the fact that you are not in therapy is a danger to people around you and then i started going to therapy and i was like oh you were snapping at people because you realize no one's making you people, please. Yeah, it was me. So I started. But then your brain tells you they're making you. Well, here's the thing. They're not making you. My mom tried to get me in therapy when I was young, when I was like 10, because I started

getting a little violent towards people. My mom was like, we should probably put him in therapy. Didn't work. Didn't take. Who told you which therapist said you could be angry? Different therapists? The one I have is an is an adult oh so you weren't angry no until you were 30 something mid-20s late 20s um but i remember going to therapy with this guy tom and i just was like yeah how are we gonna get through this so i can go home i was like 10 i want to go home and watch cartoons i don't want to talk to you you dork i'm gonna come to the office you got a

sweater vest on you fucking dork get out of my face it was like that kind of energy and then when my sister died i was entered into a trial to do actually you talked about this with josh homie the uh emdr emdr yeah at denver university they were trying it and i was a trial when i was 16 but i was super fucked up all yeah so it didn't work but they did the with the lights yeah they tried to like oh you processed a lot of trauma recently we're gonna try to we got fresh trauma we got fresh fresh catch but they didn't know that I was smoking a blunt in my car. Yeah. In the parking lot and then coming in and being like, man, Jeannie doesn't want to date me.

And they're like, what? We want to talk about your sister dying. I was like, nah, I don't want to talk about that. That is stupid. Yeah, we're not talking about that. She's gay. So yeah, stop being, you fucking lame. So it really became like when I was older, I finally got a therapist that was like, you

want to work on this stuff? And I was like, yeah yeah i think i need to and then it's been 12 years and i could tell you my life has improved 200 it's a lot yeah it's a lot it's like those are sales numbers 200 those are like 100 is complete that's how you get up you're going to two you're getting promotion yeah 200 year over year guys you shouldn't have to worry when you're buying tickets for your next big event. And Game Time is the fastest, easiest way to buy tickets to all sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you. With killer last-minute deals, all-in prices, views from your seat, and their best price guarantee, Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying tickets.

All right, let's go. Who do we got? We've got the Foo Fighters. Oh, that's next year. Yeah, get on that. That's next August. You should start waiting in line now. It's next August 9th. So with game time, you could just wait until that day.

So you have about a year on that show. And then you go on game time because they've last minute tickets. Lowest price guaranteed. Owl City. It's at the House of Blues here in LA or maybe Anaheim. Owl City has a hit. It was on my iPod. I'm an older gentleman.

I had an iPod. And we'd put music on there and it was, you couldn't believe it. At one point, I remember I had an MP3 player with a hundred songs and you couldn't tell me nothing. There's a band called Cradle of Filth. And they're playing tonight at the Belasco, where I shot blocks and three mics. Cradle of Filth, of course,

is something your grandfather would call your dirty bedroom, or your grandmother would call your mind. The Pretenders, Chrissy Hynde, I believe. She's here. We've got some comedy, Jim Jeffries, this Saturday at the somewhere, City National. Jim Jeffries, one of the greats. Jim Jeffries one of the one of the greats he's we've exchanged texts about him doing this podcast and it seems like it's a grudging yes

Chrissy D Chrissy uh DiStefano or DiStefano still don't know I think it's DiStefano he's going to be at the Brea Improv next weekend Game Time is the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase see the view from your seat before you buy so you know exactly what to expect when you arrive take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time download the game time app create an account and use code blo cks for 20 off your first purchase terms applies again create an account and redeem code blo cks for 20 off your first purchase. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets.

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listen to yourself through the ears of yourself you get to consider what you're doing you get to think about the kind of things your traps you're falling into emotionally and personally it's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries it empowers you to be the best version of yourself it isn't just for those who have experienced major trauma. Therapy is great. You know I think it's great. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Get a break from your thoughts with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% from your thoughts with better help visit betterhelp.com slash n-e-a-l to get 10 off your first month that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p.com slash n-e-a-l better help you have on here fear of failure that was stand up that was like i loved it so much that when i started stand-up i was like i cannot fail at this and i think that's failing at stand-up is a part of it like remember i was telling you i was doing jokes that i didn't think were yeah it was because i wasn't willing to fail

to do the stuff that i wanted to do like i would do something that i liked and it wouldn't work i won't touch that again yeah instead of wouldn't work well i won't i won't touch that again yeah instead of being like no no no yeah there is something here and then now that's kind of how i approach all my stand-up it's pretty embarrassing yeah because you're like this is funny and then well it's just embarrassing when you're like when you have portions that work and portions that don't and you don't know why they don't that's the hard part in it right but you don't know why you're like i was telling somebody you write a bit and it's got like six jokes in it and then three of them work and then

that becomes the joke yeah but you never forget about the six-bit version absolutely and you'll always be a little pissed that you couldn't get the six-bit version absolutely and you'll always be a little pissed that you couldn't get the six-bit version out to the people i uh i went and saw colin quinn run his hour and i was talking to him after and we were talking about when friends give you a line and then that line hits the hardest and then you're on stage and you're like i don't even want to do this line anymore this isn't my line yeah but they don't know they have no idea they have no idea but if you're the real ones start to think it's theirs yeah if you're a real g you just go oh this is my you just if you're really crazy enough you just get to the point

where you go i've got it i've got it no he kind of started and i finished it i've got two bits where like there's two bits that i still do that. Like one bit, Shane Gillis gave me a tag and it fucking murders. And one bit, Michelle Wolf gave me a tag and it murders. And every time I do those bits, I go, well,

that was Michelle. This isn't even me. That's not even me. That was Shane. Shane gave me that line. That line works because it's fucking Shane, you know? And you're like,

and I kind of revert back to that. Like I fucking suck. This, this isn't, you know, and then you're afraid of failing. So there's like this weird, like I've got to do this, but I'm also like, I can't fail at this. And then once I started accepting failure and being like, yeah, it's just, you fail. So what dude? Like, it's not the end of the world.

It's just panning for gold. Yeah. It's not, it's, it's just, there's just a high. It's cooking. Sometimes dishes are going to come out, not the end of the world. It's just panning for gold. Yeah, exactly. It's not, it's just, there's just a high. It's cooking. Attrition rate. Sometimes dishes are going to come out not the way. Yeah. Because the oven was a little too hot or something.

And you're like, you just let it go. Yeah. Cook the next thing. No. I know. It's like, imagine going to the plate of a restaurant if you're the chef. And you're like, I can do this better. And they're like, I just want to eat it.

I don't care. And you're like, oh, I can fix it. Well, yeah. And then you're like i can do this better and they're like i just want to eat it i don't care and you're like oh i can fix it well yeah and then you're annoying yeah but the fear of failure i think is a good north star i mean i don't i think like you there should be when people aren't competitive in stand-up or i'm like good luck i think um stand-up in a way is like athletics for people who aren't athletic. Cause you're like, oh, this gives me the feeling of how competition must feel for top athletes. Where you're like, oh, I gotta refine.

I've gotta like bring in different stuff. You know, when you hear about like LeBron doing different training exercises to stay on top of his game, you're like, comics need to do that. We need to like, need to go read something you've never read or go. I remember Burr one time in an interview was like put yourself in uncomfortable situations

because your sense of humor will react to that and you're like oh yeah that makes real sense an uncomfortable situation you'll be like you'll be like why am i doing this and then you're like that could be a bit and so it like helps you along being like uh uncomfortable and failing yeah i don't i think there's nothing wrong with a fear of failure i think it's like it's the thing that i am almost over and i'm glad more even more than people pleasing is like i'm happy i'm coming to the end of my fear of failure it's just a big part of it yeah but like it'll always be there but it won't be a driving force it'll be the thing that's like subtly in the background like i'll always be there but it won't be a driving force it'll be the thing

that's like subtly in the background like i realize it's there but i think for a long time it was like the main thing of like don't fail just go out and kill and pander if you have to yeah and then you're done and you feel gross you're like i didn't need to well just nothing happened yeah yeah you're like but if you take a chance on something you believe in and it fails it's a little more organic of a failure where you're like all right well yeah well yeah it's all the same hole that's what i always say it's like it's all the same hole like the good idea and the bad idea came out of the same hole like i'm not gonna condemn the hole yeah it's a beautiful little little fucking late with labia fear of death i mean that's why why do you think it was just like man there was this thing of um my mind goes to like fear of death in a way that i didn't even

realize until katie one time was like are you thinking about dying you get you like see my face and be like are you thinking about death and i'd be like yeah yeah i have like a pain right here and i think it's cancer and i'm probably gonna die and she was like what's up dude so you're just gonna live your whole life and then at the end be like oh i died and the whole time i was worried about dying and you're like oh yeah what do you think's gonna happen i'm not gonna i'm not die i think like i'm afraid i'm not gonna be able to do i'm not gonna get to the point where i wanted to get as a person that's what i'm afraid of like I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do, I'm not going to get to the point where I wanted to get as a person. That's what I'm afraid of. Like I'm not going to get to how I felt with my dad when he died like oh I can't get a chance to correct that I can't get a chance to do it better I can't get a chance to make it more than it was you know I I will imbibe some plant medicine from time to time yeah and i don't like to talk about it but uh uh but i had the

thought yesterday i did maybe let's say i did some stuff yeah where i had the thought like i think maybe the point of life like the mission is to love yourself yeah like that's maybe the mission i really think there's a lot of like like what's the point of life and it's like enjoy yourself yes and being okay with yourself and i that's why i'm afraid because i'm close to it and i'm a i'm close to like the the wisest thing i've ever heard anybody say was i did opiate anthony with mike tyson and he was on there and um you know it's mike mike tyson he's like been through so much yeah we were talking about people booing i was like oh when you're doing stand-up and one or two people are just giving you nothing and you're like the whole room's laughing why aren't you laughing and mike tyson

was like i feel that way when i walk to the ring a couple people are booing me and i'm like why are you booing me you don't know me and then mike tyson was like it's a bad neighborhood up here and you're all by yourself and you're like yeah so you're trying to clean up that neighborhood to enjoy where you know to be by yourself and it is like you're trying to enjoy yourself in this world and i and i asked my therapist i'm like are there people that do that and he's like yeah most most people are okay with themselves and you're like fuck really is that true I just don't I don't when he said it I didn't believe him because I was like you're telling me there's all these people walking around just going like I'm pretty fucking great I don't think there's a lot of people he made he made me feel like it was like what percentage do you think it is if you

want my dead honest opinion what percentage of people are walking around thinking they're okay okay that's that's how i would that would be the top end to me the way i was gonna say 15 yeah i would say around there 15 to 20 the way i see the internet people getting angry about stuff the way that like they're so everyone's so easily divisible now by by hitting certain things and like how good people are at marketing uh anger and all that shit to get you to like i think it makes me think 20 yeah because they can hit that like because you can't uh appeal to people that are okay with themselves yeah the problem with people that are okay with themselves is that they're they're impervious to marketing you know who are okay with themselves. The problem with people that are okay with themselves is that they're impervious to marketing.

You know who is okay with themselves in the world? You know those friends of yours that were funnier than comics you knew but they never got into standup? Those are the people I think of. That they're like, yeah, I don't. My buddy who's like super funny but he's just an electrician, he's like, yeah, I don't need to go do that. I'm okay with, I know I'm funny. Wait, you think you're enough yeah that's it we're walking around thinking

you're enough so you're just okay with everything you say you don't need people applauding and what yeah and to me that's like a superpower you don't wake up every day down 10 points yeah you don't enter every conversation every every morning is a halftime down fucking two touchdowns. That's not your experience, sir? But the more I'm okay with myself, the more I enjoy all the stuff that I do. And so it's like, it feels like I'm going down the right path sometimes when you're like,

oh, I really, like I'm starting to do stuff that's, some people don't understand, but then I'm like, oh, but it makes me feel good. What kind of stuff? Leaving the bonfire was a weird one uh because i loved doing that radio show series xm still on monday monday through thursday on faction talk 103 uh 5 to 7 p.m eastern but it was a it was a thing that i built that i loved that i felt like oh i want to go do other stuff

but the people pleaser in me was like well you can't leave this you built this this is a family you can't leave and then i was like but i i want to i want you know i want to go just do stand-up i want to write cartoons i want to like write stuff there was just a bunch of stuff that i wanted to do and it was like letting down jay who's one of my closest friends it was like letting down the crew who's one of my closest friends. It was like letting down the crew, which I had worked with closely for eight years. And so it was like, it was confronting that people pleasing, that like there can be people that aren't happy,

including my friend Jay, and including my friends that work on the show. They're not going to be happy. And that was really fucking hard. It took me, you you know i was having panic attacks about it i was having like losing sleep talking about it in therapy and then finally i said it to jay and i was like sometimes you just have to trust that your friends love you and jay was like yeah dude if you want to leave you've always said that he's like you've always said

you didn't want to do this forever so that's fine and it was weird having that having like a friend be like i see you and you're okay and you're like so all that was for nothing and then that helped me on the next thing be like i'm probably having all this anxiety for nothing we're just flying past everyone else's windshield yeah it's this thing we think people are trying to like run us over we're like central in everyone's mind yeah we're not we're barely in the periphery the best analogy i heard was gary goldman said do you remember in school when you would go to the wrong classroom and you'd open the door and there'd be a class in there and you'd be like oh sorry and you'd shut the door and you'd be mortified yeah and you'd be walking down the hall and you'd be like, oh, sorry, and you'd shut the door and you'd be mortified. Yeah. And you'd be walking down the hall and you'd be like,

that whole classroom is thinking about me. No one was thinking about you. Yeah. The door opened, they shut, and they were like, all right, back to War of 1812. They didn't think about you. When I heard that analogy, I was like, that makes so much sense in my head

because I'm always like, that classroom hates me. Everyone in that classroom is mad at me for opening that door. They don't give a shit. Yeah, the assumption that they're like, I can't believe you went to the wrong classroom i would never do that yeah yeah and you're a very understandable thing oh fuck oh fuck so that just is like all that stuff the more and more i work on the more i'm like oh they don't care no one cares and what do you so the death thing what do you think is going to happen to your spirit and soul when you die if you believe in such a thing i mean i'm agnostic i believe that um i believe that humans don't know i think we're all this is such a complicated thing

and our brains are so simple that I think it's just like that that's comforting that I'm like I don't know but we'll find out yeah you know I don't uh I don't think that I know I don't think I'm like well you go to heaven and it's a nice bright place it's Beverly Hills yeah and it's clouds shrubs yeah everyone's nice it's clouds. Shrubs. Yeah. Nice shrubs. Everyone's nice. It's just, I think, you know, I think you return to a collective consciousness that you're kind of like, I was a piece of, you know, I was fractured and now I'm whole. That's what I hope. I think that's what I hope. And what do you, and what's the, so when you fear, so the fear of death is not just feeling like you get an incomplete.

You know what my fear of death is? My fear of leaving the people behind because I got left behind. Okay. So I feel there's a clip of Keanu Reeves saying that, I think on Colbert, where he was like, all I know about death is that. I know that the ones who love us will miss us. And I was like, damn, that is, you know, that is pretty fucking accurate.

I think I'm like, I don't want to leave people behind because I'm a people pleaser. So it ties into the fear of death of like, I don't want you to be sad if I'm gone. You know, I won't know. I'll be a big orb of light. I'll return to the... But meanwhile, you won't give your grandmother that?

You're like, get the fuck out of here. Go to the light. Get the fuck. Get the fuck. Are you doing? Well, for her, well,

for her, you know, it brings up the resentment and the anger I had of like, well, where were you taking care of me when I was a kid? Where were you telling? Why don't you tell my dad to call me? Why don't you tell my dad to pay a little child support?

Why don't you tell my dad to fucking get his shit together? Well, it's funny. Don't you wish that we could get the revenge satisfied or like the passive aggressive the positive revenge i don't know what you're saying like the positive revenge points like yeah hey granted do you see what i'm doing yes yeah that's crazy do you see that like it's crazy you're saying that because i don't think i've ever been able to put my feelings into words like that but positive revenge is the exact fucking feeling i have with her when i go like you don't know what i do i'm really good at what i do and i'm fucking taking

care of you with what i do with none of our other family members stepped up no i stepped the fuck up my aunt her daughter was dying of cancer and she was like you gotta take care of grandma and i was like and for 15 years i've taken care of her and that was the conversation i had with my mom today where she was like dan you gotta let go you can't take care of her enough but it was like i wanted that positive revenge yeah i wanted that like hey remember when your fucking kid bailed out on his family well guess who's not doing that guess who's going above and beyond that and then i still don't right and it's still and she's never gonna go she's never gonna hit the buzzer beater of like it would be sick though it would be sick as far as she was like you

fucking rock that shit and i'm like i love you nana and you won't give it to yourself that's the problem is like when we do the positive revenge missions, the fantasy, we don't ever go, you know what? You squared that circle and you're a good person. You just get like this motherfuckers. I just continue to feel sorry for myself.

Yeah. In fact, feel more sorry for yourself because now, because now you're a double victim thing and yeah. And you're not even getting the like attaboy. Yeah. In fact, feel more sorry for yourself. Because now. Because now you're a double victim. I did the right thing. And you're not even getting the like, attaboy. Yeah. You're getting like the, and I did this. And you still fucking didn't do that. But it is, it's a thing that like, yeah, positive revenge.

Intimacy issues. Yeah, man. I was afraid of letting people in for a very long time. What does that mean? What does that look like? i'll let you in there's a there's a sec there's a there's a vip section you can't get into sorry we're not letting people backstage no i get it so sorry you don't have to see in the right wristband you don't have the right wristband sorry you don't have the credentials yep i can truly say and i know this is corny katie's the first person i've let in katie's the first person that i've ever been with i think truly friend or anybody family member that i've been like come and take

a look inside and she went in she went jesus christ you're right it's because this place falling apart and you're like i don't don't yeah it's fine it's fine it runs i gotta sleep back in the corner but like letting her in was like it i mean i feel so bad for everyone i dated before that but it wasn't right and i think maybe in my mind i subconsciously i picked that person knowing like well they'll only get this far they won't have and it's entirely possible you weren't getting into every ep either no and and this was like the first person i've let in that i was like like you know key in the door like you sure you want what made you let her in being together during covet being together during covet and her us having arguments and us having disagreements were finally she was like what is it why are you

not letting me in and then finally you're like all right here it is and then once i let her in there wasn't this like this was like oh yeah i love you what were you arguing about that she would be like what's the real issue distant you seem like you can like like she'd be like i'm talking to you but then it feels like you just are like, not you. And I'm like, yeah, because I don't want to do that. And she'd be like, why? And I'd be like- You'd be talking about something emotional? Yeah. We'd be like, I would do something where she'd be like, that seems so out of character for you to do that. Like, were you not thinking? And I was like, no, I was thinking, you know, and I just, I wouldn't admit that it was like, well, it's hard for me to do this. Admitting a fault.

I'm scared. I don't want you to. If I let you in, I'm going to worry you're going to die all the time. It's relating back to the fear of death. If I let you in, the people I loved when I was younger. You're a black widow. Let's be honest. You're a jinx.

You're a jinx. That's what I worried. I mean, you worry about it completely. I think that's what my sister's death did it was like oh cool so because she was she was like kind of the only other person i've ever really like been like oh come on in because when i did let her in it was all it was all positive and she was like oh you're a good kid everything's going all right and then she died and i was like well if you let someone in that room they die yeah and so it was like well i don't want i can't lose you i cherish you too much and then she died and i was like well if you let someone in that room they die yeah and so it

was like well i don't want i can't lose you i cherish you too much and then she finally she's like you gotta let me in and then i let her in and i was like oh okay this is i'm still but i'm still like don't you fucking die and i still worry about you ever wear a helmet a couple days a week right dude i bubble boy her like you gotta get in this bubble you can't I mean, that's like, I didn't know I had intimacy problems. Well, the funny thing is when you're like, you let her in and it's like, what's the dilapidation? The dilapidation is just, you just had a rough time. It wasn't your fault. Like life wasn't very kind.

So, but the idea that you're like, oh, not gonna it's like what you didn't do anything people didn't murder it's like a mix of people pleasing and all that stuff you're like yeah you almost feel like you're burdening them like i felt like i was burdening her like hey i know i got all this shit from when i was a kid and like all these issues sorry you know and she's like yeah dude i love you this is what love is like i'll help you clean up yeah it's like cleaning up after a party yeah that she wasn't at you're like this place got trashed but it's not even it's just hat it's just emotional habits it's not what is she cleaning up i don't know i don't that's how it felt it felt like there's a bunch of shit and she's like i don't think there is i think you're

all right and that kind of made me realize like haven't you realized the older you've gotten like everyone has their package and you just that's some that some are bigger than others but that's kind of they're not like the ones you think like oh you have a small uh grief package and then you realize like no it's just as big as mine yeah i you know that was always the thing where like uh my therapist was like yeah you had a tough childhood and i was like no i didn't they're doing a new grief package drop on grand theft auto dude i love it it's a dlc yeah yeah it's a dead it's a dead dad drop yeah yeah get it right now playstation store it uh it really does feel like uh you see other people's problems and you're like i wouldn't want that yeah you're like yeah i wouldn't fuck with that at all and then people are like well i wouldn't fuck with yours and you're like, so that's how we're all,

we all have our own things where you're like. Yeah, it's just yours aren't mine, but I don't think mine are especially bad or mine are. You know, I talked to Vecchione about that all the time. He had a very military, like a militant father. And I was like, that would. You couldn't tell by his haircut, go ahead. But I was like, that would break me.

And he's like, see, that would break me just having a single mom and all these random guys coming in. And was like oh that was fine though like i was do you get used to it you get used to it and he's like oh i got used to my dad i love it and i'm like oh yeah so it was just like kind of comparing and contrasting you realize like as you get older you're like oh everyone's got their own shit everyone's carrying around their own shit and a lot of times when you talk to someone about their shit they warm up like that's a organic version of people pleasing is being like well what's your shit i'll talk to you about your shit and they're like thanks yeah and there's this moment of like

oh okay and you're like i can see this is helping you talk about your shit yeah like the shame around it i just think is i hope it ends mean, that I think is absolutely our parents' generation. Yeah. Of being like, stuff it down. Shut the fuck up. You know what it is? They didn't, I think we have too much individualism now. Yeah.

They didn't have any. They were like, you're part of this. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. You're part of it. Don't make waves. Don't make waves. Don't call it.

Don't tell yourself. And ours is like, your waves yourself your waves are my waves are amazing i am a ocean and you're like no you're not you're awake so everything i think and feel is incredible and unique we over we over corrected from our parents generation hopefully there's nothing worse than just being annoying yeah but i also think like all of the conspirituality shit yeah is directly tied to that like i have my own thoughts about vaccines and i have my own because i have i read one thing and i heard a podcast and now i anything anything there's no if i like it it's true like our soldiers now are like um war gives me anxiety yeah and they're like yeah

that's what it does yeah that's what you're a soldier but even like comedians being like the audience is being mean it's like well no they're just not saying something funny yeah so just you know yes um anxiety i mean dude i didn't realize how anxious i was until i started dating katie are you like a foot popper i'm kind of like uh i i shut down and i try to like like she'll she gave me the example of when we're out in public i try to make sure that she's okay everyone's okay and she's like hey enjoy yourself we're at a ball game we're at a concert like you don't have to you can just go you can just be a part of it but i'll be like and then i can't talk like she can hear my breathing we'll play video games sometimes

and we'll both be on a headset and she'll hear my breathing and she'll be like dude relax because i'll be like it's like i don't even know i'm being anxious i just like go into this stage where i'm like what kind of game like rocket league, something ridiculous, something where we're literally playing to relax and I'm getting anxious because I want to do well. Cause it's again, it's the people pleasing.

It's the fucking all this, like adding up. I didn't realize that it was making me so anxious. Also I'm a pothead. So I thought I was like, cool. Potheads are the most anxious people by and large on the planet. I've been really discovering that in the last like two months.

I remember years ago I dated this girl and she was like, you know, you act like a pothead like you're all – she's like, I've never seen someone that flips out as much as you do. And you're like, yeah, I do. And then Katie one time was like – Well well because you couch it as like you're fucking harsh in my mellow man it's like no i'm not you're constantly on edge you're constantly shaking a little bit even after you've smoked weed yeah and now even more so yeah because it went it went sideways there but i had never had she was the first person in my life that put the word anxiety

on it where she was like you know how anxious you are and i was like babe i'm a chill ass stoner and she's like no you're a fucking wreck and then i started being like i am and then she noticed it and now what are you gonna do you can't smoke it weed ain't gonna help well now it's even better just like learning how to relax naturally and be like, you know, I meditate now. There's just like a lot of stuff that I do where I'm like, oh, that. Yeah. I'm a big old puss.

Big old do my breaths in the morning kind of puss. But I didn't notice it with my standup until she noticed it. I did. Shane Gill uh did like five sold-out shows at caroline's and he was like dude do you guess it like it'd be awesome just come in and drop in and i'd be like i'd fucking love to this saw you know it's cool it's my friend's show it's all sold out no stakes for me i'm just a surprise guest and i went up there and i was fucking around i'm just having a great time legitimately having fun and then i went into my

bits and i was doing it like this and i but in my head i'm like oh it's time to do the bits now i gotta really now i'm gonna kill you know now i'm gonna go into it and the jokes weren't as working as well as i was when i was like making fun of people and just fucking around and i got off stage and katie was like why'd you get so anxious and i was like what do you mean i did my bits and she was like dude you were killing and then you went into like hopped up did you ever go to here i went to here and then i did this and i was like oh that was pure anxiety pure anxiety of like i have to do well because in my head i'm like shane's fans are like this guy sucks yeah and i'm like no but i was oh yeah and so it's that anxiety of like i'm like robotic almost and so now i, you know. And so it's that anxiety of like,

like robotic almost. And so now I'm aware of that every time I'm on stage. I'm like, hey dude, this isn't a big deal. This is fun. Like relax, chill out. You don't have to do well. You can do okay. And if you have fun,

watching comedians that have fun on stage made me realize how much I'm not having fun on stage. Like Chappelle, you watch Chappelle on stage and you're like oh man never seen him yeah but just the way he flows the way he's like oh this is all so much fun I see that with like Sean Patton I see that with Ali Sadiq like Ali Sadiq I just watch him and I'm like this is such a guy that's just like ollie sadiq i just watch him and i'm like this is such a guy that's just in it he's just present he's in it and he's having fun same with shane yeah and i watch him and i'm like nate i'm like damn you guys are all just having a blast and i'm up there like this yeah you know i'm just like yeah fucking get out of me well it's hard if you have to. I not like I have memorization issues, but like I want to remember my bits are good. Yeah.

And I like doing them. Yeah. And I like when they work and I can do crowd work. That's funny. And it's I just don't see it as more valuable than my bits. But I know what you mean. But I always used to watch Patrice and big j and they do this thing where it's all one thing like i'll watch big j and he'll like talk to somebody but then he goes

into like a long bit and you're like that was so fucking cool that was so cool to watch because i kind of knew what was the pre-planned stuff yeah but how you got there organic it just looked so smooth yeah and i love that and i realized that i was like are you guys having a good night good dating is very difficult with apps and you're like what the fuck dude just relax yeah but that was that's all tied to the anxiety that's all tied to like i'm anxious like i need to like and i it's a people pleasing feel a fear of failure well okay so tell me what you've done to uh improve all these things i don't smoke weed before i go on stage i remind myself that this is so much fucking but i'm talking about in life not just this not just anxiety like uh similarly i kind of am like dude i look around and i'm like i remember being a waiter i remember

working at bed bath and beyond i remember working at all these places where i was like dude if i could just do stand-up as a job that would be the shit and now i get to so why is there any anxiety why is there like i dana gould had this speech in 2014 at just for laughs and it's um you can find it someone wrote it out and i'm going back and i read it and it's very helpful because he basically gives the point of like hey if you're doing comedy you made it yeah this is such a hard job to be able to do for a living that if you can do it for a living it's there now anything else is just extra that thing that you want you're actually doing it right now like up or down or whatever if you get to be a comedian you got to do it bigger than that what's so therapy helped you yeah therapy meditating being able to be okay with stone dmdr

16 year old stone md mdr swatted that shit i want to try that again might want to try that again but i really feel like um being okay with who i am and just being like you're not going to be this ideal version of yourself you're but be okay with who you are faults and all it's like it's like you know when you have a car that kind of sucked before you had money you had a car that kind of sucked but it ran yeah and you knew what sucked about it like the timing belt slips a little bit but it's fine that's kind of how you treat yourself just like oh yeah sometimes this it doesn't go the fastest but it gets me there and I kind of know where everything is. I kind of can get in the driver's seat and futz around. What's the upside of all of your problems?

Cause I always focus on the downside. I'm like, there's a lot of upside to all of my issues. I think it's giving me perspective. I think it gives me perspective that my empathy is, I have an ability to be empathetic on a level that I'm like, well I hate me what do you know like I hate myself so if you hate yourself we can I can I can kind of tell you well what do you don't like about yourself because I like a lot of stuff because I like most people yeah like individuals when I meet individuals I can always find something where I'm

like oh that's fun that's like a cool thing that you do. And so I think I have the ability to empathize with people on a level where I'm like, um, I think I'm a sweet person. I think I'm, I think my mom's very sweet. I think I'm very, I think I'm very lucky to have had that. And I think it influenced me to be sweeter and more empathetic towards people. Like I can say all this shit about my grandmother, but the fact of the matter that matters is i love her very much and i want her to be safe and comfortable because i love her she's my grandmother but i can't ignore all the other stuff that happened and that helps me like myself better is being like you can be mad at her you can even get a little terse with her you can get a little tense and be like hey i'm gonna put you in a home but it's because i love you it doesn't have to be this like you're gonna listen to me because i'm fucking sick of it it's that we have that revenge voice where you're like i have the power

now but in reality you're like hey what helps me is being like i love you and i'm scared so help me help you so i can love you cleaner so when you do pass on i can feel at peace about it and be like i really helped and i loved you and i hope wherever you go after this life you're okay yeah like as much as it's revenge it's also like there's a right thing to do i like i like doing the right thing to do the right thing yeah for me doing the right thing i wish i gave myself more credit for it yeah that's in my soul but that's exactly it because it's like i i like doing the right thing it feels good and i need to embrace that more of being like i did what i thought was right and i'm at peace with that that that brings me a little form of justice of being like i i i did i did what i

thought was good it's and sometimes it'll be wrong but if i'm if i'm trying by going by my gut i think i'll be all right yeah it's a better it's like goodness for its own sake i want to have fun this is a cool i have a cool life incredible incredibly lucky i've been incredibly lucky i've been incredibly lucky for a lot of reasons but uh i like enjoying that and like you know i was telling burt kreischer i just did his podcast i was telling burt one of the things i like but one of the things is like i see him enjoy his life and i'm like that's cool yeah like that's cool to like turn around and be like it's fucking and i have those moments yeah i'm like dude i'm staying at a nice hotel in la yeah i get to go i mean you know before the cameras were rolling dude you know how obsessed with you and chapelle i was

when i was 20 when i found out you guys got chapelle show i was the guy that was like my favorite band is about to be the biggest band in the world because I already knew about Half Baked. Yeah. And I was a diehard Chappelle fan. And I was like, you guys don't know. And then it blew up. And then I became a hipster. And I was like, yeah, you guys are yelling Rick James.

But I was there. Just so you know. Yeah. I remember his HBO half hour one night stand when he opened with the Alcatraz bit. You probably don't even know that song. And then the one time I met Chappelle, I was still drinking. And I just like avalanched him with all these old bits

that he hadn't done on a special. And he was like, man, you really know my act. You know, in a way of being like, I'm being creepy. I had to pull back. Remember that? Yeah.

Do you remember when you originally did what white people eat and you said stovetop was a crack for white people because it divides our families? He's like, and he would be like, I don't remember ever saying that. And then I'm like, uh-huh. But it is like, man, it's cool. Like this is- Yeah, I agree.

This is so fucking- I agree. Like not, I don't, I agree. I agree. It's just like, cool. Yeah. It's like, you know especially in this business of this business a lot of times can turn into a comparison yeah where you're watching other

people but i've in the last since i saw you last have really learned to genuinely be happy for my friends yeah in a way that's like fuck yeah nate you selling out arenas awesome shane is on his way to be in the next louis like there's there's so much stuff where i'm like fuck yeah dude go go like norman and morrell and all my friends that are doing well i'm like fucking go dude this is awesome yeah who should yeah it's like yeah them yeah they're all great you're watching your friends and you're like go dude yeah this is great go win yeah and then it makes your wins feel better because you're like hey we're all this is all for its own sake it's again you're doing you you want to be supportive for its own sake but you also want you hope it's reciprocated you hope it is yeah when you expect it is when

shit gets sour is when you're like i expect you to do that but when when it comes through naturally like a like a natural sweetener and like a fruit or something like that was very enjoyable and healthy dan soda everybody goodbye Everybody wants to have it, wants to have it real, my man All you have to do is open, open up your hand, my man