Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Fortune Feimster

Episode Date: August 3, 2023

Neal Brennan interviews Fortune Feimster ('Fubar,' 'Good Fortune,' 'Sweet & Salty' + much more) about the things that make her feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how she is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 9:35 Boundaries + People Pleasing 28:04 Overachiever 39:40 Eating 46:54 Listening 55:18 Going into certain cities as a gay woman 1:02:38 What She’s Done 1:08:43 Movie Question  ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets to Neal's tour Brand New Neal Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- Sponsors: GameTime App Code: BLOCKS for $20 off your first purchase Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With Uber Reserve, you can book your Uber ride in advance. 90 days in advance. Perfect for all you forward thinkers and planning gurus. Reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. Uber Reserve. See Uber app for details. Hi, my name is Neil Brennan. Did I catch off guard, Fortune? I didn't. You?

No, you didn't. You were yawning, I think. No, I wasn't. By the way, Fortune? I didn't. No, you didn't. You were yawning, I think. No, I wasn't. By the way, you can yawn here. Look, I just want people to be themselves. It's me, Neil Brennan. This is the Blocks Podcast where we talk about things that make people feel like they're alone in the world, like they're isolated, there's something wrong with them. And we talk about it and we get it out in the open and people feel better.

And from what I understand, the earth heals. My guest today is a five-time Grammy nominee. What? I just like... You I've known for, I'm going to go seven years, maybe more. Maybe more, but not well. Yeah, not well. I would go to the store

obviously yeah I'd see you at the store yeah but we didn't know each other yeah and would hear about you heard you were funny

saw you you were funny and more than funny you're so fucking pleasing and

charismatic oh thank you. And like you go down real smooth. That's nice. Just as I watch your special sometimes, I'm like, fuck, dude, just be like her. Just be like her a little bit. Enough with the heavy and the,

just be nice and fun. Yeah. And your proof that somebody defined charm as not do I like this person? It's would this person like me? And you seem like you like

pretty much everybody. I like most people. Yeah. Not everybody, but most people. I like more people than I seem like I like. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Right. Like I have a gruff exterior. Yeah, you seem like you would be kind of annoyed by certain people or not impressed by certain people. But I am. I'm a people person. I am impressed, Fortune.

Here's what they don't tell you. I'm very impressed. I'm happy to have you on. Thank you. I also feel like you just earned every step of your success. Oh, that I appreciate. I mean, I have worked my butt off for sure.

Yeah, but and you like wrote for Chelsea, right? You were a writer and a panelist on Chelsea Lately. Like anyone, if you write for a show, if you, that's almost like a, it's not an internship, but there's something about it. Like if someone writes, Jessel Nick will never do anything more impressive to me than writing for Fallon for two years.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, cause I, it's, it's a weird, like indentured servant. You're like Santa's helper. Kind of behind the scenes. You're behind the scenes. You have to learn somebody else's voice. You have to, you work a system, you have have pressure you yeah and you figure it out and you

like so you did that and then you started getting you started getting on the show then you started getting cast on in stuff yeah and how long when did you start comedy well i moved to la 20 years ago uh i know i don't look that old no no, no, no. 20 years ago. What were you? Four? Four. And, you know, didn't really know what I wanted to do. Kind of came out here for a life experience. Oh, you didn't know? No, I didn't come to

be a comedian. I had never... I had done plays in college, but I wasn't very good at it. Here's a funny, rude question. Did you come out here to be gay? That's a pretty great question. I moved out to LA to be gay. I was in the closet.

Oh, I was in the closet. Not knowing my, my question stand. I know it does stand, but I did it. I wasn't seeking myself either. I didn't even like know to be questioning that at the time.

Got it. It was just kind of a non-thing. I knew something was different. I knew I didn't connect with men. Did you come out to be different? Do you think that was part of it? I think it really was. I was coming out. I did that typical

PA stuff at first. This is how I can live in LA and sort of be around the entertainment industry. But I don't know what part of the entertainment industry is for me. It just seems cool. You just knew you were drawn to what seemed like an easy job. Yes, exactly. Well, that seems easy. But I wasn't questioning my sexuality at the time.

It was more of just like... Were other people? I'm sure. I'm sure they were. It just wasn't a thing that was talked about as much back then. And so I moved out here

and did that. And then my first two years here, I had a really hard time making friends. I'm from a small town where everybody knows each other. You're from Georgia? North Carolina.

North Carolina, got it. And I started taking groundlings classes to just make friends as a hobby. And I started taking Groundlings classes to just make friends as a hobby. And that's where they were like, oh, you should keep doing this. And so, I guess technically that comedy started in 2005.

And then... Like the classic Groundlings? The classes, yeah. But I simultaneously started my own improv and sketch group because i was like well you were gonna put brown links out of business well well the school is so popular right and they only had so many classes in one stage we never got to perform like how how am i gonna get better yeah i don't put this into practice so i started my own group and we

played in bars around town um and at one of those shows, someone was like, you should do stand-up. And so 2007 was technically when I started trying stand-up. Because you kept stepping to the front of the stage. I was grabbing a mic. And doing monologues. I don't know what they saw.

And so in 2007, you started doing stand-up. Yeah. Yeah. And started a store. Once I hear someone started their own sketch group and was doing it in bars,

you just go, all right, well, I'm not going to resent this person very much. That's good. Do you know what I mean? I feel the same way. When someone works so hard and they get success, you're like, good for them. God bless. Sebastian, you want to go ahead and do arenas?

Do it. Knock yourself out. You deserve it. And it just, am I wrong? So that's 07 you started doing, Sandom. you want to go ahead and do arenas? Do it. Knock yourself out. You deserve it. Yeah. And it just, am I wrong about, so that's 07 you started doing standup. You're writing for Chelsea 11?

11. Yeah. So I started, so once I found standup, the trajectory started fairly quickly. I took a standup class first. At the end of the class, you did a show in the belly room. I don't know if you remember Adam Barnhart.

He had to show up in the belly room. So I, so after the class, you did a show in the belly room. I don't know if you remember Adam Barnhart. He had a show up in the belly room. So after the class was done, he was like, if you do the music for my show, just press play. I'll give you 10 minutes. So I got, as a brand new comic, 10 minutes in the belly room every Sunday night for a year. So I just kept writing, writing, writing, performing. And then people at the store started noticing me.

Brett Ertz started, you know, putting my name in front of Tommy to be like, let her showcase. Started yelling your name. God damn right I did. Yeah. In front of Tommy.

Yep. And then by 2009, I think that's when Mitzi saw my tape and didn't do the like paid regular thing, but the Friday night regular thing. Great. You know what I mean? Yeah, I was kind of in that. Yeah. Like I didn't get passed till 2013 maybe?

Yeah. 20, well, I went there in 07, maybe 2011, 2012. Yeah, that's wild. I didn't get, I auditioned for Mitzi, it didn't go well. Yeah. And then Pauly passed me. Oh, interesting. Yeah, that's wild. I didn't get, I auditioned for Mitzi, it didn't go well. Yeah. And then Pauly passed me. Oh, interesting. Or whatever.

Yeah. Okay, so. So 2010, they made me a paid regular. And then that's, and then a few months after that, I did Last Comic Standing. Oh, I forgot about that.

Yeah. So that was my first TV gig, 2010. How long did you last on Last Comic Standing? Four episodes, semifinals. Great. But honestly... Who won your year? Felipe Esparza.

It was between him and... Tommy Johnigan. Great. Great. You know, really funny college comic. Can't argue with either. Yeah. There was a lot of good comics my season.

But I got out at the perfect time because I was two and a half years into stand-up. Yeah't argue with you. Yeah. It was, it was, there was a lot of good comics my season, but I got out at the perfect time because I was two and a half years in the standup. Yeah. It's probably too early. I kept going. I'm like, I got no more. Yeah. Yeah. That's no more. That'll do it for me. Anyone who says they're funnier than me is probably

right. So I'm going to go. That's when you just bow to the audience. Like this has been fun. It was great to meet you. I'm going to go. That's when you just bow to the audience. Like, this has been fun. It was great to meet you. I'm going to give, you'll give me a year. I'm going to go right. I'm going to write another 12 minutes. Yeah.

So the standup trajectory was fast. So like I'm two and a half years in standup, two last comics standing. I'm now headlining. I didn't get to open for anyone. I didn't get to tour with anyone to see like how it works. So it was like good and bad. It was like,

I got that off, you know, off and running quick, but in some ways there's not much you can, I mean, I guess, but I did, I was flailing.

I was like doing these 45 minute headliner shows. Like, what am I doing? I was like talking to the audience, taking Q and a, whatever it took to fill 45 minutes. Yeah am I doing? I was like talking to the audience, taking Q&A. Whatever it took to fill 45 minutes. Yeah. I mean, I've heard worse. Yeah. You know, like

I don't... Yeah. I don't... I wouldn't... And you also... But you look back and you're like, eh, this is not a bad show. Yeah. Let's talk blocks very quickly. Do you mind? Do you mind if we talk some of your blocks? We all have blocks. Sure. That's what we come here to talk about. Okay. So your first block, which I can relate to, and I'm not surprised to hear,

you say, I have a problem with boundaries, how to say no, And you have guilt about things because you want to please people. Yep. Talk to us. Well, that's, you seem like you want to please people. Yeah. Yeah. I have that thing. And I guess, you know, that is not a surprise.

That's when I got into comedy. I want to make people happy. Right. I want people to feel good. That started at a very young age, you know, like seeing my mom go through the divorce with my dad. Kind of want to make her happy, make sure she's okay. So I think it started back then. How'd she take it?

The divorce? Yeah. Not good. Not well. No. It was a very dramatic, traumatic situation. I know your mother from the ghost joke you're telling right now. Yeah.

She sounds naturally dramatic or no? Yeah, she's like a character is the best way to describe her. Where she's a little over the top. Yeah, so I guess dramatic. Like southern gothic. Yeah. Oh my. My heavens.

Yeah, she's kind of like that, but she would never think of herself like that. So yeah, I mean, yeah, I think I saw that developed early on. I'm herself like that so yeah i mean yeah i think i so that developed early on i'm just like where'd your dad go they just divorced and he just kind of who knows where he went oh he just was like he's he was in my life but around the time of the divorce he kind of went wherever he went i don't know we still don't know still don't know great um and then like you know a show would show up like on a Saturday and be like, you want

me to go to the belly room? Blockbuster video. Great. And you're like, cool. And it was simple, a simple. I'm not asking any questions. Exactly. Where she was like kind of picking up all the pieces.

Oh, you're the only, you're their only child. I was, I'm one of three, but my oldest brother, they got divorced. And then my, my oldest brother, who's like a father figure as well, went to college two weeks later. So he split. And it was me and my brother who just turned 16. So he got his license. So he was like, peace out.

And you're how old? I was 12. Okay. So I was there with my mom just being like, don't cry. Yeah. like I was there with my mom just being like don't cry you know and yeah and I think that

it's kind of started there of like I just want everything to be okay somebody said all comedians and I think there's it's probably 70% true all comedians have sad moms oh interesting I think there's something yeah no it's like the I heard it somewhere pretty credible

I like a comedian but but it's it checks like the... I heard it somewhere pretty credible. I like your comedian, but it checks out pretty well. I mean, she did a lot of, you know, growth over the years where she's not that type of person. I mean, she still has her moments of being dramatic for sure, but she got out of her funk eventually,

but it was definitely one of those life-changing... Did you actually help her? Do you think? I joke in my stand-up set right now, I kind of became her husband during that time where I was just sort of expected to take care of her.

I was expected to kind of make sure she was okay, set her alarm clock every night. Yeah, I was like her plus one. Set her alarm clock? I Set her alarm clock every night. Like, yeah, I was like her plus one. Set her alarm clock. I set her alarm clock. She couldn't figure it out? I said, I mean, and this is, my wife would argue my enabling, you know, where I'm not just demanding.

Being like, no, you need to learn to set your own alarm. I was like, I've got to set my own alarm clock. She couldn't figure it out. She wouldn't there's a difference okay great and you couldn't tell you were no you she was the authority so you had to do i just did it yeah so annoyed i would do it annoying you know in an annoyed way i wasn't like oh i'm gonna go set my mom's alarm i'd be like mom yeah. Yeah, stupid. Yeah. But looking back, I go, oh, that kind of exactly describes that relationship. Yeah.

Just like she wants, she needs this. I'm going to fix it for her. And so that was our dynamic for a while. So, yeah. But that would go back to where i don't have boundaries you know like or i didn't have boundaries as far as like had a hard time saying no had a hard time being like no this is you know not my responsibility just like i'll just do it because it's easier to do it then it is easier but did you at what point did you realize I'm drowning in other people's needs or in other people's like...

Probably not until I moved to LA. It was a while. And was it a relationship or was it like where you would do stuff and go like, why am I doing this? Well, definitely being with my... I've been with my now wife for eight years. A female friend of mine recently said and agreed. Let me know if this is true because you're an authority. Lesbians have good boundaries.

Not everybody. Not all. Right. But would you say 70%? My wife does, for sure. Can we go 70%? I think they're a little bit more in touch with that stuff. So, yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. That's pretty accurate. I'm not in that stat. I definitely was bad at it. My wife will say I've gotten a lot better since we've been together. But she's usually and people will be like thinking

Jax is the tough one or whatever because she has boundaries. My mom hates that Jax has boundaries like that. So she is like a rep for being like mean and tough? Not mean, but just more matter of fact. Jax is very black and white. There's no gray. Was she a cop or am I imagining that?

Her ex was a cop. Okay. A couple of exes were cops. All right. But she just has a very clear sense of like, yes, no. That's okay. That's not okay. And I live in the gray. Like, mate, what does it hurt this one time?

Are you a don't give answers? You go, we'll see. Knowing you're not gonna do it. Yeah. Probably. I'll try to work that out. But sometimes I do work it out or do it

every once in a while I have a hard time telling people no people write me all the time to do shows around town and I'll have like a thousand things going on sometimes I just had to stop responding because it was depleting me because I was giving

so much to these responses. I would be like a paragraph of why I can't do this show. Yeah. I have, you had the experience with Jax has boundaries and you understand when she sets one, you can, you're okay.

Oh yeah. I mean, yeah, she, but you don't believe you don't have faith that other people are okay. Or is it just, you want to be liked too badly? I don't want to make people feel bad.

And I don't think it's a matter of like what they'll think of me. I'm not like worried. Like all suddenly they won't like me. It's more of just like, I'm so sorry. I can't do that thing for you that you really want from me. Yeah. No, of course it does. But you also know

your level of desire for things is, yeah. If it happens, it happens. I want that. But if I can't, if they're out of ice cream, I'll get the cookie or whatever. Like, you just have... Assuming that everyone is at a 10,

I think it's a mistake. I've made the same mistake where it's like, and also assuming that anyone's thinking about you as much as you think. That would be the other thing. No one's like sweating it as much. Yeah. But it's hard to believe. You almost don't want to believe like,

I'm just some person. I'm just some name on a list that they're going down. You almost don't want to believe like, I'm just some person. I'm just some name on a list that they're going down. And I think I've gotten better with saying no over the last few years in particular because I just got so busy. Yeah. I just could not do it. So it wasn't even a choice of like, do I want to do this? There's not enough hours in the day.

So no's had to start coming. Was there a bottom? There's not enough hours in the day. So no's had to start coming. Was there a bottom? I think more just like exhaustion of like, I can't do a thousand things. And I have that desire to do a bunch of stuff, constantly working, constantly just say yes to things. A fear that things would go away or that my career is only going to last a certain amount of time.

You know, that stuff's all fear-based. But yeah, so I'm trying to work on boundaries and I'm glad I'm making some strides, but definitely have not mastered that one. I would also, it's funny, as you were saying careers are like, it'll end. I was going to make a joke about it. Yes, God knows careers never end.

Like they end. Yeah, they end. And they slow down or whatever. They have hills and valleys, right? Like, you know. I will say you're on a pretty nice trajectory. I appreciate it. And I don't say that't say I say that objectively

I say that objectively like you just it seems like the venues get bigger and the more shows and the it seems to be trending in the right direction yeah so from the outside and it seems like positive it's very positive yeah for sure yeah but i still i think always operate from a place of like well if and when this goes away what's your fear about why i think that at some point you know people just will move on i'll have another comic i really like or another actor i'm really into it is funny because because they can only really like four of us. Yeah, right? Honestly, I'm very aware of that. Yeah.

You ever do the thing of people who bought your tickets also looked at... It's like on the bottom of Ticketmaster. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. It's just like they also looked at it. And you're like, yeah. That makes sense. I got it.

Look, if you go to a comedy show once four times a year that's kind of a lot you would be like you'd be the kind of person who brings up comedy all the time

and then also there's a difference between I want to watch you for an hour in my house or I want to go I want to take a shower drive park

pay pay pay pay yeah yeah or a goddamn Q&A, fortune, I'm kidding.

That's right. But no. Now I'm material. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, but now it, you're, but you are right that it is, yeah, maybe they move on.

But what would you, what do you think you would do? I think that's why I do so many different things. Yeah. Like, so should acting or stand up fall,

you know, by the wayside a little bit. I have writing. I can lean back on. Yeah. Radio. I don't know. You know,

different. I don't know what the avenue would be. I'm young. What's radio? I'm a young person. I don't know what you're talking about. A podcast. Oh.

Now it's just a two minute TikTok. You can fall back on your TikTok. I will fall back on my TikToks. You never lose that muscle. Okay. But that's just me operating from that scarcity, fear-based, you know, which could lead back to all the things I discussed from the beginning. That, you know, those childhood traumas, dramas. Yes.

Yeah. Some of it's paranoia some of it's a little real you know i mean like some of it's like i need to have a certain i want to make a certain like yeah there i need to certain amount of calories to keep the body going i need a certain amount of busy i need a certain amount of work. It is finite. And I don't know what the right balance is. Yeah. But being all in is, I mean, I, I, I, people's careers do slow down. Yeah, for sure. And that's okay.

Yeah. It's not the end of the world. And I do see that too. You know, it's not the end of the world. It's not the end. I'll be all, they'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. Yeah. You're like, your identity isn the end of the world. It's not the end. I'll be all. They'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. Yeah.

Like your identity isn't tied to. Exactly. And that's why I'm really grateful that I did meet my wife because there was a time where I thought, well, maybe I won't get to have the relationship and the career. I've got to have one. So it's nice to know, even though she would argue that I put so much focus on the career, I don't want to make my relationship fall by the wayside. I am grateful that I have her so that my career isn't everything. Does she mention that you can be a little focused on the career? Yeah, for sure. But she also knows that. That has been brought up.

I mean, yeah, for sure. And I've tried to be better about being like, well, let's take a vacation. Where would you like to go? I don't want this to be about my job and where I have to go do a show. I mean, look, if there happens to be a comedy club there. I know. If I can pay for a trip. Who would I? I'd be a fool not to. Right?. If, you know, if I can pay for a trip. Who would I, I'd be a fool not to.

Right? Come on. It's the long haul out here. But she's also like super supportive and knows how much I love what I do. Yeah. And it comes from a place of, I'm doing it because I love it.

Yeah. I think about that. It's, I've never, I don't think I've ever complained to somebody I was dating that they were too focused on the thing they were into. Yeah.

Yeah. Because she's never like, oh, you need to stop. It's never like you should stop caring so much or doing so much. It's more of just like. Did you have to make time like no work Sunday, phones off? Oh, I haven't done that. But you never know. You should. I should. Before it's too late. All right. So you haven't done that. But you never know. You should.

I should. Before it's too late. All right. So you haven't had to do anything. You haven't had to take drastic measures. Yet. A couple.

Yeah. But you never know. I always wonder like are you pretty good at I guess you are good at into it. You are empathetic.

Mm-hmm. Because I'm not good at it. Oh, really? And I wonder is your wife more empathetic than you are? Probably. I'm way more empathetic. Because I'm not good at it. Oh, really? And I wonder, is your wife more empathetic than you are? Probably. I'm way more empathetic than my wife because I'm a cancer. It's kind of part of, that's that like hippy, dippy,

dippy stuff. She is probably more thoughtful than me. Like, she thinks about, like, if I talked about really liking something like two months later she will go get that thing you know like where i'm like a little out to lunch on things like that i'm always like i don't know what you like so interesting um so yeah but it's

but if like i'm so used to gendering things that same-sex relationships are interesting to me because it's like so how do you guys figure it out yeah because with a man and woman it's just like you be a stereotype i'll be a stereotype we'll figure it out you're gonna be miserable yeah we'll figure it out oh no so i'm wondering i know i do worry sometimes that i'm too much like a dude if you're going to the gender role. Well, that's what's funny though. That's what's funny to me is like, are you, you are empathetic,

you are people-pleasing. Mm-hmm. That's a stereotypically feminine Mm-hmm. all that stuff. But then totally out to lunch with certain things.

Yeah. And forgetful and she's more thoughtful and more, it was like. And that could be feminine or... Yeah, it's just...

I don't know how you guys do it. You can't put us in a box. It's so wild. I want to so badly. Get on your... Can I put you on a float? Sure. I'd love to put you on a float.

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I'm literally in love with you. I'm an overachiever, so I can be very hard on myself if something is not great and I try to be good at way too many things. Keeps me from being great at some stuff. Which ties into everything we're talking about, right? I'm doing all these things because I'm trying to accomplish a lot. The overachiever thing, I think, goes back to

the early days. Again, around that same time, I was trying to please people and make my mom happy because there was a lot of chaos in our house. I think I started to put a lot of my attention at school. School is my safe haven

where I could breathe. It's not chaos here. There was so much going on around me at home that I think I tried to accomplish everything and be good at everything. Cause that was like the one place where you control it. And you were directly rewarded for it. Exactly. Yeah.

Like in a very, like you get the number one ribbon. Yep. And so that started a long time ago. I know. I think perfectionism is a bigger issue for women than men. I think guys are more just like that. I can get that and whatever, but, but real, especially in school. Well, this is a question I always wonder if I had to hire a staff of just to do a nebulous thing. Would I rather hire women or men? And I always wonder like, because women are good about beating themselves up. They are.

If I had a nickel for every time a female comic got off stage, I don't know. It was okay. And then every time you see a dude off stage and went, I don't know. Uh-huh. It was okay. Uh-huh. And then every time you see a dude having a meet, not every dude, but like a, my fantasy of what

it's like to be a guy is you just wake up in the morning and your eyes open and you're like, I'm awesome. Mediocre set. Fuck.

They're like, I crush. Yeah. Did you see that? Did you see the audience? And every woman who just crushed, not every woman,

but you know, this woman had a great set, a girl had a great set, and they're like, ugh. Yeah. I don't know. They didn't laugh at that one thing.

Uh-huh. And I go, it mystifies me. And I'm guilty of it too. My wife's always, she's always like, do you see any guy in this room doing that after they're set? She goes, she's like, stop.

I'll go into the green room and be like, it was okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing because it is like the upside of femininity. The upside of femininity is like soft power. You're socially more adept. Yeah. I love the phrase soft power

soft power that's what women have men have hard power like I'm fucking moving whereas women are like maybe we should discuss let everyone be heard let's build a consensus

yeah but the downside is you're open to be whereas guys are like testosterone doesn't even yeah

somebody told me that they just, they knew someone who's doing hormone there. They're transitioning from woman to man. And the more testosterone they take, they can't believe how little empathy they have now. Whoa, really? Like this is palpable how much less empathy I have

than I had months ago. Oh, interesting. All right. Here's devil's advocate. Okay. You're probably better from beating yourself Interesting. Yeah. All right. Here's devil's advocate. Okay. You're probably better from beating yourself up. Yeah. You think so? Yeah. Because you're forced to kind of like, you better. Yeah. You have a standard. You have dysmorphia about reality that makes you better. Yeah. And you don't want to do a shitty show. You just don't want to do a shitty show. You just don't want to do a shitty show. Yeah.

Like, so. Yeah. So I guess it's all of these things in the proper serving size. I think I'm probably better at stand-up than I would be if I weren't so hard on myself because I force myself to keep going on the road, keep doing this thing,

keep working on this joke. And so it makes me dig into stuff a bit more. I guess my part of like I try to be good at everything. It's like I'm doing stand up. I'm doing acting. I'm doing a radio show. I'm doing this. I'm like, does doing so much of one thing keep me from being like I'm a good stand up? Does it keep me from being a great standup?

Does like, you know, a standup keep me from being a better actor? Does it, or does it all just like, it just is what it is. And you know, I think it's just like,

it was God's fortune. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. My shirt. And then I didn't, wasn't present.

And then people were just like, oh, I like her. Yeah. And I think the older I get, I think I'm conceding to just like, I'm doing the best I can. Yeah.

The overachiever thing, I still want to be good at stuff for sure. I never want to put out mediocre stuff. Not that I haven't. We all do, you know, but I'm less hard on myself

about it than I used to be. But I have definitely had the overachiever syndrome, whatever you call it, since like seventh grade. Yeah. But I, someone one time that I was working with was like, Brennan's a perfectionist. And it was like, uh-huh. And every once in a while it's perfect yeah

you know what I mean like yeah yes and if you if and again like you

occasionally it's very every few years or once a decade or something but like I don't think it's the worst

I think it's a good aspiration to have as long as you're not making yourself miserable. Right. And you're a little bit dysmorphic. Yeah. But not insane where you don't acknowledge a quality that you have or a skill you have.

Or where like, can't sleep at night because my head's spinning. Yeah, like this is not true. Yeah. Like it's not true. Why? This wouldn't have happened. Yeah. If like no one's that susceptible to like, what do you think?

Letterman was on here and he was saying how like he his wife has to like cheer him up with his achievement. It's like, how many Emmys did you win? Right. You want a fucking Kennedy Center honor. Like, you want to Mark Twain? Like, so you tricked. You're the greatest con man of all time. For that to be true, you'd have to be the guy from Catch Me If You Can. Yeah.

But with an audience who's reacting normally. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the thing of not making it so you're uh-huh where it's just not reality yeah and i definitely like i i would say i i say to people i'm always shocked that i do have self-esteem you know what i mean because there's so many things trying to chip away at that for all of us that every every body has these like things trying to make them feel less than,

uh, from the internet, from, I literally just had the thought in the bathroom. I am not the comments. I am not the worst. Yeah. Said about me.

Yeah. I thought that 25 minutes ago as an adult, as an adult, can you imagine being a kid having that influence? And so I'm grateful that I have any self-esteem. There's a lot of things stacked up against me to not have it. As we were talking, I had the thought that we end up being, we are stuck with ourselves.

It's good and bad news. So you end up being like, yeah, it's a hovel. It's a shithole, but it's my shithole. Yeah, right. Like that's who we are to ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, but come on. You're a good guy.

Yeah. Because we're just, we're stuck with ourselves. Yeah, and I kind of, of course, there are things about me. I wish we're different. Of course, I wish there were things about me I need to be better at and whatnot. I'm not a perfect person. No one is, but at the end of the day, I'm like, I gotta like myself. I got to, you know, like that's the only thing I think I've got to like get through those, you know, if you see those comments like that, or people telling you you're a piece of crap or whatever, or the nose that you get in the business, I fall back on the like, okay, I like myself.

Thank God, you know, and that it was instilled in me, I think, you know, from a young age with my grandmother. She just, what did she say it explicitly? Yeah, I mean, she just had that unconditional love, you know, like that. And she died when I was young. But when there was like all the chaos around,

she was like that North Star, like, oh, I have her, I'm good. And she just was like, love me, had, you know, no notes.

And not to say I don't want that. I say that all the time in relationships. Like, no notes. I don't give them. I really don't give them. It's like it either is going to work or it isn't. And I'm not, I don't think you're entitled to tell me how to be

other than if I'm encroaching on your time or your physical space, whatever, like, yes. I kind of owe my any self-confidence to her. She just gave me that rock, that thing I needed to like sort of hang on to. And she did it by loving you. She didn't do it by saying, and you should love yourself. She just demonstrated loving you. And you were like, well, she's nice.

Yeah. Maybe I'm worth loving. Exactly. Just that. Yeah. That's great. Are you like her? Do you remind you people of her?

She was more thoughtful. I mean, everyone is at this point. I mean, I knew her from an older age where she had softened a lot. My mom told me she was a little bit more hard. Like growing up, not as demonstrative and didn't really say I love you and affectionate, but it was such that way with me, but wasn't with my mom and her brothers. Did not say I love you, did not hug, but like with me and my brothers, as a grandmother.

How she was with her brothers. Right. That doesn't concern me. But she was like cutting roses from her garden and taking them to the bank, tell her the librarian, the secretaries at the school. She was always saying, everyone loved her.

When she died, so many people in town came to her funeral because she touched so many people and had a light about her. And I would like to think I have a positivity that I share with people in that way. You do. You really do. I brought you here to tell you.

Oh, thank you. You got it. I don't give people roses, but I give them jokes. You give me eye roses. I give you eye roses. Energetic roses. You are a rose. I swear to you. You are that. I actually used to say it about Felipe Esparza

and you're in the same boat which is it's a different boat but I used to say if you cut to Felipe in a movie he gets a laugh Felipe

literally cut to him you're gonna get a laugh cut to you you're gonna get kindness Harold you know that's my

grandmother's name you're gonna get feeling of people will be like, she seems nice. Yeah. So good for you. Thank you.

So I can't wait until someone cuts to you. Oh, no. That's a kind face. Eating. Oh, God. That's like the bane of my existence.

Tell me about it. Yeah, I put that as a block because, you know, I'm not going to skirt around it. Clearly, that as a block because you know I'm not going to skirt around it clearly that's an issue I have I'm a big you don't

I will say this you don't seem the wrong way oh well do you know what I mean like you don't I don't think you can't see me as a little any many

I don't think that's what you're supposed to be I don't know I don't know what's your family's body like? Oh, I come from big folk. My parents are both big. I have one brother that's pretty

fit. He and his family are very healthy, health conscious. Kind of thick fit? Yeah. No one in my family is like a beanpole for sure. We're just a big... But I think certain people have just your frame or whatever. That's just what

the cells are going to do. I think for me, food is how I celebrate. It's how I express sadness. I make sad cakes. I have sad cakes. A cake says I'm sad and I say...

I just rely on it too much. It's too... I think about it too much. Like food makes me so happy. I wake up, what is it for breakfast? I wish it weren't such a part of my... And do you think about nutrition? No.

I wish I didn't think about nutrition. The only way to wake up and go, what's for breakfast is if you don't, is if syrup is involved. Right. And the only way syrup can be involved is if it's, you don't care about it. Yeah. Well,

but again, I keep going back to my wife, but we're so, you know, in a mesh with each other at this point, eight years in, she thinks about nutrition. She's the health person and her family's very healthy.

Her mom's very healthy. So she's had to, and she'll say to me like, I can't believe that you don't know these basics, nutritional things, ABC. You still can't believe that rice

becomes sugar. Exactly. I mean, I'm like, what are you talking about? What are they talking about? Bread is not sugar. Bread's bread.

But I come from North Carolina. Not that there aren't healthy people in North Carolina, but we love food in the South. Everything's fried, you know, sweet tea, like sugars and everything. So it just wasn't a part of any conversation. I don't remember salads when I was a child. You didn't know salads existed until you moved out here. I didn't know they existed unless they were on the buffet at

a cheap steakhouse that you piled on your plate with cheese, Thousand Island, croutons, ranch, and that's before you eat like six other things. That's how I knew of a salad. Not like, here's the one

healthy thing you're going to eat and that's your meal. Of course, I'm to the age now where I understand things more. I'm not an idiot. You understand intellectually, but you don't really understand. But things are ingrained in you. You have these habits. And so I'm better about it. And my wife and I will go through times where I'll be way more dialed in and I'll lose weight and feel good. But boy, do I get off that train so fast. Oh, well, I was picturing you sneaking. Oh, yeah, I've done that for sure. She gives you no choice.

I say, you'll never. I say, you don't have to worry that I'm like off doing something I'm not supposed to do. I have no desire. But will I probably go through a drive-thru and not tell you? Yeah. Yeah. You know. You got to be okay with it.

Yeah. That's when you think about the road. Yeah. Yeah. She'll be like, I know you sneak snacks. And she's not like my, you know. You're like, stop looking at my phone. Stop looking at my geolocation on my Google.

You're so paranoid but her whole thing is obviously she wants me to be healthy so I can live longer yeah and that's fair

that is a fair point and I reeled it in when I not to you I know I reeled it in when I was about to film

this crazy action series called Food Bar now streaming on Netflix starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. They cut to her. That was on me. And it's kindness

and fun because I've watched the trailer. Oh, nice. But I reeled it in for that. So I can do it. I just get lazy. How'd you reel it in? I started, well, I knew I was going to be in action scenes with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You're like running and diving and stuff? Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's very physical. I'm army crawling across the floor, running. I knew that we would be shooting like 12 to 15 hour days. So I started doing the, I called a friend who coach, she used to train me back in the day and she doesn't do it now, but she,

I would go to her house like two or three times a week and do sort of CrossFit type workouts. I did that solid for two months. I just tried to eat less. Yeah. Cause I'm never going to be the person that's like no sweets for me. You know what I mean? But I can be like i'll eat

less you have sweets every day i do right now which is why i've put on weight again i don't know that you put on weight well i because i'm i know you know i'm always a version of chubby you know you just look like yourself yeah so i know that i've put on weight but um yeah i i no one's paying attention enough to me to know, to be like, oh, her face is bigger than it usually is or whatever. I carry a measuring tape.

I should use it. I should put it together. But that will, I think that will be a block for me my whole life. And you've just, I think saying it's going to be a block for me,

it doesn't let you off the hook, but it makes it like, look, I'm not going to, I'm never going to solve this because that's the problem with a food, not like it's an addiction. No, I would not going to, I'm never going to solve this because that's the problem with a food. Not like it's an addiction. No, I would say it's probably an addiction.

It's you have to eat. Yeah. So it's just a matter of like, I need to come to some sort of understanding about this because I, yeah, you're going to have to eat. Yeah. Five times a day, five meals a day. I'm kidding. But yeah.

So yeah, I am kind of copping out on it a little bit. No, I don't think you're copping out. I'm always going to be a big girl, you know. I'm giving you an out too by saying that you are supposed to be this shape. Just remember that if you're at your lowest. It doesn't make me funnier. It doesn't make you less funny. You know, there's something to be said.

I'll say that. Like, it doesn't make you less funny. But here, I do at least have enough sense to know this. I don't do drugs, like, ever, ever, ever. I've never done hard drugs or tried hard drugs. I've had some weed, of course. Weed's not even really my thing. I drink.

I like it old-fashioned. I have, like, one or two drinks a week. I know I at least have enough sense to know I can't be a drug person and a food person. So I'm sticking with my one advice and not dipping into the other one. So is that maybe that's positive. Does Jax have any shortcomings? I'm sure. I mean, who doesn't?

She'll come on. No, but I'm wondering, you know, we're taking it out on you and I want to get Jax over there. Get her in this? Yeah, get her over the cold. This is funny. Listening. Yeah. What's the problem?

I think because I'm trying to juggle so many things at a time that I have a problem with a little bit of ADD. Or I have a little ADD. So there's that as well. But sometimes someone will be talking and I'm thinking about the three other things I've got to do instead of just being present. And not with everybody. Some friends might be like,

oh, you're a great listener. But I've been really bad lately about my ADD taking over and letting my brain go to wherever it goes and not being present. Where does it mostly go? Because Fred Armstead was here when we were talking about where our brains go. I think it goes to

my checklist. You got to do this. You got to do this. Did you do this? What about this? Has this person done this? Your worry hierarchy. I'm not thinking about, I'd rather be on a beach. I should be in a drive through. Yeah. I'm not that bad. Oh, and one

more thing. Is the syrup, is the hot fudge oven still on? Is it hot? Yeah, and it's bad with my relationship. Sometimes she's like, I've told you this three times. And I'm like, ugh.

I literally genuinely didn't hear you. Well, as you get older, I'm curious what other people's experiences is. Which is, there are times where I forget something and I'll go, you were right to forget that. Meaning, it's just not important to me. Like my brain, I have a list of importance in my head of like categories that are important.

Yeah. Some things don't make it in. Yeah. I don't know. And also, I'm trending in a happier direction generally as a person. There you go. Not like I'm getting forgetful, but whenever I think about senior, when people go, I'm having a senior moment,

I kind of want to say to them, like, maybe it just doesn't, you're having a senior moment because you don't give a fuck and there's only so much space in the cabinet. Yeah, let's go with that. And you don't need the lyrics to some dumb song. You don't need to know. Yeah. I'm definitely bad with names. I'm very polite

and I'm happy to meet people very open, but the name goes right out in one ear, right out the other. I wouldn't even know how to remember a name. Yeah. I don't. Somebody how to remember a name. Yeah.

I don't. Somebody, there is a good one that somebody, but when you hear it, it's insane. Let's say you meet Bill Burr, right? You picture, his first name's Bill. Okay. So you picture him on the back of another Bill. So you picture Bill Cosby giving him a piggyback ride. Okay.

And it's actually a good way to remember names. Like you're visually adding something to it. Yes. I know a girl named Sandra, and I would picture her on Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's back. And that's how I would remember her name. Okay.

I'll try that. It sounds insane, but it actually works. Okay. Yeah, because I've had a couple of people be like, you've met me before. I'm like, okay, sorry.

Yeah. And then your people pleasing kicks in. Exactly. And then I'm like, it's spiraling, trying to make them feel better. Eat. I know. Yeah. And then your people-pleasing kicks in. Exactly. And then I'm like spiraling, trying to make them feel better. Eat. And I, yeah.

What have you done about it at home? Do you have to make a concerted effort to listen? I do need to do that, Neil. That exhale was great. I'm trying. I really felt how badly you need to. Well, there's also, and again,

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I have bad hearing. And not a lot of people know about. I don't have like, I'm not diagnosed. It's like I haven't gone to the doctor. But I genuinely have bad hearing. And sometimes. Everything's lower?

Everything's lower. And I just don't hear everything uh i remember when burt kreischer told me the first time that he he told me a podcast he didn't like me at first because he was passing by we didn't really know each other this was back in the day it was at the improv um i had just come off stage and he was next, I guess. And he said he told me like, great job. And I walked right past him and he goes, so I would tell everybody like, like Fortune is like so mean and aloof or something. And he goes, everybody was like, that doesn't seem like her.

Yeah. Like I know her. That doesn't seem like her. And, and then I go, I said, and we laughed about it. Cause I go, Bert, and we laughed about it because I go, Bert, I did not hear, there's no way in the world I heard you and walked past you and didn't say anything.

But I genuinely don't hear sometimes people say stuff. So if I don't see them, I keep walking if I haven't heard them. So part of the listening is on me and my ADD, but it's also I sometimes just don't hear it. Have you ever taken Ritalin for ADD?

I haven't, but I'm starting to think, should I look into it? Because it's getting worse as I get older. Just try it. Yeah. For like a day. Yeah. Just one day.

Just one day. See if I can focus. Do hard drugs. Yeah. Well, I think Zooms haven't helped. Because so much... Zooms haven't... That's a full block right there.

Yeah. So much has changed with that. Give it to her, Will. Zooms haven't helped. We're going to... It's going to come up behind your head. Zooms haven't helped anybody at any... No.

I've never seen you on Zoom before. We do our radio show via Zoom. And it's two hours a day. And I'm in my office. I mean, if something can distract me, it will. I'm like,

all over the place. Well, you got to clear the, you got to clear your eyeline for real. I know. You have to. I can't be on a Zoom and like, let me just look at them.

I know. I'm just like, I'm trying to X out of all the things on my computer. I got to put my phone over here. I got to like, I'm, then all of a sudden I'm staring at the things on my computer. I got to put my phone over here. I got to like,

I'm staring at the bird outside my window. Like I'm just all over the place with the zooms. Yeah. I mean, I'm, but I'm not mad. Do you do subtitles on when you watch TV? No,

not, not to that point. That would be, that would be a good for hearing. That would be like, I know. Does your, does Jax think you're listening to stuff

too loud no it's for some reason with TV and stuff I'm okay I'll occasionally be like what do they say

huh but yeah but it's as of where I'm at right now I'm okay with that it's more of like if we're out and about

people around saying something to me I can't zero in on like where that's coming from or even It's more of like if we're out and about, people around, they're saying something to me. I can't zero in on where that's coming from or even it isn't even registered. It's funny. We all know how crazy it is to be a person. And we all have insanely high expectations for other people. Right. We're like, I'm going through.

I can't hear. And then I got the comment section. And then Bert's like, Bert's mad at me. Like, just all this, like, why the fuck do we have these expectations? You know what this is like.

It's hard. Yeah. I'm like drowning. I'm not drowning all the time, but like, it's a lot. It's a lot. And we still,

but we're all we have in terms of to get satisfaction. Yeah. But should I put a little, put more effort into me like listening and not doing the checklist with my relationship? 1000%. But I'm not even mad at the checklist. Like meaning I don't, if you're worried, you're worried. Yeah.

Like, okay. Remember when, you know, when, remember when you ever audition for something and the people that you're auditioning for are on their computer and you want to go, motherfucker, I'm auditioning right now? Right. They're working. Right. They're doing shit they have to do.

They're not fucking around. Yeah. They literally have to answer an email and they're probably not the most important person in there. Just, we don't think about if someone's anxious about something like, yeah, you got your hands.

This is a good one. Okay. Culturally, I'd say it can be nerve wracking going into certain cities as a gay woman. Uh, yeah. I mean, I,

that's been coming up a little bit more for me lately because you're going to more cities probably well one of more cities i mean i'm from listen i'm from the south i i you know grew up in very conservative areas very red states all around me and in north carolina uh so it's not anything out of the ordinary and i don't shy away from those places i there's i have some of the best shows i've ever had in Oklahoma, in Tennessee, in Florida, like Dallas. People that have places that have laws against you. Yeah, right. But there is this kind of hate bubbling up again where it kind of felt like it went away for a bit.

Yeah. up again where it kind of felt like it went away for a bit and now it's feeling like that vitriol is coming back where you're like oh I thought we were past this I thought we were like getting like on board with like just you know love who you love

but I've definitely had I mean I've been touring now for 13 years solid and you know I have incidences for sure where I am looking over my shoulder in certain towns people yelling stuff

you know early on in my career as soon as I said I was gay on stage I've had people get right up out of their seats in a club and leave so not like a hate people you paid to be theatrical make an event out of your show. Exactly.

Fine, sir. Who I am. I want to apologize for one second and I'm about to get a 40 second applause break because I'm a hero. I mean,

I've been on the road with my wife where like, they didn't know we were together. She's very, you know, feminine looking

and they didn't know we were together and the person was like super nice to her and then I went to the bathroom. They didn't know we were together. And the person was like super nice to her. And then I went to the bathroom. They didn't see me with her and they were very mean to me for no reason. And I was like, clocked it.

Like, that was weird. And then when we went to pay, like the woman realized we were together and it was mean to both of us. And my wife was like, that's so weird. She was like so nice to me. And She was like, so nice to me. And I was like, oh, I think that this is why. And, you know, that stuff is always kind of jarring.

We've been in places where we've walked into a restaurant or a bar and you just feel the vibe where we are like, we should go. And it's hard to describe to people if no one's yelling a slur at you. It's hard to describe energy. And no one's yelling a slur at you. Yeah. It's hard to describe energy. Yeah. And I go, I know the energy. I can feel the energy when I'm not supposed to be somewhere

and I get myself right out of that position. But, you know, it does make you nervous when you're on the road to be like, where are we going with this vitriol? How will this present itself? Is it just an internet thing? Is it going to be, you know,

keep going into laws? Are we going to be, you know, is my marriage in jeopardy at some point? Right now, we're just kind of like, where is this going? And so, it definitely, as a touring stand-up, become

very eye-opening because you are going. You're not living in your bubble. It also makes you paranoid. You're everywhere. Yeah. In that people don't understand when you get heckled at a show, just as an example,

you get heckled at the 10th minute of your act. You're worried about it for the rest of your show. You can't think straight. Right. You're literally doing it. So if you go into a bar and you feel the energy, you're probably going to be like, let's just go back to the room.

Right. You're not going to go, let's give another bar a shot. Yeah, right. No. And then you also are scanning other people for it. Like, is this one of those? Is she going to be like that other person? Right.

And it kind of makes the whole thing worse. The whole experience worse. Yeah. It's just interesting. You know, I've landed in certain places where Jax and I start holding hands and you can immediately tell like, oh, no, this is not the place.

Do you have a good bit about Saudi Arabia or Dubai or something? Oh, about doing a thing right now about going on our honeymoon and we had to stay over in Qatar.

So, you know, and like, yeah, other countries, you definitely have to think about it so there's nothing I personally can do about any of this

I just have to be aware of where I'm going you know what my surroundings are if there's a vibe that I shouldn't be there get the heck out of there well yeah

it's like it's just like any ism where it's like racism or sexism where you just go like it just fucking makes this 25% worse yeah and it's just like any ism where it's like racism or sexism where you just go like, it just fucking makes this 25% worse. Yeah. And it's not, I can't show you what, but it's just so stupid.

And the thing you talked about, the flare up, it's almost proof that it has nothing to do with reality. It's like, are gays getting too many rights? What do you... Yeah, I don't understand it personally, why all of a sudden it's a thing again. But yeah, with that being said, 95% of the places I go, lovely. Lovely experiences, lovely people, kind, great shows.

But it is a weird thing to think about before you go. It's a weird like, it's like, how's the sexual preference climate there? Right. And I've had that thought lately. I was going to a certain state and and I thought, you know what? I'm actually going to rent a car because I'm gay, my opener's gay, and I think I should just drive us. It could have been that nothing would have happened,

and it would be totally fine if I Ubered, got in a stranger's car. It could have been amazing. But I'm like, just as a precaution, I'm going to rent a car. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yes. So you just kind of make, you just as a precaution, I'm going to rent a car. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yes. So you just kind of make, you just make a little adjustments here and there where you think maybe this will be better. And I went to that place.

I did rent a car. But as far as my experiences at the hotel, the restaurants, the show, lovely. So you just never know. But with, again, with that being. You only got into like three car chases. But, and also, and I always am trying to play devil's advocate. I could have something bad happen in the most progressive city in the world. You just don't know.

Yeah. And also- That's what's so exciting about being a lesbian. And also someone who's not- You never know where it's coming from. That's right. But also someone who's not gay could experience something else. You know what I mean?

Of course. We're in a wild time. Yeah. Where anybody could experience any sort of like not pleasant thing at any point because we're in a very unsettling time. Because social media made people lose their minds. I guess. Okay. And what. made people lose their minds. I guess. Okay. And what,

two more questions. Okay. What have you done in your life that's made you come to accept yourself more? Whether it's like therapy or medication

or 12-step groups. Yeah. I have had a couple of big transitional moments, I think. The first was coming out, coming out of the closet. It helped me accept myself more, love myself more. It was, like I said, before I came out, I just, it was sort of a non-thing, but I just knew something was off.

Something was different. Why am I not connecting with someone romantically? Why am I not the object of someone's affection? How old were you when you came out? 25. What was your arc with it? You were like, oh, I think I'm entranced in women. And then how long before you come out?

It was starting to bubble up for me more when I moved to LA at 23. Well, there's better looking women out there. I mean, there's a lot more to it. But they're open. I'm like, I know that person's a lesbian. Yeah.

Where I wasn't seeing that as much back home. Nothing to be attracted to back home. 20 years ago. There's so many. You stop. And, and so it started bubbling up. But 25 was when I had the aha,

as Oprah says, the aha moment. Aha. Aha. Aha. And then came out pretty quickly after that. Within hours. I'm kidding.

I told friends first, then family a few months later, you know, that kind of thing. Is there, do you do due diligence on yourself? Like, do you go, are you sure? Do you just like that? Or do you bargain with your preference? Do you go, ah, it would be probably be easier if you were attracted to guys. Let me work from that. I think in that 23 to 25 year old time, the world was bubbling up.

That's when I had the like, well, maybe I just need to, I haven't found the right guy. Bigger, more massive. Yeah. But yet again, the guys were like, no, thank you. And I would have gone on the dates, but we just didn't have that rapport. We immediately were like high-fiving each other. A very, you know, brotherly, sisterly kind of relationship. So there was that then.

But once I like fully was like, I'm gay, it was like, no, this is who I am. And it opened up that whole, that whole other world to me. But it made me make sense. I go, now I get. Looking back, you go, oh. Now I get why this, I was like this. Now I get why I felt like this. Now I know why I was intense with this friend.

It just made. So it really was like, oh. And of course, like you said. And you're not even you were intense with somebody. Yes. Because you wanted to fuck them for lack of a better term. I wanted intimacy. I got it.

Not even I wasn't even going to that level with it. I was so naive and young in the thoughts of it. It was like holding hands and hugging. It wasn't even like a hornball. You just wanted closeness with this person. You wanted to fuse with this person. And so that was a big transitional time for me of like, I finally know who I am. And I think that-

That must've been fun. Yeah, it was freeing. A weight lifted off your shoulders. So that helped me start that journey of self-acceptance for sure. And then as I got more into dating and making a lot of wrong choices, dating a lot of the wrong people, because I'm now dating as people did when I was 16. I'm doing that as a 28-year-old, 30-year-old. Meaning what? Meaning I'm making all the mistakes

you make when you're young. Dating the wrong people. Putting up with things you shouldn't put up with. Like, people are like, I used to date someone like that when I was in college, but not now.

Yeah, like now I would never. Yeah, and I'm like, I don't know. Because you don't know. I'm just trying to date. Yeah, and you also don't know what to, like, your standards are kind of low because you're like, I'm just happy it's a woman. I'm just happy, yeah. I'm also don't know what to, like your standards are kind of low. Cause you're like,

I'm just happy. It's a woman. I know what I like. A thousand percent. This shit's real basic for me, gang. Yeah. I just want a woman and then whatever,

whatever we can negotiate. I just want experiences. Yeah. And so, but as I got into my thirties, I was like, oh wait, this is becoming not good. I'm getting into relationships that are bad for me now. Now it's becoming toxic. And so I went to therapy. I did three years of therapy because I go, okay, I'm the common denominator. I'm the person picking all these people. I'm allowing them to treat me this way.

I'm the person picking all these people. I'm allowing them to treat me this way. Why am I doing that? What is it that I'm doing that I need to fix? Because I can't be in a relationship like this long term. And my fear is that I will allow myself to do that because I just want to be loved. I just want, if someone picks me, I'm afraid I'll just go, yeah, you picked me. So, okay, I'm glad to be picked. Even though you're totally wrong for me. And that definitely changed my perspective on dating

and try to make better choices and not putting up with that kind of stuff. It's so funny because it's the same. It's just identical. It's like women in their 20s just make fucking bad decisions. And it is basically like where you go, do you like them? And they're like, what? Do you like this person? They're like, I didn't even consider it. Yeah. You just go, oh, you picked me and I want to be picked and I need love.

So, okay. Close enough. Yeah. But, you know, that's why meeting Jax was so different. For the first time, I was like, I like you, you like me. We're choosing each other, you know? It was... Yeah.

I mean, a good relationship is like it's like finding money it's like yeah I can't fucking believe I met you yeah this is crazy totally and not it's like not even romantic it's almost selfish because it's so good yeah okay so here's my final question okay movie of your life

who plays you what's the story oh my gosh movie of my life. Who plays me? Charlize Theron available? Yeah, of course. Don't change a thing. Be like just alike, right? Oh my gosh.

Who would play me? Charlize. I mean, I'm a very specific look. It's not easy to pinpoint a current actor that'd be like they're perfect Charlize is doing it

Charlize is doing it what's but what's the she's gotta put on a few LBs whatever that's on if you guys talk you'll go to lunch it's like

every time I have every time I have a stunt double it's some really fit woman that they've put a pillow into her shirt oh that's funny and so you're never there's never like

they walk on the set you're like, what? And their curly wig. Oh, I know Kathy Bates should play my mom. Great. Wouldn't that be pretty cool? Great.

Can I just play myself? Okay. I want to play myself. Great. Muhammad Ali did that. Charlize can play my older sister. I also believe

they're making a Snoop series and Snoop should play himself. Like, I don't want to see somebody play him. Right. I want to play myself. Kathy Bates played my mom. Great.

What's the story? Maybe like, like, am I making it up? No, it's like, what's been your life story? What's been the arc?

Who were you? What did you overcome? What'd you learn? Just a small town girl. That's the story. Great. No, I'm from a small town.

So I imagine it'd be, you know, start in North Carolina, tiny town. And that relationship with the mom and daughters at the

helm. Yep. Complicated, a loving and complicated relationship. And, you know, it's a journey of

self-discovery. And what is it? Your sexuality, being a comedian. Yeah. Sexuality, being a comedian, moving away from home, spreading the wings, hardships, like as far as like, you know, starting with nothing, $30, $30 in your pocket, your acura legend. Like, what are we doing here yeah I don't know

do you look back on like moving what was the suspicion you had about yourself or about life that made you go ain't you gonna like you don't even know you're gay like what is the the pull

yeah kind of that feeling being in that small town, going to a small college of like, is there more? This can't be enough. I think I had that feeling my whole life of like, you know, my town's 10,000 people. My college was 1,200 people.

Just like, there's got to be more. Like, The Little Mermaid, but, you know, just like, what's out there? You know,

feeling like not in touch with the rest of the world. It was pre, like I said, pre-internet. I remember being fascinated by MTV

because it was like, the real world, I was like, oh my God, like, look at all these people. Look at all, oh my God, like, look at it. Look at all these people. Look at all their backgrounds. Look at that city they're in.

Oh my God, that restaurant. Like I was, my mind was blown. And it feels so naive to say that now, considering what all we know of everything everywhere, but it was a different time. It really was. And just like, I gotta, I'm scared. I don't know what's out there but I know I think I gotta go out there. Yeah. If said

improperly it's like I'm too great for this town. Or I just want I don't know there's something. I just want more. Yeah I want more. People are like well this isn't good enough. You're like yes but it's not your fault. because it is good enough for most people.

Yeah, it's a great place to grow up. I love my hometown. I go there several times a year to see my family. But yeah, I think I just always had this internal thing of like, there's got to be more than this. But where do I find it? always had this internal thing of like, there's got to be more than this. And where, but where do I find it? I even moved to Spain for a year, right after college.

Cause I was so craving. You overdid it. You went one too many. I know. But I was, that's how much I was craving different, anything different, different country,

different people, different language. Cause I felt like I had been so, um, like not, I didn't have enough exposure to anything. And I just was always like, there's gotta be more to this.

And just really, did you read much? Um, ish. Reading was never my thing. Your thing? Your jam? I was more than watching every episode of the real world that I could possibly watch. Um, ish. Reading was never my thing. Your thing? Your jam? I was more than watching every episode of The Real World

that I could possibly watch. Um, it's sad when you get to, there comes a time in a person's life when you, the real world doesn't work on you anymore. I know, right? It's like,

oh, fuck. Yeah. You just know, you're like, let me do one more episode. And then you're like, I don't care anymore. And you don't care't care anymore i know that day was a sad day but it was such a but in the beginning i felt like the show was like a real cultural moment it was and then

eventually it just was a this is a reality show yep you know they just want to be on tv but in the beginning it was, this is like changing culture. Yeah. We're talking about things we didn't talk about before. Like that Truvada commercial where the guys kiss at the end. You couldn't explain to someone how crazy that would have been. Like what? Yeah.

When do they air this? Yeah. After 2 a.m.? No. They air it in the morning. Yeah. There was a kiss on the real world I feel like was like a big deal.

Or like the guy had AIDS. Pedro had AIDS. Yeah. Yeah. It was like it. But that I was craving any story other than mine. I want to learn about.

And you didn't know if it was sexual preference based. No, it wasn't. It was just anything. Anything. Yeah. Anything. I just wanted to see different people, meet different people, be around different people. What is beyond

Belmont, North Carolina? And now all you do is stay home and watch Netflix. Sad. You know? Sad, everyone. Tune in to her... It's one of her Netflix specials, Good Fortune. Good Fortune, Sweet and Salty. Sweet and Salty.

Tune in to Food Bar on Netflix. Her and Tom Papa have a morning show on Netflix, The Joke Radio. And you have a podcast. Oh, it's really fortunate. And I'm on tour. And she's on tour. The Joke Radio. And you have a podcast. Oh, it's really fortunate. And I'm on tour. And she's on tour. All over the country.

There's so many ways to win. I'm all over the US, New Zealand, Australia as well. Are you really? Yeah. Great. And it's an all new hour. So if you watch Good Fortune, it's a whole different set. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah