Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Freaky Friday. Jimmy Carr hosts guest Neal Brennan

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

Jimmy Carr interviews Neal Brennan ('Blocks') about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 1:32 Childhood 4:24 Self-Pity 6:47 Grievances 22:46 Lack of Appreciation 32:36 Worries about Love Ending 35:35 Ayahuasca 45:06 Unusual 1:06:25 Death 1:10:52 Goals for Himself ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- https://www.hellofresh.com/nealfree & use code "nealfree" for free breakfast for life https://www.babbel.com/blocks for 55% off your subscription https://www.betterhelp.com/neal for 10% off your first month https://www.meundies.com/neal for 20% off plus free shipping Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hello. My name is Jimmy Carr, and this week I'm hosting Blocks, the podcast that was my idea. And Neil gives me props for every single week because he's a mensch. Neil Brennan is one of the finest comedy minds working. If you're not familiar with Three Mics and Blocks, I suggest you pause this now. Go and watch those. Okay, you're back. They were funny, weren't they? Really funny, really open emotionally uh talk about the structure yeah well structurally interesting structurally very interesting for the

blocks uh show you share a lot three mics you share an awful lot of yourself i thought it would be fun for the listeners of blocks to do a special episode with you we talk about your blocks we update your blocks we talk about the things going on in your life. Because you are, I think, at the vanguard of- Human existence, human behavior. Where tragedy meets comedy. I mean, your childhood, I would say, I know we're both obsessed by documentaries. Your childhood, it strikes me, would be a hit documentary on Netflix and people would not believe it if they had filmed it your childhood i don't think people would believe how difficult it was and i don't think you fully acknowledge that sometimes when i talk to you about somebody said recently you've

experienced as much sadness as any or hardship as anyone i know and i was like i don't think because you just genuinely i was thinking about it recently because I watched the beginning of that, it was like a cult documentary. And I went, oh, Neil had a worse childhood than that.

So talk us through, give us the beats for anyone that hasn't seen it. The beats of your childhood. Childhood, father was a violent alcoholic. He would drink. That's already a movie.

Yeah. This Boy's Life. This Boy's Life, yeah. That's kind of the main thing like my father was violent and at that point you're all you don't know where the violence is coming from why how often and it creates kind of there's a whole thing in psychotherapy about where you were born like i'm i'm a middle kid so my uh mother had all the anxiety around the first kid and then the second kid she was able to be more relaxed. And you feel that you're more relaxed as the second kid, right?

You were born where in the sequence? Yeah. They don't have a theory on that because there's not enough of them. There's no theory. There's no book about, well, if you're the 10th kid, you'll be Neil Brennan. My mother was in labor for 45 minutes. 45 minutes. 45 minutes. I mean, literally walked out.

Yeah. Yeah. I was, she looked over and I was walking next to her. Yeah. With an umbilical cord. So no love from your father? Dad, none. Admitted, self-admitted, I did not love you.

And on his deathbed? Which part of the deathbed? Wrote me out of his will. Yeah. Disinherited. Yeah. And consciously, I haven't lost will? Yes. Disinherited. Yeah. And consciously, I haven't lost his mind, consciously disinherited and told you that he didn't love you.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty heartbreaking to be your friend sometimes because I can feel I'm like tearing up. It's awful. It's just awful. And then I look at your relationship with your mother and I'm privy to a lot of the list of rules, which you sort of name check in blocks. Yeah, I name a few of them.

Bunch of TV rules, like a lot of laundry rules, a lot of sandwich rules. You guys probably all had sandwich rules, right? I'm so obsessed by that. You had a list of rules that were put up by your mother that are again heartbreak upon heartbreak like the food the laundry the rules the lack of warmth no she was weirdly warm in her own way and in her defense she did stuff that was like incredibly thoughtful like every night she would warm the plates up for dinner. She made dinner, warm the plates up. We all have one. It's like a nice, thoughtful thing to do.

For instance, I, and I, I'm more, I just spent some time with my mom. Just as a straw there, I can, I can almost reach the warm plate. No love in your childhood in any, in any way that anyone else would understand. No, no, no real empathy. Yeah. But the warm plate. No love in your childhood in any way that anyone else would understand. No, no, no real empathy, yeah. But a warm plate. So that's something. If you're thinking about having kids, not as tough as you thought. Warm a plate, that'll do.

I mean, it really feels like that's... I could say the same about yours, buddy. For real. Yeah, but let's... No, I get it. But I'm just saying, like, that's why I don't have a ton of. You've got no self-pity, which is remarkable. And also a giant amount of self-pity.

Like there, I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself in my life. And then at a certain point, I had a story in blocks that you told me to cut and I didn't for a while. And then I did when i taped because i was like i don't i can't keep harping on this um it was a story about shitting my pants like either disobeying my father or shitting my pants and i chose to you guessed it shit my pants the self-pity pool in my in my spirit kind of went i just stopped two three years ago i think we talked about this because jk rowling had a great line on it which is it's tough love at its toughest where you go we have to have a statute of limitations on childhood grievances i don't

know what age it is because it's definitely not 18 if someone comes to you at 18 and says i had that childhood you go oh man you okay you need a hug you okay if someone comes to you at 18 and says, I had that childhood, you go, oh man, you're okay. You need a hug. You'll be okay. If someone comes to you at 25 and says, I had a really tough childhood, but you can't be meeting St. Peter at the gates going, my dad- Did you see? Yeah.

My dad was a dick. Yeah. But you had 40 years. Come on. You have to get past that at some stage. That's about the calculation for me. It's around late 40s. I was like, I gotta stop.

I gotta just stop doing this because I don't. A lot of that before that was a lot of anger at my dad and my mom. And I like, I was happy to talk about it. In fact, Three Mics was written as a, the dad part was written for revenge. And at a certain point I was like, can I give him, I don't want to just go slag him on stage. So I made it more, I put some empathy in it of like, what did I owe him and what was his life like? Yes. I mean, his life was, I mean, he grew up in the depression.

Who even knows? But I think you want to correct that as a parent. I would agree. Yeah. I mean, what's your line in blocks? Both my parents were born during the Great Depression and they were nice enough to bring it with them. That was a Derek DelGaudio line, the director. Yeah.

And a great line. Again, your obsession with fairness. It's a line in your special. It's a great line. You give the credit to the guy that gave you the line. It's like- Do you remember what I used to do for a living? Yeah.

But it's interesting that thing of thing of like the grievances, which is your first big block, holding. I mean, I thought the next special, if you just did, you could call it grudge match, and it's just all of the things where it's the other great line in blocks where you go. I got to be the only person who was ever asked the question, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? And I was like, oh. And knowing you and knowing you i go well that's bullshit you'd rather be

right i mean like the idea like you're bullshitting the audience right oh it was a tough decision i bet that would have gotten the same amount of laugh you're right i'd rather be happy right uh let's move yeah that would have gotten let's move on and also that's the right answer so and i can tell you why so the grudge is the, you've fallen out with a lot of people over the years. And I think it's a, I feel very privileged to be your friend. There's an extra level you get to going, no one's better at friendship. Like you're really good at being honest and direct and respectful. And you add a lot of value i think uh when i first met you i was very kind of drawn to that kind of your mind in comedy you you you help a lot but also

you're very giving of you know lines and ideas and things but it's also that thing if you go you're very good at being honest you're very good at you know it's a i think friendship comes from a i think it's in a weird way comes from a bad place i remember yelling at somebody and i was like look i'm not trying to draw blood here and and then i bought i took a beat and i was like you know what i grew up catholic and the truth is i am trying to draw a little bit of blood, like real, uh, righteousness. And, and, and so that's a downside, but I think if I apply it correctly, it can be helpful to the person. Yeah. So that thing of the, the resentment and the being willing to break up with friends is a very unusual thing. Most people, they talk, they'll talk about ending relationships,

but there's very few people that talk about it. I thought it might be an interesting bit of stand-up for one of us about ending relationships with friends. We go, you're no longer, you know, I essentially, I suppose I broke up, my father's not dead, but I haven't seen my father in many years,

and I don't intend to. But that, like, breaking up emotionally with someone and going, yeah, I don't need that in my life, is, strikes me as quite healthy in a way. I know, and I'm on the fence about it meaning I like having boundaries it had the lack of boundaries in my life was really damaging and painful and then you go to 12 step groups and you learn some boundaries

now I I I and I I had them and and i never really administered them until the last couple years and and i still don't know if i'm right about it that's the interesting thing is like if i if i say i don't want to be friends with you anymore uh i it's always after a lot of consideration and a lot of friendship and if they haven't i think the the main element of friendship is reciprocation yeah it's it's i go to your party you come to my party i call you back within a day you call me back within a day it's just it has to be yes i do feel that thing of like some some friends that you feel like you're chasing and you kind of go do i sorry why what am i doing here what's yeah

i'm an adult sometimes if it if it's not if it doesn't feel equal it you can't go ahead that's what friendships are that seems to be the point of friendship do you know what i mean yeah like it seems feel like there's a i my theory is i think comedians have career dysmorphia oh we all do and we think oh my career is because i'm not doing as or as you know yeah wherever we stand wherever we are in the hierarchy at the comedy store or the cellar or theaters or how many were selling or how many nights we're doing at the beacon whatever the whatever the metric is there'll always be someone doing better and someone doing worse and where do you stand. But actually, if you step back just for a second

and go, well, that's all crazy, you're all making a living telling jokes. This is all great. What I've come to is, comparison is the thief of joy, right? Unless you compare down. Compare down. That's what I've been doing recently.

I just go, ah, and then I go, but I'm doing incredibly well. But because you're in the, you know, it's like you watch a marathon and there's like the group of, let's face it, Kenyans at the front. And then they all, they're just, but it's like's like dude you guys are dominating relative to the field but you're only looking at the nine people in your pack or whatever i always feel terrible for tennis players how come because the number three player in the world turns up any anywhere he goes the one and two are there yeah fucking you guys yeah you could have gone anywhere else in the world i think the great thing about being a touring comic, especially when you play unusual places. No one's there.

No one's there. Yeah. No one's there. If you're in Reykjavik, no one's been there for months. I know. I remember. You're here.

Great. David Tell said it was great. He was in Alaska. And it was like, it was the great feeling to be the funniest person within a thousand miles. Well, I think David Tell could say that most nights in new york but he can say most places any any place in the world but yeah it's incredible he's absolutely incredible that thing of fairness though do you think that comes from your childhood and the injustice of

growing up the youngest of 10 and it's yeah having nothing i mean your parents weren't poor but they had so many children they're everyone's poor at that amount of kids. Yes. I think even Elon Musk is going, what are we going to do? I got 11, but you told me that good Elon Musk story about the house. I'm sure you can't repeat it. Oh no, I could repeat that story.

Where he was renting a house. Yeah. His friend came around, he was holding two babies. Elon Musk is in a small house holding two babies. A tiny house down the road from the factory holding two babies. And the friend knocks on the door and goes, you live here? Yeah.

Didn't own anything. Doesn't own anything anymore. Got rid of all the houses. Yeah. Just because it wasn't getting him closer to where he wanted to be. And he didn't like how expensive houses were. Yeah. There were the interest.

The real estate in Austin had gone up so much that he's like, I'm not fucking paying those prices. Yeah. Fine. If you're cheap, you're cheap cheap here's what it is i believe because violence can come from anywhere uh when i'm a kid yeah it all every time you know that like post game thing i don't know if you relate to it when you're a kid and you're alone in your room and you're crying and you're really mine was always like this is so unfair warn me let me let me do something horrible then beat me up instead of and i again i got the least of my family so i'm like you know it's it's a handful of incidents but the fear of it is it can come at any time at anyone while also seeing that being exposed to that as as a child, you don't really acknowledge, I don't feel, as a trauma. You acknowledge when it happened to you, but you don't acknowledge your first memory.

Yeah. My first memory is my brother fighting my dad. Yeah. So I do see it as a trauma, but I don't. I think the lingering one is anything bad can happen at any point for no reason. So if I can create a fair environment, then I'm pleased and I can count on behavior and expectations and all that

stuff. And so if I don't have that, I hate it. And, or it's what I didn't like about most of the relationships I was in romantically is like, wait, what? You can just yell at me for a thing you're making up? And, you know, the woman I'm with now pitched like, well, can you empathize with me for feeling that way? And I was like, I can't.

And she was like, you're right. feeling that way and i was like i can't and she was like you're right and that was like the first time i i was like this could this is new and this could work forever yeah to me yes an emotional kind of fairness yeah like an emotional like oh because you brought it up like you can't just hold on to the grievance if i prove if i say things to you that show you that you were wrong, logically, I have to, you have to agree. Well, I think that thing about your, you know, you can't tell me how to feel or, you know, but becomes a very tough way to be in the world because it's, you're not living in other people's worlds. They're living in yours. And that's difficult to form relationships with that that but i think that's what everyone does i think you come i think the ideal relationship is and we've just found it naturally is fairness expectations

uh reciprocation you know like and you can remember you remember when we first became friends went on a long walk and oh a couple of long walks in montreal and you said to me at the end of it you said okay so we're going to be friends and uh when we're in the same city we're going to have lunch and hang yeah pretty much it that's the that's the those are the terms and you say goodbye yeah and it was i'd never had anyone set down the rubric of a friendship and how this is going to work. And it was, okay. And that's what we do.

We're in the same city. We hang out and we have lunch and we talk. And then we're, sometimes we're in our lives a lot, sometimes not. But it, you know, it really works as a thing. Yeah. I think you can ask upfront what you believe it will be. I mean, my theory on happiness is its expectation succeeded it's like why is why why birthday is terrible and new year's is shitty it's because

the expectation is this is going to be the best night can't be met you can't meet those expectations and you go well it's just gonna be okay yeah if you go okay i have a question i don't like parties yeah so how are we gonna handle this yeah um yeah it seems like that's now someone would say like you're neil you're so autistic for saying that but i'm like i get my feelings hurt all the time by friendship so if i say hey can you do this yeah and you go yeah okay then there's no then everything we can resolve conflict easily we can just makes everything. And the question is, is that valuable enough? I don't know if I've resolved the conflict with you, specifically, where you've been wrong.

I've been wrong a couple of times. Oh, we haven't had a thing. We haven't had a thing where you've been wrong. But that's maybe- But I just talked about not complimenting you enough. Oh, but I mean, that's hardly, I don't think that's a foul. I sent you, for context here,

it's another podcast, but I sent Neil my special and he was very effusive and nice about the jokes, but didn't compliment the direction. I mean, honestly- He had directed it. Honestly, I was asking you to do me a favor. That's, I'm not looking for praise. I'm saying you watch it, is it okay?

Like I was getting you to watch it as the slightly the professor of stand-up and kind of go okay that's good or that's a bit like that or whatever that's too similar to the bit on the previous one whatever the thing would be that you go sometimes you have a blind spot and i gave you that yeah of course yeah okay it's great you just go it's great is is kind of enough but it's that thing of like where that comes from i know what that means from you yeah you've heard me give opinions about other specials that you probably agreed with yes i mean i think you had

that montreal that thing that you wrote montreal which i think should be a bit stand-up oh i gave a speech they how they did not videotape it so pretty great did they not that's crazy but it was a speech about like it was kind of like state of the union of comedy and some of the beats from that i think would be great in like people listen to comedy podcasts because they're super into it yeah some of the beats of that were great of like how lucky are we how grateful should we be for our lives like how few people can do this yeah jim jeffries was here last week and we talked about how you told him yeah like we're there are how many great stand-up comedians in the world

that's those are astronaut numbers like there's 60 i don't know how many comedians you think are great 100 even what are there 100 of on earth it's like a very but your thing your thing in montreal was like there are 60 000 brain surgeons yeah you mean brain surgeons pretty impressive but uh a brain surgeon meeting a stand-up comedian should be please should jerk them off this is unusual or her off whatever your thing is with hello fresh you get farm fresh pre-proportioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep you can skip trips to the grocery store and count on hello fresh to make home cooking easy fun and affordable that's why it it's America's number one meal kit. Each HelloFresh box is packed with farm fresh ingredients,

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They give you a card with the recipe. The whole thing works. I get it. I get the appeal. They gave me pasta. It was great. It was great to have stuff in my house that I was just like, oh, I can eat this. And maybe it wasn't vegan, but I don't, whatever. Don't, most people aren't vegan. Don't, you don't have to obey my lifestyle,

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you absolutely should get Babbel. This year, I've gone to Mexico twice and then a couple weeks ago, I went to Barcelona to meet my lady. My Babbel practice, it paid off in Barcelona. To me, said this before, you want to just not feel defenseless when you're in situations, right?

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Rules and restrictions may apply. Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash B-L-O-C-K-S. You got this. The lack of appreciation is interesting. What are you going to need to see from the world that you go, I made it. I slightly think it should happen earlier in comedy careers.

I think as soon as you're playing sets and you're getting paid money to play the clubs around the country, you should be grateful and everything else is gravy. We're doing the same job. Everything else is gravy. So the people at the store, they should go, we talk to other comics clubs around the country you should be grateful and everything else is doing the same job everything else is gravy so the people that store they should go well i'm we talk to other comics in exactly the same way like if i give someone a tag for a line if a fairly new comic comes to see my show gives me a tag great it's okay i i basically i wrote new blocks that i didn't talk about in the netflix first one was grievance we talked about that and now we're talking about my lack

of appreciation you mentioned it when you sat here a few hours ago that it doesn't read when you get a special or get a big check or you do a thing you don't it doesn't read like you're thrilled because you have such a measured personality yeah not only have a measured personality me i my point is i know how extraordinary my life is and i know how for lack of a better word talented or successful i am i don't often really appreciate it because life is so busy and there's always you know we're always looking up or we're looking down we never look out we never look out and survey the land and that's the thing i have a hard time with where my friend david kabuka came to see the new special and was like, now that's the, he's, uh,

I think he's Nigerian. He was like, now that's the Neil Brennan we've all been waiting for. He's like, you, you like, he actually said, he was like,

you don't give a shit about anyone. You just like, and I don't even think that that's the, what the specials like, but he was more just like appreciate. He always goes like, when I think of you, I think of you as like directing lebron

or doing a netflix special and i'm walking around like mopey even on the specials this one i'm not mopey i i wish i could take i don't even think it's self-esteem i think it's the minute to minute feeling of being lucky or being because it's not even successful it's more it's it's luck i mean to live in this era where comedy is respected in this way if we've grown up in the 1930s it's it's not anything i mean you know it's that thing if you go it's not it's and it's always like that the the illusions the lies in comedy it comedy, it's talent and it's hard work. Yeah. And it's always a mix of the two.

You have a natural kind of, you know, maybe you've got predilection for thinking in this way and then you put the work in. But without the work, nothing. Yeah. And I even say, I don't feel this, but I do say, you're lucky to have a work ethic. Yeah. It's a weird thing where we will sort of if a beautiful woman walks into a place like a model it's easy for her she's good looking but that was chatting to a girl it's like an iq of 180 but the fuck are you talking about she's beautiful you're really clever and you were

born with a huge iq and you have a weird work ethic where you read everything and you go yeah that's that is a form of like you're you don't dictate we don't see that luck in the same way it looks seems to be the thing that we really see and it rankles that people go oh that's just really lucky he's that good looking she's that good looking that's just a luck thing but also it looks expire yeah and that's and our talents won't expire ideally. I mean, they'll maybe popularity will wane or go up or whatever, but, but I think it's all luck. What would make it feel like you were acknowledging that success?

So when the new special drops, what could you do that would be like you buy yourself something or go somewhere? I had it when blocks came out i was literally walking down the street there's there's like austin downtown and if you cross the river it's way like more woods and grass and stuff and there's one of the roads streets uh i was just looking at my twitter and it was all positive and I just went. And a Rocky. Yeah. Like 10 seconds of just like.

Yeah. Then you got to walk. Yeah. Then you got to get to where you got to look at them. There's just life makes you. You say you don't like parties, but I think the next time you do one one of those we should endeavor the people that you're close to life because you're close to a lot of people i mean i'm aware of this you're very close to a lot of people you're very good at introducing people but you don't often bring us all together it's very much a avengers

assemble with your friends like we're not all in the same thing. But I wonder, should you try and do that with us next time? Should you maybe try and share that moment? Yes, but I guess the idea is I'm not going to be able to do this. I think it would be great fun if you did. Okay. Do it. In a non-jokey way, I think it would be great. I teared up telling you that.

It means a lot to me. But you came to comedy late. I came to stand-up late. Yeah. late yeah comedy early knew what you wanted to do uh you know directed one of the seminal shows of the last 20 years and wrote yeah and and came to comedy late and then at the end of this the third netflix special so in terms of appreciation i mean it's like you did it yeah i well that's the thing is i know here's part of it is i know that yeah i know what i the the journey um but i think most people most other people don't they're just like well i've done nine like or whatever the people that yeah but yeah you know i i understand i i would here's what i would say we all have to do it

yes i think so and if you haven't done a netflix special you literally have to face the wall you know how to create this line on this uh noel gallagher had a great line on this what was what he was talking about who's the the biggest band or whatever and someone's i don't know who it was came after them that sold way more records yeah did way better and he went yeah but we mean more to people he's right and that thing if you go yeah that's the i don't i now i would say like i don't mean more to people then i would say i don't mean more to people than most of the people that would be at the party well okay but the the you would say that that't mean more to people than most of the people that would be at the party. Well, okay. But the, the, you would say that that's maybe, uh, I think it's also that thing. If you go, what's the, what's the hidden metric of comedy?

Because there's one metric is Netflix specials. One is ticket sales and they're very easy to measure. So we tend to go to the things that we can measure, but actually the, the metric should be the, the joy that people walk out of a show with or what stays with people. I suppose songs do it very nicely because sometimes you hear a song and it stays with you. It's in your head. It's an earworm. It's there. It changes the way you think about that thing forever. I think sometimes if I write a great joke, it stays with people and they kind of remember that for you and it becomes something that they you know quote and it becomes their thing or sometimes a sticky phrase and sometimes think ideas in your show

they last a long time in people's minds it's really yeah i mean i think the champ of that is chris rock from bring the pain i think yes 25 years old absolutely it's all current it was he could have had a uh a portable chris rock of just aphorisms and smart shit he said he's an aphorism machine yeah and uh um but yeah i don't i would i would argue that i'm one of the most inspired that would be my thing i would think i have the actual shot at is like i i can i work hard and i have a fertile mind and um it's just a hard thing to be like because you can't prove it so you're like i think i'm pretty i think i have a lot of ideas that i like and i give them people or i keep them for me or whatever so that would be a thing i would think i would have like it's an unusual thing i often will write something that based on an

interesting idea and then i'll turn it into a piece of stand-up and i'm not as comfortable with stand-up as i am with jokes like i'm always i'm always very impressed with your ability to get an idea to land in a show it's quite an unusual skill so this is a philosophical idea and i'll get this to land so there's a million different types of sexuality. There's only one type of relationship. There's like dozens of new gender and sexual orientations. There's still only one relationship orientation, toward marriage. People go, what about polyamory? There's no tax cuts for polyamory.

Stop it. And you land it. Yeah. It's a really interesting idea. And you land it. You make it fun. And it's kind of, oh yeah, that really interesting idea when you you land it you make it fun and it's it's kind of you and kind of as an audience member you go oh yeah that's yeah that's interesting yeah i don't walk around knowing i wrote that do you know what i mean like i don't and that is a thing that it's

all my whole goal which i've said to you is most of my goals now are emotional right it's not like and then i gotta do i gotta it's just no i want to i want to do whatever and feel great yeah and so that's that's a very hard thing to man to to get to because it's so you know there's not you can't really watch youtube videos about it i have to have a mind shift you know well it's that thing of you you also go the the the journey is the fun like putting this putting the special together is the fun and then when it's done you kind of go okay well i'm doing another one i'm writing another thing i'm going to do something else yeah and you have to have ideas for that so that's where i'm lucky in

that like i can generate a good amount of material yeah well let's do another block um you worry about love ending yeah the i once said about my girlfriend if she broke up with me i would be heartbroken and relieved and i told her that i said it it's like kind of one of those things and we've also had a few moments where it was like, I shouldn't say this, but I'll say it. And then we, she's like, oh, I agree. You know, or she thinks it's funny or whatever. I say that because I'm getting to the point where. So, so society wise, like a little old to be single and dating.

Right. It's like, and so if, if if i if she breaks up with me i feel reject i'm a i'm a loser but i'm not an asshole if i break up with her i'm an asshole and a little old to be single i'm worried about committing to a person and then i just wake up and it's gone it's like when people talk about being broken up with or falling being in love and then the person i was like have you ever fallen out of love with somebody because it's terrifying because it's like you go we gotta you that you guys share a car or let's say it's your car that she goes in and then you you guys go to the car and it's gone when you aren't in love with somebody it's terrifying you feel awful you you're so i'm

worried about that as like with heading into a relationship with somebody you know esther is maybe the best writer on this that the two you're mating in captivity in the strange state of affairs uh the state of affairs rather. And she talks about like, she's been in love three times in her life, always with the same guy. The idea that it will consistently be the same all the way through a relationship, I think is like a,

you know, the reason romance movies end with a kiss and when they get together and they never start with a kiss and they're together, it's ups and downs. Yeah. Lots of ups and downs.

So yeah, you might feel like that one day, and the car will be back the next day. Maybe they're together is it's ups and downs yeah it's lots of ups and downs so you might feel like that one that car be back the next day maybe yeah so i but it's a worry because i'm committing to someone and i'm like i don't want to disappoint her i you know i don't want to hurt her i don't want to you know i mean i don't want to be unreliable i want to be the kind of person i want other people to be other people well you want to correct all the mistakes that were made yeah yeah there's something about where you're at now in terms of going it feels like with the childhood that you had and where you've got to in your career and where you are in life now you're sort of willing to take something else on it feels like it's it feels like there's a real liminal change, like a big shift. Yeah, it's phases of what phases and what your priorities become

and what your kind of perception of stuff. How big a shift was the ayahuasca? Jimmy, I thought you'd never ask. Yeah. This is, by the way, the longest the show has ever gone it's the longest i've ever gone in conversation without bringing it up yeah it's made me it shifted my priorities where i do actually say as much as i'm joking about like i don't want to feel like i'm not a big deal but well you want to feel like you're the biggest deal in one sense you want

to go i'm at one with the universe that's that's you couldn't be a bigger deal i'm a tiny cog in the wheel it's it's it takes you it takes you way closer to tiny cog in the wheel because you just go like this is going on in a million places right now some i couldn't even like i feel like once you experience god you which i believe i did on ayahuasca and the various things I've done, it just contextualizes you. But I mean, this is, it's amazing to have a list of your, um, your blocks and not to have depression on it. It is such an extraordinary moment. I think it might be worthy of one of those. Yeah.

You were depressed for 25 years, uh, um pretty heavily yeah and well just one i guess two things at one point but yeah but yeah but constantly throughout that period i don't feel much pride over it because i don't i don't think people that have depression are i never felt bad about it my family brother older brothers be like are you gonna keep taking that stuff and i was like yeah i don't care it's like diabetes or whatever it's not so but the fact you're out the other side of it i do think is remarkable yeah very few people that have yeah been through obviously i see it more as i didn't really earn it i suffered from it i mean when you look at sorry yeah i tell you what you

should watch blocks it's a netflix special where a guy at the end talks about all of the different things he did to get through his yeah sit with his depression like it's a weird thing where you're a guy with depression with quite high agency and i want i bought it everything and you went and got these crazy magnets on your head in but they weren't strong enough so you went to china to get stronger more illegal ones we don't care about this guy. I can turn it off to 11. But that thing of like going, you really looked for everything

and you found something that works for you. And a non-addictive drug, you know, you get the call, you hang up the phone, or you have the message from it. And it feels like you're exactly the same person I've always known. There's an absolute essence of Neil Brennan,

but now you're you're not depressed i have somehow i can hit the gas a little on i couldn't hit the gas when i was depressed you there was no ability to hit the gas uh energetically yeah and now there's some i still have i can hit the gas problem is my face doesn't always do it. My face just sometimes is just like, I think I'm really, I'm kind of amused by how little you, you know,

how much there's a, there's a, there's a shot Neil has on his phone, his screensaver, which is the, it's him on stage and it's the monitor, which would normally have prompts or something on it. If you're recording a special and it just says smile.

Yeah. And it's so funny to me. And I still didn't smile enough. Yeah. I know. But the irony of your job being i mean it's like the it's the classic old joke about the clown yeah going to see the psychiatrist and the guy says when you're depressed you go and see pavel pavel's playing this weekend he's the greatest clown in the world he's go and have a good laugh that will cure it he goes i am pavel funny. But the thing, you're on stage making people laugh, making people feel okay

about what they're going through because really, you're sharing is, you know, it's hard to watch one of your shows and not project a little. What do you mean?

Well, because you watch it and you talk about, you're very emotionally honest and it's hard to watch it and not go, oh yeah, I've got a thing with,

it's not that, but it's this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever that thing is. Yeah, as you're saying this, I'm like, oh yeah i've got a thing with it's not that but it's yeah yeah yeah whatever that that thing is yeah i as you're saying this i'm like oh yeah i i see that as i i was so self-pitting for so long that now that i'm not i don't uh i don't even understand it so if you feel like i don't give my childhood enough power or not power but just acknowledgement yeah i don't give my childhood enough well no power or not power but just acknowledgement yeah i don't i with the ayahuasca and the depression thing like i had time and i had a little money so i could do stuff that most people can't it's also that thing of like what has your

fairness came from your a a fucking awful childhood you've got this incredible ability for fairness like this this you're obsessed by fairness i would say most of your stand-up comedy is a dissection of the world that looks for fairness yeah and you look for things being well that's off that's wrong a buddy of mine said i'm like a southern lawyer where i'm like your honor yeah one more thing that doesn't make sense to me yeah that thing that everyone else is doing in the world i don't like it and you're willing to be unpopular for that so that that feels that's quite um a superpower that you talk about lack of appreciation but it's my friend said this thing to me recently

that was really um he's a really famous singer in in uh the rest of the world robbie williams and he's got netflix questions yeah no it's great netflix uh yeah i think we said i'm an entertainer in the classic sense if you don't love me i don't love me right and i think comedians all comedians but maybe you more than anyone are you desperately want to be loved but entirely on your own terms willing to do nothing to get it yeah well well i'm willing you're willing to you're willing to speak to people you're willing to go on a show and be super funny yeah like if they don't like it's like uh okay no no but you you underestimate to me you underestimate my sensitivity where i'm like i do the one person wasn't smiling i do the bad instagram message i would tell you the uh the smiling story from montreal for me

that like i did a montreal show this many many years ago with uh it's been quite a small room uh remember galifianakis was on before me just amazing so did the show did like an hour and couldn't have gone any better and there's one guy in the front row looking at me like like like like i'd kill these dog like stink eye the whole time well how what more do i have to do? Don't come to the show. Definitely don't sit in the front. You just can fucking look at me. Just nothing, not one laugh. And I'm walking out of the theater

and he's waiting in the lobby. And I went up to him and I went, and he went, I'm from Venezuela, but English is my fourth language. You're my favorite comedian. I have to concentrate so hard. And you go, okay, all bets are off. All bets are off.

We had a similar one where there was a comedian that we were on shows with where I was like, does that guy hate me? And you were like, you were on stage and he was miming your act with you i won't say who because it's not important but you know what i'm talking about and it's like yeah you we often misinterpret yes the people's perception of us sometimes we don't though and so that's where i i i'm open to the thought that maybe they they there's some sort of misunderstanding in my perception of their behavior but there are times where people just don't like well i think you're going to have a spider sense for that forever that's just that's locked in you can't have that we talk about factory settings and i talk about this a lot now with my kids like the first thousand days being

the factory settings how they are what they do how they interact with the world you want to give you want to give the therapist the least to do in the future and you go what you couldn't give a therapist more to work with in terms of trauma and childhood yeah in terms of that stuff and you seem kind of through it now which is kind of amazing that's also ayahuasca where i just became you know i mean my like i spent time with my mom a few days ago in philly and i was you know it's at that age it's how many times how many more times am i gonna hang out with my mom there's a terrifying fact i read recently about you spend with your kids 98 of the time with your kids up until the age of 18 yeah and then it's like you're you're begging them to come for lunch yeah yeah i'll give you money

come collect the check and now yeah now with my, I'm just kind of over all the grievances and I can enjoy her more. Yeah. I always thought that was the best bit of wisdom. Someone just threw it away. And they, you know, about parents and whatever. And they just, they went, accept the apology you're never going to get and move on. Yeah. I thought, oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

Just take a moment just to go okay well what would it be like if they did i it was honestly it's this is a pretty damn thing to say but it's the first time in my life where i'm when my mom dies i'm gonna miss her and i wasn't aware of it before i may not have experienced it before and i'm gonna miss it like i will miss having her why you just got close enough right it's she's done nothing i've just processed enough stuff where i it also just feels kind of silly and useless to be like so where were you in 1978 yeah feels like an investigation so she doesn't remember i barely remember so why am i still why do i still have her under the lights with and i throw a cigarette and i'm like so tell

me about my job tell me about your behavior from so fucking long ago that i can ruin my life being consumed with it but as a fairness act uh aficionado detective um it is also what made you who you are you're a very unusual guy there's i don't know anyone else like you there's no one else in that bracket i agree and i felt sorry for myself about it i mean that blocks is kind of a version of that is like can you believe i don't i don't have a tribe i don't have a good family i don't have a i can't I don't have a, I can't get a good relationship going. I think a lot of people feel like that in the modern world. The things that you touch on there where you go, well, I'm, I'm a, how liberal are you?

Which is one of my favorite little set pieces in there. How liberal are you? Like, ah, you go, yeah, you, you, you know, you kind of join or ally yourself with the political party and then they shift over 20 years and you go, well, you kind of join or ally yourself with the political party and then they shift over 20 years and you go, well, what happened there? I, I was, you know, things change. You go, well, I don't, what was your line? I don't believe, I don't agree with anyone about everything. There was the Mark Twain thing. And it was like during one of Dave's trans episodes and everyone in the press line was asking us like so what do you make of the trends

and i go i don't agree with them it's fine i don't and i don't agree with any single person about everything it's just not but it's lonely writ large it's lonely as as like that blocks all the all my beliefs sort of conflicting with people or conflicting with norms i've stopped at something happened i probably ayahuasca but i don't i'm not very aware of it's not something i think about it's i've just been like look man this is who you are there's trade-offs and let's try to have fun like literally smile as much as you can. I have a smile flashing behind you right now. No, it's like you, I can't harp on it. I was just harping.

I was constantly harping. I will say I still harp on some of the grudges because I can't believe them. But, and I just, I came to something a few days ago where I was like this is not fun it's just not it my brain wants to do it and I've had to stop I've just gotten away from it as much as possible I've just go like no stop no stop step step like the first thought comes up and I'm like stop yeah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Not surprised. Look, you know, kind of all we talk about is therapy.

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gesture if you're listening to this the ayahuasca thing like i had such a strong God experience the other night on ayahuasca. And I was like, I got to align more with this. It was so overpowering. Just like the idea of like God's love. And it's like, God's, what are you even taught?

It's my experience with the God thing was so strong that it's like, yeah, yeah, yes. I, yeah, this is God being like yeah but i gotta like what do you want i don't even know i barely know what you're talking about i'm so massive so whatever can you let go of those grudges now then can you

i can i don't know whether it's if you want to repair any relationships or if you want to reach out to people you've fallen out with but it strikes me that that's at some stage when you when you can't remember what the fight was about you it's a lot of it is like having stand it's self regard yeah i mean i don't want to be friends with somebody who doesn't hold me in the same esteem as I hold them. I just don't. But it's right-sizing the grievance. I've fallen out with very few people over the years. I fell out with one guy that I had a crisis and he put the boot in, you know, getting canceled.

And you go, well, hang on. If you can't be there for me when the bad stuff is happening, I don't need you at a party. Yeah. Thanks. I support you and it's a one-way street, is it? Oh, okay. Yeah.

And you go, well, there's a pettiness to that, I suppose. I could forgive. But you go, well, okay. And then what? Yeah. And then you've forgiven someone who you know is not going to be there. I feel like I've devalued every friendship if I do that

absolutely correct I don't have any standards you can treat me any kind of way it speaks to someone who has incredibly shallow relationships like yeah I don't care if you I'm not looking for I'm looking for dependability

I'm hoping that it's about low level are you i'm not looking for i'm looking for dependability i'm hoping that it's about low level shit i you know what i mean uh but you kind of have to prepare for like something bad might happen to me and i also have the fantasy of i'm on my deathbed and they all come back so is that the fantasy is that the yeah and then my new standard is like i'll give you 15 minutes like again it's all just i was it's interesting though go on what's the poorly treated as a child and and uh and i've learned boundaries and i think i was friends with people for a reason and then once you find out that they don't have you in the same regard i think it's over because

because again what do what's the point it's like forgive so-and-so okay then what are we then then they're a person i know who i cannot count on doesn't seem like right but i have a uh you know the hallmark thing of like so-and-so's here to see, and I'm like, send them in. But it's, I also know it's silly because they're not changing. Nobody's changing. I don't know. I think we've both. You and I changed. I've changed quite a lot in the last five years. I mean, it's actually really since we've known each other and you've been, I mean, to give you credit, you've been a huge part of my life in terms of my intellectual you credit, you've been a huge part of my life in terms of my intellectual growth and growth as a comedian and aspiration as a comedian. How come?

I never thought about that. Well, when I first saw Three Mics, heard the idea, saw a bit of it in Montreal, didn't see the whole thing, but saw a bit of it and went, that feels interesting. And then I went, I'm only doing one of those mics. I'm not doing anything from standup really. So I've learned how to write standup and I do more standup now. And, you know, you come on podcast, you're more emotionally honest, which is sort of the, it's a different medium for the third mic. And it feels like that's a big influence on my life, but also just spending time with

you. It's kind of, it's pushed me in another direction where you kind of go, well, actually, what do you rate in comedy? I'm not really interested in the metrics that most people look at. I'm interested in what's a great show that stays with people. What's a good special? How do you craft that? How does it look?

You've been a huge influence on me. I regard you as a peer, but I also regard you as one of the goats. I really do. I really feel like your specials, I often cite, you often get asked, what's the best special? Yeah, yeah.

Three Mics and Blocks, I think are really great specials. They're in the pantheon. Thank you. There's nothing better than that out there. They're proper shows. Yeah. And then I go,

but I'm not even the 40th most popular like you know what i mean that i can i can discount it because a lot of life a lot of my life is i'm like i'm am i i feel like i'm good i feel like i'm i feel like i'm how i'm trying trying to make it better try to explain explore but then also comedically i mean not just as an individual as a as a man as a as a comic like can you imagine a certain there's quite a lot of if we went to the comedy store tonight there's quite a lot of people that you wouldn't put up again oh don't put him up because he's just been up she's just been up so maybe let's leave a gap between the next because there's a similar flavor right you're on your own yeah no one else is doing

that no i don't do it at the comedy store but i know what you mean like yeah i agree with here's one of the problems is i kind of agree with you where i'm like i feel like i'm good and uh but my popularity isn't commensurate with other people so i go go, I guess, I don't know, maybe I'm not. So, but what's the, but the popularity thing, I just think is the, it's the wrong metric to look at. I know, but it's still a really, I think it's the one. It's only because it's measurable. It's so easy to measure how many shows, how many tickets, how many things.

I agree. Does that mean you're a better comic than someone else? No, it doesn't. It's also, there's a test of time. I'm pretty sure in no year over the last 50 years, George Carlin was the biggest comedian. I don't think he was the biggest comedian even when he had his big years.

That I don't know. I don't think he ever had maybe one or two years. He may have been. He may have been for a long time. But let the record show yeah as things go forward lots of people that are popular at the time kind of fall away i think with popularity i a i think it's kind of but who shallow in a weird way but legacy thing i think is nonsense because you go of course you're never gonna enjoy whatever yeah but you've always

got an eye on that i i i think it's more just like am am I respected and people are glad I'm around? I think that's more. And do I feel like I'm doing a good job? So I do think about that, but then it's no one. The thing with popularity is everyone just, it becomes a cultural thing of everyone everyone's standing behind like i remember somebody saying like yes shane gillis is going to be the new louis and i was like how did you decide that like it just seems like there's a cultural wave and they go like he's got he's round stomached like louis so he's going to be the next one you're like and he's great and all that but

it so i don't think i'll ever get that and And then I go, why don't I get that? It strikes me that you're being kinder to yourself in a personal arena. And you've not quite got there in a professional arena yet to be kinder to yourself, to take a moment and look around and acknowledge. I agree. And also being happy where you are. The acceptance of going, well, if this is it, if it all ends tomorrow, my god what a run you've had you'd you'd never want to roll those dice again yeah this is this is a fantastic life i know it's hard it's hard to contextualize yourself within comedy and then within all lives ever lived meaning all lives ever lived we are so far ahead of the pack i totally agree but

then you go am i or because i've had like mental health stuff and bad childhood and so i don't i it's hard it's all like shifting context and yeah the mental health stuff i don't think is i think we mentioned it we haven't made a bit like depression for 25 years that you got through that's like hearing someone had stage four bowel cancer and they're fine now. Oh no, it's gone. It's been gone for five years. They're over it. That's like you have, because depression is one of the biggest killers in the nation. And it's, people see suicide as a separate thing. It is a symptom of depression. you've been through it like like a proper dark times and you've come through it you i mean it's extraordinary yeah no i agree how do i feel that's what i said my life is amazing if i could just experience it for one minute yes well i think that'll be

about letting someone else in and uh i think you And I think that's going to be about someone else. That won't be about- That's interesting. Because I don't think I agree with that. I think I have to get there on my own. There's an illusion in life that we're individuals. There's no such thing as a baby. A baby on its own, dead in 12 hours.

There's nothing. Nothing without other people. Nothing without a baby and a mother is a thing. Baby and a father, baby and an auntie, baby and a stranger. Fine. But a baby on its own isn't anything. And we're all babies. We all think we're individuals and we're all so interconnected and it so matters. And it feels like that you're a little bit isolated, but you're letting people in and there's a growth in that and you're becoming more connected to the world yeah i i i could see why you'd be isolated i could see why there's a

self-preservation there's a protection there you're worried about i mean yeah most of the problems were because of people i let it i was letting the wrong people in and now i feel like i'm letting better people in but how would you possibly know the difference between good attention and bad attention when your whole childhood was no attention it was attention when i was funny and it was attention i did get the other thing that i have a hard time telling for myself about is like i was the center i was funny from early and I was the youngest. So there's just tons of attention. So yeah, there's the parental stuff, but I was so lucky in other ways, you know?

And I, I do, I am more cognizant of that as years go on. So, so yeah. So now it's about like, dude, you're not helping these grudges these swirls of thoughts and

are just they're not helpful you just got to stop it i found that cbt stuff to be the cognitive cognitive behavioral therapy even if you're not going to go if you just read the list the list of thought patterns you just google cbt thought patterns and you go oh my god do that do that do that and actually just knowing sometimes that that's what you're doing yeah is enough you kind of go oh i'm doing one of those i'm magical thinking that's just magical thinking yeah because that then that or the you know the counterfactual thing oh on my deathbed they'll come in and i'll this is just an imagined this isn't anything this isn't real what's real is is now and i think the these friendships and these grudges matter a lot because the other thing isn't

there but when the other thing comes i think now i'm in a phase where i have been where it's just like everyone out and now i'm slowly meeting people and letting them in but like sort of having a better because i had a ton of magical thinking about friendships and people and what it was going to be and we're gonna we're all gonna live in bunk beds and we're gonna be fucking and then recently i've been more like cautious about like can you have a friendship yeah can you do this i think you can okay let's try it you know well comics become very good at getting on with people that they're you know from starting in the clubs you're with people you might see them every day for five days and hang on a bus and go on trains and planes or whatever and then you don't see them for two years yeah and i feel

like the difference between acquaintances and friends like if you're doing small talk it's just an acquaintance and if you get right back in where you left off yes right yeah so like i'm having better habits with that and the things I need were better friendship habits and better mental habits in terms of what am I thinking about? Because the thing with the grudges is I, I've a couple of weeks ago, I was like, you never write jokes from this. I get no bits. It's just a, it's the spin cycle.

Yeah. And then, so it's like, Neil, stop and write a bit. Just stop and go write a bit. Yeah. I do think that thing of like the, you know, when comics ask for advice, there's a great thing on the website, Strange Loop, not doing the thing. You've seen that? Mm-mm. Just about comedians, what they're, it's not about comedians. Do you want to hear it? It's

pretty good. Yeah. It's, yeah, not, okay. So Strange Loop are uh, I don't know who these guys are preparing to do the thing. Isn't doing the thing scheduling time to do the thing. Isn't doing the thing, making a to-do list for the thing. Isn't doing the thing, telling people you're going to do the thing. Isn't doing the thing messaging friends who may or may not be doing the thing. Isn't doing the thing, writing a banger tweet about how you're going to do the thing.

Isn't doing the thing, hating on yourself for not doing the thing.'t doing the thing. Hating on other people who have done the thing isn't doing the thing. Hating on the obstacles in the way of doing the thing isn't doing the thing. Fantasizing about all of the adoration you'll receive once you do the thing isn't doing the thing. Reading about how to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Reading about how other people did the thing isn't doing the thing. Reading this essay isn't doing the thing. about how other people did the thing isn't doing the thing reading this essay isn't doing the thing the only thing that's doing the thing is doing the thing yeah and i have a good work ethic yeah and i still like yep i i read that and i was like yep that's totally true and it seems like most people spend their 20s doing that their entire 20s and then half of their 30s and then by the time they're in their forties,

they, no one wants, has any, uh, interest in them doing the thing. It's like, you just kind of can't. Getting the other stuff out of the way.

And I think, I, I think that stoic thing, uh, I got a lot from talking to Chris Williamson this year, actually the modern wisdom podcast, the, which is where that's from.

Um, the, that thing of like going do less better do less do fewer things in a better way yeah do fewer things in a better way be a stand-up just do that and i think emotionally going well your friendship group is spread out across the world and lots of different i think just focusing in again i think you you have a load to give i think it's it feels very exciting it feels like there's a new there's the third act yeah right i i am curious about what that is uh we also talked about death the thing of i'm the youngest of 10 i'm probably gonna have to bury statistically i'm supposed to bury nine and

i think it is i think you may want to invest in a mass grave. It's a lot. It's a lot of people to go. It really is. Yeah, you're right. How many graves does it take? Do I leave it open until the next person? Until they all die? You'd be crazy to close it. What are you talking about?

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. You don't even close it. Someone else, you just go there. You just leave a note saying, throw me in, and then that's the Brennan's. Yeah, when I start to feel very tired, I head toward the grave.

Yes, you're going to have to bury a lot bury a lot and i'm also worried about death it's a weird thing where your siblings still alive yeah because what's the age gap who's the oldest joe he's 66 wow okay yeah so so i i worry about death in uh i don't want to die for my girl like i'm i'm really interested in like being with her and spending as much time with her as i can before i die and yeah i often have that thing like you know before you know when there's turbulence on a plane and you think you're going down what do you think i just hope the cookie gets there before before the plane crash i used to have a thing where i went whenever there was turbulence i would always think i had a pretty good run i had a really good run uh no one yeah i i agree with

you and now i go oh no there's a fear now because of your wife and child children you got babies yeah and you go oh i can't miss that yeah i can't miss that it's the it's a great show on earth yeah no but i i have received some message weird messages about like you're gonna die soon and one of them was on mdma i was like what are you fucking talking about like and they were like no it's fine and then a few people lately have had dreams about me dying so So I'm like, I'm worried. I think the biggest. This feels like this is the bit of the podcast that we're going to have to dig out on that day. No, I'm giving you footage for the documentary.

If they, I think I'd get at least like a YouTube documentary. Yeah. I don't think I'm going theatrical. But now I think about. mean that couldn't be more magical thinking if we were trying to define magical thinking that would be it that i'm not gonna die there's nothing the matter with you you're fine i know do you know what might be good to mark it as a thing of like going to health check go and do something positive that you can you can go i finish with that thought because i think that's going to whir around for a while so if i were you were going to go and get a medical no i thought i

had skin cancer and it was psoriasis so like and the rest of my levels are great so i i don't know and then to two people who said they had a dream about me dying there were different ways so i'm like all right this is i think this is hogwash sorry so you think dreams aren't real because they're not consistent okay i mean also if if two people have a dream and you die in exactly the same way that's just a coincidence don't worry about that right no that's what i like when i figured out when my sister told me how i died i was like all right well that's totally different than the other one so yeah i i you know what maybe we should do a public service announcement if you have a dream about anyone dying maybe just

eat it yeah sit on it just you don't need to share that yeah certainly not with a person that you think is going to die because what are you i know a native american wise man i mean yeah i guess if you are then share it they probably know something yeah yes people don't know how to discern what's like you know spiritual and what's just random but even the thing where i think also taking death as a you know let's be hippies for a second okay i said earlier on a different podcast i think i don't believe in a afterlife but i believe in a next life and i think the old neil is gone i think you were depressed for 25 years you were a different kind of guy and now there's a new you

there's a new phase that the third act whatever we're calling it so that's a new you. There's a new phase, a third act, whatever we're calling it. So that's a type of death and rebirth, as there always is in life. You kind of put that behind you and go, well, this is a new thing. Yeah. I'd also just written a will. Well, that will do it for you because that's such a depressing conversation of like, where does everything go? Yeah. Well, why can't I keep it? Yeah.

Because you're dead. You're like, bury it with me in a pyramid. Yeah. Yes, or in the pit. Yeah. In the pit with the other brothers. Yes. So that's made me philosophical lately.

But I think the things that I would like to accomplish is more consistent joy, some sort of emotional resolution. I want some resolution with some of my issues. And I would like to spend as much time with my lady as possible. Like that's what the, those are my two goals. They're very not professional. It feels very achievable.

I think you have to give yourself a yeah on the through the depression and out the other side and in terms of like closure it's not going to get any better than that right and i i will agree that i i know i've had an amazing life i absolutely know that my life up to this point has been fucking incredible. Yeah. And some sense of that would be good. And I think. You do have a sense of that intellectually.

You can acknowledge that. You know that. And you go, you're thinking I will feel a different way. I think that's an illusion. You think you'll get to the top of the mountain or you'll buy the house or buy the car or get the watch, whatever the thing is that signifies success that you go, I don't feel any different. It's the dopamine thing of going, I need the thing, I need the thing. And then you get the thing and it doesn't feel any different. Yeah. You're probably right. But every once in a while you get something that does feel different. Every once in a while you're overcome with this. I think a little bit of the success in our business goes a long way a while you get something that does feel different every once in a while you're overcome with this i think a little bit of success in our business goes a long way a little you know

once you get the first i don't whatever the thing was for you the netflix special i look around you got the house you go okay we're doing we're doing fine yeah but acknowledging that on a daily basis the gratitude all you've got to do is practice gratitude from my point of view to like to to make good on that first ambition to have closure is just practicing gratitude and you do but it's like just more just more consistent yeah not more yeah more of that more more gratitude before you go to bed when you wake up in the morning just great yeah i'm so great it's i've done things i can't believe it's unbelievable so well you get back to the lack of appreciation yeah that's on you you don't even appreciate how good it is you can't even believe i don't know i i i'm underestimated i'm underrated in my own head

yeah and i experience it from everybody else and that's why i get so mad about it but it's like dude you gotta you started it yeah it's like you you first yeah like you know i have you're right i have to do it uh it's such a pleasure spending time with you. I totally agree. I mean, the podcast is a fun way to look you in the face for an hour and just chat about you. And I think you're great. I think there's only better things ahead. I think it's, you know, your kind of your growth and the fact that you share it with people so openly.

There's a generosity to you that's extraordinary. Thank you. Let's leave it there. Great to see you, man. Love you. Said it on the last one, still mean it. Two hours later. Bye.