Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Iliza Shlesinger

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

Neal Brennan interviews Iliza Shlesinger (Iliza's Locals, Ask Iliza Anything, Good On Paper + more) about the things that make her feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how she is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- Iliza's blocks: 00:00 Intro 3:27 Requirement of vulnerability 23:31 Fiefdoms  42:08 Can’t Watch Projects She Didn’t Get  56:55 Food / Consumerism  1:15:50 What Makes Her Feel Lonely  ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets to Neal's tour Brand New Neal Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, Neil Brennan here. This is my podcast based on my Netflix special blocks where I talk about things that made me feel like something's wrong with me, that I was alone in the world. And then Jimmy Carr said I should have my friends on and have them talk about it. And we do. We do have our friends on and we talk about our vulnerabilities and we heal the world. My guest today, ladies and gentlemen, is a woman I've known for 15, a good 15 years. Used to do her

show on Tuesdays in the belly room. See you next Tuesday. The C word. Yeah. It actually stood for cat. No one knew that at the time. Yeah, it's a long time. I don't think we spoke until after that because I don't have a record of being friends with you.

I don't know. I wouldn't call us friends. Right. Not even now. I mean, I don't. We're respectful. Colleagues. Yes.

Upper colleagues. Friends. Like, I like your husband. You know what I mean? Like, I considered coming to your party. Yeah. That's a license lesson for everybody. You've seen.

It was on the link and you know who it is you clicked for a reason to hate watch it is why they click because it whatever clicks or clicks yeah clicks or clicks all right so i've seen you go from a girl doing a like a low level show and i've seen you just you've ranked up and ranked up and ranked up and ranked up and ranked up and it's great and it's because you write a shitload of jokes and i tell everyone that we're like what i go it's you just have to write more jokes and that's it you got to do the work that's fucking it there's no richard pryor dave chris eddie louis melanie burr fucking schumer Dave, Chris, Eddie, Louie, Mulaney, Burr, fucking Schumer,

it's like they just fucking Wanda. Did you realize on that list you're like I should name some women so I don't get canceled? Wanda. You guys just write a shit load of jokes. You have to write a shit load of good jokes. I just want to put that out there. Right. Well,

the relatively good thing about comedy is I'd say it's fair. You can't get laughs really from garbage. Listen to me. Because it's so fraught with, well, I didn't get this and why didn't I get that? It is uneven and it's unfair, but at the end of the day,

nobody is laughing because someone slept with someone. No one's buying that second ticket out of obligation. So someone might get something i talk about this all the time that you didn't get or they get it for a different reason but nobody sustains a career in stand-up if you're not genuinely funny no one cared like they don't care they never cared that i did chappelle show ever oh that's ever oh it was like all right cool i'll give them a chance well that's the credits at the top. It's like, what do you want me to say? I'm like, it doesn't matter because nobody cares.

Yes. So, all right. So your first block, which I love and lets me know that you came to do it. Well, because it was like very few podcasts are like, yo, send in everything first. And it's just I'm so used to podcasts being like, it's whatever, whatever, or we could do whatever. And I was like, oh, this is like homework. And so I really wanted to treat the assignment like with respect.

Are you a perfectionist? No. Huh. I don't think I got into the colleges I wanted because like I almost refused to proofread anything. I'm like, let's just get it done. I'm the same way. And my career, I look back at jokes.

I'm like, you could have done it more. Yeah, there was more there. There was a whole. And yeah, first first one the requirement of vulnerability what do you mean let me let us know the requirement in life or in in anything else in entertainment and in our society i'm a very sensitive person and I my currency is vulnerability in my act I'm saying something deeply personal that I hope people will agree with and that is how you gain footing you do it in a very I wouldn't call it vulnerable you do have premises that I'm like all right that's a pretty wild thing

to say but you don't say it even the way you hold the mic is pretty like masculine yeah i guess like i talk like i talk about having a miscarriage right so it's vulnerable in that you are opening yourself up to people's criticisms and things like that i wasn't afraid to do it but i think vulnerability like i'm putting your stand-up in and of itself is vulnerable if you make it personal because you're putting out there your take and your sensitivities and however you wrap them is fine but these are things that i these are hills that i would die on and i'm putting it out there to be skewered by someone else or even just talking to you is a vulnerable thing because people online have no obligation to be kind and so that hasn't been my experience but go ahead it's all

just it's all you block words don't you don't you block words on twitter and instagram and all that oh yeah but i mean look you left one magic really harsh word leave a c word in yeah just if you want it you just want to get real no but i i think so it's less that and more we require women, like you have to be vulnerable at the drop of a hat and your vulnerability, the validity of it is gauged by whomever you are speaking to, meaning like smile more or she seems like a bitch or why don't you let them in? And so whatever you're feeling, you have to, like, it's required that that mutate and ebb and flow based on what someone else wants off of you i feel that with women oftentimes you know when you turn in writing not today because of the

strike when you turn something in your female protagonist isn't vulnerable enough she's not likable enough right because she's not bleeding and blowing someone and so that's frustrating because even as a woman i judge other women i'm I'm like, oh, that was that was aggressive. But then it's like, was it really or was she just doing what I would have done? All right. So you think it's a double standard because my stand up is fucking very vulnerable. I mean, you know, I mean, like my Netflix's are very vulnerable. Like that's the thing about them.

I get the thing on camera. I get like writing or I get characters. camera i get like writing or i get characters do you think in general in the world women are more vulnerable than men just generally by existing like physically yes we are softer we are not physically as strong and so i think there's that and then it's that must be frustrating i i talk about that a lot that must just be frustrating as a woman. Like, I have a joke that I've written, which is like, you know who's super misogynistic? God. Because God's a woman. People are always like, God's awful.

I'm like, it's because she hates other women. Yeah. No, it's like real disadvantages. I talked about this in my stand-up a couple specials ago. But yeah, that is not something i have to think about as much just because i am a woman so i'm like this is the way it is but like you don't have to think you might about like your bodily protection you have 150 pounds like i know i was like thinking i'm like what should i wrestle you there is that there is like you can't always

say what you want because you don't know if someone could just like physically overpower you you know and that's why in our sitcoms the wife is always a bitch and always punching up because at the end of the day, the joke is the man is physically stronger. Right. But it's less about that and more just about this requirement. Like in dating, it's like, why don't you let him in?

Like we're supposed to walk around as these giant open wounds and then you can decide if that was soft enough for you. Right. Or you be vulnerable and then I'll decide if I want you or not. That's exactly right. You're going to get rejected.

I'm just on my way somewhere. I'm just, I was just going to Starbucks. Like even in, you know, I think about when I do people's podcasts, like that, not that you read the comment section, but the feedback of like, oh, that person seems like a bitch or they seem tough. And you're like, oh, I'm just, I'm sorry that I wasn't crying. And I think that we trade in trauma. There's's this I'm talking about this now on stage like there is a reward for sharing your trauma show us how broken you are and how much you deserve what you have

men don't do that as much and it's great when people open up but it's like what can I find that makes me valid that's so broken about me that and so i i do have a mansion because i worked hard versus like no i just like got money and like yeah no i know you can't women can't just be brazen capitalists but it is fun to bond over that but like the the go-to is always here's my trauma and this validates it hillary clinton i think was talking to oprah or about oprah but. But the thing that Oprah always had to be, there had to be a giant charity element to Oprah. There kind of had to be one for Ellen, too. To do what?

I'm giving away. Turtles. All these turtles. I mean, whatever. Fucking cars with Oprah. Or there was like a benevolence to them or like something maternal about them. Yeah. Or Ellen had to give a ton of money to charity and have on like good, feel good stories.

I agree. To offset. Totally agree. Not just public opinion, but it makes you more worthy. And you, one must be demonstrative of your altruism, particularly when you're a woman with a ton of money to show that you're not a monster. Yeah. But meanwhile, Elon Musk, like guys are supposed to be pieces of shit. Literally have a whole bit about this that I'm doing now. It's rewarded in men like this brazen capitalism. this brazen capitalism.

I'll just tell you the joke. It's basically like you see some guy in like a realtor billboard. He's got a semi-automatic rifle and a 10-gallon hat. He's like, I'm Dollar Dan. I'll get you the best deal.

And we're like, oh, this lunatic, I want him. With women, it's like, I'm Susan. I do the most for small businesses and women in the community

and little bitty babies and hamsters. You never see a woman with like a full magazine like, you know, come with me. Click i mean running for office but that's oh for sure that's all yeah that's a whole other thing yeah politics yeah you gotta have a gun but you're absolutely right and i can totally understand how fucking aggravating that must be it's aggravating too because if i don't and i trade

in trauma like i literally trade it like yes my new blocks is not traumatic enough i swear to god like i watched some clips and i was like i don't have any of these issues am i am i a fraud no no but the the stand-up part like the netflix is like the last one my dad died and I have depression my dad died and like told me he left me out of the will that's like all right people were like all right that's traumatic enough yeah we're good and this was like I just feel isolated and lonely and people were like literally people wouldn't review it because it wasn't like trauma porny enough there's that there's a certain level of trauma that like you need to categorically be in before people will take it like this is serious work that's interesting so ellen gets that thing

of like is ellen i do a joke about like is ellen nice steve harvey had a list of his demands on his uh rider or whatever and they were way worse than anything ellen got accused of and no one gave a shit it's and no one even pointed out like yo this is a fucking wild double standard but the other block is the fear that i have in communicating that because the more vocal type of man on the internet will like automatically like i'm a witch for saying that and it's not a trauma trade-off like if this is not to negate anything from your experience of losing your dad or anything a man goes through this is just me saying what bothers me is that as a woman i need to like bleed for this and then it's decided right if it's enough and that's bullshit for you because

you're like this was really awful they're like not good enough and that's not for you because you're like, this was really awful. They're like, not good enough. And that's not for anyone to judge that. Like, find yourself in someone else. But don't require that I walk around smiling, bleeding, blowing people. Yeah. To like decide if like I might want to like her. Well, the other reason I did the three mics one was because because I don't I'm not as charismatic as everybody. So I'm like, let me explain why I'm not as charismatic. Because I grew up in fucking chaos.

Right. So I'm sorry. Just know that. Now decide. And so many people were like, dude, I hated you before. And then I was like, I knew you did. Now you don't have to hate me because I have actual problems that I just seem like Dave's plus one. Nope me because i have actual problems that i just seem like dave's plus

one nope hard worker with actual problems now what now what and then people go okay oh bye well they'll have to judge you just on your personality the way you treat them fine like i'll take but it's not i'm not even talking about peers i'm talking about audience members right um then you're not going to you're not going to talk to them that's fair oh i think what you're talking about is likability and perceived likability i totally but i totally agree what i'm saying is you do things and you're uh because you're good looking everybody's fine with it all right i'm sorry nobody people are like she's this i'm sorry everyone hates you yeah like she's this i'm sorry everyone hates you yeah she's this she's that she thinks whatever whatever if delia jokoi like

very great performers do it it's like cool and fun and not manipulative whereas you're they accuse you with things that they would never accuse anybody else sure i guess at a certain level i think i will say like the privilege of being at this level is that the jokes are the jokes i'm not really as susceptible susceptible to like the feedback of the regular person like you also have your audience i feel like for sure um and there is that trade-off of like i can talk about vulnerable things that and it might be more palatable than if i got it's easier yes it's also easier from your success level people aren't going to just see some comedian but it's like the other i'm not

positive how this works do i just like say block and then i talk about something else no you can see we literally will just put them up even if you don't consider it a block the vulnerability the required vulnerability as a commodity, I think is bullshit. I think be vulnerable when you want, but this, but requiring it and demanding it. Don't you think it's maybe just a part of show business? Like Harrison Ford has to be likable. Do you know what I mean? Like he doesn't have to be girly likable, but he has to be likable.

He has to be like Harrison Ford, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. These guys are fucking charismatic as shit. Some people are like Eddie Murphy is maybe the most charismatic person who's ever lived. Like there are people that are so off the charts with it and have to then behave a certain way. But but I don't think that there's I don't let me just there. a certain way. No. But I don't think that there's... I don't...

Let me just... We know people who are fucking monsters that because they make enough people enough money are super successful and they're still in those upper echelons.

So I think it helps. I think the difference is being a good person that is charismatic, when you fall, people will root for you to rise back up. And then there are people

who are awful and they're really successful but when they fall, there's no one there to catch them and they stay down. Yes, but I agree. The thing that I was saying is like there is a certain amount of you have to be like – and I'm not talking about off camera. I'm talking about just on camera.

Are you talking about – Oh, I'm talking about off camera. I'm talking about – You're talking about like you're – if you're a woman and you're too bossy or whatever. I'm talking about an interview like something real like this i did say the protagonist thing because it is a lazy note that you often get and it's like why is she unlikable what did she really do other than be real but no i'm talking about off camera on camera you can't buy that you're either likable you're not yeah you're

either you either got it or you don't right you could be playing a bad guy and still like voldemort's likable everyone in movies ste Steve Buscemi is kind of good looking in person. He plays like bring in the ugly guy. And then you see him in person. You're like, he's cement. Like, yes, he's like good. Like, you have to be good. The camera exaggerated the teeth.

OK, so you're talking about behind the scenes. We're talking about the regular discussion in Hollywood. And we're talking about podcasts, interviews, soundbites, Instagram posts, just things like that are native and real and how like you are rewarded for being like, and here's my trauma. Yeah. And you can have that trauma in your way of working through it. But then it's like, I was so anxious coming on here because I was like, if I say I don't have OCD or something else that people are afflicted with, then it's going to be like, wow, she thinks she's perfect. And you're just like, I just don't have those things. And I'm not going to pretend that I have.

Well, you know, what's funny is at a certain point, someone's going to fake it. Not on here. I'm talking about someone's going to do a special about a thing that happened to them. That I promise you it's going to happen. Yeah. I promise you it'll happen. I know someone who's like, I don't think that someone's trauma happened in a show. No, no.

That's what you're talking about happens all the time. It happened to me. I wrote a movie about it. Someone lied about their mom having cancer. People are already lying about cancer. And because there is the sensationalism around poor mental health. Like it is glamorized. It's commodified. I literally wrote a joke today.

I don't think people should commodify poor mental health except for me on Netflix. But if you actually have it, like it's your, I firmly believe in comedy. Whatever you've been through, cancer, a mental illness, a loss. If you live through a trauma that is yours to do with what you will. That's the only upside. Yeah. But I think people will exacerbate something because you kind of want the attention for it. I'm not saying who

I'm not saying when they've done this, but I feel like people will get angry that I said that I'm like, but I'm not wrong because it's so delicious, especially if there's nothing specific about you and you're like, well, I guess I could play into this, play it up, and then it's rewarded. People do it all the time. It's called like Munchausen. I mean, yes.

No, but I often think like I'm out of problems. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like I don't have another sad structure. By the way like if something happened to you like that's really awful

often times but often times you don't want to talk about it. Like when you're there's that whole like performative thing like you're online

and you're like hey you guys I'm just going through a tough time. Like when something really awful happens that like brings you to your knees

you often don't want to exploit it. Like people who have serious mental health issues, like they're like, this is not a good time. I am not wanting to share this. Like it is a battle. And so that's what gives me pauses.

I'm like, you talk about this a lot and I don't know that it's in the name of bravery. I don't know that it's in the name of like sharing it. So you'll be brave. Like maybe. No. Yeah. But if you don't get a hundred thousand likes on this you're gonna be disappointed yeah but that soda company like is sponsoring

this post so yeah i totally agree and i just think there's gonna be so there's gonna be like a like what happened to steve rinnezzese but if he made a show about it steve rinnezzese is a buddy of ours who said he was in 9-11 for some reason. Literally just said it and then it like. Said it and forget it. He just said it spread. I told him like he had 25 seconds to go. I just said that.

I don't know why. But after 25 seconds, you're a psychopath if you say. I said that and I don't know why. Like he just got stuck with a dumb thing in the comedy store parking lot. Right. But it'll be like a bigger, it'll be that but bigger. I believe. You think it's coming. Yeah. That's your life. I don't know who.

I don't know what. Take a guess who. After this I'll be like, if I said a name you'd be like, yeah, that person. Yes. For sure. Yeah, we'll see. I actually don't have a person in mind. No, I don't either. I truly don't. I was just thinking if I could get you to be like maybe. I don't have a person in mind. i don't i truly don't i was just seeing if i could get you but i know no i truly i don't have a person in mind it's just gonna it's inevitable because there's such a premium put on it now it's like being it's like being young

uh being meant mental illness is the new youth because it's so hot it's so hot and then like i think about this and i'm like oh god you're, you're just going to get so many DMs. Because people take things so personally, which is why comedy is in trouble. Because it's like, I actually have this disorder. If you have it, then you have it. And you should be on our side, annoyed that people exploit it. I actually don't even think comedy is in trouble. No, it's not so much trouble as much as...

It's just a pain in the ass. Your setups have to be longer. What? That's how I see it. Your setups have to be longer. You just have to go like caveat, caveat, caveat. And that's another... Here's the...

Because people aren't smart enough to just get it. I'm fine. I actually... I think it's... First of all, I think people are exhausted by it. People aren't that moral. We pretend we were for like six or seven years now we're just gonna go yeah we're oh i don't think it's about being moral i think

it's about performative ethics like i said israel on stage the other night and i heard the crowd gasp yeah people don't they just hear words that they know are words we're all gonna get in trouble we're like we don't even know what i'm talking about. I agree. It's performative ethics. But I think people are starting to realize there was, I read an article this week about people on Twitter trying to get on Mulaney because he had Chappelle on his show a year ago. One show, Dave did time before him. John hugged him on the way out. And then people were like, he supports a transphobe

and it just got no traction and the guy was pointing out this may be the biggest performative ethics period may be behind us those kind of things

all you gotta do is get the right twitter bot person to hold that torch and just get the right amount of movement on the right day. Yep. On one day that would take down someone's career and the next day it wouldn't. And that's what's so scary. Yeah. And then all of a sudden anyone that sponsors you or wants to do it, they just know we don't want. Nobody wants to deal with it.

deal with it that's what's so dangerous about the words that we say is that they're taken out of context or something you did years ago is upheld by today's values and standards yeah everything's this anachronism that's put against what's happening now and everybody's lost their fucking mind it's just i just told somebody the other day it's fucking bell bottoms everyone wore bell bot yeah we wore bell bottoms they were fucking stupid i we were not bell bottom people but i'm saying like it was a fad yeah people used to say different words they and they had replaced worse words before that like it's it's also fucking uh stupid but i but i agree with you that it can be like a scary brush fire but i i don't mind uh walking the laser thing and like fig it's to me it's more in some ways more fun to say what you want to say i say what i want to say and if you disagree you don't even know you disagree yes because i said the words you wanted yes and but

but i yes but yes truly and if you're clever enough which i believe you are you can do i believe i understand what you're saying though with the the likability just the requirements the requisites for or femininity or uh the amount of shit women have to deal with from men from god and from other women it's just like it would make me really mad if i were a woman fiefdoms fiefdoms fiefdoms fiefdoms fiefdoms fiefdoms fiefdoms i pronounce it fiefdoms no one's a instrument okay i could also yeah one's an instrument i could do the the. I could do the old Google Do it. Do the old it wouldn't be a podcast unless someone went on a

It wouldn't be a podcast unless I got checked for something and called out and turned out I was wrong. Fiefdom. Fiefdom. Fiefdom. Fiefdom. Fiefdom. Are you going to keep that in? Yeah. Because if I got it wrong, I'd be like, please take it out.

It shows my vulnerability. Oh, my God. I like you so much more now. So much hotter. Thiefdom. Thiefdom. Tell me. What about it?

From the outside in, you seem very boundaried. I had the thought driving here. I was like, i wonder if your husband ever wins arguments we don't really argue we have a role reversal sort of in our house like he's like the super grounded organized one like he's the one that's like we need to get our daughter home for her nap i'm like let's stay out uh she's like let's party why can't we party just a half hour more i want to look at shoes I cringe at like the standard couples arguments and I don't want to have them. I'm like, I'm a comic. Like we are feral animals. Like it's great

that we have this nice house, but like, I don't want to bicker. And so Noah always says to me, he's like, the good news is he's like, when I do something wrong, you move on very quickly. He's like, the bad news is Eliza, when you do something wrong, you move on very quickly. Yeah. I'm just like, I don't want to do like, I'm sorry. I know if I'm wrong, I'm sorry,

but I don't, I actually love my husband. So like, I don't ever want to make him, you don't want to learn too much. No, I don't want to learn too much. It also just like,

doesn't matter. You know, like the little things that you argue about, it's like, who cares? I, I'm very defensive. So that's fair.

And I'm like a scorekeeper and I'm like, well, no, no, that's not fair. That's not exactly fair. Right. I want very defensive. That's fair. And I'm like a scorekeeper. And I'm like, no, no, no. That's not fair. That's the comic in you. That's not exactly fair. Right.

I want it exactly. Chabelle one time said, I've never seen someone more obsessed with fairness than you. I'm like, no. It's got to be. In what? Like in a relationship? Relationships. Society.

Unless it benefits me. And then it's perfect. Totally. Well, yeah. That's why. Human being. Hello. But like relationships

contribution it's like hey you did your i cooked you did the dishes like shit like that you can't do that also but that what you're saying i mean now you're not the first person to like think that you're like i bet your husband never because i love this person like my goal is always to be kind to that person yeah and when we first started dating he I think he had some feedback or some some note about something and he was like I you need to understand that I'm always on your side and once you really click in with someone that like they're not trying to get you or they're not trying to get anything like so anything he says to me I'm like this is coming from a good place versus like, Eliza, you did something bad.

What are his notes for you? It's usually about like the way I put away a dish that he needed. Straight up? Like I cleaned out a pot yesterday and I saw it was back in the sink. And I was like, I cleaned that. He's like, oh, there was crab juice on it. Because his things are important to him because it's like a working kitchen. Right.

So it's usually like a note about that or I mean, he's such a like low maintenance guy. The guy owns like three shirts. Now that you tell me that you're like, let's move on. I also can see that. Yeah. Like I can't be bothered. Like, yeah, I don't want that. I don't want to get stuck on this.

Like my career is crumbling. I don't have time to talk about like I was arguing about dinner. Is your career always crumbling? Is that in my mind? Yeah. It isn't yours in your mind. Like if the phone doesn't ring all day, I'm like, guess that's the death knell well yeah i mean if i don't hear back from someone in an hour i'm like well it was nice knowing them uh yeah goodbye relationship my manager will be like eliza it's been 48 hours i'm

like takes two seconds to say yes did you not see the text i've asked people to turn off their red like when i see they've read their texts i I'm like, can you turn that off? You have to have that off. No, who has red receipts on? No, I know like five people have them on. I'm like, what are you doing? Are they older?

Because sometimes like my dad doesn't know his are on. Yeah, but then someone specifically leaves them on so that they know. I mean, it could be used for power. How do you not know

if you read something? No, no, no. So that the other person knows. They want you to know. It's a little psychopathic. I bet I know who it is. It's the same person who's lying about their one person show. All right.

So what are your, what fiefdom? Fiefdom, like everybody, for those who don't know what that is, like everybody wants their kingdom. Everybody wants to be the leader of their kingdom. Everybody wants to be the leader of their kingdom. And I was having a chat with a friend yesterday who's like one of those like VC, you know, very intelligent women that like runs in these circles. And I think people start out to be inclusive, but I don't know if capitalism by nature is capitalist ventures by nature are not inclusive things. And so I think about like they're not democratic. And yeah i would and neither is like showbiz yeah i guess i remember forever ago i there was this thing called the wing

that the woman's uh yeah the woman part of me was like i mean i i get why you're like i just want a space like i can just be with girls or whatever um and i was just like oh what's this about and i went online and I looked at an application. And it seems so ridiculous that I'm reticent to say this because I'm like, what if I misread this, but I don't think I did. And one of the questions was like, what have you done? Or like, how have you helped feminism?

And I was just like, how can I burn this application? Like, how fucking dare you? And you know what happened. Like, the head woman was a monster and so i think people start out to like have this thing but like absolute power corrupts absolutely and 100 of the time it's never it never hasn't it's undefeated it's undefeated so i guess just looking at that it's always like it's a place this is a group for women we want women and there's always something and this happens with men too but it's usually like in the vein of like sexual

assault but like something bubbles up everybody wants to like rule over their friends and have their thing and their aesthetic and do their thing and i'm not like a fiefdom person like i you're like a lone wolf i'm a lone wolf with like my group of friends but like i don't feel the like there's something about fiefdoms in general just about like no this is the hbic or like this is you take you'll take a meeting um like let's say you're gonna do a project you know and you have to hear about like that celebrity well he's really into this and this and he doesn't like this and you're just like i don't want to live in your world i only want to live in my world which is my own fiefdom but still being a guest

in someone else's well what you're saying because i'm on your side on this which is my own fiefdom but still being a guest in someone else's well what you're saying because i'm on your side on this which is i approve this block i'm neil brennan i approve this block somebody asked me to open for him like a great rock wanted me to open for him five years ago christopher rock christopher rock and great friend and one of my one of the greatest comedians that ever lived and i was like no and he's like come on man and i was like you want me to go out i get a massage for 12 minutes and then you get a massage for an hour and a half i was like let me just stay home and get you know what i mean like it's just i don't want and he's like yeah you're right he's like he goes I had a therapist one time say no one wants to live on another person's schedule

no one wants to live on another person's schedule no one wants to live on another person's uh ethic I mean if it's if I agree with them let's do it but if not like I don't want to you're not his I don't want to be I can't be a person's satellite at i'm too old and i don't want to live in fear of someone not only that you know you're not on a payroll i mean you would have gotten paid for that in hugs and kisses maybe but just especially when you have your own thing you know like when you're on someone else's schedule he's running late or you're in a meeting well he's really into space and cowboys you're're like, I don't fucking care Yeah I don't care what this person cares about because I care about my thing and I don't know why we're together And I think a lot of times people like let's put these two comics together

It's like comedically you and I could have different goals in a conversation your goal could be like you come in drunk and you Love to like tell your dick jokes and i could be wanting to talk about something softer and like these things don't always go yeah and i think you should force people to be in other people's fiefdoms on their schedules around their time i don't know if this is a good block no no no i know it is because you will admit you have a fiefdom you're i would argue that you're not trying to indoctrinate anybody right you're like not going like like maybe if you're opener if you have an opener you're like hey you

need to get off at 15 there are certain things like i'm not this isn't like a culture this isn't like specifically eliza needs you to get off at 15 it's like no you're doing 15 minutes okay don't run the light yeah like i think a lot of times we see women that like they want their group and it becomes like a culty mean girl thing. It's not just women. No, it's not. It's not.

I'm just giving examples whether it's, the good news is there's so many versions and so many brands over and can find their thing, but it does feel like there's this, and maybe that's because I'm a comic. Like if I remember I had a friend, it was a couple and I was friends with them by way of another friend and they were the best looking out of their whole friend group. And I remember going had a friend, it was a couple and I was friends with them by, by way of another friend.

And they were the best looking out of their whole friend group. And I remember going over their house one time for dinner and I was like, this is by design that you guys are hot and you're friends with a bunch of uggos. So you can feel better about yourself. And they were successful. And all the friends were like hoping the guy would do them a favor. Like everybody was like a little beneath them. And I was so skeeved out by it because I was like, you don't't you aren't friends with anyone who's better than you you don't want to better

yourselves you just want to feel good about being around people that are lower than you yeah on a hollywood scale and i always thought that was i i would love friends that are better than me i would too i can't find them you are friends with chris rock i know but I don't think he's better than me. I'm kidding. You don't. No, I trust me. It's a different product. Trust me. I've had long thoughts about this. And it's a place I've gotten to where it's like, all right, I have to be.

You don't want to live in relation to somebody. I do have a question, though, a possible hypocrisy that I don't know the answer to. Meaning, when you did your show on Netflix don't know the answer to meaning when you did your show on netflix who wrote for it and when you did your movie who wrote it and directed it i wrote my movie okay by yourself yes okay and then did you and i'm not saying like you i'm just saying like there was usually there's no i'll be like right with this i wrote, which is why there's only an A storyline. And who wrote for your TV show and what sort of culture do you think you had around it? My TV show, I was a writer on it.

And then there were like four other writers. We had two guys, two girls. We would come in at like 10. hold for a pause well we didn't have a bigger budget we couldn't have like more writers but i wrote a bunch of those skits as well we come in the biggest question of the day was where we're gonna get lunch yeah and of course you're writing for my voice but like some like one of those people like wrote on snl like i just wanted people that were better than i was and in fact i chose my writers packets blindly of all the ones submitted i had the names taken off because I was like

I just want to pick based off how funny these things are and then they went home like I wasn't like anyone has to hang out with me like I don't know good no I'm with you I'm like sort of means testing I wonder if I also wrote this

there's this brand that's like a very girly brand, right? And I ordered, I went in and I don't, I ordered some jeans. And after several days of the jeans not arriving way past when they said they would, I got an email that was like, oops, looks like we sold you something that was out of stock. Your refund will come in like 10 to 12 business years. Here's a coupon for next time. And that cool girl like,

oops, we didn't do our jobs. It's going to take a while to get your money back. Be cool. Be a clean girl. That just bothered me. And I was like, I don't like that girl. I don't like that girl vibes.

I feel like you have double binds about feminism. Oh, yeah. And like you're a living double bind where you're like, women are oppressed and women have it worse than men. Yep. I didn't say that. Oh, yeah. And like you're a living double bind where you like women. Are oppressed and women have it worse than men. Yeah, I didn't say that. I just said, OK, whatever.

Like, I don't think you're no one's going to say that. Whatever. There's no female oppression. If Google Robey went and but then you also are like, but I don't like this culture. I don't I don't like this culture. I don't. I don't like this fake feminist culture. Because I think what's required is, oh, you're a woman. That means you can't criticize anything. That's like, no, that's bullshit. This and I talk about this in my last special.

These words that we use in this fourth wave feminism to appeal to women like what up, rock star mama? I'm like, just give me my fucking money back. Yeah. back yeah now yeah because you sold me something that was bullshit yeah not like hey cool girl yeah nice middle part uh queen hey queen queen so look about the pants and by meanwhile it's a bot meanwhile you know that you're out of the pants don't make me feel like hey we're just trying to elevate you in this like tapered it's a women it's a women's business for women's it's probably a chinese dude no i mean of course that's the that's also like the fucking the one of the problems with any any of these movements is it's very hard to say, eh, I don't know. This is a bullshit movement.

This part of it's bullshit because then you're condemning your anti-feminist or you're racist. Well, here's my block because I could go back and forth arguing these things all day. Like, you could look at something like Goop and everybody rolls their eyes, right? Because of whatever. But I would argue, you know, at the end of the day, if you make a lot of money, don't you want an elevated experience? So let her sell women $400 lotions. Not everything can be like a Target rummage sale. People hate the rich, but then when they become rich, they're like, well, I'm loving this.

And so all of this language that's so fraught and people are so angry and they're like well i'm loving this and so all of this this language that's so fraught and people are so angry and they're always on their instagrams talking you know about how fucked up everything is it's like you fucking wish you had that much money well everyone people go money doesn't buy happiness everyone goes let me check sure makes it a lot easier yeah let me just make sure that this is true i believe you but i just have to see for myself you have conflict with movements and then you have conflict about your conflict and then you have conflict about your conflict about your comp like yes you're and you the thing i like about your act is like you are kind of open about it and it does make you a target for easy criticism of like anti-feminist or whatever there's just certain things now where

it's public there's a public movement and then people go and if you go ah too soon if you do it too soon right then people have an issue like all that like yes girl rock star mama queen all the stuff that they stole from black and gay and trans drag queens forever ago. At the time, everyone was like, this is the way to talk. And I always hated it. Yeah. And enough time has gone by now that that's the popular opinion. Like, ugh, don't say unicorn tears.

And it's like, but you all participated in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the burden of being a comic is that you call bullshit ahead of time. And if you're ahead of the curve then people are like oh you're a heretic burn that person and you're like you'll see i'm right you ever see steve harvey on comedians and cars he goes him and simon are talking about like when there's a tragedy steve harvey goes we have the joke within five minutes of the tragedy he's like we just can't say it oh no uh but so but there are lots

of these movements where you and then corporations go we stand with x group and you go what are you talking about somebody made a fucking excellent like instagram video where it was like uh black lives matter stop asian hate the indigenous lives And he goes, now this sounds like all lives matter. Oh, that's funny. And it was like, fuck, I don't mean all. You can't. But no one can say, is that a huge problem? Because everything is happening at real time at a billion miles an hour.

You are subjected to the scrutiny of whomever is looking in that moment. And if they're having a bad day and they are like i don't like neil and this matches up with this agenda that's then it it becomes and corporations can't say i don't know asian hate isn't that big an issue for us they have the ability to make a choice like with bud light they're like no we're gonna support this trans person and then fuck you but they never they can't ever go the other way and be like well they can't they can just be quiet they can just not that's other way and be like, well, they can. They can just be quiet. They can just not. That's the thing. It's like, who fucking needed,

how greedy and stupid are you that you're like, we need to break into the trans market. You fucking idiots. They're not going to drink Bud Light. I bet they, I mean. Or they are. I think it's more about the gesture. Well, now they have to.

You have to. You have to drink bad beer too. Yeah. You have to join a frat. Because of all what they did for you. I say swing that pendulum and then just let it come back to the middle. Do you have any

checks on your own fiefdom? I also have noticed the thing where people think if I say I hate fiefdoms, that means I don't have one. Exactly right. I don't know that I'm famous enough to truly have one. I and that's i don't i don't know that i'm uh famous enough to truly have one you know i think my fan base is i don't but i don't think it's fan i think it's a matter

of like people who work for you like i don't you know bill burr doesn't have an assistant and i heard that and i was like i don't have an assistant people like you know i'm like i don't want someone around all the time i have it does that when he's way busier than I am. I. And I'm like, good. That's shocking to me. He's the same. Because it's some Catholic shit where we just, to me, it's like constantly have people watching us.

Well, my assistant, I don't make her come in all the time. No, I'm actually hyper cognizant of it because I'm always like, I'll text you if I need you to come in, but you can work remotely. Like who wouldn't want that job? Yeah. I also never want a young girl to feel bad working for me. So I'm like, perks are you get all this free shit. the worst part is you got to pick me up from the airport yeah so if there's any indoctrination is that you must learn that you have to get me from the airport other than that but you pay them of course but it's still in merch in old merch in

old merch um all right here the one that i thought of on the way here did i write something else no there's more okay what would you think of the way here? Did I write something else? No, there's more. What did you think of the one here? I don't know if it's competitive. I cannot watch anything that I read for. Oh, okay. If you've auditioned for something and didn't get it,

that project is an enemy for life. I can't watch it. I can't watch it. And so I can't watch The Mandalorian. I couldn't watch it. And so like, I can't watch The Mandalorian. I couldn't watch Babylon. I couldn't like, I have read for so many major comedy, like motion pictures and so many TV shows, some of them not even comedies.

And granted, there's not enough hours in the day, but like, I couldn't watch Ms. Maisel. And I finally watched it. I'm like, the show is so good. Did you watch all of it? No, my mom was visiting and she was like, come in, we're watching Miss Maisel. And then I half watched and half let her explain. So any old episode was good to you? I just happened to come in. It wasn't the first episode? No. Okay. But like I knew it was going on and it was so good. But I think, you know, this career, it's so, there's so much rejection especially if you act as well and constantly pitching shows and

it always like breaks my heart a little and people are like what are you going to do more movies and you're like i am trying we're talking like 12 page auditions like trying so hard and then to not get it like it's not personal but at the same time i think of michael scott like it's business it's the most personal thing there is like yeah it's hard for me not to attach like when speaking of which i wasn't allowed to direct an episode of the office me neither no i didn't why i wasn't a lot uh i believe it's because i hadn't watched it enough oh it was like the second season or something okay oh wow i hadn't watched it enough my buddy mike sure was one of like yeah yeah had people yeah and i just said something in the meeting that was like the worst thing i could

have said yeah but i got a list of those i literally have a list of like scrubs no thank i just done chapelle show right no thank you like i can't no thank you and you're like well thank you no thank you no thank you and you can't help but take it personally. They're my, it's a, it's a, it's a blood libel. It's a, it's a, it's a, they're my enemies for life. Right. Thank you. Like, if you reject me, I, and I, now here's my defense of, because it's, I have the same

block, which is like vendetta based on hurt. Right. So if I'm like, i'm not fucking watching the office like now i'm not going to because they reject it the thing is like we have personal relationships with these project these projects like these like hey and it's like no i know that thing that thing hurt my feelings yes are we being idiots or are we is it self-care i don't know and i think it depends on the project and like i'm not watching the mandalorian but that has nothing it has less to do with me not getting it and more to do with like it's just not the

thing that i watch and i'm i don't think they need me but there's enough rejection and sometimes you get things through but there's enough rejection that you you're just like why do i want to watch the the group have fun without me and i could have been good at that and i don't know why it's a part you didn't get invited to why would i stand at the window do you want to come to the premiere like no that feels really shitty and it does feel like because there is so much to consume out there in terms of media it does feel more and more like homework. Like the amount of times you're like, I got to watch this thing because everyone said it was good and you're not having fun.

I do watch The Office every night before I go to bed. Sure. So if you need me to direct. So that's difficult because I find myself closing myself off to information in terms of self-preservation. like when I met my husband I think we watched Frasier every night for like three years and there were great things happening on TV but when you feel so left out consistently and all you have is stand-up and not to say that isn't great but like it's not they're not connected it's not like you're a great stand-up therefore

you're gonna be an incredible movie star. It just starts to hurt. That's the honest truth. I mean, what I've learned or come to with all these things is like, you know, there's an old, there's like a 12-step program saying, which is rejection is God's protection. Take it or leave it. But you just, I've come to the place of like,

I wasn't supposed to direct The Office. I wasn't supposed to direct The Office. I wasn't supposed to direct Parks and Rec. Words I view years later. Yeah, of course. But and then the ones I did direct, like I directed a New Girl episode. I directed a Mindy episode. It's like it didn't it was just like grist for the mill. It wasn't nothing.

It wasn't riveting in any way. I wasn't a great fit. Right. So you go like you'll end up getting and doing the right things. A hundred percent. Ultimately. That is the holistic view. And that's the healthy way to do it.

But it wasn't. I didn't get here drinking smoothies. Yeah. It wasn't healthy. I was drinking fucking bile. I was drinking my own bile of like negativity and cost sickness. It has taken years for me to like not get angry, not call and yell, like, and just realize as bad as this feels, it's going to feel better soon. And that just takes practice because you get

rejected from things. You know, I had a casting director come up to me once. I was at something else and I was like, oh, how did, and I knew the movie and it was a big movie and i was like oh i hope that when they cast someone who didn't make any sense and this person to this day i'm like what the fuck was that yeah and he comes this cast comes up to me and he just goes i was like how'd it go he goes it should have been you and i was like what and he's like i don't know what happened I don't know why the director it should have been you and you were my pick and I'm like don't tell me that I I'm happy with that I would take that that's better to me that's better than nothing that's better than a locked it also kind of doesn't matter because then of course it doesn't matter but and you'll never know the reason I guess coming out the I mean part of it is like, you'll get the thing you're going to get. And then at a certain point you're like, okay, but I'm 40 now. So when is I

going to? Yeah. But what do you make of how you thought your life was going to go and how it went? Well, I guess I didn't have any thoughts on how it was going to go. And that's the tough thing. I'm supposed to have these answers. Like I knew I was going to do this, this and this. And I always had these specific ambitions. It's I just thought I would be funny for a living. And I don't even know that when I was younger, it was necessarily stand up. Of course, we all wanted to be on Saturday Night Live when you're little because that's what was available. That was the go-to thing. And it's a great show. Yeah.

And you're a kid in Dallas, Texas. You're like, I'm going to be on SNL or in Living Color. And so the goal was always, there was never, I didn't know about the comedy store or the improv or writer's rooms or any of this stuff when I got to LA. I just knew I was funny

and I knew that the people that I whether I was friends with weren't gonna support that and I was gonna do it regardless like I wasn't gonna like wait for some validation and I just started doing stand-up and I have to be honest all of that rejection I would just go to the clubs and I would just do my stand-up I would just go to the clubs and I would just do my standup. And so here we are with that. And thank God, would it be great to be successful in doing other things? But like,

what's so great about Santa was like, you don't need anybody's permission aside from the audience. Yes. And what I would also say is Richard Pryor is not remembered for his movies. Not the toy, not the toy, not stir crazy in living color on the first episode did a sketch about richard pryor movies and it was it was a parody of richard

pryor movies called scared for no reason which is just like it you know some people some comedians have had great shows great movies but to me and this is my own personal like carlin didn't do anything right like like i still think public oration is the coolest fucking thing in the world and as somebody who like made a tv show and movie like i know i've done all that other shit it's still the cool to me, the coolest thing. It's the most instantly gratifying. Everybody wants to be a stand-up comic. Everybody. And when I do get parts on awesome projects,

you're sitting around waiting in your trailer five hours in. You're like, why am I doing this? This is the worst. This is the worst. And I had 5,000 people screaming for me last night. And now I'm in line for free tater tots. Yeah. So it is this weird, like it doesn't necessarily translate.

And I obviously continue to like do those projects because I like to exercise those parts of my mind. But just in terms of the block, I have to push myself to watch things. And I'm normally happy that I did it because the burn of being excluded from things, cool kids clubs, projects, things in general, like it's still fresh. And it was just for so many years. How many people did you reject for your movie? Hundreds.

No. Like we asked Ryan Hansen. No, no, no, no, no. People auditioned? We gave the parts. Okay. I called Margaret Cho and I was like, we wrote this for you. We didn't have a big budget.

Like we weren't going to get like Chris Hemsworth. No, no, no. I just thought you auditioned people to play stuff. Maybe for a couple of really minor parts, but we really, I will say this because I know how shitty auditioning is. And I get so frustrated when people are weirdly precious. I'm like, it's a line. Give it to me. Give it to me. I, I can be trusted with comedic integrity for hours at a time on a stage. Oh, and so we gave them Kimmy Gatewood was the director. She gave a chunk of parts to her friends and I gave like Jody

Miller. I gave her the bartender, but there are a lot of small parts we gave them to people yeah because i'm like i'm not gonna make you drive somewhere and read for this when i know you can do this and it ultimately doesn't matter yeah yeah so i don't know if anyone great would read no i'm just kidding uh how about the tv show but what i was saying is like you've rejected people sure and it's not it's just like i don't know it just wasn't so you take it ultimately this and from the other side it's just like i just wasn't how i imagined it well that was an exercise being on the other end you're like oh wow some people you think would be great and then on camera it's like that was terrible i guess the for me the mind fuck is being asked consistently to audition at a high level but but then I rarely get it.

And so it hurts because you're like, I got a coach for this. I did 12 pages. I did it when you wanted it. And every actor feels this way. This is not specific to me, but it's like, yeah, you'll pardon me if I don't watch your HBO Max series

that like cost me like 72 hours of my life. Yeah. That I was never going to get because you gave it to a dude. Yeah. I that again, I am absolutely on your side with that because I and I reject people all the time. We all do. Yeah, sure.

But at the same time, and if those people don't want to watch the thing, I salute you, sir. Totally. I get it. Yep. I wouldn't either. The thing that you and I might have in common, because you said this earlier, like, if you made me feel, if you reject me for a part, they could still really love you and you just weren't right for that.

And I do get that. But if I've met you and you've made me feel bad, and I know no one can make you feel bad. Sure they can. Or you've done something really shitty. I never forget. And I will never, ever tell anyone that I think that about someone. But I will never, ever do you a favor.

I never forget the way somebody made me feel. Well, that's the thing that's a when you say you never tell anyone you ever get asked for a recommendation and you're like oh you're like they go hey this loaded gun do you want to shoot this person do you want to spare this person or shoot him in the head and you're like ah happened to me yesterday somebody called about somebody texted me about somebody and i was like hey what's up and i was like so i texted somebody else i was like what did i think of this person because i was like i remember what i think i thought but then and she actually she's like you love you married, she was like, they were more helpful than you may remember.

I am rarely, but it's certainly like, I'm rarely in a position where it's like, I'm the head of the studio and I'm going to make or break that. It's less that. And more like, if I have something to give out, I'm like,

you're like, I'm not, I wouldn't, my whole thing, my whole career is never, has always been like, I'm not going I wouldn't, my whole thing, my whole career has never, has always been like, I'm not going to do anything to negatively impact you specifically, but I'm not going to help either. If you did something to my friend, like I'm a very loyal person. If I know something bad

about you, there are ways, this is why people get called fake in Hollywood. Cause everyone's like, love them, love them because that person could be someone you need the next day so there's no point in being vocal about it but I've been on calls where like a name has come up and you're just like okay cool do you guys have any any other suggestions and you just move right past yeah people don't realize you know you put your best forward and you some people are dicks some people are not whatever's. People don't realize like your actions impact people and people remember these things. And I think some people get off on being mean or shitty. And I'm just like a very quiet observer of character. with someone just because they have money or power maybe that's why i have like a such a small circle but a huge block for me is participating in that and i know that that's like a big part of the game but like participating with people that you know are not great people love them it's like i i know he raped someone you're just like no good guy she's great it's like this person like did all

these bad things or makes other people feel like no it's great because everybody wants to get ahead and thank god for stand-up because i don't have to do that like i don't have to bring someone on tour that i don't like i don't have to work with anyone yeah that i don't enjoy the vibration of yeah people have like a really low vibration that's how they tell me i don don't. This is funny. I can't get over and continue to be blown away by how bad, cheap, and crappy everything we eat is. Noah, your husband's a chef? My husband's a chef. Okay.

So we talk about this a lot. And you're vegan, right? Yeah. So you must have an inkling. You must know this because you're not a vegan just for funsies. It's pretty fun really no it's fun being invited nowhere i'm vegan because i the meat industry is so disgusting and i it's awful for people it's all like it's bad it's a greenhouse gas emitter and i'm like

i don't also meat i learned is a sauce delivery system. So sauce, sauce is what you're tasting. You just eat a jar of sauce. I am big wooden spoon. And I force it every time. It's hard. I rip the edges of my mouth. It's fucking gross and pretty graphic.

Um, but also it's behind the paywall. This sponsored by regular. So I just, yeah. So yeah, if you do any cursory research, you'll just go, oh, I can't.

If you're on the fence about eating meat, watch a movie called Earthlings and cancel all your Morton's reservations because you're just going to, I watched it. I remember telling somebody, I go, yeah, I watched the movie and I'm vegan. They go, Earthlings?

And I go, yep. I have nightmares almost every night. And I don't even know if I have dreams anymore. I've never had a sweet dream. Oh, really? I don't even know what they're talking about. You called it a sweet dream. Whatever.

It was a sweet dream. That's so cute. What are you talking? I told Kenan Thompson, I dream about Lorne Michaels being mad at me four or five nights a week. And it's been happening for 20 years. Oh, my God. I know the guy a little. He respects me.

He likes me. But it's just a simple work power metaphor. Maybe this is your fantasy. Like you live in that frustration. Which one? That Warren's mad at me. That he knows who you are. No, that he's mad at you.

That you've worked enough together that he's mad at you. Yeah, but I'm always at SNL, and he's mad at me. Interesting.'ve worked enough together that he's mad at you. Yeah, but I'm always at SNL and he's mad at me. And I've worked at SNL three weeks. Do you ever have the dream that you can't get to class? Yeah, but it's not class. It's to meet Lauren. It's SNL. I swear to God.

It's crazy. Right. I mean, everybody knows I don't eat a ton of meat. I don't eat a ton of meat. I choose to do it sustainably less often we're not big meat eaters anyway just i guess when i said that it was more just like bread has sugar in it all of your health snacks are like the equivalent of eating a candy bar bar is nature high in sugar so high in sugar yeah if you if you look at the just don't if you look at a label

you don't look like fuck everything's sugar and then the other side is like, it's just wrapped in plastic. It's like nature's intent. Like all of these bars are just crap. Everyone, everything is filled with sugar because it sells and it makes things palatable. It makes them tasty. Or stevia, which I can taste now. Like zero sugar, but it's got stevia. Everything is cheap and bad for you.

And I'm not even just talking there's food but the products everything's made in like a mercury mill in china everything is cheap everything is just crappy and marketed beautifully and to want more is to have to spend so much more and then you feel like you're in a rat race just to get those things and so i find myself just consuming less things because everything feels like it's broken half promises bullshit like well people go it's sustainable uh denim and you just go there's no such thing if you know what's sustainable buy nothing buy nothing that's the only thing that's ecological buy nothing and it's it's i'm not perfect about it like i bought these jeans recently i don't buy clothes go ahead what they're ethical jeans they look great the fast fashion of it all but you can't have these

conversations without people like well what if you can't afford it don't food shame this is not about that and that what that that what aboutism, that sophistry is what is killing everything. And I am just like blown away. Even like health and wellness products. Like I got offered vitamins the other day and there were three grams of sugar, 20 calories per vitamin. Postnatal vitamins. Why? I ordered a starbucks why i'm usually i take

caffeine pill better do you yeah suppository oh yeah no regular regular and uh and like sometimes i order coffee there's there were 13 grams in oat milk of sugar and fucking oat this much oat milk 13 and you're like why is there fucking sugar i don't need yeah like it's oats how how'd the sugar even get near oats they're deciding it for you there's sugar and ketchup yeah it's uh spaghetti sauce the red sauce is. Would you eat by the spoonful? Yeah. Yeah. And then, like, it is so overwhelming. And so you're just trying to make these informed, healthy decisions. And it's just so incredibly difficult. Everything is just crappy.

And even if you buy something expensive, like, secretly there's a ton of sugar or weird ingredients. And it's just, it's overwhelming how much crap we're endlessly producing under the guise of sustainability greenwashing. And it's sad and it's just it's overwhelming how much crap we're endlessly producing under the guise of sustainability greenwashing and it's sad and it's that's when they pretend to that it's healthy if they don't pretend it's healthy it's so unhealthy you can't believe it there's that like a stackable burger somebody was telling me they were pre-diabetic that was like i was like what it was somebody i knew like everyone pre-diabetic until you get diabetes? Who wasn't obese. And they were like, yeah, I went in. I was like, how are you? It was like a healthy looking person told me that they were pre-diabetic.

What does that mean? Like you have a proclivity for diabetes? Like a friend of mine was pre-diabetic. And like you're going to have diabetes if you don't stop this. To the point where your vision, you just go blind for a little bit. Yeah. My friend was on a plane, blind for a little bit.

And he was like, I gotta, that's what killed Patrice O'Neill. Literally, that's what killed, sugar. And like, I love sugar. I didn't realize it until I did a podcast recently,

what a huge role sugar's played in my life. By the grace of God, I have a good metabolism. But like, there isn't, and I don't want to stop my addiction to it. I like craving it. I like satisfying that craving.

Three days and you'll be over it. For real. There's a three-day window? I heard it was like two weeks. In my mouth, it's three days. In my mouth, it's three days. In my mouth, where I'm from. But anyways, so it's that.

It's seeking out quality, whether it's healthcare or beauty products or clothing and just constantly coming up against a wall of like paying more for a consistently mediocre subpar product. And it's not

doing the thing it said it's doing. Yeah, you can't drink your collagen. Adaptogens, not in your grape drink. Like people want all of these buzzwords

and it's like you're gonna get older and you got to wear sunscreen. Yeah. And a lot of this is genetics and people are making so much money off of it. And maybe it's just because I'm getting older. I just get so tired of the buzzwords. Well, the amount of shit you have to slather on is just like, okay. Yeah.

What are we doing? Like biome defender. Like it's all this stuff. Like you think they're selling it in a soda. Yeah. What are we doing? Biome defender. It's all this stuff. You think they're selling it in a soda. Yeah. It's that many ingredients. Yeah. And adapted.

What are we talking about? Also, you know what I wanted? What are the toxins? What are they? Show me the toxins. And they go, it's lactic acid. Okay, lactic acid's in your muscles you need it and you need some of it and like and also the stomach you don't need to do a cleanse the whole

thing gravity does it that's what your organs are for that's what your kidneys the whole thing goes down you know your asshole that's where it all comes out that's what is happening yeah these are your spleen and your kidney and your adrenals. Like these things are designed to do that and everybody just wants something that they can eat to make them thinner and they want beauty. They want to put on chemicals

that will make them more beautiful and I think there's like a trade-off and it's just, it's so frustrating because I buy into it sometimes and you're like,

okay, this seems clean or this seems that. Well, you start to feel like a crazy person if you don't. And if you talk about it too much, people are like, yeah, yeah, hippie.

Yeah. Like I put on concealer to come here. It was like old and it had like crumbs in it on the bottom of my bag. Of course, that was like garbage. Yeah. You have to regularize yourself like, oh, it wasn't even good. I'm just a cool girl. Yeah, it wasn't.

I'll show it to you after this. But it just then you get so tired and you're like, you know what? I'll just use a brand that I already know. Like, it's so overwhelming and everything's become so expensive. There's a woman named Gia Tolentino who writes for the New Yorker and wrote a book called Trick Mirror that you would like. She writes a lot about the shit you are interested in. And she also wrote a thing about, like, trying to get out of the Amazon ecosphere. Like, try to order something not on Amazon ecosphere. Like, try to

order something not on Amazon. She's like, sustainable, no box. Like, it's going to take three weeks. So it's like, just pick your poison. And you've got to drive there. So what are we offsetting? We always talk about in my house, like,

you're going to hurt yourself or the planet. The question is what part do you want to hurt? So you can get a hybrid, but that battery runs on cobalt. And they mine that in the Congo. And so it's more like, okay, can you do something for your community? Can you do something to feel good? And eventually you get so tired. It's just a lot.

And I think it's like a signal of the demise of our society. And I don't want to say that. What I was thinking as you were saying this is, AI, come and end this. Please identify that you're an ai first ai it's me ai come end this madness put us out of our misery we couldn't do it we tried we couldn't do it we got too we got too lit shit got too lit shit you're young litty. Shit was too lit. Shit, you're young. You get it.

You understand when shit gets too lit. Consumerism got too fucking crunk. How is that? Do people still say crunk? No, they don't. But I will tell you, our obsession, you know, like we're at the Romans at the height of their empire. We're like at the Romans at the height of their empire, like our obsession with consuming everything from like sheen hauls on TikTok to this keeping up with the Joneses. I'm trying to just not buy shit like I just like I just wear these. I got three pairs of these.

I wear them. These I bought four pairs of Lululemon pants. Hopefully I'll never have to buy another pair. There's black there. They're just black They're gonna last But you ever drive past a mall And feel lonely because you don't need anything No That's happened to me all the time Where I'll be like I used to need to go in there

And now it's just another place I'm like no It's just another thing that doesn't work I went with a girlfriend yesterday Because we were going to spend some time We had like a day off And I was like, you know what? Let's get drinks and get a little buzzed and go shopping.

I don't remember the last time I did that. We go to this mall. We nailed getting the drink. That was no problem. I walked through this entire mall of luxury shops. And at the end of the day, I came out with one pot of lotion from Lush. And it was like a charity lotion that like goes to whatever. It was the only thing I bought.

The more alcohol I consumed, the more disgusted I became. That's rare. With all of the things. Yeah. I know. Because I was like, sell me something. Yeah. The experiences weren't nice.

Like nothing felt worthy. I just bought a car. I drove, I won a Honda Civic on Last Comic Standing. And I drove that car for over a decade. Great. And then I gave it to a friend, and then the friends... Well, the last fight was winner, right? Number one won.

I gave that car up because I was going to have my daughter, and I wanted a safe car, so I got a Volvo because I was like, it's a nice car, but it's understated. And it was a lemon, so I went through a whole thing. I had to get them to buy it back. That was a nightmare. My whole point is driving cars, driving cars. And ethically, I'm like, it's got to be a hybrid or made in America. It's got to be something. It was such a nightmare. At the end of the day, I just got a Kia. Yeah, you go like, just give me fucking. I don't want to wait. Just give me the fucking thing. Today's the first day

I drove it here. I was like so nervous. But I felt like the flex is not participating. I was like, I'm not going to drive. That's all you can do. It's like living as off the grid as you can on the grid. Yes. Try. You're going to lose.

Yes, you're going to lose. I had the thought this weekend. It's like, we all want to be good people. I believe in our essences, we want to be good people. But our preset, our factory settings are just for stupidity and garbage. And you just have to fight it. And you're Catholic, so you come with a lot. There's a lot of presets.

A ton of it. So we don't want to do the, we're not predetermined. Like you said, you can't believe when people flick cigarettes on the floor. I can't believe that. I totally agree. But B it's because we're, we're preset to fucking. Or no,

that's learned. That's learned. You saw a Jim, Jim Dean did it. You said people in movies do it. And then have you ever smoked? Never had a cigarette. You don't know what to do with it.

Put it out in your fucking eye. Quit putting it in the oceans. You think I care? i agree but like people litter used to be a huge problem and it's not because it's learned it's just because you gotta fuck it i'm here in a car that's moving if i do this i'm gonna forget it and i'm not there anymore. No, we know better. I can agree with you on a lot of other things being preset. That one is just ignorance. You're not a dropper at your house?

I heard a story where someone had to clean your pot twice. My what? The pot that you didn't. You've got crab juice on the pot and you didn't do it right. I cleaned it though. I didn't drop it. You didn't do it well enough. But't do it right. I cleaned it though. I didn't drop it. I thought I do it well enough, but no,

that's not what you're arguing. I'm arguing that people have different standards of behavior around cleanliness. Yours is one. Your husband's another one. I cleaned that pot, but crab juice sticks, sustainable crab juice sticks.

And that's the other thing. As we're talking about this, I'm just like, like, like my eyes are going like shark black thinking of all the like wait i saw that you did this or took this plane or did this it's like we're trapped we are trapped we're trapped we're trapped in a system if we can't do capitalism and do good ecology you can't do they're completely diametrically opposed actually you say that now in two years they're gonna go study recycling doesn't work and you're like two years our city doesn't recycle

so don't bother yeah you have to either have so much money to live sustainably or just be very poor and you're already doing it which you have you don't even have to have so much money you have to you ever look up like earth homes? You open a flap and the wind comes and that heats it and the water comes off the roof and you can do it. It's just kind of like a recumbent bicycle. You can do it. It's just fucking dorky as shit. And inconvenient.

And so I guess I'm in awe of how shitty. This isn't to say I'm not grateful and i don't like love people or whatever but in awe of how shitty everything is has become and how fast how quickly it's all getting even worse every climate prediction has arrived faster than they thought every bad climate outcome has gotten here five to ten years early and i'm sorry like then i look at the fact that i got married five years ago and i had a balloon sculpture because at the time it wasn't on my radar right that it was like that those things were bad and so i can't be angry at everyone because it's like well what about the thing i didn't know but now that i know i'm angry that right but if you do it right it's you and your husband in a room just staring at each other which is our sex life right no touching huh no touching no of course not no but that's

what it comes down to it just comes down to like if you want to do things ecologically it's so inconvenient and weird to people that the tax it takes on you socially is going to kill you 10 years early. Again, which is good for the environment. Look what they did to the vegans. It was the biggest joke. Tree huggers. It was seen as this lame, unmasculine, annoying thing. And now people are like, oh, I understand why you'd be vegan.

But for years, it was like people hated people who didn't want to hurt animals. You can still get a laugh on vegans. You can still get a laugh on vegans being pussies or whatever right the fact that people were against impossible burgers in just by like yeah no i don't like it like dude you think that your cow is doing living any natural life then maybe the shit you eat is. Right. Because it costs $17 a pound. Right. But like most people's burgers are less. Like hoof meat. And they're shot full of fucking steroids and anti-anxiety.

No, anti. Yes, probably. Like just garbage. It's garbage protein. But I'm with you. garbage protein. But I'm with you and if you think about it, what you end up with is like

let me just get the... Well, you become so inundated that you're like I just need a burger. It's overwhelming. You're flooded and you go I think I have a joke about it. I'm like, I'm just going to smoke some weed and go back to bed. Like that's, you go like, I got it. And then you're like... Because nobody wants to hear you talk about it and then the truth is in the immediate future, you go outside, the sun is shining.

Like things don't seem that bad and it's all relative. But it is, it's frustrating because you want to care and you want to do more. But society will silence you very quickly and people will stop listening if you beat your drum too hard over the same thing over and over. and people will stop listening if you beat your drum too hard over the same thing right over which goes it's a it's a version of your feminism thing which is like you have to like well how's your messaging right i didn't do it because i didn't like their their mess it's like motherfucker i'm trying to just save the like trying to do something like just trying to be a decent person well i think well i didn't like the way you said i didn't like the way you approach it we did female ceos for that it's like i didn't like her vibe but her

emails and you're just like how do we get how do we sugarcoat this enough to make you just fucking eat it they they fucked up all of like all they they over expanded with beyond meat and impossible burgers and whatever and the other question is how much p protein do you really need to eat how much any protein do you really need to eat like the the bottom line not as much as they tell you of course america everything's like packed with 18 grams of protein like you don't need that much no you're not for the day you need i don't know what it is but it's like way over it's way less that's in like a snickers yeah um look what makes you feel lonely because you describe yourself as sensitive yet most of your

uh it all reads as ideological my stand-up kind of and even the stuff we've been talking about is more like ideological in terms of like systems and isms. And you know what I mean? Like it's not like or I guess the thing about rejection hurting. But I guess I'm just wondering like is there anything like what's the two or three saddest moments of your life? I don't often think about my childhood, even though it was a happy one, something about it. I'm a very like what's next kind of person. I have a lot of energy. Do you have ADD or something? I don't. I am so over the over diagnosis of that.

Anybody who doesn't read a full dictionary in one sitting has ADD. And when you're a kid in the 90s, like they've got ADD. I'm like, oh, hot take. Algebra is boring. So I don't know that I have it as an adult. I think I don't want to, especially being in comedy, I don't have to pay attention to anything I don't like. I will say social media has depleted my ability to like fully pay attention. When do I feel lonely? Often. Because, you know, you spend your career putting things out there to make people feel good, obviously in an attempt to validate your own thoughts, at least for me. I think for so much of my career, I was so isolated. Being a headliner is a very isolating thing, especially when you're up and coming. So you don't have, you couldn't afford,

or I didn't have a feature act for so long. So you're just traveling by yourself. And I know you have, you know this feeling and you're in transit. And I have to be honest when I was coming up, so we'll say like 2008, I became a headliner up until maybe, I don't know. i don't even know it was an extremely like there weren't a ton of other women doing it and if there were they were working or they were already

famous so there was no like welcome club right there's no there's no sorority there's no and it's not a knock against women like you're doing your own shit like whatever and there's no there's no one to know because you come to the comedy store most of those guys were degenerates bad vibe anyway or jealous and so for so many years I just kind of like kept my head down and just there was such I felt like a competitiveness with me even though I was just like a girl just figuring out how to do stand-up and people were just like shitty and so then that becomes like an armor and then you do your thing and then you kind of want to talk to people and it has taken me years to realize like that's not on me and also I'm not

a shitty person like the biggest knock is like oh I met Eliza and like she didn't remember who I was or I met her and she didn't smile or something like bullshit stuff that only men i've heard she made me hold her dog no you got to hold my dog eliza you got to hold blanche have you ever held her no i feel like you're one of the ones that didn't want to do it she was people don't want to hold a dog everybody someone else wanted to hold blanche i wouldn't do it with tianfu because she's like not cool about it okay she was a meaty little thing and I never when I asked it was never like hold my purse it was like that's how I think people took it that way well that's awesome uh because I'll always get people that are like I held your dog for you because I would do it to comics or fans because people like she's so cute fans sure it's like a contest my goal is never to like big time someone. Of course not. Yeah. But so, but, but, and so I think when you get success, people have their feelings about

that. And it really, I never talk about it because nobody ever feels bad for like a white woman who's doing well. Yeah, no, I know. But. Lonely is lonely. Isolation is isolation. There's just no one to.

Whatever it's for. For how long? How is it? Who else was doing that that i knew you know like i i don't know a lot a ton of other like and i say no i mean like i i'm not gonna call these women like i like them or know them but like i'm not gonna if i'm crying call yeah you know yeah and for the guys it was just it's just you're forging stand up as you're forging your own path if you're lucky you've got friends that are at a similar level but i've never written that's luck too by the way like that's a real i i wasn't in the same position but i was in a weird

but you wrote on chapelle so you had other writers like you know chris no i didn't i didn't have it was me and dave there were no other writers but what trick fine fair enough i mean there's like people who pitched up but like it was then he leaves and i'm by myself and then like rock and i are it's like dave and rock are not my peers but they're right no but like they were two of my closest you know what i mean like it's a weird it's all kind of weird i guess you had an access to that word especially being a director like doing other things. So for the longest time, it was just me doing my jokes and people out of jealousy, or maybe I, you know, didn't smile on the right day or something. And so therefore whatever. And then one day it kind of, I realized like none of that mattered and I am a good person and I do like to help people. And it's so hard to get to a place

where you can help people when you're still trying to figure out what you're doing and so I think the loneliness comes from and I think everybody in show business feels this way like you're like nobody could fully relate to this because nobody has your exact career path right and it's like I even my husband who like is the best guy in the world like can't fully understand it yeah so there is a little bit of loneliness like that but at the end of the day that's admissible i mean like i'm not like if someone's rolling their eyes it's like every it's everything's you know oh it's so and so rich it's like all right well if you live in america you're even if you're relative to most people you're rich right so and then americans go as white privilege or rich privilege or whatever and it's like there's someone doing way worse than you we have

so much food you don't you aren't thinking about them and feeling guilty about your existence that's not how humanity operates no but we do require that just because something else somewhere else is bad you're not allowed to ever have your own feelings right which is ridiculous of course it is because you could have cancer and someone could have double cancer and their parents were murdered and it's like does that make your cancer not hurt um it is relative and people enjoy just shitting on that to make themselves feel better but i think being but you're right that it's a self-fulfilling thing where it's like you put up an armor and then that exacerbates the problem and it's like right multiplies multiplies multiplies then it's like you put up an armor and then that exacerbates the problem. And it's like, right. Multiplies, multiplies, multiplies. And it's like she's standoffish.

And it's like, well, there's a reason there's I mean, I it was a very competitive situation for a very long time. And you're making up rules. No one's telling you how to do anything. And so I seek to correct that by always saying hi to people and by always whether you like it or not, like giving a a tag like if i make your joke better or trying to create an opportunity because i know how hard it is and because social constraints are constraints are such bullshit and so i make myself feel better by trying to make other people

feel better but i think the loneliest time in the day is after you do a set that drive back home where you're just like buzzing but like who you're gonna call at 10 30 at night and then you just eat a bunch of ice cream it's funny it's like i don't it's a shame that we can't call ourselves 10 years earlier because you're still doing stand up but it's also like guess what no one cares no one no one's gonna celebrate that you killed right do you know what i mean like no one's gonna be that excited your husband like oh great i don't know i'm doing good you're great at comedy but you're like but i wasn't always and i remember not being great and not being able to kill and now i can and i want to fucking

celebrate it but i it's just with myself. Yeah. And that feels hollow. And not totally hollow, but pretty hollow. It's like a... Or arrogant. Well, it's a little buzz and it's just yours. And you're like, maybe I'll just drive really fast. You know? But at the end of the day, like, it's the best job in the world.

Of course. Oh, it's not even close. That's what I'm saying. So all that rejection shit they can keep again no one's gonna remember the mark walberg movie you did thank you neil and it's a popular movie not even them because we didn't get to do a second one right but i'm saying they're gonna remember i know women that are obsessed with your act not they're not obsessed with mark walberg thing they didn't read there's a lot of rather read your book than watch them i wish they would you know what i mean

like i know women that are very into you and it's not from i think some people it's like you find the right someone's like why don't you do a tv show or a movie and i'm like because the thing i want to say is best delivered verbally i i know this is like the wind down i think as an artist as a multi-faceted artist you have things that you want to explore in other ways and so i just haven't quite made it made made that thing yet. Um, and it's frustrating at the end of the day because art is frustrating and trying is fucking difficult and getting people on board when you're not the flavor of the month. And I guess like what I take from it,

and I've said this before is like, it really is all about the at bats. Like the fact that people will still take the meeting or the pitch versus no, we're good. That's how you know you're not dead in the water. So I just keep reminding myself that. You're going to,

but you're also going to work forever. Until I'm dead. Yeah. Yeah. You know that. Yeah. What's the problem? I'm,

I'm saying that jokingly, but also like, just. No problem. Yeah. That thing about like my career is, my career is fucking deteriorating or whatever no i mean no that's it's not it's but i think all artists you know you're just like is this

why didn't i get invited yeah i didn't make the list yeah and it's like it's now that list is toilet paper life's hard it's life's hard like life him being a human being's hard that's what the but being a comedian is even harder yeah and and also the easiest thing ever yeah and yes if you're successful at it and yeah it's like a lot of stacks of shit even at the lowest level though like a comic's like yeah i did this gig over the weekend it was shitty and it's like and then you got to get like you get to go to the movies in the middle of the day on a monday you also to, everyone's looking at you and you get to fucking yell for an hour. Yeah, if you're lucky.

Or even if it's 20 minutes. Even if it's, I'm still excited when shit's just amplified. Like, I'll do open, I don't give a shit. Oh, yeah. Like, there's an amplification? Oh, yeah.

Everyone's facing one direction and I'm going to stand in that? People in the back are hearing this? I'm in. Great. Oh, man. Now, having said that, I spend my entire existence complaining.

Thank you for doing this. It was fun. What do you want to plug? I have to plug something. This is why I'm here. Yeah. I would like to plug. I would like to plug.

I'm going to plugs. Please go to YouTube and check out Eliza's Locals. Yeah, what is that? Eliza's Locals, I just felt somewhere between a Netflix special and getting a showcase somewhere.

There are so many comics who can do a rock solid 10 minutes. And so I produced three episodes of comedy specials. We did 18 comics and they each do 10 minutes. Oh, I had no idea. I wish we'd talked about that. We're talking about, let's talk about it. How many comics total? There's 18 comics.

There's six comics per episode. There's three episodes. They each do 10 minutes. We shot it here in Koreatown. I wanted to give comics a chance. Sounded racist. What? Sounded racist.

In Koreatown? We shot it here in Korea. It just sounded racist to me. No, no. If anything, we're giving money to, it's not even a Korean establishment. Of course. We shot it in Koreatown and it's a beautiful piece of tape. I just know how difficult this business is and it's a beautiful piece of tape I just know how

difficult this business is and it's so difficult to get people to invest in you and I was like I can give these comics 10 minutes a beautiful piece of tape we'll get them on SiriusXM or we'll get their comedy out there and they got to do that so it's called Eliza's Locals

so you paid for it and put it on your YouTube channel 800 pound gorilla paid for it I'm a producer on it but i did pick the way that it looks and it's on the 800 it's on 800 pound gorilla well uh youtube and they do a ton of other yeah comedy specials um but some of these comics are very close friends of mine and i'm just like why not show the world a polished 10 minutes that you have that you didn't have to shoot yourself great nobody says yes to anyone and i had the time and the money so we did it yeah good thank you for doing that eliza's locals eliza's locals on youtube i thought i didn't understand i yeah eliza's local

and then you got a podcast of course ask eliza my podcast is called ask eliza anything where people write in with their burning questions and i give you the harsh advice only your best friend or sister would give you and of course at eliza on social media go it's not at eliza try to eliza s on instagram and i don't care i'm reading that and i said it's at eliza and i at eliza uh it's at eliza s go try to figure out what the secret word is that she hasn't blocked throw them all throw the book at her it may not be the C word. It may be. It's adaptogens. It's adaptogens.