Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

Neal Brennan interviews Jim Jefferies (Top 15 all-time standup comic, 'High & Dry' + multiple specials, 'The 1% Club,' 'Legit,' 'The Jim Jefferies Show') about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 3:10 Uncoordinated  21:04 Piggery 32:15 Abusive Mother 44:18 Sensitive 1:26:13 Imposter Syndrome 1:31:02 Upside ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- Sponsors: GameTime App Code: BLOCKS for $20 off your first purchase MintMobile.com/NEAL for $15/month plus free shipping MeUndies.com/NEAL for 25% off plus free shipping DrSquatch.com/NEAL for 3 free bar soaps plus free shipping Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamx. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. My blocks are depression. That's a pretty standard block. Imposter syndrome. I had an abusive mother. Dyslexia.

And I'm highly uncoordinated. Oh, that's funny. Hey, everyone. It's Blocks. It's meil brennan and uh we're gonna heal the earth my guest today is in my we're gonna go top 15 of all time um a lot of 100,000 people have done stand-up probably they've tried it and i would put i'd put you in my top 15 who's ever done it thank you he's got my favorite joke about autism but not vaccinating his son it's got several great punch lines one of them's incredibly ironic i don't know what

happened to that with dating and all that stuff your ex and we don't have to talk about oh i don't remember i don't remember the routine i haven't watched it since i did it but i get the beats of it yeah and he's got of course the maybe the greatest gun control bit ever in australia we had the biggest massacre on earth the australian government went that's it no more guns and we all went yeah right then that seems fair enough and he's just a fucking consistently funny your your suitcase bit going to mars incredibly good ah i found okay so that bit i found out that like uh there was another comic in britain called luke okay it turns out that if you go if you if you go uh the suitcase was patented in 1971 the first thing joke that

everyone writes is they can send a man to the moon, but we can't get wheels in a suitcase. So it turned out there was another comic called Luca in London who I'd never seen had a similar bit. And then another comic called Alan Cochran had a similar bit. And then I had a bloke who had the same bit doing it in Spanish on some other show. It turns out that's the most obvious punchline that's ever been written. Oh, I love that bit.

Oh, I was like, once two people came out, I was like, more the merrier. Yeah, I'm already guilty. I want 100 comics for this fucking joke. He's got multiple, what do you got, four Netflix? Five Netflix. Five Netflix, two Comedy Central. No, two HBO. I got one HBO, one Showtime, one Epix,

and then one that was just on Britain TV. I got like nine and then I got nine specials and then like another special that never did anything that I repeated a lot of jokes off on my first HBO special because it never found an audience or anything. Yeah, great. Anyway, it's Jim Jefferies. Oh, thank you.

Hey. Hey. Okay. The vaccination autism thing was uh is he autistic yeah or is he just jenny mccarthy's son yes yeah i i feel oh that's the joke okay that's a that's one punch line that i do feel a bit of you know when you you say something you go is this kid autistic or is it jenny mcc's son? And then at the time you think that's really funny. And then somebody asks, might you want to be on The Masked Singer? And Jenny McCarthy's a judge.

And you think to yourself, I probably shouldn't have said that. Because, you know. Yeah. You remove your big, massive head and she's just angry. Oh, my God. All right, your blocks. The first one. It's easy.

Everyone's got depression. Yeah. That's like nonsense. What about the coordination? Like you can't do. I've got a terrible gene in me. I'm extremely competitive and I'm uncoordinated. So I always wanted to play sports as a kid.

I could never win anything, but I was ferocious. Like I really wanted to. And there's nothing worse than the guy who's dropping the ball. Just come on guys. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I was a bit. Yeah.

It makes it less fun. Yeah. And you stunk. And I, and I stink. Yeah. And it's like always being picked last for a team and all that type of stuff. You know, that, that does sort of, is, is there anything crueler than the setup of making teams as a child?

Absolutely. Is it, it's, it's the most quintessential what we think of you in in a two-minute space but of course it's a metaphor for all of us like the the idea that there's not status in life well it's that's pretty much always in the open it's a good it's a good life lesson that you're not always going to win and you're not good at everything and you should find what you're good at and that type of stuff, right? I was so bad at sport that when, like, so we're playing basketball, when I, you know, I would get my six points a game playing

for the high school team or whatever like that and playing for the bottom team as well. And when I got points, you'd sometimes get, like, a round of applause from, like, the other players. Like, there was an acknowledgement that you're really bad. applause from like the other players like like there was an acknowledgement that you're really bad you were like the special needs kid you were close to the special needs kid like they would cheer they were like yeah yeah no one no one would tease you really got that bad that the teasing sort of ended because you it wasn't funny in a certain

yeah yeah yeah you were just uncoordinated you know and so it's like it's like i i've got my two boys and my son plays baseball and he's quite good he gets hits and everything like that i'm like surprised i'm like i can't believe i've never lived more vicariously to a person ever it's like i'm getting hits you know i think that's the appeal of of uh fantasy league is is like well i'm not good at it but i can i got the right opinions about it yeah which is most of like the world now like i have no skills but i'll make a i have a i have a lot of youtube videos about my opinions and they're often wrong but i deliver them competently yeah i but i then i i joined a fantasy baseball league this year, and I came second last.

It turned out that I don't know how to do that either. But I reckon if I have another go, I'll be all right at that. I still have hope for that. I did it one year 20 years ago, and it was such a fucking time suck. Yeah. Where you're seeing like, how did my middle reliever do? My middle relief pitcher do tonight or this week? And it was like, I don't care about any of these people.

I don't even like baseball really. Well, the problem is it starts making you go for players who aren't on your team. Like I'll be watching the Dodgers and then I'll be like, oh, but I've got this hitter coming up on the other team. What would be best? If he got a single, not a home run, because that would actually, you know what I mean? yeah but it's also the the like the strongest parasocial relationship where you're

like meet when you if you ever meet a player and you're like you know i had you last year and i didn't i was i was unsatisfied with your performance i i had uh walker bueller who at that stage is about 22 and i think he's only about 25 now yeah but he was like going for rookie of the year and he was the top pitcher and all that stuff and i was a huge fan of him like the dodgers had this new pitcher and i was like and he he uh commented on one of my clips. Brilliant. What do you need? You're covered for a month.

Brilliant. So I got all nervous to write back to the fucking 21-year-old man. You know what I mean? Like at this stage, I'm like a 40-year-old guy. Yeah, you're married 40, but he's basically a hot woman. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just like, oh, okay. And so I wrote like this. Don't want to waste your time.

I went like this. Hey, I saw you commented on me clip. And I'm a big fan of yours. And I go, if you ever want to come and see my show, I'll get you free tickets. I've already got season tickets to see you. And then I said something like that because it was when Bryce Harper was about to be signed somewhere else.

I go, hope to see you play next year with Bryce Harper. And then I put like a winky emoji. And I still feel like. You humiliated yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just hit you back with a thumbs up. Thumbs up. That's all he wrote back.

That's a loss. Oh, the thumbs up is the full stop of the sentence. It's the end of a conversation. The thumbs up. Did you ever hear from him again? I think he liked another one of me posts. I haven't, you know,

I can't go back, you know, famous people. And it's like, it's sometimes you push to make a friendship. You go, Oh, give it a go.

Yeah. And then you, you don't get it back. And you're like, all right. Yeah. Like I gotta leave it. I gotta leave it there.

Ryan Reynolds DM me about one of my bets and i was like hey you want to come on my podcast haven't heard from okay so ryan but mint mobile does does uh ryan ryan reynolds hit me up um uh direct messaged me many years ago yeah was it about the gun control bit? Because mine was about mine. I think it was about gun control. Yeah, I think it was about the gun. Incidentally, I wrote the gun control bit on, I had a sitcom on FX that people liked, but no one really saw could legit, right?

You're a good actor though. Oh, thank you. Thanks. Like you weren't, you never pushed. I am. It wasn't like what you did with the baseball child well have you seen me i'm in an episode of swat playing a a a computer hacker called shadow box like literally one of the one of the ads on legit was like we had an actor drop out right now can you come and be a computer hacker on swat and i'm like yeah go on yeah good and i'm like you're going yeah good fuck it and i'm like there's a lot of me on a computer like this i'm the mic how many scenes ah two or three seats okay i i read so little of the script

i didn't know whether my character was a good guy or a bad guy so funny which is he probably didn't know in real life he probably had his own opinions of himself uh he was probably the hero in his own story what was i saying about legit like i had oh you had ryan rey himself. He was probably the hero in his own story. What was I saying about legit? I had a sitcom. Oh, you had. Oh, Ryan Reynolds. The gun control. And the gun control.

Okay, so the gun control thing was written because John Ratzenberg, who played Cliff Claven in Cheers, he was a dad in the sitcom. I was, and he really is like Cliff Claven. Does anybody know anything about plumbing? Well, Romans had an elaborate system of aqueducts, Sammy. Great guy. Yeah. Real fun, Haying.

Loads of good Hollywood stories. Yeah. And I'm standing next to him when Sandy Hook happens, and I literally have Cliff Clavin turn to me like in that moment and just go, none of this would have happened if those teachers had guns. When will these liberals learn? That's right. moment and just go none of this would have happened if those teachers had guns when will these liberals learn and i went and as an australian you know with my little socialist heart i just sort of turned i just went you fucking i argued with him for two or three days

and at the end of it the whole thing was that was the whole routine was ready to go i didn't have to run it or anything it was just shit you had said to him it was arguments to cliff graven god damn right so that's why they're all just little tiny rational thoughts throughout the routine they're not really statistic based they're just sort of but wouldn't this happen if this happened like you know one of my favorite punchlines of it is uh it's not how you give a shit about home security none of you go to home security conventions none of you read Padlock Monthly? God damn it, that's funny. So Ryan Reynolds, he writes to me and then he invites me to see a premiere of some movie, just in a bar type of thing. And I meet him and he's super nice and we chat a bit

and that's one of the things where I think, here may be me and Ryan Reynolds. Like if I was more charming, I'd own a third of Wrexham right now. So what happened was Brad Pitt paid me weatherman. Sure thing, Jim. On the Jim Jefferies show. When he stopped being my weatherman, they literally, the show was like this, who else can you get to be the weather person?

Luckily, like Seth Rogen did it for one other episode. That's right, man. But I was like, I kind of know Ryan Reynolds. Right? So I wrote to him and he's like, yeah, I'll do it. And then I kept on, I think I pushed a little bit too much. And then I was like, I think the last message was like this. I'll take your wife.

I don't even need you. I'll have a weather lady. I'm running out of options here the show's about to be cancelled i need i need something buddy yeah and did she do it no no i don't think i don't think ryan reynolds follows me anymore nor have i been invited to a wrexham game so i pushed too hard it's a tough one yeah i could have but then you know what were we going to do hang out i don't know yeah it had a certain to do? Hang out? I don't know. Yeah. What do you think is the age of no return on friendships?

It gets difficult after 30, but it gets really difficult after 40. You can still move country at 30. You can move to another country and meet some people and that type of stuff. You'll have to get some people who, you know, the easiest people to make friends with are the childless. Childless people you can make friends with very easily they got nothing going on they're up for lunch yeah fuck and you want to hang you want to take a walk after like there's a lot of time but the child folk yeah they're uh oh no you can't uh yeah that's i i and i agree with them yeah yeah i i've got it when you have a baby that's you for

friends until that child's like seven yeah that's you you can't get you go but no i have a two-year old at home at the moment and i have some people that are like hey can we get dinner sometime i'm like no i've got i've got going to work and this kid you know what i mean yeah you get like 12 date nights a year and me and my wife use them on each other sure you know what i mean yeah you get like 12 date nights a year and me and my wife use them on each other sure you know what i mean like to make sure our marriage is good are we still married yeah should we renew this yeah yeah so i don't know why we started talking about um ryan reynolds but oh the gun control bit yes gun control and that yeah that's uh you were going to be friends with ryan reynolds what happened to you why did you not get to be friends with Ryan Reynolds. What happened to you? Why did you not be friends with him?

I invited him on here. Oh, you invited him on here. Yeah, which is like, I don't know. You follow me. You clearly, like Letterman did it. And like, you know, every pretty much most big Seinfeld's going to do it. Like, I don't know. It doesn't seem out of the question.

No, it doesn't seem out of the question. And then sometimes people surprise you and they'll do more do yeah more than you think they're gonna do yeah it's it's you like like brad was my weatherman i thought that would be a big enough calling card that i could get someone else yeah somebody up now no i know it is a one-off i'm i'm mates with russell crowe and uh crowe was like he was like, he said he'd do it, but he had a very exact view on what type of weatherman he wanted to be. A little too, not he was being an actor. He never worked out in our schedules, but he was going to do it.

Yep. All right, more blocks. So not coordinated. A punchline. Okay, so also the coordinated thing. As I said, I won't do Strictly Come Dancing, but also I won't do Strictly Come Dancing but also I won't do many other reality shows

I get asked to do I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here in Australia the Australian version of that where you go into the jungle

and it's like I don't especially with like you know we said about the autism how we're low on the

I don't know if we mentioned this before the podcast or whatever I don't know if I want my personality filmed

for 24 hours in desperate in dire straits like who wants why i'm hungry yeah my wife hates me when i'm hungry i fast for like two days a week and she just ignores me those days like i'm not a nice person how long i do two full days of nothing mondays and wednesday. And have you lost weight and all that? I maintain. Look, man, I don't drink. Look, man, are you going to be cool or not? Tickets, always stressful, 100% of the time. Chaos, you feel like getting ripped off.

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eat whatever i want and i do that about two times a week You know what's great about piggery? It sounds medieval and racist. Yeah. Pretty great. Hard to do. And sexist. Okay, so you just like to eat. You piggery. I come from a long line of fat folk, right?

I have fat genes running through my veins. You wear it pretty well, though. I never thought Jim tried i try to keep try to keep it all right for tv you know what i mean if oh you lose weight before if not for tv and specials i might be really fucking fat yeah i mean so at the moment i'm trying to starve myself because i know christmas is coming and i'm gonna eat eat to shit there i'm gonna gain weight there and and so i i i have two speeds with anything i'm all in or out you know and so it was the same with drugs so you're all in on food it was the same yeah and so i it's like with food i'm all in and on the day except for the days when i'm all

out how did you and then i just i don't acknowledge that food exists how did you get what inspired you to stop drinking and doing drugs and what how was the process i've been dishonest about this in the past okay and said you know so i've given up drinking this was my third or third real attempt the other time one time i did it for a year the other time i did it when i started the jim jeffrey show and i did it for a year. The other time I did it when I started the Jim Jefferies show and I did it for about, I did, well, no, I was in the start of the Jim Jefferies show. I was already drinking for the first two seasons of, did we have two, three seasons?

The first two seasons of the show I was drinking. Then I got in a bit of trouble with my drinking. And then the last season, so I could pretty much keep my job, I stopped drinking and then once i lost that show and not that anyone was threatening to take my job but i just knew that what was it wasn't great i know i know where i was headed yeah and then i gave it up when my wife was pregnant um in a bit of solidarity and then uh because I'd went out a couple of times and got drunk. During COVID, I couldn't drink.

I was drinking at home and doing fine. And then when we had that, I was doing like supernova, and it was like one of the first times I was out of the house. And I was like, I haven't been out of the house in two years. That'd be a full night too. I've got to indulge, right? So I got wasted and I got embarrassing on stage. I couldn't remember my jokes, then went out, didn't know where I woke up type of thing, like just embarrassed and blacked out the whole time.

Now, I used to brag what a great drinker I was. And it turns out I wasn't a great drinker. I was a terrible drinker. I was a sloppy drinker. I was just really good on cocaine. While I was doing cocaine. And you would have the coke to drink more. To sew me up so I could drink more.

Then I could stay on stage and this type of thing. So I didn't drink and do cocaine every day. I just did it every day I worked. And I was working a lot. And so then I thought I'm at an age where if I keep taking cocaine, I'll have a heart attack and I'll fucking die and I've got young kids and that's not fair, right? So I gave up the cocaine and went, and I'll just drink these days. And it turns out I get drunk off like three drinks, sloppy.

That's so funny. Like this. Like I'm a different, I can't even fake it. I can't fake sober. And so I was so sloppy people were like he's out of control now and i'm like i've never drank less this is the best control i've had i've given up cocaine but i couldn't brag about hey everyone i'm just a drunk yeah and that wasn't a good enough brag and so i was trying to do that on the tv show i wasn't

doing drugs right i didn't do any drugs during the time of the Jim Jefferies show. And then I, I was drinking and getting sloppy drunk. And so I went, Oh, I got to knock that on the head. And then when I knocked that on the head, now I don't smoke at all. And that was the hardest one. The thing about giving up drinking. You remember a tell you'd probably didn him but he stopped david tell no but back then he stopped drinking so he could stop smoking yeah he was like i can't i'm and i don't even know if he has stopped smoking but that was he i don't think he drinks anymore but i did i did the nasty show with him in montreal and i remember it was the last year that he drank and then he stopped drinking and then i think he still smokes yeah but the cigarettes

for me i went on to the vaping and then the vape which i look back on it now so the least cool activity on earth is there's something so many people vape in london i was astonished by it well yeah they used to all bloody smoke okay part of the reason i took up smoking in any way was i never i never smoked really during my teen years i had a couple of cigarettes here and there type of thing and then in my 20s um i was living in london and they brought in a smoking ban and that's when i decided to start really getting into cigarettes because that was the best way to meet girls the smoking pit you're in you're in london that everything's mashed in right and it's raining and you have

to smoke outside they give you an awning yeah it's about this big yeah and you're all standing underneath it and you can walk up to a girl and go do you have a cigarette or they walk up to you because women just get free cigarettes right they're all walking up to you going can i have a cigarette can i have a light and all of a sudden you there's no music playing yeah you have to connect with them you have to talk and you're like and also and i like you'd be it would be weird not to talk to them yeah so you all of a sudden you're chatting and it was the easiest way to meet girls, right? Also, look, to any ladies who smoke out there, but if she smokes, she's normally up for it, right?

Yeah, she's a little reckless. She's a fun person. She's willing to put her life on the line daily, you know what I mean? Like, she's a fun girl. Yeah, great. Thank you again, ladies. Yeah uh i'm fond of uh smoking ladies yeah i totally agree with you um if she's willing to court cancer she'll take an hpv you know what i mean exactly you know what i mean if she's not scared of cancer what's the difference i'm a delight next to cancer. Yeah. Yes. You are much safer.

Condoms for what? For what? You're putting cancer willfully in your body. Yeah. So giving up. But the thing is, you give out the cigarettes. You give up drinking, people throw you a fucking parade. Yeah.

Every time I've put it like I'm heading into year three now and I don't think I'll ever drink again. I don't want to drink again. I don't. The other times I was white knuckling it. This time I'm not, right? But never say never. Why?

What's the difference between now and the other times? Weed. Okay. Yeah, weed. Without legalization of weed, I'll never put anything into my lungs again that isn't air. I'll never smoke weed. What do you do, edibles?

Edibles. Yeah. And also it just changed my life. It made me chill out a lot more. Do you have anxiety? I have a lot of anxiety. But I think, okay, so the weed made it worse for a bit. You've got to fight through that until you can realize that,

oh, this is the drug doing this or this is the whatever. But it does help me chill out. You know, I tell you what, I can watch movies with my kids. You can? On weed, yeah. I'll watch Cars. Sure. I'll watch fucking planes or any of the things.

I always think that about like Dane Cook. Dane Cook was the voice in planes. I'm up for it. And a lot of people like to shit on Dana. He's always been, I could name five great jokes. Yeah. Perfectly nice to me.

Yeah. And, and he's a, he's a, uh, I always have a soft spot for Dane because, uh, planes was my two-year-old's favorite movie, three-year-old's favorite movie.

And he left voice messages as the plane. Fantastic. Like he did that. And so I was like, all right, I got a call from Dusty Crophopper here. And the kid was just, it was like the best gift that I've ever given a child. Like the kid just couldn't fucking believe it. That Dusty Crophopper was talking to him by name and all that that was that did you see the albert brooks documentary i have not yet yeah it's great but he was

he's fucking nemo's dad so his kids go to the premiere and basically the nemo gets kidnapped or lost or whatever and the kids are like i'm his kid and they're freaking out oh no it's fucking but it but i'm sure like at a certain age it was like excellent i got i do a voice of a tasmanian tiger in a movie called extinct which is on sounds scary yeah it's a it's but it's like an animated thing yeah it ago, we almost died. Henry Winkler's in it. Great. Adam Devine. Fantastic. Zazie Betts.

I've never met any of these people. You don't meet them all. You just do your voice. Reggie Watts is in it, I think. Anyway, so my son's fascinated by me doing a voice in a cartoon. He can't talk yet, but we just turned that on for him, and he just sort of stares back and forth. Yeah, I'm sure it's very weird.

Well, it is nice to have one piece of work that your children can see. Yeah, I'm sure. You know, just now my 11-year-old, he's obviously Googled me or whatever, and he now sort of is now getting what type of – he's always known i made people laugh for a living yeah like that i'm disgusting like that i'm whatever edgy i don't know what the term is yeah i mean yeah that i'm one of these off color people where it's did he think you're funny oh yeah my son thinks i'm funny yeah like but bits like at home yeah yeah yeah me and me and that kid we just he's my best mate great in that kid we just hang out all day i i couldn't think of anyone's company i'd

prefer to have than my 11 what is what about it obviously the first thing is like because you're an egomaniac and you like half of you like a thing it's half you and it but it can't i'm assuming that's that's not the energy i'm getting well it's a lot of a lot of it's also that i can't believe how good a kid he is because i i don't my parenting isn't up to the standard of who he is as a person right like yeah like you didn't have anything to do with it yeah like he just came out just a good dude yeah just that's how he's just came out just a good dude. Yeah. That's how he just came into the world. I kind of think a lot of people say who they are from day one. I reckon it's 80% and then 20% what your parents do to you.

Yeah. And which leads me to one of my other abusive mothers. Oh, yeah, please. You're a guy who understands the format. Go. Yeah, so my mother died four years ago. And we made peace with each other before she died. What was the bottom of the relationship?

Like where you were the most like kind of fuck off? My mother was physically abusive throughout my childhood to the extent that I, there was times I went to the hospital with injury and had to say I fell off my bike, you know, like, like that level. Yeah. And I got two older brothers and they, we all deal with it sort of. It's like being in combat. and they we all deal with it sort of it's like being in combat we we we when we get together we couldn't be three more different people and we love each other but we don't always all get along at once yeah you know what i mean but we we we have love family of 10 yeah i get it right so so uh but when we do get together it's like old war stories yeah it's like we have a bond because of

that lady that we can't no one else quite understands yeah our wives don't understand it and all that type of stuff but we was your dad out of the picture no my father's still alive my father's 83 84 years old but when you were when you were young yeah he was still there he spent a lot of time on the roof my father like i i've owned a house for eight years and i haven't been on the roof yet i haven't been on the roof what he what we drank smoke just he just was up there coating it or something he it was a flat steel roof and and he he he would when you were two or three you'd go up in this room it was like a because it was it was one of those houses on stilts off the edge was a big drop you know and he would tie a bit of rope to your belt and a bit of rope to the tv

antenna so you could get right up to the edge and i still don't i was up there with him and i still don't know what he was doing he was doing something but he still goes he rings me now at 84 and goes i'm going up onto the roof if you't hear from me, if I don't call you in two hours, it means I've fallen off. I'm like, why don't you call one of your sons in Australia? Why am I? What am I meant to do? Two hours, look at my watch and go, that's the end of day.

God damn it. It's so, did he, was she abusive to him in a way? Well, he, this is why I got to watch. Was he passive? This is why I got to watch what I say because I believe she was abusive to him in a way well he this is why i gotta watch was he passive this is why i gotta watch what i say because he i believe she was abusive to him but he doesn't think so he doesn't look back on it like that he goes what a wonderful marriage and what a wonderful woman how wonderful she was yeah and he's rewritten history a little bit yeah you know he hero worships her a little bit now that she's gone yeah he's like

i'm gonna cook one of your mom's old recipes or something like she wasn't even a good cook man i don't know what you so he was do you think he was passive because i'm i have that with my brothers and sisters because i talked about my dad a lot in three mics and a lot of them didn't like it because they remember it differently yeah or whatever. Or they internalize it differently. Well, I say this on stage, but it's like, so my mother, right for the last 10 years of my mother's life, when my father went to talk, my mother would go, shut up, Gary, you're an idiot.

Like this, right? Just straight up, shut up, shut up, shut up, right? Anyway, my mom was dead for about three days before me and my brothers got together and went, mum was doing some good work there. Because it turns out we hadn't heard one of my father's opinions for a decade. She was dead. She was of service.

She was helping out society, man. He's got some thoughts. He's got some thoughts, right? Are they like Cliff Clavin thoughts? A little QAnon-y. He's a big Trump guy. My dad, we didn't know. Big Trump guy. thoughts right are they like uh the cliff clavin thoughts little q and on he little little like he's a big trump guy yeah my dad we didn't know big trump guy and uh but you know look he's grew up in rural australia i think his appeal with trump is that my dad's of that my dad doesn't even agree with what he says he just enjoys saying seeing an old bloke saying whatever the

fuck he wants yeah that's i think that's 80 of his appeal yeah yeah it's like this everyone's lying yeah and i'm also lying but i'm calling out the other liars yeah yeah yeah it's like if it's like yeah also you know this isn't rehearsed yeah i mean there's no teleprompter there's, it's with Trump is like people have been lied to by politicians forever. And, and it's like, uh, if,

if, if you had like termites and you had the people come out, fix the termites and they never killed the termites. Hmm. And then for five termite people in a row, and then someone says, I'll come out to the house and I'm not gonna get rid of the termites but i'm gonna make fun of the other people who said they were going to and like and people are like great i don't they're not getting rid of the

termites anyway do a roast of the other termite people yeah um okay so with the mom thing how do you make peace with her okay so my mom what okay, there was a lot of verbal abuse, but there was several physical moments. If you did something wrong, she would let you think that everything was okay and that you weren't in trouble, and then she'd wait until you were asleep and you could get woken up being being slapped or she would go into rage and she would just like destroy your bedroom just smash down the bookshelf and the wardrobe and the thing so it's just like a pile of stuff and you'd be like six or seven years old

and then you go to clean this up and it'd be like four in the morning and i just i that was worse than being hit that yeah because it's totally confusing there was a panic and you you were asleep and you were meant to go to school and you're on top of this pile of just mess and you then she'd calm down and she'd go that's okay you go to bed mommy loves you i'm sorry mom i'm sorry like you were just so happy just to have that come back to you yeah that she loved you that that and then the next day that would be the cleanest your room would ever get because she would have remorse, I guess, and have to clean up the whole thing. But she would just trash your whole space.

What do you think her why? She once hit me with a belt buckle end of a scalp belt. They've got like a real big thing, that type of thing. And so I was a little angry with my dad for years for not physically stepping in but he was just getting through it as well but the the she was a school teacher at my school right so everything in my life is so you definitely couldn't tell the teacher everything in my life had comes from my relationship with this woman every Everything that I believe that's good and I believe everything that paranoia and self-hate or all these type of things comes from her as well, right?

And so I don't believe I'd be as successful as I am without her and I believe I wouldn't need therapy without her as well, right? And so it's a lot. So I have a real, I'm really conflicted about even saying mean things about her now because she put a good work ethic into us. And both me and my brothers are all successful, and we grew up dirt poor. We grew up poor, you know.

Yeah. Not dirt poor. My mother was a casual up poor you know yeah they're not making a dirt poor my mother was a casual school teacher my father was a carpenter and we you know and so so and my my brother now is very high up in the police force and my other brother developed shopping centers all around the world great big shopping like you know we've all done all right for ourselves yeah and so we all three of us credit her and it was there wasn't there wasn't an option for option for failure and if you were a failure a loser or this or that she she was very like would get right into you get into your psyche you know and tell you that you're

a pig and it was so weird because she was like 300 pounds and she didn't move and and it was this big fat lady that would take up the whole living room, right? Always fully reclined in this little tiny living room. Like the lazy boys fully reclined in this little living room. And Hank's mother, Kate, she met him. My wife never met her. But Kate was like, why are you so scared of this man? She goes, why are you so scared of this man she goes why are you so scared of this of this lady who can't move and then when she said that i was like what am i scared of she was like a bond villain that controlled everyone's life from a chair with disappointment and this like and everyone so eager to please you know i've always my father's one of the funniest people i've ever met

i'm including other comedians and uh but he sort of of gets into a room and you don't know he's there type of thing. Right. My mother has all the stage presence in the world and nothing to say. So it could have gone the other way. Right. Could have gone the other way, right? My mother, I swear to God, if she walks into a room, everyone shut up. But no matter what the room, just sort of a bit scared.

People that don't know her. Yeah, people that don't know her. She that don't know her she had a presence about her that that she she stopped everything if you're at a dinner party and then my mother would go i have a joke and you go and everyone would just everyone would put down their cutlery yeah like okay yeah she had that going on i mean my first thought is how did it affect your relationship with women? Are you like very docile? Okay, so I've said some misogynistic things on stage, right? Oh, God, I'm going to get in trouble for saying this. Yeah.

Okay, I've said some misogynistic things on stage. And obviously, I mean, I'm joking about that. You know, I'm telling jokes. I don't believe all of it, you know. Right. But my abuser was a fat woman yeah to this day when i meet fat women i do have a little bit of trepidation yeah about it i have i have a little bit of ptsd i have i have a a um um i have a stereotype that is not completely fair,

and it's my problem, right? But totally understandable. But if you met a woman who was abused by her father and he had a moustache and he was abusive and all that stuff, he wouldn't want to marry a guy with a moustache. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And that's where I'm at with the whole thing. So you have to marry well-weighted like the correct way you have no choice look i know i'm in trouble already no no but what you just said in reverse everyone is on their side yeah but if it's if a woman says i don't want to marry over the mustache the abusive relationship okay so my auntie was also a big fat woman and my cousins had problems with their mom you know they're both they were both pain in the ass human beings and piggeries piggeries piggeries and so that's the whole thing that's part of the reason as well that i i have to fast because if i if i dislike if i can't get fat, right? Yeah, then you're just as guilty as her. Then I'm her.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's, yeah. What about relationships beyond the size thing? Like if a woman severely abused you. The worst thing I can say to my wife in an argument is you're just like my mother. Yeah.

That's like if I'm really digging in the hills in an argument. Yeah. If we get into an altercation, I say, oh, you're just like my mother. Yeah. That's like if I'm really digging in the hills in an argument. Yeah. If we get into an altercation, I say, oh, you're just like my bloody mother. The things you say like that. She's never met my mum, but she knows fights on if I've said that. Is that. And my mum's name was Carolyn. And my son's very, my 11-year-old's very funny.

With his mum, right right if his mother gets all worked up and angry at him or something like this you'll go all right carolyn it's like great she's become like synonymous with like painful people so when you say why would you say that to your wife i if we're having an argument she said something, you know, I'm very sensitive to words that are said to me. I'm like, you know, I, I have a thick skin when it comes to like,

sort of stand up. I'm confident enough in the knowledge that I'm funny, that if you tell me I'm not funny, I don't give a fuck what you think. If you think I'm not funny or, or that you don't think I'm the best comic in the world or what, you know, I'm all right with that,

but you can hurt me pretty easily if you know me and you're yeah you're my wife you can she knows where to she knows yeah she but she my wife's wonderful person she's you you marry into the family right and it's like i i have like these new people in my life that i never thought i'd have a mother-in-law that i adore i adore my mother-in-law i i talk to my mother-in-law on the phone quite often just just kicking it yeah well also my mother-in-law's only like like nine years older than me or something you know what i mean so it's it's it's yeah um we're close enough in age that it doesn't, you know. But, yeah, me and her, we chat and stuff like that.

I like when she comes and stays in the house. I kind of enjoy that. You know, my dad's old, old now, you know. When I think about my dad, my dad's like the same age as Biden. And my dad hasn't lost his marbles, but I wouldn't put him in charge of taking care of a bit of paper you know what i mean like it's like how does biden how the fuck do we have these people i think i mean i'm stupid in that i think biden's mentally acute but it doesn't it doesn't matter

but the shuffling doesn't help this is the thing it can be mentally acute and that's also but you still have the opinions of someone in their 80s. Yeah. You still grew up really not knowing how to use a computer, really. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like there'd still be things like that. Right, but then Trump's cutting things out of the newspaper.

My father does that. My father is never like, he grew up like quite poor and he never received gifts as a kid or anything like that. And then my 10-year-old got like like i got a letter from granddad right you got a letter from granddad let's open it up right yeah and inside of it is my father saw a cute picture of a koala and my son always said how much he likes koalas yeah he's in australia you saw i saw a cute picture of a koala in a magazine and cut it out for you and then mailed it to america yeah we can google cute koalas all day yeah and so my son's like what do i do with this okay you keep it you

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She pulled me aside in the last year of life. She was out of the lazy boy? Well, I've got a story about that. But she said, she goes, I can't remember much of it, but I assume you're telling me the truth. Because your brain blocks out mistakes you've made. Your brain protects you so you're not miserable all day yeah my mom only remembered one or two incidences and i believed her she didn't remember the rest she only remembered

being a good mom you know what i mean and so so so i couldn't really argue with that and she goes but if you said that i know i didn't i'm so sorry and she cried and it took like obviously she was thinking about saying this for a long time and she she did it very quickly i need to talk to you i'm sorry you know what i mean right and then after that i was like the weight off my shoulders of of being angry at this person or you know what i mean it didn't it didn't matter anymore and then as i said just an old lady and so so i i this is i'll tell you the story of how she died because i think this speaks to her as a person everything because all right so so she kept on falling over all the time okay i've got they really do become like kids i mean where it's like the stories are the same I have one sentence

That makes me sound really old My mother had polio Right So she still had post polio syndrome So she had like sort of rickety joints And stuff like that She spent like a lot of She spent like two years of her childhood bed ridden

Almost dying from polio And that's when people Visited her She spent like a lot of her child, spent like two years of her childhood bedridden, almost dying from polio. And that's when people visited her. And so my mother was always in hospital. She always found a way to get into hospital. I think she equated hospital with love because that's when she had the most visits. That's when people came and saw her and checked on her. Otherwise people weren't coming to see her.

So she kept on falling over all the time. And Australia, you know, public healthcare, the ambulance would come and lift her back up. otherwise people weren't coming to see her so she kept on falling over all the time and australia you know public health care the ambulance would come and lift her back up and every like once a week we were getting an ambulance on the government's dime right and uh and then they were starting to say if you keep doing this we're going to have to get your section and put you into home and all that stuff all right certainly her balance cleared right right so no she'd fall over in the in the hallway in the middle of the night coming to bed because she only did one trip a day she'd come to the

lazy boy and then she'd go to bed yeah she'd she finished up her lazy boy work she'd finish up a lazy boy day uh-huh she'd she was a night out i'd be like three in the morning my dad goes to bed at like 9 p.m she'd fall over in the hallway hallway. Gary, Gary, Gary. My dad would have to come out. And then like he couldn't lift her up. You know, he's an old bloke. So in the morning he would get all the old blokes, all the dads that I remember from my childhood, they're all old blokes.

They all still live in the street. Great. They all come over and they'd prop her back up onto her feet, right? But you couldn't call them till the morning. So she had to lay the whole night in the hallway. This happened several times. Like a corpse. Yeah.

My father would throw her a blanket and a pillow, right? And then my cop brother was like this, don't give her a blanket and a pillow because if she dies, you'll be seen as an accomplice. You know what I mean? That's funny. You'll go to prison because of your generosity with the pillow and the blanket, right?

Yeah. He goes, you have to get an ambulance. You can't just have a 79-year-old woman sleeping in the hallway, right? What would he be guilty of? Neglect, not calling an ambulance. Oh, God, okay. You know what I mean? Things like that.

But she didn't want to call the ambulance because he thought the government was going to kick her out of the house. So she was just sleeping in the hallway wherever she fell, you know. Right? So I say to her, I go, Mom, I said, you've got to go to a nursing home. Me and my brothers got together. I said, you can't get to the toilet, right? You need medical aid. Because there's so often that people are sort

of painted as being like and then they put their mother into a nurse yeah and it's like in in asian culture the old people are revered when we just get the fuck out of here you couldn't lift her up she needed medical people yeah she needed a bed with a chain and her things. That's where she needed to be, right? For her polio. Yeah. So I said, look, mum, it's on me. I said, you find the nursing home you want, right? Yeah. I assumed she was going to find one that was close to dad so he could visit all the time, right? She's fucking trying to get into one with a view of Sydney Harbour.

And I went, all right, okay. I'm not paying for views. Yeah. You get the nicest room you can get, right? So we found a really nice nursing home. What's the cost, by the way? Well, this is the thing. They can take it just out of your house.

You can do it rich or you can do it poor. Right. You can pay like the monthly rent, which is you know like your three grand four grand like australia five grand a month type of thing right and then you can have they can have just the cafeteria food and you can pay for an extra upgrade where oh we're having prawns tonight yeah right and uh and my mom went i want this one one. This home has a park. I go, you don't walk now. All of a sudden you're going to become an athlete in the nursing home.

Right? So anyway, eventually she picks one that she'll like. And the nursing home's like this. Okay, for the first month to two months you share a room because you've got to wait for some cunt to die, right? You don't go straight. They don't have empty beds. You go in the two-seaters until someone dies,

then you move into a room until you die. And then, you know, like it's how it goes. And my mother goes, if I have to share a room with a person, I'll kill myself. And I'm like, this is everything I need to know about you. What if you make a new friend? What if you get a bit of company and you make a new friend? And she goes, no, I'll kill myself.

How are you going to kill yourself? She goes, I'll roll out of the bed and break my neck on the floor. Then you'll just be a quadriplegic. Yeah, things got worse. Not a solution, the worst problem. And then she's like, I'm going to go to the home. I'm going to kill myself. All right, okay, you'll go to the home.

Eventually she fell over a few more times and she agreed. She goes, I do. I can't.'m going to go to the home. I'm going to kill myself. All right. Okay. You'll go to the home. Eventually she fell over a few more times and she agreed. She goes, I do. I can't. I need to go into a home. Right? And so the day came that my mother was going to go into a home. And she at that stage couldn't get in and out of cars. Not because she was big.

She just couldn't bend and be pulled out. So then ambulance came to take my mother to a hospital, to the home. This was the last time she was ever going to – she'd lived in that house for 51 years. That was the last day she was going to spend in that house. And she goes, before I go, I'd like to go to the bathroom. And they're like – so they help her. I assume she's been wearing diapers or something.

I don't fucking know. But they put her in the bathroom. She has the walking frame so they help her. I assume she's been wearing diapers or something. I don't fucking know. But they put her in the bathroom. She has the walking frame in front of her. The ambos are standing there and she goes to the bathroom on that toilet for the last time. She stands up and her shin just snaps like this. Like that. Blood starts pissing out all over the floor like this.

Who breaks their leg in front of ambulance drivers? They were watching. They rush over. They're straight in with Valium or morphine. They've injected. Boom. Now she's passed out. Just laying there, right?

Broken shin bone sticking out. Compound fracture. Compound fracture. She's just laying there. They can't lift her up. She's too- She's dead weight. She's dead weight.

She's too heavy. There's only two of them. They call another ambulance. Now we've got four ambulances. She's in heaven. Yeah, she's on morphine. There's medical people around her. There's getting attention, yeah.

This is just, there's vehicles, woo, woo, at the front like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Four people. They can't lift her. they can't lift her. They can't lift her. They call a fire truck. So we now got two ambulances and a fire truck. Now the hallway,

my mom was a bit of a hoarder, had a few things stacked up. It was the hallway gotten thinner over the years. The firemen, they don't give a fuck about things like that. Yeah. They're just throwing shit out in the front garden. Just.

How did she like getting her, her room fucked up? Well, she's on morphine. My dad's like this, oh, bloody hell. And he's looking at it. There's a blood stain out in the front of the thing. Oh, fuck me. Oh, I'm going to have to put this all back, right?

Because this is now just his home. So the firemen threw everything out in the garden, and then they dragged her out. They put straps underneath her, and they dragged her out on morphine, just like that. She gets into the ambulance. They take her to the hospital. They do surgery.

They put pins in her legs, right? And I've just heard this in America. Yeah, her mum's all right. She's broken her leg. She didn't make it to the nursing home. She's in hospital with pins in her legs. All right. And then she got an infection in the leg and then they gave her antibiotics

to get rid of the infection and that killed her kidneys. And then they said, oh, you can go into dialysis or whatever. And she goes, let me die. And they're like, all right, well, just keep on pumping you full of drugs. They're like, you've got five days. So I get to fly back right away while she's just man that's a good death that's like i mean you hate the leg part must have been awful the leg part was awful but what i found weird was so i sat by my mother's bed for four days

we didn't leave her side i just sat there and the doctor who did the surgery on the leg he checked on it because that was his part of the job yeah he came in and checked on it and i'm like it's like it's like checking on the tires on a on a fucking car wreck yeah what are you doing man i have like a vintage car yeah yeah like a very old car it's gone off the car had polio yeah and so uh yeah so that's actually part and i was i was by a side at the end and it was uh it was uh it was very i don't know i i i have you lost a parent yeah my dad okay so were you there no i found it cathartic, but I also, it was very hard. It's very hard to watch someone die over a short amount of time. I wasn't like when last breath, but I was there like two days before.

I dated a girl. Oh, God, I think I can tell this story. Yeah, okay. Okay, so I dated a girl many years ago. Very nice girl, but her father was dying. ago very nice girl but her father was dying and uh we didn't uh i i was like ready to break up with her but then the dad's death was like three months away so i can't do it before then you can't do it three you gotta wait three months after the yeah so i'm locked in about six months here or something like that you know what i mean and then he lasted like six months and i'm like i mean this for a while and then and then i was i came to she was sitting by his bed and i came to

visit and he never liked me because he knew i wasn't going to stay around for the time i came to visit and brought her food and he sort of just went and stared at me and then died and i was like oh man literally like you walk in and the guy's dead five minutes later it's like and then the rest of the family wasn't there and then they all showed up and i had to sort of tell what happened you have to tell of and but not get too like like not too graphic but you're like he was peaceful just shit that wasn't necessarily none of them like me as well i was like 20 years old or something you know what i mean so i was like yeah he seemed yeah happy kept talking about you guys oh yeah wish you were there yeah yeah yeah you want to be being there i

don't i don't know because because they you also what do people know of their deaths when did what do they remember of it like after they're dead after they did nothing yeah right but coming up to the like to the is it just like endorphins going through or is there like all right it's a coming well you know what that thing i heard uh that thing where you release dmt yeah when you die yeah the the guy was like yeah but you also release like a lot of other shit so it's not just like i'm dmt now it's like you release indoor like a lot of positive chemicals so i think it's largely peaceful i don't know why people want people there because like hey you know your greatest fear come watch it yeah we're all dying alone yeah yeah when people go you're done what if you don't get married down alone it's like i'm not

going to be i'm going to be very preoccupied yeah i always say that to my wife i'm like she's got some years by herself yeah she's got some definite years by herself because yeah because my wife's 13 years younger than me and a vegan and i'm just like do you want to live for fucking ever like like my wife has like i'm drinking like plastic yeah she'll only drink out of glass bottles yeah she won't use a frying pan with teflon yep because the chemicals and stuff i'm like all right you're gonna be living alone for a long time yeah yeah and also i'm not one of these people i don't hey honey if you're watching i don't want you to be happy you know how after you die everyone tells the wife you should date again you

want you to be happy no no no i a deep horrible depression i want i want you to just miss me and never move on with your life yeah no no i i i assume she'll probably remarry or something yeah fine yeah yeah you don't own her when you're dead who cares exactly i'm still curious as to how No, no, no. I assume she'll probably remarry or something. Yeah, fine. Yeah, yeah. You don't own her. When you're dead. Who cares? Yeah, exactly. I'm still curious as to how.

Were you afraid of women? Do you think the mom made you more misogynistic? Okay, so when I heard her car pull up every day, my body shivered, like filled with fear. Yeah. To this day, if I hear a car pull up and a garage door making that noise, I go, okay, I assume the fun's over or I'm in trouble or whatever. So the Tesla has really changed me life. I've got a lot less fear now on a daily basis like of your wife girlfriend

it would the same if you if i if i heard the car pull up i would still my initial reaction would be fear and how long would it last oh it wouldn't be a few seconds okay if you say well you go okay i'm okay i'm okay yeah right but But as a kid, it would be like I was running around trying to cover up whatever I'd been thought I'd been doing wrong. Yeah, even if it was fine. Yeah. And I always thought I was a real bad person as a kid. And I look back, I was a pretty nice kid.

Yeah. I was a pretty gentle kid. I didn't get into too much trouble at school. You know, my grades weren't good or anything. But I think I would have had good grades if my parents didn't make us all we that my parents were more into us working than how we did at school you know having an after-school job i was working at mcdonald's for like 25 hours a week and then my parents were like why haven't you done your homework when when like i'm fucking 15 yeah i'm trying to kiss girls, go to school.

Yeah, that's all I'm up to. I haven't got any other time to, you know, get in any other trouble. So what did you ask, sorry? The question was how did it affect your relationship with women? It affected, I've gotten better over the years. And with therapy, I've definitely gotten a lot better with the, I had an unjust opinion on women, especially when I was in relationships, that they were bullies, that they were always trying to put me down

or stifle me or something. And sometimes I need to be told off if I'm acting like an idiot or something. It wasn't that they were doing anything wrong. They were just – I wasn't being a very attentive boyfriend or a good husband or whatever. And so I have several times flipped an argument and just gone, you're gaslighting me like my mother did. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And I think the term gaslighting is well overused. I think I agree with you. Well overused. We're on a journey with gaslighting. Yeah, you're gaslighting. Maybe it's something that that person needed to bring up. Yeah.

Maybe it's not gaslighting. Maybe that was something that's been playing on their mind that they want to resolve with you. Yeah. Right? It's the other thing, when you said anxiety, it's like it feels like everybody I meet now is like, I suffer from anxiety.

And it's like we're meant to have a certain amount of it. I was talking to Joe about trauma, the word trauma, right? I do a whole thing in my act now about it. But I've also pervaded, I've been, most of my blocks, three mics are basically about trauma, right? But now I see that it's so overused and it doesn't offer a way forward. It's just like so trauma. And I have my trauma trophy case and that trauma and that trauma. And it's like, you know, you got to get on with it.

I'm getting anxiety at work. Yeah. Because you haven't finished your job. How much money have they given you? You haven't finished your job. That's why you get anxiety before exams because it's your body going, well, you better not fuck this up. Yeah. Because you haven't finished your job. How much money have they given you? You haven't finished your job. That's why you get anxiety before exams because it's your body going, well, you better not fuck this up. Yeah.

You better pay attention. Yeah. I'm putting fear into you because you need to fucking. It's like an hour before you go on. Yeah. People go, do you get nervous? I'm like, I get very alert. I'll say that.

I don't. I do get nervous. But it's like, yeah, and I should. I don't quintessentially get nervous, but my body starts doing different things. Your body really has to pee about two minutes before you go on. I used to have to do a shit an hour before. I have to pee right before I go on. And my dick and balls, my dick goes vroomk.

Yep. And my balls suck up. Yep. Mine get bigger. Do they bigger because you know what it is i'm getting ready for a fight yes and so it's it's they're tucking themselves away yes right yeah my buddy said you and stand up you're just getting into a car accident every night yeah yeah like every just in terms of like what it does to your body and it's like yeah and then they give you 80 of the door yeah yeah like you're getting compensated for this thing and you're getting a huge ego there's

just all positives oh it's a it's a wonderful job i i talk every now and again about quitting quitting and all this other stuff and i was going to retire for a moment there and i why i just every special i did they were getting shit And I was like, if you don't like my work, I was getting, it was getting to me. And I just, I started to believe that maybe I wasn't as good as I used to be. And if I wasn't as good as I used to be, then I shouldn't be doing it at all. You know? And so, and then, then sometimes I'll do a show and I'll go, fuck, I'm better than I've ever been. I've got tricks now that I've i've never yeah i've never had but i just sort of i i didn't

want to see the career die i i wanted to be like michael jordan and walk away or whatever but then what do you do you came back and played for the charlotte yeah he played yeah for dc and and by the way if you look at his numbers yeah they were great yeah yeah on dc because it was like ah it's a step down it's like still averaging 23 or 24 points like still nice numbers yeah so i i i sort of and also i've missed a lot of my 11 year old's childhood yeah that i regret i can see that that that to me seems like a legit and it's like it's like if i've got the money and why why am i not just looking at my kids all day yeah why i can before they don't want me to hang around with them anymore why wouldn't i take that opportunity so what i've done now is i take all the summer off yeah and so i've got all summer with them and then i work every

second weekend apart from that um so that the week that i have my son i'm on the road anyway so i wouldn't see him any more or less right than i would but you know as i'm sitting here talking about my mother and father is there a a world where in 20 years time my 30 year old son's in a podcast talking about how i fucked up you know so i feel like i've got you got to be forgiven of your parents because what if you're not that bloody good yourself i think i'm a good day but i i yeah uh i'm not gonna say you won't know yeah until your kids are 25 or 30 yeah yeah but you certainly seem into it i i i think that there was an episode of modern family and you know when you watch like something like that and all of a sudden they say something that resonates with you yeah and it was

like what kind of pussy am i sitcom 80 of all parenting is just showing up. Just showing up. And it really is. You just got to be there. You got to be at the games. You got to be at the concerts. You got to be the thing. When they're upset, you got to take their calls. And you know what I mean?

And you just got to show up. It's like I'm not the dad that, you know, I don't get in the backyard with you because I'm uncoordinated. Yeah, you can't do anything like that. I can come back and embarrass you. I try playing catch in the backyard with you because I'm uncoordinated. Yeah, you can't do anything like that. I can come back and embarrass you. I try playing catch with the kid and I'm bloody breaking windows and stuff. But I do it because I know that's a parenty thing you should do, but I'm uncoordinated.

And also with my flaws, I've got a bad temper. I'm insecure. I've got a bad temper. I'm insecure. I've got the spectrum-y autism type of thing. So sometimes I feel like I don't clue in when my kids need me at the right time. I don't know if I'm paying the right amount of attention in the right way. Does your wife be like go in there yeah yeah yeah yeah like someone's like you go in there and oh all right and i've i've learned a few things like my parenting things is like you can talk to them

in the car easier than you can anywhere else because it's not direct eye contact not direct eye contact you can talk to them really well playing like Call of Duty or something if you both got headsets on. You have both boys? Yeah. So when my son's over at his mother's house, I'll still play video games with my son for about an hour a day, and then I chat to him more that hour than I do because we're like this,

go around and shoot that person. So what happened at school? Well, that's no good. Oh, no, no i'm sure you're all right maybe he was just having a bad day shoot that bloke yeah all right and so so that well there's studies men don't like eye contact in in conversation like that's why men according to these studies would rather look at something television me and my brothers also play call of duty together and that's the closest we've ever been because we never rang each other up for chance yeah we went through a tragedy you know um recently i my nephew passed away and so you know now i'm i i feel like you know i love my brother very much i love love my niece and my sister-in-law.

They're all really good people. But I feel like now what do I do? Do I ring up and ask about my nephew? Do I ring up and check? Or do they not want to talk about it? Or am I just there? It's like when somebody's in our line of line of work and it's in a scandal yeah when do you call them yeah do you call them yeah yeah do they need you they need your help or you

or are you making this about yourself yep by doing it yeah um so i just you know playing a lot of video games with it great i'm playing a lot because it's still i think video games are going to be now that i've seen more of the internet and AI and deep fakes and bots and all that shit, computer games, video games are like extremely positive relative to that shit. Look, I'm the gun control guy and I let my kid play Call of Duty. Yeah. Right? I don't think, I was playing around the backyard with toy guns, bang, bang, bang, bang. That's all I did. Cops and robbers right and uh and you know and also when i was a kid guns fake guns

look like real guns yeah yeah that was the appeal like like you could do that in australia but now they have to be like orange with like a thing yeah like not a gun guns Guns are bad. Yeah, yeah. But I – so I don't think that – and also in Asia they have so much video – and they have no school shootings. I don't want to get into that. Yeah, yeah, of course. But no, I don't think video games are a bad thing. I think with anything you've got to limit how much your kids can play them. What do you encourage?

Do you encourage reading in your kids? What do you encourage? See, I'm a bad reader, man. I'm dyslexic. No, I know. Okay, so my father – You're're dyslexic my father was illiterate right when i was born my father had only just learned how to read and when my brothers were born my father was still illiterate and my mother taught my father how to read and my dad faked he traveled around the world your mother bring that up when she was cutting him off?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't read until you met me. Shut up. She didn't know that he couldn't read. He traveled the world as an illiterate person just for getting his glasses conveniently whenever he could fill out a form or something. Oh, bloody, I've lost me glasses. And someone would help. I can't.

I'm blind. He had 20 20 vision and he would he why was he illiterate he grew up in a rural town in australia he was dyslexic they got bored of teaching him told him at 14 to go off and get an apprenticeship he went off and became so i've got an uncle who was university educated and all that stuff it wasn't like just that our family didn't care just so he went off and became a carpenter and then no one checked in on his reading again you know what i mean and he just yeah yeah it is weird like somebody pointed out to me the reason uh mcdonald's has numbers yeah and pictures yeah it's for people that can't read yeah i think tracy morgan told me

that like they just go like what let me get a two two i know two yeah and it's that picture that i want that thing and then you just go to your left and it says two and then that you've got food well he used to he used to uh sit on the on the on the veranda and read on the roof yeah well he used to sit on the veranda and read uh the newspaper like act like he was reading it like like once and he could not read he couldn't read Well, he used to sit on the veranda and read the newspaper, like act like he was reading it. And he could not read. He couldn't read.

And so he'd be turning the pages waiting to see my mother like this. And he'd get a gist off some of the headlines. He could pick a word or like very pigeon-y. Okay, you have dyslexia on here. How is your, what it what is what's happening when you look at words the beginning the middle's jumbled all right yeah middle's jumbled and this you know so when we did the jim jeffrey show we had like a teleprompt and i had to read that and then i basically started learning like i've never written any of my routines down i've never written a joke down i just sort of of, you know, think of them and do them. And I don't, I'm not,

I have a laptop. I haven't opened my laptop in years. I'm part of the writer's guild. Every time I do it, write a sitcom, I've written all the sitcom episodes I've written, I've written word for word, but I've just laid down on a couch like I was in therapy and just talked it out and just talked out the whole script and come up with me and then gone straight through it, right? And so I'm not a big fan of reading. I host a game show at the moment in Australia. This is the 1% Club. And it's all right because it's 15 questions over the course of an hour.

I couldn't do a show with a speed round or anything like that. I'm very interested in being a game show host now. I'm very interested in it. I like the job. It's the best job in show business. It's the best job in show business. That and band leader for a late night show. Mate, you're just giving away money, right?

People are happy to be on the show. Yeah. No one's getting into you for your opinions because you don't give them. Right. Like I'll get in trouble for something i said here with somebody write something and you can read it or i'll read i won't read it i won't i know you're not gonna read it i'm not gonna read right so so i i you can get but when it's a game show i read my comments about me being a game show host i don't give a shit that people think oh but when it's a game show, I read my comments about me being a game show host. I don't give a shit.

The people think, Oh yeah. Like it's not, it doesn't say anything about you. It's not like the way he took that answer should a real lack of humility. But I tell you what, like I get, cause my,

my game show has 14 to 15 questions an episode. I see the questions before I go out there. So I'm pretty familiar with them when I'm reading them. So it's very easy for me to read. I've practiced them about three or four times before I I go out there. So I'm pretty familiar with them when I'm reading them. So it's very easy for me to read. I've practiced them about three or four times before I've gone out there. I would have been a good host on Is It Cake or Deal or No Deal. Yeah. I was up for the new Deal or No Deal.

Like I wanted to. The one that. Oh, who did it? Oh, I don't know who got the job. But it's coming out. Not Howie. Not Howie. But like I, you know, when I say up for it, I threw me hat in the ring i probably wasn't even on the short list but you know like but um i i did a

game show and it's very good money i did a game show in australia because i watch game shows i thought i still think it's one of the best bits of family entertainment you can have as a game show because family feud is a perfect tv show steve har Harvey is as talented a human being that's ever fucking lived. Once you've hosted a game show, then you watch the Mozart. That is Steve Harvey. Yeah. He laughs with the, it may not be, but what seems to be a genuine laugh. Walks to the camera when somebody says something wild.

A hoe. A hoe. A hoe. Does a little side look. Yep. Yeah. With the audience. Yeah. Right?

He fucking knows what he's doing. And so I'm like, I've never met Steve Harvey, but I give him all the credit in the world, man. He's a good game show host. So I did the game show in australia because i i applied for a few game shows out here and people just nah you're the guy who says the sex jokes and gun control and you say cunt all the time because i'm sort of synonymous with one word right more than yeah i mean yeah more than any other i don't think of it but if you

now you bring it up i'm like yeah if somebody said i comedian said cunt who was it yeah yeah so it's like i own a swear word more than most would say they own a swear word you know what i mean and so that's a double-edged sword being a cunt guy and yeah and now but also they when comedians started hosting game shows it was like what it was not a serious job no no drew carey's living large man yeah and also you film these things they're so quick to film yeah you're just doing crowd work with people yep and also you you get to watch someone win 100 grand yeah and and life-changing amount of money for them and they're crying and running around and stuff it's great yep wonderful feeling like i i don't i don't i want the contestants to win i don't give a fuck about the budget of the network or anything like that i'm i'm in it for the contestants because i think

that if you show that the audience can see it at home and yep you know so i did the australian one because i applied for a few american ones after my tv show and people could not see me as a game show host but now the game show in aust Australia is doing really well, so who knows? But I would like to be a game show host or go back. Is it for the kids, meaning to be around more? I don't want to do another topical show. Yeah. I enjoyed doing the Jim Jefferies show.

I thought we did some really good field pieces. I did too. I thought, like, my buddy Brian also wrote for it. Oh, we love Brian. Yeah, he's a great guy. Yeah. So funny. And, yeah but their field pieces were good we we had some good it looked hard we were different from oliver or anything like that we were more playful and jokey than the other shows a bit goofier and all that stuff but then you know you had to give your

opinion on everything whether you gave a fuck or not so let's just talk okay i'm happy to talk okay so like like immigration i have no problem with trans people i yeah i believe that trans is a thing do i believe they need 20 pronouns no yeah but do i care no you have as many as you want that's i i'm doing a joke like where i'm like i have a pretty controversial opinion i don't think about it much yeah yeah i have a contract i have an opinion that that you think is controversial that i don't care about yeah and it was it was a lot of things and it's somebody dies or then you know you know sometimes it was easy harvey weinstein yeah this show's easy yeah we all know what the opinion's meant to be. Yeah.

And then like how many pronouns? I don't know. Six? No, you meant to have 20. Ah. Okay. All right. So I'm in trouble, am I?

Yeah. And so right now, the war in Israel, I don't want to be on TV all the time. I want to make people laugh. You know what I mean? And no matter what my opinion is, there's people who have the opposite one. Yeah. Game shows don't matter.

And I'd love to be back in sitcoms as well. Like that sitcom, just being able to like flex a different muscle, do some acting and stuff like that. Like what do you prefer? Do you prefer directing or do you prefer doing stand-up stand-up right by a lot right but then i wouldn't want to be on a sitcom like i don't i can trick myself into thinking directing is impressive yeah stand-up is objectively impressive to me like i don't ever think i'll i'll think it's like no big deal.

So our friend Jimmy Carr quoted you to me. Great. Right? This is maybe a year ago or something. And I was having a bit of a crisis in confidence or whatever. I was talking to Jimmy about something. And it was around the same time that Jimmy was getting cancelled for the gypsy joke or whatever.

And he said, well, I was speaking to Neil Brennan and he said that we're more rare than brain surgeons. There's only about 40 people on earth that you would trust to listen to a special from, correct? He goes, well, there's more brain. And then that was like a domino that was pushed. And now I look at every occupation. As how it compares to stand-up we're

rarer than premier league footballers we're rarer than nba players we're rarer than nba legends yeah we're rarer i know and i don't and when i say that people think it's arrogant it's like it's just we're very rare yeah and that's a that's a i don't even think it's a responsibility we're not as popular as nba players we're not we people don't want to buy our merchandise and this thing like that like we're more of a niche market you should sell leather jackets but then it is when you think about it like that you go oh fuck i'm not very good there's comics who are better than me dude you have imposter syndrome on here, and I almost don't want to talk about it

because I think it's like, what are you talking about? Well, I think everybody has it. I mean, I get it, but you're so clearly great. I like to think when it comes to stand-up, I think I'm quite humble, which is really braggy to say that. No, because statistically I've done about 11 hours of stand-up, you know, at least, recorded nine, so probably 13 hours of stand-up

or something, you know, and it's all been of a pretty high standard. And I know I can get on stage in front of a group of people and have no material on me and just talk and be able to entertain them for 15, 20 minutes, like no material, right? Yeah. And so a lot of comics, you know, good comics have that skill. But then I'm like, I'm not as good as what Pryor was or I'm not as good as who Bill Burr is right now.

There's a lot of – I worked with Louis C.K. and I was like not as good as Louis C.K. and all that type of stuff. But at the end of the day, man – How far off? It's sprinting. This is where the arrogance comes in i believe i'm good enough that i can be on the bill with anybody throughout history i would agree with that and i and i'm not going to say where you go that guy's the best right but i it won't look jarring it's not going

to be it's not going to look jarringly bad that i'm on the bill you're extremely coordinated yeah yeah that comedy you're not so it's like any any any comic on earth if i was on the same bill you wouldn't go that bloke was a disappointment yeah so that's that's something yeah you know what i mean so so as you're saying like like with the the brain surgeons and all that type of stuff that it was wonderful finding stand-up comedy because with the uncoordinations and the dyslexia and the feeling like a piece of shit from my mother i found something i was better at than almost everybody else yeah and not many people get to say that about any activity totally agree yeah and so so you go and like and like the people who there's people in this industry are making 30 grand a year they're still better than 99 of the people who, there's people in this industry who are making 30 grand a year.

They're still better than 99% of the people who have tried to do this. Absolutely. It's like there was a guy, a basketball player named Brian Scalabrini. He's kind of a lumbering white dude. Yeah. And people would go, would challenge him on Twitter. Like, I'll bust your ass. And he'd go like, meet me.

Yeah, yeah. And he would meet them and make videos about it be like any at one point he said i'm closer to lebron's level of excellence than you are to mine yeah like i'm so much closer to lebron than you could dream of being they can't even express how good they are because they just have to play the position a lot of time but that's how everyone shits on luke longley yeah yes of course he was still the first australian in the nba yeah um i like what you said about stand-up is there is what have you done to help yourself like quitting this do you go to programs you have i i went to i think i get i went to ai for a bit, but I went to AA and it's anonymous.

I'm not saying anyone's names or anything like that, but there was a lot of comedians in my AA meetings. Another comedian got me in to the AA meeting and there's not enough hours in the day, man. The comedians fucking, we don't half share, do we? That's fine. Right? So when you have to go around the thing who wants to share today you got people who haven't had a drink in 40 years they're like this

yeah yeah i was struggling today i remember looking it's funny story and then you're just like oh god here we go another fucking so so i needed to i need to i need to do AA with shy people. Yeah. Well, then you're going to have to move out of LA. Do you have- No, no, no. The professional comics weren't the problem. It was the open markers- Of course. Who were getting in on the meeting.

Yeah. Who wanted time, wanted to do it in time. I think you covered the downside. I always wanted- We all have traumas with all this shit, but like there's a huge upside to the way your brain works. It's given me a living. It's got me out of a lot of trouble in my life.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And look, yeah, just the being, very often in this job, you forget that being funny is a skill because you're hanging out with comics all the time. You're in cars and stuff, and it's just banner back and forth. And you only really notice how harsh that banner gets them when a civilian's in the room.

Yeah. As soon as a civilian gets in, they're like, oh, that was a bit. And you're like, what? I didn't even notice. We just thought we were all talking to each other pleasantly. You know what I mean? Yeah. We just thought we were all talking to each other pleasantly.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But then every now and again, you'll go, I will decide to turn it on. Like I'll be at something. My wife will be at some dinner she's made me go to, and I'll actually go, I think it might be funny. Right? Yeah. Everyone likes you, and then everyone at the party is like,

what a great guy. Yeah, let me turn it on a little bit. It's so funny. And it's like i forget that i have that gear that i can just go yeah and it's insanely fast yeah yeah i yeah i remember talking to rock one time being like if somebody we're not funny when we talk to each other it's like we're so fucking funny yeah we talked about we just are immune to it yeah like you just forget like oh yeah he's like a bit bit bit bit we all fucking fucking stab the body well you you like you have funny siblings and you have like a lot of you you would have learned your banter that way right yeah big family yeah dinner yeah i i was working at a butcher's as a meat packer god damn it they were just they were just it was like 16 years old working and putting sausages on a styrofoam tray and wrapping the plastic yeah and i caddied too that was we were all funny it was like we did that as well yeah

just like a because it was all blue collar guys the steel mill had closed and now they all came to caddy so it's like oh we're 15 year olds and 68 year olds we would have smoking cigarettes 12 and up was the age yeah i started at 11 yeah and you would line up and they'd walk along like it was the slave trade they would walk along like checking your muscle definition the movie caddy shack is based on one of the places i caddy the murray's caddy there this place indian Hill in Connecticut. But yeah, it's like a very, it's pretty almost inhumane. They're like, we're so much better than you, the members of the club.

You're making a 12-year-old carry a bag for you in the heat. Yes. Two. And at the end, you're going to give him a Coke and 10 bucks. Yep. That's correct. If you're lucky, give him a coke and 10 bucks yep that's correct if you're lucky you get the coke yeah right and and it's like i i look at my son now i couldn't make him carry a bag for me in the airport his own bag wheels yeah but but uh yeah no that so the butchers was i was just in a in a fridge with blokes who just with with like mullets, Australian blokes, tattoos,

butchers just cutting up. And they all went to prostitutes every weekend. And I'd never heard so much like talk of prostitutes. I was like, what? And I was like, you know, it's legal in Australia, prostitution. But I just met these wrong-uns, just these blokes. And all they did was tell dirty jokes and talk about hookers. And I'm like, I don't know if it molded me a lot,

but I've got a 20-minute routine on prostitution right now. Yeah, maybe. Now you do? Yeah. That's great. I got my wife. My wife suggested when she had a few drinks, she said, for your birthday, how about we get a prostitute?

I was like, never, never an inkling of this ever happening. And I was like, ah, yeah. I should have played it cool. I should have just gone. Oh, yeah, you got to be like, man, I should have gone, I don't know, if it's something you're into. She went to me, goes that she goes should we go buy some condoms and i went nah they bring them as soon as i said it i went oh no i've just

played me hand she knows that i've seen prostitutes in the past well you had a bit about it right i know but even oh maybe she hadn't seen it she was like it's a comedy they bring him was that the end no she goes we're not doing it she goes she goes it's a she goes is it legal i go well it's actually we did a thing on the jim jeffrey show it's not legal in las vegas it's legal in certain counties in brothels in nevada right not in las vegas she goes well we're not doing it then and i said why not and she goes what would happen if we got caught and i went oh, ooh, what would the headline be? Jim Jefferies' wife is awesome.

Like, it's not going to hurt my career. There isn't one of my fans that if I got caught with a prostitute would be like, how is this? What? I trusted him. He was a moral leader. All right, buddy. It was great talking to you.

I hope you weren't too, didn't feel overly. I'm all right. I had a good time. I hope I didn't say anything stupid. No, I don't think you did. And if I did, we'll deal with it. Yeah. Yeah. Bye.