Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Neal Brennan interviews Nikki Glaser about the things that make her feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how she is persevering despite these blocks. Nikki's Blocks: Envy (3:28) Intimacy (38:55) Edging (40:54)  Relationships (43:47) Oversharing (1:01:46) Not Normal (1:08:25) Not A Model (1:10:17) Can’t Watch Self (1:19:14) Not Reaching Potential (1:20:10) Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme song by Electric Guest (unreleased) Subscribe on YouTube: https://bit.ly/2Lf6yvE Neal Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nealbrennan Twitter: https://twitter.com/nealbrennan Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Picture this. You finally get to the party, and it's the usual drinks and small talk. Suddenly, you spot something different. The Bold Seagram 13, a 13% cosmopolitan cocktail. You grab a can and take a sip. Suddenly, you're on a fresh adventure,

becoming the hero of your own night. Unapologetically full-flavored cocktails with a 13% punch. Seagram 13. Dare to make your own luck. Must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Available at the LCBO. Hey, it's me, Neil Brennan. I have a Netflix special called Blocks. I do a podcast now where I have other people, friends of mine, come on and tell me what their blocks are what are the things that make them feel

isolated insane crazy alone in the world today my guess we are good friends that don't text very much or hang out which is kind of the perfect friendship it is zero expectations we do forward each other an article from time to time i've known you since 2008 that's maybe yeah yeah comedy magic hermosa you were living at home i believe yeah you were like still in you would like just gotten out of college is that right yeah i mean 2008 yeah it was two years out yeah jesus neil nikki, everybody. Hooray. I was just sitting here being like, why am I not nervous? Because you're kind of a big deal. And it's my level of deal is like hard to read.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Where you're like, are you? Sometimes I seem like it. Other times I'm just like, I don't know. Just doing stuff. Yeah, you've never intimidated me and you should. No, I shouldn't.

Because you are so funny and smart and cool. I'm no funnier than or smarter than like you have the same well that's that's nice of you but yeah i i it's just nice to um be peers with you it feels cool because i feel like yeah you should be someone i get nervous around but i like knowing you from we were both doing five minutes yeah in her most so it's not like you know i don't see it's like little nick it's like you did start stand up later i started stand later so i was like a tv person right so at the comedy cellar i don't know 2015 you did uh almost a whole set about how everyone on the subway had just jizzed or they were gonna jizz it was like real it wasn't like material you were just like obsessed with how how like gooey sex is

and like yeah there's like intimacy balls that is either They want it to come out Or it just got drained Or like Everyone's thinking about sex That everyone Is driven by it And that is I think I feel like that What makes me so sad

About aging Yeah That like became That became almost like The focal point of your act Yes Like where it just became Like this

Good point Like This is all so weird We're all thinking about it All the time It motivates everything we do. Unless you're asexual. And even then, like, you can't.

You're thinking about how you're not into it. Yeah. Or, but you don't know. People are, you're getting jobs. You're getting opportunities because people want to fuck you. Regardless if you want to get, fuck them. Like, so it's still affecting your life constantly. Like, this couch was designed by someone who wanted to get laid.

By designing this couch, if it was cool enough, everything that's done, this mic stand, it's created so you can get laid. Now that's very like a male drive. I'm doing this to convert it into sex. Right. Well, I just figured this out. But I'm saying, what is the female version of that? Is it being attractive? Let's throw a block up real

quick. Let's just very quickly say a block that we have for you that will go with Envy. Envy, I mean, you sent me an article by Albert, I want to say Brooks. His last name is Brooks and he writes for the arthur

brooks arthur brooks yes i always think it's albert brooks at first when i read it okay so arthur brooks wrote a um it's a happiness column for the atlantic yes and because i talk to you about this my blocks all the time that's my favorite thing to talk about well that's i like how dark you are and like openly dark yeah i mean i every podcast i go on i end up talking about my blocks and so this is so nice to be on a podcast where it's like expected of me and because people are always like she's not even funny she just talks about her hang-ups it's like that's interesting i don't know i know i'm with you i'm i built a small career around that it was just brutal honesty and i think that that's

that's my favorite comedy is just saying the thing that's honest and and and i looked it up envy and jealousy i never really knew what the difference was i knew there was a difference so jealousy is like you're scared of losing something i'm jealous of that girl because my boyfriend's talking to her i might lose my boyfriend so jealousy needs three parties you the thing that you don't want to lose and something else whereas envy only needs two you just want something that someone else has and i do not have jealousy like i don't mind if my boyfriend were to sleep with another woman. I just don't.

At all. If he didn't lie to me about it, if he was just like, I, if he told me I really want to sleep with this woman, I don't think he would want that. But I might feel jealous if she was like cooler than me or if I really thought it was a threat. But sexually, I just don't. I separate that from I just think it's like, oh, I want to play tennis with this person or like I think of sex is just like a past. I just think and I know and oh, I want to play tennis with this person. Or like, I think of sex is just like a past. I just think and I know and I maybe I don't know, but I do think that men look at sex is so transactional and like just like an eating a meal by that a woman cooked that is other than your wife.

I would never say that, but like, I'm not going to disagree with you saying that. I think it's not for every man feels that way and they'll deny it to the death so that they don't get in trouble with. I'm going to affirm what you're saying. I will tacitly agree, but I don't want to be on the record as having. Right. I think it's beautiful that that can happen, that it gives me a freedom. You also seem frustrated by your emotional connections that you get from sex. Yeah.

Men can have sex and not get connected. And I get so connected. I need to be connected to have sex. And then after sex, I get even more connected. And it feels like a drug, which I know many men are addicted to sex. But it makes me angry that I can't have the same kind of detachment with it. Like you can't have one drink. Yes, exactly. So you have envy. Are you envious of? I'm envious of youth, beauty, beauty cleanliness just girls that just like women always women i'm not jealous of men let me just be gay men no no i've never considered myself a

female comic like i do now but when i first started out i was just compared myself to everyone i was like and now for some reason it's split and i I just compare myself to women. If a man's like so funny and successful and hot, I just doesn't bother me. But if a woman is those things, um, it feels like you should be able to do that. Do you then judge yourself for that impulse or do you just fucking hit the gas and go? I now I'm starting to judge myself for the impulse because I know how destructive it is. I know how bad it is for women, for me to envy other women, because what it leads to is me

not sharing their work with other people, not watching their clips because I don't want to give them another view because I'm so jealous of how good, I don't even want to see how good they are. So I won't watch them. Now I get to not even enjoy good standup. Yeah, you're depriving yourself.

Yeah, of learning something or looking at just enjoying comedy yeah and i can't enjoy it because i'm just so jealous or comedy aside just women who are organized or who like to cook or who like to design who like to redo their houses this is the thing i've noticed about women that sort of goes i think women all acknowledge it amongst each other but yeah i don't think men know women's level of perfectionism is like communist China. It's you're all your own gymnastics coaches. Mine's like North Korea.

It's like, I mean, I like cyber bully myself. I'm like that girl who tried to like get that her boyfriend to kill her. So like I say things to myself that's like, try, I'm going to get you to kill yourself by like saying to me, zooming in on things about myself. I I say things to myself. That's like, try it. I'm going to get you to kill yourself by like saying the mean zooming in on things about myself. I'm completely critical of myself and I'm critical of others though. That's the thing because I'm worried they'll be critical of me.

So I, the only reason I'm worried that anyone's going to criticize me is because I'm fucking critical. TikTok. The first time I ever kind of went into that, I just knew how bad it could get. Cause I was just seeing these young girls dancing or, and then I'd look in there like 13 and,

you know, getting jealous of children for their skin and their hurt little butts. And I'm like, this is making me feel gross, but this is, you're a pedophile. It made me feel like this, this is what men want.

This is what's working. Right. Sorry. It is these little girls. Right. Sorry it is. Right. These little girls in these booty shorts that are like, they're definitely underage. And it's not, you know, porn, but it feels bordering on that. And I would literally be jealous of children because they're getting attention from men. And that made me feel fucking insane.

And like, oh, so I got to do this. And I'm like, I can't. That's so crazy. Dude, I used to. I mean, I don't mean that in judgment. No, it's crazy. fucking insane and like oh so i gotta do this and i'm like i can't that's so crazy dude i mean i don't mean it i don't mean that in judgment i mean in a way of like i'm jealous of little girls because they were getting pedophiles attention not even because i think oh i think men like young women whether they are pedophiles or not this this this kind of area there's like there's the fertility thing exactly these are fertile

young girls that might not be legal and let's not they're not they are children but i'm just saying like it just confirms i'm thankful to say that i've never i need to stop this podcast right now i've never been a tribe i wasn't i like women like i don't like i've always known you as someone who likes women i've never seen you with girls that i go oh jesus christ he's you know like even barely legal i mean it's out there people with girls that I go, oh, Jesus Christ. He's, you know, like even barely legal. I mean, it's out there. People want girls that look super young. So this isn't anything new.

It's so gross. It's so gross. Just barely. She won two weeks ago. Same body, wasn't legal. I like it. But she was just born premature. If she would have been born on time,

she would be illegal No of course Nikki everyone knows that this is an accident of birth She's got the maturity She was born late She was induced This is the thing though I'm going to start a website called induced Girls that are a week late They're illegal but they are technically not if

they would have been born on their duty like they shouldn't be i have been this way though my whole life like i because i like you said you have the block and then you judge yourself for having that block right so i have this i'm i'm embarrassed that i'm jealous of young girls and like i was a young girl once i i remember older women getting like being like young girls. And like, I was a young girl once. I remember older women getting like being like, ugh, young girls. I mean, like, shut up, you old bitch. You were me once too. Like, I didn't understand. But now I get it. Like this, it's envy that turns into disgust and it makes you feel like, I just, I just feel terrible about it. But I, and happened many times in my life that my parents, I would say something and they'd go, what did you just, you know, like you say something honest and just too weird.

This was probably eight or nine when I first started noticing that like youth equals. You have a sister, right? Yeah. I have a young sister who's very beautiful. That didn't click in until I was in like, I think eighth grade. She was in sixth grade. She came to my middle school and all of a sudden it was like, she really blossomed and was like just this beautiful young girl. And that caused a whole different thing. But this was even before then I kind of started clocking that

youth and beauty was an important thing. And I remember asking my mom once, do you ever get jealous of me? And she was like, no. And I go, she goes, why would I get jealous of you? And I go, cause I'm younger than you and I'm like and I'm fucking dad and I'm hello I'm fucking your husband you dumb bitch and that's you're not like

my dad does love me a lot and I can see others where does you have good parents I have really good parents like you can just tell they're like come around you're not embarrassed by them they're not embarrassed by you they seem cool you your dad plays doesn't mean that they didn't fuck me up okay and not intentionally but i just it wasn't neglect emotional at times i think you know there's like my parents like to party and they're and they were just you know they raised catholic themselves so they had the trickle down catholicism that kind of permeated my childhood but My parents like to party. Oh, okay. And they were just, you know, they raised Catholic themselves.

So they had the trickle down Catholicism that kind of permeated my childhood. But they're so cool now. And I have such a good relationship. And I've been through enough therapy that I've mourned the loss of whatever mom and dad I thought I should have. And I just love the ones that, and I'm so grateful for them now. And I still feel like I am scared to have a daughter because I might be jealous of her. And not only the attention she would get from my husband, I know this is wild, but just like she's a younger

version of me and like, I don't know, she has her whole life ahead of her. I get jealous of any young girl being like, oh my god, they get to like go to prom and like, and all these things that I didn't really have fun doing. You should focus maybe on like the potential sexual assaults that they have to face. I i know i didn't have any

of those as a child thank fucking god but that's what i look at young women that's like my niece two of my nieces went to the university of alabama oh my god and i was like i'll pay you not to drink i'll like fucking pay you not to go to parties at the university of alabama i love that you said drink because that's a huge fucking issue. Have you read Malcolm Gladwell's Talking to Strangers? I haven't read it. There's an alcohol section, right? There's a part in it about, like, we don't have a rape problem, we have an alcohol problem.

And it's like so, he got, I think people were freaked out about it because it's like, no, this is a rape issue. And it's like, men don't rape as much with they're not drunk. And women don't rape as much with they're not drunk and they women don't like find themselves in circumstances where they get raped as much it's just true and there's no judgment based i used to blackout drink like i found myself in so many situations that could

have happened there's that doesn't mean you're asking for it i'm not saying any of that but it is part of the problem and i like that you said i'll pay you not to drink because that will yeah very much help you not on the record i up. 50% of sexual assaults have alcoholism involved. And that's reported. That seems low. That's reported. Those are the ones that go to the cops. So it's like, so that's 50.

So I would put it more at like 90. When you're drunk, you also, as a woman, anything that happens, you feel responsible. You feel like I shouldn't have done that. Like when I used to drink, it was chronic guilt after you drank. Of i said it was there was never any like you did that or i it was everything was my fault everything you forfeit all your rights of like self-defense and like so you're right i mean think of how many already don't go reported and then on top of that

if you're feeling like i i'm'm going to get blamed for this anyway. And I probably didn't remember it right. Or like, I mean, I remember a guy grabbing my ass and he was just like, no, I didn't like in this bar. And he goes,

no, I didn't. And I felt like, oh yeah, I like don't have a good ass. Like, why would he do that? Like,

I felt like if I, I don't have a good enough, he was like disgusted with the idea that he would grab my ass, but I felt it. But then I convinced myself, no, it didn't happen. It must not have,

because he seems so much like, ew ew why would i grab your ass and i was like oh yeah i don't know yeah why would you yeah i'm gonna go yell at him he like whiffed it it's not that it's an illusion have you always been a little bit this dark yeah like since you were six yeah always saying things that people just go like you'd say you're the kind of girl who would say to her mom are you jealous of me yes or like when john benet ramsey died i remember being like good because she was so pretty like i remember having that thought and going i'm gonna keep that one to myself because i know that's fucked up i had the same thought and i was 22 just like always just real real dark so you just came out of the box kind of predisposed to this

which i'm grateful for now because it's turned into a career but it plagues me and it's like it definitely has sapped my happiness of just wish just being being envious all the time very interesting though i mean i and it's as something that you value i know you value interesting things and people you are one oh thanks like really like you are you're very interesting as a person nice yeah but like complex the shit i like about people you are oh thanks um you've been aware of envy as like a thing oh so long and have you done anything about it starve myself i got an eating disorder i got you know i've um i've shown anything positive oh oh i thought you meant like what did you do to like i've gotten you know botox and filler and um micro you know what i want to apologize

one time i told you you look too skinny and you got mad at me this is probably was like secretly so happy no that's funny you like got legit pissed at me in Montreal. Because I thought you were going to try to borrow my jeans. Feel bad. You weren't that scared. Sweetie, sweetie. No, in Montreal, I always get so, like I would drop weight before Montreal

because I would be so nervous. And the nerves make you not eat. And then as a past anorexic, if I naturally lose my appetite, I'm like let's ride this out so what have you done that's positive you know louise hay i'm sure you've tried that who is that she's um you know no she did uh like positive affirmations and it really works but she just talks about i don't listen positive affirmation i do get i do have an app that sends me them every

70 minutes to my phone but i don't listen to them i read them every 70 minutes on my phone i'm not a maniac i've been on the affirmations for like a month and i'm already ignoring them i listened to them this morning because i was having a rough morning and it was just like you just are supposed to say to yourself 800 times a day I'm accepting of myself I'm accepting of myself and I've said it probably a thousand times today in the uber and everything and that's worked for me affirmations healed my back pain one time what the uber driver I was muttering it as he played mariachi music really loud so not racist he was white yeah he loved mariachi music yeah a lot more than just latino people can like mariachi music.

You're being racist. No, he had a guitar. Also mariachi music. There you go. He was taking mariachi lessons. There's a lot of them in LA. You've never been here. You wouldn't know.

Mariachi also is based on polka music. Looked it up because I noticed a similarity. People think that's autistic. I call it being interesting. No, autistic is interesting. Now, you were big on meditation at one point too. I was. I did it like every day, twice a day.

I was like very good Sam Harris. Told me to download the Sam Harris app. Yeah, waking up app. I'm really into Sam Harris too. His app has a bunch of lessons on it that have a lesson for pretty much anything you're going through. And it helps me. But I think just talking about it and getting it out and saying because I just realized I wish really horrible things sometimes for people because of envy like I get happy if someone gains weight I get happy if

someone loses a job I get happy at people's failure and it just it disgusted me about myself because it's just so I think the thing that breaks me of it is like you realize it's not going to work for me this isn't those thoughts aren't going to end up with me getting success. It's been proven that that doesn't work that way. Yes. But I've also seen it work. I've seen people's level of blinding ambition. I don't know anyone that's very successful. That's not also very ambitious.

And some of it involves very sharp elbows or sharp opinions or not being able to accept anybody else so like be open to it i'm kidding no you got to be an insane like Machiavellian narcissist to really have that work for you and i don't think i'm that i don't think i have that in me i'm not that much of a and you if you're judging yourself for it it's probably a good sign exactly you know what a good thing someone uh because i'm trying to think of the tools i use when i get into these spells is that i go when i'm ending something somebody would i switch lives with them if someone goes well then you can have their life would you do it and there really isn't anyone that i would actually do that for because it would mean giving up the thing then it makes you think

about the things about my life that i do like yeah because i would take on everything of their life literally everything but i wouldn't want to lose the things you also like your attitude and i like i like my family i like my dog like there are things that i like about my life that i go okay well then it makes me for you know gratitude and like i'm grateful like and also just stupid stuff of like staring in the mirror and going like and hating what I see naked or whatever. And just being like find some shit to say that's nice about yourself right now. And just forcing myself to do these things that you see on Instagram reels of like body positivity. Even if it's something as simple as I have a vagina. I have a vagina.

I have a hand that works. I have an arm. Like I hate my arms. I have an arm. Like shit like that that I just think this can't possibly work. And it does. I mean, but this new thing of like, I am accepting on myself. I am accepting on myself. I'm going to start rattling it off to myself all the time because I was on Dancing with the Stars and got really fucking injured on that show. And I had to dance that night and I couldn't move my arm. Like I was supposed to do all these

things. Like, you know, I was, I was i was first eliminated but i had to i didn't know that at the time it was the first night dancing it was live tv i was so in i prayed to be injured because i was so bad i knew i was going to be bad on the show my partner like i could tell that the light had gone out in his eyes per episode right yes but i didn't care about getting paid i just wanted to not look like a fucking fool because i didn't it's just so embarrassing doing something that like like why'd you do it if you were worried they asked and i knew that i would regret someday like i knew it someday i'd be 40 and i'd go we're 35 or i'd be like in my 50s 60s and be like you squandered that opportunity to like dance on tv and like you look good physically you get to wear

all these like leotard outfits you get to like this is a fun thing and you're not gonna do that because you're scared what people think like I just thought of future me being disappointed so I go I'm gonna do it yeah and then I did it and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and it was so embarrassing because I didn't know if I would be a good dancer or not I had thoughts I probably wouldn't be because I'd never done it in my whole life because I got shamed really early at a young, like fifth grade. My sister and mom were like, my sister learned to dance at school. And that day she came home and like taught it to, showed it to us in the kitchen. I tried to do a couple of steps of it and they were both like,

Nikki has no rhythm. Like they were both like laughing, but like didn't mean to like scar me for life. It did it. And I never danced again. They never do. The scars never meant to scars for life. And that's what makes me nervous about being a parent. You say one little thing and for the rest of my life, I didn't dance. Too much power being a parent. So much power. And it's the most innocuous thing you would never think. And so, because my mom doesn't even remember that.

Of course she doesn't. But I never danced again. I wanted to do musicals in high school, but they required a dance audition. I wouldn't do it. I was just like, I have no rhythm. So when they asked me to do this, I go, maybe I do though. Like, you know, it's been a while.

Maybe it's like secret. And I really did it. Like I am bad at dancing. But I look like I might be like a ballerina type. Like I was very thin at the time. My hair was in a bun. I remember walking in my dance partner who had never met me was like,

okay, I can work with this. And then we did like a little kind of salsa move and I could see like the light go out in his eyes because he's been on the show long enough. He knows when it's going to, he's like, I'm going to be off for three episodes. Then I'm going to be a background dancer. The rest of them, the most we would make it.

Oh, right. They're invested in you being good too. Yes, because. Right, because then they're not. And he had never gone to the semi, like the finals before with anyone. So it was like, he's just hoping to get... Wasn't it weird when he broke your arm? When he said, I can't do this anymore.

And he hit it like a chicken bone over his knee. He was this rush. He's the hottest guy I've literally ever seen in my life. His name's Gleb Savchenko. But he was, we really got along well. But then there was some point where he kind of saw the writing on the wall and was like, I think he had some insider info like this. were not going to last even an episode so he it was as if he had already signed the divorce papers and was seeing someone else and I was like

still going along like we're married and it's happy and so this is my husband he was I checked out and I was so miserable we had to do these practices every day and then I realized like this is going to be embarrassing. Like, I really want to get injured so that I have an excuse for why this is bad. You know, so I, after one practice, my Carlisle Forrester was like my assistant friend at the time. And I was hanging out with her and I was crying and I was just like, God, please give me an injury. Please. Like, I want to get it.

I was crying and she was like, don't say that. You were yelling, praying out loud. God, please injure me because i want an excuse for either to leave the show or be bad and he gave me one the next day i was training for a dance that i never even got to perform because i got kicked off and they lifted me wrong i pulled a fucking thing in my back and i i couldn't put on a shirt i couldn't move my arm and this is the that that was the day of the show i couldn't rehearse i couldn't do anything and um and they go don't worry they'll give you a shot and you'll be fine and i'm like but i don't i can't move my arm how what do you mean i'll be fine i have to go like this i have to like bend back i mean it was like an involved dance that you needed my arm and i couldn't put on a

shirt i would be like it was like the worst pain and they go we've done this before like they pretty much just like yeah they know what they're doing they had this doctor come in in the back and so i'm going to practice the the day of it's live tv and i was like in the car and this and i had been on my instagram kind of not crying about it but i had said something on instagram about being injured which i couldn't be very vocal about it because my partner saw that i had mentioned i was injured on my instagram and he goes do not tell people that because the producers are watching. And if they think you're injured, they'll fucking, you know, they'll finish us off. Like they'll kick you off because they know that you won't go far. And I go, but we're not going to go. You made a video and put a hashtag not

injured. So then I go, actually, I'm fine. But there was one person that was watching when I was kind of too vulnerable on an Instagram live. And she was like, she wrote me and I'm on my way in the car on the day in the morning. And I didn't have any time to cry because there's no crying and dancing with the stars. You just like suck it up. So I had a five minute drive from where they picked me up to the studio. And I got in and I told the driver, I was like, I just need to really cry for like five minutes. And so I'm just like, ah, and I'm just sobbing. And then I'm looking at my email and I see this email from this woman who is a fan of mine and she's a gymnastics coach. And she said, I saw on your live that you might be injured and you have to perform tonight.

I always tell my gymnasts that are injured and have to do it. Say to yourself over and over, it does work. She says, I'm prepared. I'm strong. This is easy. And say it a thousand and one times. Just say it nonstop for the rest of the day. And don't stop.

Don't say anything else. And I literally said to the driver, okay, now I'm going to start saying this mantra, if you don't mind. You must have a horrible Uber rating. Thank God this was paid for by ABC. Fuck. And he was like, whatever you need, ma'am and so i go i'm strong i'm prepared this is easy i'm strong i'm prepared this is easy and i swear this was before

i got the shot anything my injury that was like i couldn't move it at all it just started like easing up and i what is it again i'm strong i'm prepared this is easy and the truth of the matter was it all those things were true i was strong i had been training for this i was prepared i had been training and it was easy it wasn't that hard of a dance i mean it was hard for me but i all of those were true and i just and it got to the point where it didn't even make sense and i was saying it over and i started like moving my arm and this was two days of it being wrecked like couldn't move it at all and i was moving and then i went i went from believing in god to believing in in uh inspirational quotes i this made me kind of believe in like something i believe it kind of sounds like it sounds like the first thing was the injury was a miracle yes and then

the affirmations was it on your special that you said about atheists and how yeah and then they do vision boards yeah like let me show you my vision board yeah that's what that's what i've gotten to it's like there's something at play here so i go to the dress rehearsal which they had already planned to have someone else dance it for me because i wasn't had didn't have my shot yet and i was like i'm gonna try and i remember tom bergeron the host was like weren't you injured yesterday and i was like tom i've been saying this mantra and by the by the time i performed it was totally healed cut to a couple months later i was getting a cold sore and i was headed to the set of a show where i was had to do three days in a row and i never say to the driver i was like do you have any in the console uh and i felt it coming on and i was like fuck what am i gonna do they're gonna

have to like cover this up i was like i can go to go to CVS and get, I never had one for like, I think I got one years before, but I just knew I Googled it and I'm like, this is it. And I Googled what it looked like. And like, you got to be careful when you Google something like that. Cause it's going to stick in your algorithm. Oh, you got to get a burner. Oh, the thing. So that is the least of my problems on the algorithm.

Are you kidding me? Said on Google, it's like, it's past the point of like going away. And so I was like, I had 20 minutes before the car came to get me again the car and i go i can have him go to cvs and i can get one of those patches or something or a breva i'd never done it but then i go maybe i'll just like try that again and so i meditated and was just like it's time to go you're gone and like it went away and it was already like blister it was past the point of like what's this it's time to go. You're gone. I just like close my eyes and I focused on it. And I was just like,

thank you for showing up. You're an indication that I'm stressing out. And I just, you proved to me that I need to like slow down and reassess. Like you did what you needed to do. You don't need to go any further. I got the message. You did.

You, you had enough time. Like message received. Please don't blister. And it fucking went away. And so I do believe in that kind of affirmation shit. So this morning when I was struggling getting out of bed, I just put on Louise Hay and she said,

say to yourself 700, 800, 1,000 times a day, I am accepting of myself. And so that's going to be my new one. Why did you have a hard time getting out of bed? Just because sometimes it just doesn't, the machine doesn't. Yeah, I've just like gained weight recently. I don't want to put on jeans.

I just like, I don't, my face feels like it's kind of like fallen off a little bit. Like my skin is just feeling, like I'm just feeling old. I'm just like having, and it's fucking hormones, whatever. My period's coming in three days. My period's three days.

But that's the thing I've noticed about women. You can't talk. You can't. You can whisper to a herpes. You can't whisper to your period about you. Women forget that you're going to have your period and that it's making you crazy. Every single time. Every single time.

I want to drown a batch of kittens in a tub. Like this is not like me. And then it's like blood.'s like oh yeah oh and every time like no one puts it in their phone no one has an alarm no it's until you get my age and you start like tracking your fertility and what like all my friends are doing that so i do have it now in my phone but no it's but it doesn't even matter it doesn't even matter like it could be because even if you knew you knew, you'd be like, no, this isn't period based. This is, I actually really wanted round cutting. Oh,

that's another thing. I like to blame it on my period because it gives you a little bit of like, this isn't my fault. Cause it kind of isn't, but nothing's our fault. Our brains are all like, none of this is like, actually,

I don't want to think this way. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to have you change your mind. That's what I'm. So envy is a block and we go down there and affirmations has helped. Have you, what else? And meditation helped and rooting for people that you're jealous of or envious

rooting for them going like, I want her to get SNL. I want her to host SNL. I want her to be, marry a really attractive guy who loves her. So like all the things I want for myself, I wish for the person that I want, that everything in me wants her to have none of that. And I truly have to like believe it

that I want that for her. And then that's supposed to work, but it's harder to do. Because I don't really want, like I don't want that. But there are, when people go, there's enough room for everybody. No, when people say that, I go, i there's when people go there's enough room for everybody no when people say that i go no there's not women always say that and i'm i love women i'm a hundred percent of like there's no way i'm not a feminist but when you say there's room enough for all of us no there's there's usually one woman per show on line up every room i've ever

been in has a capacity yes every single it's a fire marshal there's capacity there's not room for there isn't room there's literally too many people on this earth and there's going to start being like you know pandemics to rid us like there isn't enough room and um i'm just tired of being lied to about things like that like these platitudes of there's room for all of us like support each other build us up or um you know and even body positivity bullshit i'm tired of that too totally agree but it's yeah it's i you believe in the thing i like about it and the thing that's like you're a hard ass because you are kind of fair and you believe in earning shit yeah but i also don't believe that anyone really earns anything because you

didn't get to choose your brain you didn't get to choose your brain. You didn't get to choose your parents. I agree. Everything is fucking luck. I'm so tired of, I worked for this. No one gave me anything. You were born with supportive parents. You were born in America. You were born in a place where women can even do comedy,

let alone drive or vote or walk around with their hair out. Don't act like you weren't given things. This like bootstrap shit is bullshit. It doesn't, I didn't choose any of this. So I don't feel like I'm like, I deserve anything. I always just feel like, oh, I got lucky that that's the way my brain is. And then I get envious that I'm just,

I don't get envious like, oh, they're a harder worker. I'm like, I wish I was born with a brain that was more hardworking. You know, like I look at it more logically. I say that all the time where it's like, being motivated is just an attribute that you were given. It was, it's just like having your hair color or how tall you are. It's not something that you can force.

And that is another thing that really helps me as if I'm getting down about my body or like how hard I work or just anything, but how much water I drink a day. I'm just like, if I much water I drink a day. I'm just like, if I could change it, I would like, if you could press a button and be exactly, we all would clearly there's a block there. Clearly you can't or you would. And so it's like,

I let myself off the hook a little bit because even when it's like, well, you could go to the gym. No, I couldn't obviously because I didn't go or else I would have. I just, I don't believe in free will. And that has actually really helped me a lot. Well, that's Sam Harris, right? Yeah. He's like, couldn't, obviously, because I didn't go or else I would have. I just I don't believe in free will. And that has actually really helped me a lot.

Well, that's Sam Harris, right? Yeah. He's like, doesn't. That's really hard for people to grasp. And it's scary for some people to grasp that nothing you do is up to you. Yeah. But it's there's really no debate about it. There is no free will.

You don't get to choose your thoughts. And people go, no, I do. I could pick a color and you go, Oh, I picked blue. Why didn't you pick red? Uh, because blue is my favorite color. Why is blue your favorite color? Uh,

because this it's like, but no, everything that you do, it just pops in your head. Hey, do you like me? Do you like the podcast? Do you like,

did you like blocks on Netflix and three months on Netflix? Come see me on my new tour. Brand new Neil coming to Madison, Nashville, Salt Lake city, San Diego, Washington, DC, Baltimore, Atlanta, New Orleans. Thought it was going to be New York. New York's coming. Austin, Houston, Dallas, New York. Told you it was coming. Philly, Boston, Los Angeles. Figured it would be Angeles. Los Angeles, Denver, Phoenix, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Chicago, Minneapolis, Vancouver, Toronto.

If you have a good airport, I'm coming to your city. So come fuck with me. It's a good hour and I'm coming to your city. So come fuck with me. It's a good hour. And it's called Brand New Neil. Go to neilbrennan.com for tickets. Please cure my clinical depression. Actually, it's not bad right now. Thanks to you.

I just got an affirmation. Okay. I must remember the incredible power I possess within me to achieve anything I desire. Affirmations only work if you believe in them. And I don't really believe in that one. Like the incredible power. Like some of them made me tune out where I was like, what? Yeah, we all have something in us.

But some people, people go, everyone has something in you. And I'm like, Dahmer? Like, I just think of something like. He has gifts that were just done. It's just like, he's a fucking. Every one of you has something in you. And I'm like Dahmer. Like, I just think of like, he has gifts that were just done. It's just like, he's a fucking, he's busted. There are certain people,

some people are lemons. And you know what? In those lemons, I don't even part of my whole no free will thing. Like I don't even blame people that are fucking crazy and are deranged like that. I'm like, they just got a shitty brain.

They got unlucky. Like if you were born in domer's family with his brain in his circumstance you would have done the same fucking exact thing he did predisposed to do that yeah it's like uh there's no way to change it think about something you're sexually attracted to yeah how many nights can you not do that you know as a one meaning if you like going to strip clubs and you're like i gotta stop going to strip clubs oh yeah like you can it's like uh we're women with food like you end up having to pour fucking oil on it put in the garbage then pour oil then put water then like perfume yeah windex yeah yeah you've done it so like with something

sexual there's someone you're attracted to try not texting them try not flirting with them try not oh so like if you're think about the flirtation but you want to murder them how long can you not murder them for that is so it think about whatever the thing is if you can't understand what a serial killer is dealing with or i'm dare i say a pedophile i hate to say it but like i didn't want to do not you brought up twice fucking choose to be a pedophile no one's like that seems like a cool thing to do heck of a lifestyle no one you just go fuck i got this brain god fucking damn it if you're not a pedophile. No one's like, that seems like a cool thing to do. Heck of a lifestyle. No one. You just go, fuck, I got this brain. God fucking damn it.

If you're not a pedophile, you should just be so fucking grateful. Very grateful. Because it could have happened to you. And not to say that these people aren't monsters and that they shouldn't. I believe there should be a way for pedophiles to admit that they are and get help for not. There was an NPR thing four or five years ago that covered that it was on it's really hard for them to find anywhere because the guy was like 19 knew he was gonna be a pet if i hadn't done anything and tried to figure out a way to like yeah started a

12 uh 12 step group about it which is like i think they need that castrate you look what do you do yes you do i would yeah absolutely if i had some compulsion because i have exactly like you're saying if i not texting someone you have a crush on yeah imagine not doing or not eating this thing I would. Yeah. Absolutely. If I had some compulsion, because I have, exactly like you're saying, if I'm not texting someone you have a crush on. Yeah. Imagine not doing or not eating this thing

that you, you know, pretty much everyone listening has some kind of eating disorder when you can't stop yourself from like going back to the- If they're real fans. If you're a real American fan. Where's my single?

Right there? If you're a real fan of eating disorder. Who doesn't? If you don't have an eating disorder. If you ain't put Windex on them cookies. Now here's the question. Are you sober?

I eat weed sometimes when my meds make me too. What are your meds? ADD meds that I take as needed. And how many do you need? Anytime I'm doing something that's going to be requiring me to be um not wanting to kill myself like if i like i get really depressed and i realized

that my depression is not it's not something that can be treated with antidepressants it's something that's it's add and for me because when i take add meds my suicidal thoughts and stuff just go away so i don't like to take them every day because i feel like it's cheating i really do feel like i'm lance armstronging the game it's not i i can just tell you like i know i've been told it's not like you know it's not i don't know that it's not i know because anyone who i've ever let try on is like this is i got everything done today i'm like oh this is the thing all of those people I'm jealous of are taking got it you know where you go how does that guy write so fucking much how is he

so prolific how are they getting it just it feels it feels like cheating and so I don't like to do it and there's some days you wake up and you're depressed and you and I know my medicine will make me suddenly grateful present happy like all the things and I feel like when I wake up in the morning I don't want to take it because I'm like no this is the real shit I don't want to cloud my thinking so yeah I do weed sometimes to like but but alcohol no did you have you I had a drinking problem for sure but I saw everyone whose career was like going in the direction i wanted mine to go in this is 2011 i just gotten a pilot picked up for it was my first pilot and i was like i can't i can't regret if this doesn't make it i don't

want to be because of alcohol because i was just my hangovers were killing me and i was definitely hooking up with people i didn't really like but it was the only way i could have sex with anyone was to get drunk or kiss anyone and so i had to take it away to see like you need to force yourself to do this shit sober you like will not have sex for years intimacy is really hard for me like for sexual intimacy just sex even though I'm like no one's a sex comic scared I'm gonna be bad at it just how awkward it is um thinking that I owe them something and that I'm gonna disappoint because because I ascribe so much. Have you considered praying for a pussy injury?

Just hypothetically. And then I get one from the sex. People don't like it when I say pussy. And I don't like, I get like one. Pussy's funny. I know it's very funny, but I've had people DM me like, I didn't like hearing you say pussy. It makes me uncomfortable. No.

Yeah. So, but I'm, that's one of the parts of you that I'm really interested in where you'll give me little glimpses and I'm like, I love sex. I'm, I'm definitely could be a sex addict at times when I get like, like comfortable with it. And once I do it, I'm just like, this is the fucking best. Let's do it all the time. Give me a snapshot of a thing that made you think I might be a sex addict.

I just want to do it over and over and not stop like i just like and i don't want to come i don't want to come i want it is that a thing yeah because um coming means it's over right coming means like okay you're gonna wait some time coming means the end of a meal good news when you fuck me you never will ladies that's the neil Neil Brennan promise You fuck me You're not having it It's never over When you fuck Neil Brennan No but it's over

When you come Oh yeah sure And that's the thing It's like you don't even Want them to come Like I When I masturbate I like struggle

To ever come Because I'm just like I don't want this This is so fun This feels so good I don't want this When it's over Then I just have to go to bed

Or like read a book Like I just stress I can't eat anymore because it's too late at night and like there's no more dopamine for me to get so i try to i like edge myself and then sometimes i just get to the point where i like i feel a one coming and i'm like no no no no and i like take away whatever thing i'm using you know and i'll like like try to like calm down and like and then it's gone and i like i wasted it it like happened yeah and then it's gone and i like i wasted it it like happened yeah and then it's gone and i can't get it back and i'm like so i'm constantly edging i used to do this with christmas too like christmas my parents are like i was kind of known for like i never wanted to open my presents because i liked the anticipation of christmas christmas eve is the

best day in the world christmas kind of sucks may 31st is my favorite day it's the day before my birthday my birthday itself it's like oh it's over it's over. It's like, I don't like things to be over. This is why I like it. There was a study that said people that are about to go on vacation are happier than people that are on vacation. And you knew that intuitively. With meals, I like before I like to be as hungry as possible for a meal because that's the best bite of your food is always going to be when you're hungriest. That's, I like before, I like to be as hungry as possible for a meal because that's the best bite of your food is always going to be when you're hungriest. It's just science.

And so it's diminishing after that. So I want to wait as long as I can. I like having extended crushes and not telling the guy until it's like, I must have it because I know it will go away. Don't you signal that when you have a crush on somebody? No, I'm really bad at it. Everyone is though. Oh no, I've gone long oh you're bad bad at letting someone i finally just go oh

neil i like you like i finally go this is my move i used to do with boys um that i would be i would be like best friends with the guy and they would have no fucking clue and then i would just go oh neil i wanted to talk to you about something um i like you or i'd go like oh do you remember did you hear recently i like you like i would just say it like in a funny way that would be like off put did you see on cnn that i like you and they'd go like what wait they'd stop and um and that kind of worked a little bit and then finally i would have sex with those people that i liked so much and i would wait to do that because i knew something would something in me that was like as soon as we have sex it's going to change and it fucking started changing like it would on a dime after they came I got would get dumped

and it wouldn't be because the sex you would get dumped I would get dumped it would just be a either slow fade but I could feel it immediately after like this deep regret this like I have a way of getting people to tell me things about their life that they've never told anyone else like there's a vulnerability that I bring out in people because i i feel like i'm very non-judgmental and you are too because i because of the shows and like something about me people that i'm like you don't know anything why are you telling me this and you don't because you don't react you don't go oh my god you just go that's interesting like you don't there's no judgment coming from you and i think that's what same for me there's no i've accepted pedophilia five different times on this podcast

people are gonna start to fucking question me but i'm just like i it's a whole chunk of my act now about it but i um i would get men to like divulge something emotionally traumatic that they never told anyone and then after they come they just feel too. Or at least that's what I convince myself of. They maybe are just maybe I'm a bad lay. But I would think that they a lot of times I think they would tell me in hindsight because I'd go, what happened years later? And they'd go, I just told you too much. And I felt really emasculated by it. Have you changed your approach to dealing with?

Yes. So are you do we talk about what you're doing relationships right now so my first like real boyfriend that was in when i was sober and he wasn't long distance he didn't have another girlfriend like my first available guy that was my boyfriend was i was 20 i guess nine we got together and it's the guy that i'm with now and we've been off and on for 10 9 years um going on 10 and we probably spent five of those together but it's the guy that I'm with now and we've been off and on for 10 9 years um going on 10 and we probably spent five of those together but it's been off and on and even when we weren't officially together we were kind of just like sleeping together and even that's completely changed

like he used to be completely unavailable emotionally I thought I was like finally I'm going after a guy who's available but he was emotionally unavailable but now it's gotten to the point where I guess what i've changed is like i realize that i'm i'm the problem it's me like i i am not easy to be with i'm not like a catch and that i am grateful that this person puts up with me and like what's the hardship of dating you i'm really i changed my mind a lot and so i think that what i can't speak yeah everything and i'm people pleasing i think that that can be worrisome that i'm not consistent but i am consistent in that i like i get excited about things that i'm excited about you know like i don't lie to people about

like yeah i'd love to go to dinner yeah like in that moment i really do and then two days later i'm like don't fuck but i wanted to go then it wasn't like i was just saying that knowing i'm gonna cancel so i'm always authentic in the moment, but it can switch. I can be very inconsistent in that way. And are you inconsistent with him? Not anymore. Like I really have...

You make a concerted effort like, no, I can't say I'm going to do that if I'm not going to do it. Or like, what was the switch? That's a good question. I think that I now say I just give a lot more maybes like I need to think that over instead of immediate answers and I also I think a big thing that happened for me with him was that when we started hooking up again

inevitably what like we always did we'd break up and then we would kind of date other people and then we'd be in the same kind of vicinity and start hanging out again. And I just refused to sleep with him again. Like, no, we can do everything. But no, like, your penis can't go in my vagina. Like, I just, because I would just always fall in love with him again from that. It was just too intimate. And you'd fall in love with him. And would he fall in love with you sometimes?

No, because he would kind of be in the thing that we agreed to, which is this is just casual. Right. And then I would suddenly flip it and go, but it's we agreed to, which is this is just casual. Right. And then I would suddenly flip it and go, but it's not for me. And then just constantly doing that. And this time I really, and I knew that I didn't want to be with him. Like the way he, like we tried this before and I was like, I don't want this to be my relationship the way it is. So don't sleep with him because you'll, I just knew. I was like, I'm not going to try to turn this into anything so i was like let's just have fun but we can't i'm going

to save vaginal sex for like someone who i see to be my husband like that's my new thing i'm going to like really save that hole for that and you give a deeply mediocre blowjob right that's which keeps them like i think i got better at that You have to up that game. I gotta go ring shopping to satisfy myself. Anal is definitely, you throw that in. But yeah, I think that really shifted things for me

because I'm such a people pleaser that I think that he could almost not trust me because he's like, she sleeps with me right away. I haven't given her any kind of promise. Like there was just something, I don't, I can't speak for him,

but it just changed it. I just think male-female relationships are incredibly difficult. So fucking hard. They're incredibly difficult. I want to say something. Serena Williams, I did a commercial with her one time. Of course you did.

So we were talking about relationships, this before she was married. And I was like, relationships are impossible. They're like climbing Mount Everest. And she goes, no, people can climb Mount Everest. I was like, that's fucking hilarious. So whenever I hear, like, I see you. You step over a lot of bodies on the way up there. Yeah, like, I see you as.

I'm practical. And I know that relationships aren't supposed to last your entire fucking life. And I don't count on it. You're not like a little heartbroken about it. It's just like, that was never a realistic thing. I think a successful relationship is like, when people are like we were divorced after 10 years i'm like yeah i agree that is a fucking if you were really in love for like three of them or like eight years yeah if you get out before it's just like you know usually people wait like it's three

years of like being miserable before they get out but But if you can just, you know, of course I would like to have a partner my whole life, but I just don't, I just don't see it happening because it not, because it doesn't happen. I just think people are in miserable situations and they stay because they just are too scared to leave. I've been there before, you know, like. Yeah.

And it's also just like atrophy. You just get like, you're just caught in a, it's like a body in motion. Scared you won't find someone else. It's too much work. You got kids you share, you have a house. It's just like, and you're like, you're just caught in a, it's like a body in motion. Scared you won't find someone else. It's too much work. You got kids you share. You have a house. It's just like, and you're not, you get older as a woman.

You have no libido. So you're like, I'm not going to fuck another man. Like, it's just, it's too much work. But I don't think, I think some people are happy in relationships forever, but I just don't. Are you easily aggravated? Cause I'm pretty easily aggravated. Like, I don't like having, I don't have an assistant.

I don't have like, I don't like an assistant. I don't like having people around. That's so interesting. I just don't like someone... I really am fascinated by you with relationships. Let's go. I don't like having... You deserve someone, and someone deserves you. You'd be such a good partner, Neil.

You know what happened recently? This whole thing of I don't trust myself to ensure a woman's emotional stability. Like, no one can. I think a woman is much better hands with you than most men. People pretend they are. I think people pretend that they can guarantee someone's emotional safety. I don't know that I can just because I've, like I said, I've dropped people and I've been dropped.

Like, I had a woman this year who we were in love and you were in love yeah dude fuck yeah like the kind of love you felt before like one that you'd never uh like the same one yeah like the good one yeah um like love the one you've heard of yeah uh the famous one uh the one that all the songs are about the taylor's first song not taylor i mean whatever some of them um she broke up because up with me because I was too emotionally available. It was fascinating. It was fucking fascinating. She didn't straight up say that.

Explain to me what that means. She did. You just wanted to. She was like a dude. She just didn't want to talk about her feelings. She just wanted to be physical. And I was like, okay. a lot of circumstances like she just wanted to have she just wanted to be physical and i was like okay and uh and then like three or four dates in we were both like fuck like we were falling in

love and it was like all right what are we gonna do about this like it was both like all right there's a thing here and we oh my god it was good but i the it was great. The connection was great. Like the energy field was amazing. Like the love energy field. And at a certain point she was moving. So she was getting like pissed that she was falling in love with somebody. Oh yeah. And so she kind of like would sabotage it or she would do things to make me not secure in the relationship. Oh God. and it was just

so unnecessary because i knew what she was doing yeah i had a girlfriend 10 years ago uh who just wanted to break up with me but she said that me and gerard were gay together gerard carmichael who came out six months ago uh he got an emmy for it um um the uh so so just i knew what she was doing i was like oh fuck she's doing that and i was hoping she wasn't and she was and she actually said like i realized that you're the most emotionally available guy i've ever dated and i don't like it i've dated guys because of their pants like i've dated guys because of their clothes and like this tells me that you went for someone who was emotionally unavailable that's what i'm afraid of you don't really want someone to meet you there here's the problem i've been in love three times and

one of the times she was like significantly younger than me but it was like a great connection but but then that she was at like in her mid-20s it's like if someone's in their mid-20s they don't know who they are yet no they don't so like you're watching and you're like what so there was that one there was the one this year and then there was another one so i don't know i can't make i'm worried so you got broken up with yeah were you so sad i was really sad we broke up once and I was like really sad where I was like, I had to go to my buddy's house to like, I shouldn't be alone. Not because I was going to kill myself, but I was just like, I don't, I need like support.

Yes. And then the second time it was like eight days of like pretty bad, but it's got a little better every day. When you fall in love, it's like, it's that initial stage where you're like you know ariana grande and pete davidson like levels of like enamored like i love that that's like love addiction i have that too where it's like that feels so good and kind of well that's hard to find though so when people say it's love addiction oh i always say if you could buy that i would be on skid row right now my life would be over because that is the best feeling in the world.

It's like when you both like each other the same obsessive amount. Well, that's the key with all this shit is do we like each other the same amount? It's like you fuck your ex or your current. Yeah. And it's the problem was you didn't like each other. No, we didn't. The same amount. And that will always be the challenge. Because we don't like each other no the same amount and that's the that will always be the challenge because it's we don't like to feel safe and we don't know how to thrive in that environment right

like don't you think that's part of it like we've never felt good feeling it's boring to feel safe there's something there must be something wrong there's i don't produce i don't i'm not creative in a safe space i need to be under the gun i need someone being mad at me you are that's what i like about you you are like reckless yeah you were like you're very reckless like you're not like i don't think you do dangerous shit but you like i've been high before on like live tv you know what i mean like i will i will take at like i'll do stuff like that then i'm like what the fuck were you do or i'll i'll you know write a joke as i'm walking to stage and be like this might ruin my career

like that kind of stuff i like to be reckless in that way and especially yeah with relationships i like to like take chances and big choices and also like i don't like shutting myself off from everything like i don't even like to even when i'm single i don't i don't even fuck anyone i don't even date anyone i hate dating it's not like i'm like constantly like oh i wish i could be out there when i'm in a relationship but the fact that you can't be and that i don't know and that's why i'm always like if he find if you find someone you like better please go be with them i would never want to hold you from that and i feel like marriage kind of scares me in that way that you're like you you're well that's the thing about marriage is like i don't fucking know i hope yeah i hope i know i hope i can i've been

doing this joke where it's like they make a vow but they should go i fucking hope so they say i do but really they should say i hope it's so funny because they how would you know you what you're gonna do how many people have been so fucking sure up there? All of them. All of them. And it all leads to like, not only do you not like that person, not want to be married to them, you hate them. You hire a lawyer to sue them.

You try to destroy their life. And it's someone that you used to think you were going to die with. It's so crazy. And a lot of it is, a lot of it's like, well, they lied to me. You lied to yourself. Yes. Yes.

The whole thing was a lie that you wanted to work because of the pressure you felt to do it. Because there's I mean, there are, I would say, large benefits to getting married, particularly for women culturally. Like, yes. And then I think it's an arms race where, like, one girl got then yeah well like you're gonna get me a ring like her right and then it just became a thing and a thing and a thing it is this thing of like even my boyfriend just worked on um the beauty and the beast for abc and he was working with martin short and he had mentioned that i was my name came up and he was like oh that's my girlfriend and they were like oh you marry her what are you making her wait for and i'm like yeah they everyone thinks i'm just waiting like

it's not me that's like i don't like he could be ready when he got no one ever says when he's gonna marry just oh he's not marrying me and i've fed into that before with some of the jokes i do like because it's such just it's the archetype is like the girl that's in waiting but i am i'm terrified of marriage because i just i'm never sure of anything in my life and i i just know that i can change my relationships a lot also like the narrative is like guys fuck it it's like when that's what i like i can't be every woman i just feel like sometimes my boyfriend i go you really me the rest of your life you'd never ever fuck anyone else you i just i i could only fuck you the rest of my life because I'm a woman.

I don't really care about random dick. But really? Just me? What about a curved brown? You don't want a different curved kind of purpley brown? I know. I've said that and he's just like, I don't know. It amazes me.

Whenever men get married, I go, really? You are willing. This one thing that is we go come back to like what motivates us all you are ready to shut it down i think it's so men love to be to have integrity so there is something in that like yeah i'd like to fuck other women but i have integrity and so men can really get off on that but that only lasts you so long and as well that's again like what which way is the car pulling like you're gonna have integrity all you want and if you're a man and you get disrespected in relationship you start feeling bel pulling like you're gonna have integrity all you want and if you're a man and you get

disrespected in relationship you start feeling belittled you're not getting fucked that it's hard to have integrity for a woman these dms aren't disrespecting me have you slept with people and gotten it out of your system and you can't be friends oh yeah i have a lot of friends that i've like been staring at them across the table i'm like i can't believe your dick has been in my mouth like i want to say it to them and be like you have your semen has been in my mouth isn't that so weird but i can't because they're like wife is there whatever but you know you're like whatever i can totally compartmentalize but it's uh yeah i can totally compartmentalize it but i do think that there's it also just the older you get the more the a lot of sexual experience

just become like hazy memories. So, I can't remember it at all. Did I fuck you or was that a meme? Yes, or was that a fantasy? I had a dream. Or did I hear that on a podcast? Did I fuck you or did I imagine you on a podcast? Like, I don't know what's anything anymore.

Yeah, I think once you get past 35, I think that's the age where things start to go like, oh, there's's i've had sex with people and i don't remember their name and i didn't have i'm not that prolific like i really can't remember everyone i've let inside me and it's like so it just becomes like it's not that big of a deal but um i get really bummed out though when friendships change because and i have girlfriends who are like i'm so jealous like my boyfriend has this girlfriend that he like has inside jokes with and i'm like would you mind if boyfriend has this girlfriend that he like has inside jokes with.

And I'm like, would you mind if it was a guy that he had those jokes with? And she's like, no, of course not. I'm like, this isn't fair. You're keeping him from having a girlfriend. And by the way, men need women friends because women talk about their emotions. Men don't typically with their guy friends. They need an outlet for that. And it's not, why can't it be you?

Well, because it makes, they can trust it. Me. When I say, when you get your man to like get really vulnerable they can't get their dick up afterwards this isn't about my boy but it's been past relationships i've been in when a guy like cries to you about something or share something they're insecure about they're not horny for you they feel emasculated so you need them to have girlfriends to get that stuff out because they don't want to do it with you that's why i when i'm being emotional i like i lift weights the whole time.

Oh, that's so fucking good. Just to counteract. Just crying as you're lifting. Do you want me to fuck you after or not? I got to do these curls, babe. Do you relate to that? If I tell you about my mom, yeah, but my thought did go to, I had a thing one time where, you ever be turned on by somebody and then looking back, you're like,

was I forcing myself into that? or like you trick yourself into it i used to get what i called a care action where i would i would get an erection because i liked her uh but sexual desire and i feel like they're different compartments really yeah i feel like sexual desire and care i get so horny when a guy opens up and like talks about his childhood or like his anger at his dad or something. It's so ironic that like, you know, when my boyfriend will finally open up to me about something like we whenever we fight and we get to that part where I'm like, well, you can't shut down right now. You got to talk to me about what's going on here. And then we get into it and he has to like admit like maybe like that hurt my feelings like something like that, which is hard for he's better about it now. Like a big reason we're together is because he's really gone to some places that were uncomfortable for him and he can do that shit now.

But afterwards, there's like this period of like, I just don't feel sexy right now. Like I'm just not feeling mask. Like I don't want to take you right now. And there's like this dormant period of, I need to like get my masculinity back. And I'm couldn't be hornier for it. I'm so that's when I'm most riled up because I just feel so close. Like, I feel like that's when we're at our best is when we break up because he

gets a little bit vulnerable and it's like, I love you and I miss you and I'm sad and I'm scared. And I'm like, Oh my God, please let's get back together. And then all of a sudden we're back together and it's like, he's back to being like happy. And I'm like, no, where's get back together. And then all of a sudden we're back together and it's like, he's back to being like happy. And I'm like, no, where's, I want you to be.

I like the brooding guy. I like when he's tired. I like when he's like, I like when he's just like vulnerable, just like a little baby, just like good morning. Like that's my favorite. I'm like, am I like Dom or do I like people when they're just like zombies

and I can like manipulate. I just like, I like vulnerability, I guess. And like when you're tired, you kind of don't have your defenses up. And think when men get older they lose testosterone and that comes out much easier and we have a much smoother relationship now because he can get to that so much faster because i but he's still can't fuck you when he's done yeah i mean he's got to bring them girls up it's it's it makes sense i like i'm like i'm asking him to do some heavy lifting emotionally you just start Just grab his dick

I know There's a way around it I know There is It just requires you Just going like No no no We're doing this

I know Tears dropping on my head Yeah Like you'll be fine Because I'm blowing him Yeah Yeah You'll be

He'll be Yeah He'll be He'll be You can There's a way to get through it Yeah But it's

It sucks though Because that really turns me on And it makes him feel like Not turned on Do you feel like You overshare in public? Oh, all the time. And you regret it? I remember one time on stage, I was talking about like getting cum on my face or something, you know, just getting, you know, him finishing on my face, some stupid thing.

And this girl I remember in the front row, really cute girl, which is my nightmare of like, all I want is pretty girls to like me. I don't give a fuck about men. i just want women to like me and um and she just goes the glass died down she just goes ew and it was just like oh and just me already feeling like i'm already gross like i've always felt gross a pretty girl saying ew could shut down i believe that could bring peace to the middle east if a pretty girl just went and like stood with fucking uh shimon parrot whoever whoever the guys are just like ew and they're like you know we should talk i remember we should figure this out i remember every ew i've ever gotten in my life from i'm like having flashbacks now of like one time i was at the view backstage, first time doing like the view, so nervous.

And I remember Michelle Williams from not the, not the actress, Destiny's Child, the one that, you know, the least talented of the three. She, uh,

I'm, what did she do? She really, she was not nice to me. And I was so happy to be there. And she had been there a lot more than me as a guest host so i was like very reverential and like obviously a fan of destiny's child and like and felt bad when she fell off that stage in that one clip that you should totally go watch right

now but like we were backstage and rosie o'donnell was showing us a clip of her she was like oh this is my my kids in the bath last night and she was like there's these cool things where it's like you you can put dye in the water and like dye it a color. And I was like, Oh, mine was always like pee yellow, my bath. Like I was just making a joke about peeing in the bath. And, and Michelle was just like, ew,

really? She just said like, she, in front of like all the producers, like Shane, we like made it a bigger thing than it was. It was just like, ew'd me.

And I was just like, Oh fuck. And so I'm trying to win her over. And then we go live on air. And then she, we were talking about Prince had come out at the Grammys the night before. And he was a surprise guest. And everyone, they played the clip.

And you can just see all these like huge celebrities being like, oh my God. And I was like, it's so cool to see celebrities who are too cool for school, like acting like they're at a Backstreet Boys concert and like losing their shit. And she goes, oh, well, what would you do? What would you do if he walked? And I was just like, no, I was saying it's nice to, I was like, I don't know. It was just so, it was, it was not. Well, this is where I wish women could fight.

Honestly, like that's, guys don't do that. Guys, that's like, I'll hear stories from women about like, then she looked, she gave me a look or she said, ooh, or whatever. It's like, guys will go like, hey, I'm going to fight you. Yes. Yeah. So that like creates good healthy boundaries right well i just go on podcasts and talk about her and pray that i never run into her

again and yeah years later if i ever ran into her again i would avoid her all night long because i'd be scared that she'd be mad at me because i've talked about this on podcasts before because i really do actually like her and want her approval like that's the sick part of it is like i met her i don't think she's that nice but yet i still would love for her to like me well you can still turn it around i don't think i can at this point really i mean no i don't i don't i have so much more to say about her i tried to i mean obviously you had to be very talented to get in that group look take nothing away from michelle williams's this girl, front row. I said someone came in my face. Different show.

This girl goes, ew. And I think this kind of sums it up. I go, and I got mad instead of just being like, and I was just like, oh, really? Ew, ew. So you've never had a guy come on your face? And she just goes, I mean, I have, but I don't talk about it in front of people.

And that was like that's actually a good point like she was just grossed out at like we don't need to hear this like there's a point where and i think as a young girl who was like attractive you just kind of get rewarded for like talking about sex and like it's like it's not and not that i was doing it being like people love it because they're thinking of fucking me i just i didn't realize that because people do want to fuck me they're going to laugh a little bit harder and it's going to be more acceptable and then you start aging i've always wondered about that when good looking female comics talk about fucking is that what is the dynamic like when you think about it

psychologically are you like i don't want to talk about this or i might as well because guys are thinking it i talk about it because it's just what I want to talk about I'm I get disgusted when people are like horny for me after shows or like might be like because a bone you can't laugh when you have a boner it's like two different things that I don't want anyone to get actually turned on by anything I'm saying so I try to keep it very like I try to always put something gross in it so that it takes away from anything that would be super hot you know I try to throw myself under the bus it so that it takes away from anything that would be super hot. You know, I try to throw myself under the bus a little bit. Like you lose?

Or like I'll throw shit in it. Like I'll talk about anal and like how much I love it. And I can tell guys start getting it. And then I go like, and then I shit on it. Like I'll not, I don't do that specifically to turn guys off. But I will, I am aware that there's no part of my act that I want to be titillating. And I look like pretty on stage. Sometimes I have short skirts on. And there was a part of me that used to go to be titillating. And I look pretty on stage. Sometimes I have short skirts on.

And there was a part of me that used to go, don't do that. That's too distracting. And now I'm like, you should be distracting. You're on stage way too long. People get distracted. You should give them something to look at. Thank God you had little props behind you.

It's too long to just... TED Talks are 12 minutes and they can't keep my attention. You need something to look at. And they're so funny. I need... They should look me up and down and just like... No, you're right. It is like, hey, need something to look at so sometimes i'm so funny i need you they should look me up and down and just like no you're right it is like hey you want to look hey look at my legs the next two minutes yeah i i do outfit changes for my set sometimes like i'm like i just need

to mix it up give me like you were saying it's too much to just be a person one person on stage who do we think we are so all right so you've got meditation you've So you've got meditation. You've got, you've got affirmations, therapy, medicine. How much have you changed in your life? Um, not a lot. I don't think, I just think I've found different ways to cope and, um, and acceptance, like accepting that I'm going to, I'm, I am getting older, like not denying it. Not, um, I hate when there's, you can fight things that you can. Do you ever think older women are hot?

Oh yeah. All the time. So don't hot? Oh, yeah, all the time. So don't you just go, well, I'm going to be one of them? Yeah, but they're not as hot as young women. They're hot to me. They're hot in a way that's like, go, girl. But most men are going to not be looking at you. Like a woman over 40, because it's like a make-a-wish thing. Yes.

And it's like, we're not all Kate Beckinsale. That's one in a million. And there are exceptions where there's older hot hot women, but it's usually like one or two creepy young guys going after her that you wouldn't even want that have like some sort of like fetish. So you get fetishized, but you're not. I just want to be normal. That's what I want.

I want to be, I want to be extraordinary, but I want to just be normal. And I feel like that's something I've had to embrace is like, I'm not normal and that it's okay that I'm not a typically clean person or organized, or I can be very lazy. I like to sleep. I don't like the outdoors. Like all these things that I just wish,

Oh man, you know, like I've layered necklaces on right now. It took me so many years of my life to be able to have necklaces that don't tangle every single night and like hang them up in a right place. Like I have to like implement things in my life that like, how many necklaces have you thrown away? Thousands.

I don't buy expensive jewelry because I'm going to lose it. I'm going to, I don't take care of my things. My mom used to always say like, you don't deserve nice things. She's always telling me that. And she's right because I ruin everything I get. That's why I drive a junkie car.

That's why I have an apartment. I don't think she should have done it while you slept in the middle of the night. I think she took it a little too far. She made a tape and I played it as affirmations. Good thing about aging is like you do accept yourself a little more. You care less. I just have to bang on the fact that I care less.

I can't worry about all this. I cannot. That's not one of my things. Yes. In the video game character, like you just don't get you messy you didn't you got a lot of messy or you didn't get clean points like you just didn't you have like a hundred for funny and then go down the line i'm not gonna praise i didn't get no but you're right

like i didn't get but there are always times where i was like if i could just be look like i just remember this therapist saying to me one time, you're not a model. You'll never be. You're not a beauty. Like, you're beautiful in your own way. How did she take it when you threw the coffee in her face? It was ice, too. It was fun.

I cried so much. But I remember it really helped me for her to literally scream it at me. She was like, you are not a beauty. You're not someone who was just born she was like I have models in these chairs they are miserable they're so much more miserable than you are you don't want to be a model but you're not a model you never will be there's nothing that's gonna it was just like I needed to hear that because I think that I secretly in my head was like if you just do this you can be the hottest girl and I always just wanted to be so hot because i had a sister that was just naturally like this beautiful person that people would just you know i saw the i saw what you get and how people treat you when you are

just naturally a stunning person people just go every time my sister would leave the room in high school my friends would be like she's so pretty nikki how can you live with that I'm like I'm not I'm on the verge of suicide every day because I live I go I used to say to my parents how could you have had sex and risk making something that looks like me you know people in your family are ugly you took a risk and you made this and my mom would go you stop saying that that is disgusting you don't talk like that and I go like you got lucky with Lauren you fucked up with me i used to cry and cry and um and just hate the way i looked so much and i figured it out through the years of how to like actually present in a way that's like oh she's a pretty girl but like i'm grasping like i i do i work very hard to look like mediocre and and i still get really

sad when what's the thing if you if, because I actually said that thing of like having someone, have a therapist yell, you're not a model. I feel like every woman, there should be a weekend where when you're like 24, you go to the Adirondacks and Tyra Banks yells that you're not a model. It wasn't, they did it as a show called America's Next Top Model. That's what I'm saying. Like, if you. Yeah. So what do you. Like, stop trying.

But it's also the thing of. I always tell people with relationships. If, like, I sleep with a woman or we're. I'm like, we're not going to fall in love. Or we haven't fallen in love. So what do you want to do? So we can. You can either be mad that we didn't fall in love or we haven't fallen in love so what do you want to do so we can you can either be mad that we didn't fall in love and sulk or i can never see you again or you can accept that we have a pretty good connection oh boy yeah no no no one wants that when no one likes that no

one wants to not summit everest right you know like i want to die trying like who cares about someone who's gone not being a model help you not i didn't even try anymore though like i that except and that's why it gets really sad when people are like you're so i'm like i have so if people are ever like you look stunning in this fire emoji i just have to go spray tan eyelash extensions hair extensions good lighting uh someone's the i had a photo i put up a photo today on instagram and the guy uh airbrushed it so much i was like you can you take that away it's just i can't i don't want to put this out there because people will think my skin looks it doesn't look like that like i want to be more authentic so i think being more authentic about that's freed me of it is just being like and and just the thing of like i'm happy i have a fucking face you know some i have a bit now where i'm talking about this girl i

watched this youtube clip of a girl who fell in a fire she's a beautiful girl that like fell in a fire and has no face anymore and like she found purpose in life and it makes it makes me realize like it doesn't really matter and it is going to go away and i just have to accept it i can't fight this but it sucks because there are always things you can be doing to stay more beautiful. That's the problem that hurts. Where are you with career stuff with this? There's that thing of you're not a model.

Where Biglia said to me a year ago, he goes, neither one of us is ever going to host Sarah Lott. I was like... I don't believe that. He definitely will. I shudder that. I, I, I, I, I, I like shuttered. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no. But he didn't say it.

He just said it like, what are we? We're fucking two or whatever. So, so I don't, but he's wrong though. I'm fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. So it's figuring out what to accept. It's the courage to wisdom, know the difference, except the things I cannot change and to change the things I can. And, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And that, you know, I always just say that I don't even know what it means, but, um, you're like when you were talking about that story of Chris rock saying the line, except Neil Brennan at the,

at the party, man, that like, I just relate to that so much of, I think when I was first coming up and amy and i were like peers you know and then amy suddenly skyrockets and i remember i struggled with it for like maybe a month you know of like she just i just would see like i would go to her house and see like checks laying around and i'm just like i didn't even know that you could they

would have checks there was that many numbers like yeah i just didn't know and i could i'm just like i didn't even know that you could they would have checks there was that many numbers like yeah i just didn't know and i could i was just like how is this just laying out and i used to just think or hearing what she made in a weekend at somewhere she wasn't bragging i mean these were just facts and it was just like she's too far i can't she's lapped me so many times i'll never catch up and then there's some reason i just was able to be like so accepting like so excited for i've never had a second of envy for Amy since then and I've only been like excited because I put her in a different realm like but for some reason I'm still jealous of supermodels that aren't even in my like

yeah why is that I don't know why I was able to do that but I'm much better now than I ever have been I mean I used to struggle chronically with not feeling pretty enough and feeling like invisible. I think now I get enough attention from doing comedy that whether or not I'm the prettiest girl in the room, I'm getting enough attention that makes me feel like I might be. Well, it's you're the funniest by a factor of 10. Well, I'm definitely the funniest girl in the room. Right, but that doesn't. Most men think they're funnier than me in the room, but they're not. And they probably are.

And most men think they're funnier than me in the room, but they're not. And they probably are. What's motivating and what do we use as like fuel to light ourselves on fire? It's like, you know what I mean? And I still don't fucking know the difference. But because I say that now, like, oh, I'm well known enough that I feel like the prettiest girl in the room. I don't even like that. My dream I don't, my dream used to be like I can't, in high school I was just always like I want

to be in a restaurant someday and have people whispering is that Nikki Glazer and like want to take pictures. It's happened before to me and it's you know. And it's kind of uncomfortable. It's just, and it's stupid because I'm like me? Like you're wrong. Like I, and you always hear celebrities say that and I'll always roll my eyes whenever

they fucking do because you go no there's no way that it's not it but it isn't it and so you get you start getting successful and you go SNL hosting SNL I think is the only thing that I'm like I would like to like still do that I think everything else my career I think I could quit and be like oh that's exactly what I want there's no like things I have goals for other than maybe singing on stage with Taylor Swift someday or something like that but um i can be fine with never being on snl even though it kind of hurt me to hear you like say no i but it's one of those things i'm like like i don't it doesn't even really hurt me i'm just like yeah that seems unlikely uh guess what it will just seem like a speck on the radar of the like it won't even matter of course nine months after

it happens no one will even remember that of course i'll be like did i do that i feel like i did yeah like it'll be just a hazy memory i remember when kumail hosted us now i'm like oh fuck i forgot i forgot i didn't know i still don't believe he did i know you just said he did and i'm like i remember it i remember the announcement and i don't yes it doesn't i remember the postcard that's the thing everything we do now is not even about what you do no one even sees your movie no one even sees your it's about that little it's about the Instagram post it's about the deadline story

everyone one week I've just noticed was posting like I'm filming a Super Bowl commercial it was like in December when everyone was January and I just like was on set for something that was not that and I just posted like Super Bowl commercial coming up look for it and I thought everyone would know it was a joke my dad even was like tell me about this I hate football I watched the whole game there were people that came up to me weeks after that were like I missed your ad but tell me about it I'm like everyone

that didn't see it just thinks I can just tell people I've done things and they'll believe it for anyone any of the young people you never have to go to a party just say you went that's so good nobody knows that you go yeah i was there i didn't see it well i don't know i don't know what to say yes i went in there i got a drink yes a club at a club you never have to go like if it's at a nightclub you a million percent do not have to go but you're absolutely right that nobody no one watches anything it's like of anyone's yeah it's it really is rare that yeah it's all about the announcement so just tell people you're doing but which is the hard thing to do is to brag like i always used to give comedians shit about being

like sold out shows it's, who needs to know this? There's no more tickets available. Who's this for? Yeah, I know it's a straight up brag and you go, you know what? Actually, that's what this business is.

If you're not comfortable bragging, you're not going to make it. You got to be comfortable gloating about your accomplishments and, and not gloating, but just being proud of yourself enough. So I've, that's my biggest block. If we want to close with this is,

and I really do need help with this, is posting clips of my standup on TikTok and Instagram. I can't do it. I cannot watch my standup. Can't watch it. And it is literally the thing I do best in the world.

I can watch myself sing poorly. I can watch myself on Dancing with the Stars or, you know, The Masked Singer. I can watch. I can't. I can't, I can't watch myself do stand-up. And it is preventing me

from having any kind of presence on any of... Why? So, why don't you get someone to post them? Great answer, great question.

Because I'll have to watch it to make sure it's okay. And it's not okay. It could have been better and then I can't. What's wrong with it? I imagine someone watch, I imagine you,

someone I respect, like you are just a good writer yeah mainly a good writer right being like as lazy because i do some lazy stuff i'll admit it like there's some stuff where i go i could have that was a b that i never took up to an a that it would have taken 30 seconds for me to sit down and look at it and i didn't do it and maybe i just tell myself that and that protects me from never having to like fail like you know i always have an excuse for failure but but I'm never reaching my potential. There's that's another thing.

It's the same with looks like if I want, I could be hotter if I could. I could hire a trainer. I could do Pilates. I could do body sculpting. I could do different procedures on my face and I could look I could get pretty close to looking like a model if i put invested right in my and and not and i have the money to do it and the time and i could go to recover and the appointments let's be honest i could hire the right people to make all of this happen for me and have the perfect like i could look like a card we all could look like kardashians yeah we know that now

but we know that now thanks to kylie yeah exactly she's the one that really blew the she's the one who really like we saw her before she can look like one then i can definitely that was the one that there's that meme of like you're not ugly you're just broke like of her before and after and it's true and so you go oh i could and so i think that there's always that potential that that i think that holds me back the most is that I'm not reaching my potential, but I need to not reach it so that I can convince myself I could have done that. I could have done better. I wish with your blocks, I wish you.

It's the same thing I wish at the end of the show. You have to come. We all have to come to be nicer nicer to ourselves yeah just a level of kindness like it's very hard being a person it is like it's just hard i'm envious of someone this is already ruining my life being envious it's why do i have to get mad at myself for being envious just stop there yeah have compassion you poor thing You're envious of someone. That's a tough thing to fucking wrestle with every goddamn day. Yeah, yeah. Be nice.

Just fucking show yourself a little compassion. Like that should be the goal. Let yourself off the hook. Yes. A little bit. Yes. I think that is. That's the first step.

Yes. And I think it can take you really far. A lot further than. Because people just think, no, that's not going to work. That's Nikki Glaser clearly we could just fucking never stop clearly we could never stop

this is that was our friendship by the way we got to do an after show an after pod hosted by Chris Hardwick but Nikki Glaser one of the greats go see Nikkiki as interesting a person as you're ever going to find thanks uh a and a just fucking a contributor to the world thanks neil Bye.