Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Pete Holmes

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

Neal Brennan interviews Pete Holmes (You Made It Weird, Crashing) about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- Pete's blocks: 00:00 Intro 3:05 Wife Left 6:24 Good Boy 9:00 Behavioral Dysmorphia 25:21 Hates Dog 36:50 PTSD 1:04:35 Routine 1:13:00 Doesn't Like Music 1:15:23 Movie Question ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets to Neal's tour Brand New Neal Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- SPONSORS: https://betterhelp.com/neal for 10% off your first month https://nordVPN.com/NEAL for a huge discount + 4 additional months FREE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance.

Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Hi, my name is Neil Brennan. I have a Netflix special called Blocks. I'm so sick of saying this. Do you know what the premise of the podcast is?

Today's guest, ladies and gentlemen, we're going on 20 years. Whoa. And his name's pete holmes what do you when you talk about your your your um just occurred to me we're going on 20 years yeah when you talk about your you look the same more or less um we both look better i'm gonna say i'm throwing myself in the mix we both you look better yeah you look very tan too well which always works i look better too uh you do look better yeah but i i didn't have i mean my body's all out of doesn't know when to do well i was gonna say this is about my blocks but i was like have you

addressed your body dysmorphia yet like that's a real question fuck um here's a neil brennan memory you're eating you're eating a collared vegan raw wrap up right at that bar that was down the street from meltdown and we're all like why is neil eat so healthy he's so skinny you lifted up your shirt and where this like like on me there actually is smushy i have no problem with this you don't have smushy you're like a you're like what science would study look there's fat here there's fat here and i was like oh neil here's what's aggravating here's what's aggravating it's not a funny condition no no maron the moment i know maron one time on stage or off stage goes i see you pulling at your love

handles on stage and i was like dude i didn't even know i did that wow does he have that yeah he's got bad body stuff we barely talked about it i don't know why not people think i'm skinny with ease and i'm not skinny with ease i'm skinny because i could be fat in two weeks you think so i'm positive i could gain weight i could just i know what to eat first of all i don't think everything is the same amount of fattening for all people. Peanuts are incredibly fat. Like I could get fat immediately on peanuts. Can I tell you, I just went to my doctor and they were like, your cholesterol has doubled since you were here.

And I think it was peanuts. That's the only guess I have. Where'd you go to Costco or something? And you fucking stopped at peanuts. I would rather eat peanut butter than ice cream. Wow. Yeah. I love peanut butter. block number one why that's not entirely true but there's a fog of war with peanut butter you kind of like it's nuts it's just nuts like you eat like a one ingredient it seems it seems like it should be okay. It's healthy and kind of fun. The thing about peanut butter is it's thousands of those things.

No, it's sugar. No, I get the natch. Oh. Oh. But even the natch, it's just a lot of oil. I don't know. There must be cholesterol in it. I thought cholesterol was only in animal products,

and people just turned this podcast off. I hope they did. I hope they got the message and turned this off. We're trying to send you a message. Get lost. Get lost. We want to have a private conversation. Turn this off we're trying to send you a message get lost we want to have a private conversation turn this off I know you're on a road trip throw on the blocks

for you for me I had the thought nothing is ever as bad as you make it out to be and then I was going to ask you what was as bad as you thought it would be in life bombing is as bad as you thought it would be in life?

Stand-up bombing is as bad as I thought it would be. Yeah. Yeah. Bombing lives up. My divorce doesn't. I remember a cozy, snowed-in feeling. I write about it in my book. My wife left me when I was 28 years old, which means I got married way too early.

I was 22. She has an affair. She breaks my heart. She leaves. I remember. This isn't just hindsight. I swear to you. This is the under- has an affair. She breaks my heart. She leaves. I remember, this isn't just hindsight. I swear to you, this is the underreported thing in The Heartbroken. Mulaney, actually, we were even closer at the time,

and I remember he was like, there's music for breakups. You listen to Radiohead. You listen to Elliot Smith. You walk around. You see the sadness everywhere. And now I'm leaving millennia behind, but it's like, there's a snowed in quality. The line I use in my book,

it's like you're wearing the lead coat they give you at the dentist when they give you x-rays, but at least you know what to do. Does that make sense? Life is kind of clear. Oh, I mean, there's a syllabus. Yeah, be sad. You're gonna eat, you're gonna drink yeah you're gonna eat you're gonna drink you're gonna like yeah see depression everywhere there's a mulaney quote from that time i remember

we shared an office at the time and he was like you know go break the script have a party like have everyone over your house i was like i remember being like so bloated and like weary and i was like really it was like yeah and i was like well i you know the guy i'm renting the place for me as a cat but i guess i could and millennia goes oh you have a cat i can't come and he wasn't joking great and that's depression depression is like you're so sensitive i remember i went to the ucb and this guy streeter he's a comedian straighter side out straighter side out he right he's a big writer at snl yeah exactly he came up to me and i he was like he goes hey man i go hey he didn't know my wife had just loved me i go how are you he goes pretty good just fucking your wife like like everything is so sensitive

and it just keeps coming that what did he and he just he didn't know he was just fucking breaking my balls that's a normal yeah comedian normal thing that people say it's not it's a normal comedian thing this yeah but like anyway what i'm saying is bombing is the only thing that when it happened and i i don't mean i bomb on a different scale now if i bomb yeah but it's just different it's not like you're worried the building is going to collapse no it's so tenuous and fucked and you're just in emotional free fall yeah so divorce wasn't as bad as i thought it was don't get me wrong there were moments i remember being at a sushi bar and you're you're crushed yeah but you know how to be crushed and you can okay so and you just be crushed right but and you didn't you weren't worried about being stuck you weren't worried about like i'm this is terminal no because the great great gift of my divorce was i knew that

being married and i don't feel this way across the board it was gonna slow me down like at that point in my life um i was career wise you knew that it was not gonna be great for your career i knew if i got it could have been okay if you been a bad, if you chose to be a bad husband, that's right. Chose to be like a bad part. And I wasn't going to do that. The, the, the toll of that would, would have been too big. That's one of my baggage is being like, don't be bad husband, be good husband, be good boy. That's a good, that's a good block. That is a good block. It is a big block. So yeah, being the golden boy that was just a good boy. That is a good block. It is a big block. So, yeah, being the golden boy. Or just a good boy.

But that's just another way. You say you're a good boy when I call you on the phone, and I love it. I was telling somebody yesterday, a new friend, one of us said good boy, and now it's just like good boy. Everyone I've introduced the term good boy to is, it immediately takes off. I love it. In fact, he was telling me that his. But you say you're a good boy.

He's a listener. Yes. Yeah. He's a listener. He will not do the show. His father is sick and his mother, the mother and father were having an argument and the father said, you never tell me i'm a good boy this is like a seven-year-old british guy yeah so it's taking off good boy but but huge there's something

to be said a good boy is i would like to be a good we all want to be a good boy in the way a dog's a good boy absolutely why are we giving our best to our dogs but i'm we'll we're going to get into that block but i'm saying the way right the but what a good boy stands for like loyal attentive uh kind caring it's recognition responsible yeah i i think one of my non-blocks meaning a thing that i use to get myself unstuck is like giving is receiving when i say you're a good boy neil you're a good boy i i'm i'm in the mix i don't mean the thought that pete is a good boy is also being communicated that's not what i mean i mean goodness begets goodness when i believe in your ability and your potential i and and vice versa

if i tell you your shit my own shit is just you embody that it's like you set the detector in your consciousness to find one thing or the other if i'm seeing it in you i see it in me and if it's guilt or shame or ugliness that's and that's what you don't want to be on your deathbed and be like i'm a piece of shit and you know how do you avoid that see it's heaven all the way to heaven i don't mean literally heaven i just mean like i know exactly it's heaven all the way to heaven as hell all the way to hell so so do it now give it now well then my next question is do you hold yourself to a standard what do you mean if everybody's great everything's amazing all the time how do you go at can i tell you i'm really glad and i'm not being a good person right now i'm not gonna let my i'm not being a good person right now. I'm not going to let my, I'm not going to let myself off.

I'm going to have body dysmorphia, but for my behavior, which I kind of do have. Most people do. Behavioral dysmorphia. Meaning I do too. The thing that I say, I, you know,

Rainn Wilson just did my podcast. We had this whole debate on whether or not you could do better. I was making the argument that if you did something, that was as good as you could have done, if you could have done better, you would have. And he was like, that's a cop out. And I'm like, yes. What are we going to cop on? What are we here to be hard? What are we here to be rough? Well, responsibility is a cop on being responsible as a cop on. I hear that. I hear that driven. It's a bigger question.

Here's the better answer i think when it comes to shortcomings other people's shortcomings let's take your body body dysmorphia what if i was judgmental of that and i i'm not making light of it i'm just saying let's assume it's also like i just want to be have a perfect physique just like once i understand just once and let's assume that i think that's weird i don't but let's say i do the way i snap myself out of that um even though by your own metric i could be like neil should fix that like get help you know like right change your mind right do something yeah or the phrase that gives me so much value and then i die i'm just kidding the phrase that gives me so much value, and then I die. I'm just kidding. The phrase that gives me so much value is, if I was him, I'd be him. And I know that sounds super basic.

I know exactly what you mean. Because you've done psychedelics. That is straight out of plant medicine's playbook. Basic stuff. Anytime I do ayahuasca, especially, the conclusion is... Something super basic like that oh sorry yes but again the conclusion is they're doing the best they can yeah i did ayahuasca 10 days ago and uh i cried during it and the thing that made me cry was it's 25 people and where i do it there's an

altar and the and at a certain point the the guy goes like everyone just sort of moved toward the altar like you know in literally in worship yeah worshiping because in ayahuasca you're like connected to god right and everyone's just going to worship and i started crying i was like look at all these flawed people that's right these flawed people who want to be better that's right they're not here because they think they're incredible they they want to be better it's not even like supplicant or worship they're asking a central creation force for any sort of help you can give me that's right i would like in my essence i am good then i got here and the joke i've been doing is like everyone's good as a baby and then

someone steals their toy and they go fuck everyone forever that's right like that's kind of like fuck everyone you learn a terrible lesson which is kill or be killed which is not reality but it's the ego's thought system okay a couple things one is i i don't think i'll ever do this as a bit but it's something when it comes up i'll say it but everyone if you settle anyone down whatever that means we could give you a massage we could help you meditate let's do 45 minutes of breath work. Give me anybody in history. Give me 45 minutes of breath work.

Give me silence. And I know you mean Hitler. We all meant Hitler. Yeah. But I don't like that because it does complicate it because that's triggering, you know, understandably. You're talking about like Jeffrey Dahmer or whatever, right? Give me your bad people.

Darkest and the lightest. Everyone at their base is Enya. No one at their base is death metal. We become death metal. Totally agree. You add, and I like, I lift weights to metal. It's valuable, yeah, yeah. I got off the phone with my mom who has,

like she's struggling with her health and it's just so bleak. I put on metallic and fucking love it and i'll cry that somebody out of the goodness of their heart made metal so i'm not putting down metal yeah i'm just saying anybody you bring them into their base they're the white sheet of paper that all of their experience is written on is clean and pure. So everybody that went up to that altar not only wants to be better behaviorally, ethically, live a better life,

they also, I would say, in my mythology, they recognize that they are divine and they want to lean into that. By the way, this story is fucking everywhere. Richard Rohr helped me see this. Harry Potter. What's Harry Potter? I realize my parents are wizards. It's the same story. this story is fucking everywhere richard rohr helped me see this harry potter what's harry potter i realize my parents are wizards it's the same story you realize you're from divine stock you need you've been misplaced we need the matrix we need star wars we need like your special every

i mean there's churches once a week yeah it like it should be it's more than i do i actually agree with islam's practice of praying five times a day i don't do it but i'm like that's you you need you need it father greg boyle i because you you know homeboy industries i go how do you replenish yourself when when do you replenish yourself and he said with every damn breath and i was like that's that's it that's it that's what we're talking about that's what we're doing right now with this conversation we're finding a way but like when you see that even jason bourne he has amnesia but he's great we can't get enough of that idea because you think you're shit but you're you're actually a perfect note in the symphony of divinity. How do I get to it is what all this shit is.

How do I get to the matrix where I can just see the... Everything becomes digits and I can... And it's not necessarily about violence, which is the only thing you understand. That's right. Like the end of the Matrix when he's shooting everyone because he sees it so quickly it's like yeah or about i mean luke skywalker is better in that it's well it's like the blind one you know the matrix was so impactful on our on the

consciousness that it became like a common defense um of people that did terrible things that oh that they were fighting the Matrix. And in the Matrix, yeah. Yeah, it's like Andrew Tate and people like that. They're like, the Matrix. But that's what we're dealing with. You can't jump to chapter 37. And that's what Ram Dass said.

He's like, sometimes with psychedelics, I'm glad I found psychedelics when I found psychedelics. I don't think you should jump into the psychedelic thing immediately. That's called jumping to chapter 37. I don't think you should jump into the psychedelic thing immediately. That's called jumping to chapter 37. I don't think you're saying that either. It comes when it's appropriate and you need to be mature. You need to be, your brain needs to be mature. I think you need to be spiritually mature.

It would be helpful. Well, it's useless to do. I mean, when I do mushrooms now, it's not a party. It used to be a party. Right. It used to be a fun fucking meets you where you're silly party yeah exactly and now it's now it's like uh a church right right i told theo i saw the other day and he came to my ayahuasca circle and i wasn't there but him and

roy wood did it side by side which is one of my favorite memories that i don't have i didn't see it roy was under a blanket talking to himself for eight hours um and uh but i said i was talking to theo and we were talking about like it's you're in the chamber of existence and consciousness on ayahuasca and i said you're basically it's january 6th but you get to go in yeah like behind the scenes of like like of creation and consciousness it's fucking incredible and sometimes the epiphanies from these things are super simple like if i was them i'd be them but i don't think there's anything more well there are certain ones that are maybe more impactful but when it comes to conflict when it comes to being on the phone with my parents and

struggling the phrase if i was them i'd be them and just i know you get it's hard to always if you leave that if you had their body their brain born in the time yep the circumstance it's so obvious but reality it can be so obvious like for example i love the work of byron katie and and she she says you can argue against reality but reality wins but only every time so my mom should understand me is a is a thought that gives me pain let's say i mean I mean, that's so common. I'm sure that's true for most people. And she would say, is that true? My mom should understand me.

Is it true? Just that. I guess not. Because she's a person. Do you understand her, motherfucker? Do you? You're suffering over an illusion that that should be happening that other people are also so mysterious because there's so many contradictions but the the last

step of that i don't mean it no no i'm i interrupt you i'm saying your mom your mom couldn't you can understand your mom you could i can't understand you you can i can like get up but i can i can well see your distill you a little bit but i can't really no your master level you can say my mom should understand me you can unpack that this is what i do so this is something called the work so you can look on youtube if it's interesting to you byron katie the work so you can do the work on the presupposition of my mom should understand me, which is people can understand another person or I can understand another person. I live with my wife. We we've merged. I live with my wife. I just mean like we've merged. It's pretty cool. Nice of you to do. Yeah. She pays rent. Yeah.

We've merged where I would say we're at our age as close as people can be. Are there mysteries to her that I won't understand? I sure hope that doesn't make her feel lonely. I know she wouldn't understand. Of course. I don't understand myself. And I want you to understand me. I want my mom to understand me.

Which me, man? Like it's an underwater sandcastle. It keeps changing. Yeah. Physically changing. Psychologically changing. man like it's a it's an underwater sandcastle it keeps changing yeah physically changing psychologically changing you take away three meals i'm a different dude i've had coffee i've had food i've had exercise yeah talking to a different guy what the fuck are we talking about my mom should understand me and then you flip it at the end you go i should understand my mom yeah you should you should understand that she's a person that can't understand yeah and also i only my mom does

understand me yeah she gave me that for my birthday where she when i call her she she knows this and this and this about i don't have to feel what are the ways she does understand you instead of looking at how she does it's brilliant stuff yeah i get frustrated when people pretend they understand you when they don't. It's like holding themselves out as a something that they're not. So it's, so it's like, you want me to rely on you for a thing you can't deliver. You want credit for a thing you can't do and you won't do.

That's what I get. But, but I hear that at the same time, it's a very, very helpful attitude to have in the world. That everyone's doing the thing they're programmed to do. Or at least, and it's like, well, they're not programmed. They listen to the wrong podcast, whatever.

I don't know. That's how they got there. You would have picked that podcast if you were them. Yep, that's the one. That's the one for them. It's easy. I actually think it's easy it's not very easy to talk about but i i remember watching trump speak and i was like this is my dad can beat up your dad meaning i don't anyone

the the appeal is is out of touch i complete but most people i look i can't speak for most people yeah i just know a lot of people appear to be out of touch and it's it's kind of addict thinking and it's not a this is evil this is wrong those are idiots like well they should it's like should if you were them you'd be them yeah and the other one i had i think these are mdma if i was them i'd be them sometimes the plans get in you and they just stick around meaning i don't need to be on the drugs i know you you know this. To have, if I were them, I'd be them. But the other one was, I know this is even more basic. It's going to sound stupid. But I took some MDMA in kind of like a therapeutic way.

But I saw it with clarity. I was like, people don't have to be like me, which is another version of it. Like you're going around burdened. There's this great line in chinese zen i believe or it might be in the book of dao but um the great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences so the preference that you be like me is really blocking my ability and i know you know this to hear the jazz of reality i know that sounds fucking stupid but i just mean people used to ask the metaphor i know then my fist balls up involved then let's say the ice cold waterfall of the constantly same thing i

know hate waterfall then let's talk about the the the knife's edge going through okay i love knives you know what i'm saying like reality is it's hard you fucking want it the way you want it but you you can't see reality because you're too busy wanting things to be a different way and i'm not saying we can't imagine things and design things and write things don't misunderstand i'm saying that ability has perverted and robbed you of your ability to sit here and have this conversation with you if i start going like well what's traffic going to be like after this? I'm fucked. Yeah.

I'm fucked. If I can just, I always say drop anchor, just drop anchor. Drop your anchor. Stop moving the boat. Guys, you know, I love travel of all kinds, especially international travel. Been to Mexico a couple of times the last few months. I've been to Thailand. I've been to Hong Kong. Where

else have I been? I think I was in Vietnam. Anyhow, when you go to these countries, sometimes you can't get online, so you got to use a VPN. Or you're in America, and if you want to use different websites or not be in America, you got to use a VPN. If you want to watch sports from different countries, America, you got to use a VPN. If you want to watch sports from different countries, you got to use a VPN. I use it to watch streamers. I'll say that. Let's just keep it vague. I use it to watch streamers with rights issues in America that maybe it is running in a different country. I'll pretend I'm in that country with NordVPN. You got to use a VPN. You got to use a VPN. You got to use a VPN. Per month, NordVPN is the price of a cup of coffee. So it's a low cost and huge savings. You're going to get that money back. Grab your exclusive NordVPN deal by going to NordVPN,

N-O-R-D-V-P-N.com slash N-E-A-L to get a huge discount off your Nord VPN plan plus four additional months for free. It's completely risk-free with Nord's 30-day money-back guarantee. Just go to Nord VPN dot com slash Neil. Be smart. Pretend you're in a different country. You got to use a VPN. different country, you got to use a VPN. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Look, I get why they sponsored the show because all we talk about is improving mental health. You know about it. You know, I've been in therapy 20 years. Talk therapy, hugely helpful. It will just give you someone to bounce your life off of and they'll show you how to interrogate yourself of like what do i mean what do i feel what do i it's it's better than a friend that's all i can tell you if you're thinking of starting therapy give better help a try it's

entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash N-E-A-L today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot C-O-M slash N-E-A-L. Betterhelp.com slash Neil. I'm not gonna say it againl betterhelp.com slash neil i'm not gonna say it again betterhelp.com slash neil i said it again all right let's get in some blocks that totally contradict everything we just said

i hate my dog i wrote it in comedy language i hate my i hate my dog i hate my dog I hate my dog Here's a better way and a less funny way to say it I don't hate my dog If I was on stage I would say I hate my dog It's funny My pain Projects perfectly Onto my dog

For a million reasons Go on It's just hard to talk about Not really but because we're being recorded because people love dogs and people hate if you talk about having a difficult relationship with your dog they don't like it i relate to it it's the beginning of blocks my that's my first block is dogs which chris rock told me not to do exactly because he knows that he he was saying because it's hacky but i he i was the reason i led with it is because if you say you don't like your dog in california you're like uh it's worse you're

like a gun carrying member of the nra yeah uh super right can i say like jed they you're like vaguely white supremacist if you don't if you have a less than ideal relationship with any kind of animal in california i agree jed had a bit about not liking his dog and i loved it so i was like i know there's some people out there that like me that secretly love yeah that being said i just i envy people that can connect with a dog. When I'm holding a sandwich and my dog with his click clack fucking live, die, repeat nails. He's following me like one of those ghouls. I have paper on my floor right now because they're painting.

Keith has been walking on papered floors. I used to live in a townhouse so like so it's all flat now i now i live in like a ranch house basically yeah so keith walks around my house the way my dad used to walk around after he retired where he's just like so anything happening anything going on and then just walk back to wherever he was you've actually touched on one of them he reminds me of the meaninglessness he does all you're doing is eating shitting licking your fucking where your dick used to be your balls like it sucks i i see my mother so you're judging him i thought he was judging you no you're judging yourself i'm judging him that he's just going but you're judging yourself because ultimately you're judging your own course it's all projection but my i feel all this guilt

that my mother is at home also puttering around in the same way it breaks my heart here's a question do the you and i it's something i've suspected about people who love dogs you know when people on dating apps will be like, if you want to find me, I'll be over talking to the dog. Yeah. And it's kind of like, I'm too pure for human beings. I got to hang out with animals. I'm the only one.

Yeah. I'm there. The only ones who get me and I'm so special. What I'm saying is they're projecting some purity onto the dog and you're projecting some that's right judgment and you're you're you're it's a blank piece of paper and a bunch of shit neither of us are right that's exactly right in fact i should start here i shouldn't start when he does follow me and i'm eating a sandwich it just fills me with dread because i okay this is real but like i feel like my mom loved me and then i later

learned that it was it like was it pure like or did she want my sandwich okay that's as much as i'm comfortable going into that here's my your mom let me let me explain a little bit more i'll even say it out loud if it's just he and me i'll be like what idiot walks around their kitchen with a turkey leg and their dog is following them and goes he just wants to be with me you know what i mean that's how i feel yeah it's the it's taking credit for it's the thing i that my the joke from my specials about which is like i'm taking credit for stockholm syndrome yeah that's right i'm taking it like they love he loves and i just can't but it also reminds me of again this is just my pain if i'm in a good way i don't feel this way and i'm very kind to my dog we have a good

relationship he doesn't we're not saying hit them we're not no i know but my dog doesn't know we have a complicated relationship he just thinks i love him so well he i guess ben is he's a huge fan of my podcast so not yours mine that's right but i i go like he it calls into question the reality of love is i'm like is all love just following a turkey a variation on following a turkey yeah and that breaks my heart and every time i look in the lawn he just happens to be shitting so i go like so again i have to be careful with this i go all he does is eat and shit on the lawn like i had a line i tried it a couple times but again people don't want to hear this i go i love my dog i mean i love my dog as much as

you can love anything that shits on my lawn which i think is hilarious yeah people don't like that here's the real thing neil and this is why i put on the list and why i believe it's a block he barks he barks at me he barks at random noises he barks when everyone when anyone comes over he barks if you leave is it angry or it's just talking it's loud as fuck it's loud has an incredibly loud bark this is a loud and when i see my poor brother because my brother and i are the only people that i'm like we get each other in that way when i see my brother cower oh i could cry that my dog starts barking and i see my brother's shoulders go up i'm like that's me i'm just better at hiding it but both me and my brother are like fucking terrified every time my yeah so val who's a genius and emotional genius is like trauma is an irrational re-experiencing of a past

negative thing it's not something you can just go you can just go, it's just the dog. It's just the dog. That's what the definition of trauma is. So my poor dog, it has nothing to do with him. By the way, they changed the definition of trauma. What's that? Val's talking about PTSD. Okay, that's what I have.

Trauma is the definition of trauma changed in the 70s because it used to be a physical thing that happens to you okay and then it became like sort of a more open interpretation but i'm still of the holding on to that yeah and i'm you're talking to somebody who made like i've been told i have complex btsd and all that shit but i don't like the overuse of it i understand but yeah but like that's aggravating i i don't like loud noises i don't like motorcycles i don't like and i don't know if it's trauma or there is a thing where maybe it's autism i don't fucking know i'm open to anything but i'm with you yeah but i would i would wager

for both of us if someone could come into my body and hang out for the day if they were you they'd be you if they were if they were me they'd be me but i think if they could give me a report as to how their lives are versus what it's like being in my body they would go i can't believe what it feels like when the dog barks i just can't believe it and the snow that we shovel on these feelings the food that i put on these feelings you know just everyday coping stuff earbuds and it's not always the dog no it's a bunch of things that most of my things i would say noise is my trauma but like also just like yeah so the dog got classified in my brain and i mean i don't have anything to do with this as a negative thing because of the fear and then things like this motherfucker doesn't love me he's

just following me for a sandwich it all gets i can't see him i can't see him honestly i'll tell you when i actually believe keith i'm picturing keith robinson every time you got to um uh uh the when he just comes and sits with me yeah if i'm watching tv or yeah in bed or whatever because there's no ulterior motive it's like you know this isn't food time you know what you're describing a cat oh this is so keith's the cat or in those moments he's a cat cats are either out of your life and people are like yeah um you're a codependent bitch like your cat will show up when he's ready for you yeah he's not here to fall a cat wouldn't degrade itself and well some of them would and follow you around the kitchen well yeah for food they will for food but i just like the honesty of a cat i like the honesty of comedy you said i talk you laugh i listen we get it it's like i've never seen no sex worker but i like

they're they're people in comedy that love them yeah it's the same dysfunction let's keep this clean you know what i mean like what do you mean i think people that love control would be drawn to sex work because it's like i understand this i want sex you'll give me a transaction i'll pay you'll give you this many units you do this for me yes in the same way comedy can feel that way to me i want to be social i'll do it here at this time yeah we'll engage that's what i like about comedy versus relationships is i like what their expectations are they tell me what their expectations are and i'm like oh i've built a personality that's almost there just walking around so if you're gonna pay me be there at a certain time and i have to do this thing that i love doing yeah this is such a satisfying relationship I couldn't

and it's so fair it's so it's very literal it's so literal and it's like there's not a lot of there are people that I'm not the most popular comedian there are people that are more popular but it's all the same i think i've never i mean there are times where i'm like i should be more popular i'm sure i'm sure kevin hart thinks that or dave whatever like guys that do arenas but it's pretty fair yeah i agree you know what i mean i agree you know here's a line uh that i use uh on stage i i if i go one time i told that joke if i want to do one of those i'll say uh don't be upset i am seeing other audiences and that that's indicative of what we're talking about it's funny

because we are sort of like renting an experience of intimacy and closeness and it's over yeah at 9 30 yeah but you know i went i had my physical like a week ago and and i was like yeah i i've never been one of those people that's like this is sad i'm paying her i'm like i'll take care and compassion and listening and questions and yeah mole inspection i'll take i'll take i'll take love wherever it is. I don't care if it's... That's my point, is you have to go like, maybe the dog... This is what Val would say.

Can't he love you and want your sandwich? Can it be both? And that's what it goes back to my original, is there's an envy. People who have PTSD, I think...

I've had a doctor tell me I have PTSD. I'm not just joining a club. It's like, I envy the non-ptst people that can just go like i see what's happening i see i'm appraising this in the right amount and i'm not i'm hearing this at this volume at the right level it's also the good thing about plants and i and all the stuff you do and in my my case, DMT as well, the one time,

you just take it less literally. Yeah. And that things like I, the other day, was turning into my driveway, and I scraped the side of my car on a thing. And I guess I'll fix it. But I'm not. I can't even do the calculation of like if i don't fix it that means i'm i don't even know what it means yeah but people assume like

it means i'm you just said or or i'm dirty or low status or uh or and i'm like i don't know what it means yeah i don't know what it means. Yeah. I don't know what it means that I'm fixing or not fixing a cosmetic thing on my car. Even on my car is generally speaking, kind of dirty. Yeah. Mine's filthy. And I don't know. I've had women in my life get mad at me about it or like whatever to get, they want, they want it to be their way and i'm like i don't you couldn't convince me why this needs to be clean yeah i don't know what it means i'm not getting we're not gonna we're not fighting infection we're not i'm nothing's gonna happen because of this yeah i can tell you what's happening now my life's more convenient because i don't have to worry about

putting everything in a perfect place where you and i are this close to dressing like adam sandler we're just gonna wear sweatpants yeah i mean i don't i don't i'm not making fun of sandler no i don't all of my all of my uh clothes my appearance is all defensive it's all i don't like this house I'm doing painting yeah I'm I'm doing they're painting the door whatever just one of those dumb house things and someone's like why are you doing this I was like I don't know I don't know because a guy said I should and I'm worried about I used to do a thing with a ex of mine who was always fastidious and I go you know this jury of gay guys is never going to come and judge your house or clothes very funny it's they're never coming they don't exist they don't exist they don't exist so like this jury of people that are

kind of come and make fun of my house there is no test that's the line from my book I go There is no test. That's the line from my book. I go, there is no test. I can't be sure, but I feel like your Buddhas and your Christs were like, there is no test. I don't know what you're talking about. And I actually, I'm not just flattering you. I don't know what that means. We add stories. The car should be this way, or it means this or that. If I have this phone or these clothes or this whatever and when you drop that this is what the dying do when you see someone who knows they're gonna die they just they look around at us like fucking worker ants and they're like i don't know so the trick is to die before you die yeah because then you can live like i know that sounds like a fucking magnet

i'm just saying like if you can just i'm always spacious the quality that i want isn't rightness i don't want to be right i don't want to of course my ego does of course i want to win debates and be smarter and flourish and win right but really like my my most prized sensation is spaciousness and even if you're holding a hot feeling like anger rage jealousy whatever just just asking can i put a little space on around this can i hold it a little less tightly my dmt a year and a half ago i kind of lost my mind a little bit but people talk about ego death and i'm like no i was there was there. There was always an I. What was it?

Did it know it was Neil? It was a first person perspective on things. What else could it be? What do you mean? Meaning it was, I was experiencing things from a fixed point. My consciousness. That's I. But ego, I've had ego death and there was an I there.

Right. So that's when people call it an ego death, I don't think it's the correct term for what I would say I've experienced, which is at its best, these medicines are like, and you can't not call it medicine. I'm sorry. I know it's disgusting, but Pete just said you have to die before you can live. So anything goes for the next 10 minutes.

So you can truly live. He knows the quote. It than what you said and what's worse is the first time i said it and i've already hit save on and you're yeah and that's a good and you're disgusted with it i'm also disgusted um and an asshole i mean come on come on um so i had a different perspective on all of all of life and meaning and taking life less literally and not automatically accepting if i don't get my car buffed or cleaned or or even if my house isn't well decorated or it's not the right i don't even know i know why i know it's fear and status and the reason people go like he had the right watch on and he had the right shirt and all that shit. That's exhausting to me.

It's worse than exhausting. It's like, it's really inhumane. I mean, if I can be self-righteous about it, it's just like, ugh, why are you doing that? For what? Right, right. So I guess- What is the watch-shaped hole in your-

Yeah, like for what? Like, and then the thing is, you ever have a goal? Of course, I have a comedy-shaped hole. Yeah, a goal. And then you ask yourself, and then what? I asked somebody, somebody we both know was making a movie. And he's like, and I go, who are you going to be after you make the movie? One of the problems I have with religion and, and, and a lot of approaches to spirituality is it's very interested in, um, ethics, morality. I'm not saying there's not a

place for that. I'm just saying, and then what? It's like a lot of times it's like, we want to get everything perfect in this, let's call it a dream or this, whatever. It's the gay jury, this reality. I don't know if it's the gay jury. It's God,. It's the gay jury. This reality. I don't know if it's the gay jury. It's God, but it's the gay jury. Do you know what I mean? Sure. What I'm saying is the bias of a lot of the times of like,

let's be nice, let's be cool, let's share resources, let's help in this and that, all that's great, is sort of presupposed on this idea that like a lot of human values meaning i would say non-spiritual values meaning not necessarily spiritual values meaning a long life is good pleasure is good pain is bad flourishing is good abundance is good scarcity is bad those are our values as mammals yeah like inherent like when we can't when you can get it's pretty easy to understand like why people hoard things exactly but when you merge spirituality or when i would say when you confuse the point of spirituality with maximizing the efficiency of the human experience i actually think you're leaving a pretty big i would say

the point it's the and then what okay Neil, I'll solve all your problems. How many years would you like to live? Don't be ridiculous. 150? Don't be ridiculous. I'll give you 150 years. I'll even guarantee you don't have any disease or pain and you'll die on your 150th birthday when you gently touch yourself on the nose and you just fade out and it's painless and it's perfect. And then what? And then what? Guess what? I know you know this. Time is an illusion. It's all happening. And we experience it like drilling a tiny hole through a marble. But it's really already happened. Everything that's ever happened has already happened and we're experiencing it in this way. So in the narrative of time and days and nights and suns and sunsets and waking

up and sleeping and growing and aging and all that stuff we have the experience of a life and we want to i don't think the point of life is to maximize it and to like nail it and to kill it and to feel string beads together of pleasure pleasure pleasure pleasure pleasure pleasure oh look at that life that was great and then what i think well i don't agree i i'll tell you what i what sorry you were gonna say the point which is a very funny place to cut me off yeah the point we have a word from our sponsors better help without sounding trite there's an altitude for all of that by the way you're looking at a person who is trying to architect literally the best life that's ever happened like and doing a great job i love my life i will also say out the other side

of my mouth and with humility uh i think the point is to figure out is to realize there's no test realize your true identity. It's the prodigal son. We need to go home. We've gone out and we've spent our inheritance and the last step is to go home and maybe we even think we've been naughty boys and your dad says, you're always with me and everything I have is yours.

Is home a feeling? Home is what's looking at your eyes right now. And we need to realize that, honestly, sometimes in meditation or sometimes on psychedelics, but honestly, more often in meditation, it becomes the clearest thing in the world that consciousness predates matter. We think matter created consciousness. And then when you really get cozy inside of consciousness, you go, wait, we think matter created infinite, this infinite, close your eyes and find a boundary

on the other side of which that feeling of isness isn't. So this thing is timeless, spaceless. It's incredible. I don't just mean do it for a second. Really drop anchor into that and you'll laugh when you recognize yourself. You go, it was the white paper. It was the Enya. It was the screen that the movie happened. And we get confused. This is Rupert Spira. We get confused by the plot of the movie. You forget you're the screen. you were the neutral um defenseless but also indestructible meaning things are just always coming into it but also completely he rupert would say the screen of a movie isn't colored by the things that happen it's not stained terrible things can happen on the screen great things can happen on the screen the whole

time you're the screen i think not only is that like an afterlife potential or like an up leveling of your consciousness or whatever after this dream is over but right here and right now my life is richer recognizing that there's nothing to defend i don't have to defend the peatness you know what i mean like we're both the same thing we're both you're right it's all the same thing and that's a good life that's yeah that gets rid of fear that that gets the thing the reason i cut you off before it was to what do you think of pleasure because there are times where i think the purpose of my life is to experience as much pleasure as possible and not like constant jizzing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just good feeling in my body, a good experience for me. And again, that sounds even more selfish than I mean it. I think what you're saying is incredibly

honest. And of course, of course I agree and relate to you. And that's why I have to be humble and say, I'm saying the whole point is waking up, so why don't I move to the mountains? You know what I mean? I also go like, this is a classroom where I can do it. You don't have to move to the mountain. A lot of our, both of our lives is a hedge. We're hedging our bet.

I'm gonna, I aspire to pure Enya. Yep. And also, what are they paying? Yeah. Look, the way to disarm, I don't mean destroy, but disarm and stop to dissociate from the ego is to notice what it's doing.

We don't have to spit on the ground and scorch the earth or anything, but we can be honest yes pete sometimes doubts what he's saying pete sometimes is afraid it's also the literal is a backup plan like okay it was a very seinfeld okay okay okay okay i will aspire to pure purity and not in behaviorally like literally missed missed yeah the mystical consciousness that's right and i'll also i had a baby i want to feel the joys of being a dad right i'll also or i want to and and i'm also getting ready to do a bunch of commercials for different fluids here here's for money here's the great and and i what i was going to say is what i'm going to try to do or i'm about to go on tour

you're on tour like pete holmes.com what i'm going to try to do is do the stand-up tour and do the do all the like work and and for money and i'll try to imbue some i'll i won't totally forget about and yeah that's right not like these commercials are going to be in yet i'm just saying i will try to i'm not shutting the door that's the whole thing keep the door open all the time also you're narrativizing that whole thing was literally a story. It's just going to be a moment. It's just going to be moment, moment, moment, moment, moment. Well, I'm just talking about what we're both, every human being is doing. I hear you, but those moments are equally.

Here's my, I believe this thing, God, this force, whatever, as Father Boyle says, is too busy delighting in you to have a plan. So there's no plan. Like if only Neil would this, this, or this. The perfect love, the mercy, the joy, it's already there. So can you tune into it while you're on tour or hawking something? Of course. I think the message of Christianity is you can tap into it while you're being crucified. I think you can stay connected. That's the point of that, I would say. One of the points, one of the interpretations of that brutal death is like this person was

staying, remembering who they were in the worst circumstance. I tried to think of the worst. We had this conversation and it relates to this stuff we talked about with like being a good boy and and all this sort of catholic stuff is the lack of mysticism the lack of spirituality in religion is baffling it's like you fucking morons i'm with you you fucking morons they've got that whenever i do these plants i always come away with like they've got the basic thing it's just a bad game of telephone like all games of telephone they do it they tell the story in a way that benefits them like and then anyhow i'm gonna need 10 of your money when you get a taste of what actual living

spirit is or what the chance and it actually is you go and it doesn't have to be through plants and also i would like to say that you and i talking about it also kind of ruins it like it i thought you're gonna say brings you there no no it ruined it it's like it's it's talking about plant talking about i am talking about of course it's you know any time you're there you go with my first mushroom trip i went great i'm gonna have to talk about this and ruin it that was my first thought yeah i was like this blabbermouth it's gonna ruin it yeah boy was i right i wrote a book about it it's fucking stupid here's here's what i wanted to tell you about

pleasure that's the name of the book you might enjoy it but go ahead comedy sex god because it's about those three things right comedy sex god not comedy whatever you take it however you want right great alan watts has a very interesting thought experiment that you'll enjoy about pleasure which is like imagine this is my own phrasing of it imagine if you could you said jizzing feel euphoria and not only euphoria but a euphoria that increases every every 15 seconds it gets a little bit better so there's actually an arc to it just and and you do euphoria you can like compounding interest yes it just keeps getting better and better he goes how many how many years how many years alan watts if you've never listened to him is one of the best

public speakers ever recorded yeah i agree sounds like obi-wan kenobi yeah if he smoked weed and and apparently it was a quite a womanizer i think he drank and smoked a lot based on his laugh that's true yeah but the very notion that something could know itself but not be anyway um he says how many years would you do that it's a good question how many years would you stay in the crescendoing jizz the orgasm before this is what he says before you make a big red button that says something happens and that's what he makes of this meaning there's more to be learned no one learns anything from their perpetual joy you learn things from season three of chappelle show not happening or whatever it might have been whatever heartbreaks you've had like that well no you're absolutely he's absolutely right the the you would

make it like let's save it up yeah let's friday yeah let's you bring the button like i'm let's go on a uh what do they call it a serotonin uh fast yeah that's right people would fast and then like dude if you wait seven days you hit the button you fucking right blast off but it's also like suffering is grace like the idea of learning not just life lessons i'm not talking about lessons i mean if the prize is realizing who you are that you are harry potter your parents are wizards meaning you have divine dna then a breakup or losing your job or this, this, or this becomes a price that you are like, that was grace. Looking back, it was grace. When it was happening, I didn't want it. I can say that about my divorce, but this is what Richard Rohr

calls falling upward. You're falling upward. You don't come to God by doing it right. Paula Darcy says you come to God, no, by doing it wrong. I don't know if it was doing it right. Paula Darcy says you come to God, no, by doing it wrong. I don't know if it was Paula Darcy. Paula Darcy said, God comes to us disguised as our lives, which is an incredible quote. Yeah. It's a better version of life

is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Right. The John Lennon quote. That's right. But that's what I'm trying to say when you're hawking your fluids, your drinks or whatever. Any moment,

the ego would love to keep stringing it out. The next book, the next practice, the next podcast, the next meditation, the next ayahuasca. It actually is pretty happy with the carrot and the stick. When you recognize, and I'm trying to do this, every moment, how could it not be equally potential to to wake up or don't don't imagine evaporating like a rapture just imagine this moment to recognize oh shit i consciousness that i'm in it i'm in it this is where when ramana maharshi died they said don't die his followers are like save yourself do a miracle he goes where could i go which is like a seinfeld said, don't die. His followers were like, save yourself, do a miracle. And he goes, where could I go? Which is like a Seinfeld bit. Don't be silly. Where could I go? Where do you think there, it's in the Psalms. I make my bed in the depths, you're there. I go to the heavens, you're there. Where can you go that being is not? That's you're like i don't think i had an ego death i'm

like where could you and rupert spiro would say the constant whether you're uh waking dreaming hallucinating happy sad eating watching a movie taking a shit what's the constant you were aware that's okay now we're getting pretty close to the thing yeah being grateful hard to touch it was i had gratitude a couple months ago or became aware of it i was like i talked to kenan about it thompson yeah i didn't know you were friends with him yeah only for 30 years all that i wrote a kenan and kel will you do my pod i can't speak for him but i mean is he the kind of guy that would do that yes be a nice way to say thanks to old pd little intro what what what just happened we're doing a podcast and next thing i know

i don't i literally you turn in you turn to an older jewish woman um i just thought no i just thought if a nice might we're booking a show um what if people think that's how it works that the joke of me doing that here is that you shouldn't do this here just for everyone watching don't do that wait till i trade rain wilson for canaan thompson you can have them um we're trading baseball cards basically so how many people have lived 100 million people have lived as human beings we're up right now 100 million people lived and died 100 billion people have lived and died yeah we're one of the eight billion our spot is right now our spot is 79 in your case 73 in my case like you're up so enjoy yeah the other thing i thought of when you were saying this is like so when i did bufo alvarez the 5meo dmt thing in october

i'm sorry november 1st 2021 and i know that date because it i it broke me whatever there were two days where i i was so disoriented i was halfway between normal consciousness and like dmt death consciousness but it's not pleasant. Yeah. It doesn't sound pleasant. Indescribable. I know what you're thinking. It wasn't pleasant. It wasn't pleasant to be talking to a woman and having the side of my POV be like white static.

Not as great as you'd think. But I thought I might have to kill myself if this persists because it's too disorienting and i didn't partially because i knew i'd be going into more of it wow so like that thing that guy was saying about like where the fuck am i gonna go like i was there a little bit and in human consciousness it it's incomprehensible. So I was like, I can't.

So I was like stuck between the two and I chose not to go to it for a bunch of reasons. But one of them was cause like, I can't, I can't be a part. I can't go into that. Is this like, it's just too,

it was too scary and incomprehensible in this vessel we're at a depth that I don't often get to and I I'm glad because it's always helpful maybe this will help you I don't know but I'm always having to remind myself that remember the the Mohammeds and the Christ and the Buddhas we're not just talking about knuckleheads like us seeing these things the people that are merging and and blending and blurring into that all say they all encounter a lover not a tormentor that you see what i'm saying like when we get scared because i i've also smoked five uh meo dmt and sometimes my ego goes, you want to go to that? Like that's your, oh, that's your heaven?

That's your heaven. You want to be in a tornado? Like I felt like in a very, my trip was very peaceful and gorgeous. And I honestly, I can't remember 99% of it, but like what I remember is like a khaki sandstorm, like a tornado of just everythingness and and i i loved it and my ego can scare me with that and go like really why does your ego not

want you to love that because pete wasn't there i think we would rather be miserable and separate and have fear and anger and pain and jealousy as long as we can be special. And I think the white staticky thing, and that is very scary, when we're dying, it's very helpful to remember the surrender into it, love or not tormentor. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, no, well, it's well's well it's also you it's also you it's yourself that's why i say i wasn't an ego death because it was like there were elements of it that were that just it was my point of view my that's right my infinite point of view from my earliest consciousness as a human. Yeah.

And then realizing like it's before that. Yeah. And it's after that. Okay. So Ramana Maharshi again says, God, guru and self are one. So my 5MEO, you're actually, I love that you helped me remember this. My 5MEO trip, I was like like we think we go somewhere we think we go out i i meant death because i had like a death trip you're actually you're go you're going in

you're already there and you're removing this but the trip the journey is 0.0 feet away 0.0 feet away. 0.0 centimeters away. Well, that's funny because we're like six feet. Six feet? That's our essence. And then all of this consciousness and this body is like six feet out from that. It's fun.

I also, the mantra that helped me, because what you said is scary, I want to give it some remedy for myself and for anyone listening, is I trust myself. I do an app called the Four Minute Journal. It's just affirmations and gratitude. And I like it. And the affirmation I never skip is I trust myself,

my capital S self, because that was my takeaway from 5MEO. So you think you're going somewhere else to something else. It's what's looking at your eyes and you're returning to it in its pure way. It's not something new. It's a pure experience of what you've been the whole time. It's unencumbered, if that makes sense. So when you scare me, as I get a little scared about thinking about you being suicidal, I'm so glad you found your way out of that. That's frightening to me.

Then I remember you're scared of yourself. It's like being afraid of your own shadow. And it wasn't suicidal in a depressed way. It was suicide from almost pre-psychosis or whatever. I understand. By the way, it was a reactivation a week later. And if you ever do 5-MeO, people don't know this. 7-0, 70% of people have a reactivation. What does that mean?

Like what they used to call an acid flashback or whatever. It's that for 5-MeO. Oh, really? Yeah. And some... I told you. Left to my own devices, I'd eat the same thing every day and do the same thing every day. Yeah.

That's what's great about marrying. I do not think opposites attract, but I think it's beautiful to find someone who's like an 80% match. Yep. And then that 20, I remind Val of how important it is to retreat and stay in and recharge. And she reminds me that sometimes you should go on a trip, like a physical trip. Sometimes you should have people over. You know what I mean? We're having people over tonight. And it really came to clear to me when she came with me to New York. I think it was the first time. And I just wanted to go to juice press every day. I mean, you laugh, you recognize, right? I had shows.

I was like, I know that this makes me feel good. Eat this. And then she was like, can we try? And I was like, Oh, like, I didn't know I had a block. So what the reason I listed as a block was it's an anxiety reduction technique. It's like people who binge the office it's like i'm gonna eat the same things because i'm again we're in the jazz you know the out you know the likely outcome and we're in the jazz and when you're in the jazz you look for those things imagine i look at it with my daughter she just showed up in this trip this is a trip there's hierarchies and there's colors and there's dimension there's touching and sound she's learning it and the way you do that is you repeat things

over and over and that's very soothing it's very comforting yeah so i have compassion for pete that would eat the same thing every day but the best thing pete did is partner with somebody that was like i'm gonna shake that up just enough do you dislike it every time because i you're talking to a guy who eats sweet cream every weekday and has had salad every weekday for lunch but i mean not sometimes they don't but like for the most part when i go and shoot something like i was i've been in toronto a lot of shooting something i figure out where my shit is eat it every day and i like it because you know there's a lot of stress management performing doing stand-up whatever it might be and val will say things like i never see you learning lines i never see you writing bits and every time she

sees me do stand-up guess what got new bits i remember them and when i act you know i've never sat down with sides guess what i'll never call you and say, will you run sides with me? I'll just, I know my shit. You know why? I just saved a fuck ton of Ram because I never wonder what I'm going to eat or what I'm going to wear. You know what I'm going to wear tomorrow, Neil? You're looking at it.

I got to be honest with you. I don't think it's taking up that much Ram. That's interesting. I, I, I couldn't, I can't know if I'm right or wrong. I'm with you because, again, I have 20 of these shirts in different colors. It's Lululemon pants. I bought four pairs. Hopefully, I don't have to buy any more pants.

These are Pharrell Adidas. Bought four pairs of them. Hopefully, I don't have to. Our mutual friend, Blakeiffin once said i dress like a cartoon character i say mutual friend because pete did maybe the best roast i've ever seen pete versus blake what sex is so many of the jokes we i can't quote i remember them but they are like inappropriate uh like a lot of them yeah they weren't i mean they were it was just a joyous event yeah it was just it was a lot of you enjoyed it i love i remember what i said about you too it was just

a joyous evening yeah um but but i don't think you're saving that much ram but i do agree with you that it reduces anxiety yeah it's just it's just takes it off the it just it's a thing you don't worry about one of the beautiful things veil tommy is just like green light your own feelings like you're saying the gay council or whatever it is isn't coming you gay jury your shit is your shit that's that's the sound of grown-upness to me is just going like instead of apologizing or narrativizing or saying like oh i shouldn't be this way or that shouldn't worry me my dog's barking shouldn't scare me or like i shouldn't get overwhelmed at when val says let's go on vacation your shit is your shit let's not get stuck in the rabbit hole of whether or not judging your own

shit and also idiosyncrasy to me this is the other thing that val's helped me realize she and i do the podcast on Fridays together and we realize this over and over. It's not the feeling, it's embarrassment that you feel the feeling. So you feel mad, you feel sad, you feel angry, you feel jealous, you feel greedy. It's not that feeling.

It's that you can't give yourself mercy or understanding. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Most of my, if i'm writing somebody an email whatever if i'm like having a bit of a heart to heart davidchappelle.com yeah that's just email uh if i'm if i'm if i'm writing someone like i was fairly confrontational or like state of the union i do say like i feel this way and i feel embarrassed that i feel this is great that's always a close second yeah is like i'm embarrassed that i want this look i hope this doesn't make you sad but i feel like you'd be a great dad that is the cornerstone of what was missing from dads in the 80s it was shut the

fuck up or whatever it was and it was never guys i was just hungry man like i was hungry and i had this this guy at dunkin donuts he looked at me weird and he called me old man and i just didn't i couldn't get you and instead yeah it came out of shut the fuck up my dad didn't even say shut the no i know but i just saying say that i'm like i wonder if a if people want there's a dave eggers line and then i will fuck up but it was like children want a subaru outback they don't want a ferrari yeah they want something stable reliable on a door is it uh it's a seinfeld bit about relationships he's like you might date a few ferraris but in the end you want like a reliable yeah starts every morning good in the snow good in the heat yeah yeah oh yeah i i've dated ferraris get the fuck out of here well yeah it's just it's not

yeah and i say this with full love val is the the best Subaru Outback you could ever hope for. And you can put the top down on it. Yeah. But I'm saying, like, do you want to know that your dad, if you're a kid, do you want to know all the, it's like women say they want an emotional guy, but then I've also heard women go like, he cried and I could never fuck him again. I get it. Right. I couldn't get moist. I hear that. I didn't to i didn't like i'm sorry i didn't like that for women i should have bleeped it yeah so i i'm with you in terms of honoring your own feeling i don't know and i mix it up or honor i don't like the word honor but sometimes i am super dad sometimes

i am just a dad that goes like let's shut up no no but let's keep this primary colors i'm not gonna let you in behind the curtain and i'll give you a an avatar yeah we're talking about symbol right going back to dreams i was thinking about i had a dream where i saw a jordan 5 washing away and it was because i realized when i woke up it's like oh because i'm not close with that friend who gave me these Jordan 5s. And I was like, brilliant. So we work in symbols. So sometimes I will be a symbol for my daughter. Like sometimes she will not get this me,

the full, therapized, because I'm with you. Sometimes you just want fucking vanilla ice cream dad, especially when it comes to being like bedrock, strong. Let's not overanalyze this like let's say she wants to do a grand gesture for someone she's in love with in high school let's do it let's i'll just be that dad instead of the guy that goes like you know honestly you want to learn how to validate yourself and you're like yeah shut the fuck up get in the car get the get the plywood we're gonna build ourselves a fucking balcony or whatever it is yeah yeah

whatever she's gonna do yeah uh you should let her know that women shouldn't do grand gestures it's men who do them that's right she needs to women are flowers boys are bees she has to understand the hierarchy i'm just kidding but every spring i feel that way um all the women dress like flowers and all the boys like literally dress like like i mean you're not exactly wrong yeah um i'll take that um you all right closer because we talk so much god stuff we'll do i don't like music again we open with dogs and now we're on music and i think you can i hope you can and i i bet you can get in touch with the me that feels very lonely when i say i don't really like music what i mean is so i took mdma recently and i realized that everything is anxiety so when

i say i don't like music what i'm actually saying is i have anxiety i have anxiety say more if you eliminate my anxiety and put on music god damn i fucking love music so what do you do i exercise i know you do too and you're a big fat ass and you should do it more i i exercise this morning usually in the car i listen to heady stuff lectures books all that sort of stuff but because i got my heart rate up and i was in a flow i put put on Childish Campino and I'm fucking crying and laughing and just loving it. It's because I lowered my anxiety, but it goes back to sound trauma. I, I, again, it listened to the similarity. I didn't even realize this with the dog. What are the chances that three 11 is how I fucking want to feel whole foods. How fucking

dare you impose this noise on me? Like, I don't feel that way. I don't want to hear, um, I love the love of your body. That'll be in my head for like nine months because I had to hear that shit. Get the fuck out of my, like, it's not neutral to me. Music isn't neutral to me. I'm sensitive, and if you play a hooky song, it's going to stick into me, and it's going to be in my dreams. So you like music maybe too much? Maybe. I take it seriously, I guess is what you mean. But the funnier element is when I go to a concert i don't know i sometimes struggle

with how to just listen to music because i feel like a schmuck being like real quick one of my don't really like concerts that's me too i find that musicians are overly worshipped for like like in a way that comedians are not and i resent it i just like the screaming it just feels like everyone's performing it like the crowd's performing the lyrics wrong yeah like the screaming it just feels like everyone's performing it like the crowd's performing the lyrics wrong yeah like the crowds but it's just a we i just just don't work on me quickly movie of your life what's the plot arc who plays you ah buddy this is a very schmaltzy answer, but it's honest. I thought the movie of my life was raised religious, wife got married when he was 22, wife leaves when he's 28. You thought it was your sitcom.

Then I became a comedian. Turns out that's not even in the movie. This is very schmaltzy, but the movie. You already said your quote. I know, but I'm embarrassed. The movie starts when my daughter is born. It starts with me and Val and we have a family. I know.

No, no, no. I thought you meant it. Good. It's every day I'm with a running faucet of love, meaning it's constantly changing and morphing and watching it and being involved in it and and being involved in it and and figuring out who i am i was so much it was boring it was all about me what movie can i see when can i jizz or eat or look good i'm now synonymous with jizz

i say it once you're like like... No, I meant me. And now this is the movie, and I'm not the star, and it's incredible. It's third lead. It's incredible to be the third lead. And I'm going to flatter myself, but I'm Jeff Bridges.

I just think this horse has a lot of heart. That's Jeff Bridges. Fantastic. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.