Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Sarah Silverman

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Sarah Silverman ('Someone You Love' on Max, The Sarah Silverman Program + much more) joins The Blocks Podcast to talk about the things that make her feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how she is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 3:35 Teenage Bedwetter 5:15 Set At Night Ruins Day 25:08 Taking On Other People’s Anger 32:44 Fear of Not For Work Travel 37:05 Partner Travel 1:00:00 Work Identity  1:04:41 Fear of Failure 1:16:26 Goals For Herself ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com  Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- Sponsors: GameTime App Code: BLOCKS for $20 off your first purchase BetterHelp.com/NEAL for 10% off your first month MintMobile.com/NEAL for $15/month plus free shipping Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. Hey everyone, Neil Brennan here. This is the Blacks Podcast. This is the longest I've known a guest.

I don't think I could have a guest on that I've known longer that isn't from my family. Pause. Pause for no applause. Pause for no applause. And I've known you since you were 18 and I was 15? No, no, no. You were 17. Okay. And I was 19. Okay. and I was 15? No, no, no. You were 17. Okay.

And I was 19. Okay. What year was that? I remember meeting you downstairs in the little area between the Boston Comedy Club and Sun Mountain. Yep. Sun Mountain was a bar. It was a horribly named comedy club and a horribly named bar.

Right, because it was in New York, but it was called Boston. It was in New York, Boston comedy club, sun mountain. No one knows what it means to this day. She's one of the best comedians I've ever seen. I don't, whatever, take it.

And it's true. And I also, the thing I like about it is when you first started, it was hard. Yeah, of course. But like no one, everyone just sees the finished product. Right. I literally saw you're probably one of your first 20 or 30 sets.

Like, and then you, and this is a different question. It seemed like it wasn't working and then something happened and it started working. Cause like a lot of the jokes in Jesus magic, your first special were like, I'd seen not do well for a year. Yeah. They were like all my best jokes from 10 years of doing standup or not. Yeah. Yeah. And sure. Yeah. Well, I mean, I have jokes now that are not working that I know will work. I just have to figure it out. Yeah. I mean, sometimes all it needs is a pause or like an article or a, or you didn't set it up enough where you set it up too much or you need to edit it out and pair it. What did you tell yourself during that period? Like back then? Yeah. I don't want to say I have

no inner monologue. Obviously I do. There's a piece. Some people don't, you know, that's like a thing for real. It's look it up. It's a a I'll flash it on screen like there I wrote an article on psychology today some people have no inner monologue now is that because they are without substance or is it because they are living so much in the moment it's either it's one or the other they're either incredibly shallow or incredibly deep and it's it's often hard to tell with people like that. But there are people who like, it's not a, they don't know why. I think for standup, I mean, I was 17 when I started doing standup and I moved to New York and then I, you know, was doing standup regularly. Even if I was just hanging out with Todd Berry trying to get on at the Boston Comedy Club if somebody didn't show up.

Yep. hanging out with Todd Berry trying to get on at the Boston Comedy Club if somebody didn't show up. Yep. I think I was just so excited to be in New York on my own and doing, you know, or working towards being a stand-up. I was happy. I was just like kind of always happy. There is like a scrappy theater vibe to it when you first start. I was a bedwter till I was 16.

That's a long time. Yeah. Maybe 15. And then like two years later, I started doing what I've always wanted to do in my whole life. And I didn't wet the bed. And I moved to New York and this feeling of being homesick, but I was home. That was the depression of years of, of my tweens and teens had gone away. I mean, the second I moved to New York. Home being like you were homesick when you were in New Hampshire or you were homesick when you were in New Hampshire? I grew up in New Hampshire. I knew nothing of anywhere else, but I had this depression that I could only explain as a deep feeling of homesickness. But there was no way to satiate it because I was home.

It's almost like a horror movie. And when I finally got over that bout of depression, and then I moved to New York, and I was like, oh, my God, I'm home. You know, I just didn't know that that was my home. I had, you know, and so I felt I was on a multi-year high, like a four year high of like nothing really got me down. I mean, you know, boyfriends or this or whatever, but like, I was so excited to go out every night and do stand up or try to do stand up or go to open mics or whatever. You know, it was just. If you like doing stand up, doing stand up is such a great thing.

I know it sounds incredibly dumb and obvious, but like. Well, it does because one of my blocks is. I know. I saw that. Sarah's first block is when I have a set at night, it ruins my day. Yeah. And I want you to help me. I have a, I, this came to me about three months ago and I texted her bigly immediately. If you want to know what it's like to do standup or, or be a standup or have a spot that night,

think about when you have to do a toast. We have to do a toast every night. So around 2.30, 3 o'clock, you just start, where's my toast? Like you're kind of just obsessing about the toast or the, in our case, spot. But like you're kind of preoccupied all the time. The only help I can provide is I've accepted it. Do you know what I mean? I had another thought, which is neuroses is basically having a feeling about a feeling so I'm nervous okay I'm not gonna be like well why are you nervous because you're weak it just that's what that's where it gets bad well there's no conversation to have with yourself

there's no conversation to have with yourself oh you know what i mean like there's no good conversation just if you're having a conversation with yourself that's when you go oh i'm telling myself horror stories you know what i mean like that's the only conversation i am willing to have i literally did it pulling up here i was like or you cannot think like this. I was playing one of my classic revenge fantasies. And I was like, or don't think like this. Or stop talking like this. You don't have to. But it kind of went.

I mean, mine started early. This morning? No, in life. Oh. Even worse. But I'm sure yours did too not necessarily revenge but like the chatter um it started when i was 13 do you know what did it oh yeah great i know exactly what i have a picture of the moment because it was my mother i had come off a camping trip where I was student leader in New Hampshire, eighth grade,

Cardigan Mountain. I cried the whole time. I was humiliated, pre-humiliated because I had hid diapers, 13, diapers. You're wetting the bed three nights, two nights a week, three nights, like every night? It depends. I mean, I have a diary at that time where I would, at the top, I'd write wet or dry so I could track it. And I got off. I had cried the whole time like a fucking human being having feelings. Sorry, I was going to say baby. It's what we used to say in the 80s. I was humiliated.

I was ashamed. I was humiliated. I was ashamed. It was finally over. I could have not cried the whole time and now it would have been over. You know, I had all these feelings in my head. Giant backpack, like huger than me. We all get off the bus and our parents pick us up. My mother never picked me up. It was always my stepdad or that's it, you know.

But she picked me up that day. And it was like paparazzi. because my mom was like a photographer because I get off like a mom, please stop, please. I was begging her to stop and she wouldn't stop. It's the oddest way of being ignored. And it's kind of like paparazzi, you know, it's like they're giving you attention. But not really. They desperately don't want. Right. And they're not listening to your needs or your pleading. Click, click, click, click, click.

And it was like a cloud covering the sun. It happened like, you know how like you can just be sitting here and then all of a sudden in the next moment you go, oh my God, I have the flu. Like it has happened that fast. It was that fast, depression. And it lasted three years. But it was that bout. It was the feeling of, oh, fuck, I'm alone.

I'm alone in this feeling. Oh, my God. Because that is a way I tried to describe it at that time to a therapist. I was just like, I became obsessed with the fact that I was all alone behind my eyes. You know, like there's no one else who can be in my head with me. And it was a terrifying feeling that no matter. And I suddenly, I was very social. My friends came over every day. I couldn't be with my friends.

I couldn't be with my friends. I couldn't be with anyone. I needed to just be alone. I couldn't feel the pressure of having to be okay. I remember I would watch my friends from afar and see them just living life and be so envious of them just being fine. That isolation you felt looking at your friends, right? Did it make you feel sorry? What, what, how are they different than you? They were okay. They could just move through life and be fine. And all of a sudden, and that's how I was. And it's funny because it's like my perspective changed by one degree. And now the whole world was different and totally foreign to me.

Based on my mom isn't providing me with my needs. I mean, certainly. Sure. Probably. On that occasion. This is you telling me this for the first time. And I think you're probably right. All I know is the moment it triggered and what happened.

And it was, it was really scary. And I couldn't go to school. I wouldn't go to school. Just the whole thing. You love your mom though. I mean, like that's, you really like your mom, right? Well, my mom died like seven years ago. I love her. All my sisters moved in with my dad when I got divorced. You know, eventually my sister, Laura did too. She, she, she was a holdout for a little bit. And then it was just me and my mom. And they would call me and be like, you, you're not safe there. And you know, just stuff my dad had brainwashed them to think. And I believed them, but I couldn't leave her. Like I, I was scared to leave her. And I felt like my room there and my, it was home, you know, like I I was scared to leave her and I felt like my room there and my it was home you

know like I I so I would go to my dad like I want to want to live with you but I you know so but I really wanted to be with my mom but I resented her because I believed all the shit you know it's the classic divorce it's just yeah it was just an ugly awful now you can look back and be like ah they didn't know what the fuck they were doing no they were they had no skills it's just yeah it was just an ugly awful now you can look back and be like ah they didn't know what the fuck they were doing no they were they had no skills it's amazing my parents like got through life at all and then their second lives with their getting remarried were joyful and great and then they became like brother and sister i mean my my mom on her deathbed was holding my dad and my stepmother's hands yeah i. I mean, that's the, the, the

expectations for parents until 1995 was, Hey, don't kill the baby. Yeah. And if you did that, that's you did it. Don't you, did you kill a baby? No, I didn't kill a baby. You're fucking, I'm great. And by the way, their childhoods were so upsettingly horrible. Yes. It's amazing what they did. My mom's mom died when my mom was two in 1935. My mom and her sisters get just divvied up amongst their aunts because the men weren't going to take it. Like their dad was, it wasn't even a question. Wow. their dad was, it wasn't even a question. Wow. One of my aunts went to Ireland with the caveat that they pick her up in like a few months. And then World War II started, you're stuck

for 12 years or something, stuck in Ireland. I met the woman, my aunt who got, her mom dies, she gets sent to Ireland. Hitler, it's just like a fucking nightmare. I meet the woman, my aunt, who got, her mom dies. She gets sent to Ireland. Hitler, it's just like a fucking nightmare. I meet the woman. Hitler didn't come to Ireland. He didn't come, but he wanted to. He was on the schedule. He was adding shows.

Adding shows. Such a comedian. Oh, forever. Even with the big H. I can't believe you've never called him big H. Oh, forever. Even with the, even with the big H I can't believe you've never called him big H and the, so like I met my aunt, one of the angriest people I've ever met. And I was like, legit, it should be, she should be. So I, yeah. And before that they were all illiterate farmers. So what are we complaining about? Not literally like we're complaining because you know,

well, that's a thing of children of Holocaust survivors. One thing they have in common is they feel they are not allowed to have any feelings. They can't get upset when their girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with them. They can't have trivial feelings because my parents were in Auschwitz. Like that trumps everything. But you must be able to have your feelings about whatever it is but that is a like a common link with children of survivors is they they were raised unable to have any feelings of their own yeah than being fine yes and you're you're sort

of like living proof like meaning you get off the bus you had a horrible weekend you want some comfort and you're getting foot and you're like i'm in trauma it would be great to have my mommy you're right and and mommy is like tmz please stop and i can't make it see i can't have it you know i'm around my other please stop please mom Please, mom, please stop. And when you look back on your childhood, is it a lot of situations like that? Not even in like a traumatized and all that stuff, but just like, I don't, my memories of childhood and I'm especially like comfortable. You know what I mean? They're a little chaotic.

Right. What were yours like, if you could generalize like that? You know, I could paint a happy go lucky childhood and I could paint a childhood filled with trauma. I think most people can. I mean, I had a lot of things that don't even seem like they could possibly be true happen to me, but I also am really lucky in a lot of ways. And, you know, I had parents that were fucked up, but were also human beings and really tried. Yeah. You know, like my dad would go, your mom doesn't lock the door at night.

She doesn't love you. If she loved you, she'd lock the door at night. And then I said to mom, mom, you have to lock the front door at night. If you don't, I'm going to feel like you don't love me and i'm going to move in with dad and my heart's pounding and i wake up in the morning and i go to the front door and it was unlocked and i just thought well she had this opportunity to show me she loved me and she said fuck you you know or she forgot she was flight still don't know. And it just broke my heart. And she knew I wasn't going to leave.

But so now, yeah, that's the part. Yeah, it's painful. But, I mean, my mom was, like, amazing in a million ways too. Whatever, you know, like. All right. What do we do about this stand-up at night that's having a spot? Now, I'm going to be really honest because this won't help if I'm not honest. Well, first of all, having a set at night ruins my day. I do have a set tonight and I don't feel like my day is ruined. But

like all day, it's not that I'm toiling about the set. As a matter of fact, if I sat down and spent fucking 10 minutes on it, I'd feel a lot better. And when I do that, it's fruitful and I have a good time. But it isn't just that. Part of it I worry is that I love to take my partner Rory and I have two dogs and we take them for a big long hike every night around 5 or 6. And usually we have a puff. Sure. I love pot. I love it, but I cannot perform. I have, even if it's hours before I'll be tired. I won't be sharp. I can't do it. I won't do it. It takes my two favorite things and makes them my two least favorite

stand up and weed. But I love having that puff and going for our long, you know, three mile walk. And I can't do that when I have a set at night. And that is a terrible reason to not book stand up at night, especially when I'm starting over, you know, but I'm like, oh, so many times I get texts about doing a spot and I go, oh, I can't, sorry. And guess what? I can, I am available. But you walk, but you're. But I'm like, I don't want to have that hanging over my head on Tuesday or, you know what I mean? It's hard. That's fucked up.

Does that mean I'm addicted to weed? I don't know. I'm ritualistic. But I do do stand up a, you know, handful of times a week and whatever. It's fine. You know, but I don't want it to. I look at Jeff Ross. He has so much energy.

He floats through life with joy and loving a love of experience. He does a thousand things. You know, he wakes up at like 3 p.m. But then he does a million things, you know, you know, and he's eating a hoagie and smoking a joint up until they're saying, please welcome Jeffrey Ross. And then he murders. Yeah. I always think about Jeff as like, that looks fun. Yeah. I need to be more organized than that. It's like what you said about taking a 10 minutes. I finally in the last four or five months have started taking the doing homework.

Yeah. And it's so. So much better. It's so fruitful. Yeah. So much better because it's if I'm not cool i'm not like it's not like yeah like the twain thing where everyone's fucking and dave's that dave's prize that mark twain prize for everyone's dave can you believe this you're getting the freaking mark twain prize

and like I fucking tried. I had to, I'm like, I was going over teleprompter and like, I can't be cool. Of course. I cannot be cool. But I think a lot of people tried to like, just see what happens. It's like Dave, Dave can do that. You think that people just went up and wung it? I think a few people wunged it. Oh, I truly do.

No way. Okay. Yeah, no, I pour over that stuff. I think you and I were in the minority on that. It's actually perfect that you're getting the Mark Twain prize because you both love using the N-word in your masterpieces. I do like to really hone something. I'll hone something forever.

I mean, that's why, like, once I shoot a special, that material is gone. It's out of my head. I mean, that's why, like, once I shoot a special, that material is gone. It's out of my head. I don't even remember it. But when people go like, well, you could go back on the road if you supplement your new stuff with some old stuff. One, I don't remember it. It's out of my head. But two, I won't do it.

Not because I'm so, like, you know, ethical or like I don't want to do anything you could have seen. But because I am so frustrated if I figure out. The better way to do it that you've already recorded. Uh-huh. Yeah. I don't want to now know the tag to that joke or go. I mean, even there's like a joke towards the end of my special that the next day I figured it out. I was like, oh, my God.

I did on my last special. There's a thing that I didn't say on camera. No, it was a line I needed to say on camera that I hadn't said. Did you loop it over the audience, a shot of the audience? No, no, no. I did AI of my face saying it where like Howie Mandel's uh I didn't use Howie's thing but like yeah we had to like spend money and I said it and they recorded my mouth and they supered it over my like I was like because

I wanted it on camera it had to be on camera to me. And it was like, I was thinking like, we don't really need to, I mean, the next step is like, we don't even really need to do these shows in front of audiences. Like there's a way, there's a super long view of it of like, I could just never do it again. I could just record my mouth in a studio saying these things. I have the laughs. I have me walking on stage. I could just endlessly feed that person. And now the new iPhone update, you, you can take 15 minutes, record a bunch of phrases, and then say those phrases as yourself. It's crazy. So, so, but I'm with you. I say that all to say I'm with you.

So, but I'm with you. I say that all to say I'm with you. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As it should be because all we do on this podcast is talk about therapy and feeling better, getting help. It only makes sense. You know how much I talk about therapy. I would quote a certain episode of what we talked about. I think every episode we've talked about therapy. I believe in it. It can help you go and talk. You don't have to go actually. That's the point. You can do a Zoom mostly. I'm sure there's ones where you can

go, but you get a kind of referee between you and your inner monologue. Someone comes and helps you sort it out and you don't have to have been through anything awful or traumatic or, you know, you don't have to worry about like, am I messed up enough for therapy? We're all messed up enough for therapy. So my point is, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist at any time for no additional charge. Make your brain your friend with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash N-E-A-L today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash NEAL. Someone DM me last night to show that they had finally gone to BetterHelp and were filling out the form. So BetterHelp.com. It's going to help you feel better. You shouldn't have to worry when you're buying tickets to your next big event. Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you. With killer last minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, and their best price guarantee, game time takes the guesswork out of buying tickets.

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Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code BLOCKS for $20 off your first purchase. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets. Lowest prices. Guarantee. Okay, this is a good one. Taking on other people's anger. Like if they yell at me for driving shitty from their car, etc.

Okay, so does it hurt your feelings or you immediately become it's catchy it's just you know i mean i don't yeah this is obviously not unique at all energy is catchy it's just like and and the second you like accidentally cut someone off and they go what the fucking fuck is wrong with you and then they go go by. And all of a sudden, I'm like, I'm filled with their rage. And then I know the next person is going to get it from me. And I understand energy. But, you know, lately, I've been able to go, okay, don't take it on. Don't take it on.

Don't take it on. What should help is I just go, okay, this is energy. It's transmittable. Don't take it on. What should help is I just go, okay, this is energy. It's, it's transmittable. It's, um, it's, I can, I can change it. I can't, I, energy can be, can't be created or destroyed, but it can be, it can change into happiness or joy. You know, let's just, you know, I try to think it through until I'm okay. Or like, if I can get them face to face when they yell at me, I go like this. I'm so sorry. Oh, my gosh. And then they go.

Yeah. You know, like immediately. It is so great. Because that cools them down immediately. Yeah. They feel, because what they're feeling is they almost got hurt, you know. Yeah. And then that turns into rage because getting scared turns into anger a lot because nobody wants,

no adult wants to stay in fear. They want it, turns into outward rage and then it just passes on and on and on. Or sometimes if someone is like, fuck you, or honks at me really hard and they're dicks, I look up and I pretend to recognize them and I go, oh, my God. Hi. Hi. And then they want to die because they're like, oh, no, that's someone I know. That's so great. Yeah, it's really. Do they ever go, wait, I don't know Sarah Silverman.

Somebody we both know, an executive. Very nice. One time I was pulling out and I, you know, when you're pulling through an alley to get onto a street and for a moment while you're waiting to get into the street, you're kind of on the sidewalk. Yeah. And it was in Beverly Hills and I was driving my shitty, I had like a shitty car for 12 years at like a, uh, I don't know what it was, Toyota Corolla or something. It was something else. I can't remember what it was, but you know, it was like an old crappy car. I saw someone coming, it was Christmas But, you know, it was like an old crappy car. Yeah. I saw someone coming. It was Christmas. He had like a bunch of like bags.

And I almost rolled down my window and I had tinted windows because I have melasma. And I'm famous. And I almost rolled down my window to say hi, but it was too soon to quit. Like it all happened so fast. I just said, oh. But because he had to walk around my car and I had a shitty car, he pounded the back of my, he punched the back of my car. And I immediately rolled down my window and I said, hi, his name. Hi, you know, whatever.

And he turns around like nothing happened. Hi. Oh, my gosh. How are you? Like, and we're both talking like you're going to really act like you didn't just punch my car because you walk around. He didn't even pretend it was a bit. He just. He didn't even pretend it was a bit, which he could have done.

He absolutely could have done. Except that he kept walking and then I had to call him to come back. But anyway. He could have, he was selling the bit. But, you know. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good pretending you know people's good. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. Hi. The thing you just said that's interesting to you know people is good. Yeah. Oh my gosh, hi. The thing you just said that's interesting to me is I understand energy. Yeah. How do you understand energy? Because I'm not sure I do. I do, but I'm not sure. You're intimate with someone who's in a shitty mood and they go, yeah, thanks, you know, whatever to you. Right.

Any kind of little thing that triggers something in you. to you. Right. Any, any kind of little thing that triggers something in you. I think it's human nature that when we're made to feel emotional pain, our instinct is to make someone else feel that pain immediately. Whoever's in front of us, that's misplaced anger or suddenly go, I don't fucking care. You know, all of a sudden you're, you need to not care, you know. Why is it cool to not care? You know, that's your survival skill or your, you know, but all it is is energy. It's negative energy and it's so catchy if it's just aimed your way at all. And then you give it to someone else. It spreads, you know.

Positive energy also does, but it it's all the same it's just matter it's just energy it's it's it's tan it's it doesn't seem tangible but it is because it's like a it's like a demon that someone has and then they go in you and they go in you and you and and inflicting it on someone else the knee-jerk feeling your brain thinks it's going to make you feel better it doesn't i you know what i realized recently is that it's the i've heard it forever forever and then i finally was like oh if i'm bitter or mad or angry or whatever i'm basically cooking this thing up in me and it's i it's going to corrode the container, buddy. Like I'm it's a caustic, it's like put on your, your mask. And like, I'm making garbage in myself all the

time, all the time. And I physically, I, I had an MDMA experience where I was like, I feel so good. And I feel so loving and forgiving and easy. Why can't I feel that normally? It's like, cause you don't have a lot of those chemicals normally. Well, okay. Here's another interesting thing. So are you on a serotonin reuptake? I'm not, but I have been a lot. I've been on Zoloft since 94 and I'm lucky it's just the ticket. I started in 98, stopped, whatever, but yes. Serotonin is the thing in your brain that is cope. It makes you cope. It helps you cope.

It feels good. You can cope with stuff. And a serotonin reuptake inhibitor bridges. Sometimes it needs to be reinforced. It just leaves it out longer. Basically it released, the brain releases it and then collects it. And my understanding of SSRIs is the brain releases serotonin and then the pills leaves it out a little longer. So that it's always simmering there. Yeah. But what we don't, what I was amazed to learn

is when you have stomach issues, the serotonin in your brain gets sent to your stomach to rebuild your stomach. It's what is sent to repair your gut. So a lot of times when people have stomach issues, they suffer from depression. Even better. Boom. That's really interesting. Double winner. But you could take something like a serotonin reuptake inhibitor if you have stomach

problems might be something that helps i mean i'm not a doctor you i i can tell you it did help it that now like looking back i'm like yeah that that definitely helped yeah i had less and sometimes your stomach issues are brain issues because you know people go oh mind body connection like it's something woo woo your brain is everything laughing at my body connection would be like is your keyboard connected to your screen it's all the same machine yeah when people think oh mind body connection i go how do you explain nervous diarrhea and you know the answer is jewish you're not jewish judy i know but i'm i'm jewish that's right um here's a block for you fear of not for work travel help me with this i

like it i like it as a do you so you don't have a solution you like beaches you know when i've been on a beach i've loved it you You like new cities? I think I would. I think I'd love it. I mean, I tour, you know, but that's stand-up. But there's a way to tour. Like, for instance, what I do, I'll go to Singapore. I'll go to Tokyo, Amsterdam, London. And you could do stand-up there in England?

Yeah. But you go there. You go there. I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Tokyo. I'm not literally, but you go there, you go there, you just, I'm going to Japan. I'm going to Tokyo. I'm not literally, but I have twice. Tokyo, there's a little 80 seater. You sell tickets.

I did it as he used to, but it's like a little bar. It's so goddamn cute. Right. So it's not like it brings you there money wise, but you can do it. That's why whenever I go somewhere, I go, I wonder if they have stand-up there. You know, like I just – It's a nice thing to do. As much as it like ruins your day, it also gives you an identity. It gives you velocity.

It gives you a thing to look forward to. And it's something you're good at. And it's like a nice thing. And it's something you're good at. And it's like a nice thing. If I go to Tokyo on a Tuesday and I'm doing a show on a Friday or Saturday, I can enjoy the whole week. Yeah. I know I'm going to make a little money, get my little beak wet a little bit with money. Do you feel lazy when you go on vacation?

Do you not especially enjoy it? I don't go on vacation. on vacation? Do you not especially enjoy it? I don't go on vacation. I went last Christmas, Rory and I got a house in Big Bear and we're just like lazy for 10 days with our dogs. And it was awesome. I hadn't gone on a vacation probably in 15 years. Are you like worried you're going to miss out or something? No, I have the opposite of FOMO. I'm always like measuring how far I am from my bed. But then, you know, the last tour I went on was like three months and I really loved it. I almost, I kind of miss it. Both Chris Rock and Chelsea Handler were like, you're going to love going on tour. My last tour was the most fun I ever had.

And in the back of my mind, I was like, okay, but you fly on private jets. But it really was, you know, even at the Southwest Gate, Dale, it you fly on private jets. Yeah. But it really was. You know, even at the Southwest gate, Dale, it was there. It was, I think I had a good attitude. I reset my attitude lately and I've had more fun. But the idea of going on a vacation, I just don't even know how to go about it. What if something comes up during that time that I'd rather do? What if I get, you know, what if now look at me with what ifs?

I'm usually good with what ifs. Yeah, like what do you think is going to happen? I know what you mean. It's like a phantom of like I shouldn't. I shouldn't. It just feels like gluttonous or something or slothful or whatever. But you're telling me you don't have, but you have some version of it. I'm not fear of gluttonous because I, I love doing nothing.

And like, no, that's not true. I'll go tomorrow. I have nothing. I'm staying in bed all day. But then around one, I feel like a piece of shit for the rest of the day. And Jeff Ross gives it another two hours. Yeah. And then it feels great the morning, but he's up until, you know, 4am or something. So you do, you do feel guilty about too much relaxation i think so just because i grew up where like i lived with my mom but if my dad called if the phone rang i would panic attack turn off the tv so he didn't think i was just watching tv you know yeah and always want him to think i was busy doing something proactive, you know. So funny. It's, again, probably happened.

You may not even remember it. You got shamed or something for being lazy. Well, my mom was in bed for a lot of years. Oh, all right. Well, that feels like the opposite. And my dad obviously, like, judged her for that because it was before people knew, like, what depression was, clinical depression was. So, yeah. So now you don't want to. I think your fear of your dad calling,

proverbially, whatever that is, though. It's like, if you can leave vacation, you just go, okay, I'm leaving. It's like, you ever go on a vacation with, like, a guy, and you're like, well, if it doesn't work, I'll just fucking leave. I also have a terror of, and I'm in the best relationship I've ever,

healthiest, certainly, relationship I've ever been in, in the best. And, but I still have a fear of, it's not just a fear of travel. It's a fear of like traveling with my partner. Because what if we get in a fight and we're in a foreign land? Like, I don't know. Yeah. You know, like, but also like, so what? When we fight at home, we work it out. Yeah, you got to't know. Yeah. You know, like, but also like, so what? When we fight at home, we work it out.

Yeah, you got to resolve it. Yeah. I think I have a fear of, it's not, I'm pretty good at compromising, but I think because I compromised for so many years and the, you know, easily the first half of my adult life of being in relationships and stuff made myself so small in order to be loved which was also a piece in my family too I think that now I I had like a baby temper tantrum was really funny with Rory and I don't know what we were arguing about and I literally and usually I'm like well let's talk about it and I started punching stuff and it felt really good. I cut my hand even. I go, I fucking, I just want to fucking do anything I want.

I want to do anything I want all the time. And he was like, okay. I really fucking flipped out. But I have to say it felt so good and I cut my hand and even that felt good and he was I don't think he was scared of me but I think he was just like yes and you know like whatever and of course I like calmed down and we laughed about it but it felt really good I don't know if that was a healthy thing to do. Well, all right. Well, I want to go back a little bit because you talked about making,

I don't know if you've talked about this publicly or I heard you say it or we talked about it, but I think the tendency, one of the people in the relationship generally goes small, right? Yeah. I just think that's, I think I'd probably say more of the time it's women, but I know I've gone small plenty. So who knows who, who goes small? What do you think of it? Looking back and do you wish, and if you had gone big, are you of the mind that if you'd gone big, the relationship would have been over in three weeks. Yeah. And also it's like by going big, I mean, asking for what you want when you want it.

The same way they're doing. I don't think anyone should go small. I don't know that anyone needs to go big, but live your life to the fullest. Find your joy and go towards it. And sometimes that is not okay with the partner you're with. Sometimes you pick partners that aren't okay with it subconsciously because this is what you had to do in your family, or this was, is some kind of dynamic that's familiar. And if you, especially with our parents and people that age and older, you watch them

go towards things that are not what they want, but is what is their comfort zone. Like my stepmother was in a tizzy at all times, worried sick about someone in our family or something at all times. And it was a lot of it. It was nonsense. She didn't need to. She didn't need to.

Oh, what if, what if Samir doesn't get into blah, blah, blah? Or what if, you know, like one of our grandkids, she's what if-ing for someone else and it's totally unnecessary. I go, Janice, you're worried because that's what's familiar to you. So it's comfortable, but you don't want to be in worry and you don't need to. Whatever's going to happen is going to happen whether you worry or not. Worry when it's time to worry.

And she didn't intellectually understand it, but all of us definitely are drawn to what's familiar over what is what we want. Yeah. Did you get better at asking for what you want or did you meet, did you start going, I'm not asked for what I want. I don't need to ask for what I want.

Even it's, it's not even like I want something from them other than. Support. Support. Yeah. Emotional support. Yeah.

Or like a lot. Yeah. Not like I need you to have middle. I don't need money. I don't need anything from you, but love. Yeah. But I also understand

that a lot of us in this business are also narcissists, children of narcissists. And, and we know we're children of narcissists, but we don't necessarily know that we're narcissists. So when you go, can you just support me in what I do? And if that takes up all the time, all the space and air in the relationship, that's a problem. Like I was with someone where I took no opportunities because I was afraid he would say, don't do it. And so I had to not do it. Or I would explicitly say not do it. Or he would sort of make it clear

that he would rather I did not do it. Was it because we're supposed to, that's a big week for me? Or just like, I don't think that's, would it be a fake reason for you? The reason was never the real reason. Give me the fake reasons that he, or that, let's say, they would give you. He just wants to fuck you.

You know, it's like, no, it's a TV show I'm being asked to go on, you know? And also, that's not my problem. Yeah. Yeah, and also, I'm not going to fuck him just because he wants to. Well, if he wants to, then I have to. I've also found that jealous people cheat because it would never occur to me to cheat. Yeah. In a million years when I'm with someone, I have blinders on.

I am only, I mean, look, I don't, I don't even pull out my sexuality unless it's with you. I mean, not that, you know what I mean? I'm free or whatever, but like, I don't see men in a sexual way at all if I am with someone. You've been professionally asexual since 89. And I'm sexual and I love, love. Right. Backpacked up. It's kind of a, even the backpack was a little saggy. Well, in the early days, I was fucking everybody. And my backpack had Noxzema in it so I could wash my face wherever I landed.

I love it. So I wouldn't say that the backpack is always that. But now in my adult life, like, yeah, no, I never. And I didn't cheat on people then. I would always say, like, hey, I am with, you know, when I'm with you, I'm with you. And when I'm not with you, don't worry about it. That was always what I said back then. I love it.

I had so much prowess and I had so much power because I was young and hot. Right. And that changes over time. Now I'm 52 and a half and I have other powers and I have to lean towards those. You know, I've got other things. But boy, when you, you you know you watch when women suddenly don't have that sex power the young youth sex power it can make them crazy it literally makes them it's when you're it's it's the comedy version of uh when your closer doesn't close

when you think you're like here's my closer and then you do your closer and it doesn't work. You're like, oh, fuck. I don't, I literally don't know how to get out. I, huh? And I, we're not naming any specific people who were hot and then it faded and they were lost. But like, it's cultures full of them. Oh my gosh. They don't know what their identity is.

Instagram babies are, you know, they're going to hit a and they're gonna but they're and the women that are 40 are fucking filling their face full of shit and their boobs and that it and it's like it's not 20 again kind of no they don't they look insane they look older yeah i think i mean they look plastic surgery years old is how is how yeah i mean like it's wild yeah but I mean listen I understand after a time like I've been doing this in the mirror where I'm like at some point I'm gonna reupholster maybe I have no judgment it's funny but I think fillers and shit make you look crazy the older you get you're like well no I'm not gonna do anything you go all right maybe shots and then you're like all right no more than three days recovery time. One incision, three days, no one, it's in care.

Okay. So, and how, what do you think of those relationships where you were going small and are you mad at the person or do you get, how quickly can you get to Sarah? You volunteer. You can't blame the person because they're not consciously doing it. Right. I think if I approached any of those people, they would go, what? You know, because they were just surviving. Right. That was their survival.

Make her feel smaller. Make her feel like she's doing something shitty if she takes this gig or goes on this show. And then I take the path of least resistance. Now I'm so triggered by it that I'll do it. And Rory will go, you're reacting to something I'm not putting out. And it's true. That's a lot of life. Is that a lot of life? Is that, of course it's like, you don't want to go on vacation because your dad's going to, you know what I mean? Like, Oh my God, dad's dead. Every vacation with my family was awful there you go i mean it's so simple why didn't i realize no it's always the most obvious it's always the occam's razor of

like well i couldn't it's david tell's joke i'm afraid to travel maybe it's because when i was younger my father beat me with a globe yes one of the best standup jokes ever written. And it explains most psychology. Yes, it does. It's really true. Every, every family vacation was my parents or my dad and my stepmother getting divorced. They hate each other. I mean, even when I was little, I remember being on my friend, Julie Blinkensopp's driveway in kindergarten. And she was talking about when I get married I'm gonna have this and this and when I get married and I remember saying oh why would you want to get married like why would you want to hate somebody that I thought getting married was

you two people fucking hate each other's guts because when I was little my parents were married I don't remember a smile between them. I don't remember them ever not being completely opposed to each other. Do you remember the Mr. Show sketch? You might have been in it where two guys are going to fight. They're like, I'll fuck you up right now. What the fuck is your problem? Watch where you're going, asshole.

Hey, just don't touch me. And the other, and Kross goes, Hey, I'm in it for the long haul. I'll marry you, stupid ass. Hey, just don't touch me. And the other and Cross goes, hey, I'm in it for the long haul. I'll marry you, stupid ass. And then they get married and they're just fucking scowling at each other. Dave and Bob. It's so funny.

I don't even remember that. Karen Kilgariff, they kept cutting her going. Fucking guys. Like just like this is what guys do. And then they die together. You're a chicken shit you're a pussy they're like on their death it's so goddamn funny but that's what marriage was yeah like until pretty recently and still probably is like a lot of the time i think you should leave with tim robinson i'm late to the game have you watched it it? Yeah, I've watched it. I think all of it. It's hard for me. I mean, I, I'm just starting to like watch comedy because it's,

it doesn't, um, render me riddled with, um, frustration anymore. It's so brilliant, but like he's basically taught, he's tackling toxic masculinity almost in every sketch. It's, it's fascinating. I would argue it's mostly self-inflicted. Yes. It's toxic masculinity, but it's never like sexism or – No, no, no, no. It's just like, oh, fucking what? It's all just like I'm so – I don't know how to deal with my own rage.

It has nothing to do with women. Yeah, and I'm like – and it's about traffic. And like, well, where's my water? Well, where is it? Like this incredible anger. How about he has a lovely job interview with a man and he goes to leave and he pulls a door where you push and the boss goes. Oh, looks like you pushed. He's so embarrassed by that mistake that he goes. It actually goes both ways.

And he like rips the door off. Yeah. But, you know, he would rather, you know, rip his arm and break the door than have someone see him pull a push door. He would rather destroy himself than admit to the smallest vulnerability. Oh, my God. It's so beautiful and brilliant. It's so goddamn funny. And the sketch with Bob Odenkirk is funny

and, like, leaves you with a lump in your throat. It's so fucking beautiful. Tim Robinson's at a diner with his daughter, and he's sitting next to them. And Tim Robinson is telling a little fib to his daughter because he doesn't—I can't remember what it is. You know, like, oh, they don't have ice cream on. The ice cream store is closed today. And then Bob comes over and he goes, I own every kind of a classic car because I'm rich, right?

He's bragging about stuff a little girl wouldn't care about, but that to him. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's so fragile and so beautiful. I'm rich and I have triples of the barracuda and the roadrunner. Yeah, it's absolutely about like Tim. The synopsis should be Tim Robinson destroys himself. Oh. I think you should leave.

Episode four, Tim Robinson destroys himself internally.. I think you should leave. Tim Robinson, episode four, Tim Robinson destroys himself internally. Yeah, it's all, it's just, it's an unbelievable portrait of the human condition. Totally agree. The funniest sketches I've ever seen. And, okay, so you don't get, you're not mad at your old relationships. You don't, like, hold them responsible. Sometimes, sometimes I'll start thinking it through and I'll go, I could have, I, he, you know, but, um, we're all out here just trying to survive and have good relationships

and, and, and I'm, I'm sure things I've said to men have spiraled them out into oblivion too. You know, you know, it's like, we're just, we're just earthlings. You know, it's like we're just earthlings. Someone wrote a version of like it's a human being's job to constantly underestimate the impact we have on other human beings. We're just constantly hurting each other and being hurt. And we're just like, yeah, I got to go on. I have to be somewhere.

I have to be somewhere and just hurt other people and they're going to hurt me. Also because I think, and this was a lesson, a conscious lesson for me, but like it never occurred to me that I could hurt a man. I just, I didn't know I had the power to hurt. When did it, when did it, when, I mean, not like what was the event, but when did it, what age, what was the scenario roughly where you were like, Oh, I, I heard him and I'm, I'm an asshole in this situation. Yeah. I don't know the moment. I don't know the moment, but there was a moment where I was like, and I think that's what it is with everyone where you go that, that hurts people's feelings or, or go, you know, doesn't respond to someone's text or whatever. They don't care. They're not going to miss me if I don't show up. I mean, how many like gatherings or, you know, kids birth, you know, whatever, um, parties or whatever do I say I'll show up to? And then I don't show up almost all

of them. And I go, they're not going to notice. They don't know. They notice eventually, I think. I mean, again, that's a party. But where you were like, oh, I'm legitimately hurting people as much as they're hurting me. It is a version of Tim of a sketch

where it's like Tim doesn't want to admit that he's hurt, so he won't. So it's just covering up. I mean, there's a sketch where he's choking to death and he will not acknowledge it because he's embarrassed in front of this, like, influencer who's at the dinner that he knows. What the hell is that?

What's going on out there? He's like, no, I'm not. And his friend is like, you're dying. He's like, what? And then he, like, pills up his water and he goes, and then the friend goes, it doesn't, the water doesn't smell, you're dying. You know, like, it's water and he goes, and then the friend goes, it doesn't, the water doesn't smell.

You're dying. You know, like it's just like, he's trying to do like normal everyday things. We don't want to admit that we're hurting people. Yeah. We affect people the way people affect us. And so there is so, you know,

there should be some feeling of responsibility, but you, we would have to think something of ourselves to think that we could affect anyone or, you know, or hurt someone or, or hurt someone. Or we don't want to admit how, you know, that word can be bad. Yeah.

Like, it's somebody who's, I was talking to somebody the other day and she was like, one of the biggest human needs is the need to think you're a good person. That's right i mean even like you hear actors who play villains and they they will always like defend their character because you have to believe yeah that they're somewhere in there they're good yep that's great when you can get there right but you know like uh yoga or anything it's a practice you. It's all a practice. No one's good at it. It's just like if you can go, oop, I'm telling myself horror stories. One time, this was a great moment.

I was lying in bed with Rory. He was like tickling my back. I was in his arms. We were watching Law and Order. It was my perfect happiness. Little stone, you take a puff? You take a puff? Probably took a puff. Yes. That's my glass of wine, what have you. And I am in a full panic about what I was planning for my podcast

the next day or whatever. I did a good thing. I went, hold on a second. Am I okay in this moment? This is a great thing to do. Hold on a second. Wait. Am I okay in this moment? This is a great thing to do. Hold on a second. Wait, am I okay in this moment? Yeah, this is literally my number one favorite thing to do. Just be snuggling and watching TV, had a puff. Why am I ruining this moment with fears of what might happen tomorrow? I'm prepared. I'll get up early and prepare more. Just be in this moment and enjoy it. Like we ruin our good times all the time and there is no future and there is no past. This is, you know, obviously woo-woo to say, but it's true. I've heard this my whole life. I started believing it three weeks ago. Yeah. There is only this moment. And I believe it.

It doesn't mean I can practice it all the time, but I, but I know it's right. It's the first time I've gone like, no, that's objectively right. The thing, my MDMA thing where I was like, well, because I have a, I have a restaurant in my brain. That's just serving me mercury sandwiches. I can choose to eat them or go, I'm not going to eat from this kitchen anymore. All you're giving me is cortisol and adrenaline. And that's not even my beliefs. What I call my personality is just a result of the chemicals on hand based on some shit

probably in utero. So I'm like, I'm not even believing because my MDMA experience was like Saturday. I'm furious at five people Sunday, easily forgiven. So what are my core beliefs? I don't have any core beliefs other than what are the chemicals telling me I am and believe. And it's like, if I, so I exist before now I'm trying to exist before the chemicals. The fury has nothing to do with those people of course and like when you can get to a point and sometimes i do where someone does something shitty and my knee jerk reaction is heartbreak for them i'm in a good place yeah and and i've also everyone's just doing

the best they can yeah and they actually aren't thinking about you as much as you think that you know it's like i had to tell like my my friends that, you know, it's like, I had to tell like my, my friends that are, you know, comics or known in some way who will go, Oh God, did you see that? You know, or they assume I've read something about them or something.

And I go, I'm going to give you great news. No, one's Googling you and definitely no one's putting it in order of date. Only you're doing that. No one's seeing this shit. Yeah. It seems so big.

Yep. On Twitter or whatever. It's nothing. I was listening to your interview with Judd Apatow, which was awesome. He was great. Everybody's been great. But you know, when you're listening,

you know exactly where I was. I was like out of light about take a left on Robertson. Anyway, that's not important. And he was talking about David Milch and how he said, don't think about writing when you're not writing. Live your life. Be out living your life.

The worst he could do is be thinking about writing when you're not writing. And Jed doesn't even necessarily agree with it. And obviously as comics, we have to kind of keep that radar open. And if you think of something, you want to be able to write it down. But that's a be in the moment thing.

Because what I think he's talking about is don't toil about the fact that you have to write or that you've got your set time that you write. And don't think about it other than that. You know, it's like um if you think about working out you're never gonna work out never ever ever that's fine if you mindlessly put on your sneakers and go for a run or whatever that's what you do yeah you think about like i'm gonna be out of breath and sweating it's like you're never gonna go actually if i don't then

i you know and then you let yourself not and then you're so excited you get that dopamine rush of like i'm free snow day but you know you're gonna be in a good mood if you do it yep you know like do your 10 minutes of stand-up homework yeah all right here's another one i'll schedule it i'll put an alarm and then i do it if i make a schedule yep Yep. To get your new wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to Mint.com. From the gas pump to the grocery store, your utility bills

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Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at Mintmobile.com slash neil. With the strikes, the actors are striking, the writers, we just finished striking. Who am I without these things? So that's meaning you're getting, you think, too much identity maybe from your jobs. Totally. Total. Complete, probably, identity.

I mean, did you get this feeling? Like, during the strike, the writer's strike and the SAG strike, there was a time where I think Rory and I both bonded over this. We were just like, who am I without these things? You know what I would defend? Maybe I should do construction. You know, like, he loves building things. He can do, like, anything around the house. And he builds stuff you know

it's like I'd love to do this I should maybe you know we all of us kind of started thinking like well who am I who am I without this it was like COVID again kind of where it was like oh a little a little COVID like a little doing stand-up I'd feel like it's like gets you out of it but the identity thing the thing I always think about is and it's same for both of us like i got in you moved to new york when you're 18 you're basically in comedy i because i was thinking about like why did i think that we were all going to be friends and because i went from high school yeah to comedy well we are all i know but like i thought we were i want to be like bunk mate i mean like i want like right fucking we're all in this together together together together because

all our friends got married and had kids and then we're like well i can't call them to yeah go to the diner at midnight yeah like i guess i'll make younger friends and then i'm like all these younger friends and i feel fucking old you you know? But, um. And you're telling stories about people that have been dead a long time. Yeah. You make references that are not that, that feel like not. Yeah. And they're like, what? They don't know why you're.

Yeah. It's wild. I think that that's like a real thing. But I think most people, we do, people do their jobs at least a third of the day. That's, you know what I mean? Like most people do their jobs third of the day, if not more. That's going to, you're going to, if you go to the beach eight hours a day, you're going to fucking, you know, be cool and have zinc on your. Yeah.

What was that point? You're going to, meaning if you do something for eight hours, you're going to take it on. You're going to go to the beach eight hours a day. You're going to be tan. If you like, we do come with like, I'm not, I wouldn't judge you or Rory for investing a lot in our jobs in terms of identity. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, but also I feel like I'm a comic, like it's a born this way thing, like being gay or queer. You know what I mean? Like I just, that's always, I mean, I've gay or queer you know what i mean like i just that's always i mean i've never since i knew what comedy was that was that was what i was working towards yeah and so i once asked fortune feimster would she identify as a comic or a lesbian first she said comic yeah yeah which is like that's a good barometer. Todd Glass. Yeah. Yeah. So much so he was afraid to come out. He didn't want to be identified as anything other than just a comic. You want to be

a gay comic, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But so I'm not, I'm not, I'm not mad at that. Like I don't, and I kind of don't see a downside. Really? I know. I love being a comic to my core. Yeah, but what are you worried is the downside? Well, you're right. In terms of a stand-up, it's so in our control. Obviously, we're going to get – sometimes we're in a point where we get paid. Sometimes we're in a point where we no longer get paid. That's going to happen. But we can always do it.

It's something that we have. and it's a fraternity that's i love we're we're i always think we're like the island of misfit toys and i love it i love that there's no um i love how diverse you know it's like even before diversity was like yeah like comics are everything they're white they're black they're they're Indian, they're Nigerian, they're disabled. That's it. That's the list. And Asian. And that's it.

No. And they're old, they're young. You know, I have comedy friends that are 19. I have comedy friends that are 98. You know? Yeah. It's like that high Q game we used to get on. Correct.

Eight to 80. Yeah, I totally agree. And so you can't act. I mean, I mean, like, sure, I do like. I know. I'm not saying you don't like it. I'm just saying like not being able to do comedy would kill me. And that's why it's so funny that having a set at night ruins my day.

I know that's life's wild. That's ridiculous. That's so funny that having a set at night ruins my day. I know that's life's wild. That's ridiculous. That's something I have to figure out. All right. Here's a good one. Try to embrace failure, but fearing it. Yeah. Because right now we understand failure. What you do with failure defines you and often is the impetus to your success. But fuck, it's also scary, you know? And yeah. And it hurts. It's like a eight month. It's it hurts our ego.

I mean, it just does. Yeah, it hurts our ego. It hurts. It's like I spent all this time, my energy. I thought it was going to do a a thing it didn't do that at all and i wasted a year of my life or sick whatever a day or whatever i i think it's okay that it hurts i don't like the putting ego on it makes it seem like because you're a fucking ego and it's like no it fucking hurts it hurts getting you go meet a girl for a date and she doesn't want to

it's your ego yeah but it's still like. No, it is ego. Yeah. But ego isn't all bad. We need our ego. I mean, I can get into like my chemical thing where like that is just that, that is like the chemicals introduce ego. If you don't feel, if you can just like be, then there's no ego.

It's just very hard to know what to do. Like, do I eat? Do I walk? Do I do, do I just be, or I just think the ego I'm with you, that ego is not purely, uh, shitty and, and selfish. Like the answer is never outside of ourselves. It's, you know, right. It's always inside. It's always simple. aren't you proud of your the things you made though yeah yeah yeah i'm proud of the things i've made yeah and do you some of them some of them no i know don't age well and comedy doesn't age are you proud of them in order of popular current popularity no yeah there's stuff I made that nobody liked that I love.

Yeah. And it didn't, it did not connect. Yeah. The masses. Yeah. So it's just, and is that ego or is that just like,

I don't know. I had an idea. I executed it and I, I hope people, it was like a little project. It was like Rory building a bench. You know, it's, I don't know which part of this is ego because it's, it's like I made a video and I was like, this is so fucking weird and excellent.

And I still love it, but it didn't. Didn't go viral for you? Uh, no, not even close. But I still, it didn't change my opinion on it. Well, it's also, there's a thing similar to like, you got to keep the thing open. It's like the same part of you that makes that up makes the Sarah Silverman program or the Jesus or like the stuff that is super popular so all right so that time was just like that one was a dud doesn't mean like burn the factory down just means like that was just a bad that the recipe was a little off it's a the kitchen's fantastic but like that in that particular one was like it was, eh, it was, I don't know. Like, it's not so bad, but I think it's when it's a failure.

It's the failures when you didn't listen to yourself and all that stuff that you're like, well, yeah, I mean, there's nothing worse than failing after adhering to a bunch of notes you didn't necessarily agree with. And then it, you know, and then it, and then it bombs or, or they don't, or they don't pick it up or whatever. And it's like, you want to like, you want to fail on something you believe in. Yeah.

I mean you don't want to fail on something you believe in. But you'd rather. I think so. And have you gotten better with that? Accepting the failures? There's always a moment – I mean I don't know if it's healthy or not. But like everything I make, I'm like I'm putting gold in their lap right now. I mean. Here don't know if it's healthy or not, but like everything I make, I'm like, I'm putting gold in their lap right now. I mean.

Here I go again. And I am shocked when it doesn't get picked up. I can't believe the mistake they're making. Like, you know, like, and then a month later, I'm like, oh, that? Yeah, no, I'm not. I'm on to the next thing. Yeah, I could talk about that endlessly. Because we mostly fail. Yeah.

So it's like, and then the successes just keep you on the hook for like three more failures. Yeah, stand-up is just failing and then weeding out the stuff that didn't fail and building on that or figuring out why this failed and figuring out, you know. Or like jokes that you love that fucking bomb every time. And you're like, I'm still going to try it. And eventually you have to give up if you don't figure it out. But it's just like, why do I love this? And nobody likes it. What am I missing?

Am I not completing enough of the circle for them to see the circle? Like, you know what I mean? No, I don't know. And that's why it's impossible. Yeah. That's why they give you a billion and how audiences are like mobs like it's so funny how an audience will they'll either all laugh at something or no one laughs and this is like how did you guys all get together and figure out what to laugh at but it's there's it's there's some chemical scientific

reason that a group of people who are strangers to each other react in as one. I always feel, and I don't even know if I'm right, if there's an influencer. The same way there's influencers online, is there an influencer in the crowd? And they might not even be aware of it. And the audience may not be aware of it consciously, but there's one kind of alpha, alpha audience member who's kind of signaling to everyone else. It would be impossible to measure. I'll tell you what your brother told me. I love it already. when I started there. And him and really the whole brain trust of all male comics informed me

that you can't talk about stuff about a woman's life unless it's also relatable to a man. You have to focus solely on making the men in the audience laugh because they're on dates and the women will only laugh if their date is laughing. It was scientific. Where are we on that? It is proven through time to not actually be true. And I feel like the audiences have changed so much. So it's like-

Well, because the whole world has changed. And so I bet 20% of your audience is on dates. Yeah. Or tops. Yeah. But it's not that 20%. It's not of your audience is on dates. Yeah. Or tops. Yeah. But it's not that 20%. It's not that less people are on dates. It's like it doesn't adhere to whatever.

Women will now show their teeth. They will be. Yeah, they're allowed to laugh out loud above a certain decibel. You couldn't go above a decibel. Right. The gals until 2007. The gals until 2007. The thing I always mean to ask people and forget is what do you think the upside of all of your blocks are?

Do you know what I mean? Because there's so much focus on like, and it hurt and but it's like, yeah, and. I'm working on them. Yeah. And it's, that's exciting for me. Okay. You see it as like, oh, a project I get to make. Well, this became a homework assignment because I had to like go, what are my blocks?

And my first instinct was, I don't have any. And then I wrote those, like just thinking about it was so easy. And I'm sure there are 75 more, but being conscious of them or trying to be aware of them just to come to hear at least, you know, but I'm saying like what all of your neuro what's the upside? It's like Michael Jordan's a fucking psycho, but we get Chicago Bulls, Air Jordan. We got like, there's an upside to all of this stuff, right? What I'm wondering is I don't want to make people feel bad about all of their quote unquote faults because it's like there's a lot of upside to a lot of our – We're all made up of fucked up shit.

Yeah. You know, our most impressionable selves. We were molded by people in distress, certainly in a time where they were not thinking about feelings or who they were in the world or what. Nothing. Aware of nothing. Not their childhoods. Everything was, as Dave Attell would say, walk it off. You know, we're being molded by that. Yeah. Not their childhoods, not everything was, as Dave Vettel would say, walk it off. We're being molded by that. Molded by sickness, by people completely in survival mode. And to even be at a place where we're allowed to look at it, to be detectives in our own lives,

it to be detectives in our own lives like that should be like our number one job outside of whatever makes us yeah give us food and shelter and stuff and it's fucking fascinating it should be for every single person and also the thing that doesn't get covered enough is like people you're fucking resilient yeah it's like you we both handed out flyers at the comedy club in 1980 whatever you got punched in the whatever i'm sorry 90 um i'm saying you got punched in the face i did knocked unconscious handing out flyers for comedy i was not punched in the face but like embarrassed and it's like shitty, right? You know what I mean? And Nate Bargatze did it and Pete Holmes did it. And it's like, you're going to be a loser. You're going to be fucked up. You're resilient. You're like capable

of a lot of shit. And we're capable of hurting other people. You know, what's interesting? Two things I did as a, as a 20 something year old that made people enraged. And I was like, oh my God, chill out. I looked back on and realized I was horribly wrong. And, you know, one was I did feel bad. I was working on the corner. I was drinking a blue Slurpee. I just had a little of it and I didn't want it. And I threw it in the trash, which are these big wire weave trash cans in New York city. And of course it splashed up on some like tourist white silk jumpsuit. And she was out of her skull screaming at me. And I was just like this fucking lady fucking lady you know but of course she was like

it was a totally mindless thing and another thing that only just hit me this year i got off the subway and you know the uh many bar turn style thing yeah go through to leave yep i like jumped up on it and like pushed like i I, I like rode my waist. Like I jumped. I, I, I don't know how to explain it. I put my foot on the bottom. You hopped in and took the moment. Yeah.

And I pushed it through and the guy behind me got, you know, slammed with metal bars and screamed at me and I didn't put it together. And I was just like, chill out, dude. And then like a year ago it was like, oh my God. I like, I like smashed the bars behind him it probably into his head yeah yeah and then slowly 30 years later you go you know what I mean I'm an idiot right it's crazy how and not and not what is your ultimate dream for yourself I I don't have any or no I no no't mean like work. I just mean like what, what's,

what's your old, where are you trying to get to? I will tell you, and this is, I think probably a problem. And I, I told Rory the other day, I want to try to make goals because I've never had goals. I wanted to be a comedian, but I never went like, I need to get on the Letterman show. You know, I've only made four specials. I've been doing this for a very long time. I couldn't believe that. When I read it, I was like, that's got to be a typo. You want to know why?

It never occurs to me to do a special until an entity goes, would you like to do a special? And I go. Who, me? Okay. I go, oh, yeah. Yes. Oh, yeah. And this last one i owed hbo from like a pilot deal i had and they were like it's time so but i know i just i don't know why i never

think about it i never what are your emotional goals i never think that's what i mean like what are your what are your like spiritual goals i want to be at a higher place of understanding i want to i want to grow with my partner and but also individually i want to be able to feel total autonomy and um and him to feel that and to but to be able to be together without us minimizing each other or you know or ourselves yeah ourselves. Yeah. All those, all my blocks, I want to work on them. I want it to, I want to be healthy. Boy, I want to, I, it's not just longevity. I want to be healthy and active and interested in stuff. I have no children, so I want younger people to want to take care of me as I get older.

But the only thing I think of in the future, which I have always thought of, is I want to have a great elderly life. I want to live like I want to be rich enough that I can live in a care center that I own, maybe with other comics. And we each have our own sick pad. We have 24 hour nursing care. And then we have like a common area. But it's sick. Like it's nice. Yeah.

And, you know, it's like, do you ever see the documentary about there's an old age home? They're all like silent film stars and stuff. And they live to like one hundred and six because they're so they perform. They've got a piano. They do bits. They they, you know, comics die young. They kill themselves or they live a really long life because, you know, and I hate to say, you know, it's like Mel Brooks had Carl Reiner for so many years. Every night they'd hang out. They'd watch a movie. They'd eat dinner on their TV dinner trays. They do bits that they've had for years or new ones and they belly laugh. Yeah. I want that.

I want to be old with my comedy comedy ride or dies whoever those are at the time i know well that's and it many of them will have dies yeah that's the thing is they just all die but um a bunch of them don't you know what would help getting like a like a judd Getting like a Judd. To organize it? No, to pay for it. Ooh. Like a real earner. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Judd. Sandler. So fucking Sandler. Well, this guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much. Let's get that place. Adam, Judd.

I want my spot. We don't even need Judd. And I believe if you caught Sandler on the right day. There's no one richer or more generous. Than Adam Sandler. Correct. Totally agree. You're great.

Are we wrapping up? We're wrapping. We're looking at a. No, you're right. I got, you know. What did you. This was long. It felt short.

What have you done that's helped? You do any 12 step? You do any therapy? What have you done? Well, no 12 steps because I'm a big pot smoker, but only when all work is done. Sure. Never drank, which I feel like is probably why I have good skin. I'm right there.

Yeah, you never drank. Mm-mm. Vegetarian, but you're vegan. I'm vegetarian there. Yeah, you never drank. Vegetarian, but you're vegan. I'm vegetarian on Sundays. Vegan six days a week, vegetarian. We downshift. Oh, you'll have pizza. Bring a little ice cream.

And by the way, it's October. Go over to Salt and Straw. Get the Candy Copia. It's the best ice cream I've ever had. Salt and Straw. The best flavor at the best, and I get nothing from this other than it's late September and I'm counting the days.

I might go, I think it might be out now. Candycopia is the name of the. Oh, is this a fall special? Yeah, they have a different month. Every month they have different, six different ice creams. In October, Candycopia. Yeah. You're great. You October, Candy Copia. Yeah. You're great.

You're so good at comedy. You're interesting. You're trying to grow. And it's... Oh, here's another fear. Go. But I know this is... I think this is a wrapping up fear.

I don't want to become an older comic that isn't funny anymore. Yeah, I'm with you. And totally vital and on the cutting edge. Yep. But completely who I am now.

I kind of believe that the audience won't allow it. That you can tell, you can tell when it's like a real laugh and like, Hey, you're all of it. I've always loved you it's everything everything is that like it's you can tell when someone's like hitting it or like like you're sent to a woman oscars really for like dog day afternoon and everything correct

yes every no having said that it sounds like we're talking about somebody in particular it's just like jerry simon's still fucking hilarious yes so like that that's where your mind goes but and then a lot of times you just can't it just kind of doesn't work it's wild when comics become not funny i know because they can tell and there's like a little bit of panic in their eyes when you see them and they're like yeah it's like shifty it's like it's like they got hit with the Scarlet Letter or something. Or it's like a zombie thing where they can tell they got like, yeah, I got to go right. Or like you have to really, as you get older, watch comedy and know what's happening now. Or else you're going to look real fucking old and stupid.

Alright. Bye. I love you. I love you too. Bye.