Blocks w/ Neal Brennan - Terry Crews

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Neal Brennan interviews Terry Crews (new book 'Tough: My Journey to True Power', Brooklyn 99, Everybody Hates Chris, Idiocracy, America's Got Talent + more) about the things that make him feel lonely, isolated, and like something's wrong - and how he is persevering despite these blocks. ---------------------------------------------------------- 00:00 Intro 2:00 Upbringing of non-stop trauma 10:05 Artist 13:38 Football 24:09 Masculinity 34:44 Fear of Water 45:45 Me Too Story 1:05:09 Imposter Syndrome 1:17:57 Porn 1:53:23 Narcissism 2:02:42 What He’s Done 2:08:26 Dream ---------------------------------------------------------- https://nealbrennan.com for tickets to Neal's tour Brand New Neal Watch Neal Brennan: Blocks on Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/81036234 Theme music by Electric Guest (unreleased). Edited by Will Hagle ---------------------------------------------------------- Sponsors: GameTime App Code: BLOCKS for $20 off your first purchase https://hellofresh.com/50Neal for 55% off your subscription + 15% off the next two months Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. Hi, it's me, Neil Brennan. Today's guest is a... You're getting to be a hall of famer you're getting to be a showbiz hall of famer you have enough shit now where it's like okay it's it's

a lot i'm thankful you have a new book called tough my journey to true power yeah brooklyn 99 your head is so small where do you keep your brain uh everybody hates chris when the baby's all the way out i'll give him all the money the old spice idiocracy i could go on terry Crews, ladies and gentlemen. Yay. Terry Crews. And also America's Got Talent. Whatever. You got a lot of shit.

You're like Howie Mandel. All right. So knowing you like culturally, right? And then looking at going on your Wikipedia. And I just know stuff from the news. And then I went on your Wikipedia i a thing formed in my head of just have you ever been on your wikipedia it's wild no it's just it's basically just information but okay the basics are the the background is you grew up in a alcoholic family

and you got a flute and you started going to interlaken yeah interlaken is a teen theater arts camp yeah arts in michigan and i know a lot of i remember when i went to nyu film school there were a lot of kids in the acting side that had gone to interlocking i'd never heard of it before but so i can see this picture in my head of you being your mom had you young right and then were you the oldest of the no i was a middle she actually had my brother at 16 and then me at 18 wow yeah at what point do you realize like this is not a good situation do you know what i mean well i remember being young and being like well let me tell you uh the biggest thing for me was when I was about five and watching my mother get knocked out by my dad.

And I was like, this is not a good situation. Knocked out. Like? Like my father punched her in the face as hard as he could while I was standing there. And I was going, oh, okay, this is, you know, I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I mean, my dad was the biggest, most giant thing in the world.

I mean, people think I'm big, but you know. Yeah, imagine if you're five. You see what I mean? And it's like, he walked around the house, it was like boom, boom, boom. And he was just, it was the law, like it was everything and and to watch him knock her out because they argued a lot my father was alcoholic but my mother was extremely religious so that was a really toxic mix man like she would always be on him for this and this and this and then finally he'd get fed up and pow you know and

and i was just like dude it's your world man it's your world but i actually grew up the way i grew up i thought one day i would have to kill him like because again i wanted to protect my mother but you're talking about at five this this whole overwhelming sense of helplessness. You know, like I am, I'm literally held hostage. And I actually peed in the bed till I was 14, 15 years old because of the uncertainty of everything. I mean, I used to wake up to glass breaking, people shouting, police.

One time my mom stabbed my father one time and it was just always drama like yeah just non-stop and the sense that like you could be killed easy yeah easy i'll be you know it was kind of in the day back when you would hear uh you know this is back when i was a kid, they would always say, and I'm from Flint, Michigan, so all the headlines were like, Flint black man robs store, you know. It was always the racial, every crime was like black, black, black. Local black man, yes, at it again.

And so you started to be like, man, what is going on? But you would also see where a man would kill his whole family or something like that. And I was easily intrigued because I thought my father could do that. I was always thinking if we made him mad enough, he would do that. Because he would come home from work and from bars and the whole thing. He'd be sitting stewing and the weirdest little stew on him, like, you know, just something. He's sitting there strange, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And you get real good at sensing it. Oh, no. First of all, I tried to divert it one time. I'll never forget this. It's in my book, the whole thing. I remember walking up to him and I actually felt empathy. I felt sorry for him. And I remember walking up to him and I actually felt empathy I felt sorry for him and

I remember I remember walking up to him and kissing him on the cheek and he looked at me like I had an eye in the middle of my forehead he looked at me like it was it was disgust mixed with like what the hell was, mixed with get away from me, mixed with... I was like, I'm done. Like, I'll never, it was totally innocent. Like, won't happen again. I said, never happen again. I said, me and you, I understand.

You over there, I'm over here. I gotta, and then I also knew I gotta get out of here because my mother on this religious thing, you have to understand, everything I'm doing now, I was not allowed to do as a kid. Podcast? I was not allowed to listen to secular music,

dance, go to the movies, anything that was remotely fun. All we did was go to church and that's it. We went to church. There were times we would have a meeting every day and then we would go

twice on Sunday. And everything was, the community, everything revolved around the church. I'll never forget, like $6 million man was on Sunday night

and we were like, do we have to go again? I'm going to miss $6 million man. You know? That was my big, big gri have to go again? I'm going to miss $6 million man. That was my big, big gripe. Yeah, I think that's a legit gripe. How do you, if your mom's still alive, if you guys discuss that,

how does she square the sort of having kids 16, 18 and being super religious? Well, my mom did pass away in 2015 the sort of having kids 16, 18 and being super religious? Well, my mom did pass away in 2015 and we had various problems with the whole thing because there were times when she actually left the church when I was around 15. By that time, I was already kind of trying to find my way out. And I let her know because you gotta understand

like for years my dad was the villain and it was okay like my mother would say stuff like you know i wish he'd be i wish he was dead you know and i'll be like yeah me too i mean i wasn't he was gone at a certain no he's still here yeah but they never broke up, by the way, mind you. They were married. My parents got divorced and never broke up. You know what I mean? It was just like, they were always, he was always there, but they had no, you know, when he was at work,

she had no problem being like, I wish your father was dead. I wish somebody would kill him. And I'll be like, yeah, me too. It was just a normal conversation in our house. You know what I mean? But when I came later, once I started going to therapy and started talking about my own issues and stuff, part of this stuff was actually bringing it back just so I could clear some things up. Like, did I get that right? And she got really, really mad.

And for a couple a couple years we didn't talk it was pretty it was pretty intense yeah and uh because i brought up some things and she denied him and the whole thing because again he was the villain yeah and i'm the good i'm the good guy here you know yeah but one thing i realized and this is so wild, is that the older I get, the whole thing changes with everything. Like the thing you thought was horrible is like, oh, I understand that now. Or the thing you thought was just the best thing ever, you're like, oh, that was so twisted.

What comes to mind when you say that? I mean, first of all, when I look at religion in a lot of ways, I thought, oh man, this is such a great thing. And then you look at how twisted all of it could get. But also I look at my dad and I look at him where he came from. I got a chance to look at his past.

I looked at the fact that his father worked on a chain gang when he was a kid and he had to go to school and pass his own worked on a chain gang when he was a kid and he had to go to school and pass his own father on a chain gang and drinking was his escape. And I started to understand him more. Not that it was excusable, but I just understood it.

And then you're talking about the time. No one taught, there was no even no phrase called alcoholism if you could go to church and go to work you could drink and i mean and the only thing they have what they what they call if you were out on the street laying on the ground and drinking you called a wino that was you were a wino yeah but there was no thing called alcohol yes as long as you weren't a wino you were square right you were good you were good dude what's the problem so there was no even not even a definition for it so there were

no emotions until 1995 there just male emotion there was not a thing that was real not at all which is what was interesting looking at so i picture you in this up this this sort of form of hell right and then you got an escape yeah to interlock and among other places right yeah and what did it were you probably somewhat conscious of it like oh this is it i'm fucking good first of all i me being it was me and my friend and and we were one of the few two black people that were invited up there and we had scholarships and and you have to understand like because of the religion and all this stuff i became a really good artist because i would draw what i wanted to. So people would be at school talking about movies

and I would be at home because I couldn't go anywhere else but school and home. I would be at home drawing what I thought the movie was like. And I had a really vivid imagination and I would draw all the time. So you drew a lot of $6 million man?

A lot of $6 million man. A lot of superhero stuff. A lot of movies that I thought, a lot of Jaws dollar man a lot of superhero stuff a lot of movies that i thought a lot of jaws i remember sure you know a lot of things that i thought i think it's gonna be like this and this is what my friend told me it was like this and this and then um so i got really really good and people started to notice but also at the same time i I was, I was, I got this desire to, I knew that sports was going to be my way because I didn't think art was going to actually be my way out of Flint. So, you know, I worked out like crazy because again, I thought I would have to kill my dad when, you know, when I got older. And you probably, by the way, had plans and you would envision it and I'm going to this.

Totally. I was literally like, I gotta get stronger than him. I have to be stronger than him. And then you also, I came up in the crack epidemic where it was gangs, there were drug dealers, there were pimps, there was a lot of vices. And now, and this is another thing, and I hated being, my mother being so strict and never let me do anything and all that.

But to be honest, if I'd have been out there, I wouldn't be here. You see what I mean? When you look at the back, in hindsight, I would have been swept up in that game easily, you know what I mean, with drugs and gangs and all this stuff. But I was never out there. So it kind of preserved me, you know what I mean? It's kind of one of those things where I was preserved even though I hated it, but it saved me from the street. And then when I was old enough to make my own decisions i could go ahead and do what i wanted to do with the right mind but so that was all that's what i mean one of those things where

you're like this is gonna be this is horrible what a horrible life and you go wait a minute that actually saved my actually saved my life yeah even though it was i would never recommend it for anyone you know well that's with all these blocks that we have here at any there are a lot of upsides to you know work hollow just this stuff that we there are upsides to these what are also extremely negative and it's like religion was hell and i gotta go to church and i can't end it but also but you're not gonna get shot in the chest. No, not at all. Some drive by shit.

Like exactly. Exactly. Uh, good luck figuring all that out. Um, okay. So let's do some blocks real quick, but okay. So I, I'm not mistaken in how I pictured. I had a similar where you feel like trapped and you're like if i can just get out that thing can get me out and you athletics but you weren't like a recruited nope nope i i had determined that

athletics was going to be the way simply because that was the only thing i saw it was the way to get out to get a scholarship um i actually got an art scholarship, but it was only for $500. And then I walked on to the football team in hopes of getting a full ride because that's what they were doing. It's Western Michigan? It's Western Michigan University. And I begged my parents. I got that $500 scholarship.

So I was like, see, I'm talented. I got that. All I need is the rest of the money just for one year and I'll get a scholarship. And I promised and begged it. My whole family suffered. I mean, I have a younger sister, older brother, and the whole family sacrificed so I could go that freshman year. And I didn't get it.

You didn't get the scholarship? Dude, I went into the, meet the coaches and I was just like, okay, I need the scholarship to come back. And they said, well, sorry, Terry, we don't have any more.

It's a wrap, bye. And I went home a miserable failure. And I said, ma, one more semester. Because this is another thing, Flint was dying.

Like, if you look at it now, it's, it's a shell of what it was. It was like Palo Alto when I was a little kid. It was beautiful, booming, money. People were getting $5,000 bonuses for Christmas. It was crazy. And then all of a sudden it all ended very fast. And I saw, if I go back to Flint, I'm going to die. And that was my whole thing and I knew it. And I said, can I just get one

more semester, please, please? And so she struck, she said, that's all I got. I knew it. And I said, can I just get one more semester, please, please? And so she said, that's all I got. This is it. She said, because we're barely eating now. And I went one more semester and I got it. Got the scholarship. My light. I realized, okay, if I work hard enough, if I do the right things enough, I can get this.

It was just that breakthrough that i had never had that i that and i earned it it was one of those things that i saw if i just do good and i and i work hard i'm gonna get this and i got it and it was it was changed my life to be honest it was one of those things that was like and even with the interlocking experience and all that and getting that, it still wasn't going to take care of me for life. You know what I mean? So, but football became this thing. But then this is another thing.

Like, in hindsight, I realized I never liked football. Yeah. I don't think, I think that that's more common in the NFL and the NBA. Like, guys I'll talk to to and I'll be like, a lot of these guys don't even seem to like basketball. And they're like,

no, no, it's, it's, it's now it's gets you what you need to get you what you're looking for at the moment. But what I really, the only thing I loved was playing outside all day with my friends.

That's what I loved. But football, believe me, when I was done, people were like, we ever gonna do any commentary? I was like, dude, I'm finished. Like, I don't even wanna, I have no desire. I wouldn't even watch it. One of the things, when I moved to LA back in 1997, there was no football teams here, which was perfect.

That's why you moved here. That's one of the reasons. It was literally like, I don't have to look in the paper because I would be on teams and then get cut and then have to watch all the paper. All my friends are still on the team. And it was this horrible feeling

of you're missing everything. But when I moved out here, it was all entertainment. It was all that. And I was like, now I'm totally into this. I'm done with football. I don't want to be around it at all it was great i hate entertainment see something you and i have in common i don't like what i'm doing either uh well i want to talk about the culture of of

football we've got blocks are coming guys yeah it's so all right i've heard you say and i i heard the second hand i don't know if this is the thing you say publicly if it's not i'll cut it the nfl is prison with money that's right jail with money that was the thing i said that and i mean it it's changed a lot lately um there are things that have been happening i think because of social media but pre-social media nfl was it's alphas on alphas it's all challenges it's all one-upmanship um it's like being in prison and it's all it's like being hazed 24 7 you know like it's all, it's like being hazed 24-7. You know, like it's never a rest period. Never, it's the coaches are like,

they're looking to replace you every second. The other players are looking like you're a challenge. Like you're on the same team. Right, like you're brothers, so to speak. Yeah. You're on the same team, but your brothers so to speak yeah you're on your same team but you pray that you're whoever's ahead of you gets hurt like yeah that was deal like man i really really hope he breaks his leg today yeah or god if you care about me you know wait that's right before the prayer right before we get out there. I really hope my man gets his head busted. Number 38, God.

Yeah, we need some CTE to just sweep over everybody today, Lord. Yeah. And that can't be good. It's just not good. And when people would, it would come out. And it would really, I mean, there would be. Come out like it wouldn't, guys would just straight up yell at each other. Like I'm with you. Yeah.

I knew drug dealers in the NFL. Oh, guys that were playing and dealing drugs. Oh yeah. At the same time. Fantastic. It was just crazy. All the guys from Dallas got super busted a few years ago. Dude on my team got busted. Ended up getting 41 years. He's actually going to be coming out pretty soon. Fantastic, come and find us. Yeah, it's kinda crazy, isn't it?

But yeah, I knew guys that would, and it was always this training day type atmosphere where people would, you would go out and the players would invite you, like, oh man, come on. And you're like, oh my God, they want me to come out. But it really became about getting dirt on you. So they would go out, you go out with the team,

lots of crimes are committed, lots of weird things going on. Lots of weirdies. This is in the 90s. This isn't like that long ago. No, this is not a long time. I remember keeping one player just, I remember he was like,

hey man, there's a lot of prostitutes, a lot of drugs, and you just got to keep me straight all night. And that was my job. I was like to like pull him out of cars with prostitutes and make sure he makes it back for game day. And I'm like, oh man,

I was not ready for that responsibility. But that was his thing to take me out. And then it'm like, oh man, I was not ready for that response. But that was his thing to take me out. And then it was like, we know, you know, you were with me. So we got something on you. You know what I mean? It was always like, do you want your family to find out? You want people to find out? So it's always like you go out.

A form of extortion. It's straight training day. And now you're bonded through vice you're not bonded through oh man we got a goal yeah we got this thing we're gonna beat the other team yeah it's never like it and now when i say the nfo is a little different now i mean i've talked to some current players and they're like wow really i'm going, this is a whole different league. And I have to say it's good. I look at what's happening now with the players and they're free to speak up a little more.

They're literally retiring earlier. Yeah, I love when dudes retire. You see what I mean? I love it. I'm done. What do you mean? You're only playing four years. It's a horrible job.

You know why I'm retiring. This is horrible and I'm killing myself. I'm done. What do you mean? You've only been playing four years. It's a horrible job. You know why I'm retiring. This is horrible, and I'm killing myself. Yep, yep. Every week, I'm killing myself. And then, you've got to know, my rookie year, there was a guy named Mike Utley, and I remember my first game, I was on the Rams. We were playing the Lions, and he went for a block

and broke his neck and never walked again. We played the rest of that game. He was laying on the floor and they just put him in a gurney and he put his hand up and everybody was like, that's such a courageous move. He gave a thumbs up. And then what happened with DeMar Hamlin

when he collapsed, they stopped the game. I was, what the? Progress. Holy cow. what the? Progress. Holy cow. You don't understand. I was like, can you imagine if that game would have kept going? Yeah. Social media.

So are you guys in that situation? They cart him off and then you line back up. Is the feeling like we're all gonna go 70 or is it like uh just mixed mixed we it was oh shit this is for real this is uh good and they're like terry gordon i don't you you're going through the motions yeah Yeah. I promise you. Everyone at the end of that was like, you know, they were just, let's go through the motions. Let's make it look like we care. Like a scrimmage-ish.

Let's go. Let's go. And, but it was like, and then the same game, a friend of mine lost the tip of his finger. I'll never forget this. It was still in his glove when he pulled it off because he got it caught. And I was on the plane like, I don't like this. I don't like it.

We were on our way back and it was like, why? It's a game. It's a game. But it was just important. People care. And I was just like, I remember that could be me and i got i thought about my kids i thought about my wife and i thought about just like i i want to do more than this like football was not the end for me i i always wanted to be in entertainment yeah always

so my my goal was entertainment but football was was a means, but it wasn't the end. I have an observation, which is most of men's leadership icons are military and sports coach. Yeah. And that's kind of like masculine totems. Yeah. Whereas you kind of went a different way. Was it a specific decision or was it just like i can't do it

and did you feel like a bitch half the time yeah i felt like a bitch great straight up um but i knew what i liked what i liked listen one of the things that growing up the thing that me and my, one of the best times I ever had growing up was when I'll never forget. My mother would be nursing an injury from what my father did. She'd have some peas on her eye and whatever. And we would sit and watch Carol Burnett. And I was like, Oh my God. And we would laugh, laugh yeah laugh laugh and I said that's power like to me the fact that this made my mother laugh in the middle of this heartbreak and we were crack up and it was like no pain no sorrow it was I said I want to do that like yeah carol burnett vicky lawrence harvey corman tim conway man and it was

so funny and it was just it was like it was a dream for an hour you know what i mean she was so sweet and carol burnett people like richard pryor they would go and they would do all this i was like i'm carol burnett carol but nobody Nobody will ever be Carol Burnett in my eyes. And growing up- Well, Pryor only got seven episodes. Yeah, right, right, he did, he did. Carol Burnett was on for six seasons. But people would come and do the concert films.

You know what I mean? That's all we would hear. But, and I watched that Pryor show too, by the way. Money, money, money, money. And I watched that prior show too, by the way. Money, money, money, money. Yeah. But then, you know, that was my thing. And like you said, it does make you feel like a bitch.

It makes you feel like. Right, but that's what I'm wondering. Once you get into this, there's that thing of having a dream. It's like, it's easy for me to look at Saturday Night Live as a kid and be like that, right? I'm not in a six foot two. I don't have to work out to so what i'm wondering is when you actually admitted to yourself so you're playing football in the pros for money yeah right just to like make ends meet yep and then at a certain point when you finally got cut did you always feel like this is insane the whole time. Yep. But this is another thing, is that I embraced what I could do, meaning what I loved.

Meaning when I got cut, I would go back in the locker room and ask the players if they wanted their portraits painted. Yeah, that was in your Wikipedia. Yeah, that's so funny. And I would go in. You're charging them $8,000. It's too much. I know. But for a I think charging them $8,000 is too much. But there's a way to do it though. The ego.

You're like, look, man, I can put you over this cityscape, man, and have your whole family over this cityscape. And they're like, yeah, I like that. Yeah. And it became a thing where it's all a puff piece. You know what I mean? It's like buying a new watch. You want somebody drawing your portrait.

You know what I mean? It's not enough to pay a picture. I would just play it up. But I would go in the locker room, show my portfolio, show what I did. And then I was always this good PR thing for whatever team I was on. So they were like, yeah, we were on there. We have a, the San Diego charger and he is an artist.

Yeah. It's a good news story. Yeah. And then when I finally quit and came out to Hollywood, I was actually have my portfolio in at Disney dreamworks and a Barbera, uh, all this stuff. And I said,

I'm going to try my hand at animation. But then Toy Story came out and all hand-drawn animation was out the window within six months. I was like, oops. And this is where we even talked before I sat down. When I say happy accidents, everything, my whole entertainment career has been that just because I just go

and try and would do something. Acting was that whole thing. It was a TV show called Battle Dome. Friend of mine invited me to it, the first audition. And it was out in Venice Beach and we were running, doing art. It was like American gladiators on steroids. And I just went and did it, and I got it. Like, here I am. I'm on TV. And I was broke. Me and my wife were broke. We didn't make any money in the NFL.

It was like you play on a team, then you get cut, play on a team, get cut. It wasn't a lot of money, dude. Never. And so we were broke, and here I was. I was getting $2 getting 2500 an episode playing this character named t money yes it is mr moneybags himself and this is when it's kind of when i say the happy accident it's like i imagine kobe was you know could have he was growing up in italy playing soccer and the whole thing, and somebody handed him basketball.

Right. And all of a sudden it was like, whoa. Yeah. For me, it was like being this character T-Money, I loved it. Like, I could be anybody. You know, and now my imagination could go into overdrive because I already had a big imagination.

Did you have to check in with yourself as to what your actual core values were in in terms of masculinity because it seems like you play all your hulk you know what i mean you're like a big dude if people come up to you they must expect some form of that or people want it or you'd be forgiven for behaving that way right That's right. You must have just decided like every football team, when people are yelling, you must have been like, I'm not a yeller. We don't know what to say. No, I knew how to play the game.

I was an actor. So I could do. You were an actor. You were acting like a football player. Oh, yeah. Hey, man, let's go in there and let's go in there. We got cover two. And you got to understand, coming up in Flint,

I would have my portfolio and I would be walking through drug dealers and they'd be like, hey, man, what you got? Oh, man, this is stupid, man. I don't know. And I would just pretend. And they'd be like, because if you talk too nice, he sound white. Yeah, exactly. He sound white.

And that was a problem. So you made sure you didn't sound too intelligent. Yeah. Because then they think, you think you better than me. No, I don't. What? Huh? You just act like you don't know what you're talking about.

And then I would go in class and nerd out. Like, oh, guys, look at this. Oh, my God, this is amazing. No drug dealer would ever suspect. That was my whole thing, dude. And so I did the same thing as an actor. That's so funny. That was my whole thing, dude. And so I did the same thing as an actor. I could fly into T-Money like, what's up bitches?

You know, you just, that whole thing. My first role, one of my big roles was Friday After Next with Ice Cube. I'm in the middle of ice cube. I had a cute pool. They thought I was from the streets and all this stuff. I played Damon and me and Cat Williams and this whole thing. There's gonna be ball dudes everywhere!

Everybody get down! And I told my wife what it is. She's like, oh my God. I'm going, yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to rape a pimp the whole movie. She's like, I said, you sure you want to go to the premiere? She's like, ah. And she went and she's like, oh said, you sure you want to go to the premiere? She's like, ah.

And she went, and she's like, oh, God, this is nothing. But it's nothing like me. When people finally meet me. So you never had, there's not like a temptation. There's no pull. There's like, you're pretty core in who you are. Always. And it's just like, it's all right. But I knew how to play the masculine game.

Right. Because again, it's not about being smart. You know, the masculine game is like, I get to run a company because I have the biggest bench press. Right. Like, do you know anything about inventory or about sales?

Nope, nope. I bench the most. Yep. So you're the boss. That's the rules of masculinity. So as long as I had a big bench press they were like they wouldn't doubt it they were all right yeah you're good yeah and no one would really think to go farther in any of that so i could play that for years but the problem was is that

you end up it's kind of like you play that game enough, you end up being phony. Yeah, or you end up like the guy who goes undercover and then ends up doing crime or whatever. Exactly. Because I knew how to do all that stuff and I eventually started to become that stuff. And it literally led to the end of my marriage at one time. It just got, you know, just playing this game of competition

and being more manly than this, and it just got real crazy, you know what I'm saying? And for me, it's a game of king of the hill because you know someone's coming to kick you off. You're on top, but only for a minute. Well, even outside the NFL, you're still being hazed by your own imagery of what a man is.

And also, Hollywood is just as competitive as the NFL. You know what I mean? And there were a lot of things that were okay to do in the 90s and early 2000s that people would go, now, you know what I mean? And no one would blink and hide back then. It was just, oh, I saw some things that I was like, that's horrible.

And they're like, hey man, it's Hollywood. Same thing in the NFL. I'm like, that's horrible. And they're like, hey, man, it's Hollywood. Same thing in the NFL. I'm like, it's the NFL. You just don't say stuff. You just don't. It's just the way it is. And you have to find a way to deal with it. And now I think that's the good thing that has come from social media is that now people are at least speaking.

And there's more eyeball. There's more surveillance.'s more it's just it's just no one you can't get away with stuff without somebody saying something yeah you know and before but before no one would say anything so it's just i think it's a that's one of the advantages to it yeah all right let's do some blocks number one block first on the this is a first for the podcast fear of water yes hilarious yeah what does that what does that entail uh first of all i i i'd say i don't love the ocean i don't when people go i don't i find it relaxing but only because that's what other people do to relax but But it wouldn't have been my idea. Like, let's go to the beach and just sit there or go in the water.

Yeah. When I was a kid, you would have the community pool. And the community pool was gangster. Like, you know, there'd be weird stuff going on in the shower. Lots of molesters. Everybody knew. The 70s and 80s was a paradise for molesters. You could run free.

You ran free as a bird. You would almost get respect. No, it wasn't. The 70s was like, it was to the point where everybody knew who the molester was. He's on that bullshit or whatever. Yeah, man. I mean, some dude in the pool got his hands in some little girl's pants. And you're like, well, I'm going to swim this way.

I'm going to play over here. And it was just horrible, right? And so, but also, I got kicked in. And I didn't really know how to do anything in the deep end. I was always Mr. Shallow. You got kicked in, meaning someone kicked you in. That was the whole thing. And I remember't really know how to do anything in the deep end. I was always Mr. Shallow. You got kicked in meaning someone kicked you in. That was the whole thing. And I remember the struggle.

And I never felt pain like that. Because it was like swim and you just keep going down. And the more you tried to get out, the more you sank. Which I was going, this is not for me. And it was so traumatic. I was going, this is not for me. And it was so traumatic. I was like, I'm not doing that again. I don't want to go in the water. I don't ever want to go in the water.

Yeah, it's not relaxing. That's what my thing is. And I used to be so jealous and watch people just go in there and swim and just go from one side to the next. I'm like, how are they staying up? I can't stay up. Do you know what? I took swimming lessons last summer.

Oh, really? Swear to God. Because I know a lot of people that could not swim. Yeah. Dudes that got money and Sebastian Maniscalco, the comedian, could not swim. First of all, I don't even know how to swim. Wow. Chris Rock could not swim. Yep. I yeah he took lessons i sebastian took lessons number i know a lot of guys that so i was like let me take a lesson the best advice i've ever

gotten about anything the best single tip for swimming and you're not going to believe it squeeze your butt cheeks squeeze your when you squeeze your butt cheeks your butt cheeks rise in a way that is still so baffling to me you will literally rise up like a buoy like a buoy i swear to god yes i swear to you i couldn't believe it i never heard i know it's the it's the best single piece of advice about any stand up move anything writing squeeze your butt cheeks it made a world it was night and day it was like oh my god and then everything else after that it's just like timing and but but that's the thing it's like why isn't anyone telling anybody i know they're not saying squeeze

your butt cheeks no one has ever said that. No one has ever. You, thank you. You know, you might have saved a life. I'm sure. I've said it. I actually learned how to swim just around 2020. And I was able to go from in the water and I conquered this trauma.

And I learned how to get in deep water. And if you get deep, you just go to the bottom and you push this trauma and, and I learned how to get in deep water. And if you get deep, you just go to the bottom and you push yourself up and come down. And it was so liberating. Like, yeah. And again, I still have it though.

Yeah. It's not like it's went away. Like when my, this is the, my kids learned how by having fun. Yeah. So my whole family can swim and we're like, they're in Hawaii and we're on boats and they we're like they're in hawaii and we're

on boats and they jump off and they're in the ocean and i'm like and they're like come on in i'm like i'm just gonna enjoy it right here and i know that fear is still there and one day i'm gonna try it with ocean water one day but i'm just not ready i'm just it's still with neil brennan's butt cheek but the butt cheek thing the butt cheek system the bcs is so good but it's getting kicked into trauma was horrendous man well again it's people underestimate how much you can affect a kid with just like a dumb and you think about the person you're eight the kid who did it's 11 yep it's not like some adult malice it's just like a dumb system of fun but it was an older kid how old that's the thing he was around that yeah but again

11 12 an 11 year old goofy kids Yeah. He probably thought I could. Of course. I pan. And I remember being dragged out. And then everyone laughing. And that was the other thing. Because it was, you know, there was no alcoholism. There was no bullying.

Bullying. It's just like how people talk to each other. The teacher would be laughing at you, calling you all kind of names. Like, you know what I mean, by bullying. What are you talking about? You a bitch is what you are. So no such thing as bullying. And just wondering why you feel more and more alone and more and more to yourself.

And I will never ever let my secrets out at all. Like, because someone will use them against and against you and so i was known as the kid who's oh dude they were mocking me all day oh man i get traumatic thing the trauma comes right back when you're like oh man and that's where this fear came from but i finally faced it and that's funny because you said that because i read that chris had taken lessons yeah and i was like oh my god we were the same but like because i and i remember putting on my instagram me swimming all the way across the pool and i was so happy because i actually did it um and i have a pool and it's well that's what's funny it's guys who like talented enough one thing here's a house

with a pool yeah yeah and you're like oh okay well i don't have the skill to do this it's like having a car and being scared to drop yes you know what i mean here's a maserati one day i have to leave here yeah um but yeah so and i'm sure you felt silly posting it and i'm sure you were or maybe you weren't but surprised by the amount of people who were like i couldn't swim i couldn't oh yeah well let me tell you i i finally got over the um the embarrassment thing where we were in life or about in life in life you know hey man people fart i fart so that's how it goes But see, that's what people would say. You don't want farts. You actually do that.

You know what? When I want to do it, and I don't like fart humor generally, but you know, you can do this because you're on sets a lot. When people, when they need room tone, I've always just, I want like eight seconds of room tone and then just a big, long fart. I've never just I want like eight seconds of room tone and then just a big long fart I've never done it I want to do it because it's not it has to be loud enough you know but at the right time my god my god well but the thing was is that I would be manipulated by this kind of stuff but people would feel like oh oh, hey man, I don't do that.

And so I realized that I had to be, in order to be a good performer, I had to be what you would call unembarrassable because that was the only way I was going to learn. Because when you're embarrassed, you stop. You stop learning, you stop growing, you start doing. And this is one thing that I always admire. Now I'm not a comedian, never been a standup comedian.

I've been a comedic actor, done a lot of funny stuff. But one thing I admire about comedians is they know how to bomb because they face the embarrassment all the time. It's the thing where the joke didn't work. Yeah. On to the next joke. Yep.

And it's a power and i realized by that being unembarrassable gets you past so much shit and also being comedians you know you guys put your shit out there like your own personal stuff and i realized i gotta do that i gotta do that i just gotta be honest about what I am. For years, this manly thing, it would just, you know, I knew the game. You couldn't do that in the NFL. Even starting out.

There's no farting in the NFL. You know what I mean? Movies like The Expendables, you don't want to show any weakness. I don't want to show anything like that. What are you doing? I know how to do everything. People wouldn't work out together because they want to see the weights

that everybody had and the whole thing. That's funny. You should have saw, there was like five Escalade SUVs that would go like 10 feet. They get in and get out just to go to the set. You're like, it's all bad. You can't stand me up. and get out just to go to the set. You're like, it's all bad.

You can't stand me up. And I just realized, now I'm walking. I'm good. Like you were talking about outside today. Hey, man, I don't want to leave you all standing outside, but hey, man, people stand outside and wait for people to come up. Dude, if you can't stand outside and ring the time come up yep yep dude if you you might get recognized outside yep and and ring the doorbell and wait where are you in life like you're gonna have a problem doing everything um so being unembarrassable is so freaking important to me man and well that i

what i've learned with that is uh because i my netflix specials are pretty revealing and shit but it's what ends up happening is i just go first yeah and then everybody else goes you know what and it's a bit of a 12-step meeting yeah in that you express something and then everyone goes i got a lot out of your share yeah and uh and and then also the the idea judd apatow was on the podcast and he said his wife leslie man for leslie i think in terms of performance always talked about commitment oh always talked about the only thing that's embarrassing is when you're not committed that's she's like he goes in our house that's the worst sin is not committing to something which is like was great to me so great yeah it's like so like oh i've never thought of it that way like that's to not commit is to

is the embarrassing thing dude that kind of mantra came kind of came to my aid big time uh the years when I came forward about what happened with me and William Morris and this big party and this agent grabbing my nuts. And I was like, yo, dude, what the fuck is going on right now?

You know what I mean? And my wife was right there. And this is Hollywood. And it was like, hey man, he's the head of the motion picture department and uh he just he starts laughing he's looking at me laughing now i could kill this dude yeah just looking at him like but i had been through so much therapy up until that point about being unembarrassable about about just how to deal with the anger and that kind of stuff that whole thing if i may say quickly no having spoken to you now the wikipedia of course my my education of you on wikipedia uh it seems like you're enforcing a boundary. Dude, but you got to understand,

being this masculine dude is about literally letting your boundaries get stomped. And act like you don't care. Act like, no, man, it's all good. No, grab him again. It's all good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And no, it ain't never hurt me. It ain't hurt me. It hurt you? him again. It's all good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And no, it ain't never hurt me.

It ain't hurt me. It hurt you? No, it ain't hurt me. Yeah. And that's the manly way to do it. I was hurt. Dude, I was like, I was embarrassed. I was horrified.

I was angry. And I was like, this is my agent. Like, what the hell in the world do you think you can do this to me like are there everybody in here now you gotta understand i'm i'm you know i'm still when you're talking about hollywood i'm still one of the few black people in the room okay with with a lot of my producers black so hey what's up my man my man me i'm the minority outnumbered you outnumbered now you know how you guys have to plan in a restaurant like who are the other brothers in the room we got how are we going to handle these practice i'm like this i'm on my own

right now i'm like i'm going to take this glass brick it over your head start throwing to piling you in the corner go on terry you know in ho Hollywood, we know how it goes. You see that brother way across the room. Ah! Yeah. I have to look in the mirror. We go right to each other like, ah! What up?

You know? Yeah. And so, but here, I was alone. I was going, there's no help. There's no, and everybody saw it

and acted like they didn't. Right. You know, because they were like, uh-uh. And dude, I swear, I was, I said, but my wife wife earlier, now this is the thing too, because I was such a masculine man, man, dude,

I used to beat a lot of people up, ridiculously. Physically? Physically. I mean, just any bit of slight, anything you would incur the wrath of Terry Crews because of the image I had to keep right not because i wanted to do it it's like if i let the word out that you did this then who am i dude the rep is done so yeah she i remember my wife would be out and somebody would talk shit and whatever and i

would be like what'd you say what'd you say and what'd you say? And they'd come up and pow! And dude, people would get knocked out. Police come in, the whole thing. My wife said, look, this has happened too many times. First of all, you're going to either get shot or you're going to go to jail or you're going to get so sued we're going to lose everything we have. You're still doing this living out here.

Dude, it was the football mentality because you remember the roles that i was taking yeah i mean it was kind of like manly man man you know i was funny but it was still like yo well the peck pop you know what what do you what you you talking to me it was this thing where i gotta say the peck pop's more fun than very true it's not intimidating. Look, it's a good time. You might be trying to intimidate me. I'm having a blast.

It's not happening. It's not happening. But the whole thing used to be, you know, I ain't no punk. And she was like, dude, your anger, this thing. And then all of a sudden you could switch. I had a switch. And too many people had been on the other end of that. And I got away with a lot of stuff.

And no one sued you? Got away with a lot. Jesus. Usually people were too drunk to even remember. Right, right, right. That's usually, because I don't drink. So the other person would always be like, and then they'd probably be like, who, what?

Yeah. And it was all a blur. But I promised her that I would not get violent. And that came to save me during that time because I was just like, no, I'm gonna handle this the other way. You know what I mean? There's a whole another way to do this. And I went right to handle this the other way. You know what I mean? There's a whole other way to do this. And I went right to him afterwards and just was like, you know, he can't do this.

And they were like, yeah, he can't. He apologized. So it's good now, right? I was like, no, no. And they said, okay, we're going to do something about it. And I waited. Nothing happened, right? And they said, okay, we're going to do something about it.

And I waited. Nothing happened, right? And then when everything was going out in regards to the Me Too stuff, and it was all the ladies were coming out about their stories, the whole thing, and I knew it had happened to me. And I just felt like a farce. This is the part about being unembarrassable that I felt like, I have to tell this. This is going to, a lot like, I have to tell this.

A lot of people are gonna be shocked, I knew. But I was like, if I didn't, I felt like I was a farce. I felt like, because all these guys were dogging these women out. They're like, that's what you gotta do in Hollywood. You know what I mean? You knew what you wanted. You knew you were tempting him the whole time. I was like, so I was tempting this dude the whole time?

What does that mean? Did you pop pecs? You were popping your pecs, that's what you were doing. I seen your shirtless, you're calling for it. And I was like, hey man. And so when I tweeted, it was 16 tweets, just really just detailing what happened and I was like yo so all you guys that are saying that this shit should happen it

shouldn't that's what that's what the whole purpose was like yo you gotta keep your hands to yourself yeah that's all that blew up like crazy because they were like big muscular and i i and i realized i said i'm glad to be on the side like i said um it was the it was the real me without all the machismo yeah and the hoopla i was like i didn't do anything wrong why why would i even be ashamed did you worry about any of the people that you were violent against coming for you no no because there was enough distance yeah but behind that you know i mean so you know usually you know after a few years the statute of limitations had been gone but i'm just talking like karmically or something you know what i mean no no because i one thing i know is you know this thing was a

movement like it was just all encompassing is one that one i think the the good thing about social media you know like you said everything has this yeah everybody talking you can talk about how heinous yeah social media is now but there were some good things that came out of this stuff. And I just thought, man, I got to stand with these ladies because it was crazy. And they were like my inspirations in this whole thing. And I'm still still glad

that I did that. And I ended up suing William Morris and the guy left because another thing it was, was that I finally knew how to put up a boundary. Yeah. Same thing. And they were telling me,

no, he can get away with this. I'm like, no, he can't. Yeah. You can't freaking molest the clients and go to work. I spent half a million dollars of my own money, me and my wife. And then my wife was telling me, this is another thing.

That's a lot of boundaries. Oh, it's a whole, 500,000 pieces of boundaries. But my wife was like, Terry, there's not a woman in your life that hasn't been through this. Yeah. And I was like, oh, damn.

She was like, first of all, all your daughters have been through it. I've been through it. And she's like, let me tell you what you got to do. And she was like, this is what we need to do and i was like oh wow because seeing it from her perspective i was going yeah yep we're gonna stick with this and uh we ended up like i didn't get any money i didn't want any money i just wanted god not any money. I just wanted God not to. He can't go to work. You just got to send this message out. What do you make of redemption within this?

You say he can't go to work. In this case, I think he's probably old enough and rich enough to retire. But what if he's 40? well i i just think that my whole thing was you lost the privilege of being that now you can do whatever else you want to do you know i mean it wasn't my job to take all your money and then but it was just like no you were you had that you're the head of the motion picture department you can't do that anymore you know it's like if you're in a church and you catch a guy robbing he robs the offering plate you can't work with the offering yeah you can park cars yeah you know that's good you can stand out there and do that you can clean up maybe but don't

give him the offering anymore you know what i mean and that's the thing it's just too gentle you know it's it's a little you know and i knew that once he was gone and now he and he may be working in some other capacity, might be doing whatever. I don't care. But I just felt like that was a stand. That was my boundary. And I was going to and I literally was going to pay any price. I was going to pay. I'll pay.

I'll spend a million dollars to win one buck. That was the thing, man. And I realized it was just no end. And I was done with Hollywood at that moment. I was just going, football ended. Entertainment could end. I'll just do something else. You know?

Yeah. I mean, that's another thing too, man. A lot of people are fooled by this thing. Like, I mean, there's a whole lot of shit to do. You could do a lot of things in the world. You know, I got to do it. Well, I think people get that competitive. Right.

Where it's like, it was my dream and I'm not going to let them. And it's like, you know, you can just go, okay, that was a dream that a 15-year-old version of me had. okay, that was a dream that a 15-year-old version of me had. You could just go, but people just get too competitive and they don't want to admit like, oh, these people are better than me at this or I can't figure out how to politically operate or whatever. There's other stuff to do.

There's other shit to do, yeah. Look, that's how they kept people in the NFL when I was playing. They were like, what else are you going to do, man? In that case, I think they're right. What else a lot of these guys can do? Their brains are busted. They've got heavy limbs.

Hold on for dear life. Oh my God, I don't. Keep playing. Keep playing. I have one leg. What else am I going to do? Yeah, I got to do that Richard gear. Where else am I gonna do yeah yeah i gotta do that richard gear where am i gonna go i got nowhere else to go and what and so yeah you were willing to walk having made a good amount of money in showbiz though yeah no listen i've done very well yeah

you know one thing is i look at myself as very lucky man like because all my business has been repeat business you know i i neil you gotta understand man i love this like i love entertainment i love making people laugh i love making people cry and entertainment i love being a pivotal part i love you love suing people. Yeah. That too. If they do something wrong, I love it. But also,

remember, the same rules that apply to football apply to entertainment. Playing outside with my friends all day. Yeah. That's what I love.

When I was on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, dude, it felt like playing with your friends all day. Yeah, there's a lot of people that I play with, yeah. Cracking up.

All we did was laugh. All we did was tell jokes. All we did was, I mean, make sure each joke hit right. Or if nothing, I mean, nothing was off limits. You could try something and if it didn't work,

it just didn't go. We tried another thing and it was better. Dude, and I'd go home happy. Like tired, exhausted, but happy. Yeah. That's what you do when you're 12. Yeah.

And you're playing all day. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, we get to play pretend. This is what this is, man. And that's all I've ever been doing my whole time. I mean, from the time I started, from the time I was a kid to this day right now,

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HelloFresh America's number one meal kit. HelloFresh eat. up hello fresh delicious number two imposter syndrome uh i can i can probably hear your inner monologue around it like i just said, I feel lucky. Yeah. But you also feel like, why me? Like there was some kids that were super talented in high school that went to school for acting and did all the things and they did everything. And you're like, wait, you're doing all this. Are you really good? Right. But, you know, I'm sure you've learned or figured out by now a lot of it's just your face and body it's very true nothing talent's fine it's so true if you and i have the same amount of talent and i look like this and you look like that you're gonna book camacho right

you're just gonna book more shit because you as when i direct it's like when i cut to someone the audience needs to feel a certain way in a split second yeah with you they're like if i'm low angle it's he's menacing he's mean he's silly he's whatever yeah yeah you cut to me you're like i don't know um so a lot of it is so it's imposter syndrome but have you ever cast anything no no what's interesting is i almost would it would be an interesting uh exercise i always want people to come if i'm just casting a commercial and i'll go come watch come watch these 90 people wow and you just go nope nope okay nope it's all it's a feeling but it's mostly just physical yeah it's just a lot of it's just kind of modeling in a weird way yeah and it but it's too much you're saying it's

too much put on talent you have to be talented right but when people say i'm no i'm talented you can know you're i'm talented I look like what I look like. You're not going to, you're going to cast me as a jerk or a boss or a drug addict. That's just what it is, guys. Wow. You know what I mean? Dude, first of all, butt cheek boy. I got to remember this.

The Neil Brennan's butt cheek system. And it's just, most of it's physical dude i you're not gonna be cast as a 22 year old but see this is the thing i remember this i had a crisis and this was bad everybody hates chris while we were shooting this whole thing and i remember saying the lines and i was just like i i don't I'm not believable. Dude, I doubted everything I was doing. It was around the third season and we only did four. But around the beginning of the third, I was like,

you know how there were things where I could, when I did the movie White Chicks, I felt every word. I knew I was like, it was knocking it out the park. You also worship white women. We all know that. That's why the part worked. It was excellent. I knew it. But at the same time, when I was doing that, first two years, I was like, okay, I'm getting better.

But then there was a moment I was just going, I'm not good. I'm not good at this and i was horrified like i thought everybody was gonna see it i thought everyone was gonna notice i remember asking my wife she was like no it looks great what are you talking about but i was like i don't believe it i thought she was lying and then you start to feel like everyone yeah it's just pandering and and and it it was like that for a long time and that imposter syndrome is a big big block i mean even now i'm i'm hosting america's got talent and i'm out there and it's live and the whole thing but you know i'm big i'm a big personality and I like being like hello everybody I love that I like walking in a room what's up hey

because this is the thing attention is the hardest thing to get like yeah especially now like hey everybody how you doing some people can do that yeah I can't do that because people are like they're still doing their crosswords they're still looking over here

they're still doing I'm like yo I want still looking over here. They're still doing it. I'm like, yo, I want that. If that's what the mission is, you know, I want to get that. But then I get, you know, you look and maybe look at some tweet or something. They're like, he's so loud. He's too loud. And why is he yelling? You have a mic.

You know, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm yelling. I'm yelling too much. And maybe I never was supposed to do this this and it's so crazy how it'll creep up and i've been doing it for five years yeah i mean it's the only i say it's the only talent where you wake up and go i don't think i can do and i don't think airline pilots wake and go like i can't fly planes i can't i don't understand i'm a doctor i don't even know what a scalpel is that is is exactly, you go, and it's like every time you do it,

you're starting from the beginning. Yeah. Get back in line. That's what I call it. Get back in line. Great. Get back in line. That's exactly it.

And you feel like it's the first time you've ever done it. And you go, why can't these lines, why did I say that? And then you start redoing what, you know, what you did or the audition process or whatever. And you're like, you know, there's times I'm totally monked up at audition. Then I go in the car after the audition is over and do the thing for like two hours by myself. Yep.

Just so I can do it. And say I can do it. But it's a waste of time. And it's so ridiculous. But this is the stuff we go through. But I feel like, again, i could be dead wrong i feel like you prepare a lot i do that which i that to me is the best it's the antidote for kind of every malady that we face as performers because like if you prepare you're not you're it you're not

gonna be nervous you're just gonna be like no I'm just gonna run this system that I've been prepping. I prepare so much, Neil, that my wife, she told me, I think you have a learning disability. Because what I would do is write my lines. Shout out to wives. Yeah, this is one reason why I'm so messed up, but she said, I think you have a learning disability. I mean, because I would fill notebooks, I mean, with just my lines.

And I would rewrite them till I knew them. And I could rewrite them. Same system. And I mean, Phil, Pat, it looks like literally like Jack Nicholson and the whole thing. Like it's just all work. Nobody makes Jack Nicholson. And I have full of old lines. Like a crazy person. Jack Nicholson and the whole thing. It's just all work. Nobody makes Jack a little boy.

And I have full of old lines. And she's like, something's wrong here. You did all this. I can't be unprepared. I can't feel like nothing worse than walking on set and feeling like you don't know what's happening. Yeah. And you're the problem. Yeah.

I don't want to do that. And that's another thing. As I've realized, I can't i've realized i can't wing it i can't wing it and i don't know if i've said this on i might have said it on keenan thompson's podcast but when there was a mark twain tribute for chappelle right and it's like john stewart and and aziz and heavy hitters right sarah silverman and most definitely all these people wow and uh and i did and jost and che and kena and all these guys and i did arguably the best and when i got off kena goes how did you do that and i go i tried and it was the first time i ever really like prepped it yep had. Had a thing prepped, prepped,

prepped, prepped in my, they're all doing stuff. I'm literally going over a teleprompter on my computer, like kind of rudimentary shit. And I think a lot of people wanted to be cool. Cause Dave's cool. And I'm like,

I've been around Dave long enough to know, like it's a different system. Yep. He is cool. He can wing it he's the only one yeah I really it's like not like someone's like he just can do it I can't so I'm not gonna pretend I can and I can just smell that on you all over like just over prepped over yep and then prep on top of that oh wait and you know what the nightmare is

working with somebody who's like loosey-goosey yep i'm like i had this whole thing prepared and you're a square you're a bitch oh dude i come in and be like please say say the line like it's supposed to be said because you just said something totally different and and i'm going will the director come in and tell this guy to say his shit? And that's the point where you get too into everyone else. And that's where that imposter syndrome is. Why do I need to study so much? What's wrong with me?

Is my wife correct? The person who knows me the most in the world. Do I have a learning disability? Should I quit? Should I turn myself in? I tell her. I'm like, no, I don't. I just like to be prepared.

She's like, no, no, there's something wrong with you. You have a learning disability. What's embarrassing for me is I'm just starting to understand that I need to do it. I have a new show. Did it in New York and wasn't prepared enough. And it was good, but I had taken three weeks off. I hadn't done the show in three weeks

and I was like, no, it's in me. And then it was like, I spent the whole time trying to remember it. And I was like, I have to take two hours any time I do a show at least

to that day to just memorize it we're brothers yeah because i'm trying to tell you that's that's me i i can't i just started terry terry i'm talking about it's august this or it's september this is in like june where i'm like idiot take the lesson from twain take the lesson from so i take i get my fucking crazy notebook yep and i and i imagine it yesterday so i do a show saturday and at the comedy store had a new joke that i didn't try because it wasn't memorized enough and then i'm gonna do it tomorrow today's monday long story short i spent

20 minutes yesterday just writing memorizing it there you go just like in a down moment on a sunday cool people are smoking weed right party and swimming hey man i never got these people on set they're talking yeah like what are you doing, what are you doing? So, what are you doing, Amala? I'm going, dude, I am studying my freaking lines. Listen, this is so weird. I have to have my sides in my pocket to say my lines correctly. It's weird.

If my sides aren't in my pocket, I feel like I don't know them. Yeah. And it's strange because I'm not looking at them, but I just have to know they're on me. Yeah. And all of a sudden, I can vision the lines and vision those things. But if the sides are somewhere I don't have them on me, I don't know the scene.

Well, I'm also talking about meeting yourself where you are. Yeah. Like, so what? So you need the sides. Yeah. So? Yes. But it's hard to do.

It's hard to accept like, and you like am i do i have ocd do i have you start judging what you have i've been doing this 20 over 25 years i should be able to wing everything right now yeah and you see actors that have been doing it they can just look at a script once and toss it i've seen that can't not do it I am. Not me. I've heard stories like Sam Jackson just doing whole monologues. Just like, got it. And you're like, oh, why can't I do that? I can't do this.

I can't, I'm not that dude. I gotta spend like two weeks with it and have the whole thing open for, what I do is keep scripts open and leave it there for a month and just kind of open. If it's a movie or whatever, and I just go and then just constantly look at month and just kind of open. If it's a movie or whatever, and I just go and then just constantly look at it

over and over and over. Then I'll be able to write it without even looking and I know what's going on. Dude, I'm not- I love that. You have to accept that that's your system. But that's where that imposter syndrome stuff. And then once you learn it, i can improvise yeah yeah then

i can like have fun but i don't i'm gonna be somebody one time said i think bill william h macy told a buddy of mine he's like when you see actors like taking serious moments a lot of times they're just trying to remember what they're supposed to say that's really good and like i'm not trying to be like and me whether it's stand- or whatever, I just have to accept what my body and brain need to do. I love that about you, Neil. This is good. Thanks.

No, we were brothers. Thanks so much. Well, but it brings us to our next block. Porn. Yeah. You've been open about this as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Was this part of the the this could fall under the masculinity rubric or not it's it's weird uh because of all the problems you know with alcoholism and the religion when i was a little kid probably probably about nine or 10, I fell into my uncle's porn stash. I'll never forget discovering it. Back then it was a stash. It was in a box.

It was a porn stash. And my life changed forever. I mean, there were only a few times when all my problems went away, a couple. One was Carol Burnett and the other was porn. And back then, you had porn in a grocery store. You could literally see Wee, Player, Playboy, they was right there with the milk and cheese

was on the one aisle. And that was just the thing. They were like, and I remember going in to the store to get some stuff and my mother sending me in and I did not leave. And she was like, she came in like, what are you doing?

And I was sitting there with the magazine rack with a Playboy and I just could not move. And then I came up in the era of, you know, first days of cable when Playboy channel, Escapade channel, this kind of thing. Escapade. That's a deep cut. deep you remember that i'm going way back uh and then and then it was so weird because they were all based on you ever jerk off to a scrambled yeah but let me tell you this is the thing about

the scramble i knew how to de-scramble of course you did you you just hold the channel in between and it would come in clear as day. When you're addicted to porn, Terry, you'll find ways around the system. That's what you do. That's what you do. Dude, and it's in the house. Yeah. And it was something I ran to

because, again, I wasn't allowed to do anything else. So when my parents were gone and doing whatever, I would be in there watching porn and um it's funny because my brother and i would be watching together for a while and he'd be like man i'm not doing this anymore i don't need that and i was like you go ahead i'm see you later i need it and you're just watching it you're just transfixed you're not masturbating you're just transfixed you gotta understand i was so young at birth. And my mother being so religious, we never talked about, my mother and father, to this

day, I've never had a talk with my dad about sex. Oh, you sure did. My mother was like, I would say, so what about sex? And she'd be like, don't talk about sex unless you, are you doing it? Are you doing sex? I'm like, no, no, I'm not. I'm not. And I hated to bring it up, right?

Because it was always comes with shame. So I tried to act like I wasn't ever thinking about sex. Cause my mother was like, you're gonna get somebody pregnant. You're gonna, because she ended up pregnant at 16. So it was something we just never talked about in our house. So I never forget the first time I did jack off. I was like, what is going on?

And I had to be around 13, but I had been watching porn and different things since I was eight. So I didn't even know this little gift that kept on giving. Is that what this was about the whole time? I was going, this is a gift that keeps on giving because yeah oh my god and then it was so it's a it's a way to escape yeah and then and then add an orgasm to that it's like the frequent it sex is a frequency that can like is very hypnotizing and oh yeah it arguably the strongest frequent hypnotic frequency on earth, right? Yeah.

And then, so you've used that to escape from a bad place, like where you lived emotionally. Yeah. And then you rely on it for the rest of your... I mean, I didn't even, I was avert, I hadn't even had sex until I went, it was my second year in college. So I was a virgin the whole time through high school.

Because you just didn't, it didn't occur to you because you had so much porn at home. I mean, well, this is the thing. I wasn't allowed to have girlfriends either. Oh, right. That was another thing. Because again, you're going to get somebody pregnant.

So there was a huge, it just became a problem, man. And when I say a problem, I thought getting married was going to end it. I got married the day before my 21st birthday. Me and my wife have been married 34 years. And I thought, oh, man, when I get married, I got a real woman. Now I'll never need porn again. And then we got in an argument, and I was like, I need porn.

And that hit me. I was like, I need porn. And that hit me. I was like, oh, shit. Did you realize immediately, like, uh-oh? Yep. Yep. I mean, immediately. Because we got in an argument, and I was going, and I need porn.

Because, uh-oh. So you had to call your uncle, find a stash? So, okay. Uh-oh. So you had to call your uncle? Yeah. Okay, so then you realize, but that's 20 years before you do anything about it, right? Right. Dude, this is why it's so bad because I would even, and this would really affect me

even as I started playing football and the whole thing. I had this whole secret life where I would keep my porn. You got cuts in two teams for masturbating too much. That's what I heard. No, that never happened. It might be on my Wikipedia, but no, that did not happen. But what did happen is, remember,

I was going through this major imposter syndrome thing when I got my first movie. And I was, my first movie is a big Arnold Schwarzenegger flick, I'm one of the bad guys, it's called Six Day, I'm in Vancouver. It was so bad, the imposter syndrome was so bad that they were like, you know, Terry, you're not gonna shoot for three weeks.

We wanna send you home, we can send you back to LA. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I'll stay. No, I'll stay, it's okay. No, you don weeks we want to send you home we can send you back to la i was like no no no no i'll stay no i'll stay it's okay no you'll never have to send me i'm thinking like they're gonna cut me yeah just like i'm nfl and i stay in the room for three damn weeks when i could have went sudden place vancouver sudden place the sudden place hotel vancouver dude oh Vancouver, dude. Oh my God, you know it. Hey man, crazy. And this was like 1999. This was around the end, early 2000s. And I'm going, and I'm watching all the porn on the set,

the whole thing, dude. And then finally, I tell myself, I'm just going to get a massage to kind of work out the kinks. And I've been working out a lot, you know. But knowing full well, I wanted to try out something. And I went to this massage place and got a hand job.

And I was like, Oh Lord, I officially, I had never went. So you'd never cheated. I had never cheated. And that was the moment I cheated. And I was like,

Oh man, it changed everything. And I knew, I said, I will never ever tell. Like, this is the secret that I'm gonna die with. I just knew, and I felt so horrible. I mean, and my wife was, what's going on? And I'm, uh, uh, uh, you know, and I just knew, I just was praying she didn't see it on me what was it about that day you think that made you i don't know i i i mean just the loneliness being up there the whole time and feeling like i didn't belong because again i i was not an actor i yeah i was like i didn't

know what to do with the crew and the people and they were doing their things i was like uh michael rooker was the guy who actually told me how to act he was like no daddy what you got to do man when i'm standing here you stand over here that's what we're gonna do-si-do in the scene right and i'm going okay okay dude i was scared shitless the whole time thinking they're gonna fire me they're gonna discover that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm an old football player. And I just, every line came out like, you know, it's funny, me and Dave Bautista

talked about this, like the first time we ever acted, it was just like, the line's coming, line's coming. Here's the line, time to say the line. Say the line, hi. And the line's there. That kind of anxiety, that was the whole movie. And how I would unwind was pornography. But I needed more.

And you've got to understand, it's the gift that does not. It's diminishing returns. I have a very gross question. Okay. How many times a day were you masturbating on average oh i don't remember i don't remember but it had to be this is important good yeah man but i i could tell you this i could i was watching from day with day turned into night so it would be like 11 a.m all the way to like 11 p.m was it about the orgasm or was it just about like the trance yeah

a trance you're in a trance you're in a trance it's like you're you're instantly out of body it's like you're nowhere did your wife know that it was an issue before like was it would you go like i'm going to my office i need quiet she called me a couple times yeah and i was like oh no i won't do this you know what is this yeah you know and see but this was a while because i went through the whole changes like you know with cable and then the internet yeah and then see it got easier yeah you don't have to go behind the beaded into the beaded room no you right you don't have to go to a bookstore you don't have to do this stuff and it was just going and because that's what i would do before is like oh man you know feel bad and

go home and you don't have anything in the house you know and then every hotel had something you know and i was like but i hid that for years and then my wife finally finally she was like terry what is it i don't know about you and i got tired and we were arguing a lot i kind of felt like we were going to break up anyway because it became this thing this stuff gets too hard to hide and i felt like you also resent them for because you have to hide it so you resent resentment exactly i was always angry at her at her and she was the problem why won't you let me masturbate 12 hours a day you know what i mean? A square. Just, man, your brain makes up the most wild things, reasons, and justifications for how messed up you are. Okay. And I literally just told her.

I told her I got a hand job in Vancouver. It was like 10 years ago. But for her, it was that moment. And she was like, you're out we're done i was like wade come on no not that way i told you i'm honest yeah she's like dude this is bullshit i'm out and i was like i just lost my family and that was the first time that I realized I did not have control over my life. Like it was, and now, I gotta say this, because a lot of people feel like,

they say, well, pornography addiction is never listed in the list of additions and it's natural and this and that, but it was my issue. I couldn't stop. I wanted to stop. To me, that's a problem you know i know people kids that eat you know paint chips can't stop yeah it's a problem yeah you know it may not be listed right

but if you have the urge to grab that paint chip and eat it all the time that's a problem yeah i don't know what to tell you for me this was this was a problem. And I said, I got to do something about this. And I went to a rehab center for sex addiction, for pornography and all the things where all these famous people went. And this thing, I was very successful. Because what happens is that I would feel guilty and I would do a whole lot of great things to make up for that. You know what I mean? So it's very motivating. Like, let me get myself straight.

No, you know what? I'm not that guy. I'm going to do this. And it was like, I say this, I say underachievement and overachievement, it's like, it comes from the same place. Like, if you're an underachiever, you live under a bridge. But an overachiever lives under a bridge he owns because he's built that thing.

You know what I mean? So now no one can see me. Yeah. You know, but the point is you got to come out of freaking bridge. You got to come out. You got to just be you. And I was never me. I was always an image and this and that.

And then it all fell. Like the image was even to my wife. She didn't even know who I was. You know what mean well that's what i'm wondering it's like how do you do you just have to rebuild the whole relationship after that everything but you're still mostly you i mean like she likes you right she's in love with you there's this other terry that she didn't know anything about it was double life that's what the whole thing is called. It's called a double life. And she liked this life, but this other thing was like,

what are you doing? And I had to be very, very honest about everything. Like I'm talking right to you right now. And it took a while. I mean, to a point where I could now just talk about my own, because now I'm one person. I can talk about these things. But when you're a double, you're like,

oh no, what's gonna be, what am I gonna find out? This is the thing that changed it for me. And it wasn't religion or anything like that. It's what I found out what it did. Like, it changed the way I saw people. did like it changed the way i saw people it it literally people became objects as opposed to actual real people um and i didn't like that men and women everybody just just because the nature of porn is not how you know how are you feeling it's it's it's body parts. It's this. It's engine, pistons, boom, damn,

it's all about... I don't know what kind of porn you're watching. Engines and pistons. God bless. I'm just saying, it's a lot of stuff. You know what I mean? But the thing is that I didn't like... It changed me.

And I didn't care about people. I'm curious how it affected your take on men. Whether they even about men, it's about everybody. It was just like people were meant to, were there to be used. It was like everyone was like a sex vehicle. See, this is the thing. Point has nothing to do with sex. It was like everyone was like a sex vehicle of some kind. But see, this is the thing.

Porn has nothing to do with sex. It's about power. You know what I mean? It's power. It's the fact that I can get you to do anything. When I say this, I remember going to a strip club as a football player with the guys. I remember going to the club. And the girl's on the stage and the whole thing,

and she comes down, and she starts to talk about her kids and bills. It's like, stop, stop, stop. Yeah. Because she's becoming human right before your eyes. Yeah. To whisper her real name to you. No, you're Candy, right?

Yes, keep it Portia it's like oh my god what helen stop human woman names human i need brands but it's not but he's not gucci get back on stage and become a doll become a picture, become that. And that is what I didn't like about who I was becoming. But you could feel that way about anybody. Like, man, you're stupid. You could talk to people and feel like they're just idiots, and you're the smart one. I'm the guy who knows.

I have the power. Fame's not great for that either but no it's not that i gotta be honest hey not not the best not the greatest humanizer i'm just trying to people engaging with a famous person the same place a lot this stuff this power stuff again what what the the agent came up to me and did that thing to me. That's the same shit. Yeah. Same stuff. He was powerful.

Yeah. I can do this. You shut the fuck up. Yep. And do what I say. Yeah. Hey, man. I was starting to turn that way.

Like, in my mind, I was feeling that way about people. And I was like, I don't know. No, I don't want to be that. But when you have a double life, you turn into that guy, and then you try to turn him off when it's convenient. But that's the stuff I learned in therapy, and I had never been to therapy because in where I grew up. It was illegal for black men to go to therapy until 2015.

Oh, very, very illegal. We finally got that overturned they say you can't cure crazy that was a method real time right yeah that's some yeah so you saw it it was a way just to escape that's it now that you're done escaping largely what have you had to or what have you chosen to settle into well my actual feelings like i couldn't be sad you because wait man how you doing man i'm good i'm good how you doing crushing it you do this you know how to just say that how you doing man no i'm good what what yeah why you want to know yeah it's literally defensive like, oh, hey, you saying something's wrong with me? Yeah.

Now it's like, man, if I'm sad, I'm sad. Mm-hmm. I don't feel good right now. Yeah. I'm honest about where I'm at. I'm honest about what I don't like. Whereas before, it was like, no, I like that. It's cool.

Again, boundaries. Yeah. Boundaries, dude. school again boundaries yeah boundaries do like and accepting yourself accepting yourself for like yep i gotta memorize i'm gonna feel sad yep no i'm i'm a i'm a bitch who likes to draw yep and with a learning disability and i got a learning disability of course my wife just diagnosed me um and yeah but it is it is a lot of a lot of life is escape uh pretending to be the the regular thing i i know why people smoked crap i know why people got drunk i mean i know why my dad did it it was just bad it helped me understand me going through my own thing

helped me understand why he escaped you know what i mean i'll be honest i haven't rolled crack out yeah i'm not it hasn't come my way it'll come when it's time um it's not if i get a terminal illness diagnosis and someone goes crack i'll be like i i right this way like what do i care what are we holding out for oh my god i want to feel it were you horny or were you horny for getting out of your existence right it had nothing to do with being horny it was just about escaping and it was you know and and it and you know what, one thing that I used to say, I got a high sex drive as a, as a man. Yeah.

You gotta give yourself some props on that. Like, yeah, you know, I'm just a little more manly than the other man. You know how it is, baby. Right. Yeah. Played that game. Yeah. When, you know, actual porn is really not very manly at all. I mean, it's just.

What do you mean, trapping women and paying them $900 to give them UTIs? I think that's the most masculine thing a man can do. Dude, when you start. I mean, that was the thing. When I started discovering just what it really is and what it does. Now, again, I don't think anything should be outlawed. I'm not a guy who's saying, okay, ban this, ban that. I'll tell you that right now.

But I just think that you just need to tell people what it could do. Porn will never tell you about itself. Like, I mean, I get texts now of porn. You know, people, I never texted my 18-year-old son. It's people like, hey, good time tonight? I'm like, I don't know this person. My wife is like, who's texting you a good time tonight? I'm like, I don't know.

I'm getting spammed porn. Because they know that if you get the look and you want to look, and then people just get into it and they're hoping. First of all, I don't know any person who discovered porn at 18. Right. It's always when they get you as a kid because the whole point is to get you hooked. It's like, oh. It's just demand.

You give the crack away. Yes. And it sells itself. Correct. That's the point I'm trying to make. It's just a little bit like tell everybody what it's doing okay the contrarian in me says if you i discovered porn at the same third whatever 12 13 i'm just like a masturbate once that's good right so

is my relationship healthy is there such a thing as having a healthy relationship with it or is the whole thing like condemnable i think that has a lot to do with you i think that you are healthy if that's the case i know people listen i know people have a drink and they're fine yeah but then the other, it ruins their lives. Yeah. But do I think there should be no alcohol? No. I think it's up to the person.

But for my personality, for who I am, it's not a good look. Yeah. It just doesn't work. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I know a lot of people who are not. See, this was the opening. This is the eye opener.

Because I thought everybody was. And I thought everybody lot of people who are not. See, this was the opening. This is the eye opener. Because I thought everybody was. And I thought everybody had a double eye. Yeah. And I thought they were like, no, I don't do that. And I'm like, oh. I think a good barometer that a friend is watching too much porn is when they know their names. Just when they're like, you see Jillian Michelson? You're like, i just i go on it's some lady some lady some i don't know like famous in your house specific actor what see this is

another thing i it's funny because people say well me and my girl it's all good and we do it together and i totally get it but if she said i don't want to do that anymore now all of a sudden it's like what was that but you'll find out if you have a problem if she says yeah no more yeah uh but we used to do that and i know people who broke up because they like you don't want to do that no more and i need it so yeah you know it starts to you start to understand which is the who's the boss here how was the sitting with your feelings how did that go oh at first i got a crazy story man um i'll never forget this is the first time out of the whole therapy stuff. I'm watching Lean On Me with Morgan Freeman. And he's kicking those kids out,

the bad kids that are messing up with the other kids. He kicks them all out of school. He's like, you've all been expurgated. And the whole thing. You are all expurgated. I start crying. And I can't stop crying. Neil,

I can't, I cry for two hours. Do you know why? I don't. I kind of have examined because I felt, oh, years later, I kind of examined like, this man was taking care of the kids that really wanted to learn.

And it reminded me of what I was going through and the gangs and the people. And he locked the doors and he wouldn't let the gang members come and attack the kids. And they were singing the nice songs and fair east side high and everything. And I couldn't stop crying. Neil, I cried. And my wife came in and I was. And I couldn't stop crying. Neil, I cried. And my wife came in and I was like, I can't stop. I don't know why, but I can't stop. And she was just like, I've never seen you cry.

She was literally like, you know, and my wife had a miscarriage and I didn't cry. And she was like, you're crying now? And she knew something was different like something's changing yeah you know what i mean and that was so deep and it's we're just deeper than we think like how did you stop did you just block it on your phone and your there's oh it was all kind of techniques i mean i just became very very honest uh gave passwords to my whole family uh my wife knew she could grab my phone at any time she could look at my you never erase the history you know stuff like that and that that works for the beginning just to get then after a while you have a new system of living and then it

feels clean and you this is a great thing about, this is one thing that I've learned is that all right acts are cumulative, cumulative, meaning it's compounds. One, like if you stop smoking, your lungs get cleaner than they did, get faster than the time it took you to get really filthy and bad. You know what I mean?

Your lungs are already like, all right, okay, just give us a break. And all of a sudden, you'll pretty much be back to health very quickly and a quicker time than it took you to get messed up. I think everything is like that. You know what I mean? But bad things, they accumulate as well.

You know what I mean? So- It's, the body wants to repeat shit. Yeah. And if you just stop bad actions and, and this is another thing is that I learned willpower doesn't work. You have to replace it with stuff.

So this is how I became Mr. Do a lot of good stuff. Like I became very, very active as an actor. I started hosting. I started doing, I mean, when I quit porn, my career went pow. You could almost see where, Terry does everything. I'm Terry Crews. Welcome back to me not masturbating.

That's a great theme for a game show. That's all of your jobs. Terry Crews not masturbating that's a this round that's a great theme that's a great theme for all of your jobs terry crews not man i always say rob you know why robert downey jr is so good you're watching a man not do cocaine yes he's he plays iron man what he's really playing is robert downey jr not doing cocaine dude and it makes you good yeah you get focused dude i had four or five jobs i was creating stuff i was whittling on the side i was i was making y'all i was doing all kind of crocheting and working and painting and acting and hosting yeah and i was like okay that's that's one day they were i'm. It blew my mind. Yeah.

But I was also wasting a lot of time. I mean, when you think, you know, all of a sudden you get something started and two, three hours of porn and then I'll finish that later. I was writing. I got movies I wrote, shows I wrote. I was just, it's, and I said, I like it here. I like it here. I feel productive, I'm doing good things,

and it's good stuff, and I don't feel guilty. What year was that? Oh my God, this was back in, my wife and I, it was 2010. Great. Number four, block perfectionism yeah in what way i think it's the flip side of the imposter stuff where now you have to be absolutely perfect and i would be self-punishing if something came out a little less like you mentioned like you just tried you know trying that joke or whatever or doing that show and it didn't

yeah it was good yeah that would bug the mess i mean where the fact is i would bomb an audition and do it two hours in the car yeah all alone like you know you could have done it two hours in the car all alone. Like, you know, you could have done it two hours before. Yeah. Right. But I usually had. Ah. And still was. So what was it? I mean, just nerves. Yeah.

It was something I remember. I did this audition for this show, and they told me it was my job to lose. That was the worst setup ever. Say no more. Oh, my hands were, I had the sides of my hands, and it was the worst setup say no more oh my hands were i had the sides of my hands and it was just okay so while i was doing all this shit i'm going so and i'm going to and you just watch i'm watching their faces just go oh and it's i'm bombing bombing and

and that's another thing that helped me become unembarrassable. Because perfectionism is against that. Like, you're always embarrassed. Yeah. Always. Like, you constantly, like, I have to look like this. And this is another thing, too. Even with fitness and stuff like that, you're like, oh, my God, I don't see my abs anymore.

Anything you eat, you're like, oh, no, I don't see my abs anymore. Anything you eat, you're like, oh no, I shouldn't eat that. And it's just, it's exhausting. And you can easily slip into, but now I've learned, man, it's pie time, have your pie. It's, you did the workout, it's good, man. It's consistency, it's not one one giant like you can't brush your teeth one great time and leave them alone for the rest of the year it's every day yeah twice a day

you know i mean and and relax and everything else take care of itself but i didn't know that i was a perfectionist and meaning also and this is the worst thing about perfectionism is that i notice what's wrong with everybody else yeah that's the real problem and then you get upset at everybody else yeah and that affects your mood dude in a negative way and it's like it's none of your business yeah you can just get caught and it's also there's a religious aspect to it yes like they're not you don't say they're sinners but in your mind you're like these fucking sinners yes these sloppy lazy unprepared sinners i'm prepared i'm ready and these motherfuckers are goofing around. They're on a comedy.

And they're like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'm like, we on? Can we? And man, it's not the atmosphere to give in a comedy. It's not going to make people free. No, not at all.

I was like, oh my God. You can't bring this here you know what i mean um and there were a couple times when it did backfire because you feel like you know you just feel too on everybody you know what i mean and it was and it backfired i mean there's some i lost some friends because of it you know i mean just because it's just just this me no me always mentioning things that they're doing. Well, you had to, Terry. Yeah.

You didn't want to not give them enough period to grow. This brings me to this podcast. Well, no, but that's what you end up, yeah, you end up being, perfectionism comes down to extremely negative self-talk yeah yeah and you because you if you make a mistake there's going to be hell to pay i also find in my case i am react to criticism very poorly because i'm already maxed out yeah internally and then like i'm barely surviving based on my inner monologue and then somebody else says something and it tips the whole thing all over i mean first of all the the the word is ruminate uh oh i know the word that's oh i know

the word and i looked it up and did i if you look if you want to look at my youtube history terry it's a rumination rumination how to stop rumination i believe it was last wednesday probably watched 10 videos about it wow here's the bad news nobody's got a good idea no no one has yeah dude i i'll never forget man i messed up on a question i was asking a question to somebody on a live show or whatever. And I totally goofed it up and I could not get it out of my head for days, days. And it was like, dude, you, no one cares. And that's another thing too. And it kind of helped me to deal with some, some of that stuff because I had to remember that people are not looking at you when they're watching shows or TV.

They're thinking about what they got to eat tonight. They're thinking about what – getting people's attention is the hardest thing ever. Like they'll say they're watching you. It's on. They're like – Yeah. They're going through the motions, man. It's not even – they'll tell you, going through the motions man it's not even they're

like they'll tell you oh yeah it was great and they really mean it and you're like but i fucked up like all day that was terrible but they're not really and that helped me to deal with some of the rumination but when i really mess up and i'm going oh man I had, it was to the point where I was like, I put myself in jail every day. I had to just really go through and just talk this stuff out. And that's where I sat with my emotions and the whole thing. But that comes from perfectionism.

That's where all that's said to say that's a block, dude. Yeah. Big time. Yeah, and it's, yeah,'s it's and it's got so many tentacles about where it's from and perfection and godliness and yeah especially coming up in that religious stuff but i learned and that's where i had to learn be unembarrassable go ahead you know what yeah you got a stain on your pants no one cares it's okay yeah you know what? Yeah. You got a stain on your pants. No one cares.

It's okay. Yeah. You know what? Yep. You farted. Yep. It's all right. That kind of thing. Farts.

Yeah. A lot of farts. Lots of it. That's a protein powder. Welcome back to farts with Terry Crews. Narcissism. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You've got a lot of contradictory ones on here but but but we contain multitudes yeah what how when did you admit it and how i i have a joke it's not really a joke but observation about narcissism is when you deal with narcissists, they have the disease, you have the side effects. So like, I don't think any narcissist ever regrets it. And I don't think they learn, and I don't think they change. Yeah, yeah, I think you're right. So congratulations. Yeah, now, I am definitely, my wife, along with the learning disability,

she's like, you are a freaking narcissist. And I go, but help me. Like, how can I? What should I be into? How can I not be this amazing? How can I not be so wonderful? Yes. Okay, I'm sure I'm just like you.

And she's like, what the, what do you mean by that, motherfucker? Yeah. But this is the thing. It's so, because this is the one thing that i i know i have done there's some things that i've done where i'm like holy shit that's good that's good that's funny that's amazing like even my artwork i remember like i'll go in my life and show my work because i know it's good and you know it's the best and you know you can get eight grand for it and you know these players are gonna want it that's kind

of it's a narcissistic feeling like where you walk in and you know wait a minute wait a minute i'm the shit right now like we're doing is right you know uh and it's a point where this is where this is hollywood is built for narcissists yeah you know i mean i'm i'm gonna expand that to the world go ahead it's built for narcissists yeah yeah it's and it's like love charisma oh it's the maybe a more powerful currency than money. It's so powerful. Dude, I'll never forget. When you get on a movie and that camera's on you and you got everybody who's ever looking at that movie at that time ad infinitum throughout eternity, they're yours.

Even after you're dead and gone and you are saying these lines and you got this joke or whatever and it's a power it's intoxicating it's very very good and it feels like and then when you do it right and not only you do it right

people are reacting and laughing or reacting and going whoa and they'll tell you like you know you did that yeah like i'll never forget i remember i was somewhere and i was like yeah you know you try to play it down no man you know you did that i was like yeah i know i know but the narcissism thing i was so wild because i took a personality test and this is when the first time it hit me and it it was, are you a narcissist? And I filled out all the questions

and it came back with a yes. Like you are a card carrying narcissist. And I was like, and I walked out with my wife and kids all in the kitchen. I was like, this test says I'm a narcissist. They were like, duh, holy cow, yeah. And I, and everything played back to me later on.

Like everything was in my view. Everything is from my perspective. Like I remember just talking ad infinitum to my kids about the experience I had on a film and everything. And I'm like, oh oh you guys were just being nice about yeah dad you were talking about yourself the whole time yeah oh i thought you were interested or i was trying to entertain you i don't know but that's the the problem look i don't i suffer from narcissism and I suffer from narcissists.

So I can't. Buddy of mine says it's like having Tourette's. You just have to know you have it and try to work to not hurt people. Yeah. Yeah. With it. That's it. I could easily be.

I mean, a perfect example of a narcissist is just anytime i would beat somebody up that time you know when i felt slighted and could punch people and and feel justified that's straight up like yo man what are you putting hands on people, dude. Yeah. No. But that was the thing I had to get a hold of. But there's so many ways where I look back at the lack of control that I had. And it made up in it. And then what narcissism gave me was a sense of control. You see what I mean? Meaning when I, as a kid, I'm like, oh my God. And then what narcissism gave me was a sense of control. You see what I mean? Meaning when I, as a kid, I'm like, oh my God,

I'm helpless in this situation. And then when I was an artist or when I was this or whatever, and I had some sort of like, this is my power, this is what I have, you know? And then you start to lean too far and go into it too much but it's it's an issue man it's an overcompensation for for low self-esteem it's which fine most things are yeah but i still don't really know how because even you talk about like i saw everything from my point of view we're all seeing it from our point of view when people go that person has main character syndrome what character should they think they are they wake up as themselves

like it's all through so it's we're all supposed to be negotiating all the time yeah sometimes you you get too much charisma makes people give you more than normal or you start to believe i'm sure there are moments where you that terry cruz is the shit yeah and sometimes you think terry cruz is shit and sometimes you're the shit but see but this now this is what's so amazing and i'm glad you brought that up because i learned this is a problem it is when it's never being just in the middle, because in the middle is humanity. You are either lower than everybody, which is all the other problems,

or you're better than everybody, which is another problem, which is narcissism and the whole thing, or the whole imposter syndrome. But in the middle is where humanity is. You know what I mean? It's just human. And that's the issue. But it's not as high.

You don't get the juice. No, not at all. Not at all, no. Because this thing, being higher, this is the thing when I was in the NFL, this is the way players thought. When I'm winning, I'm better than everybody. And this is when you could do anything,

and this is when players go out, but when you're losing or you're getting cut, you're now worse than everybody. Yeah. And I knew a lot of guys that killed themselves, straight up, put a bullet in their brain. And this is what people don't understand how in entertainment, these guys got everything, how can they just kill themselves? But it's that, it's literally, I was,

I'm either better than you or I'm worse. You're playing a stock market that you kind of can't control. It's I'm either better, but I'm not you, I'm not human. I'm not, I'm either better but i'm not you i'm not human i'm not i'm either better or worse and that is a part and that's what i constantly constantly have to remember be human man be human you're not better you're not worse it's a really good perspective change yeah but it's you know that it's hard you know that there's a lot of adrenaline. There's positive, there's benefits to not being human.

Yeah. Unfortunately. Especially when you're competing. It's narcotic. Especially when you're competing. Right. Because that's where I had to get rid of. To me, I think being competitive is the opposite of being creative.

Now, all problems for me stem from trying to compete with other people. Every issue, I mean, I'm fine with what I have until I see what you've got. You got what? Isn't it amazing how you are perfectly fine with whatever you have until you know it's the same person doing the same thing you're doing

and they got way more than you. You know, how did that happen? Your giant pile of money isn't good enough or there's somebody who's doing the same thing you're doing and they got nothing and you're like that's because i'm magic yeah you see what i mean i'm just horny and like you said it has nothing to do with that like you just brought up that whole thing about the casting thing. You just got picked because you look like you look the part. Yeah. It was all good.

Yeah. It's easier to, it's just you do a lot of, your body and head does most of the work that I, that writing didn't. This is better than therapy, man. This is good stuff. At least it's talking it out. All right. Well, what are the things that you've done to improve your these

problems wow um tons and tons of reading tons and tons of asking the people closest in my life to keep me real to keep me on board um again my wife my, my family, I go to my kids. How old are your kids? Oh, they're old. My oldest is 36, 36, 32, 25, 20, 18, and four girls and the youngest is a boy. And we get together and I let them go at me. Like, I was like, go ahead, just make it hurt.

Well, Dad, first of all, and they just go in and it's cleansing. It's a perspective build. You specifically do this? Yeah. First of all, just tell me if you have any issues with what I'm doing, anything bug you, what am I saying, just talk to me. And I do this.

And it's really, really good. Because the big thing is I'm paying for everything you do. So that's the other side where you can easily just walk in like, I am your whole world. So, you know, so, but it's a perspective change when you're like, yeah, but what do you, what do you, who are you really? Yeah. And my wife never, ever sugarcoats ever. She's learned never to do that with me because again, with a narcissist, I could take that and run, you know what I mean?

Um, and so it's just like, no, this is, and it keeps me really, really on run, you know what I mean? And so it's just like, no, this is, and it keeps me really, really on tap, you know? And I don't know what else to say. It's just really having good friends. I don't have a posse or crew. Right, right, 12 step rehabs. 12 step the whole way. First of all, even with the pornography addiction,

12 steps works for everything. Yeah. It's so beautiful. I mean, the first thing you admit, you're powerless. You know, I was that. And then you go on down the steps. And then you got to help other people at the end, which is one reason why I share a lot of this stuff. Like, again, that might not be your problem,

but somebody out there, they're always like, dude, that is, and it feels good because you never feel alone. And so it's always about helping other people. And one thing is just being really brutally honest about who you are. And I have gone over, I think I've gone, I've overshared definitely a lot of ways,

but I like it. Not today, kidding. I'm in the public eye. I would never recommend that people do this because it's really painful if you're not used to it. Well, yeah, I've had friends be like, I tried talking about this thing on that show and everybody acted like I was crazy.

It's like, dude dude you gotta pick yeah someplace or not yeah see spot you as a comedian comedians are really really special first of all you guys are the only guys that can talk about anything right now yeah which is so i mean but even that's within reason i mean it's it can't just be like it's style dude your fetus joke sure yeah yeah yeah yeah amazing we don't like we don't yeah you're the only ones that can say anything about anything you know what i mean i was like oh no that's how liberal are you i'm cracking when people act like uh comedians are under attack it's like say any of this at work any job on earth but this job you're fired that's so we're not under attack that's what i'm dude you get to say so much

yeah i'm going it's it's really refreshing i'm glad that comedians exist yeah because it is therapy it's therapy for everybody you're the only way we can look at ourselves now you know what i mean we're heroes i truly think that i really do well i yeah it's all it's all the same issues um just acting out in a different way um and so you you you also seem pretty open minded about like all right i'll try it yeah i because i don't know first of all i i there are things that i was like i will never do that and i turn around listen me hosting agt was something i was like hell no what i'll never do that and turn around and it's my dream job and i love every second of it.

That's what's so amazing. First of all, I'm not an actor. I didn't come to LA to act. I came here to draw. Came here to draw, yeah. And I just tried it. And all of a sudden, it's my career. And I was doing all,

and people are like, dude, you're in this movie. And I'm going, I have a star on the Walk of Fame right now. And I'm like, and that was real weird. Cause I was like, I don't deserve to be here. But they're giving it to me. So that was really wild.

Let me just get the star real quick. There's somebody sleeping on it right now. You know what I mean? Yes. God bless. But my thing is, is that, oh my God, I don't get to call that. I don't get to call what people like. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't get to call that i don't get to call what people like yeah you know i mean i don't get to say what's going to work i just have to try it and do what i like and all of a sudden

i just i'm very thankful that certain things work but they might not in a minute you know i mean you don't know but i usually just do it because i love what I'm doing. Yeah, you're open to it. What is your dream for yourself? My dream for myself. First of all, I would say, this is a wild dream. It's not typically dramatic or whatever. I want my wife to outlive me. And I want her to be like he was an amazing man.

I want her admiration i want because i look at her so with so much esteem and so much like i'm in awe of what such a good person she is now she ain't perfect but she's just a good woman like man and to me when i die and just she's going on i want her to be able to be like that man loved me for real that's my dream like i don't care what anybody else said even the kids would be like yeah he's kind of a punk but i'll tell my kids right now i'm like your job never take care of your mama. It's my job. You'll never have to worry about your mother. I am one of them.

You worry about your wife and your kids or whatever, your family or whoever else you got. But my job is your mom. And if I make her be like, he was the best, that's all I want. And you think by doing that, all of your personal dreams will come true? Absolutely.

Yeah. Absolutely. Like that's, everything fits under that. And it just goes. Well, based on what I know about women, best of luck with that. I'll tell you right right now she ain't happy at the moment she's like

let me tell you i know but she's always like you're getting better she says this a lot yeah you're not as bad as you were yeah but you're getting better so i think on my deathbed did i get there baby did i do it am i dying good baby she might leave me hanging too um dude it was so fun talking to you thank you neil thank you so much my man terry cruz everybody the book is tough my journey to true power Everybody wants to have it, wants to have it real, my man All you have to do is open, open up your hand, my man