Boonta Vista - EPISODE 322: Don't Hawk To Me Until I've Had My Morning Coffee (with James Colley)

Episode Date: November 19, 2023

Comedian and author James Colley joins us for: Blackface skirmishes in the Netherlands, an extraordinary hawk visitation, and a look around America in Blotter Watch. *** Pre-order The Next Big Thing here: https://www.booktopia.com.au/the-next-big-thing-james-colley/book/9780645757910.html *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Merchandise: shop.boontavista.com/ Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista

Hello and welcome to be crazy. Hello and welcome to Buentevista, episode 322. I am Ben and I am here, a little ways outside Fort Stuxxin, Texas by the side of Interstate 10 at the Iron Rand Memorial All-American Freedom Three-Way Combination, Free Speech Zone and Gas Station. It's a beautiful day as patriotic families taking the delights of a zoo that fully encompasses the values of self-determination, personal responsibility, and 100% unregulated commerce between individuals. With me, rolling coal in a Ford F-350 while driving 120 miles per hour through the rhinoceros

enclosure with a BAC of 0.25, it's Lucy. Hi, hi. What a great day for me. Just, I don't, these fucking soy leftist cucks going to regular zoos. Uh-huh. They just wouldn't know how good it is to have 20 beers. They don't know what it feels like to drink drive. No. And then... Have you even drunk-driven before left us? Yeah, try it once and you'll start voting Republican like a hundred percent. You're swapping out those yard signs because you felt the freedom of closing your eyes for a little bit. You just feeling the curve of the road. You can have a little sleep while you drive. Yes. Yeah. You can just close

your eyes for a little bit. They've got it. They basically drive themselves these days, you know. That's right. And you'll probably be fine if you hit one of those rhinos. Like your car is huge. My car is bigger than a rhino. Yes. And I use it only to pick up my children from school. Yeah, that's right. Which is two blocks away. Mm-hmm. That's right. You're also drunk when thrown tho. to their. their. their. their. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. throwne. throwne. throwne. throwne. thi. thi. thi. throwne. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, having paid one of the zookeepers a clean hundo to allow him to enter the baboon enclosure and give the entire troop a shopping bag full of loose unfilte cigarettes and a monster energy each. It's Theo. Hi Theo. Hey, how you're going. Oh I'm good and having a good time in here with the fellas and the ladies. Oh my god. You guys are vibing. I can just see that. The energy in there is unreal. And they're enjoying the toasted flavor of American tobacco. That's right. Do you reckon if we dropped the combination Ironi Center five ways, intersect and free-range

zoo? I don't want to interrupt you there. Please. Give us the official name as God wrote it on the table. So now I don't know if what you've done is you have retroactively believed that I have named the zoo after your Twitter handle or if you have had that Twitter handle? You did. You believed that the philosopher's name was In Randy. No, I just, I just think that she's a sexual figure. Yeah, if I bite. She's a very horny woman.

That is true. If you can tell from reading some of her writings. Yeah, but do you think if we took the Iran Center for Baboon Excellence, Rolling Cold, Live Monster Truck exhibit, and like just dropped it back like 2,000 years, just in isolation. Would it be like their garden of Alexandrina? Would it just be like something that they worship in a way, like as a as a cultural men here? The Garden of Alexandrina? I don't know what the fuck it is. The Babylon thing? Where are the books? Where do they keep the books? I don't want the told of this to be that people do a little bit of light improv in that that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they just they're just they're just they're just thi thi thi thi they're they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th of th of the the the the the the tho tho try try try thoooooo' thooo' thee just just just just just just the just the the the it is, the Babylon thing, where are the books? Yeah, okay. I don't want the tone of this to be that people do a little bit of light improv and then

immediately persecuted for every decision that they make. Just really, no, I think that's beautiful. And you have the third person to bully. To answer your query. I think it would be. I think that they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would they would would would they would would look they would look they would look that that that that that that that it would be. I think they would look at it as a sort of library of Alexandria, a hanging gardens of Babylon. There you go. I'm so tired, Ben. You have to understand. Yeah. Well, I'm tired too. I had to work a dog event at a bar yesterday and you only had to parent children. So who's the really put-upon person? Also with me, having paid 25% higher admission of having a mixed family and now enjoying

an objective philosophical debate with staff... Sorry, I'm just reading what I've written down here. Uh, now enjoying an objective philosophical debate with staff about whether it was self-defense for him to preemptively airhole the triafs with the giraffes with the thir Sorry, I'm just reading what I've written down here. Now enjoying an objective philosophical debate with staff about whether it was self-defense for him to preemptively airhole one of the giraffes with a Barrett M-107-50-cali, a thiolive rifle that's part of his everyday carry out. It's comedian TV person, an author, James Colley. Hi James, how are you? I'm going to just make a note to not tell- I'm on this show. Oh yeah, no, don't make it.

And we're hanging out in, I think, under a week. Well, I don't know. We haven't picked a day yet, but we'll. I'm a big fan of this zoo. I am here specifically misgendering the tapirs. And they know, too, they can tell. I also th can feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel the idea. I the idea. I the idea. I the idea. I the idea. I'm just the idea. I'm just the idea. I was just wondering if there is a, there's room in this world for I and Randy Newman, a Randy Newman that strictly sings songs about like selfish. Yeah.

You strictly do not have a friend in me. You're on your own. Short people got only the productivity that they've got reason to live. I am, I'm going to say a year and a half long phase as a teen of being an enormous iron fan. Randy Newman and an iron fan as we call ourselves. No, I had come on. What? Yeah, I, well, because I don't know how this, you know how sometimes people, they sort of read or they watch a satirical

work and they don't get the satirical elements of it? Oh you played Bioshock and thought this is cool as fuck. Legitimately that is what happened. I played Bioshock and I was like, well, I played Bioshawk. And I was like, well, that's true. You don't have to help anyone ever. That's that's that's that's that's, that's, thia. That's, th. That's, th. thi. th. thi. thi. th. thi. th. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. I. I. thi. thi. thi. tho. thoooooooo. thooooooo. I's, thoooooo. I's, thooo. I's, the. I's, the. Yeah, and then I read Atlas Shrug and I was like, wow, and that's true, you don't have to help anyone ever. That's such a good point. That's so true. Because you didn't ask to be born, we don't live in a society. Is that what it's about? Yeah. Oh, cool. Oh, that's fucking awesome. You didn't choose any responsibilities. And the people that want stuff for you. Yeah, another one of her things is that like the idea of giving gifts is inherently bad because a gift is better the more personal sacrifice it has for you,

so like a more expensive gift is a better gift, which means that it's inherently evil. That's a mug's game for, yeah. Giving gifts, right. She didn't know means that it's inherently evil. That's a mugs game for me. Giving gifts, right? I know we did- Thoughtful handmade gifts. We did promise to get to the big issues immediately on this show though. If we can, if we can, if we can, I'm keen to get going. We're already there.

Tubbs much? Yeah, Tubbs much? Yeah, tubs off tape. Okay, so people won't know listening this, but I've gained like five kilos. It's been a stressful couple of months. All right, can the episode, we're done. How are you? The man is surrounded by enormous green tubs. Did you rent these?

Is this a service where you hire tub? This comes from the movers that are currently moving. This is the new environmentally friendly way to move, which is they give you boxes that simply cannot actually fit anything that you actually need to move, and then you spend the rest of your life filling it with all the garbage in the world. So that's why I'm surrounded by a series of tubs.

The other glass files and things, they're just my own paraphernalia. They're nothing to do with the move. I just have certain specimens that I am keeping cool in this room. I didn't know that moving technology had changed. I thought cardboard was fine, right? Yeah. We put that in the recycling bin. Oh, you've been using cardboard.

I I I I I I put out in the recycling bin. Oh, you've been using cardboard. I've just been putting in plastic and then throwing that plastic in the ocean. I think that's fine. Yeah, that's what we support here at this zoo, specifically. If you see a hermit crab in a couple of months dragging one of these tubs to Bondi Beach, that's what's happened. And they love it, that's his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his his home. Craig is the King of the Sea now. Well, that's an update on what's happening in the room James Colley is in, but what

about an update on a lot of small things that are happening around the entirety of America? It's time for Blotter Watch. So this is a collection of stories taken from police splotters around America from like the last fortnight. Here we go. November 6th, a caller reported at 3.11 p.m. that about an hour earlier he saw a man in his backyard whom he described as well-dressed in a blue shirt. At that time, police checked the area and were unable to locate any suspects. Oh, okay. You're a visit from the porcelain man. Well, that, that, that, that's th- th- th- th- th-it-it-it-it-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like the last the last the-like-like-like-like-like-like-like-like the last last last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the last the the the the the the the the the the the the tho-fo-fo-fo-fo-fo'-fo'-fo'-fo'-no'-fo'-fo'-sa-fo'-s'-s'-fo'-s'-s'-s'-s'-s'-s'-s'-s'-s. tho'- police checked the area and were unable to locate any suspects. Oh. You're a visit from the porcelain man.

That sounds like you did. Wait one hot second because then at 5.16 p.m. The resident reported that the quote nicely dressed man who was there earlier had returned to his woods. Pardon? Bigfoot got a job. Well. He wanted the unknown man checked out because the woods were part of his property.

You can't just have a- That guy's in my woods, you can't be in my woods, bro. There's a guy in like business clothes in my woods. Just wandering my woods? There was also, um, I did find an actual porcelain man story this week about a woman who was away on holiday and checked her ring camera and there was just like a guy had tried to get into her house and she caught her on the ring camera and she caught her on the ring camera and he couldn't get in but he couldn't get in. So now she knew about it but couldn't do anything about it, which is a classic porcelain

man situation. If you didn't have the the the the come home from holiday and wouldn't thought anything was a mess because nothing was. You wouldn't think about your woods. I'm not thinking about what's going on in my woods. Like, that's probably just doing his taxes out there or something. Yeah. It's fine. We'll be running an accounting business. Just let him be big. concern. That's right. November 8th a caller said his neighbor quote went crazy and broke the mirror off of his truck. He noted that his neighbor

belief people were messing with his truck and took it out on the callers vehicle. Sounds super sane. Yeah. So this is two bits of truck violence though. His truck has been messed with and now he's taking revenge on other trucks. Rex Tallionis, that's right. Yeah, a mirror for a mirror leaves the whole world's blind spots on... The real shame is he should be reflecting on his behavior, but he simply cannot having destroyed all the mirrors. You have a sting for this, right? For jokes that I think would reach the threshold for the comedian of the week, yeah, theoretically there is one. Very early on though, we don't want to hit that button too early.

No, sometimes you want to just wait and sort of let it get, it feels better. Yeah, you like, sort of build up, you mean? Yeah, but don't, yeah, like, sort of get close to do it. Yeah, like, you don't have to get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. to, th. th. th. to, th. th. to, to, to, to, th. th. th. th. that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the. the. the. the. the. that release. Maybe like for days, maybe for like multiple episodes where they would think that we're going to play it. And they're like, why won't you, why won't you press the button? Why won't you make it happen? We won't. You've been waiting for six years to come on this podcast, I think.

A call said that, quote, the Hulk was trespassing on the property and would like him removed. Quote, the Hulk left before police arrived. I don't know that he did. I don't know that he was there. Well, yeah, certainly it's not there when they got there. So his story checks out. Is he a nickname for like a local character? Oh, fuck, it's the Hulk. Like every town's got the Hulk. Yeah, just like a the the the thi around having encounters. You're one day off retirement you get one call with at the end of

the night, ah shit the Hulk's out. Oh fuck sake. Another Hulk. We lose another man to the Hulk. Are we talking to Ang Lee Hulk or are we talking? What the other... I don't know which one was the bad one and which one was the good one? We got the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th the th th the th the the the the the th th. You're thoosososos. You thoososos. You're that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thoos. You one thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes thoes th. You you th. You you th. We're th. You th. You th. You th. You're thoes thoes thoes thoes. You're thooes. We're thooooooooooooooooo o' the thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooes. You're the other... I don't know which one was the bad one and which one was the good one. We got the Rouss, you got the Ang Lee, you got the whoever directed the Edward Norton one. Oh, there was an Edward Norton. Edward Norton should not be in... It's a poor choice. Norton should be in dry, miserable dramas. Yes, or sort of Wes Anderson style twee comedies.

It was funny to me to be annoyed in a kind of Ed Norton way about becoming the Hulk. Yeah. So it's real like half cigarette he's like, oh so what? I'm going to be the Hulk now. I'm going to be the Hulk. I'm fucking sick of being the Hulk. Now, this one's a two for all right, so this is two in a row that are worth paying attention to here.

November 9th, 1028 a.m. a man reported finding a bicycle on the sidewalk in front of his property at 229 South Ash Street. Sure. Okay, November 10th, 119 p.m. A man reported finding two bicycles on his property of 500 South Cedar Street. So... Oh, a different, completely different place. Accumulating by the same town though. I don't want to like flex here, but like I've done a lot of math

training in my life and this could get very out of hand very quickly. Yeah, we don't know whether there's going to be three bikes or four bikes next. Or, this this is a sequence of... Or... Nope. That's it. That's a sequence. Yep, two options. I was like, ah, it's a sequence of square numbers. No, that doesn't make sense because the two wouldn't fit in there. You have a math degree, don't you, Collie?

Give us some series of numbers that begin with one and two. I have a physics, yeah. Oh, fucking five. Okay, three, five, seven is a big one. People often forget about that, and nine to be sure. And you know what, it goes on for a while after that. Well, we've got time. All right. November 15th, on the 3,000 block of Harrison Crossing Lane, Greenwood, a woman reported at 1227 p.m.

Wednesday that her mailbox had been destroyed sometime overnight by a pumpkin. By a pumpkin is really... Buy a pumpkin. We're using like active voice for like a pumpkin's intention. Not who use a pumpkin. That's right. A signing agency. Yes.

Why did the pubcant do this? Well, he put the explosives in. I know what's such a thing like, do you remember like when we were, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, like, the, th, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, the, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, thi, the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. Well, he put the explosives in. I know what's such a thing, like, do you remember like when we were, um, like kids, there would be like it was the Bush era and people would have like those kind of posters on the wall of like bushisms or whatever and you'd see them it resolved it. There is one of those that has stuck with me by whole life which is, um, we're fighting an enemy who will kill at the whim of a hat. That's very good. And that's the pumpkin in this scenario? Yeah. This is a pumpkin that tells people to kill.

100 block of little Ben Lane, Greenwood. The man reported at 1213 PM Wednesday. Hmm? Man reported 1213 PM Wednesday that his mailbox had been damaged by thrown pumpkin sometime overnight. I've thrown pop. How fuck? How far? Let's all go. Let's do a whip around. How far could you throw a pumpkin? Okay, let's establish a baseline size for the pumpkin. Are we're talking like regular Kent pumpkin that you would get from supermarket probably like three to four kilos? Well this is America right so I think they're pumpkins come in one American flavor.

Giant, huge orange. Tish. Yeah, but probably hollowed out. And are we presuming like, yeah, holes in the middle so I can get a good grip on the scary jackalant face. That's right. Yeah whatever's going to get you the most distance, I think. I reckon if this is like a hollow jackalant pumpkin, which is I suspect what might be the case here, I'm getting that bad boy like, I could get that to the stumps. I reckon I could bowl that a good.

A full 22 yards. Yes, however long I could get this, never known. No one ever worked it out actually. They have one piece of string they used to measure the first one, they've just been doing it off that the whole time. Getting shorter and shorter over the years. Uh, 3,000 block of President's Lane at Greenwood, a man reported 846 AM Wednesday that someone struck his mailbox with pumpkin causing damage to the box. This is the last week, right? So we're like well past the Halloween, like pumpkin.

You gotta get rid of your pumpkin. You're gonna get a roll of pumpkins, right? Yeah. If any of these people are doing your favor, not the mailbox part, but the first. Yeah, why not the person that lives there. Yeah, why not to smash it through a window. Hey, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. thu, thu, thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thoom. Yeah, thoom. Yeah, thoom. Yeah, thoom. Yeah, thoom. Yeah, thoom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thu. Yeah, thu. Yeah, thu. Yeah, thu. Yeah, thi. Yeah, thoomea. Yeah, thoomea. Yeah, thoooooomea. Yeah, thoooooma. Yeah, toma. Yeah, thooomea. Yeah, tho. Fucking dope. Hey, you left this rotting pumpkin outside. Get ready.

Now you, you, me and the Australian listeners understand a lane to have approximately like nine addresses on it. Right. I think about lane as being a small almost foxy sort of affair, yeah. Yeah, from here to where you can throw a pumpkin. Yes, that's right. And they're placing 3,000 blocks on this., th. Do, th. Do, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, get, get, that, that, that, get, get, get, get, get the, get thu. Get, get thus, get thus, get thus, get thus, get the, get the, get thu. Get, get that, get that, get that, get that, get that, get that, get that, get that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, yeah. Yeah, from here to where you can throw a pumpkin. Yes, that's right. And they're placing 3,000 blocks on this. Does that what that means? I don't understand.

I believe it goes like 1,000, 2,000. Or is it the block with the numbers that are 3,000? A lot of podcasts. A lot of podcasts crew would focus on to the definition of a lane. And we've talked about this approximately like 70 times and we refuse to look up. And Americans write in and they're like it makes total sense. It makes complete sense. I think for to live on 22,400 John F. Kennedy Lane. I do not want you to write in if this is incorrect American listeners at all. We do not want to hear about it the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to hear the the to hear about the to hear about the the the the to hear about the the the the to hear about to hear about the their to their their their their. to to to to be. to be to their. to to be to be to be their. to be to be. to be. to be. to be. to. to. to. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. t. te. t. t. t. to. to. to. t.. to..... is incorrect American listeners at all. We do not want to hear about it, but I'm pretty certain this means that this is the 30th block of like street blocks on President's Lane, because they're subdivided into, I think hundreds.

That is my understanding. This is just the sort of shit they do. And they think it's normal. And then when you say it's not normal, they write in to say, It's cool. It is, actually. America is normal. America is sort of the default country. That's why they make all the movies. So no one gets confused.

You watch a movie that's set in France and you're like, they're not speaking the default language. What? What's going on over here? They're very little. Get to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the their their their their their. Get to America. Watching the French parts of the movie and being like, well, this is probably just a set up before they get to the clip. It's like the Exorcist, where it starts in the Middle East. And then you get to the normal part in America.

Yeah. Every film. And if it doesn't happen, it's just because it's connected to another film. So the post-It's post-in, it's post-in, it's post-in, the post-in, the post-in, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, threat, threathomen, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the to, the the the the th, th, th, th, th, the thi, they. they-in, they-in, they-in, they-a, their, they-s.e, they-s.e.e.e. they-s. they-s. they-a, their, they-s, the post-credit... The post-credits of every foreign film has the characters deciding to emigrate to America. Just walking up to the ticket counter, two tickets to America please. Oh, thank God. Okay, next movie we're gonna be there.

We'll be fine. Welfare check on Houstonville Road. Car seats strapped to back of a moped. Not a real baby, moped operator was participating in a parenting class, brackets failed. That's not their business. Yeah, and the what not to do section of the parenting class is the only fun you get in those things. Yeah.

Do not, do a perfect punt between the posts. I was just thinking about that skit from Jackass the movie, where he's riding around the bicycle with the baby seat attached to the back and just like stacking it in front of everybody. Just think about that the other day. And that's just good comedy. November 15th, police were dispatched to Colville Street for a woman possibly stealing mail from mailboxes. Police spoke with her and she didn't have mail in her possession, but she did have books from the free library on Colville Street. So she's taking the books out of the like the mailbox library?

Is that? So like she opened the like the cute little free library that's in a little box on the street and she took out a couple of books and she's like, you know what? Community fucking rules. It's so nice. You know what I've never read the Da Vinci-Code. You know what I'm gonna see what the fuss is about. Oh they've got digital fortress as well it may as well. Meanwhile all over the road someone's just slowly loading 38 rounds into the revolver. Ooh, talks nearly, I've never read this. A Bryce Courtney book about a delightful cat. This shit sucks so bad. These people are like, oh, this would be so nice for the street.

And immediately like 20 ultra marks have called the cops. There was one, the third, I went to Mackay to see my family like six nine months ago and there was one like they took, taken an old fridge and turned into a community library and put it at a park and I thought, you know what, that's wonderful. Mackay, you know, it's not on the up and up, sort of economically and stuff, you know, it's a tough, what a lovely thing. Week later, burnt down. So I set the library on fire. Oh. That's exactly like the Garden of Alexandria.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there's likely more copies of Dean Kuntz's The Spooky Road available, but... Do we know? Have we checked? It would be so funny that like Library of Alexantry is burning and you run out with armful of Matthew Riley's completed works. We must save this. We have one listener who's a massive Matthew Riley fan. It's just a... Met Matthew Riley, lovely guy, they said. What? Have you read Cobalt Clue, his superhero book as well? I haven't read shit.

No, I'm not reading the 40-K novels now. Man, you'll love this book. He's just not, and I'm sorry for saying this Dave, you know we love you very much. He's not a good writer. He's a very bad writer, actually. Why has he got so many books then? How have you have the got enough money to buy a Dolorian that he drove around Brisbane when he lived here. My favorite old Matthew Riley story was that he used to when he was starting out sit in the seat of the bus that faces the other seat and loudly enjoy his own novel. Oh one. Don't. I really liked that they're like the last page of his first book was like, this is about to be adapted

into a movie. It wasn't. There was just like no chance that was ever happening. November 16th, 545 p.m. A caller from Pleasant Valley Road, State Route 20 reported a soda machine in the lanes. Okay. Yeah. It doesn't go there. Okay. Now some just nomenclature specification here.

They're talking about a, like a vending machine, right? Yeah, a vending machine for sodas or pop. Yeah. Not a soda stream. No, no, that would, you probably just drive over that. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And it's not like one of those post mix soda fountains I think they call them over there which is. Yeah. It's arranged. 17 cops pulling up and immediately firing into a vending machine. Yeah, calling it. A man on blossom circle told police he discovered that his vehicle had been entered around 9 a.m. that morning. the. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. the. th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. t. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. told police he discovered that his vehicle had been entered around 9 a.m. that morning. He last saw the vehicle there around 10 p.m. the night before and it was left unlocked overnight.

There were several items stolen from inside including a rare penny worth $12,000. Ha ha ha ha! Fuck off there was it! That was worth one penny, my friend. Yeah. I left the world's most expensive coin in the glove box of my unlocked car. No, I mean, look, this is something that probably meant something. Look, I can definitely sympathize. I lost something worth probably around $12,000, but more sentimental value, I think when... Your virginity. I did not lose my virginity in my, uh, in my, uh,

uh, 997 Hyundai Excel, but I did lose a signed copy of Porcupine Tree's dead wing. Oh, damn. Oh, like a cancer scare in a dentist chair. Wait, what? What? No. This doesn't fit into my head canon at all. What the fuck?

I do, I do. And we just never had a conversation about music before in our lives? I know so much about Porcupine Tree, dude, I've seen them live multiple times. What? I don't admit that in public. You're like a hip-hop guy. You're a hip-hop man. This is fucking insane. Yeah, look, we contain multitudes. And really, like, Pocupein Tree, when you listen to them, it's like listening to like 12

different genres at once anyway. I hate it. So you find us PT fairs, kind of quite malleable, Us Wilson heads really drift from album to album. We call it Voyage 34, it's where we go wherever we want. Well, I mean, Voyage 34 is actually genuinely good, unlike nearly everything else in his discography. And also, Wilson heads, what are we, the people from Castaway? The guy from Cast away? Like the volleyball.

Wilson, he made something like a head of a man out of Wilson brand. He said like, Wilsom! Home Improvement fans? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fuck. Get it advice over a fence?

Is that who we are? Jesus Christ. Do you know there was a dick hole in that fence the whole time? That's weird. They'd pan that camera down just slightly. He saw fingerprints in the vehicle, but he's not sure if they are his or the suspects. Okay. His neighbors have ring cameras, but he hasn't checked for them to see if there is video yet.

Why do you leave your $12,000 penny in your car, man? Yeah, like if you know that the penny is worth 12 large, keep it inside the house. That's a really expensive penny if it existed. Yeah, if it's real, which I doubt, lock your fucking car if that's where you're storing your precious coins. Also like whoever stole this was like, oh great I made three cents. Yeah. Yeah, fuck. Well, I'm gonna throw this in the bid like any normal person would do. Uh, November 17th, this is the last one. A woman on Bailey Avenue told police she has misplaced her Tennessee state notary seal.

She saw it a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. I don't know if that sounds like a job for the police. Police classically love to find stuff for you I think. I think a really good job though actually if we're looking to like what the police force does in the future. Just like a kind of lost and found service is pretty good. Yeah and they don't have guns. No no no no they have more guns if anything. Oh right. Kick it down people's doors. Where's this guy is the phone?. It's a the phone? the phone? the phone? the phone? the phone. It's a phone. It's a phone. It's the phone. It's the phone. It's the phone. It's the phone. It's the phone. It's the phone. It's good good good good good good good good good good good good. It's good. It's good good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good good good good. It's good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good. It's good good good good good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. They have more guns, if anything. Oh, right. Kick it down people's doors.

Where's this guy's a phone charger? I thought he brought it around here a couple of weeks ago. I like the idea that there's an unnamed criminal somewhere in Tennessee notarizing documents. Oh, it's a perfect. It's really a great crime, right? It's like the setup crime. Yeah, it's great as well because it's a real like, hagon, is that your notarizer? Well, actually, I have a document right here saying it belongs to me.

Oh, that's so good. It is fun to think that this is like the first step in like a heat style heist where they're like, all we're going to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need to need the sort sort the sort to need some some some sort the sort the sort the sort to the sort to the their the their their their the fun to think that this is like the first step in like a heat style heist where they're like, all right, we're going to need some sort of armoured car for this thing. We're going to need a Texas state notary seal. Uh, Tennessee, sorry. Who knows what they're going to do with this afterwards. Also fun to imagine that the Tennessee State notary seal is the aquatic animal. Yeah, that notarizes is the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the Tennessee State notary seal is the aquatic animal that notarizes your documents. Yeah, coastal state.

Ocean's like 14 or whatever they're up to included just in the like, here's our technical guy, he's the hacker, he's the explosion guy, Jim does hand jobs, here's the other guy. She's like, why do we need this? Well, it'll come up once. You guys seem really stressed? Should we take a quick breather? Brad Pitt is chewing on an apple, and you're like, hmm, you know.

You never know you're going to need the handjob guy until you've got one. And he's set up as sort of a silliest character in the ensemble cast, but by the end of the movie you realize he was actually one of the most crucial. And he has a heart of gold, in really supple hands. Who are you casting? Who are you casting? Oh, hand-drop. Oh, he's just, he's been tweeting about SAG stuff. Yeah, I only know that because he kind of put out a, oh, I, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. A, th. A, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th, th, th. It's, th. It's actually, th. It's actually, th. It's actually, th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. He is is, th. He is, th. He is actually, th. He is actually, th. He th. He is, th. It's actually, th. It's actually, th. It's actually, th. It's actually is actually is actually is actually is actually is actually is actually that. It's a that. that. that. that. that that that, that, th. th. th. th. a Twitter account. He's just been tweeting about sag stuff, sag stuff. Yeah I only know that because he kind of put out a obituary for the guy. Yeah look it's gonna come to me. He put out an obituary for the guy.

Lentz just you put out a bitury for manhood it was actually really problematic. RIP to being a man. Look fine the guy from the guy from the wife. He th. He th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's just, I that's, I that's just that's just I that I only only only only that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I I that I I I I I I I that I I that I I I that's, I I that's, I that's, I that's, I that's, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I only only only th. I only only th. I only only only th. I only only th. I only only th. I only only th. I only th. I only th. I th. I th. RIP to being a man. Look fine, the guy from Fucked The Wire. Lance Redick? Lance Redick because all I could think was Lance Hemrickson. Yeah. As far as I know, he's still alive. Yeah.

He's who I'm casting is the handjump guy. Look at him, he's washed up. He couldn't give a hair jump to save his life. Oh yeah? Tell me, are you coming right now? You're only supposed to bloody hedge him. Look at him, he's gushing, he's gushing. The countdown from 10 seconds is playing on a digital tongue. Sweat going down. We gotta go. We gotta go. Gets down in zero, does it go, taps at once.

Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! . . Podcasts.

They're nature's greatest natural resource, and it's important that they're harvested sustainably. Editing, production, fart sound effects. These are all important resources from our local ecosystems. That's why we're asking you to go to Patreon. to their to'n'evisa and pledge five US dollars a month to help support the healthy growth of a homegrown podcast like Wntavista. In exchange, you'll get an extra sustainably farmed episode every week, access to our discord and a naturally pristine

promo-free podcast feed. Thank you for helping look after one of nature's most precious resources. I have no idea how to do this segue. This is, I've been... What are we got here? Tennessee, that's a place. Hand jobs. Hand jobs, yeah. Hey, you ever thought about how funny it would be to hear jerk off instructions from someone with a Dutch accent? That's the sort of thing we might explore on Netherlands Quarter. Everybody, I'm from Holland. Isn't that beer? This is from Dutch News. Nobody had anything for that one?

No. It's some days when you really feel Andrew's absence. Yeah. Because that could have easily been 10 minutes of him trying to nail that one. If we're lucky. Anti-Blackface demonstrators pelted with fireworks, eggs. Jesus. It's going over there, man.

It's not good. The police were forced to intervene when anti-blackface peat demonstrators were pelted with fireworks, eggs and tomatoes by pro-blackface campaigners. Come on. Why are you a pro-black-face campaigner? Have a look at your life. Yeah, just look at how you're written about in the news and be like, oh, I'm racist, but I'm also ridiculous. Yeah, I'm like silly racist.

Yeah, I'm like the kind of racist where people read about what I'm doing and like they're less scared and more just like, oh, bud, come on. I'm also a little surprised because we've been on this beat for like five years now, right? Yeah, it's not really changing. Oh, no, I thought we'd seen progress. I really thought we'd move forwards. And I think by us covering it, you know, sunlight is the best disinfectaffectant. Yes. And sometimes the brightest sunlight comes from a quite small Australian comedy current events podcast. Yeah, what we just do is send Harry Connick Jr. over there to show them it's wrong. Oh my god, you imagine. He rates the entirety of the Dutch people zero. I did, I was wondering by Darling Harper and he's doing some show in a couple of months.

I was wondering by the other day and the way they advertise shows on this is they just project the person's giant face on one of the walls. There was just Harry Connick Jr. looking down on the people passing. There's real like, if you were thinking about doing black face, you know what, when I get home I'm going to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the their their their their their their. their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm th. I'm their their. I'm th. I was their. I was their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their their their their their. I their their. I their. I their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm the the the the the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm sorry. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm when I get home, I'm going to try a bit of, oh sorry, Mr. Connick Jr., I will not be doing that. You're absolutely right, it's not on. And if you're not from Australia, please Google Harry Connick Jr. Blackface, Australian TV, and then look at the year in which that incident happened. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the, the, the, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, th. th. th. thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, tho. Sorry, th. tho tho to. tho tho to. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho it's it's important to note as well that as a country

We all kind of banded together and said shut the fuck up Harry Connick Jr. We like blackface Oh, man, that was yeah, you can't come over here a judge. Oh, he should and he literally was asked to come over here a judge And that judge yeah, and ironically it was a segment called red faces and they couldn't even stick to that that???????? the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. thu. thu. thu. th. th. thu. thu. thu. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to the their their their thu. thu. Shut. Shut. thu't even stick to that. Terrible. Yeah, but also we don't want to see them doing that version either. No, don't give them ideas. This happened at the Cinterclass parade in the Swede Holland town of Delir. In total nine pro Zwaite backers were arrested, four of whom were picked up early in the morning for vandalizing surveillance cameras, police said. So they're like an organized militia of blackface people. And they, like there's 100% they were wearing it, the black face, right?

Well, it's like Bella Claver. Why are you damaging the CCTV cameras if you're covering your face? That's right, yeah. Well, I think they can still see your facial features. I think it's pretty caked. Yeah, yeah. It's sort of like the opposite of the porcelain men. Uh, three others had, quote, offensive weapons in their car. I think offensive weapons, not offensive weapons.

Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. They weren't holding a blackface sword. Wait a damn second this gun is racist. Anti-blackface campaigners from the kick out as well to beat movement opted to demonstrate in Dahlia because the village still has traditional beats in its center class process. So I think to be fair to the Netherlands, which we've almost never done, the inner city, the sort of the big metropolitan areas, they're getting rid of their sphati piz. Some of them are getting rid of the pizz entirely, some of them are just doing the

sooty pites or whatever, but I think it's these sort of smaller towns where if you go in there and you're like, hey, I don't know about this, they say, okay, I'm going to kill you, and then they chase you out of town. It's same here, like a country town that if you go and tell the local CWA to take the gollywalks out of the window and you, Try this at a country town, it was about stopping the roofing the golly walks. Try to take that gullywog out of the tea and cakes shop, you know, the main street in Kyogel. We just like them here. I remember literally like when we, when my wife and I like first started dating, and like, early date shit you go antiquing, and the idea of like we're not buying anything but we're looking at old stuff, that

counts, and I remember pushing the door and then having like flashback visions of all the gollywugs that were about to be in this room. Oh my god, they're here and in every shop we're going to visit today. Oh I've I, I've just just, I past is fun for me. How about you? Oh. It's honestly, the gollywalk thing is crazy. Again, if you're not from Australia, I'd like... There were famous biscuit based off a racist trope. Oh, when do we? What's the...

They were part of the family assorted pack, they're the biscuit. We've ditched the biscuit entirely, right? They've destroyed the molds. I've removed that from my memory. Yeah, there it is. Oh, the biscuit is so much more racist than you remember. Yeah, and they give those to children. So the colliewugs are like a... Racist biscuit for a lot of...

Yeah, and not even like a... That's got Arnets on it. And then they changed it to Scaliwag. Oh, Scaliwags, but they didn't really change the fucking thing. They didn't change the thingy, he's still a Gollywog. Oh, man. Okay, so just for more clarity. They're like a, for Americans, this is sort of like if you had a biscuit called the Sambo, and it was an exaggerated, very racist, stylized depiction of a black person. Yeah, we also had a chewy candy called Redskins as well.

Just FYI if we didn't think you would just have it covered. And like a little mint that was just called the N-word. It didn't get sold much. Yeah. Just a Queensland special. When did they actually change the Gollywog biscuits? Because it wasn't that long ago, right? I don't remember these. But they're still making the dolls.

Nanas are still making those dolls. Controversial Gollywogs, now known only as gollies are in demand this Christmas. That's an article from 2015. A good country. I was just seeing if the biscuits were on eBay and the there are two headlines that come up when I Google it and one is item specific listing removed. Question of it, question mark, question mark, followed by solved, racist and hateful, or much love toy. So that's been solved.

Oh, I worked it out. Oh, no. Oh, no. I've just, I've opened up an article on the Life Hacker Australia, part of the pedestrian group, um, with a list of Ozzy snacks that were rightly altered for their unacceptable names. Here we go. Ardite Scullywalk biscuits, fangs, creole creams, redskins, chinkins, chinkos, yeah, no, sorry,

this is the last one that's the most important. N-word, boy, licorish. Oh my god, I was kidding. You were correct. When the National Liquorish Company produced these licorice blocks throughout the 50s and 60s. But then 2017 we decided no more. That's right we decided to take a stand. What's a Creole cream? I don't know I've never had a Creole cream. No. Oh sorry these are from ages ago. Here we go. When Coles introduced a home-brand Oreo-style chocolate biscuit with white cream filling back in 2009, they decided to name them Creole

creams. I would love if this podcast finally made its weird TikTok debut strictly taste-testing racist candies. Hey guys. Hey guys! Now they don't do Hey Guys on Tick-Tock, do they? That would be Chuggy. I think. Yeah, that's Chuggy, that's millennial stuff. So they're, Chico's are cheeky's,

red rippers, fags are fags, fags are fads. Gollywags. There was a problem with red rippers, which that was also a name of a like notorious murderer that they didn't realize until they had changed to snathing. Oh, okay. Yeah, also they, they really get stuck in your fucking teeth. Yeah, they're just conceptually as a lolly, they are, the experience of eating them is horrible. Yeah, that was supposed to. That was supposed to be a message about racism that's into it. It was satire.

It was like Borat. It's not racist against Muslims. He's highlighting what Americans think of them or whatever. That guy sucks. I'm willing to say it. Sasha Baron Cohen, you're not invited on this podcast. We wouldn't even let you on. I've have that that that that that that th that th th. I have th. I have th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thoen. thoen. th. thoen. thoen. the that. the the thoen. the the to bea. to bea. to bea. to bea. to bea. I was, toe. I was, toe. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. It. It was. It was. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was the. It was the. It was the. the. to. toe. thea. thea. tha. thauua. the thauauaua. It was like toa. tha. toea. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Yeah, alright though. Big, big fan. Something that I've noticed and believe is that satire requires a clarity of purpose and target, lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize.

That's just something. Yeah, and that's just straight off the top you enter. I was going to edit out the sound of your keyboard, but I've decided to leave it in for audience clarity. Nah, it's just it's tattooed on my leg right now. Fuck, that shirt, that picture of that shirt as a meme, gets a lot of use by the dumbest people alive. I honestly consider it for a Halloween costume this year. Fuck, you get punched, surely. According to the Town Council, a car park on the edge of the center was full of vehicles with bales of hay, manure tanks, and containers that, quote, could have been used in a counter-protest.

Quote, a large group of public order offenders has set out to disrupt the demonstration, police said. I kind of like a big bunch of manure coming back as a punishment for like, like a 90s film style bad people get pushed in a big pile of manure. Although for blackface, pro blackface people, it's, you know, it's unfortunate. And the Bails of Hay also have a very old time feel to this. It feels like they were going to march them out of town on a log. Kick out as well to Peter Chairman Jerry Afrii told the, uh,

I probably but but butchered the pronunciation of that name, I apologize, told the AD the parade should have been cancelled because of the violence and that the demonstrators felt extremely unsafe. We had everything thrown at us, eggs, apples, full cans. They were fireworks everywhere, he said. The police did everything they could do to protect us, and that worked well. But we went to a Sinterclass party, which is inclusive and safe for everyone. We want a Sinterclass party, which is inclusive and safe for everyone, and that is not the

case in the moment. One demonstrator had received a cut to the face, after he said. Meanwhile, the annual procession in the over-Isell village of Enterter, the the the village, the village, the village, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toe, the the the toole, the their, their, the annual procession in the over-Isel village of Inter has been cancelled because the mayor feared trouble between Blackface Pete supporters and anti-racism campaigners. The parade featuring Pete's in full Blackface has been scheduled for November 22th. Stop doing it. Imagine you get into local politics because you care about your community and you want to have little things improved around the place and you spent

so much of your time keeping the pro and anti-Blackface protesters from each other. Yeah, it's just like gangs of New York style. These guys are meeting at the fucking over-isled five ways. Ah. Yeah. In Ricewick, local mayor Huri Sahin refused to give a license to an alternative Cinterclass parade featuring Blackface Pete's because public order could not be guaranteed. Not because it was racist, but because... It's gonna cause problems for me. Because it's gonna pop off because the shit's gonna hit the fan. Yeah. I, I just don't know. Why do you need the black face on so bad? I understand that the the procession of time is horrifying and seeing like your like like like like like like like like like like your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your your, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, like, Why do you need the black face on so bad? I understand that the procession of time is horrifying and seeing like your past get actively changed and erased by what you feel like are these new forces taking over the world.

Must be confusing and alienating. You don't need a racist assistant to Santa. I like, just, it must feel terrific because why else are you persisting? Like, you must love every second of it because how is it ever possibly worth all the other drama in your life? Oh my god. It's not like, you're not bringing smiles to children's faces. What's the reward?

They don't care about Pete. They don't care if he's sooty or if he's from North Africa. He's not real. Yeah. What? Yeah, I'm, oh shit. We might have to offline this but we'll have a talk after. I knew about Santa but I thought he's blackface friend. That guy was real. We decided to invent Santa because kids thought that the black face th he he he he he he th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th invent Santa because kids thought that the blackface guy seemed lonely. If you were the mayor of a small town in Netherlands and you heard about a blackface peat cintaclass parade coming up, you would know that was a sign that some bad shit was about

to happen. Another segment where we talk about signs of bad shit about to happen is called Oman's Importance. It's time for Omen's importance. You shall see hail fall from a clear sky and burn his fire upon the ground. You shall see darkness cover Egypt when the sun climbs high to noon. And you shall know that God is God. Bow down to his will. It's from WJAR in Rhode Island.

Hawk shatters Providence coffeehouse window and latches onto woman. Oh my God. Beautiful. Chaos in a coffee house is a hawk shatters a coffee shop window crash landing inside on a patron. Does the article tell us whether she had or had not had her coffee yet? Don't even smash to a window and latch onto me until I... Sorry, how dare you? Don't hawk to me until I've had my morning coffee again. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Congratulations. James, you are the Buntavista comedian of the week. Oh no, no, I'm just happy to be so I haven't eaten it so I haven't eaten that and I don't want to make it in my friendship, you know? It's just... I have two reasons to tel taps to not listen to this episode. I have such a tap. Now you have two reasons to tell APS to not listen to this episode. Yeah, other podcasts, other comedy podcasts anticipate having more than one funny moment per 60 minute episode.

Not us, baby. Coffee Exchange owner, Charles Fishbeen said it happened. Sorry, pause. Something I clarify for you there? Oh, Chuck Fishbein. It's spelled F-I-S-H-Be-E-I-N. So it could be Fishbein. Fish-Bane.

Fish-Bane. Fish-Bane. He's a Fish-Bien. Fishbane? Fishbane? Fishbein? Fishbein. He's a fishbien. Charles Fishbeen said it happened Wednesday afternoon at his Providence coffeehouse. Quote, this was the first time in 40 years that we've had a hawk coming to the building, said Fishbien. I think it's the first time in 40 years ago? He opened 40 years ago.

Yeah, so I- This guy's a fucking Stephen King character. Oh, we haven't had a hawk smashed through that window and menaced the guests for going on 40 years now. He said chaos ensued when the birds shattered the glass of a packed coffeehouse. Yeah, that happened. It spilled coffee everywhere, glass everywhere. Its talon was on the woman's legs and the bird looked like it was somewhat disoriented.

Yeah. Yeah, I bet. It wasn't moving so they're able to get the talons off. It was a little bit of blood, nothing serious. He's seen it all. He's been a coffeehouse proprietor for four years. Nothing phasing. Remarkably cavalier about this. It's a hawk. Big deal. A witness took photos of the moment with one image showing two employees helping a patron who found herself leg to face with a

hawk. What a weird way of saying that. That's a Chris Morris phrasing. A man found himself knife to thigh with a gunman. One of those employees was Allison Dillon. She's only been on the job for a month and already seeing her first horse through the window instead. Is it usually like this? This is a normal November for us. I wasn't picturing it to be such a large bird.

So I was expecting it to like have died, you know, and not been in a good situation. Yeah. By which she mean it's going to hell. She expected it to have died and ended up in eternity of fire and torment. But fortunately, the bird was in okay shape, said Dylan. As far as what I had seen, the bird's beak was in okay condition, its wings were fine.

Okay, two parts of the bird's sorted. Fishbeens said the disoriented hawk was taken outside, wrapped up inside the jacket of the woman it latched onto. Eventually it would make its way into a tree and then, and the th, and the th, and th, and the th, and th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thoes thoes thoes, thoes, thi thi, thoes, thoes, said tho, said tho-a, said, said, said, said, said, said, said, said, said thi, said thi, said thi, said thi, thi, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th the, the, the, the, the, thoes thoes thoes thi thoooomw thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitaken outside, wrapped up inside the jacket of the woman it latched onto. Eventually it would make its way into a tree and then hours later fly off. Is he still wearing the jacket? I think I just saw every motorcycle club's logo go past. Oh, fuck, did that hawk? I think I just saw every motorcycle club's logo go past.

Residents report sightings of an extremely cool bird. Imagine if it was the jacket from drive. Dylan, who handled the bird outside, said it's a conversation starter. Dylan, who handled the bird outside, said it's a conversation starter. I guess so, yeah. Like, in the bird outside, said it's a conversation starter. I guess so. Like, in the moment? Hey, what's up with that hawk? Did you just see that hawk while in here?

Usually have to use the door. I'm there going to be a conversation sound of like a short amount of time if you're talking about outside of the workplace? Like, you've got a week to be like, hey, a hawk flew into my coffee shop that is looking to come up naturally. Like, hey, how do you, how do you have any hawks smash through your glass and latch onto the fire of a patron lately? Do you see the cry of a bird? Oh, nice windows. Be a shame if... It happens sometimes. But don't Dylan hopes people take away an important lesson from this crazy moment. All right, pause. Does anyone want to take a guess at what the lesson might be? What is the lesson here?

Don't clean your windows so much. Yes. Feel the windows. What, are you presuming the hawk was... So I've thought there was a reflective situation here, but the hawk wanted to get into the coffee shop. Yeah. You think he was like coming in no matter what?

He knew that was a window. He was like, I'm fucking getting in there. I'm getting that jacket. Is that a drive jacket? Is that screen quality drive jacket? Not like a cheap th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the the jacket from the drive? Is that screen quality drive jacket? Not like a cheap knockoff that just has like a print on the back, but it's like embroidered? And it's quilted properly? Like the one in the movie? That's mine now. We have a... Just speaking of keeping your windows filthy. The windows at the bar at the moment are a little dirty, which I apologize if you've come down to the scratch bar melt and you've been like,

man, these guys never clean their windows. It's because we theoretically have a window washer that comes and does the windows. We do all the other cleaning ourselves, it's just a window guy. We have a long-term business relationship with the window guy, but we have like no way to contact him and no schedule for when he comes out. There's no said amount of times that he arrives. He just comes sometimes and cleans the windows and then leaves. But we haven't seen him for ages. Like for months? Yeah, so he invoices us. Okay. We haven't seen it for months and we got like one invoice recently but the windows clearly they hadn't been cleaned. So like he's not we just don't know what's happening we don't know what the situation is but

he's been part of the fabric of the bar for long enough that I'm not willing to challenge the system that we have in place and so now we just have to wait. I think he might be an apparition. I think he's cursed to clean your windows for eternity. He's a very eccentric person as well. If you're listening to this, love your work when you've arrived. It's always lovely setting you. But yeah, it's very strange. And like, talking to the owners, they're also, I think we have a kind of like,

like Stockholm syndrome where it's just, you know, it's part of the owners. There also I think we have a kind of like Stockholm syndrome where he's just you know it's part of the spice of life of the bar. We can't we can't get another person in because he might rock up on the day that we get the new person in and then that would be so awkward. He'd be hardbroken standing outside there in the rain. He might cry. This is the lesson that we're learning by the way. Quote, be a doer, you know? Taking action. You would give me a thousand guesses. Just be a doer. Be someone who do's. Just do.

You see a sick jacket, embroidered, scorpion on the back, you take that jacket. Manifest for yourself. The only obstacle between you and a screen quality, fully embroidered, quilted, drive jacket is a window, a single layer window? Smash through that fucking. Your eyes will be okay, your talons will be okay, your wings will be okay, all of it, you'll be fired. Grab on to the first woman in there. Get that jacket, King! Be a doer, you know, taking action when you see that the first woman in there. Get that jacket, King. Be a doer, you know, taking action when you see that there is something or someone in need, said Dylan.

Yeah, I guess like putting a hawk outside is that. That's great. As for the bird who caused all of this commotion, it will find itself in the coffeehouse's 40th anniversary history book when they celebrate this New Year's Day. They are opened on New Year's Day? Or they just celebrate their anniversary of New Year's? Crazy.

I think all cafes, birthdays a New Year's Day? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that also true of Koreans? Horses and Koreans? Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I'm not racist for saying that.

Gosh, I heaps hope that's a true fact that people can look up. Korea, birthday, January 1st. The number of times Ben starts to say it to, is this also true of Koreans? Under the Korean age system, babies are considered to be one-through. Is this also true of Koreans? Under the Korean age system, babies are considered to be one year old and the day they're born and every January 1st a year is added to people's ages. Although I think they just got rid of that. Okay. As of this year. Yeah. It was too much for the hospitals to handle all on one day. June 29th, 2023. South Koreans became a year or too younger. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thiolioliolioliolioliolioli. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. Under. Under. Under. Under. their. th. Under. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. the. the. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. the the the the the the the their their their on one day. June 29th, 2023, South Koreans became a year or two younger on Wednesday's new laws are require using only the international method of counting age to effect replacing the country's traditional method. So it was at one point, up until very recently true of horses and Koreans and

is now just true of horses. We'll find more things that sure. Let's get the middle of that then diagram. It feels like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like a new the new the new the new the new to to to the new to to to to the new to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to to to to too. too. too. too. too. too. too. toe. toe. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. their. to. of horses. We'll find more things, sure. It's got the middle of that diagram. Feels like a new segment. Horse Korea of the diagram. Instead of try to be divisive and find the differences between horses and Koreans, let's find the things that they share. Yeah. This has been stuff we should chat about. The 40th anniversary history book will be comprised of stories from patrons and former employees

over the decades. Quote, I'm sure that the hawk is going to be, maybe not front and center, but it's going to be a part of that history, said Fishbeen. What else is part of that history? Yeah, what's more important? The history book about your coffee shop? Yeah. Oh, it served like a million coffees and like little slices of cake. Yeah. One of the horks smashed through the window and then took off in a drive jacket. Bill Clinton ate here. Yeah. Obama sat in that chair. We've got a little plexiglass cube over it now, so no one else can sit in that chair.

Smaller plexiglass cube around that woman's leg where the floor grabbed it. Coffee Exchange will celebrate their anniversary and hold their annual fundraiser. Okay, well, well, on New Year's Day. So check that out if you are around Providence, Rhode Island. Oh God, if there was ever a day for a hawk to crash through again. Just seeing a dot growing in size and be like, there's just no fucking way. Hide the drive jackets. Everybody in here is wearing one. A second hawk is hit the drive jackets. Everybody in here is wearing one. A certain hawk has hit the coffee shops.

I think that was technically an episode of the podcast. Buntavista James, thank you so much for joining us. You've got a book to plug. Yeah, sure. It comes out, you can pre-order now, but it comes out at the end of January. It's called The Next Big Thing, and it's a little romantic comedy. You fucking love those. You meet the love of your life one time, and then all of a sudden you're writing all these

fucking romantic comedies. Grow up. Write a Matthew Riley Ryle Riley book. Yeah, what about like a really cool special forces guy goes to a Mayan temple or something? Okay, in the second one, all the big things come to life and it's up to our little couple to take them down. Sweet, yes, fuck yeah. And then you have to describe bits of the action in italics to highlight where the cool parts are. Manny sucks. Manning a little guy just getting stepped on in it?

Yeah, by like the big marino. Oh no! Get crushed by its nutsack. Can we just close out by noting that Creole creams came out in 2009? Yeah. So they just got to go to the toskis. Again, an Oreo-style biscuit. In the Obama administration.

White in the middle. Why they chose that name? What's Creole about them? I can make some inferences, but I won't. I'd love to hear inferences. I love inferences. Is the white stuff in the middle, Gumbo? Well, isn't Gumbo Cajun not...

Oh no, I know enough about it is to take that idea. Oh no! Nope, shalt it up. Gumbo is also Creole. Yes, vindicated once again, I'll never be racist. That's... Cajunbo? Cajunbo.

Wow. Interesting. Coles originally wouldn't back down over it. Yeah, yeah, they're like dug in. Huh. Well, and that concludes Buntavista. Thank you so much for joining us. We will see you next week. And if you want more of these episodes, you can subscribe on Patreon if you don't want more, if one is more than enough, oh buddy, this podcast is as free as air.

You are welcome. Yeah. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Goodbye. Bye. you know the today