Boonta Vista - EPISODE 377: My Name Is Velvet Leatherwood

Episode Date: December 22, 2024

It's our final (new) free episode for the year! Lucy, Theo, Andrew, and Ben bring you: The shadow Cooterfest is casting over Inverness, the return of a treasured ball, Ohio's most high profile katanas, the sordid past of a beloved giraffe, and the Clipping Report. *** Outro: Christmas Time is Here - Khruangbin *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista

Music Hello and welcome to Pointe de Vista, episode 377. I am Ben and I'm here in the function space of the Queenslanderian Heritage Museum, chairing a panel discussion at the 2024 Mergen Writers Festival. What is a writer? First and foremost, they are a storyteller. Storytelling as an art form long predates the written word, emerging shortly after if not alongside language itself. While the ability to tell stories is universal, the formalized role of the storyteller

is found in nearly all cultures, passed down as tradecraft. The skills of the storyteller and the stories themselves shed from master to apprentice over the course of a lifetime. But the role of the storyteller is also found in familial lines. Ever since there have been parents and siblings, we have had uncles and uncle stories. The uncle story is an oral tradition that arises fully formed from the Te Waa of uncle-dom. Without formal instructional guidance, each uncle practices a form of glossolalic monologue that is being drawn from the speaker's own life, unique to the speaker, but strictly adherent to a set of fundamental

precepts that were carved into stone when the first child was born to a set of parents where one parent had a brother. In this panel, we'll be reading from some examples of uncle storytelling that were carved into stone when the first child was born to a set of parents where one parent had a brother. In this panel, we'll be reading from some examples of uncle storytelling that exemplify this ancient art form and discussing them with our panel of uncle scholars. The 20th century uncle scholar, Dr. Schmederling Weinstefahner, once said that at the heart of uncle storytelling, you will find only this, proximity. That every uncle story is told not to convey some facet of the uncle storytelling, you will find only this proximity, that every uncle story

is told not to convey some facet of the uncle itself, but to convey the uncle's proximity to some facet of the universe. One of these core proximities is the proximity to the hidden mechanics of the universe, a certain insider's view of the world as it truly is, unclouded by trick or confusion. I quote here from an uncle's story told by uncle Darren Ratney at a 60th birthday party in Agnes Waters on September 18th, 1989. No, it's not a Rolex. Why would I buy a Rolex, mate? I've got a business contact in Singapore who works at the markets near the airport who'll sell me five of these for a hundred bucks. Get this, they're made in the exact same bloody factory as the Rolexes. But, and here's the thing nobody will tell this, they're made in the exact same bloody factory as the Rolexes.

But, and here's the thing nobody will tell you, they're even better than the Rolexes because they do a rush job on the Rolexes. They've already got the contract. They just churn them out. These ones have to be good because otherwise no one would fucking buy them. Now Theo, what do you think the uncle wants us to know when they tell this style of story? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So first of all, I think it's very important to understand the role of oral historian in

the ranks of uncles, as in they love being sucked off. Yes. That's true. They'll tell you about it because they've got a history. They'll tell you about it because I've got a history. They'll tell you about their oral history. Another cool proximity is proximity to danger. The uncle wants us to know that the world is a dangerous place and that they know more about the goings on in this dangerous world than they could possibly let on. The uncle loves to suggest that although they can't talk about it, they

have seen what they might describe as some action. I quote here from uncle Lyle Bungee, delivering an uncle story at a Christmas lunch in Yackandandar on March 7th, 2005. I'm telling you, everything South of St. Kilda is controlled by these Chinese knife gangs. No, I'm serious. All the real estate is owned by these high-level Korean triad mafia types, and they're all getting into Vietnamese gang wars with their Laotian martial arts and their Burmese weaponry.

They're sending each other death threats in Japanese, marking their territory with these Mongolian gang signs. I'm not worried though. I spent a fair bit of time in the army... subreddit and I've learned how to handle myself. Notice how I never have my back to the door unless I'm in combat stance. Plus, these guys would never hurt women or children because they have a very strong Malaysian code of honor. Andrew, do you believe all of us have some of this uncle impulse to convey that we're

in control of a chaotic world. Absolutely. I think the unkelic impulse to show that you have some sort of control is universal. We all struggle, we all grapple with the world that we find ourselves in. We all struggle to tell the difference between different kinds of Asians. We're all trying, we're struggle to tell the difference between different kinds of Asians. You know, we're all Trying we're all doing our best That I'm a guest to that part parody sort of an instinct

Yes, and maybe not Yes, yes, not sure yes You know, you know, I think one thing we know about uncles in Australia is they 100% have an opinion about who the invaders were in tomorrow when the war began, like John Marston. Rips. Yeah. Of course, we also have proximity to goodness. The uncle wishes us to know that yes, he's a bit of a rat bag and sometimes a dickhead, but he's also a creature of virtue.

Quoting here from uncle Lance Cockmouth, speaking his uncle truths at a barbecue in Goondiwindi on February 20th, 2018. Bloody makes me fucking sick the way some blokes disrespect women. No, I mean it. Blokes feel perfectly comfortable saying this and that and all this bloody carry on meanwhile, these sheilas are bloody putting up with a lot of it. Don't get me wrong. I'm a red blooded male.

I don't mind a bit of, you know, and if I bloody, I see a lady and she's got a bit of a nice, you know, and she's, she's like, well put together, I'll have a bloody peak. Cause you know, that's a blokes privilege as long as the, as the wife doesn't notice. But to get serious for a second, I won't tolerate hearing blokes saying this and that about chicks and their tits and pussies and assholes and stuff. Even if they're ripper. Cause I have eight daughters. Lucy, what's the deal with uncles?

Look, I mean, I don't know if I have the answer. I think it is beautiful how we've gone through the stages of uncle evolution. Cause you know, we all did spend a lot of time at uncle school to become uncle scholars. And I think at the end of the day, you know, there's, we don't really have answers for this apart from that. The uncle is always evolving and always changing. Yeah.

That's the thing about the uncle is that you always see a different facet of the uncle, but the overall shape of the uncle remains the same. The uncle, it's constant. We'll have uncles long after Hubbard's a white top this planet. Uncles are eternal, yes. Uncles are forever. But the nature of the uncle is ever changing. Yes.

We've all got our eyes closed and we're all touching the arm of an uncle and trying to describe him. Yes. And we can all help to all touching the arm of an uncle and trying to describe him. Yes. We can all help to conjure the picture of the eternal uncle. Oh, we're touching the uncle stone? Can I give you guys a tiny little peek behind the curtain? Yeah, I'd love that. What's the source of this?

What are you... Sorry. This is, uh, this is all based on one man who is not my uncle. But I have had a note for this in my phone since, oh no, it updated the date today. But when I got my, fuck what does RMLV stand for? Registered manager of a license venue or whatever. When I did the training course to get the license that I have for the bar, the guy that delivered the training course hit all of these notes, uh, with an anecdote

that he told in such like unbelievable breathtaking form that I've essentially given a watered down version of some of the stuff that he said, but I thought. It's beautiful. Yeah. And it just goes to show that uncles are not just about who is your mother's brother. Yes. Yes. Or your father's brother. No, uncle is the web they weave. Uncle is. We're all caught in the web of the uncle. Uncle is the Nissan 250Z they drive. Yes.

Probably 350Z I reckon. But yeah. Hey, if you have a crazy uncle story that you'd like to share with us, you could do that by contacting us on the Bunta Vista hotline. It's time for the Boonta Vista hotline [phone] that's the Boonta Vista hotline You can send us an email mailbag at boontavista.com

Maybe DM us on Twitter You could even message Facebook But we don't really check the Facebook yet 800-317-515 That's the Boon Tavista hotline [phone] That's the Boon Tavista hotline This comes to us from listener Matt, who wrote into us in regards to the bonus episode, Boople Me Some Kudakash. If you guys remember that one.

Classic joint. That was a bonus episode, but we released it during freemium freebureary. So if you've started listening to the free episode since then, you can go back and listen to this one. I recommend you do it because it's a pretty good episode, I reckon episode since then, you can go back and list this one. I recommend you do it because it's a pretty good episode, I reckon. And also, you're welcome. Yes. Hey, anything for you.

Matt says, Hey there, I was just working through the back catalog like your typical deranged podcast listener and came across your Feb 6 dispatch about Coup de Feste. I don't know if you saw, but more controversy has arisen. Apparently, Coup de Fest is satanic. Coup de Fest is satanic. They're worshipping Satan down there in Coup de Fest? You'll see. I figured you'd enjoy reading about the dark vampiric forces behind the Coup des. So this is the article that Matt sent through. This is from the Citrus County Chronicle.

This article is from September. Inverness accused of promoting evil. Kudotoba charged as appealing to the dark side. Yes. I love this already. Yeah. Kudotoba. Drama.

Am I right? Kudotoba. It's Kudotoba. The... Kutoba, I feel like. Kutoba. Let's just simplify it. But this is that the month of October belongs to the Kuda. It's been given over to KudaFest.

So that was actually what we talked about in that last episode was that instead of just doing like a couple of big events over one weekend, they did a whole month of stuff. But because it was happening in October, the spookiest month of the year, they sort of tied it in with a bunch of Halloween stuff. Yeah, gotcha. Which is how we get here. Makes sense. At Tuesday's Inverness City Council meeting, several attendees expressed concerns that the city was engaging with dark anti-godly forces through its month-long Kooda-tober celebration, which features events centered around vampires and other supernatural themes.

They're over there, they're gathering darkness at Kudotoba's? Is it not just Halloween? Yeah. Is it not just Halloween? It was a vampire-themed Halloween this year, so they had like a vampire ball, some blood-themed cocktails, things of that nature. But vampires being one of your classic kind of kind of a staple Halloween. I don't know if vampires are satanic though in that they're just ghouls. Yeah they're

otherworldly ghouls. They're not real. They're also not real. They're also not real. We kind of just made them up. We know that. We all know that. I think at the very least we have to describe the undead as ungodly. Right? Well yeah, I think they are, if they're real, and if God is real, they are probably getting their powers from the devil. Hold on, are we suddenly a non-vampire truther? But crosses work on them. Aww, yeah, no they do take holy damage. Vampires are acknowledging the existence of God, which also means that God is acknowledging

the existence of vampires, right? If one considers vampires to be real, one must also consider God to be real? Yeah. I think that's what blindsiders are. The existence of vampires proves the existence of God, I think is what we're saying. Quid pro quo! I mean, Q-E-D, whatever. The first to voice opposition was Maylene Gilman, who initially addressed the council regarding an ordinance allowing the sale of alcohol and distilled spirits at downtown

events. And God, they must love her down at the council meetings. Shut the fuck up. I'm going to have a cocktail. Excuse me. Coup de fest. You know, you know at that meeting, as soon as Maylene stands up everyone goes Fucking lady, yeah, we fucking go. She's the played by the lady that plays Carla

Jean Moss's mom in your country for all bad. I doubt your dedication to sparkle motion that Absolutely The kids are just having fun, Maylene. Shut up. She quickly shifted focus to what she saw as a more troubling issue. Although she did not directly name Cudotoba or its $74,000 funding by the city,

Gilman identifying herself as a devout Christian, we know condemned the celebration, perceived pagan elements. Again, Halloween is, yeah. Yeah. I mean, true. Correct. Correct. You're a student of history, Maylene. Motion to ignore Maylene again. Hey, turns out the more you learn about Halloween's history, the spookier it gets. It turns out the more you learn about Halloween's history, the spookier it gets. Great.

Paganism is a real religion. Satanism is a real religion. And when it comes to budgeting money for worshiping other deities, so I put the grunt in, but it's cause she just sort of trails off there. Yeah. Uh, as you know, Satanism involves blood sacrifices. I love these. I love, we don't really have these kinds of people. Like we might, but no, this kind of satanic panic kind of.

We sort of skipped the whole kind of like New England, the Puritans, the people from the witch type stuff. Yeah. We kind of, we skipped the vitch. You couldn't make the vitch in Australia. I don't think you have to call it the vitch. I think it's called the vitch. It's got two v's in it. The vitch. the Vitch. I don't think you have to call it the Vitch. I think it's called the Vitch. It's got two V's in it.

I think it's the V's in it. The Vitch. The Vitch. If anything, it's more V at the front. Yeah, I'm a big aggro sad. I think it's the Vitch. The Vitch. I think he'd know.

He wouldn't have written the poster like that if it wasn't the Vitch. He wouldn't have done the poster. Maybe he got a free font and the sample didn't have a W, but if you make two capital V's. Yeah. Yeah, he's looking at the budget for his movie. Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it?

Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it?

Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it?

Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? Do we have it? of them. So kind of cuts had to be made. Yes. Deborah Garner followed, warning the council that her concerns were serious. Quote, my house was painted with blood. She said, was it? Was it? I'm not sure if it was blood, babe. Deborah, this didn't happen. I'm not sure. Deborah, this didn't happen to you.

Deborah, you're lying for attention. Deborah, come on. Garner claimed she had been stalked by our cult members for three years and found Kudatova's 2024 theme alarming, suggesting it would attract an unwanted occult presence to Inverness. Oh. Like a shadow over Inverness.

This makes it sound a lot though, like she's just casually mentioning an unrelated cult stalking. Yeah, what are you talking about? Like hooded figures? Yeah, you're being stalked by occult members for three years and I'm worried that the festivities are only going to encourage them. Do you reckon maybe some Goths live on your street? Yeah. Maybe just like a group of teen Goths live on your street. Are they vaping? And every time you walk past they point at you and go, hey, there's that miserable old fuck.

Yeah. Hey, bitch. Kids have been, they've been hissing at me. Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, what the fuck? Are they vaping? And every time you walk past, they point at you and go, Hey, there's that miserable old fuck.

Yeah. The kids have been, they've been hissing at me. Old, old bitch. Yeah, cult. Uh, quote, it doesn't matter how you look at it. This is warlock sciences. And it draws the occult community. Excuse me?

Doesn't matter how you look at it. Sciences. It's warlock sciences. This is warlock Sciences. It's Warlock Sciences. This is Warlock Sciences. I fucking love Warlock Sciences. Warlock Sciences? Warlock Sciences. You're really just mixing up a lot of stuff here.

Sciences as a plural is awesome. Yeah, that's a magical sentence. This is Warlock Sciences. We don't. I feel like since the 80s, we've not really been appreciating the word warlock. Yeah. Bring in dark magic. Yes.

This lady is clearly a big Julian Sands fan. Yeah. Or World of Warcraft Warlock main. Oh. Yeah, maybe it's probably that. Yeah. I think I'd know a thing or two about warlock science. I've put hundreds of hours into it.

Another attendee expressed frustration that the city had budgeted for Cudotoba while a church had been denied permission to hold Christmas caroling at the old courthouse heritage museum. Good. Instead, events like the vampire ball, vampire pub crawl, and a story time featuring insignificant member Lance Bass were being promoted. That's the most anti-Christ thing of all. Seemingly the expense of quote, good Christian values.

He's been to space. He knows there's no God up there. He's been to space? Lance Bass? Lance Bass has been to space. I reckon Lance Bass has been to space. That's my statement of the day. That's your belief?

Apropos of what? Apropos of, hold on a second. Lance Bass, former member of the boyband NSYNC, almost became a cosmonaut and went to space in 2002. He moved to Star City, Russia to train as a cosmonaut. Pardon? And was certified by NASA and the Russian space program. He was going to be a Russian cosmonaut. So this is something that comes up quite a lot, actually, that like private

astronauts are almost always trained by Russia. I think Russia is just much more like, you know, America's gatekeeping space. They are. No, you can't come to NASA astronaut bootcamp and Russia's like. You just pay for it in Russia. You just got the one to be cosmonaut. got the... You want to be cosmonaut? Bring the bag, you're a cosmonaut. You bring money. You brought money?

John Labriola, a candidate for seat two on the city council, also criticized the celebration, noticing a stark difference between last year's event, which focused on the Kuda turtle, and this year's darker theme. John Labia, to be honest. Yep, I guess that's true. It's becoming something dark. I come from another part of Florida when I saw this happen and they turned it over to the dark side.

We don't want that here. We don't want another Jacksonville over here. What did they fucking do? What do you mean? They turned it over to the dark side. Is there a town in Florida somewhere that's run by the occult? Yeah. By vampires.

Jacksonville. The Jacksonville vampires. I think this is actually valid. What, why are we moving away from like the Kudu turtle? It's Kudu-fest. It's Kudu-tobo. Oh, we're losing. I lost track of the fact that this is Kudu-fest.

Wait, think of the reason for the season. Yeah. The humble Kudu turtle. The humble, yeah, that's all right. The humble Cuda. I'm proposing we call it Cuto-ba. I think Lucy had an opinion on that too. I did, but I've changed my, I think it's Cudo-ween.

We're talking about Cudo-ween at this point. Yeah, Cudo-ween. Yeah. We got some spooky Cudas out there. Yeah. It's like a goddamn the cure concert. Am I right? Yep.

Huh? Gosh, ladies. I want to just take a moment to issue an apology to listeners of the show. Uh, it turns out that Lance Bass did not go to space. He, he did spend $20 million buying a seat on some journey. He was supposed to. He went to training. He got surgery to correct cardiac arrhythmia.

He did a whole bunch of stuff. He was supposed to go to space on the Soyuz TMA-1 mission to be launched on October 30, 2002. The original deal to air his documentary about it fell through in mid 2002. He then got a whole lot of backing out about payment insurance indemnification issues. All of his other sponsorships fell through including one sponsor who pulled out because they worried about their brand being tarnished if Bass were to die on the

mission. He was eventually rejected from the program and was replaced on the flight by the Russian cosmonaut Yuri Lanchakov. That's actually really sad. It's a sad story. It was his dream. His dream was crushed. It's like if they told you you couldn't be a pilot, Lucy. Was that other guy from a boy band as well?

No, I think he was an actual space guy. It was in sync, but all the letters are Cyrillic. It'd be cool though. I think we would all like it if we had a Wikipedia entry and the Wikipedia entry also had like a heading titled space advocacy. Yeah. Yeah. Good.

It'd feel nice. Labriola also pointed out what he saw as a quote dichotomy, claiming the city promoted the occult while disallowing an activity scene. That's very dichotomous, yeah. Yeah. Two things. Another resident urged the council to revert to the previous format, which was a three-day event.

Patricia Adams linked Kudotoba to the earlier discussion about allowing open consumption of alcohol at downtown events. She argued that people were straying from God and turning back to alcohol. I hate it when people stray from God. Fuck! Quote, you are barking up the wrong tree, she said, denouncing the occult and warning that the city's plans were leading to a dark place. I like this.

I think it's cute. It's really retro. It's so retro. It's crazy. People are still like this. I think it's cute. It's really retro. It's so retro. It's crazy. People are still like this. While several of the voice concerns about the occult and Kudotoba's alleged alignment with evil, one resident, Alicia McBrattney, regular American name, challenged this view. Quote, I'm not sure if I missed the memo, but is religious freedom nothing in the city of Inverness? Yes. Yes, Alicia.

Not all of us are Christians. Keep it real. Yeah, because she's a Satanist. Church of Satan type stuff. Let us put up the evil nativity scene because of freedom of speech. Fuck yeah. If I were her, I'd be saying it's McBrattney bitch all the time. Everyone would get so sick of it. We know. Fuck off. Stop announcing yourself into rooms. McBrattney explained that she was raised by parents of different faiths and that her husband is agnostic. Cool. It's like the least interesting factoid you could ever offer to a person ever. Oh, that's Glenn. That's my husband.

Glen's agnostic. Agnostic. He's unsure. He doesn't know what he thinks. Pick a side, Glen. Oh, my husband's a coward. Oh, my husband's a Libra. You know. You're an atheist, Glen. Come on. Get into the pearly gates. I never said, I never said that I didn't think you were real. Just to the record. Ask my wife. She expressed excitement for this year's Kudotoba, adding that she had already purchased her tickets for the vampire ball. So she got them like a month in advance. That's pretty dope.

Yeah, but out of all these people, who's actually supporting the city? That's him. Yes. McBrattney. McBrattney, bitch. Bitch. After the meeting, Mayor Bob Plastid acknowledged that while some concerns about the occult and certain rituals were valid, they were not relevant to this year's Cudotoba event.

Yeah, I hear your concerns. I simply do not care. Yeah, I believe there are shadowy evil forces out there and the devil is peddling his influence on us, but not at Cudotoba. The city's got to make money. Yeah. We checked also. Imagine if you were doing the, you've got to close the beach bit from Jaws, but it was about Satan and also you were right, like the guy in Jaws.

You made a little 824 indie horror movie out of that for sure. Hey, if this got any more heated, these guys might start firing guns at each other and someone might get clipped. We look at people who got clipped in the clipping report. A passenger going through check-in at Cincinnati slash Northern Kentucky International Airport was declaring their gun when they accidentally discharged it. Well, you definitely proved that it's a gun. Oh yeah.

Hey, by the way, I've got this. Bang! Oh, there it goes. I told you it was there. I just took one step back. Declaring your gun. It's just a... By the way, I have this. By the way hey oh yeah

here's my gun by the way. Oh thank you for telling us. Yeah it's gonna be in a locked hard-sided container I believe. Can you take it? Is it carry-on or checked? It's gotta go under right? They were at the check-in counter so I think they were checking it. Okay. I don't think you can take it and carry on. That makes sense. Yeah only the pilot, the co-pilot, the 10 air marshals and the Stuart Esses are strapped on the average American flight. When you say declaring your gun at the airport, I'm more picturing the way that Yosemite Sam would do it.

Yeah. He's doing a little yeehaw, he's shooting in the air. Both of them, both of them. Declaring both at once, they love that. Yeah. A 39-year-old man in Jacksonville, Florida. Ooh. Home of that. Yeah. A 39 year old man in Jacksonville, Florida. Home of the occult. Home of the occult. Was shot in the leg during a traffic stop after a police officer removed a gun that he was licensed to carry from his waistband, discharging it in the

process. Hey, let me just grab that for you. I'll just take that for you. BAM! He he he! Bang! A customer at a Chipotle in Bakersfield, California, accidentally shot themselves in the bathroom before fleeing the scene. They flee! You hate to get shot in the bathroom. Yeah. Well, because you'd be embarrassed. You'd be so embarrassed. I'd probably leave.

I'd probably just stay in the bathroom for a while. Yeah. Wait till they close. Be like, oh no, I'm shitting. I'm shitting in here. Just don't come in. I have diarrhea from the Chipotle I got yesterday. Yeah. And I'm close. Be like, oh no, I'm shitting. I'm shitting in here. Just don't come in. I have diarrhea from the chipotle I got yesterday. Yeah.

Does anyone know how to open these windows? It stinks in here. Two people in Vill Plat, Louisiana called the Vill Plat police department about a suspicious bag that had been left in their home. Upon arrival, the Vill Plat police chief discovered that the bag contained a saw-and-arf shotgun. Dope. So cool.

Such a cool thing to find in an abandoned bag. Upon removing it from the bag, the police chief accidentally fired the gun, injuring all three people. Jesus. Yeah. Well, this is so good. I don't know if you guys saw that post that was going around that I shared on Twitter of the lady with her shorts undone.

She was carrying the gun tucked into her underwear, basically. Actually, I did a clipping report this week because of that post. I was like, fuck. It does have to be someone that does. Yeah. There was a lot of people replying to me like, accidental discharges are extremely rare. I'm like, oh, are they? You're an idiot. There was a lot of people replying to me like accidental discharges are extremely rare. Oh Are they?

Sure about that Fucking Maddie is always showing me I think post from the same account of she's just like a relatively normal looking young lady who's just like Outfit of the day and then she lifts up her top and there's like a gun in there. Yeah, I'm not sure she's even conservative. She's just, she's just American. American carrying guns. Well, everyone needs to defend their fucking rights. Yeah. Doesn't matter where you fall on the political spectrum, buy a gun.

It's, it's like anything else though, where that, that lady specifically that you're talking about, Lucy, um, just, I about Lucy just I had a little scroll through her Twitter feed and was like oh it's it's your entire personality personality it's your every every single day posts a photo of what she's wearing and how she is concealing her firearm underneath and also her husband and what he's concealed carrying. Cause their dresses don't have pockets. So you can't put them in the pocket.

Am I right ladies? Yeah. So you gotta tuck it into your pussy. Get it in your hole. It's nature's pocket. You gotta wear like Spanx. You gotta wear Spanx with like a big section on the inner thigh for you to tuck a

fucking gun in there for like no reason. I don't understand the reason. Just in case. Bang. Ah. Third hole. A security guard at an elementary school in Green Township, Pennsylvania was quote, handling his gun in the faculty room shortly after 9 a.m. when the firearm fired one round, hitting a refrigerator. And school wasn't session, there were children there. But they did not change the day at all. Like they didn't send the kids home.

They didn't pause classes or anything. They just kind of kept going. But they'd have to put something over the PA, right? Students. Don't worry about it. It's fine. Issuing a everything is fine notice.uing out. Everything is fine. Notice. It was just the security guard. Yeah. It's just the guy who keeps you safe accidentally firing

his gun. Don't worry. Good news, children. The gun still works. A woman was hit in the leg by shrapnel at the wing and fish company in Charlotte, North Carolina, after a 24 year old diner got up to use the restroom and adjusted his pants, accidentally firing the gun tucked into his waistband in the process. What do you feel like for dinner tonight, babe? I really wanted some wings. Oh, fish. Fish.

Yeah. Where could we? I've got an idea. Bring the gun. Yeah. Where could we? I've got an idea. Bring the gun. Sorry, I'm not over the double-barreled shotgun found in an abandoned bag.

Is it? At someone's house, yes. Was it a duffel bag? Because that's classic. I'm assuming so. Where else are you going to put it, I guess? It's a natural fit. Hand and glove, sawed- off shotgun in duffel bag. But then the police

captain gets it out. And in my mind, I'm seeing like an isometric view of everyone in the room. And he fires it and everyone takes a hit. Yeah, it's got scatter damage. I think maybe it's just- Because it hit the scatter, right? Is that how they work? Yes. I think it's probably from shrapnel, I would say. It's almost always from shrapnel with these things. Except for the times when people just get hit by the bullet in the meat of their body,

which also happens quite a lot. God. Hey, at least no one died when that police chief fired that sawed-off shotgun. That must be a Christmas miracle. It's time for Christmas Miracle Watch. Now just heads up, this story is one of those ones where it's a transcript from a TV broadcast. So some of the phrasing and some of the stuff in it might be a little bit confusing, but I think you should be able to keep up. This is from WFMY in North Carolina. Fuck my... my yife.

Christmas spirit, neighborly kindness and the internet brought back a missing Christmas ball to its rightful owners. What? Yeah. A what? A missing Christmas ball. Anyone who's lived in Greensboro for a while knows about Sunset Hills Christmas balls. They're a holiday staple. If you drove down Elam Street during pre-pandemic, you'd be treated to an unforgettable sight.

Quote, it's a huge lighted Christmas ball. Great. Okay. At six feet wide, this ball rocked sunset hills for years. Quote, came around probably 10 years ago through cross company. They put it together. Their engineers worked on it. Are we talking about a ball here? So it's a Christmas ball.

Sort of a sphere has one, one attribute. Get into this. It's a Christmas ball? So it's a Christmas ball. Sort of a sphere. Like a ball ball or just a sphere? Get into this, it's a Christmas ball. Keep saying Christmas ball. It's a Christmas ball. It's a Christmas ball. When the ball's owners, Roger and Christie Haight moved, it became but a distant memory and a Christmas wish to the people of Sunset Hills.

But thanks to one message, resident John Kelly was about to blow the case of the missing ball wide open. What the fuck? There's a real credence to the peasant theory of the mind going around at the moment. There was a large ball here. Yeah, I missed ball. Lots came from yonder to stare at the big ball bigger than any had seen before.

Six feet? A man's height in girth. Perfectly equal in all directions. It's an entirely new kind of square. I just think people have got to... I just, I... Hey, it's Christmas. Okay.

I think our brains are getting smaller. I think something's going on Something going on. I think our brains are the same size, but it's the forever chemicals in the plastic the microplastics Yeah, so like harder on the outside now. The brain is the same weight. It's just 70% PFS Yeah, just micro plastic. Yeah, I think they're gonna find out we've also been taking on macro plastics Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing.

Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing.

Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. Quote, Nick and running of the balls was advertised for registration and my friend crazy Kathy,

she was dancing in the front. Crazy Kathy? You can't just introduce crazy Kathy so casually. I want to read this whole quote in full because it makes me feel like I have aphasia. Nick and running of the balls was advertised for registration and my friend crazy Kathy, she was dancing in the front and in the back was the ball. And I was like, damn, I wonder where that thing is. What is, is this some sort of new universe where things disappear?

If you stop looking at them, what the fuck do you mean? I think you just said it was in the back behind your friend, Crazy Cathy. Who could we make this sentence any more normal? Well, because Nick and running of the balls was advertising for registration. So yeah, but then his friend, Crazy Cathy. You can't take her anywhere. I would love to meet Crazy Cathy. She is sometimes embarrassing, but she's so much fun.

Thankfully, former resident of Sunset Hills and CEO of Cross, John King, knew exactly where it was. He's got a lot of them. He goes to the Cross website, reaches out and he says, hey, this is nothing to do with engineering, nothing to do with industrial measurement or industrial products, but I've got a question about this ball and we're like, Oh my gosh, that would be awesome. Great. Now I feel like I'm having a stroke.

You're Pontypooling us Ben, stop it. None of these sentences seem connected to each other. Do I have an acquired brain injury? I think you're acquiring one right now. It turns out the ball was still in Greensboro, tucked away at Cross headquarters. Quote, I got a response in 20 minutes and it was an email back saying, yeah, we still got that thing on a shelf in the warehouse

Oh this is six feet wide six feet wide shelf shelf. Yeah Ballroom starting this year like an ending to a sentimental Christmas movie this giant series of lights has made its way back home before the holidays And this time it's here to stay whole town doing that like for the holidays and this time it's here to stay. Whole town doing that UK football, it's coming home thing. But it's just about the ball. The Christmas ball. It's coming back, get excited everyone. Homecoming parade, they're gonna be out in the streets.

Crazy Cathy right up the front of the parade despite not being invited or anointed in any way. She will not put her top back in any way, she will not put her top back on. No, she's going with those yard glass cocktails. Yeah, she's had a few margaritas. But the whole town knows Crazy Cathy. Nobody's surprised.

Everybody's kind of shaking their head and they go, it wouldn't be Christmas without Crazy Cathy getting them old knockers out. You know? Those old ass knockers. She is 85. No point telling her to put them away because you know what the answer is going to be. You would have stayed away from her if you were a man under a certain age, you know? You know how crazy Kathy gets.

Yeah. They call her crazy because of how she was when she came out of prison. There needs to be new political theory written in response to this. Like, I like, you know, the dam's coming off of a historic, uh, defeat because they're doing like, I don't know, bank loans to using Bitcoin microfinancing. You can placate an entire town with a six feet wide ball. That's a Christmas ball. A Christmas ball. Don't diminish what it is. It's not a regular ball. That's a Christmas ball. A Christmas ball. Don't diminish what it is.

It's not a regular ball. It's a Christmas ball and it's fucking Christmas. And also I see where you're going with this Theo, but. You got to meet them at their level here is what I'm saying. I see where you're going with this. You're thinking that we could solve a lot of problems by simply allocating budget for Christmas balls to these various towns. It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be it doesn't have to be

Blinking light it could be a huge set of jangling keys in the town Square it oh the folk are getting upset turn the keys on turn the keys on This is exactly what like Dem strategists actually think of every single person that votes. You know, they're already at that level. They're already, they just don't know which keys to jangle. They just don't know. They're thinking metaphorically. Yeah. They should be. We need to get realer.

Let's get literal. Let's get real. I'm talking about a real big set of keys. Yeah. Throw out the brat t-shirt and just get the big set of keys. Let's keep it back to basics. Goddamn. Give us that big set of keys in the town square though.

Great. It feels amazing to have that be here and know that we had, you know, that all of us, literally all the employee owners across have a little bit to do with that. Thanks to two Johns and one Christmas wish. Two Johns? They called them both? Yep. Yep. This sounds like something that could probably only happen in America. We look at America very closely in America Watch.

["America Watch Theme"] America. I don't know how much more I can take. Much more America can be happening. This is Gary Joyce from WLWT in Ohio. Borrow gifts, offensive lineman, ancient Japanese samurai swords for holidays. I'm all full up. I just realised my brain doesn't work because it took me so long to understand the phrase offensive lineman.

Offensive lineman. I was like, oh, like football. Not like Blackface. What did he say? Offensive lineman are the ones that take the lides down as a sort of attack. I was trying to read ahead and see if the lineman was Japanese and it was the swords that were offensive, but no, this is the offensive linemen. Could be improved.

Japanese swords, thousand fold steel. Can we get the sentence again? I, I got to take it bite by bike. End of the year folks. I'm going to put the emphasis in the places where it? I got to take it in bite by bite. Do you want me to end of the year, folks? I'm going to put the emphasis in the places where it needs to be to make it clear which words are grouped. You know, I'm going to give you two readings. Let's go flat first.

Borrow Gifts Offensive Lineman Ancient Japanese Samurai Swords for Holidays. Now with emphasis. Borrow Gifts Offensive Lineman Ancient Japanese Samurai Swords for Holidays. Okay. I've got it. I've got it. Now with emphasis, Burrow gifts offensive linemen ancient Japanese samurai swords for holidays. Okay, I've got it. I've got it. It's not related to linemen of America. No, not the suck off guy.

The heroes. Not our precious linemen. Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow is giving his offensive linemen unique gifts ahead of the holidays. Each year NFL tradition has been for quarterbacks to get gifts for their offensive lineman with cruisers, watches and ATVs among the popular choices. I'm sorry, is this a well-known NFL tradition? Your sports people are paid too much money. Yeah.

That is crazy. What do you get the guy that's got everything? An ATV. An ATV, an ATV. Another ATV. Like this isn't like management giving gifts. This is one player giving gifts to other players. It's the quarterback. Yeah.

Just the offensive lineman. What about your kicker? You know, the same guy got an ATV last year and a Japanese sword this year because what a combo, a new era of mounted combat. The Neo-Cataphract. So cool if they let a couple of them use swords. Be fucking dope. I know not what World War III will be fought with. And you can build the second half of Theo Sentis in your own time.

Burrow, however, went in a different direction for his linemen this year, gifting members of the Beggles O line ancient Japanese samurai swords. Most wise. I believe, don't. I believe these are new swords. I don't think the swords themselves are ancient. Oh. Does the concept of the sword is ancient? Yeah.

Yes. I think that Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow just kind of automatically assumes that any samurai sword is ancient. Yes. Probably. Also, all right, so the next sentence here, the history of the custom sword dates back to the 1600s. Yes, that's true. They have been making swords this whole time. Yeah. That's not ancient. That is not really by any like historical definition. No, not at all. It's relatively modern history. Fairly modern in terms of, you know, in terms of Japanese history.

So cool to say ancient Japanese samurai swords. Imagine that you're like on the Cincinnati Bengals and then your quarterback walks in and he says, I have something for you. Oh, another ATV. Katana. Ooh. You know he's wearing like the headband and everything. He's doing the sword handing over ceremony from Kill Bill. The chances that they did not bow to each other at the end of this are about 2%. You wouldn't be able to fucking help yourself, would you?

If someone gave you a sword you're gonna bow all right? We're only human One goes to unsheathe it straight away, and I know not in not unless you never do draw blood Yes, yeah, I'd be pretty like I'd be pretty excited if someone gifted me a samurai sword. Oh my god I'd be swinging that thing around if they gifted you a what sorry loose They gifted you a what? Sorry, Lucy. Is there some times I forget that you speak Japanese. It's so beautiful. Yeah. Sometimes I just try to like subtle. I don't want to be like too obvious about it. Yeah. Like the we're saying with like a bored, annoying Australian accent.

And you're coming in with your beautiful Osaka accent. Sounds regional to me. The only way in which I would punch up this gift is that I would give somebody, I would give somebody their ancient Japanese swords, and then I would also like step back and unveil the like six to 12 watermelons that I had. Side of beef. Yep. Have a step, have a cold steel stand made to hang a side of beef from.

Oh, this might be the archetypical Buddha Vista episode. I think if I was going to punch this gift up, I would sort of take the concept of the ancient Japanese samurai sword and combine it with the revolver of the old west. So it's sort of a gun blade situation. It could be like a sort of samurai cowboy. I'd combine it with like... You need some sort of long coat or duster to conceal these weapons.

And of course, living where they're living, the fabric I would choose for this denim. Yes. All day every day. Yep. Yes. Yeah. Beautiful pair of cowboy boots

and then one of the samurai armor helmets. Thank you for your work as a defensive lineman this year. Such a dope combo. And the helmet, the helmet is like custom painted in Bengal's colors and everything, got the logo on it. Got one of those fucking the Tengu, Tengu masks? Tengu masks. Yeah. Tengu? Yeah. Is Tengu the thing you put in your pocket? Tengu masks. Tenga masks are what they're called.

Yeah, Tenga masks. Isn't that the thing you put in your pocket? That's the egg that you fuck. Yeah. Okay. One of those Tengu Tamagos. Ted Carras and Orlando Brown Jr. were among Bengal's linemen who were excited about the gifts inside the locker room on Thursday.

Yeah, I fucking bet they were excited. Yeah. We're doing a little report. Are we doing a little reporting by omission here of who wasn't excited for their gift? So what I think has happened here is, again, this is a transcript of a video and that was just them cutting to a clip, but it does in text sound like they're saying some of the linemen weren't. Yeah. Seems unlikely.

Some of the linemen were like, these aren't even as good as any of the top 10 swords in my collection. Yeah. Yes. I have so many fucking swords, dude. But you would, right? If you were on NFL money. Who was the president that had all of the swords?

Oh, that was Harry S. Truman. Harry S. Truman. Who had the Tokugugawa era samurai swords. Great quote here from another article from CBS, quote, Joe does a great job at buying gifts that are extremely meaningful. Bengal's left tackle Orlando Brown said, the fact that he bought me a sword,

it's the most ancient form of respect. As far as I understand it, that is, that is the main currency in respect that has existed since the start of time. That's like the most dude's understanding of history in the world. That's so awesome. It really is. It's very honorable.

Maybe he wants you to commit ritual seppuku. Maybe he just wants you to have it handy. Maybe you're a shitty offensive lineman. I don't know what he's about. So what if you were the guy who played worst on the team all year and then your quarterback gives you like one of the short swords? Yeah. Hey, I also got you a Wacken's Archie.

A special ceremonial mat and a short sword. Do with this what you will. Every time you fumble a play, you're just like, oh, fuck, I'm gonna have to offer my sword. The quarterback turns around and he's miming, moving his fist from one side of his gut to the other. That can't be good.

If your quarterback handed you an ancient new Japanese samurai sword, it would only be natural for you to feel that you've been granted a great honor. We talk about other natural things in Nature Corner. I was kind of imagining actually that it's a new sword that somebody has done like, you know, that that bad sort of tea stained weathered it at home before giving it to you. Like a child making a pirate's treasure map. Yeah, like singeing the edge of your sword with a lighter. This thing that I'm about to read to you, the story around it already kind of went viral, I think like a couple of weeks ago, but there's some detail here that made this really worth

inclusion to me. This also comes to us from WFMY North Carolina. A lot of North Carolina happening this week. A lot of stuff happening in North Carolina. North Carolina, a lot of stuff happening. They should get that as a state motto. Greensboro home goes viral thanks to one unique guest. Is it crazy Kathy?

She is. Put him away. She is an animal. She's not going to put him away. At first glance, 59 Kinglet Circle looks like any house currently being sold on the market near Lake Jeanette in Greensboro. Also most sane American address yet. Yes, that's like where... 59.

Kinglet Circle. Wow, really normal. Yeah. A quiet neighborhood, updated appliances and beautiful rooms. But if you walk into the living room, don't forget to say hello to Jerry. Huh? Jerry Seinfeld? That's right.

He's in there. What a unique guest. It's Jerry Lewis. He's constantly acting out his The Day the Clown Died movie script. Quote, obviously when you walk in, it's a a little shocking and when you first see it, it's bigger than you think. It's 10 foot tall and anytime you tell someone you have a giraffe in your house, they'll walk in and say, oh, that's a big giraffe said David Leatherwood.

David is the son of the home's former owner, Judy Leatherwood, who passed away last year. Yet Judy didn't just leave behind her home to her two kids. She also left them Jerry. So as you might've gleaned from that, Jerry is a giraffe. And a real giraffe. Like a giraffe. He is a taxidermied giraffe head. He is sort of the chest, neck and head of a giraffe stuffed and mounted on the wall. Hmm. Where did you get that? Oh, Lucy, what a wonderful question. Let me read this next paragraph text to you.

Quote, she went on a hunt with her boss in Africa and loved giraffes. Oh, Judy, I'm glad you're dead. This giraffe happened to be getting older and it was destructive and they were going to put the giraffe down. So my mom volunteered or they asked her if she would like to shoot the giraffe. Which she did. Yeah. Like doesn't usually reflect a love of the giraffe.

That's not how I, that's not my love language. My love language I think is words of affirmation and acts of service. I think I sort of kind of do both. Like, dooming something? Have you considered the classic saying, if you love something, set it free from being alive? Yes. Yes, release it from the cycle of samsara. Yep. Put it out of there. I actually don't think, no, it doesn't release them though. Just the cycle of Samsara. Yep. Well, out of there.

I actually don't think, no, it doesn't release them. They just get rebuilt. Yeah. Yeah. You're trapped. Okay. Shit. I think you keep thinking that it's easier than it is to escape the wheel of Samsara.

I think you're kind of underestimating the cyclical nature of life. Yeah. And like my control over desires and stuff. Yeah. Well, Lucy, you're famously free from desire entirely right now, except for desire for a big glass of wine. Oh my God, so true. Stupid. She did. Her boss had it taxidermied and sent back here, said Leatherwood.

Yeah. Your mom sucks. Leatherwood's like a cartoon-ass ivory dealer name, by the way. Yeah, Leatherwood. David Leatherwood. My name is Velvet Leatherwood. David Leatherwood. My name is Elveth Leatherwood. The son of the bad guy from the Tarzan movie. Got it.

Man. Sure. Once the home was put on the market, Jerry became a viral hit, appearing on both the Daily Mail and the Instagram account Zillow Gone Wild. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, the combination of those two is basically the same level of prestige as the New York Times.

Quote, it's made Jerry actually more famous than the house itself. My mom loved Jerry the giraffe. So should your house be famous just in another zone? Yeah, most houses are just like kind of a house. I thought they started off describing the house as unremarkable besides the fucking giraffe. Yes. Really, the house isn't doing much here. Giraffe's doing all the heavy lifting.

Jerry's doing the heavy lifting, yeah. My mum loved Jerry the giraffe and the neighbourhood. All the neighbours know about Jerry and they all want to know where Jerry is going to go because it's a close-knit neighbourhood, so it's been cool in that way that mum's legacy with the giraffe lives on, said Leatherwood. So for now, until either the home is bought or Jerry himself finds a new home, he'll be the only resident on 59 Kinglet circle. For the right person that is looking for something that when you walk in the room, it will definitely catch your eye said Leatherwood. Yeah. Not really helping the allegations of peasant mind here.

Like have you seen the death totem at 59, whatever close? I see my severed head. It's gotta be imbued with an evil energy. Yeah. Sounds like I'm- I think you're inviting evil energy into your house with this. I think your chi is fucked. Your mum murdered this giraffe.

So like, oh, I love Jerry the giraffe. Explays it as a trophy. I think they're trying to pull what the previous owners of our house did when we bought our house, which is like, it's on it. You had to get rid of that rhino head. Well, our house is like on a hill and it's three split levels. Ben's been there So there's like two flights of stairs from the front door down to the to the bottom of the house And when we bought the house, there was a full-size

Pool table on the bottom level and they were like and get this you can have the pool table completely free We were like, please Get this fucking pool table out of the house. We got the house. We got the same offer with the trampoline here. That's my worst. I keep the pool table. The pool table is so big and so fucking heavy. And I was like, let me be clear. I do not want a pool table.

And they were like, well, get this. You can sell the pool table and have the money. And I was like, if it's so easy to sell the pool table Sell it and get rid of it. I Simply could not imagine trying to carry that thing out of the house Just has any guess here, but I think the last time you told that story the podcast about six weeks ago Okay Keep it in keep it in

Alicit listeners like repetitive noises. It's kind of doing comfort. This is their comfort show. It's like watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy every Christmas. Yeah. That's right. It's like only watching Fellowship over and over again. Never watching the other two.

It's like looking at your town's big ball. Hey, I think that was definitely an episode of the podcast, Buntra Vista. This is our, uh, our last new free episode for the year before we take, um, a little two week break. We have one more bonus episode coming out for the, the, the pay bows. We'll be putting out two of our favorite bonus episodes from the year as little freebies for you guys to get you through the Christmas period. So you still got that to look forward to.

Don't kill yourself. I hope you have a really lovely end of year period. If you're like one of those office worker types and you've got like multiple weeks off work, enjoy that. If you're sort of more of a like a hardworking blue collary sort of a guy like me and you've got like multiple weeks off work. Enjoy that. If you're sort of more of a, like a hardworking blue collary sort of a guy like me, and you've got a couple of days off. If you're working the lines, maybe. Yeah.

If you're up there on the lines and then you get to come down for a Christmas lunch, uh, enjoy whatever rest, enjoy, you can find, and if you are even worse often, you get no days off whatsoever. Hey, at least you got this podcast, keeping you going, keeping you alive. We're your real friends. You've got this podcast. We're your only friends. Yeah.

You don't need your family. You don't really need them. You could just listen to us all the time. They don't love you like we love you. Oh boy. Um, we've had a wonderful year podcasting, not only to you, but with you. Cause this is a conversation that we've been making. It's a back and forth.

Um, and it's been, we've had a great time. I think this year, I reckon this is the best year of podcasting we've ever done. I think it might be the riffs that you think of when you're listening to us. Like we would think they were funny. We would kind of have a friendship in real life, but don't ever contact us to try to make that happen. One of the people that I know in real life, but don't ever contact us to try to make that happen. And if you're one of the people that I know in real life, like through a personal friendship, and you listen to this podcast, and then like weeks later, I see you in person, you're like,

oh, by the way, you got something wrong and it annoyed the fuck out of me a couple of weeks back. Leave me alone. It's Christmas. It's fucking Christmas. All right. We love you and we appreciate you. We will have fresh episodes for you in the new year. Stay safe out there. Don't let your family get you down. You are bigger than that.

You are strong. Only we love you. That's right. They are horrible. They are beyond redemption. Don't try. Reconcile. All of their opinions are wrong.

They were, frankly, they're being very uncool when they act ungrateful for the ancient swords that you have gifted them for Christmas. Yeah, that was a very thoughtful gift. It's the oldest form of respect. Oldest form of respect. Uh, we'll see you soon. Bye! Bye! See you soon. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm going to be a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a I'm not sure if I'm going to who you wanna see

So stay with me I'm gonna be who you wanna see So stay with me I'm gonna be who you wanna see I believe we won't see So stay with me So Everywhere Christmas time is here All that we could all see is a shimmering good day So share it through the day Oh, when we could always see So share it through the day