Boonta Vista - EPISODE 389: Avec Wasps

Episode Date: March 30, 2025

Lucy, Theo, Andrew, and Ben bring you: An indefinite substance that's definitely safe, cuckolding your way into a retention pond, Subway à la Francais, and close-up magic over IP. *** Outro: I Will Possess your Heart - Death Cab for Cutie *** Support our show and get exclusive bonus episodes by subscribing on Patreon: www.patreon.com/BoontaVista *** Email the show at [e-mail]! Call in and leave us a question or a message on 1800-317-515 to be answered on the show! *** Twitter: twitter.com/boontavista Website: boontavista.com Twitch: twitch.tv/boontavista

Hello and welcome to Buntavista, episode 389. I am Ben and I'm the host of Guess That Quantity, the show where contestants are pitted against each other in a competitive game of guessing quantities. With me here is Lucy. Hi Lucy. Hi, 47. Okay, you do do actually there are specific quantities you have to guess not just like. Fuck I'm so embarrassed. I knew this would

happen. You also can't swear on the air. Shit. Leave that. Lucy roughly how many planes are in the sky right now? Oh fuck. You have five seconds. Probably 5007. Wrong 15,000. How have five seconds. Probably, ah, 5007. Wrong, 15,000. How old was the oldest recorded horse in history? 34. Wrong, 62.

How far away is the binary star system Zeta Reticuli? Two light years. 39 light years. What is the population of Liechtenstein? Probably about 200,000. Wrong. 40,000 and 23. Fuck!

You are zero for four. Also with me is Andrew. Hi, Andrew. Hello. How many species of butterfly are there? More than 10. Not accurate enough. They're about 20,000.

Well, technically right. Technically right. That's all I'm going to say. People's champ! People's champ! How tall is the world's tallest statue of the pope? 2, technically right. That's all I'm gonna say. People's champ! People's champ! How tall is the world's tallest statue of the pope? Two thousand meters.

Incorrect, it is 13.8 meters tall. But imagine. But imagine. How many people have died or been injured from using a mobile phone while using a petrol bowser? Zero. Correct. You are. Wow. First quick answer of the show. Fuck yes, I watch Mythbbusters I like the hot science lady it's not on there anymore remember where they go they made aware like tight pants

and recorded her farting sorry no cuz I remember that one oh no I must have just that one for some reason is the one that really stuck at my memory How much would a room temperature leader of iridium weigh on earth 20 kilos? Oh That's close enough 22.5 kilos This is this is my best shot at any kind of numbers related thing is pure instinct. Yes vibes Also with me is Theo hi Theo also with me see sorry Hostile for no good reason Jesus aiming for a new direction in screening this kind of guy Theo what is the average length of an erect chimpanzee penis? Don't look down.

Three and a half inches. Can I get that answer in centimeters please? Oh, sorry, sorry. Two and a half. What's that? That's like two and a half. 7.9 centimeters. Incorrect, it is 15 centimeters.

Oh my goodness, they're stunting on us. Well, no. Not me. 15 centimeters? 15 centimeters. Oh my goodness, they're stunting on us. Well, no. Not me. 15 centimeters? 15 centimeters. Wait, what's that? In inches? No, I mean, it's...

Never have one that big. 6.6 inches, I think, something around that. They're stunting on us. Wow. Don't write it. What is the length of the average erect gorilla pedis? Now this is, this is trick, it's got to go down. It's got to go down.

It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. It's got to go down. Wow. Don't write it. What is the length of the average erect gorilla penis? Now this is, this is trick, it's got to go down, right?

So it's got to be 10 centimeters. About three centimeters. What? I knew one of them was small. It's super small. Is that real? Yeah, that's not us. I don't want to Google erect gorilla penis.

I might search history at the moment. Horrifying. What is the length of the average erect bonobo penis? I want to say I'm back to 7.9 cm. About 17 cm. Fuck you! And those ones are tricky because you can't go off girth. They're real skinny, right?

They are super skinny. They're crazy skinny. They're also cone-a-form. They are cone-shaped. They don't have the... Oh, they're in fundibular form? Maybe. Sorry, this three centimeter gorilla penis has really thrown me off.

I can't focus. He's the size of a man. Do you need to hold some space for thinking about the tiny gorilla penis? They don't need to hold any space. It's shorter than the average for a newborn baby in humans is what I'm reading. That's a horrible fact! That's one of the worst phrased facts ever. Don't use that compassion.

You know what this reminds me of? But slightly smaller. Horrible fact! That's one of the worst phrased facts ever. That's awful. Don't use that compassion. You know what this reminds me of? But slightly smaller. Oh, don't. Jesus. Christ. And finally, Theo, how many new Dodge Rams were sold in Australia in 2024? Oh, this is going to be upsetting. 13,000. 3,239. I would have thought it was more. 13,000 3239

No, I think that is still pretty big in the context of Australian car sales, okay Yeah takes up two lanes. I mean because people no one's buying more than one car a year generally Yeah, and that's new ones. Yeah, probably like half the population is driving. You only buy a car like once every what like 10 years or something. It's probably not that many cars being bought and sold. I don't know. I should have I guess we could guess that quantity. Maybe that could be the whole show now. We just guess quantities. That'd be fun. Sounds like fun except so Andrew won. Yeah, Andrew won by like a country mile. That's what it pissed me off. You guys are stupid. Yeah, that also pisses me off.

Yeah, let's try doing one to 200 episodes of that and see if people like it. Yeah, and then we can pivot. Yeah. Because once we get to the sort of 150 mark, we go, you know what? There's not a lot of joy in numbers. Yeah.

We could call the podcast that the joy of numbers. It's like the cover of the joy of sex, but it's... Call it number files. We're just a big old bunch of number files. Hey, to some people Andrew wedding that and not our savants might be a mystery. There are other mysteries we look into. We look into those in Mystery Liquid. Sorry, I lost the thread there. Who is it for?

I'm gonna taste the mystery liquid. I'm gonna taste the mystery liquid. I wasn't on the previous bonus episode. And neither were you, Andrew, I believe, because you were very sick. But I did edit the last one, so I got to experience a little bit of joy where there was a great cacophony happening where nearly all four of the people on the podcast were talking at the same time. But while Demi was talking, she did a pitch perfect parody of Eleanor Rigby, uh, but of sniffable billboard almost like completely under her breath. While everybody else was talking.

It's truly beautiful. Um, I did make it so that's the only audible part of the track at that part. So if you want to hear that, uh, go and listen to that bonus episode. That was chaotic. We made it work. Because Tom and Demi, I don't know if they're sharing a microphone or if they're sharing a microphone. Yeah, they're sharing them.

Like, uh, the splitters you'd get, the headphone splitters. So you and your girlfriend could listen to the same track. Yeah. So you can both listen to Death Cam for CUNY at the same time. Yeah. Exactly you can both listen to Death Cab for Cutie at the same time. Exactly. Now the vocals come in at four minutes. Are you talking about I Will Possess Your Heart? Because that's a beautiful song. Oh, fantastic song.

That's the best Death Cab song. It's the only good Death Cab for Cutie song. It's the only Death Cab song. Good Death Cab for Cutie song. It's so good. Goddamn, that intro. Why don't they make the whole song out of that intro? I don't want the vocals to cut in. Why don't they just do that song out of that intro? I don't want the vocals to cut in. Why don't they just, they just do that song for like an album. One album?

Kind of like slow evolving. Yes. Like musical pieces, just bringing in the themes, bringing in the instruments. Like. Baseline dropping in and out. Piano sort of falling and coming back in. Put a horn section in there. Go crazy.

I don't know who it all allied on this point. That was really... Yeah, I kind of like Big Spee Canyon Bridge too from the same album, but yeah. Not a fan. This is from WSYR in Syracuse, New York. The wiser. Non-toxic substance found in envelope at Marcy Correctional Facility. Oh, what's the problem? Okay. Great. I find non-toxic substances all the time.

Yeah. Put a non-toxic substance in my coffee this morning. What do you want? Yeah. And then you put some coffee in. That's the world's biggest drug. Yeah, it's a drug. Yes.

It keeps us productive. Yes. And then they give us the pills. Yes. The light COVID. Take away our cures. I started off with a drug called coffee and then I put in something more addictive than heroin.

That's right. Sugar. Yes. They just sell it to you right there in the grocery store. They're even giving it to babies. They're giving it to kids. An unknown non-toxic substance was found in an envelope at Marcy Correctional Facility on Thursday, March 27th.

Oh. The New York State Department of Corrections and Community Supervision said a sergeant at the prison picked up an envelope while she was doing rounds. That's right. It was a woman. Wow. She discovered that the envelope had an unknown substance and the area was cleared. I want to know how they got to unknown but non-toxic. That's my question. Yes. Right. We don't know what it is, but it's perfectly safe to put in your mouth.

The surgeon started to feel ill and was taken to a local hospital. Started to feel ill because of the non-toxic substance, right? Because of the non-toxic substance, yeah. We did some tests and there's no toxins in there. Yeah, that's awkward, isn't it? Sergeant Baby. None that science can detect anyway. Yeah, that's right. But cop's immune systems are different to ours.

They've evolved. True, they see fentanyl on site and die. That's right. I think they have a whole new kind of immune system, Theo, that has evolved, uh, where the danger increases based on how scared you are. I guess. Like, like there's two, there's two meters. One is how scared you are and the other is your immune system.

And they just work in complete opposite to each other. So maybe there's more in common with us and them than we thought. With us in cups. We are more like cups than most people think. Yeah, we share 98% of 50. Sometimes I almost think they're human. You know how in Dune when Paul first ingests the water of life, he changes the molecular structure of it to make it non-poisonous.

Non-poisonous. That's right. That's the test of the the? Kazaia headrest. The Kazaia headrest. Perfect. Yep. That's the test of the car seat headrest. I think maybe that comes to the opposite, is that they can see the molecular structure of Fetcher that they make it vastly more toxic to people.

I think it's even better than that, Ben. I think they take a completely non-toxic substance and transmute it into fentanyl. Yes. Turning hair cream into fentanyl. They can turn water into fentanyl. The miracle of the fentanyl. Oh my God, he's the lengthening of the way.

Miracle of the fence. Oh my god. He's the lengthening of the way Local hazmat was called was called to the scene and test the substance which ended up being done toxic according to do CCS Yeah, that's Where come there might have been calm that's the funniest answer funniest answer It's so awesome to be like, Oh, feeling pretty woozy. Got to take the rest of the day. And then you come in the next day and they're like, nothing. There was absolutely nothing. Yeah.

Hey, that stuff that made you all faint. Totally fine. Yes. Don't even worry about it. Scientists all concurred. You're a pussy. Lucy, you're roughly my age. You would have been in high school when they did the cervical cancer vaccine thing.

They did. It's like just you went to school one day and all the ladies got the jab. We had like a, I don't want to call it a mass hysteria because of the sexist connotations of using the word hysteria. But like- Oh, hang on. Hysteria. I think hysteria is of the sexist connotations of using the word hysteria. But like, I think hysteria is actually fine. Oh, that's okay. I think, yeah, I think it's a fine one. Oh, it's just saying being hysterical.

I think histrionics is rooted in misogyny, but hysteria isn't, I could be wrong. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm absolutely talking shit. Sorry, continue. I think hysteria is rooted in misogyny. But we had like a thing where everyone was just like, oh my God, I'm feeling very sick after getting the jab. From the Gardasil vaccine, really?

Yeah. And like nearly all of the women in my year group just like went home. They got a day off? Yeah, they got the rest of the day off. Oh, that's really smart. Maybe some people experienced some side effects. I don't know. You get side effects from all kinds of vaccines.

I felt like shitty after a flu shot, you know, it happens. But this could have also been part of the, you know, beautiful, almost supernatural communing between women where they all suddenly identified the possibility Exactly. of getting to go home early. Of getting to go home. And then you share that with your sisters.

Yeah. Yes, that's the beauty of the sisterhood. Everybody syncs up and goes, Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, they synced up. They synced up? The ladies? Yeah.

Yeah. I have just realized there's- For good reasons. For good reasons. One listener of this podcast who was in my high school, in my year group, who is a lady, if I've remembered that entirely wrong, text me and let me know. I might've just made that up.

One person feedback panel. That's right. When they start to feel woozy, I bet they may be called a doctor. We have our own doctor, Dr. Lucy. It's time for Paging Dr. Lucy. Can I just stress that anything that comes up on this segment is medical advice? Yes. Yes, we are experts. And every bit of financial advice offered on this podcast is financial advice in a legal

sense. Legally binding financial advice. This comes to us from WJBF in Georgia. Angry husband chases threatens man with gun in Columbia County. Let's go. I love this. A little old school. I'm assuming, I'm assuming this is a cheating situation. Potentially.

Yes. It's cheating flavored. Certainly. If I was chasing someone with a gun, I'd fire one in the air every now and then. I think that would really spice it up. Yeah, but I'd also be yelling, get back here, bang bang! Come closer, bang! Come back towards the sound of the gun!

I'd say, don't worry, I have more bullets. I'm over here, bang bang! I'd count off the number of bullets that I have left just so that they know it's not empty yet. Bang, nine. Bang, eight. Yes. Bang.

Seven left for you. A Columbia County man told deputies that he was chased by an angry man who accused him of sleeping with his wife. Beautiful. Reports say the victim left Fort Eisenhower Tuesday night and was headed home to Augusta on Gordon highway when a truck began riding next to him, flashing its lights and trying to wave him down. The man slowed and rolled his window down and heard the other man say,

you're sleeping with my wife. Oh, right now? He's doing the roll down your windows motion. Roll down your window. Roll down your window. You're fucking my wife. I've been putting a ring on a finger and then I've been putting a finger through a sort of a hole I'm making.

I'm making a ring with my thumb and forefinger. I'm putting my wedding ring on my wife's finger, but then this is the sex move. I'm kind of doing a sex gesture, but you're a little confused because like, you've just got to pay attention to what finger I'm putting it through. Yeah. I think you've got to go point to the guy and then mime the sex gesture because he's the one having sex. Then point to yourself. And then point to yourself. My wife. But you're mimeing putting the ring finger on. Yeah, which is confusing. They're very similar gestures, aren't they?

They're very similar gestures when you think about it. That's interesting Yeah, you're you're you you point him fucking sex motions You got to do a couple of positions so that he really gets what you're talking about My pointing yourself and then you gotta do like a Bugs Bunny style quick change To like something up your shirt, you know You tie a little tie a little knot in the bottom of your shirt. Tie your ears up into a sort of feminine hairstyle. Put a little bit of makeup and everything. Just so he knows that you're not talking about yourself. Put like a little tea towel on your head to show that you're a woman like guys do on

TikTok. Put some thigh highs on, see how it feels. Shave your legs real quick. You don't want him to think that you're saying, you're fucking me. Yeah, no. No, you want to, you you wanna do a quick artistic representation of your own wife. You're fucking me and I'm married?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember anything about that. You're fucking my wife's husband. The wife of my husband is me. The husband of my wife is me? Yeah, the husband of my wife is me? Yeah. The victim told the man he had the wrong guy, then detoured towards Harlem to lose the angry

man. You don't want to end up in a news story just being referred to as the angry man. Yeah. No. I would have liked it if they had have capitalized it. Maybe. I don't know. Would you tell the news if he was correct?

Yeah, I was fucking his wife actually, but he shouldn't have done that, which is true. Now in my defense, she enjoyed it. We all had a great time. The victim reportedly found an empty parking lot and turned off his lights. That's when the suspect opened the door and pointed a gun. Even with the lights off. It's like the predator. Good thing to try though. The victim floored the car and ended up in a retention pod near the parking lot.

Oh, that's no good. That's a bad Tuesday night. Yeah. It's a horrible Tuesday night. Everyone, I think everyone sees themselves much cooler in the situation where they've got to put their foot down on the accelerator. It's hard. Nobody dreams of landing in the retention pot. No. Yeah. No. It's like that, that, that, who's that, that like streamer that bought a McLaren and then floored it and then drove it straight back into the

side of the McLaren. Oh my god. Really? Yeah, very funny. I try not to learn anything about any streamers. Or Elon Musk destroying his... I think that might have been a McLaren F1. He's like, hey, check this shit out. But he's a huge nerd loser. He flipped it. Yeah, he hasn't. Unlike me, I've played thousands of hours of driving games. So I think if I was ever in like a high performance car,

I think I would actually just drive it sort of like perfectly I'd be bad so I just I don't buy a McLaren for that reason yes because I'm standing in limitations how to drive it yeah yeah but what if you were a billionaire and that means that you've gotten there in life by doing everything right and perfectly yeah yeah if I was a billionaire I think I'd probably get my Yeah. What if your life has no limitations? Yeah. If I was a billionaire, I think I'd probably get my current car, like ship of thesis. So it's still my car, but just all the parts are new and it all works. Yeah.

And it doesn't make any like weird noises anymore. Yeah. But also no one kills you for having a Subaru. Oh, you're not going to get the parts replaced until it is a McLaren F1? Putting a, I bought this before I knew it was a Nazi sticker on my Super Roo fighter. My Super Roo of Thesians. Everyone's just like, everyone behind you like firing up Wikipedia.

Super Roo founder? Founding year. Founding country. 1943? Oh no. The Imperial Emperor. country. 43? Oh no. The Imperial Emperor. Jack Reacher never ended up in the retention pond. I just downloaded the first season of Jack Reacher. Is this a show that is good? I've heard Reacher's good. I've been hearing things about Reacher.

I've heard the man is large. I like the first season, Ben. I think. Does it drop off after that? Second one's like, it's a different book. I wasn't enjoying the vibe quite the same, but I like the actor. I like Alan Richson. He's good gears. Big boy.

He's big. Everyone's talking about that hefty lad. Have you seen Guy Ritchie's fucking unwieldy name Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare? That sounds like shit. No I think I've missed the last like seven Guy Ritchie movies. He's banging them out. The last one I saw was King Arthur. Yeah I think the last one I saw was Snatch. Do you do anything after Snatch? No. Okay. Oh you didn't get to see Rock and Roller? No Revolver? I actually might have seen Rock and Roller and forgot everything about... No, Rock and Roller's pretty fun.

Gerard... I like Rock and Roller. What's... Butler. Butler? Is that him? Yes. Alright.

I remember one thing about Rock and Roller. I really thought Toby Kebbell was going to have a cracker of a career after Rock and Roller. Yeah, Toby Kebbell was the name a cracker of a career after rock and roll Everyone's saying Toby and boy he's been in Good looking guy Wasn't he on white lotus? Maybe I've seen it. Is it the guy that takes his shirt off and all this guy from always in Wrath of the Titans The guy that takes his shirt off in all the GIFs. Oh, he's in Wrath of the Titans! Yeah, and he's in stuff where he has to do an American accent, and it's as good as when Jason Statham has to do an American accent.

Jason Statham's not really an actor though, is he? Toby Kebbell, never seen this man before. I have no idea who this is. No, I haven't seen him. Roll the roll, I think. Oh, he's in that? Do you remember, I don't know if you saw this, it might have just completely slipped under the radar maybe, but David Bowie's son in the movie, in the year 2016 made a Warcraft movie. He did, yeah.

Oh yeah, I'm familiar with the Warcraft movie. Oh man, I watched it once and it sucked us so bad. I read a thing recently. Am I the only person who hasn't seen Duncan Jones's Warcraft movie? Yeah, why did you sleep on that? Who's the... I know it's Blizzard, but is it like Activision that publishes World of Warcraft? Yeah, it's Activision.

Yeah, because I saw like an interview the other day where they were talking to like one of the very senior execs from Activision and he was like, man, that fucking movie set us back like 10 years. It was like they spent so much money on that piece of shit. Yeah, wasn't it really expensive? Yeah, it was very expensive and I think they probably thought it was going to do like Avatar kind of numbers. Why would they think that? It doesn't have the heart of Avatar.

It doesn't have the soul, that's right. Yeah, and it commits one of those awesome sins of being both terrible and also doing the whole movie and then going, and now we're ready to start a long series of movies. And then that's the end of the whole thing. Yeah. Do you guys reckon you could name who the top build actor in Warcraft is? No. Just as a hint, he's playing Anduin Lothar, the military commander of the human forces

at Stormwind, Kingdom of Nazaroth. Is he the Vikings guy? Oh, you're good. Is it the guy from Vikings? I don't know what his name is. He's Australian. What's his name? Is he Australian?

He owns a brewery in Australia. So this is a movie that costs like $250 million to make, right? Who's the guy up front? So Toby, Toby Kibble is recognizable, but unfortunately he is playing a CGI orc. His name is Travis Fimmel. Travis Fimmel. I had no idea that he was Australian. And Toby Kibble in one movie? You got Kibble and Fimmel. Travis Fimmel. I had no idea that he was Australian. And Toby Kibble in one movie?

You got Kibble and Fimmel? Holy shit dude, there's a new Fimmel and Kibble joint. God, what a picture. So Travis Fimmel owns a brewery called Traveller. And I don't know what they're doing now but when they first launched they only made one beer and a guy that I know who had previously been a rep for like smaller sort of craft brewery started working as the rep for them and because they only sold the one beer he'd just come around like every six weeks and be like do you want to try it again?

Or... You mean this beer? Fuck off! What the fuck? Why did you do that? Because it's cheap and it's it's three and a half percent. That's fucking ridiculous. You have to understand my requirements. There are other mid-strength beers out there. T-R-A-V-L-A. Traveler. Traveler. Disgusting. And that's independently brewed. It is registered with the the

IBA I believe. It's got the little thing on there yeah look it's fine it's not terrible it's terrible it's a lager yeah I mean because you love Travis Fimmel your big female head I was a little head before I knew that traveler was by him now I've got a I'm going back for more I was like 17 bucks for a six-pack right like that's very independently brewed mid-strength six pack? If Travis Fimmel was repping the brand himself, like if he popped in and was like, Hey, do you want to try this? I'd buy it. It was Travis Fimmel. He was in the Warcraft movie.

Yeah. Apparently he's in the Warcraft movie. But previously I was purchasing a beer called Send It and I had to kind of swallow my, swallow my sense of embarrassment every time I purchased it. Is that the Session Ale from Black Ops Is that the session ale from Black Ops? The session ale from Black Ops, yeah. Yeah, well that's awesome. The big fruity. Look, I don't want to, I don't want to make it weird.

Are you Travis Fimmel from 2016's Warcraft? Did you, are you, it's Andrew and Lothar! Holy fuck! The victim jumped out of his car and ran towards nearby woods to hide from the angry man. The angry man. I love that they continue to call him the angry man for the rest of this article. You've got to pick one thing and then keep it consistent so people can keep track of who's who.

So there's the victim and the angry man. Not saying that this guy did or didn't fuck this guy's wife either. No. Like it's absolutely unclear. It says that he said you've got the wrong guy, but I don't think he had the wrong guy. I, yeah, I think I wouldn't want to really hash that out personally. I am also for the running away and hiding in the woods option. After you've crashed your car into a retention pond.

My ass would be, you got to hear two sounds. One, me hitting the retention pond. Two, me hitting the retention pond. Two, me hitting the woods. Look, I'm with you here Theo, where I think once the gun comes out, that's not really the time that I want to like stop and hash the whole thing out. Yeah, this guy's got like the red berserk status above his head. I'm gone. And also something about the presence of a gun being pointed at one of the two parties does present like a little bit of a

Power imbalance. Yes Yes, we talk about this sort of thing need to discuss this If one of you in the relationship have a has a gun and the other one doesn't it's no good There's probably no good this power balance. I don't want to get all tumbler II here But I think that it's just not starting off on a good footing. Yeah. Imagine, like, that's just such a crazy night, is that you get home and you're like, holy

fuck, you won't believe what happened to me. Why are you so wet, your wife says? I got chased down on the highway. A guy started pointing a gun at me, crashed into a retention pond, car is ruined, ran into the woods, and you're telling this to that guy's wife cuz you're fucking her See I was picturing the guy comes home he's soaking wet and he's like, oh my god, he's out of breath Sweetie you remember your husband you won't believe the day I've had he is so paranoid You gotta leave him for me this guy's leave the day I've had. He is so paranoid. He is so paranoid.

You got to leave him for me. This guy's toxic. You've got to leave him. Dump him, sweetie. Toxic behavior. Getting home to your own wife. Oh, I wouldn't believe the night I've had you soaking wet. The truck, it's in a retention pond about two miles away.

This guy just ran me off the road. No, he didn't say why. He was completely silent the whole time. Very strange. Some people just crack. I think a guy was just falling down at me. He was just sort of falling down. After I went bowling, after I've been bowling this evening, this guy just

tried to run me off the road. You know about my Tuesday night bowling league. I'm pretty stinky from that pond, so I better have a shower. that pond so I better have a shower. He said he waited for the angry man to leave before attempting to get his car out of the retention pond but it was stuck. What if his status changed from angry to like regular while you were waiting? Do you think he'd come back out? If you saw the berserker indicate I'd leave?

Yeah, if he's walking around there going like, must have been the wind? Must have been the wind. Yeah, must have been the wind. Yeah. He stopped noticing you. He's just starting to walk back and forth again. Yeah. You can just walk past him. Just stay out of his cone. Stay out of his detection cone and you'll be fine. Just gotta go stealth mode. Just crouch. Some cardboard box you could use maybe.

Wait for him to enter his sleep status. Just going through a loading screen zone. hold control of the crouch and get away from the cuckold and angry man. Just like side walking, trying to get past this guy. A witness told deputies that he heard gunshots in the parking lot and called 911. He said he saw a black SUV and red sedan leave the parking lot. No word on who the suspect was. The victim was not injured. Well, that's good.

You should probably find that guy because I don't think he's like, okay. No. So I want you to have like a chat with him. Yeah. Hey. Hey, I think your coping mechanisms are kind of bad. And have you tried just talking to your wife? Maybe talk to your wife.

Also, you maybe have face blindness. Yep. Or you correct. And to be honest, it would be easier to have this conversation with you if you weren't pointing a gun at me. Yeah. I'm assuming this guy just engages with every conversation like this. You're fucking my wife.

Well, they changed a lot of laws in the state where like you can, you can, uh, you can like open carry to work in a lot of places now. So imagine, you know, your boss comes into your cubicle, got a second for a quick chat and you spin around in your chair with the gun already drawn. Hey, what's up? Hey, you fucking my wife? Did you fuck my wife today? I don't want to belabor this point too much.

You guys just like see maybe three or four headlines a day from the US and just Go like oh Yeah, there's the psychic miasma Kind of just like yeah permeating. Yeah, I think it's good on the worst day of your life to own a gun Yeah, I don't think that's helpful to the situation Yeah, I think on the worst day of your life you go like if I had if I had a gun, I'd fucking do something. But I don't. But you don't. So you sort of get rid of that one. Tell them to go bowling.

That's right. Maybe if someone fucked your wife, you could take that anger and channel it elsewhere. Yeah. Onto like what else is going on in society? What do you look like higher up the sort of the pyramid of causes? Yeah, maybe the relationship struggles stem from like somewhere higher. Yeah.

From capitalism. From systemic causes. And who's the king of capitalism? Who's Mr. Capitalism? Who's Mr. Capitalism? Who's like the boss of capitalism? Who caused this whole thing? If you cut off the head, the snake will die.

Yes. Cut off the head head the snake will die yes and the snake sucks so that's kind of what you want kill the head vampire it sucks Mondo time imagine imagine if you saw a snake and the snake wasn't even leveling up its own video game characters yeah that's weird I'd like to cut that snake's head off. Another separate snake on a treadmill somewhere. Hey, uh, encountering random hostility. Sometimes that happens when you're driving home, and sometimes that happens when you go to Subway.

It's time for Subwatch. Ooh, it's chilly out there. Hey. Sorry, I know you're closing soon, but can I get a Sorry, let's say sub which I don't know where I got sub-watch. Sub-watch. Sub-watch. What sort of portmanteau would that even be? It could happen to anyone, Ben. Don't even worry about it.

Sometimes you just got to say a word weird. All of a sudden you hear it about it. The side-apses are going to get twisted and it's fine. Yes. And it's not like you need a couple of weeks of everyone discussing it in a place that you regularly visit. You volunteered that information, by the way. That's on you, pal. Bread.

Bread? Bread. Bread. This is, of course, the segment where we look at reviews of Subway sandwich restaurants, is that what we'd call them? And as far as you know, that's all the show has ever been. That's right. It's been so hard not to just do this constantly.

I'm learning so much about the world. It's really fun. Because it's like, and you barely even have to squeeze this for some like horrible stories to ooze out. Like, so it was like, oh yeah, I checked my hometown and also yeah, there's Psycho. Mount Tambourine. Mount Tambourine, the most peaceful place on earth. So tranquil.

So tranquil. You go into a clock shop, you listen to the tick tock of time passing. Then you go in and someone's got a fucking shirt front you in a subway. What? Just don't, I don't want to draw any conclusions from this because I can't, I don't have enough information, but why is it always rude women specified? Rude girls. I think they only hire rude girls at Subway.

Yeah. Oh, like rude girls? Like, the jungle sense of them. Exactly. Now I have sourced all of these from France. These are French reviews. Oh, the majority of which are translated from French. Now, Andrew, I was wondering if you might do us a favor and read these out,

because you have sort of a very impressive ability to capture the essence of a nation and I thought maybe you could do this. Is it really open for launch? Waited 10 minutes at noon and saw strange person. Dot, dot, dot. In France. Okay. What are the odds?

Like just peering through the window and then you see a ghostly apparition go by. Is that what we're talking about? Pretty sure. Very nice weather. You got waiters in the subway there? I think there is a slight translation thing here where they probably just mean server. Yeah, yeah. Very nice waiter, nothing to say, but I've never seen a waitress like that.

I don't ask for meat or fish, but she give me tuna anyway and says to me, you know better than me? Yes. Yes, they got everywhere. It's universal. It's universal. They get the rude French pictures as well. Just tell you what you want. Oh, they got French slags? Oh. Rude enough. You're rude enough to offend your French customers?

The fountain is water, whatever drink you take. The welcome is not welcoming at all. The staff is bitter and speaks to you in a hearty way that makes you look down on yourself. The premises are unsanitary and the sandwiches are not even good. Oh my God. This is, this is a French person experiencing their own tiny slice of Paris syndrome. How does it feel, French boy? I was going to say, I've never been to France, but this is like the way that France has been described to me in every single way. The premises are unsanitary.

Everyone is bitter and speaks to you in a haughty way. Yeah. They will look down on you for your food order. Makes you look down on yourself. Yeah, like you've internalized it so much that you've come to not respect yourself anymore. I honestly think these people are having an internal thing. They always say that they go into Subway and they were judged for their sandwich order. They were looking down on me.

They were making fun of my sandwich. That's never happened to me because I'm comfortable with what I'm ordering. Yes. No one can make you feel bad without your permission. Without your permission, exactly. ordering. Yes. No one can make you feel bad. Without your permission. Without your permission, exactly. Yes. Maybe every subway is a mirror, you know? A dark mirror?

Reflects the dark heart of the subway posters so back to themselves. And if you're pure of heart, nothing to worry about. Exactly. I'm looking at myself in the twisted fun house mirror of subway and going, He looks funny. That's a good sandwich actually.

I made the sandwich perfect. I think if I saw the alien duplicate of myself at the end of an isolation, we'd hug perfectly symmetrically. Yeah. Hey, dope. Come here. Yeah. What's up brother? Imagine the two of you like clinking your beer cans together.

You're a little bit hard. I saw that. The hygiene of the toilets is terrible. The toilet paper is placed on the trash can. The floor, full of urine. One of the recurring waiters deliberately destroys the sandwich. For example, adding too much sauce quote for laugh I got the French Joker

just you know what it'd be funny you're putting a pint of sauce on this cunt sandwich elbowing the person next to you go You got half a bottle of sauce. I call this trick the too much sauce. The sauce ground. Waitress sales rather unpleasant and not very diligent in their work. As a bonus, circulation of rodent type individuals in the kitchen. Are they ratatouilleing it? They're ratatouilleing it at French Subway? Do you ratatouille-ing it? They're ratatouille-ing it at French Subway? Did you ratatouille this sandwich?

I've got to ask everybody in every French restaurant that. Let me bring something out. Did a ratatouille work on this? I love the ambiguity here so much. Are you talking about some rat-faced Subway employees? Or... Or... Or...

Or... Or... Or... Or... Or... Or... Rodent type individuals. Or... Mice. Rats. Unsure. Could be another member of the rodent family. Hamsters. Monkeys. I think they're keeping their nastiest cunts out the back. Oh my god, there are monkeys in there.

The monkey. The bread is soft like the poor wetters in their impersonal uniform. Fucking Victor Hugo over here. soft like the poor waiters in their impersonal uniform. Can I ask if part of the reason for this is because when we had Milo on, we had like a bunch of reviews from UK subways, but one of them was left by a French person. And the French person's review was full of so much more pathos than Ennui. Yes, that did lay a little egg of an idea inside my brain. I wondered. Because yeah, the translation just, it works so nicely.

The bread is soft, that's what it's for. Go back to your fucking baguette Frenchie, alright? But if that's what you want, you're in fucking France. Go next door. Go to a bakery. Go to a pettisserie. What are you doing in Subway? You fucking idiot.

Fucked up. The employee doesn't care about the world and he's slow and he does it on purpose. He's French. He has ennui. He has ennui. The guy has fucking ennui. He has ennui. The guy has fucking ennui. Why are you in Subway?

You feel like he hates you because he does. You hate each other. It's the natural order of things in the Subway. Correct. Disaster! I came today, I was served by a waiter who forces me to choose things that I don't like. How is there so many people having this experience in a subway? Never have I been told what I want to have on my subway.

I think it's because I'm ordering correctly. I'm ordering the correct sandwich and you aren't. Yes. You're in sync with the subway employee, whereas these people are in opposition. And that opposition makes people react. Yes. You need to embrace your sort of platonic ideal in society. You need to stop trying to push yourself out of it. Take the sandwich as it comes.

We're all brothers. Aren't we? Yes. Aren't we? Spaceship Earth. You know, if I was on a spaceship with everyone, we're traveling through the galaxy at tremendous speeds. Which we kind of are when you think about it.

Which is fucking crazy. Would I try and harm my crew members or would I try and help them? Would we not try and help each other to get? I don't know where we're going. I got no idea. I'm just here for this crazy ride. Let's all get along. I'm trying to get promoted ahead of my crew members and become the boss of capitalism. Oh, sort of like the Admiral of Spaceship Earth. Yeah.

I hope nobody cuts my head off like a traitorous snake. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's why we kicked in on these stories, being able to flip out in publics, because they've gone space crazy on Spaceship Earth. They've gone space crazy on Spaceship Earth, which is hurtling through space. So this next one is kind of terrifying. is kind of terrifying. The toilets are murky, the reception room is small and austere, not to mention the room in the basement. What are you doing in the basement? The reception room? The basement? You tell me you've got a basement and there's one small child down there that must be punished so that society can flourish? You might have accidentally wandered into a funeral parlour. Yeah.

I think they got O'Mealus. They got O'Mealus in the basement of that subway. Walk away from it. And the prices are really unclear. There are numbers everywhere. Yeah, those are the prices, brother. Walk into a shop and be like, oh, they're, oh, these numbers. I'm overwhelmed with numbers. Sacrebleu. Three, five, 12.

It makes me sick. The smallest sandwich I have ever eaten at all the subways I have visited. How small we reckon? How small? Two inches? Sometimes they call it six inch, but it's actually more like 5.2. This is the smallest sandwich I've ever seen. I didn't think they came this small.

Wow. I'm, I'm comparing this to the size of a baby's penis for some reason. Your wife begging you to stop using that as a unit of measure. Oh, this is kind of like two babies dicks long. But in Subway's defense, as we know from the previous review, this is while it's soft. As we know from the previous review, this is while it's soft. The drinks dispenser is invaded by wasps. Forced to evacuate the premises because the wasps start to attack us.

I strongly advise against. Holy shit. The subway store within those walls is a nexus of suffering. Yes. Yes, you've entered a portal into the... you're in the fucking Twilight Zone. Yeah. You've gone... you've used the Event Horizon warp drive and you, while you're waiting to get your sandwich made and leave the sandwich you are traveling through hell You have arrived in Satan's antechamber

I mean, it's fucking wasps like what are the odds of that happening? There's like that's got to be the only time that has ever happened in a subway surely Yeah, you can't really put that on the review as though that's reflective of this subway like yeah It's not like that would be a trend or is it often invaded by wasps Who could say? Next review. Horrible! Drink machine filled with wasps!

Impossible to serve yourself! Not great sandwich! Stop going to the wasp subway! Adding a not great sandwich to the end of that! Oh, you have the subway for lunch? Did you go to the one with all the wasps? She's still ordering your subway and the fucking wasps nest buzzing around the tree. Did you go to the subway that is avec wasp? Or sans wasps?

I'm heading out for lunch. I hope they have dealt with the wasp situation. 10 minutes later. Sacrebleu. Horrible. Very unpleasant weather. Even a braggart and a scammer. What was he bragging about? isn't wetter, even a braggart and a scammer.

I have a very expensive car. I put the wasps in the drink machine. That was me. I'm the wasp man. I can make the customer accept any ingredient I want. Now this last one is not translated from French. This one was written in English. This is it in its mother tongue. But it's still about a French store?

Wait, I believe this is from the subway that is closest to the Eiffel Tower. Now, do you think that this was written by a native English speaker? I can't recall. Okay. I'm going to guess from a little context cue here that it's a tourist who does speak French but they are recalling their interaction in English. I popped in to quickly get a cookie because I had somewhere I was rushing to. You know how it is. Yeah.

I'm on my way. I'm half an hour late. I need my way. I'm half an hour late. I just need a cookie. Raspberry cheesecake. In and out. When I got in, I met a long line and I joined. After about 10 minutes of delay, partly due to two of the attendants arguing over the sandwiches they were serving, it got to my turn and I told the young lady there I didn't need to stay on the line for a sandwich if all I wanted to buy was cookies. I said thank you and looked over to the guy who was like the cashier because we were paying to him. I'm starting to get the flavor of someone English as a second language.

I asked him in French, said I would like to buy cookies. He looked at me with as much irritation as would be accorded someone you wish would disappear. Again, he's French. Just going to grab a couple of cookies. Get out of here. Fuck off. He said he couldn't hear me. It's a great bit.

I can't hear you. I'm sorry, he're completely inaudible. Sorry, huh? What? You are a ghost. I cannot hear you. Mouth moving, no noise. I think you might have muted yourself. You said you wanted a 10 baby penis BMT. Is that what you said? Oh, actually, sorry. Just a brief digression. Apparently, I don't know if this

was just a thing from the reviews, but it might be just a European thing. They do measure the subs in metric over there. Because we hear one of the few things, we measure two things in three things in feet and inches in Australia, the length of a boat, the height of a man and the subway sandwich. The length of a boat, the height of a man and subway sandwich. Length of a penis. Yeah, exactly. Four things. Seems weird to say a penis in centimeters, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does. But the number's bigger, so that's kind of nice. Yeah, and people don't know it's a train or what. They don't hear it and go, that's small. They hear it, they go, huh. You see them doing some quick calculations and then they go, oh that's small. Oh, that's small Oh, that's smaller than I thought it would be. They're calling them a sub 15 and a sub 30 Instead of a six inch sub and a foot long sub. Don't like that. Hmm. Yeah uncomfortable He said he couldn't hear me so I repeated my request and very slowly so he could hear. And the next thing, he took cookies, put it in the paper bag and shoved it at me and told

me to leave. I said, I am a paying customer and didn't come to beg and I extended my hand to pay him but he insisted I should just leave. Just fuck off with the cookies. Take the cookies and fuck off. I'd rather get fucking fired than deal with you for another second. I'm reading more into this like I repeated my quest my request very slowly. So yeah, that's always a bad sign. American tourists talking like this guy's an idiot. Yes.

I was still thinking what to make of his attitude when the young lady intervened and asked him to stop his attitude and take my money. He took it reluctantly and I left. What could have possibly transpired from the point of view of this cashier that they're just like, I'm so sick of your shit. Get out. Take the fucking cookies and leave. I would have taken the free cookies. Yeah. I would have taken the free cookies. Yeah. I would have been like, cool. I would-

Free cookie. I'd wear the, like the rage and disrespect of a French man in exchange for free food. Probably. Probably. Like if all it meant is that someone out there fucking hates me to the core of their being, and I got like two free cookies. Yep. That's always someone I'm never ever going to see again.

You don't have to go back to the store. If I'm in, if I'm in France, I feel like my guard is up. So if they're like, Oh no, no, you have to get out and not pay for this. I'm thinking what's the cost. Yeah. There's no price, but what of the cost? What is the cost? It's spiritual, it's a spiritual cost. I'm thinking, I'm thinking if I come back in here

every time are they gonna be free? Yes. Yeah, if I'm rude, do I just get more free stuff? Yes. Yes. You got a fucking scientific method that stuff. You've got a hypothesis. Yes. Go in, get free cookies. Try it a second time.

It turns out the cost is that the moment that you leave, you get hit by that guy on his moped on purpose. Yeah. Yeah, just take the cookies. Yeah, they're all yours. No consequences. No cost. Don't worry about it. Bam! Ah, the strange things that happen at Subway make it almost seem like a place where magic happens in a way. We look at other things that are magic oriented in Magic Watch. I think Subway is sorcery, just personally. Wood sorcery surely falls under the larger umbrella of magic. I think it's mostly vibes based. This was from r slash magic. This was from r slash magic hiring a magician for online discord call. Oh my

God. Now I put the question mark there in the rising inflection in how I did that. They did it in a more sort of flat way, but I think it is really a question. Is it possible to hire a magician to do tricks online via a Discord call to see some tricks? I have no idea where to even look this up, but I was hoping to find one for my birthday next week. For your own birthday. For your own birthday. You're hiring yourself. Let's game this out for a second, okay? Discord.

Okay. I'm... Discord specifically. Discord. It's the fact that it's not like video call. It's the zoom call, video call. Your specific example of it is a Discord call. Can you video call on Discord?

People that are like very habitually Discord people, like they have a Discord centric life, kind of like they're in a lot of Discords. And there might be some of our fans so we can be a little gentle. Oh, is that what Ben was referring to? I think I'm beautiful. Yes, sorry. I mean, I'm on there all the time. That's fine.

I'm in a couple. They're really posting anything, but I'm in there. It's just the... What are the names? Colors. I mean, oh yeah, do Discord. I mean, Discord for the Dungeon Masters that do things at Netherworld. I mean, a Discord for the star wars RPG game. I'm

no longer playing. Yes. Wow. Um, I've been one for a blood bowl campaign. I'm no longer playing it. Yes. I just think it, it gives you an impression of a specific type of person. If you go to discord as you're like default, that's the thing you're saying. It's a discord call for a person. Less serious, isn't it? Yeah. What sort of computery? I know like it's a discord call for a person to person using discord. Yeah, what sort of computery? I know like it's inherently computery cause it's a video call, but like it's computery. Yeah. You didn't say FaceTime.

You didn't say. Yeah, FaceTime. What a FaceTime magician for your birthday. I'm sure there's FaceTime magicians for sure. So what I'm, what I'm picturing here is that this is a very online person who has a birthday coming up and they are planning a group Discord call with their friends. I hope so their birthday and They want to hire a magician for themselves for their own discord birthday party call

To do tricks for them and their friends on the discord call I'm just gonna say like it like outside of anything about the nature of this as a situation, I don't necessarily think that CloseUp Magic is going to translate very well over a streaming video call. Yes, absolutely. You kind of want to be able to see what's happening and like streaming calls by their very nature are kind of, uh, you know, they're, they're compressed.

Maybe all kinds of shifty stuff too. And I can tell you now it's not going to work out if you say I'm looking for a magician with like a 2160 P camera, a hundred gigabit per second connection. Yeah. Yeah. You have to have fiber optics, magician. I feel like magicians aren't inherently techie people, you know? Yeah. There's probably some pretty internety magicians out there.

Probably. But, but are they incorporating the internet into the act or are they just using it to learn more? You know? I think the thing for me is, as you described, probably a group called a bunch of people, that is the best possible version of this because the other one is, it's just him and the magician. Him and the magician.

For his own birthday, that's the thing that he's getting, which like. Private magician performance. Yeah. If you're doing that, why couldn't you just watch a YouTube video of a magician doing tricks? You can just watch a video. But like, doing you can just watch his video but like oh it's this or ask the magician to come to your house yeah yeah I just I'm not maybe he has agoraphobia maybe maybe he's a bubble boy he might be okay okay

probably can't have a close-up mission because the flames might burn his bubble hmm yeah I just watched the movie creepep for the first time. Oh yeah that's a good film. Little found footage. The creepy creepy guy movie. Mark Duplass. Duplass. And that's that's kind of what I'm picturing if you invite a magician to come to your house for a show one on one. Yeah, a hundred percent. That kind of vibe. It's just not. You show up thinking that you're doing like an hour's worth of work and this guy really seems like he wants to be a friend.

An unsettling amount. That's what I'm picturing. You could easily make a new friend if you invited a magician to your home. Yes. Like he's ripe for the picking in terms of having friends, I think. Sorry to any close-up magicians in their listenership. Wow, that was awesome. Hey, do magicians like beer? Yeah. Magicians like a cold beer. Hey, I have a mixed four pack of IPAs in the fridge. Let's just try them together. Let's split them. It's gone crazy Oh a dipper. Hey, how about this hazy dipper? Hey, how about you and me go make a couple of cold ones disappear?

Fuck yes That's how you make a magician friend. Can you imagine how good it would be when your wingman on Friday night at the bar is a magician. Oh, he's finding your phone number behind a woman's ear. Oh my God. Because she's like, Oh, fuck this magician's trying to hit on me. And he's like, Whoa, whoa, no, sorry. My sexy friend over there.

See that really fucking hot guy at the bar. Hot guy. Between you and me, I'm actually asexual. I've shared with him before and he is doing very well. Let's just say, okay. Probably the size of like four baby dicks. Soft. No, his, not the, I mean...

It's always soft. It's always soft. Oh, hey, that was probably definitely an episode of the podcast. Bunta Vista, thank you so much for joining us. We have a Patreon. We do two episodes a week, not just one. Last week, as I mentioned, we had Tom and Demi on, our dear friends. They're the only guests we feel comfortable putting behind the paywall because we can't really promote them anyway.

The quid pro quo of guesting on each other's podcast doesn't really work when they're way more famous than we are already. Yeah, they don't need any promotion. So they're funny comedians. They're on TV shows and stuff. Yeah Yeah, it's more about just being real friends Tom's been in like thousands of articles that are like this one guy drives a truck on the internet and it's epic It is true. It is epic. It is epic Yeah, we should hire a close-up magician just to be like picture in picture on his stream

Yes, while he's driving trucks, we're not allowed to interact with the magician at all. We should check on the Shinkans to do that. Because you can do close on magic. Friend of the show Ben Jenkins. I think I've said all the stuff that you usually have to say at the end of an episode. What have you guys got coming up? What are you working on at the moment? Any projects? Wow, fucking...

Lucy, you have another podcast. Oh, I do. I have another podcast. I have another podcast with I do. I have another podcast. I have another podcast with friend of the show, Jessie. It's called Savant Gard where we watch Monk and the Good Doctor. Yeah. I think she's trying to like segue out of this podcast. Yeah.

I'm trying to, I've got like one foot out the door in this podcasting relationship. The moment Savant Gard is getting like one more weekly listen. She's fucking out of here. Yeah. She's bouncing. And we'll have to get another chick. We have to get another chick in here. No. No one knows any broads.

Neuro-spicy, bisexual chick. And I'm one of those. And I'm currently smoking a leg of lamb. Right now? That's what I'm working on as we speak. Fuck, I really wanted to smoke something today. I'm not talking about, boy, marijuana. But I thought it was going to rain today.

Turns out it's really sunny. I could have done it. Couldn't be outside smoking meat all day. Currently at 68 degrees internal. I'm waiting till it gets to 74 before I wrap it up with a bunch of garlic cloves. Fuck, that sounds so good. What have you got going on? You said you're about to get sick probably because what if your

children is sick? So Finn's burning a like a 38 degree fever last night. And I'm required to lie down next to him. So that could be dying of Q fever. Did you guys want to hear an impression of an American that I've got? Yeah. 38 degrees that's've got? Yeah. 38 degrees?

That's so cold! Yeah. It's pretty good. It's that topical shit people listen for. We will see you next week, maybe on the bonus episode. I hope that'd be really lovely. We'll talk to you then. Bye!

It'd be good with something to look forward to. Bye! Bye! Thank you. you