BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 111 -Caveman's Wages
Episode Date: April 21, 2021The lads do their best to discuss the Super League, ancient Greek oracles, cavemen and grandma caveman. Also racist policemen. Phil went to the gym and a machine warned him about being fat while Pierr...e contemplates... pleeeeh-zurs.... Correspondence includes: Spencer's Girlfriend, Mirror Touch and sluice-tits overhearing. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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It's Budpod 1! 1! 1!
Or is it, Pierre? Because I don't know if you follow Budpod, but last week there was a bit of a controversy with the numbering of the episode. my little note at the start to explain that now
from now on 109 will be
an in-joke lost episode
I think that's fair enough
what's embarrassing is that we made such a song and dance
about 108A and 108B
being the first A and B episodes
for a while and then after that we just
forgot about episode
109
Budpod is episodes for a while and then after that we just forgot about episode 109 well you know bud pod is
is is like it's like top level athletics even taking a week or two off you know you lose so much
that's true already you lose form already yeah it's like look at this your your your
bud pod muscles have deteriorated even in this interval.
We're just lucky you haven't been struck by injury yet,
a podcast injury.
You haven't strained your jaw or anything.
Well, this is it, yeah.
I mean, the... Taking you out of action.
Even a minor jaw strain or funny bone fracture.
Oh, funny bone fracture. that's your career over that's it you're out for the season minimum and i mean a podcaster you know his
podcasting years are only between the ages of what 20 and 57 you know it's a short window
it's a short career after that he just has to commentate on podcasts
and maybe train other podcasters.
Well, this is what makes people like Mark Maron so exceptional,
that he's one of the few guys pushing that age boundary.
And, you know, it's because he doesn't drink.
He's in the form of his life.
But even he, at some point,
is just going to have to be in a commentary box
with Ricky Gervais and Carl Pilkington
talking about how the off-menu guys are looking in form
Yes, Marc Maron is the Jean-Louis Buffon of podcasting
I don't know if you're aware of Juventus' very old goalkeeper.
Well,
it's a good week for you to actually
know something about the ball-kicking game,
Phil, because everyone is upset about the football.
Yeah, I'm so...
I never thought I'd be
relieved to see football
as the main story.
It's not just the main sports story.
It's the main story. It's not just a main sports story. It's the main story.
And it feels great.
Nothing says Donald Trump is no longer president
and the pandemic seems for the moment to be going all right
than BBC top story football.
Yeah, and also, just like...
I also found it a relief and also quite amazing
because it took me a while to even grasp
what the hell everyone was talking about.
But all I saw was that it was like,
whatever has happened, it's been condemned
by like football hooligans, the Prime Minister,
Prince William, the Guardian, the Times, times the sun like everyone on earth like macron
has said something about i say what the fuck has happened it was like at the end it was like
football had made the decision to align with isis at the end of watchmen, nuclear war is avoided because a giant alien destroys Manhattan and the entire world gets behind fighting this one common enemy.
Yeah.
And the Super League has done the same thing.
I think in a few years time, the Super League is going to get the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing everyone together
under the banner of the Super League is a horrible idea.
Do you understand what the Super League is?
I just have the working knowledge.
Well, I've asked a few people to explain it to me,
and from what I can tell...
I'm hurt I wasn't asked, Pierre. I'm hurt.
Well, you know, you're like the Oracle.
I can only ask you so many football questions per year.
Before I get too tired.
Yeah, before you stop swirling and all that smoke nude and fall down.
That's the Oracle in 300.
Yeah.
And after I saw that, ever since I saw that, I'm like,
were Oracles really naked or was that just because that was Zack Snyder?
Yeah, it's hard to say, isn't it?
I mean, I would like a sort of nude oracle in a cave who's like blind, swirling around to be what VAR is.
Right, okay.
When they just go, well, was it a goal goal or not and then they just cut to this like
yeah they're like we can't tell if it's a goal or not and the referee just pulls out a torch
and lights it and he says i may be a while and he walks off the pitch. And everyone just has to wait. Yeah. He pulls a hood over his head and walks through the tunnels.
Yeah.
The referee's cloak is like still a referee's, you know, uniform.
The stripes.
It's still stripes.
Yeah.
And he does that same sort of run.
That same sort of, I'm a referee run.
Yeah.
With his shoulders backing up his shoulders high fists and
the ass stuck out the back yeah yeah jogging up the hill with the torch yeah exactly all the
players standing around kind of like spitting and kicking their boots around and all these all
these people in pubs in my opinion, the Oracle's fucking ruined the game.
It's either a fucking goal or it's not.
I don't want some fucking swirly mystic slaying in a cave to fucking
disallow.
Why does the Oracle, in all
her infinite wisdom, always
favour United?
And of course, that article for the New Statesman
about how criticism of the Oracle
can sometimes veer into misogyny.
And you have to be careful.
One has to ask oneself,
would I be saying this if the Oracle was a man?
Yes. If it was a bald
fat guy in his 50s swirling around
in a cave
which he would be
the one logical inconsistency
of Zack Snyder's
otherwise
watertight
depiction of
300 of ancient greece is that the oracle who is chained to the ground
and can't exercise is physically fit yeah great shape she's a hottie and you're like
doesn't she isn't this all she does like she should be yeah the oracle should be a fat middle-aged man just like oh i really need to do more cardio yeah unless she's chained to the ground near a pilates class
and a sort of and also the sacrifices are always like roast lamb that's very fattening
you know you know what i'm sick of phil? I'm sick of these beautiful, in-shape oracles
pretending that they're just like regular people like us
and they eat roast lamb sacrifices.
They clearly don't. It's just a PR stunt.
Yeah, they're thin-washing oracles.
And it has to stop.
We need more fat oracles.
We need to talk about oracles, Pierre. We need more fat oracles. We need to talk about oracles, Pierre.
We need to.
I mean, the oracles already knew that we need...
They knew before we needed to talk about them
that we would eventually need to talk about them.
So, you know, actually, there's poor form from them
not to tell us that we would eventually need to talk about oracles.
If someone was really an oracle
they should come across as the most bored
and frustrated person you've ever met
yeah well
it'd be like
I guess this is
a Watchmen heavy episode but it'd be like
Doctor Manhattan saying I tire of
these people
yeah
when you know so much and you know everything that's going to happen
you'd just be bored
well that's it
you'd be hard pressed not to end every sentence by going
duh
because you've known it since you were hit by lightning
or whatever happened to you
well anyway trust us to turn a talk about football
into a discussion of
the battle of thermopylae.
But it's basically...
Just a couple of lads!
The Super League is basically all the...
It's all the older boys have gone together and said the younger boys aren't allowed in their special club
unless they fight each other for it.
So it's like six English clubs
and three other clubs yet to be confirmed.
Oh, no, wait.
And three European clubs.
Well, I think 15 in total super clubs,
including like Barcelonacelona real
madrid and stuff biggest boys they make up this league and they can never they can never uh be
kicked out they can never be relegated from it yeah and then the final five are people who will
have to qualify to be in it every season and they can be relegated. And they just have to
fight for a guest star role.
But then what happens if
one of the top clubs
comes last one season
and then they stay in the
second last club who are not of the
special 15 has to go? That must be
embarrassing for
the super club at the bottom.
I mean you'd think so but the thing that
confused me about how upset everyone was the the only way it's made sense to me is is um
it was explained to me that like what this this removed like a lot of money from the other things
featuring the the less powerful clubs like it does take away a lot of their money and
potentially a lot of their tv money advertising money ah so like obviously if like one of the mega clubs plays one of the smaller clubs at the
smaller club stadium they sell lots of tickets and you know they get some tv money i see i see
so i was like oh okay but then that's the only thing that made sense to me because up to that
point all i saw was people going like i can't believe that football is being a kind of corrupt, unfair money fight.
It's like, what? Yeah, what?
Well, yeah, I guess this is the epitome of that quibble.
This is just the most blatant exercise in the money grab.
I guess that's what people are annoyed about.
And also, it's literally sportsmanship.
It's just very bad sportsmanship.
It's just kind of embarrassing and naff.
Yeah, that's true, actually.
I hadn't thought of that.
But yeah, I just thought these...
You hadn't thought of the sportsmanship?
No, genuinely.
I literally see them as like hedge funds.
I mean, they are.
Yeah, they are at this point.
But then I guess the main argument
is something like from time to time you get a leicester city come up and suddenly like this
ma and pa football team becomes coca-cola and that's exciting i guess but then it's just coca-cola
for a while but even then like leicester city would i had to get bought by a thai billionaire
yeah yeah so it's like a young up up-and-coming, old billionaire.
Who'd have thought?
It still took this enormous injection of money,
sort of unparalleled injection of money,
and then skill and a bit of chance.
And that's the fun narrative.
But beyond that, I'd definitely support a local team
if it was actually a local team if if it was
actually a local team but it's always just like uh this american hedge fund and its team of brazilian
recruits are gonna fight that saudi prince and his team of pretending to be geordie spanish people
and uh we'll see who wins it's just i have no it just seems so like um mercenary and strange.
It's globalization, the game.
Yeah, exactly.
What happens if you open up a sport completely and open up money completely?
Yeah, yeah.
Although I guess the one thing I think the UK will never have, surely,
is that weird American thing where they just go,
the New York Jets are now
the Cincinnati Saucepots
or whatever. They just completely move a team
and change their name and their logo.
That is insane, yeah.
Americans are so fucking weird.
It's mad.
It's mad how
our baseline cultural
touchstone, America, is fucking weird.
Like, they're so weird that even being intimately aware of them culturally your entire life, they're still fucking weird.
Yeah.
weird yeah and i think even when the predominant global cultural right like even when the british empire was the most powerful thing it never had cultural dominance as well people would still
you know talk about french philosophers and russian authors and german engineering or whatever else
italian um uh you know cuisine or anything else like that it was never this like the thing about
america is that it's obviously
it's the biggest military power
and it has loads of international hard power,
but it's soft power is just, there's nothing like it.
Just everyone knows what prom is.
Everyone knows what a cheerleader is.
Everyone understands the visual iconography
of American culture
and everyone's seen an American movie.
Whereas even when the British Empire was at its height,
people in every other country on earth
wouldn't have seen a Shakespeare play necessarily.
That's a good point.
Whereas America's...
Well, yeah, I mean, America's cultural domination
has coincided with television, cinema, and the internet.
So I guess it's had that in its favor.
That said, it's huge
yeah i mean i i'm interested to see if america's uh school shooting disease is catching through
its media abroad yeah thankfully that seems to be the one thing that doesn't carry over
well it's mostly the lack of availability of guns there's been a couple of big school
shootings in finland but that was a while ago now but um yeah but yeah
yeah but it is such an odd it's just so big that every time you think you've figured it out then
something happens in the part that you forgot was there yeah you just have to remember like
oh yeah texas and then something fucking mental happens in Texas.
And there's another shooting in,
is it Minneapolis again, wasn't it?
Oh yeah, yeah.
The lady with her taser.
The police officer who has been a police officer for what, 26 years?
26 years, yeah.
Yeah, felt like a taser.
I mean, I can't speak. I haven't held a taser ever i don't
know how heavy it is apparently you um were you did you were you given one to practice on when
you were two just well keep it safe for now young pierre um here's a taser i'll give you a taser
before you graduate to small arms training um no i've held pistols but i haven't held a taser i'll give you a taser before you graduate to small arms training um now i've held pistols
but i haven't held a taser but apparently the taser thing is like uh it's it you need to like
flip a flip a cover over the off the trigger or something or like it's definitely a different
finger procedure so to speak right right right right so that's probably going to be the
prosecution's angle of like well
you've had you've had the or taser in your gun on the same hip for 25 years yeah plus it's different
so what were you doing but um yeah it's a fucking weird thing to do there's a huge corruption trial
i think in baltimore where basically they've proved and they're and they're prosecuting these
guys for um they would drive around with
very realistic toy guns in case
they shot anyone. They could just drop it on them.
What?
Who are these people? The Baltimore
police, I think. Really?
Yeah, search cops. Baltimore
toy gun is part
of a huge corruption case, I think.
But that's on the record now
because one of the
one of the guys involved has turned witness and it's like yeah yeah we had these toy guns and
they they were literally for if we shot someone we could just use them as like a drop gun and be
like oh see there you go what to say that they fired first or no just to say oh i saw a gun it
was a toy i don't know it looks realistic to me oh i see i see i see yeah which is just like
i mean to be fair in the UK
too like our problem that we've had here
is did you see that metropolitan police
I think he's a Met Police guy
and he broke that guy's leg
did you see that
no was this recent
well it was a few I think it was 2017
but it's only just like
he's being sort of
tried for it now let me get it up
exactly because the uk laws are not kind um about getting these things wrong here we are yes yeah
met a metropolitan police constable has just been jailed um so um a black a black guy called Carl Abrahams
was leaving a cemetery
with his children
after laying flowers
I think for his deceased wife
yeah to their mother's grave
and so he's walking out of
he's walking out of a cemetery in the day with his sons,
and this policeman just pulls up in an unmarked car
and gives him a fucking leg sweep and just physically attacks him
and fucks up his leg.
What? Really? What?
Yeah, breaks his fucking leg.
A leg sweep, like in Street Fighter?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And has he said why?
So apparently...
I think his...
I can't find his defence.
A friend of mine told me his defence was basically,
oh, he works undercover, you know,
plainclothes police in, like, gangs and stuff,
and he thought it was one of them. And it's like, right, you know,
even if it was someone in a gang, it's still illegal
to just rush up and break their leg.
Like, you can't.
That's not a defense to say, when I was
breaking the law, I thought it was, you know, Steve
and it wasn't.
That is nuts.
What is going on? So if that guy was
an American policeman, he'd have had a gun
and he probably would have just fucking shot the guy.
That's exactly it.
That's exactly it.
I mean, the problem stems from just having guns everywhere.
Also, I will say, if you look this British policeman up,
he follows the rule of looking like a fucking Neanderthal thug.
Okay, I'm going to look at it.
Put it this way.
He doesn't look... Put it this way. He doesn't look like
a wise person.
He doesn't look like a wise person.
No.
He looks like an absolute prick.
Ooh, wow, yeah!
Yeah, see?
The photo...
He looks like
a wax model of a Neanderthal man.
He looks like a Simpsons caveman.
He does a bit, yeah.
He does, yeah.
He's got a really heavy brow.
That is mad.
What is the deal with people like this?
Can you filter these people out when they apply to join the i'm allowed to hit people club
i'm allowed to hit people with clubs club yeah
they call it club club for short or club for short club club yeah um
how do you filter these people out how do you how do you how do you filter these people out? how do you ask tricksy enough questions like the fucking
sphinx
maybe just ask like one of those
personality
survey questions
you see a man leaving a graveyard
with his children
do you A. continue driving
B. say sorry for your loss
or C.
leg sweeping like ryu from street fighter do you
d chun li him in the face yeah i mean you yes i guess i'm i guess every
every net has holes is that a is that Is that a phrase? I like it Thank you
See, that's the kind of phrase that this guy doesn't look capable of saying
Looking at his face now reminds me of
He looks like he would say
Pop clink fizz
Like Grandma Caveman, yeah Grandma Caveman, yeah He looks like he would say Pop Clink Fizz.
Like Grandma Caveman, yeah.
Grandma Caveman, yeah.
Pop Clink Fizz. He looks like Grandma Caveman.
Pop Clink Fizz.
Someone sent...
Oh, God, what was it?
Someone sent some really awful...
I do now read all that awful marketing in a caveman voice
where it's like, taste the delicious.
Oh my God.
I was at the gym early today,
which I'll come back to actually.
And there's a healthy foods vending machine there
that says, I think the top says,
try the future of delicious.
Ugh.
And one of the products that it was selling
also had a similar slogan.
I can't remember it now.
No, no, it was like,
try kind.
Oh, no.
Try kind, Pierre. Have you tried kind? Oh no Try kind Pierre
Have you tried kind
Try kind
Try kind
You make
You make
Grandma caveman sad
Try kind
Stop mean
Try kind
Grandma caveman
May have fight with Friend Stop mean. Try kind. Grandmoor caveman may have
fight with friend.
Try kind.
As she like
pats his head.
Try kind.
Okay.
I find something really funny about
the idea of a caveman saying okay.
That's really funny about the idea of a caveman saying okay. That's really funny.
Okay.
Okay.
Okey dokey.
Okay.
It's quite hard to write dialogue for a caveman
because he wouldn't say something too fancy like very well.
Very well.
Unless it was an evil
caveman. Yeah, or if he was supposed
to be like, well, like an oracle.
Very well, yes.
But then, okay,
it's just a bit too...
It's too casual.
It's too...
I guess you just have to go with a
Yes
Can you say yes?
You can get away with yes
You can probably get away with yes
But just going mmm and nodding
Would be better
I don't think there's ever anything casual
About being a caveman
No It's a full-time job, yeah.
If you fucking ask me, Phil, cavemen should be paid footballers' wages.
The amount of work they do.
The hardest fucking job in the world.
scraping a fucking living in 10 000 bc it's not a fucking life is it
of course it was until thatcher closed all the caves she came and she shut down all the caves
she came and she shut down all the caves well you know like a lot of people
it's part of
so many people in the world can say
one of my great great great great
great great great great great great great great great
and then it goes on a bit great grandfather's was a caveman
you know
yeah we can all say that
that was his job and that's my lineage
that was his job
and sometimes I feel guilty not to
Carry on the family tradition
And work in digital marketing instead
Digital marketing contains
Almost no flint napping
Have you spoke about before how mad it is that people lived in caves
For like a thousand years
Oh yeah like how long The stone age lasted It's a long time Have we spoken about before how mad it is that people lived in caves for like a thousand years?
Oh, yeah.
Like how long the Stone Age lasted.
Yeah.
It's a long time with no change.
Where they would.
Yeah.
So long.
Centuries and centuries of history just in caves.
They're probably just like.
I bet you someone built like a hut and it was all like wet and like it fell down a bit.
And all the other cave men were just like oh
is it as good as a cave
and the guy was like no
wet fall mush
wet fall mush
you know what no wet fall mush
cave
let's celebrate
new cave with poppling fish
you think you make better cave?
Me like to see that
Really skeptical
Folding their arms
Anyway, I was at the gym today, Pierre
I've told you this, I texted you about this
Because it was my first session with a personal trainer,
and they made me get on this special machine.
It's a virgin active, Pierre.
I don't mind saying.
So it's pretty fancy.
Because you're an active virgin.
I'm an active virgin.
Virgin active is only for people who are actively virgins.
We go out of our way to not have sex, and only we are allowed to join virgin active is only for people who are actively virgins we go out of our way to not have
sex and um only we are allowed to join virgin active and and our it's my first meeting with my
virgin personal trainer and he got me on this machine they have the fancy machine where you
put your bare feet on these little panels and you hold onto these metal sticks
like you're doing that test in Scientology.
Yeah.
And the machine goes...
And it calculates your body mass index.
It calculates your body fat percentage.
I'm at 27, Pierre, in case you wanted to know.
I'm 27 27 body fat oh my personal
trainers uh was i think seven um but it also told you a whole bunch of things including
what the machine called your metabolic age which i think is your effective fitness age
and i think um i think that's when cavemen were around, wasn't it?
The metabolic age?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's when Grandma Caveman
would have been around.
The metabolic age.
That's when man first discovered
the treadmill metabolic age. That's when man first discovered the treadmill metabolic age.
That's right, yeah.
And it said my metabolic age
as a 31-year-old man was
46 years old.
I have the fitness
of a 46-year-old
man. So you are
15 years too metabolically old.
I'm 15 years too metabolically old.
I'm 15 years fat, Pierre.
31 years old and 15
years fat.
I couldn't believe the
rudeness of this machine. It gave me an
obesity warning. It said I'm not obese now
but I'm getting a warning. This is my warning.
But then I'm like, this has been my body for 15 years. I think if something is the case for 15 years, it's not a warning.
You can't have a warning that goes on for 15 years.
So the machine gave you a yellow card, is what you're saying?
That's right. Yeah. Which I tried to eat.
You thought it was a pat of butter.
I'm not looking up 46-year-old celebrities.
Leonardo DiCaprio.
There you go.
I don't mind.
Jimmy Fallon.
Okay.
Bradley Cooper.
I'll take that.
Will.i.am
and Fergie
from the Black Eyed Peas
to be fair
if your metabolic age
was 19
DiCaprio would try
and fuck you
I don't mind that
Ryan Seacrest
I'll take Ryan Seacrest's
body any day
Katie Hopkins
do you think if you put her take Ryan Seacrest's body any day. Katie Hopkins! Katie Hopkins!
Do you think if you put her in that machine,
the machine just starts emitting smoke?
Because she's too fit.
She's so evil.
The machine gives her an evil percentage.
I don't know how much to trust this machine machine because it's obviously in a gym's interest to tell you you're a slug with a machine that you can't argue with yes um
ask the oracle but also like it did this it did this scan of where the most fat on my body where
the worst points of my body were like where the most unfit points of my body were.
And colour-coded, and so, like,
my belly was red.
Obesity warning
red on my belly.
And then my arms were like an orange.
Right.
But then my legs were sort of a green-yellow.
We were getting into green territory. And it's true
that I have nice pins, Pierre. You've got shapely pinsre i've been complimented on them before i do have lovely pins i've got nice
shapely calves uh i've got good um sort of muscular kind of thighs and so the machine and
the machine knew and so i was like maybe this machine is right. But then how often do you see people... It's an oracle machine. How often do you see people who look like...
Only their legs and calves are so fat that they look like a big grasshopper?
I know what you mean.
And so my second thought was, right, but is this just a common fat distribution on any man?
But then I remembered you, Pierre, and you have very, very big legs.
That's true. That's true.
Although there's not very much fat on my calves,
but there is on my thighs.
What would the machine say about me?
There's only one way to find out.
Although, of course...
Come down to the machine!
I'll stick with my swirling oracle, thanks.
As she just, like, swirls around in the smoke and then just collapses and just goes,
ah, you're fat.
Try cutting out carbs.
Eat more fibrous greens.
Have five smaller meals a day.
Yeah, as the oracle tries to pinch your belly.
And you go, and rear backwards.
yeah i mean i i don't need i don't need a machine to tell me i've let myself down over the past year phil i've got a mirror for that a technology that has yet to be surpassed that's right
i i self-shaming if i if i if i continue to to sit still and and and drink beer at the current rate,
I will end up getting a kind of...
I'll have a torso that looks like one of those orangutans.
Just a sort of a ball with some tits on top.
So I'm aware that things need to be done.
Also, I don't trust BMI.
I don't know if I trust the electric foot paddle machine,
but BMI is very silly,
especially if you're of our height,
if you're as far above average height
for the equation as you and me are, Phil.
Oh, really?
Yes, well, because the equation necessarily
is most accurate at the center of the bell curve.
On either extreme, it becomes less accurate because it's not designed.
It is inherently designed for the middle of the bell curve for the average person.
So the less average you are going in, the wackier your results will be.
I want to look up average male height UK.
It's not very high.
Five foot nine. Yeah. male height UK it's not very high 5 foot 9 so right
so I'm 4 inches taller than that
yes
and I mean
the equation was thought up
well over 100 years ago
oh was it?
and it wasn't invented by
medical professionals it's not being used for what
it's for it's it's all bmi's is is real voodoo science um and i'm always very wary it's annoying
because bmi is silly but also the annoyingly a lot of people who criticize bmi are also like me
overweight like i am like i'm not saying i'm not overweight i'm saying i'd like it to be measured a lot of people who criticize BMI are also, like me, overweight. Like, I am.
Like, I'm not saying I'm not overweight.
I'm saying I'd like it to be measured accurately.
That's all I'm saying.
I'm not claiming that I don't need to watch my health.
I do.
So you're not at the BMI machines smacking it because it says you're fat.
This thing must be broken.
Smacking it with one of my tits.
Piece of crap that nothing works around here.
If I...
What would a...
Like, I get all philosophical.
What would a machine know of the good and bad of cheese?
I start calling everyone else in the gym
gentlemen and raising my hands up.
Overthrow this device, gentlemen.
Live, live!
Throw off the shackles of metabolic age
and enter a new age! the post-metabolic age.
An age of unrivaled pleasure.
I rub my belly.
Come, fellows, an age of pleasure beckons.
And then the personal trainer is like,
yeah, so do you think you could join?
How many sessions are you going to sign up for?
There's a discount if you go for eight.
Pleasure. Pleasure. Much pleasure. you go for eight yeah pleasure pleasure uh much pleasure to be had i think here they let you join on the condition that you don't speak when you're there because that's how you
talk just makes everyone uncomfortable um that's funny i went for a couple of runs and stuff
On the treadmill
Went to the gym as well
And my lungs seem okay provisionally
I haven't really pushed myself
Seems like long COVID's
Naughty thumbprint on my lungs
Is not as bad as I had
Worried about so that's good
Well that's encouraging
I was hoping long COVID is long gone well this is the thing i hope hopefully it is yeah and uh the i just need
to i just need to get ready for when it's difficult isn't it because staying at home so much
food is the novelty and the fun isn't it and so i've been eating i've been eating a bit like um
isn't it and so i've been eating i've been eating a bit like um just a bit too decadently phil well like the pleasure man that's right that's right i've been enjoying an unrivaled pleasures
why not add a large knob of rich butter to that porridge enrich it my friend you've earned it
that's the man
standing on my shoulder
I had
a hangover the
other day Pierre which really brought me
back and
I had a McDonald's so big
it lasted me all day
I don't even have McDonald's that big I had a McDonald's so big, it lasted me all day. I don't even have a McDonald's that big.
I had, yeah.
I mean, it wasn't that big.
It just kept me going.
I had the Big Tasty.
Yes.
Which I, like, love.
I love the Big Tasty, Pierre.
I hope I don't come across as a corporate shill right now.
I love the Big Tasty. Pierre. I hope I don't come across as a corporate shill right now. I love the Big Tasty.
Well, it was named by Grandma Caveman.
Big Tasty.
Big Tasty.
Big.
Okay.
Tasty.
Okay.
How about we call it Big Tasty?
Okay.
Okay.
And I had five chicken selects, which is pushing The upper limit of chicken selects
And then fries and coke
That sorted me out all day
Well it didn't sort me out
I didn't feel good
But I didn't need to eat again
It sorted you in
It sorted me in
Big Tasty is such a
What if the burger was enormous
And filled with cream?
But if that's the Big Tasty, what's that saying about the other burgers?
Are they not tasty?
That's true, isn't it?
What's McDonald's saying by coming out and going,
we finally made a tasty burger?
It's like if Ford came out with a car that finally stays together.
This is our new stays together car.
It doesn't fall apart.
A wheeled vehicle.
That's, yeah, if McDonald's...
Yeah, what are they sort of admitting?
Or are they just sort of saying,
well, you pigs seem to love the burgers
that we don't think are tasty.
So strap in you animals We've made one that we think is actually good
We can't wait to see what you think
Big tasty
So Grandma Caveman
Thank you for coming to the
Joining us on the focus group
What do you think of the burger?
Big
Yes, okay, yes
Can you expand on that?
Big
Tasty
Alright
You're free to go
What about if we added bacon, what would you think then?
With bacon
Big, tasty With bacon Okay What would you think then? Oh, with bacon.
Big, tasty, with bacon.
Okay, thank you, Grandma Caveman.
You know what?
You can leave early today, actually.
We'll just talk to the other people.
The chicken select is a good move, though, man.
Oof.
A little turf and turf. that's what I call it
you gotta have a turf and turf
that's right
a little hoof and claw
the order of the hoof
and the order of the claw
have joined forces
in pursuit of
pleasure Have joined forces. In pursuit of pleasure. Yeah.
I walked past a wine shop the other day, Phil, and naturally thought of you.
Oh, I'm listening.
It's called the Noble Grape.
The Noble Grape. I like that. I wanted to send you a photo of it because it's now what I imagine you saying before every sip of wine.
Ah, the Noble Grape.
Every sip. Ah, the Noble Grape.
Just with increasingly blue teeth.
Where was this shop?
Where was it?
I'll tell you what. It's within walking distance of where I live.
So somewhere near Highbury and Islington
Holloway, I don't know.
Maybe it's further towards Camden.
I don't know. But it's somewhere in
North London.
Very good. A fine place
to stock up in anticipation
of future pleasures.
Bottles and bottles of
pure pleasure.
Uncork pleasure.
That's a good slogan.
Uncork pleasure.
Yes, and it's better than fucking
think delicious
or whatever.
The future of delicious Delicious Uncork
Pleasure
What would be a shitty wine
slogan like that?
That's good
Drink Divine
Oh, yes That's good Uncork Divine Drink Divine Oh yes
That's good
Uncork Divine
Decant
Decant Good
Or something like that
Uncork Different Yeah there we go Uncork different
Yeah there we go
Uncork different
For like a new wine company
Like a natural wine company
Or like a organic vegan wine company
Uncork different
Sip grape
Oh gosh Shall we do some correspondence oh gosh
shall we do some correspondence
yes
read good
read good
email better
correspond
pleasure
ring letters emails phone Correspond. Pleasure.
Ring letters.
Keep the coolest emails.
Phone calligraphies.
Talking jacking.
Your sister.
Keep it fun.
Keep it fun.
Ring letters.
Correspondence.
Okay.
So.
Kristen gets in touch Kristen?
yeah
wow
oh yeah
cool
American maybe
yes maybe
do you mean many Kristans?
not many
no it is quite an American name isn't it
yeah maybe
so
Kristen Kristen
that's firing on all pistons yes nice Maybe. So. Kristen, Kristen.
Firing on all pistons.
Yes, nice.
So the subject of this email is Yorso2000p.
Oh, yeah.
And she says, hello, Tweedle P and Tweedle Dung.
I like that.
Tweedle Dung is good.
Praise redacted again. I've been meaning to tell you this story for a while
after a fellow listener wrote about the robbery
during which he woke up and dismissed mid-sleep
Oh yeah
of course
The first thing you need to know
in my apartment at the time of this
your incident
Okay
There were three bedrooms and one bathroom
with a second vanity outside
the bathroom door.
What is a vanity?
Is that like a sink
and a mirror? I think so, yeah.
That must be it.
This little nook sat parallel
to my bedroom door and perpendicular to the
door leading to the actual bathroom.
I like this description. It's very hard to describe to my bedroom door and perpendicular to the door leading to the actual bathroom.
I like this description. It's very hard to describe layouts
of rooms and places.
This is very good. It's good stuff.
Second, I like sleeping in a
room as dark as humanly possible.
Yes, same.
Same. I've got some very
posh eye mask
now. You too fear the light.
It does not give me pleasure she says uh and i had achieved it in that bedroom managing to fix a small lamp to the head of my bed
with a pull string switch oh wow wallet and grommet over here Very much so Now she says One of my roommates played in and also coached
An ultimate frisbee team
Oh great
This email just gets more and more American by the sentence
And we had agreed to allow a few teammates
To crash on our couches for a big tournament
One summer weekend
Were they at frisbee camp?
summer weekend.
Were they at Frisbee camp?
I can't believe the Ultimate Frisbee is starting the Ultimate Frisbee Super League.
So unfair.
It's not about the Frisbee anymore.
So
I agreed as I trusted she vetted
the guests
And she was an upstanding girl herself
And I was working all weekend and would barely be home anyway
The first night was fine
Annoying because I don't like people in my space
But they weren't too bad
Yet
On the second night I come home rather early
Around 8.30
To find four strangers in my living room
Watching TV and chilling
Okay They were not partying or drinking So I was pleased with the situation Around 8.30, to find four strangers in my living room watching TV and chilling.
Okay.
They were not partying or drinking, so I was pleased with the situation.
I'm pleased.
Standing in the middle of four strangers.
Yes, please.
I'm pleased with this.
Tenting your fingers.
I then holed up in my room, closed the door, and had an early night. Nice.
I was awakened sometime
in the middle of the night in my pitch black
room and what
by what can only be described as
squirrel rustling
noises.
Oh.
I opened my eyes and listened
again to make sure it wasn't a dream.
And again, a rustling.
Hello, I ask.
No answer.
Good. It must have just been my imagination.
Rustle, rustle, again.
I pull the string of my bed light.
The door to my right is opened ever so slightly,
and to the bottom left of my bed
in the corner a girl is squatting down and
looking at me. No.
Uh, get out of my room
I say. Whoa.
And then she speaks.
I'm Spencer's girlfriend.
And I'm
the oracle.
I don't care get out of my room she stands and I see her pulling up her pants
did you just fucking piss in my room
no
I'm Spencer's girlfriend I'm Spencer's
get the fuck out
Spencer's girlfriend Get the fuck out.
Spencer's girlfriend.
She had peed all over my wooden floor.
How powerful is Spencer?
That's what I want to know.
Maybe it's like saying you're a friend of Dorothy.
You know, like that used to be a way of saying that you were gay, whereas this just means you're allowed to piss wherever you want.
You know, like that used to be a way of saying that you were gay, whereas this just means you're allowed to piss wherever you want.
Me putting a folded up banknote into someone's top pocket after I've pissed my pants in the cinema saying, I'm a girlfriend of Spencer's.
Of course, sir.
Right this way.
Of course.
Forgive me.
Not at all, dear fellow.
So she goes, get out of my room.
And then she says, I'm Spencer's girlfriend.
I don't care, get out of my room.
She stands up, pulling up her pants.
Did you just fucking piss in my room? I'm Spencer's girlfriend. I'm Spencer's. Get the fuck out.
I like how she
starts repeating it. I'm Spencer's girlfriend. I'm Spencer's girlfriend.
Like she's only just discovered
like remembered it
she had amnesia
yeah
but she pissed it all out
I'm Spencer's girlfriend
I'm Spencer's girlfriend
I'm Spencer's girlfriend
so she's peed all over
a wooden floor
I'm Spencer's girlfriend
it's 3am
and she says
I had to clean up
some stranger's piss
I did not do it quietly, and they were
gone before I woke again. It was a mystery,
as my roommate saw the gang before she went to bed too
and confirmed they didn't seem drunk or on any
substances. But she wasn't too familiar with
these friends of friends anyway, so couldn't be sure.
My poor roommate felt so bad,
but did not let anyone crash ever again.
I never got a formal apology
from the girl or Spencer,
but I told my best friend about it
And with the little information I had
About this complete stranger
She found her on Facebook
Whatever her name was
We found out she is now married to Spencer
And may they live happily ever after
Koji
I'm Spencer's wife
That's her on the wedding day
I'm Spencer's wife
And do you now take Spencer
I'm Spencer's wife Well not yet actually I'm Spencer's wife And do you now take Spencer I'm Spencer's wife
Well not yet actually
I'm Spencer's wife
Just pissing in the church
I'm Spencer's wife
Madam you can't do that
I'm Spencer's wife how strange
great story Kristen thank you for that
very nice
and very American
very American
pissing on the wooden floor
Spencer
that's right
I'm Spencer's homecoming queen I imagine on the wooden floor, Spencer. Yeah. You know. That's right.
I'm Spencer's homecoming queen,
I imagine she said.
I'm Spencer's love interest.
We're going steady.
That's right.
I'm pretty sure did I read
an email out a while ago
about a guy called James
inadvertently blasting our podcast
out of a bluetooth speaker I don't think I did
I don't think so
there's the one time
that someone was a DJ
at a party or something or
had to play some music at a work do
and played a bit of the podcast that i remember that one that wasn't like a a reception area or
something this is in someone's flat okay no i don't think i don't think you've read this so
this is from james a founding father lovely and um he says uh i was listening to episode 81 earlier today
while working from home,
connected to Bluetooth speakers in my bedroom,
when all of a sudden the sound cut out
for no immediately obvious reason.
I glanced at my phone to see
that it had automatically connected to another device,
the speaker downstairs in the living room
of my shared flat,
which my flatmates were using themselves.
In a matter of seconds,
it became clear what had happened
as I heard laughter from the room below.
The exact and perfectly timed phrase that had interrupted their music was,
quote,
dipping her tits in a sluice and just reading a magazine.
You never know with music these days
That could be a sample in the latest
You know
Stormzy
I sound like a boomer just then
So just something going like
Dipping her tits in a sluice
And just reading a magazine
Just suddenly
Huge drop after Tits in a sluice everyone in the club but in one
in one go tits in a sluice mouthing along to it before the drop hits and they all freak out
here it comes here come visit the tits they're about to hit the sluice
oh man did you hear that the about to hit the sluice. Oh, man. Did you hear that?
The tits hit the sluice.
That's a good phrase.
The tits really hit the sluice on that one.
Hey, you don't want to be in the room when the tits hit the sluice.
That was us talking about that vodka that famous people and models
and like pour over their boobs
and bum
the boob vodka
yeah sure
and I was saying that for perfect
mass production you just have to have a woman
with her tits dipped in a sluice as it just flows past
in the factory
she's just reading a magazine
what followed was a hasty message from yours truly on the flat whatsapp group in the factory. She's just reading a magazine.
What followed was a hasty message from yours truly on the flat WhatsApp group to confirm whether they
had in fact heard that vivid description.
Thankfully, the response was as follows.
Haha, yes, we loved it.
Followed by, what are you listening to? And then finally,
can you disconnect from the speaker, please?
Who knows? Maybe I have inadvertently converted them
To three of them
To the church of dirty little boys and girls
Maybe
Keep up the good work and for the love of God
Keep jacking it
Church is always looking for
New congregants
What do you call someone who's in a congregation
Yeah congregants
Congregants Yeah What do you call someone who's in a congregation? Yeah, congregants.
Congregants. Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, we always are, yeah.
Yeah, see?
There's congregants, see?
Let us know if it worked, James,
if suddenly hearing about the phrase tits and a sluice
turned them into listeners.
Yeah.
Because if that's all it takes,
then we've really been overthinking the marketing.
Well, we haven't done any marketing.
But that'll be the marketing we pursue.
Yeah. Absolutely.
And
one last little
correspondence from
Ali.
Ali. Let's get Pally.
Without Ali. I think I've said
Pally before, actually.
Yeah, that's fine.
She says, or he, but I think she.
I don't know.
Anyway, hello, PodBuds.
The recent mentions of people who can't see images in their head
has allowed me to write into the pod,
an event hither prevented by my ladylike lack of bowel misbehaviour.
Ladylike lack of what behaviour?
Bowel.
Oh, bowel behaviour, yes. She says a lady. Lady like lack of what behavior? Bowel Oh bowel behavior yes
She says
She's a lady
A lady?
She says I have a very rare type of synesthesia
Called mirror touch
Which means I physically feel visuals
I physically feel visuals
Wow
Synesthesia
My go to example is that if I see someone getting punched on the arm
Then I will feel it on my arm
Or someone getting touched on the cheek, I'll feel it on my cheek, etc
Oh wow, okay
So it's like, it's a
Quite a, oh that's why it's mirror
Because it's
Like for like, synesthesia
It's not like watching someone get
Getting punched makes you taste lemons.
It's sort of empathetic.
Yeah, ultra empathy.
This is too empathetic.
And she says,
It nicely explains my childhood refusal to be in the room while the family watched House.
Yeah, surgery.
House.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Man, that's rough.
Can you imagine
Ali watching a boxing match?
She just comes out of the living room
just covered in bruises
like, oh, gee, that was a rough one.
They got me in the third round.
Really laid into me there.
Should have got my arms up.
What happens if you're just browsing the internet
and you see a porn pop up
Do you suddenly just go oh god
That's a very good point and a very interesting question
You're just harassed by it in the most intimate possible way
Or
Porn is extremely effective
Oh yeah of course
It's like a mega power
Wank different Pierre It's the future of porn wank different
Pierre
it's the future of porn wank different
mind wank
the future
of horny
that's um
the kind of magneto style nemesis of
mechatine
mind wank
mind wank Mind wank He's got a big ship that's always circling the earth
Mecha-teen
And a big crystal ball
Yeah
Yeah
He's just in this giant
He's in a huge fleshlight
Shaped spaceship
Orbiting the earth
Just sat on this big chair
With his trousers around his ankles
Luckily for us down here on earth
Mind wank never gets anything done
His strength was also his weakness He gets very excited about a plan
And then tired and wants to go to sleep
And distracted
Yes yes
God yeah
Because it's not good for you to do too much of course
You lose a lot of energy The dispute is that God, yeah. Because it's not good for you to do too much, of course.
You lose a lot of energy.
The dispute is that he thinks Wang King should all be in the mind,
whereas Mechateen is sort of robotic.
It's a kind of magic versus technology.
Interesting.
Subtext.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then I guess...
So then Mindwank wouldn't be in a fleshlight.
He would hate the fleshlight. Yes, he'd be in a fleshlight he would hate the fleshlight
yes he'd be in a sort of perfect dome
or a giant tissue box
or something
so Ali says happy to answer any questions
from you curious unsynesthetic
little mortals
hope this blows Phil's tiny little
mind. Ali, Koji, obviously.
Well, I guess
we've touched on it.
The obvious question to me is
is it
the same for pleasure?
Will you feel something pleasurable if you see it?
Yeah, is it ever nice,
I suppose, or is it a horrifying burden?
And is it persistent? Is it always? Is it every time? suppose or is it a horrifying burden and is it persistent is it always is it every time
yeah is there a way you can watch
stuff and not have it ruin things
or are you just
you can only ever watch human interest
story movies where all the action
is just dialogue based
mmm
and does it happen with sound
if she listens to the archers does she feel like she's plowing a field
or does she feel like the rest of us bored
and annoyed it's come on. Yes. Yes. Yes, exactly.
God.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Well, thanks for that, Ali.
Those are basically our questions, I suppose.
We'll see if we can think of any more.
Well, that's sort of it, really, everyone.
Good luck.
Good luck with your weekly pleasures.
Pleasures.
Of course, we're now allowed a couple more Plesios Than we were before
So do enjoy those Plesios
I'm off for my first
My first outside Plesio today Pierre
At the pub?
At a Barcom restaurant
At a Barcom restaurant?
Yeah
Lovely
Maybe I'll have a parent, I think I'll be my first parent
Your first fresh Brimming pint of ale
Foaming pint
What are you going to get?
A foaming pint of
Of ale
What flavour are you going to get Phil?
Pleasure flavour
The flavour of
Flavour yourself pleasure
Flavour pleasure
Yeah
I will
Nice one guys
Enjoy guys
Hope you all have a good week
And how about them Super Leagues
How about that Super League
Can't wait to
not watch it.
I don't know.
If it doesn't happen.
But here's to kicking out
money in sport.
Let's kick out racism and money
from football. There you go.
Finally, yes.
At the same time.
Alright guys, much love.
Keep jacking it. Bye bye.