BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 160 - Tub of Pills
Episode Date: April 20, 2022Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie chat pill freedom and Bridgerton, brunch and correspondence from Elle's rude piss and Rob's running mishap! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/pr...ivacy for more information.
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It's Budpod 160.
160.
Yeah.
I'm a manic dream girl pixie.
Yes, yes you are, Phil.
Yes.
Because I've got short hair.
I just had a haircut.
That makes me a manic pixie dream girl, I think.
Manic pixie dream, Phil, is very funny, good title for a show.
Yeah, the reference is just a bit too old now.
It's quite like a vintage reference, so a manic pixie dream girl.
Yeah.
I do have a shortcut.
I have short hair at the moment, Pierre, because in Melbourne,
I got a haircut from, i'm not exaggerating a furious
korean lady she cut my hair like it had just broken up with her really she was like
like that she just kept i thought she's gonna take my ears off like she was just going
in drive with this pair of scissors no control just like my head was a hedge
i i was genuinely scared about my ears but she did a
good job in the end but i was terrified was um so the way she was cutting your hair was like in a
in a video game where you like you were like minecraft or one of those survival games you
like you punch a tree to make logs and then you punch the logs to make planks
yeah yeah that's right that's right attacking your head to make it like a haircut
she was like the orcs in uh what is it it's not warhammer oh well the warcraft the warcraft yeah
okay and they go and they just chop up the wood or they pick up the rocks yeah and it's just
yeah it was like just harvesting my head for resources. That's how she cut my hair.
Yeah, like an Age of Empires villager just hammering the edges of your head
and a haircut just slowly appears.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
And was this, because of course, you know,
there's enough of an Asian population in Australia. was this an Asian barber? An Asian hairdresser?
It was a Korean hairdresser. Pretty much all the hairdressers in Melbourne are Korean, it seems.
All the hairdressers or all the hairdressers that cater to Asian hair?
All the Asian hairdressers are Korean hairdressers.
Oh, okay. okay yeah all right
oh interesting i didn't realize it was a korean population there yeah it seems to be quite a
decent one and like probably korean i mean like very not very little english and yeah yeah yeah
so properly korean i mean yeah the asian diasporas in melbourne are pretty authentic
the pretty recent arrivals i think oh wow i really
would never have thought korean i wonder what what would an australian korean what's it what's
the whether that what does that end up culturally with oh yeah i don't know they're both pretty
competitive places competitive but i feel like australia is laid back in a way
that Korea is not
yeah that's right
Koreans are very particular and neat
and Australians I do not describe
those values to exactly
yeah
an uptight surfer
yeah the movie Parasite couldn't happen in Australia I don't think Yeah, an uptight surfer.
Maybe.
Yeah, the movie Parasite couldn't happen in Australia, I don't think.
Because even the millionaires act, you know, they behave like they're crocodile dundees.
They're still Australian.
Yeah.
That's true. It's a very flat society.
Have you felt flat while you're out there
um yes yes i felt uh i felt flat i felt fat uh because i i was eating so much yes i got
i i spent so long with my personal training in london trying to get into shape for my world tour
and then two weeks in melbourne food capital of the world i'm back
to where i started oh mate just lots of noodles and oil lots of oil lots of fat lots of brunch
of course full fat um coffee drinks full fat milk flat white and frost. Frothed dairy fats.
And now,
but don't worry, Pierre, I'm sure
to lose weight now because I'm now in America.
Oh, good.
Where food is famously
lean and low in calories.
Oh, and the portions are Scrooge-like.
Yeah, the portions are really small.
Actually, that said,
Pierre, I'm currently in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn City, America. I'm currently in Brooklyn. Brooklyn City, America.
I'm currently in Brooklyn.
And last night I went out on my own to like a nice, like a little bistro place.
Oh.
And it was...
Eating out on your own is usually what I really enjoy.
Except when you turn up to a place and you look at the menu
and the menu's like platters to share.
It's like sharing plates.
Oh no.
Yeah.
And then you have to be like,
oh, how do you eat tapas for one?
Oh.
Yeah, the kind of place that's always advertised
where it's like a table of like
five or six graphic designers hanging out.
advertised where it's like a table of like five or six graphic designers hanging out
and i asked the lady because it was like one of those menus are split into like sharing plates and then like mains the second half is mains and they'll go you want to get like two or three
plates per person whatever and so i said to this lady it's just me do i is is it too much if i
get a main and one of the sharing plates on the side and she was like yeah that'll be a brick
spread and i was like wow an american is telling me that'll be too much yeah i'm just gonna get
the main course i just got this result i ordered the risotto and it came back and it was like a
fancy places portion of risotto it was like oh you mean, you mean a dollop? Yeah, it was like a dollop.
A little dollop of risotto with some green veg.
Uh-uh.
And I was like, wow, Brook...
This is why the rest of America hates New York.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because New Yorkers think they're European.
Yeah, they're having dollops of risotto.
I got angry.
I was like, how dare...
Look at me. How dare you think this is enough
i have been training in australia for this
so i had that then i'd order another and i ordered one of the plates at this one of the
sharing plates and i shared it with myself yes i love it What did you share with yourself? They were delicious, actually.
Little neck clams.
They were clams cooked with sort of pancetta in a garlic parsley sauce.
Really nice, Pierre.
And you shared them right into your little mouth.
Right into my gobber.
Shared them with my teeth and my tongue and and my lips you should
have had a little party you should have ordered continuously each time like seeing if you're full
yet and going nope not yet and each time doing it really like um like as if you're blaming the
the lady yeah just well you've done it again well i hope you're happy i'm still hungry good work
good work my compliments to the tiny chef
yeah so now phil i have a question about your exposure to melbourne is the home of
brunch arguably is there a new brunch trend that we can expect here in the uk that will arrive in about a year what they're really into now in melbourne brunch wise is and it suits
me down to the effing ground chinese chili oil with scrambled eggs okay okay so they it's called
the chili scramble they got a lot of chili scrambles going on. And there's scrambled eggs with Lao Gan Ma, which is that Chinese dried chili oil
that is delicious and addictive and makes everything better.
But with scrambled eggs on toast.
Ooh, la, la.
So if you have the resources, pod buds, you've got to make.
The Chinese supermarket should have Lao Gan Ma,
which is just like dried chili oil.
Throw some of that chili oil in them scrambled eggs.
You will not regret.
So that's on its way, chili scramble.
Is that what it's called?
Yeah.
There was also a new coffee that I'd learned about in Melbourne.
They've invented a new coffee called,
and this is ridiculous, Pierre, it's called The Magic.
No, it's not. It's called The Magic. No, it's not.
It's called The Magic.
You can order a magic.
Like...
So wait, hang on.
Do you say, can I have The Magic, please?
Or do you say, can I have a magic?
Because someone asking for The Magic
sounds like they're asking to be wanked off
during a massage.
Yeah, I was about to say,
if you ask for The Magic,
they'd lead you into a back room.
Scrambles your chilies.
And they scramble your eggs.
No, it's a magic.
One of the baristas tried to explain it to me
as you have to get...
It's called the ristretto i think which
is the first portion of the espresso which is that kind of oily bit it's the oily fruity tangy
bit and i think instead of and you have to stop it and you have to do another one and you add two
ristrettos together and that is your shot i think that's it is. So it's like a little oilier. It's a little fruitier.
Sounds wasteful.
It's really nice.
It does sound wasteful as well.
I wonder what they do with the rest.
Yeah, can you order a lack of magic and it's the rest?
Right.
For like a discount.
A secular.
That's what that's called.
A reality.
Yeah, I want the purely secular element of this espresso i
would like some secular coffee please and they go they keep asking if you want magic and you just
go no no no no no i don't none of that for me thanks and then i landed at jeff k pierre uh yesterday morning and the first my first meal of my america trip was a
duncan donuts breakfast bagel oh with just uh coffee in america what's what i do like is that
you can just you can order just a coffee and they will give you a coffee yeah they won't ask you what coffee what
to say a coffee like you'll just pour some brown liquid into a cup and they'll give it to you no
questions asked like in a tv show where they're trying to avoid a copyright issue in a pub
yeah i'll have a pint of beer please and then they get it
yeah i think that is i do respect that and that is in some ways why it's
the land of the free because you are free to to demand something vague and by god you'll get
something it is the land of the free pierre and this is how free i just texted you this picture
i was in a pharmacy here in in brooklyn and you can buy a a tub of ibuprofen yeah so in the uk it's you
become a pack of 16 max maximum 16 tablets maximum max and i think you can buy two of those packs
maximum so you can have per purchase you can buy 32 ibuprofens maximum.
There's one tub of ibuprofen in the pharmacy I was in.
It was 1,000 tablets in one bottle.
1,000.
100 times 10 ibuprofen tablets.
And you can just buy that.
It's $21, value pack, you can just buy
a thousand
ibuprofen. That is more than
that is more
than 30 times
the maximum you can
buy in the UK.
And I
think I figured out why pierre
yeah because life is so good in the us the drug companies they know you're not going to kill
yourself they know you're good life is free and fun yeah and everyone's upbeat and optimistic
whereas in the uk they're like if we let people buy more than 40
ibuprofen they're gonna kill themselves because look what the weather is like ironically they're
gonna do it because they can't do it yeah they're gonna kill themselves they want to kill themselves
because they can't buy more than 32 ibuprofens in one go they they it'll be a self-solving a
self-fulfilling prophecy i've just done a math there Phil
per dollar that's
47 and a half tablets per dollar
really?
oh my god
it's roughly two cents a tablet
that's astonishing
so it's like a
land of the free pierre land of the free and you know what and
definitely a land of the uninflamed they've yeah they've actually eradicated the headache here
i don't know if you know that
it's like smallpox to them it's just an insane question to even ask. A thousand tablets, Pierre, in one bottle.
One thousand.
How long is that even going to last you?
It would be fascinating to go into a pharmacy,
Boots or whatever, in the UK,
and just say,
just go up to the guy and go,
can I have a thousand ibuprofen?
They'd just shut the gates and call the police.
They'd call the police.
Suicide risk, suicide risk. they'd smile and they'd say why is that sir and you'd realize their hand was going and they're pressing a button really rapidly under the desk
is everything okay sir at home is everything all right do we need to call someone yeah a thousand how inflamed would you have to be i want a thousand
a thousand you'd have to be lord that's what like veruca salt or whatever would need of
swelling into a blueberry i prescribe you a thousand ibuprofen that's that would be if someone's in the uk said i'm
going to prescribe you a thousand ibuprofen they'd be saying i'm going to try and get you
to kill yourself that's what it would sound like it's astonishing it's truly astonishing
i'd feel i'd feel so crazy having a tub of them Yeah, it doesn't feel right
It doesn't feel right being able to just put your hand into a jar
And you shouldn't be able to like scoop ibuprofen
Yeah, it's like if I
I would feel as weird scooping it out in powder form
With a little scoop like it's a protein shake
Yeah, or like washing detergent
Yeah, having a big cardboard box of loose powder like it's a protein shake. Yeah. Or like washing detergent. Yeah.
Yeah.
Having a big cardboard box of loose powder just labelled painkiller.
And just scooping it into drinks and things.
Oh my God.
Truly astonishing.
Yeah, it goes all the way to the ibuprofen.
It's not just crazy pop stars
and oxygen tents being given recreational
morphine
the ordinary crazy guy
on the street can be uninflamed
to the point of ridiculousness
too
now I'm in New York Pierre what I've been reacquainted
with is I know what is starting to sound like an obsession
of mine with regards to America
but metal, metal, metal
so much metal, everything's made of metal
I was in the bathrooms in JFK
all the dividers, metal
the bathrooms in LAX, all the dividers
between the urinals, metal
and you don't realise how little metal actually is
in the UK and Europe
these dividers are made from
polymers and maybe reinforced glass.
It's some kind of plastic noise, isn't it?
Or some compressed material.
But here it's like metal, metal, metal.
And not like neat metal, sort of riveted metal.
Like turn-of-the-century metal. metal like turn of the century in metal industrial revolution sort of
chrome plates and i wonder is was it just like was the steel industry here just so big was it
with this who's a steel guy because like all like there were a handful of american industrialists
that are all famous and they all were responsible for different things, right?
Yeah.
The Rockefellers were...
Oil.
What?
They were oil.
And then the railways was...
What's a Scottish name?
What are the railways?
Well, some of them are those old Dutch families,
like Vanderbilt or whatever, or Vanderpump.
I think Vanderbilt was the railways, yeah.
Yeah, and so maybe I think the steel guys were similar, but I'm not sure.
But can it really have been cheaper?
Metal?
Well, that's...
I know.
I know for it to survive the plastic revolution, I don't know how they've done it.
Yeah.
And I always...
The thing that pops into...
The little fact that pops into my head whenever I see a lot of metal, because it is rare,
into the little fact that pops into my head whenever i see a lot of metal because it is rare is um i remember reading about um the siege of stalingrad and sort of the siege of the various
major cities that the the germans besieged in the sort of start of operation barbarossa but
they were talking about how that the the the Soviet defenders was such that they were rushing T-34 tanks out unpainted.
Right, yeah.
It's like they weren't even green.
They were metal and they looked metal.
Just get them out there.
That's kind of metal in the musical sense.
Unpainted tanks.
Strong stuff.
Yeah, so that's what I think whenever I see metal. My instinct is to go, oh, what's happening? musical sense. That's pretty... Unpainted tanks.
Yeah, so that's what I think whenever I see metal. My instinct
is to go, oh, what's happening?
Is there a problem?
Yeah, so all the emergency
vehicles here are not just like metal, but
chrome, glistening.
Shiny, the ambulances, the fire trucks,
shiny, glistening.
The transport vehicles, the freight
trucks, glistening the the transport vehicles the freight trucks glistening shiny
it's like they're all like they've come from a parade or a museum or something but they're
glistening chrome it just seems like i'm more i'm impressed i'm mainly just impressed by
the maintenance that these truck drivers yeah the effort just yeah they must be polishing these
things every day it's day Just to look more American
It's a nation of magpies, Phil
The other thing here
Is just how many flags there are everywhere
And this is New York, this is a blue state
I mean, this is
The rest of the country considers this state
Well
Traitors
But there's still flags
My hotel is a cool Kind of artsy boutique hotel
in brooklyn and out the front the stars and the stripes hanging outside like not not ironic just
completely normal yeah even in like a hipster hotel they're like well obviously we'll have
an absolutely enormous flag really peculiar like in lond London, maybe the Ritz or the handful of really old-fashioned hotels
might have the Union flag outside, but it'd be weird for them.
Imagine you go to Hotel Ibis and there's just a Union flag hanging outside.
You'd be like, what's going on here?
It'd be like, is the Queen sleeping here?
If there is a big Union flag outside a British hotel,
it tends to have other flags.
Like a hostel.
Right, right, right, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there could be a Union flag.
It's like backpackers of the world are welcome or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
Or if there's a theme.
I mean, certainly if you walk past a pub
and it had an enormous union flag hanging from a pole above it,
you'd go, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Not going in there.
Ho, ho, ho.
They don't stock Asahi, I can tell that already.
I don't think it's one of those pubs that started doing Thai food.
I don't think so.
It might do.
It's probably a pub that...
If I ask for a non-alcoholic beer in there,
they will call me gay.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
They'll call the manager down
so he can do it.
But yeah, here, just flags everywhere. flags flags really peculiar it's it's funny i mean i if i'm if i've mentioned this before it was a long long time ago so i don't
feel too bad um when they made horrid henry the in a british classroom like in an american
classroom they had this enormous british flag hanging in the corner from like a pole.
Oh.
But that's a thing in American schools, seemingly.
Oh, right.
Well, that was an American production about a British school.
Well, they wanted to make it look like a school
for the viewers, which were, you know,
the money's not in the UK.
Oh, I see.
So it was an almost orientalized understanding of what a british school
what would the equivalent of orientalizing be for the uk what would that word be
well i guess we are to the east of america so maybe we could keep it but oh that's true
that's true half occidentalizing i mean that we're anglala... Oh, yeah. Well, Anglic...
But Anglicize just sounds like an English language.
Whatever it is, Phil, it's what's going on in Bridgerton.
Yeah, yeah.
This kind of...
Brit fetishizing.
Well, yeah, this kind of fetishizing
and extremely poorly understood facsimile of a country.
Yeah. I've had to watch some Bridgerton, Phil, andsimile of a country. Yeah.
I've had to watch some Bridgerton, Phil,
and I was not a fan.
Yeah, I've seen a little bit.
What really strikes me about Bridgerton
is that it looks like they just filmed a play.
Like, you can see the stitching kind of thing, you know?
It looks...
The grading is, like, so bright.
Yeah.
It's really odd. It grading is so bright. Yeah. It's really odd.
It's very sixth form.
Yeah.
I don't mind...
I'm not like a 90-year-old reader of the Daily Mail.
I don't care that it's got not white people in.
That's fine.
I don't give a shit about that.
What bothers me is that it's not supposed to be any when.
Right, except it sort of is as well.
They do make allusions to when they are.
Sort of Elizabethan, right?
Or something like that.
No, later.
But they sort of make references, but then you sort of go,
but then why is that happening?
And it's all sort of, it's like a kind of cosplay school play thing.
It's sort of a bunch of hot people dressed in clothes
they think are nice sort of farting about really and it admittedly
I'm talking about series 2 here but the
script is full of like um you know like
they're kind of like hilariously bad
expositional dialogue right you know
people going ah brother there's a lot of
that brother what are you doing in our family home is that that sort of
thing right right right there you go okay but it like it's not just once like oh we just have to
get this it's unpleasant but let's just do it's like constant why isn't they remind people about
the same expositionary points just throughout the whole thing like it's it's it Like it's the way that you would write dialogue for people with acute short-term memory disorder.
Well, that's what I had yesterday
because I was, you know, exhausted.
But Pierre, do you want to have a guess
at what my journey time was from Melbourne to New York?
Ooh, okay.
Let's see.
I know the longest flight you can take
is Singapore to New York.
Okay.
I think the new...
A couple of years ago, the new one is Darwin
to London, isn't it? Oh, is it?
Okay. I think so.
But still long. That's a long old
one.
Surely at least like 12 hours. I think so But still long That's a long old one I'm going to
Surely at least like 12 hours
So this is from Melbourne
Melbourne to New York
It was meant to be Melbourne to LA to New York
And then a couple of days beforehand
Found out my Melbourne flight had been cancelled
So I had to flight from Sydney
And from Melbourne to Sydney
And then Sydney to LA
And then LA to New York
So how long do you reckon that journey was?
Oh, with all the jumps and changes, like total.
Yeah, yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, fucking hell.
20 hours?
26 hours, man.
Get away from my clock.
Really?
26 hours. 26? 26 hours.
26?
Fuck me.
And what's the time difference?
Like at least 10 hours?
I think it's like three months.
No, it's like you could not have picked a more opposite time zone to be in.
I think it's 14 hours.
Jesus Christ.
So I have to flip exactly my day cycle.
So it was a 26-hour journey 40 hours into the future.
14.
I think 14 hours backwards or something.
Oh, no, but plus to the 26, I'm saying.
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh'm sorry oh yeah yeah right oh no no no i think it takes away 14 hours so i had this weird thing where you go over the
international date line or something yeah so i left i left melbourne um evening of the 17th and
i arrived in new york first thing in the morning on the 18th
which doesn't make sense no after 26 hours of of having to let's be honest smell a bit like ball
bags oh for sure terrible and i was as guilty as anyone i was farting on that plane i'm not ashamed
no i well yeah um i am ashamed but I'm also willing to admit now.
Yeah.
Yeah, big old journey, big old time.
But, you know, I'll give you this.
The immigration guys in LAX, they're much nicer.
The Californians are more relaxed, it seems, than in New York.
The last time when I came through New York at JFK,
last time i was
terrified because you know the customs officers here have guns yeah that's amazing the people
who check your passport you can be looking down and they ask so what are you doing here in the
united states they can be smiling and they've got just a gun next to them they've got a gun on
it's it's so scary who do you think will have a gun on them. It's so scary.
Who do you think will have a gun next?
What do you think it escalates up to?
Petrol pump guys, they should have a gun.
Well, I mean, the joke is teachers, right?
They always say teachers are going to soon have guns.
Are there schools where there's a gun locked away under the teacher's desk?
I don't know.
I think so already.
There must be somewhere in the southern US there must be a school that's like
like a production
to borrow a metaphor
Frankie Boyle once used
like a cowboy musical
yeah
it's just mad
I do remember the
immigration guys in New Yorkork the thing i found
unnerving was them screaming the word aliens
like they're in men in black yeah because that's what anyone not anyone without a u.s passport
aliens over here like waving over the aliens and then the realization that you're an alien
they're so dramatic yeah everyone thinks they're in a movie but still it's exciting to be in
america um i'm my first show in in america's tomorrow in brooklyn the new york shows are
sold out but keep an ear out to the New York fans because I might be coming back
later on this year
I'm not saying anything just yet but I might be coming back
but for the rest of America please check out
my tour dates
I'm moving around the states all the way to the west coast
over the next few weeks
so go on my website
get on the guys website for goodness sake
please
please well Phil I think Get on the guy's website for goodness sake. Please. Please!
Well, Phil, I think we should do some
by definition international
correspondence.
Oh yeah, sure.
Correspondence So
Elle gets in touch
Elle
I love the name Elle
Elle you must smell
Wonderful
She signs off that Elle rhymes with smell
It does
Look it was the obvious choice
But sometimes the obvious ones are the best.
Occam's razor and everything.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
It's true.
So the subject line of Al's email is, I used to scold my pee for being impolite.
Fair enough.
So Al says, dear log fathers.
Log fathers. I like that. That's new. The log father. so Al says dear log fathers log fathers
I like that
that's new
the log father
and there's a photo
of Pierre
in the godfather
sort of black background
and you put like
a bow tie on
and you're sat
on the toilet
the log father
yes yeah
people have to come
and ask me for favours
while I'm trying
to have a shit
and you're doing
that Marlon Brando
face
that kind of
your lips pointed
downwards
but then like a poo comes out and my face goes back to normal And you're doing that Marlon Brando face. Your lips pointed downwards.
But then like a poo comes out and my face goes back to normal and I was just straining.
Okay, now I'm back to normal.
That's maybe why he was talking like that.
Dear Logfathers, I'm a recent Pistorian who upon hearing the comment that all poo-poo times are pee-pee times but not all pee-pee times are poo-poo times, ancient wisdom, was reminded of a childhood memory.
When I was about three years old, I found it incredibly unfair that pee nearly always interrupted poo, but poo never interrupted pee. It is unfair.
It's unfair to... Who is it unfair to?
It's unfair...
To Pooh?
It's unfair to Pooh, I guess.
Yeah.
That it gets interrupted, yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah?
How inconsiderate of Pooh,
especially when Pooh made an appearance far less often.
Sometimes I can't
believe what this podcast is about.
I'm always amazed,
not as amazed as
you are, I think, but our fans are like
people with doctorates and
stuff. Yeah, and
they're attractive. I've
met so many pod buds in melbourne
and they're fair they're good looking they seem like they've got their lives together
they've got like partners they have they live full rich inner lives and then they send us this
they send us this filth, this childish flotsam.
It's extraordinary.
Because they're always good looking.
I'm stunned when someone comes and says they listen to the podcast. And they're like, they look like influencers.
I'm flabbergasted every time, I have to say.
What I love is that until it started happening more and more,
and you had to confront this fact that our listeners are happy, healthy people by and large,
was that clearly you were picturing Igor.
Or if a pod bud ever talked to you after a gig, it would be from underneath a filthy cloak.
If a pod bud ever talked to you after a gig,
it would be from underneath a filthy cloak.
Yeah, I saw a picture that all the pod buds could be played by Jack Black.
That's how I saw them.
Or just like mysterious...
Like people in fantasy movies
who have to cover themselves completely.
Because it turns out they've been cursed or something.
Hello!
Yeah, like a Gollum kind of thing.
Yeah.
Or like a Voldemort Gollum.
Like a cross between Voldemort Gollum, Dobby...
Who else?
Quasimodo.
Yeah, yeah.
And the Elephant Man.
That's how I always pictured every pod bud.
No, whereas they are.
So Stinky Elephant Man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We start getting correspondence about how someone shat themselves
when they got in trouble with their cardinal
or whatever adopted father for flirting with a a gypsy lady
at a fair hang on a minute um so what is uh so l so um being upset i would scold my P2 give Pooh a chance to shine for once
I mean this is unhinged even for one of our
emails I think
we're literally at
woman shouts at own urine
this is like something you would
read about in USA Today
or
is that the crazy one? what's the one where it's like, my husband's an alien
and impregnated me with a ghost?
This is more like something you'd read
in an otherwise
quite somber diary of a young Victorian
doctor.
Right, okay, yeah, yeah.
It's also
something that Igor, as in
Novak Djokovic's
health advisor, Igor, would do to pee you know how
he was shouting at water to make it turn green yes yeah because shouting at water makes it poisonous
and complimenting it doesn't so if you shout at your pee it'll have all your poison in maybe
yeah or maybe if you shout enough at pee you will pass your drugs test maybe you can shout
steroids out of the urine sample.
Get out of there!
Get out of there!
You're shouting at your own piss.
You're going to get me in trouble!
You're going to fuck this whole thing up for me!
Get out of there.
So this lady would shout at her own wee,
give Pooh a chance to shine for once.
My mum was anal, pardon the pun, about good manners,
which clearly rubbed off on me at a young age, clearly.
In fact, my mum thought farts were so disgusting and rude we weren't even allowed to
say the word fart instead we had to call them fluffs no that's worse that's grosser yeah that's
more gross a fluff yuck that made me go they gave me like tingles it's so horrible isn't it i've
heard of that before i think fluff oh yeah really horrible because then
i'm imagining like an ass full of cotton wool or something yeah no thanks it's also like because
it's a bit creepy farts can be bad but they're not creepy yeah that's creepy they're not creepy
um in a brilliant cosmic twist my sister was later diagnosed with severe ulcerative colitis.
What is that?
Well, it's a condition of the bowel.
Oh, dear.
Yeah, a very serious one.
She underwent three surgeries to remove her colon
and construct a new colon out of her small intestine.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
Yeah. Much to my mum's dismay,
this experience forced us all to speak
frankly, openly, and often about poos and farts.
Yeah.
Gosh, I hope it didn't happen because she was holding in her farts
all the time for a month. Well, hopefully not.
My sister had an
ostomy between the first and third surgeries.
She can attest to the
fact that ostomies do burst if they are not
emptied in time and the worst place for this
to happen is at a frat party
oh so you can call
the colostomy bag an ostomy
apparently
bursting at a frat
party though that is like something from an American
movie that has a frat party in it
spring break
bag break more like.
The bag break.
I also wanted to share some historical
knowledge, having recently re-listened to some of your
early episodes. You guys once spent nearly
three minutes just chatting about even
numbers.
Cool guys.
Cool guys. And you know what? I'm annoyed that we spent cool guys cool guys
and you know what I'm annoyed that we spent
three minutes talking about even numbers
I'm annoyed we spent an odd number
of minutes talking about even numbers
I agree actually that is irritating
I actually wish I wasn't aware of that now
that's going to bug me
so there's
she says thanks for making the stool cool from l rhymes with
but there is an addendum here okay so l and i think this is um useful i hope she doesn't mind
because this is an old email because we're so bad at our emails but much more recently she says dear log fathers patreon founding father here oh so she stuck with us yeah that's great um join the patreon
she said i was so excited because if you join and you subscribe for uh one or two months you get
stickers bud pod stickers of course um and they're pretty good i've seen
some in real life and i can attest to their quality one uh one guy at i think i saw in
bristol he had stickers on his um water bottle phil and it survived a dishwasher experience
oh wow i know that's a high quality sticker i think you should put the Bud Pod stickers on your toilet like people do on their MacBooks. Yeah.
But on the toilet.
Yeah.
I think that's right.
Unassisted.
Yeah.
Along with any drawings you've done.
So, Elle says, I was so excited to receive my Bud Pod stickers in the mail.
However, I'm temporarily living with my parents and my mom, spelled American-wise.
My mom received the package when it arrived
it was admittedly difficult to explain to my uptight
American mother what Koji meant
and why I would have a
sticker claiming I was a pilot
I knew things had gone too far when she asked
me to explain what jacking it meant.
Well, well done for even just telling her what the abbreviation stood for.
Yeah, good for you instead of just making up something.
She said, I told her it meant skipping Sunday church.
Wow, that's very good.
And it does sound correct.
It does sound kind of correct. Yeah, because at least it's quite clever because it's a lie, but it's still rude.
She's not trying to say it stands for something nice.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
She hasn't tried to say that Koji stands for no of Jesus's intentions.
Or something.
It's a brown lie.
It's like a white lie, but it's a brown lie.
Look, it's a brown lie.
It was nothing but a brown lie. She says, I white lie, but it's a brown lie. Look, it's a brown lie. It was nothing but a brown lie.
She says, I think she bought it. I love the podcast. Keep on skipping church. From Elle.
Great. Nice one, Elle.
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
Yes, good stuff. It's amazing.
This podcast has really opened my eyes
as to the amount of people exposed it directly or indirectly to ostomy.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's obviously more common than you realize.
Yeah.
We just about have time for this email from Rob.
Rob the Slob.
Get a job.
Get a job, Rob the Slob.
He says,
G'day, guys.
Ah.
Phil, you know what that means. Now, obviously,
I don't speak that language.
Yeah, g'day.
It means sort of
hello and goodbye
in sort of the sense of aloha,
in the same way of aloha.
Yeah, so g'day.
It can be formal, informal.
Yeah, so Australian for hello, goodbye,
and nice to meet you,
and that'll be 5.99,
And nice to meet you.
And that'll be $5.99.
And everybody off the bus.
And that's it, actually.
Australians have, of course, over a thousand words for coffee.
So Rob says, I've been meaning to email you guys for some time now,
as I'm a founding father based down here in Australia Lovely
Lovely
Sorry to have missed you Rob
Maybe maybe not
I caught your first episode
The day after it was released by pure luck
And I haven't missed one since
Oh wow that's so cool
I love that sort of thing
Now this is interesting here's the time difference
My Thursday wouldn't be the same
without some good poo-related chuckles from you guys.
Serious praise redacted here.
Wow.
Thursday.
Imagine, Pierre,
a world in which Bud Pod comes out on Thursday.
Yeah.
I mean, it's unthinkable.
Yeah.
So, number one, he says,
I recently bought a house house and to my happy surprise
all the toilets in it are Novelli branded
really?
yeah no E at the end though
were you aware of this brand
of toilet pier?
I mean that's pretty perfect
loosely I think I was
it doesn't exist in the UK thank god
certainly I would be
I would have been upset if they started doing all the toilet say in schools yeah that would have been that would have been rough
yeah so it's missing the e at the end um he says i know it's missing the e at the end it hasn't
stopped me from renaming my usual morning routine from drowning a brown snake to taking my morning
pierre nice that's good which is pretty good now to be fair i have been trying to think of what a
daily phil wang could be but have come up short any help or suggestions would be welcome
i mean it's such a shame that the wang computer is no longer being made because the daily wang
could just be you checking up your emails something fun like that no you could check
you could check your daily wang while sat on the univelli yes you
could you could yeah that's true um so number two he says a coolest uncool confirmation a while back
phil mentioned in an episode that archery was in the coolest uncool category
yeah as someone who has done the sport for 25 years and also works in the sport i can 100
confirm that archery unfortunately
falls in this group.
Proof of this happens almost daily when I'm asked,
what do you do for a living? And I try to respond with,
I work in a high-performance sport
to try and avoid a series
of questions about Robin Hood, tights,
shooting apples off heads, and is it really
a sport if you stand still all day?
That is funny.
That's really funny.
The shameful archer.
Good pub.
The shameful archer, yeah.
Great pub.
I think that's in the Canterbury Tales, isn't it?
The shameful archer.
Yeah, the sign for the shameful archer pub would be
a little boy with an apple on his head and an arrow through his head.
would be a little boy with an apple on his head and an arrow through his head.
Well, I personally feel that archery is the best sport ever.
It is clear from these years of disappointed responses
that archery needs some massive work to reach cool status.
Yes.
It is a classic thing of like,
you go, archery, that's lame.
But if you were handed a bow and arrow,
you'd have to wrestle that thing off me.
I'd be like, let me try one more, let me try one be like let me do one more let me try one more let me try one more of course it's a yeah
and if there was ever a situation where someone needed you to to do some archery and you just
absolutely smashed it you'd be dining off that for the rest of your life oh absolutely yeah and
it's kind of thing that you know every job has to face that question,
if society were to collapse tomorrow,
would you be of any use?
Now, I dare say an archer would be more use than a comedian.
I think so. I think so. And also, if he shot someone with his bow to eliminate them,
he could get his arrows back at least.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah you can
return them to your inventory if you walk over
the body yeah and it goes
click click and you get another
one
it'll shk
it'll shk noise
yes
or you can go back to the same
lady who cut your hair and she can hammer them
back into a shape
If they break
So number three
And finally he says
The main reason for my email
Is to divulge my worst poo story
Yes
A few years back
I was living in NZL
New Zealand I guess that NZL. New Zealand?
I guess that is New Zealand.
New Zealand.
And had only bought a small two-bedroom unit that was connected to only one other.
Okay, so it's like a semi-detached, we'd say.
Oh.
I'd taken to running marathons a few years prior to try and get a bit fitter.
What I should also mention is I've had issues with IBS for some time.
Okay, okay, yes. welcome to the podcast, yes.
I was out on a morning run when I had decided at the last minute to change my route.
I'd gotten bored of my usual loop and thought my body felt okay to try a new one.
In hindsight, this was a big mistake.
He's put that in bold, even in the email.
In hindsight, this was a big mistake.
He's put that in bold, even in the email.
The physical action of running and IBS means that in mere minutes,
things can go from all smiles to some serious clenching.
I like that. That sounds like something a sports commentator would say.
It's gone from all smiles to serious clenching here.
Over my old running routes, I knew where every bush hedge and public toilet was So I could safely use one
In case the old brown demon ever reared its terrible turtle head
Yeah
Very nice
I hadn't thought of that, yeah
Unbeknownst to me at the time
The new route I had chosen was along a very suburban road
And had almost no, quote, cover
Mmm
Yeah
Yeah, you'd have to ask someone to use their house.
Yeah.
I was two kilometres from home
when the first and only warning bell chimed.
2K.
Ding dong.
Mm-mm-mm.
I found there's only usually two ways to play the situation.
Slow down and walk to try and stop the bouncing or muscle strain,
slash run like hell and hope you make a safe space yeah yeah i i i i tough turn into that sort of a speed walking kind of thing
just like real close together like a like your robot just you look like c-3po walking like a
guy who's angry in the 50s. All upright, bending almost backwards.
Why I oughta.
Shaking my fist at my own ass.
Yeah.
Why I oughta.
Or scolding your piss, you know.
On this occasion, I chose the run like hell option.
I figured I was relatively fast enough.
You can't outrun your own bum.
That's what they say.
It's always just behind you.
And I could be home in minutes.
Well, unlike a Bond film,
where the hero makes it in the nick of time,
I was the villain.
It's made me laugh.
I was the villain.
And barely made it even halfway
before everything went code brown.
I just couldn't hold it.
I had to choose my spot in seconds
and then just cross my fingers no one would see
I chose a tree by the footpath and let loose
It was both great to rid my body
of the demon and terrifying that someone might see me
Yeah
Bittersweet
My heart leapt as I thought I was going to make it without
a soul knowing. Sheer happiness
Yet as wave two was leaving the building
my brand new neighbor who had recently
purchased the unit next to mine drove past
oh no
what a fucking coincidence
no
that's just the kind of small community
you get in New Zealand though
that's it yeah
it was one of those moments where time slowed down
we locked eyes and I could clearly see her eyes widen
and her mouth drop oh that's my new neighbor he's
the funny thing is that's terrible over the next few years the neighbor and i never once mentioned
it the communication between us involved very little eye contact and few words other than hey and small comments about the weather
oh wow
yeah lovely day outside yeah
no it's perfect weather to
oh
um
were you about to say perfect weather to shit on a tree
no
um I don't even know what you're talking about
no I don't why would I
no I've never seen that nearby No, I don't even know what you're talking about. No, I don't. Why would I?
No, I've never seen that nearby.
Well, that is all we have time for, PodBirds, in this zone.
Yes, thank you for listening. We will now hasten away to the private Patreon area.
We will run the 2K with clenched buttocks into a new area.
Any PodBuds in America, please check out my dates.
I'm here for a few weeks.
Come to the shows.
It would be lovely to see you.
And anyone who still hasn't watched my YouTube special,
I assume you all have.
You better have.
There will be a test.
It's just on YouTube.
And watch it, please.
It's very good.
All right.
Bye till next time.
And see the Patreons in the bonus pod.
Bye.