BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 199 - Can you go bigger?

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

Phil is a hero with good karma! Pierre begins his Soho run! The lads chat happy valley and failing to follow up on recommends, acting styles, the comedy of Sex and the City. Correspondence from Lewis and Georgia the bully. sketch is meditation app mocha goblin. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 199. 199. Drinking brine. We will be if we don't sort out climate change. That's nice. That's topical. Thank you. I just want to remind everyone to Sort out climate change. Sort out climate change.

Add it to the daily to-do list yeah it's on us guys it's not on the way china or india it's on us individuals if only enough people in a regional english town switch from one type of, say, teabag to another, all of those plastic rope fragments in the Indian Ocean will go. And I think that's more than fair as requests go. For me, pollution now, and I did an interview in The Guardian a couple of weeks ago. It's called The Guardian Q&A. It's been going for a couple of weeks ago right the guy's called the guardian q a he's been going for a couple of decades now and one of the questions is what's your guiltiest pleasure and i said fossil fuels yeah and that is my guiltiest pleasure and from time to time as a

treat i'll throw plastic into the normal bin instead of washing it out and that's my treat to myself now my treat for me used to be like sweets. And then it was wanks. And now it's throwing away plastic without washing it. Sweets. Wanks. Plastic pollution. This is the pipeline of sin.

Yeah. That's like a flowchart from like a very right-wing Christian pastor. Right. Who's like green right-wing. You know what they call green-brown? Yeah. Right. Give your kids sweets? Yes.

Soon they'll be wanking. Once they're done with wanking, there's plastic in the ocean. Yeah. That's their warning. Yeah. I met this green conservative in California who had an electric car but a taser on him at all times.

I was like, oh, this is what they're talking about. But it's like that old riddle. What creature eats sweets in the morning, wanks in the afternoon? And throws plastic into the normal bin at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it Phil?

It is man. It is man. It is I and thee. Yeah, putting it into the bin as a treat. I had a routine for a while that was about how insane I felt rinsing out my rubbish before I put it in the bin. Like, better make sure it's clean for the bin. Jim Gaffigan had a joke about it.

He was like, I'm cleaning my garbage. I haven't had a shower yet. Of course Gaffigan covered it. That fat religious man. He's everywhere. Many kids. Many kids?

Many, many kids. So many little gaffigans How you been? We're in person We are in person everyone On Monday the 30th Pierre's Soho show run starts tonight It starts tonight

I'm polishing my shoes Yeah, your shiny shoes Your shiny soft shoes But it's sold really well Is this sold out? There will be. There's a whole complicated thing where what venues do is they hold back a small number of tickets for emergencies

and then release them at the last minute. So it's worth trying. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, should I try? You should try. Always try. Always try. I mean, you know, Phil,

I do a radio show on saturdays with frank skinner yes and emily dean and his philosophy admittedly as a very famous man with connections yeah is no show is ever sold out right meaning practically meaning there's always some like return or yes some way of doing it or yeah i mean his connections aside he's right even in the sense of just for for normal muggles. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, I mean, I'll do a run and it'd be like, total sellout, completely sold out. And then I'll get the report at the end.

It'll say 98% sold. And you go, I thought there were no seats left at all. So yeah, he's right. There is always... A little dribble. A little dribble, yeah. A little post-sale... Scoit. Of seats, yeah. But little post-sale... Squoit!

...of seats, yeah. But yeah, I've got to make sure I know the show. I've got to know it. Do you run it to yourself before you go to the show? I've been doing some muttering. Yeah, yeah. A little muttering helps. Yeah, a little whispering, a little muttering.

Like a wizard. Mm-hmm. Yeah, a little whispering, a little muttering, like a wizard. A little writing it out in sort of keyword form, like a sort of set list. Yes, yes, yes. You know when it's gibberish to anyone else? Yep. And you end up just going like, okay, I need to remember.

Crabs, rope, cousin, barbecue. Okay. And then that's like a seven-minute routine about hats yeah yeah okay right yeah it's amazing how like i can remember all the words but i can't i can very remember which order the big chunks go so yeah yeah um that's one advantage is that this show follows a long line of thought yeah so there's an extent to which i can sort of bleed into the next thing a bit easier but i what i'm trying to make sure is i remember the very specific phrasings of certain sentences that's the key isn't it yes the funniest word here is alpaca don't say llama alpaca is much funnier that kind of thing yeah yeah or yeah and that's the logical beats of each

routine where at which point to give them which bit of information sometimes i mess that up if i haven't done it for a while and i give away too much information it kind of ruins the worst is when you but also the worst is the other one where at the end of the routine it kind of gets a laugh and you go no there was bacon there was bacon as well. Fuck. And everyone goes, oh. Yeah. I'd rather have a dot of piss on my trousers than commit that sin. So how long is your run for now? It is Monday the 30th all the way to February the 8th.

No Sunday. That's the Lord's Day. He is reserved that day. He gets a private gig that day. I perform for the Lord in Dubai I'm being flown to Dubai to do my fucking Fringe show to One of the more eccentric sheikhs

No that is where God would have his private gig If God came down you would have to go to Dubai To Do the gig for him wouldn't you On the international waters I don't know where he would... Yes, that's true. Because if God came back,

wherever he popped up would be overly favoured. Right. Like if he popped up in like a suburb of Helsinki, everyone would be like, but why? Is Helsinki better?

We are the chosen Christian nation. Yeah, well, that's it. If you were God, right, you've got to... Like you say, I think International Waters is a good show. Yeah, well, that's it. So if you were God, right, you've got to, like you say, I think international waters is a good shot. Well, yeah, because then he can't go to Dubai because it's the same God, isn't it, really? Yeah, the God of Abraham.

Yeah, so he'd have to go somewhere that is not an Abrahamic religion. Or maybe like an uninhabited island. Yeah. Yeah, or Disneyland. Yes, the mouse country yeah and then the first the first christ returns and the first thing you see him doing is crushing mickey mouse's head with a sandaled foot as a false god right of course you have worshipped the mouse for too long offended beware false mice pulls the head off yeah and then suddenly even though it's like clearly a mascot the head's got all like a spine and there we go it was real the whole time it was a demon we all thought there was a guy in there but that's just the demon had eyes in its mouth

that's how it looked speaking of saviors I saved someone's life on the way here. Beg pardon? I had saved someone's life. I was on the tube on the Piccadilly line. The Piccadilly line. The silliest line. The silliest line. The Piccadilly line.

Ha, ha. Yeah. And chugging, chugging, chugging along, we stopped at... Which station did we stop at? King's Cross, I think. Hmm. And a bunch of people in front of me got up and got off and then i looked up and there was a phone on the seat and it took me a couple of seconds because the first my first instinct is like that phone has always been

there and will always be there and then i have to think about it. Yeah, yeah. And then I think about it. Wait, no, that probably was left by the last person. Or was it? Maybe it's been there for a while. Yeah. It's a bit broken. Does anyone actually want it? And it took me maybe about two seconds.

And then I just leant over and grabbed it. And I stuck my head out. And there was one so fearful looking man. I went, excuse me, did someone leave this? And he saw me and he went, oh, thank you. And he took it. And then the train moved on. And what a rush.

Yeah. I saved someone's week at least. Easily, yeah. I'm like, the only way you didn't is if that guy was looking fearful like, I haven't stolen enough phones today. I've got to meet my quota. I mean, maybe he would have noticed in time and jumped back on. But I don't know.

I don't know. It's a rush. It is a rush. Because he probably, I think he was sort of patting himself down. But it would have taken him a few seconds to think, where did I leave it? Did I leave it at home? Maybe it's on the train.

Oh, it's on the train. He turned around and the door was closed. I think he would have missed it. But yeah. it's great and what i know now is also that thank you is never actually as grateful as a person actually feels like do you ever anyone ever hand you like a passport you dropped or a card or something important or a seat or a ticket or something and this thing's really important to you you go oh but you're kind of embarrassed so you go oh thank you you don't actually give them the real honest thank you which is thank you so much this is me it's

so much trouble you should fall to the floor like a like a peasant yeah i think i think the the level of gratitude is in the sort of the the kind of oh that's in the thank you that's sort of the relief the relieved sort of release of gas yeah Yeah, yeah, exactly. Thank you. Yeah, exactly. Because otherwise it's like, oh, thank you. And it's like, thank you. Exactly. It's like they're trying to hold back a big burp.

Yeah. The burp of shame. They say thank you like they're Tom Hanks at the end of Captain Phillips. It's like, okay, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I had that the other day on on the pick a silly line weirdly really yeah it wasn't it's a line where everyone leaves their shit on because they're all silly they're all being silly i've made a silly mistake it's the silliest line that's a silly line it wasn't someone's life e.g their phone it was someone's like retail experience

well they're shopping it was fancy shopping though because it was at kensington yeah and there was three not loud americans but like they were talking on the tube and no one else was so i guess they were loud relatively and there were those really rich americans who live in london right okay cashmere turtlenecks right right right okay that's the thing is that if you got a soho and it's a right kind of and you're gonna you know yeah that thing but but but sort of cultured and incredibly visibly wealthy and they had bags that were like um you know when someone has bags and you go i don't even recognize the brand on that bag i just know it's something expensive yeah

there's so many accents on those vowels yeah yeah every vowel has an accent on it yeah and that brand and the color of the bag is either like navy blue or like deep crimson and it's a really small brand in white text on the yes and it's written in like um uh sort of a copper plate gothic yeah the bag looks more expensive than the shit that's in it totally yeah yeah their bag looks more expensive than the shit that's in it totally yeah yeah their bag looks more expensive than the shit that's in your bag yeah yeah their container is more expensive than my content exactly and i it was and they had a bunch of them and they'd clearly been to some sort of illuminati shop to buy illuminati scarves or whatever and i and they were talking and um being cultured and very wealthy and uh yeah this this very sort of high heels turtleneck lady left one of the expensive bags

oh and i just went it was that same delay i know what you mean where you go bag bag yeah excuse me oh my god thank you so much huh did what did the shit that was inside look expensive it's just a bigger whole gold bar it was just really heavy but you're right over those first couple of seconds i swear there's like a microsecond when i saw the phone on the seat early today where my brain went oh the phone the phone is just riding the train maybe the phone is just riding the train like those um dogs you see on social media sometimes this dog takes the bus every friday for his hot dog there was a moment don't be weird the phone's just riding the train leave that phone alone he's visiting relatives you don't want him to bug you

i did have a second where i thought that that bar of gold is just on its way to... But, yeah, so what was her thank you like? Oh, my God, thank you. That sort of, like, big hand gesture, thank you. Right, right. I was also, like, it's fun, isn't it, to hand someone something leaning out of a train door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool. It's very, like, it's very sort of all aboard. Yeah. You know, like, I'm leaving for the war Quick take this diary Yeah yeah yeah Next stop Cincinnati So you're lucky I found you

Just that sort of weird whistle sound thing goes off Thank you goodbye She runs alongside the train As it takes off Bye waving a handkerchief at you And you're leaning out the window waving waving the gold bar um yeah so i'm a hero yep um today i'm going to feel like a hero all day there is someone out there phil who without you would not be scrolling through social media

getting more and more angry about fringe issues. Yeah, there's a man out there getting radicalized. Yeah. Who wouldn't be radicalized were it not for me. He would have had to forcefully, forced to have a whole day off. Four hour YouTube video deep dives. Yeah. About how, I don't know.

About how the American election was stolen in 2020. The election was stolen by by covid which isn't real yeah and i've allowed him to do that you've made sure he stays on the path he's on is that karma the path that you're on he's made you've made sure he stayed on the path he's on or like you've you've made sure his fate is the same you haven't changed his fate. He was on a path. Okay.

And it was going to be interrupted. Oh. You made sure. Regardless of if it's good or bad. Right, okay. You're pro-fate. Maybe that's Dharma. Maybe that's...

Dharma's negative karma, isn't it? Is it? Is it anti-karma? Jeffrey Dharma. It's Jeffrey Dharma. He's got terrible karma. He's got terrible karma. That's a fun little he's got terrible karma he's got terrible karma that's a that's a fun little playground rhyme jeffrey dharma terrible karma yeah a californian playground

show him a woman and he'll harm her a man oh yeah oh he's one of the man ones he's one of the man ones it's true there's a broad two category. Well, that doesn't rhyme then. What about the idea of there's Jeffrey Dahmer and there's Jeffrey Karma? Jeffrey Karma's really nice. He's really, really nice. Jeffrey Karma. Yeah.

I think Dahmer is when it's bad, isn't it? I don't think so. I think Dahmer is sort of a different type of... The internet will tell us. Hi, I'm Dr. Alan Crum, Professor of Passivity at the University of... Try our new meditation app, Mindful Away.

Oh, don't listen to me. Here's a testimony from one of our public users, Graham. I used to have this problem where there was this cafe near my work and I'd go there on my breaks and every time I left the cafe I'd have my takeaway coffee, a mocha, in my hand and this gremlin would leap

out from uh a big bin they had this uh recycling bin outside it would leap out this so it was a maybe a goblin i don't know but it would come it would pop out the lid and it would slap me mocha out my hand but not up in the air but downwards in a downwards motion so it sort of splashed and shattered on me on my boots and um it was just destroying my life really just knowing that this would happen every day or every other day that the gremlin would slap me maca and this uh professor alan crumbs app helped me meditate and calm myself down so that when the gremlin did it, I didn't react. I was calm and I understood

that it was just something that would happen. There was nothing anyone could do and it stopped me from trying to scrabble into the bin and punch the gremlin in its home and find where it lived. Have you ever been to a Buddhist temple, Phil? I have. I would have imagined that you had.

Yeah. Because of Malaysia. Yeah, well, I have Buddhist relatives. So I've been to a Buddhist wedding, which is, the hymns are not nice. It's a sort of humming, but not in a sort of calming way, in a kind of screechy way.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Screechy? Yeah. But it's fine. Oh, okay. So dharma is a Sanskrit word that means law or decree. Karma is the sum of all a person's actions

through all of his lives. Say this again word that means law or decree. Karma is the sum of all a person's actions through all of his lives. Say this again. Dharma means law or decree, something like the rules. And karma is the sum of all of a person's actions through all of his lives, past and present. So karma is like your... Your behavior. Yes. It's your ethical current account.

Yes. Although this one says dharma is the result of your karma that is playing out now. What? What? Dharma refers to one's lifelong duty. Hmm. Okay. Well, maybe that's your Dharma is to save people's phones.

Maybe. Phones for you. Yeah. save people's phones maybe phones for you um it feels good to be a hero it feels good to save someone's life were you into that show heroes i didn't watch the first episode i was like this is cool and i watched another one again you just go hey i don't care about this yeah i think i don't really care about it i think it's fine what show i have been into recently and i've binged in like two days is uh the first series of happy valley have you watched really everyone i haven't everyone this is it is riding happy valley's dick yeah so but the first series came out in 2014

and the next one's coming out this year it's been around forever some northern crime northern British yeah it's described on the BBC as the northern noir

and I I don't watch British cop dramas because they're fucking terrible Britain yeah

the British there's something about I was talking to a friend yesterday and she said, yeah, she agrees. And it's because they don't really know

how British people talk. And the problem with British dramas is that it's all heightened to sort of what British people think emotion is. Because British people are so emotionally repressed. They don't know what emotion is. So these actors go and they go, and you go, this isn't real, this isn't acting.

I think it's because of stage. Yeah, and stage, and there's such a theatre tradition here where you have to express yourself so much so that people up top can see you and wherever. And so the dramas are bad and the cop dramas are awful, and they don't make much sense, especially not a drama set in London, because you just go, well, they would have just been caught on CCTV. But this makes sense because it's out in Yorkshire.

Yeah. And it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's so good. Really? Yeah. And the main lady, Sarah Lancashire, which is a fantastic name for the actor to have. Yes. She's sensational sensational she's so good and it's what makes it good is that it's very honest about how british people talk and actually are and are yes it's not in yorkshire yeah it's

not this of heightened cartoonish we imagine we would be this way in this um heightened like midsummer murders i've never really watched any of that well that's kind of a cartoon i mean more like um what's the one that everyone loves the that was the the catchphrase was like um i do one thing i find bent coppers that one oh the bad policemen finders the The blue people, the thin blue people. Fuck, what was that? It was huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I try to watch it.

I just feel like this is, I don't believe any of this. They won't talk like this. It's too, it's overly dramatic and it's overly acted. A friend of mine who, once he said it, Line of Duty.

Line of Duty, yeah. People love that show, but I never bought it. But I just turned on the first episode of Happy Valley because that's in Time to Kill and I was like, oh my God, this is it.

This is how this looks real. It would go down. This is how it would go down. A friend of mine said this and I believe him because he went to drama school. So he's at least qualified on paper. He was saying that it's because you're taught to act for stage

and radio and stuff more in the UK because radio and stage is much more accessible whereas TV and camera acting, it's all about up close. Yeah, exactly. So he was saying that the Americans are often crap at stage. Yes, exactly. And amazing on close-ups and vice versa here. Yeah.

Because the Americans are trained to be like, well, much more like... Subtle. Subtle or like just lift your eyebrow a bit. And I found that with even my like limited, like if I do a self-tape, I'm like, God, I've got like a fucking, I'm like a pantomime dame.

Oh, what? Like this awful big faces I'm pulling, like fucking Jim Carreyrey that's what people here want i think that's what casting people here look for because um i'm everything everything i have an audition for people they go can you try bigger and i just think no no because that's how i'm talking this how people talk isn't it yeah um what and then and then you go god i guess i did badly that and you're gonna watch a british drama show and it's it's fucking then you go, God, I guess I did badly at that. And you go and watch a British drama show and it's fucking terrible. And you go,

well, this is why. Because they hire people who go, boom, boom. You need to watch more of the really cartoonish ones like Midsommar Murders and see what you think. Right, okay. With old nettles. But Sarah Lancashire in Happy Valley,

she's sensational. And she acts like a real person in her act. And also means that when something horrible happens and people are very upset, it has more effect. Because they've been acting normally up to this point. And this is a big increase. Yeah. This is a big change.

Yeah. It's so good. And I was really blown away by it. And also, yes, last night I went to see... Okay, so this is the smartest I've ever felt last night I went I walked to

the picture house in Dulwich to watch Tar ooh the movie about the conductor yes and then on the walk back home

I listened to an episode of In Our Time about superconductivity double conductors oh fuck I completely missed that double conductors yeah

you Darren Browned yourself into listening to that episode. Of course. Why do I feel so interested in conductors at the moment? Conduction of some point. Was the Lady Antara a superconductor? Cate Blanchett. I thought the movie... I think Sarah Lancashire is a better actor.

Ooh. I think... Oscar tip tip she's not in a movie but i'm tipping it for you and again i think it almost speaks a similar kind of thing the so tara is about this very successful but so personally difficult and manipulative and egotistical conductor she's a sort of cancelable conductor from what i guess it's about cancel culture and about how she navigates that or doesn't um but it starts with this interview that she does with the new yorker in i don't know knowing america the why or something like this you know she's at some

they're at something called the why yeah and she's having a chat and you know she's the guy introduces her as this incredible conductor has achieved all these things and she sat there and she answers answers all these questions in a way that you just go oh she's acting she knows the words she's not actually speaking here yeah she's rattling off a script um and the delivery is just very like over the top the script is very pompous it's not very believable and then she tells this story while she's on there being it's in front of a live audience and she goes and uh she's talking about the history of conducting and where the baton came from and she said The first guy who did it

He actually ended up stabbing himself in the foot And the audience goes And they start to do a clap What? And I went with a comedian And we're both like, huh? Comedy is the worst portrayed thing in film They cannot do it

An Oscar nominated movie cannot figure out how people laugh because they don't do comedy they don't understand what people laugh at they can't and i a rat in there i was going they wouldn't that's wrong they would not have laughed like that they certainly wouldn't have applauded what are you applauding an anecdote yeah an anecdote like like a cheesy little history story then we get a gentle laugh yeah exactly at a history festival full of pensioners exactly exactly and i i i do agree that at events like that that are serious you get laughs for much much less than you would at a comedy show because people aren't expecting a joke disproportionate drama laughs but you would not get an enormous laugh and a round of applause at a sort of well done for remembering that fact yeah

the sort of like qi story about a conductor stabbing his foot with his baton that is bizarre yeah it's really weird because what they would have done is they're just going the script says it gets a good reaction so we'll do that yeah yeah you can't alter reality for the purposes of this like social reality he drinks a sip of coke so everyone else screams and shoots themselves in the head they wouldn't do that why what why is comedy they really don't get it they really don't get it the only time i've seen it portrayed so correctly is in pete holmes's series crashing crashing is the most accurate yeah but also elements of funny people i've not seen it's like seven hours long

because it's a judd apatow film right and it's the one where it's like seth rogan is trying to make it as a comedian and and it gets adam sandler kind of playing a version of himself takes him under his wing and okay you're not seeing it no you got to watch it just for the satisfaction of going oh yeah yeah sure sure but in anything else attempts to portray live comedy just gets it so wrong have you you seen the clips of the new series of, well, the newest series of Sex and the City? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. I've only seen them because of Fern.

Right, right, right. Fern sharing them and going, I'm having a stroke here. This is not fine. Yeah, what's the name of this of this of a podcast non-binary they've they've invented a character whose job is to represent current times yes so they've gone okay they're non-binary and they have a podcast and they're sort of quite butch yes and they're very like hey and the mere mention of the sex life is equivalent to a joke. And people will laugh at that and clap that.

Fern shared a clip where the, the lady just said, give me a cheer. If I've like fucked you, the whole audience goes like, except for the one sex in the city person. Who's like looking around like, golly,

is this what life is like now? You go, it's yeah. I don't think there are many gigs like, like that. So bad. gigs like like that so bad yeah it's so bad um and you just think has no one involved in this been to a comedy show but it's part of why you know what it is it's a it's there's two sides of the coin actually let's be fair because the reason that it gets portrayed in these fucking mad ways is that comedy to these people is

like being a wizard yes they don't get it and they just go but they don't get it but they're ds doesn't yeah they don't get it but they also think it's incredibly powerful in a way that frightens them and can do anything so they've gone um and the composer lady from tar um we need to show that she's charismatic and that's generally through humor so yes yes um she says something funny and everyone claps. Yeah, yeah. Like a wizard. He waves his wand and a dog appears. Yeah, but how would that happen? And they go, I don't know. I'm not a wizard.

It's like I always say on this. So few people can do this. So few people. You sit at the table with rich, rich people at a corporate and they look at you with envy because they can't do this. Which is silly. Oscar-nominated movie makers cannot do this but that's but we reap the rewards of this we complain yeah but it is useful to be perceived

as a wizard who does something impossible that's true we go thank god actually because they've gone well i don't know what these comedy gigs are like i imagine it's a enormous room full of attractive people who've all slept with the person on stage you go i go, I mean, no, but in a way it's kind of flattering that they think that, right? It's like if someone said to you, well, it's easy for you to say, with your giant house made of gold filled with admirers

and your Nobel Prize in the corner. You go, well, I don't have any of those things, but I'm glad that you think I do. I'm amazed that I've given you the impression that I... Have you the impression. Have you ever had that with someone that compliments you and you go, really? Oh, yeah. You sort of, in your head, you live like Lenny from The Simpsons when the front of the house falls down.

He's eating from that tin. Don't tell people how I live. That's you in your head. And someone else is like, we can't all have solid gold clogs. And you go, how have you come to this conclusion? Yeah. So the tar is half good.

Okay. And half, the first, first, that first scene is unwatchable. Half good, half poop. The interview scene,

I think is truly unwatchable. And, and, and then there's a scene where she sort of uh has an argument with a student she's teaching in a lecture theater at juilliard the music school and he and he's sort of an almost che diaz level uh caricature i've seen this quoted he's the wet the wet woke man. His job is to be wet and woke. He's basically saying he finds Bach problematic because he was a womanizer. She takes on the opposite position.

A big simulated culture moment. He's actually very good. He does his lines very, very well. But hers are a bit sort of overbaked. And the whole scene is done in one shot, one take, which everyone is like into now because it's impressive. But they should have just cut it up because it comes off so unnatural.

Can we edit this? Because they're just trying to remember all these lines. because they're just trying to remember all these lines. And it sort of keeps touching, it keeps sort of touching on all these interesting current themes and points, but never really does anything with them. So it's like a big movie where it could be just called Current Discourse. Yeah, yeah, but only the beginnings of it. So it's like scrolling through Twitter

Yeah, a little bit It's alright It's alright We're officially rooting for Everything Everywhere All at Once Oh, All Day Every Day All the Time Forever Michelle Yeoh Yeah, Malaysian lady

First ever East Asian woman Or Asian woman or Asian woman of any kind to be nominated all day every time forever really disappointing

sequel yeah just her fighting lizards she's Malaysian so she'd be there oh she'd be

you know it'd be bittersweet for me if she wins because then I can't be the first Malaysian to win an Oscar so you know

which is only which we don't just you'd beat me by i don't know two or two three years which is because you've got that film wang with an uh accent on the air yeah yeah where you're a comedian being interviewed at the start yeah and like um the birth of comedy i guess you could put you could put it near the feet of the ancient greeks when the yeah um you do um what's it what's the equivalent you making everyone cry oh because she makes everyone laugh yeah yeah yeah i move everyone to tears you say uh a joke about my dead dog or whatever and i I was just like, boop! I was just immediately crying loads, but for two seconds. And then all these dramatists

watching the movie go, oh, this is bullshit. Can you believe this? You know how hard it is to make people cry? So Tar is okay. He's okay. Everything,

everywhere all at once is, I would say, much better and Happy Valley truly is a sensational show. There's nothing more annoying than fucking loving a show everyone's been telling you to watch for years

It's infuriating. It's the worst thing in the world You go, okay, you're right and that means that I've been a lazy stupid arrogant arrogant close-minded little boy and for 10 years contrarian contrarian i've been denying myself pleasure for no one else no one's benefit but contrarianism. Self-sabotaging. Pathetic.

Like, it just goes on and on. You don't sleep that night. Because you're still listening. Still listening. And, yeah, you're either listing or thinking about how good the thing is. I mean, me and my partner, we've only just been watching The Sopranos. And I've had this idea. It's like, wow, you finally sound like a fucking dickhead.

Sopranos are good, isn't it? You It's like, well, you finally sound like a fucking dickhead. Sopranos are good, isn't it? You go, yeah, have you tried bread? You fucking idiot with jam on? No?

That's a revelation for you. Should we do some emails? Oh, yes. Letters. Emails. Emails. Phone calls.

Toilets. Your sister. Keep a straight eye. Toilets. Letters. Correspondence. We've got an email from Lewis, speaking of crime dramas. Lewis, who is he?

Lewis, who is? Lewis, who is he? Lewis, who is he? Hi, Pippi. Hi. On this week's pod, it was a year ago. Last Christmas.

I emailed your pod and the very next year you read it all out. Each year I'm filled with a fear. My email was nothing special. Okay. On this week's pod, you talked about the mystery of where tat originates. Ah, yes.

Tat are like eels. No one actually knows where they breed. Yeah, where do they breed? Do you know that? No one knows where eels... No one's ever seen eels mate. There are theories. Oh, really?

Sargasso Sea. Oh, yeah? Perhaps. But we don't know. Is that the word on the street? The Sargasso Sea? Where's the Sargasso Sea? It's like a weird patch where they've gone,

this is a sea. In like the Atlantic or something. Right. You know sometimes where they just go, this is a sea, and you go, no, it's not a sea. It's in an ocean.

But when they say all eels reproduce it's like even an eel like you find in a river yeah and you just go but that can't be right and they go yes and you think do i need to learn more about eels to disagree with this eel i've ever eaten was conceived in the sargasso sea i think it's like a one half of the world other half of the world as in there are two mating spots? I think so. I think East Asian eels have their own deal. But I don't know. I did go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole about this,

but I don't remember the results other than Sargasso Sea stuck in my head. I'm like one of those dying NPCs in a game giving you a clue. Sargasso Sea. You keep talking to me, but it's all I say. Find the Sargasso Sea. You keep talking to me and that's all I say. Find the Sargasso Sea. The eels are fucking in the Sargasso Sea. I asked him where the treasure was. I need a code

to a safe. Well, Lewis says we'll wander no longer. He's found the Sargasso Sea of Tat, he says. I can reveal that Tat assailants are none other than Mum's favourite warehouse chain, The Range. The Range. I think I've heard of The Range.

It's a cornucopia of crap, a bazaar of the bazaar. Ah, so Lewis is just saying this is where they sell a lot of it. Yeah. From spatulas that fail after one use to light-up Diamante-studded 1-100 scale replicas of Big Ben. I've seen these sort of things. Horrible. Whenever I watch a shop that has things like this, I go, how dare you?

How dare you take up the world's space with this? Yeah, it's the most communist I feel. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I just go, the state should shut this down as a waste of minerals. In a way, I feel'm like the whole point of capitalism was that there's no demand for this shit the market is supposed to get rid of this yeah how has this survived the market some of them must be fronts there's one near where i live that is almost definitely front because there's nothing in there any person with a functioning mind would buy. It's the most disgusting shop I've ever seen.

I've never seen anyone buy anything. I've never seen anyone go in and go out. Every now and then, you'll see fancy kids on some sort of school trip. And they might buy a postcard of the queen. R.I.P. Riding a bulldog photoshopped to be as big as a horse Or something like that And you go, oh right, okay

You go, well that's one pound profit Yes This is a prime real estate shop Yeah It's really weird Yeah, there's something in those pillows And it ain't down It ain't down if you're down

If you know what I mean I know this because back in lockdown one It ain't down if you're down If you know what I mean I know this because back in lockdown one Me and my boyfriend took many trips to the range As it was bafflingly an essential shop And stayed open We would wander the framed It is essential to live, laugh and love

There's nothing more essential Or gin o'clock It is essential that we know when What time gin o'clock is They switched gin o'clock during lockdown one to or gin o'clock it is essential that we know when what time they switch gin o'clock during lockdown one to a 24 hour clock constant yeah the gin o'clock's went back do you remember the gin don't forget the gin o'clock's go back the gin o'clock's went back last night i forgot i should have been drinking an hour ago everyone starts getting battered at 4 p.m at work why the hell are you

Oh the gin o'clock's went back Sorry guys carry on Normally my phone tells me but It wasn't connected to the internet So it didn't I've got a setback gin o'clock on my oven And in my car How do you even do that

So he says We would wander the framed picture aisles Pretending it was a new exhibition of works by an exciting up-and-coming artist. That's fun. Okay, great. We particularly loved one challenging piece named British Bulldog in Tiara.

Oh, yeah. Which we saw not only as a saving satire of nationalism, but a comment on the redundancy of monarchy. Truly illuminating work, sometimes literally. It makes you think. Koji Lewis. Imagine if the royal family were dogs. Imagine if Big Ben was.

Diamante studded. Yeah. And sort of played a kind of melting version of God Save the Queen when you pressed its clock face. P.S. Red Hot Goodies in Bristol. It used to be my local takeaway it's delicious and highly recommended oh it's a takeaway shop that because i whenever i gig in bristol i walk to the gig

yeah and i will almost always walk past a takeaway which i think is a chinese takeaway called red hot goodies wow oh great and it's in kind of red bubble writing on a yellow background. Okay. Yes. It's not an aesthetically pleasing looking shop. No. But Red Hot Goodies is such a funny name. It's not claiming what they could be. And you've not peered in to see what the cuisine is?

I think it's Chinese. Okay. Okay. I think so. Right. Or is it one of those ones that just does everything, which I always find quite worrying. You get like a battered sausage, chips, duck fried rice with curry sauce.

And you just think, fucking hell. Yeah. A safari. Georgia gets in touch. Georgia. Georgia gets in touch. Georgia, we're going to engorge ourselves with your correspondence. So this is... Oh, I see. She sent us two emails in a row, so it's formed a sort of thread. Oh.

She says, sup, turd twins? a row so it's formed a sort of thread oh she says sup turd twins i think that's the most like bullyish one we've had for a while i felt i felt a hand to push my chest as i read that yeah i like it a lot what's up turds oh hey georgia oh hey georgia where's that where's my. Where's my homework? Where's my homework? It's coming! Leave me alone! Leave me alone, Georgia. What's up, Turtwits?

A newish listener, I wanted to congratulate you for turning me on to toilet humor. Ah. You have provided many laughs as I make my way through the back catalog. I anticipate you have quite the backlog of poo stories by now. It was a year ago. But now, in case the well ever runs dry, here's my own dispatch. New Year's Eve 2022, I spent at a friend of my sister's

and involved much pleasure on my part. Fruity gin, pizza, a spa with friends. A great time had by all. I awoke though in a strange house seemingly devoid of any coffee or food, fried as sufficiently as I needed.

Oh, I see. Sufficiently fried food. So I made my excuses and Ubered back to town. Yep. This being New Year's Day in New Zealand. Oh. Double new.

Yeah. They're not the first again. Is it Japan gets the first New Year? I thought it was American Samoa. Oh, yeah. That sounds about right. Right on the dateline. Yeah.

But yes, that sort of area. Practically everywhere was closed, although after some sleuthing, I found an outlet selling takeaway coffee. I took my magical liquid to a nearby park bench and sat drinking it in the sun as my hangover ebbed away. I think you can tell where this is going.

The coffee, New Zealand, of course, famous for its high-quality coffee, had a remarkably quick effect. I tried to remember when I'd last taken a dump and calculated it may not have been since the 30th. Last year. I haven't poosed into last year. But that's three days.

That's a long time. Rather an accumulation. Sharp pangs assured me. I could not make it the further walk home, so I decided to chance a nearby bank of public loos. Now, this might be a New Zealand-specific thing, but here, our public loos, this is definitely a New Zealand thing,

often have a twee little voice announcing when the door is locked or unlocked. Wow. Why doesn't he, like, he'll try the door and go... No, when you lock it. As in, you go in and you lock it, he goes... Oh, locked. Door locked. Door locked.

Door locked. Door locked, mate. You're safe to take a dump. And reminding you that maximum use time, maximum use time, is 15 minutes. Is that enough time? That's enough time.

That's enough time. If you put your goddamn back into it. I'm like slow poo. And so what? You run out of time and I'll just go, time's up. And it's all open and revealed you to the world. Hope you took your shit. And then, yeah, just a big noise plays.

Hey, hi, everybody. Look, look. This guy's taking his shit. He's taking too long. Apologies for the accent. It was a good accent. You yeah okay you sound like one of uh you sound like a taika waititi cameo in a marvel movie yeah i sort of dubbed onto a humorous uh golem yeah um maximum use time 15 minutes accompanied by some jaunty jazz wow as you do your business new zealand is just like it's nice that's nice

yeah you can't have jaunty jazz in the uk people would rip the speaker out fuck it um fortunately the stall was clean and i breathed a sigh of relief as i sat down it was short-lived however i quickly realized i was also very constipated probably due to dehydration and this may take longer than i supposed oh no it's like how we have um in the uk we have um stagflation you know inflation and a stagnant economy yeah so the worst of all worlds um georgia has what would you call like a combination of both diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Dystopation. Yeah.

Constipation. Conorrhea sounds almost like gonorrhea. Yeah. Dystopation. Slow-er-ia. Slow. I think we'll call it dystopation. Champagne cork syndrome.

Ah, that's good. That's good. You've got to shake yourself around and then when it goes. Yeah. All over Formula One driver. You get picked up upside down by Formula One driver who sort of shakes your body and aims your bum hole at the whole crew and everyone's going, ah! And you're there with your arms flapping.

Oh, fucking hell. So it was a bit too late by then to back out. So I resolved to deal with it. There's a time limit on this. After five minutes of straining and scrolling on my phone, the jaunty voice returned. Scanning has detected that this cubicle is unoccupied. Please resume movement to confirm occupancy.

Resume movement? What do you mean resume? Keep doing your poop dance. Your shit disco. Keep squirming. Keep squirming. Or I'll open the door. Gosh, this is like...

This is a nanny state. What's HAL 9000? The toilet version of HAL 9000. I hope you've finished your bowel movement. I'm trying. I frantically wave my arm. Thank you. Your maximum use time has reset.

That's kind. Wow. What a gift. I was still very much in progress well you could you could be there in there forever if you just moved if you just go danced enough 15 minutes yeah yeah um a few more minutes passed suddenly an alarm comparable to a fire drill peeled throughout the cubicle oh more horrifying detected shit detected Someone's shitting in this toilet. It's not what it's for. More horrifyingly, the door cruelly slid open.

What? And a jaunty voice announced unnecessarily, Door unlocked. Oh, no. What made the situation worse is that the toilet opened onto the main road under my city's central business district, and a large bus was idling to a stop, meters from where I sat in terrified panic.

I hobbled quickly to the door. Oh, that's quite a big cubicle. That's enormous. You hobbled to the door. I was picturing a port-a-loo. Yeah, same. I thought the door would be constantly within reach. Yeah, I wasn't expecting like a suite.

It was a palatial. A porcelain suite in the middle of the street. I hobbled quickly to the door and smashed the open-close button with my pants around my ankles. Come on! Enjoy your day. Violence only makes it worse. Horror of horrors, the door closed and then immediately opened again. Fucking computers. All the while, the siren was blaring and a voice was announcing

my embarrassment to the world yeah the whole time oh fuck i caught a glimpse of the driver fortunately i didn't notice any passengers gawking but everything was in a panic nightmare as i again whacked the button to close the door the siren mercifully ceased and the voice smugly said door Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's what the robot was doing the whole time. Right. This girl needs a bit of a fright. Yeah. Georgia walks off the toilet, looks at her, and gives a little nod. Yeah, and one of the toilet Looks at her and gives a little nod

Yeah and one of the other toilets says Why did you do all that Normally you're so good at knowing when to open and unlock the door Sometimes people just need a little push Really wise toilet She had it in her the whole time Yes Well that was the problem

Consider going home tonight Yes Rather dislodged things I was able to deal with the build up in short order As I sat down again This is not quite the end of the story These toilets have no manual flush As they are meant to automatically flush

When you wash your hands This feels like over engineering Absolutely Exactly what I was going to say Just keep it simple keep the basics just have a toilet just have a toilet just have a toilet you can flash what would it be vandals going around over flushing um however something in my earlier short circuiting of the cubicle meant that this

did not occur and i was forced to leave a mountain of shame behind. Oh my lord. I could only hope that the bus driver now leaning against a nearby tree on a smoking break didn't need to use it as I walked quickly past him with my eyes downcast.

It'd be funny if the bus driver didn't smoke before he saw that. George made him start smoking he was so traumatized. He saw it

and he rubbed both his eyes with both hands looked again and then immediately started demanding cigarettes from other passengers. I've seen something, I need a cigarette. He threw his vape over his shoulder after looking at the label. I went back to the cigarettes, yeah. As I believe tradition demands, Koji Georgia.

And then she updated, only like a few weeks after that Full Pistorian oh well done you made it she sent us a screenshot to prove it nothing unplayed oh great

Full Pistorian is the whole thing in three months a record I feel like I've done my brain a damage but it was worth it okay thank you Georgia physicians do not recommend

how many episodes is that in three months at the time yeah does it not say the screenshot no because it just says there's nothing left to play probably 150 oof How many episodes is that in three months? At the time? Yeah. Does it not say the screenshot? No, because it just says there's nothing left to play.

Probably 150. Oof. Physicians do not recommend, but... Physicians do not recommend. Also, yes, impressive. Yeah. Except for Andy. But it's time to go to the VIP robo-Kiwi toilet. That is the Patreon.

Do subscribe to the Patreon to get extra 30 minutes a week of spicier content. Otherwise, if you're in London, do check out P.S. Soho Run for any leftover tickets. And check out my tour

on my website to see if I'm coming near you. But otherwise, see you next week. Bye!