BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 201 - BudPod LIVE!

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

It's BUDPOD LIVE! The lads talk the live audience, Truman Show, coveted uniforms, wrestling accidents, Phil is a hillbilly and Pierre has been eating beef, Adidas jacket, Phil's got tinnitus from being cool, Lucky Kentucky live and Majorie live, and live correspondence! Correspondence LIVE! And from Rick and Sean. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 201! 201! 201! Hello everyone! 201. Hello, everyone. Yay. How about that? Wow. Wow, this is surreal.

People were listening the whole time. It's incredible. It really does feel like that. We stood back there watching everyone like, is this a prank? This is what was on the other side of the big wall in the Truman Show at the end. Yes, that's it.

This is the Truman Show audience. And we finally escaped the dome. We escaped the big podcast dome. And everyone cheered. That's right, everyone cheered. And there's an old guy with a flat cap at the back who's tearing up. Who's watched us his whole life.

Yeah. Truman was lucky he lived in a universe without wanking or like hanging yourself with a belt while you were wanking or all the other stuff that people could have been watching him do for 40 years. How did they keep it wholesome?

Do they cover that in the film? They never address it, so it must have been... No, no, no. I bet, no, I bet. Because they... I mean, that movie covers his teenagers as well. There's not a chance in the world he didn't want you there. So you know, when he was a teenager,

if you're watching The Truman Show, there'd just be a moment where he'd be alone in his bedroom. And then he'd just reach for his trousers and they'd just cut to an advert, just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just that little girl and the clown with the blackboard. Like there's been

a nuclear war. Well, thank you so much for coming to this everybody. Yeah. It's what a thrill. Thank you to our sponsors. Let people see. Thank you to our sponsors of course. Lucky Kentucky.

Thank you to our sponsors. Let people see. Oh, thank you to our sponsors, of course. Lucky Kentucky. Thank you. Very kind. We will be hearing from later on. I've worn a jacket so that you can tell which is Phil and which is Pierre. It's a problem we have a lot. I'm the Phil one. I'm sorry I covered my ears when you were cheering back then. I wasn't trying to be sort of faux... What's it? Faux humble.

Like, oh, no, I'm not used to this much. It was like your wrestling move. My fans are too loud. Yeah, I have tinnitus. I gave... I went to... Hopefully not permanently. Hopefully. Here's the hope.

I went to... I went to Deadmau5 last Friday. Yeah. This is not just an act, this jacket. This jacket, yeah. For the listeners at home, Phil is wearing exactly the kind of jacket you'd want to wear to a cool event.

I have a... I'm wearing a vintage Adidas jacket, and I got on a plane recently to go to Athens. And I wore it onto the plane, and the air steward guy said, ooh, nice jacket, very rare. Is that a compliment? Very rare someone would decide to wear that.

No, because it's... Can I have ketchup on my ice cream very rare what a rare boy you are for the listener it's a sort of 80s it's basically like it's the jacket a PE teacher in the 80s would have worn

but it's got the old Adidas logo the three leaves one apparently that's very rare is You don't get that. Really? Is this the kind of thing people talked about at Deadmau5? No, and to be honest it made me nervous about the flight. I was like I feel like this guy can't know too

much about how a plane flies if he knows this much about Adidas jackets. I feel like there's only so much knowledge a person can have in the brain and if they're too much dedicated to Adidas jackets, then... Yeah, what's your ideal mind of an air sort of steward? What do you want them to know about, aside from air stewarding? All they know about is...

Survival? Yeah. Is masks that fall from the ceiling. Yeah. And trolley skills. Like, trolley, like, manoeuvrability skills. If an emergency happens, they can just get out of the way. Like trolley maneuverability skills. If an emergency happens, they can just get out of the way.

Like, what do you think will happen if an emergency happens while they're doing a drink strong? That thing, you can't go anywhere with that thing. And then they've got to click and clack. They've got to unlock it. They've got to take off the brakes. They've got to...

And while shit's flying everywhere. It should be free drinks. Free drinks? Yeah. Bing! The captain decided as we're going down, everyone gets free drinks. Everyone gets free drinks.

Hey! Yeah. Ryan. The captain decided as we're going down, everyone gets free drinks. Everyone gets free drinks. Hey. Yeah. And then instead of... Ryan, I would like to apologize for your impending death. It's all confetti with the masks. Everyone's cheering. Anyway, I wore this jacket last Friday to a Deadmau5 rave gig in a warehouse in East London, Southeast London. Phil's a lot

cooler than you thought. We're revealing that live. And the person I went with got us this VIP lounge city bit next to the stage. We sat where the penguin would sit in the iceberg lounge,

honestly. And I said that, and they're like, oh, this is where they filmed the Batman. This is where they filmed the iceberg lounge, honestly. And I said that and they're like, oh, this is where they filmed the Batman. This is where they filmed the iceberg lounge. Really? Yeah.

I thought you were going to say that at a cool rave. This is where the penguin would sit and they'd go, could you get out? This guy's referencing comic books. This isn't cool at all,

this jacket, this collectible jacket. He's collected it the way a nerd would, not a cool guy. Deadmau5 can hear it through the music. I heard an uncool thing.

Deadmau5's head is like the head of that fucking terrifying thing from Squid Game. Just immediately looks and shoots you. But anyway, I was there. We were right by the speakers.

I was there for like two hours. And only at the end did I realize there were earplugs on the table. And that was last Friday. Today there's already been a Friday. And now Saturday. And my ears are still ringing. It's not, as I would say, good. It's not great. But I am now recreationally wearing earplugs

just to give these puppies a little rest here. But I wasn't counting on all this rapturous cheering tonight, so I'm going to have to pop them back in. But I think I'll be okay. Okay, that ringing is not me. That ringing is for everyone, sorry. It's ringing for everyone. Also...

I assume, unless I've... You guys can hear that. Yeah, yeah. That's the word. Don't make me scared. Don't make me scared. No, that made me scared. It's like, well, it sucks if I've got it now.

Yeah, I gave it to you. Yeah, you gave it. Yeah. We didn't socially distance. And I gave you. But everyone's looking fair. Everyone looks so good. Everyone's so good looking.

This is so weird. This is why it doesn't feel real. It feels like someone went to a crowd service. Yeah. Because there are businesses where they pay and they just pay people to come sit and make the show look good. So you think people were like,

our management company just went out and go, can you get like a sandwich and like a choice of soft drink, just come and sit in this. Yeah. These two guys, they do this thing. We don't let it go out. But...

We've never let one go out. We can't pass it. It's all about... Anyway, you don't need to know what it's about. It's horrible. It's not the sort of thing anyone would like. But you'll get a sandwich and a drink And we'll pay half the fare

To and from the venue You just need to clap and cheer Pretend to get references It's not so mixed There's every type of person in here Everyone here is like the best looking Version of their class It's a university

Not economical class I mean like I mean like Dungeons and Dragons class. Like character class. Video game class. You know, sorcerer, paladin whatever. The class of that person. The warlock, the rogue. They're all here.

Yeah, there's all different types of people. All the different gangs at the high school canteen in an American TV show are here, are represented. It's very university prospectus. Very university prospectus. Yeah, you can imagine all these guys having too much fun on the green. Yeah, yeah. I always looked at those university prospectuses and like,

what are they doing on the grass? They were like... And it's just like grass. They're sitting on the grass, frozen in ecstasy, but there's never any objects with them. There's never any booze or books or... Nothing, nothing. They're just on each other's company. Just they're...

Oh, such a diverse range of experiences. There's so many societies to join here. The reason, by the way, that Phil is struck by how fit everyone is, is that because Phil's experience of all of you up to this point has been filtered via the emails that I read out. Which I have to presume are the least appalling.

Yeah, you have to presume that I'm like your grand vizier. I'm filtering out. I think of you like the moderators on Pornhub. You should only have that job for two years max because after that you're a different person.

Yeah. You think of me as like that meme where it's the soldier blocking all the arrows and bullets and you're sleeping in a little bed, safe. But it's not bullets, it's poos. Yeah, just poos. Because Phil only ever heard about any of you guys through the harrowing stories.

I think he always pictured everyone who listened to this podcast as like a kind of ghoul. Oh, just diarrhea-covered goblins, is what I was expecting. Or if normal people, then people covered in shit somehow. Or with a look in their eye that says, I've seen things. I've seen shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, what a wonderful relief it is to see you in person.

Also to see so many patrons. I mean, presumably this is very patron- It's patronage to everyone, I think. Yeah, pretty much. It's amazing. Truly incredible. Really appreciate it. It is mad, yeah.

Thank you very much, guys. And thank you for snapping up the tickets so quickly. It made us hubristically book a much bigger venue next month. Although that's selling okay. Less quickly. Less quickly. Yeah, it turns out this was about it.

This was... The full listenership. We just, on the first try, we chose exactly the right size room for everyone who would come. It sold out, but not a single person missed out on a ticket. We've got real wait-and-see

fans. We'll see how the first one is. Yes, we'll see how it goes. We're not early adopters. I respect that. I'm that way with technology. I've never been an early adopter on tech. I wait for the bugs to get worked out. So I very much appreciate that.

Well, it's taken you long enough to buy an Adidas jacket. Yeah. Okay, definitely no problems with this jacket. It's been around for 40 years. No one's died in it. Well... I trust these guys can make a jacket now. Yeah. I'll get one for myself.

Yeah. I was so tempted to cook up some horrible thing where we all come out and just start talking to you guys about converting to evangelical Christianity or something. Like a real, like a long con. Like a really... Everyone queue up for your personality tests. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just really sinister pamphlets. There's a Dianetics place around here, isn't there? There's a Dianetics place. Let's find out, Phil. A Scientology place. What if we all went? Are you still open?

Sorry we're late. There's a 190- There's this massive mob outside. We want to know what we are like do you think they'd let us in if they were closing up because on the one hand

they want to go home but on the other this is the biggest if I was running the desk at that place and right as I was like

like you know I was sealing up all the cloning chambers or whatever weird shit is in there locking up the security goblins, whatever kissing the framed photo of Tom Cruise kissing the framed photo of Tom Cruise and then

and then there was this mob of people please let us in do they get like a sign on bonus? imagine the bonus. He'd get an upgrade. He'd get another like Chevron and his fake like jacket. He'd get a medal or something. He'd get a better room on the spaceship or whatever it is.

He'd get free breakfast on the spaceship. I think breakfast is comped on the spaceship for this guy from now on. This guy gets to... No, I don't want to get sued. I won't reference that. We all have our own red lines. No, they're not famously litigious or anything, are they?

No, they aren't, Phil. No, they aren't. And there are no security goblins or cloning chambers. That was a misguided joke. I just start crying in fear as it dawns on me what I've done. Speaking of weird goblin things, I think you've come to the point. Has it? Are we 15 minutes in?

We're kind of trying to do this in the same pattern as an edited episode would go. We'll see how that works. Okay, we're going to do the first sketch. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, not that one. We'll cue you, don't worry. This is all on demand. Hello? There we go, okay. Oh, hello.

Oh, hello. Oh, woo, Marjorie. Oh, hello. I'm just calling to see if I can return my tickets. I booked two tickets to go and see Bud Bud live. And I can't go anymore. My friend, my neighbor who I was going to go with. So, well, she was baking a pie for the train.

She was going to bake us a pie. We were going to share it on the train. On a little cloth. And while she was whisking eggs to get the right sort of egg to bat, to glaze, to put on the top of the pie for the glaze. She was whisking so hard that she vibrated at the exact frequency of the pie. And then she fused with the pie.

And her atoms became the same as the atoms of the pie. And now she's stuck in the pie. And she can feel what the pie feels. And it turns out that when a pie is raw, it hurts. But because she's a person, it would also hurt to put it in the oven. Because it's connected to her, so she doesn't know what to do. And so she has gone to the university physics department and also called the NHS. Anyway, so she can't go and I won't go without her

because I won't go to see anything without a pie. So I was hoping that you could return my tickets. Okay, thank you. Thank you! Thank you! There we go. It's so weird to hear people respond to Marjorie in real time.

A live Marjorie. I tried my best to figure out what was going on there. Marjorie got... She sat with someone who stirred herself into a pie. So Marjorie's friend, her neighbor,

who she was going to come to this with. Oh, of course, yeah. She whisked the eggs. There's always fans bring somebody. Yeah. She whisked the eggs at such a frequency that her whole body vibrated

at the exact subatomic frequency of the atoms of the pie and as a result she sort of clipped into the pie and the pie became a part of her and then she could feel what the pie felt which it turns out was agony and it turns out when the pie is raw, it hurts.

But then if you cook a part of yourself, that hurts. So then her neighbor's like, well, what do I do? Do I cook the bit of me that's pie? Or do I stay raw? So fast, she sort of enters a quantum airing state. Yeah, her quarks and the pie's quarks. Wow. Swapped, I think.

Poor Marjorie. Poor Marjorie's neighbor. I mean, Marjorie's just sat at home doing what she would usually do on a Saturday night. Knitting controversial flags from history. I've decided. Yeah. That's it.

That's how I record it, by the way. There's no... Pierre comes down here on his own to an empty room, and he gets up here. Normally, my eyes roll back like a warg in Game of Thrones. Oh, hello.

It's really horrible. The idea of people cheering Margaery has just blown my mind, though. It's also the first we, as ourselves, have acknowledged the existence of Margaery. Or even the sketches. The sketches, yeah. It took us ages to realise.

Our friend who listened had to tell us a couple of months in, like, you never acknowledge that the sketches are part of the show. Yeah, and you never... It's really funny. Do you know they're happening? And also, you never admit when one's happened. Yeah, admit isn't a mean word to use. Yeah, well...

You didn't admit you did that. You didn't admit to that funny thing you did, yeah. What I like, though, is when the ones where the sketch is like a weird advert and it's either before or after the real advert. It feels like we're subverting capitalism somehow. Right. It feels almost like a quiet protest that we don't really mean. Right, so we're throwing a duff on in there

so people don't know what's the real capitalism and what's the fake capitalism. That's right, yeah. Yeah. Or just like, like sort of, it's, someone messaged in once saying that like,

whatever, we don't know what the adverts are. We have no fucking clue what it is. Yeah, it depends on. When you sign up, you fill out a form saying what you don't want. So they go, do you want,

can we advertise landmines and short-term loans? And you go, no. And they go, okay, well, you're not going to make any fucking money then. You go, no. So we don't know what they are. And someone once, one followed one of our sketches that was kind of like, they were kind of the same, like ours was just making fun of it. Oh, shit, really? It seemed like, yeah. Well, the one where we made fun of Volvos and then there was a little Volvo ads.

How funny. Because the robot read the word Volvo in our description and was like, yeah. Well, the one where we made fun of Volvos and then there was a lot of Volvo ads. Oh, funny. Because the robot read the word Volvo in our description and was like, these guys must be talking about how much they love Volvos. It was a correspondence. It was about a Volvo that burst into flames suddenly. Oh, yeah. And also in the episode about Spiderman.

About what? Spiderman. Spiderman. Oh, right, yeah. Spiderman. What? It was you. Speiderman. Oh, right. Yeah, that's it. Speiderman. What? It was you going, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Speiderman inaccessible-hus. That's what it was. No way home. Because we put the O with a line through it in the name, all the ads were in Danish for some people. Oh, really? Yeah, in the UK, yeah.

Maybe the robots aren't going to be taken over too soon. Maybe we're alright for a couple of years. Maybe we're okay. Maybe chat GPT Bud Pod is a couple of years away for now. Yeah, robots can't learn to just talk about poo and bullets in a sort of loop, can they?

Hope not. I'm sure they can. I'm sure they can. Speaking of loop, can they? Hope not. I'm sure they can. I'm sure they can. Speaking of capitalism, do you know what I watched today to get in the mood for this? Oh, what? Stone Cold Steve Austin's first match in 19 years. Oh, is he back? Last year he wrestled a guy called Kevin Owens. That's not a good wrestling name.

I know, this is the... Stone Cold Steve Austin versus Kevin Owens. This is why professional wrestling sucks now, because they don't bother with... Well, they're just called, like, Alan Smith and things. Honestly, yeah. They're called, like... A guy's called Seth.

One of the wrestlers is called Seth. He's called Seth... He's called Seth Rollins. Seth Rollins? Seth Rollins. Someone likes him. Yeah, I'm sure he's a good wrestler, but, I mean, they're all just called, like, Dan Swift,

and just think... There's just nothing... There's no. There's no Decapitator or Stompman or anything like that. Fear is not being struck in my heart by Dan Swift. I don't know what it is. I don't know why. It's lost its theatricality, professional wrestling. Do they look at it and go, well, the silliest thing about this is the names. We've got some real grown-up names in here.

Colin Anderson. There we go. Now people take me seriously when I pretend to fall over, when I pretend to be hurt. But this guy, Kevin Owens, he's a heel, a bad guy. Bad boy. Bad guy. And he sort of challenges Stone Cold Steve Austin

to a match to come back after 19 years. And in truth, Kevin Owens is a huge Stone Cold fan. That's why he got into wrestling. But as a heel, he's saying Stone Cold is always a space. He's retired. His knees are gone, shot. And he rails on Texas. He shits on Texas.

And so Stone Cold comes back to WrestleMania and have this match. And it's the first match Stone Cold has fought in 19 years. And he still looks good, but he's slow. He's creaky and stuff. But they do an amazing match. He's 57 years old, Stone Cold has fought in 19 years. He still looks good, but he's slow, he's creaky and stuff, but they do an amazing match. He's 57 years old, Stone Cold. What the fuck? I mean, he...

But when the guy's going, your knees are shit, you're fucking old, he should be at home going, yeah, I retired. Yes, correct. But it comes back, and they do this really good match, and it's like the old Stone Cold, and they're clattering on the ground, and he gets suplexed onto the concrete at one point. Yeah, sorry, spoilers. So you watched this to get in the mood for this?

I did, yeah. No, I can see it. You know what's really sweet is that it's a really good match. And everyone will be really looking forward to it. And in the comments was all, spoilers, Stone Cold wins. But in the comments, all the comments are like, well done, Kevin Owens, for looking after him, for keeping him safe.

Because Kevin Owens is the one leading the match, because it's all fake. Yeah, but they shouldn't be putting that in the comments. Yeah, people here are shocked. Oh, no, did people not know this? It doesn't seem like it. But because he has to lead it, he's the one who's making sure he doesn't break his neck again.

Because Stone Cold broke his neck. He got piledrived and his neck broke years and years ago. And he had to win the match. This was years and years ago. He had to win this match. And Owen, this is where I reveal why I'm not allowed this jacket. Owen Hart inverted piledrived him and his head was too far through his legs and it broke his neck.

And I've watched the match and Stone Cold is just crawling. You can see Owen Hart just really panic when he realized what's happened. And he has to just vamp and he just goes to the audience because he's a heel. And he's shouting in the crowd and you can see the referee talking to Stone Cold's finger what to do. Stone Cold has to win somehow. With a broken neck. With a broken neck, he has to win. Just like with a hand from the floor.

Oh, his secret powerful hand. He's literally the flesh wound knight from Monty Python at this point. He just has to somehow win. He's got to sweep his ankle and then kind of very carefully lean over and eat him. Bite his neck. He crawls over like a soldier under barbed wire

and he hooks, like, really slowly hooks Owen Hart's leg like this. Really? Yeah, and Owen's like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And Stone Cold's like mmm, mmm. Like a grandparent pretending to lose to like a toddler. Oh no!

It's really unconvincing. And Owen's like, no, no, no, one, two, three. And Stone Cold's just stretched it out because he broke a neck. Yeah. Owen Hart died a couple of years later

because he was coming in to do a big showy entrance on a zip wire down to the ring and the zip wire broke and he landed on the turnbuckle. What's a turnbuckle? The corner.

What? Yeah. This is not worth it, is it? This story is not worth it. It feels right now like this story is not worth it. This is not worth it. No, it's not worth it. It feels right now like this story's not worth it. This is not worth it. No, it's not worth it for the... For wrestling.

For wrestling. But it's fucking... It's good, though. It's fun. It's such a good show, man. Anyway, I watched Stone Cold, yeah, to get G'd up for this, and it really worked.

What a champ. I was a huge Stone Cold fan when I was a kid. He was my hero. Stone Cold. The Rock. No, the Kid. Kid Rock. The Kid Rock.

Kid Rock, of course. Yeah, yeah. The Rock. You had such fucking hick taste growing up. I really did. Why? You have to take a joke. You were there in Malaysia going, don't mess with Texas.

The Kid's coming. West Virginia. What the fuck kind of confederate flag Malaysian childhood? God, I never noticed that. Did you chew a long bit of straw? I did sometimes. I find little bits of grass and I chew on them.

I suck on them. That's so funny, yeah. What other hillbilly southern stuff did you like? I honestly did enjoy blowing, like, the tops of bottles. And make a... Yeah? Yeah? It's all lining up.

Fuck, I never noticed this about myself. I was a little hillbilly. I appropriated hillbilly culture as a child. I don't know why I left Songkran. I love that he was sort of this anti-establishment guy, even though I'm the most, like, establishment person. Do you think you ultimately liked him because he was anti-establishment,

but in a way that was confined to a sort of rectangle once a week? Right. Controlled anti-establishmentarianism. Yeah, like a smoking area. Ah, like the little, like those creepy little rooms in some airports where you can smoke. Yes, yeah. A smoking cage. They look like Hannibal Lecter.

Yeah. Smoking Hannibal Lecter would not have worked. Clarice. Yeah. He would have seemed too calm about being in prison. Just chilling. Also, yeah, it doesn't fit with his sort of refined, his whole thing is he's very refined. He would have seemed too calm about being in prison. Just chilling. Also, yeah, it doesn't fit with his sort of refined, his whole thing is he's very refined.

He wouldn't have, like, smelly fingers or, and his taste, it would mess up his taste buds, and he loves the taste of human flesh. It's true. Yeah, like, him swapping information about a serial killer with Clarice in exchange for just, like, some Marlboras. Like a real prisoner would. Yeah, like actual prisoners. Yeah, that's not cool. Do you have any super noodles, Clarice in exchange for just like some Marlboras. Like a real prisoner would.

Yeah, like actual prisoners. Do you have any super noodles, Clarice? They're worth a great deal in here. Chicken, if you have it. That would be good. Real prisoner Hannibal Lecter. I've made a chardonnay in the toilet. It's a little brisk.

Did you do or watch anything today to chew yourself up for this? I ate a lot of beef today. Oh, yeah, you ate a lot of beef. Yeah. Pierre bought himself some... I ordered some biltong on the internet off the dark web

off the dark web very special biltong biltong if you don't know is like some African beef jerky except it's not shit beef jerky is not any good in my opinion but I ordered a bag to share with you and some friends

later it doesn't sound like you will be no genuinely I couldn't and it's to share with you and some friends later. Well, it doesn't sound like you will be. No. No, genuinely, the amount... Yeah. I couldn't stop. If I had to write a testimony of how I ate all the beef, it would be like when you read the court transcript

of, like, a spree killer. And then just say, it's only years later now that I realise I was just out of control. You're wearing a very sharp suit and you have a fresh haircut. Be phenomenal. BA. Love confused pilots turning up.

I'm a pilot. Hey, another live reference. Time for another sketch. Okay. I'm a pilot! Hey! Another live reference. Time for another sketch. OK. Phil's still concussed from a cool rave, so he's going to have some notes. Marjorie doesn't need notes, because she is real, and I channel her through some sort of awful portal.

Let's go into this song. Thank you, Greg. Can we restart? That's okay. We can go from here. It rolls. It just keeps looping. It just loops forever. That's the thing about this song.

It never stops. It only stops when I stop talking. It could play forever. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Come on. Togetherness.

At long last, we are togetherness. In person. Is there anything better than being togetherness? Smelling each other. Touching other people. Rubbing up next to them rubbing up together just like the rye grain wild yeast crystal-clear Kentucky spring water and meaty umami rich octopus eggs rub up against one another in every bottle of smooth, salty, Lucky Kentucky bourbon whiskey. And what better way to celebrate our togetherness-ness than with a cocktail made with delicious,

versatile Lucky Kentucky. Pour some over ice. Blend it with pens and bits of a shredded textbook. Serve as a mush. It's a drink we like to call My Octopus Teacher. And it'll teach you that Lucky Kentucky tastes great. Or play it again. Or mix Lucky Kentucky with Coke. Coke Life, the short-lived green one. And get the party started with a refreshing classic.

Do not mix it with any other type of Coke. You will die. Do not mix it with any other type of coke, you will die. And at the end of the night, mix some with Kahlua milk and just a drop of bleach. Stir well with a chicken bone and sit down in front of a roaring fire Throw the mixture onto the fire And it will never go out We do not know why It's togetherness in a bottle

It's Lucky Kentucky. Wow. After discovering your hillbilly childhood, that whole thing hits different as the children say. It really does. I mean, it sort of explains why I was drawn to the idea of Lucky Kentucky in the children say. It really does. I mean, it sort of explains why I was drawn to the idea of Lucky Kentucky in the first place.

Yeah. I mean, the main thing was all those Jack, those Jack, those interminable Jack Daniels ads on the tube. They just, they put a whole book up there. They were like little novels. Yeah. They're really boring, boring novels. But is that clever?

Because when you're waiting for a train, you are looking for something to read. And this is what they were thinking. This is what those coked-up freaks at a management marketing agency thought. You know what people need on a platform is reading material. We'll give them something to read.

We'll give them a made-up history of Lynchburg and the story of a man who definitely never existed. And just going, what have we got? We've got a name. Who is he? What was he like? And then it obviously, I bet draft one had some actual stuff in there and then this got revised out to the

kind of fine mush that's on there now. Which is like, Jack Daniels sure was a guy. And just like any guy, he sure needed liquid to live. It's such a vague... And then they try and make it like a kooky fact that the one county where they make it is actually still dry.

If you want to drink it, you take a little shuttle, apparently, like a monorail, to a different county. And you're nodding. Have you gone and done it? No, but you just know cool stuff. Okay. This is our audience. You have to take a spooky little monorail and then drink the whiskey there because

the county it's in is dry. And on those adverts they're like, weird, isn't it? And you go, yeah, insane. Insane. The people who live in that county must be fucking insane. Because people in the 30s looked at Prohibition and they were like, this is too strict. It's the 30s. We need to relax.

Are there more than that? Are there a few dry states? There are no states, but there are dry counties in the US. Yeah, a little county level. It's fucking weird. I reckon we should make one of the counties in the UK dry, just for fun. Just really fuck with people. Every year,

a different county has to be dry. It's just a different one. Everyone leaves, but then the county becomes like the Jetsons. Like, it's so advanced. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like when Lisa has the Petri dish in the Simpsons and becomes like a super advanced. Yes, yeah. And there's flying cars and stuff.

We just cut Northamptonshire off from booze. But then the first weekend off from booze. But then the first weekend back with booze, it's just all trashed. It looks like when you see in movies Superman's planet being destroyed and they're firing him away from the planet. Yeah. Yeah.

That is the one thing that unites this country. People say we're a divided country, but every high street in the UK looks the same when it's covered in sick yeah and traffic cones and then I think this is a united country whether you're being sick onto recycled glass concrete compound paving slabs or medieval cobblestones we're all being sick somewhere. Once a week.

Do you know, in countries where they drink normally, vomiting is just like a thing where you're very sick, you're ill. That rare thing has happened to you. It's notable. Yeah, wow, you were sick. Whereas in here it's just like taking the bus. Often the same. When did you last throw up?

This is a fun conversation. I don't really throw up when I drink, but I did throw up. You don't throw up when you drink. No, it's bad though. You should throw up. What you mustn't do is not throw up and then just keep drinking in a way while you're asleep. Just keep absorbing it all night.

Making sure that you wake up so much worse than if you'd just thrown up. It is a funny thing that men are very proud of. They can drink a lot without getting sick. Essentially what they're saying is, I hold on to the poison. I keep it in me. I continue to absorb it. My body's defences

have failed. Oh, yours active. Embarrassing for you. There's a lot of stuff about men that's like that, though. Like the whole, like, oh, I'm going to punch you. Oh, no, I'm not. And then it's like, they make fun of you if you flinch.

And it's like, yeah, you should. You should try and stop when people punch you. Yeah, that means I've got good reflexes. It's good reflexes. Whereas if someone goes, and then you don't move, they're like, oh, this guy's cool. And you go, no, his defenses have failed. He's going to get hurt. Is that what manliness is? Just being completely unreactive, like a big dope?

Is that what we're aiming for? To an extent, yeah. I mean, that's the old model of manliness, is to be sort of unemotional. But even at a physical level, like my body doesn't save me from poison and I can't react when people try and fight me. Are you sleep deprived?

I guess it's the old idea of the immovable protector, the immovable defender. I will eat and drink everything. You can do like this to my face and I won't move. It's a real horse guard model of manliness. Yeah, Buckingham Palace. Do you think none of them flinch if you go like this?

I think they'll do like a bayonet charge. They'll just bayonet you. They can only attack you if you touch them, right? I don't know. Emotionally. Emotionally. Emotionally. I would love to see that. A bunch of TikTok videos of people reading out like Pablo Neruda.

Like really erotic love poetry. Just the guy's crying, but he's still at attention. Just swipes his throat with a bayonet. Have you seen those videos where they're like, stay back from the Queen's Guard! They yell that and they go, King's Guard, R.I.P.

Keep forgetting. But in the video, it was Queen's Guard. Yeah, they do the poem and it's like, stay back from the Queen's Guard! You can still really cry. You can't... Because the poem was so moving. Yeah, I think that'd be great content.

Good content. That'd be excellent content. Someone else do it. I'm too lazy. Do you think any of the royal guards the day after the queen died fucked up and said queen instead of king? Oh, yeah. Stay back from the queen! And then just had to immediately walk in. Or they just went, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. What am I like? I'd forget this enormous hat if it wasn't strapped on. And then the other guard who's like a tiny speck on the other end of the bucket, he goes, you do it again.

Yeah, I did it again, yeah. You'd forget your big head if it wasn't screwed. Don't touch it. I know, I said that, yeah. I said it, yeah. I said it, yeah. Oh, gosh. Do you think it's fun being a Rollercoaster? It's got to be pretty good.

If you like people watching. Got a little hut. You got a little hut? You got a little hut, you got a nice hat. The hut never seems tall enough for them. When they stand outside the little guard's hut. Yeah, but definitely not with a hat. I think to get in it, they have to like

they've got to have to bend down and get under. Like they're being arrested. Right, yeah. Get in. Get the head pushed under, yeah. Hand on head. I guess it's fun. What ceremonial uniform do you covet the most, Phil? I love the questions we ask on this podcast.

You don't get these questions on Graham Norton. You won't be asking people about what ceremonial uniforms they cover the most on off-menu. They'll be going, oh, do you like bread? Yeah. Should we start like a wrestling-style beef with Ed and James?

Someone says yes. Yes. Well, I think you should take a break from beef right now. Yeah. Yeah, I've really, I've Petersoned all day today. Just beef and salt. It's been a bloody hard day. I'm so dehydrated.

Is that why he's always crying? It's just because moisture is just leaving his body. All the salt. Yeah, all the salt. Oh, man. Poor, strange Jordan Moisture's just leaving his body. All the salt. Yeah, all the salt's repelling. Oh, man. Poor, strange Jordan Peterson. He'll never decay, though.

I think the uniform I would want is... Yeah, the one you covet the most. The one I covet? You know what? The guards, when the Queen lay in state, I thought they looked sick. You know, the ones that stood on each corner, then they did this thing, they just remembered the queen had died, and they went, oh, fuck, and they slowly lowered their heads. They bowed their heads, yeah.

Yeah, I thought those guys were kind of cool. That's true, yeah. They're like, why am I here? I kind of like the whole judgy lawyer wig thing with the big floppy... Barrister stuff. Yeah, I think that's quite cool. That's good. I think that's it, though. I'm not really into all the bangles and the gold things, the army stuff.

Brocade. Yeah, it's all a bit dictatorial. It's all a bit Idi Amin, you know, all the... It is a bit Generalissimo. Yeah. Yeah, even when it's like, you know, the royal family, I've got all the chevrons and the gold and the gold chain bangles things, and you know.

It looks lumpy. Yeah. And those chain things just look like, you know, your sister's teenage boyfriend, the chain he had on his wallet? Yeah. That's what I think of when I see the chain on like Prince William or whatever. Well, like he's going to pull it, and then there's going to be like a Velcro like.

Yeah. Yeah. on Prince William or whatever. He's going to pull it and then there's going to be a Velcro. He's going to get a big ruby out to pay for something. It's time. It's time. It's time for some correspondence. For the first live correspondence. All right.

Did we want to start with some live correspondence? Yeah, we were gonna thought, because you guys are here, we could do any live, does anyone have any... Well, we were gonna say... Obviously, we're aware no one's gonna stand up and go, I shut myself today! Yeah, we understand part of the appeal of writing in is the anonymity.

Too much to ask. We understand this is not something you want to admit to. We're gonna see who's come from far. Who's come from the furthest away? People made a journey to come here. Scotland. Fucking hell, really? Whereabouts in Scotland? Glasgow. France.

Edinburgh. Edinburgh v. Glasgow v. France. It's the six nations in here. Scotland's further than France, isn't it? In parts of France. It's certainly further than France, isn't it? No, in parts of France. It's certainly further than France. Yeah, it depends. Where in France? South-west France.

Oh. God, this is... Okay. I'm drawing... Oh. Aquitaine. I'm drawing radii in my head. There's a Girondin here.

South-west France. Anyone further than the South-west France? Australia. Australia. There's always an Australian or a New Zealander who waits. They always wait two or three answers. They're going like this.

As long as no one says Antarctica, I am about to win this little contest. Miss, where in Australia are you from? Sydney. Sydney, classic Australia. Yeah. How long have you been in London now?

One day. One day? Oh, you really meant it. Terrifying, chilling. You've come here for more than this, though, please. Travel agents do not recommend. Have you come for more than this? Oh, that's sick.

That's great. Well done. Yeah. Wow. I hear they teach a good German in Germany. Do you think that she was saying, oh, I need to go to London to watch a live podcast. What is this podcast?

Why? What is it? And then she goes, it's about shit. And they go, say no more. We understand. We have nightclubs for that. I understand in the UK it is just for the ears. Miss, what's your name?

Erin. Erin? Very Australian. Erin. She's scaring me with how far she's come. Yeah, yeah. Very nice. Very good. So you put your hand up as well, briefly, as possible. On the front line, then we'll get to the display line. Oh, as we sat down,

you sat there and I went the longer way. You went like... And I thought, I hope that's more than just general. You did a fist pump and I thought, that's a big reaction to sitting down. Did you place bets? Yeah.

reaction to sitting down. Did you place bets? Yeah. No, we didn't go that far, but then after we discussed it, the man came on and put the plate there. Ooh, yeah. Novelli's going to drink

the Diet Coke, yes, because I'm not allowed it in the home anymore. Genuinely, I've stopped buying it because I got to more than a liter a day. I just love being dehydrated, Phil. This is what I... But it just tastes like Sparks. Robo-juice. I don love being dehydrated, Phil.

This is what I... But it just tastes like sparks. Robo-juice. It's like a robot skull. I don't get Diet Coke people. I'd like to sit on a throne of these. Diet Coke people love Diet Coke more than they love their own relatives. I love it so much.

I love it. It's like Slurm from Future Arm. I love it. Do. I love it. It's like Slurm from Future Arm. I love it. Do some real, some digital. Some electro correspondence. Future e-correspondence. E-correspondence. The correspondence of the future. Rick gets in touch.

Rick, you made me sick. Yeah. Why didn't you come? Rick gets in touch Rick you made me sick yeah widen your gums Rick so I'm actually reading correspondence from around actual now

wow so that it's not fucking I know weird special special special I bet he's not even

in lockdown no hi Bo this is you were talking about leavened and leavened? Leavened bread and the leavened. You said, is it from Levant? Yeah.

Hi, Bo. Phil is sort of correct. The words leavened and leavened ultimately share the same derivation, coming from the Latin levare, meaning to raise. Yes. However... Never try me on etymology. I will bury you, son.

Try me on etymology. I will bury you, son. However, the word levant had a slightly different twist to it because it refers to the sun rising in the east. There's a similar thing in Arabic where the roughly similar region of the world is referred to as the Mashriq, which comes from the Arabic word sharaqa, meaning to both shine, illuminate, radiate, and to rise.

The region to the west of this, northwest Africa, is called the Maghreb, which means the opposite of the place where the sun sets. Also, I shat myself while walking home from... Genuinely. Genuinely. I thought you were... It genuinely says that. I thought you added that.

That's great. I mean, you couldn't have picked a more perfect... I saw this email and I was like, this is it. This is the platonic. This is the yin and yang. Yes. The platonic ideal. Which of course comes from the Arabic.

Also, I shat myself while walking home from my friend's house where we had been watching the Lioness's Triumph in the 2022 Euros. I ate too many corn smoky ham style slices. Corn what? So, corn. Yes. Smoky ham style. So much more disconcerting than flavour.

Style is so much worse than flavour. Are these smoky ham flavoured? Their style is that of a smoked ham? That style. If you've got a bag of crisps, you're like, oh, great. And it's salt and vinegar style crisps. The old crisps. You're like, ugh.

What is in this bag? Yeah. Wait a minute. And you'd look, and it's not a pea. It's that weird German bee thing where they're like, crisps. What are they I ate too many corn smoky ham style slices

and they absolutely ransacked my innards the pooing continued in vicious spurts throughout my approximately one-mile walk home. One mile? Who's walking a mile? And who thinks, I've got a mile to walk, better give myself some energy with corn.

Better have a nice nourishing corn meal to carry me through this long walk home. Ay caramba. And he's just sort of leisurely letting it... Yeah, just... Exactly. He's saying the pooing continued in vicious spurts throughout my approximately one-mile walk home. I carumba. And he's just sort of leisurely letting it... Yeah. Exactly. He's saying, the pooing continued

vicious spurts throughout my approximately one mile walk home. Oh, diarrhea style poo? Yes, spurts he's saying. Spurt style shitting. Spurt style shitting. Sorry, yeah.

Spurt style shitting, okay. Which took the best part of an hour as I waddled squalidly homewards. Oh, so you do think it's gross? This is weird. I'd always assumed you guys didn't think it was gross.

Did you think that everyone in the room would be going, and then what happened? Yeah, I did. To be honest, I did. I expected everyone to just be like, yeah, just lean forward in their chairs. And just like, I did. To be honest, I did. I expected everyone to just be like, yeah, just lean forward in their chairs. And just like, keep reading.

Don't stop. Fortunately, there was no leakage. Despite the voluminous amounts of caca involved. Of caca? Caca. Caca. I thought this was an ingredient in the smoke. No leakage, he says. Despite the voluminous amounts of caca involved? Of caca? Caca. Caca. I thought this was an ingredient in the... Yeah.

No leakage, he says. I had to cross the road several times to avoid run-ins with passers-by who might sense my fecal crisis. Right. You can imagine if you essentially were carrying pants full of shit, you'd cross the road.

It'd be like in a game where you have to... It'd be like Assassin's Creed, where you have to walk away from the city guards. They smell all the shit and a little exclamation mark above their head. Either that or you have to hide in a group of smelly monks.

Yeah. You have to hide near a shitting dog and then you blend in. I wouldn't cross the road. I feel like that adds a complication that it's too dangerous. Yeah. Yes, it's a changing of levels that kind of

you're moving down now and then you've got to navigate the cars. Last thing I want to be thinking about with pants full of shit is like cars. If you got hit by a car and your shit-filled pants popped, people would be like, what the hell? How fast were you driving?

Imagine you saw a car hit someone really hard and instead of a pink burst, it was brown. There'd be a second where you figure out you're like, oh! That's bad and gross. Rick says, I made it home,

but my shorts had to be destroyed. A cleanup operation took several hours. Yours in the spirit of Koji Rick. That's good. That's good stuff from Rick there. Yeah, Rick. Oh, we didn't play the first jingle. Oh, shit, we never played the

jingle. Oh, I've completely forgotten all the excitement of doing audience work. We can just play it now. Play it now. Do you have it loaded up? Do you have the cards? Why not? We brought it. We brought the CD. We might as well. Bring letters, emails, phone calligraphy,

talking, guessing, your sister, and your best friend. Thank you. Correspondence. There we go. It was worth it. It was worth it.

It was good. And in the edit, we'll move it around. It's a really kind of horrible sound. I don't know. I remember when we recorded it, it was going, letters, writing,

pencil. You did such a great job with it. It sounds so good. I never get bored of listening to it. We started a little late, so I'll do one more. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is from Sean. Sean! I wish we were never born, Sean.

I've gone mean today. I don't know why. It's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we can see that they're still smiling when you say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas in the audio only, you go, oh, is that? Is that horrible?

They found it too unpleasant. Sean. Good afternoon, Moet and Wang Don and Dom Pierre Rignon. That's good. That's good. Classy. Love the podcast. I'm not a founding father, but I'm a recent Pistorian,

inspired to write in upon almost shitting myself laughing at your wonderment at the Schwarzenegger film Jingle All the Way. Crazy movie. Insane. Insane movie. That's my star. Jamie. I'm just an American dad

trying to get his son a toy at Christmas. Trying to get my son a doll. Turbo man. Turbo man. Turbo Man. Turbo Man. At what age is Jamie going to ask his mom, what's wrong with Dad? What's Dad's whole deal?

Why is he so enormous? Where is he from? Idaho, son. I don't believe you anymore. I don't think he is from Idaho. What's wrong, Jamie? Why don't you believe that I'm from Idaho? The mom's saying, I said he is from Idaho. What's wrong Jamie? Why don't you believe that I'm from Idaho? The mum's saying, I said he's from Idaho. So Sean continues,

Eight years ago I was but a humble fresher, and as was my wont, had spent the night at the residence of a fair lady. Oh! Upon consuming the soft boiled egg and toast she had kindly prepared in the morning. What? This is the morning after, right? Yeah. It wasn't when she got home. Sean fucked himself up a soft boiled egg and toast.

She didn't get back to her place and she went, let me get into something more comfortable and get you a snack. Timing it five minutes exactly. So he got served a soft-boiled egg and toast. Yeah. Damn. Is it that thing when you're at university and you're like, oh, this is my first opportunity to become an adult.

I don't know. Is this what grown-ups do? This is what grown-ups do. I guess I'll make you an egg, well, this is my first opportunity to become an adult. Yeah, I don't know. Is this what grown-ups do? This is what grown-ups do. I guess I'll make you an egg. Yeah, exactly. It's exactly the kind of thing a brand new adult thinks it's all to do. And then Sean is like,

I'll bow, I'll bow, I'll bow. That's probably what a real adult would do. Eat my egg and then I'll bow. So she's made this fucking egg. And he says, after eating a soft-boiled egg and toast, I exited her halls flat in a... Halls? She made this in halls? Halls! What, in a shared kitchen? Or like in a kettle?

She's trying to soft-boil an egg in a kettle, this girl. She did it in a kettle. What the hell? She liked this guy. When a putrid scent brought me back to the present. I do not have to look far for the offender. Laying on the landing outside the hall's flat were several brown logs scattered

at various intervals. No, no, no. Various intervals of Fantastic Jazz Drummer, by the way. Various intervals of fantastic jazz drummer, by the way. Various intervals, yeah. That had not been present the night before, he clarifies. Oh, God. I had many questions.

Foremost of which was why the brown snakes were spread rather than in a single pile. So, why are they in these intervals? It suggests movement, doesn't it? He also adds, with no sign of a struggle. Like a fight. It's a guy fighting his own ass. Gets the upper hand, gets pinned.

He puts in brackets, splatters or smears, etc. Yes, yes. Thank you, Sean. I could glean no more from the scene of the crime and return to my own halls across the other side of the student village, where a break in the case came sooner than I anticipated. It's very noir. Yeah, I'm hooked.

Or, I guess, bruh. Bruh. Film bruh. My flatmate, whose sports team shall remain anonymous, confided to me that a member of his team had been locked out of his flat the previous night and, with bowels loosened by passion fruit VKs

had taken the only course of action available. So then this is getting some intel that this is the guy. Wait, wait, wait. His flatmate's friend? His flatmate's buddy

had been locked out of his flat presumably in that corridor. Oh. And done the deed there. Oh, it was in the corridor outside the room? You know these logs

are like along the corridor of the halls. Oh, not outside the building. No, no, no. Oh, in the halls. Oh, man. Thus ruling corridor outside the building. You know, these logs are like along the corridor of the halls. Oh, in the halls. Thus ruling out animal activity. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come along, Watson. My flatmate, whose sports team show remained anonymous, confided that a member of his team had been locked out of his flat, and with bars loosened by passion fruit vacays had taken the only course of action available to him i had found my man i confronted the suspect at a party a week later goaded by the little vodka coursing through my veins however he denied any involvement instead accusing his

flatmate of committing the deed for reasons that entirely escaped me his flatmate agreed and also claimed responsibility for the rectal release. Despite the fact that this individual, despite the fact that this individual had been in the same flat as me when the incident occurred and therefore had a rock solid alibi. Curiouser and curiouser. We need a fat little Belgian on this mystery. You see Hastings, the poo-poo it has come. That would be a good episode of Poirot. Despite the fact that justice was not served that day, I'm consoled by the fact that the bond between myself and the fair lady remained as solid as the stools on the landing.

And that after all this time, we are saving to buy a house together. Wow! Yay! Well done, Sean. Wow, Sean. The soft-boiled egg was a sign. Yeah, having soft-boiled eggs in their own home.

Yeah. Lovely. What a wonderful story. And that's a real twist. That's a real twist. I thought the end of that story would be when we found out who the pooper was. It's like, no, I married the girl. Yeah. Yeah.

And Rita, I married her. What? That's not what this kind of story was. The pooper is still on the loose. Yeah, well, hopefully, that would be terrible on their anniversary to find a little turds in the corridor of their house. It was you.

It was always you. Well, thank you, Sean. Thank you, Sean, from Edinburgh. He says, keep on jacking it. With O-A-N. Which means on in Scottish. And thank you guys so much for coming. Thank you guys very much for coming.

That's our time. Thank you very much. It's been a real delight. It's, a real delight. It's so nice to meet you all in the flesh. Give it up for Pierre. Give it up for Phil. Give it up for Yanis on the sound. Give it up for Toyo on Soho.

And have a wonderful night. We'll see you at the next one. See you at the next one, guys. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Co to the show. We do have another show starting at 8.30, so we have to ask you to either go downstairs to the cocktail bar or to the venue.

Thank you very much.