BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 217 - Vestigial Man Tits

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

The lads discuss spleens, vestigial man tits, haircuts and being cool in GTA. Correspondence from Tom and Rachel Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 217. 217. My pleasant spleen. I have a very pleasant spleen. And I'm tired of keeping that from the public. Yeah, Wang admits all. Enough pleasant spleen erasure i have a very pleasant spleen and take it or leave it folks sorry but not sorry yeah you you paid you paid

for a brand new couch by selling that story to one of those horrible horrible horrible one of those horrible magazines Horrible. Horrible. It is full of horror. One of those horror-full magazines. All right, yeah. Your story's in one

of those little boxes that the text is big and yellow and at an angle. Like a sub-hello magazine. Like, okay. Actually, worse than okay. What gets worse than okay?

Take a break. Oof. Yeah. You sold it for a couple of grand to take a break. Wang comes clean about pleasant spleen. And it's a photo of you at a really unflattering angle,

like stepping over a sort of step thing outside a nightclub onto a pavement. Yeah, yeah, and it's a grainy photo. Yeah, sort of action shot, like you're in motion. And I'm unshaven. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What does the spleen do? Isn't it where you get some sort of digestive acid-y stuff from? Or is that the pancreas?

Isn't that the gallbladder? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. What does the spleen... I know that venting your spleen is that old-fashioned way of saying having a rant. It controls the level of blood cells. The spleen controls the level of white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets. What?

That can't be right. Is that right? It spleens the blood? What? What? Wow. Pancreas does insulin. That can't be right It spleens the blood? What? Wow Good for the spleen Produces antibodies

Maintains levels of fluid in your body Sounds like the spleen is pretty important folks I mean I'd hold on to it if I were you You were joking about spleen erasure before, Phil, but we didn't know this about our old friend, the spleen. Yeah, it looks like we've been conditioned into erasing the spleen in our own lives.

And for that, we apologize and we promise to do better and do the reading. Yeah, you're doing the reading right now. I'm literally doing the reading right now. How have we not not We should know that You and I specifically Or humankind Both

Sure Both Philip Oh I was sure it was just squirting a little goop Into your stomach Or is that the pancreas The pancreas the pancreas does um insulin pancreas spleen liver for me they're like the the non-chris martin members of coldplay i don't know what they do i don't know what their names are they just all kind of do the same job as far as i'm concerned yeah yeah the only organs you're interested in

it's just brain heart penis that's the the pancreas produces digestive juices delicious and insulin as well as other hormones to do with digestion you know they used to uh get insulin for diabetics from pigs yeah well like they just suck it out of their pancreas. Yeah, well, just from pigs when they are deaded for eating. Woof. And I saw a picture of a guy in front of a big pile of pig pancreases. Wow.

Like one of those photos of like, wow, look how much insulin we've got. Like a catch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stick your hands out. My insulin is this big. I caught an insulin this big. Speaking of insulin, last night I watched the film Memento,

in which insulin features. Does it? Yeah. Have you seen Memento? I don't remember. Nice. Real good stuff. Top draw. I don't know why my

little theme tune there for that noise when you win a Pokemon battle. What is that? What is it? That's when you catch a Pokemon or win a Pokemon battle. That's because you won the joke. You caught a good joke in the wild.

An excellent joke appears in the wild. Now I'm going to pop it into a computer somehow. Oh, I don't... No, I don't think I have seen it. Oh. It's good, you would like it's confusing and i was sleepy so it was difficult yeah and when you're sleepy you're sleepy the way that cartoons are sleepy really yeah there are little zeds floating off out of my nose. Yeah, a big snot bubble. Yeah. No, I mean, like, you're affected by sleepiness in the way that, like,

you try and illustrate sleepiness in a cartoon character. Right. Like, you're a very, like, I'm sleepy and that's the end of it kind of guy. Right, yeah. As in, like, I'm am completely useless you don't ignore your sleepiness slash can't whichever it is oh right i don't see how you can you just have to power through some people um are sleepy in a very subtle way and force force their way onwards till till

whatever time they need to stop being sleepy at 11 i don't know yeah i can yeah i can force my way but i'll be bad at everything. I'll be bad at everything. That's what I mean. You can tell. Last night, I had... Last couple of nights, I've been that kind of tired

where you're so tired, you can't actually get to sleep. Oh, what? You're just lying there going... I'm so tired. Like your body's not done feeling tired yet. Yeah. Like tiredness is a punishment that you have to complete that was your that's still your final task of the day is feel a bit more tired for a bit longer but then i slept like nine hours last night which was

fucking delicious i i took a i took slash have taken a sort of a week, 10 days off doing any gymming. Oh, good for you. First few nights of that, I slept 10 or 11 hours each night. Oh, nice. Now it's my chance to catch up and become the brawn of the pod. I got one week to do it. I got one week to catch up with Pierre.

Yeah. What, if you could only have one muscles, set of muscles be really big, what would it be? And it can only be one. And you have to have one. How big are we talking? Not like,

not like so big that no matter which one you choose, you'll look insane. But like really, really like strong, defined, like, like finished okay okay i think the right choice is arms just because they are on show yeah you know yeah i've

never had like really defined arms i've got lovely smooth arms but i don't have any like big vein or anything popping on it i feel i think you know i was i'm always impressed when a guy has just like a fucking vein on his arm oh the vascularity yeah i'm like this guy's got blood flowing through his system i can only i only have to presume there's blood flowing through my arms yeah you're like mr burns you just have to assume that because your arm's still warm, there's blood in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when we were taught at school

about how blood moves back from the heart. So deoxygenated blood moves back to the heart. Oxygenated blood moves from the heart to the body via the pressure from the heart. But blood moves back to the heart via, and we were taught there's bones and movement the movement of bones really yes apparently it's just like your various movements just kind of like squish blood back to you in some way that doesn't feel right to me but that's what we were

told bones the movement of bones, I don't like it. I think we should have a band or an album called Bones and Movement. Was that our comedy double act, Bones and Movement? A really fast guy and a really skinny guy. I'm movement and I'm bones. Bones and Movement. A really, really skinny guy and a guy with terrible adhd we we learned a lot of biology well i learned a lot of my biology when i was a school in malaysia

where not everyone is entirely sure how to pronounce these english words yeah so one of the girls in class would regularly refer to the anus as the anus and was never corrected you're kidding the anus yeah that is um a mispronunciation by one of the i don't know if it was deliberate or not or however it started but we used to say anus at school because one of the germans said it yeah right no we were saying it seriously we were saying it like i went wearing lab coats and goggles doing experiments this isn't the anus is not responding in the way we expected it to i would love to see um perform more tests on the anus a table of surgeons like around a table on a patient and you know when there's like that blue cloth and there's just the hole that where like the chest cavity is it's just

an ass just a bum cheeks set popping out just just like, the anus is not responding. You know, and they're like... I've got an anusoplasty to do today. An anus-thetist is there going like... Ha, nice. Put him under, put him under. Ah, he's not asleep. The anus is still awake.

The anus. I swear we were taught yachted by English teachers we were taught to pronounce yacht yachted oh no but surely there was some yachted sailing around yeah we had a yachted club but I guess it wasn't that much crossover between

the teachers and the members of the yachted club well clearly they should have invited more of the teachers to join yachted club yeah but then yachts don't come up in conversation very much otherwise no and and and you could forgive yacht as well yeah i mean it is an insane way to spell yacht i don't think there's any other word that has a silent ch is there there's oh god hmm a silent ch is really like with a lot of english you go okay fine but with yacht you're like come on now this is too far grow up there's that there's that go home english you're drunk oh could someone turn english off and on again? And then just the sound of gunshots ringing out.

There's some joke about how you can spell fish. G-H-I. And then some other thing. Oh, for like G-H from laugh. Exactly, yeah. English is such a fucked up language that you could be forgiven for spelling fish like because there's just no rules it's so impossible um anus yeah god anus is something

that we my friendship group from my high school still say jokingly i know i know right I know, I know, right? Teacher, what is the anus? Ah, I'm glad you asked. The anus is... Yeah, it would be... That's so funny, man. I remember us all genuinely groaning out loud when the science teacher said Uranus.

Said like Uranus instead of Uranus. Well, like you were groaning out of disappointment. Yeah, like, aww. They cheated you out of Uranus instead of Uranus well like you were groaning out of disappointment yeah like aww we knew it was coming up we were like the only highlight of our little lives he's gonna have to say Uranus and then just Uranus you were all looking at him like Bart waiting for him to say

well I didn't do it yeah yeah yeah Uranus oh just boo you promised say I didn't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uranus. Oh. Just boo. You promised. Look at what they took from us.

Look at what we are owed. Yeah, the one highlight of science. Uranus. Uranus. All hail Uranus. Uranus. All hail Uranus. Uranus. It sounds like a huge Uruk-hai or something. Uranus. Uranus.

Yeah, I mean, the Uruk-hai... The Uruk-hai would deserve a name like that. You know what? I don't like how they look, Phil. They look frightening. There, I said it. Frightening and ugly. Speaking of potentially frightening and ugly, I've got to get a sort of emergency haircut later

because I'm very busy on my tour to go to my usual place. I've got to go down the road to a place that has good reviews on google you know you look up a local place that has like 4.5 stars but like 70 reviews and you go all right is this just from like 70 friends and family yeah pressured people yeah are these people who just are these people who want to affect a sort of community feeling in their lives, that they're supportive of their local hairdresser?

Or is this a 4.5 out of merit? Because as we all know, via the wisdom of crowds, the reviews become more and more reliable the larger the number of reviews given. Yes. But is this kind of place I called up just now to say um hello i do have an availability later on today and he said yes my friend yes definitely and i said about five o'clock and he said yes my friend i'll see you then didn't ask for my name anything

okay well i'll see you then. Okay, my friend. See you, it's five o'clock. Can I ask what it looks like on the Google image search? I won't give away its identity, but it's like a common man's name, apostrophe S, Barber. Yeah. And big red signage.

And does it have a cartoon mustache on it okay now we're talking and let me have a look let me have a look my one is very oh yes on the one side of the name is a pair of scissors and the other side is a razor it's a black sign it's it looks like if you said to an ai art program draw me a barber in the style of a late night chicken shop okay that's less like a really off-brand chicken shop not even like monleys like more off-brand than a knockoff of a minor chicken shop oh yeah yeah a b z fried chicken yeah that's it you go oh what is that even supposed to be it's just three letters um okay that's less reassuring because my barbersville is visually hipstery but it still just has like middle-aged iranian dudes doing all the cutting

of the hair oh okay but it's like done up in the style of a prospector jim's mustache tonic kind of totally totally it looks like it should be full of people dressed like longshoremen and dungarees called Seb. Suspenders? Yeah, tiny, tiny, very cold tin of 11% beer that's on offer. Leather razor strops, you know, all that. But instead it is like the classic Middle Eastern barbers inside that kind of shell. It's an unusual combo. I'm not sure how it's happened the inside of this bar i'm going to later today it looks a bit like the barber

tony soprano would go into or something it feels like that could be good neighborhood like news years you kind of like old old fuck stuff old fuck style i think that's i find that more reassuring than one that seems like it's been set up by kind of like devil may care young entrepreneurs because often they'll be giving you haircuts for music videos. And I don't want to speak out of turn, Phil. I don't think either one of us can carry off music video haircuts. What is a music video haircut? haircuts what is a music video haircut like i once so obviously like look short short back and sides with a trim on top is pretty much every guy's haircut to an extent yes but there are layers phil there are levels when i go to the persian dudes the iranian dudes they give me a reasonable

enough version of that that is the haircut i've had forever and then one time phil one time i went to a cool barber's full of people under the age of 40 and they still gave me a short back and sides but it was aggressive it was the most hipster version of that it was much longer on top and much shorter on the sides and much more i have a little earring and a tiktok um you know i think that's the most granddaddy you've ever sounded yeah a little earring and a tiktok i have a little earring he's got a tiktok he's got a tiktok and a little earring yeah but that's how i looked and it didn't work because i am a granddad and i'd look like one and so it looked like i had gone and gone can you make me look young to these barbers?

Right. Did you look like you sort of, you're on your way to buy a Porsche and your dating app age range goes down to 18. And you get tans and you wear tight t-shirts and you go to ibiza so with a couple of other old fucks and take a lot of selfies in aviator sunglasses yes yes yes yes yes and i i got a wayne lineker's strip bar or whatever yeah i looked like i was the kind of person who says things like well you know i'm in my early 30s there's no reason why i shouldn't try and keep up with the uh the trends

you know they sort of justify it like that like well i know why why not if that's it's just a fashionable haircut it's just a fashionable haircut and it's like no no it's it's so tangibly like a gen z like doomer what's a doomer a doomer like a zoomer and a doomer what's a doomer do you know a zoomer as in like gen z a zoomer yeah a doomer is like a member of gen z who embraces that gen z nihilism about how the planet's cooking us alive and there's no point in anything as in doom isn't right and all that's of nihilistic gen z meme culture yes yeah yes that's what that is and it was that kind of haircut and it's like i didn't look young when i was young you know i don't no me neither because that's what i'm

saying i've always looked 30 you and i can't have music video haircuts yeah we've always been old fucks even when we were even when we were 20 we couldn't get away with getting whatever that haircut was i did once get a cool a cool guy haircut um it's the kind of haircut where you know they wanted me to post it um oh yeah and it was very you know very generous and very kind and i i look great i look really nice but i also thought i don't think this is me it's like it's like i've had a hair transplant from someone else i felt like i was wearing someone else's hair yeah or like you you've got a bit cool in your gta character selection thing because you're like

in this universe i'm i'm cool i'm cool when i'm shooting people off a bicycle i'm i'm cool the character designs i went through trying to make it me but also like a muscular cool version of me i was like well this is the real me in the video game yeah yeah this this is how i wear sunglasses all the time all the time even in dark nightclubs when he's getting instructions from a cut scene he can't see a fucking thing yeah totally the real me wears a denim vest guy i make the ugliest fucking guy my skyrim guy and my mass effect guy i like horror shows ugly they both look like if when phantom of the opera takes his mask off that's that's what they all look like why i don't know because i i keep trying to make him handsome but i just i'm so bad at design that they would just they'd come out

looking like lumps my mass effect guy looked dead like he was walking like rotting corpse honestly He looked so bad my Mass Effect guy How did you do that? I don't know. I don't know. What are you doing? Just like and of course every- And then just make the nose really long Maximum size Forehead like tiny tiny forehead

So the eyes are basically next to the hair hairline and i think it comes from being bad at art and i can't draw a face so even even with the help of like of like a computer game interface i still mess up the face but you can watch it and and adjust it i know look i'm as perplexed as you are it's not like I don't understand it's strange I do this is one of your weirdest qualities this is so hard what being was one of my words being bad at visual arts no being bad at visual arts when there's just like a slider and you can just see I think what it was that I get bored I keep like trying to get make him handsome and it kept messing missing and eventually I just went I just want to play the game now.

I just give up. And he'd look like a horror show freak. So you'd get this caricature face walking around. Yeah. No forehead. Three feet. But fortunately you're usually just looking

at their backs. When it's Skyrimrim is first person, so you never have to confront. And then something, then a cutscene will happen and it'll jump to third person. You go, duh!

When you see, when you're reminded what you created. And it's supposed to be a cutscene where like the maiden of Dangthor or whatever is going, oh, handsome traveler. Yeah. What?

Are you making fun of me? No, that's true, yeah. They should build something in where an algorithm can tell if you've made lots of non-standard choices. And so when you run around the NPCs go, greetings traveler.

They react to you. Or you see them go, just flinch in the distance a little bit like jesus uh you you must have a very high personality points traveler i hope you've maxed out your charisma traveler did you when you create a competing characters, do you go like intelligence, charisma, luck? Or is it just like strength, agility, heavy weapons? Oh, I find it so irritating when there's like a cool cupboard of magic potions and you've built a strong idiot. Yeah. And from your characters, your character can't pick the luck.

And even if he could pick the lock he can't he's so dumb he can't figure out that petrol is flammable because that's like base that's like one point of chemical knowledge or whatever yeah so i i always i always coward i'm too much of a coward to go too strong on any of it i end up creating a jack of all trades master i always do a jack of all trades because i'm like i'm to try all the bits but then you just know your character's never that good at any of them well that's it but then equally that's where you get to try all the bits like you say and otherwise you're just going like i'm gonna set up my character in such way that i a good third of this game is inaccessible to me this experience i've paid to have is

inaccessible to me because of my choices. And instead, fewer experiences are moderately enhanced. Like, that just seems silly. But I was going to say, so you'd pick arms, big muscly arms. Yeah, it's an obvious choice, but I think it's right. Because most people are just going to see the arms. Otherwise, you're picking a little surprise for an intimate somebody. It would be funny if you picked buttocks. It would be

funny. Apparently I already have very nice legs. I've been told I have nice shapely legs. Yeah, this is the thing. I've got good legs. I'm slapping them right now. I don't know if you can hear. I can hear them. Good quality. It's like when you tap a mango or a watermelon. They sound good.

I have good legs. I've always had decent legs. I've got a horrible little belly. And little boobies that aren't ideal. So I was torn between the arms when you asked. I was torn between the arms and the chest. Maybe a good chest, actually, just because my chest is a joke i was a real joke a joke my chest is like that of an animal that doesn't use its chest very much like the species doesn't

really need its chest oh like it's evolved away from from those movements yeah and there what was it called when a part of your body is no longer vestigial vestigial so you've got vestigial tits oh yeah i look like i have a vestigial pain a whole chest being vestigial is funny um that's true yeah because even if you had like just normal arms if you had a couple of perfectly sculpted man tits, it would look pretty good. You ever seen, you get those guys who've got, they've got like a beer belly, but they've got really strong pecs. They've got like tits and belly. Yeah, those are like so strong men, mountain style guys.

Exactly. Square tits, round belly. Yeah, they enter World's Strongest Man competitions and they pull boulders and all that sort of thing. Square tits, round belly. Yeah, they enter World's Strongest Man competitions and they pull boulders and all that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could work. That look can work. Yeah, I don't think it works for me though. I don't think that's

my shape style. You know what though? My cheekbones have started starting. I've never had such prominent cheekbones. I've been working out quite a lot. I've got cheekbones popping, man. Yeah never had such prominent cheekbones i've been i've been working out yeah quite a lot i've got cheekbones popping man oh yeah they are sticking out more it's and it's a testament to your will because you're on tour and it's a lot of bacon it's a lot of egg it's a lot of sandwiches yeah i've been too bad i've been eating i did have a fucking massive kfc the first day of last

week. Thanks to everyone who came to the tour, by the way. We did Cheltenham, we did Cardiff, Swansea and Bristol. All fantastic. And Fatiha Algori has been supporting. She's very very funny. But on the first day, yeah, we stopped by

a service station and I got and this is referencing a famous pianovelli bit i got the mighty bucket for one did you and it was one of the best kfcs i've ever had i don't know why i don't know it's just like they gave me all the right pieces it was also really hot it was all fresh it was absolutely delicious beer. It was so good. It was so, so good. Sometimes you do get that where you just go, why is this McDonald's burger nice?

Yeah. Yeah. Don't they all just follow the formula? Don't they all just follow the steps on the iPad or whatever? But you do think like, why is this one nice? I wasn't expecting nice. I was expecting what it is. I wonder if the service station

kfc's are nicer because they're it's this more fresh because they're just having to churn through more yeah that's true that the churn does create freshness um the other you have that means fresh you have that as some tat in your kitchen yeah well i I've got that in cursive tattooed across my back. Churn means fresh. I had a Papa John's pizza for the first time in years over the weekend. I'm amazed they're still going.

Disgusting. Terrible. They're not as expensive as Domino's, are they? Yeah, but they're not far off. Bafflingly expensive to the point where like, how do you have any customers this is

so expensive like like as as less pizzeria than a naan bread would be like they're so doughy and bready and fluffy it's like a big cake with a pizza layer on top horrible really really bad really bad fuck you papa. Fuck you, Papa John. If you're listening. You're not my dad. Yeah. The Colonel's my dad. You're not my papa. You're not my papa. Do you reckon the Colonel fucked?

Yeah, man. Do you reckon he fucked a lot? Surely. Yeah. But in that 1950s way of like a shameful dalliance at a motel. Ooh. Keeping his bow tie on all the time like a Chippewa dance dancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or like... Stinking of chicken grease. Yes, exactly. What everyone would have loved in the 50s. Or like, you know, a quick tryst in the bougainvilleas of his garden during a masquerade. I don't know. I'm imagining him with one of those old plantation houses, like some sinister antebellum gentry. What was I going to say?

Oh, and thank you to everyone listening who came to the special recording on sunday in edinburgh and beth who's a pod bud who helped make it who helped fantastic yeah um thank you for coming if you did if you could have come and you didn't well it's too late now you pigs you missed your chance to see a bunch of old uh ps stuff in front of some cameras laid out tastefully by Stuart Laws, thank you, Turtle Canyon When's it going to be out? When's it dropping? Well, it's the show that I'm going to

take around the country so there's no rush and it's going to be quite a fiddly edit I think so probably not for a while, probably November November, okay Yeah okay yeah yeah yeah um well you know what's gonna come out before november phil some correspondence oh i've been waiting for this correspondence to drop highly anticipated correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence correspondence

correspondence correspondence correspondence Okay It is from Tom Tom You pom Is he English?

Yeah He's English Is he English? Yeah I called him Tom the pom So Oh yeah Yeah sorry You I got no sound there for a second He's English. Is he English? Yeah. I called him Tom the Pom. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sorry. I got no sound there for a second. Sure. Dear Shit Chatters, long-time listener and podbutt here, ever since seeing both Pierre and Phil perform sets at Country Mile on King's Cross. Oh, good times. My story begins several years ago

in the frozen wilds of North Yorkshire Where my friends and I had travelled For a long weekend of boozing and country walks Nice We've done similar We have done In fact, oh it gets quite spooky Over the course of a Friday evening

We arrived in dribs and drabs to the charming cottage In a little village called Malham And proceeded with festivities accordingly Cracking open several cases of red wine that one particularly earnophile friend had brought with him. Oh wow, this is very much like our trip. Yeah.

Roll on day two, and we weren't feeling very fresh, but we decided the answer to the hangovers was to drive to a beautiful nearby waterfall for some fresh air and a walk. We headed out, walked a short way to see the waterfall, and were duly impressed, deciding on the spot to walk up the dale behind it.

It was quite a long walk up an open hillside, but there was meant to be a nice tarn at the top. Tarn? T-A-R-N, yeah. What is that? I should know what that is. Is that like a pile of stones? Isn't that a cairn?

That is a cairn A tarn is a mountain, lake, pond or pool Oh, I thought you were saying A mountain comma lake, pond or pool I was like You can't mean a lake, pond or pool or a mountain It's a lake, pond or pool There's a lake, pond or pool

A lake upon the pool. There's a lake upon the pool. A lake upon the pool. A small mountain lake. Lovely. Yeah. About 45 minutes into our climb I began to feel a slight twinge in my lower abdomen. I ignored and kept scrambling onwards but it grew in intensity until I couldn't help but recognize it as one thing. The unstoppable

march of the brown soldier. I think that's a wordsworth poem yes yes it quickly became apparent from the wine the night before oh sorry i misread that it became apparent the wine from the night before had triggered a particularly ferocious bout of ibs a reaction to bad hangovers i have borne for as long as I can remember. Ah. One that can only be cured by 20 minutes of sitting over the porcelain until everything from the night before had been ejected. The only problem was that there was nary an atom of porcelain for several miles. To make matters worse, it was a bank holiday weekend

and there were dozens of men, women, and children climbing the same path as us. No chance at all for me to hide behind a bush or a low dry stone wall without being spotted and outed as a public shitter. Sweating heavily from palms, forehead, armpits, and gooch, I had a quick and discreet conversation with my girlfriend of the time. I hoped discreet. And we decided the best option was to pace it

back down to the mountain to the pub we had passed to find respite. We made our excuses and headed back as quickly as my clenched buttocks would allow. It was not a pleasant walk. Where does poo go when it can't escape your bowels downwards? I can tell you, it goes back up. Gradually, the pain began to crescendo until it was something akin to being punched in the stomach by a Victorian strongman. Oof.

Hup-ho! Yeah, hup-ho! The evil black leviathan alternatively trying to force its way out before returning begrudgingly and painfully to its too-small-layer-my-bowels. I don't know, my reading is so bad today. small layer, brackets my bowels. I don't know, my reading is so bad today. So he's on the verge of shitting himself. To try and take my mind off the pain, my girlfriend began playing

Tony Blair's Desert Island Discs appearance from 1997. Blair's voice, while silky and charismatic and befitting of a prime minister-in-waiting, is now deeply triggering to me. That's funny. A prime minister-in-waiting is now deeply triggering to me. That's funny. A prime minister-in-waiting.

That's what I call the shit that's about to come out in the prime minister-in-waiting. Prime minister-in-waiting. Despite the odds, I made it through 45 minutes of agony until we reached the pub upon which I committed an act of terrorism against

the toilet bowl to this day i can say i've never knowingly touched cloth and that swallowing your own shit back upwards through sheer force of will is a tactic i can recommend if you're caught short yeah praise redacted koji tom so here is he's also attached some tat from inside York Minster. It's selling a wallet. York Minster is a big cathedral in York. It's selling a wallet, and the wallet is embossed with, you'll never guess this, so I'll just tell you. It's all, you know, like different names on the wallet.

Well, this is in the gift shop, is it? In York Minster. Yeah, but it's not relevant to anything. It's just, I've never seen the like. And you know they'll, like different names on the wallet. Well, this is in the gift shop, is it? In Yorkminster. Yeah, but it's not relevant to anything. It's just, I've never seen the like. And you know, they'll have all different names on. It just says, John's money generated by his own super awesomeness. Whoa. And the idea is that your name is John when you buy it?

Yeah. Whoa. What a weird idea for a wallet. Imagine reading that every time you open it. Do you get a little boost of pride? Yeah, I did generate this from my wallet. Well, if you don't have any money, it's implying it's down to your lack of super awesomeness.

Ah, so yeah, what's happening is you're tying your entire sense of self-worth to what is in your wallet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then your wallet is essentially heckling you um okay so to tatty tatty tat tattoo we've got a message from rachel rachel say well say well say well what you want to say it well say well

say well what you wish speak hello jackrabbits please see the attached photo for what might be the most horrible thing I've ever seen in a public toilet ooh and that's a high bar yeah so it's a high bar. Yeah. For anyone.

So it's a photo of a sort of... Oh, it's a seat cover dispenser. Oh, yeah. So if you're Niles Crane, you can put a little... a little, um... buffer, a little paper buffer between

your ass cheeks and the toilet seat. Yeah, they're like weird little shitting dental dams. Yeah, little poo condoms. Yeah. Bum doms. Yeah, they're bum doms. And it's above a bidet.

And it's all very porcelain and fancy and looks like it's there's a separate bidet to the toilet looks like that's very smart for a public bathroom unless it's a toilet and it's just looks like a bidet what do you think is that a toilet and i'm being i'm being weird uh that yeah there could be a toilet but it doesn't have a toilet seat no it doesn't have a seat but it and it doesn't have a back it's got that kind of minimalistic it's got a flush it's got a flush mechanism the top looks like so it must be a toilet it must be a toilet because i thought there was maybe a mechanism to activate the b day but then i'm just misreading it anyway the point is on that toilet sheet, sorry, bum-dum dispenser, it just says in really tiny,

tiny writing, each day is a gift. Oh. On the bum-dum dispenser? Yeah, just in really tiny writing. Oh. What a place to put that message. I read tiny writing like a whisper, so I don't like that at all.

Yeah. Each day is a gift. Who said that? And there's just like a gentle breeze blows the bum-dum. A little bit. And then music from American Beauty plays. For context, Rachel says this is in Texas. Ah. Oh, boy, each day is a gift

From God From God, you got your bum down Which I am unfortunately required to visit every few months As part of my physical therapy degree On my most recent visit I stopped to have a piss at a very posh outdoor shopping center Where all of the shops are owned by the same sickeningly rich tv star couple peddling their lifestyle brand gosh a whole mall owned by a celebrity couple that's america baby wow what's the equivalent here a single A single shop that happens to sell Made in Chelsea hats.

Yeah, yeah. Or like the Love Island outfits you can buy straight after the show. Yeah, straight from the fingers of the Indonesian children to your Spanish holiday villa. A friend told me... I know it's Comedian Ed Knight. I was hanging out with comedian ed knight yes and he was telling me that um on twitter now because it's all messed up with um what tweets

get promoted replies to get promoted basically if you pay for a verified account your reply to any tweet gets promoted above others so all these bot accounts are getting their replies promoted above um more meaningful replies to big tweets and and one of these bot accounts um uses some ai image generation to pick up the the clothes in the image of a successful tweet tweet and it'll just make the t-shirt into an image and say buy the t-shirt here yeah i've seen stuff like this but what's been happening is that like it'll be it'll get attached to they'll reply to sort of news or with like images of fleeing refugees covered in blood and crying and then underneath the top reply will be buy the t--shirt here. And it's their sort of, the clothes of the people in the photograph. Clothes of the people fleeing war.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. We live in hell. Twitter's completely fucked. Twitter's completely fucked. We live in a bad novel. Yeah. Genuinely.

Like, if that wasn't like a sort of sci-fi satirical novel in the 90s, people would be like, there is occasionally heavy-handed symbolism. Yeah. Ugh. Well, there's a mall of that nature, apparently, of this kind in Texas, which Rachel says is basically TAT Central. It's the kind of place that sells potted plants with their own name tags

labelling them with 50s era human names such as Irene and Albert. Gosh. Using their toilets fills me with a sick sense of pleasure that comes from convincing yourself that you've somehow successfully spited some evil billionaires who are making themselves richer by selling overpriced junk to the masses.

You're filling their property with shit. Yeah, you can at least say I went down to their mall and I tooked junk to the masses. You're filling their property with shit. Yeah, you can at least say, I went down to their mall and I took a shit in the toilet. Just say the last bit under your breath in the toilet. A legal dirty protest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fully legal endorsed dirty protest. Secret dirty protest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or the police form a cordon around you to keep you safe while you do it. Because you have got permission from them um anyway on this particular occasion i noticed the inspirational writing on the dispenser for the useless tissue paper bum seat barrier things the bum doms the bum doms and i was stunned i had so many questions what why how was this particular location decided Was there a meeting Did someone get a promotion for this I don't think it qualifies as tat But it is certainly tat adjacent

With this disgustingly sincere overly optimistic message Is there a name for that I don't know it is very functional for tat It is sort of tat bleed This is tat bleed into functional items I would say The dispenser itself is not tat because it's an object already, but the labelling is tat. Yeah, it's been tatified.

Well, yeah, it has a tat design. A tat decoration. Yeah, I think it's like asking where does the... A tat does the decal it's a tat decal it's a tatical yes i agree i think it's sort of tat there's tat on it the very atoms of the ink baked onto the porcelain of it are tat yeah yeah um well that's the whole story that's what Horatio says which is funny I'm going to start saying that at the end of my sets

well that's the whole story well that's the whole story I'm a terrible writer it's funny if you just do one liners well that's the whole story well that's the whole story it becomes your catchphrase people get on a t-shirt that a robot sells under a disaster story.

I'm a terrible writer, and I couldn't think of a smooth exit strategy for thank you. So thanks for the great podcasting. Goodbye. Koji, Rachel. P.S. Please do shows in the U.S. We could use some good comedians who are actually creative and not just rude,

and Jim Gaffigan won't last forever. Jim Gaffigan's one of the guys who got me into stand-up in the first place oh I love Jim Gaffigan he's clean and great he's so, he's met the Pope oh yeah, very Catholic

he's a Catholic man, he's got 11,000 children, I can't keep track just loads I know we also have 11,000 children in the church of dirty little boys and dirty little girls that's right yes but we must say goodbye to some of those children right

now as we join the priesthood yes as we go to the private the monastery we go to the private... The monastery. We go to the monastery now? Yeah. Well, it's a monastery because everyone who listens is in the Church of Dirty Little Boys and Girls,

but only a select few are so dedicated that they choose a life of dedication in a different place. Yeah, okay. A life of abstinence, only jacking it. Only jacking it in the patreon vip monastery excellent all right well to the rest of you guys uh see you next time to our patrons see you friday uh i'm on tour for one two more weeks two more weeks baby but then i'm doing autumn dates. So if you missed out on this leg, check out my website. See if I'm coming to you in the autumn.

Bye. Bye.