BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 22 - BorisPod

Episode Date: July 24, 2019

BorisPod! Phil Wang and Pierre Novellie are exhausted by the heat. Boris finally gets to deliver the speech he wrote as a sinister child. Saudi wizards and baguettes. Necromancer strategy and zombie chat! Phil wears earplugs because he losing his mind, sleep hallucinations and The Hag. We discuss only forming negative memories like comedian Garrett Millerick. The Twitter Rage Machine and its addictiveness, full of hate. Bum conductor and lots of lovely correspondence. Prepare for FringePod starting from NEXT WEEK! Get in touch, GMAIL is [e-mail] twitter is @thebudpod Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Desmond episode! Toot toot! Yeah! Toot toot! Episode 22 of Budpod! Which may be BorisPod. Yes, we're recording this um, to

coincide with the coronation of our new uh, Prime Minister who will most likely be Boren, Boren, Boren Boren Bobson Good old Bonis Nodson

Good old Barbara Jensen Good old Brambles Jambles Really looking forward to this The season finale of the UK has someone tried turning the UK off and on again?

I think that might help you may have noticed that the Bud Pod has improved everyone's listening at home going, nah, here we go at last. 22 wins. It's finally paying off. Here we go.

Now the boys are satirizing at the right level. Oh, fuck me. Yeah, that's right, listener. We will know if Boris Johnson is the Prime Minister within 35 minutes. So we might even do a live reaction. Yeah. I mean, it'll be a pretty muted reaction because it's what we're expecting. It's not going to be a surprise.

Yeah, but I think it'd be interesting to see what he says. What if he just goes up to the podium and literally the first thing he says is just... Just evil laughter. Just minutes and minutes of it. Dude, he wrote this speech when he was 13 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you imagine the dust that he's flicked off this piece of paper?

He wrote this speech at 13 in the woods with his other hand on his dick. Which is impressive. Depending on the hand orientation and also you've got very little good purchase in the woods to put a piece of paper on

I think he must have found a stump yeah and a piece of wood very good yeah wow there you go more high quality

there'll be a lot of like tree ring marks in that speech you know yes but anyway let's not get bogged down in the details of Boris Johnson wanking in the woods.

All that matters is that he definitely did that. Allegedly. Allegedly he definitely did that. Allegedly he definitely did that. Yeah, can you imagine... I'm fascinated as well to see if his weird girlfriend is actually who like there's rumors that they haven't they've been on a break and it's not even his girlfriend anymore yeah but is she going to come roaring back with some new pillows for number 10

or is she going to be like no is it going to be like when when someone goes off to uni oh i won't i can't we broke up because he became prime minister. Yeah. She works for a different totalitarian madman now. In a different country. Yeah. I reckon she's going to come back with a vengeance and carry him when he goes up to make a speech. I think he's going to get a load of pig's blood dropped on him.

But then everyone's going to be like, British pig's blood. He'll style it out. All of this blood is what the EU would have stopped us exporting. Delicious blood for our blood food. We do love blood food here. Well, we'll see.

We'll see if old Mophead becomes PM. And he probably will. Although if it's Jeremy Hunt, I will laugh for a hundred years. It would be extraordinary. I mean, it would be in keeping with the surprises of the last couple of years, I suppose. But it's very unlikely. I'm getting surprised less frequently now that my strategy is to think

what's the stupidest thing that could happen yeah and it's generally that's what happens the yeah the stupidest thing

that could happen today is um a child lets go of their bunch of balloons and Boris Johnson thinking it's a good photo op

grabs onto them and then just floats away into the sky forever. That'd be pretty stupid. So that might happen. Or if, in order to deter Iran, Boris Johnson decides to cover himself in goose fat like he's going to swim the Channel and just decides, he says he's going to patrol.

The Straits of Hormuz. The Straits of Hormuz. Just with his goggles and a little swimming cap on. It's like when he was mayor of London, his solution would be to build a cable car across the Straits of Hormuz. For peace. For peace! The Straits of Hormuz, it's one of those areas of the world

where if you look at the list of all the countries surrounding it, it's not a list of countries you'd want to... Get stuck near. No. So as you go down the list, you go homophobes, slave owners, kidnappers, head choppers, women beaters. And that's the women. Statistically, it is. If you want to pass a diverting moment, listener, just

Google how many wizards Saudi Arabia has beheaded. Oh, really? Yeah, they behead wizards. Well, good. You don't want them running about or floating about. The one country where they're real and they don't even appreciate them. Yeah, they don't know how good they have it.

Here we've got I can't move for warlocks. And necromancers. And sages. If you were a necromancer, would you raise animals to be at your side? Or dead people? Oh, people. 100%.

Really? Well, I'd get like extinct animals, like mammoths and shit. Okay, no, that's smart. I didn't think of that. I only just thought of it after I asked the question. You go to the Natural History Museum.

Yes! What happens if a necromancer goes to the Natural History Museum and goes woogly boogly to the whale? Does it go like... It's a good question. Does it start freaking out? Can it swim through the air?

I think it wouldn't be able to move, but the breathing wouldn't be a problem. Because I don't think the undead need to breathe. Also, the undead don't need to eat. Like, skeleton armies don't need to eat, do they? So they don't need to breathe, surely. And the skeletons move as if they were coated in flesh yes that's true so would the whale skeleton flop around or somehow swim in the air or would it be like like flopping on the like it would be like a beached whale but made of yeah

yeah i think it would be beached i think it would be beached i think i think even the undead have to abide by some laws of physics. So if you necromanced a whale skeleton, it would be the one skeleton zombie that is the same. Yeah, as a normal. Not moving, there's no breathing noises, it's bones. The only thing that would let you in on it would be like, oh, some of these bones are hovering in the anatomically perfect place for them to hover. Yes, yeah, that's right.

If anything, it's incredibly useful scientifically to have a necromanced whale bones. Yeah, it's good research. But I try and unearth Dippy the Diplodocus. Yes. Have him bound about. Do you think it'd be a problem if you were a necromancer and you said, I'm going to raise

An army of the dead With my eldritch powers And then you went to a cemetery And went And all the ghosts, the ghouls and skeletons came up But they were all just like Peasants Right

They're not like not useful But they're not very strong They're not like good You want to go to're not very strong. Yeah, and they're not good. Yeah. You want to go to a graveyard full of a Mongol horde, don't you? Also, if they all died when they were old. Yeah, are they worse? They're bent over.

Are they worse bone men? Are the bone men worse? Well, yeah, because your bones deteriorate over age, don't they? Yeah, they must have crappier bones. Yeah. But then their bones should have deteriorated as well from being a dead lad. Ah, but bones stay okay, don't they? Bones kind of don't rot.

I think in the right conditions. Marrow rots, but not the bones themselves. I do, yeah. Well, this is the thing with the zombie thing like the question I always have is okay the ones that are

spooky spooky dookie zombies zombies the zombies that are like like magic zombies yeah they're actual corpses

yeah with bit meat on them with some green meat on them with some green meat on them sure yeah green meat on them yeah they should fall to bits right but it's the magic holding them together

okay so you go okay fine but in the ones where you know it's like oh it's rage virus yeah yeah yeah biological zombies 28 days later style

or I am legend style yes yes yes yeah so these people are just very sick yeah they still need to eat yeah and uh you know how um when you when you use your muscles there are little tears in your muscle yeah that's how you build muscle you know you yeah because you've torn it in a microscopic level their muscles are tearing because they're tearing other people apart but they're not repairing because they're like dead so you know slowly so all right so those all break down and yeah i've always wondered like

i think in one of the 28 days later movies the one uh maybe it was 28 weeks later, where they do start sort of falling to bits. They've kept that one in the garden and they're trying to see when it sort of collapses. Oh, okay. I've only seen Days Later. Weeks is good. Is it? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's what you'd expect.

When I say good, I mean, go in thinking this will be what it is. It's like if we tell people John Wick 3 is good. Yeah, given the set of expectations one could reasonably assemble from watching 1 and 2. What's your zombie survival plan, Phil? What's your zombie survival plan, Phil? I'm such a quitter that I probably want to get wiped out straight away.

You're like one of those nuclear war people who wants to get hit first. Yeah, I want to be under the bomb. On your head. On want it on my head. A headshot. I want to be a shadow in Trafalgar Square. That's what I want to be. I don't want to have to move on and rebuild. That's quite poetic.

A shadow in Trafalgar Square. That sounds like lyrics from a Simon and Garfunkel song. I want to be a shadow in Trafalgar Square. That's very nice. Because, I mean, as a comedian, as comedians, we don't really have

very many post-civilization skills. I think the one skill all comedians have is the ability to slog on despite all messages to the contrary. We're good at rejection. we're good at dealing with rejection rejection and just mindlessly pursuing something that's definitely not worth it

right like trying to desperately grow rice in a radioactive puddle yeah um otherwise my, I'd probably go to, um, what would be a good building?

I'd either try and hold up in a hospital. Yeah, a hospital, I guess. Try and hold up in a hospital. A hospital would be good. Or a school. Oh, how cool would it be if you, uh, set something in Winston Churchill's bunker?

One of the war rooms? Yeah. That's what they're for. Oh, yeah, would it be if you set something in Winston Churchill's bunker? One of the war rooms? Yeah. That's what they're for. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a bunker. But I don't think it's kitted out with the supplies you need. Like, it might have been at one point. No, I know.

I'm saying, like, in a movie or something. Oh, okay. Like, use that as a setting. How cool would that be? Like, dark, dark dark wet tunnels hunting zombies or being hunted by zombies

while like speakers play an old Winston Churchill speech that's echoing through the oh yeah that's neat how cool would that be yeah yeah yeah

that would be neat and you go and it's a mannequin who goes there or whatever like the shitty museum mannequins yeah yeah yeah

that'd be fucking great where is Churchill buried himself the man himself buried in the grounds of his family home I think oh I, yeah. That'd be fucking great. Where's Churchill buried himself? The man himself? He's buried in the grounds of his family home, I think. Oh, I would have thought he'd be in... Where's the church where all the best English people are buried? Westminster Abbey.

Ah, he's not there. I don't think so. He got a massive state funeral. Yeah. Which you can watch a video of. And they carted him all the way home. I think so. Wow. I think so. Well, good for him, I suppose. I would. Yeah. London would be the worst... It would probably be the worst place to be with zombies short term.

And the best place long term. Because it would probably be the first place they try and fix. Yes. And are there... Is there a lot of... There's a lot of people... lot there's a lot of people although assuming a lot of people are killed

there's a lot of there'd be a lot of supplies in London. Yeah, that's true. You know if say they wipe out half the people that's a lot of supplies.

Yeah, it's never clear to me the one the people who become zombos in like 28 days later, it's like they get bitten, right? Yeah. Yeah, but sometimes they get bitten so much they die.

I think, isn't it like... So... If they're bitten so much that their body becomes structurally unsound, it seems that they don't get to come back. Yeah, yeah. Right? That's the rule. Yeah.

If you don't have knees. Yeah, basically, you become one of the torso-crawling ones. There's always a torso lad, isn't there? Because that's the spooky-dookiest thing that can happen, is a torso boy. Torso lad. So if you squish their heads, then they're gone. They do still seem to need brains. You don't just get a leg.

Yeah. A leg going around kicking't just get a leg. Yeah. A leg going around kicking people really angrily. Yeah. So why do they need a brain but no blood flow to keep moving? I guess they do have blood flow if it's the biological one, right? But if they've got their bottom half cut off, then they'd be losing a lot of zombie blood. They couldn't just keep going.

Yeah, that's it, isn't it? Yeah. Coagulate? It's all cheating, really. Maybe they get very good at coagulating. I think it's all just a load of... A load of claptrap. Absolute nonsense.

Remainer scare tactics. There won't be any zombie... Project fear. I, for one, am sick of all this project fear about the zombie apocalypse. I think we can make am sick of all this project fear about the zombie apocalypse. I think we can make the best of it. I think if you believe in Britain... If we got through the Second World War,

we can defeat an army of the undead. Hello. No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone. Oh, hello. Is that the Met Office? The Met Meteorological Office? The office for the weather? It's Marjorie here.

Hello. I hope you're all right up there in your satellites. I'm just calling because I live in England and it's getting very hot. And it's a sort of, I think you'd call it 35 degrees Celsius, which of course is 856 degrees Fahrenheit. some 856 degrees Fahrenheit or 9 million degrees Blompenfeldt scale like we are used to using pressure. Anyway, the point is it's too hot and I was hoping that you could possibly make it so that it's not hot and it's quiet and still and cold well not cold but not as hot as this because I'm having some problems

where I normally I leave a tray of milk out on my back garden door step for the gnomes and the gnomes job is to fix my shoes because I dance too much. I am a clod hopping. I go to the high street and I dance and there's no music. And I'm clad in all of my big petticoats and heavy cloth and I jiggle around, and you can't see because my dress is too big, but I'm jumping and dancing,

and oogly-doo-boobling, and because you can't see under the dress, you can't see any movement, and it's all just, it seems like a lady whose second lower half is a dome is sort of vibrating and going mad. Anyway, it's too hard to do that, and I'm losing my income, because it's too hard. But also, I dance so much that there are holes in my shoes, because I'm dancing on a cobble.

And ironically, I need a cobbler's now for my shoes because there are holes in my shoes and the gnomes are cobblers and they cobble my shoes in exchange for a dish of milk. But it's so hot that I leave out the milk. And within an hour it has evaporated and there's just a sort of dairy cheese crust left and the gnomes do eat it

but they don't like it, and so they fix my shoes a little bit with cardboard and tape and eyelashes and bits of dragonfly, and I think once they sell a taped butterfly over a hole, which to them probably seemed fine, but of course it didn't last even a second, the second I put it on and it turned into the creepy dust. Anyway, it's not good enough, and I'm losing my shoes, and it's too hard to dance, and I need those coins to buy the milk, to pay the names, so I have shoes.

Look and see to my dilemma. So the reason I'm calling you, the weather people, is I'm asking if you could just turn it down. Just a bit. So that it's maybe half as many millions of Kishmool and Hobarts. Or maybe 23 degrees. Okay, I've got to go practice some moves. Bye.

How are you coping with the hot weather, Philip? I hate the hot weather, man. I hate it. It turns me into a zombie. An angry, sweaty zombie that can't sleep, can't think. I bought a big fan. Yeah. A tower fan.

Oh, yeah, we got one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a fan in my bedroom. I've not had to use it yet. I've been using that fan. Oh, boy. I think that's almost I sleep better

because of the noise really yeah just you find that calming yeah I've become an absolute wimp of noise I need

I have I wear earplugs every night now you wear earplugs every night yeah really yeah

like some sort of I don't know who does that someone in a war I wear it's like I'm at a music festival every that? Someone in a war? It's like I'm at a music festival every night. You're like a baby at a music festival. Yeah.

With his giant headphones on. I just need pure silence, and I think I'm getting worse and worse and worse. My fridge has got quite noisy. Either my fridge has got very noisy, or I've become very sensitive. Maybe you're just losing your fucking mind. I've told you I'm losing... I've been telling you that I've been losing my mind for months. Sorry, to be fair, you have been telling me that you're

losing your mind. Yeah. So you're forgetting things. Your fridge is too loud. Fridge is too loud. The other night, I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard someone go, hey! And I just woke up.

No. Yes. Spooks. Spooks. And I had to get a place to sleep somehow after that. Spooks. Were you afraid? Or were you just like, what the fuck?

Because I've had these things before, these sort of sleep paralysis, the hag, sleep, what's it? Spooks? When you imagine things. Hallucinate? Yeah, I've had sleep

hallucinations quite a lot of times. What do you normally see? The hag is a classic one, the old lady. She'll just come and sit on my bed and look at me go really having a couple of times she's just laughing yeah yeah yeah but not in a fun way

yeah not in a fun way and i i'd force my comedian you should be like thank you yeah she's having a good night and i turned over and and her head is just like a fold in my duvet. Yeah, yeah. But when she's in the corner of my eye, she has eyes and horrible hair. I've had the feeling of someone sitting on your bed, like your bed gets pushed down. Yes. Yeah, so when I when I heard hey

and I woke up I went no and I just went oh yeah it's one of these fucking things

yeah spooky dooky yeah I didn't realise how uncommon it is I thought it was a lot more common than

um I don't think it's rare I mean we know a bunch of like Jason gets that yeah you know yeah it's usually

I think it's usually to do with bad sleep habits and i think jason's has terrible sleep habits um and i sometimes don't sleep very well well it sounds like you're not sleeping well because you're worrying about losing your goddamn mind listening to the fridge uh my mind's been getting better though Is your memory coming back? Yeah it's getting better I read a memory techniques book Which has helped a little

I did exercise with you And the couple of guys at the diner That's right When we were having lunch together with some friends Phil remembered all of the objects on the table In a specific order It's quite impressive Looking at them once

And just like exercising your mind that way on the table in a specific order. Yes. It's quite impressive. Looking at them once. Yeah. And just like exercising in my own way has given me some of my confidence back. So I'm remembering things a little better. And I was on a TV game show recently. That hasn't come out yet. But I did quite well. Did you?

Can you say what game show it was? A quiz show. I probably can't. A TV quiz show? Yes. Well, well, show. I probably can't. A TV quiz show? Yes. Well, well, well. And I did all right. Yeah. Now you can use your memory techniques. You can use your memory techniques to remember exactly how ugly the hag was.

Yeah. She was on your bed going, or you can remember exactly how loud the fridge is when it's driving you mad. I remember unpleasant memories, embarrassing memories, sad memories with crystal clarity. Yeah. And all my happy memories are a blur. I don't remember. Did you see Garrett Millerick's show?

Yeah. Do you remember that bit he said about it? How he only forms memories when it's unpleasant? Right. Yeah. Listeners, if you don't know Garrett millerick he's a very good comedian and uh i i was living with him in adelaide in australia doing the festival there for a little while and this is a real story he told me that he put in his show where i was busy i think i was

trying to bake something like i was that's how bored i was it doesn't seem like you at all i imagine you baking anything yeah i can't imagine you baking anything I can't imagine you bending down to open an oven for some reason or stirring a mixing bowl just with a big apron on I actually got big chef's hats putting a pie on a windowsill

with a big hand made of smoke and a hungry cat floats in the air and rides on the aroma lines. Or like a hobo with gloves with finger holes and a big top hat. Uh-huh. And a bindle on a stick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, good eats! Yeah. Anyway, the story Garrett tells is... I was baking something. And he was saying how he'd been at this bar and the barman had made a G&T wrong. He'd added a load of lemon juice. And the guy, and he was like,

I don't want G&T and lemon. I want a fucking G&T. And the guy was like, that's how we do them here. And he's like, well, that's not what I asked for. And it got escalated and escalated. And there's like a queue building up behind him and he'd already paid for it. And I was like, I want a new one.

And the guy was like, I'm not making you a new one. And just eventually he was like, fine, I'll just drink it then. And he was telling me this whole story. And I was like i want a new one and i was like i'm not making you a new one and um just eventually he was like fine i'll just drink it then and he was telling me this whole story and i was like was this last night and he goes this was uh august 2005 i was crying laughing it's like what is it like in your mind this library of grievances you know even something as fucking pointless and small as that it's just in hd clarity yeah absolutely and like all your birthdays are just like fuzzy like cctv footage but i think i think in order to be a stand-up you need that because like every stand-up gig is just an opportunity To hopefully make a happy memory

Right? That's what every stand-up gig is Is the hope that you're about to form a happy memory Because we don't have any happy memories Because we've forgotten them all They don't register Do you think if we remembered all the great stuff That happens to us

We wouldn't be funny anymore Yeah, look at people who are satisfied with their lives. They're boring as shit. They're not funny. Right? Because they can remember happy times. Is anyone... Who's satisfied and funny?

There's got to be someone who's having a pleasing time. I don't know. Who's super friendly and... And nice and funny? Yeah. Can't think of anyone. Wait and And nice and funny Yeah Can't think of anyone Wait but nice Nice and

And satisfied I think Jimmy Carr is satisfied I don't think He fucking better be I don't think you make that many TV shows If you're satisfied Yeah that's true I don't think you get your teeth bleached

If you're satisfied That is very funny That is very funny Bleached if you're satisfied That is very funny That is very funny if you get your teeth bleached like Excuse me. I'd like to um, I got this fleet of this this flyer this leaflet about teeth bleaching not satisfied Have you really funny opener from a dentist Not satisfied. Oh, yeah.? Yeah, can't blame you. Can't blame you.

It's a pile of shit, the world, isn't it? Anyway, get in the chair. That would be great. I'm fascinated by Jimmy Carr. I've seen him once in real life. And he's tiny like a puppet. Why do I remember him being quite big? I was thinking of him as quite big.

He's got a big head. A big head. Is he short? Yeah. He's like a lollipop. I was thinking of him as being quite tall. Really a big head Is he short? Yeah He's like a lollipop I was thinking of him as being quite tall Really? Yeah and I've met him a few times I mean I saw him from across the road at the fringe once

So maybe the perspective was skewed Because he was next to a giant Scotsman He's um I'm going to look up his height Okay Shall we put in bets? Yeah okay Okay so how tall do you think

uh jimmy carr is i'm going to say uh five foot oh five foot ten five foot ten okay i'm gonna say five seven okay all right let's see uh listeners uh do play along. Jimmy Carr. Yes. How tall do you think Jimmy Carr is? Oh, he is quite tall, but it's telling me in metres. Oh, for God's sake. Thanks a lot, France. Brexit means Brexit. He's six feet tall.

Well, yeah. What? Yeah. No. Yeah. I remember seeing a little puppet man. It was across the road, though. And maybe the sheer size of his head.

To quote Father Ted, small, far away. Small, far away. Well, it's the only quoting of Father Ted anyone can do these days. After old Linehan's destroyed his legacy by being... Graham Lunatic. Becoming obsessed with Twitter Twitter even if you're right surely you can see that is not worth it even if you were right

surely at some point your own loved ones take your phone away and say wasn't it a nice Sunday we had a roast we had a walk there were birds in the trees and you just had a private life wasn't that nice they go give me the rage machine i want it back i want the rage machine back in my

hand i mean i i'd be a hypocrite to say i didn't understand that because i've recently come to terms with the fact that i love twitter. I love how awful it is. I love that it brings out the worst in people. I love that it turns us into animals. I love it. I think you have that detachment, though. I guess, but then I get involved in it as well, and I get angry, and I get upset,

and I love it. I love it. I feel like it's that bit late on in Breaking Bad when he finally admits that he didn't do it out of necessity. He did it because he loved it and he was good at it. That's how I feel about Twitter now. But you don't get involved involved.

By sheer force of will. I want to all the time. That's what's impressive to me because you, I think, when it comes to Twitter and how horrific it is, can be more of a spectator. i think you can put that distance in yourself and it's almost like you're going look at what's happening in this box the way i engage with twitter is i screenshot it and send it to people like you yeah which drives me mad because i've done my best to remove all of that stuff from my feed it's like you've subscribed to a really old version of Twitter where I have to, like you've

gone to a news agent and subscribed to my Twitter pics. Yeah, but also, yeah, I want Phil's version of Twitter through his lens. But it's like I've signed up for like the lowlights. Right, the worst. All the most unbelievable examples of hypocrisy and lying by omission. Cherry-picked and delivered straight to my inbox. Now this is bullshit 126 or whatever. All the greatest hits!

Yeah, so instead of doing it openly in public on Twitter, I'll just take something that I think is particularly stupid and talk about it with people who I know already agree with me. Yes! Which is what Twitter is anyway. It leaves a mark on me. It's like rolling a poo down a bed sheet. It could be fun in its obscenity,

but it leaves marks that you have to deal with. It leaves a spiritual stain on me. I love... I just get such a kick out of it. I love... I love the... I love seeing how ugly people are. I think the victory to me is to forget that they're there.

Then I feel more like I've won. So if every now and then I see them being awful these people i go oh right yeah of course you you exist right like yeah you're out there doing this all the time god imagine that you know ha ha ha and i get on with my life whereas if they're always i'm always aware of them then i'm always aware of them and it's like oh god they're out there toiling every day on this ridiculous line of inquiry I like the knowledge that there are people out there wasting their time while

I'm doing okay and I like being reminded of that all the time I like watching their futile efforts at relevance I it really makes me feel good I think they're winning though a lot of them I don't think they are I think it looks like they are

because they are commanding a lot of online discourse but that in itself is worthless in the real world the most chilling thing is when you genuinely meet a TV producer who admits that they look at how many Twitter followers someone has before they book them for a show oh really? yeah because they're actually turning that into real power.

Sure. And those people exist. Yeah. Because a lot of people who book people for things are thick and lazy, and they'll use any metric they can get their hands on. Otherwise, they have to make a decision by taste, and they have no taste. It doesn't last. I mean, it doesn't last.

If someone isn't good on that show, they won't be back, really. Yeah, but once is enough for them to go on another show it's enough to get their views out there to have an impact no but if they're not good they won't get on another show I think they'll get on they won't get on the same show again I think they'll get on another show my point is I want them to have nothing Philip

zero dust I want this great screen grab of i think it was an american uh uh photo book what they called him photo book photo book you are losing your mind you speaking english like a german yeah book transliterate a year and um and it was a chinese american studentAmerican student whose leaving quote was, it is not enough to do well. I need to see my enemies fail. I need to see others fail.

Which is like so Chinese. And I loved it so much. And it's exactly how I feel. And for me, Twitter is this constant rolling reminder that people out there are doing terribly. God. Is that a psychopathic thing to say? No, I think psychopaths wouldn't care either way.

Right, yeah. Because they don't care, right? Okay, a psychopath will only care about their own... They might get some enjoyment from it, but they wouldn't emotionally care that other people fail. Hey! What? Hey!

Oi! What? What the... Excuse me? What the... Huh. Oi! What? Keep tracking it Well there you have it Phil We just saw it happen live on the television On the old idiot box Yeah And saw it happen live on the television.

On the old Idiot Box. Yeah. And there was an idiot on the Idiot Box. And now he's the Prime Minister. Yeah, we just watched Boris Johnson become, well, the lead of the Conservative Party and next Prime Minister of the UK. And I just sort of laughed. You can only laugh in these situations

I was surprised I didn't really feel all that sad about it I guess he knew it was going to happen well I mean he's sort of becoming prime minister of a kind of impossible like it doesn't matter who the prime minister is well exactly that's what I was thinking I mean it's not really mattered that Theresa May's been the prime minister really it doesn't doesn't seem to i think people are the the thing every everyone talks about is the fact that theresa may just like

can't speak to people in a super anti-social and bad like winning people over so may like that's the only difference like we we will now have a fascinating experiment phil where boris johnson will be the experiment to prove how little or how much it matters if you seem like a jolly nice chap. Yeah. Because if he pulls it off, it turns out all it takes is to be a jolly nice chap. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And then you go, okay, well, there's your proof. If you can just be like, come on, and someone goes, okay, then you can do anything you want.

Well, it's sort of the disturbing thing about Donald Trump, which I kind of predicted to myself, and so you can't disprove it, when he won, was that he's going to be able to work shit out with Kim Jong-un. Yeah. Because he's also crazy. Yeah. And that is kind of what has happened.

Yeah. So, in a way, maybe in a world of madmen, we need our own kind of benign Mad Men to work through it. I'm going to have to repost it, but I took a screenshot of that bit in The Dark Knight, and it's Alfred saying, in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn't fully understand. They get the Joker involved.

And that's what it's going to be like. They go, you don't understand this guy. And he's like burning a big pile of money labeled Brexit. It's about sending a message. It's about sovereignty. Do you know how I got this hair? My father, on I'm a Was an MP.

Oh my god. I'm fascinated to see what kind of absolute Muppet Christmas Carol cabinet he assembles. All the craziest puppets. Yep. Count Chocula.

Yep. Anton Deck. Count Chocula. Anton Deck. The Loch Ness Monster for the Scottish vote. It's a member of the Scottish Tory party. It always has been. Owain Glyndaur, the ancient Welsh hero the ancient Welsh hero

the black dog of depression for the Department of Work and Pensions Scrooge McDuck for Chancellor the principal from Matilda for Education Secretary Miss Trunchbull you little squits yeah she'll be there deaf and education secretary. Miss Trunchbull. You little squits.

Yeah, she'll be there, throwing children in a big circle. Children need to learn how to be thrown. Yeah, so, I'd just like to thank Miss Trunchbull for her brilliant speech on education and throwing people. He speaks in almost like almost burps.

Jowly burps. Yes. Yeah he burps his words. He doesn't really have jowls. It's almost like he's trying to pronounce jowls. Jowls. Yeah.

Jowls. Jowls. Jowls. Jowls. So yes. That's going to be the country now. We get the leaders we deserve. Yeah I think that's true. I think we get the leaders we deserve. Yeah, I think that's true.

I think we get the leaders we deserve. I think that's the only comfort I get from this period of history, is that we deserve it. And I think that's why I like going on Twitter. Because I go, it reminds me that we deserve to be in this pain. You're like an ancient chronicler. There were lots of ancient chroniclers like Gildas of the Britons

who when the English came across the pagan Anglo-Saxons came across the sea and were destroying the Britons and knocking down all the Roman towns and so on, he wrote a big book about how everyone deserved it for fucking too much and being naughty not doing their prayers

saying the pagan English are God's punishment and then years later the English would say the Vikings are the same thing it's a very good way of explaining why people are coming and bullying you well maybe if you'd prayed instead of taking all those dicks in your mouth

there wouldn't be so many Vikings around yeah I believe a version of that now you're like Gildas scrolling through twitter going yeah sinful sinful britons yeah you will reap what you have sown and also i do have a gilt ass my ass is made of gold what's coated in a fine layer of gold i don't shit gold i shit out of gold you shit out of gold yes it don't shit gold, I shit out of gold. You shit out of gold, yes. It's more prestigious that way. Because you dipped your bum in an electrolysis machine and had gold bound to it through

chemistry. That's why you can tell whenever Phil, if I'm doing a comedy show, I know Phil's in because of the noise when he sits down. Clong! Oh, Phil's in. An excellent conductor My ass as well As the Philharmonic Orchestra

Will attempt Do you think there's someone who's so good At twerking and tensing and releasing Their bum muscles that they could conduct an orchestra Put the stick in the bum hole Oh, I was just saying Just with the butt As Adam Buxton would say, butox Right, right, right Put the stick in the bum hole and... Oh, I was just saying just with the butt... Oh, just the butt itself.

Just as Adam Buxton would say, butox. Right, right, right, right. But also, you're quite right. Is there someone with such a deft anus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could wiggle it and spin it around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is a conductor's stick called?

A baton. Is it a conductor's baton? I think it's a conductor's baton. I want to look it up now. It can't be a wand, can it? A music wand. A music wand for the bum bum. I think it's a conductor's baton It can't be wand, can it? A music wand A music wand for the bum bum I think it could be a music wand

We're back on topic for this podcast Oh yeah, it's been a long time We mentioned the bum there I don't think we've mentioned poo once I mentioned the idea of rolling a poo off a big sheet Oh, that's true Yeah, but, you know There's only so much you can do

It's like in French versions of Harry Potter When they want to talk about all their wands Conductor Baton In French versions of Harry Potter they have to say baguette Who have to say baguette? French Harry Potter Really? Yeah because there's no word for wand

Well baguette means stick So it's like he cast his baguette And a load of spells came out or whatever. It also somehow sounds even more like a penis than a wand does. Like, he flings his baguette about the place. A wand is thin. Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't want someone to call your dick a wand.

Yeah. But a baguette! A baguette is good. And it ends on a hard consonant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Baguette. Like get it. Get. Baguette it. Get get you're going to baguette

it correspondence so here's some correspondence um I'm going to summarize some of it. Basically, Victoria gets in touch and says, dear 2Ps in a Bud Pod, she's a teacher of history in high school, slash sixth form. You mean a history teacher?

She's a teacher of history. Interesting. Maybe, yeah, she says it as an amateur. Basically, she overheard two students doing some low-level chatting. And so she tried to listen, like, what are these two... What are these two pricks up to? Exactly. And she heard one of them say bin bags.

Oh, really? Yeah. Instantly, my mind flooded to the coded messages of Budpod. And with disregard to the current topic, I looked the student square in the face and said... And asked, are you having a bum-bum day? No. messages of Budpod and with disregard to the current topic I looked the student square in the face and said and asked are you having a bum bum day? I confidently repeated the phrase as the

rest of the class paused for an explanation and there was no response. It was vacant and confused. It's high risk! It's high risk! That's high risk, Victoria. You did it though. You did it, though. You did your best.

Kristen gets in touch. Crisp as spring day. Kristen. Yeah, I know. Yeah, all right. American Piazon, she says. American Phil Pia liaison. Oh, okay. Yeah, she put that in brackets.

Okay. Whatever. You're welcome. now back to the important stuff uh first and foremost you spoke of some famous dude making reservations at a diner and it being ridiculous that was george galloway oh yeah george galloway uh not so much a famous dude kristin as uh a kind of famously shitty politician uh i don't remember the guys uh however william shatner used to come into my restaurant all the time. That's neat.

Yeah, but it was always at like 2.30 on a Tuesday or some ridiculous time when there were most likely only five tables occupying the whole large restaurant, including the bar. And he'd come in with some family members. But about 20 minutes to an hour before arriving, there would be a phone call from one of them insisting on a reservation. Everyone who has ever answered the phone would politely say there was no need for a reservation at that time, but they would sternly insist on being in the books.

Wow. Which for us meant a scanty... You mean in the captain's log? I want a captain's log reservation star date today at 2.30. Which basically nobody ever wrote the reservation down. They had their pick of literally 30 different places to sit. I love that. One time I was doing my closing lunch work

and he saw me from afar, raised his hand, snapped, and pointed towards his plate while his hand was still raised high in the air. So his hand's up there. He goes, click, and points down at his plate

and yells across the room to me, Mustard! Mustard! That is not my name. So I used my best fake yell inside voice to tell him I'd send over his server. It's always weird to me, Americans say server instead of... Waiter or waitress. I guess it's gender neutral but it makes it sound like robots. Server, yeah. I will send you a server. Serve me. Well, they've got a much stronger customer service culture there. It's because they pay them slave wages.

Yeah. The minimum wage for serving staff in America, like federally, is $2 an hour. But then they expect more from them. Whereas here, they're paid better, and we expect far less. Yes, but what I mean then they expect more from them whereas here they're paid better and we expect far less yes but but what i mean is they expect more because because they they think they are slaves already yeah but also if you don't get if like if you're in a situation where it's like hey get tips or you're gonna fucking die guess who's really nice now probably the slaves right yeah you know who's polite a slave with a gun to their head. They're very polite. Yeah.

It's like, oh, what a surprise that they're nice. You go, I'd be fucking nice. It's like, get a tip from this old lady or you're not going to be able to get your tooth fixed at the dentist. Jesus Christ. Also, she says, please ask all the slow pooers what they do about limbs falling asleep. She has parts of her body fall asleep if she ever has a long wee wee Really? Or is on the toilet to avoid people and not talk to people I guess your leg could go to sleep

Yes that's possibly true She says now go get white girl wasted for your 21st Which was last week of course Yours in pee and poo And I guess mustard too That's very nice Yours in pee and poo Yours in pee and poo And I guess mustard too. That's very nice. Yours in pee and poo. Yours in pee and poo.

And I guess mustard too. Hi Pottington Peas, it's Joe here of the Sugar Eagle birthday card fame. If you remember I put on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He made his friend birthday card with Sugar Eagle. I think she.

Joe? J-O. Oh, J-O. You can't know these days. Open your mind, Phil, and let the sun shine in. I remember a time when Joes were Joes. Just want to say, loving the podcast, getting me through my walks to work, which now I'm seven months pregnant. Oh!

I'm taking an increasing amount of Louie's. Wow. Well done keeping them up. Yeah. If I ever got pregnant, I'd use it as an excuse to do even less than I do now. Yeah, I'd just be like a chrysalis. I'd hang from a sleeping bag on a coat hook and people would have to bring me things. It has also had the interesting effect of making me giggle to myself while I was

visiting Ikea the other day, remembering poor Marjorie and her not being able to understand Arrow's medical condition. Would love to hear some more from her. Okay, well, we can

might do some more. We haven't heard from Marjorie in a while. Quick authoritarian thought, smoking is banned, but vaping is okay. I think that's just

now, isn't it? Keep what you're doing, boys, and keep jacking it. Okay, thank you, Joe. Thank you very much, Joe, and congratulations about the old uh

the old uh pod baby yeah the mini Joe um do you reckon if you go on long walks while you're pregnant the baby will be uh

will like become a rambler the baby comes out with um a backpack on yeah yeah yeah and starts bumping into all the nurses

turning around and things oh sorry oh and has those walking sticks and like the first thing

that comes out are just like a couple of walking sticks Andrew Andrew gets in touch and says about there's that scene

on Austin Powers where he's like who throws a shoe oh yeah do you remember that where that's like it really hurt actually they were saying it's twice as funny if you now he's enjoying it twice as much oh good

because it's awesome powers yeah but it's a bud pod reference yeah yeah all your favorite things stacking on top of double layers yeah that's good that really hurt actually uh sam sam gets in touch and he says uh he says he says our podcast is his favorite podcast don't tell the off menu boys fuck you off menu here's what's on the menu us beating you in the heart of Sam

I mean we're losing that lead now I think pop a thumbs or go fuck yourself Sam also says his coolest uncool thing is learning a second language uncool as it takes so many Louis to learn a new language but knowing a second language instantly makes you smarter and more interesting it does

in appearance at least and you get to tell people secrets you can have secrets of people je suis un criminal that kind of thing What is he talking about? What?

I presume about his innocence Sam's uncoolest cool thing is breaking a bone Everyone wants to sign your cast when you're at school But in reality you have to go through lots of pain And be inconvenienced for months while it heals That's true Also at my school I swear Someone was on crutches every week from a skiing accident or whatever.

Yeah. So eventually it just became quite a little naff. Yeah. And you go, oh boy, someone else has fractured their tibia. Someone else has to be helped through doors. Yeah. Because of their own skiing lust. Yeah.

Bill gets in touch. I don't think we've had a Bill. Yeah. Bill. Hello, Phil and Pierre. Bill gets in touch I don't think we've had a Bill Yeah Hello Phil and Pierre I've been having some authoritarian and libertarian thoughts In the same thought hemisphere The brain I recently flew back from Toronto

Not a brag eh And there was 11 babies on the flight 11 I didn't count them myself That would have been a bit child catcher That's a football team of babies. That's a football team of babies. No subs. Let's hope the babies don't get injured.

But I asked the crew at the back while making disingenuous conversation to mask the fact that all I was back there for was another G&T. Lime added. The next seven hours was a mixture of noise, the smell of baby wipes, smell of baby bum lives, and then the disappointment and then the disappointment

and then the disappoint they you remember I think it means when you remember that you have to land in the Gatwick South Terminal. It was the fact I managed to snag four seats to myself close to the back, but was also closer to the toilets. And those babies seemed to love the toilet. So much so, they insist on

having one strapped to them for the first few years of their lives. Make babies free and have baby planes. So much so they insist on having one strapped to them for the first few years of their life. That's true. Make babies free and have baby planes. Make babies free? Not piloted or staffed by babies. Good clarification. But just say anyone under 10 that can't be trusted with their own excretory system.

Oh, he's saying some planes should be baby free and some planes should be baby only. Yes, I think he's sleep deprived from being covered in baby poo for a full flight from Canada. Because it sounds like segregation, Bill. Yes, he wants a sort of youth apartheid. Yeah. A poo-based youth apartheid. You're going to have to work on the marketing of that, Bill. Yeah.

It doesn't sound good to the public. If you want apartheid based on pooping, poo-poo bum-bums and age. It's a hard sell. Because it'd be babies in the oap and oaps wouldn't it babies and very old people who've lost their uh poop you can call it bopes bopes babies and old age pensioners yeah boaps boaps boaps a bunch of absolute boaps on that plane it's not like shit and piss the whole way and racism. And that was just the baby. We have another email in from Kenny, who was the man who had the poo in the post.

Oh, great. The poo poster. Okay, what's turned up in the old pee-poo box? P-O-O box. P-U-O box. P-U-O box today. Howdy,O box. P-U-O box today. Howdy, P-Pi and Fofum. Nice.

I wanted to start out by following up on what Catherine mentioned last week. Most pleasant unpleasant thing. My proposal is a hotel or living accommodation in a strange city. When you return from meandering back to your hotel, it's a relief. Until you get to the room and wish you were home instead. Right, that is true. Yeah, yeah your hotel. It's a relief until you get to the room and wish you were home instead. Right, that is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.

That said... It's a port and a storm, isn't it? It's a port and a storm. It's a port and a storm. It's a P and an S. That said, I had a poo-related hotel story. However, I figured I'd refrain from scat-chat today, opting instead for an uncomfortable

okay, thank you I had once in a hotel room. Sure, for a little variation. For a little variation, but Kenny, feel free to send in the poo story. Yes, next time. As stated in my prior email, I was in choirs and regularly engaged in hootenanny with my fellow vocal villains. We were staying at a hotel in South Carolina for a week on a university choir trip, and there were four boys per room.

I knew two of them, called them Ray and Don, but the fourth boy was a quiet theology student who politely kept to himself. Let's call him Tom. Kept himself on guard, I imagine. Well, indeed. Most of the trip we'd been in rehearsals for various ensembles from 8am to 8pm, breaking only for ten minutes

or so, and for half an hour at a time to eat when the time came. One day we had a rare four-hour reprieve Wow. Wow. holding up a switchblade. I'm fully expecting him to freak out and give me all his money. But instead, he looks at the floor and quietly says, Could you please give me my knife? What? When I complied, he softly said, Okay, thank you. Put it in his backpack on the floor,

went to his side of the bed by the window, and took a nap. Wow. Keep, Jack. In it. From Kenny. Nice little London twist to the phrase That's fucking creepy

The quiet theologian boy has a little switchblade Like next to the bible Ding Because a switchblade is for stabbing That's why it fixes itself as it pops up So there's no good Is it not maybe for Peeling apples in a threatening way

Marking his favourite bits in the Bible. It's a bookmark. Treat others as you would wish to be treated! And he stabs into the Bible. Yeah, maybe he's very dramatic about God. Maybe it's to test that. You know how people always get saved from gunshots and stabs from the Bible in their pocket?

I have my Bible, yeah. Maybe he just practices... T tests his Bible's armour capacity. I think if you want to be truly saved by a Bible, you should just wear a big suit made of loads of Bibles. Like Bible chain mail. That's a funny idea. That was episode 22 of the Boris Pod. Yeah.

The new PM. The new PM. The new PM and a heatwave has drained us, I think. Absolutely. If you live in the UK, congratulations. What fascinating times we live in. Everything is going to be all right. And if it isn't, we're all just going to die anyway. It doesn't matter.

Yeah. It's an optimistic podcast this week. The main thing that we really should say is that within a week... Oh yes, this is our last London-based pod for a while. We will be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Yes.

Me and Phil will be living together. With Garrett Millerick from the angry G&T story. And the oft-cited Glenmore. And the oft-sighted Glenmore. And the oft-sighted Glenmore. And we're going to try and get lots of cool people on this thing. Yep. And if we build up enough pods, we can have a holiday.

That's a good point, actually, yeah. We'll record a bunch with our favourite comedian friends and a couple of enemies. That'll be fun. We'll throw some enemies in and you can tell. You can try and listen and think, oh, maybe they're enemies. Yeah, you'll be able to hear from the tone that we don't like them. They don't like us.

Yeah, you'll be able to hear Phil spinning the barrels of his revolver while he's talking to them. That's how I can tell if he doesn't like someone. Yeah, usually I just leave it on the table. If he really likes you, he'll lick the revolver the whole time he's talking to you. Really sensually. But I'm really looking forward to it. We're going to have a lot of fun guests.

All the best comedians in the UK are going to be in this one Scottish hamlet known as Edinburgh. A tiny village. A little village of funny people. And thank you to all the Budpods who've been coming to our previews. We've both had lots of Budpods.

I've had some recently. Yes, yes, yes. My previews. And hopefully we'll see more Budpods at the yes hope to see all up there uh go see pierre yeah phil sold out so you can all go fuck yourself there's still some um extra show tickets left so have a look at those uh but yeah see both of us absolutely that's the whole point of this podcast yeah do come do come and see me and uh um if you know if you're not coming to the fringe but you know anyone even remotely near edinburgh just um say they have to come and

see me or you won't speak to them again any threats or intimidation we'd really like yeah we'd really like it if you threaten people yeah the more this can become like a scientology sort of like a really aggressive pr operation yeah uh with allegations of threats and intimidation etc. And do email in your most closely guarded secrets and most shameful memories with your name attached

Yes, purely for health reasons So that we can relieve you of those stresses Yes, with machines Okay, great. Okay, thank you. Talk to you from Scotland. See you in bagpipe country. Bleh!

Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!

I did my own fade out there.