BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 242 - Fragment Of Life

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

The lads talk assassins, art, movies, plot, hitman etc, featuring correspondence tat from Fergus and P the awful child Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 2 for 2! 2 for 2! Look at you! By which I mean look at me! I'm back! He's back! Wang is home again! Yeah, sorry to be away for so long. Felt like so long. But I was in Australia and New Zealand doing- Far from these shores. Literally as physically far away as you can get from these shores. And still encounter places called Dunedin. Yes.

But that's the empire for you. Yes, it's like Sheffield, Western Australia. In Sydney, I made a joke about the University of Newcastle. And it wasn't the Newcastle here. Oh. Yeah, there's a Newcastle in new south wales that everyone makes fun of oh that's that's where um that's where a lot of comedians are from yes i was gonna say reese nicholson sarah kendall and felicity ward i think are all from newcastle is it the glasgow

of scotland yeah it seems to be australia yeah it seems to be. It is funny. Everywhere has this town where all the comedians seem to come from. Yeah, weirdos who want to leave. Yes, I think that's it. I think that is it. And I think

that is a very important part of the mix that makes someone a comedian or makes someone want to be a star is that where they live has facilities,

has institutions, but you still want to go want to go out you want to leave that's why it's it's harder because if you're in melbourne you stay too nice it's too nice it's too full of other weirdos you can hang out yeah yeah um what was the most uh uh what was the the tiredest point you're a very tired man i think the tiredest point? You're a very tired man I think the tiredest point well unsurprisingly been the first day after I arrived from

the UK to New Zealand in Auckland so we you know straight in the deep end flew straight to Auckland which is what is it? how long? it's a layover? I think like airport to airport is 25 hours fuck off you must have smelt like balls man

oh i always smell like balls um and like it's one of those crazy arrive times where i got in at 3 a.m and and i'd already slept like eight hours or whatever on the plane very recently and like well you've just turned up and obviously i was awake on the plane earlier so like 11 p.m 12 a.m and then waited till 3 a.m to arrive and then i'm taken to the hotel and then i just laid down you know that sometimes when you have a flight like that and to be the jacked bag you try and do this little play we're like i'm lying in bed i'm sleeping now because it's dark i arrived at 4 a.m there'll be light in three hours but right now it is dark sleepy time and you just lie there

kind of doing this play pretending that yeah it's normal and it gets to seven o'clock and you do like the arm stretch out just another just a normal Waking up from being asleep. Yeah, exactly. Which I was. Just lying. Say that out loud in the mirror. Just nodding. Yeah. That was me.

Asleep. I was that guy who was asleep just now. That was pretty tough. But then there's a weird flight to Perth and back. Because it's three hour three hours behind the east coast but still the same country it's such a fucking big place most isolated city in the world that's all they ever talk about in perth perth uh yeah they like their own isolation very nice it looks like um if you built milton keynes in johannesburg. If you built Milton Keynes in Johannesburg, right. A lot of

Middle England red brick and brick high streets and English-looking designs of shops and stuff. Yeah. Surrounded by loads of brightly colored bungalows. Yes. Endless suburbs of brightly colored bungalows. But the landscape

is Joburg. Yes, right, exactly. The cities of Australia are all the same in that there's CBD, Central Business District, that's all shiny and glass and high buildings. And then immediately the first bar out is Wild West town. It literally looks like the Wild West, these two-story, three-story buildings. They're called Federation architecture there because it's from when they were a federation um here i guess you kind of call it colonial maybe but it's kind of like wild west new orleans style building you don't really get architecture like that here no i was somewhere the other day where i saw like

clapboard housing like clapboard housing And that means those like planks that are sort of laid over each other a bit. They're like at an angle. Yeah, Stephen King, Maine. Haunted houses from horror movies. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. From our youth. Yes, yes, yes, exactly that.

But thank you to everyone who came in Australia and Auckland. Got a couple of cogees. Oh, yeah, very good. A few cogees. Got some pod buds kojis. Oh, yeah, very good. Got a few kojis. Got some pod buds coming over and saying hi after the show. Thank you to all of them. Koji to you. Thank you for coming.

It was a wonderful time. Oh, and thank you so much to Glenn Moore, who did such a wonderful job doing Bud Pod in my stead. Substitute Phil. Substitute Phil. And what a substitute Phil. Yeah.

And he kept saying, do I need to get a wig? i'd put in my stead substitute phil substitute phil and what a substitute phil yeah and you know he he kept saying like how much you know do i need to get a wig do i should i wear glasses that are more like phil's i was listening to glenn's episodes going this guy is great man i hope the old guy never comes back we got a message well the twitter twitter we got a tweet saying like oh i feel like i'm cheating on phil this person was so extreme that she was like next time can there just be no bud pots when phil's away wow okay that's how uncomfortable i'm made by this like look we're very anti-extremist on this podcast in all senses yeah yeah and i think that is quite an extremist position that is extreme um but i and i appreciate that I was away for a while

And I do apologise, thank you for For not tracking me down And bashing me over the head Yeah What did I So what did I miss? Anything interesting happen? Just the usual

Usual well run country Oh but it's not well-run, in my opinion. Sweller Braverman? Yeah, she's gone now. Wow. Why is it always a good one? Very odd-looking lady. Odd-looking?

Yeah. Yes, very odd-looking lady. I know exactly what you mean. She looks like... She looks like she's leaning forwards all the time. Ah, very good. There's something also kind of admin studios about a face. Yeah, it wasn't grommet. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Artificial always forever

leaning. Yeah, every time I see him like your face is too close to the camera yeah what you want to say are you inspecting the lens or like she's leaning around the door you want to say come in you can come in so solar brevenman they got to her because their speech was too free they got to her those people from boats there was too much freedom in her speech the boat people got her the boat people got her at last. They leapt out of boats and dragged her in.

The deep state boat people got her. Yeah. She's perished. This is how messed up the migration system is here, Pierre, that people can illegally migrate here and then instantly join the deep state and get rid of top-tier politicians. Yeah.

I've seen a guy with a big um what they called sandwich board yep like wearing it you know why is it called the sandwich board by the way did they usually start to advertise sandwiches i guess because it's just like two slices it makes you are you the sandwich oh it in self is a sound itself is a sandwich right board and you're a sandwich oh because you're sandwiched by the boards i never even put that together i've just thought that now. Surely more like clam boards would be better. They're more clam-like.

Also, it's a person sandwich, not a... You know, you don't call it a bread sandwich. No, you don't. You don't. But a sandwich board, I suppose. They're not calling it a board sandwich. Yeah. That must be it.

Yeah, I mean, technically, it's a struggling actor sandwich. Yeah, I mean, technically, it's a struggling actor sandwich. Yeah, exactly. Well, I saw a guy wearing one of those on the beach. Ah. And it said, want to join the deep state? Okay. Scan this QR code to find out more. And he was there waving at the boats.

Oh, shit, really? Yeah, he was going, please, come oh shit really yeah he was completely calm quick we need more boat people which beach was this uh the one opposite calais right the one directly opposite calais yeah which is where they go probably yeah and he was very he was waving quick over here this is this is england really yeah know. What the hell? And then they took out Suella Braverman. Yeah. These people. Incredible. They did it.

They did it. All these Oxbridge educated civil servants and Albanian people smugglers working together at last. What a combo. What a highly effective dream team. Oh, you missed. Well, I what i was gonna say did you miss i have several friends who disagree with me on this i liked the new uh fast bender movie oh the killer uh-huh well i watched it only last night and i might have to join the opposing chorus i'm afraid i didn't really get it i didn't really get it i did it got five

stars in the guardian i think i astonishingly got five stars in the garden it's fun enough if i was watching it with my girlfriend and and she and she was like i was like do you think there's going to be a boy movie she's like this is for sure a boy movie and like it starts and he's just monologuing to himself about the life of the killer and she was like but this is payback for elvis yeah yeah this is only half the length of elvis yeah and at no point is there going to be a fucking kaleidoscope made out of bullets that swoops into his eye that swoops out his bum that swoops into a new scene um i i i think i went into watching it yeah do you watch

in the cinema no no no netflix but like psychologically i went into watching it knowing i don't know how or maybe i had an inkling that it wasn't like john wick yeah i knew it wasn't like john wick and it's fincher so i knew it would be meditative and strage right and i like that and i like almost i like the strangeness yeah and i it's based on a graphic novel that's like a satire of consumerism and stuff okay so there's never going to be a straight down the barrel action movie and a lot of the people who i know who didn't like it i think were like wanted the john wick part of their brain tickled sure sure and i thought there was a couple of John Wick-esque fight

scenes. It was sparse, but I thought they were effective. But at no point did he fight 70 masked Yakuza. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. I like that it was grounded. I like that element of it. It mostly looked very good. But, I don't know.

I just felt like every element of it i've seen before did you find it funny i found it very funny i didn't find it very funny no the scenes that made me laugh the most were where you overhear the the rich guy and his personal trainer oh yeah i couldn't quite make out what they were saying what oh he's like shouting in the changing rooms about like, the train is asking the guy for like Bitcoin advice. Oh, yeah. Well, I did like I really like movies that are really unashamed about incorporating modern technology, and like brands and like this is brand galore. I mean, Google Maps, Amazon. Yeah. With this we work behind a we work. yes. And I really like that.

I really don't like it when they shy away or they call things different things or the phone screen is like a made-up screen that says synthesizing or downloading and there's one giant bar. It's like, what, it takes up the whole screen? And it's a font you've never seen. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and you can see that it's been pasted over the image of some cardboard that they've made look like a phone. Yes, I really like they incorporated the modern world in Unashamed Wives. But that's part of the satire element, I think. Right, yes, yes. Like he's an assassin, but he still has to go to a fucking WeWork and just sit around.

Yeah. Yeah, I liked it. But to me, it felt like also the closest to a Hitman movie, even though they've been to hitman movies it was it was very hitman-y oh as in like the brand oh the brand hitman the character sorry yes agent 47 yeah uh yeah i thought i thought it was all right but i am yeah i wasn't totally one of i like the presentation i like the chapters in that. What would you have added? What would you want?

I think a different story. I've seen, maybe because I've played Hitman, I've seen the story of the assassin who goes on revenge and has to break his rules. Yeah, yeah. I just feel like I've seen that. I don't really know what I was looking for. I like those. I like those brutal.

I like movies that are very calm and then briefly extremely brutal and then they return to calmness. I like that about it. I think for me, any kind of... For me? For me? For me? Right now I'm thinking I need to stop even accidentally watching fucking American reality TV.

Cause I can feel it's making me dumb. It's like standing close to the second smoke. It's like standing next to the elephant's foot in Chernobyl. I can feel it. Elephant's foot. It's the big like magma that's poking through the door. It's a big lump of radioactive magma.'s like from the core oh shit it's there's there's only like one grainy photo of it it looks like a big elephant's foot horrible if you see if you basically if you see

it you're dead like you know it's just it's so radioactive that's what those shows are like for me it's like staring into an x-ray machine while it's been left on. For me, I just feel like I've seen so many assassin movies that for now, I know all the plots already anyway

of everything. Yeah, so now for you, it's all about presentation. It's all about presentation and manner of execution. I'm like a judge on MasterChef. presentation it's all about presentation and manner of execution i'm like a judge on masterchef yeah you're fucking um um come dancing let's go what's it called strictly come dancing i'm like come dancing let's go

i really hope you get to do it one day now i've always wanted to be on come dancing let's go it's been there sorry that's what it's called in malaysia it's translated into malay and i'm back again and it's called come dancing let's go yeah exactly or like i'm i'm greg wallace on masterchef you're not going to invent a type of pancake i haven't had yeah yeah it's just like this one this is still a pancake but now it's got lavender in you go what the killer does have that i love and i think this was sort of epitomized and done the most most well by uh the gillan gilligan verse of uh breaking bad then i would say even even better in better call saul of like the very mundane preparation steps to some great violent act yes yes and like I love I love shot love scenes where like a criminal or assassin has to go to a fucking home barn or you know a big

market and like and buy the stuff it's it's the chicken wire exactly like yeah right it's a home alone fucking thing and i'm like what is it going to do with all this stuff and a big bottle of malt liquor and like how's that going to come into it i love that i really love all that that's your engineer coming up right yeah and crafts you like crafts yeah i agree yeah or like um if you want to if you want to see a a kind of actiony movie hit manny but like still meditative and strange thing that does do things in a way i've not seen before except now i have seen them because i've seen it uh you were never really here with joaquin phoenix oh joaquin phoenix looking pretty chunky and and chabalino right yeah too still very like strong but like he looks like he lifted more weights than he's ever lifted

while eating more than he's ever eaten wow okay he's got that kind of slight strongman body right where he's got like gloopy pecs in the shape of pecs yes yes yes which is after my tour is kind of the body i have at best because i can still bench press a lot but i've got a lot of a lot of uh pudding between me and the in the air yeah what's what's an assassin movie i really like there's a great bit in you were never really here right at the start where he's just like wrapping up he i think he kills someone with a hammer but it's just like a b and q hammer oh great and he just wraps it up and disposes of it in a clever way and then just goes and

buys a new hammer from b and q and you're like oh god yeah i love that just constantly like a hammer per person my my main feeling from the killer was like oh the waste because he's always throwing things in the bin. He's smashing his phone. Yeah, once he uses that something, he has to throw it away. He wipes it clean and he throws it away. I'm like, oh, it's a lot of landfill. He's not a green killer.

It wouldn't be as good a satire of consumerism. He's eating McDonald's. But he's cutting people's lives short and they're consuming less. Yeah, but he's eating mcdonald's but he's cutting people's lives short and they're consuming less yeah but he's cutting them short um while they're doing consumery things the brute is going in a big souped-up car to a casino tilda swinton is ordering loads of small plates and not even eating them and drinking a bunch of really nice whiskey really quickly and not appreciating it right right okay there's all sorts of things that, like,

the more you look back at it, you go, oh, yeah, okay, okay. Yeah, I guess I could never really discern what his moral position was. If he was just a foil for the audience to... He's just a vessel. Yeah. This is my problem with hitman assassin movies in general yeah is that the story is always

um they start off doing the job as normal and something happens and they have to break all their normal procedures yes i want to watch a movie where it's just the procedures you just get a bit of the job yeah i want to see the job done really well yeah even like jason bourne great movie but it's about him having to escape the people he used to work for i want to see them work yeah we've got honestly like a good professional relationship between them and the agency and we never see the before yeah it's always like we've got to go rogue yes i don't know i just want to see you do carry it off well you know yeah i agree actually i but then i guess that would be more like um you'd watch an hour episode of that yeah because if it was just a movie then it'd be like but then

why are we how does it end you know i know and this is a problem because you need that arc you need that whatever the kurt vonnegut fucking story shape but what i want is even less of an arc in the sense that like i don't even care why they have to break all the rules. I'm happy with them. I don't like them breaking the rules. I want to see how they stay disciplined. I want to see the process. I'm so only interested in these things as abstract expressions, like haikus now.

These Hitman movies. Right. They're just like haikus now. I don't, you know. There's not enough space within them to get me to empathize with different characters and stuff. Well, this is it. It's too limited a form, and that's why I like it. Yeah.

I'm interested in haikus. So whenever they waste time being like, they've killed your dog, they've killed your wife, your long-lost brother got shot into the moon. I don't care. Yeah. I know why you're doing it. You're doing it so that normal people

watch this right yes and i'm not interested in that it's like if at the start of every film there was a scene where for no reason a priest walked in and turned to the camera and said don't worry everyone's going to go to heaven after they're dead right in this film and the audience went phew i don't need it i think it's i think it's patronizing and lame yeah this guy's an assassin am i supposed to believe that like oh he's an assassin but he still loves his dog or his wife you're like probably not yeah no i'd be more interested in a portrayal of someone who exactly at this point it'd be more of a surprise for them to have no morality not love anyone have no soft spot completely unsympathetic character yes i would find john wick more engaging

if the reason he did it wasn't because a he had a wife then the wife died the wife gave him a dog then they killed the dog now he's upset cut all that he's the most dangerous man in history apparently they just fucked up his house yeah they fucked up his car they messed with him yeah yeah yeah enough enough that's it yeah that's fine yeah he's crazy you can't be like he's normal he likes dogs too after you've seen him kill someone with a pencil yeah you go well he's not normal yeah i don't know why movies shy away so much from that. I don't know why they think people need this. Because people do. That's the depressing part that I don't like being reminded of. That's what makes Always Sunny in Philadelphia so unique.

It's saying these people are unsympathetic. They're just horrible. Ironically, that makes them less anxious to watch. I was talking to Glenn about my Frasier anxiety. It's because I like Frasier Crane. it's always sunny i can actually enjoy it more casually because it's edgier yes and they're all horrible they deserve the bad thing yeah i'm not sad when that happens either if anything i'd be more sad if they won yeah and even they're not really because it's funny the way they do it blah blah blah but yeah they like the number of times i've tried to pitch something where someone's been like well the main

character is a bit unsympathetic and i go so i know it's an interesting story who gives a shit also that's part of the human experience which is what art is meant to reflect yeah whereas like there's a lot of people out there and like my my younger sister is like this if she doesn't like the main character she can't watch it. Very odd. Yeah, I know. She just goes, I don't like them. I don't want them to win. So why am I watching? You just go, because it's a fragment of life.

It's a fragment of life. You're shouting, holding a box of popcorn in the cinema lobby. It's a fragment. I think that guy's shouting it's a fragment of life. Is he saying it's a fragment of life? Sorry, sir, are you saying it's a fragment of life. Is he saying it's a fragment of life? Sorry, sir, are you saying it's a fragment of life? Yeah. Oh, okay.

That is why, and I think this is why people, aka wankers like me, get into indie foreign movies, is that they don't have to ascribe to this. No, it's just like like and then the old died. You go, good. Yeah. It's also why I like movies like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood or... Three Billboards.

Three Billboards or Licorice Pizza. Yes, yes, yes. It just kind of goes on and on and on and on. And people, bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people and it just things happen because they happen. They happen because they happen and you're getting to have a little window into an interesting fragment of life that you would not otherwise have had yeah i like it it's like going on a walk around a neighborhood yeah you get to walk around the neighborhood and

go gosh look at that and i get frustrated sometimes you know i write you know some from time to time write a script and i get notes from it and those are always like oh well why did this happen i want to go because it did because things happen things just happen yeah and they don't always happen for reason but i understand you know if the only good argument apart from just appealing to wet people who need things to make sense for that is i i used to think that more i still think that but i used to think it more and what changed was that i realized watching something that i was um instinctively looking for reasons why things happened as a viewer yes yes yeah and so i do look for symbolism or in the same way that like people always say like oh why doesn't jason bourne you know james bond we never see him

going for like a shit yeah and it would be like because but the reason is because the audience would assume there was a reason for it right and even if there wasn't a plot reason for it they'd be like right we're supposed to know that he's like this he's bored or right or the way he would go for a shit would be important yes sat on the loo and he's he's straining he's unhealthy if he's got diarrhea he's unhealthy and we're supposed to know that or if he's staring in the middle distance he's like dead inside and we're supposed to know that but and also there's only so much time in the movie yeah yeah um dedicate but then i think that's part of the reason people are so into like the long you know long drama series is that you do get those moments you know you do get a moment of of um sol goodman just going to the bathroom and wiping up and you know you get a richer experience yeah and i think

people i think a lot of the people who we talk to about scripts not all of them but some of them are behind on that because they're still thinking like bbc2 sort of brain yeah whereas like our generation is so used to grittier long form stuff where it's like well then he got hit by a car yeah because that can happen to you who was driving the car a guy just a random guy it wasn't the villain it wasn't his brother it wasn't the kid from the first episode who you never see again yeah it was a guy in a car and things can happen that's why there's a great bit um in whiplash towards the end where he's just rushing and he just gets hit by a car yeah and it's just an accident there's

no significance to it it's just an accident um and it's like yes i'm i remember that moment forever rather the significance is that it's like well that is what life is like sometimes a car will just come at you that's what yeah and one of the reasons why i can't enjoy as much say mission impossibly sort of thing it's too neat everything means something everything everything means something everything is something else all the quips refer to things that we've seen yeah and everyone is like we've got to do it for friendship or for like because i love you susan And like, you met Susan a day ago. A day ago. Yeah, have you noticed in trailers for even action movies,

there's always a bit towards the end where there's a hard cut, a lot of different images from the movie. And there's always one where he's kissing a woman. There's always one. At the same spot of every trailer, there's him kissing a woman. You go, who is she? Why is this? The movie that finally broke me about this and i thought i'll never get the movie i want is no trailer for hitman i think the first hitman it's like at agent 47 kisses a lady he doesn't have he doesn't kiss

a single person in any of the games he expresses no no physical desire for any person he has no romantic relationships the whole point is that he's not attracted to anyone because he's like a weird lab clone and now he's kissing a lady you can't have it both ways you can't be like look at this terrifying robo killer and then be like inevitably he retires to a cabin with a dog with like a big jumper it's all like huger yeah yeah and it's like that's all he wanted really was to sit in his cabin and go get fuck it cannot be true yeah um i watched the sequel to extraction what's extraction is it chris hemsworth is the aussie chris isn't he oh right yeah yeah yeah

the first one he's being an action hero in like mumbai right and then there's a sequel now oh nice one i think it's quite good just like watching a video game okay it's like a level great there's a bit where he's on an armored train and helicopters attack and he just he just finds a gun emplacement to attack them with kind of thing. Awesome. It's a video game. It's a Call of Duty level. And you watch Chris Hemsworth complete Call of Duty as himself. But even that's not free from some stupid bullshit of like, because you're my nephew, that's why. Bullshit, stupid crap.

Really, really annoying. Because again, it's like, it adds nothing. I really think it adds nothing and movies like it's for the it's is it for wives sometimes i think that you know when i'm feeling particularly heteronormative i'm like is this like the one um the one saving grace for because the movie studios yeah the girlfriend who's been dragged it's because the movie studios are looking at it and going like at the moment we're losing 50 of revenue yeah because there's nothing there's no a bit where they why don't guys get that in return why why isn't there in sex in the city a bit with samantha just kicks a guy to death

why isn't there a bit in a rom-com where they have to fight off a helicopter with a gun emplacement yeah exactly there's a single bit when harry met sally where harry has to like pick a lock a helicopter with a gun emplacement. Yeah, exactly. There's a single bit when Harry met Sally where Harry has to, like, pick a lock upside down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not? On a time limit.

Yeah. Why isn't there a bit... I'm in for the fellas. Why isn't there a bit where Hugh Grant, which, to be fair, he'd be more likely to do with his career these days.

Yeah. Hugh Grant is making out with a lady who briefly stops making out with him and kills someone over his shoulder. Yes, exactly. And he goes, oh, why?

Oh, gosh, thank you. Thank you very much. I owe you one, I suppose. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is the attempt to create this film. Right, and it was horrible. Absolute dog shit. That's why it can't be done. It's like gravy on ice cream just go

it's not anything wrong with these two things that's that's why you can't be done can't be done they tried it mr and mrs smith the poopiest thing i've seen in a long time yeah really poop so maybe it actually is impossible but like a movie that just doesn't fall for this trap like mad max free road yeah it's a forever classic yeah because it just he does what it means to do it does what it does yeah and they didn't use cgi no cgi at all god i love that movie so much it makes me cry that movie it makes me cry because they use real machine so what was it what is it sing brother heckler sing brother cock as he's firing these Because they use real machines. Sing Brother Heckler, sing Brother Cock as he's firing these submachine guns into the dark, blindfolded.

I started crying. I was like, this is beautiful. This is so beautiful. And it doesn't mean anything more than it is. It's so lovely. Yeah, I mean, I'm not even against... I'm in favor of abstract symbolism fill your movie

with a weird code and let me try and unravel it but stop with this like and that was bad because they were nice it was bad or it wasn't I'll decide I'll be the judge of that yeah by the way The Killer is out on Netflix

yeah we've been sponsored today by Michael Fassbender who's a big fan Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, The Killer is out on Netflix. Yeah. We have been sponsored today by Michael Fassbender. He's a big fan, I'm sure. German-Irish. German-Irish. Yeah. Is he Northern Irish?

I'm not sure. Is he British? As in citizenship-wise? I don't know, you know. We'll figure it out. We should do some correspondence. You've been away. I've been away. I'm a heaving sack of letters.

Letters. Emails. Phone numbers. Your sister. To who do you find? Correspondence. A message from Fergus. Fergus.

Good strong name, Fergus. Fergus. Service. Your correspondence. Dear Buttpood. Buttpood. I was stopped at a traffic light the other day when I looked over and saw that the car next to me had a sticker

on its rear window I normally despise these tatty adornments so of course I had to see what it was instead of the usual stick figure version of their family or banal slogan I read perhaps the most aggressive tat I've ever seen

I will attach the photo I've managed to take and in case it's not clear I will perhaps the most aggressive tat I've ever seen. I will attach the photo I've managed to take. In case it's not clear, I will include the text. Awesome. If Phil can whisper this tat, it will prove his position as tat whisperer beyond a shadow of a dude. Okay, let's go. Let's try this.

No blank. We blank like real blank. Oh, shit. No blank. Oh, shit. No blank. I mean, the worst version of this I can think of is no condoms, we fuck like real men. Real men, you got? Real men, okay.

No blank. Oh, no indicator. No blank. We blank like real men. No blank. We blank. Drive like real men no blank we blank drive like real men no no it is car related it's on the back of the car no blank no sat nav no it's more toxic than that oh okay no automatic more toxic Okay. No automatic. More toxic. No music.

No color. More toxic. Wow. It's car-based. No muffler. No... You're going very niche. I'm just trying to think of cars. No hybrid.

No electric. More toxic. Wow, how do you get more toxic than that? To of cars. No hybrid. No electric. More toxic. Wow, how do you get more toxic than that? Toxic masculinity. No women. No, no, no. It's still car-based. No women is implied by the phrase, we blank like real men.

Oh, shit. But that's not necessarily relevant. No blank. We blank like real men. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. What do women have in their cars that men don't? Oh no, I'm not saying it's grounded in reality.

Okay. No pink? No. I'm finding this too hard. No pink we what like real men? We paint like real men. Okay, go on. Think toxic is it what are you supposed to strong strength physical strength yeah yeah yeah no training wheels no you're getting much closer with training wheels than you were with with muffler

no power steering no what this is the trouble with asking an engineer this question you're going into like actual innovations that make the active the active driving easier no insurance you're getting closer no power steering. We spin like real men. We turn the wheel loads like real men. So no insurance is closer.

No blank. We blank like real men. I thought you'd get this quite quickly. Wait, wait, wait. No, I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't I can't do it. No airbags we die like real man. Yeah. Also, there's a symbol above it that looks like something that would be in an action movie. I'm just gonna Google that.

But imagine like having a terrible crash and being saved only by the airbag and then going oh no the guys are gonna kill me oh no i'm gay because an airbag saved my life um sea shepherd is the sticker what does that mean sea shepherd like the brand is the sticker. What does that mean? Sea Shepherd, like the brand of the sticker? Yes. Sea Shepherd is just a lighthouse. Oh, it's just someone who protects dolphins or something. Ah. Sea Shepherd.

But why would you have a Sea Shepherd sticker? Is it a brand? No, it's not a brand. It's all saying we defend the... It's not like North Face. We defend the North Face of the mountain. What the hell is this? What is it, though?

Our critics began to label us as pirates. What is Sea Shepherd? And so Sea Shepherd is part of the sticker? No, no, no, no. It's just a sticker I saw above it. I was trying to see if it was like an army veteran or a fucking neo-Nazi badge or something. If I see a skull with two weird objects crossed under it, Phil, I'm googling it. Oh, there's a skull.

That's what I said. Skull with a trident and a shepherd's crook underneath. Gosh. Wow. It's a conservation society. There you go. Trying to look all tough, but it's still just save the whales. With a skull and crossbow.

Oh, because it's like piratey? Yeah. Right. Nice pirates. Fuck off. Yeah. Fuck off. Conservation is rad.

But he's against airbags. Pick a team. Pick a team pick a team but i mean that's so toxic toxic it has to be you know tongue-in-cheek kind of sarcastic yeah but then like why put it on you're obviously still hanging out with people who are like haha yeah imagine yeah if you're gonna do it do it right that's true be full mental or be full But is it airbags that at least for a while cause a lot of deaths? I thought there were seatbelts, they said. No, seatbelts is...

I think this is a joke in The Simpsons that Homer says, Lisa, seatbelts kill more people than they save. And Lisa goes, no, that's airbags. They suffocate kids if you put kids in the front. The seatbelts. Yeah, no, they're airbags. Oh, right, right, right. Because they can't't move their face But sometimes they can also break a neck

Because they go poof and push your head back But I guess it can't be much worse than Smacking straight into the seatbelts Than full on headbanging the glove box It's signed P This is from P P, a good letter to be it's signed P okay this is from P P

a good letter to be dear fisting and peen yeah I'm fisting I guess and I'm peen and together we're fisting and pain! So... Let's see.

I've recently begun the pod journey. I'm working at it Lady and the Tramp style and I don't remember which episodes are new or old. Physicians do not recommend. What does it mean, Lady and the Tramp style? From both ends, like spaghetti. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah right yeah yeah very good that's gonna really fuck up your head yeah that's terrible so like one in the beginning and one in the end and just constantly back and forth gosh like mementoing bud pod yeah yeah in jokes in reverse woof yeah that's fucked well good luck do you reckon you'll remember we will

will p remember it differently than someone who listened to it in in order yeah if they successfully piece pieces together of an in joke and back reference later on do you think your memory just puts it in order i I don't know, because if P figures out a joke without hearing it the first time, then when they do hear it the first time, it will be more like a callback than the original. That's true.

That's true. And they will have the wrong idea of what was said early on. What would P say about us? I'm hoping that I'm right in thinking poo stories are still wanted well wanted is um wanted is a strong word to use i think they're funny phil has his you've reacted to the poo stories a bit like um tim uh uh thingy when he has to become father christ. Tim Allen? Yeah. The Santa Claus? Yeah, you're like Tim Allen and the Santa Claus.

You're doing it, but you weren't looking for it to be Santa Claus. Also, we should make a comment on the revelation this week that Joe Lysett has started a specific poo story podcast. We've been tagged so much. People will be like, you're just going to stand

for this shit? People are really angry and want to know what our statement is on this. I can't believe it. Well, what are we going to do? I don't know. I don't know. What can we do to big Lysette? You can't fight City Hall.

What if we dress like a clown and shred 50,000 turds? Until Joe Lysette stops his new yeah yeah if he doesn't stop it we'll shred 50 000 turds yeah and if he stops it we'll donate them to charity thus incentivizing him to keep going morally yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we're coming for you lycett yeah joe and join us for bud pod's next pivot into being a specifically sort of rude art podcast yeah yeah yeah rude art and gardening podcast yeah fucking that's right that's right i've got a window box joe or i could you know what i have joe i've got a drawer full of acrylics you you take what we love we take what you love you do a poo story we do a gardening show you you make fun of someone's diarrhea we paint a 90s culture icon

in a gross way on our canvas using acrylic paint don't make us do it because we don't want to you stab one of our fans we put one of yours in the toilet we put them in the toilet yeah i don't know what we're gonna do all the best to him all the best to him yeah hi joe um we both know joe as well we should i think people underestimate how small a small uh how small the comedy world we both met Joe Lysett in 2011. He won the student comedian award that I won a year before I did. Yes, 2011. He did the closing

set in my competition in 2011. That's when I met him. 2010. That's when I met him. It was after the closing set. Yeah. When it was all said and done, he had long hair back then. He did have long hair. We remember, Joe. We remember the closing set. Yeah. When it was all said and done, he had long hair back then. He did have long hair. We remember, Joe.

We remember the real you. We remember the real you. Long hair. Before you're a big poopy man, we remember the non-poopy boy. Yeah, that's it. We remember the poopy boy. We sharted so that Joe Lycett could...

Have a solid dump. Yeah. We farted so he could shit.ett could have a solid dump. Yeah. We farted so he could shit. Yeah, we farted so he could shit. Yeah. Please. Actually, if you're listening, please comment under all of Joe's posts on Instagram. Budpod farted so that you could shit.

Please. Please. If he responds in any way, it would be good uh pr for bud it'd be great value yes bud pod farted so you could shit joe don't forget that don't forget that don't just wipe us away yeah okay that's this that's our bb king was it yeah yeah yeah we're poopoo we're poopoo king and he's smell this we're bb king we're bb king and he's smell this smell this yeah and he's uh he's like oh it's pretty funny where they're like that's great smell that you know we're encouraging yeah taking it to the masses but just don't forget us don't forget us please

oh sure i won't tell me about your poos so okay so this is this is quite a long one okay p um this is a story about other children's peas and poos When I was a child, seven question mark She doesn't know I thought you said seven question marks I was like, why is this person so unsure When I was a child When I was a child, seven question mark

I was not good I was not good I was not good Full stops in capital letters, not good. I was not good. Full stops in capital letters. Not good. I attended after school care with my very quiet, shy, soft-spoken friend that did not like me. Sounds like a tough child.

This is a fun picture you're painting, though. What's the name of this person? P. Oh, there's still P, of course. I had to do after school care with my quiet, shy, soft-spoken friend that did not like me. When she got back from Disneyland, she brought souvenirs for everyone but me.

Oof. Rough. Oh my god. We were the only two of our friend group in after school care that day. I cannot emphasize enough that I was annoying, loud, and mean. This person's really had a Damascene conversion at some point. Yeah. You've seen the error of their ways.

Roasting yourself. Got visited by three ghosts covered in shit. Not one adult or child enjoyed my thoughts or company. Wow, hey, take it easy. You're only a kid. You're already dead.

You're already dead. Because I sucked. That's the next bit. I had nothing to lose. This is zealotry of a convert wow yeah this is people in a

in a baptist church would be saying okay we forgive you I had nothing to lose I don't remember exactly how the idea came to be but I do remember convincing my oh so kind

and well behaved friend to join in the brilliant idea was to take advantage of all the stupid children around us and fuck over the staff all in one fell swoop. A secret goal I did not vocalize. Now we were only allowed to use,

now, now, we were only allowed to use the first floor bathrooms as it was after school and the second and third floors were not to be walked upon. If you remember when you were a child or even now, you do not question an out-of-order sign on a toilet stall. No. Absolutely not. The stall door remains closed. Too much to lose.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Very nice. Packed up 20 sheets of paper, and with the best colored markers in the bin, we wrote up a pile of out-of-order signs. Very nice. My friend at this point was very worried about getting in trouble. I do think I may have pressured her to continue. That was me. I was terrified of getting in trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. And look at us now. Recording a podcast.

We're talking about shit. I was happy to be in trouble and she was not happy. Eventually, we tucked the papers under our shirts as well as two rolls of scotch tape and very suspiciously giggled through asking to go to the bathroom. As you can guess, we taped an out-of-order sign onto every single stall in the girls' and boys' bathroom. We promptly went back to daycare and sat quietly, biding our time. This is a sophisticated prank for such small kids. Well, as we've learned, she was awful. Not good.

Yeah, terrible. Not good. Sucked. Slowly, the room of 10 to 15 children began to fidget vigorously. They would go to the bathroom, but they would come back seemingly unrelieved. Children had stopped sitting and were now standing uncomfortably near games they had abandoned. The whole classroom. This is very advanced. Eventually, one very small little boy waddled up to one of the supervisors, legs crossed, hands clasped around his crotch and explained that he needed to pee. She answered, obviously, to go to the bathroom.

And the boy replied, they are all out of order. When does that stop, by the way, the holding of your crotch and crossing just like grabbing your own dick when did i stop doing that it's such a brute force approach to not weeing can't be now when did i stop doing that last week if i do it'll go into my hands at least if i do like my dick will explode like a balloon of piss. First, my dick will pop. She was confused, the teacher, hearing this. They were all out of order. Shocked and curious.

I would like to take these last few sentences to set the scene as to what she walked into. I have a learning disability, and that's both in quotes. Okay. Learning in quotes and disability, and that's both in quotes. Okay. Learning in quotes and disability, separate quotes. Separate quotes, okay. So it may or may not be a disability, and it may or may not be anything to do with learning.

Right. Called dysgraphia, which is basically clinically bad penmanship. Like just, like handwriting so bad. Yeah. It's got a medical name. DCMS.

What's the book called? DSM. DSM. Throughout all my schooling, I've done at least 20 of those trace the letter books. The last time they gave me one, I was 12.

Wow. Wow. To this day, I have very messy writing and every time I write someone a note, I have to read it to them. What's this disorder called? Dysgraphia.

Dysgraphia. Dysgraphia. Nice. You're a dysgraph. Look at this writing. You? Dysgraphia. Dysgraphia. Nice. You're a dysgraph. Look at this writing. You're a dysgraph. It's a disgrace in Spain. Tú eres una dysgraphia.

No. No, me excusa. When I write people little letters, I give them the handwritten version as well as a typed up version. So as you can imagine, my penmanship at seven was bad. So to any

adult, the out-of-order signs were obviously written by a child using colored Crayola markers. There's not really a punchline to the story other than I think it's the best prank I've ever pulled. The staff immediately knew it was me and at no point disciplined my friend because it was known that if anything, any mischief occurred, I was to blame.

Because they sucked. I want to know if any kids exploded. i think maybe they got away with it is that letter dedicated to the exploded kids of peace school yeah yeah r.i.p all right poo all right that's a good that's really that's a good prank that's a good prank yeah almost worked you got yeah i think you yeah, I guess what would really have sealed the deal if someone just shat themselves in class. Yeah. But that's pretty good still, pretty good going. It's pretty good thinking for a bad child.

For a seven-year-old, yeah. An evil, horrible child. For a discraphic seven-year-old. For a discraphia like her. Yeah. Well, now it's time to go to the vip after school care okay classroom gosh of the patreon right okay yes um thank you very much for listening guys uh there are only a few tickets left i think for my leicester square theater show this thursday the 23rd yeah it's upon us i've been

promoting it relentlessly well tomorrow if you listen to this tomorrow fucking hell yeah tomorrow thursday the 23rd um in london so if you can come come if you listen to this. Tomorrow. Fucking hell, yeah. Tomorrow. Thursday, the 23rd. In London. So if you can come, come. If you can't, then don't. Further to that, similarly limited tickets for Christmas Bud Pod Live. Yeah, smelly crap, Merce. Literally a handful of tickets.

A lot of the time when a comedian says there's a handful of tickets, they're lying. There are plenty of tickets. But I mean it. There are a handful of tickets. It can only fit into your hand. Yeah, tickets. It can only fit into your hand. Yeah, you can only fit into your digital hands. That's on 15th of December. Yeah. At Bloomsbury Theatre.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Otherwise, talk to you all soon. It's good to be back. Bye. Bye.