BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 284 - Hogwarts Dubai & Rupert Gritt

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

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We also have a special guest for Bud Pod live. The hilarious Reese James is joining us. Old Reese, old Rej, old Rej, old Rej is coming. Star of Mock the Week. Many, many standup clips on Instagram. Many funny standup clips. Star of Twitter. Star of Twitter. So yeah, Reese is joining us. It's going to be a real fun time.

It's going to be a bit of a party. Enjoy Bud Pod Live with other Pod Buds. September 25th, Lester Square Theatre. It's Bud Pod 284. 284. Summer no more. Summer no more. Summer's gone at last, last. It's in the bloody past past it's nice and cold again once more that's right here in bird port 284 a little radio jingle that's good for when summers over in a

specific episode of our podcast. I'm so glad man it's currently it's been pissing it down today. The sun has took his hat off. Hip hip hip hooray. It's going to be a wet. It's going to something, something, something about the sun. And then now he's gone away. It's going to be a wet and gloomy day. No more sweating bollocks. No more writhing in bed. No more writhing in bed. No more getting angry and smacking myself in the head. Yay! It's autumn.

It's autumn. We're presuming. We're recording a little bit in advance, folks. So we're recording during a very end of summer day. So I had a look at the weather forecast and it's looking pretty wet. You know, you don't think we're going to get that weird Indian summer thing that happens in London sometimes where it's like, well, of course, it's almost Halloween. So it's going to be 22 degrees. Hopefully, hopefully not. That's the other thing that the weather's so fine now that you have to kind of earn a rest.

Yeah, you're like, well, we put up with that heat wave. So we've earned a decent, it's gambler's cool. Yeah, it's like gambler's fallacy. Yeah, right. I've lost that roulette. So I've got to win now soon because I've lost so much. But is it is it is are they completely independent? They're not completely independent events are they in weather? No, but then sometimes it being a really hot summer just means that even a much unusually hot winter. Sometimes it's just hot.

Yeah, or we just get some wind up from Africa. And I'll just ruin a week. Yeah, thanks wind from Africa. I blame the winds up from Africa. Gonna take some time to sweat in places never been. I hate trying to sleep under a sheet. I need pressure on my body. Yeah, I need it too So I'll be under a big fat duvet on a hot summer day Yeah, I've got better at it. He just is sneaking little feet out the bottom. It makes a difference But I need I need total coverage Psychological you have a single sheet

They're still not heavy enough. Generally a single sheet made of like with like, I don't know Embedded with balls of lead or something. Yeah. I've got a weighted blanket. I think you're sleeping in the chainmail. I'm in the chainmail. Yeah, that looked fast. I would love a chainmail sheet.

Chainmail blanket? Chainmail blanket. No one can slash attack me when they're in the night. Yeah. I want to start a competitor company to like Emma and Simba and all these. Yeah, my it's just called chain mail. You can order any size you want of chain mail sheets, chain mail sheets. They arrive in the mail. Yeah. Ah, yes. Chain mail and the logo is like a chain

like a single chain link in an envelope. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hands dropping a chain link into an envelope. Yes! Chain mail. I genuinely like, if you just put a thin sheet on either side of some chain mail that would, because I have a weighted blanket, but it's the least breathable thing in the world. It's the hottest thing in the world.

It's so warm. Like, if it was minus four degrees, I would be warm under that thing. I run hot anyway, but it's so dense. I'm genuinely considering this. Yeah, I guess I'm trained, Mel. In a sheet. How can you be genuinely considering this?

You can make, you're talking to a guy, I had two years... Two years. I had two guys who... One was in my year and the other one wasn't. During my degree, who had chainmail. Of course. They had it made. It's expensive. Yeah. Maybe the reason it's expensive is because they were making like an actual...

Like a cow bur or whatever of chainmail, like a vest of it, like a top. Maybe the expensive part is getting sleeves and collars done. Right. If I just had a sheet, maybe that would actually be the same kind of prize. And it sounds so sick, tossing and turning and like, all your dreams would be about medieval battles. Mine already are, of course. Every time you start dreaming, it's just a single, like, made-married figure in a white dress going, welcome, champion. It has been another day. Welcome back to the dream joust. Your opponent today is a guy from when you were at play school, from when you were six,

that you haven't thought about since, for some reason. You have to joust him. And his horse is still a horse, but it has the voice of your cousin. Enjoy. Yes, my lady. I've been having a real mare with the... I've been trying so many different... Well, two...

Well, many different configurations of mattress topper, no mattress topper, mattress protector. Some days I wake up, I'm not aching, some days I wake up and I'm aching. I don't even know what the science to this. It must be psychological. I must be tense on the nights when I'm waking up sore because when you wake up sore on your mid back, high like higher back. I think it's like you'll be like passed out asleep at like a bad shoulder angle, but too asleep to move. Like when you've passed out on a bus or a train

or on an airplane, you've slept, but you wake up and your neck is in agony. Yeah. I think it's shoulder positioning. It might be that, might be that. I think you should try just sleeping on the floor. Just see what happens. It is recommended for people with painful lower back just lying flat on the floor.

So it's real good for you. Really? Yeah. Like a monk. You're just kind of, it just kind of naturally, if your lower back eventually relaxes and just goes like that. I've never slept as well as when I shouldn't be sleeping, but I am sleeping somewhere and I'm wearing like jeans I know yeah, that's a bad sleep my secret plan. I'm gonna try and trick my body

Right. It's gonna be like 11 p.m. Bedtime time to be asleep and I'm gonna put on my jeans I'm gonna and Get in the front seat like a car and a shirt. Yeah, and I'll I'll be like, oh, I've got so much to do. I can't go to sleep now. Right? So my brain can hear. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. You trick yourself. You put on a pair of half moon glasses on the train. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll be like, I'll open like a word document and write new jokes on it and be like, I got to get this done. And one of those old timey calculators with the roll of paper in it.

Yeah. And I'll get a visor on and be like, lots of work. Got to do these joke numbers. And then I'll presumably have the most incredible sleep of my life in my bed. And I'll be wearing jeans and I'll be, I've tricked myself into thinking I have stuff to do. Yeah. Well, my, the heavy, the heaviest sleep I ever have is like passenger seat of a car. I can't sleep, I can't sleep anywhere except my bed and the passenger seat. Really? Yeah. I can't sleep anywhere except my bed and the passenger seat. Really?

Yeah. I've never had a good sleep in a car. Yeah. I'll do like the drooling. I never drool. Why do you never drool in your bed? I only drool when I'm having a nap. Yeah.

I'll wake up with this like fucking dog mouth. Just like. Why? What is it about sleep, not sleeping? Just left hand side of my face. Cold with drool. Yeah. Bar, just insane.

I sleep in a car the way that when in a movie someone has been drugged by assassins and they're being moved. Just like, going in and out. Okay. Like, there's a voice saying like, you know too much, you've got to come with us. Jason Bourne, you were part of the experiments. flashbacks can't tell what's a dream and what's not. It's a

kind of lab coat saying you were supposed to be my best one. Number 34. Hitting my head on the window to You have to go to Moscow. Moscow. They were innocent. That's how I sleep in the car. I can't believe you have a nice sleep in the car. But it has to be passenger seat. If I'm in the back seat.

If you're driving you can't do it. Terrible. You're driving you just can't nod off. Every time I try all these horns just go off. Back seat, in the back I can't sleep. It has to me front and passenger Really? Yeah, I don't know. I sent you a picture of what you were doing earlier, which is the recommended.

Earlier I was doing the recommended back thing by just lying in the lying in a corridor. You're lying. Yeah. Actually terrible picture of me. Love you to delete that, Felipe. Love you to delete that. I looked like a goth egg that's gone to bed. Because you're so big, whenever you lie on the floor, you look like in Gulliver's Travels when they've weighed him down with all the ropes. Yeah, I look like an etching. An etching designed to illustrate one of the early editions of

Gulliver's Travels. Actually revolting. I'm trying to think where I sleep best. Like, yeah, on a couch having a nap when I'm not supposed to. Yeah, it's because it's naughty. Yeah. Oh, it sure would be a shame if I got some rest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to fly back from Stagdo the other day on EasyJet it was some chairs on easy jet flights are smaller than others. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some where it's like they're older chairs in the back

or something or they're different. I don't know. But like I could barely wedge my fucking fat haunches into that thing. Genuinely like it was on the armrests. If they were a centimeter narrower, I'd have just had to say to the air stewardess, like, you gotta move me, or I'm just standing for this whole flight. It was that. It was crazy. It was nuts. And I'm already wedging my knees in and there's some fucking asshole in front of me going, why won't my chair go back?

And it's like, because my bones are in the way. Fucking lunatics. Stop it. EasyJet and Ryanair planes, it looked like they were designed. They just put like crash test dummies into seats and thought, oh well, they're not complaining. They fit. I guess this is the size of chair we need. The dummy fits. Yeah. Sure, we had to wedge it in with our shoulders a bit, but the dummy's in there. I'm getting it out. That's another problem. It's it's crazy to look at so many airline travel seats and they go, right. So if you're a historian, you'd be like,

these these seats, these planes, they date from a time where culturally, the only people who would fly would be grandmas. Thin short old grandmas and marathon runners were the only people who flew grandmas marathon runners, 12 year old gymnasts. These were the only people for flu. Grandmas, marathon runners, 12 year old gymnasts. These were the only people permitted socially to fly. Just think who's in these, sitting in these chairs. The headrests below my shoulder blades. I'm sitting in there like fucking Hagrid the whole flight.

Like I'm taking Harry Potter to a different boarding school in Singapore now. Like, like I'm taking Harry Potter to a different boarding school in Singapore now. They've shut down Hogwarts, Harry. There's only one school left that will teach wizarding children and it's Dubai. International Wizard College. Hogwarts, Dubai, a very dark, dubious place. You'd have a big like Arabian palace in Hogwarts Dubai. And they'd be like, of course here in Hogwarts Dubai, it's controversial, but we have a special type of person who does all the work in the magical school. And you go, all right elves.

And they go, no, just people from Bangladesh. And we mistreat them as way worse than you guys treat fucking Dobby. Hogwarts Dubai is like, we actually don't even, half the kids here are magical, they're just rich. Imagine. They've just paid like seven times the normal school fee. Hogwarts Dubai is 50 grand a term if you're magical. If you're not, it's a million pounds a year. So there's a lot of kids there. The children of the rich and powerful, they want to grow up being friends with

magical people. Yes, in magic it's not about the spells you know. It's the wizards you know. That would be great. I'd love a cynical thing. It's not about their spells, you know, it's a fucking wizards, you know, man. I could get a job at the Ministry of Magic too if I had famous parents. Fucking NAPO babies. Yeah, the only person asking the right question in Hogwarts is Hedwig. Who? Who? That's all that matters in this fucking... That's good. That's all that matters is who you know? Hedwig has the right idea. That's fucking... That's good stuff. I color me impressed. I genuinely... As a joke, I love that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like I saw a Lamborghini drive past. Wowee. Where are the other fucking wizard schools? There's Hogwarts for, I guess, the UK and Ireland. There's the French one where it's all women that they want to bang. Oh yeah. And there's the frightening Bulgarian one. I forgot the sexy one.

I forgot there were other countries ones. There's like, there's like sexy maid college that they all come and visit. And then the ones where it's all angry men with big unibrow is from Bulgaria. Oh yeah. Very odd spread of educational coverage. Yes, it's sort of UK wizards. French maid wizards and scary Eastern European... Yeah, French wizards are all female. Eastern European wizards are all bald, hairy, teens. They were described the way that they would describe like weight lifters.

Like, like, it says on the document they're 17. Felipe found some other schools, but this is from the post books universe. There are 11 great schools. Where was this introduced? Because these are not from the original books. Is it if it's from fan fiction, I'm throwing you out the window. No, but this is all from the Fabulous Beasts and How to Eat Them or whatever the fuck that thing is. Oh no, I forgot about that.

Or the Extended Universe shit. Yeah. Where they're just constantly papering over gaps that are just part of fantasy and that's fine. What was the other schools, Felipe? Felipe's... Oh, the other wizard schools. So apparently these are from... these are J.K. Rowling, Canon, Hogwarts... Oh, the other wizard schools. No, I know it's all canon because it's all from the Fantastic Beasts fucking expansion pack or whatever. Okay, so there's Hogwarts in the UK. That's the sexiest sexy French one.

Beau Paton? Beau Baton. Beau Baton. It's in beautiful sticks. It's French for lovely pins. Beaubaton. Beaubaton. Is in beautiful sticks. Ah. Located somewhere in the Pyrenees. It's French for lovely pins. Lovely pins. In the Pyrenees.

I guess that covers Spain. Durmstrang. Which is the... Durmstrang. Durmstrang. Durmstrang. Is that German? Located somewhere far in the far north of Europe.

Far north of Europe. Trying not to make it Russia. Fine. Okay. Vladimir Putin. Looks like Voldemort. Not in of Europe. Trying not to make it Russia. Fine. Vladimir Putin looks like Voldemort. Not in the films. Mahuto Koro. Mahuto Koro? Is that the Japanese one? Yeah. Nice. Mahuto Koro in Japan. Japanese wizards. Situated on the volcanic island of Minami, Iwo Jima. Iwo Jima. Iwo Jima. There's a wizard school in Iwo Jima, busy in World War II.

The US Marine Corps having to smash through flamethrowers and none of the wizards would surrender. So they had to get melted with flamethrowers. The largest is in Uganda. Interesting. Of course,

often overlooked emerging wizard economy, Uganda. Yes, the Bricks wizards. Brazil. Oh, there you go. Bricks wizards. What are the Bricks countries again? Brazil, Russia, India, China, and the S's South Africa trying to keep up. Okay.

There's the US one, which I think we need about. That's American. I didn't know about the American one. What's the American one called? That's from Fantastic Beasts. That's from Fantastic Beasts. Castle. Oh, no.

Copy of Castle. They're not allowed then. Ilvermorny. Ilvermorny? Sounds Scottish. OK. Where's that? Massachusetts.

Yeah, it has to be like New England. Well, that makes sense. It has to be like, that's fun. Like Harvard. That's fun. Harry Potter. Who'd have thought you'd come all the way to New England? The ball stand needs to be like near Salem, right? Oh yeah. I assume that was a connection. We don't like to talk about that. We've moved on. Yeah. That's just a varsity rivalry that went on.

Buffy, Dash, do you have your wands? It's like all the wizards in America are like the bad guys from Animal House, just like with turtlenecks and like yachting jumpers, yachting blazers. I like this international wizard world. They should make like a gritty, violent version of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gritty Harry Potter. I'd be a pretty gritty.

Gritty Potter? Gritty Rupert Grit. Harry Gritter? Starring Rupert Grit. Rupert Grit. Rupert Grit. What if they wanted to try and save his character, they go, yeah, yeah, everyone else had a happy ending.

He, however, ended up with a job on the murder squad. He had a pretty horrifying life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, everyone else had a happy ending. He, however, ended up with a job on the murder squad. He had a pretty horrifying life. Yeah. Yeah, heavy smoking. After Hogwarts, his life kind of went into down spin. Yeah, make it like Sin City. Yeah.

Like horrific, really horrible. Apparently Rupert Grint was spotted on the street when they were casting Harry Potter. He's like- A ginger kid. Get him. Yeah, I mean, there can't be many. No, I wanna be a doctor! You're going to be a wizard you little freak! Barrel him into a van! You're going to be in the biggest movie franchise ever! And then nothing again! You're going to be in one more film that is one of those films where I was talking about

this the other day, if I'm in a cinema and the trailers come up and it's like the British I was talking about this the other day, if I'm in a cinema and the trailers come up and it's like, the British Film Council, I just immediately go, oh, because I know it's going to be a bunch of fucking old actors from Shakespearean 1980s productions, trying to save a community center from Charles Dance through the power of knitting soup for minors. It's going to be the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. It's going to be filmed worst piece of shit I've ever seen. Yeah, they'll be like, it's going to be filmed in the most dismal, easy to film in part of the Northwest. There'll be just be a full ounce of colonial era style Indian man who's there

to help everyone along. Oh, you're thinking of the, the, the lovely flower hotel. Best marigold hotel. Yuck. Yuck. Oh yuck! Yuck! The trailers for that, I just, I've never, I was more frightened than any of the trailers for like Long Legs or like any orphan based horrors. I see those trailers. They're wild. Jim Broadbent's in there of course. Jim Broadbent's in there by decree of the king. One of the old lady ones.

Judy Dench. Judy Dench might be in there. But they can only ever have about two or three of that level. Yeah, then they run out of budgets. Then they run out of budget. And then it's filled in by a lot of people where you go, wait a minute, wait a minute. And you go, hang on. And you go on your phone and you go, wait, that was the... They were the dad in that naughty sitcom.

That level. Maggie Smith. She's fucking raking it in from the British film council or whoever keeps funding these things. And then there'll be a young South Asian British actor. That's the only minority that these films are comfortable with. Because they're sort of...

Yeah, Debatel's star. He's all moved on. And now there's a new generation of young British Indian actors. Who placate that old school taste. It would be a heartwarming movie about Michael Caine teaching a young South Asian actor from London the bagpipes. It'd be a Highland village where someone's played the bagpipes on St Swithin's day, every day for a million years. And the last bagpiper is dying, and his own grandson is ungrateful and modern, and won't

come back to the village to learn the pipes. And he's sad and he's alone, Michael Caine, and he's doing a Scottish accent. And he has to teach whoever the new version of Death Patel is how to play the pipes. It's like a heartwarming story of respect, love and respect through the generations. Yeah. Tradition. Moving and beautiful, Tatler. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Couldn't stop watching The People's Friend. Oh, no. What's that? It's a magazine for pensioners. Oh, gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Odd. I can't believe my own grandson doesn't

want to learn the backpipes. And he'll be there going, don't worry. Don't worry, Scottish Michael Caine, as they support tea and laugh together. Yeah, yeah, it's gross stuff. There's lots of laughing in the trailer and there's lots of hugging on doorsteps. And there's lots of Maggie Smith going, oh, Maggie Smith walking on a scene in which two men are compromised. And it isn't what it looks like. Oh, sorry, I'll

come back later. This summer. Gracious. Now everyone in the village will think we're gay. Because you were trying to take that teapot out from between my legs. Yeah, there'll be a lot of that fucking humor. Everyone's in jumpers, everyone's dressed like it's the 30s, even though it's not. Yeah, and it's all about old wine to English people discovering that maybe age is just a number. I just the second I see one of those trailers, my heart sinks. And you know what? I'd be lucky to be in one.

Are you kidding? You crush it. I'd be lucky to be in one. Are you kidding? You crash it. I'd be lucky to be in one. I'm not saying that I'm above them. I just would never watch one. Yes. Um, you, you, there's a scene where you go into Jim Broadbent's bedroom at the hotel and you go, um, sir, uh, Miss Dublavil, she's, well she's waiting for you in the pool. And you go, and, and she's, and Maggie Smith is stuck in a swimming ring

in a rubber ring a little help, please When you said you wanted me to give you a ring, yes Yeah, I just heard that if if you like it you should have put a ring on it It's like a pop culture reference from 10 years ago. Yeah, I know. Can you feel that? Can you feel that, buddy?

I can feel you put an ice cube down my collar. But Rupert Grint was in one of them. Can you see which one Rupert Grint was in? Oh, that's right. He was definitely in one of these fucking things. The last ice cream van of Plymouth or something. Yes. Yeah.

Some of those space pants or whatever. Oh, no, not that one. Yeah, farty pants. That'll be some romance clone. Listen, you'll hate this. Read out the synopsis of Thunder Pants to Phil. I want to torture him back for what he's done to me the last five minutes. I watched Thunder Pants. Thunder Pants, okay.

Yeah. No, no. So it's a summary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thunder Pants is a 2002 family comedy film about a boy who's in incredible capacity for flatulence. Thunder Pants is about a boy with incredible flatulence. Yeah. Get him a job as an astronaut. He farts so much that they use it to send him to space. He farts himself to space.

I love this idea. You'd hate that. This doesn't seem very cutesy. This seems like a kind of weird, it sounds like Swiss Army man, which Daniel Radcliffe was actually great in Rupert Grint. Yeah Stephen Fry Rupert Grint my friend Stephen Fry's Paul Giamatti Yes, he's America's Jim Broadbent. Yeah. Yes. Yes. That's a great shout. He's he sort of like they're Jim Brom and mixed with Toby Jones Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I agree with that

Felipe what was, what was the what was the twee one Rupert Grint was in? He definitely was in one. That doesn't sound too twee. That sounds kind of like- Well, no, it was just dumb. Dumb, okay, yeah. Thunder Pants, I think I remember Thunder Pants. Driving lessons. Yeah. Driving lessons. Cherry bomb. Cherry bomb. Driving lessons. The plot focuses on the relationship between a shy teenage boy and an aging, eccentric actress. Yes! The plot centers on a shy teenage boy and an aging...

Eccentric actress. Eccentric, aging! There's another aging, eccentric actress from Harry Potter films. It's an eccentric age. Miriam Margulies. From Harry Potter films. Oh, it's not Maggie Smith. It's the one, what's her face? With the dark hair and Bob no. Emma Thompson? No. Older. Yeah, it could be one of the really old ones. Ah, Suzy, Suzy, Suzy, Suzy. It's Rupert Grint's Harry Potter's Characters Mom. Harry Potter's Characters Mom.

Oh, I don't know her name. What's her name? Julie Walters. Julie Walters? That's the one I can never remember. Julie Walters. If Judy Dench is busy, Julie Walters, come on in. He's our second down the phone list.

Grint's had a pretty twee post-Harry Potter career. Yeah. He's got a sweet face, so I guess that's what's going to happen. And that's the only fucking... This seems to be the only money for British-made films. Maybe it's because he can't do accents. I mean, I refuse to watch Escape from Pretoria because my sister tried and said Radcliffe's South African accent was a fucking nightmare. But he can do American. Yes, he can. He's great. Have you seen Swiss Army Man? It's by the Daniels who made everything everywhere all at once. It's one of the A24 sleeper hits. Yeah. That's it. And it's about

Paul Dano finding a dead body in the jungle and using and the dead bodies down right cliff Yeah, it's a perfect part for his acting style Paul Dano would be a great person to follow through the jungle because his incredibly wide face would just clear the brush Ahead of you like a like a guy holding a huge shield and he has the second they send the helicopter search helicopter up Paul well, there he is just fucking huge face moving through the jungle Paul look at the sky and I'll shine the torch on your face

It'll bounce off your giant moon face and go up into the sky like a searchlight and they'll find us And he'd use his incredible acting ability to make it seem like we belonged with any tribes we've stumbled across in the Amazon and Then we Daniel Radclff plays a farting dead body that Paul Dana can hear the voice of. Yes, yes. He's watching. Pathetic annoyances. Yeah, pathetic annoyances. What's your pathetic annoyance?

This is a pathetic annoyance that I think I've had it for my whole life. And I've only just sort of realized I have it so consistently. I cannot fucking stand it when someone asks me about what I'm eating or what I ate. Oh, so if you're having dinner with someone they go, is that good? I'm so it irritates me so really stop it. That's between me and the plate.

I like that question. I like to talk about I don't I wouldn't mind is that good? Because I can just say yes to that and then we can move on. But if someone goes, how is it? What's your food like? Don't make me fucking analyze this. My mouth's doing that. So you find it distracts from the experience. It distracts. I find describing it to someone else takes a lot of effort for me. And it feels like they're just giving me a job. Wow. OK, that's interesting.

Because in general, I find conversation a lot more draining than you do. But I quite like that question. I don't mind talking about that. I would rather someone said to me, ask me some kind of in-depth historical question. Then are those beans nice? Because that annoys me.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Because I want to know, why are you asking me? Because they're noisy. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Because I want to know like, were you asking me because you want some? Did you want to order them? What's going on here? Yeah, it is. Why are we talking about this? Yeah, it does. It does raise the question.

What are you going to do with this information? Why do you want to know about this? Did you want to know if you've chosen the right meal at the restaurant? Yeah. And also I don't like that little thing people do where they kind of slightly raise their bum cheeks up. Oh, right. And appear down. And they go, fuck off, stop looking at it.

Like there's an invisible fence on the table. Like there's a little tennis net. Looking over at you. That eyes. So they go, oh, what have you got there? Yeah. I just want to go, fuck off. My instinct, my internal monologue is going, fuck off. stop looking at my plate. It's none of your business.

You know what's an annoying thing? A thing I do that I know is annoying but I keep doing it is I go, is that nice? And they go, yeah, really nice. You want to try some? And I go, no. I say that because I was like, no, I don't want any fucking food.

But you ask people if their food's nice? No, but I say no if they said you want to try some. Yeah, right. I might ask if it's an easy answer, I don't mind if someone's like, how's the steak? Yeah, good. Yeah, okay. Like, oh, so if it's a question like, did they do this correctly? Yeah, it's about like, what did they do? Is it what you wanted? Yeah. Why is the other person's food always colder than mine? You ever do this? We try some of their food and it's always colder than yours. It's always colder. Why is it always colder than yours?

Just the sheer distance it's traveling. Just in that, across the table, it's moving through this invisible ice barrier. This is my other, I don't know if it's actually is universal bit of food observation when you were a kid and you went over to a friend's house for dinner, did they always have glass plates? Did they always serve food on a glass plate? The comedian Adam Hess had a bit about other families' plates. Always being weird. They always did have some weird fucking plates. In Malaysia, their mom would bring over the food

and it always been a fucking glass plate. And I go, Oh, where are we getting glass plates? I don't like the idea of a glass. It must have been a got a kind of Baloo trend at the time was glass plates. I don't like, I also don't like saying what I ate. The other day, my girlfriend said she got home late from work and said, Have you eaten? I said, Yeah. She said, What did you eat? I said, I knew business. I think it's because like I always I've got such food issues in general. Yeah, that's true. I know that what I've eaten is mental. Really? Yeah. I know when I how mental does get your food habits, your food requirements come down to mostly like, this can't touch that or no baked beans.

No, but like, I've eaten like, I mean mental like in an unhealthy way. Oh, that's too much. Or just a mad decision I've made. I've just gone mad and I've just had a sort of insane salad that I've made up. Okay, yeah. And I don't want to have to explain... Describe it. I don't want to have to explain it in the same way that I don't want to have to explain

decisions that I made in a panic. It's not to be judged. It's not to be judged as though I planned it and this is my favorite actually and this is who I am. So like for you it's equivalent to someone asking, so how did you get off the Titanic? Yeah, I don't know. I just kind of ran and like look I impersonated a woman. Yeah, I want to say, look, I got off. That's all. That's all that matters. You leave that to me and God. I grabbed a child and kicked its mother overboard and I said this, please. I hid under a big petticoat. No, your business. Yeah.

Cause I don't want to have to explain the incredibly unhealthy and insane meal I made for myself. Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to have to explain the incredibly unhealthy and insane meal I made for myself. Fair enough, yeah. I don't want to have to say I had a five egg omelette at 11 p.m. because I lost control of my life. Because I know it's weird. Yeah, sure. So I resent saying like at 11 o'clock I had a massive omelette and they go, you have an omelette at 11? I want to go, I know. I already think about it the way you do.

It's just that I did it. I didn't have a defense prepared for this. I did it knowing it was wrong. I agree with you. I knew it was wrong to run over that person. I did it deliberately knowing it was wrong. That's a crazy thing to do. Yes, it is.

That's why I don't like talking about it. I don't want to talk about my fucking mad meal choices. It just feels like it's private. I don't know why I've got some anxiety or stress associated with it. Like people are going to come touch my food or want some. Leave me be. When I'm eating, I'm like a weird animal. So you shouldn't interrupt in feeding time. Are you a little ashamed about your eating habits? Definitely. Yeah. Right. So that's what it is?

You feel like people are... That's what I mean. I know it's mental. Right. Okay. I know I'm wrong. Even when you're eating a meal in front of someone, in that vicinity of you and your meal, there's some shame attached to it?

There might be. And I don't want them to inform me of that through their questioning. You don't want to discover a new source of shame around eating. I don't want to have to go through the effort of justifying myself. Sure. Did you have two sides?

Yeah, fuck off, yes. Stop commenting on what I'm eating. Yeah. I don't want a narrator for this. Sure. It's also, it's boring. Yeah, it is kind of like asking about a dream. That there was more there was a carrot and two cucumbers. I've got more time for that. Because

they can see the answer. With it. Oh, with food that you it's in front of them as much as it is in front of me. That's true. Do you get a steak? No. What does it look like I ordered? Those chips? Yeah. What do you, what else do you want to know about them? I like chips. Yummy. Yeah, the chips. Chips always yummy. Are the chips good? No, somehow. What do you fucking think? Sometimes in order to avoid asking questions about food, I say no to things I want from waitresses.

Wow. Okay. Do you want any sauces with your chips? When they've been asking too many questions, I just go, no, because I want them so not to be standing next to me or slightly behind me anymore. That would be faster to turn the fuck off. That's not good. I know it's not good.

Do you want any sauces? No, please just go. Please just leave me alone. that it would be faster to turn the fuck off. That's not good. I know it's not good. Do you want any sauces? No, please just go. Please just leave me alone. There's a connection here with the coffee questions. I think you have a problem with questions about things that are going in your mouth. I want to be left alone to my own devices as much as possible.

I would like to go have a steak and fries in a Trappist monastery where no one's allowed to talk. I hate to be an armchair psychiatrist here, but this clearly has issues with food and your history with food. There's a lot of shame around food. I know this already. People are prodding. I know this already. That's why I don't like having to explain it.

You're doing what annoys me about it. People go, you're weird about food. They go, I know, I'm the me. But you're giving a sort of logical reasons for why you'd hate questions about the food. But really it's, I'm naked in here. Yeah. Is someone in here?

That's what you should say when someone asks about your food. Is someone in here? That's true. It's like someone hammering on a toilet door. That's exactly it. I'm just eating. That would be a funny thing to say through a toilet door. That's exactly it. I'm just eating. There'll be a funny thing to say to a toilet door. Knock, knock,

knock. I'm just eating. I'm just finishing my food. Does someone eat? Is the other is a spinach nice? There's someone in here. Someone in here. Just a second. And the flush is your gulp of the moofoo. Yeah. It's the same sound. Quickly wash my hands in the water, jug for the table. And I go, how can I help you?

Sorry about that. I just got caught short there enjoying my meal. Hey, fair enough. I will never ask you about food again. And I'll never ask you about food again, PotBud, because I can't. No. Unless we meet. Thank you for being PotBuds. We are now off to the exclusive restaurant. Restaurant. Have we done a restaurant? Yeah, we must have done a restaurant. I don't remember. We've done a tavern. I don't either. Yeah. Well I don't have them. Yeah, well, it's silent restaurant, the exclusive restaurant for patrons to visit

us on Friday. Everyone else watch peer special on YouTube. Watch my special on Netflix Wang in their baby available worldwide by Piers book and come to Bud Pod live September 25th in London Lester Square Theatre. Yeah. Remember to prod your bud, PodBuds. Be a PodBud who prods buds, okay? If you share the podcast on your Instagram stories or Twitter or whatever, or if you send us screenshots of you recommending it to people or sending people fun little clips

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Prostitize, please. We must expand. Bye bye. Love you. Bye.