BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 288 - Was Phil involved in the Will Smith slap?!

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Was Phil involved in the Will Smith slap?! Some spicy tea might be spilled on today's episode folks! Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's episode 288. 288. You hate... Oh, god damn it. Okay, so wait, wait, wait. Okay, now I've got to try and fix my headphones. So this is exactly what me and Phil were talking about before we started recording, listeners, is that we've both got these headphones where, in order to be really clever, some fucking asshole engineer has decided

that I did it as you do it. Someone's someone's decided that these have to have a feature where and they don't tell you that it has this feature really unless you read the manual, which of course I don't because I, I thought I knew how headphones worked. When you start talking, the headphone robot woman, the robot woman that lives in your headphones goes, and basically turns off the music, turns off the noise cancelling so that you can have a conversation. In their head, they're imagining that you're in the movie Blade Runner, and you're walking

around listening to the Blade Runner era podcast about the rest is replicants. You're listening to the rest is replicants, we're two replicants discuss what it's like to be a robot slave designed to mine. Not only does it turn off the sound in your headphones or mute or like soften it a lot, it heightens the microphone to take in all your ambient noise. So if you're walking down the street and you say something, instead of hearing a nice calming song, it'll go boogadoong, and then you'll hear very loud.

And on the tube, it'll start going. Because it's just picking up any and all ambient noise. What they're imagining is that you're listening to the rest as replicants, and you're walking through a Blade Runner Chinese market, Japanese market, and you suddenly spot some cool robot toy you want and you go, Oh, excuse me, and it goes doodle and lets you have a conversation. And it's a lovely idea, but it's fucking stupid in real life. And it's never going to work because what happens is it turns on without you wanting to turn it on, that genuinely with no pattern. And you'll be on the tube

listening to music and you'll cough. Or you just go and it'll go and turn off all your music and let you hear everyone else's breathing and farting and fucking HD. Yeah, so this week's rhyme 288 is you hate Kate and Kate is the lady that lives in I do hate do hate Kate. The headphone woman. I really, really don't like. I don't like what she does for me. She never does anything good for me.

I learned from you, Phil, that if I want to tell my headphones to not do stupid shit that I didn't tell it to do, I have to download an app on my phone and log into my headphones. And it's just so fucking dumb. I still, even and log into my headphones. And it's just, it's so fucking dumb. I still, even though I love my headphones, you have to call your headphones, email my own headphones and say, sorry, sorry to bother you. Hope you're well headphones. Just reaching out to confirm whether or not you could stop fucking turning off at random. Cause you think I'm trying to talk to a guy selling oranges in a market stall. It's it's well you just told me the shortcut you learned that I now know which is to press on the touch panel press two fingers until it goes speak to

chat deactivated until Kate says speak to chat activated. Now this is probably quite a handy tip to say on a podcast because I think a lot of people have these headphones which are the Sony WMX 3400 225 XMT4s. They should have come up with a catchier name for them I think. I've used these headphones for seven years now and I still don't know what they're called. Call them Kate phones. The Kate phones. The Kate phones. Every pair of headphones has a different Kate in them. Yeah. But these are extremely popular headphones.

They're very good. Their battery life is incredible. Noise cancelling is great. The phone calling not so good. And the speak to chat thing is extremely good. You say the battery life is good, Phil, but in an attempt to trick us into downloading the app, the headphones used to turn off if you didn't use them for like a minute, and now they just stay on or even turn themselves on in your pocket until they run out of battery.

So a good battery life is no use if they just stay alive waiting to be connected for eight hours. A good battery life is no use alongside a bad battery culture, Pierre. And these headphones have a bad battery culture. They have a bad user culture. I didn't buy noise-cancelling headphones so that I could interrupt my music to talk to people. I don't think you've understood your market.

Yes, I don't understand that at all. But this is how I feel about multiplayer games. I didn't buy video games to interact with people. No, but some people like multiplayer games. I play multiplayer games to triumph over other people or attempt to. I don't want to talk to them. I just want to beat them. Okay. Because if you do enough multiplayer against a human peeing, Like I if you do enough multiplayer against a human peeing You get sick of the whole thing of like well I can just beat the computer because I've just learned that if I as long as I do a forwards role when it does its Overarm attack I can I can just kill it. So I'll just do that

Yeah, or even with something like Skyrim you just go well, I've got maximum stealth and maximum bow and arrow So I'm essentially just like a super invisible sniper and I can just go through the whole game doing that. So whatever. Yeah, I get you. But yes, but the headphones I have, thanks for this tip. I have sorted it. I have silenced Kate. Sorry. Sorry, Kate. But I've been put back in place. You're the worst, Kate. Which is inside the headphones. In my headphones. The quiet room in headphones. In my headphones.

The quiet room in headphones. Well, we're on headphones because you are on the road, Pierre. You're on tour. I am. You're in a travelodge. The dream is alive. It's true. I couldn't check into my hotel room for a while, Phil.

So I had to sit in the lobby having lots of refillable coffee. So naturally I feel insane because I have something that I think I'm just from now on going to refer to as pig brain. I have a brain and so if the lady says to me, oh, I've once I give you the mug, you can just have as many coffees as you want. I'm just I'm just having four coffees. I just am. Because I can. Because they're free. Is it pig brain? Oh, you're right. Yeah, okay. That's money brain though. That's like, that's dad money brain. That's filling up your plate at the buffet so tall that it becomes a structural hazard. Yeah, it's partially that. But it's also just, it's just if it's free, if it's free, I'm

having it. I just, I can't. It's some combination of thrifty gluttony. I don't really know what else to call it. I've inherited that from my dad for sure. If there's anything ever free, my dad would be like, good, take some, take some, take some, take some, take some. And so now I feel if there's something free and I'm not taking it, I'm letting my dad

down. I gotta get some as much free stuff as possible. Letting the whole school down. But then I don't know, I don't think my parents were particularly like that. I think it's pig brain in my case. I think it's just this idea of like, it's in the same way that like, if you're a comedian and you go to a gig at a club and the club doesn't pay loads but they do give you free food.

Like the free food is so powerful to me even though I know it's only costing them 10 quid and if they'd said we're going to increase your fee by 10 quid I'd have gone it should be more than that you should be increasing it by more than that but if they just go do you want a free burger and chips? Wow it's just like peasant brain, pig brain fucking. It is peasant brain. It's fucking zombie apocalypse brain. If I'm offered a free meal, I'm like, okay, good. Instead of going, what's the monetary equivalent of that? I go, okay, good. Tonight I don't need to worry about where my food is coming from. Tonight I shall have a full

belly. One less worry for the wasteland. That's honestly how I feel. I don't need to sacrifice any of my own hens from my sparse flock. I will feast at the King's table this night. No need to dig any turnips from the frozen earth, Maria. The King's turnips shall nourish our children. It's bartering brain. It's fucking pre-coinage economy brain.

If I was given like a little pile of fabrics for a gig, I'd be like, yes, good. Just some linens or textiles. Textiles, good. I can exchange these for oil and wine. Ingot of iron. Yes. Kilogram block of iron. Very good. Very good. Pierre, speaking of electronic, electric voices, I decided I would treat myself to a new Siri

voice last night. voice says, I decided I would treat myself to a new Siri voice last night. And do you know what options come standard on a British UK iPhone? Do you know what comes standard? What do you got? British, American, Irish, okay. Indian. But like Indian accent. Indian accent English. Yeah. Really? Australian.

And? And you want to guess number six? Like French? Like a South African. You're kidding. Fuck off. South African. You can have South African Siri.

I can have Siri. Are you serious? South African. You can have South African Siri. I can have Siri. You can have a South African saying, I don't know what to do about that now. Yeah, South African. I went with Australian man because I think that's funny to have an Australian male Siri. So my Siri is now an Australian guy. That's really funny. I nearly went South African. You'd never have an Australian male, like Butler. It wouldn't make sense to the human eye and ear.

I sampled Indian. I was like, Oh, it might be fun to have Indian. And then he said hello in an Indian accent. I thought, no, this, no, I can't, I can't, I can never talk to Syria in public now. This is people going to get the wrong idea. This would be so funny if someone didn't know, if someone didn't know that was an option and they just heard your phone responding to you in an Indian accent or at least what the people who make iPhones

think is an Indian accent. I don't know. Is it accurate or did you just hear hello and go, ah, can't do that shit? Oh, it's accurate. I mean, it'll be for the very large English speaking Indian market, presumably. I guess. I would never have thought that even my fellow transplanted South Africans would give enough of a shit to want to want Siri to sound like that. I wonder who they got to do it. I

wonder how they possibly... I wonder if we can find it. Could you could you hear if it was voices? South African Siri? Who voices South African Siri? Who voices Siri? You've got to roll the R. There's a Reddit post here. Is there anyone really using the South African Siri voice? I cannot believe that you can get that. That's absolutely mad. Oh, here we hey Siri, meet the real people behind Apple's voice assistant. I just think it's kind of an old.

I wonder if they'll get into shit because they have what kind of South African they chose because there's no one, you know, there's 11 national languages, maybe 12 by now. So I'm assuming they went for a kind of pretty soft English speaking South African accent. I would love it if they went for a really... Let's see if I can play them here. I would love it if they went for a really thick Afrikaans accent. Just like... Every time you say, hey Siri, just goes, what do you want?

What's it? What's it? What you want? Okay, here we go. So this is what I've got now. I don't know if you can hear. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use.

Did you get that? Choose the voice you'd like me to use. It's very soft Australian. That's nice. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use. That's British. I mean, he's...

I didn't realize how servile and unctuous the British Siri was until right playing him right after the Australian. He sounds like fucking Wormtongue after the Australian. Hello, sir. Please. I like that. Hang on. The British one is like I want to the the British one is like having the the fucking robot from the alien movies, you know Hello, I think you'll find that the creature represents the peak of evolution. No, sir. No lock the alien away. No This is american pretty standard. Hi, I'm siri choose the voice you'd like me to use

Yeah, it sounds like the same guy is British. Slightly eerily crisp diction for an American, I think. Just still a bit unsettling. Indian is here. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use. Oh, I like that. It's stronger and weaker than I thought it could have been.

I know they're all sort of, well, you're gonna hear weak. This is Irish. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use. Is that Irish? That is a very well-traveled, air-lingus male steward. Hello, I'm Siri. I'm from Ireland, but it's been quite a while

since I've been back there. Okay. You live in California. Okay. Yeah, I'd love a Northern Irish Siri. Yeah, that'd be fun. I'm sorry. What do you want? What is it? I've set that reminder for you. Get out. Get out of the house. Your deliveries arrive and get out of the house. Okay. And this is South African. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use.

I mean, that's... I don't really hear it until use. Use. Use. Yeah. I mean, if it was really South African. Hi, I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like... Hi, it was really South African. I'm Siri. Choose the voice you'd like me to use.

That's female South African. That's very soft. That's not even there. I mean, if they're going to do it, they need to say lark. Choose the voice you'd like me to use. Choose the voice you'd lark me to use. Yes, that's true. Yeah.

It's very soft. It sounds like it is the softest possible version of every accent. It's like, it's like those flavored waters. There's like a little bit of a Yes, that's true. Yeah. It's very soft. It sounds like it is the softest possible version of every accent. It's like those flavored waters. There's like a drop of orange in a liter of water. It's like someone got... It's summer fruits volvic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone got the robot and they got someone with that accent to just lick the robot's mouth just a little bit. And that's how much of the accent is there. Apart from the Australian, I think the Australian one is very soft, but I think the Aussie and the Indian ones are the least soft. That's true. Exactly. Yeah, that's why I've gone for Australian.

Yeah, I think it's I like the idea of having an Aussie butler in like a TV show or a movie where it's like Jeeves, like he's dressed like Jeeves, but he's incredibly Australian. Like he's very like blonde and sort of massive. Yeah, that's fine. Like he's a real- We need our first Australian, we need our first Australian Alfred. Alfredo Bruce? Alfredo Pennyworth.

He calls him Bruce. He calls him fucking Bruce. How did we miss that? He's not even called Bruce Wayne. It's just what Ozzy Alfred calls him. Ozzy Alfie. Yeah, like 30 years into their relationship, Batman's like, or my name isn't Bruce Wayne. Your name's Bruce?

What else, sir? What a coincidence. Would you like me to warm up the Bat-Mo? Yeah, he calls all his gadgets the Batty, and obviously he doesn't know which one that refers to. Alfred, that could be anything. Throw the Batty at him and then turn on the Batty and call him the batty and obviously he doesn't know which one that refers to. Alfred, that could be anything. You know, the baddie, throw the batty at him and then turn on the baddie and call in the baddie. Alfred, you're lucky there aren't any Jamaicans in Gotham or they'd be extremely confused

and maybe offended by what you're talking about. Yeah, how's the Alfred? Yeah, he calls Robin baddie boy. There's baddie boy. Baddie boy's here. Alfred, you can't call him that. Alfred, I know you're from Australia, but come on. That's how you find out that Alfred is a real bogan, like he's a real kind of toxic. Oh no! No! Oh no! Yeah, when his parents are killed in the alley.

Alfred, mom and dad were killed today in an alley. Oh no! Oh fuck! Oh fuck, this is fucked. Oh shit house. That's bloody shit house, mate. What kind of fucking dog can't does that? Alfred in a singlet. The big long vest with the long back on it. Yeah, I like this. I think Aussie Batman would be great.

Coming down to the Batcave with a six pack of Melbourne Bitters on the silver tray. And there's Victoria Bitters in it. Victoria Bitters, yeah. Melbourne Bitters would be some fucking hipster version of it. Yeah. Oh man, I like Aussie Batman. Aussie Alfred. But also Aussie Batman would just be it's Mad Max, isn't it? Like a big car roaring along people in weird armor. There's a DC character who's kind of Australian Batman. But I mean, he's not like cool and dark

and brooding. He has a boomerang. Is he called boomerang? There is a character called boomerang who dies. He's in the suicide squad. Yeah, yeah. He dies quite quickly in a very funny way. Yeah, right. Terrible film. Whichever one is the one with Michael... The first one. Sina.

The Sina one is good. Michael Sina? John Sina. I'm talking shit. John Sina is in the second one. And that's Michael Sarah I'm getting confused with. What a mixture of them. Michael Sarah, yeah. He's the second one. Michael Cera I'm getting confused with. What a mixture of them. Michael Cera, very different men.

Now, the second Suicide Squad, and this is how bad DC are at the universe, that I can't remember if the bad one is the Suicide Squad or Suicide Squad. Yeah. They could have called it something different. But it is so good. It is the closest that DC will ever get to its own Avengers movie. It's sick, yeah. It's sick. It's so good.

And the first one is maybe the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Genuinely unsettling for people of our generation to watch a movie that bad that does have Will Smith in it. If you grew up when we did. Get Will Smith out of that, out of your fucking movie. That's what we were saying. Get our Will Smith out of your fucking movie.

We're from the Will Smith generation where he was the top grossing star. Now it's Dwayne The Rock Johnson. But for the longest time, what 15 years, it was Will Smith by a long, long way. Well I've got footage of Will Smith laughing at my joke, Pierre. Yes, that's true. I wrote a joke for Amy Schumer at the Oscars where the slap happened. The joke was about King Richard, the movie about the Williams

sisters' coach father. And the joke was, after years of Hollywood ignoring women stories this year, we finally got a movie about the incredible Williams sisters dad And then I think and then it cuts to a shot of Will Smith and he's laughing like ah Uh, that's my joke, but who knew who knew phil that deep who knew what was to come deep within that laugh If that joke had happened a bit later on, then maybe Amy Schumer would have had to get into some sort of fist fight with Will Smith. Or Pierre, or he was actually hurt by that joke, but up to that point had enough reserves

in him, enough energy to carry out the polite facade of laughing at it. But it took away the last amount of patience he had that night. And the next time his dignity was challenged by Chris Rock, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Perhaps had my joke not been told, he would have had the energy reserves to withstand Chris Rock's joke about his wife. What do you think? I think that's right. I think he had... Did I cause the slap? I think you get an assist like in football. You pass the ball to Chris Rock and then he did it. It does count. They've started statistically realizing how valuable players are who do assists.

And I think, yeah, it definitely used up the last of his chuckle juice He had some chuckle juice left over. He was you know, it's clearly a very sensitive man and an odd man and He was thinking okay will your Will Smith. You're the chuckling man. You're always mr. Good humor Let's try despite my recent life problems, let's do this. It's the Oscars, for God's sake. Bring our A-game. Isn't that an interesting thought, Phil, that all the actors in the audience at the Oscars are still acting? They're still performing.

That's why these gigs of hosting the Oscars and hosting the Golden Globes, people don't want. The comedians say they got asked. It's a hard time for these show producers to find comedians to host because it's a tough gig because actors are not there to laugh. It's a corporate basically. It's the world's most televised corporate. And everyone is there putting on a face. And every single actor there is like...

Even if they're not nominated, they're there. This place, this ceremony, what's happening here, is the pinnacle of the dreams of all of my dreams. It's like as if there was an Everest on top of Mount Everest, and it's Olympus. Mount Everest and it's Olympus. And here you are, Gervais, trying to make me laugh at a joke that could lose me a $10 million studio deal. Well, it's not happening. I'm not laughing at the fucking age gap joke because I've actually got something in development with that studio. You know? And if the camera cuts to me, hooting and slapping my thigh, I'm fucking dead. I'm fucking dead. You're gonna find me with an Oscar up my ass dead tomorrow morning. I mean, the stars, the big big stars aren't just actors, they're producers. They're

big part of whether or not a movie gets made. Yeah. If you're filmed, laughing at DiCaprio, you know, you could count against you, right? It could. Yeah. It could. I guess I have to look over. Maybe that's why they cut to the butt of the joke first. And is that on the big screen? And everyone can see on the screen. Yeah, people can see on the screen, oh, he's laughing. Great. Now I can laugh. It's like a highly advanced version. Yeah, we're like a highly advanced version of like Versailles. Oh, yes. You make a joke. Yeah, you make a joke about the Duke of Burgundy and everyone goes, the Duke of

Burgundy. You know, he's midway through cutting into a pig's head or something. And he just looks up and goes, and there's a pause and then he goes, he just starts laughing and like pounding the table with his fist, and waggling his knife. And everyone goes, and then that's fine. It's happy time. Whereas if he like didn't, if he didn't look up, everyone would go, oh fucking hell, shit, oh God. And then whatever minor count had made the joke would find himself not invited to the next fabulous masquerade, Philip. The Court of the Sun King. And that's literally all they had to live for in those days.

There's literally nothing else to do. Me and a friend of the pod and excellent comedian, etc, etc. Glenn Moore, and sometimes replacement Phil Wang, Glenn Moore. Yes. And this is very childish and it's a little anti-decolonizing, but we used to, we've learned, I'm sure we wouldn't laugh at this now, maybe, but we used to laugh at the idea that you see these illustrations of the balls at Versailles, by which I mean the parties, not people's nutties. And the sheer balls of Versailles. And there's all these people wearing a dress that's made out of a mile of silk and jewels and wigs and splendor and just the sheer incredible art and richness of it.

And they're all... And they're having a lovely time and like the France at the time, the biggest army in the world, just the concentration of power and richness. And at the same time in this incredible hall of mirrors and gold, at some point, they'd have to go, if you would excuse me, Monsignor, a doodle-doodle-doo with a fan, and then they would have to go do the worst shit anyone's ever done in like a wooden box. With candlelight, by candlelight. At best.

Worse than a music festival toilet. Yeah, worse than the worst fucking Portaloo at a festival. And you'd be in there and you're like priceless costume. And you'd have fucking worms and everything you ate would either be lamb or marzipan. I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's right. Oh, man. Just a nightmare. And there's so much fabric as well. So many layers to get off. So many folds for shit to get stuck in.

Heavy. Sweaty and heavy. Flaps and lace. All white. And the second you're not wearing a hundred layers, it's fucking freezing. I mean, it's always cold. The past was so shit. It was so shit, Phil. Do you think people in the future look back at us now and go, how did they live? I think they will, yeah. How did they live with their cars spewing out black toxic gas all the time around them? They were just breathing this stuff, walking around to the cities? People would just walk with their kids next to a pipe coming out of an explosion machine

that was belching poison into the child's face and they'd just be like, time for school. Yeah, I think they will. Also the noise. Also the cars were hurtling right by the young families. And the only thing stopping the car from hurtling into the young family was a person holding a wheel inside the car. A person who was anyone. Anyone, basically.

I do think also that the traffic noise, I tried to do a joke in my show this year about the traffic noise thing, how in the future, because all electric vehicles are almost silent. So you can have a house overlooking a major 70 lane highway with electric vehicles and it wouldn't really it would just it wouldn't be as loud as living by the sea, you know. But because of the way vehicles are designed now, even just living near quite a busy double-lane normal street is can be a fucking nightmare just constant. Like, and I was trying to explain to the audience how insane it was the level of noise pollution we put up with just

because we're used to it. Yeah. But they didn't get it because the example I chose was some how much patience for people have had for horses if every time you were riding a horse, the horse was going, just constantly doing that. Horse, I'm a horse, horsing up and down the street. Horse, I'm a horse, horsing up and down the street. And they're like, a major street was just sort of 70 horses going, do ba ba ba, ah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just constant fucking, until you sort of parked them in

a stable and then they went, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh. And then they would just stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think people just looked at me like I was fucking insane. I just had no idea what I was. It is funny those kinds of new material you try. And you go either this is the next great observational

stand up routine. Yeah. Or everyone goes, Oh, everyone's gonna look at me like I need to be taken away by the NHS. The NHS has to come on stage and take me off and fix whatever has happened. Well, speaking of people reacting with disgust and bafflement, it's time for some it's it's time to do some tat, Phil. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess. I like two things, pals and Prosecco. And I'm all out of pals. One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco. If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Cat attack!

Phil, I was in a cafe today in Newcastle filled with hundreds of cushions with British Bulldogs and Union Jackson. Oh dear. Yeah. And I poured... There must be a lot of tats in that. Yeah. I poured out my little milk, my little milky man into my coffee. I thought I'd have a coffee. No, like in a like a little mini milk bottle. Oh, yes. Yeah. And right to the bottom was a tiny piece of glass. What in the bottle of bottom of the bottle. So I caught the glass in my teeth, like a leaf of me. Oh, no. And I said to the lady, I said, there was some glass in my milk. So I think something's broken in your dishwasher. And she went, oh, no.

And just went away and took it away. That was the end of that. Oh, no. Just more steps to the side. Why I? Can I take your order? Someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, glass in theing the milk or no. And then that was it. I was like, okay.

Didn't offer you any money back or anything. Not a fucking thing. Not a fucking crazy. Mad. Anyway, that's crazy. Anyway, this is some lovely tat from Pete. Pete. Always replete with tat is our Pete. Dear Saint-Pierre et Michelon and Philippe, South Dakota. Ah. I thought it was Pierre, South Dakota.

Maybe it's Philippe, South Dakota. Maybe it's Philip, South Dakota. There is a place called Pierre that's a regional capital in the US. Philip city in South Dakota. No shit. Okay. So Pete says I often drive through calendar on my way to and from the highlands. It's about Kalan. Cool. And it's often the only place to stop for food on the way to and from the highlands. It's called Calan. Cool. And it's often the only place to stop for food on the way back after working up an appetite doing

outdoors shit. Okay, so you drive up to the highlands and you hike around and then this is the one option. Unfortunately, said appetite is ruined by the wall to wall tat posters Unfortunately, said appetite is ruined by the wall to wall tat posters in the chip shop window. The owner is exactly as confusing as the mixture of slightly racist, aggressive and strange tat. Enjoy. Oh, yes. I'm so excited.

I love slightly aggressive tat. It looks like so these are a lot of tat fill in it looks like it's all been printed off by the owner on big sheets of a four. Oh, no. And just and no just stuck in the window with blue tech as almost like a kind of wallpapering effect. Oh, yeah, it's quite unsettling as a a for window tat. Oh, and there's a lot of it. I mean, it

is like, you know, when they kind of cover windows with newspaper when a business is sort of shut down, or derelict. Yeah, yeah, it's got a bit slightly that aspect to it. And so there's a lot of... Why do they do that? Does any natural light even get in after they do that? The tat blocks out the light, Phil. It's a beautiful metaphor. So here are some that Felipe has highlighted. Here are some that Felipe has highlighted. Okay, this is all text, Phil, this one.

See if you can whisper this. It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the blank the rest of your life. It is better to have loved and lost than to live with the blank for the rest of your life. Yes, blank the rest of your life. Than to have lived with the bitch for the rest of your life. You're so close. It's a non-gendered negative term. The live, non-gendered negative, dickhead, asshole, prick. No, it's not a swearing term.

It's more to do with cuckoo lala in the brain. Oh, lunatic. Psycho, it's psycho. But you've got the spirit of it immediately. And for some reason, psycho is written in that kind of military stencil font. Apologies for shouting bitch at Pierre there. But I was so sure that this would have been like an excessively aggressive boomer, sexist mantat.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's still the window of a shop though. It's never going to go too mental. But these smaller British towns are where things can get crazy. I mean, we've seen racist dolls in the windows of British shops in small towns. Yes. Yes, that is true. There are no rules when it comes to any town with less than,

what, 50,000 inhabitants. It just, anything goes out the window. Yeah. Or on the window. Anything goes on the window. So I'm too sexy for my blank. That's how come it isn't there. I'm too sexy for my blank. That's how that's that's so just say well that's why it isn't there. Yeah, then it's the funny thing about TAT is that it always so laboriously structured.

I'm too sexy for my bank. That's how come it isn't there. I'm too sexy for my six pack. No, no, that's good though. That would work. That's how come it isn't there. I'm too sexy for my God. This is like Norty's atheist tat. That's why it isn't there.

That's really upset me. That's had the same effect on me as when you walk past an open drain. Just ugh. Yuck. I'm too sexy for my god. That's how come it isn't that yuck. Yeah God I'm too sexy for my now. What are you proud isn't there? I'm too sexy for my girlfriend That's why something too sexy for my partner. No, but it's still it. It is in there. Yeah, I Would as a very oh I'm too sexy for my hair. Yes. Oh, you've nailed it. I'm too sexy for my hair. That's how come it isn't there. And what I like is that the rhymes do the

word there is in all capitals. lots of rhymes to the word there is an all capitals. I do sexy for my hair. That's why it isn't there. Happy. Have I explained myself to you? I explained my baldness to you. Yeah, I like the anger hiding behind the humor there. Let's see. Oh, God, there's some really weird ones. There's some very long ones.

Like, there's some ones that are stuck in the window that are like massive blocks of text that are exactly the content of those emails that would be like, forward, forward, re re re, forward, forward, re funny, forward, forward, re re re, hilarious email, forward, forward, re re re forward forward re funny forward forward re re re hilarious email forward forward re re re you know. A lecturer asked his class, what is the, what is the most powerful person on earth and a boy stood up and he said this and he walks out of the room and then he became the new professor. Yeah. And the next time the class came in, he was the professor. And the old professor had, the old professor had, was going, was in hospital because he was going to die unless he got a kidney transplant. And you know who gave him the kidney? That boy.

Yeah. So what do you think about that? A4. Five P.T. font size. Or fucking massive and like colored in for some reason, like color text on a Comic Sans email. Like formatted to be printed out and put up in a church youth group. Yeah. Okay, so let's see. This one is, if you whisper this one, you need to be sectioned. So I'm sure you're aware, Phil, of the serenity prayer? No. Lord, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, or that?

Oh, yes. That whole thing. Change the things I cannot accept, all that sort of thing, yeah. It's the whole thing about, yeah, wisdom to accept the things you cannot change, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so this is a parody of that, it's safe to say. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to blank the blanks of the people I may have to blank because they piss me off. Fucking hell. And there is the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I think so. Yeah. One right. So can you do the final one for me again? And wisdom to. Did I blank out the right stuff here? Wisdom to blank the blanks of the people I may have to blank because they they piss me off.

I can't do all blanks. Wisdom to ignore the opinions. No, no wisdom. Wisdom to blank because they piss me off. I can't do all blanks. Wisdom to ignore the opinions? No, no. Wisdom to blank the... No, no, no. Okay. It's sillier than that. Sillier than... Sillier than ignore the opinions. It makes the poem very... It makes the prayer stupid. It makes it silly. and like not good.

To fight the dummies, to kick the assholes, to... and how's the rest go? Wisdom to blank the blanks of the people I may have to blank because they piss me off. Blank the blanks of the people I may have to blank because they piss me off. Yeah. May have to kill? Yeah. Nice. Okay.

May have to kill. Blank the blanks. Ah, and the wisdom to avoid the ghosts of the people I kill because they piss me off. I was really expecting that to be right. Avoid the ghosts. That's funny. That's great. Well, I murdered Stephen, but just I hope I'm wise enough to avoid his ghost.

Here are the headlines. Blanks, the blanks of the people. I murdered Stephen. Ghosts are real. Stephen is a ghost now. I know where he is. Hopefully I'm wise enough to not go there. That's the universe you've just created. Oh, and the wisdom to bury the bodies of the people.

Hide the bodies. You got it. Ooh, you got it. You got it. The least serene serenity prayer in the fucking history of the world. Pretty aggressive for a chip shop window. Pretty aggressive. Some of them are mildly sexually unsettling. There's a lot of-

Oh, it's actually the fish. The fish have to kill. That'd be funny. Hide the bodies of the fish have to kill. That'd be funny. Yeah. The bodies of the fish have to kill. If it themed it, yeah. I've hidden them in all this batter. A lot of clip art here, Phil. A lot of clip art.

Including clip art old enough to look like the boys are stupid throw rocks at their mirror. Pencil cases and t-shirts, if you remember that. Sort of purple Ronnie style illustrations. Purple Ronnie? Maybe you came to the UK too late. That shit. I hadn't yet got here. Oh, I'm looking this up now. Purple Ronnie.

Look at my webcam. Yeah, horrible. Oh, horrible. Can you see it on my camera? Yeah, I can see it. It's kind of stick men basically. Yeah, stick man meets clip art. I think I would be very wary of meeting this chip shop owner. I think as I came

into the shop, I would think, I would think to myself, look, the plan is to just try and leave with your chips. You know, I don't want to start talking to the guy about why I'm there. That was the problem, Phil. That's why I ended up drinking some milk with some glass in. It's because the bit of Newcastle I'm staying the night in has got no chain coffee shops at all. None.

Not a Costum, not a Starbucks, not a Nero. Nothing. It's just got like a place that had a queue out the door because they actually made nice poached eggs from what I could see on the internet. And then across the road, the place where I drank a load of glass. We don't have any coffee shops, but we do have a delicious glass cafe. Would you like a glass of milk? A glass of coffee. Sure. With glass.

What? I'll just bring it to you. Don't worry. You'll see. You want a glass and milk? So you mean a glass of milk? Do you want a glass of milk? So you mean a glass of milk? Do you want a glass and milk? Can I have a glass of milk?

Glass and milk coming right up. Don't worry, we'll bring it to your table. Okay. So that was a glass of milk, right? Yep, a glass of milk. Yeah, yeah, glass of milk, right? Yep, a glass of milk. Yeah, yeah, glass of milk. Okay, let's do this final diet because we're running out of time. Oh, yeah, okay.

Glass of milk. Notice this department requires no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise. Jumping blank blank, flying... When I say blank in this, Phil, I think you already know what this is, but I'm just going to say blank for a whole bunch of words. Just imagine there's like two or three when I say blank. Okay.

Notice this department requires no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping blank, flying blank, climbing blank, dodging blank and pushing blank. Okay, so it's jumping through hoops. You're so close. It's more negative than that. Because jumping through hoops is an annoying thing to do, but at least it implies diligence on the part of the doer. The person doing each activity is implied to be thick or wrong or... Oh, okay. Jump, oh gosh, I was very certain about jumping through hoops.

I thought it'd be like office humor. It is very much office humor, but it's sort of personally, it's a personal indictment. Jumping... Oh, it's a personal indictment. Jumping. Oh, I'll give you a clue. Jumping to. Jumping to. Jumping to high.

No, no, no. Jumping. You might say to someone. Jumping to conclusions. Yes. Oh, you got it. Okay. Okay. So somebody to conclusions. Okay, okay. So jumping to conclusions. So it's jumping to everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying blank, climbing

blank, dodging blank and pushing blank. Is it flying blind? No, it's another kind of temperament based one. Oh, flying, flying off solo flying off flying. blind? No, it's another kind of temperament based one. Flying, flying off solo flying off flying, flying off fumes flying off the reservation flying off, flying off the reservation is close to the kind of flying off on tangents flying off the Flying off on tangents. Flying off the blank. Flying off the map. Flying off the handle. Okay, okay. Climbing blank blank. Climbing the greasy pole. No, that would be good. Climbing the corporate ladder.

This is weird. Climbing the walls as in going mad. Oh, yeah. I'm thinking two sort of corporates and actually less of. It seems to be about the fact that everyone this person works with is mentally unwell or incredibly stressed or incredibly disagreeable. It's quite strange. Yeah.

Dodging blank. One word. Dodging the wife. One word. Dodging looks. Dodging responsibility. Yes. Bang on. Perfect. Yes. And pushing blank blank. And pushing my buttons. That would be good. That would be better than this. This is pushing their luck. Pushing their luck. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought I had those. That's tough. It's, um, it's a very strange poster because it just sort of seems to imply. Why would the department have a physical fitness program? That doesn't make sense. Where do you work? Yeah, that's very sort of 1950s or like modern China. Yeah.

Like 1950s America. That's like fallout America or something. Yeah. Report for departmental exercise. Is it also a problem in an office where people go, God, you know, I hate my, I hate my colleagues. Why? Well, they're always jumping to conclusions. You go, what about what? It sounds like they're getting things done though.

I mean, a lot of the time, there's a dithering that's the most damaging in the corporate environment. Yeah. So having someone to make a decision is actually quite, can be quite valuable. Jumping to conclusions means that they'd, at least they're engaging with the, you know. They just needed something for jumping. So they go jumping to conclusions, you go flying off the handle, right? So that's just a rage problem. Climbing the walls, okay, they're stressed. Dodging responsibility, fine, that's genuine incompetence and pushing their luck. They're, I guess they're lazy, lots of excuses.

So it makes a bit more sense by the end, but you just go, well, just why don't you fucking quit instead of putting this poster up? Just quit. And to what extent can you do all this in a chip shop? How does working in a chip shop make you fly off the handles? Do you know what I hate about my local chippy? The manager is fine, but the guy whose job is to cook the chips is always jumping to conclusions. What? About what?

About how many chips I want. Yeah, he's always jumping to the conclusion of how much vinegar to put on. Can I get a portion of chips, please? Large? No, regular. Stop jumping to conclusions. Stop that! Stop pushing your luck. Stop pushing your luck with me. We're pushing the luck and patience of the listeners. Yes, we are. It's time to go to the VIP chip shop. Chip shop! Yes! I don't think we've done that before. Great. Nice. Yes, do join the Patreon. The filmed Bud Pod live is doing very well in the

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And do go see Pierre on tour. Yes, please. My Instagram. And watch a lot of his specials still. Yes. Go watch Phil on Netflix. And then when you leave the house, go see me near your house where I'm coming. On my Instagram, I've posted all my dates and things so you can look at that. And on

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