BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 298 - A Very Merry Budmas

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Merry Christmas ! This week both Phil and Pierre describe the recent Christmas miracles they experienced, the secret behind Phil's real name and of course some awful Christmas Tat. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mer-Wine-Vellum, the three wise kings have brought their gifts to the baby man Jesus God. Merry and Murray Christmas. Mer-Wine-Vellum. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I know wine and vellum weren't part of the original gift trio, but they probably would have had vellum. No, they had papyrus, probably.

Oh, yeah. I guess if you try and make leather paper in the Middle East, it gets hot and stinky quite soon. Paper's just better. Papyrus. Yeah, probably is. They would have had... They had wine, though.

They did have wine. Definitely had wine. The Phoenicians thought of... Well, you've been reading a book on the history of wine, Pierre. I have been nerding out on wine history to make even drinking less fun. Phoenicians are the oldest? The Phoenicians are in modern day Lebanon basically. Yes, Lebanon basically. Yes, there's ancient wine in Georgia and Armenia that's sort of also, you know, ancient wine, ancient wine in big clay jars buried up to their necks in the earth. So it's, they're like a manhole cover filled with wine, a sewer of wine. That's a sewer I'd like to fall in. Yeah. That's a manhole I'd like to fall through.

Well, people will be having a sewers worth of wine today, Phil, because it is the birthday of, as you put it, the baby man Jesus. Yes, yes, yes. He is two thousand and twenty-four years young today. God was born this day. It's an exciting Christmas. I've just come down from Scotland. Yeah. Um, Edinburgh, which felt was feeling very Christmasy Glasgow, less Christmasy Glasgow is a great city, but has an inescapable mature grittiness to it. Yeah. It's Glasgow Christmas is like if Christopher Nolan rebooted Christmas. It would be Glasgow Christmas. Cold, and like a blue filter on everything. That's it, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Christian Bale's in it and grumbling about, I don't know, buying gifts and Amazon delivery dates. Yeah. Where are they? That's him asking Amazon about his deliveries. Where are they? That's him asking Amazon about his deliveries. Where are they? Swear to me. And I just got off the train back from Scotland, incredibly Pierre, in modern Britain, an event

free trip from Glasgow down to London. What? Not a single delay. We set off, bang on the set off time, arrived, bang on the arrival time. It's a four and a half hours of train perfection. It's a Christmas miracle. It's a Christmas, it's a Christmas miracle. I had a Christmas miracle today, Phil.

Yeah. I just walked into my GP and said, I'm a thematic and I have a Christmas miracle. I had a Christmas miracle today, Phil. Yeah. I just walked into my GP and said, I'm asthmatic and I have a flu jab. And they went, sure. And it took five minutes and I just got it. You're kidding. I just walked in. How did you get the appointment in the first place? I didn't. I just walked in midday. What? I just walked in. Why did you even try? I mean, good that you did, but what gave you the confidence? Did the Holy Ghost take you over? I followed the star. The star was above my GPs who I've never met. I've lived in London for 12 years and I've never met my GP. And I don't think that's ever going to change because today the person who gave me the jab was still not my GP, a very nice quite elderly South Asian guy.

And I just came in and he went, oh yes, you've seen in the news how bad the flu is. And I said yes and he went and I went thanks. And I ran away. That's awesome. Maybe I should get the flu jab. You should. It's quite bad this year apparently. So it's double Christmas.

Phil, these are British Christmas miracles. The trains and the NHS worked perfectly. Did you get the two-fold with the Covid jab or just flu? Just flu. I didn't want to chance my luck. Just flu and a new inhaler for Christmas. You there, boy, you know that big syringe full of flu vaccine in the window? What, the one as big as me, sir? Yes, that's it, clever boy, wonderful boy. Boy just runs and grabs a comically large syringe

to shove into my arm. All the anti-vaxxers leaping out of the way. But Pierre, it was almost as if my body knew that an event-free train journey was unnatural. Because halfway through the trip, I pissed all the way down my right leg. What? What? No. What? So I have a history of pissing down my legs without knowing it, right? Because... Hang on.

Let's all just enjoy the sentence. I have a history of pissing down my legs. Without knowing it. Because what happens is I go to the toilet, public restroom, and. Without knowing it, because what happens is I go to the toilet, the public restroom, and I pee standing up, because I'm a big boy now, and I will pee one, I will call it the major stream, right? The mainstream of urine,

go out the intended trajectory, and all is well. However, sometimes unbeknownst to me, because of what would you like to call it, bunching, bunching of a particular skin, a secondary stream will open up beneath it without my knowledge. And the secondary stream will slightly spray my my thigh with you're in the entire duration of the mainstream. But I'm not aware of the secondary stream because

I can only see this the mainstream. And I'm going oh great this is going fantastic. Mainstream media. The mainstream media, yeah. Meanwhile, I have an alt-right stream going to my right thigh. And I pull up my trousers and go, ah, another successful urination. And then I look down on my thigh and I've just got a long dark patch down the front of my right thigh.

And I go, not, I can't, I think I audibly went off. Oh, for God's sake like that and then I have to grab tissue and I'm dabbing at dabbing dabbing dabbing dabbing and dabbing only does so much yeah but it was soaked so the dabbing was necessary and then I have to get back to my seat somehow I didn't bring anything with me I didn't have a coat or a bag to hold in front of my legs I do this sort of like weird hobbling back to my seat so that some kind of trying to cover my thigh without bringing attention to my thigh. And I'm sort of like hobbling like, kind of like Igor. I'm sort of Igoring down the carriage like, yes master, like that. So I was trying to subtly cover my thigh.

There's nothing subtle about a man who's just bending over unnecessarily as he walks down the aisle. A guy who looks like a little kid could point to him and go, hey, that guy's hiding something, something near his crotch. Exactly, yeah. And I don't think anyone saw, I mean, everyone's in their own world. They're looking at their screens. Thank God, thank God for the degradation of community because I was able to sit back down with a wet, wet Christmas

thigh and no one was the wiser. And fortunately it had evaporated by the time I got home. But even then, I was very pleased with the train journey. Even urine including. Yeah. Now, I thought what you were going to say was, because we've discussed, and one of the earliest and most heroic things Bud Pod ever did is we managed to illustrate to a listener that he wasn't secretly dying of some sort of bladder cancer. Because we explained that if you put your boxes elastic under the shaft of your penis

when you're going for a wee, the piss pipe, just to use the Latin, um, Bissipipe! Bissipipe. The pisspipe. Bissipipe. Yeah, the pisspipe is on the underside more than anywhere else. And so you're sort of pinching it or limiting the hose pipe. And then that's why if you don't know that, then you go, ah, all done.

And then you put the old lad back in and the Piss Puppet has a- Push down the elastic band, yeah. And the Piss Puppet releases what it had been holding back on your behalf. And what I thought you were gonna say was something along those lines or that you just didn't wait for the,

cause you know, we're getting older, Phil. We're getting older. And soon we will have to be even more on guard for post urination, peace be pay, mishaps. So I thought it was gonna be a big enough dribble to create a mark. When you're younger, you're concerned about pre-cum. When you're older, you're concerned about post-we.

It's either pre, if you're a fella, you're either pre-cum or post-we-in. That's a good piece of tat we should sell. And it would be like a guy with his hand resting on his chin like the thinker, like looking out over a still lake on a foggy morning. Young- Little patch in between his legs.

Yeah, yeah, young men worry about pre-cum. Old men worry about post-piss. People in the dentist's waiting room would go, ah, that's good. Yeah, I see. Yeah. I never thought of it that way, but it's true. Yeah. Yeah.

But no, you were having some kind of like a rebound thing. Because sometimes in the morning you get the V stream, which is the most unhelpful, right? Yeah. I guess what it was, was a V stream, but the sort of one arm of the V as well was, was pointed downwards so that I couldn't see it. Yeah. That's what it was, is V stream.

The old snake tongue, as we call it in the biz. And the piss biz, here in piss, that's what we call it. In the piss biz. But all things considered, absolutely fine. All is well. Ding dong merrily on high. Still a Christmas miracle. It still counts.

Are you excited about Christmas? Yes. Are you going to step into Christmas? I'll excited about Christmas? Yes. Are you going to step into Christmas? I'll step into Christmas, sure. Here's a question for you. Oh, I just stood in Christmas. Oh, looking at the butt on your shoe. Ow.

Thanks forever to get this off. There's good cheer in between all the treads on my shoe. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. treads on my shoe. I got to scrape it off with a candy cane in between the little lines. Yuck. That's what Scrooge says. That's the Grinch talking. Here's a question, Phil. I was talking to my PT. He is from Romania and I was saying to him, what's a question, Phil. I was talking to my PT. He is from Romania. And I was saying to him, what's a Romanian Christmas food like? You know, do you guys have some equivalent of turkey or Christmas pudding or what?

That's a good question. Yeah. And it's interesting, because he's going away on holiday and he was saying that while he's away, him and his girlfriend, who's also Romanian, they were going to try and find somewhere in Thailand where they could have slightly more Romanian Christmas food on Christmas day. And I was like, how are you going to do that? And he was like, oh, probably like a Greek restaurant would be the closest thing. It's a lot of stuffed vine leaves, you know, Ottoman, former Ottoman Empire, Balkans, Greece, that kind of thing. Sausages, roast meats, meat and rice and vine leaves, things like that.

And a lot of pork. And I think I was trying to think what's what would I find the least Christmasy food? Stuffed vine leaves would feel, but then I realized something. I thought pretty of that. Olives are hella not Christmasy to me. Well, here's the thing though. I realized, I was thinking, yes, a bunch of vine leaf wrapped meat and rice or whatever. That would feel nominally pretty un-Christmassy until Phil, I imagined it piled high on a platter. Mm, a feast. Suddenly, suddenly, I thought that's pretty Christmasy,

actually, a little pyramid like Ferrero Rocher but of stuffed vine leaves. Right, as long as the food served looks bountiful. Because that's what Christmas is about, it's bounty. And if the food looks bountiful, I reckon you could get, I reckon if you piled noodles high enough, it would feel Christmas. If you know, Christmas Eve, you just had a big enough bowl of noodles, throw some chili on there for the red.

Oh, green and red chili, green sprigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Coriander. Well, maybe that's the soul of Christmas isn't about any specific food, Phil. It's about platters. Platters. Yes.

You want the cornucopia effect. Yes. Yes. Do you reckon there is a cornucopia? So I read about something called the cheerleader effect. Do you know that? Have you heard of the cheerleader effect? People run faster when there's pom poms nearby.

And that might be another one. But the one I'm aware of is the cheerleader effect is when a group of people look more attractive when they're together as a group than they actually are individually. So you see a gang, I guess if you're a straight guy, you see a gang of gals together and you go, Oh, look at those ladies. I'd be very lucky to be in the company of those fun.

But if you were to look at them individually, you go, Oh, they're kind of actually just normal looking ladies. Yeah. Otherwise with, with guys, if you're into guys. And do you think there's a cornucopia effect for food? If food is thrown together in a bountiful way, lots of pieces together, it actually looks more enticing than it is individually, by individual items. I think it has to be right. I mean, a single salt and pepper fried rib looks like a big medical anomaly, but in a big pile, your mind

can identify them as food. Yeah, there's got to be. That's right. And it's like French fries, a full thing of French fries. Wow. A single French fry? The saddest thing in the world. Yeah.

Left behind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think the cheerleader effect works with like a group of like grandmas, like they look all the grandmas, like 50 grandmas in a crowd, they all seem really nurturing and kind. But then when you look at them individually, they're like crones, cruel. Yeah, I reckon for sure. Yeah. A gaggle of old ladies, you go, aww sweet, they're probably knitting me something very nice right now. But if you were to just encounter them individually, you go, they've probably said some awful things about immigrants, this lady, at some point. This lady probably bought her house very cheap.

Yeah, seven quid. But together you go, aww, look after them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, is the least Christmassy food a fried egg? Yeah. But it is white for snow, I guess. But yeah, I reckon that's pretty un-Christmassy. Yeah. I, I, it's so breakfasty and it's so not. I would not... Fried. It's so breakfasty and it's so not... At a Bud Pod live once, you asked this question and I said, Huel was probably the most un-Christmassy

meal. Like you might look into someone's window on Christmas day and they're just digging into a bowl of Huel. Oh God. You go, oh no. They're digging into a bowl of Huell wearing an Oculus Rift. Yeah, they're watching a beautiful Christmas meal in front of them. And then if you're looking through the Oculus Rift, everyone around the table like eating turkey legs with them is like Batman and Wonder Woman.

How about sushi? How about loads of sushi that's quite un-Christmassy but then you got a lot of colour there's a green and white and pink it's not pretty Christmasy colours it's not warm though it's cold even gruel is kind of Christmassy yeah it's giving it's it's giving Dickens, isn't it? A bit of gruel. It's giving Scrooge. That's right. It's giving Scrooge. Fucking hell. I mean, he wasn't giving. That was the whole thing. Yeah. And then when he was transformed, that's what all the people on the street said. They said, it's giving Scrooge. This is the new version of Scrooge who gives.

He's giving giving. And you're like, sorry, what? He just, it starts to break your brain. Yeah. Scrooge. This is the new version of Scrooge who gives. He's giving giving. And you're like, sorry, what? He just, it starts to break your brain. It's giving Scrooge, new Scrooge, giving Scrooge. It's giving giving. Just like, what? Tiny Tim starts going, grabbing his head. He's really confused. His crutch dropping to the ground as he frees his hands to grab his head. This got to have been a fucking drag Christmas Carol production in London somewhere by now, right? Oh, without a doubt.

The Christmas Carol is the name of the main drag queen. Oh, yes, of course. Oh, man. Drag is approaching. Hey, Christmas Carol. I'm THE Christmas Carol. Bleh. Something like that, maybe? Oh man.

And then the enemy's Christmas Karen. I mean, look, it would sell out, is the thing. It would sell out. We mock it, we sigh, but my god, we'd be rich. Oh no kids, it's Christmas Karen. Boo! Boo! All the kids screaming at this lady with her short hair wig on. For me, drag is now approaching a level of cultural dominance that I think of it as the equal opposite of football. of it as the equal opposite of football. Right. It's big. I feel like it is. I think we are past peak drag.

Do you think? Yeah. It's like a... Which is something I used to say during aeronautical engineering labs, actually. We're now past peak drag. I never thought I'd say that sentence again. Yeah. I, yeah, I went on. I think we are past peak drag.

I'll be online and if I'm looking at something where I go, I don't want to see this or no, I'm don't want to see, but I'm not interested in this. It'll be like football or it'll be more drag. Yeah. And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go on Instagram and like, I'll be suggested a reel of someone I know talking very in depth about, I don't know, West Ham. And then I'll go, ah, and I'll scroll. And then the next thing will be another drag show and I'll go, oh, yeah.

And then it's, it's, I, it's's drag is not as overpowering as football on mass, but in the arts I'm saying like from my standpoint, I'm, I'm 50 miles from football and I'm two miles from drag. So they look the same size as it were. Yes. Gotcha. Yeah. It's a perspective thing. I, uh, yeah. It's only occurred to me in the last few months how hard it is for the robots to sell things to me, because I follow so many confusing people. Yeah, you are a man of many, there are many feathers to your bow, Pierre, you're hard to pin down.

But it's just if you know other comedians, because the algorithm can't determine if you personally know someone. So the algorithm is having to treat everyone like they're just a media consumer. So they're going, this guy loves a center-right comedian, Jeff Norcott from The Mash Report, who I worked with then, and who's a lovely man, I've been on his podcast. And they go, this guy loves Jeff Norcott and seven of Australia's gayest, maddest comedians. And they just, the robot just goes, what is happening? I don't. And he follows like 14 archaeology accounts and then a sort of language journal for a different continent. It's gibberish.

It must just look like the most insane guy. I'm sure on some level or whatever in their databases. And it's you and four other guys are in this grouping of consumer. I've been getting some spooky ads. I mean, a lot of the most pathetic algorithm ad I get is when I've just bought something online. Like I bought my sister a frying pan for Christmas and they instantly go on Instagram and it's an ad for that brand of frying pan. And I want to go, that doesn't count. No, no, no, no, you don't, you don't, no, no, no, that doesn't count. You don't get to claim this as an algorithmic victory. You just saw me. I just bought it. Yeah. I beat you. I

beat you there. I beat you to it. I beat you to it. Algorithm. I knew me before you knew me. Yeah. One nil. And they've wasted their money. Those guys. Absolutely. Good. I made them as I was in, I was in Glasgow and I went to a Cantonese restaurant for lunch. Sure. A good Cantonese restaurant called Lung Fung in Glasgow has been there since like the 70s, like an old school, big Cantonese restaurant. Oh, nice. And then I got home back to the flat hotel room and I was looking on Instagram and then I served one of these like, come try this food with me videos by like a Scottish Glaswegian influencer and he was going to that restaurant like this is Lunfeng

and I thought okay impressive that you know I was there and you're sending me this video but also I've already been I beat you I beat you Zuck what I beat you to it what are you gonna have to get up earlier in the day Zuck to tell me where I'm going for Chinese food. I'll tell you. What if you watched the influencer and then it was you having lunch earlier that day in the background? I almost thought I would, because the guy looked a bit like a guy who was on the table

next to me. And for a second I was like, oh wait, was that him? Did he just film this? He's going to get that way, man. I think these videos are going to be AI'd up so that they will just put you in the real eating in the background. What if that happened to you today or yesterday and you looked and it was you in the background and slowly you saw yourself look at the camera and wave at yourself?

Horrible, haunting. Yeah, really horrible. And slowly you saw yourself look at the camera and wave at yourself. Horrible haunting. Yeah, really horrible. Doing a thumbs up, looking pointing down at the food and then doing a thumb up. You'll you like your six fingers. Yeah, yeah. You like to this. I guess I did backvertizing, advertising for things you've already bought so that you tell people you like them. Backvertising. Oh, that's good.

I like that term. Speaking, I love a Chinese guy, a Chinese Scot, because they're Chinese, but they have like strong Scottish accents. Last night, I changed my hotel room two times. I was in... What? They were too noisy. First one... What? They were too noisy. First one... What? I got in the first one after the gig and it was a weird room where the bed was on like

a mezzanine over the top. And I entered the room and I just heard over the bed, ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ............... I took a ticket, took a took a took. Was there a sort of an Inuit man hiding in there? There may have been. I didn't, I didn't go up to check. I thought, no faulty or haunted. I don't care.

And I just started, I just started packing my bag and I was like, nope. And I went downstairs and I said, and the guy was like, are you in room blank, blank, blank? I was like, yeah. He's oh yeah, sorry. That's buzzing. And then I changed room to on the ground floor

and it's like, oh, thank you. And I went over and then I got in the room, ah, put my bag down. This is like midnight, so I'm getting ready to sleep. And then I just hear, bong, lift going up. Oh yeah. And the room is just right next to the lift. That sucks.

So then I go, nope, and I take my bags off and I go back again and I say to this guy, Dominic, shout out to Dominic, I say, Dom, come on, help a brother out. I can't sleep and he's like, noisy, yes it's noisy Dominic. And then he sent me to a third room that was quiet enough. It was just right. Just right. Oh no, actually, well, I turned in,

I was like, oh, this is quite hot in here, and looked at the thermostat, and it was on heat. The setting was heat. But the heat at 15 degrees Celsius, I was like, huh? And so I blinked my eyes, I changed the mode to cool, but the cool was at 33 degrees Celsius. And I was like, huh?

And I couldn't get it to cool the room below 33 degrees. What? And so I just changed it to fan. I didn't even know what fan is. I guess fan is just blow around whatever air you got air conditioning. Just blow it. I give up trying to figure out how hot this air is. Just blow what you got at me, which is unfortunately not the first time I've said

that. Just blow what you've got at me and I did get asleep there. But so this is a roundabout way of saying this Dominic he was Polish but he'd been in Glasgow so long he had a Glaswegian Polish accent. Oh nice. It was awesome. I couldn't even try it. It's like, Oh no, your room is too hot. It was like that, but nice. It just sounds Finnish. It was like that, but good too. Yeah. Yeah. Felipe is pointing out that the first room was someone whispering tat. Oh, someone had- Oh, it was. Oh, no. Someone is celebrating an accurate tat whispering. I really like that you went to a room where the air conditioning was like, well, we can either heat it to 15 degrees so we can get it to a nice cool 33.

Yeah, yeah, that did not make any sense I could make it, I could cool the room warmer than 33, but I couldn't cool the room cooler than 33. Insane. And I hate going to a hotel where clearly the majority of their customers are British pensioners or very, very thin women. And they're just like, every room is just this fucking warming oven for leftover food. You just walk in and you go, Jesus. And it's this like thick, heavy air with unopenable windows. And it's just hot. You just think this can't work as a business, can it? Keeping a building this temperature in this country.

How? This chain of restaurants, this chain of hotels is the chain of hotels that Paul the tour went on tour with, said to me once, you know, this is a chain of hotels that British people go to fuck in. People come here and they have sex in the rooms. No, don't say that. And then we'd they have sex in the rooms. And I went, no, don't say that. And then, and then we'd look around and all the couples coming down in their fucking

pajamas are like, ah, and Paul's like, they've had sex this morning. They had sex last night. No, no, disgusting. No. A lot of people found out your description of their cummy dicks in their tracksuit trousers really funny and horrible. As did I. So fortunately yesterday I got the chance to sort of rub my ass in the cum mixtures of three rooms in one evening. Well.

Whatever crusty cum dusting was left over in those rooms, I got a nice three helpings of it. I got to breathe in the sex spores of three rooms. You did a little tasting menu of all these. A flight, Pierre. You did a flight of cum. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, everyone.

I did a flight of cum last night. And then you pissed all over your thigh. Merry Christmas. That's funny. Oh man. Oh gosh. Oh, before we do some correspondence, I would just like to say, I have never had my name mispronounced as poorly as the lady at the pharmacy, uh, earlier today.

Oh, great. Cause you've had some doozy. Oh, man. If someone just says Perry Novell, I go, okay, I see where you're coming from. I see where you're coming from. Uh, this lady, it was, it was genuinely per. Per. Per.

Which is the sound a cat makes. There's no getting around it. And my surname, it was, she, she actually gave up. She got as far as Novier, which is not right. Wow. I've never heard someone just stop a name halfway through. She went,

She's got, I'm out. Bearing in mind, there's not a queue for the pharmacy. So I'm the only bloke there. But she was looking around as if addressing an invisible crowd of people who might be called Pernovia. And I was like, yay. Novier.

Yeah. Pernovia. Pernovia. So Pernovia. Pernovia. Pernovier. Pernovier. Pernovier? Pernovier? And that's the nice thing about London Phil is that I have had my name completely butchered by

people from every background. It's not something... Or putting their own cultural spin on it. Oh, it's like a little fusion cuisine. Absolutely Oh, it's like a little fusion cuisine Absolutely, and it's it's I I think it's unfair You and I feel we know a lot of very nervous Well-meaning middle-class white English people. They're the most nervous people we know

Mm-hmm. Yeah, we aren't a university with these people. They are terrified of getting anything wrong. We work with these people. They're so afraid to accidentally step on a cultural toe, and that's very nice, but it can be quite exhausting being around people that uptight and neurotic all the time. And if you're one of those people and you're listening, I just want to reassure you, as a guy with a weird name who lives in London, and a particularly, you know, diverse part of London, no one can do anyone's name ever. Don't worry about it. Everyone is fucking up everyone else's name,

left and right. I, my name isn't even Wang. It's Wong, but I made peace with that 16 years... 16? 18 years ago I made peace with that. Yeah. Your only place you've ever had your name pronounced correctly by literally everyone you've ever encountered is South Africa. Oh yeah. That's true. Yeah. Every passport check, Mr. Wong. And you were like, yes, every time. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Beautiful boy, clever boy.

Wonderful boy. As you just shake the Zulu border guard of the Lesotho border gate, that sergeant, beautiful boy, clever boy. Just reaching over the desk, grabbing his epaulettes. Pernovie. Pernovie. Pernovie.

It sounds like one of the towns affected by Chernobyl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will have to evacuate Pernovie. Yes, yeah, yeah. No one's lived in Pernovie since... Ha, ha, ha, ha. But yeah, it was as she gave up that she just looked at me, Per Novia.

And then looked right at me. I was like, yeah. Yeah. You know, hopefully there wasn't a different like old Polish guy somewhere in that shop called Per Novia who's I've got his medicine now, but probably not. Yeah. Imagine you left and then a guy turns up again. Hello.

I'm waiting for prescription is it's pernovia. Is for Mr. Novier? Oh no, I gave your prescription rubber fist to that young man. Cut to you walking down the street with a bag. You get an asthma attack. Well good thing I have my flop flop flop flop. Huge rubber fist for an anus. For an anus.

Oh no! My asthma hates rubber fists. Yeah. As you shove it down your throat. Yeah. Buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh

buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh Okay, this is from Tom, who says bloody awful Christmas tat. Tom, Tom, I need to do a rhyme for Tom. Is there anything Christmassy for Tom? Tom, um, Oh, Tom, ba-da-ba-ba-bam. Oh, perfect. Very good. Um, I send some tat to them, ba'll sign my live, live, laugh, love.

Is it prosecco o'clock? Yeah. So Tom says bloody awful Christmas tat and was on sale from October. So Phil, these are cooking aprons, kitchen aprons. Yep. Gotcha. They're quite high up. They're sort of, you know, the apron is sort of neck high.

It's not like a... Ah. Sort of like cool industrial flame grill fancy restaurant in London. It's like a meat sort of, it's called Meat Lab, and everyone's dressed up as a scientist in an open plan kitchen. It looks, or like, it looks like, they're bright red, but maybe a sort of Christmas uniform of someone who uses a lathe. So, let's see, what will I delete? So the first one says, Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a blank bank account and a blank body.

Let's try not to mix up the two like last year. Christmas is a blank bank account and a blank body. Let's try not to mix up the two like last year dot dot dot. Okay. Nice. All I love for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. A fat and skinny body. You got it. Oh, you did it.

Skinny body. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, It's not punctuated right, let's has no apostrophe and it seems to be missing a word. So it's, dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Let's try not to mix up the two like last year.

Okay. Fat, fat, fat bank account isn't something anyone says. No, it should be fat wallet. Yeah, the fat wallet. You don't have fat account. Wow, what a fat bank account I have. This is like, if the vest was written by the like someone who's has almost fluent English, you know, this is how you would tell they were a German spy.

Yeah. They'd have a good accent. Did they say fat account? They'd have a good accent. But they'd be like, oh, my bank account's looking pretty fat these days. And you'd think, hmm, what? But like fat, well, in the 90s, PH 80 was cool, right?

Yeah. Fat. I don't know if you'd say fat bank account, do you? But you would say a fat car. No, I was just saying, on the, quickly on the topic of spies, this Chinese spy story with Prince Andrew, who was maybe or maybe or maybe not friends with a spy, maybe, maybe not knowing. It's just a fun, that guy is so bad at picking friends. He's just like, he's a guy at school who is so unpopular. He just takes any friend you can get. Do you think he's just such a penis that no one nice would ever hang out with

him for the sake of his own personality. So he can only have evil friends, like ill-intentioned friends. It's so fun. Anyway, we'll probably talk about that at length at some point. Maybe in the bonus part we'll get into Chinese spying. Yeah. Chinese spying. Yeah.

Festive spying. So the other, the other apron, Phil. Oh yeah. Uh, I'm dreaming of a blank Christmas and when all the blank is gone, I'll drink all the blank. I'm, ah, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas and while the white is gone, I'll drink the red. Oooooooooh, he's done it. He's done it. I wouldn't want to go from gallons of white to gallons of red. That feels like vomit territory to me. All of the white.

All of the red. He is drinking that in the correct order though, roughly speaking. Oh yeah? Is that right? You should go white to red, generally. You can bounce between, but white to red is the... Red before... What would the rhyme be?

Red before white, you're in for a fright. White before red, you're okay, Fred. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. So, this is from Gabrielle. Gabrielle ain't going to hell, cause it's Christmas! Very nice. Hello, Phil Trout. Sleighbell. How did I miss that? Gabrielle's, I hear sleighbells.

No need to bring hell into this. Hello, there's no need to talk about hell on Christmas. Hello filtrage in a pear tree. Lovely festive. Sure. Smelly crapmas. Thank you, Gabrielle. Look, all I want for Christmas is decolonization. Yeah. That's all I want under my

three. I've received this Christmas card see attached and frankly, it can fuck right off. So it's great. Pretty gross. Suffice to say, Phil, comic sans makes an appearance on this Suffice to say, Phil, Comic Sans makes an appearance on this card. Oh, wow. In 2024? Yeah. So I'm going to read it with the capitals pronounced. OK, he sees you when you're slay bang. He knows when you're awake, like much bigger. Those two words. Yeah. And then underneath, what do you think?

I can't really take any blanks out of it. It's just a sentence that is a joke based on that. But it's a bad, it's not even really a joke. It's just like sass. It's just, ugh, it's just nothing. OK, he sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Santanis, mind his own bloody business.

We're very much in that territory. We're very much in that territory. It's all in Comic Sans, remember? It's OK, dot, dot, dot. No, I'm already pissed off. I'm already sick. Correct. OK, dot, dot, dot. You should probably get a restraining order.

Oh, piss off. Come on. That's too rude one. Horrible. Don't do that face, Pierre. It's making me angrier. Oh, no. No.

No. I'm being a detective and true detective when he sees the video. No! No! Yeah, you're pushing your chair all the way back to the other side of the little garage. Yeah. No! That's horrible, I hate that.

Yeah, that's really disgusting. Okay, maybe... Maybe she got a restraining order. No! No! I hate that. Yeah, that's really maybe maybe she got a restraining order I hate that kind of thing crap. Oh la crap. Oh la I just Know no one who Who reads that and goes Yeah, it's weird Someone who's never heard a joke in their life.

Someone who just hatched. Only recently hatched. But that's the market for greeting card jokes. Yeah. Is it even a joke? It's just a comment. It is a joke. I think you'd have to technically would have to classify it as a joke.

No. Because you're... There's an identifiable joke structure there, isn't there? You can see what they're getting at. And you can tell that the intended result is humour. Why would you want a restraining order from Father Christmas? He brings you free things. Yeah.

The last person I want to give a restraining order out for. Yeah, I want to invite him in to my home. The treats he has. I want to order him to stay restrained in my house. Stay in my house, that's an order. Keep giving me gifts. I think you could write quite a good sort of Phil Wang themed Christmas Eve little story

about you getting really angry about the little noises of the reindeer landing on the roof and like the bells. Oh yeah. Because you hate little noises so much. So like the reindeer hooves, the bells, the laughing, ho ho ho. The shuffling. Shuffling around. Well, no, this would annoy you, the munching and gulping of milk and cookies. If Father Christmas ate with his mouth open, then I would say to him, you know what, don't

worry about it. I'll buy my own fucking presents. Don't ever come back here. You'd kill him like in the Santa Claus and then you'd have to become Santa. Then I'd be one that chewed with his mouth closed and they'll be fine. And I would be a deathless, a deathless loot-based ghoul like him. Demigod. The deathless, yeah, ancient demigod.

Would you want to be Santa forever? You'd be powerful but trapped in your life until someone killed you. It depends what he spends the rest of the year doing. Are the elves just like slaves for him and they just do it all for him and he just sits around jacking it or what? Does he have to- Well in Bud Pod lore, remember elves only live a year and are birthed by Santa. Yes, he's an insect.

From eggs. He's a big insect. You need to listen to bonus part to get the rest of this. Imagine if we get no presents this year, Pierre, because we said Santa's an insect. Because we told people. Because we revealed it to people. Yeah. I think he might. What if he just gives us threats now?

A web. Web from his butt. Or a husk. When Santa sheds his skin and leaves behind a perfectly father Christmas shaped shell. And we got Santa, it's you and we touch it and our hand just goes through. Yeah. Shedded carapace. Like it's really dry. Like it's really dry paper mache. Just a hole with your hand. Oh, God. Yuck. Very yucky. Well.

Well, we'll leave you with that image for Christmas, everybody. Ho, ho, ho. Santa's an insect and he will shed his skin. For one lucky family. He sees you when he's creeping. He knows when you have hatched. Yeah. And bonus pod, Patreon VIPs, we will be talking to you the day after Boxing Day.

Boxing Boxing Day, the Boxing Boxing Day. Kicking Day? Let's call it Kicking Day. Kicking day. Let's call it kicking day. Kicking day. So see Patrons on kicking day, everyone else, Merry Christmas, happiness and glory to all mankind. May you forgive. May you forget. May you remember. May you love. May you give. May you receive. may you dance, may you sit, may you eat, may you poop, may you sleep, may you rise, and may we all find peace on earth. That is all from me.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone. Bye-bye! Bye! Bye!