BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 311 - Einstein's Final Theory

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

Einstein's theory re: waste, the DLC bakery, Melbourne hipsters, the return of the Bagga De Secretis, we hear from Phoebe about robot advertsPierre's autism article: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2025/mar/31/autism-on-screen-sherlock-sheldon-amelie-office-communityPatreons your PRE-SALE and DISCOUNTED tickets to BUDPOD LIVE are up now on your Patreon feed!We have brand new BudPod MERCH!!Patreons get 20% discount on all merch!https://visualanticsapparel.com/collections/budpod-podcast Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget that Bud Pod Live is on as part of the Cheerful Eeriful podcast festival in October on the 12th. The pre-sale tickets are running out. There are only maybe a quarter of them left. So if you want some delicious pre-sale tickets at a lovely Bud Pod discount, you better get on it, because they're running out. Otherwise, we will see you in October at the Clapham Grand. It's Bud Pod 311. 311. Wee bum bum. Wee bum bum. Wee bum bum. Yes, welcome again to an episode of Melb Pod? Bud Melb? Bud Melb. Os Pod. Bud Melb is a kind of beer, surely. Bud Melb. It's from the same village as Budweiser, or Budvar, but it's made by tramps. Actually, Bud Melb could be a village in German Switzerland, actually. Bud Melb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He escaped from Stalag Luft 3 and crossed the border near Budmelb.

Very nice. We've had quite a nice day out. Yes, we've been in the sunshine. And it's technically it's not too hot. It's 23 degrees here. Feels hotter. But the UV, my Apple watch tells me that the UV is very high. Your watch told you. Yeah. So I have have a complication on. This comes from going on holiday to Brazil last year

with my friend Sarah Jane, who is from Sand End, which is in Aberdeenshire. So north in Scotland, it's nearly Denmark. So north, it's called Sand End. Yeah, exactly. This is where the sand ends. Yeah. Now it's the North Sea, actually. Just a promontory and she obviously burns

immediately with even the slightest murmur of sunshine. So she always would she'd give us updates throughout the day of the UV levels and it was really useful because she became like a UV bellwether So we always put the right amount of sun cream on at the right time I think a lot of the books we had to read at uni were by U.V. Bellwether. Yeah, U.V. Bellwether. Celtic Studies, Volume 7. Yeah, he was a sort of Catholic convert scholar in the 1920s.

He started off studying coins and then became a rabid theologian. He got so into early medieval history that he became sort of like a late version of like the Oxford movement. Got really into Coliseum again. We've seen it happen. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. We've seen it happen, folks. Live.

It's so hard not to talk like Donald Trump. Yeah. We've seen it happen, folks. We've seen it happen. People, they love to get into the coins. It's not my kind of thing. Was it? We love Boethius, don't we? We love Thomas Aquinas we love it. No, I think that

Con substantiation. It's not really Really the my kind of not really my kind of service the Mother Church Yeah, I once went to as you as you know, I used to be on the chapel committee at uni. I did. And we had a guest lecture once from a missionary who had been in the New World, I can't remember where, but it was in a really remote part of the New World. Yeah. Speaking to people who, you know, remote contact people. Yeah.

Basically. And he was... So, first guy they've seen in seven years. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And he was, even at the end, I sent a sort of borderline distressed email to the priest, our priest, Father Alban, and was like, I really think that I'm really troubled by all the things. And Father Auburn just replied, yeah, he was mental, all right.

Man who has to be ecumenical and diplomatic and everything he says. And there was an older lady there who gave me the vibes of convert, like high Anglican convert, he was like, thank your father for that wonderful homily on the true church. And then she asked him about any Protestant missionaries. And she was like, how did they detract from the mission of the true church? And the missionary who was Italian was like, yes, they are when they arrive there, they make the native peoples, they kill them, they make them slave and they will make them eat each other.

And I was like, what is happening? All of us at one point, a really posh guy just left in the middle of it and just about apologized in a phrase I'll remember to the end of my day just lent over to apologize to Father Orbit and said I'm sorry father I've got to go I've got to cook a leg of lamb. I need to use that as an excuse more to leave social situations. I'm terribly sorry I can't stay I've got excuse more to leave social situations. I'm terribly sorry, I can't do it. I've got a cool leg of lamb. Well, a guy stands up there and goes,

Ned Flanders, he's a demon man. They're Methodists. Their eyes will burn you if you look at them and they look at you. You will become mesh. Presenting the wettest Christians, like the most howdy, as like demonic kennels. Polite, toasty Christians as people

who sell into enslavement anyone they speak to. Yeah, and then eat them. Yeah, then eat them or make them eat each other. Make them eat each other? Just really worse. Unclear as to the ecumenical benefit of this. I would be fascinated to I can't remember the guy's name, but be fascinated to know what he's doing these days. He's

definitely just wandering around in the jungle somewhere like headbutting trees. Yeah, so some mad shit. Well, I mean, we saw on our walking around today, we went to the sort of I guess hipster, hipster site. Yeah, I think that hipster, hipster side. I think that's fair. And we kind of accidentally, because I led us in the wrong direction initially, and we went to Carlton, which is a hipster place. But we realized that we'd gone to the wrongly spelled independent bakery.

Yeah, that's how many there are. And that's how similar they're named. So we had to go another 17 minutes out of our way to get to the correctly spelled independent bakery to meet our friends. Yeah, this bakery, I will say listeners, was like a Pokemon hospital. What are they called in the game? The Pokemon Center. Yeah, it was like the Pokemon Center.

So it was all polished concrete. It was enormous, like an Apple Store. Naked red brick wall. Naked red brick wall, steel roof. Pipes. Hanging girders. And polished concrete and polished concrete counter. But the counter was like two meters by 20 meters,

like sort of vast. Yeah. And just a single sort of prop example of every type of croissant. There were only five types. Yeah, a slight rectangle with like five different kinds of croissant on there. And it's only croissants that they made there. And I would say that the bakery, which you could see at the back, which had all the like, what, like sheets of like croissant material.

And those big like two meter high Trays on wheels. Yeah, those are shelves shelves shelves shelves I would go so far as I it's the size of like a good sized in Industrial dairy. Yeah, like if there had been 16 Dairy cows there being pumped. I wouldn't have been shocked. It was so vast It was as big as the bakery that supplies outlets. Yeah, not that way you go to buy it. It was Like but nothing was happening. Nothing's happening there. That's the thing. That was the weird thing about it I thought no activity you said what did you say? It was like

In a video game you walk up to the counter and like because the game is quite old They can't render shelves full of shiny croissants Yeah, so they just have the samples on the on the kind of desk and you just like Yeah, you pick one. Yeah, and then it just goes running and the money goes down And then as you kind of move away from the NPC you check your backpack and it's in there. Yeah. Yeah And you just like the plus five health if you eat it Yeah, that plus two mana. But minus ten dollars. And the minus ten dollars like floats above your head and then...

Evades. It's a red minus ten. But so much of it was so empty. It felt like, it also felt like there was space in there for if you buy DLC. Like if you get like expansion packs

then you can buy, you can get croissants and jet packs. Or like Assassin's Creed where it's like, oh, Ezio, we need someone to help up a day to the day. So if you do missions and you spend enough money in the game, you'll go like drink, or it becomes a whole new shelf will appear. It's like when you can get, it's like when you can get a base on Fallout. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, space for you to like you

can put weapon racks there. Yeah, and you could like, yeah, yeah, yeah, look like that. And like a robot assistant, like you get like there's a robot assistant who can then make the questions for you. And that's a way to like generate money in the game. It looked like when we talked to the hipster Australian lady behind the counter, she should have said, Would you like to help upgrade our bakery today? I'll give you some bottle caps.

It felt like as we were walking away from her she's not moving her mouth but still talking and it fades away as we run over to the corner of the bakery where our friends are sitting and she's like thanks very much have a great day. I hear they're still having problems over at the end. If only I had some more milk powder from my cross on them it's like a quest there's no more milk powder since all that business up on route 43 you go back over and you can ask it there's like a semi grade

out line where you can ask her about what's this about route 43 yeah and you got I haven't I haven't talked to the other guy first so I can't I can't have that croissant because I haven't been north. Yeah, I can't be. I'm already doing another. I'm doing a pie quest. I can't start doing croissants.

It was our first ever DLC bakery. Yeah. It was your classic DLC bakery situation. You've all been there. It was nice. I would say everyone who we walked past looked like they were in a contest to see who looked the most cool, hipstery. Every man had lots of lovely jewelry and a little mustache and a mullet or a little vest

or something. That was like small, like kind of too small. Like what would you call that? Like in a Shanker hat? A Tra call that? Like an Ashanka hat? A trapper hat? Like that one that's like folds up at the sides. The two small beanies? Yeah, yeah.

But like it's not like a beanie, it's like a trapper hat. You know what you can get as like a... Yeah, almost like a kind of, like if a four year old were to join the foreign legion. Yeah, yeah, like a very, The four-year-old were to join the Foreign Legion. Yeah, yeah, like a very... Like a smaller Soviet nation's national guard uniform hat.

Yes, yes, yes. We're talking Kazakhs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some sort of Kazakh hat. It's like a Belarusian... It's like that shade of... It's like a shade of green, but it's not a shade of green that's anywhere near like a British shade of green in a

uniform. No it's a deep olive green that the Russians love. Forest green, pond green. You look at it and you go I don't know why I know that that's not Russian but I know it's not. I know it's definitely it's definitely someone grandparents would have been worried about during the Cold War if they'd seen them on the news. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And also if I looked into why the hat looks like that, the explanation would start with the sentence, Peter the Great. It would be something to do with Russian colonialism. Or it would be more like harrowing, like,

due to the coniferous landscape of this particular, like, a bit of border warfare or something. It's like snow and conifers, and that's why it's the same color as a Christmas tree. If you want to read a sort of quite profound and sort of intermittently depressing and interesting thousand page book, Life and Fate by Vasili Grosman, highly recommend. I learned from that.

He was a journalist for the Soviet army, basically, and a writer. And he was the main journalist on the ground through Stalingrad. So most of Enemy at the Gates is based on his writing. Loads of what we know about Stalingrad is based on his articles. And he was like a celebrity at the time, like soldiers would hand out his articles and read them until they fell apart. He wrote Life and Fate about the contradictions of being relatively happy as a Soviet person but also Jewish under Stalin and how they had to be two things at once.

He's really good. And he was talking about it, it's a bit like a kind of Soviet version of those classic you know brothers Karamazov or whatever where it's like oh there's like a chapter the chapters alternate between luxurious dacha a work camp and a kind of French salon yeah well there are different types of Russian art but it's modern so it's like a gulag and like where they're trying to build a nuclear bomb and a lab and then like a little village and then, then Stalingrad is really good. That's really good.

I don't know that much about the, I feel like it's a bit of a weird gap in my knowledge, like the cold war and the Soviet era, which is, it's weird when I was born in nine, October 1990. Yeah. So really like that that just happened. That all happened more recently than COVID happened to us now. Yeah. And it means almost nothing to me. Almost nothing. It's fascinating to read about because he was pointing out that

the all the food at these work camps was just like turnip mash and like barley porridge. Well, one of my old buddies at work was Lithuanian. Yeah. And his parents met in Soviet Lithuania, and they met because it was compulsory potato picking for the government that they all had to do at the age of like 18. It's like 18 to like 21. It's like a kind of conscription. Yeah, the conscription to pick potatoes and they all just got,

they picked potatoes all day and got battered in the evening. So they got battered on like all the vodka and cigarettes they could possibly manage. And they're all just like shagging and drinking and picking potatoes. And they used to look with a weird nostalgia. Yeah. So strange. Well, it's like hardship in the past as always. But these guys in these camps, because I always thought, like, they all just dive scurvy, right?

And they would dive scurvy, but they got vitamin C by chewing pine needles. No way. You would learn that if you went there, and like one of the older guys would, took a liking to you, he'd teach you how to live, how to survive. Absolutely sucking on a Christmas tree.

Yeah, just getting a bit of Christmas tree and just chewing that all day, the sap and like. Fucking hell. Yeah. So that's my recommendation if you want to have a fascinating bad book time. Yeah. It's the only way I could really describe it.

When you read something that long and interesting that's nevertheless like, oh god, sort of harrowing. I will say, yeah, I mean, the hipsters, the men all looked like, the irony is that hipster fashion has coincided with my visit to Melbourne to make all the cool Australians dress like offensive caricatures of Australians from our youth. Yes, yeah, exactly.

So singlet, mullet. Yeah, mullets and tashes. Mustache. Yeah. It's incredible. It's sort of like... Toady. Toady-coded from neighbors.

But like, more like, that's... This is like someone who you assume works for an app who's walking through the city. But they look like what we would have been told people look like who have like a tire swing in their back garden and drive around in a Jeep with no top on. What would be the equivalent of if an American was going to spend a month at the Edinburgh Fringe and everyone just had like, ginger hair with a kind of tartan hat on or

something? Yeah, it's so stereotypical, but it's so what is happening? Everyone? Yeah, everyone's in like a plaid shirt. And a really battered. You know, I was gonna say really bad baseball cap. But even as I said that I feel like I'm just describing a lot of people you see Yeah, like doing a podcast basically on Instagram reel or something that comes up like suggested for you and it's like we saw we saw a fun Anti-littering poster which was a black and white photos a very famous photo of Albert Einstein

Writing on a chalkboard and looking back at the camera almost cackettishly as if to say, oh, you caught me calculating. Over his shoulder with a look of slight surprise, mild surprise, I would say. He's so focused on his calculations. And what it said in white on the chalkboard, obviously it had been edited to be anti-littering, it just said, put in bin. In massive letters. Like he'd just written it. And we were saying like, is that what happened when he like cracked the code for creation? That either his brain broke and he was like, oh my, he just saw the infinite possibility

of the universe. And then the only thing he could say was put in bin. People kept making him go to the chalkboard and making him try and write a calculation, but all he would write is put in bin. People kept making him go to the chalkboard and making him try and write a calculation, but all he would write is put in bin. Loads of other lower down lecturers with their sleeves rolled up and ties under. But like big sweat patches under their arms. And there's like 30 post grads who, they're junior to Einstein, but each of them is already a professor somewhere else. And they've been in there with him for days and they're junior to Einstein, but each of them is already a professor somewhere else.

And they've been in there with him for days, and they're all unshaven and stuff. They're just rubbing their cheeks. It was like Chinese takeaway boxes everywhere. They're all sat forward with their hands in a prayer pose, just looking really far forward, because they can't see. He's minutely writing on the board, and he's been days of just like scribbling and then he finally

Turns around with that look in his eye and it just says In Benin Every time they Every time they scream another question at him Every time they scream another question at him. He just taps the board With the chalk he hasn't spoken for a year put in Ben He's like he just taps the board and shrugs and sits down again. He only talks in his sleep as well and all he says is Putin bin.

Putin bin. His housekeeper goes past him on a stormy night and he's just like, how was he today? He's okay. He went to bed early and he's just like, Putin bin. They got excited for a bit because they thought maybe in his sleep he wasn't like that, but they realized it was just the German for Pudding bin. It was, yeah.

And sometimes like the French or Hungarian, but nevertheless always Pudding bin. Languages he's never learned. He's still telling what he's saying, Pudding bin, with the exact same amount of grammatical incorrectness. Yeah, it's muttering, mut put in bin and perfect Mandarin in Tamil They only they only know because there's like a visiting professor from Sri Lanka

Yeah, like I was passed and it's like she's why someone put put in bin on the board in chalk and they go He's that with that. We thought it was new algebra Because it like you We thought that was... Because it like, you know... He's written it in like, perfect Tamil script. Yes, exactly, yeah. And they're all just going, it's got to be maths. What is it? What is this?

What could it mean? Maybe it means energy or force? Force over energy? One of the linguistics professors comes past, he's a visiting professorship from Sri Lanka. And sees it. But you were also saying that maybe it's like a curse. It's like a Greek myth where he had too much knowledge He was touched by Apollo Something I went wrong the god the goddess Athena the goddess of wisdom Like like broke his brain because he knew too much He he sort of snuck a look inside her kind of scroll. He over weaned. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She let him peer into her pool of truths. And then she said, don't let your nose tip touch the water. And one day he leant over too far. And one of the strands of his mad hair brushed the water. He was like, oh no! His hair wasn't like that. He had like a perfectly combed brown hair. One of those American 60s dad, like really neat brown comb

overs. Perfect parting. Brill cream. Yeah, like those 1950s painted adverts. Yeah. Perfect hair. Advertising coke. And it's just someone like smiling 1950s painted adverts. Yeah. Perfect hair. Advertising Coke. And it's just someone like smiling, a woman in a bathing suit.

People would always say, why, Albert, you've got, there's not a hair out of place. They'd be so amazed with him. And he'd say, yeah, thank you. It's very important to me, neatness. But he also spoke. And he was like, thank you. It's what?

Accent came back. I sure it's wonderful to create so much mathematical magic here with you. The good folks here and then... I don't know if you can tell, but when I was... Where I'm from in Germany, I used to spend a lot of my... A small amount of money on hair tonics and combs. And then the second he discovered what quarks were... He saw it. The second in his mindarks were, he saw it.

The second in his mind's eye he saw the birth of light. He was like, aah! He discovered the exact shape of light. Neither particle nor wave. His head just went, boing! All the electricity cut out in his house, and his housekeeper went, aah! And then he just came downstairs with white hair, and she went, are you okay, Professor? And he just went, Putin Bin!

And then after that. His hair burst out, it was like when a Venus flight trap classes, doink, like you met in the middle, ah! Every famous photo. Putin Bin. Putin Bin. Putin Bin! Every photo that we think of of Einstein is put in bin. Yeah, exactly. When he's sticking his tongue out.

He's trying to lick a bin. You can't see the two people off-camera pulling him away from a bin. Yeah, he's like, aah. He just knew too much about science. From that moment on he could only interact with Bins. I like when someone is like that, is so smart, that their brain can't do anything else. It sort of feels like there's some character creation points.

We go, we use them all in intelligence. You've got 10 intelligence. And now you've got zero cooking. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Zero washing. You make a character on Fallout that's like plus 20 persuasion. So you can talk to all the mutants, but you can't like, you catch like one stray zombie scratch.

You're like, ah! You just rag doll off the screen. You can't carry anything. You can't do any maths. You're just incredibly charismatic. The ultimate salesman. Oh, they're not examples of that from history. I'm sure we've heard of people.

Cervantism, I suppose, is the purest. Where people just know so much it sort of destroys them. Destroys them. I feel like that happens in Christianity. People get like the old saints and stuff, we get like, so much, like St. Teresa of Avila, who had a vision of Christ, like, strangely sexual,

a vision of Christ stabbing, yeah, the ecstasy of Santa Teresa. If you guys want to see a horny statue, Google that. Yeah, it's pretty hot. It's not. I felt sick as I said that. She's getting like, her vision was that she was stabbed through the heart, or through the throat,

or something, through the gullet or something. It's something weird. And she describes the sort of. By glowing spear. Yeah, glowing fiery spear. And she is filled up of... It's like glowing spear. Yeah, glowing fiery spear of... And she is filled up with ecstasy. I mean, she says, I'm pretty sure it's like ecstasy, like orgasmic ecstasy that she feels. It's like there's so much enlightenment from Christ that she...

Holy Spirit. Yeah, she just bursts with sacred. Oh, I remember not like the liquid. I mean, you know, the sensation. I remember I'm talking to the comedian. What's wrong with discussed talking to Kieran Boyd, shout out to Kieran Boyd. Hello. Very good comedian friend of ours. He and he was saying that a friend of his told him about someone that they're at a Durham college who quote was so Smart that he couldn't eat Sort of obviously like a misreported understanding of this person. Yeah. Yeah, he's so smart. He can't eat

What do you need? I think he's got no appetite because it's too busy thinking Just yeah sat at the dinner table in the canteen with his head in his hands. Oh god I can't remember where I read it. It might have been in neuro tribes, which I also recommend But Or maybe it was in a temple grand and thing. There was someone who was nonverbal autistic or largely nonverbal. I think and they were They sort of seemed intellectually disabled, but they weren't. They could explain themselves if you gave them the right tools. And they said, like, the reason that they were sort of so exhausted all the time and like couldn't deal with things is that they couldn't, they couldn't macro perceive anything. They had to see everything details up.

So they said, if you took me into a new room and showed me a door, I wouldn't see a door. I'd see the screws on the handle, then the handle, then I'd see some of the bits, like the wood splinters, then I'd see the floor, then I'd see the frame and what that's made of. Then I would see, and it's like so much processing has to go to building up the picture of the door from like the atoms up as opposed to from door down. But was he then perceiving that at that speed? Or was that just he was perceiving at the same speed as a neurotypical person? Or that that it

was just that was the way around that his brain was? It was slower, right? Just but but but more detailed, right? So it was richer in a way, but not in a way that was useful necessarily. So it was a way kind of almost like a kind of mega perception, which would be very useful if you were, say, looking at something that was supposed to be detailed and needed focusing on. But when it's a door, it's just going to mean that you're exhausted by the time you've looked at a door and dealt with that in your own mind. Yeah. That's a rapid, a rapid binning off of the spoons. Yeah, yeah.

That person in the spoons model. Yeah, I should say I've got, I've actually got an article published in The Guardian before they've reviewed my comedy, which is quite fun. Yes. Oh really, what, they've not reviewed you? Oh never.

That's mental. The Observer gave me a crap one centers review last year, but The Guardian has never reviewed me. I've got quotes from them, cause they've sort of discussed me, but they wouldn't, they would never come. So strange. But The Guardian has never reviewed me. I've got quotes from them because they've sort of discussed me. But they wouldn't, they would never come. That's so strange.

For one of the smartest men in comedy, what, the smartest newspaper out there can't show up? The coolest boys can't look at the other cool boy. Yeah, exactly. Well, either way, I'll stick a link to the article in the description. It's a very good article. I was just complimenting Pierre on it just before we came here. Yes, at knife point. It's very, very article. I was just complimenting Pierre on it just before we came here. Yes, at knife point. It's very, very good.

At knife point. So what did you think? We're outside a hipster gelato place and I was like, what do you reckon? And it was a surprisingly big knife as well. It was like one of those, like, it was like a marine bowie knife. It's got like really deep ridges on one side and lethally sharp on the other. It's for dislodging rare clams. Yeah. It's an incredibly large kind of, oddly shaped,

because it's for diving gloves. Yeah, it's for those ancient Greek divers off Lemnos or something, going to take urchins. You're not supposed to really hold it in an ungloved hand. It's not made for that. Yes. No, so I'll stick a link to it. Yes, do give it a read.

It's very interesting. About autistic coding, just discussing like when a character in something is just obviously autistic I'll stick a link to it. But yes, do give a read. It's very interesting about autistic coding just discussing like when a character in something is just obviously autistic, and they won't admit it. Some reason because it makes them worried. Yeah. Yeah. I Yeah, that part of town, there was something like, I haven't been to LA, but there was something la ish about it. Because it's a grid system. That's exactly what I was thinking as well. There was

something. Yeah, you're rightqueria on the corner and kind of like low buildings. Very low. We're in like central Melbourne now and the buildings are really tall. It's like Lego City buildings, like everything's like a pure glass gigantic skyscraper, but in a really like small concentration. Yeah, it's like there's three clusters of seven skyscrapers. Yeah, and they've got labels on them that say, police. It's like Duplo. It literally is like that. As we were driving in, I was like, there's like a helipad on top and it just says police.

Like it's the slogan for police That's where you meet Batman. Like yeah exactly Phil and I discussed Ozzy Batman and that must be where That must be where Commissioner Gordo meets him Exactly. Watch out Batman. Either that or like officer Nick Brick from Lego Island is up there Just sort of walking around a very a very clean and plain Lego office It's a real shame that all Lego people have to go step. Yeah No, there's letters of fascist moment especially since it's some Danish which famously of course

invaded and occupied by the Nazis we have like King Christian the ninth in Lego just like You have like King Christian the Ninth in Lego, just like... I suppose if he's riding... Because he rode his horse around Copenhagen, didn't he? To sort of give heart to the people while they were occupied by the Nazis. But it would be... He can only walk like a Lego horse, which his legs don't move. So he just sort of wobbles side to side, forwards.

Hovers. Yeah. Slides. Sinisterly slides, like it's on wheels. I saw that. Like something from Insidious. Yeah, forwards. Hover. Yeah. Slides. Sinisterly slides, like it's on wheels. I saw that. I saw it from Insidious. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's going, he's shouting, take heart.

And everyone's just being sick, because they're so afraid of it. Lego-y goose stepping away from him in fear. Because they're all Lego as well. It's such a horrible sight that everyone has to start screaming put in bin, and all their hair goes white. I'm afraid.

There's such a funny response to something that frightens you. Putin, Putin bin. Oh God, Putin bin. Putin bin. Putin bin. You just see a spider, you don't like it. Oh, Putin bin. Someone comes in and puts the dossier in front of Churchill and

says, I'm afraid Denmark's been Putin binned. It's just a folder that says Denmark and someone just stamps it with a big stamp that just says put one of those like World War II stamps that just says put in bin. Put in bin. But in the same ways like stamp of like Operation Mint's top secret. Put in bin. Put in bin. Put in bin. But not even for...

For Intel that needs to be disposed of. Yeah, it's not even for disposal, like, burn after reading. Put in bin. So pathetic. Everyone in MI6 is saying, I think this is our worst stamp together. It's quite embarrassing. Surely we can update, there's some weird law from 1810

or something. When they had intelligences. It's something from, like, intelligences, like Francis Drake, who were working for Elizabeth I. And that Putin bin was just the way it was phrased, when they were gathering intel from the Spanish lowlands. Have you heard that we discussed on this podcast about the bag of the secrets?

No. You're going to fucking love this. The bag of the secrets. The bag of the secrets. Where is my phone? So in an attempt to sort of make The kind of secret documents sound like Latini. Hmm But like clearly in a context where there was just like no one knew enough Latin to make it correct

Right in English medieval government the baguette the secrets Was a store of secret documents. It originated as a leather sack, which the collection later out grew. Its name is a medieval Latin attempt at bag of secrets, which would more correctly have been saco secretorum. Yeah. So look, it's a baga de secretis.

Oh yeah, baga de secretis, or either baga de secretis or Baga de secretes. That's pathetic. Why did no one correct it as well? That's one of those things where the legislature took so long to travel because they had to look what needs to be called the Baga de Secrets. It's so funny. From London to Northumbria.

So we're going to send out a dispatch rider, but it's going to take gonna take Nine months to get to the other end of England. It's so by the time he gets there There's no way you can change it back Edward the fourth or someone just going right put it in the Bag of secrets is a bit lame. It's fucking embarrassing Oh that and he looks at a priest and it's one of those priests one of those medieval monks who's really just in it for like you know, footling about drinking. There's a priest.

What would that be in Latin, Father? It's a priest who has to look up because he's rapidly trying to scrub a bit of egg off his, off his, his mitre, his stole. He's kind of like, God's sake. He's staring at a passing woman and drinking a really big flag father he chokes a bit on his when he gets asked he chokes a bit on his drink because he wasn't expecting it he's like well that would be a bag of secrets bag of secrets bagger dare see can we just write it down, Father?

Yep, have you got a pen? Yep, so what is it again? Bag, bag, yeah, bagger, bagger, off, dare, dare, dare. We know that, don't we? Because there's loads of people in court that will deviate then. Yeah, we're all bilingual French at this point. So dare is off, isn't it?

Yeah. We all know that. And then secrets. He's saying that in like loads of people in court. Yeah, we're all bilingual French at this point. So dares off isn't it? Yeah, we all know that. And then secrets. He's saying that in like loads of other nervous nights. And then he goes, secret secreties secreties. Are you spelling that with it? Is that es secretes or is? Second one. Second one. Second second one secreties secret secret secreties baggie of secret secret little baggie of secrets little baggie of secrets so euphemism for drugs yeah you got the baggie of secrets yeah you got the old baggie of secrets who's got the baggie of secrets yeah I smuggled the bag of secrets into the club in my bumhole where are we going

to put this some instructions for the order of Mary the first order the bag of secrets into the club in my bumhole. Where are we going to put this instructions for the order of Mary the First, order of the murder of Mary the First? Probably in the bag of the secrets. The bag of the secrets. It's so funny to me, bag of the secrets. I cannot believe it's more of a secret. That's so lazy. And that it just stayed like that.

Yeah, something like the bag of the secrets, like he says, he's drinking fortified wine. He's still eating while he tells them. But he says the thing, if you're drinking something like the Bag of the Secrets, like he says, he's drinking like, he's drinking fortified wine. He's still eating while he tells them. But he says that thing where if you're drinking something like booze and you sort of inhale the evaporating alcohol, where you sort of go, yeah, Bag of the Secrets, I think. He coughs like that drunk mouse from The Rescuers. Yeah. He's drinking that stone jug with like three X's on it.

Yeah. When I was a kid I used to love, pretend, I'd like drink some juice and go... That's right, yeah. He's got like flames coming out of his mouth because the liquor is so strong. Liquor, yeah exactly, it's moonshine. It's a stone jug. Hooch that he's drinking out of a big stone jug. A stone jug.

And then it's a sort of jug that later on you see someone playing as an instrument. Yeah In time to someone playing one of those wash what we're drawing boards. Yeah. Yeah Jugga to secret Do you get a music juggernaut music? We got the bug of the secrets that juggernaut music you're gonna booze ease the bag of the sandwich the pocket of a key The Bagada Secrets, the Jugada Music, the Bagada Sandwich, the Pucka Debucky. We really shouldn't have left Brother Boozy in charge of coming up with all these terms. He always says now he's put in Bane ever since he went to Lourdes. He inhaled too much of those booze vapours. You know, I did that once when I went to visit our friend from university when he was at

Finlay who when he was studying at Leuven in Belgium, which is a big Catholic university, there's a lot of Catholic theological studies there and I think seminaries there as well. And that being said, this was where they brew Stella Artois and it is the... I've never been to a boozier city in my life. And there's a town square in Leuven where the challenge is you have to have one drink in every one of the bars on that town square. And I think we made it about a third of the way around, a very small square, before I was, I mean, really throwing up in a bin.

And what threw me over the edge is that Finlay was like, there's this place that does cocktails, like fancy cocktails. And I was like, the wisdom you can only have when you're 21, 22 or whatever it was, being like, yeah, that'll probably even us out a bit after the 18 pints of freshly brewed Belgian lager we've drunk. And we had this cocktail that they like set fire to it and then put a glass over it so

that it spewed forth this green smoke and they were like steam and they were you have to inhale the steam as before you drink the cocktail right and I inhaled the steam and I have never it all almost all in one motion that I threw my head back drank the steam put the glass down, using the momentum of my head that I'd thrown back to, hurl myself forward to go out of the door of the bar, straight out into the street, and then completing the semicircle movement of the head, throwing up into a bin. Like that, I've never,

I can still feel how sick that made me feel. It was like a sort of the same motion, your whole body did the same motion as someone drawing their hand back and throwing a ball. Yeah, that's exactly it. It was like a slow motion of a cricket ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a montage of me moving

through several different memory landscapes of my life. I was too quickly from one point in space time to another extreme too quickly. Well, you're lucky you didn't put in bend. That's what I screamed as I threw up. Put in bend. As you inhaled the steam, you saw how neutrons worked. I just saw the birth of galaxies.

As soon as it hit my lungs, like, what? And then right to put in the put and bin. The only reason you're fine now is because you did put in bin. Yeah, exactly. You were immediately sick. I took Einstein's advice. He knew what he was talking about. We know that now.

Now we should check the Bagada emails, I guess. Oh, yeah. Bagada correspondencies. Ring letters. Keep emails. Emails. Buzz. Phone calligraphy. Toilets. Jacking Correspondencies. We have heard from Phoebe. Phoebe, the sun god, or sun goddess I suppose if it's Phoebe. Phre, the sun, yeah, the sun god, right? Phoebus is Apollo, Apollo-Phoebus.

Actually, I think Phoebus is a suffix to Apollo. I think the Romans called him Apollo-Phoebus, which I think is Apollo, he that pulls the sun. Apollo-Sun-Guy. Because he's not necessarily Sun-Guy, is he really, Apollo? that pulls the Sun Apollo Sun guy cuz he's not necessarily Sun guy. Is he really Apollo? He's more rules the music and music and arts guy and then they kind of made him Sun guy as well He's music and arts and then there's another weird thing. I know it was quite there's always one extra thing Is he just got like music art and omelets? Yeah

What they go? Yeah, it doesn't matter. He's music arts and car repair Yes, well, sometimes they'll be like, oh Athena's a yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, And he's the god of battle. He's the god of war. She's the god of combat He's the god is fighting You can't come I can't do this. She's the goddess of helmets. He's the god of wearing a helmet This is like modern philosophy Anyway, hello Phoebe. Sorry to have dragged you into Mythology you might not even like the Greeks and Romans. No, you might not. Who wouldn't though? Yeah.

Phoebe's subject line is, everything's computer. You remember Donald Trump saying that the other day? Donald Trump climbing into a car like he's never been in a car before. And saying, well, everything's computer. But even the way he said the word computer, he sounded a bit like he got like a block nose like a granddad Everything's computer like he'd never said the word computer before like he was looking into the Sun as he said the word computer He must be one of those people that like Tony Blair has like never had an email address

Yeah, even though they're a modern person just they were so important when email became widespread. It was never their problem. Yeah. Yeah Everything's computer everything's that's that that's put in bin. Yeah, yeah. Everything's computer. Everything's computer. That's put in bin. Yeah, that's put in bin. Same language style. There will be, in 50 years, there will be pictures of Donald Trump on bins in Melbourne. Saying everything's computer. Everything's computer, including the bin.

That's when lithium batteries have become so widespread that they have to dispose of them in the street. You can't use the bin until it's charged So Phoebe says hello buddy pods now everything really is computer. I've started noticing dodgy AI adverts So AI generated yeah, you know, I've noticed that too Yeah, so she says are we all to just accept this? She says tonight I was served this ad so It's a picture of, it's a sort of modernist looking corner of a table.

The background's quite blurry. It's a sort of table and then behind it looks like a kind of courtyard of a nice house in a hot country. There's a kind of plant and a little bit of beige wall. And on the table is the product right and it's I'm gonna say glowing a glowing pod that's what that's what it a glowing pod this is sort of glowing pod it calls itself an air berry okay that immediately sounds it looks like that how would you describe that yeah Yeah. Star Trek prop. Yeah, like, yeah. Modern, modern pointless kitchen accessory.

Yeah, you look at that and you go, that could be one of those things that claims to instantly dice an onion. Yes. Or a sort of a little microwave just for garlic. Are you, are you sick of garlicelling up your microwave for the normal stuff It's a garlic softener because there's suddenly a trend on Instagram that says if you soften your garlic it breaks down your starch Molecules better. Yeah, or you could flash freeze a load of berries. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very nitrogen Yeah, it looks like an Alexa with a kind of glowing portal inside a glowing

Perspex mouth. Yeah. A sort of... It's a haunted Alexa. A haunted Alexa. It's a haunted Alexa. Alexa skeleton. Mmm, yeah.

Yeah. Nice. And the caption is, oh my. Right, so that's quite odd. It begins with, oh my, exclamation mark. Your house is dry bathroom. I'm not quite sure on the intonation that the advert wants from me. Your house is dry bathroom.

Your house is dry bathroom. There's such a rapid and inappropriate sequence of exclamation marks. Oh my, your house is dry bathroom. Oh my, your house is dry bathroom or oh my your house is dry bathroom And what's odd is that dry bathroom is in quotes. That's very it's very close to put in bin Oh dry bathroom is in quote mark. It's in little quote marks as if to say your house is dry bathroom But the quote marks include the question mark. It's as if dry bathroom is a current popular But the quote marks include the question mark. It's as if dry bathroom is a current popular phrase

or style for when something's bad. It's like saying, what's the name for the art style in Barcelona? Yeah. Oh, I know what you mean. Modernist or gaudy. Yeah, something like that Dry bathroom is like art deco art deco. Yeah. Yeah, it's like saying Dry bathroom period my house is very we've we've just tried to set it up to be as dry bathroom as possible

Yeah, but it also just sound it sounds negative though. It's which is weird because I would I Don't want a wet moist horrible bathroom. No, like in every bathroom is designed to maximize this fans Yeah, windows are open extractors. Yeah, you want your bathroom to be dry. But that's suggesting that dry bathroom is a bad thing. And that is like, like dry bathroom is it's as if it's decided that's a common slang phrase like people say, Oh, we went out last night with Bob, but he brought Janine along so it was all about yeah She's just a bit. She's all right. She's just a bit dry bathroom. She's a bit of a dry bathroom. Yeah

Yeah, right. Okay, or she or dry bathroom is like an adjective in itself. She is dry bathroom It's quite dry bathroom. Honestly, it was so dry about saying hard work I mean you talk to Jen's Edders and they yeah, they're like that's so something you like it's what now. Sorry. Yeah The problem is that Joe Biden was really dry bathroom. Yeah. Okay Okay Kamala is the dry bathroom. It sounds like She is the dry bathroom. It sounds like you're trying to sort of gaslight someone who you hate But when you visit their house, but there's nothing wrong with their house. Oh

My your house is dry bathroom. Yes. You've got quite a dry bathroom. I don't I'm sure you already know. But it's quite dry in there. And then you sort of go, God, is this supposed to be wet? It's actually really passe to be dry bathroom. Yes. So it's wet kitchen. It should be wet kitchen. You should be a socket kitchen. It says Oh my, your house is dry bathroom. And then underneath like a subtitle in little yellow letters. It says it's perfect to turn it on after taking a shower.

It's perfect to turn it on after taking a shower. and it's immediately followed by the greater than mathematical symbol unclear why and Then in huge a huge like yellow stamp like the food prices printed permanently onto Iceland frozen food Massive yellow stamp in black letters. It just says 50%. Hahaha. Unclear what the percentage refers to. The price or the volume or the size. The wetness or the dryness.

So it says, oh my, your house has a dry bathroom. It's perfect to turn it on after taking a shower, 50%. That's like, you know when you have a dream and you are understanding what someone's saying to you, but when you try and remember what they said when you wake up, you can't make it make sense to someone you're trying to explain it to. No, you're saying, no, it was dry. The bathroom was dry. He was really surprised that my house was dry bathroom. And then

he he gave me this thing and it's how do I describe it? It's perfect. It's perfect to turn it on. When you've had a shower, you know, 50% and your partner's looking at you like what? And as you're waking up you're trying to explain it to your partner like when you're sat up in bed like first thing You're realizing the more you talk that the sense fades and you realize it's gibberish and you just go it doesn't matter It doesn't matter. And then the second you go, oh it doesn't matter, it doesn't make sense It evaporates from your memory and you can't remember any of the dreams. It's just gone. It's gone forever. Fun fact. I actually got a message about last week's podcast from my

fiance, because she was listening to us talking about her clonking her rice in a bowl while she was clonking rice in a bowl by complete coincidence. So it's very good. Thank you very much, Phoebe. We're going to now migrate to the bonus zone for the patrons. Thank you very much for listening to this Melbourne based podcast here in this slightly odd little room that they keep us in. And if you heard any kind of bangs and and flushes something was happening in the corridor so

many flushes in this hotel. I someone's really going to town on the flushes above my room at the moment. But I'll tell you what, listeners, I actually really like it. Because to me, it imitates the rain noise of nature, which I put on my phone anyway in order to fall asleep. It's like you're near the coast, as opposed to living below, shitting Terry.

Absolutely thumping plops into the porcelain. Every 10 minutes on the 10 minutes, another turd. I was just looking at my watch at 1509. Oh, God. He must only eat muesli. Here it comes. This level of regularity should be unachievable for anything but the most superhuman of humans. It's a scientific miracle. Every time he completes one, it just says, put it in bed. When you check in, they say, we're very proud to have shitting Terry Living here. It's uh, do you know his work? He's been with us for decades

He's here for the festival It's cabaret of a kind It's big in certain spaces. It is really big in Estonia. To some people he's very famous