Chainsaw History - No Time For Love Doctor Jones #1: Egypt 1908

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

It's the first regular episode of our brand-new limited series from Chainsaw History: "No Time For Love Doctor Jones" — where Jamie Chambers takes his skeptical sister Bambi on a journey through the fictional life of Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr.—better known as Indiana Jones. In today's episode, our hosts dive into The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles starting with the first half of "Curse of the Jackal."Gorgeous Egyptian landscapes are shot and historical creative liberties are taken (both Lawrence of Arabia and Howard Carter are featured before they would have been in Egypt) in order to teach kids about mummies and ancient tombs. The royal architect, Ka, was a "juicy" mummy taken to Italy in real life.Designed for fans and newcomers alike, "No Time For Love Doctor Jones" promises entertainment and real-world history as we follow the evolution of cinema's most iconic archaeologist and whip-cracking hero!

Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love! We've got company! ["Turkish Song"] Well, hello, young lady. Eh. I'm a violent old man who likes to terrorize children in museums. Eh. What was I saying? Errr?

Did I tell you about that time I was trapped in a nuclear test site? That's fucking ridiculous. Lucky for me, there was a fridge. So, welcome to our first official episode of No Time for Love, Dr. Jones, where we follow the fictional adventures of Dr. Henry Walton Jones Jr. as he bounces off of real-world history and important figures. With his... yeah, he had to leave the dog indie behind.

I am your host, Jamie Chambers, and this is my sister, Bambi, being forced along this little ride. Yeah, you know. Or the mine cart ride. Like, yeah, like, short round in the mine cart. That's me. Like, short round, you're... You're dragged against your will. I don't feel like short round was dragged against his will, actually.

I feel like he was there willingly for some reason. Where was he gonna go without Indiana Jones, like, feeding him? There's an argument to be made that was child slavery. There is... I have so many questions about short round. We could have an entire fucking, like, philosophical conversation about short round. Short round will not even be... Why he was there and what the fuck happened to him.

He will not even be born for quite a while yet. So, once again, no time for love. Dr. Jones is bonus content. They will normally be given to our beloved $5 or more subscribers. Bonuses. We love you. But, if this episode will be given away for free to everyone, so you can actually see what this sort of thing is gonna be like as we talk about Indiana Jones.

We're gonna... So, if you are one of the $5 or higher subscribers, you will get the entire series of No Time for Love, Dr. Jones, and all of the value of series where Bambi and I read each other God-awful historical biographies written for children in the 1980s. It's good times. Well, not really for me, but... So, in our episode zero, we talked a little bit about the development of Young Indiana Jones,

and it premiered on television in 1992 with a TV movie titled Young Indiana Jones on the Curse of the Jackal, first aired on March 4, 1992. I was there. Does that make you feel old? As a two-hour TV movie to introduce the series. So, it features a plot that awkwardly ties together the murder committed at an archaeological dig in Egypt with the Mexican Revolution seven years later, and so that the audience could meet both little kid Indiana Jones

plus the teenage version played by Sean Patrick Flannery. Which is much better. Right. However, we're only gonna be covering the first half today. Of course we are. And because we're following his adventures chronologically, we have to just... We're gonna have to hold on to some of the plot threads from here, and just like Indiana Jones, have to wait a while to get any kind of resolution.

So, today, however, we are... The one thing we're not gonna do in chronological order, though, is the introductions by Old Indy, because I have done the work for our dear listeners. If you go on YouTube, you can look for a YouTube channel called Young Indy Restored that has episodes of the show that have been kind of re-edited together with the original intros and outros, and they've tried to do as much of the narration as possible.

There was even a commercial. Yeah, they tried to make it as close to the original experience of watching it in 1992 as possible, and it's free. So, once again, just look for Young Indy Restored on YouTube if you want to follow along with us as we go through the adventures of Dr. Jones until Disney finds out and then shuts their... And shuts us down. Well, not us down.

What we're doing is completely legal. This is called fair use. We were talking about something, you know, talking about in educational terms. We're good. However, these are just copyrighted material, just completely repackaged and re-eared on a paid YouTube channel. So, yeah, that's pretty blatant. I just don't know if they care enough about Young Indiana Jones,

because they don't... They probably don't. It's not even on Disney Plus right now. Well, of course not. I'm sure they're very ashamed of it. I think the only way you can get it right now is to either order like Blu-rays or to buy it on Amazon, like the on-demand. Yeah, I don't feel like buying it on Amazon.

No, I like watching it for free on YouTube. Way to go. So, now we're going to start with our very first section called... I don't know. I'm making this up as I go. So, in this section, we're going to just go over the plot of the episode and, you know, give our overview. So, this is it. This is the first time we're introduced to Young Indiana Jones on television on March of 1992.

So, our adventure begins. You might remember in 1992, which at the time, it was in modern day, which is sort of jarring. You watch Young Indiana Jones and suddenly you just see a museum somewhere. You see a bunch of kids on like a school field trip. Yeah, and honestly, they look like kids now. Yeah, it was just a very... It's like, it was kind of interesting.

It was like, they didn't really prep the audience that you're just going to look... Looks like the museum down the street with ordinary looking kids in a field trip. But then we see a couple little kids get bored and just like run irresponsibly fast down the hallway. They didn't want to learn about mummies. They did not want to learn about mummies or Egypt or anything like that. And you hear, even though it is definitely not John Williams music, they try to do the little Indiana Jones musical nod of... You call it Mickey Mousing, where the music kind of follows the action

when it's kind of meant to be humorous. So this almost has a little cartoony sound. So you hear... The little kids are running down the hall. It's kind of trying to trick us into liking the kids, despite them being assholes. It doesn't work. It does not work on someone because a cane comes out of frame and trips these little bastards and they fall in their face.

So, and then a grizzled old man with an eyepatch steps into frame. Okay, I have to be able to describe him. Please describe this person that... First of all, because even before I watched it in my head, I was like, this guy looks just like Mad Eye Moody, because when I saw Mad Eye Moody, that is what I saw. It was Old Indy. Which Harry Potter was he first in?

He was in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was the first one. And then... And then from Pretty Person then on out, yeah. Yeah, and so... So yeah, imagine this guy you're seeing. He's wearing this oversized fedora. He's got an eyepatch, but glasses over the eyepatch. Yeah, like a magical eye.

It catches the light and he is gnarled as fuck, just like a tree. And he steps out and he goes, Why aren't you kiddin' Clash? And then they're like, Oh geez, Mr. Man. So the old man obviously is Indiana Jones. And talk about hypocrisy. Indiana Jones is the teacher who was never in his own class.

And one time we saw him sneak out of a window rather than have a conversation with even a single one of his own students. So Dr. Jones is such a fucking hypocrite at this point. And then when you find out about his life, 100% hypocrite considering the bullshit he pulls as a kid. Well, honestly, I feel like he just escaped from the home. Oh yeah. And they're gonna send a search party looking for him.

Honestly, I think that's the unspoken plot of every episode. Is Squirrely Old Indiana Jones escapes from the nursing home once again. And then right after the credits roll, you see some dudes in white coats come and grab him, jacket him and drag him back one more time. See, that's the part that we needed. God damn Nazis! So anyway, yeah, he's a good kid.

And interesting to note though, he is wearing a bow tie at this point, which was his father's signature neck wear. Oh, he does. He's dressed just like his father. Yeah, except for he keeps his hat, which is why it's funny. Yeah, later on, you see Shia LaBeouf try to take his hat

and even Harrison Ford snatches it away. And so canonically, nobody gets his hat. He wears the hat for the rest of his fucking life and then he's buried with it. For the record, Shia LaBeouf does not deserve the hat. Shia LaBeouf deserves lots of things that are not the hat. He needs, he needs help, Jamie. Electric shock therapy,

called ice water baths. Hey, now. Full frontal. Hey, now. The creole, the bottomy. Let's not talk about, let's not talk about the crazy house right now, okay? I made an entire t-shirt that I sold.

I made a couple of grand offers, Shia LaBeouf's crazy. So not too many complaints. So anyway, little kids get tripped by this old bastard who's yelling at them and they just completely shit on the museum. This place is full of old junk. This place stinks.

I cannot stress this to you enough. The old man raises his cane and goes, I'm in a clobber. I mean, he threatens to beat these old kids. He's already assaulted them once. He's committed a number of crimes in the first 30 seconds. He's on this show. And again, and that's,

that's after he escaped from the home. And my favorite part is if you just look in the background, there's just people walking by in the background. This is all guys yelling at and just like raising his fist with a cane about to just beat these kids and he literally just cows them into submission. They're like, okay, okay, be cool, man. It's like literally they don't want to be killed.

They do not want to be beaten by a fucking crazy old knurled tree. So we're going to see many crimes in this episode, but so many crimes. But this is the first and we're like, so we're 30 seconds in and Dr. Jones has assaulted and threatened children. So he orders the kids to stay with him while he sits his old ass down.

And then in the middle of this, his, this dementia-ridden old fossil, he like forgets what he was talking about. He's like, what was I saying? And then at the kids at any sense at all, like in that moment, they would have just fucking bolted. He couldn't have gotten up from that bench very fast. And he would have forgotten what was going on anyway.

But instead they were stupid enough to remind him and then suddenly he's like, oh yeah, I was born across the river. And he gives his birthday, which was a, you know, a Canonically July 1st, 1899 says it was in New Jersey. And then like by the clues, I was able to piece together that we are in the Penn Museum in Philadelphia, which happens to house one of the largest

Egyptian collections in the United States. That's very cool. So that's how much of a nerd I am because I literally looked on a fucking map and figured it out. Good for you, Jamie. But yeah, I love the time period that he was born in. I love the turn of the century. It's, it's very interesting.

And it's also very interesting on how things never really changed. So this is how much I love you $5 or more subscribers is I literally went on Google Maps and hunted around for half an hour to figure out where this museum could be. And it could have easily just been bullshit. They could have been nothing. I could have wasted hours of my life. But no, it's legit.

It literally is one of the largest Egyptian collections and it all matches. So as this old fart rambles on, it can help remember that remember that Indiana Jones was introduced to us in Raiders of the Lost Ark and we first see him. He is just this silent figure you only see from the back and he just says almost nothing.

Like he cracks a gun out of somebody's hand with a bull whip before he even says a few lines and that whole first part of the movie. He's a man of few words. And so you have to imagine like, and he doesn't say anyone. It does talk. He doesn't sound anything like this.

Like George Hall famously decided he didn't even want to watch Harrison Ford's performances. He wasn't going to try to do an impression. He was just like, I'm going to be just this crotchety old man. So it's like in our heads. We have to somehow figure out how he became this old fucking windbag. Actually, I don't think that that's what happened.

I think that he was probably like one of the side kick of Remy character. Like, oh, this is he's just some guy that Indiana Jones knew and he has dementia so badly. He thinks this is short round after cosmetic surgery and brain damage. Something like that piece of his brain missing from the having to stab in the eye.

He became the hero. It makes no sense to me. The Indiana Jones would even know to be 90 years old. He should be very dead. But you know, weirdly enough, now we're going to see a really old Harrison Ford version and dial a destiny, which is why like I said, George Hall's been erased from the timeline, but I reject that we're going.

We're going to have an old ass indie. So old indie tells us that his father was a really smart respected professor of medieval studies and that his mother was a living saint on earth, perfect in every way. No other woman could ever compare. And all of this tracks with his daddy issues. Oh, no, like honestly, if you actually follow this along, like his feelings about his parents explain a lot about

his like later life in a bunch of different ways. So in the beginning as he's narrating, he gets into all these little wholesome and early 1900s adventures. So he's like skipping class to play with his dog Indiana. I love the dog scenes. They're so cheesy. And once again, that's a nod to that that they always make it a Malamute, which is the original Indiana that George

Lucas had back in the 70s was a man was an Alaskan Malamute. So you see him break in playing like, you know, well, it's not even backyard baseball. It's like side street baseball and break a window. He sent his dog up to die in a hot air balloon, which they and they didn't show it come back down. So it's like after that, it's like goodbye. Well, remember, you see River Phoenix has a Malamute as he

just runs right by very briefly and Indiana Jones and last Crusade, but you got to figure that's like Indiana three by now, like, I don't think that's the same dog. I think he just killed that first dog in the hot air balloon. He could be on several by now. And again, he even mentions at the end of this particular episode that he had to get back to his dog. Yeah, he loves his dog so much.

He just he would much rather be named after his dog than his own father. And like I said, there's a little bit of psychology there, but you know, I also get it too. Like I do I do know plenty of people who went through their teenage years and they grabbed a nickname either given to them or picked it for themselves. Call me this now.

Like our own dad was called Jay for years. Like like through his teenage years and like into his middle 20s before he went back to being called like Jim or Jimmy. He was Jay. So well, I have, you know, I've never been called anything but baby. And when I do have to use my real regular name, it's almost like an alias.

I mean, I go by my Jamie is my nickname technically too. So, you know, it's where but the but we always went by it whereas he very specifically rejected his father's name and picked his dogs. So that just tells you something about a person and that his dead mother is so sainted in his memory like no woman can compare. So he just he just goes through them real fast.

They're just tissues. They're a single episode or a movie and then that's it. So we so you have more little rascals adventures. You see him on a railroad tracks with a little homemade little car that he has buddies made the electrocutes himself on a bicycle and so the electrocution scene was so cheesy. Liz's hair stood up straight yet the big surprise look on his face all the other kids.

They could have given the dog was parking. It was bad acting. They could have given the kids some real voltage. Come on. Okay. This kids acting is so bad. We might as well name him Anakin. Let's address it now.

George Lucas is terrible at picking child actors. Oh my God. The most wooden performers. You do not believe for a moment anything. It's it's really sad because it's like a it's a child being played by a child that's never met another child and that child also has like some kind of autism. So it doesn't quite grasp.

So yeah, he's so bad. So for point it to to be clear so to make this easier for us so whenever we're talking about nine or 10 year old version we're just going to call him Henry because everyone in the show does at this point. He his dog is Indiana and he's he's Henry or when his dad started to junior junior which yeah, I would hate someone that called me junior all the time too.

So yeah, we were told by by old Indies narration that Dr. Jones senior got invited onto a big lecture tour in 1908. So they ditched the dog for a two year trip around the world. So then at Oxford they pick up Miss Seymour who was a former tutor of Henry senior which by the way she kind of looks like the old school Marm just like Professor McGonagall very very classic English governor. Oh yes, like so much like like dressed all button up and very

and Professor McGonagall is a extension of that stereotype to the very prissy older older British face educator woman who's here to make sure children behave and learn something no yes yes yes and Miss Seymour so because they're dragging their kid around the world Dr. Henry Jones senior it is not going to let his son's education slide. He gets the most hardcore teacher on planet Earth the one who made him such a pain in the ass.

Yeah, he picks that lady and again she didn't even work with younger students. She she claims that in the show. I don't well she's like he's too young. I am the boy needs a governor son. I am a teacher but then he uses his he basically seduces her with his his Scottish way. She's like hello money printing.

He's like wouldn't you like to see the great peer mage it's so bad make it stop. She's a great wall of China and she starts undoing her blows. So gross like the next thing you know she's all on board. So she's there and Kid Indy hates it. Oh, he calls her how many times did he call her a witch just in this one he yeah he referred to her as the wicked witch. Yes, and it's so weird because he always sort of refers her

like he hates her guts but acts like he adores her most of the time when he's with her. So it's kind of hard to say it's sort of Stockholm syndrome. I think well yeah and though yeah because you the way he described her was with zero love where this kid obviously I mean that was the only real affection I saw yeah in the show loves this woman way more than his father. That's for sure for real Z now he adores his mother and but

yeah ridiculous unhealthy point but let's face it. Ms. Seymour is basically a plot device so she's there to A help explain why later on Indiana Jones has this like incredible range of knowledge because they shoot into the show's credit they show her just like any time they have downtime he is forced to read a book he is forced to be studying if they're on a boat she is just doing lessons even as they're rocking around like like they at least sell the fact that he is caught like

if they're not doing something he is constantly being forced to study which is yeah this now granted I'd say the kid had no fun but but we only got to see the fun parts. Yeah so it also gives them this is also a show excuse for the educational dialogue that George Lucas was all about by having a teacher they're like Henry what is the history of this or what is that over there and then he's he's forced to give the answers and it's sort of a more organic way for them to shove

all that knowledge into the into the story other than having random characters spouting exposition all the time. Yeah well and then he gives our the beautiful speech at the dinner table it's an excuse that they can break away from the parents and you just have Miss Seymour with young Indy or Miss Seymour with young Indy because being with the parents would have been boring as shit. Yeah plus once again Dr. Jones was very busy and he clearly

wanted his wife with him and couldn't give a shit over and over he's very clear he's fine if junior goes off and does whatever. Yeah as long as mom sitting at his elbow and it's sort of hilarious too because even though Miss Seymour was like I am not a governess and all that but she ultimately she is totally his babysitter all the time. Yeah that woman never has a moment off. God knows what what Dr. Jones senior has to do for that woman in order to keep her on board.

Rose so let's not think about it. Yeah you know in this episode you don't get much of the mom yet just a few little lines of dialogue and she's very soft-spoken. Oh Henry are you dressed up or you have this one? Don't don't upset your father you know how he gets when he drinks. Yeah and she wears these big floral hats. Mom doesn't say a damn word when dad is speaking. She's terrified. She just sits there quietly and calmly. You see him all buttoned up like reading all

the time and you know how Sean Connery was very famously quoted is when he was like the reporter asked are you think it's okay to hit a woman he's like what depends on the circumstances if there was marriage. Sometimes you have to slap a bitch you know it's just like so it just kind of makes sense that Dr. Jones senior. See this is one of the reasons why when you are like oh I don't understand why you wouldn't like Indiana Jones so much I'm like cuz it's nothing

but misogyny. Oh it is riddled with misogyny. Oh it's horrible. It's hard to choke down even when I was a child I was like there's nothing here for me. I mean we'll get to it and when we talk about Raiders of the Lost Ark but it's introduced with the fact that he had an inappropriate relationship. I mean the exact line was I was a child I was in love it was wrong and you knew it and it's like that doesn't tell us very good things about Henry Jones junior.

No. He messed around with his teachers underage daughter when he was like in his 20s and that's not okay. No Sean Patrick Flannery. However we're but nine year old Indy is guilty of none of these crimes yet. Yet. However you like once again. Oh but he's he he's already like mischievous. There are some terrifying implications about what Dr. Jones senior might be like cuz he like he said his wife is scared of him. Um so little Henry has distractingly not blue

eyes. I said this kid Corey has very hazel eyes that sometimes almost look brown and you know I don't know. Yeah and the fact that he is sort of Pinocchio and he's a wooden puppet. Yeah doesn't help just it's just terrible so during so bad during a nine day trip across the Mediterranean. This is the scene you're talking about. Henry has a little bit of fun at the dinner table. Oh he gives this huge long speech about mummification and grossing everybody out. Yeah how you

take out the brains and the organs and detail and I the one thing I love about it is dad doesn't say a word in the whole scene. People are getting up. He's grossing everybody out. The ship's rocking pretty much to the point where everyone leaves except for little Henry and his dad and it's kind of amazing. He just looks at him. It's like proud of yourself Junior. Well no what's great is he flips it in reverse because he's sitting there. He's reading a book

but he was listening and then he was like it was a nice little speech Junior and then he's like now eat your tripe and then suddenly like a little Henry grossed himself out and then he runs out of the room to puke over the side just like everybody else for the record and then maybe it was just the tripe and well no because in Dr. John senior just sits there and just keeps on eating reading his books like a lash some peace and goddamn quiet. Anyway he he is

unfazed by any of this. So then we get the the traditional Indiana Jones map with a red line thing that takes us finally to this Alexandria and then they make their way to Cairo which is a city we first saw in Indies first film Raiders of the Lost Ark. So then Miss Seymour takes Henry to see the monuments the pyramids and the Sphinx and she decides she wants to climb the pyramids to catch a straight view which is like sort of jarring or like with

old lady wearing a long ass dress like oh come on Henry we're going to climb one of the great pyramids. Yes yes yes yeah and he's like way behind her this geriatric old bitty but she's moving like I know I mean while he's like oh God he's this little kid he's this little kid struggle with little fingers and but the one they have a little learn a dialogue where little Henry expresses concern because she didn't pay their guide who had their camels as much as he wanted and

she's just just basically she's a very British colonizer. She's like don't you know these people negotiating is what she he'll be grateful for what I have given him by the time we get down and it's just sort of this very contrived excuse and to get up there you see this gorgeous scenery because they filmed on location the scenery and this I cannot stress how good the cinematography was well now they had such long good shots of the pyramids of Giza one of the things George

Lucas did not skimp on this show and they shot this this show in 25 countries it was like on location shooting you got to I mean they shot the actual fucking pyramids you know they they went to some of these places anyway they go up in the top of the pyramids check out the gorgeous view and then the camel guy the guide with the camels gets pissed because she's a cheapskate and he takes off and then they scramble down the side of the pyramids and she's asking the child what

shall we do and all the little kids like come back with our camels yeah man golly gee whiz oh it's so bad I cannot stress enough how bad this kid was and then it's like yes some is Seymour's casual racism almost gets them killed but then a strange figure comes from the distance we see him writing with the setting sun coming behind him this this figure on a bicycle wearing a gentleman's suit but a turban wrapped around his head and so of course it could be none other

than our first historical figure Lawrence of Arabia absolutely so yes with Mr. Lawrence who who insists called me Ned yeah yeah he was a student yeah we found out that he also was also one of Miss Seymour's former students who just happened to run into her on the side of the pyramids and also is a fan of Dr. Jones senior's books so he's like oh I've read your father's books they are brilliant so yeah yeah and so yeah they offer to help he offers to help them of course

and then yeah because she's like oh whatever shall we do and he's like gather up some camel dung and make jolly show we don't catch cold that's right cheerio pip pip and he's so like the most like cliche like British gentleman but also like I said he's he's got this little heart of an adventure and again they did resist the eyeliner I was expecting the hardcore eyeliner but they didn't go for it and I was sad they should have they should have just went full on but

it's interesting too now even though Steven Spielberg had no direct involvement in this Lawrence of Arabia the film is is famously his favorite movie of all time and is a you know is a masterpiece of like classic golden age Hollywood I do recommend it and Lawrence of Arabia himself a pretty cool pretty cool dude however well wouldn't know it from this when we get to a later section we'll talk about how he relate now this guy relates to the actual dude a little bit

so anyway they're they're they're they're building their poop fire and and Lawrence tells Henry just how how fucking cool it is to crack open a tomb for the first time and you know it's like you're breathing the same air as and you'll see the footsteps of the men who built the tomb and the dust and Henry's like getting enchanted and suddenly his eyes light up in that first interest in archaeology is born right then and there and that says maybe you'll add a new page to

history or find some treasure without price oh that's what he wants he wants the treasure ding ding ding that's the first but then he warns little Henry that archaeologists never get rich and he swears that they totally aren't these robbing graves but oh we're opening up the past we are not invading other countries and taking their treasures no no no we British would never do such a thing because it belongs in a museum just in a museum or maybe a rich person's

house you know that's about to say they're totally too wrong is what he said so then that gets into the various religious beliefs about the afterlife so he talks about the Muslim paradise is a delightful place especially if you're a man well that's because you know she was giving this lecture about heaven yes and and Catholicism and la la and he was like yeah because they started with them talking about the money they believed about why that they

because why do you keep stuff after you die you know why the mummies need need treasure and stuff in their team and it was related to this whole like philosophical religious conversation but then little Ned decides to be fun to make little Henry poop his pants by telling him a scary story right before bed hilarious so he's like talking about you could ask your mummy if he comes back to life when he's walking at you shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle and he's just being

creepy as fuck a little Henry's ended up with a spoon going and this comes to bite everyone in the ass later on so Ned scares the shit out of Henry who has who just has nothing but nightmares all night screaming and crying and then the next day Ned invites them to go up river with him to the Valley of the Kings to where his buddy name drop Howard Carter Howard Carter is engaged in a before this is the dig before this is early Howard Carter who we'll once again

we will talk about him in a little bit more but Howard Carter's engaged in a dig and Lawrence is invited to hang along and he invites Miss Seymour and Henry so Henry has to ask his father for permission and Dr. John senior gives him a blank journal to keep and chronic all his travels is you write down anything that interests you or excites you or is noteworthy and again mom wasn't even allowed to show excitement or any kind of expression she just

knew yes sat there with her hands folded just like waiting for the opportunity to have no child I have no opinion until my husband gives an answer and then the minute he gave an answer and walked out of the room she gave him a hug and started acting like a mom yep terrifying I mean I'm pretty sure that the bullwhip that he found it wasn't the first one the Jones Jones men are good with the whip yeah it's dark well the journal becomes like a whole thing in the show like

later on you see Teenage Indie has it all filled out with all kinds of stuff sort of kind of like mimicking what they did with last crusade with Dr. John seniors grill diary although I have to say this one thing about mom she is kind of a hot blonde and it's kind of a little well she gets a whole like later on it's a storyline where she gets a sexy storyline but well that will have to that's that's coming up in an episode or two but she yeah it's almost like you see where

the willy type came in because visually yeah he's he got mom issues got daddy she's got all kinds of issues so anyway he's given the journal and I said this because like in the later on the opening credits like the journal is featured in the opening credits like this is where Henry writes down all of the notes and learns all his stuff as he goes along so on the trip of the Nile Ned tells little Henry he's like to learn the language everywhere he goes which is another thing like

later on Indiana Jones knows every fucking language everywhere they go anywhere he like he can he knew he knew Mandarin Chinese at the beginning of Temple of Doom and then later on could speak to the people in India like he just knows the ridiculous number of languages and this is supposed to be like like Ned just tells him that and you know once again that is consistent with Lawrence with Lawrence who did learn the languages of different places that he went and spoke Arabic

very well which he demonstrates when he talks to this dude on the boat so there's an Easter egg when they reach the Valley of the Kings you can hear some workers singing the same song in the Egyptian diggers were using in Raiders of the Lost Star just for a moment they walk by and you hear in the background so that's cool and you see little Henry is wearing his little khaki uniform with his little clam digger pants and his little pith helmet on he looks so cute with his little

bowl cut. Yeah, little little little floppy bowl of hair and then looks like Dennis the menace. Yep, and he is and then just like Dennis the menace just constantly being dragged along or involves himself in all these situations. He really as a nine year old should not have any part of so Ned introduces them to Rashid Salam a really nice guy who so like the show works really hard for us like in the 30 seconds we get with him to make us really like Rashid he's like oh he's

such a nice guy and you oh you want to rub little Henry's head and and so it's like in Henry will hold the love of Rashid in his heart for the next seven years of his life. It's going to have that torch. Rashid means so much to him and apparently to us this dude Mr. Golly comes running up because the workers are all wanting to quit because of a curse. There's a curse and you can kind of see the guy in the background doing his his shady shit if you look closely.

Yeah, Henry immediately here his ears perk up like a cat. He's like curse and he's like curse remembering that you know Ned told him the spooky ass story than you know earlier and he does not let go of this curse thing ever like a pit bowl he latches on to the whole curse deal. So then we are conspicuously introduced to Mr. Demetrios the demolitions expert who blows up something so that they can get into the tombs. Your big explosion boom and then next up we meet an

outrageously French photographer named Pierre du Clau who is photographing the dig. He uses flash powder flash you see the big flash of the camera you know old timey 1908 camera and so Howard Carter comes in and identifies some seals with some obscure Pharaoh named Tutankhamen because of course you know later on yes Howard Carter is the famous discoverer of King Tut's tomb as we will talk about in the later section but this isn't it. This was just an arc. This was just a name

drop. And then you see Henry just grabs a priceless artifact covering in tomb dust off the table as a wooden flute. He just shows his slobbery little nine year old mouth all over it and everybody's like oh you little scam. No one says no one beats the child. The the governess gave him a look like I'm gonna beat you later. Can you fucking imagine if if Dr. Jones senior had been in the room what would have happened to little Henry that night when he got back to the ring. Jesus

Christ. Henry, I'm going to tell you what happens when you touch valuable artifacts. Remember and in the last crusade when he breaks a vase over his son's head and then feels bad about it because he thinks he broke a valuable Ming dynasty and then he's like yeah that's all part of the whole thing. Oh Junior you have made a terrible mistake. This is for him good. So dark. Anyway, so yeah, we so we meet the the the duty blows things up and the guy takes the pictures and

then Carter 30 seconds later, they walk into a perfectly excavated tomb. Yeah, well, yeah, even though they just yeah through magic because they just blown up this place on the cliff side which by the way and then they had to like but when they filmed it, it was flattened down. Yeah, you know, it was so funny. Yeah, suddenly we're in a soundstage. Yeah. Weirdo that happens. So, before they go in there, Carter explains that the tomb they're basically like you said is is

a guy named who was like an architect or an engineer and then the camera kind of weirdly hangs on Demetrius the the demolitions dude while Carter is explaining things like because this show is not hiding its clue. This is and you know to be fair, this is the foreshadowing is not subtle sort of pulp action like in the tradition of Anita Jones subtle's not supposed to be really part of the deal but if you're going to do a murder mystery, you could try a little

fucking harder like like as they're talking about the treasure. Fairness though. We're talking about a murder mystery that needed to be solved by a 10 year old 9 year old. He hasn't even hit 10 yet. Not even double digits. Tis tis tis and of course like very young Lawrence of Arabia who is our and again, it was like the kid goes down into the tomb. It was like here, child, go first. There might be poisonous gas. Oh yeah, let's look for the fun part because

of course, once again, either Dennis the Menace thing like Howard's immediately is like, oh Henry, would you like to come down into this this highly dangerous tomb with us? Of course. That's a good chap. We could all buy. And then of course Henry's like God jeepers creepers golly gee willikers mister. It's so bad. And then you peer the photographer takes their picture at that exact moment with his creepy smile. And then Mr. Golly, the dude who is leading the workers once

again, warns the stupid white people about the mummy's curse. And they give him all the respect you'd expect. You know early 20th century British people to give and he goes and so I think it was Lawrence who tells him it's just superstition and then Demetrios suddenly says superstition. It's the curse. Once again, the camera hangs on him's like, do you get it? He's gonna do something and then the kids just sitting there with this stupid fucking look on his face. Oh, like he

just maintains that dumbass look throughout the entire show. It's almost amazing. So such a great actor. So to me. So yeah, the soundtrack gets all spooky is the enter the sound stage. I mean the tomb and Carter explains that airtight chambers can contain poisonous gases. So if you ever unseal one, you got to be careful, right? Right? That's why we have this little canary in a coal mine. This little boy with this because he'll be the first to drop and then we adults can get

our healthier lungs up to safety. It's such a bad scene. Now they say they talk about that some tombs are booby trapped but say that since Kyle was just a lowly architect, he probably wasn't worth the trouble of any hardcore booby trapeage. And then they get to the big door. Carter reads the hieroglyphics on the sealed door. He that enters my tomb, I shall burn with my fire and Indy is stupidly like oh, we are fucked y'all. So they start cutting open this door and he

looks more concerned by the moment. And then the door magically and easily just glides open without hardly a squeak. Right? But remember who broke the seals? It was Rashid at the orders of Mr. Carter. So they go into the main burial chamber and don't see stuff they were expecting and they kind of speculate that maybe people some even though it was sealed, maybe somebody was in here before us, but they do find the sarcophagus pop that opens our Carter and Lawrence

open up the sarcophagus. And for some reason, there's spider webs inside the coffin just to make it creepier. Yeah, and usually reveals cause grinning face is nasty mummy with his teeth all out. And so then they have this child go over the coffin and drool on it. Yeah, little Henry goes, holy smokes. Well, they're holding big giant torches. And I swear there's one point where it looked like Henry. I thought he was just gonna drop it boof. Mommy go bye bye. Holy smokes

golly gee Wellakers. And that's when he became that mommy really looked really goes up fast. That's the way it should have happened. So they theorize that there must be like another chamber in here. So they split up to search for secret doors. D&D style and it is Ned who makes the high roll. And so they find out a place where there's a impression say to carve it out of the plaster wall and then actually pull open the door. That's when we get a tomb fart. So they took the air turns

Carter's torch green. He's like, it's poisonous gas running for your lives. And they all bolt out of there. And the old lady was first. Yeah, she's fucking quick as a lip, dude. Yeah, shout out that she is spry and little Henry, she's like, if you can't keep up, Henry, that is on you. I can make another one of you with your father. That's so gross. No, it would have to be for magic. So they run away coughing the fresh air and then Carter just

says, you know, it'll be safe. You'll clear out by morning and then we can go back and check it out. And so Rashid is set to guard the entrance. And Carter gets a pistol for him from the armory. So he'll be an armed guard that night. And little Henry offers to stand guard with him. And and Rashid says, that's very brave of you, Mr. Jones. But I'll be all right. Which, you know, again, not very good foreshadowing. Literally the last words he ever speaks, which I still do not

understand young Indy's love for this dude. Like if there must be like half an hour of footage of Indy and Rashid just having the best time going out on boat rides and getting drunk. It's looking at nudie magazines and then, you know, so to rush. So we know we'll never know. We'll never know the bonding experience that little Indy have with Rashid that made him love him so much. So Indy wanted to be with him. Indy wanted to die with Rashid that night, but instead he did. He went

back to his tent and covered his head covered his head. So he was scared because he was scared because he's been told about curses and mummies coming back to life and he saw the fucking mummy and it was creepy as hell. So we get like an overnight montage and little Henry like he said wedding himself because there's jackals howling in the distance and you see Rashid bravely guarding the entrance and that is the last time we see Rashid alive because the

next day cut to little Henry shrieking Rashid Rashid, where are you? He's missing. So they go down with the tomb and they and they find the mummies out of the coffin is just missing completely and Henry immediately knows exactly what happened. It climbed out of its coffin and got Rashid. It's a ghoul. Miss Seymour's like you're a fucking idiot Henry. Quiet down now. I must beat you with my ruler. So Ned finds Rashid in the treasure chamber, the one that unsealed the day

before, very dead. His face completely burnt off. His face is burnt off even though they do find blunt force trauma on the side of his head. Carter volunteers to take Rashid's body back to Cairo for a proper inquiry at the authorities involved. You know, we do this properly. I am British. Yes, because you know, they have to. There are rules about grave robbing. Yeah, gotta follow. He's followed all the proper paperwork. Um, so so it's not a bad guy at all. But then Ned

does some Sherlock Holmes shit and finds silver powder like on the lower half of the corpse and nothing seems disturbed in the chamber. So Ned is confused about why there's like doesn't seem to be a motive and then Henry reminds everybody uh, duh you guys. He who enters my tomb, I shall burn with my fire. It's the curse you dumb motherfuckers. Get out. Get out while we still can. And the workers agree and lose their goddamn mind. She literally cuts to a shot of them just like

running and screaming in random directions like the most hysterical is not a flattering look. Oh, these silly brown people and your superstitions. You and the child. Meanwhile, and the kid is not helping things screaming. It's like, yeah, that's what happened. He burned his fucking face off. And then Mr. Golly is watching smugly from atop the hill. He's like very clearly not in on this freak out. So at lunch Henry is getting more and more worked up. And the idea that

the mummy rose up and kill Rashid. So Ned had to explain that he just made up all that bullshit about mummies rising from the dead and that he that he's a pathological liar who should be ashamed of himself. But his favorite drug is terrifying little boys. It's very funny. Yeah. He's like, well, you're you're a fucking liar. You piece of shit. Yeah, he he would did not seem very happy about exaggerating the truth. But then Lawrence is like, yes, but it makes life

more interesting. See, old boy, it'll be great. And so it doesn't matter. Henry never loses his love for Ned and how great he is. And so really, this is just be the adventures and this dementious dude head. So to prove just absolutely how there is no danger of runaway mummies, Ned drags Henry and Miss Seymour back down into the tomb to look for more clues. Like, yes, what this situation needs is a nine year old boy multiple times. The nine year old boy the worst look

out ever. Yeah. Well, right now, they're just going around looking for clues and Henry checks looks in the coffin to make sure cause still missing and he is. And then looking at their around they also find a big bust of car as he appeared in life. And there's an inscription. And Ned apparently can read hieroglyphics just as proficiently as Howard Carter, because he immediately just goes, Oh, yes. And he's like, blah, blah, blah, a sacred jackal with

eyes of fire. Except they realized that Henry points out that there is no headpiece on this little statue. And then that's when Ned's like, Ah, it's broken off. And he's like, Dolly Good, we have a motive now. And they realized okay, so so our boy Rashid was killed so that somebody could snatch this piece of treasure off of the statue's head, the jackal with eyes of fire while everyone else was waiting for the poison air to clean to clear. Yep. It's very

sad. Yep. Kills him for the treasure. And so Ned later on they're back in the in the mess tent and Ned draws. Indy takes this very personally. Oh, he's not stolen for gain. It belongs in a museum and and Ned draws a picture of what this jackal headpiece is supposed to look like. So and then and Indy keeps it again. It's in his journal later on like years later. So they so they go over their list of suspects. And apparently young Indy gets obsessed with this

for the rest of his his life, at least for the next seven years. So their first suspect is named is Mr. Golly, the leader of the workers because he wears a fez. And so they're like, Okay, maybe him. Next they pull out the silver powder that Ned had taken off the corpse and put in an envelope and he pulls it out lights it with a match and goes poof. Looks just like the photographer splash powder. So next on the list is Pierre. So the next morning Ned scares the

bejesus out of Henry in bed. So it has this menacing shot of someone sneaking up on little little sleeping Henry and then and then Ned just put his hand on his mother just fucking causes. I told you he finally got to sleep. Once again, his favorite drug is making little kids shit themselves. So so Hill Henry has to change his pants again before the next move. So he's trying to he wants him to be quiet because he asks Henry to be a lookout because Ned

wants to go search Pierre's tent for clues. So Henry is supposed to keep an eye on the photographer. Ned's going to go Ned draws his service pistol and it looks for a second like he's going to hand it to him. He's like, Henry hold that if you have to if you have to drill that French motherfucker. This is what you use. It's very funny squeeze the trigger do not pull it. Shoot for center mass. But no, he actually just takes the gun himself and Ned runs into

the tent. But he wants to make sure and he goes oh, what did he say? Smokes. He always says he's super cheesy. Oh, some little apple pie phrases like that at this point. He's Batman sidekick. He's just very different. You know, later on Dr. James is worth phrases like oh shit. He can't be Batman yet right now. He's just he's a nine year old boy. We'll go easy on him. So anyway, so Henry watches Pierre smoking a cigarette and then he kind of makes his way into the tomb in

a very suspicious manner. So the little boy very intelligently follows the suspected murderer by himself down into the dark dungeon. Yeah, where his friend was just murdered. Yeah, possibly by this dude. Good call Henry up top. Ned doesn't find shit in the tent and then starts wondering what the hell happened to that kid. And so then he goes grabs Mrs. Seymour Seymour sees that the guns out like good heavens. Oh, what's going on? He's like to the tomb. So maybe he's like

maybe I shouldn't have involved a small child in my murder investigation. So creeping around in the dark Henry nervously leans up against a wall and he accidentally pops open another little secret chamber almost like a little closet which is where he finds the mummy or rather it falls on top of him. So caught the mummy falls on top of Henry and he goes. He 100% shits his pants like he and cries his eyes out every night for a month after that. So he is fucked

up. This is years of therapy. He's been had he's had this guy put his been told that a mummy will come to life and try to kill you and then this thing just mummy just flying at him. It's fucked up. It's poor little boy. He's faced first in a mummy. It's terrible. So the little in Henry screaming the mummy. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna kill me. And then and then he's late. Then he's like screaming at the craze Frenchman's trying to kill him. He's like just like you killed

Rashid and then Ned just as Ned rushes in with a fucking draw gun and peers like oh no, I am I am the fuck. And Pierre explains that like dude, I was just taking unauthorized photographs so I can sell them to the newspapers and make some extra scratch. I am just an unethical photo journalist. I am not a murderer. And then when questions like yeah, but what about that magnesium powder? How are you murdering bastard? And Pierre points out like I am not the

only one who uses magnesium powder. No, no. And then we go to suspect number two. Well, that's when Henry finds a clue in the mummy. So kind of wedged in between cause ribs is the ignition pump that thing you use when like the when you're doing blasting a big thing of dynamite yet that box with the pump and the line that goes to the actual dynamite. Well, the little pump handle is wedged inside of cause ribs for some goddamn reason that makes no sense other than it's

a good clue to tell us why would that be there? No fucking clue. It makes no sense. Bad writing is the real reason but it works for the purposes of our story suddenly. So Ned smacks himself on the head like he could have had a V8. He's like Demetrius. And so we have identified our murderer so they go dashing off to prove the case once and for all. So they go into Demetrius is his tent and match it to his dynamite box because it's a good piece of evidence.

Yep. So mystery. So they instantly solve it. And then Henry goes like look magnesium powder. I mean, it's like it's like a Scooby-Doo kind of ending where like all the clues are lining up. So then you just had to pull off his mask and find it was just actually old man will occurs the owner of the abandoned amusement park. And then in this case, he gets away. But in this case, yeah, he gets away. And torment young Indiana for seven long years. Yes. Realizing that the

dastardly villain has escaped Ned dons his trusty bicycle and weirdly enough like in a split second, he like jumps on the bicycle and suddenly he's wearing his turban again because he has to look cool for his for his heroic shot as he rides off into the distance. And Henry's like don't go Ned. And then he promises to write Henry. Ned's like he declares again. You really are splendid chap. But that's how young Indiana Jones became friends with Lawrence of Arabia for

absolutely carried the burning love of Rashid the torch of love for Rashid until he can finally revenge his death. So we cut back to and I say revenge because that that's ultimately what happens. Yeah, we'll get there but spoiler for a while. We got we got seven years to go before we get to the to avenging Rashid's death. We will miss him dearly. Oh, Rashid will think about you every day missing Rashid years are really gonna take a lot out of us. So we return back

to 1992 and old ass Indiana Jones who says he rode like the wind like the hand of God was upon him. Don't forget me. He cried as if I have a wood. The man was a hero even then that okay. Yeah. Then he has another senior moment and completely forgets what he's talking about. Cheese. What am I doing here? Why are these children hanging around me just genuinely is like there's no fucking clue what's going on and the kids bug the old man. It's like did he catch the

killer and then old Indy suddenly remembers what he's fucking talking about again and explains that the bad guy got away by the ship and that Ned had missed him by like five minutes and they're like what happened? He's like, oh, miss she more and I went back to Cairo with my parents. We're back on our trip. Fuck off. The little kids have like story blue balls because they're like wait a second. There was a murder and stolen treasure and you like forced us to listen

to listen to you for goddamn hours or school buses left. We've been abandoned in the city and they're like is that all? And then he goes of course not and then they start chasing him down to bug him again. Now it would be hilarious if he literally said of course not. There's kids never knew what happened or anything else for the rest of time. However, in reality the the second half of the introduction movie will pick back up seven years later with Sean Patrick Flannery

when he solves the murder and recovers the treasure that that's not for us today because we are going chronological and that's so we don't get trained. We don't get dreamy teenage for a while, baby. We got little boy in the he's so annoying and Sean Patrick Flannery so hot. It's not fair. No, we are stuck with young indie for a while with just a little bit of George Hall to to get us through it. This is a gnarled old fucking tree. He's so bad. It's all it's all so

bad. So now we get to our second section of the show. This is where we go over the historical figures, lessons and artifacts featured in today's episode. Okay, this is my lesson. So well, we're just going over what we saw on the show. So the the we had the lovely graphic description of the making of an Egyptian mummy when he was making everybody puke in the galley on the ship. Yeah, he's like, Yeah, you got to break the nose before you tease the brains out with get this lovely little

thing. Yeah, he gave a whole speech about separating the organs into canopic jars and all that shit. So yeah, you got some some nice little we learn that shit at almost the same age. And honestly, it's like as a nine year old boy that's like that's the most perfect shit. It's gross and macabre and all that. So we early on we visit the pyramids and the swing so you get a little history lesson from Miss Seymour. Oh, and the I can't express how good the shots are. Yeah, it's gorgeous and

it really makes you want like it would be really cool to see these things with your own eyes. And of course, our first historical personage is Lawrence of Arabia. Dun dun dun. So that's the thing his name was I think Theodore. If you went by Ned, which I guess was like a like Ted Theodore Ted Ned, I don't know why he went by that but whatever. Mr. Lawrence and they had very very they want to make that establishing and leaving shots of him that iconic him on a

bicycle with the turban reference had his piercing blue eyes over his like tanned English skin and no eyeliner. But seeing him on the bicycle both times is kind of ironic because I don't know if you know this but the real Lawrence of Arabia died because of injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident. He wasn't even very old. Poor guy didn't even I mean, he I think he died two years younger than I am right now. Like he didn't I don't know a whole lot about Lawrence

of Arabia and I never saw the film really really good movie. I mean, not necessarily all historically accurate but very very cool guy. So yeah, historically accurate. You don't say however the main idea. So Lawrence of Arabia was most famous for being involved in the Arab revolt against the Ottoman Empire. So the Turks. I think now, however, nobody's business but the Turks this yeah, this this death of the no Indiana Jones is fudging

with history here because I don't think he even learned Arabic until 1910 and he didn't be a visit Egypt until 1912. So like him even being here was totally fudged and bullshit that the real Lawrence never was going to be around at this point. He was however super interested in archaeology and like he had checked out all these castles in Europe and then went down and did some tomb raiding in Egypt just not until several years later. He said he would never have caught

up with young Henry. They fudged a timeline. Yeah, it's not going to be their greatest crime. Yeah, no not not even a little bit. We also of course meet Howard Carter famous for his work in the Valley of the Kings and the fact that he discovered King Tut's tomb. Famous horrific tomb robber now as far as I can tell from a quick check this famous tomb rubber wasn't working anywhere near the Valley of the Kings in 1908. However, we did get

that like name drop of King Tut like I am on the trail of Tutankhamen which is it'd be jolly good jolly good if I found that Kings tomb and wasn't he discovered it almost by accident. Yeah, yeah, it was literally just one of the people working in there accidentally opened the thing that he found it. Yeah, it was not him not him at all other than just him getting getting local workers. I have to be the first one in the tomb because I need the pictures. Yeah, so we had a photographer

with him. So, uh, Ka the the mummy featured in this episode. It turns out there really was a royal architect named Ka in the 18th Dynasty of Egypt. This is about 1400 BC. Now, however, it turns out that Ka's tomb was actually discovered in 1906 by Egyptologist Ernesto Schiapparelli. Schiapparelli which is why Ka's mummy and most of the artifacts are in a museum in Turin, Italy. So, Howard Carter had nothing to do with the discovery of Ka and so actually if you want to

see there's only over 500 artifacts from Ka's tomb are in Italy. Very cool because what about the headpiece? Ah, that was no such thing. There was, however, I'll put it up in the show notes. There was a cool medical examination like only from a few years back where they're where they had some forensic medical dudes examine the mummy in in all this detail. Like he was not like he was not mummified the way little Henry described. This was like a whole body mummy with

the brains and all the organs still inside the corpse. So, they were a juicy. So, there was a he was a juicy mummy and they were able to do all this examination to get all this like medical information. So, I'll put that link in the show notes. Somebody wants to find out about dead Ka. So, yeah, the jackal with the eyes of fire. This seems to be 100% made up by George Lucas just to give us a treasure to be a centerpiece for the whole thing. Because that's what really

it's about is the treasure. Yeah. Because there I mean there is there's another thing that'll go in the show notes. There's a Wikipedia entry that's literally all about this exact excavation of Ka's tomb that has a pretty big list of all the artifacts recovered and nothing nothing about a jackal. Nothing nothing that's sexy. Which makes sense. And I think that as far as the history or archaeology and that kind of shit. I think that's just about it. All right. Do you think of

anything else? Um historically speaking. No, not really. All right. Well, I think that it'll do it for today. Um the second half of Curse of the Jackal will have to wait again a while because we're going to continue with the adventures of young nine year old Indiana Jones next week. Because he hates me. Yep. You have to earn it. You have to earn your River Phoenix and Sean Patrick Flannery. Uh and I have to. First of all, I could never ever earn the love of either of

those men. But considering I have loved them. And Harrison Ford. I love Harrison Ford and I gotta wait longer. I love Harrison Ford. He's even if he is a crotchety old bastard. If you are still listening and you want to continue with our adventures with Henry Jones Jr. then uh go to chainsaw history dot com and subscribe at the five dollar level or higher and you can hear every single piece of content we make. Hear me choke on the misogyny of all of it. Yep.

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