Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - #44: November 8th 1984 - Yo! Bum Rush The Quo

Episode Date: October 10, 2019

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: is Simon Bates negging or cock-blocking? Into the penultimate stretch of the Critics' Choice series, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, and Our Sarah has taken us all the way back to the time when her keen Pop sensibilities were hauling itself upright from the ooze. And she. Has. Chosen. Well.We're weeks away from Band Aid and the Eighties are already starting to ming of unwashed cock, but this episode - presented LIVE IN THE STUDIO by Geoffrey and Pigwanker General - is nowhere near as horrific as it could have been, even though there's some right catshit strewn about. Limahl has the last laugh, and is never heard of again. Status Quo are taken to the tip by the Council. Billy Ocean and Eugene Wilde give us a remake of Billie Jean and Sexual Shakin'. Gary Numan's weave makes its TOTP debut. But we get to see Depeche Mode's career turn on a sixpence while they bang on some hunks of concrete, and we get the best Number One of the year that doesn't involve Frankie.Sarah Bee and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham for a critical piss that streams out the bottom of the trouser leg of 1984, veering off on such tangents as the uselessness of Godzooky, Eighties Video Cliche Watch, Numanoid laundry problems, Gary Davies Sex Music, and Heads-Down, No-Nonsense Masturbation. Oh, the swearing!  Video Playlist | Subscribe | Facebook  | TwitterSubscribe to us on iTunes here. Support us on Patreon here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language which will frequently mean sexual swear words sharp music Hey up you pop craze youngsters and welcome to the latest episode of Chart Music,

the podcast where it's always half past seven on a Thursday night. I'm your host Al Needham and with me today are Taylor Parks. Afternoon. And the long overdue return of Sarah B. Hello. People tell me now of the pop and the interesting things that have occurred of late. I uh what have I done that's pop and interesting um I went to see Steve Davis's psychedelic band, The Utopia Strong, a couple of weeks ago. That's Steve Davis? That's Steve Davis.

No! Yeah. Good God, what's that like? Really good. Yeah, it's great. It's him and a couple of other blokes. And yeah, it's really brilliant. He has been a sort of psychedelic and drone DJ for a few years now.

He's really great. I've met him a few times. He for a few years now. He's really great. I've met him a few times. He's a top bloke. He wasn't backed by the matchroom mob. No. No, I've had a break from football. I was so disillusioned with football, I barely followed it for most of the past year.

So this season I'm back, and I've been catching up on YouTube and podcasts and TV, which just means hearing really quite a lot of adverts for Bet365. Right. Ray Winston trying to remember how to sound rough-arsed. And I can't stand it anymore. It's every seven minutes. Bet365.

Fucking hell. Please gamble responsibly. Term 365. Fucking hell. Please gamble, respond to me. Terms and conditions apply. Now then, pop crazy youngsters, you know the first

order of business. We give you a shout out to the latest batch of people who dobbed the subs into the chart music G-string. The $5 people this

month include Andy Ward, Riley Briggs, Chris Durbin, Ash Preston, Barry Jones, Gord Masson, Marcus Jack, Darren Lamb, Nick Horn, David Montgomery, Stephen Dinsdale, Victoria Keastley, Simon Smith, Eileen McConnell, David Owen, Clive Paré, Rob Moore, Vic Summers, Miles Jackson, David Gregson, Mike Thompson, and in the words of Tony Blackburn, someone who chooses to call themselves Lester is better than Nottingham. Oh, I'm such a slag.

Leicester is better than Nottingham. Oh, I'm such a slag. And the $3 people, they are Douglas Hartley, Mark Hunter, Steve Mishkin, Mark Lund, Mark Thompson and David Burnidge. And let us not forget Daniel Sullivan and Fabio De Paola because they whack their donations right up. Oh, those lovely people, eh? They're so lovely. Please gamble responsibly.

And as well as being able to sleep at night knowing they've done the right thing by chart music, those people have voted on the latest chart music top ten. Hit the music! We've said goodbye this week to the Queen's Fanny, Gug City Slaggers, the Whiff of the Catermeat and Clit Richard, which means it's two up, three down, a re-entry and four new entries. Back in at number 10, Chicken Steven. Down three places from number six to number nine. Sarah B and Rakim.

Last week's number one has dropped all the way down to number eight. Man to Man meets Al Needham. Up two places this week and still pumping away at number seven. Here comes Jizzum. Last week's number seven. This week's number six. Your dog, mates.

Down from number five to number three, it could only be Bummer Dog. A new entry at number four for Neil Cougar Kulkane. Straight in at number three, Lesbian Door Factory. So close for this week's number two, Dave D. Creepy Twat and Cunt, which means...

Britain's number one. It was always meant to be the highest new entress, straight in at number one, Jeff Sex. Oh man, what a chart that is. It's like a new era of the

chart music top ten. I mean, first and foremost, Jeff Sex. I don't know what you've got in your mind, but to me, he's clearly a piss poor British response to Prince, isn't he?

Yeah. Instead of a raincoat and stockings, he wears a car coat over some swimming trunks. And he's got a guitar shaped like a fan head. Yeah.

He's sort of in that area, but he just gets it a bit too wrong and a bit too obvious and wellies instead of like you know yeah or a pair of white terry towel in socks

with a little thin red and blue band around the ankle yeah definitely yeah it reminds me of those blokes who used to pop up in the Reader's Wives that one page called Something for the Ladies, where they just have some twat standing by a rail track

with his cock out or kind of like squatting down and his knackers dangling over an open toolbox or something. And it was like, oh, this will satisfy them. Yeah, those blokes for about 50 have got massive shoulders and arms, but also a huge beer gut, because they lift weights, but they got massive shoulders and arms. Yes. But also a huge beer gut. Because they lift weights, but they don't do no cardio. Yeah, but those blokes in the Something for the Ladies, it was like if your missus had found your wank mag.

It's as if you could just open it up and go, look, there you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah, something else going on in chart music world. David Stubbs, the author of Future Days and Mars by 1980, has agreed to avail himself and make himself available to you, the pop craze youngsters, for a special Q&A, just me and him. So, you know, if you've got any burning questions about extended flute solos or what it was like to work at Melody Maker in the 90s, or even if you want to ask me some questions, in the nainties or even if you want to ask me some questions all you got to do is dash off an email to chart music podcast at gmail.com and we will set about your questions with glee got loads in already some some really good ones they all say what's sarah b really like

this is what i'm really like There's no mystery Unfortunately So don't forget Pop Crazy Youngsters If you love chart music There's no romance Without finance So go to Patreon.com

Slash chart music And give us money now Now Thank you Now then Pop Crazy Youngsters We've reached part number four Of our Critics' Choice season,

and this time the spotlight shines upon Miss Sarah B, and she has selected... 8th of November, 1984. Ooh, Sarah, to use the title of the Bronski Beat single, which has dropped four places from number 27 to number 31 in this week's chart. Why? has dropped four places from number 27 to number 31 in this week's chart why because i'm a fucking sadist apparently and i'm probably also a masochist it was going to be an 80s one obviously um i sort of toyed with 86 or 88 but i just instinctively went for 1984 because that's like years it's year zero for me in terms of my awareness of music and pop culture. And this particular episode, it's like, because I thought, well, I'm going to see if I can find the most 1984 episode

as opposed to the best. Like, even the number 1984 has just got this almost synesthetic quality to me. It's like it smells of damp shopping centre floors and the warm fluff from fan heaters, you know. It's got that kind of spine-tingling, hind-brain prickle for me. But yeah, this is like, you know, when you're sort of six years old and everything is just going in sort of unfiltered

and you start to respond to it purely and honestly and you start to kind of coagulate your gooey, unformed self around this input. Yeah. So yeah, there's kind of loads of that stuff in it for me, but also stuff that I'd forgotten, stuff that I don't remember at all, stuff that I love,

stuff that I absolutely can't abide. You know, I thought, you know I thought you know there's there's enough to go out in this one Taylor we already discussed 1984 as being the most 80s year of the 80s it's up there and it's very special to me because I was in a sort of later stage of the same process that Sarah was just talking about this was the year I got really into modern music as something to follow and observe as a whole you know this was uh this was a year I got really into modern music as something to follow and observe as a whole. You know, this was a summer I started by and smash it. And actually listening consciously to Radio 1 rather than Radio 1 or in my house, more often Radio 2,

being a sort of fuzzy ambient presence, you know, of which the occasional record would emerge and grab my attention for better or for worse so suddenly I knew which records had been released and which were going up the charts which were going down the charts or which had flopped and I knew the names of all the failures as well as the success stories and although even at that age I understood the difference between fashion and style I sort of knew what was trendy and what was what wasn't even though it didn't have much to do with me so I've got this incredibly deep and fundamental familiarity with all of the trends and the the tokens and and tap of 1984 and the mid-80s generally in terms of pop music especially like you know i see words spelt

out with each letter in a different color and a different typeface and uh zigzag lines as visual punctuation and just colored blobs and shapes dotted haphazardly around like the terror of empty white space and the sound of the charts in 1984 is something I feel like I know really deeply. It's really very smooth and very thin, with all the early 80s twists ironed out of it. And I didn't like it then, and I don't like it much now, but it's like a brother or a hometown. You don't have to like it, right?

It's just there. it's always with you and it stays with you so even now that whole period i know who drum theater were you know right i remember contract of the heart by spelt like this and the fiasco that was the roaring boys you know and none of it is the slightest bit of use except that it enables me to tut at young people who think the 80s were awesome just because they weren't there. Although, to be honest, even that's of limited use now because I don't really come into contact

with young people anymore because I tend to stay away because I've reached that time in life where the sight of young men makes me want to shoot them and the sight of young men makes me want to shoot them and the sight of young women makes me want to shoot myself. So it's not that relaxing out there. But yeah, 1984, I'm in my element. Let's have at it.

Radio 1 News In the news this week, Ronald Reagan has just crucified Walter Mondale in the US presidential election. The Sandinistas win the Nicaraguan general election. The funeral of Indira Gandhi has just been seen live on the telly in the UK, apart from the bit where her son cracks her skull open with a big stick and sets her on fire. Do you remember that?

I remember watching that with me mam. She gave me some very strange looks. No. 800 miners have returned to work this week as the strike begins to break down. Hundreds of thousands of pounds have already been raised for the Ethiopian famine appeal after the Michael Burke report on BBC News a fortnight ago.

30 coppers are drafted in to arrest George Best after he lamps one of them. Che Bly is rescued after 19 hours of bobbing about off Cape Horn when his trimaran capsizes during an attempt to break the New York to San Francisco record. Ian St John gets done for drink driving in Edinburgh after he asks a police officer if he knows who he is. But the big news this week on the cover of today's Liverpool Echo.

Mum's rocket for naked rockers. Teenagers as young as 15 have bought tickets for a Liverpool University concert tonight by a heavy metal rock band who perform in the nude. The metal donut band are appearing at the Sphinx Bar run by the Student Union and promotional material advertising the group

boasts how they cavort naked on stage. The naked truth about the show came to light when Mrs Miriam McCarthy's 15-year-old son came home with £1 tickets, posters and promotional leaflets. Student union bursar and permanent secretary Mr John Parry said no one would be allowed in under 18 years of age. He added, Mr John Parry said no one would be allowed in under 18 years of age. He added, we make inquiries into the activities of the bands we book. And while it is true the group perform with no clothes on,

they do put paint on themselves. So there we go. If it's a blue cock, it doesn't count, does it? Yeah. If there's one thing people hated in the 80s, it's nature. I think that was the best and worst thing about that decade. And obviously I looked into this a bit more. They're not a heavy metal band at all.

They appear to be an industrial dance band from Leicester. One of them's now a chemistry teacher. On the cover of the NME this week, Annie Lennox. On the cover of Smash Hits, Nick Haywood is in there interviewing Fergal Sharkey. The number one LP in the UK is Give My Regards to Broad Street by Paul McCartney. Over in the USA, the number one single is Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham! And the number one LP was Purple Rain by Prince and the prince and the revolution so me dears what were we doing in november of 1984 um i was living in a small terrace house with me mum um without proper heating but we did have one of those amazingly dangerous gas fires in the kitchen and incredibly steep

stairs, just hazards at every turn really I had an attic bedroom that didn't have a door but it had its own little tiny staircase so that was nice and I was developing a very healthy fire phobia thanks to all of the endless public

information films and adverts about, you know, this is what happens if you leave a cigarette on the arm of a sofa. And within a minute, you're dead. So, yeah. So you went outside for a fag at the age of six then? Oh, yeah, totally, yeah. Just to say, fuck the man.

No, I mean, also I was short-sighted, but I didn't know it yet. Right. So, like, I used to lie in bed. You just thought that's what the world looked like. Yeah, basically, yeah. It was just all slightly smudgy. But I used to, because the landing light would be on, and so I could see the light coming up the stairs at night from my bed,

and I would look at it and I would just go I wonder if that's fire what if that's fire um so you know I just I just kind of lived with with fire in my house all the time really and uh you know but I couldn't like strike a match I had to um obviously you know you can't be doing that when you're six but I couldn't do it until I was like in my 20s because I just I I didn't, I was like, ah, it's too bad, fireworks, I fucking hated fireworks, can't hold a sparkler still. I just, you know, it's, that's what the 80s,

that's what the 80s did to my brain. But, you know, it also, I'm kind of grateful for it as well because it sort of gives you that sort of weird horror sensibility and I'm now like, you know i i love the horrorist stuff you can find and that's probably where it started oh yeah we had two guinea pigs which shortly became five guinea pigs you know sort of gremlinsy gone away um and yeah it was it was all right um we didn't have a lot and stuff but we had we had a radio and we had a little black tape deck spattered with white paint from decorating and happy enough yeah you've already

said that this is it this was a year zero for you in music so who who grabbed you first well you know it was my mum made mixtapes and i know that she had this one particular one which is totally which i probably talked about before which is just just kind of, um, you know, um, I can't like reel off the track list for you now, but it's definitely, there's, there's a couple of tracks that are in this episode that were on that mixtape.

Um, but you know, I mean, obviously Michael Jackson, Madonna, um, just, and yeah,

what, what my filter was was like, what was on, what was on radio one, I think, and which my mom would listen to and what was on, what was on top of the pops. And I guess what was in the charts on what was on radio one i think and which my mum would listen to and what was on what was on top of the pops and i guess what was in the charts that was that was what i got yeah and i suppose it did really instill in me this kind of um this thing about glorious isolation

of a single you know and it has to stand alone and a sort of album was sort of an afterthought really yeah and i guess there's kind of uh what swells always used to say about you know you'd say what's the best Clash album well the best of the Clash obviously and what's the best that's kind of still my brain and obviously singles now are not what they were because of streaming and Spotify

and stuff and you know I do listen to albums and I do love albums but there's just something about a single it's like you have to prove yourself and put everything about yourself into three minutes or four minutes all i can remember is uh no central eating waking up on a school morning seeing plumes of cold breath yeah going up into the air and having to psych myself up with a countdown to get out of bed. You know, ten, nine, eight, seven, ahhh!

And then, you know, like the parrots just running into the bathroom. What colour was your bathroom suite? You know, that's something I should remember. Yeah. But I don't. I haven't got a clue. It must be white then. No, no. Was it avocado? It may have been avocado or coral.

Or cornflower blue or something like that. Mine was dark brown. Oh, nice. Like chocolate brown. Yeah, chocolate brown. With chocolate brown. Yeah, sort of like

Labrador colour. It really worked, actually. It was... I would have that. Again, you probably can't actually get... I just have my bathroom done, actually,

and it is very boring white and green, but, you know, yeah, sort of chocolate brown. You'd probably get sick of it after a bit but i remember it being quite quite nice at the time did you have gold taps my ex-parents used to have a chocolate brown bog and i used to hate it because it's like i can't see if they've cleaned it or not there you go yeah that's handy i'm gonna assume they had but it was still lingering at the back of my mind i always thought of them as pure class, though.

Chocolate brown bathroom suites. Anything in sort of dark brown. It stayed with me, like all this rubbish. Even now, I think of brown as a classy colour. It gets a lot of shit, does brown. But, you know, it's actually all right. I'd started Sixth Form a couple of months ago to retain my levels and i already fucking hated it everyone was into either wham or u2 or ub40 and i'd still

got me raincoat on that i got signed by paul weller a few months previous and possibly me jam shoes as well and i just look back and go, oh, man, jam shoes in 1984. But right about this point, I start thinking, well, why am I going here anyway? And I just start bunking off and thinking, oh, shit, no one's calling me out about it. I'll do it a bit more. And so I'd sneak out in the morning and then come back,

and all I'd do is read or, yeah, read. I'd just sit down and read and listen to music and educate myself oh yeah yeah just went through loads of back issues of 2000 ad music press uh round about this time i actually started up my own fanzine uh but it was about american football so what was it called it was called third and long did did two issues of it uh the second issue i took practically every single issue i printed out on a banda machine from the local community center took them down to wembley for a pre-season friendly game between the dallas cowboys and the chicago bears and uh got them confiscated immediately by staff on the fucking gates. Why?

On what logic? That I was selling something that wasn't official, licensed Wembley or NFL stuff. Oh, man. It's called American football for a reason. Yes. So, yeah, that was me. Music-wise, I'm still into the Style Council. But I'm buying up loads of James Brown stuff. The first purchase I ever made from Rob's Records,

which I've mentioned before, was Summer Breeze. And so I'd cross that line. In the 80s, buying old stuff or cheap stuff was massively frowned upon. But once you've done it it there's no turning back anyway as we've started doing of late pop craze youngsters it is now time to dig in the crates and pull out a copy of a music mag from the week we're doing and this time we're leafing through the november the third issue of melody maker on the cover morrissey in a black and white dog-toothed jacket doffing his hat at us. Isn't that nice?

No. In the news, the giants of pop are gearing up for Christmas, with Spandau Ballet and Culture Club announcing six dates each at Wembley Arena next month. Tickets range from £6.50 to £8.50. Culture Club are also about to air their forthcoming LP, Waking Up With The House On Fire, on a special Radio 1 show where they'll get to crow about their success to Mike Smith. There are also Christmas cash-ins for Howard Jones and Nick Kershaw, while Lou Reed has announced he's flying in for two dates at the Brixton Academy in mid-December. The speculation that Factory Records is on its arse as Quando Quango

and 52nd Street have left the label and signed with Majors. ABC are back minus half their original lineup and with the addition of Eden and david yuritu making them look like a prototype delight they've just released how to be a millionaire this week andy anderson has vacated the drumstool of the cure at the end of their tour of japan and he's been temporarily replaced by vince ely of the psychedelic furs gary holton formerly of the heavy metal kids and currently playing wayne in alvide's aim pets and doing the theme tune to murphy's mob has put out a new single it's an updated version of catch a falling star and it's been produced by jimmy lee of slade

or you can just imagine it can't you mark king of Level 42 has a new best mate, Frank Bruno. Mark has been invited to watch Frank train, and Frank's been invited to hang about backstage at a Level 42 gig whenever he fancies it. Over in America, MTV are considering the lifting of their ban on the Two Tribes video now that the US election is over and Woolworths have censored out obscenities on the inner sleeve of the just released Welcome to the Pleasure Dome LP. There's a big photo of Big Country posing backstage with their biggest fan, Charlie Nicholas of Arsenal, with full-on Billy the Fish bouffant. of Arsenal with full-on Billy the Fish bouffant.

And a Lionel Richie gig was interrupted last week when his trousers started smouldering on stage. Apparently said truths hadn't been dry-cleaned properly, and the cleaning fluid which remained on them reacted to the stage lights.

Inside the paper, there's a centre-spread interview with Morrissey, but some bastard pulled it out of the copy I bought off eBay and presumably stuck it on his wall to masturbate over. It's the one where he said that the sorrow of the Brighton bombing was that Margaret Thatcher survived it, but he was quite happy that the IRA were now selecting proper targets. Fucking hell, one rule for Jeremy Corbyn, another one for Morrissey, eh?

He also talks about doing Top of the Pops, which he finds, quote, great fun. They always give us a semi-royal reception. I know I should spit on the old idea of Top of the Pops, but I can't. I think the groups that criticise Top of the Pops are those that probably know Yeah, they're just jealous. dad was a roadie for Alvin Stardust and gave him a lift in a camper van to perform My Cuckoo Chew on top of the pops. Swansway are about to release their debut LP and talk to Steve Sutherland about not wearing old suits anymore now that they've got a clothing budget and generally not realising that their time has already passed. Oh and Kim Wilde pops up in Shrinkwrap, the Q&A section, and says that leather is boring.

Freeman in Paris by Joni Mitchell is really about Mickey Most. We shouldn't blame Margaret Thatcher for the country going to shit and the IRA are murderers. Mickey Most? Yes. Does she expand on that at all? No, unfortunately. He is the UK David Geffen? Yes. Does he expand on that at all? No, unfortunately. He is the UK David Geffen.

Yes. I wonder which Joni Mitchell song was about Tony Hatch, Derek Hobson. Single reviews. I don't know, because they were part of the missing four pages of the copy I have, which is a shame because they were done that week by Fergal Sharkey. But in the issue of smash hits that came out on this very day Neil Tennant is minding the shop his single of the fortnight is rock the box by Sylvester which is quote an extraordinary comeback which has nicked every electro cliche

to create an irresistible dance record he berates him for his lack of UK geographical knowledge, however, when he says that the people all over Great Britain are rocking the box from Liverpool to Wales, which is a distance of about 20 miles. Yeah, but you've got a Chester. You just can't escape Sylvester. No. However, it's a coat down for the medal song by culture club which is their first duff

single since i'm afraid of me and sounds like one of lionel rich's cast offs and how to be a millionaire by abc which sounds to him like a weak new york dance record you spin me round by dead or alive is given equally short shrift. According to Tennant, they live in the shadow of divine. And although they've employed the services of the people who produced You Think You're a Man, Stock A.Q. Waterman, there isn't the screaming big tune that's the whole point of a high-energy record. Hmm. What would Neil Tennant know about making hit records, eh?

It's a thumbs up for Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode, Since Yesterday by Strawberry Switchblade, and Half a Minute by Matt Bianco, but no love whatsoever for The Boys from the County Hell by The Pogues, Sex Crime 1984 by The Eurythmics, Berserker by Gary Newman, or Watching You by Shaq Attack. And he describes I, Brother B by Shockhead Peters as a sinister song about that ever-popular subject in pop songs these days, gay sex.

According to Tennant, not even John Peel will play it. What would Neil Tennant know about gay sex? In the LP reviews, we go back to the Melody Maker and the big review this week is given over to Welcome to the Pleasure Dome by Frankie. Lyndon Barber feels that it's an attempt to update Sgt Pepper that hasn't come off and the power of love is a rancid ballad

and spandau with knobs on. He signs off with, MM say, Frankie singles yes, double albums no. So easy to be a music journalist. Yes. Julian Lennon's debut LP, Velot, is treated kindly by Colin Irwin. He points out that the lead-off single,

Too Late For Goodbyes is one of the weakest tracks on the LP. It's an agreeable but flyweight pop album and it shouldn't be too long before he comes up with something far better. Stops. Looks at watch. Vermin in Irmin by Mark Holmwood is

welcomed with open arms by Mr Irwin who says that Mark sounds younger, brighter and more optimistic the LP is simply bursting with sharp memorable melodies and the sense of theatre is as virile as ever it's also a thumbs up for the Strange Idol pattern

and other short stories by Felt Sweet 16 the greatest hits compilation by Sweet and a scandal in Bohemia by the Jazz Butcher, A Thumbs Midwood for Microphone is by Cabaret Voltaire. An Acid Bath by Alien Sex Fiend

is described as turgid dross. You just, you write that, get drunk and then get an all expenses paid week in America. Oh, Taylor Lee bit. We're too late. The Gig Guide. paid week in America. Oh, Taylor Lee bits. I can't make money. We're too late.

The gig guide. Well, David could have seen The Truth at the Electric Ballroom, an anti-heroine concert at the Hippodrome featuring the Boomtown Rats and the Glitter Band. I'd rather take heroin. Depeche Mode at Hammersmith Odeon

or Rent Boys Inc. at the Kensington Ad Lib, but probably didn't. Taylor could have checked out Yip Yip Coyote at Snobs, Man O' War at the Birmingham Odeon, Goats Don't Shave at the Railway, Lords of the New Church at the Tin Can Club or Sade at the Odeon.

Simon could have nipped out to Cardiff to see The Fall at the New Ocean Club, Johnny Cash at St David's Hall, or just Bongo at Cardiff University. Sarah could have sat on her mate's shoulders and put on a long raincoat to see Eddie and the Hot Rocks at Leeds University, the UK subs at the Hull Unity Club,

gone back to Leeds University to see the opening date of Alison Moyet's UK tour Attila the stockbroker at Hull Spring Street Theatre and back again to Leeds Uni to see Level 42 and possibly Frank Bruno Neil could have investigated shock

taboo at Lanchester Poly ventured out to Wolverhampton to see Mike Reid performing a live sex show to Icicle Works at the Civic Hall and then back to the poly for New Model Armair and I could have seen Mark Holman do the winning sinners at Rock City and fuck all else.

A cultural desert. Good names though. Yeah, but I mean, fucking hell, I wasn't wrong at the time. No. Yeah, I wasn't just like a miserable moaning kid you know i was right i was right it was a terrible time i'm sure you were also a miserable moaning kid to be fair it goes without saying but you know with good reason in the letters page the recent

furore about melody maker covering bummers like j Duran, which rose to a peak last month where they published a centre-spread poster of Wham! refuses to die down. Sophia of Higher Tram Mare tells us that she only bought Melody Maker for the interview centre-spread on Duran Duran, but is now a regular reader. The recent interview with Roddy Frame by Steve Sutherland

didn't go down too well with julia wright of dovid who described it as pathetic interviewers have become far too big for their boots she says surely the whole point of melody maker is to give a truthful representation of the pop world and not to slant it with the writer's pretentious views as they're only competing with each other to write something radical and get themselves noticed. Yeah, trying to make a name for themselves. Yeah, drag us. Christa Bean, the enormous of Patersfield,

is the latest contributor to the Ian McCulloch, Bono, who's more lush debate. While she contends that McCulloch hasBono-who's-more-lush debate. While she contends that McCulloch has horrid, slobbery lips, Bono has got the most divine buttocks I have ever seen. Let's have more small men as sex symbols. Mijor, for example, she pleads. Jesus. And P. Stoff of Wolverhampton

Has a go at the bouncers at Birmingham Odeon For spoiling a recent big country gig And Des Bowring of Bristol Has a good laugh At Paul Weller's new haircut So there we go 54 pages, 45p I never knew there was so much in it

It was a weird time for Melody Maker because it was sort of a bit directionless and it was so far behind the NME in terms of circulation and in terms of just popular awareness. I used to get it occasionally around that time. This was before David and Simon Reynolds and people like that had joined. No, it was horrendous.

It was just really boozy and liggy and sort of music business-y. You know what I mean? There was always loads of pages of gossip, of pictures of their writers all pissed with their arm around Spandau Ballet's manager or something. I don't really know what they thought they were doing. So what else was on telly today well bbc one kicks off at 6 a.m with cfax am then it's breakfast time with nick ross and fern britain at five past nine it's taking sides the weekly let's have a big argument about something show which is simultaneously broadcast on radio 4 then it's

half an hour of pages from cfax before play school and then an hour of 40 minutes of more cfax before news afternoon regional news in your area pebble mill at one finger bobs and then it's an hour of the benson and hedges tennis championships from wembley arena Arena. The afternoon show sees Penny Junor and Patty Caldwell looking at homeopathic medicine. Then it's more regional news in your area. A repeat of Play School, Banana Man, the quiz show Beat the Teacher, Godzilla, Godzilla, Godzilla, and Godzookie.

John Craven's news round and then Janet Ellis makes a multi-storey car park for your matchbox cars using corrugated paper and cornflake boxes then it's Henry's cat and then Grange Hill learns that it might be merged with Rodney Bennett and

Brookdale then it's the 6 o'clock news regional news in your area and they've just finished what else tomorrow's Yeah. is presented by Jingle Nons OBE. Then it's more schools programmes until five past three when BBC Two picks up the tennis for two and a half hours. Then new summer air. Then the 1971 Susan Penn Halligan film Miracles Still Happen where she survives a plane crash over the Andes. They're half an hour into taking liberties

about the activities of the police in the miners' strike. ITV begins at 6.25 with Good Morning Britain and then goes into schools programmes until noon where they give the youth them the one-two punch of buttercup buskers and moon cats. After the Sullivans, it's News at One, regional news in your area. Then it's part one of Levka's Man, the Australian TV adaptation of the Hammond-Dinnie's novel about an archaeologist in Greece. That's followed by Daytime with Sarah

Kennedy, Take the High Road, Regional News in Your Area Again, The Young Doctors and then Children's ITV, presented this week by Bonnie Langford, which pumps out Buttercup Buskers again, Rubber Dub Dub, Stanley Bagshaw, First Post, the CITV points of view, Murphy's Mob, Blockbusters, the news at 5.45, Crossroads, regional news in your area and they're two thirds of the way into Emmerdale Farm. Meanwhile, Channel 4 has started off at half past two with The British at War, a compilation of propaganda films curated by Leslie Halliwell.

Then it's Countdown, then the 1942 Spencer Tracy and Catherine Hepburn war film Keeper of the Flame, The Battle of the Sexes is attended to for 10 minutes in Unicorn in the Garden, and they're 20 minutes into Channel 4 News. Sarah, you know the question I'm going to ask. Any of those programmes jumping out at you?

I've got to say, even at that time, I thought Godzuki was a crock of shit. Yes. You see, I was developing some discrimination at this point. I was like, what? Okay, yeah, no, Godzilla, big, scary, cool. Who's that little fucker following me around? What the hell is this? It's like a kind of corgi lizard.

Yeah, you watch a Godzilla film and you think what this needs is a reptilian scrappy-do. And the thing about that one is Godzilla's helping people. That's bollocks. Yeah, I forgot that. Smash up a country where I don't live, Godzilla. That's what I want. All right, then, pop-crazy youngsters.

This is now time to go way back To November of 1984 Always remember We may coat down your favourite band or artist But we never forget They've been on top of the pops More than we have Truth It's twenty past seven on November the 8th, 1984

and we immediately introduce to our host Richard Skinner and pig wanker general himself Simon Bates. Since we last covered him in Chart Music 42, Skinner has given up his weekday evening slot to Janice Long, so he's spending his Fridays presenting Roundtable, his Saturdays presenting Saturday Live, and of last month, he's the new voice of the sunday top 40 show after kid jensen left to present the network chart at some point later this month he's going to interview bob geldof about the future of the boomtown rats only for geldof to use the time to announce the formation of band-aid more

think about it the more that was a diversion technique by Geldof, wasn't it? It's like, oh God, I've got to talk about my band that's on my arse. I know I'm going to do this instead. Yeah, I put nothing past that bastard. It's been bothering me for quite a while now, who Skinner reminds me of. And watching this episode, it just slapped me in the face. He's Geoffrey from Rainbow, isn't he?

Isn't he just? These two two they're nobody's faves are they they're just no it's it's horrible actually i kind of i did experience a degree of regret um just you know just watching this and seeing them um that they're kind of they're just a pair of charmless spods, really. For me, Janice Long and John Peel were probably the best pairing of this era. But the only thing you can say for them is that at least neither of them are Dave Lee Travis. Yes, there is that. Bates is still the immovable object in the mid-morning slot, pumping out three hours of old music celebrity birthdays horoscopes and letters from

sulky people who just can't move on from their crappy old relationships they do look like you're going on a school trip somewhere and they're the teachers that were going to look after you for the day or make your life hell yeah and they're trying they're trying so hard to be cool and it's like look you just got to give it up and you don have, that's the thing when you're a kid, you don't really have it in yourself to be able to communicate to a teacher who wants to be cool that that will never happen. Apart from laughing at them. Yeah, yeah, throwing things, yeah.

We are live tonight from Television Centre in the studio, Eugene Wilde, Billy Ocean, stars all of you. And we also have a new number one tonight, it's exactly what, 20 minutes past 7 tonight? Here's never ending song, Lamarle, the lady with Lamarle over here, happens to be called blue and red jumper on a tote background, immediately tells us that this episode of Top of the Pops is live. And Bates, in a black shirt with brown splodges and the collar turned up shaky style with a pinstripe grey and cream jacket and red trousers, looks at his watch and confirms this,

while one of the kids pops up between them and gives a double peace sign he immediately demonstrates the liveness of it all by getting the first song title wrong and then points out that one of the people on stage is a tottenham hotspur supporter as he introduces never-ending story by lamal yeah he's a bit preoccupied with that woman, isn't he? He's like, in a very peculiar way. I mean, so preoccupied he gets the title wrong as this super slick professional broadcaster so often does.

Never Ending Song. Yeah, it's... He calls it. Yeah. He's thinking of the New Seekers, isn't he there? A never ending song for you from now on that's all i wanna do i think he's just thinking of this woman from tottenham who looks like she's part of a feminist theater project with a yes vertical hair you imagine him though like in the bar beforehand

trying his luck do you know what i mean because's obviously, he's been chatting to her. He found out she's a Spurs supporter. Imagine him, hi, I'm Simon. Just glasses with the finger and thumb of one hand. You know, big cartoon face. I've always taken an interest in victims of urban deprivation. Because he can save her. He can spirit her away in his Merc. Get her away from these lesbians and street artists.

Yeah, he's got visions of her sat there with him, sipping a flute of Chardonnay in Harbinger's Country Club, like with her legs crossed neatly, like his own personal Eliza Doolittle or Sally Hemming. He's obviously just, they've had a very one-sided conversation, haven't they? In which mostly involved Simon Bates talking about Simon Bates

and his preferences. Because, you know, she's pretty. She doesn't really need to say anything. And he's showing an interest by going over and you know, he's discovered that she happens to be called Mandy and she's a Spurs supporter. She sings quite well though, he says. It's discovered that she happens to be called Mandy and she's a Spurs supporter. She sings quite well, though, he says. It's like, hey, no one cares what you think about football, Simon Bates.

But also, there's a little... Is he negging there? He's doing a little neg, isn't he? I'm assuming you are familiar with negging. Not that either of you would ever stoop to it, clearly, but it's... Explain to the Pulp Crazy Youngsters, sir. It is a pick-up artist technique where, basically, if you want to get a woman, you are slightly unpleasant to her.

And you say negative, you activate her self-doubt and take control of it by just pointing out that, you know, this happened to me once. I was at a wedding and I was next to the worst man ever, who I may have mentioned before, and he told me that my dress looked cheap. Nice. And it's like, wow, what the fuck?

And this didn't, you know, this, this, I don't know if that was necking or if he genuinely was just an asshole, but it's like an attempt to- Or maybe your dress really was cheap, Sarah. It was a nice dress, fuck you. Okay. Right, and now you've got to say,

now you see, now you've got to pull it back and no, actually, now you leave me alone and then you come back and you say something nice and then I go, oh, he's nice after all and I will submit to his will. So I think that's what Simon Bates has been doing to Mandy. Oh, that sounds like so much fucking faff. Well, you know, women are humans.

You can just talk to them. Anyway, but I mean... And I don't recall him saying anything about Chas and Dave when he introduced them with his fucking Spurs scarf on. Yeah. I remember he went, here's Chas and Dave with Tottenham Hotspur and then he went, way!

But maybe he's just gone up to this woman and just said, hello, what football team do you support? That's just how he likes to start a conversation. Born in Wigan in 1958, Christopher Hamill spurned the opportunity to join his dad and brothers down the pit and began his career as a trainee hairdresser and winner of a talent competition at the Wigan Casino

before moving down to London in the late 70s to join the group Brooks which also featured a pre-Bucks fizz Mike Nolan. After a chance encounter with the club singer Polly Perkins who would go on to be the bar manager in El Dorado, he was introduced to a theatrical agent who got him bookings in Panto in Swansea, Joseph in the Amazing Technical and Dreamcoat in Plymouth, and Godspell at West Cliff-on-Sea. In the meantime, he made a doomed attempt to get into the 1979 Song for Europe competition.

After landing one TV appearance on the gentle touch as a schoolboy who gets caught looking at a grot video by his mam, he focuses attention on music, getting signed to the independent label Angel, but was dropped when two singles flopped. After he made a bit of cash on the side by appearing on the cover of Photo Love Weekly in September of 1981, a Clark Shue advert and as an extra in the video for Stand and Deliver, which I've

looked at and I can't see him at all. So, don't know about that. Yeah, but remember he's Man of 100 Faces Lamar. Yes. Because we've seen a couple of other things with him in where he's unrecognisable he placed an advert in Melody Maker which read good looking talented singer songwriter front man looking for musicians to form what should be a successful band Japan, Yazoo and Soft Cell, no Des O'Connor fans.

Very unfair on Des. Melody Maker has a lot to answer for in some ways, doesn't it? The advert was responded to by the late and buzzard group Art Nouveau, who had placed their ad looking for a singer in Melody Maker a few weeks previously, which led to the former changing their name to Kajagoogoo and the latter changing his name to Lamajagoogoo and the latter changing his name to Lamar, an anagram of his surname. After putting together a demo, which was rejected by all major record labels, Lamar went back to his side job as a waiter at the Embassy Club in Old

Bond Street, where he ended up serving Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran. While he endlessly topped up his glass with champagne, he talked Rhodes into taking a copy of the demo, and a few days later, Rhodes called back, said he really liked the band and would set them up with EMI. In January of 1983, the band put out their debut single Too Shy, and thanks to the Duran connection, a timely plug by Paul Gambaccini on his Channel 4 show, The Other Side of the Tracks,

and Lamar and Nick Begg's weird tonsoral decisions, it soared up the charts, getting to number one for two weeks in February of that year. I think rather a lot of people got a timely plug from Paul Gambaccini around this time allegedly the follow-up who to be r got to number seven for two weeks in april of that year but all was not well in kajaland and in august of 1983 two months after their third single hang on now only got to number 17, Lamar was sacked over the phone. Oh.

I know. That's pretty brutal, isn't it, really? I mean, whatever you think of, you know, it's like over the phone, come on. Yeah. They would have done it in person, but they were too, no, I'm not going to do it. Yeah.

As the non-football and British Bulldog playing side of the playground was cleft in twain over the split, Lamar immediately A, signed a solo deal with EMI, B, linked up with Billy Gaff, Rod Stewart's manager in the 70s, and C, played up his misfortune to the media. His debut single, Only For Love, was immediately rushed out and got to number 16 in November of 1983. And when he flew out to Japan in early 1984 to perform the song at the Tokyo Music Festival, he was introduced to Giorgio Moroder, who had moved full-time into film soundtracks

and offered him the title track for a German fantasy film, which at the time was the most expensive film ever produced outside the USA or USSR. This is the follow-up to Too Much Trouble, which stiffed at number 64 in June of this year. It was recorded with Beth Anderson, a singer from Kentucky who recorded her vocals in an American studio, and is being covered for in this performance by Mandy Newton, one of Lamar's backing singers. After two weeks of lingering around the low reaches of the charts, it scraped into the number 40 spot two weeks ago, then it soared 20 places to number 20,

and this week it's jumped 10 places to number 10. So, me dears, the Kajagoogoo-Lamar split, did that mean anything to you? Not even slightly at all. My, how I, I know there's all this trauma and drama going on, I was just happily oblivious to it. Poor, poor Lamal, who was absolutely devastated, but was put on a brave face now.

Yeah, it's, I didn't, I only... Or who played the fuck up to it. I do know, so I have, I didn't have it at the time but i now have the very first now that's what i call music compilation and uh lamala's on it once with only for love and kajagooga on it twice once with him with too shy and once without him with big apple so weirdly because there was no other music in 1984 they had to had to put Catch a Goo Goo on twice. I suppose, strictly speaking, it's a different line-up, but, yeah.

But I had no idea. He's a baffling figure, Lamar, because he seemed totally pointless even then. He's not especially good-looking. I mean, he's quite rodent-like, isn't he? When you see him full face, he looks like he's going to gnaw through the microphone cable it's not just give him a good swipe with a broom um he's hardly

got a great voice his image was simultaneously really drab and clonishly trendy you know except with what was considered even then an uncommonly shit hairstyle. It's like if Bruce Foxton's seen a ghost. He didn't even fit into his own band, onto which he was bolted quite cynically as a potential teeny pop star when all the others were old proggers from Buckinghamshire. buckinghamshire and you know it's endlessly fascinating to look at people who amassed teen followings and work out what it was about them that appealed to so many people but with lamar it's a bit depressing because there's really nothing there at all and you sort of have to conclude that people just saw a package that was being sold to them and bought it obediently, which is a conclusion you never really want to reach because generally kids aren't so daft

and there's usually something there even if you've missed it and it's not healthy to see people as blindly swallowing robot sheep. It's not a good way to think. And if that's all there was to the to the teeny bot game there would be no risk attached and it would be embarrassingly easy to win which it isn't but as with westlife you examine limal in very great detail and still turn up nothing of interest and it's really gloomy when that happens because pop should be a bit better than that you know and usually is i mean the single most interesting

thing about him is whether or not he really was having it off with paul gambaccini um i mean his story is no paul gambaccini had just helped the band out and lamoni somewhere to live and rented a room in gambo's house. And they were just chums. Which is possibly true. I mean, just because they were both gay, it doesn't mean they couldn't keep their hands off each other automatically. But that's as far as you can care. Because what does it say about a pop star

that the most interesting thing about them is whether or not they were having it off with Paul Gambaccini? Although I've got a quote here from paul gambaccini talking about when he heard the kajagoogoo demo tape um yeah because he was the one he discovered them and it says uh there are times in my life when i get the feeling a state of excitement and bliss so intense it possesses me the feeling strikes instantly and without warning when i hear a song i love that i know is going to be a smash um he's referring to do to be r there which i really hope turns up on this podcast at some point because that is a fucking weird record isn Isn't it just?

I remember being at school when Kajagoogoo were knocking about. We all talk about bummers like Duran Duran but I remember Duran Duran getting a little bit of a free pass because they were a little bit older and they could clearly play their instruments but I remember Kajagoogoo getting all the shit. Despite the fact

that they were much better musicians than Duran Duran, because they were all jazz fusion idiots, weren't they? Yeah, but they didn't have the tunes, did they, really, in the end? They didn't have the beads, Duran Duran. I think that's why they got it. I mean, Lamar, to me, was the one with the

second maddest haircut in that band. I mean, by this point, Lamar's still playing up to the I was dumped, you know, motif. And he gave an interview in Melody Maker in June of this year. It kind of reads like the early 80s pop equivalent of the Martin Bashir interview with Lady Di. He says, my album sounds much more like Kajagoogoo than theirs does. What a boast.

I've said it before, but I'd like to remind everybody, I am the voice of that group. I am their identity. I mean, what have they done since they got rid of me? Nothing. I'm having the last laugh, believe me. When he gets interviewed about their new direction, he says,

about their new direction. He says, it's like they've had two chances to prove themselves since then and they've fallen short. Their new single is struggling badly and no one likes them anymore since they've gone in for the big Christian thing.

I mean, they've wrecked their image. Nobody wants them to be serious musos like they're trying to be now. They've been playing their image down completely, refusing to wear makeup for photos, and the kids just don't love them anymore. I met a girl the other day, and she said she didn't think they were the same band

now that Nick's got rid of his beads. They've cut their own throats. They're playing into my hands, really. I'm going to have the last laugh. Jesus Christ. And this is it going to have the last laugh. Jesus Christ. And this is it. This is his last laugh. Enjoy it. It looks like he's aged about

20 years in this performance and he's wearing a really shit leather jacket, matching trousers a white t-shirt and a poppy. Quite right. Yeah I want to stick up for the jacket actually because I've got one quite like that but bigger. It's like a leather bathrobe with back wing sleeves. It's

fucking awesome. I think they all went, because they did get really inexplicably big really inexplicably quickly, didn't they? And I think they all went a bit, they all went a bit mental. But, you know, the documentary where VH1 got them all back together and they all seemed alright, and Limahl seemed alright. I think he was probably, he was really young

and I think he just probably went a bit you know, this was, you know, obviously this was, you got the raw shit before media training and people would just splurge whatever was on their minds and I think you know, it's like, it's really painful but he seemed to have got over it eventually like, you know

30 years later or whatever and he seems, you know he seems like an alright boy oh, thunder but yeah, he seems like an all right bloke. Oh, thunder. But yeah, he's, the hair is quite something. Like a cross between one of black lace or possibly both. Yeah, black lace.

And Tracy Oldman show era Bart Simpson, isn't it? That's who he looks the most like. Yeah. And yeah, he does look a little bit tired. And he's got those insane veneers. He's got like the Jon Bon Jovi veneers, like glow-in-the-dark teeth. Yes. Which is always kind of weird.

Yes. And yeah, and Mandy, who was like his regular... Mandy Newton, this is, who was his... Yes. Which, you see, that's another thing about fucking Simon Bates, just introducing her as Mandy, like, you know, my good friend Mandy. And it's like... Because, you know, the whole... We were mandy and it's like because you know the whole we were

talking about the uh the pricey um uh defined some rap um there's also i think the category of some bird yes which is a woman who uh either sings on a record or and or steps in to perform that part on shows but either way goes sort of either yeah unnamed or not quite named not quite properly credited you know. So that's a bit of a pisser, isn't it? It's like, oh, she's called Mandy. Yes, her name is Mandy Newton. She's actually a regular backing singer for him.

And it's not like she's in the background. No. With a mic stand or anything. She's interacting with him. Yeah, so it's a very intimate, slightly awkward, but basically sort of sweet performance. So obviously, you know, they knew each other. And they do that in the middle.

It's something to do during the middle eight i suppose is do the kind of school disco oh that's snuggle dance you know and and sort of whisper and they're whispering things to each other and he does a big laugh and it's like what did she what could she have said or is he just laughing for sheer joy at being with this woman it's weird like the crowd loved that smooch and looking back from the future we can see right through it and he shouldn't have to do it but that's the way it went you know it's like it's this kind of weird demonstration of heterosexuality on top of the parts yes it is oh them all like skulls hooray don't get me wrong i'm a big fan of heterosexuality for me, but half the

fun of it is it's not for everyone. You know, it would be a bit of a drag if it were. The crowd that's here, it's quite a desultory handful of the kids, isn't it? And most of them are in stripy plastic party bowler hats and there's those crappy little sandcastle flags

with the top of the pub's logo and just all the granny clapping straight away. They've not got much to work with here anyway. I mean, this whole song, it's just about that key change into the chorus, isn't it? Like the door opening into this stupid fairytale world. And, you know, as you'd expect, that's handled by Giorgio Moroder with the minimum of fuss to maximum effect,

and it has to be because there's nothing else going on in this song at all, and whatever else you might say for Limahl, he's not a singer who can really seize control of a song and elevate it, and also you can't really respect a song whose hook line um best bit goes never ending story oh oh oh oh oh don't knock yourself out mr lyricist you know keep something back for the next smash it and i mean i'm all for silly noises and grunts but it's hard to get into a song with a chorus like that because it's like being paid with an IOU. It's not satisfying and you feel a bit short-changed. And all the musical space has been filled,

but it's just been filled with sawdust and sandbags like someone couldn't be bothered, you know. And that's the hinge on which the whole song is swinging. I mean, the, uh the uh bit that used to get right on my tits mainly because my mates at the time you know when you're a teenager even at the age of 16 or something you know teenagers just develop verbal tics and i just quite happen to just sit there and just make noises well one of my mates used to do godzilla and my other mate out of nowhere we'd be you know be on the bus or something

like that and he'd suddenly go uh yeah so that this is this is bringing back memories of being annoyed on a bus what I'm trying to trying to impress girls the obvious compare and contrast is uh we're together in electric dreams which is at number five this week. Yes, it's down from number four to number five. So we've got another lead singer of the early 80s going up against Giorgio Moroder doing a film song. And yeah, it doesn't stand up very well to it, does it? The thing is, though, like Giorgio Moroder, he is a man who don't give a fuck.

I think we can all agree. He's kind of gloriously indiscriminate in his career. He's like, he did a thing earlier this year. He did like a sort of, he did, he did a show and kind of did like a chronological kind of walk through his career.

And it's completely mad because there's, you know, obviously I feel love, which is the alpha record of house music and one of the peaks of human endeavor. And then, you know, just, just kind of, kind of sad endeavor and then you know just just kind of uh

kind of sad bollocks like this but um i mean he's apparently he said that his favorite composition is take my breath away by berlin oh it's just a kind of mad billowing moody synth pop storm cloud which is literally what we're in the middle of a thunderstorm right now and it sounds just like Take My Breath Away, but better. It's amazing. Together in Electric Dreams, everyone's pretty much agreed it's a decent song. Yeah, I love it. This is his runty little brother.

The thing about this is that it's meant to evoke the film that it's from. I mean, it literally is. I mean,on bates got it wrong by calling it never ending song but it doesn't just fade out it also fades in see see um but it's meant to it's the thing is that it's it's meant to be this sort of soaring fantasy ditty and you know it sort of delivers on you know it's kind of like it's not really poignant but it's supposed to you know it's sort of supposed to prod that bit of your brain. Yeah.

I don't know if either of you have seen the film, The NeverEnding Story. No. It's fucking mental. It's absolutely mad. Yeah. No, it's horrible. It's German, actually. It was made by the guy Wolfgang Peterson, who previously made Das Boot, just to give you some idea.

But this is for kids and it's about it's amazing, it's got very heavy themes it was in German, the original title is Die Underliche Geschichte and it's brutally dark and upsetting and this was something I guess I must have seen it at the cinema because I remember it

very clearly and it's fucking terrifying. It's about grief and the power of imagination and making bullies piss their pants. And, you know, there's a force of evil. The big bad in it is like the force of evil called the nothing,

which is like this kind of sentient oblivion that eventually consumes, consumes everything. It's fucking, it's fucking terrifying so you know you wouldn't know it really from from this song no um which wasn't originally it was kind of tacked on to like the american and british release of the film right it's not in the original one so i it's just wrapped up with it's something that that reminds me of that film so actually this song is like has this profound darkness underneath it because i just

remember you know there's a there's a bit in the film where um they're kind of the really famous bit where there's there's a place called the swamps of despair and the hero rides into it with his horse and the horse is overcome by by existential woe and just stands there and won't move and it drowns. We've all been there. Yeah. Yeah, so there you go. There's some interesting dissonance there. Yeah, I mean, I come to this song as cold as I did when it came out and to me it's just cat shit. I think the Vesta advert sitar effect, that really gets on my tits. And I don't think I knew at the time that it was Giorgio Moroder,

but it was like, oh, fucking hell, mate. I think he would have quite happily done the theme tune to Tickle on the Tum at the time if there was enough money involved in it. I mean, I respect that, though. I love that he's kind of not a snob about his own stuff, even though he's done some trash. The writer Dori Linsky described him as half craftwork, half starship, which is about perfect, really.

I just wish this was the mid-'80s film theme by Giorgio Moroder that was being brutalised by those fucking basic bros with their ridiculous beards and wooden instruments in that fucking advert because ruined it because yeah i mean this would sound like simpering gloop if lou reed did a version of it you know i mean it's like very bad for the soul this is you know yeah i actually saw lamal round about this time in Nottingham City Centre. I think he was there. I don't think he was doing a gig,

but he'd done an appearance on Summit for Central. I don't know, fucking emu's pink windmill or bullseye or something like that. And he appeared in the top window of a building in the Market Square. And it was heaving with people, obviously, because seeing a celebrity in nottingham was like seeing a giraffe in nottingham it just didn't do it so i'm just standing in this crowd just out of something to do i think i probably bunked off college like everyone else had and all i can remember is half the crowd were screaming girls going absolutely mancle at this gonk waving at them and the other other half were youths in tracksuits just standing there shouting,

Jump, guy! Jump! Nice. The following week, the never-ending story leapt five places to number five, eventually reaching number four. However, after taking much of 1985 off, he reunited with Moroder for the LP Colour All My Days, only for it to get zero out of ten in smash hits. And the lead-off single Love In Your Eyes only getting to number 80,

his last appearance in the UK charts. He spent the 90s working as a dance music producer, briefly linked up with his old band in 2003 for an episode of VH1's Bands Reunited, toured with them five years later, appeared in I'm a Celebrity earlier this decade, has been on Assorted Atri's retro tours as a solo act, and the single popped up in the final episode of the latest series of Stranger Things.

But I don't know how, because I've only seen one episode and I didn't reckon it much I can tell you if you're interested sorry no no don't bother I just saw this scene where all the kids got taken in their parents cars to an amusement arcade and dropped off and I just got really angry at that the luxury that American youths had in the 80s yeah that's probably not for you. No.

That's Lamar with Never Ending Story with Mandy from Tom. There's a new video out, first time on Top of the Pops. It's by Stavis Quo, and it's really good fun. I mean, that's all it is. It's The Wanderer. Have a look at it, see what you think. Bates has wasted no time whatsoever in getting stuck into the girls, but oh dear, the floor manager has picked out some wonderfully leery ones. The one on the left, in lacy fingerless gloves, a blue top and matching hair, smoulders at the camera like she was on the cover of Rio, while her mate, in a grey dress with all Chinese writing on it and a big mesh insert around the arms and midriff,

puts her face right up against Bates' chin and piss-takingly nods at everything he says. That was remarkable, wasn't it? I love them. They're my favourites. They're like my favourite Top of the Pops audience members ever. Yes. I really hope they were mates.

Like, because I want to write a sitcom about them, like sharing a flat and going out dancing and winding up twats, you know. They're amazing. I'm not so sure. They don't seem to go together. What it is, it's the way that that girl with the blue hair is doing that really determined, sultry stare.

It's hard to do that when you've got an English face and a royal blue Cossack hat of your own hair, like perched on top of that ruddy moon. It's an unfair setup. That look that she's cultivating is not suitable for sultry stares. Whereas if you look like a Spanish glamour model like the other one, she out-sultries the other one, even though she's pulling faces like Phil Cool on his first pill.

Yeah, I don't know. They seem a funny match. No, she knows what she's about, the girl in the blue. That's a really powerful smirk. I know she's sort of pouting, but she's smirking. She's got like a sort of lip curl going on. And she's also sort of taking the piss a bit. I think they've formed a pincer movement.

But yeah, they were just my favourites ever. And I hope they're happy somewhere because they deserve it. We need to reunite them. Yeah, let's do that. Bates, clearly thrown by all this, describes the following act thusly. There's a new video out, the first time on top of the pops it's by status quo and it's really good fun i mean that's all it is see what you think it's selling it hard isn't it unbelievably insulting yeah yeah this is it's really good fun mean, that's all it is. Just in case you thought it was an adaptation of Dante's Purgatoria,

the original Italian. Yeah, it's like Rigsby trying to explain to Miss Jones why he's bought this split crotch play suit off an advert in the News of the World for a birthday. But it's, yeah, it's the fact that he's trying to be positive, but he gets a bit embarrassed in the middle, like a dad whose enthusiasm is awkward, you know, and he suddenly realises it. Yeah, it's like, oh, I've met these girls and they've been really friendly

and now I've got to talk about status quo. He's trying to style his way out of it, isn't it? But Simon Bates' style are two concepts that just do not go together. Yeah, it's just a bit of fun. Yeah, mate, a lot of terrible deeds have been excused with that expression. I would wind that in do not go together. Yeah, it's just a bit of fun. Yeah, mate, a lot of terrible deeds have been excused with that expression. I would wind that in if I were you. It's like whatever is coming is not going to be good.

You can tell. And watching Status Quo stand on the back of a lorry being driven round London on a miserable day with cutaway shots of old ladies pointing at them and all that stuff. It's a pretty fucked up vision of really good fun. The video he's introducing is The Wanderer by Status Quo. Formed in the Sedge Hill Comprehensive School in Catford in 1962 by Francis Rossi and Alan Lancaster,

the Scorpions began their career gigging around pubs in London before changing their name to the Spectres. In 1965, after playing a sort of butlins, the band got to know Rick Parfit, who was playing in a cabaret band. And a year later, they signed to Piccadilly Records and changed their name to Traffic and then changed it again to Traffic Jam

because Stevie Wingwood had bagged it first. Their first four singles flopped, but after Parfitt finally joined the band, the fifth single, Pictures of Matchstick Men, put them over the top, getting them to number seven for three weeks in February of 1968. Although the follow-up, Black Veils of Melancholy failed to chart, they'd have four more chart hits up to 1970 before diminishing returns set in and their next two

LPs flopped. In 1970, they dropped their vaguely psychedelic sound and picked up on the boogie sounds that were emanating from the US and after they signed to Vertigo Records in 1972 they came back with a vengeance with a single paper plane getting to number eight and the LP Piledriver getting to number five in February of 1973. This kicked off a run of 13 chart hits across the 70s which peaked in January of 1975 went down down usurped Lonely This Christmas from the number one spot and stayed there for a week before being toppled by Miss Grace by the Times they got off to an absolute flyer in the 80s when What You're Proposing got to number two in November of 1980 held off the top spot by Woman in Love by barbara streisand and this their 11th chart hit

this decade so far is the follow-up to going downtown tonight which got to number 20 in june of this year it's the cover of the dion single which got to number 10 in march of 1962 and number 16 in june of 1976 and it's spending its second week at number seven and here's the video with the band playing on the back of a flatbed truck which is going through london or status quo taking their brand of rock and roll chaos to the streets oh well it's shot in in the documentary style which is to say that it looks absolutely terrible. Yes. And, you know, it is, yeah.

It's a miserable sort of nothing day in London. And none of the, you know, no kind of distinctive bits of London. And, yeah, just people going past looking either, you know, quite happy because, like, oh, this is the highlight of my day, just seeing some praneks on the back of a truck. Or just fully nonplussed and fully kind of unimpressed like the first cutaway is to a bloke who's just like huh yes i don't know what they thought they were doing but what did they ever think they were doing really they're not uh you know i think mark radcliffe described status quo

as the most aptly named band ever and they are the sound of sameness echoing in a void. I'm not a status quo hater because who could be, right? No. How would you summon the heart to object to these unobtrusive old twats? But besides, they did do some quite good records in that very particular style. In as much as if you want to listen to a record like that, these are very much your men, or were in a younger day. Because by this point, I mean, Francis Rossi is only about 35 here.

I know. By the old rules, you know, and his soul is ancient stone. Yeah. You know, and his soul is ancient stone. Yeah. Was it not the Stones who were the first to do this back of a truck stunt in the modern era? I mean, like everything else the Stones ever did, I think it was stolen from old black American musicians who used to perform on trucks. But they did it to promote their 1975 American tour.

They went down Fifth Avenue playing Brown Sugar on the back of a truck. But the thing is, to see the Rolling Stones on the back of a truck, even in New York, seems like an unusual and remarkable thing. Yeah. Whereas to see Status Quo on the back of a truck, like recycling, just seems perfectly natural natural like it's the obvious place for them to be um the whole video shot in that certain way yeah on a certain kind of film stock in a certain kind of london light that it looks like an episode of minder um and

rick parfitt looks about as healthy as the guest stars in Minder as well with his dark, puffy jowls. He's the dead spit of Rick Spangle there, the millionaire pop star owner of Fulchester United. Second reference to Billy the Fish. The worst thing about this video, you can't help thinking, this video obviously took all day and part of the evening to shoot because it starts in the daylight and ends in darkness. And it's all lip synced.

Every shot is them lip syncing. So how many times do you think they had to play The Wanderer through speakers on the lorry in the course of making this film? How profoundly sick do you think everyone got? I was sick of this song by the second verse. Do you know what I mean? It's got that horrible vacuum

pack production which makes it all sound sort of distantly loud and completely uneventful so i don't think it's a record that would stand up too well to endless repetition so the idea of it being inescapable all day and with the droning of the engine and the smell of fully leaden exhaust fumes, the damp buildings just scrolling by all looking the same. I fancy that they would have come close to turning to drink as the afternoon wore on or wore off just to get through this. It's going around, around, around, around, around, around, around. Again, again, again, again.

Around, around, around, around. Because if someone came up to you in 1984 and said, oh, you know, Status Quo got a new single out. Yeah, it's the cover of The Wanderer. You'd go, oh yeah, I know exactly what that sounds like. I don't need to hear it. It's funny

because this is obviously quite a jolly rendition of it and Francis Rossi's kind of having a little smirk to himself about all these women but it's actually really fucking bleak it's like once you get to the middle age

this is an old roo who is putting it about the place he's obviously been, he's had his heart broken by Rosie, whose name he has tattooed on his chest. Yeah, that could be a reference to his favourite police-based sitcom, though. Yeah, but that's who killed his heart dead.

So now every time he starts to feel feelings for a woman, he gets in his car and drives off. And so now he's just going around and around and around, giving everyone chlamydia and waiting for death. It's quite grim, actually. It's a load of bollocks when you apply it to status quo because they were the most groupie adverse bands of their era. You know, out of the own mouth of Francis Rossi

in an interview with John Harrison Q in 2001. He said, this is talking about the weather going out on tour in the 70s. One of the guys we knew had a Cine 8 projector with these films. Everybody would check into the hotel, grab a towel and come back to one of the rooms. The projector was pointed at the net curtains, but it would also project across the street. People would walk along the street, seeing huge tits and knobs on the wall. Everybody would be on a bed, having a polish. You did everything in everyone's company. Having a polish was nothing to worry about. I remember a German girl in amongst all this, all these blokes who were clearly aroused, saying,

Englishman? Shag? It was like, no, fuck off, I'm trying to have a polish. So there you go, there's a nice little mental image for people who listen to podcasts in bed at night. Thanks, Al. Probably all rocking back and forth in unison. Yeah, now every time I hear that... The pictures to go with it are there. That's what they're for. It's for men to have a polish, for fuck's sake.

But they're such a pub band. It is like they've taken a truck that was previously heavily laden with kegs or casks of real ale and they've just swapped them all out with with status quo i mean they are basically the sonic equivalent of an overflowing drip tray to me like you said i mean you can't you can't really hate them but um no but i try um you realize they've got uh they've got a new album out or or they, it's Francis Rossi and someone else. Yeah. Because I knew that I'd seen and kind of marvelled at

the posters on the tube, and it looks like they've done the posters themselves. It's such a miracle of bad graphic design. It's all red and black and looks really sort of fashy. Oh, Donny Quark Express. Yeah. Get me a giff of a guitar. But there's a, I was like, they've put a tagline on it.

And I cannot remember what it is. So I had to ask Facebook. And all I could think of was, get some quo up here. And it's not that, but that's what my, that's all my memory could offer. It's like, how about this? Like, oh God, no, but it's something like that. And what it is is actually keep quoing and put some backbone on. Right.

Okay, so, I mean, I've done copywriting. There's a lot to unpack here. Like, okay, so obviously that means the album. You know, the album is called Backbone. But it doesn't work because idiomatically you can't put backbone on no no i was just thinking like you can show a little backbone or you can like grow a backbone or whatever but you can't you can't put someone but like keep that they've kind of i'm i'm just fascinated by this like who who did this i don't think it was someone who actually works in marketing i think it was one of status quo yeah quo is for some reason a really hilarious

phoneme or syllable um or both but like you know yo bum rush the quo nice hell quo hell quo it's could to be backbone i was trying to come up with something worse and it's like i'm not sure base how quo could you go quo quo quo your boat gently down the stream nice they're just like the end of of creativity for me now it's like I've hit a wall you know it's it's there's just a brick wall of kind of unimaginative sludge this is around the time that that all the metalers at my school were in a quo um i suppose because they're they'd now position themselves there quite smartly i suppose playing donnington and all that sort of stuff but the singles they were putting out uh in the early 80s were all this kind of rocking chair boogie you know they did

margarita time uh a mess of blues yeah all these cover versions quo waddy wadder yeah it was denim doon yes and i didn't really see the link to iron maiden no motorhead you know but it was all subcultural wasn't it it was the link wasn't such musical it was between people who were happy to wear the same jeans for nine weeks and live on cider and barbiturates it was weird that metal scene of the early 80s before metal split and became on the one hand a fairly respected and challenging genre and on the other that sort of la uh ponce rock you know in those days there was still a a straight line from bikers and Hell's Angels to heavy metal. And the whole idea of being serious or credible or moving with the times, those were alien concerns.

Because at root, metal is all about a single moment. It's about prolonging the moment. And the aim of metal is a kind of singularity with nothing coming in or going out. And I sort of like that, but not to the point where I'd tolerate listening to status quo from half a mile away in a sleeping bag full of piss, surrounded by humans.

But I would take this quo over the next quo, which was in the army now. And, you know, that baby Keith Harris drummer that they got. He looked like the little bloke from the Barren Nights, but in satin running shorts and a terry towel in headband. He was dressed like Ginger Lynn, but with the face of a prematurely born lamb. You know what I mean?

I mean, this is, at least this is a status quo record for better or for worse. It's sort of yeoman-like and it's like a massive slab of cheap pork. Yeoman-like, if you will. Yes. Cooked with no seasoning.

It's that, but that late 80s quo has got the stink of the real scorpions about it. You know, that sort of horrible central european trash sincerity yeah you know when they're they're actually singing about stuff and you're not just asked to swallow this humorless stupidity you're asked to swallow humorless stupidity from men of 40 in bomber jackets and tight jeans and white plimsolls, like they somehow know better than you.

I say, shut up and bang your head. I mean, the thing that really threw me about this video then and now was that Ross is in what's known as an MA1 flight jacket, which was known around my way as a green jacket, which was something I actually owned at the time. And, you know it'd been the style for a couple of years uh mainly for skinheads or usually like ub40 um and he tries to moderate it by having not one but two cut out metal guitar badgers but then he he fucks it up again by having a tie underneath it it's like what what kind of look are you going for there

is he's trying to reach back to his mod roots? I wonder. I would say kind of Brickhouse nightclub bouncer. Yeah. But I mean, like the best videos of the early 80s, it's got loads of shots of proper London. But it's also got loads of shots of people who are really unimpressed by seeing status quo on the back of a van.

I mean, that lad in the Iron Maiden t-shirt, he's not that arsed, is he? No. He's not that arsed, is he? No. No. He's not as impressed as the woman in that really horrible lady-dye dress with the big stupid bow, or the haggard milkman with a fag in his mouth who gives him the thumbs up at the beginning.

Of course he would. There's some really rubbish punks. And they're even trying to get a bit of fucking breakdancing in as well. There's that one lad who does a bit of a spin round and i always wonder how much shit did he get at school for breaking in a quo video and of course parfait tries to um one up him and show him he's still down with the kids by walking on his hands yeah but one of the youths tries to kick him up the arse and the other one thinks very seriously about legging him up. So, yeah, the kids are not paying respect to the quo in this video at all, are they?

I mean, what was the concept behind this video? Was it like, oh, we're going to, you know, we'll just show it's London, you know, and they'll be so happy to see us and it'll bring a little excitement into their grey little London lives and, you know, they'll be so delighted to see it. And, you know, if those were the best they got I want to see the outtakes from this yeah you can imagine can't you

like people just swearing at them and stuff yeah I wonder how many flick V's they got just a cavalcade of V's but bad as it would get after this for status quo it did get better again in that they did make Bula Quo

the monkeys like musical adventure comedy from what from 2013 have you not heard of that right when rossi was 64 and path it was 63 um they made yeah bula quo it's uh set in Fiji, and they're on the run from gangsters. And yeah, it's a romp. It's like a 60s-style rock band romp film. And it's absolutely the greatest and most wonderful thing they could possibly have done at that point in their career,

because it's completely unexpected in every way um right down to the fact that it's not even shit in the way you'd expect right because i watched it i thought this is going to be jaw-dropping and disturbing and uproarious but it's not you watch it and it's just another incredibly dull 21st century British film, which manages to make status quo play down, down on ukuleles while on the run from gangsters in the South Pacific. Seemed like the most predictable thing in the world. It's a classic to put aside St Trinian's 2,

the legend of Fritten's gold. Or Run For Your Wife with Danny Dyer and Denise Van Alten. Jesus. But just the fact that they did it, that'll have got Parfit into heaven, I reckon. Amazing. Anything else to say? Only one thing.

I want to leave you with this mental image. It turns out they did an acoustic album. Do you want to take a guess at what it was called? Oh. Not aquostic. Yep. Yes! Aquostic. Stripped bear. And guess what

they are doing on the cover? Wanking in unison. I've been appalled. No, they are not having a polish, but they are nude. With only guitars to cover their embarrassment Jesus for fuck's sake ripping off the metal donut banders yeah when are they gonna get their fucking dues I was going through the 1985 smash it's year oh yes the other day published late 1984 of course which uh I thought some people off this episode would be in it but the only one

who is is rick parfit who um appears with his then girlfriend debbie ash out of hot gossip leslie ash's sister also played the title role in rosie dixon nightmares, the perfect archetype and apotheosis of the horrible British sex comedy, where she appears alongside Beryl Reid, John LeMessurier, Liz Fraser, John Junkin, Bob Todd, Harry Taub, and big-hearted Arthur Askey, who gets to grope her for our titillation. Jesus. And big-hearted Arthur Askey, who gets to grope her for our titillation. Jesus. So they do a feature about pop stars and their other halves, and they interview her,

and she paints a lovely picture of their domestic bliss. She says, Rick thinks I'm a great cook. He loves my Heinz spaghetti on toast. I suppose Rick's quite romantic. He sometimes buys me flowers, but only every now and then. That's what makes it so nice. If he did it all the time, it would be awful.

Man, that's bleak. She was married to Eddie Kidd before she met Rick. Good Lord. She obviously had a thing for unhealthy Jack the Lad, but she does also say that despite the rock and roll lifestyle she and rick trust each other absolutely which is very uh sweet yeah well he's not gonna have a wank with his mates he knows he's uh he'd rather have a polish yes he's got nothing to worry about so the following week the Wanderer stayed at number 7 for its third week

before slipping down the charts however unbeknown to the heads down no nonsense boogie crazed youngsters were infighting like bastards still burned out from their last tour bassist Alan Lancaster had relocated to Australia

and in 1985 Francis Rossi made moves to kickstart a solo career, a quo-lo career, if you will, as Lancaster had taken out a legal injunction to prevent them performing a status quo without his involvement. After an out-of-court settlement, their follow-up, Rolling Home, got to No. 9 in may of 1986 and they'd have 20 more top 40 hits they've just released their 33rd studio lp and they stand alone as the band who made the most appearances on top of the pops with 87 performances and 106 appearances on

the show oh just one more thing from this article with John Harrison Q. A tale at the end from Mr Ross. He says, I arrived at the airport back from Amsterdam. The guy said, where have you been? I said, don't take the piss. You know where I've been. Where have you been?

I said, you know where I've been. It's on the luggage label. That's why you pulled me in. It carried on until I said you know where I've been it's on the luggage label that's why you pulled me in it carried on until I said Amsterdam what did you go there for he said I said not that it's your business but to shag the wife get away from the children eat some fantastic food and smoke some dope he said you it then. He's looking through my gear, my jacket. We're convinced you're smuggling. He looked at my arse,

everything. Can you lift your testicles up? I was there for three hours. At the end, he said, I'm a great fan of yours. I'm coming to see you in Brighton with the girls from Debenhams. Yeah, wanderer I roam around, around, around, around, around, around, around So it is the status quo for the Wanderer this week.

They are number seven in the charts. To the highest new entry now is Depeche Mode. You may have seen them live on the whistle test doing Somebody. Tonight, live on Top of the Pops, Blasphemous Rumours. Skinner, wisely separated from the leery kids, bangs on about Top of the Pops being live again and asks us if we saw the last act on whistle test doing somebody for no for no it's blasphemous rumors by depeche mode we've discussed depeche mode fucking loads and this their 12th single release is part of a double

a side with somebody it's the follow-up to Master and Servant, which got to number 9 in September of this year, and is the third and fourth cut from the LP Some Great Reward, which came out in late September. And it's the highest on one of only two new entries this week, in at number 29. Before we go any further, did you notice the metal badge that Skinner's wearing? It's the tube. Yes, it's the tube logo. The tube, the programme, the tube.

Yeah. It's like he's having a little chuckle there to himself, I think. So right at the beginning of this, the flags go up and they're immediately put down by most of the kids. Ball one. There's one lad still waving his flag. Do you think there that the floor manager was going, for fuck's sake, put that down. This is a song about teenage suicide.

It's like it's not appropriate. So once again, Depeche Mode darken our doors. And Sarah, I believe this is your first time with them. So go, you have it. Well, if you'll indulge me i just like to spaff on a sec about how much i love depeche mode ow ask me how much i love depeche mode sarah how much bloody love them i they're just a colossally great synth pop band aren't they i mean you know i i almost forgot about them and it's like oh yeah fucking depeche mode and they're like a sort of

plushy amalgam of soft cell and nine inch nails aren't they because this single is basically them turning on a sixpence and moving away from what they were and becoming the band that most people know them by today isn't it yeah yeah it probably is around this time isn't it yeah i mean i i kind of i kind of love every era really i mean they've just got such a great sound and the singles are so great. They look great. The songs are wicked. They do, you know, moody stuff and sexy stuff and sincerely sweet stuff and stuff you can swing your arms around to. And it's got to be said, Dave Garn is a really I think he's a really brilliant pop star. He somehow manages to be like at once deadpan and just really dirty.

And, you know, he can sing about... There's not many people who can sing about the beauty of innocence one minute and the brutality of BDSM the next, are there? No. He's got this really pleasing, resonant, deep voice, which is very plain, but it's really satisfying as well. It's kind of languid and urgent at the same time.

And this is where he's kind of growing... It's Bourneville, is what you're saying. We can do better than Bourneville. I think it's more one of the sort of... Green and blacks. I would go Lint. Lint with a touch of salt. Oh.

That's the good stuff. But yeah, I mean, I think around this time he's kind of growing, he's growing into his voice, like a sort of, you know the way that German shepherd puppies grow into their ears? He's kind of doing that.

And occasionally he sort of guns it into a bit of vibrato, like a classic racing car. You know the way that German shepherd puppies grow into their ears? He's kind of doing that. And occasionally he sort of guns it into a bit of vibrato, like a classic racing car. It's just one of the most thrilling sounds in pop for me. And the other thing is, of course, they've got this great dynamic, which is Martin Gore's second vocals. He's not even really backing their second, and a lot of the time he does the chorus and stuff.

And it's just such a... that offsets it so perfectly actually i just realized uh with him and uh with dave gantz sort of um chocolatey thing and and martin gore doing the kind of yearning plangent falsetto highlights you could call it the level 42 dynamic couldn't you but but i ain't gonna i don't think it's appropriate just forget i said it um i mean yeah so martin gore i mean as as demonstrated here in fact not gonna win the nobel prize for his lyrics anytime soon no i don't know if he's a sort of naive or just just naff yeah but i mean he's had some moments of sort of simple poetry, none of which appear in this song. But the thing is that Dave always sells it and it always works because there's just the right amount of seriousness in the delivery somehow so that the songs don't collapse under their own duffness,

which really, I don't know how they've pulled that off, but they really do. You could uncharitably describe this performance as shaking Neubauten but you know you you can't you can't expect the pub craze youngsters to immediately pitch into that sort of thing yeah I mean there's a there's a long tradition of taking the avant garde and popping it up isn't it it's perfectly respectable thing to do this is a nice easing in isn't it this is this is Depeche Mode putting the tip of the hammer in i wanted what you were gonna say then sound very right at all you know what i'm saying though i i know no i i do i do know what you're saying i it this is a really good performance i think it's it's one of two

like proper performances this episode i would say um i mean this is my for a start it's like this is my favorite era as I've probably said before for Top of the Pops sets so there's the lovely angular neon behind them which suits them just right and you know

it's a really dramatic performance of a dramatic song there's like there's a couple of little industrial touches there's your man there hammering a stack of breeze blocks

which I don't think I've seen before or since and I know man you wouldn't want to be depeche mode's roadies at this time would you no you wouldn't oh fuck you that's that's that's taking the piss isn't it really yeah because you know back in the day it was just a like a hall door full of those little casio keyboards and some plastic trumpets and now it's fucking

huge blocks of concrete yeah now they're like no we have a vision. And somebody's bike, there's a bit of, Martin Gore's doing a bit of multitasking, he's doing a bit of impromptu bike repair. Which I should say is actually, he's just running a drumstick over the spinning spokes, which both looks and sounds good. Dave is, how old is he here? He's like 22, but obviously still looks...

Well, he looks 15 now... He looks 15 now. He looks 15. He's going to start shaving at any moment. But he's totally self-assured. He's got terrific stage presence, just looks really relaxed. And it has to be said, just so pretty. Well, no wonder, because this must have been about the 34th performance they've done on Top of the Pops so far.

Yeah, it is. They are kind of quite at home on this stage by now aren't they but i mean yeah i mean he grew into his looks as well like he sort of after a while after this he um he still got the sort of blonde blonde quiff at this point yeah and then he kind of grew it grew grew that out and discovered eyeliner which which really helped and also discovered heroin which i guess helped helped for a time and then stopped helping and then didn't die which I'm really pleased about I'm glad to still share a planet with Dave Garn

who now looks like a sort of cross between Jeff Goldblum and Michael Hutchence Right He's pulled it off, that's pretty lucky He should look like the 100 year old man at this point He did The song lyrics aside just for the time being looked like the hundred year old man at this point but you know um but yeah so i mean the song um

lyrics aside just for the time being um it's a good catchy tune and it's got a good chorus and it's got a potentious it's got this potentious introduction it's like here comes the song it's a serious song and there's loads of like sonically interesting stuff going on there's loads of twinkling and gurgling and rattling and chiming but loads of like sonically interesting stuff going on there's loads of twinkling and gurgling and rattling and chiming but loads of space around all of that for everything to breathe so yeah i enjoyed this very much if only top of the pops had chosen to give out uh sledgehammers and lumps of concrete to the pop craze youngsters instead of flags and balloons for this particular performance then you would have seen some interesting shit, wouldn't you?

I mean, I'm just really glad that they didn't hand out, like, inflatable hammers or... Oh, yeah. Or given the theme... I mean, Christ, they could have run with it, you know, given the theme of the song, like, giant comedy cardboard razor blades or something. Yes.

I wouldn't have put it... I bet somebody thought of that and then went, no, I don't think we can, sorry. So, yeah, I mean, it's not as good as Shake the Disease, but I mean, what is, frankly? So that concludes Sarah's gushing about Depeche Mode. Is Taylor going to ruin it for me or not? If there's one thing chart music has done for me,

it's to educate me in the early singles of Depeche Mode, which do turn up with astonishing regularity. But this one, I knew really well already, partly because it's from this period of my hyper attention to contemporary pop, and partly because it's an unforgettably hilarious record. You know, it's I mean, I've talked about Martin Gore's appalling lyrics on here before when things are as funny as this and you can't quite tell how funny that they're meant to be or even if they're meant to be funny at all but I can take it you know and I'm also something of a connoisseur of pop lyrics which

would be circled in red pen by an English teacher but which made it onto the record because nobody was prepared to step in and have a word like I love all the crazy malapropisms on jam records and stuff. And I like the awkward wrongness of the chorus lyrics here because aside from anything else, there's no such thing as a blasphemous rumour. But it's the easy word, rumour, that's being misused here. It's not the difficult word, blasphemous. Say, like, if somebody out of Depeche Mode

thinks God's got a sick sense of humour, that could be described as a blasphemous opinion or a blasphemous statement. Yes. But it's not a rumour, is it? Yeah. I can't think of anything that could be described as a blasphemous rumour.

If you put it around that God was a nonce, but I don't know. But there's generally a very poor fit between metaphysics and the concept of gossip you know it is and i think it's one which which martin fails to overcome in the text of this particular song written with a crayon clutched in his fist tongue poking out the side of his mouth bag of ice on the top of his head but it's a really enjoyable record um even though like never-ending story and like a lot of tepeche moe singles actually it's all based around the one trick which is the transition from that sort of

amorphous gloom of the verse into the the forward moving chorus which suddenly sounds like the sun coming out and that's what makes this a single because yeah the rest of it's an excuse to hit things with ambers isn't it and play those honking discordant synthesizer sounds and to

explore the sartorial possibilities of mixing dog tooth sports jackets with black leather trousers which is a bold look if if nothing else. But it's the mid-1980s, and the colours don't clash, which seems to have been the only consideration in those days when picking out an outfit. If you look at the great messes of 1984,

one thing you can say for them is that people have learnt how to colour coordinate. You don't see the lilac pullovers and brown tweed jackets of the 70s anymore, right? Your frog green tartan trousers at least go with your purple diagonally buttoned blouse with epaulets, you know, in terms of chromatics, if nothing else.

This brings to mind the concept of banter God, doesn't it? It's like when we all die, we're going to be confronted by a giant yellow sphere with tears coming out of its eyes, but never falling. What if God was one of us? And he was a cunt, is basically what this song is saying. Yeah. But there are two really positive things you can take from this,

which is, first of all, even in the deep winter of the 1980s and the rollback of a lot of the progress that had been made since the Second World War, Britain was a sufficiently civilised country that people could sing this song on early evening BBC One on what was effectively a kids' show without the broadcaster having to issue an apology or the band being hacked to pieces in the street with machetes. I think we should value that a little bit more than we do. Secondly, pop music is so robust and durable and artful that a bunch of Basildon bozos can stand there and sing,

hit by a car, ended up on a life support machine. And it's fine. And nobody cares because the depth of this sort of semi-literate juvenile rubbish doesn't determine whether or not it's a good record and and it is you know because other things about it are appealing including the fact that they sing something as preposterous as that on it and there's no paradox there because in this wonderful low art form which we're so lucky to have those rules don't apply and sensationalism and silliness and sometimes just utter stupidity can be, rather than what it really is, which is sort of participating in a kind of absurd mental conga line through the darkness, you know.

I thought it was dead good when they smashed through the block halfway through. I wonder if they're meant to do that. Yeah. I bet the floor managers are well fucked off with them. Yeah, it's a health and safety nightmare, isn't it really? You can imagine bits flying all over the place. There's going to be bits of concrete and dust

all over the place for the next act or the act after next. You've got to get up there and sweep like the wind. You are very right about this, Taylor. People kind of get it into their heads that every element of a song

needs to be just so in order for it to be to qualify as good as if it were like every ingredient in food in a meal needs to be you know fresh it's like it doesn't this is the beauty of it it's like there are some brilliant you know eternal songs that have horrible vocal performances on them or they have you know although the production is for shit or you know the drummer doesn't know what he's fucking doing and it doesn't matter and that's the thing that's that is the beauty of it like you don't need you know it doesn't actually like i said i think there's a kind of self-seriousness about them, about Depeche Mode, that just sweeps all before it. But it's not a kind of...

Because there's not a pretentiousness about it. They're not like, yeah, see, see, make you think, doesn't it? Because it is secondary to everything else that's going on. Yeah. And also, I'm a bit fascinated by songs like this, which, instead of dealing in puppy love uh deal in puppy philosophy or you know puppy wisdom which is you know the appeal is similarly geared to 14 year olds but you know aiming at the head rather than the heart and they're laughable

they're always laughable but they sort of work you you know. And I've heard people say, yeah, but if you get into this sort of thing as a kid, that will set you up for a later progression into real challenging dark art and poetry. But first of all, I don't see any real evidence for that because you can still find 55-year-old Depeche Mode fans who still think these lyrics are deep. But also, I don't like the idea of pop music as training wheels for grown-up art. You know, I think that's really distasteful.

I'll leave that to Tanita Tikaram, you know what I mean? It's like this rubbish is a thing of its own. And just the sheer hilarity of that line, I think that God's got a sick sense of humour and when I die, I expect to find him laughing. Just delivered stone-faced in kinky leathers. All this record needs to justify its existence. But for a lot of people watching this at the time,

and even now, this would be the highlight of the episode. Yeah. Kind of helps that it's come on the back of Quo in a van and them all pretending to be interested in girls. Yeah. Well, that's partly why I chose it, to be honest, is like the whiplash from one track to another happens like at least twice in this episode,

which is such a quintessential Top of the Pops thing for me. Yes. Like that's, you know, it's not really Top of the Pops unless you're kind of going what you know how how can how can this format contain such disparate bollocks and and pearls you know so the following week blasphemous rumors slash somebody soared 13 places to number 16 its highest position the follow-up shake the, got to number 18 in June of 1985 and they'd have nine more top 40 hits in the latter half of the 80s. And when I die, I expect to find him loving I don't want somebody Beside that, sang it in the nude to get in the mood. Here's Alison Moyer. Yay!

Mates, continuing to cram women against him Cheerfully tells us that Depeche Mode have spent the past week Vomiting and pissing rusty water out of their arses And informs us that Martin Gore sang the other side of their new single With no clothes on and his cock swinging freely in the studio yeah a fact a fact which which appeared in every bit of coverage of that single that i read at the time so really press office fucking working overtime on that but he's got no discrimination has he simon bakes between like you know he's trying to do like the gossipy nuggets yes so okay i can understand why that would be a sort of cheeky amusing thing to put in like oh he sang

it in the in the nude to get in the mood and it's like okay well you don't have to say like that but okay fine but yeah that's that was depeche mode and they've been suffering from food poisoning for about the last week why no need is to know this what's the matter with you yeah it's like when people just awkwardly blurt out whatever's on their mind in that kind of cringe sitcom way, where basically all sitcoms were that about 10 years ago. Yeah. But, like, he seems kind of in control of his shit, like he means to. Unlike Depeche Mode.

Unlike Depeche Mode. But, like, why? Why have you done this? And I realise something. I think, you know, you know what I was saying about Negging before? He's not. He's just being a penis about everyone in a way that makes him sound incredibly

bitter that he's the poor man's Mike Reid and not a live young pop star that's what it is isn't it the only reason you would mention that a group of people who've just performed on Top of the Pops have had food poisoning all week is if you were trying to cock block there's no other explanation for it

and he does seem the type. Maybe he's worried they'll get in on Mandy before he's finished presenting. The two girls at the front wearing tinsley leis go woo at this news. He then introduces All Cried Out by Alison Moyet. And yeah, I'm just going to pat myself on the back for not saying All Quo'd Out. Everything is quo. And yeah, I'm just going to pat myself on the back for not saying all quote out.

Everything is quote. It's like a virus. We've already covered Alison Moyet in Chart Music 12. And this single, her second solo release since Yuzu split up in the autumn of 1983, is the follow up to Love Resurrection, which got to number 10 in July of this year. And it's the second cut from the LP Alf, which hits the shops tomorrow. Like the debut single, it was written by Moyet and produced by Stephen Jolly and Tony Swain,

who got to know each other when they were working on the set of The Muppet Show as a boom operator and cameraman, respectively, and they'd already worked with Imagination, Bananarama and Spandau Ballet. This single has been stuck fast at number eight for three weeks. But here's a good look at our Alison stalking around a park and mooching around a gasworks in a big scarf. Number eight for three weeks.

That's ridiculous. Not even Christmas yet. Yeah, I really loved this at the time and you know i think it i think it stands up now um it's kind of one of those tracks that you know the the the ones that give you some sort of inkling of adult feeling when you're a kid yeah um i mean that's what pop music does for you isn't it it's like you don't fully comprehend it but it's like a shadow passing over your young brain and kind of giving you this this whiff of like adult unhappiness yeah and and what you've got to look forward to in your life if you're

lucky um so yeah i mean it's um you know she she's got this incredible voice it's like this really sort of smoky rich voice and and yet she really like gives it some welly in the chorus here there's a real kind of angry anguished sort of you know sort of ragging raggy edges you know sort of crests and breaks in the middle eight and yeah i mean it's kind of it's i love it when somebody with a really distinctive voice like this um turns to synth pop yeah you know it's like it's such a such a wonderfully broad church you know and it's like yeah's such a such a wonderfully broad church, you know, and it's like, yeah, it deserves it. I mean, yeah. So she's there, like proper, like classic jazz blues pipes that she has.

And I mean, she dabbled in that a bit like, well, like a couple of years after this. Yeah. She was doing like that old devil call love and love letters straight from your heart, which sort of 40 kind of standards you know like sung by billy holiday and stuff but um so i mean she could have you can imagine her going the sort of uh wine housey sort of route but apparently she just didn't fancy it which is weird because it's like that that is that is what you'd expect somebody like that to do but she does she's just done all kinds of other stuff instead it's not a brilliant video is it when she's sort of on primrose hill sort of moody moodying around in a headscarf. Oh, is it Primrose Hill? Because I was trying to work out where it was. That's Primrose Hill.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I defer to your superior street knowledge. Because I thought it was Regent's Park. I looked on the map because I could see what was known as the post office tower at the time in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, you know, there's loads of parks around there.

So I got a bit lost. So thank you, Sarah. That's quite all right. Yeah, it's a bit of a hodgepodge really because it's like oh now she's remembering happier times when she's chatting to someone with some hair on a bench and then subsequently throwing some lilies on a table see she's not pissed off enough to actually smash the vase no as you know i'll put the lilies in the bin yeah she's like oh i'm a bit miffed about this breakup. I'm just going to throw the flowers instead of, you know. That's a shame because maybe they didn't have the budget for it,

you know, but it's like such an excellent 80s video bullshit thing. It's like slow motion vases smashing against walls, representing, you know, the angst. 80s video alert number one of this episode yeah singer involved in business with dead flowers and dismissive gesture and yeah as you say feistier ladies uh i.e models acting in a video for a song by blokes would hurl that vase at the wall like they were mentally unstable you know but allison is a bit more more British and self-possessed, so she just gets them out and just sort of goes,

throws them on the table. I've got to stain that wooden tabletop, though. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.

Yeah, well, there you go. She needs to get a bit of pledge on it. She's got a little bit of devil in her, you know. Then she goes for a walk with a Prince of Wales Czech scarf wrapped around her head. Ignoring that chorus of ghostly wide mouths over her shoulder. And walking past the gasworks as well.

That was a nice show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to do that. Because this is the time when gasworks was still, you know, a trope in the B-note. Yeah, but even though people nowadays wouldn't necessarily get it, this video is actually trying to communicate sophistication, right, in that mid-80s manner.

It's about a year or two before yuppies were a craze, right? So she's unashamed to do this. You wouldn't have made this video the same in 1987. Like, look at my nice house conversion in Primrose Hill, you know. Yeah. Because you might as well have had flash frames of maggie thatcher dressed as britannia you know what i mean but in 1984 the coding is different and this just says you know espresso machine and 50 quids in nicaragua you know i mean it's like uh it's almost

like a less hysterical version of what the style council would do. And it's like, you know, youth CND people in 500-quid shoes and all that. But taking tokens of old black American music and trying to set them as symbols of dignity under oppression to draw a spurious link between black Americans of the 40s and 50s and citizens of Thatcher's Britain, you know. And there's almost like a little bit of that, but it's very subtle in Britain, you know. And there's almost like a little bit of that, but it's very subtle in this, you know. It's not full-on international jet-set sophistication.

It's a sort of middle-brow kind of arthouse cinema and Marks & Spencer's urban sophistication. It's the locale of someone who's got a record deal. Yeah, yeah. Got a bit of money to spend. Yeah, it's all been styled to look like a photo print you might have seen hanging in a cafe that was under new management, you know.

It's like, yeah, this is somebody who drinks wine. Like, none of your unrefrigerated cans are long life for Alison Moyet with her black clothes and her French name. You know what I mean? If you went in there and switched her telly on, Channel 4 would come on. If she even has a telly. Yes.

They have tried to undercut that slightly. I mean, she does start off in a calf and she does have a little bit of a look of someone off EastEnders. She's an Essex girl and she kind of looks... Yeah, but it's a nice calf though, isn't it, Sarah? It is a nice cuff.

It's not the kind of place where anyone's got to put a fag out into a fried egg. No, I mean, she's got no one, no one on EastEnders had that much hot pink blush on or could probably afford it. But, you know,

yeah, she has just got the most incredible makeup. That's another thing about 1984 is I do that, that is if I had to kind of assemble sort of 10 immediate mental images, Alison Moyet's incredibly made-up face would probably be one of them. You know, it's all of the 1984 makeup all at once. There's a lot of videos in this episode,

and it does remind you that a lot of them were quite shoddy. See, this video and this record, I would say there's positive and negative about both, but none of the negative is Dantlalas and Moyet. She does what she's supposed to do really well in both of them. What it is is she's cut loose from a group now and she's a solo artist and there's other people making decisions. Yeah.

And the one thing that chafes a bit for me is the problem you quite often get with white soul records, which is kind of what this is. It's whether they choose to look to the past or the present because black music moves to its own rules and develops its own ways at its own speed. But white singers who sing like black singers are rarely part of that world,

so they're not swept along by the same currents. So they don't just get taken wherever the music is going. And at some point, somebody has to make a conscious, creative decision about how to write the song and how to arrange and produce it. And usually that comes down to a choice between trying to recreate the past and trying to arrange and produce it. And usually that comes down to a choice between trying to recreate the past and trying to reflect the present.

Because white artists who try to sound black are very rarely in control of the future. And none of this was an issue when Alison Moyer was in Yazoo because that was already a deliberate juxtaposition of styles. And you had that plinky-plonky white pop with this husky diva voice. So it had its own corner and the question never arose. But as soon as she goes solo, the decisions have to be made. What are these records going to sound like?

And they made what would have seemed at that point, and probably was, a sensible decision, which was to make them very contemporary radio friendly records um yeah and it was the right decision i think but also from this remove a little bit unfortunate because it was 1984 and the sound hasn't aged that well i like this record and i always did but the serious sound of 1984 has aged far worse than the silly one you know what i mean yeah so you compare this with like it says you can play with the amy winehouse record well the the logic there is well she's got an old-fashioned voice and she likes the old uh blues and soul records and and

jazz singing and the songs are kind of written in that style so let's make that the selling point let's arrange them like that get the band to play in a sort of retro style and record and produce the records so they sound technically up to date but authentically old so it's all of a piece and it sounds reasonably authentic and that's artistically cowardly and culturally damaging but it does ensure you end up with a record that sounds great and culturally damaging, but it does ensure you end up with a record that sounds great. Whereas this is a good record,

but it's a little bit separated from us by that 1984 sound and feel, because to some extent, the classy, expensive sound of 1984 is about separation of the listener and the artist. I mean, as you said, Sarah, we're getting a lot of videos in this episode, and virtually all of them are full length as well, aren't they?

We get to see everything. We get to see the end shot, which is really nice, of her sort of on her balcony. And I like to think she's living next door to Tears for Fears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's going, well, my life's shit, my bloke's left me, but look at fucking Roland

Orbiz all there, dancing like a twat. Whatever I was going to say for Alison Moyer, she wouldn't have done that, ever. Not ever. I don't know, it looks like she's round at, I like to think she's round at Freddie Mercury's. That looks like Freddie Mercury's house to me, or maybe George Michael's.

That's a sitcom. Yeah. I'm just kind of creaming off all the sitcom ideas from this episode. So those two girls, taking the piss outside in Bates, and Alison Moye, Freddie Mercury and George Michael all hanging out. She's one of those people, Alison Moye,

that nobody seems to have a bad word for, right? Yeah. Because she's a pretty good singer and she seems all right, which, you know, that's a lot of currency in pop music where so few people meet either of those standards. I just think she suffered a little bit from being a singer rather than a creator at a time in pop history when it was it was a bit tricky for people like her so yeah of course in a couple of years she was singing that old devil called love and being styled as a coffee shop singer because there was sort of

nowhere else for her to go like compared someone like tracy thorne who had a similar kind of voice but a slightly more interesting career albeit one that was a less commercial and more haphazard you know also the problem she had she likes to be known by her nickname alf if you remember that was the title of her album alf which she was a bit undermined by the emergence of ALF, the unlovable rubber puppet, alien life form, right, it did her no favours at all, I remember being in the news agents when I was at school in the lunch break

and picking up the ALF annual 1986 or whatever it was with his horrible face on the front and saying I love Alison Moyet, don't you back in the days when a joke was just a joke and kids were little cunts, you know. But it didn't do her much good.

And now, of course, she's back in pog form. It's a Simpsons reference, maybe too deep for a general audience. No, it's not. But no, this is the problem that, I mean, Lemoyne had it in a way, you know, all these people spinning off from groups and going solo. And it's hard.

I mean, I've got to say that Alison Moyer had it easier than people like Lamar and Nick Haywood. Because if you're a male lead singer of a band, you're the leader of a gang. Even if the gang happens to be Kajagoogoo. Going off on your own, you haven't got that backup anymore. I think she did a little bit better than them two.

Yeah, well she's still, you know, she's made like eight or nine albums I think it is now. She's been steadily working the whole time. It's always heartening when somebody has, obviously has enough about them to just, you know, to survive the music industry in the 80s, you know. It's very heartening.

So the following week, All Cried Out stayed at number eight for the fourth week before slipping down the charts, I know. The follow-up, Invisible, got lost in the Christmas rush, eventually getting to number 21 in January of 1985. But the next release, That Old Devil Called Love, got to number two for two weeks in March of 85, held off the number one spot by Easy Lover by Philip Bailey with Phil Collins. All cried out You took the whole lot of love

She is out on tour at the moment. Alison Moyet, All Cried Out. For the first time ever in the history, a man has hit the number one spot in the American pop, soul, and R&B charts. It's this man here, Billy Ocean, number nine. and B charts. It's this man here, Billy Ocean number nine. Skinner, alone on a podium, tells us that for the first time ever in the history of everything,

a man has got to number one in the US pop, soul and R&B charts. It's Billy Ocean with Caribbean Queen. Born in Trinidad and Tobago in 1950, Leslie Charles moved with his family to Romford at the age of seven and eventually divided his time between being a part-time singer and a full-time pattern cutter on Savile Row. After his debut single flopped in 1969, leading him to get in the sack when his boss heard it being played by Annie Nightingale on Radio 1, he joined a local band called Shades of Midnight and then another one called Scorched Earth. In 1975, he signed a solo deal with GTO Records

and his first single, Love Really Hurts Without You, went all the way to number two in March of 1976, held off the top spot by Save All Your Kisses For Me. After two more top 20 hits, it got to number two again with Red Light Spells Danger in April of 1977, which was denied its rightful place at number one by Knowing Me, Knowing You by ABBA. A year later, GTO were bought out by CBS and Ocean was lost in the shuffle and seemingly done as a chart artist with seven flop singles on the bounce. Then, in the summer of 1984, he put out his first single on his new label jive, European Queen.

It only got to number 82 in June of that year over here, but it went the absolute fuck off in America under the title Caribbean Queen, and it's already been the US number one for two weeks. So it's been re-released over here under that title. It finally broke into the top 40 a fortnight ago, and it's up this week from number 12 to number nine. Yeah, very strange tale, the European Caribbean queen.

Yeah. Yeah, why would you do that? I think it's the connotations. I mean, European queen sounds like some old Dutch woman cycling to the palace. Well, it could mean, I mean, think of all the many things that would, you know, what's the first country that you'd go to, you know, in your mind? Yeah. Who lives there

and also it's like why has this not been my first thought about this was why has this not been taken up by like the fbp remain twitter people you know why they're not singing that outside uh on college green you know there's a contingent yes of uh of pretty well there's there's one guy who just yells stop brexit very loudly all the time between i think yeah 9 a.m and 7 p.m yeah there was a guy with a xylophone recently on the news which was fucking hysterical anyway looking up that that version it sounds better actually i'm not sure why i i need to like dig into why that is but um it does actually sound better than the version that that has now ended up on top of the pops it's kind of weird just that they're being i'm kind of marveling at like this kind of different versions thing because it's like why was no one else doing this you know it's kind of it's like but it's like the

pop equivalent of you know those like personalized number plates with people's names on that used to get in the spinny racks everywhere yeah yeah it's like you, do you have to do like... Mr. Won't You Tell Me Where My Lover's Gone. He's a Moroccan boy. Yeah, you just do all of them. It's like, oh, that's where I live. That's me. Yes. You know, it's a good business model, I would have thought. But of course, if Billy Ocean is singing European Queen,

that's the pretty obvious implication there is of racial mixing. Whereas for as long as he's singing Caribbean Queen it's like the slow dance at the end of the school disco in Grange Hill you know like the black lad and the black girl oh guess what they've got a lot in common

I like how we follow the sort of very 1984 London sophistication of the Alison Moyet track with this one, with the opening line, she dashed by me in painted-on jeans. There's like a wolf whistle. It's a really different vision of sophistication.

It's very American, very 80s soul. Baby makes her blue jeans talk, 80s. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. It's like, you know, it's like Alison Moyer's matte finish and this is gloss, you know. Sort of tacky, but you know it's there. It's a very interesting verb to use, though.

Why would she dash by? Yeah, I can think of a couple of reasons a table full of billy ocean and his mates yeah wolf whistling sitting outside with the outside the pub with lagers and three in the afternoon but if you've ever if you've ever worn painted on jeans they're not easy to dash in you know you're sort of tottering is more the speed, really. It's going to be a lot of chafing. Yeah.

She can't have dashed very far, though, because they end up getting together. And later in the song, he says, she said I was

the tiger she wanted to tame. Imagine saying that to Billy Ocean. He's the cuddliest, smiliest tiger in town right his smile is so big it looks like his head is that to have an extension built on to fit right he's but you know maybe in private he gnaws on hunks of raw antelope and is the national symbol of bangladesh there's another bit i mean the lyrics in this once you get into them i mean it is you know it really does make blasphemous rumors sound like um i don't know keats or something um because it

it's yeah um in the is it in the blink of an eye i had had her number and her name? I mean, maybe he had to put it that way to scan, but it's like, hang on. In the blink of an eye. A notice of priority, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, why is that first? By the way, you know, by the way, I'm Sharon, you know. But there's a lot of dashing and a lot of blinks of eyes and it's all happening. It's all happening so fast.

I can't keep up. Belly Ocean don't fuck about, dog. He don't fuck about, does he? But yeah, the grit, he's so, like, it's always really endearing to me to see people having a really nice, happy time on top of the pops. I've probably gone on about this before,

but, like, whatever else is, you know, however bad the song is or however kind of forgettable, it's like that person has had a lovely time. And, you know, it could be that, you know, they were three weeks away from dying of booze and drugs or, you know, their manager was torturing them with twigs. But on the stage, they just look dead chuffed. And Billy ocean is properly serving that in a very big way well it's vindication isn't it he wouldn't have been on top of the pops for about god nine years yeah remember this song came out didn't give a toss about it but it was like oh billy ocean's back that's brilliant it's like you know all of a

sudden you know hong kong phoey gets shown again on uh on the telly it's like oh brilliant i used to love this when i was a kid yeah i realized what this is this is so so familiar to me this track but listening to it now having not heard it in years and years um i went oh god it's like bubblegum billy jean yeah yeah it's a complete rip-off and i was like oh i never fucking know it's it's so weird being that familiar with both of those tracks and just going oh my god it's like happy billy jean like bouncy castle billy jean billy jean actually is my lover you know and we're both very happy yeah and it really thinks it's got away with it as well it thinks that nobody's going to notice that's the funniest but all the little sound effects to illustrate the lines just in case you hadn't got the point like the wolf wolf whistle, I'd completely forgotten the wolf whistle

and I almost was like, oh my God, a fucking wolf whistle. And for the best bit, obviously, is the electric eyes line, electric eyes that follow me everywhere. And there's like a laser noise. And then there's mention of her perfume and how much it excites him. And there's some like lusty puffing in the background. It's like somebody is pantomiming it all out. It's incredible.

I really like this record. I think it's really impossible to dislike. Which is funny because back in the 80s, I really hated Billy Ocean. I think it was partly his big animal quacker's face which was a bit scary and partly because I hated him for singing a song called When the Going Gets Tough

the tough get going there's no brackets in it that's the whole title I was astonished to discover this myself because I did go and look it up and it's like I'm sure there are brackets in there but no i didn't i don't know if that makes it better or worse but it's like

because it's it's as if the point of pop music is to deal in bland motivational cliches you know rather than destroy them or subvert them it's like his follow-up was going to be sing like no one's listening dance like nobody's watching or you know fail to prepare prepare to fail um he does it again he one like nobody else in status quo gives a time he does it here as well there's that line about two hearts beating as one which makes me want to pu. Like just presenting cliches smugly like that, like with a little, like it was a newly minted wisdom. And I hated him because he always wore loose suit trousers with a crease down the front with slip-on tuxedo shoes.

And that's a horrible combination. It's like it should be reserved for the compare of the royal variety performance 1978 but this is really good i think because it does what mid-eight is pop soul and pop r&b records do well which is to instantly create a mood and an atmosphere and then just live in it and invite you to live in it and you'd be happy if it went on for an hour, you know. And it also pulls off the musical trick, which a lot of these records are good at,

where the hook is just based on a chord change and a slight melody shift, which is actually quite big and expansive. And if you did it in a rock record, it would be arranged to sound pompous and ringing, you know. But it's actually done in a really understated way so there's just a little shift in the groove and a slight deviation and a slightly more heartfelt singing so you know it's the chorus but the space that's been opened up by

that chord progression is still there it's just that no one's you know forcing your head into it like they would if it was you too or something you know uh and it's a record made by people who know what they're doing because you know it is gimmicky with the sound effects and the lifted thriller stuff you know and the caribbean shout out which you know is uh one eye on you know you from the caribbean buy this. But the actual gears of the track move in quite a neat and subtle way. I mean, the great thing about it is he settles the argument about the pronunciation of Caribbean, doesn't he? Yeah.

Because some people think it's Caribbean. But he's British. That's why. Americans, usually, yeah. I used to get into really intense arguments with an ex-girlfriend. She'd say Caribbean and I'd say Caribbean. And I just said, well, how does Billy Ocean say it? And she went, yeah, but what about Caribbean disco show?

And I went, oh, no, no, no, no. That's Lobo. He's Dutch. He was born in Holland. You're going to listen to a Dutchman or you're going to listen to Billy Ocean, dog? Yeah. The other great thing about this performance is Billy's kind of like been presented with the conundrum of,

I'm double-tracked on this single. Do I try and mime everything? And he pointedly doesn't. Good for him. He took his stance and then did a kind of a toned-down chicken dance during the middle eight. Yeah, that was his thing.

Just sort of shuffling and sliding around the shiny floor. Yeah. Caribbean Queen jumped up three places to number six where it stayed for two weeks, its highest position. He repeated the location-based trick one more time when he put out African Queen in South Africa where it got to number seven.

The follow-up, Loverboy, got to number 15 and his mid-80s flourish culminated in February of 1986 when When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going, got to number one for four weeks. Hoo-ha-ha, hoo-hoo. Hoo-ha-ha, hoo. I'll leave you with her, now we're sharing the same dream And our hearts, they're beating one We'll leave, we'll break, no more love on the run

The Ocean Darien Queen, which has ever just been toppled from the American charts position of number one by one. Okay, here's Chicago. It's soft, it's slushy, it's done the worst for that on top of the pops. It's a hard habit to break. Another illusion I chose to create Bates, with his hands all over the maidens again, tells us that Billy Ocean has just been usurped in the US by Wham. He then wants to introduce us to something that's soft, slushy, but none the worse for that.

His cock. No, it's Hard Habit to Break by Chicago. And that is another beautifully backhanded Bates introduction. It's shit, it's nothing spectacular, but give it a chance

here on Top of the Pops. Don't knock it, room for everyone. It's the way he says, it's none the worse for that on Top of the pops as well, which is just babble. Yeah. But it's his instinctive, constant name-checking of the programme. You remember when we did a live episode

where he kept doing time checks? Yes. It's the same thing as that. He's a real radio man. He's conditioned into doing everything that programme producers would tell him to do which is like keep naming the station you're listening to keep giving the wavelength keep telling the time he can't shake it off so he just defaults to it whenever he's in doubt which is quite often even

though it makes no sense on television because there's nothing else in his head except for, you know, quiet rage. Burning resentment. Yeah. Yeah. Formed in Chicago in 1967, the Big Thing were a covers band who moved to Los Angeles a year later, changed their name to the Chicago Transit Authority, took up a residency at the Whiskey A Go-Go and signed to CBS. In 1969, they put out a debut double LP,

which stayed in the American LP chart for over three years and got to number nine over here. They were lined up to play at Woodstock, but had to pull out at the last minute when Bill Graham made them reschedule a gig at the Fillmore West, leaving Santana to take their place. In 1970, now simply known as Chicago, when the actual Chicago Transit Authority threatened legal action,

they scored two top ten hits in the UK. I'm a Man and 25 or 6 to 4, which got to number 8 in July and number seven in august and then no other hits until the winter of 1976 when if you leave me now relieved as of the hell of mississippi by pussycat and stay there for three weeks before being usurped by under the moon of love by show waddy waddy when the follow follow-up, Baby What A Big Surprise, stalled at number 41 in late 1977, it commenced a five-year trial separation between the band and the UK charts,

but they roared back in late 1982, when Hard To Say I'm Sorry got to number four in October of that year. This single is off their most recent LP, Chicago 17, and is the follow-up to Stay the Night, which failed to chart. And this week it soared from number 39 to number 21. Oh, well, here we go.

This is video cliche number two, I believe, Taylor, isn't it? I think it is. Well, there's a few. There's model, quote few model girlfriend far too young and attractive for the singer in boudoir with light streaming in through the windows chops down house of cards

with the edge of her hand well that's nothing compared to what he did when they got home from the posh restaurant where the waiter took his order then turned to her and said, and for your lovely daughter. Although I should say, if anyone really loves these would-be sexy videos by unsexy and slightly too old American bands,

do check out the video for So You Ran by Orion the Hunter, which is the finest ever example of the genre put it on the playlist it's impossible to believe it's for real oh and yeah alert uh to a woman drinks from glass then hurls glass across room yeah of course it's a classic there's also the uh you know there's because this is a two-hander this and there and there's Peter Satira and other Chicago bloke. Yeah, that's what Status Quo used to say. Not in Rick Parfit's case, I've heard. Oh, really? You asked Debbie Ashby about that.

Oh, really? Yeah, but no. Well, maybe he's a Quo-er, not a Shoal. Oh, bravo, madam, bravo. Moving swiftly on. The sort of faces fading in and out over the sort of overlay of one face and another face in the same frame.

I like to pretend that, you know, even though they are supposedly singing this to a woman, they're actually singing it to each other. And they just couldn't overtly do that then. But it's in there. Except it's not because this is some of the straightest shit you ever could hear. It's bad, isn't it? Of the many, many songs that compare love to addiction,

I think this is probably the least drugs of them all. Like if this song were a drug, it would be paracetamol yes or no it would be the bullshit cold and flu stuff phenylephrine in it i think instead of pseudoephedrine this is how like this is how you remember what the good stuff is is it's got pseudoephedrine in it so you have to remember that it's the wrong way around because that is the pseudo stuff is the true stuff but it's not even right it's not even day nurse with pseudo-ephrogen in it it's wilco's own cold and flu yeah doesn't do shit yeah oh it's probably not even a drug i mean it's like a like a hobby you can't have enough of like i don't know fishing

i mean this shit was starting to become rife by 1984 wasn wasn't it, in the UK charts. Yeah. Thanks to Jonathan King. Yeah, I mean, it's a real kind of plodding and sort of self-pitying kind of mess. And I mean, I actually have a very high tolerance for this kind of oral aesthetic generally, the sort of John Hughes soundtrack, tinkly, twinkly, winsome candy floss of synth and everything compressed to a shadow of its former self but this is like i've

definitely hit my limit with this yeah you can imagine the record company's going oh fucking hell just get some get some models in now yeah a lot of them posing around naked but covering everything up like a shower gel advert it's tasteful isn't it well you think you're gonna see something and you never do yeah and there's that one of them's got a fag on the go as well which is always funny to see as a signifier of sophistication old videos but it's a shame the band couldn't

have made a bit more of an effort I've got to say because it's like Peter Satira looks like Jason Donovan's dad you know and he's got like a really badly matched jacket and shirt and a base around his neck just to show that he's a musician. You know, it's really bad.

Big white fake teeth like Jurgen Klopp. Also, you can tell that this is another kind of fabulous 1980s video and performance cliche, I think, is the, does that qualify as Hadley fist? I think it does. There's a bit of Hadley fist in there. It's the clenched fist that means, it's the international sign language for, I really mean this.

Yes. And it's like, I have stopped, I mean this so much that I have stopped playing my instrument, which requires both of my hands in order to clench this fist. Yeah. Accordingly. Yeah. Because it's more important right now that I show how much I mean it.

And the cords are standing out in my neck. Also in terms of image, this is around time we see the re-entry of beards into music that's in the charts. Now, it's harder to see that now than it was then. Because back then you would just point and laugh you know he's got a beard um nowadays it's a it's a trickier issue i mean it's probably a good thing that the total ban on beards was lifted purely because freedom is a nice thing right but i do sort of miss the days when shaving at least once a week was seen as a basic part of human dignity yes um

and you know it's like because the kids do default to being hippies and dickheads if you fail to reign them in with fashion um so you give them an inch and next thing you know it's considered acceptable to walk around with a a giant bale of pubic hair hanging off your face oh yeah and i mean like to any of our listeners who look like that, and there may be one or two, I don't mean you, all right? Yes. Keep giving us the fucking money. Yeah, it looks great.

But the rest of these cunts, right? I mean, my attitude normally would be do what you like, more birds for the rest of us. But I've actually got a bit of a phobia of tangled glistening whiskers i'm absolutely fine with a like a sort of a manageable beard it's when it comes out and starts to have a life of its own yeah um separate from the from the the face uh that's when i yeah it makes me feel a bit uneasy, with or without eggs stuck in it. So when one of these things is coming towards me in the street,

I have to put my hand up like blinkers, and I have to try and, you know, so as not to offend, you know, middle-class men in their 30s. I sort of put my hand up like that so I can't see it. Yeah. And I sort of, I don't like it, you know. I don't like it. Also, there's always that suspicion that people have grown this beard in lieu of a personality it you know don't like it also there's always that suspicion

that people have grown this beard in lieu of a personality you know a lot of people think it will make them look interesting rather than look

like a clone or a paedophile geography teacher right yeah but it's when it gets beyond the point of that where it's like you know

they cultivate it like it was an achievement you know like they should be complimented on growing it like it's yeah like the whole point of is it's there because of something that you haven't done it's like well done you you failed to bother to shave your face for as long as six months well you know you go um but probably what makes me really cross is that this is lads of about 25 30 ruining it for the oldens because yes a beard is meant to be something you grow in middle age to disguise a

collapsing jawline yes and now we can't do it no even if we need to yeah because of these fuckers yeah and yeah you know what just imagine the fatbergs that are going to be emanating from the drains when everyone realises that it's gone out of fashion and they've got to shave their beards, man. Oh, it's not going to be good, is it? Yeah, and I live in East London, Jesus Christ. What happened last Christmas with my toilet exploding?

It'd be nothing compared to this. Oh, tell her, it's going to be like dave lee travis exploding from your toilet where else yeah no i remember this happening and it was you know an extremely traumatic thing where it's just uh you know uh thames water just uh decided to to throw your entire house to to hell um but like is that the better or worse than this track? Good point. Well made, Sarah. Where is this track on a scale of one to Toilet Explosion?

At least I got a good story out of that, which I've singularly failed to do with this record because I've got almost nothing to say about it. No, but you did manage to, you know, have a little therapeutic kind of, you know, you managed to get it all out about beards. So I think this has been a worthwhile exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought I'd have loads to say about Chicago and this kind of AOR, you know, more generally. Well, when we get round to If You Leave Me Now,

then I'm sure there'll be much to say about Chicago. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, appropriately enough, I suppose, I look into my head and it's just perfumed empty space. It doesn't seem to be anything. I mean, I say appropriately because I think when you're a soft rock band and you're onto your, what is it, 17th album,

you've stopped making music really you've started making sounds to fit around the empty space and i mean this is quite a busy and quite a songy song with the sort of mccartney bits in it and the very musicianly breakdowns and stuff and it's presented as a emotional statement but you listen to it and what you really hear is empty space hemmed in by these kind of quite vague vocal and instrumental noises yeah like a like a square version of ambient music you know but it's potentially interesting approach to music just executed in a desperately boring way yeah because i mean i've heard this song fucking loads of times

and all I can remember, if you asked me to sing it now, all I could do is sing You're a Hard Habit to Break. That's the whole point of the song. It's like there is a house of cards. It is represented quite aptly by the house of cards. It's like that's just the one on the top that's quite impressive or that works and everything else is just there to support that. There's a brief, there's the briefest there's like a soup song of a saxophone solo yeah in there because you know i i at some point please somebody um chart

the saxophone solo and i want to know when peak saxophone solo happened i don't think it was i think we're way off it at this point but but it's weird it's very very it's a sort of fleeting saxophone solo which then is kind of overtaken by a kind of horn pile up there's a sort of disintegration i guess it's meant to sort of evoke the the chaos of his intense feelings yeah about how hard a habit this person is to break yeah but he scrunched his fist up that's all you can do mate yeah but how do you how do you scrunch up what is this the oral equivalent of a scrunched up fist i believe it is it's the musical, but how do you scrunch up? Is this the oral equivalent of a scrunched up fist? I believe it is. It's the musical.

How do you convey that? It's like, well, apparently this is how. Oh, I'm sick of talking about this fucking song. Let's move on. Me too. The following week, Hard Habit to Break jumped 10 places from number 21 to number 11. And the week after that, it began a two-week squat in the number eight slot the follow-up you're the inspiration got to number 14 for two weeks in february of 1985 but after the

band refused to let peter satira pursue a solo career in between tours like phil collins had done with genesis he fucked off in the summer of that year and although they never bothered with the charts again they still exist with three original members to this day. I'm having a break. That's Chicago with only their sixth hit in 14 years in this country. Off 17 albums, here's the charts. And Sade's number 40 with Smooth Operator.

At 39, Skin Deep from The Stranglers. Number 38, Careless Whisper, George Michael. Kim Wilde, the second time at number 37. 36, Lost in Music, Sister Sledge. A chart entry at number 35, Let It All Blow, The Daz Band. Number 34, Pride in the Name of Love, U2. And on the way up again, Agadou, Black Race at 33. Up 6 to 32, Berserker, Gary Newman.

Number 31, Bronski Beat and Why. Miley Strong, Spandau Ballet, that's number 30. And a new entry at number 29, Blasphemous Rumours, Depeche Mode. Up 8 to 28, This Is Mine, Evan 17. Ghostbusters, Ray Parker Jr. at 27. 26, Shout to the Top, The Style Council. Back to number 32 now. It's Gary Newman who starts his UK tour in Cardiff. Two weeks tonight. Here he is on Top of the Pops.

Berserker. Bates and Skinner coped down Chicago for not having that many hits in the UK before breaking down the charts from number 40 to number 26 and then wheeling back and coming forward with Berserker

by Gary Newman we've discussed the new many a time and often by this point in his career he's freed himself from his deal with Beggar's Banquet and set up his own label, Nooma Records. This is the title and first cut from his new self-released LP, which comes out tomorrow, and this performance is the debut of his new look. Blue pigmented lips, eyebrows and hair.

More importantly, it's the top of the pop's debut of Gary's new hair transplant, which he recommends to readers of Smash Hits and the latest issue, even though it hurts a lot. The single, like the LP, named after a series of Fred Saberhagen books from the 1960s, about a load of self-replicating robots who want to give planet Earth a proper biffing is the follow-up to Sister Surprise, which got to number 32 in October of 1983 and was his worst performing single to date. This was a new entry at number 38 last week, and this week it's up six places to number 32.

This is a bit of a crossroads time for Gary Newman Newman isn't it? He did a Q&A in this week's Smash Hits and was asked do you ever wonder that you're down the dumper? His response was not really. These sort of things rarely happen overnight. It tends to be a gradual slide and you can see when it's coming. For me especially now now I've got the record company, I think it would be very easy and in some ways quite nice to just slip underneath now and go behind things more. I've had a good run. What a level-headed attitude. I bet the PR company were very happy with that response.

Yeah, you can usually see these things slipping gradually, says the man at number 38 in the charts. Just like his hair. The thing is, though, this came on and I looked at it and I just thought, well, that's showbiz. Because it's only a couple of years since his ridiculousness looked like one particular channel of the future. And now it just looks ridiculous because the world has turned around him

and because he's he's drained his non-genius quota of good ideas so all you're left with now is just some idiot with blue lips and he's singing a song with no tune and looking like a leftover but what can he do you know it's not his fault all he can do is his level best. And sadly, that's now what this is. And I find this listenable just for the lessons it's learnt from late 70s, early 80s Bowie records. But the overpowering wazziness is just no fun anymore. I enjoyed it a lot more than that.

He's so watchable. He is a proper pop star he's a proper practiced pop star and he looks properly absurd and yes at this point that is kind of looking like a bit of a recent throwback because

you were trying to identify and pin down the appeal of Lamar which is quite tricky to do but I wonder if gary newman holds the key to this because like lamal does look like you know he looks absurd but he looks quite ordinary at the same time and you know that's gary newman's entire thing is that he's he's a sort of alien being and it's like maybe people at this point were sort of you know they they

wearied of the kind of um intergalactic deities and they just wanted like next door humans you know and it's like maybe that was the way that things were going i'm just pulling this completely from my ass but you know i mean because this they're really going for it and but in a in a very like in a very practiced way and there's seven of them on the stage and they're all in white uniforms, most of them with spectacular mullets. And they all look like they just landed from the planet space fiction. But it's a proper performance and he's a proper performer.

And Lamal, bless him, you know, sweet lad, but just no charisma to speak of at all. And then you see someone like this and you go, oh, yeah, no no that's the thing and yeah i mean top of the pop's always been a broad church so of course you're gonna you know have to but yeah the audience isn't really into it very much are they they're quite no they're sort of quite polite you wouldn't just wouldn't want to be seen by your mates grooving to a gary newman record at this point in time things had turned around really quickly there was what you're saying i was thinking what's turned around in uh the culture of pop music is when he was big uh people wanted you to be really freaky

artistically but just be a normal bloke behind the scenes you know what i mean yeah uh whereas now they want bands who are just like lads and kind of regular geezers. But behind the scenes, they're swanning around Sri Lanka and stuff. You know what I mean? Living it up. It's gone back to that sort of, that kind of rock star world. And he couldn't fit into that more poorly. Because he is just a geek, you know, who likes dressing up. And it's just, it's all the wrong way around for the time.

But it's, although he does just it's all the wrong way around for the time yeah but it's although he does give it his all here he's really let down by his band because he's got the whole band dressed in those white uniforms and it's meant to look futuristic and dystopian and alien and all that gear but in fact they look like they're working on a cruise ship where standards have really been allowed to slip. It's like, excuse me, there's a blue hair in my soup. Oh, yeah, sorry. It's the chef Lance Percival. Just discovered he gets seasick.

But the thing is, he's got the same problem that a lot of these people have, which is that not everyone can put as much work into seeming alien and inhuman as gary does so even if you buy into his performance as something more than a 19th hand bowie job stranded in time you're still left with the cold visual fact of session men with yokel faces wearing these costumes as a job yeah and trying not to dad dance around the stage too obtrusively you know and his female backing singer looks like she should be reading the regional news for wales and the west yes the most disturbing thing visually

as you say is he's just had a hair transplant right and you can really tell and it's one of those old style ones from before they got good yeah you know you didn't get that sort of almost natural looking you know lustrous hair you get now it was like they just plunged hanks of hair into your skull like a doll head and it would all point in different directions and it never sat right and they were also famously unreliable in terms of it falling back out again which i think happened to russ abbott um and and this cunt's dyed it blue that's just that's really asking for trouble you know what i mean i'll just i'll just put this blue hair dye in my uh my unstable fresh hair yeah but he's course, he's got a proper modern one now. He's gone and had it done again

and it looks good. Good. Well, I liked it. But yeah, no, I know that, I know what you mean,

but I like, I just kind of didn't have that angle on it, I suppose. I mean, I just thought, yeah, this is a, this is a slick operation

and they're doing the thing where they're like, okay, well, it's Top of the Pops, let's actually do the Top of the Pops thing. And that's their, their vision of's Top of the Pops. Let's actually do the Top of the Pops thing. And that's their vision of the Top of the Pops thing, which is a little bit sort of shonky around the edges in certain ways

and around the hairline. But that's all right. I'm all right with this. And I don't find it embarrassing. I don't find it embarrassing. I didn't look at that and go, oh, God, he's so washed up. I find it really embarrassing. Because I just always think of Gary Neumann as a proper pop proper pop star and there's you know it's kind of yeah it's really

in his genes you know it's really in his uh you know he just he just is that and he is genuinely a strange bloke he doesn't have to like reach for that you know that is who he is and it's not necessarily a perfect expression of that but um you know he's doing the thing that Gary Newman is going to do, which is authentic to Gary Newman. So, you know, I never find that when I can see that that's kind of someone's being genuine in what they're doing. Then, you know, I can never cringe at that, really. I mean, this is the first performance we've come across

where there's an actual band on the stage playing proper instruments. So Gary Newman's become a traditional pop star he's really dated here but in another way he's a pioneer because you know with that interview in smash hits he's essentially turned himself into a cottage industry for for a hardcore of fans which is what pretty much all pop artists are nowadays yeah and what we were saying about how he's been left in the past that's not quite true because yeah the numenoids were now a tiny cult which had ossified and they were holding on tight in defiance of the changing times i mean as much as the 80s metalers were you know and i don't know i don't think you still get those stubbornly immobile subcultures these days do you know i mean like self-sustaining and set apart from from fashion or or changing culture i mean

you know like this indie guitar music which has been paralyzed for about 25 years but they still sort of think of themselves as current you know um They don't see themselves as living in a bubble. I mean, is there a group of kids preserving a tiny subculture against the harsh winds of time? I don't think so. It's like if you had like 15,000 ravers with glow sticks and global hyper-colour teachers and they're still only listening to like, you know,

Charlie by The Prodigy or something. You'd see them around acting like a tribe. You know, I don't think that's... He's cultivated a fan base that have grown old with him. That's what he's doing, and that's pretty much the perfect business model nowadays, isn't it? It's true, yeah. I hate to raise the spectre of Quo again at this point,

but there's another... Just speaking of, you know, looking after your fans, there's another just speaking of looking after your fans there's another different poster for this album which has a tagline the only critic we care about is you I can tell that from the way that you've just

raised the subject of critics on your poster for no reason yeah but if you're a critic and you're walking by then it's like oh thanks guys yeah you've always been my favorite yeah did you see that and feel genuinely touched yeah oh it warmed it warmed me cockles so the following week berserker dropped five places to number 37 and by the beginning of december the lp would only get to number 45 and spent a mere three weeks on the album chart the follow-up my dying machine fared even worse

getting to number 66 on the last chart of 1984 and bar getting to number 17 in march of 1985 with change your mind with bill Sharp of Shack Attack, he would spend the rest of the decade as a lower top 40 regular at best. As Gary Newman, I was talking to the band earlier on and they were saying they've only got one white suit each for a 20-day tour. They're going to need a very good kind of soap powder. This week's 25, The War Song by Culture Club. Virgil Sharkey, Listen to Your Father is at 24.

At 23, I'm Going to Tear Your Playhouse Down by Paul Young 22, Gotta Get You Home Tonight by Eugene Wild Chicago are at 21 with Hard Habit to Break At 20, Ace is High by Iron Maiden Meatloaf, Modern Girl at number 19 At 18, It's Penny Lover by Lionel Richie. 17, Drive the Cars. I'm So Excited, The Pointer Sisters at 16.

Number 15, Missing You by John Waite. Stevie Wonder's I Just Called to Say I Love You at 14. Number 13, I Should Have Known Better by Jim Diamond. Ultravox at number 12 with Love's Great Adventure And at 11, Gimme All Your Lovin' by ZZ Top Here is Eugene Wilde now with a song he wrote in a lonely London hotel room last May Gotta Get You Home Tonight Ooh, baby

Gotta get you home with me tonight Gotta hold your body tight Make you scream and shout all night Bates, standing alone in front of the word charts on the big screen, tells us he's had a chat with Gary Newman's band about their laundry issues before running down the chart from number 25 to number 11. Simon, you nosy bastard. But it's a lesson in how not to time a gag as well.

They're going to need a very good kind of soap powder. Yeah, that's the way he tells them. Yeah, have a word with Depeche Mode. I think he stretched it out as well, though. Good kind of soap powder. He's just obsessed with the state of other people's laundry, man. That's not a good look, Simon. No, it isn't.

We cut to Skinner on a podium. Skinner's been on his own all the time, just standing on this podium away from Bates. They've been split up like a pair of naughty school boys, so they can't make each other worse. And he tells us that the next single was written in a London hotel room. Fucking hell, he's at it now.

Regurgitating the press release is what he's doing. The song is Gotta Get You Home Tonight by Eugene Wild. Born in North Miami Beach in 1961, Ronald Broomfield spent the late 70s as a member of the family group La Voyage, which played in local clubs and later changed their name to Tight Connection and then Simplicious before he joined the band Today, Tomorrow, Forever. In the early 80s, he became a solo artist, changing his name to Eugene Wild.

In 1984, he signed a deal with Philly World Records, and this is his debut single. It's already been a Billboard R&B slash hip-hop number one, and this week it's nipped up two places from number 24 to number 22. And here he is in the studio with his nice suit for 1984 and Princey Buffont. Oh, before we get stuck into this song, the chart pictures, as always in this era, Taylor, are depressingly competent. I mean, there's only two I noticed, which was Lionel Richie looking like he's getting ready to go out line dancing

and Meatloaf looking as if his genitals are being licked by a bear. Half enjoying it, half absolutely terrified. I almost didn't recognise Meatloaf. He was, you know, this is a very young and fresh-faced Meatloaf, which I didn't think existed. Years ago, when I used to live in Cricklewood, there was a shop called Food Giant, which was like a big sort of cash-and-curry type supermarket.

We had one of them. And it's like, I always thought that's what Meatloaf should have called himself. Yes. But, oh, Mr Wilde. Here's a man looking to leave a stain on someone's pillow in the morning you've got to say this room he lives completely in the moment he's all about tonight in a very real sense his it's his favorite word um so there's this single gotta get you home tonight 1985 uh he got um that that was US number one. Got another US number one with Don't Say No Tonight. Yes.

Album in 1989, I Choose You, brackets, tonight, close brackets. And then 1992, he released How About Tonight? No question mark. Fucking hell. Had another hit with I feel like chicken tonight. Has he got some terminal illness or something? Yeah, I mean, you know, it's like... He doesn't fuck about, does he?

And then 2011, he put out Get Comfortable, which is just flat out fucking gynaecology, isn't it, really? But this song is an extremely basic version of that thing where a guy tells you about the excellent time that he's going to show you because he's got a nice apartment and some good booze and some candles and a round bed with satin sheets that are a nice feminine shade of peach. And he's going to turn the lights down low and he's going to put on some smooth tunes

exactly just like this very one that he's singing right now. Yes. And he's going to take his time and he's going to make you feel real good. And he's going to be a real gentleman. Make you scream and shout all night. And he's going to do nice stuff to you with his hands and or tongue tonight. That's what this is. So that's the vibe.

Yeah. I think that's what you'd be better off with. But this is like I immediately I the vibe. Yeah. I think that's what you'd be better off with. But this is, it's like, I immediately, I don't remember this track at all. And it's like, this is only a few months after Marvin Gaye died. Yes. And it is sexual shaking, isn't it? Yes, it really is.

It's insanely disrespectful. He's hardly been in his grave 10 minutes. And it's like this homeopathic sexual healing, basically. I'd say I like and dislike this record. Yeah, that's how I feel. Yeah, I like it because this is the moment just before these kind of erection section, steamy soul records went from being beautifully single-minded

to being weirdly prudish and anti-sex in a sort of diseased way you know or maybe out of fear of disease but those cold times like 1985 was really the beginning of all of that and in 84 you've still got a lot of records in the charts with quite raunchy lyrics yes Yes. Or at least songs that accept sex as a central fact of life. Well, I had Alison Moyet going on about wanting a warm injection. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Love Resurrection by Alison Moyet. I'm so excited by The Pointer Sisters, which is a really dirty song.

Relax, of course. Jeff Sex. Shove It Up by Jeff sex. Right, exactly. People were still horny and not pretending. So Eugene really has to get you home tonight. Yeah. We're 12 months down the line.

Tonight. It had been stating very clearly that he wasn't going to try and get you home tonight. As if he expected a round of applause. I've got to get you back to your dad's by 10 o'clock tonight. Yeah, or just, you know, like to show how nice, like he expects the Daily Mirror to present him with an award, you know. Whereas here, he's still going on about, yeah, he's going to make you scream and shout all night,

which is a bit ambiguous, but, you know. Yeah, that could mean anything but what i don't like about it is for a record that is purely about trying to get someone into bed it's not very exciting or challenging or impressive or intriguing or anything that you know it's soothing and that's what always strikes me as a bit sinister about these records because you don't really want to be soothing people into bed. No. There's something a little bit, it's a little bit, I don't know, something dodgy about that.

And I don't like his, it's a bit, like he says, oh, a bottle of Dom Perignon to get us in the mood. Oh, God, don't start me off. He's so fucking transparent. It's like he's talking to an idiot. Yeah. Which he may well be but at least start off by

crediting this woman with a wit to see through something like that. You know what I mean? I hated that line. Yeah. I hated that line. It was like, you know, this is a time

when the nation's still coming to terms with wine boxes and le piador. Yeah. It's a sound of trope in black music of the 80s and 90s, isn't it? You know, get enough expensive food and drink, Dana, and we're hey, missus.

And then you owe something, you know. A bottle of Irondale. It puts me on fucking edge. I don't feel soothed at all. I feel quite tense. I feel like you know yeah also also he says i've got the tools yes i know you're sure to like yes and the first time i watched this he sang that and at that moment the upstairs neighbors started drilling

gave it a sort of a sinister edge that i don't think it was intended to have um but it's weird that this particular strain of sex music or making love music as it would prefer to say gary davis sex music is yes really um but it it sounds nice and it sounds pleasant to listen to yeah but yeah but that's that's never been what sex sounds like to me right yeah but these tones and moods um in this style of music are absolutely synonymous with sex right um i would never associate tones and moods like this with a sexual experience which maybe says something about me i don't know but i've just never associated passion or desire with this sort of drifting opiated you know almost drugged passive atmosphere focus i don't think so there's a some there's a very sort of restricted and like uninstinctive

sort of hotel soft porn feel about it, which is very sort of hemmed in and doesn't seem to have much to do with the real life experience of wanting or having sex. I mean, I suppose people are different, but I was like, you know, give me a Bette Davis record any day. If just because the ramped up nastiness of records like that, a lot of people would see as performative but yeah to me in a way it sounds completely natural and cathartic whereas

eugene is always posing and always aspiring even when he's naked right and it i've just always suspected that the softer and more respectable somebody's sexuality is, the more rot and contamination lies under the surface. Do you know what I mean? Whereas the dirtier and more perverted people get, the cleaner those people's souls are because they've got all the poison out. Fucking hell. I don't know about that.

I mean, the Don Perignon really offended me at the time because A, it implied that women could be bought with expensive alcohol and B, I couldn't afford Dom Perignon on whatever money I had at the time. I think I was working at the co-op chucking blocks of lard into a big skip and they didn't have any

dom perignon to nix i thought oh well that's me not fucked then you know but then i actually lost my virginity by saying i've got some uh i've got some cans of uh cheap lager upstairs should we go up there so yeah eugene you you it's what you do, mate. It's always more gratifying because that would suggest that person actually did want to go to bed with you because they're not going to be saying, no way am I going to bed with this bloke. Oh, I've got some cans of lager upstairs. Oh, go on then.

And of course, the great line that comes after that is a bottle of Dom Perignon to get us in the mood and an atmosphere that's sure to please you. Which sounds like one of those cinema adverts for curry houses. Yeah, it is. It's kind of sleazy and yet somehow weirdly sexless, I suppose. Because it's like instead of kind of trying to recreate porn, if you go to bed with Eugene Weld, he's going to try to recreate a 1980s pop video. There's going to be lovely soft lighting and there's going to be sort of diaphanous curtains

kind of gently flapping. And you, the woman, are going to look awesome and you're going to be sort of, you're going to shyly dip your head, but actually you're totally up for it. And he's going to lay you down on his pink satin sheets and, you know, kind of run an ice cube down your body. And then that'll be it because, you know, it's like, yeah, this has been great. Cool. That's going to look that's going to look amazing.

It's like, what? Really? Are you done? What just happened? So, yeah, we'll send you the check. Oh, yeah. Are you done? What just happened? It's like, yeah, we'll send you the check. Oh, okay. So it's a kind of performative thing where it's like, you wouldn't want to have sex with him really, would you?

Because if this is his idea of sex, you wouldn't get much out of it. Yeah. And your job would be as the woman to just look pretty, I suppose. And his job is to be a gentleman and treat you really good, but not to any particular end, and nobody's going to sweat very much, I suppose. Yeah. Because he's so conventional in all of his ideas of what constitutes sex and seduction,

it's not very convincing because he didn't, you know, none of this is really coming from him. It's coming from what he's seen on Channel 5, know what i mean or the red shoe diaries yeah david 1984 no that's true it's kind of like david hunter's bedroom technique isn't it i can imagine him doing this kind of shit yeah but the thing is he doesn't even know what he's doing because he says kick off your shoes at one point like he's doing because he says, kick off your shoes at one point. Like, he's got her back to his flat. Kick off your shoes.

I'm surprised he actually let her into the apartment with shoes on. I thought she'd have to take them off outside because of the carpet. Well, the thing is, if she's wearing trainers or Doc Martens, then sure, kick them off. Great. But, you know, I fancy that Eugene's lady is wearing the kind of shoes you're meant to leave on. So he has absolutely no idea what he's doing.

No. No, no, no. It's okay. Stilettos, right? Which I'm assuming is what you're talking about. No, you kick those off, but you keep your feet flexed and like pointed. Oh, so it dangles off. You know, you can't just let your feet be feet.

You know, because that's no good. You've got to like have pointy be feet. That's no good. You've got to have pointy feminine feet. Kick off your shoes so I can drink some of this Dom Pemmery on out of it because I saw James Bond or some fucker do that once. Yeah, there it is. Can I just point out something about, back to the performance here, which I don't think is a

world beater either. He's got a hanky. He's waving a hanky about which shows you, which communicates to the audience that he's an old school soul legend in the making a belter yeah and also voluminous trousers which i was quite astonished by yes massive trousers i know i always have to comment on the trousers but apparently that was just my thing but you're like leggy mountbatten sarah all this said though i don't mind this record no but it's one of those records that would sound better on the radio in the back of a cab yeah late at night but when you're going home to sleep

not when you're going home to a fuck yes but why would you why do you need this record in a in a universe where sexual healing exists no exactly yeah that's true you know but if you start down that road you have to write off about 40% of pop history. I know, I know. And, you know, it is a terrible thing to say, but I have said it and there's no going back. So the following week, Gotta Get You Home Tonight rose four places

to number 18, its highest position. The follow-up, Rainbow, failed to chart over here. Oh, imagine if he'd done a smooth R&B cover of the Rainbow theme tune, man. Yeah, and as far as the charts were concerned, it was a big goodbye to Eugene Wilde. But he'd have one more top 40 hit when he reunited with Simplicious and got personality at a number 34 for two weeks in February of 1985. Yeah. Don't know that one. Yeah, yeah, I remember that record. Personality to number 34 for two weeks in February of 1985.

Yeah. Don't know that one. Yeah, yeah, I remember that record. It's the first time I've thought of it since 1985. He spent the rest of 1985 appearing in the worst hip-hop film ever made, Rappin', and scored another USR&B number one with Don't Say No Tonight, but that only got to number 80 over here, and he was done with the UK charts. He spent the 90s as a songwriter,

co-writing LP tracks for the likes of Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, and Victoria Beckham. Baby, ooh, ooh, ooh Gonna catch you on me, me tonight Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh That's Eugene Wilder. He's got six more brothers at home just like him. Let's have a look at the countdown of the top ten of the chart that does count. Oh, yeah. This week's number ten is Neverending Story by Lamar. Up three to number nine, Caribbean Queen, Billy Ocean.

At number eight, All Cried Out, Alison Moyer. Number seven, The Wanderer, Status Quo. Julian Lennon's at number six with Too Late for Goodbyes. And at number five, Together in Electric Dreams, George Yomoroda and Phil Oakey. Number four, No More Lonely Nights by Paul McCartney. Up two to three, The Wild Boys, Duran Duran. Wham! are at number two with Freedom.

And we have got a brand new number one this week. And the brand new number one is Chaka Khan, and it's I Feel For You. Here's the lead. Bates and Skinner, now wearing those crappy tinsel leis as if they were trophies from those girls earlier. Break down the top 10 and introduce this week's number one, I Feel For You by Chaka Khan. this week's number one, I Feel For You by Chaka Khan. Born in Chicago in 1953, Yvette Stevens formed a group with her sister called the Crystallettes at the age of 11 before becoming a member of the Black Panthers at the age of 14. After dropping out of the Panthers and high school in 1969, she joined the band Life with a Y, turning down the opportunity to replace the

deceased Baby Huey as lead singer of The Babysitters. In 1972, after stints with various local groups, she was poached by the band Rufus, who were then spotted by Ike Turner, who invited them to record at his studio in Inglewood so he could try to nick Shaka for the iCats, which she knocked back. Rufus signed with ABC Records in 1973, and their career took off when Stevie Wonder wrote Tell Me Something Good for Khan, which got to number three in the US charts. However, the UK waited until the end of the 70s and the beginning of her solo career

before admitting her into its hearts and charts when I'm Every Woman got to number 11 in January of 1979. She spent the early 80s alternating between Rufus and her solo career, a situation which culminated earlier this year when Ain't Nobody got to number 8 in April. This is the follow-up, of sorts, to One Million Kisses with Rufus, which got to number 86 in June. It's the lead-off and title track from a new solo LP, which came out last month, and is a cover of a track from Prince's eponymous second LP in 1979,

which was originally written for Patrice Russian who knocked it back it's already been covered by the Pointer Sisters on their 1982 LP So Excited but this version has been supplemented by Stevie Wonder on harmonica Steve Ferroni of the Average White Band on drums and Grandmaster Melly Mel doing a bit of some rap it was the highest new entry at number two three weeks ago, soared 17 places a fortnight later, nipped up to number two last week and made it to the summit of Mount Pop this week, ending the three-week reign of freedom by wham.

And here's the video featuring Shabba Doo, Boogaloo Shrimp and the other two people in the film Breaking who didn't have stupid names and they've therefore been rightly forgotten. Oh, fucking hell, a good number one. Isn't it? Holy shit. This is almost as if someone's gone,

what's fucking mint and skill about black music in 1984? Let's mash it all together. Yeah, I mean, to me, it is like a compressed pill of all of the best things about 1984 yes you know it's so oh it's so good i mean the thrill of hearing this kick in like every single time yes never fades it's such a perfect record and i will i will dance to it under any circumstances the whole way through it's like every element is in perfect balance and they kind of threw you know it's quite a risky thing and they completely pulled it off they just threw so much in but it's it's amazing it's such a gorgeous exciting spiky luxurious piece of

electro funk yes i could listen to this till the end of time i'd have it played at my funeral in fact i want it played at my funeral play this fact, I want it played at my funeral. Play this at my funeral. Like, you know, everyone could have a little cry first and then put this on. And we could go, Sarah B., let me burn you, let me burn you, Sarah B. It's all I want to do. But, I mean, I wouldn't...

Would you trust anyone who didn't sort of have a little squirm around in their seat when this came on? Or, like, tip their head back and make involuntary funk face? Yes. Or, like, have a massive grin? You just you just wouldn't i mean anyone who's not moved by this record is uh is not my friend no how many years has it been now right 35 years god yeah and still you hear that shakar shakar it's like uh Meli Mel starting up on a cold morning.

Yes. It just cuts right through all the decades, and everyone who remembers it responds to it, right? Yeah. And it's always there. Every time Chukka Amuna is in the news or Granit Shaka gets sent off, immediately it's there in your head.

It's so fixed as a signifier of the 80s or the happy 80s yes the good 80s yeah i'm surprised the fucking building society hasn't started using it in an advert you know i mean although terrifyingly they've uh a lot of those have moved on to 90s nostalgia now in their adverts as that next generation start to accumulate enough dishonorably sourced money to put roofs over their heads but which means that this will turn up soon

in one of those daytime adverts for funeral plans which is the next step and Sarah will get a wish because... No I take it all back no I take it back I tell you what have you seen that one with alan titchmarsh by yes that's on at the moment he's in a potting shed and he turns around to the camera and says you know one day i'll be pushing up daisies rather than planting them jesus christ

that's so dark you know it's a funny thing day, instead of turning up worms with my little trowel, they'll be burrowing through my sightless, decomposing eyeballs. There's a sort of forced giggle in his voice as he says it as well. It's so broken and hollow. And that's what it means to be an icon of an obsolete generation. So, yeah, maybe one day, once the olden's favourite, Titch Marsh, is true to his word, will be the next in line. And it's like they're now using Kim Wilde and Jason Donovan to sell us chocolate while we've still got teeth. And fucking Bagpuss to sell us De-Icer. You could do a really good compilation of inappropriate inappropriate songs in adverts that's like taken

out of context because um personal jesus by depeche mode is now in a car advert and the power of advertising is such that i can't remember what car it is but it's like it's just because it sounds you know it's bouncy and sort of chunky and stuff so they've just put that in there because they want that's how they think their car sounds but it's like if you actually listen to this do you know what i mean there is i think everything eventually you are right everything is going to be shorn of its context everything's going to have its like perfect day moment and it's like i don't just so many you could probably make a compilation of songs about heroin or butt sex that have been used to you know sell insurance couldn't you?

Yeah. Oh, Walk on the Wild Side. Fucking hell, that's it. That's also in a car advert, like the original Walk on the Wild Side. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. What are you doing? Fucking ridiculous. What do you think you're doing?

But, yeah, I tell you, I have often wondered who's going to be that representative for our generation when it comes to funeral plans, because Cilla did it, didn't she? Did she? Oh, God. It's been bothering me. Who is it going to be who's going to turn around and say, you know... Living in a box. That would be quite appropriate.

Yeah, that'd be perfect, wouldn't it? I think it's going to be someone like Boy George who's going to turn around and talk about funeral plans to our generation. But then, hopefully, I want to stick around and see what knobhead from the 90s they drag out. And someone out of Shed 7 or whatever. You thought I was dead. Well, I'm not, but I will be soon.

But talking of adverts, I mean, this is the time when breakdancing and electro just took over. But I've got an inkling that this is the exact moment when the Weetabix started wearing tracksuits and spinning on their rusks. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah, and the right guard advert

with a businessman staying cute in his suit. Yeah, yeah. That's when people started putting down the ripped up cardboard boxes in the local shopping precinct. Yes, doing a swan dive. Yeah, really not well either. Yeah. Obviously this is one of those songs that you can't

hear without seeing the video. Because the video was a pretty big deal at the time. Yeah, well there's 80s Video Alert number 3, which is diagonal mesh metal fence. Signifier of New York and and just urban generally uh augmented here by hip-hop graffiti uh just in case anyone missed the repositioning of shaka khan from old school

funk to urban contemporary as it used to be but those fences are a great instant symbol you see one of those and you know that you're either going to get kids banging a basketball against it or a contemporary dance routine happening behind it. Or Tracey Irwin trying to get away from Bomber Dog. Yeah, also, as an adjunct to that, immaculate manicured hand, lady hand clutching in between the chain links. manicured hand lady hand clutching in between the chain links and you know kind of yeah which which she uh which she really sells here yes um with the kind of purple everything in the very

in the princely fashion yes um big purple coat massive beret um and and kitten heels and she does this kind of so she's sort of clutching onto the the the fence then does the coquettish look over the shoulder and she does this whole video shaka khan just looks extremely pleased with herself and rightly so yes yeah she just looks she's sort of you know it's a really it's it's a really happy video actually there's because all the dancers are kind of doing their thing like grinning at the camera and it's not too slick there's not a load of cuts in it it almost looks like a rehearsal

or just they're like hanging out in the street and messing about it's really nice and natural and of course for those in the know they'd be going berserk at the sight of Shabadoo and Boogaloo Shrimp particularly the latter after he did that dance with the broomstick

did you ever see those films at the time? You weren't Sarah Taylor, were you? No, I didn't. Did you ever go to those? It wasn't my thing. Must admit that I didn't go to it either, but it was talked about endlessly in the playground. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

It was bad guy. Isn't it funny, though, how you change and adapt as you get older? Because I remember when this came out, seeing this video, and Shaka Khan looked to me like somebody's mum, you know, perhaps Sadiq. She's like 30. Yeah, right, exactly.

I'm watching this now, and my 40-something self immediately thought, hello, I like your hat. But yeah, of course, she's 30's 30 31 here even younger than francis rossi so i'd probably look like somebody's dad to her if our timelines ever crossed oh cruel wheel of chronos so anyway i guess you know that the intro the repetition of her name the myth is it's one of the great pop eras that got left in. You know, which I love a great pop era, though, don't you?

Yes. Oh, yeah. So the producer said Arif Mardin says his hand slipped on the repeat machine and went, oh, that sounds really cool. And it's, you know, and also apparently because he said, this is a slightly bum note about this, is that they were like, we were a bit worried about putting the rap in there. We were worried it would sound too aggressive. that kind of took took the edge off it that

stuttering took the edge off it which uh you know so it was like yeah we can leave it in hopefully nobody will flee in terror at the sound of a black man speaking and also uh stevie wonder um yes recorded the harmonica apparently on the day the day of Marvin Gaye's funeral. Good God. Funerals again, you see, it's all about the... Jesus Christ. Before or after? I know, before or after, I'm intrigued, I have no idea. But I'm sure Marvin would have approved.

But yeah, that's a hell of a thing. Did he go and produce... That's such a joyous, one of the most joyous noises in pop. It's just like a... It is, isn't it? A cloud of butterflies over this track. Yeah. And, you know, and it and it was yeah on the day of

on a very sad day imagine walking away from Marvin Gaye's funeral and I don't know Smokey Robinson comes up to him and goes oh come on Stevie let's let's have a cob and a drink of summer that'll cheer us up and he says no mate I've got to go got to go off and add this few seconds of genius to this fucking mint and skill song yeah i mean there's no way this record could have been completely shit is there when you look at the team they assemble no i mean the worst that could have happened would be everyone getting in everyone else's way and the whole thing becoming a bit of a mess but what's remarkable is the extent to which that doesn't happen and all the talents dance around each other quite neatly.

That's really remarkable, I think. And that's the secret of how this became such a big hit. It's, you know, if you're not into what you're hearing, if you wait 10 seconds, something else will happen, which you'll probably like. But it's coherent and it doesn't sound like it's been designed by committee. And when you cram that many different perspectives into one single It's coherent and it doesn't sound like it's been designed by committee. And when you cram that many different perspectives into one single and they all fit together and it doesn't sound like a mess,

just that alone is always going to be enough to give it a sort of immediate appeal, you know, just on the level of, in a literal and non-pejorative sense, novelty. Like it sounds novel, you know, but it's also really good. And it's cleverly constructed in terms of appealing to the radio and so on. So it's a really obvious and natural number one. And although records which have been put together like this are not usually the very best records, if they're done properly, they will deliver a solid seven or eight out of 10.

So it's, you know, it's not Ain't Nobody, which somehow manages to sound like something that just happened and has a natural sort of glow and joy to it that you would never get. That's a fucking genius song, that is. Yeah, you can't get that feeling in a record as densely packed and pre-prepared as this one but this is still everything it's trying to be and it really is

great i mean yeah it's it's also it does that magic thing that a great record does where it's completely and distinctly and obviously of its time and yet somehow doesn't age. Like it can't. It can't date, you know. It just doesn't. And yeah, it is like a perfect sort of musical ecosystem and every element is just in absolute perfect balance. And the breakdancing was nice. I like a bit of breakdancing.

Also, she gets up on the decks at one point in this video and does a little bit of scratching and her face is such a picture. She's like, oh yeah it's like watching your man playing on the mega drive or something at the time any bit of break dancing was was massively welcome you know even if it was on that's life but looking back at it now you can see that you know there's a very thin line between group body popping and the brian rogers connection yeah there is something of a boy's town air about some of these lads isn't there like that fellow the czech shirt he looks like he's got a cgi face he's really really mugging and he is perhaps a little too arch even for a party record like this one, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Partly because it looks a bit cold and empty in that studio and so anyone who's trying to make their own fun sort of stands out a bit. Yeah. But did it always look like that or is it just from here that you think like, yeah, it's quite camp, though, isn't it? There was always that element to, well, body popping anyway. I mean, this is an amazing instructional video from around this time.

There's a clip circulating on YouTube, which will be available on the video playlist, obviously, of some lad saying, you know, as well as the body rock, you've got to use your face as well. And he just goes into all these fucking menclist expressions. And it's quite remarkable. Oh, wow. If you want to stand out in the shopping precinct on a Saturday afternoon, man,

this is the lengths you're going to have to go to. So, yeah, this is, you know, if someone turned around to me and said, oh, what was 1984 like? If I was massively dishonest and wanted them to feel that they'd missed out on one of the greatest years in history, I'd go, Oh,

look at this video, mate. That's what it was like. That's what we were like. Yes. This and Frankie just wall to wall. Yes. And that's it.

Yeah. Yeah. The other thing that's been bothering me, and I know it's a horrible question to drop on you, but is this the first number one single to have a sample on it? it's got fingertips hasn't it stevie wonder you know the say yeah i can't think of an earlier one no which which means nothing because you know i'm not not a wikipedia brain but it's yeah i can't think of one. Not that I got to number one. Anything else to say about this?

I saw Prince do this at the O2. Oh, yeah. Which, yeah, which was a high point among high points. He changed the lyrics from I'm physically attracted to you to I'm spiritually attracted to you. Oh, Prince. Oh, come on. Doesn't even scan that but

it was prince so you know you got with it i mean we've obviously heard the original haven't we off the of prince's second album and it's a nice enough song but it ain't this no it's not the definitive version no as i'm sure he would i'm sure he agreed So I feel for you spent three weeks at number one before being usurped by... I should have known better by Jim Diamond. But, you know, this is the point when the 80s start to curdle, isn't it? Short men ruling the charts. Sexy short men.

Who in the Melody Maker letters page Would have been very pleased by that Yeah the short kings it is their time The follow up this is my night Got to number 14 in February Of 1985 and she'd have a number 16 hit with eye to eye in May of that year before Diminition Returns set in

Although she'd have two top 10 hits in 1989 when I'm Every Woman and Ain't Nobody was re-released. Just one more thing. Yes. I just discovered, right, that Addicted to Love was meant to be a duet with Robert Palmer and Chaka Khan.

No. What? Fucking hell. Can you imagine? Instant 200% improvement. Yeah. Because if you'd have said to me oh which female singer was supposed to duet with uh robert palmer on addicted to love you go uh uh tina turner yeah yeah either would have done to you i just put chaka khan on that yeah wow and imagine the what would the video

have been like this is there's an alternate universe where that happened and everything's better. White models with their hair scraped back doing breakdancing really badly. Or both. You have that Robo Babe band performing behind Robert Palmer and behind Shaka Khan you have a band of blokes in

tuxedos looking equally weird. Then nobody would have been able to call it sexist. Put something for the ladies in there. Like a page seven fella. The page seven fella of 18 year old me. If you look at that now, it is like, it's like a comment on sexism really.

It's, you know, it's not really. Yeah, I don't know. I think we should get to that at some point. Oh, yes. I have a don't know. I think we should get to that at some point. Oh, yes. I have a lot to say. I'm sure. I don't think Robert Palmer gave a fuck either way to be honest. No.

You know, he was a much weirder bloke than you'd think from listening to his adult-oriented albums. Well, I guess we cannot prove this, but didn't he die shagging in Paris, which is a pretty good way to go out? Did he? Yeah. I think so.

Cool. Next week, we have a bit of sanity here. Mike Reed and Bruno Brooks, and we leave you with CZ Thot Give it your love and see how it's over the top Bates and Skinner, besieged by the kids, warn us that Mike Reid and Bruno Brooks are up next week and sign off with Gimme All Your Lovin' by ZZ Top. It's the way they say next week we have a bit of sanity here,

Mike Reid and Bruno Brooks. Yes. You genuinely can't tell whether he's trying to suggest that him and Bates are so crazy and this week's show has been such a parade of psychological disturbances that it will be nice to have the sensible boys in next time. Or whether it's meant to imply that with Mike and Bruno in the area,

things are likely to get even wilder. Anything can happen. Yeah, because either of those is an equally strange and unrealistic suggestion. There's nothing to grab hold of, so it doesn't really work. But Bates just sort of chortles blankly in response and then says, see you on top of the pops. Because he still can't stop doing that. He's still name-checking the programme all the time,

even when it's over, just in case you've just switched on and thought, oh, I like the look of this programme with its chart rundown and performances by hit groups, but I don't know what it's called and I'll probably never be able to find it again. So he's there to help you out. Yeah.

I could just see Simon Bates frantically looking at Teletext, you know, typing in 150 on his remote to see if there's any news flashes or anything he can get in. Oh, and before we go, you know, the pound has dropped three cents. Before we go, if you're heading north on the M15, watch out for a bit of heavy congestion near the 19th turnoff. I think they were just getting in one more dig at anyone who's not there before the end of it. It's like, yeah, these guys, they look pretty slick,

but they've just been on the toilet for a week. And this girl is all right, I suppose. And this isn't bad, but really I could do better. I think he's just doing that. He's just kind of going, yeah, there's some other guys who aren't us and are not as good next time. Yeah. Just to be a cunt. Yeah.

Bants FM. They're just a bit of fun. That's all they are. No, none the worse for that. Except they are. Except they are. Formed in Houston in 1969, ZZ Top spent the 70s as an America-only concern who were best known as a one-time support act on the Rolling Stones' 1972 tour.

In 1979, however, they signed to Warner Brothers and made their first inroads into Europe a year later. In 1983, they released their eighth LP, Eliminator, and this was the lead-off single from it, but it only got to number 61 in September of that year. However, in the USA, the single and its video, with lots of model sorts getting in and out of the car that lead singer Billy Gibbons had constructed himself blew up on MTV and got them into the US charts prompting a re-release over here. This is the follow-up to Sharp Dressed Man which got to number 53 in December of 1983 and was then put out again in July of this year getting to number 11.

Instead of the video though we're being treated to a super long segment of the last remnants of the zoo wankers being thoroughly upstaged by the kids. Did you know that Hitler was a vegetarian? Did you know that NASA went to the moon with less computer power than is now in a mobile phone? Did you know that actually frankenstein is the name of the scientist and not the monster yes you did of course you did because

these facts are examples of what me and my friends used to call frank beards uh named obviously after the 80s and to some extent 90s phenomenon of people especially djs announcing with a slight air of smugness like i'm about to tell you something that will blow your tiny mind that the drummer out of zz top the only one without an enormous beard is actually called frank beard and this fact was repeated so often in the 80s always with that assumption that to you this would be a a freshly de-shelled pearl like a nugget of new information to set you spinning so i started using the term to refer to any tired old fact that everyone already knows dragged up and presented as a as a knock-em-down show stopper uh and it still works at least for people of a certain age you know did you know sherlock

holmes never actually said elementary my dear watson yeah i did yeah yeah now the other one of those by the way was the big bird which you can use as a noun or a verb it could be a big bird or you can big bird a song it's when a song is slightly sport for you by a line which unwittingly sets up entirely the wrong associations and it's named after the unfortunate moment in helpless by neil young or by uh crosby stills nash and young where he set up this scene of pastoral bliss sort of remembered in stoned melancholic soft focus and he says uh there is a town in north ontario and his uh, blue windows behind the stars. Yellow moon on the rise.

And then the next line is, Big birds flying across the sky. At which point you can only picture the massive yellow thing from Sesame Street just flapping across your line of vision, waving a feathery wing at you and and opening his his giant plastic beak really wide in an expression of wacky establishment which sort of ruins the mood a bit and when you grasp that conceptually you start to notice an awful lot of big birds in quite a lot of your favorite songs um very very personal floyd yeah well that's just as bad in it yeah there's also there's a song by uh larry murray called bugler

which the birds did a version of on one of their later albums i always really liked it, except there's a bit in it that goes, we thought we were birds of a feather. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, and Beasts of No Nation by Fela Kuti. Towards the end of that, it sounds like he starts going, oh, Chris Waddle, you're going to kill them students. I thought, what's got into magic, Chris? He'll pay a harsh penalty for that. But yeah, I'm sure all the pop crazed youngsters

have many examples of their own and now they have a ready-made term for it. Oh, by the way, the the worst frank beard in the world before i forget is the one that doesn't quite work you know how people say john lennon said that is ringo star the best room of the world he's not even the best room in the beatles people say that the same way that they would say a frank beard like oh i oh, I bet you've never heard this quote, when everybody has. But the fact that it's not true, and he never actually said that, and actually it was Jasper Carrot,

is so well known that it's almost more of a frank beard to point that out than it is to say it in the first place. Well, I guess you have frank beards of different lengths and consistencies, and you have the kind of, the ones that don't stray from the chin, beards of different lengths and consistencies and you know you have the kind of uh you know the ones that don't don't stray from the chin and then the ones that just grow wildly out of control and force you to hide your eyes in the street lest you do a violence yeah but this band i mean thank god we got to see the video a status quo not them in the studio because you know i think

zz top would have got right on their tits because it's like oh well there's no need for you now yeah this was kind of another reason that i that i chose this episode because i thought it's it's a good possibly erroneously um it's a good opportunity to kind of compare and contrast your british and american standard chuggalug kind of pub but rock you know i don't know if it's a you know comparing apples and assholes but the biscuits and gravy version instead of meat and potatoes you know yes and if we are comparing them then i much much prefer this to status quo yeah i know it's it's not it's not much of a of a bar to to vault but yeah it's kind of like they they're kind of there's always been something

a bit mucky about status quo for me but not in a way that not in a way that i like in're kind of, there's always been something a bit mucky about status quo for me, but not in a way that I like. In a kind of, it's just a bit of fun kind of way. That's all it is. That makes me tense. This is mucky in the sort of over American way, which is a very different flavour of muck. It's quite over, it's quite, it's quite over. Red clay. There's no like winking or like elbow nudging.

It's like, oh, look at those legs. Wouldn't you like to play them like a guitar? But in America, it's kind of they can get away with it. But it's sort of there's something base in all the ways. But it's not completely, it's still sort of chaste. It's like it's not completely gross. It's actually quite sweet. It's like, give me all your loving, all your hugs and kisses too.

They just want a nice cuddle. This is Mucky like with engine oil rather than chip fat, which is what the quads are. And also, just sonically, this sounds like this is the Grand Canyon and the Quo are like a pothole in Sydenham. You know what I mean? It's a quarry, a disused quarry. A quarry, I think you mean.

A quarry. Oh, come on now, let's stop doing this. I think we've reached our quota for this episode. I mean, I think you could say that the obsessive, weirdo monomania of earlier quo records, in a way, is a bit more interesting compared to this sort of greasy blowout which

ZZ Top were but by this point in time no it's like ZZ Top are like that huge tasteless car that they always add in their videos and Quo it's like an Austin princess you know what I mean there's literally nothing

that you would take from them over this. And this isn't one of their better tracks. I mean, they spent years playing quite a sort of witty and precise form of shit-kicker blues boogie, whereas this is a bit bleary and a bit sort of, you know, beer-bellied. But it's still got a really basic horrible crunch and movement to it which is way beyond status quo you know trundling along on their lorry in the drizzle you know there's that that sun scorched blasted feel to this that is uh a lot more

impressive it's got a bit of life to it hasn't it's got a bit of bollocks to it you know i mean unscorched, blasted feel to this that is a lot more impressive. It's got a bit of life to it, hasn't it? It's got a bit of bollocks to it, you know. I mean, you could, it's, I was kind of like, this is quite weird. This is a weird Top of the Pops moment where it's like, you know, ZZ Top, which is so, it's got, it's so kind of sleazy and all the kind of, all the nice teenagers in the Top of the Pops audience are expected to dance to this.

But I mean, because I would automatically think this is something that you would pole dance to, but you'd need to have like a studded denim thong and a massive blonde perm and dead eyes and three kids by five different men. You know, that's what this is. But actually, I've got to say like i found this strangely moving as a kind of end of an episode um so it's like it's this grubby fucking

stupid ass song and everyone in the studio is having a nice wholesome sway a nice sort of just a little jig about to it and yeah it's the zoo wankers are in two camps with this song because um they're either um really failing to put themselves across to this kind of music because it's it's nothing for them to dance to or they're trying to be a bit sexier i mean there's one zoo wanker in particular who's a bit zz top heavy and uh with no bra on and she's trying to give it loads. Did you just say ZZ Top Heavy? Yes, I did. Jesus.

And she's trying to shake it all about but your eyes go off very instantly towards the kids who were just having a jolly time. There's that woman in the top that sort of draws attention to itself by having a jolly time. There's that woman in a top that sort of draws attention to itself by having a neat hole cut out to show her belly button.

The woman with the dress with the hotel. You know who she reminded me of? Who? Orko in Masters of the Universe. Although I'd be more impressed if there was an umbilical cord coming out through the hole still connected to her mother. That's how you accessorize fucking hell fucking hell this has taken a turn in the last 30 seconds um yeah i mean there's yeah because it goes right you know there's there's kind of you get a longer

look than you usually do at everyone there's a girl in a kind of black and white striped jersey dress who's like giving it a good go and looks so happy and there's a couple of girls sort of pouting but trying to look cool the girl in blue is back and now she's got a fucking blue veil and she's really like working the camera and I love her but the camera lingers on her a bit too

long and it's like no I don't know stop it but just leave her alone it's rude to point a camera no, I don't know, stop it. She can't hold the smolder for that long, can she? But just leave her alone, do you know what I mean? It's like, look, it's rude to point a camera at someone in an audience for that long. It's like many seconds and it's like,

no, no, no, move on, move on. This is getting weird now. But yeah, and then there's a girl who looks about 13, isn't there, in like a turquoise jumpsuit. She's sort of jigging about with a flag and just also looks really happy. And a girl who looks like a young Deirdre Barlow with the glasses.

And, you know, it's so 1984 that it hurts. And I had a moment of excitement where I thought there was a trampoline. Yeah. There's two of them. And I was like, no, it just looks like one. It's a round black bit of stage with like white things around the edges. And at first I was like, is that a trampoline? Imagine that.

I know that would have been health and safety apocalypse, but no one gave a shit about these things in the edges and at first i was like is that a trampoline imagine that i know that would have been health and safety apocalypse but no one gave a shit about these things in the 80s why didn't they have a top of the pops trampoline yeah they'd only have let zoo wankers on it though yeah because they're the only ones who sign the uh sign the forms trampoline or not everyone's and and you know uh slightly possibly pervy cameraman um they're all smiling and cheering they all look so happy to be there and I was just kind of struck by that

in a way that I haven't been with other episodes I mean it's like this is 1984 and they probably know that they might die tomorrow pissing into their shoes

outside British Home Stores in Sheffield you know but tonight tonight we're dancing and that's what it's about and I was like oh I had a little

you know do you ever get those with this i was like oh although it can't really be said that these kids will be looking good when the bomb drops the girl in blue will that's true but but she'll be smoldering even more well that that veil would go up a tree and she probably wouldn't know anything about it yeah yeah up a tree on her bike but generally there's a lot of hairstyles and items of clothing here which i remember sniffing at in mr by right in the mid 80s you know which have now resurfaced like a corpse in the thames you know washed up on the yeah and the pebbly bank of the 21st century. And if history repeats itself first as tragedy, then as farce, fashion repeats itself the other way round.

Because we can have a nice chuckle at these kids trying to make the best of an encroaching cultural winter and perhaps a nuclear winter. But you see the same shit back now with an added twist of self-congratulation, you know, for being such an utter dickhead. That says something really unfortunate and upsetting and tragic about the present day. Because what I don't understand about 80s clothes and hair

and didn't even then is why you would want to turn yourself into a smear because clothes are meant to flatter your physical attributes and disguise your physical failings i mean that's practically a definition of of saying that suits you you know that's what it means uh and the shapelessness or the unnatural shapes of 80s clothes don't do that at all. They cover up your strong points. And if you're short or fat or skinny, they make you look shorter or fatter or skinny. And it's the same with that hair that's just fleece or like a thrush's nest.

And it's got no relation to the shape of your face. So if you've got a nothingy british face with no distinguishing features it i mean you look like a cardboard box that's been left out in the rain it there's a sort of loosening of focus with 1980s style which is what makes it disagreeable i think and why i never liked it there's a bloke fact, I think he's one of the blokes on that little non-trampoline. He's got a black and white cheesecloth shirt and camouflage trousers. Aside from that being a complete mess,

it's precisely the kind of mess that merges into a colourless hole. Because you look at it and you just kind of see a grey blob from a distance. It's not nice. The best thing about it is when that blue air girl comes back on and she's trying to still give it the sultry stare

and then eventually, like she's in an Andy Warhol film, the unblinking stare of the camera finally breaks her down and she can't take herself seriously anymore. She just starts laughing in a sort of games up kind of way and then we close with someone playing Peggy Ollerenshaw in a touring rep production

of Heidi and you know the usual bunch of office plankton doing a knees up which always seem to be there I don't know why. And that Spanish girl isn't next to her so we've uh you know we can discount them as friends not necessarily she might have you know uh gone off to um create mischief in another part of the studio and report back you know they might have they might have just fallen out over over who got simon bates his phone number yes the thing that I take away from this is just the sheer happiness.

Because that's not a given with a Top of the Pops audience. We have seen them look bored and tired and sort of forced and stuff. And I think this is a really happy crowd. I mean, I'm not actually into nostalgia as a thing. I know I'm always going to return to the 80s on this podcast. And I do have sort of very warm feelings for the period, just instinctively warm feelings about it. It's not in that kind of mindless, sentimental way. And, you know, it's like, obviously, life has always been tough and we've always lived a millimetre from the abyss.

And it's not like I even wish that I could have been 17 in 1984, although that might have suited me better in many ways. But, you know, sometimes you get a glimpse of a moment like this and you kind of connect with it across time and space and it's like somewhere they're still dancing and they're still young and everything's all right. Yeah. That's exactly how I feel when we see an early 70s, late 60s one, Sarah. Yeah.

That feeling that, oh, I've just missed out. Yeah, there's a bit of that, isn't there? And it's all bollocks, isn't it? It is all bollocks, but, you know, you have a little... It does make your brain turn over a little bit can i just point out that the costume designer for this episode was odiel dicks moreau yeah also costume designer on early 80s doctor who and when you make that connection uh quite a lot of things fall into place she could have done up simon Bates like a Cyberman.

Well, you know, you don't really need to, do you? And that, me dears, is the end of this episode of Top of the Pops. What's on telly afterwards? Well, BBC One immediately pitches into Don't Wait Up, the middle-class sitcom featuring Tony Britton, Nigel Havers and George Layton. Then it's the second part of Zoo 2000, an eight-part programme about how people will be gawping at animals in this rubbish century on Facebook.

After the nine o'clock news, it's part two of Morgan's Boy, the Gareth Thomas drama series about a Welsh farmer and his nephew from Manchester. Roy Hattersley and Paddy Ashdown have an argument in Question Time and they round off the night with Men and Intimacy, the Philip Hodson documentary series about how

rubbish men are when it comes to discussing their feelings. Oh, the 80s. You were crap at that. We're so good at it, aren't we? BBC 2 has just started the business documentary series Commercial Breaks, where two insurance underwriters oversee an attempt by a space shuttle to rescue satellites that have strayed off course.

Then Food and Drink goes to California to visit a monk with the biggest collection of corkscrews in the world. Jonathan King presents Entertainment USA from Charleston. And then it's a 40-minute documentary, The Happy Medium, featuring Doris Stokes. The Karen Kay Show features Bruce Forsyth, then it's Newsnight and more tennis. ITV is halfway through Knight Rider,

where Michael's mate goes into a coma after taking part in a race, so Michael races against the sports car driver who did her over and bets kit against him, and massively surprisingly wins. Jim Cunt Cunt Davidson puts up two Irish friends who have their own coffin in Up the Elephant and Round the Castle, then Peter Bowles and George Cole star in the Yorkshire TV sitcom The Bounder. TVI reports on something or other. Then it's news at 10, a repeat of The Sweeney,

and they close out the day with Above New Zealand, a documentary about what New Zealand looks like from a helicopter. Channel 4 is running the historical documentary series Scotland's Story looking at engineering and inventing and medical stuff and then it's Holy Wedlock where Fred Wedlock and his chums have a bit of a sing in a pub in Bristol. Then it's the 1982 Jonathan Price and Cherry Lungy murder film Praying Mantis followed by the final episode of The Blood of the British the documentary series about the Norman invasion and they finish off with an

episode of Soap which has lot in ATV land saw years ago. So me dears what are we talking about in the playground tomorrow? I suppose I might have brought up Depeche Mode's naughty anti-god lyrics like at perhaps the last point in British culture history where that might have brought up Depeche Mode's naughty anti-god lyrics, like at perhaps the last point in British culture history

where that might have seemed eye-opening or a bit seditious. Although probably not, though, because we all used to whisper far worse in our E classes, to be honest. Should have heard some of those blasphemous rumours. And I suspect that Gary Newman still vaguely supposed that his white and blue frozen admiral look might inspire some discussion. But I don't think it would have done because the freaky had become conventional and old-fashioned by 1984. If he wants to be a pop star, he needs a baggy black suit with silver trinkets pinned to the lapel over a sloppy white hundred quid blouse and a you know yeah get

out the past futurist 1979 once it's 1984 back yeah um i think it would have to be chukka chukka chukka chukka over and over and over until you experience massive semantic satiation and you fall over and you graze your knee and you have to go and get a plaster. What are we buying on Saturday? Yeah, probably only Chakakant. Although there are four or five other records here which are at least quite good, which is a decent score for 1984. Definitely, yeah. And what does this episode tell us about November of 1984?

You can do whatever you want and you should just have massive hair and a synthesiser and prance about like a tit because life is short and you might end up being nuked to death while you're buying pants at Marks and Sparks. There is a terrible wind blowing in, scattering all the old weird ideas and new perspectives. And in 1983, things were still in

disarray whenever we do one from 1983 it's always all over the place but now it's settled a bit and there is a new reality and a new orthodoxy which is people who aren't necessarily quite as young as they used to be putting away childish things you know musically and selling the results to children which i mean this episode creates a bit of a misleading impression because all the team bands are on hiatus at the moment but even there you know there was a parallel shift with those bands and we were being asked to admire their material achievements or respect their their splutterings about pride and dignity you know or their musicianship,

or their charity contributions. And rather than being transported, which is why a couple of years later that overtly foreign romanticism of A-ha would feel like a breath of freezing Arctic air. But this is solid live aid, this era, isn't it? And there's more good records around than there would be a few years later but there's not a whole lot of drama or surprise

but anyway me dears that is the end of this episode of Chart Music all I've got to do now is shit out the usual promotional rubbish so I'll do that right now www.chart-music.co.uk facebook.com slash chart music podcast

find us on twitter at chart music t-o-t-p money down the g-string patreon.com slash chart music and you know give us a review

on iTunes if you fancy it. If you've got nothing else to do and you've got your phone in your hand say something nice about us. Yes please.

Thank you very much, Sarah B. Oh, no, no. Thank-wo. Thank you very much, Taylor Parks. See you later. My name's Al Needham and if when I die I find God laughing at me,

I'm starting on the cunt. Ha, ha, ha. Chart music. Summer radio on the Simon Bates Show Hear his music grow On the Simon Bates Show Radio 1 This week's top 40 With a full rundown of this week's top 10

Juan Martin and love theme from the Thorn Birds at number 10 New Moon on Monday by Duran Duran standing at number 9 Top 10. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper is four. Doctor Doctor by the Thompson twins stands at three. Radio Gaga by Queen is this week's number two. And still at one. Frankie Goes to Hollywood with Relax, which because of the nature of the lyric, we don't think suitable for broadcasting. I watched this morning have a fag and then make a cup of coffee. Didn't make me a bastard.

Had another fag, then she rang her mother up and fucking slagged me off. Had another fag, you she rang her mother up and fucking slagged me off. Then another fag. You know what she was waiting for? Simon Bates' Radio One hour tune. Do you listen to that, girls? And she sits there crying her fucking eyes out. It was so funny. The other day I taped it.

I thought, I'll have to do this on stage. They began the car rally but stopped for lunch in a wood. And after having lunch, they decided not to bother with the car rally. And for lunch in a wood and after having lunch they decided not to bother with the car rally and there you are then i'm sure you don't want me to exaggerate on what happened they had a fuck just suffice it to say they had a good time so they did the decent thing and in october 1976 they got married and they had all the things that young couples want. A large mortgage, the in-laws round every Sunday for lunch, and no baby talk. Until after a few years, she got broody, did Moira, and in February 81, Victoria was born. And that's where the R tune comes in, because in fairness, Steve isn't that slushy and sentimental, but Moira is.

And this is what Moira saw. A time for us, someday there'll be When chains are torn by courage born of a love that's free A time when dreams so long and night can flourish As we unveil the love we now must hide We now must die.