Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - Bonus: Chart Music Live 2022

Episode Date: August 18, 2024

We’re doing the London Podcast festival on September the 7th at Kings Place, Kings Cross! But Al never got round to mentioning it on Chart Music!So – as a taster for those who have never experienced the thrill of people doing a podcast, but in front of other people – here’s the audio of our first ever gig, as Sarah Bee, David Stubbs and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham in a heroic attempt to squish a typical episode into 90 minutes.Fortunately, the episode we covered – from the glory days of 1981 – has been truncated due to Spurs and Man City being unable to win the FA Cup the previous Saturday, meaning that it's only 19 minutes long as the replay is on after. Tommy Vance has been parachuted in from the Korean War, and he introduces a melange of late-period Eighventies curios. Thin Lizzy make their last-ever appearance. Sheena Easton's new bloke sounds like a right bell-end. Vaughn Toulouse recreates a porn DVD cover. Kim Carnes avoids a party of American Zoo Wankers. Tenpole Tudor actually play to some over-twelves for a change. And Adam Ant coats down some bloke in a coach for having a shit record collection.Even though we're on the clock, there's still time for tangents, including a doomed stripping gig at a naval base in Portsmouth, the return of the Rock Expert, songs we lost our virginities to, Lewis Collins firing a shotgun in his own living room, and Basil Brush: Cock Nuisance. TUCK IN, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS...Get your tickets for Chart Music Live, 7th Sept, 2pm, Kings Place, Kings Cross HERESubscribe | Facebook | Twitter| The Chart Music Wiki | Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers' internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language which will frequently mean sexual

swear words. What do you like to listen to? Umm... Chart music. Laughter Chart music. Woo! The lights go down, they're back in town Beneath the stacks, you glimpse an axe. The tension mounts, you score an ounce. The curtain's raised, let's get Pop Crazed! Ayyyyup you Pop Crazed youngsters and welcome to a special bonus episode of Chart Music, the podcast that gets his hands right

down the back of the settee on a random episode of Top of the Pops. I'm your host, Al Needham and the first thing I need to say is tar very much to the Pop Craze universe for your kind thoughts about the last episode. We've finally started to get back on the charty horse and I can't deny we're enjoying once more the dig of the saddle against our critical prostates. But everything has been put on hold because for the third year running, chart music has been invited back to the London Podcast Festival. Oh yes, Pop Craze Youngsters, Saturday September the 7th, 2pm, King's Place, King's Cross, London, the

rippling stallions of the Chart Music stable will prowl the stage once more and yeah, it's only just dawned upon me that if you're not on patreon and you don't dip your head into the shit bucket That is social media nowadays. You wouldn't have known anything about this So I better make some noise about it on here as tickets are still available So if you want to be in the company of Sarah B, Taylor Parks and my good self for an afternoon speed run through an episode of Top of the Pops followed by a lovely piss up afterwards on September the 7th, you get them fingers, you position them over the keyboard, you mash, mash, mash kingsplace.co.uk, that's kingsplace.co.uk and you step up to the pay

window. Now then, it don't sit right for me shilling the live show and then pissing off, so just as a special treat, I've rammed me hand right down the back of that settee and I've pulled out the recording of the first ever live show we did way back in September of 2022 when me, David, Sarah and Taylor set about an episode of the Pops and oh mate we were shitting breeze blocks about this, our first date with the pop craze youngsters. So, sit tight, listen keenly and prepare to witness the raw power of chart music. Oh Stop that I've only got we've only got 90 minutes and you're not Peter Powell So none of this woo bollocks we've got a lot. We've got a 90 minutes and you're not Peter Powell. So none of this woo bollocks.

We've got a long afternoon... Well, we haven't got a long day after the nervous. We've got a very short afternoon ahead of us, but we've got a lot to fit in. So, anyway... Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to a very special episode of chart music, the podcast that gets its hands right down the back of the settee on a random episode of Top of the Pops. I'm your host, I'll need them, don't clap. But I can't do this alone.

I need someone with specialist knowledge. I need someone with expertise. I need someone with expertise. I need... I need... You know what, he deserves better than that. Come on, after three. Three, two, one. Rock expert David Stubbs! Rock expert David Stubbs! Thank you. Anyway, there is too much testosterone on this stage at the moment, I'm sure you'll agree. What we need right now is a lovely lady with a lovely voice. Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah fucking B! So the gang's all here and we're not going to fanny about, we're going to get straight stuck into this episode of Top Of The Pops that you've come to see. So, what?

No, no one said anything then. Ruined it for me. of Top of the Pops that you've come to see. So, what? No one said anything then. Ruined it for me. Get your ass out, Taylor Parks. I Have some self-respect So this episode pop craze youngsters takes us all the way back to May the 14th 1981 for reasons that you'll discover in good time. So Midair, when I say the music of 1981, what is flaring up in those pulsating musical brains of yours? David, go now. Slowly but surely it's going from monochrome to colour, post-punk to new pop. It's a bit like

in Australia when they first got Colortelli in 1975. so I shouldn't laugh shouldn't laugh and what happened they did it in mid program it went from black and white color This is the thing is what was happening in the culture at the time Only was just a bit more covert than you know when the Beatles went from revolver to sergeant pepper Sarah well it was non-stop erotic cabaret Although the erotic cabaret did have to pause occasionally so that Phil Collins could do big drums. So some stop erotic cabaret. 1981. Britain rocked to Freddie and the Dreamers. Flares were all the rage. Arthur Scargill was king of the hippies and even George V wore dealy-boppers.

This is the level of fucking imprecision and distance we've now reached in most TV documentaries, podcasts, writing about a period in our cultural history, our modern cultural history. And it's a dereliction of duty, so let us at least attempt to act as a corrective and to inhabit that dead gray sky, cock and balls graffiti, chip shop smell moment in real people's lives and at least if nothing else give it the kind of respect it deserves through which we may learn more than we expected or nothing at all. Anyway me dears, let us ram the fist of knowledge into the cow's arse of May 1981. Hit the fucking music! Radio 1 News

In the news this week, the Pope has been shot in Rome and at the time of broadcast is still touching. Do you remember that David? Oh, I was united in universal grief. What? Nah, we're just making jokes about the next Pope is going to be George Ringo on the right kind of stage. Francois Mitterrand batters Giscard d'Estaing in the French presidential elections. Peter Sutcliffe's house in Bradford has been firebombed while he's dividing his time between Brixton Prison and the Old Baylor as his trial drags on. Also in court this week, Lewis Collins, who got into a row in his own house

with two organisers of a charity he was chairman of over how funds should be distributed, and responded by going upstairs, retrieving a shotgun from his bedroom, kicking open the living room door, shouting, is this cleared up once and for all, and discharging the shotgun into a wall I allowed my television role to take over for a moment he said to reporters as he was fined 150 pounds 150 pounds for

firing your own shotgun into your own wall man. That's just Britain. I allowed my TV role to take over a moment, he said, raising one eyebrow in a black polo neck sweater and a leather jacket with epaulettes before carrying out the extrajudicial murder of a foreign national. Stuart Hall is in a burns unit in Manchester

after falling asleep under a sun lamp. But the big news this week is the death of Bob Marley three days ago. Fucking hell, chaps, you remember that? Oh, yeah, who's so sad? You know, toe injury, then he dies of cancer. I mean, yeah, you think... We have the Paul Nicholas against Bob Marley debate debate don't we? Paul would have got it checked out. Yes. I'll say that much. I mean so on Bob you silly old spiritual fool. Magic sponges weren't eye-tell though. That was the problem. I remember that very well because that night me and my

mates were dosing around the youth club playing war there and my mate Boise Williams was dais to go up to a load of fifth-year Rastas and tell him that Bob Marley had died and he'd heard about it and he went up to them and he's bouncing this tennis Ball and he just said Bob Marley's dead and these lights turn around and go what did you just say? And he just held the tennis ball up looked at him and said I like tennis and walked off And lived up and looked at him and said, I like tennis, and walked off and lived. On the cover of the NME this week, Bob Marley. On the cover of Melody Maker, Bob Marley. On the cover of Smash It, Department S. The number one LP in the country at the moment is Kings of

the Wild Frontier by Adam and the Ants. Over in America, the number one LP in the country at the moment is Kings of the Wild Frontier by Adam and the Ants. Over in America, the number one single is Morning Train, 9 to 5 by Sheena Easton. And the number one LP is Paradise Theatre by Styx. Fucking hell. So me dears, what were we doing in May of 1981? Well, I was 19 and I was slowly morphing into a post-punk boy. To the south of me, I mean, it was still a bit 1970s, you know, very unsemiotic black

trousers and brown shoes, but up top I was growing a filochi style fringe and I had a little mid-euro mustache, but unfortunately it kind of drooped into me more of a kind of lechowlenska number due to poor maintenance and I was desperately short of like-minded people. After my class was soon into Deep Purple, Genesis, the others were into fucking Duran Duran. It wasn't so much the gang of four with me it was more like the gang of one. They were the losers I told myself, they were the losers. Sarah? Well I'd just turned three and my, yeah I know, unbelievable isn't it, my own hair, my hair was very slow to grow and I didn't like to wear dresses so I was probably still being mistaken for a very small skinhead.

Zayla? Eight or nine, still mostly pract practicing football, in vain. I think that was down to my training methods. You know, Pele used to practice with an orange. The logic being that if you can control something that small, when you get something the size of a football at your feet, it's so easy to control it. So I thought I'd go one better. I used to practice with a banana. The logic being that when you get something

that's actually round at your feet, it's a piece of piss to control. But it didn't work. I kept trying to bend it round the wall and it just goes straight. And also I kept bursting it. Yeah. Well, I, oh my voice is going shit, that's bad omen, innit? I turned 13 a fortnight ago and I'm making my first foray into being a severe pop craze youngster. I've got me first ever band poster on the wall, which was at the jam, obviously, from one of them poster magazines. It was about the size of that, pretty much. And the only thing I can remember now is that Bruce Foxdon had a massive fucking cold sore and they didn't bother to airbrush it out

so over my bed for about six months was like a cold sore about the size of a fist so anyway you know we usually go on for fucking ages in these episodes we we've laid some sort of a table here, haven't we? Yeah, we've set the scene. So yeah, there's only one thing to say. We're not gonna do telly, usual ramble. All that remains to say is, all right then, pop craze youngsters.

Always remember, we may coat down your favorite band or artist, but we never forget... ...Aviance of the Boss for the Rehab! Exactly! Are you ready to rock? Hi everybody, good evening and welcome to Top of the Pops. We have 19 minutes together tonight. It's going to have to be as fast as a parachute jump. And we start off with Thin Lizzy, are you ready?

It's five minutes to seven on Thursday May the 14th 1981 and top of the pops and the pop craze youngsters by extension are suffering the brutal effects of shrinkflation. This is all down to Tommy Hutchinson who the previous Saturday managed to score for Man City in the 30th minute of the FA Cup final and then scored an own goal in the 79 to force a replay, which is on this evening, forcing BBC and ITV to reschedule. If you've got a Radio Times at home, take it out, throw it in the bin, it's worthless. The last time that this happened, ch in 1970 the BBC wisely moved that week's episode of Top of the Pops to Friday but they didn't this time. Do you want to take a guess what was on the Friday night that Top of the Pops didn't replace?

Well it must be something very important. A question of sport and a repeat of Dez O'Connor tonight. A fucking repeat. Shit world, fuck off. So this episode of TOTP, which is a year into the reign of Michael Hurl and still undergoing its transformation out of the 70s, has been cut from 40 minutes to 19 and a bit, which is the reason that we're doing it. David, we covered an episode recently where the top of the pops clashed with an ITV preamble of some football. We talked about whether we would have broken and switched over. Would you have done this at any point? Yeah, I'd have flicked to Dickie. Why do you hate pop, you bastard?

I know, sorry. I'd have flicked to Dickie. Dickie Davis, yeah. I mean, you know, this Spurs-Man City, it was an enjoyable brace of matches and, you know, I. I had a flick to Dickie, Dickie Davis, yeah. I mean, you know, this Spurs man said to you, it was an enjoyable brace of matches. And, you know, I'm an Arsenal fan, but honestly, I was supporting Spurs, which is, I haven't yet learned to hate. But, you know, they're great. I thought they've got this very modernistic,

forward-looking team, you know, they've got Aussie Ardiles, they've got Ricky Velier. Yeah, right, no, stop, stop. Fucking hell. I hate Spurs, they beat Forrest the other week, can't do anything. The elephant in the room, of course, No, stop stop fucking on but I experts have eat forest the other week The elephant in the room, of course is that the Pope is still undergoing pretty major surgery and is to quote me ma'am badly Which means there's a very distinct possibility that this show could be interrupted at any time by news flash And top of the pops could change at any moment into topping of the Pope.

Thank you. Your host tonight is Tommy Vance who bestraddles the landscape of Radio 1's weekend programming like a colossus presenting the Friday Rock Show and then returning on Saturday tea time for Rock On, a magazine show about all the things that inflame youths with studded wristbands. He's just completed a full year as a member of the Top of the Pops presenter pool which at the moment includes Peter Powell, Mike Reed, Simon Bates, Richard Skinner and Jingle Nuns OBE. This is his sixth appearance, David,

and on first impression you can say, well, he's not suited to this sort of thing at all, but you can say that about any other presenter at the moment, and like Bates, I feel he brings gravitar to the role. He's always welcome on top of the pops. Your thoughts? He doesn't have the sort of sneer of a Bates, or for that matter that kind of very deadpan

disdain he'd get with John Peel. You know Tommy Vance is a bit like a vicar of village faith, politely listening along to the amateur pop band, but in his heart he's rock. I mean you know he's the vicar of rock if you will. And rock is his faith and while he won't be snide again like John Peel he'll even nod along, you know, to the soft pop that deep down in his heart he knows that if you listen to the Osmonds and if you listen to Haircut 100 you're going to hell. Well, he's not in the creeps bracket which is obviously a plus, but he is firmly in the what am I doing here

bracket I think. Mostly to me though he just looks quite sad, like he has to hike his eyebrows up so high and point to show enthusiasm because like the smile muscles are just not operating. Well it's an improvement on the last time he was in television set when Basil Brush tried to bite his cock off. I mean people on the last is he had felt teeth. So Tommy found it almost pleasant. The thing is he's a bit unsettled in it because he looks like his own school photograph, artificially aged. It's the hair and glasses. He looks like it was the morning of his school photograph and he just He saw his whole family wiped out by Brazilian death squad

or a loose caracal and Still went in and got it taken looking somewhat ashen, but you know Life is tough and it builds character and he's turned up tonight wearing a parachute suit. Yeah! I don't know I looked through all the news for that week and nothing to do but he's like hey, parachute suit. It's like I mean I don't look I've got no objection to Radio 1 DJs exiting airplanes mid-flight and I don't even mind if they're wearing a parachute as long as the plane's flying over the top of a volcano or a field full of bear traps. But this is just confusing, isn't it?

I mean, to my mind, he looks like a failed Soviet Union attempt to create a Nolan sister. I mean, I think it says it's going to be up to me as fast as a parachute jump. I mean, I don't know much about parachute jumping but surely the slower the jump the better and the faster the messier. Yes. Yeah, the thing is the first, you can't even tell at first that he's got a parachute suit on because it's chest up the first shot of him. And I had an absurd thought, he looks like a dinner lady in Mash. He looks like he's about to serve you a sloppy portion of tin shepherd's pie in the mess tent in 1953 but it's 1975. To me actually he looks like the dictator in Woody Allen's bananas you know the one that just goes absolutely you know insane the moment he's elected you know so the official language is now

Swedish underpants must be worn on the outside and changed every 15 minutes so we can check. He's a very confused man trying to make a new wave statement. No, no, I'm not having this man. I mean, if this episode has to be interrupted by an announcement about the death of the Pope, I hope they get Tommy Vance to do it, man. That voice, it just suits, doesn't it? Straight to a stairway to heaven. We're still seven weeks away from the exploding vinyl intro

so we're hit by the stark black and white repetition of the top of the Pops logo and the voice of Phil Linna asking us if we're ready to rock and oh by the way did you notice that Tommy said red hair in the Nottingham accent. That's fucking mint of him. Are you ready? The Nottingham accent is the language of rock, isn't it? You know, baby! We cut to the kids seated behind a red video screen as a logo entitled Special FA Cup Final Edition zooms in, giving off a distinct great news for all our readers vibe,

rather like when your favourite comic gets gutted and folded into monster fun. It informs us that we've only got 19 minutes of fizzy pop excitement this week and instantly throws us in the direction of Are You Red Air by Thin Lizzy Air. Since we covered Lizzy on chart Music in 1978, they've maintained a regular presence on both the charts and top of the pops and this is a follow-up to Killer on the Loose which got to number 10 in October of 1980. It's a collection of live performances called the Killers Live EP and this track, their go-to gig opener since 1980, has been picked out for airplay.

It entered the charts of Fortnite a go in the 46th, and the following week it soared 18 places to number 28. This week it's nudged up four places to number 24, and here they are. And the first thing you notice is that with half the kids sat beneath the video screen there's a very scant amount of youth clustered around the stage and there's a huge sway the studio space which is must have been massively disheartening for Lizzie. Yeah it's a sort of crescent of shame at the front. Yeah definitely. Would you mind if I related a story from my male stripping days? Absolutely. You alright with that? Under no circumstances.

It's alright. I'm only going to say it, I'm not going to do it. The sight of all them kids ranting, Lizzie, reminded me of one time when we got booked to do a gig at a naval base in Portsmouth. We were promised that there was going to be thousands of lady sailors there, all gagging for us to drop anchor. But when we got there, we were told that everyone had got paid a day earlier, so everyone had just fucked off into Portsmouth to get pissed up and hit each other and consequently we ended up playing a full 90 minute cocks out and everything gig to six women. All of whom were lesbians. And if they weren't before. No. It's true. I looked just as shit then as I do now. No, because we said, why aren't you going out?

They haven't invented gay bars in Portsmouth yet, so we'll watch you if you want. And, you know, to be fair to them, they had a go. And, yeah, afterwards they said it was really good, but we'd like to stay lesbians, thank you. it was really good but we'd like to stay lesbians thank you. So yeah anyway, thin Lizzie, which is what they call my cock come to think of it. May 1981 is pretty much the dawning of the age of Greb at my school when all the youths, well some of the youths, you know they ditched their Arrington's and got their denim jackets with the rainbow patches on and so you'd think Lizzie would be perfectly placed to capitalise on that,

but they are definitely in the diminishing returns phase here, aren't they? Yeah, this is like the sound of being glassed in a late night Soho watering hole. It's like an element of danger always attached to thin Lizzy, but when their music was full of poetry and charm, that just added character and and detail but now that they're just chugging into the void it's a little bit oh it's that stuff's all you can feel and it's a bit trying it's because this record is like taking the space shuttle to Deptford it's like it's it's very noisy and impressive and it it burns through hundreds of millions of gallons of fuel But it doesn't really take you very far and then when you get there, it's worse than where you start

Is but I mean, you know at least it was a quick journey I think the trouble is that are you ready is such a loaded question Which really demands a good answer and this is a little bit somnambulant I think as if the full title is are you ready for bed closed brackets not for open brackets even start before you finish thanks for coming everyone are you ready for bed open brackets not for sex or anything, closed brackets. To which my answer would be, yeah, stick the electric blanket on. It's pleasantly scuzzy, but it's not spunky, I think.

It's the gluten-free ace of spades. I mean, you know, God bless Phil. You know, pioneer of large-faced rock. Always looks like he's wearing a Phil Lynette head but I mean he's and also supporting Spurs tonight no doubt because he's a big man United fan he used to spend most of his time hanging out with George Best in the Clifton Grange Hotel but these records at the tail end of the Lizzie's career are like the musical equivalent of signing for the San Jose earthquakes

Just you do something easy and unchallenging to remove all All obstacles to perpetual indulgence Rock expert you got anything to say? Not yet I mean they've not shifted Since 1976. No, I mean those trials have not shifted since 1976. No, no. I mean. Those trousers have been on since 1976.

Pretty much, pretty much, yeah. They come down, but not off. Yeah, because the Grebs at my school, they were into Nawabem and the soft arse ramble like sticks and Oreo Speedwagon. And Lizzie, obviously between two two stalls aren't they there? I mean you know at least Led Zeppelin sort of tried to go a bit new wave you know and they take with their trousers a little bit in 1979 but then Lizzy another single moustache hair. So the following week Killers Live jumped five places to number 19 its highest position, the follow-up Trouble

Boys only got to number 53 in August and the follow-up to that Hollywood also only got to number 53 despite a band appearance on Jim'll Fix It where they performed the single with a gran air on keyboard. And although they scored three more top 40 hits they split up in 1983 and this was their last ever appearance on top of the pops but before we move on we have to turn it over to the Rock expert that's right you a mixture of hard rock and hard facts and I hear you here to talk about Thin Lizzy. And let me tell you, when we're talking about Thin Lizzy, we're talking about sex.

Sex. Then, we've all done it. Women, you've all had it done to you. We've all Thin Lizzed. Or, again, in the case of women, been Thin Lizzed.. Even the name, thin-lizzy. Yeah, we get it, Phil. We've all compared our thin-lizzies in the men's bathroom. And whiskey in the jar. Yeah, right. Whiskey. Jar. He's talking about sex. In the vagina. Or, this most famous song, Jailbait. There's going to be some jailbait somewhere in this town.

Yeah, try this school, Phil. But it's no joke. Attempt sex with underage girls outside of school today, and you'll be the one thrown in jail. You! Bogus! Crazy times, Mr. Policeman. Crazy times.

But we're back in 1981 with this hard-driving, iconic number. Are you ready to rock? He's not talking about rocking. Don't come a-knocking. The boys are back in town and if the boys want to have sex you better let them please Mike and Lizzie hasn't had hit since 1981 either next And that's Tim Hizze there at number 24 with Are You Ready? They're currently putting the new album together in the studio. They'll be doing appearances during the summer and a big tour during October.

But now, this is Sheena Easton. This man's a child. This man is old. Sometimes he is mild. Sometimes he's bold. Vance, cut in a jaunty dash with his free hand clamped around a massively thick brown belt, tells us about Liz's plans for the rest of the year before introducing When He Shines by Sheena Easton. This single, her fifth, is the follow up to Take My Time which only got to number 44 in

February of this year. It entered the charts four nights ago at number 42 and was immediately put on top of the pops as she's practically a BBC invention which helped it soar 15 places to number 27. This week it's nudged up four places to number 23 so here's another chance to see that performance and chaps that single was produced by Christopher Neal and if you'd have been nicking off school today or on the doll you'd have seen him on telly as the presenter of you and me fancy that eh? I mean obviously this is a piss break in an episode that doesn't need one. But I like to see this...

I like to see this as a sop to the mams, because the only other thing that would have interested mams tonight on the telly would have been this month's wedding of the year, which was Kevin and Glenda in Crossroads. So that and this, that's your lot, ma'am. It's football and pop all the way. Mm-hmm. Two minutes in, we need to take a breather. It's ridiculous. At least, with the two Ronnies, they gave you about 15 minutes of four candles or whatever

before they trundled on Barbara Dixon. I mean, it's, it's... But you can see how it would have gone down with the mums and teenagers like me at the time, you know. It's like, that's quite enough rockin' and rollin', young man. You'll do yourself a groin injury. Bum-bum. Look, if you don't like the music, then now would be a good time to take the dustbins out, like you promised. Go on. Oh, alright. Little cunt. Oh.

Thing is, it's like most people who make it through reality TV, which is sort of what happened with Sheena Easton, she now has no idea what to do. And the people in charge of her now has no idea what to do and the people in charge of her also have no idea what to do because there's no future in this sort of sub-broadway stuff. It's like for Alba and you, four chords. You know what I mean? Despite the line, sometimes a tramp, sometimes a dude, gravestone sorted. But I mean even if we didn't know what we know now which is how saucy she could be and how much more comfortable she looked doing that this would still be unbearably tweaked.

She's got that haircut that looks like she lives inside the bell of a buttercup. Now she's dressed like C3PO's little sister at her birthday party. And it's like... Oh, oh, yeah, shiny clothes. Oh, I get it. When shines. Oh, yeah, the shiny clothes. Obviously. I mean, she should have really gone for it, I think. I mean, it's top of the pops. You know, you want to accessorise with like a fancy bejeweled head torch maybe like a mirror ball bra I don't know sorry yeah as if she hadn't hammered it enough with a record because when you hear the whole of this song it goes when he shines when he shines when he shines when he shines

when he shines he shines so bright she makes you sit through that many repetitions of a bland phrase for a pay off that week and lazy. It's awful. Why couldn't it have gone, when he shines he shines his pen torch down the back of the kitchen unit to see if that's where the spatula went. Or when he shines he shines like the rooftop gun sight of a careless sniper. When he shines, when he shines, when he shines, he shines like a seal, like a shield reviled, defiled, insecure, like a rock star's child. I mean that's just the thought, you know, I mean nobody asked me. Is she going out with Mr. Sheen or something? No.

That's never going to work, is it? What, Mrs. Sheen-a-Sheen? That was what she said to Knockback Barry. Because that will have happened one day. Anyway, this song is a textbook example of a genre that I like to call wankers in pop, where the singer who almost always a woman tells you about a new bloke and you listen to it and you go, oh god, he sounds a right cunt, doesn't he?

The classic example of this, of course, is My Old Man by Joni Mitchell, where we learn very early that a new bloke just annoys people in the park with his fucking guitar. And she says, oh, we don't need a piece of paper from the city hall. And you go, yeah, who's told you that, Doug? He's a bellend. Knob him off. Yeah, I think it's a beautiful sentiment, you know, loving someone in spite of their flaws or eccentricities.

But I don't know, Sheena, babe, lot of red flags here. Sometimes he changes colour just like a chameleon. Sometimes he only speaks in a sort of guttural growl like a bear. Sometimes he swings from the bannisters like a gibbon. Sometimes he comes home covered in barnacles. But he shines on to clean things clean. He's got a little biplane and he goes round me ass. I mean, it doesn't help that this is supplemented by images

of these poor fucking kids clustered round her, looking like they're at the most boring fucking museum ever and she's they're looking at a spinning Jenny that they're not allowed to touch man. Fucking awful. It's weird I mean back in 1981 it was like seen recently was the anti Grace Jones you know she's shaken back personified you know staying at home while a baby takes the tree. Grace Jones, she's the futurist female, Amazonian, angular, mega cool. By the end of the decade, Sheena Easton had ploughed all of her earnings into building up this huge property empire and Grace Jones

was filing for bankruptcy. There's no moral to that story, so it's just ironic. Yeah, Sheena Easton's property empire slogan, live inside my sugar waltz. Yeah, it's just not very 1981, this, is it? Like, whatever 1981's going to be, this is more a sort of relic of some 70 or other. It's a very damp song. It's a sort of soggy ballad. Yeah, it's soggy but it's not moist. Not moist.

And we know what she's capable of. Oh yeah. And it's better than this shit. So the following week, When He Shines jumped 11 places to number 12, its highest position. However, her star was rising in America and she beat out Dusty Springfield and Donna Summer for the right to record the theme tune to the next James Bond film for your eyes only. It was released at the end of June, began a steady pull up the chart and eventually got to number 8 in August, her last top 10 hit in the UK. Apparently she's the only singer to appear

in the credits of a Bond film, Unless, of course, you know better. And Roger Moore said that she was sexier than any of the Bond girls in that film. What better judge of human sexiness than Roger Moore, eh? Yeah, but that terrible film is the one where James Bond turns down a proposition on the reasonable grounds that he's old enough to be a grandfather. When that's happening, the franchise is just fucked, isn't it? Having acknowledged the absurdity of 10 out of 10 business class Russian bikini babes flinging themselves at a crinkly glazed wax work, because Roger Moore was about 60 by

this point, and even though it's the 80s he's still kind of moving and talking. In the film they made four years later he's having it off with Grace Jones. The key imagine is, oh well my dear, allow me to pull up to your bumper. He pushes a little button on his wristwatch and a lolly stick pops out to lash his old cock to. Like a splint. It's got a Union Jack on the end. Oh, Taylor. Oh, can Taylor just stop?

His sex life complications are not my fascinations. Next! When he shines, he shines so bright. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was lovely, that was an amazing voice. Question number 23 in our chart at the moment is called Where He Shines. She also has the number one record in America. Now, here are our Departments. Asking the question is Rick there. MUSIC PLAYS The night is young, the mood is mellow, and there's music in my ears, saying it's Vic there. The night is young, the mood is mellow, and there's music in my ears, saying it's Vic

there. The night is young, the mood is mellow, and there's music in my ears, saying it's Vic there. The night is young, the mood is mellow, and there's music in my ears, saying it's Vic there. The night is young, the mood is mellow, and there's music in my ears, saying it's Vic there. The night is young, the mood is mellow, and there's music in my ears, saying it's Vic Vance tells us about how well Sheena Easton is doing in America at the minute and then whips us smartly into Is Vic There by Department S. Formed in London in 1979 by Vaughan Cotterlard, who changed his name to Vaughan to lose, Guns for Hire were a ska punk band who immediately put out their debut single I'm Gonna Rough My Girlfriend's Boyfriend boyfriend up tonight Which featured the lyrics? She gazes in his eyes, so they must be finer. I wonder what she'll think when he's got a shiner

She wants his lips to do some kissing I wonder what she'll think when his teeth are missing and sadly failed to chart. They changed their name to Department S after the 1965 ATV series, and this is their debut single under that name. Although it failed to chart in early 1981, it began to garner regular airplay on Radio One's evening shows, which encouraged RCA to re-release it in March. It slipped into the charts at number 40 a month ago and began a slow pull up the charts,

and this week it's gone up seven places to number 22. And Chaps, it's clearly been decided that this is the band at the moment, isn't it? I mean, can you imagine being a department S member right there, you're just recording in the top of the pop studio, you go out, you get a cab into central London, you go to the places where they're selling tomorrow's newspapers tonight, you get smashed hits and there's you and your mates on it. What a fucking time to be there, man. In a noise. It's their stop to post-punk on top of the pops is part, but for me something like this

It's it's like punk never really happened, you know. I mean he looks like a young Mike Reid Doing an eldest impersonation of Cockney, not R E I D That's right, that's right, yeah. Oh, you've got your bingo cards, that's your blue tulip reference. I hope you've got your bingo cards, that's your blue tulip reference. No, for me this is just like a quirky new wave random dog's breakfast. If you imagine if instead of sex pistols occupying that cultural position you'd had sailor, then I think this is the sort of like continuum you'd have, you know, this cool stroke uncool, You know not having it mate No If we could just rewind a little bit that article in smash hits that's come out today

Reveals a lot about top of the pops and the first paragraph despite describes a flick Colbert Getting on stage before they start filming Telling the kids what's on tonight, and then telling them how they should dance to them. Can you believe that? tonight and then telling them how they should dance to them. Can you believe that? She says the next one is by department S and that's a real blitz kid number. I want some intense meaningful mo movements, none of this silly disco stuff. I mean zoo is clearly on its way but for now it's the kids who are going to have to pay in sweat. Anyway this, you're your to ignore him. You don't like it. You can fuck Something actually sounds like it was made in 1981 fucking yes. Well, yeah, I mean to be fair to Vaughn Toulouse He doesn't not belong on top of the pops. Also Vaughn Toulouse is a brilliant name

It's like a drag name, isn't it? By the way, my my own drag name is Brent crude I am I am I am thinking of changing it to keep it current to something like Spike Protein. But it sounds like Phil Oakey and looks like Nick Caiman. There's a lot to appreciate there. He looks frankly like Daniel Peacock, doesn't he? I can just imagine him going into the do it all dance at any moment or singing

now listen here stop me if you've heard it a million kids do nothing to deserve it you know mancle me care of only fools and horses I know the one two three fours one day Well, I mean, music is not their strong point. That's true, but it is a great stage name, up there with my own projected nom de coeur for any future solo project, which is Julius K9. And, let's be fair, he was born in the Channel Islands, the Hawaii of Britain. And I like that microphone technique. It's like the old porno DVD cover pose. It's alright, you know.

It's a telephone! Look, he's on the telephone, It's not a man's knob. LAUGHTER I like the fact they all look so horrible. Like, they all get out the shower and they're four inches shorter. You know what I mean? He's clearly taking the piss out of the new Romantics here and he's really sticking it to them. You say that, Al, but I've got that jacket.

LAUGHTER And I know that it looks good, because when I was in New York I went to the Empire State Building inexhaustibly original as ever and the usher on the queue said to me, hey nice jacket! But he could have been lying because for the tourists Manhattan is a huge phony rich bubble filled with professional subservience. The only other person that I spoke to there was a toilet attendant in a bathroom in a restaurant. He was up against the sink you know handing out napkins for a tip and stuff and as I left he said to

me have a nice evening and I said oh, you too. Fucking stupid things. It's like standing in a toilet until 2am. How good do you think his evening's going to be? I think there's a definite ceiling on how nice his evening is going to pan out. And that was when I realised, because I've never been around servants and I've never done any of those jobs, so it was only then that the penny dropped. You can't talk to those people like you're on a level with them, because for as long as they're at work, you're not.

And alas, if you try to speak to them like you're their mate, all you do is highlight this phony but unbridgeable gulf. Whereas if you remain a loop in distance, speak to them as staff, they don't even notice you're there and everything's fine. speaks to them as staff, they don't even notice you're there and everything's fine. It's a dirty world, even in the public toilets of New York City. But yeah, Department S, I didn't know what Department S was. It was just on the wrong side of the six-fintes for me. If they'd have called themselves the Sweeney or Hector's House or something like that, I would have got that.

Did you know that, Sarah? No, I did not know this, so I had to look it up. And it ran for 28 episodes. It sounds amazing. Some of the episode titles include The Double Death of Charlie Crippen, The Man Who Got a New Face, Dead Men Died Twice. Does that mean Charlie Crippen, the man who got a new face. Dead men die twice. Does that mean Charlie Crippen died four times? It's a tough break. And the bones of Byron Blaine. So you have

to do it in this voice. And the final episode was broadcast on the 4th of March, 1970. It was entitled, Soup of the Day. Here's the Wikipedia synopsis. When a crate of soup is stolen from a bonded warehouse, Department S suspects smuggling. But when the team locates the stolen soup cans, all are intact and contain only soup. Is it a case of double cross and black well? See, if Department S had called themselves department soup I would have enjoyed that very much he's a bit tattie though in it naming your band after a TV show that finished about 10 years ago and

naming your song after a Monty Python yes which this is much if you were now and you go you got a new band oh, we're called Ant and Dex Push the Button. So, yeah, I've got a new band, it's called Richard Bacon's Beer and Pizza Club. And our single is called Smell My Cheese, You Mother. People think you're a prick. You know what I mean? I don't know. If it had been Blake 17, they might have made the cut. Now I love Vaughan Toulouse with the likes of Boy George and Steve Strange. You know, scene-stores who are working out how to get in on this music business thing.

Because, you know, at the time he's writing for the face, he's flat-shared with one of Banana Roma, and he's putting himself about with his new best mate, Paul Weller. So he's basically living the life that I wanted. And let's not forget, I stood next to him at the first ever gig I went to, Tracy and the Questions, Trent Pollard. Yeah, ooh. And I didn't say anything, it was just like, oh god, you know, Paul Waller, you're fucking brilliant.

Anything else to say about this? Yeah, they're still going. No. Yes, but the only original member left is the keyboard player. Still, you know, go and see them. There's no possible way you're going to be disappointed. Obvious follow-up question. Have they been on the Heritage Chart show? What do you think, Al? I just saw a poster or something. Yeah, of course they've been on the Heritage.

So the following week is Vic there dropped four places to number 26 and the band started to put together an LP and release the anti-army tune going left-right But it only got to number 55 and after falling out with a label in each other They were dropped after their third single I want failed to chart in November and they split up in March of 1982...shine. Fuck off! all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. That's the father, that's the number 22,

and the song called is Victor. I'm sure he's in the file somewhere. Hey, come on, let's look at the charts. Saxon! 30, the band played on, that's by Saxon. At 29, it's gonna happen by The Undertones. 28, this all by Shaken Stevens. Saxon! when he shines by Sheena Easton. 22 is Vig there, Department S. 21, Don't Break My Body Again by Whitesnake. And this week at number 20, we have a song originally recorded by Jackie DeShannon

that Kim Karns has made the hit out of Bette Davis' eyes. Her hair is hollow gold Her lips sweet surprise Bants standing by the video screen with a load of kids at his feet drops a shit joke about the cup final replay before throwing us into the lower third of the top 30, settling upon this week's number 20, Betty Davis Eyes by Kim Karns. Born in Los Angeles in 1945, Kim Karns was a job in songwriter who spent the early 70s as one of the sugar bears, the advertising mascots of the American cereal Super Sugar

Crisp and recorded five songs which were pressed onto the back of cereal boxes. In 1973 she teamed up with her husband to write songs with David Castaner for his LP Dreams Are Nothing More Than Wishes and became a support act on his world tour, but success still eluded her and she closed out the decade putting out a country ballad under the name Connie Con Carne Entitled She Dancers With Meat called She Dancers With Meat. In 1980, I'm gonna start calling it that now actually, in 1980 she duetted with Kenny Rogers on the single Don't Fall In Love With A Dreamer, which got to number four in the Billboard chart and her solo career was back on. After being originally offered the Smokey Robinson song, Being With You,

only to have it withdrawn when Robinson realised his hit-making potential, she opted for a cover of the 1974 Jackie D. Shannon LP track, which was radically 1981'd up, put out in March, and is currently sitting at number five in the American charts It's entered our charts at last week at number 51 and this week it's 31 fucking places to number 20 So here's the video but before we get into the video that clip of Vance at the beginning standing over the kids looks like a fucking hostage video doesn't it? Your children will be made to listen to three from rush and Rothschild in session unless my demands are met

Nice he's gearing up to tell Hawkeye and hot lips that the kid didn't make it and offer them some Offer them some helmet hash by way of cancellation. But anyway, all of a sudden here we are in the proper early 80s or at least the American version of it, eh? Yeah, I mean I like this, it's seen as a weirdly distressed off kilter little number, you know. Normally I hate that kind of hoarseness in a bloke, you know, Joe Cocker or Sean Dyke or whatever, you know, as if authenticity means refusing to suck a lozenge, you know. But I love it here. And I don't think that's even an erotic thing.

In fact, hand on heart, I spent decades getting Kim Karnes and Kim Fowling mixed up, you know, and so I didn't actually see this episode. I was never quite sure it was a boy or a girl, never decades. You know, and the fact that he, she's singing about Becky Davis, that kind of threw me too, you know. I didn't know. It's very enigmatic, very androgynous. Yeah, I liked it. I mean, tracks like this, they're often described as guilty pleasure. But you know, it's not like you're furtively wanking off a monkey in a public zoo, is it? It's, you know... Why would anyone feel guilty about that? I liked it. I didn't feel guilty.

I don't feel guilty then. Lots of people liked it. No harm was done. The monkey would probably have liked it. I just didn't talk about it. Quick question, David. Is that why you've still got the glove on? I mean, I was shocked not only by David's confession about monkey wanking but but by the fact this song was a fucking cover Who knew I know I I was also shocked to hear that David Stubbs wanks monkey

Just disappointed I wasn't just disappointed. But also by the fact that this was a cover I had no idea. And it is a million miles from the original, isn't it? You'd never know. The original is a sort of Major Key, Carly, Simon, honky-tonky sort of thing. It doesn't sound anything like this. It's an incredibly audacious reimagining. I mean she could have fiddled with the chorus and changed the lyrics about it and have a brand new song and made all that money. Silly girl.

Oh well. But the first video with an I. Yeah, yeah and it's a great song isn't it? It's the best thing so far by a mile I think. And it is a very hearty, raspy voice. But she's, and I don't mind that, but she is overworking it a bit. Like I hadn't heard this in years. And I always liked it, but listening to it now, I realised how her performance is so mannered

and so knowing, it's exhausting. I wish they'd used the take she did later on when she was tired and wanted to wrap things up. I bet that would have been great. But musically, it's brilliant. It's got a great hook. it's got this gorgeous 1981 sound palette, it's got the splashy drum pads that people are slapping each other to in the video. It's great. I might gripe about her mannerisms, but this version is definitive now. It's been covered by the likes of Kylie and Taylor Swift and just a year later Alvin and the Chipmunks, all of whom to a woman or rodent followed her inflection she's precocious like you can't not do you can't not do it's like you can't say metal guru can you you have to say metal guru yeah paperback writer there's

like those Dylan songs that you can't really cover because there it is the tune right this video looks like they told Kim the party was fancy dress but it's optional and she had to come straight from court. And what I don't like about it is it's in a long parade of videos which you have to sit and watch a load of people that a really straight person thinks looks really weird Do you know I mean and it always means a load of vapid models in 700 pound clown suits I mean always and it's just I Mean, that's put it out there now the band look fucking cat shit. Don't they? It's like they've seen a report on the new romantic movement on the local

TV show Good Morning Buttfuck Alabama and they've come as extras in Captain Pugwash or the rival less good band in The Monkees. Yes. Yeah. And it's... What's especially bleak about it though is that... excuse me, didn't get any sleep last night. This could not be real. What I hate about it is that the weird aesthetic, like the mainstream weird aesthetic of 1981 is this Pierrot pirate thing, which clashes horribly with this record aesthetically and thematically because the elusive temptress of these lyrics is not going to be knocking about in green foil britches and a cardboard hat with a skull and crossbones on it. Now is she. I know but does it make you think about how time is time is wasting though?

When do I ever think about anything else? No but it's just because she's 36 right and it's like that might be why she's not dressed as a pirate, but it's like I'm generally fascinated by people who make it a little bit older than is normal in their particular art form, right, partly just because I have wasted time and now time does waste me. You meet people like Sting and Captain Tom. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd just be nice to think that at some point I might reach entry level, you know, at least

like write a fucking book or something. You know what I mean? Sarah's written some books, David's written more books than Terrence Dix. And if I get- Available at the merch stand by the way. No, they've run out. If I get hit by a meteorite on the way home tonight, it will be, well, we have this ambivalent 500-word reviewer

menswear. From when he was young and mad and shit what a fucking legacy but yeah more we're worrying though that I'm gonna be the fucking taxi with you so but also it's the fact that excuse me I'm sorry I wasn't well But the idea... We've got time. We've got time, right? Every time we record chart music, Taylor, he gets a bit like, he gets a bit, you know, choker every now and again.

And he presses his mute button. And what do you do, Taylor? I do an impression of Robert Plant. Would you like to hear Taylor do an impression of Rob and Plantpup crazy youngsters? Yeah, well I'd like to fuck Nicki Minaj. Thanks for coming everyone. No, she's not here yet Taylor, sorry. Never mind. Anything else to say about this?

Yes, what I was going to say. Oh sorry. A good piece of work by an older mind gives you uncommon perspectives that you don't normally get, right? Something new, something fresh. The trouble with this is it's a 36 year old woman singing a 28 year old woman's song. It's like just some UHT milk that's been in the fridge for seven years and you're like it's still exactly the same.

She's been making records for years because these are the days where you could live in a bel-air mansion off the profits of three flop LPs because the business was so rich as opposed to now you've got 19 million sellers and you're living in a bed-sit you're renting off someone who used to be in Department S. It's got a roof, but no walls. Anything else to say about this? Nope. She managed to find a rhyme for pro-blush though, didn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very conscious pro-blush. I never understood that because do Americans use the word pro in the same way that we do? Because to me an American pro is a professional like pro footballer or a pro wrestler and you wouldn't say all Hulk Hogan's a prostitute wrestler. She should have run me. You've got to run for pro blush. Yes, Super Cali, Go Ballistic, Celtic are atrocious. So the following week, Betty Davis Eyes jumped 10 places to number 10 and would stay there for two weeks, but in America it deposed 9-5 by Sheena Easton, leapfrogging being with you in the process and stayed there for a total of nine weeks.

Becoming the second biggest selling single in 1981 in America and the second biggest selling single of the 80s after physical by Olivia Newton-John. The follow-up drawer of the cards only got to number 49 in August and she never troubled the charts again but Betty Davis eyes had a long afterlife throughout the 80s as part of a 7-up campaign with Pac-Man and yeah she was she got a nice bit of comeback didn't she Sarah? She did yeah well she and Betty Davis actually became became pals because Betty Davis heard and liked the songs. Isn't that nice? Yeah, she wrote King Collins a letter saying, oh, thank you very much for making me seem cool again for me, for my grandson.

Lovely, lovely story. Wouldn't it be even nicer if in 1989, after Betty Davis dies, Kim Collins gets a Jiffy bag in the mail? LAUGHTER a jiffy bug in the mail. Next! They're disgusting. Oozing fluid. She's got, Betty Davis eyes Oh look at these ones Kim Carr is a beautiful song called Betty Davis eyes That lady is an ace singer

Ok, let's go back to the charts At 19, The Mute Triangle by Vade Man analo at 18 can't get enough of you by Eddie grant at 17 only crying by He's partial. I know Corita by Quincy Jones is 16 Muscle-bound by spandau 14 the stray cats by the stray cats at 13 We've been going by sugar my not at 12, attention to me by the moment. At 11, can you feel it? Yeah! And this week at number 10, live from the top of the POP studio, we have Tenpole Tudor.

And a record that's getting everybody going. It's jumped up 12 positions this week to he pitches into the middle third of the top 30, pronouncing the name of the muscle-bound hitmakers a Spandau Ballet before introducing Swords of a Thousand Men by Temple Tudor. Born in Lambeth in 1955 Edward Tudor Pole was the grandson of the spiritualist Wellesley Tudor Pole who had traced the family's lineage to the second Duke of Suffolk and Owen Tudor, the Welsh grandfather of Henry VII. After graduating from Rada, he learned of an audition for the new lead singer of the Sex Pistols, which was to be filmed for the documentary The Great

Rock and Roll Swindle. Tudor Pole was not only offered a part in the film, but also asked by Malcolm McLaren to write a song for it called Who Killed Bam Bear? Although the plan to keep the pistols going died on its arse when Sid Vicious did, Who Killed Bam Bear, under the name Temple Tudor, was released as a double A side with Silly Thing and got to number 21 in October of 1979 which spurred him on to form his own band. This is their third single and the follow-up to Three Bells in a Row which failed to chart. It entered the charts three weeks ago at number 73 then soared 36 places to number 37. Their

debut appearance on Top of the Pops that week kicks us up 15 places to number 22, and this week it's bounded another 12 places to number 10. And here they are with the assistance of Legs & Co who've got no tails on this week. We need to talk about Legs & Co first because, you know, we all know this is their last year on Top of the Pops, but there's been no indication that they're gonna be arsed out. I mean last week they donned sky cut off gypsy dresses for Stars on 45 and next week they're gonna make all steam come out of Dave Lee Travis's ear where they slink about around some bins as feral felines in Stray Cats strut. Child music number 36, grill equals fanny I I believe. But here, alas, is a taste of the role that they're going to play for the next few weeks until their demise being the side action during a band performance.

It's not right, is it? I'm trembling. It's a humiliation. It's a humiliation for Legs & Co. I feel terrible for them. I mean, look, you get the idea that, like like they're going to have to be phased out at legs and co because, you know, it's the 80s. We're getting away from the idea of objectification of women, etc, etc. It's a disgrace. It's a disgrace. It's like sixth form girls being told to go and liven up the school disco

for the third form boys, you know, show them how to strut their stuff. I mean, it's it's they shouldn't have to mingle with the pop her. They should be on a pedestal, I mean, or it's not room for them on a pedestal, but you know, that's where they should be, you know, it's terrible, they might get their bottoms pinched. I mean, they're in principal boy outfits here, but it's very hard to glean any daddisfaction from this, what with the melange of flash parts and all the use at the front school disco in it up and the gurney visages of temple Tudor Dad's ain't gonna get out of this tonight. Are they?

No, it's true. It's a great look, but you know, they shouldn't be tucked away at the back like that It's a bit too enemy incorporating melody makers. Oh Let it go no, you you know it's true. We were the legs and co of British music journalists. And they were an enemy with the Dave Lee Travers'. Fuck them! Exactly. So, the song.

Our erstwhile colleague, Ian Watson, had a club night called Club Beer, whose motto was, music that only sounds good when you're drunk. And this was the flagship tune which was great but also inaccurate because I think it sounds delightful and fun and I am quite sober so you know I mean to be fair to Legs and Co they could dance to anything that was like their job but this is not really to be danced to it's to be galloped about to on your pretend horsey. The song though, it's you know it's the rip and roar of manly combat isn't it, presumably against the French or some

sort of... Or the poor, because I mean he might have done his time in squats or whatever, this half cured Jerry Sadovitz guy, but essentially he is just another big posh show off isn't he? Like most of arts and media. That's all he does. He's like, I mean, all me ears are burning. But I'd rather have this kind of harmless, mindless exuberance than the posh bands of today. Who think they're genuinely, you know, we've formed a band, very boho and hippie, we're called Laffer Curve. But look, people thought about this in terms of punk, right, but really what it is is glitter rock. It's glitter rock that's morphed into war paint

rock. And there's a lot of it about in 1981. This lot are in between department S and this week's number one artistically as well as in the running order for this week but it's alright because when you watch enough top of the pop sis from 1978 to 1980 as we do in every one there's always like some sort of bedroom mirror pump band or concrete slab new wave band. It would just come on like Dennis and the Din Makers. You know what I mean? But they rehearse in an alley next to some dustbins with yowling cats on backing vocals.

And it's just, it's a real drag. Whereas at least now that this is the now thing these chances with sort of limited in at least they are now able to do something a little bit less trad and boring you know I mean so but it's even if it's still a waste of everybody's time at least it's at least it's not. Okay, because, Expo, what are you saying? Well, you know, there are things happening down there in the old post-punk realm, but, you know, again, we're just bogged off with something different. Dennis and the Dindmakes is absolutely right, you know,

cartoon punk. They look like the kind of, you know, the Dimmer members of the Fen Street Gang or something, but, you know, but it's... Eddie Tempo reminds me of Kramer out of Seinfeld doing Joy Division covers or even a young Ian Anderson out of Jettro Tull doing a comic punk turn. There's a lot of that going on you know. There's actually a story about Temple Teder. I know a geezer who plays on the band on one of these constant sort of I Heart the 80s tours, you know. And Eddie Temple was telling him that, you know, they've been booked for a series of gigs, you know, around this time, you know, when they were pretty famous like this. And the attendances were woeful. No one turned up. And they realised that basically the fan

base was 12-year-old boys, you know, they were all put off to bed, you know. Now at the time I would have despised anything that appealed to 12 year old boys, so there's probably a certain pomposity to my loathing in fairness. I mean you're right Dave because I love this lot in with bad manners and splodgeness of bands. Bands are only too happy to pitch up on Get It Together, Razzmatazz, Hold Tight, you know, that sort of band. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To their credit and obviously yes to their financial benefit, they've leaned right into that, you know, they're not worrying about being cool, but now I think about that. Just imagine the money they've made licensing this, money they don't even need. Oh no, class

war now, over the hill with the swords of a thousand men adjusted for inflation. Anything else to say about that? Yeah, what makes me uncomfortable, there's something genuinely a little bit unsettling about this bloke, do you know what I mean? For all his careerism, like behind that sort of mask, it's something a little bit too real, do you know what I mean? Like look into his face, like behind the stage madness, he looks like somebody who you might meet, and you know like a lady sort of, he's a bit wild, and then he's like, oh I don't know, quite a nice lad, oh he's sweet though isn't he? One thing leads to another, they start seeing each other,

then one night they're lying in bed, discussing where to take their sex life next. And she says, oh, come on, come on Ed, tell me, what's your biggest fantasy? What is it that you really think about? What you really wanna do? And he says, well, look, don't laugh, right? Promise me you won't laugh.

Do you absolutely promise me you won't laugh? All right, promise me you won't laugh. Do you absolutely promise me you won't laugh? Okay, I think it would really turn me on if we were having sex and you were dead. You said you wouldn't laugh, you said you wouldn't laugh. I'm sorry, I thought that was laughter Thanks for coming everyone I Feel I should say I feel like I should say I have it I also know someone who is on one of those I heart the 80s toys might be the same person

I do have it on good authority that he's nice chap not heard anything about him being into zombie sex play You never know about people, do you? You don't know who's a necrophile, who's a monkey wanker. Anyway, personally, I will always be fond of this song because this is what was playing when I lost my virginity. Yay! I lost my virginity to John Cage. What, the man himself? Are you taking the piss?

I meant that was meant to be something I was thinking. I'm silent on the subject. You're sitting on a step saying you actually lost your virginity to John Cage? Yes. You lost your virginity to his Cate. Yeah, you lost your virgin bestiality and necrophilia. So, the following week, Swords of a Thousand Men nipped up four places to number six and stayed there for two weeks. The follow-up, Wonderbar, got to number 16 in August, but their final release in 1981, Throwing the with a bathwater would only get to number

49 in November and after their second LP failed to chart they split up in 1982 but swords of a thousand men received the ultimate accolade when it was covered by Roy North on Get It Together wearing a leather motorbike jacket and waving a sword about like a midlife crisis teacher preparing to clean the streets Well that's 10 for a student, they're not the 10 in the class with swords and a thousand men Eddie Allen the band goes for Spurs, Legs and Co. go for Spurs, my mate Andy Peoples goes for Manchester,

me I go for Spurs, and you go for the charts. You are the metaphor of seasons. It's the follow-up to Kids of the Medicare, the delightful Kim Wild at number minus week, and check out the love. The word delightful spraying a bit of Febreze on Tommy's imagination.

I know it would take a time, Febreze on Tommy's imagination. Well, will Uz's dream become a reality? Bloody hell, London podcast festival. I thought we'd be able to do a bit of arse-sling. ...the final squad. ...number eight. Win, Uz's dream. End! End! Look at that Confederate flag at the top, man. What's going on there? It's taken them ten years to do it.

Bootham! Bootham and Kingston. And I'm gonna keep on loving you It's taken them ten years to do it But the biggest thing they've ever done I'm gonna keep on loving you I don't wanna see it I just wanna keep on loving you You gotta speed it up Down to number six this week, B's Fish, Making Your Mind Up. It first appeared in a 1978 Italian film. This is called Chi Mai. It's by Ennio Morricone.

Bro, 1971 Polish film. You ignorant cunt. Max, who just can't go wrong. Their single has gone up two positions to number four. Grey Day. That's The 61 On the single stars on 45 has the line this week is at number three by star No one take photos of us looking up at that please.

Last week at number 5, this week at number 2, Shaken Stevens and your drive me crazy. Yes! Came in last week at number 1 and it's still there. Adam and the Ants and stand and deliver. And that's it for this edition of Top of the Pops. I'm Toby Vance, enjoy the cut final. I'll see you soon. I'm a dandy high woman in your T-skate adventure. I spend my cash on looking fashion grabbing your attention. The devil's head, yes, Stereo and your...

Yeah, fuck your shit records, mate. Vance, still at the video screen, tells us that Edward Tudorpole... Where is Bryce? What? Where is Bryce? Where's something so late? I don't know. Where's your manners?

I'm not his dad. Vance, still at the video screen, tells us that Edward Tudorpole, Lex and Cohen himself are back in Spurs to win the FA Cup final replay with only Andy Peebles favouring Mancetta. And then unfills a video montage of the top nine and is not heard of ever again. You know why that is? That's because off screen they're bundling him into the helicopter and wrapping a blanket around his slumped, karky shoulders, telling him, Tommy, everything's gonna be okay. Baa-daa-daa-daa-daa-daa-daa-daa-daa-daa.

LAUGHTER But he's left us with the porting gift of Stand and Deliver by Adam and the Ants. Fucking yes! Yes, yes! This is their seventh single and the follow up to Ant Music which was denied its rightful place at number one by Mark fucking Chapman in January of this year. It's their first new material since Kings of

the Wild Frontier was released last November. It came out on May the 1st and immediately crashed through the leaded glass window of the charts landing on the top table and throwing Making Your Mind Up by Buck's Fizz to the floor. This is its second week at number one, so here's another chance to see the video, which was directed by Mike Mansfield and was so cutting edge for its time that the making of it was featured in tomorrow's world. True. Clearly the greatest song about delivering that isn't personal Jesus or Ernie brackets the fastest milkman in the West. There's a definite feeling he's stormed out in disgust Tommy Vance isn't he?

I'm a patient man but yeah it's weird Adam and the Ants generally are under regarded in a lot of the 80s retrospectives, you know, compared to say Human League, Boy George, Duran. I remember there was one of those Channel 4 Top 100 80s hit shows, and they got right down to the top three and I thought, bloody hell, Adam and the Ants are going to take the top three spots, a clean sweep, you know, fair enough. But no, they were blanked. And I don't quite know why that's been their fate, because they're so on it, they're so correct.

I mean, we saw those wankers earlier on in the old Kim Karns video, who knew Wade Mead's dressing up as pirates, for Christ's sake. And the Amps dresses as pirates, and it's absolutely spot on. And why would that be? It's surrealism, it's things like the juxtaposition know, what would that be? It's surrealism. It's things like the juxtaposition

of Dick Turpin and Burundi percussion. You know, it's genius. It's dali. And ultimately, I think with Adamantz, it's the dream of becoming. It's a plundering history. And that's very key to this specific point in the 80s. Well, leaving aside most of what I was gonna say

so they don't pull the plug on us halfway through. I think he almost gets written out of history, Adamant, because it was too spectacularly individual. It was a flash, just a quick flash in childhood, just a moment. Do you know what I mean? It's almost like it left no traces. You never, you see footage of Vietnam and they play all along the watchtower and painted black. You never see footage of this over footage of the Toxteth riots. Or Botham's ashes. And

this is partly because Mark Boland's disciples grew up to own the media whereas Adam and I don't know who was really strongly influenced by Adam and went on to thrill us. Who wants to be influenced by Adam? You've got to chuck yourself through windows and all sorts of things. Dangerous! Well there's not many of them because it's just it's too much of a moment and too unsettlingly individual you can see Adam at the end here smoldering like the careless cigarette end in the ashtray that burnt their house that Jack built. And it's like, it's magnificent but it's going to end in tears and you can see that now.

Yeah, I mean there's kind of a few groups around this time who got into this situation. I think ABC for instance who are so definitive with the lexicon of love, they just paint themselves into a condo, there's nowhere else to go. Then they have to spend the next 40 or 50 years carrying on existing. I mean, you can't dance to this either. You can only gallop on your pretend horse, who's already warmed up at this point. And I think you should, because life is short and pleasure and pop music are fleeting.

I mean, I could go on about this for ages, but I'll skip to the end, which had previously been discussed on this podcast, where he's indeed smoldering into a mirror. And it's this very loaded moment of contemplation after all the cavorting. And it's like, what does it mean? Is he still in character?

Is he out of character? Does he still feel like this swashbuckling hero of his own creation? Or is he a burned out human being at the tail end of a two year manic phase? And it's impossible to tell, but I do wonder if there's a sort of metanarsisism happening at the end.

And he might be fully inhabiting this kind of shooting star moment that he's living and inviting us into it. And I do wonder if it's not just okay for a pop star to enjoy the cursed gift of their own beauty and magnetism, but right. But of course, no serious discussion of the meaning of a pop star's image is complete without slapping Cup Final Special directly over their face I feel. Yeah thank God yeah. Well they had to do it didn't they? It's alright dads. Yeah yeah it's okay it's alright

football is coming, cans of skull, heterosexuality, girls, meat paste, sandwich oh thank God he's gone. Yeah up for for the cup. Hairy men in a communal bath drinking milk out of the bottle. And then back into the grey slacks, drive home to the four bedroom detached house that smells of bacon and nappies. It's all okay. It's fine, it's alright now. It's alright. I mean, let's not mourn, Adam.

Let's celebrate this. Because this getting to number one is the kids reasserting themselves in the charts, isn't it, after the foul winter of Lenin. Erm... LAUGHTER Seriously, man, that fucked up the charts for so long. I mean, as someone who'd just been a teenager for two weeks, this song was fucking perfect, man.

It's just full of them verbal tics that teenage lads makech to themselves when they're just sitting there watching teller, you know Yeah, even if you don't know the words for this song you can still sing along yes Yeah, and I know I've mentioned him before but I've got to mention him again though. This lad at my school who decided to go to the youth club as Adamant but made two fundamental mistakes. Number one, he used Tipex for the white stripe. Number two, he did the stripe across his fucking eyes. Ended up rolling about on the floor in Agone. Had to go to A&E and have his eyelids separated,

so yeah, the power of pop, ladies and gentlemen. Anything else to say about this? No. So, Stand and Deliver would spend five weeks at number one, eventually usurped by Being With You by Smokey Robinson, and would finish the year as the third best-selling single of 1981 behind Don't You Want Me and Tainted Love. What a fucking year 1981 was. The follow-up, Prince Charming, entered the charts at number two in September,

spending four weeks at number two, and they closed out the year with Ant Rap eventually getting to number three in January of 1982, but they split up three months later. And the song resurfaced in 2003 when it was recorded

by Ant as Save the Gorilla. Open brackets from David, close brackets, for the Diane Fosse Gorilla Fund but EMI blocked sales of a physical CD and apparently only three copies are in existence and that's Pop Craze Youngsters brings us to this end. It brings us to an end of this episode of Top of the Pops. So, me dears, what are we talking about in the playground tomorrow?

Ricky Villa, probably. Ooh, yes. Ricky Villa, still Ricky Villa. If only John Matson had gone, Still Ricky Villa, what a fantastic run. Go on. LAUGHTER David.

What? Hello. Erm, yeah, Adam. Al. I didn't say that. Adam. There, Adam. Al. Adam, say those. Adam. There we go. Adam, I noticed something in your face. Yes, and it's a marvellous face. Fucking hell, it's all falling apart at the end, isn't it?

It's fine. Nobody noticed. What are we buying on Saturday? Adam and, furtively, Kim Carr's. I'm buying Better Davies size, that's my purchase! And certainly if I didn't already know it too well from the playground. And what does this episode tell us about May of 1981? Well there was a new pop invasion brewing and a couple of pops knew it. And this is them saying, you can fuck your anti-rockism and stuff it up your arse you bunch of preening fucking ballerinas.

Fuck you Dexys, if you think the trombone is going to replace the guitar in five years time, fuck you Haircut 100 for trying to make us hold our guitars like teddy bears. We will rock and we will pop and we will punctuate it with turgid little granny ballads to the end of time. Well, within the Top of the Pops extended universe, the death struggle at the moment is between two aesthetics. One of them, the acts who would somehow complement the image of Dave Lee Travis driving a rally car,

or Dave Lee Travis driving an 18 wheeler, or Dave Lee Travis driving the new Tolbert Sunbeam, when in fact the only car I want to see Dave Lee Travis in is one that's just disappearing behind the Stemmonds freeway sign. And on the other hand, a load of over-powdered tin foil galoots trying to make it genuinely silly and genuinely fun. And as the 80s wears on, they both win and they both lose. And also it tells us the FA Cup still matters. Yes! Fucking hell! I think this episode tells us that May 1981 is a month with big dick-terping energy.

And that, me dears, is the end of this episode of Charmed Music. I don't have to do the usual promotional flange. It doesn't matter, does it? So, thank you David Stubbs. Ruff! Thank you David Stubbs. Ruff! APPLAUSE Thank you Sarah B. APPLAUSE

Thank you Taylor Parts. APPLAUSE And thank you, Big Al. Thank you very much. Thank you! Fucking hell, you've come all over the country to see us. You don't know how much we appreciate how much you've helped us over the past few years. Seriously, I'll start roaring in a minute. So I'll say all that shit out in the bar. You come and see us afterwards and, yeah. Fucking hell. You're Al Needham my name's Al

thanks for coming my name's Al Needham Bummer Dog and we all did a bit of a beef and fowl I kicked lumps out of me 7% standard deliver spent four more weeks at number two instead of number one. We sold some bummer dog t-shirts, we all went off to the pub, I let us sing along a jubilee rumble in the beer garden which was a bit dicey as it was the weekend of the Queen's funeral and we all had a lovely time. Seriously, Popcraze youngsters, we put so much work into these shows and they're always stressful as fuck, but they're always worth it when we get to commune with the Popcraze universe afterwards. So, I'm going to sign off and get back to banging my stick at Sarah and Taylor and demanding

to be paid in sweat and normal service will be resumed soon. So one last bit of whoring. Chart music live Saturday, September the 7th, 2 p.m. Kings Place, Kings Cross. Tickets available at kingsplace.co.uk. My name's Al Needham. Stay pop crazed! You Deep in the castle and back from the war back with my baby on the fire burn tour Hoorah when the men down below All outside was the rain and snow Hear their shout, hear their roar

They probably all had a barrel of much, much more Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, hey Over the hill with a soldier with a thousand men With a sword of a thousand men We had to meet the enemy a mile away Thunder in the air and the sky turned grey Assembling the knights and the swords were sharp There was hope in our English heart Hear our shout, hear our sound We're gonna fight until we have won this town

Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah, hey For Mother Hill, we're the soldiers of a thousand men Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers.