Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - Chart Music #47 (Part 2): 25th December 1977 – The Last Supper Of Showaddywaddy

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

#47: 25th December 1977 – The Last Supper Of ShowaddywaddyA sort-of-festive episode of the podcast which asks: Jesus, why do we always leave this to the last minute instead of doing it in August like everyone else?It’s the arse-end of the year, and you know what that means, Pop-Crazed Youngsters: another ram of our hands into the Quality Street tin of a Xmas TOTP. This year, it’s 1977, which means that Noel Edmonds has taken one of his suits that all look the same out of the wardrobe – but this year he’s joined by Kid Jensen, in full Stylistics clobber. No trifle-related interplay this year, then, but it’s quadruple overtime for the Top Of The Pops Orchestra, who have stashed a dozen or so Party Sevens under their chairs to keep them going, and Team ATVland (combined age: 19) are sulking that they can’t hook their Binatone Pong to the telly, moaning that their Ricochet Racers isn’t much cop, and leafing through the 1978 Starsky and Hutch annual and dreaming of chocolate pancakes respectively. There were some astonishing singles that came out in ’77, but musicwise, and bar a couple of exceptions, this is your Nana’s Top Of The Pops. Showaddywaddy pretend to have a futuristic buffet. Some kids are bussed into White City to wave a tassel on a stick (or just the stick). David Soul’s head floats in space. Johnny Mathis pops up again. You can hear Kenny Rogers’ arse as he lowers it onto a wicker bar stool. And oh God, it’s Manhattan Transfer. But here come Abba, Space, Denice Williams, Hot Chocolate, and the return of Floyd Flipper as a fruity Santa! Oh, and there’s Paul McCartney’s Living Shortbread Tin and Bing Crosby. It’s a massive, sixteen-song evisceration, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, done with the care and attention you’ve come to expect from the little elves of Chart Music.Neil Kulkarni and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham for a long, hard stare at the winners circle of 1977, complete with such tangents as the Showaddywaddy Hanky Code, Lobbing It Out on Channel 4, assuming French is just English you don’t know yet, the gang war between Brighouse and Rastrick, Space Crumpet, when it’s time to finally let go of the Radio Times Xmas issue, and a chance to see someone from Chart Music looking like a massive potato on telly very soon. Merry Swearing!Video Playlist |  Subscribe |  Facebook  | TwitterSubscribe to us on iTunes here. Support us on Patreon here.This podcast is a member of the Great Big Owl family. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast is a member of the Great Big Owl family. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language, which will frequently mean sexual swear words. What do you like to listen to? Um... Chart music. Chart music. Chart music. Hey, you pop-crazy youngsters,

and welcome back to part two of Chart Music 47, the Christmas Day 1977 episode. I'm your host, Al Needham, and here I am back again with me little elves, Taylor Parks. Morning. And Neil Kulkarni. Hello there. Oh, we do like these Christmas ones, don't we? You see, it's a good chance to just ram a year into our ears and eyes. Yeah, it is.

And, you know, cultural historians looking for what they expect to see from 1977 will be scratching their heads a little bit at this episode. Considering, you know, what 1977 is always referred to as and what is always talked about with regards to 1977, this episode's quite an eye-opener. Yeah, we're going to see Noelmonds as a santa with a big swastika on the front aren't we and safety pins hanging from the christmas tree all right then pop craze youngsters it is time to get stuck into christ Day 1977. Always remember, we may coat down your favourite band or artist, but we never forget, they've been on top of the pops more than we have.

It's ten past two on Sunday, December the 25th, 1977, and we are immediately assailed by a whole lot of love by the Top of the Pops Orchestra and a special message for each and every one of us. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year from Top of the Pops. We then get a fucking weird image that i think is supposed to be a load of baubles but it looks to me like someone with a brussels sprout for a head wearing a parka carrying half a watermelon on his shoulder it's a bit fucking it's strange that image isn't it very strange and then after a procession of spoilers after what's going to be on over the next 15 minutes we're introduced to our hosts, Noel Edmonds and Kid Jensen.

Yeah, it was Arthur Schopenhauer, the great German philosopher, who said that life swings like a pendulum to and fro between suffering and boredom. Your hosts tonight are Noel Edmonds and David Kidd-Jensen. Edmonds, who is still the leonine overlord of Radio 1, having completed his fourth and final full year as the host of The Breakfast Show. He'll be

leaving in April of 1978 to work weekends. He's also into the full flush of his run as the presenter of the multicoloured swap shop and yesterday morning he hosted Swap of the Pops, a special compilation show which featured Abba, Bonnie Tyler, The Carvels, Chopin, Chuck Beret, Cliff Richard, Giorgio Moroder, Heatwave, Giorgio Moroder, Heatwave, Harry Seacombe, The Old Sailor, Mozart, Show Woddy Woddy, Smoker, Status Quo, Tina Charles, Twiggy, Vivaldi, Wings and the Wurzels.

What a line up that was. Sadly, this episode was wiped by the BBC, but we've been given the opportunity to see a clip or two from the 1976 version, weren't we? Uh-huh. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, interesting in the sense that it wiped out my will to live.

Yeah, it was just a load of clips from videos and previous performances on Swap Shop and stuff like that. I mean, the only thing that really grabbed me was they did If Not You by Dr. Hug, but it was accompanied by illustrations from a school ran your way, wasn't it? Junior school at Bethnal Green.

They were asked to provide illustrations to go with the lyrics, which was interesting to see a song through a child's eyes and not real that um you know that some of the loops were a bit adulterated dr hook sing who's gonna see that i'm fed and there was a painting of uh some bloke sat at a table with a big slap up meal yeah going on typical bino fair big pile of chips with sausages and pies sticking out of it and And his wife standing next to him looking very pleased with herself. And then the next line, who's going to want me in bed? And the bloke's being tucked in by his wife

and probably having a story read to him. Kids of that age, they weren't sexed up, were they? Well, he's been at E. Palicci's all afternoon. Bit full of grease. The other host in a wine-coloured flared velvet suit with a ruffled shirt and matching bow tie is Kid Jensen, who has had a meteoric rise through the ranks since joining the station in 1976 from Radio Luxembourg. He's locked down the drive time slot this year, taken over the Saturday mid-morning section from Emperor Roscoe and will be filling in for Alan Friedman at five o'clock this afternoon as the host of a special champions edition of Quiz Kid, the Radio 1 pop quiz show. He's also been firmly mixed into the rotating

cast of Top of the Pops presenters in 1977 and has been rewarded by being Dave Lee Travis' replacement on this year's Christmas Day edition. That would have ruffled some, I was going to say feathers, but more like facial pubic

hair. Travis must have been well fucking dis-chuffed about that. And it throws Noel off as well, I feel. He's lost an equally shit funny man and he's inherited someone who's a bit cooler than him. Well, a lot cooler than him. Even in that outfit.

Yeah, well, Kid Jensen is very much the straight man, though, isn't he? He is a born straight man. Very much so. To a certain't he he is a born straight man very much so but it's up to a certain extent it's a sensible choice getting these exciting young men together on christmas day and and having having the kind of old fart knackers around on boxing day when everyone's genuinely sat around and just flatulent but um yeah it's it's a sensible choice that only partly works. Yeah, Travis would end up hosting the Boxing Day episode with

Tony Blackburn, which means that Jingle Nonce OBE has been knocked out of the rotation, which is good. Probably due to that moment on the Boxing Day Top of the Pops last year where he overreacted a bit to Legs & Co. We've all been there.

God, it's terrifying, that is. Saville's got to console himself with presenting a show on Radio 1, which is on right now, which Radio 1 has chosen to call Santa Saville. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he'll be presenting A Christmas Gym Will Fix It on Boxing Day. So, yeah, he's still around. Of course he is.

I wonder sometimes about Edmund, right, watching this. I mean, the countless times he's turned up since we've been doing this podcast, I'm now appallingly familiar with every aspect of his style, right, such as it is. And that haphazard verbal pinball that he tries to pass off as wit um and a part of me thinks there must be something there right because i've always believed that hard work gets you so far and no further right and to make that jump from a kind of you know radio six level of success which any old fool can achieve you know to triple a superstardom within the world of light entertainment there has to be something else even

if it's not always visible to people like us you know in the same way there is a reason why elton john did better than eric carman you know. Like it or not, there's surely some quality in some sense of the word that Noel Edmonds possessed beyond the psychopathic unflappability required to host live television

and a willingness or eagerness to work Saturday mornings and Christmas day. I mean, for the universe to hold together an existence to make any sense at all, there has to be a secret ingredient. But I don't know what it is. I can't see it, possibly because I don't possess it myself or respond to it.

And possibly, just possibly, worth considering, because there's something wrong with me. just possibly worth considering because there's something wrong with me. And that's why Noel Edmonds lives in a 4,000-room mansion with a helipad in every room. And I'm still on the game. I mean, the thing is with Noel, I think I said in the past that Noel, to me as a kid, was harmless at this stage because as a child child he seemed to have

kind of at this point none of the the sort of vaunting ambition that would later characterize his rise to the center of british life if you like um you know on saturday evenings as well as saturday mornings but but really watching this episode the signs are all there um really he he is ambitious massively ambitious and he's one of those presenters who like i would actually although they're dissimilar in certain ways stylistically i would actually compare him to tony blackburn in that he relies on the kind of natural feel but this is a massively unnatural person his natural feel is entirely false it's a construct yeah it's odd he's like a politician it's kind of it's a put together ease it's it's a carefully painstakingly assembled

natural ease with the camera but i think even at this early stage when he was merely a dj and tv presenter i think he already had ideas um above his station if you like um that he would be a big big part of the kind of national public broadcasters life of all of us um in contrast of course kid jensen kid jensen is there because he's proved himself he's clearly easy to work with right and he's smart enough i think to know his way around the egos involved with being on Top of the Pops. Including, I think, at this stage, even though he's doing a good way of hiding it, Noel. Because clearly there's a massive ego with Noel, but kids found a way around it. And I think that's why he's there.

I mean, that said, though initially seeing them on Christmas Day would have been quite pleased, I think I might have been disappointed with them two put together, to be honest. I would have missed the bonhomie of Dave Lee Travis. But you know, I was fucking five. What did I know? Because Kid Jensen, you know, he was a Canadian cat amongst several British

pigeons at a radio one at this time. He's got the accent they're all trying to pretend they have. Yeah. See, the thing about David Kid a radio one at this time. He's got the accent they're all trying to pretend they have. Yeah. See, the thing about David Kidd Jensen, last time he showed up, I was quite pleased with myself because I was able to think of something to say about him. I'd argue it's asking a lot to expect anyone to manage that twice.

But just to... Basically, he is the consummate Danishish canadian uh which is what he is right it's pacific sensible low temperature um semi-skim milk in the shape of a man i mean if you can say if there's nothing else you can say about david kid jensen you you can at least say he is mild um yeah he is the the art garfunkel of the rhythm pals and uh you know something or other covered in custard and dairy lee spread thick on polystyrene and the thing is within his melia being non-toxic puts him near the top of the tree as far as i'm concerned oh definitely yeah yeah yeah if you if you came across kid jensen buried up to his neck in in sand would

you pretend you thought his head was a football no you wouldn't and if you saw somebody else doing it you'd be genuinely horrified like you know like a human being. Oh, my God. And for Radio 1 employees, that's praise indeed. Yeah, if it was Travis, you'd just take a fucking ticket and wait your turn, wouldn't you? But he is. He is possibly the best presenter of Top of the Pops. He's certainly a chart music favourite because you saw Kid Jensen present in Top of the Pops.

You go, yeah, yeah, he deserves to be here. But he's not a rampaging ego who's a bit upset that there might be some people at home who are more interested in looking at some pop stars as opposed to him. Yeah. He fits in. Yeah, and he's genuinely smooth as well. Like, he's genuinely slick. It's not like Noel, where, as Neil was saying, that slickness is, it's like a skin that he unzips when he gets home, it's not like no where as neil was saying that slickness is it's

like a skin that he unzips when he gets home you know like that humanity it's like kid gents just turns up and okay this is what i've got to say he just says it one take sounds completely natural and yeah thank you very much david let's move on to the next thing you know you've got to admire it you know because you can't it's i'm absolutely agree with you look at no and all you see here is just like cogs turning behind his eyes you know like he's just you know planning it the one thing you can't uh see at this point in his life is his later descent into crank occultism. Yeah, that hasn't started yet. Although, as someone I know once said, the early warning here,

the sinister thing about the young Noel Edmonds is that when you look at him, his head does contain both the pyramid and the eye. Both of them kind of, like, turned out, shall we say. Edmonds is still in his Hempworth suit. I mean, fuck knows what kid's thinking wearing that. Yeah, he looks like he's on his way to the prom that Carrie... Yes.

Yeah, or he's got a gig with the Stylistics afterwards. Yeah, it doesn't suit him at all, man. Yeah, I mean, it is Christmas. You do want him a little bit dressed up. Yeah. But yeah, he don't suit him at all, man. Yeah, I mean, it is Christmas. You do want him a little bit dressed up. Yeah. But, yeah, he don't look right. At least neither of them are wearing the Santa outfit with the swastika. Shouting, Jesus is dead, so what?

Is that boxing, Dave? Yes. Hello, hello, hello. And a very, very Merry Christmas to you all Welcome to the Christmas edition of Top of the Pops We hope that you got the prezzies you wanted And the pudding isn't lying too heavy Because a bit of dancing to do today, I reckon

We certainly have And being a festive occasion A lot of your favourite number ones and twos of 1977 Like this from Shawati Wadi Number two in August with You Got What It Takes. Edmonds begins by telling us that he hopes we got what we wanted off Santa and then drops some bollocks about Christmas puddings and Kid introduces the first act of the night.

Show waddy waddy with you got what it takes. We've covered the wads many a time in Often Chart Music and this, their 11th single, was the follow-up to When, which got to number three in April of this year. This single, a cover of the 1959 song co-written with Barry Gordy, which Johnny Kidd took to number 25 in February of 1960, and Marv Johnson took to number seven a month later, went all the way to number two in August of this year,

held off number one by Angelo by the Brotherhood of Man. But no matter, here they are in the studio in their multicoloured TED-trapes. Oh, Shawoddy Woddy, welcome back to Chart Music. It's been too long. Yeah, it's sort of the worst possible start to this episode because I don't know if it's possible never mind desirable to discuss shawadi wadi in much more depth than we've done already so maybe we ought to just celebrate being reduced to to grumbling over the lack of tonal range in their multi-colored stage suits here

yeah you gotta say we've got two ever so slightly different shades of lime green which i suspect starting off as the same shade but one of them either got left in front of a window or had to be washed a lot more often than the other one i'd i'd speculate but yeah it's the season of goodwill um and there's one electric blue one old gold which is unpleasantly wolverhampton wonderers and then four mutually unsympathetic shades from the same end of the spectrum and the same end of the roll yeah as well yeah magenta fuchsia hot pink and vermilion. And frankly, it's a bloody mess. And it makes them look less like a coordinated pop group than the luminous squiggles that appear in the retina

half an hour before a migraine sets in. I mean, from this distance, they do look like a load of dads pretending to be in the Power Rangers. Why so shambolic? multi-colored stuff you know i was waiting for this to come along because i did start thinking you know who got to bagsy which color and yeah yeah is there a hidden meaning to it and then i i sat back and i started wondering about, you know, other uses of specific hues round about the late 70s. And I started to think, are they sending out a message to the pop-crazed youngsters and the families watching at home? So, after a bit of research, here's a cross-reference

between Show Waddy Waddy's stage outfits and the gay hanky coat. Dave Bartram in purple piercing queen right trevor oaks pink dildo freak rod d's light green buys tricks meals oh yeah russ field green daddy buddy gask red fisting al james light blue cock and ball torture malcolm ala red lavender armpit licking. Right. And Romeo Challenger, orange, anything. Of course. Any time. Of course. My mum would have been devastated, mate.

Oh, dear. Imagine explaining that to your nan on Christmas Day. What? The various things that the members of Show Waddy Waddy may be into. the various things that the members of show waddy waddy may be into this is not casting speculation on the sexuality of any member of show waddy waddy uh i just needed to find something to talk about show waddy waddy because we've done them so many times and uh you know i have a cameraman friend who works for a tv station who um you know about 15 years ago was uh sent out to interview show what he wanted and he had to wait a quarter of an hour before he could start filming because they were taking

turns to watch a video of one of the band uh shagging his missus on on a camera phone oh my god yeah fucking leicester people man yeah that That beat's having a polish. Yes, it does, yeah. I mean, the thing is, you know what Taylor was saying earlier about this? It's a weird episode of Top of the Pops, this. And this WOD performance, I mean, it starts off, it's kind of just another WODy WODy performance. And it's another thoroughly competent, likeably fun performance. But it's to a strangely haunted studio.

And then you start noticing, there's an odd moment, isn't there, where one of the singers, he's seen pouring champagne from a height into a kind of pewter wine glass. A tiny one. Yeah, which is odd in itself. As the guitarist is seated and chuckles behind him.

You know, it's cut in to make it look like it's part of the performance. And without the ability to rewind in 1977, I would have been fooled. But as the performance goes on, you twig that they're cutting in other splices of previous shawody-wody appearances. So when Bartram's heard singing

but seen blowing a sort of party kazoo thing, and there's that kind of weird disturbing last supper scenario they keep calling it. singing but seen blowing a sort of party kazoo thing and there's that kind of weird disturbing last supper scenario they keep calling it last supper of show body water perhaps yeah that was perhaps filmed for this episode i mean the odd thing the coolest guy there is challenger who only gets like two seconds of stream screen time yeah but he manages to squeeze in the kind of um stick spinning coolness that would have had me open-mouthed in wonder. And my mum would have been smiling at that bit too.

I mean, with regards to the rest of them, I mean, I would have felt... Anything, any time, Neil. Well, what was Bartram again, according to that colour code? Bartram was into... Piercing Queen. See? I made a mental note. At one point,

we get a shot of him and he's doing some very suggestive gyrations and thrusting actions in some very tight satin trousers. Yes. Practically forcing the family to contemplate the contours

of his genitals. Yeah. But I couldn't... I looked. I looked because that's how far I'll go for chart music couldn't see any piercings

so maybe maybe he just wasn't wearing it that day but I mean on that on this appearance aged five

I would have felt kind of confusing feelings of attraction and terror re Bartram because he's such a handsome dad isn't he

but he's got such a terrifying big mouth that mouth is too big yes but crucially with bartram he possesses that most amazing characteristic um that a little kid would notice and that's that he looks like he should be american that's an american face and that's an american voice so when i imagined him speaking at that it looks like a bit like a battered chocho yeah yeah absolutely well you know at that, if I'd have imagined him speaking,

I would have imagined him sounding American. And I think that's a massive part of the success of Shibwadi Wadi. If they just had another identikit, big-eared, pinch-faced Leicester person as their frontman, they wouldn't have reached the heights that they did. But his Americanness of voice and visage, if you like, made them, I think, the top of the 50s retro acts, if you like, in the 70s. They had the most hits.

I mean, definitely by 1977, Show Waddy Waddy would have been... If you'd have forced me, I would have said that Show Waddy Waddy was my favourite band. We all loved them at school, but this song is not their best, is it? No, it's not. And a horrible sentiment as well. He's basically saying, look, you're a pig,

but, you know, you're still worth a bang. Yeah. It's one of those backhanded compliment songs, isn't it? Yeah. He's nagging, isn't he? Big style. You're ugly as fuck, and you're skint as well. Your clothes are shit, and you probably smell.

But, baby, you're acceptable to me. I mean, I've thought that about people, but I wouldn't have said it. You know what I mean? No, let alone sung it. Yeah. But I mean, in most versions of this song, there's a kind of, not quite self-mocking,

but a kind of raised eyebrow acknowledgement of what's actually being said. But, you know, like Marv Johnson did this song as a kind of rumbling ocarina rave-up. It's like Northern Soul before Northern Soul, or before the music that Northern Soul was taken after. And it's got this really simple and sort of loose but precise feel to it.

And before that, Bobby Parker, who actually wrote it, did it as... There's Bobby Parker, who's Watch Your Step, is The Beatles' I feel fine before the fact but right more guts and less tune he did it as a kind of drawled woozy nightclub conversation with a yeah sort of with a fantastically horrible guitar solo and then he got cheated out of the publishing of course um but shawadi wadi do it do it like a, like a vacuum packed Scotch egg used by date. No 75.

It's the usual sort of processed filth, but it doesn't stink until you open it up. At which point it really is quite unpleasant. And I mean, Dave Bartram, never the subtlest interpreter of other people's songs doesn't give it any of that sort of you know doesn't give that wink to the audience he just rolls straight through it like like he's in a shopping trolley roll you know

being pushed down the aisle at morrison's arms outstretched you know wiggling his little hips it's so frequently the thing. I mean, like, in any late 70s episode of Top of the Pops, you're going to see a lot of looking back. You're going to see a lot of people wishing they were in a different age. I mean, in this episode, we're going to see people wishing they were back in the 20s, you know, later on. But it's odd.

I mean, the way Taylor talks about those old versions of the song. I mean, I was listening. I could not stop listening the other day to the version of Blue Moon by Elvis because it's such a fucking strange record vocally and the way it's arranged and the production. And the halcyon thing that so much 70s pop is reaching for from the 50s is, yeah, it's kind of the innocence of those times. But to do that, they have to kind of erase 50s music's oddness

completely so the oddity of 50s music and so much of it is so fucking strange yeah these old 50s songs it gets transformed as ever into this kind of grease like super slick 70s pop but just with 50s chords and structures and of course by now by 77 there's so much of this shit about it starts looking like pop should be convening at Butlins every weekend to relive the golden age of race riots. You know, the only kind of exception to this, I would say, would probably a record that looks back to the 50s, but sounds as odd as a 50s record is probably Rock On by David Essex. But that's a complete one off. The only thing to remotely sound like rock on is probably fucking early Keith Hudson singles or something. So it's weird the way that the 50s is looked back on

to try and get an innocence that clearly politically 77 doesn't have. But what they have to ignore completely is the transcendental oddness of so much original 50s music. Still, it's nice to see them at table. Yes. As poorly mannered as you'd expect. I mean, for anyone who's not seen this yet, it's like, yeah, there's like a long table set up,

like a banqueting table that they're all set up, and supposedly having a Christmas feast set up in front of the miniature stage that they've been performing on and covered with silver material. I think possibly to convey the sense of space age excitement we associate with the music of Shawody Woody. But also more likely to hide the fact that it's not actually a table.

It's a bit of the stage, a bit of the same platform they've been using as a stage. And it's probably got metal struts underneath it rather than legs. But it's groaning under the weight of all this Christmas fare, except that it's my strong suspicion that that's not real food. It's just a load of cardboard tat in bowls, because I paused this and squinted. Of course you did.

You can't see any recognisable food. The only thing I think that's real is the booze that they're knocking back. Of course you did. You can't see any recognisable food. The only thing I think that's real is the booze that they're knocking back. Of course. I couldn't help but feel cheated. Because, you know, if you can't trust your waddy waddy, who can you trust? Exactly, yeah. So, the Wads

closed out 1977 with Dancing Party, a cover of the 1962 Chubby Checker single, which got to number four for two weeks in November and December. And it's a much better song. If that had come on, then it would have been a party. You Got What It Takes was also the last song Radio Luxembourg listeners got to hear

on the night of August the 16th, 1977, before being told that Elvis had died. Oh, this was the solemn music that Russian radio stations would play before the death of Stalin. Neil. Yes. Would you eat a beef burger made by show Waddy Waddy? You know what?

Let's find out, because in a blue jeans annual of the late 70s that I came across the other day, I came across a section called Star Snacks where pop stars gave recipes out. One example that I'm not going to go into is Smokey Beano's, which was essentially beans on toast for the drummer of Smokey. But this one really caught the eye, and I thought I'd run it past you. Show Waddy

Waddy love getting together to tuck into big steaks, but if they're recording, they may only have time to tuck into a beef burger. So it's got to be good. Ingredients. One tablespoon of oil.

One large onion. One and a half pounds lean mince. One raw egg. Spanish stuffed olives. A tablespoon of tomato chutney. Four soft rolls. Step one. Mix mince with egg and season.

Form into four beef burgers and fry in oil together with onion rings. Step two. Chop eight olives and mix into chutney. Spread on halved baps and place beef burgers and onion rings inside step three you kiss and hold it tightly no no no you don't hold baps together with a cocktail stick threaded with olives serve hot um well um sir your opinion i i the thing is with burger recipes like this i don't want to know it's got egg in it, man, to bind it. I don't like egg.

And olives get fucked. I mean, I would not eat these. Maybe I'd eat them if Romeo cooked them and served them to me, but I wouldn't if Dave Bartram did because I just don't really trust where his hands have been. And, yeah, it's not an anti-lester thing it's just that in terms of celebrity recipes this year i would much rather eat starsky's chocolate pancakes from the starsky and hutch annual of 1977 than i would eat this ole burger the idea of show what he

wanted just around an oven showing each other homemade pornography. Yeah, I hope it's an electric oven, because those suits look awfully like they should be kept away from a naked flame. Maybe they could have done it at Noel Edmonds' Gas Disco. What it takes me you got what it takes me You got what it takes to me What do you want to you of course anything's underway Now, it's been a great year for Denise Williams. She had a number one in May with Free. I just start to believe Believe Believe

Edmunds, on his own, on a set that looks like he's trapped inside an enormous Christmas present that hasn't been opened yet, tells us that it's been a great year for the next artist, Denise Williams with Free. We've covered Denise Williams in chart music number 23 and here she is with a single that introduced her to the charts when it was released over here in March of 1976 and took 14 months to claw its way up the charts and finally deposed Knowing Me, Knowing You by abba off the top in may of this year and here she is in an empty studio facing off once again against her old nemesis the top

of the pops orchestra oh it's going to be a long day for them lads yeah there's going to be a lot of pubs in shepherd's bush where the staff are just standing around going, where the fuck is everyone? I mean, the thing is, though, the original of this, it's obviously such a brilliant record. The full length version. Oh, it's a fucking mince. The intro. I mean, all those whooshes and glimmers. It's like fucking, it's like Sun Ra or something.

And there's a kind of heavy, heavy debt, I think, to Rotary Connections' Black Gold of the Sun as well. There's a bit of that in there as well. Of course. This version, though, I mean, to me, it has its own pleasures. I think the BBC Orchestra actually do a fucking good job here. I love... Yes, they do. I love the snappy kind of harsh snare sound.

It makes it more breakbeaty. And I think she's singing live and yes she is so the slight sort of thinness of her vocal tone live in contrast to the record it makes her push it a bit and and it gets sharp in a in a really pleasurable way and and although force i kind of like her mini rippertonisms at the end as well yes um i, there's no real pushiness to this performance because there doesn't need to be. Williams clearly knows that this song, a song like this exists on a kind of plateau of perfectness

that the listener just gets sucked up into like it's the rapture. It's one of those records. So she doesn't need to do much. But in contrast to many bbc orchestra performances i've seen i don't think it diminishes it i think it actually i'm not saying it improves it but it's a fucking good it's a good version yeah it is yes yeah well instead of being a production and you know like a a sculpture like the record is it's just her singing the song and the musicians playing

the notes yeah uh there's nothing wrong with that, especially as this time the Top of the Pops Orchestra are clearly straining not to disgrace themselves. Yes. Mostly succeeding. I mean, it's true. The drums are the thing that really stands out about this, partly because of the studio mix, which, first of all,

I mean, that loose a loosely tuned drum kit um and it so it sounds a bit weird and it's mixed louder than the tunguska event probably it's probably got about three party sevens yeah yeah just to damp it down a bit just keep them going but it's but it works because it's i mean, I think we've still got that giant cartoon dog on drums. He always drums with the top of his head, just wailing away with his ears flapping around. But he's very restrained here, partly to replicate the very dry and flat and steady drums

on the original recording. But also, I think, because everything he's playing is so loud, he wants to be careful. And he's a very long way from funky but he just makes like a metronome and doesn't make a nuisance of himself and the way that you can tell that that that they're playing much better on this than they were when we saw her before is that if you remember last time she didn't do her soprano acrobatics at the end of the song yeah yeah like she didn't trust the musicians right it was like she was the the top part of a human pyramid and was reluctant to jump onto the outstretched arms of uh wilfred bramble and charles haldry you know this time she does it and she just lets go and and

and and trusts the band enough yeah to to keep her keep her in the air um yeah although you know let's face facts this still sounds like a tool shed liver transplant compared to the that spectral glide of the record which doesn't even sound like humans playing musical instruments in a room on earth. You know, it's just, it's just like sunny morning in Asgard, you know,

but if you ask a bunch of clock punchers in gray slacks to replicate that live in a concrete building in white city for 60p uh this is probably the best you can hope for yeah yes and there's trust that there is trust there because i mean remember the other appearance that we we talked about in the other episode of chart music what they don't give her is that massive peel of feedback at the beginning of the song that makes her grim that helps doesn't it she was she was visibly startled and thrown off. Yeah, yeah. The general public of Britain, well, the single-buying

people of Britain, they absolutely love black singers with really high pitch voices round about this time. Denise is the middle point between Minnie Riperton and Janet Kaye, isn't she? Bless her. Fucking mint tune. Yeah tune yeah so three would linger

at number one for two weeks before giving way to I don't want to talk about it by Rod Stewart and the follow-up that's what friends are for would get to number eight for two weeks in August of this year she finished the year by getting baby baby my Love's All For You to number 24 in November and then returned to the top end of the chart in 1978 with someone we're going to come across later in this episode. You heard of Great Big Owl? Yes, they make this podcast. Yeah, but not just this podcast. You're shitting me. Name some others.

Well, there's Trolled. We had Luciana Berger and Gary Lineker coming on. Oh, yeah, and there's Crime Club. Did you get down for that? Yeah. There's The Fear. It's a kids show. They really, really scared me. There's Always There. Thanks very much because I would

never have gone down Howard's way had you not asked me. There's Friends with Friends. Stubbing a funnel in Joey's mouth and Rachel pours fat down. And there's Ask the Ninkampoops. Kids ask us the questions they want answered. That's for kids we shouldn't have sworn earlier.

Bollocks. Quick, play the sting. Great Big Owl. 1977 certainly saw a lot of new names in our charts, none more than outrageous than this from the Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band. Kid, in front of a drum kit, tells us that 1977 was the year of change in pop, with new bands rising up and upsetting the order and ensuring that nothing would ever be the same again then he introduces the floral dance by the brig house

and rastric brass band formed in 1881 as the brig house and rastric temperance band in the west ridings of yorkshire and then dropping the Temperance bit in the 1920s, the Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band were one of the prime exponents of the brass wave movement of the 20th century. But it wasn't until 1966 that they landed their first record deal with Pi and put out the EP Christians Awake, which failed to chart. By the mid-70s, inspired no doubt by stiff records and the burgeoning do-it-yourself ethic, they began to record self-financed LPs for sale at their gigs. And in 1976, they decided to put out one of those newfangled singles.

And after considering a cover of Mood Indigoigo they plumped for this a song written in 1911 by katie moss about the annual furry dance held every year in helston in cornwall after signing to transatlantic records the single was picked up on by local radio stations and then by radio 2's breakfast d, Terry Wogan, who would occasionally sing over it. This put them into the top 40 in mid-November of this year. It's currently the number two single in the nation where it's been for three weeks on the bounce and here they are, all togged out, blowing a lot. Oh man, I would have been well pleased to have seen this. Really?

Oh, massively. Come on, you all know it. Everyone join in. No, I mean, the thing is, the thing is we've previously discussed on Shark Music of being of an age before taste, you know, when you just respond

to melody and rhythm. It's really important in this year. And actually, a bit of music that doesn't have words and sounds a bit flumps- doesn't have words and and sounds a bit flumpsish or flumps-esque definitely flumpish um you know that would be right up my street i mean i you know if five-year-olds were allowed to drive in 1977 this would be the tune i'd be cranking up and singing out the window. I bloody loved it. And

you know, I'm not saying I do now necessarily. Leaning out of your fucking steam engine. I would. I mean, I'm not saying I love it now necessarily. It now does taste a bit gripe watery. But why not a break from all that

pop blather? Everyone loves a brass band. And I just remember massively loving this in 77 as a five-year-old. I remember it being on the B-side of a chart comp whose name escapes me and just repeatedly playing this. So though I'm sure as an adult pop critic I could pull it apart, I choose instead to remember that idyll of pleasure that I used to get from the floral dance. I got more pleasure, of course, when Terry did it,

Terry Wogan did it the following year with his lyrics. But no, I'm sorry, you're not going to get a bad word out of me about the floral dance. I bloody love it. I'll step in then. Yes, of course. Fight, fight, fight, fight. The thing is, these are Sarah B's homies yes right because she hails from brig

house in west yorkshire so what the specials are to neil and robert plant is to me and the 1979 80 nottingham forest squad is to you these are to sarah they're local heroes representing um or at least half of them are because i asked her about this and apparently rival towns rival schools you know they do things differently in rustrick they're not our people uh so this is a heartwarming scene um hands across the water um you know they made their love on wasteland. This is essentially the West Riding's version of self-destruction. Or we're all in the same gang. But it's a disgusting sound.

Unless you really like grey- ribbed socks and cold houses and things with Thoroughherding, which some people do, but it's fish paste on white bread and wet railings around the crematorium. And it's like a big granite-faced dimwit authority figure shaking his head no. And why not? Just because, right? Just because this is what we have instead of music. And basically, Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club band

with all the good bits taken out. And of course, they're not actually very good, which is fine because they're amateurs. They weren't a professional band. But it makes it a little bit more painful to listen to. It's got that queasy, out-of-tune halo that you get on some of the lines, like a school orchestra, because there's a lot of them. They can all play, but they're incapable of all playing the right note

at the same time, every time. Now, that's kind of a feature of brass band music generally, in the same way that the tang of piss is a feature of the taste of kidney. But I don't consume either of these things. And I don't like the sense of oppressive, austere, bony-legged sourness. You know, bony-legged, long-john-wearing sourness in the sound and in the world that it suggests. I mean, you look at them.

There are some thin, mean-spirited lips on those mouthpieces. There's some mean, beady eyes peering over those little valve pumping fingers. And it just feels like they're musical sentinels guarding this damp, empty England against any possible influx of flavour or fulfilment. You know, God save the fucking Queen and bring back the Catherine Will. It just puts me on edge. What about the natural exuberance

of band leader Derek Beaumont? Doesn't that cheer you up somewhat? It cheers the band up, clearly. They look happy. I mean, to me, Taylor, it's almost like you're saying you didn't like, I don't know, Scottish country dancing lessons or Lord of the Dance said he.

Or Go With Notes. Yeah, let me think back. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, because to me as a nine-year-old, this would be something you had to dance at at school in the assembly hall in your vest and pants. I'll tell you what I sort of don't like about brass band music as well. It's all in like E flat or B flat

or some weird devil's key like that. Some black key freakishness. It's that key for horn players, Taylor. E flat, B flat, you know. Yeah, but it makes everything sound straight-backed and perky and unnatural, you know. It does feel very familiar because I seem to remember TV,

and specifically the BBC, and specifically BBC Two, having a strange fetish for the big brass band when I was a kid. Yeah. Perhaps because they thought the fact there's so many people in it, in uniforms, makes it telegenic.

You know, despite those people being to a man, you know, bewiskered old perverts from fucking Yorkshire. With greying string vests underneath the livery, you know. I'll give you that. They don't look great. A lot of them look like Bill Wurbenick. Yes. I'll give you that, they don't look great a lot of them look like Bill Wurbenick you'd see it a lot

in the 80s on BBC 2 if it wasn't a whimsical folk singer performing at an arts centre in Warrington it was this shit blaring at you like a cold morning making the evening

feel a bit less exciting and I just have this really clear memory of the studio at you like a cold morning you know making the evening feel a bit less exciting and yeah i just have this really clear memory of the studio lights hitting off the horn yeah trombone or a cornet and flaring wildly like a like an indoor sun which gives no warmth or power and also noticing how badly fingerprints show up on brass under that kind of lighting yes very unintelligent in fact there's just no way to look smart yeah or non-grubby or like you don't smell of stewed tea and yesterday's sweat i mean i mean what we do get of course is the audience or an audience and they don't help to be honest with you

um with their flag waving and their shit dancing it's well it's not even flags is it it's it's just tassels on a stick and they get one each yeah and it's just like oh fucking hell not not again we've had a whole year of people waving things about for the queen and here we are again confronted with it on christmas day and i did notice that this one girl um the tassels have come off one of her sticks but she's still gamely waving a stick about but carry on man we make do if only they were short and somebody had been handed that cat on a stick that was on the halloween yes yeah and you know michael hill's watching this and sucking a fork in the tooth.

Thinking, yeah, five years time, this is what every top of the Pops is going to look like. But the big question about those kids is who are they? Because there's no audience on the rest of this, but this has been filmed without an audience. Well, we see an audience later on.

Yeah, but they're frugging to a certain ballad singer stroke actor and i think that's been bust in from yeah atop of the pops through the year you're probably right you don't see an audience at any other point except suddenly this gang of kids appears from nowhere or somewhere and you know they're waggling pom-poms and looking provincial and I can't work out who or what they are I'm certain they've not been bussed in from Bregg House and or Rastwick

oh well no not both of them man they've been stabbing each other there'd be a fucking massive fight going on but the BBC surely haven't brought them in just to do this what a day out you don't know my BBC in the 70s they had a budget but they just that just that their presence their mysterious presence does

imagine if there was a call out there oh come on we need people for top of the pops and just all these kids legging it to the fucking studio hoping they're gonna see the sex pistols or david essex yeah and they get these fuckers I'd have been happy as a pig in shit. This is a tune. But their mysterious unexplained presence does add a degree of intrigue to this clip

which probably wouldn't be there otherwise. So, you know, I had a lovely time, whoever they were. And once again, this is non-art time, isn't it? Yeah. I can this is non-art time, isn't it? Yeah. Imagine me non-art there with a fag on, just tapping a foot and going,

oh, this is that song about the dance. And what's it called again? Terry Wogan sings it. He's ever so funny. Do you like him? And I'd be just there going, oh, fuck. Because I was nine, so this stuff was beneath me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Imagine what it must be like, people sitting at home in Cornwall watching this, fucking beneath me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine what it must be like, people sitting at home in Cornwall watching this, fucking fuming. Yeah. One of their songs has been nicked by these metropolitan bastards. Bunch of northern monkeys. Yeah.

Yeah, they should be doing their own songs. Yeah. We're going to do an Ilkley Moore bar tap. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. The one good thing you can say is that the drummer is good right he really is he's really exuberant and enthusiastic and towards the end he does this

massive rolling drum fill which is it's mixed quite low but it's the musical highlight of this by quite some distance well because because it sounds like a a big roll of thunder preparing to drive these bastards out of the park off the bandstand but the drums is what makes brass bands are good to listen to i-5 whenever i've seen a brass band live i've enjoyed the drumming massively i mean the thing is you say nanobate al a recurrent motif that we're going to get into later is there's an awful lot of records out in 77 that appeal to people who don't buy records who would never ordinarily buy a record that's right and it's the prime example yeah and this is a really good example of it it's true i reckon this was played on an awful lot of record players that had a setting of 16. Yes! Yes. But,

what you can say, the floral clock was ticking for these cunts because the Wogan machine was just warming up. Oh, yes. About to plough right over their memory and erect a statue of old tell where they once stood.

So now their rancid glory reflects only on him. And historically it's like they're the majors to his Morris Minor. That was a brutal display of burrowing and egg-laying from the

limerick-born enigma. Terry Van Day. Anything else to say about this? It's a tune. So the floral dance would stay at number two for six weeks, unable to break the grip of the Christmas number one. The follow-up, a cover of Barwick Green, better known as the theme tune to The Archers,

failed to chart. And after their cover of the theme from Shaft flopped, they actually did that. They actually did that. And I bet it ruled, man. Who's that private dick who's sex machine to all chicks? He's complicated, man. They were dropped by their new label logo records and were never seen in the charts again

but two weeks only two weeks after this episode went out terry wogan's version recorded with the handwell band of west london entered the chart and got to number 21 at the end of january of 1978 got nowhere near the top of the charts like they did now isn't that weird oh pop you're such an evil bastard aren't you that's not how it's remembered kit time. I want to see if you can identify a certain somebody I'm thinking about who had a hit in July of 77. Three names. Carol Bear Sager.

No. Andy Fair with a low? No. Value-added tax? OK, I'll give you a clue. Think of Emerson. Emerson. Fiddy Pauldy a clue. Think of Emerson. Emerson. Fittipaldi.

Had to be, of course. Emerson, Lake and Palmer. KID AND EDMUND Kid and Edmunds have a go at some triple-barrelled name banter, which involves Carol Bayer's Sega, Andy Fairweather low, and value-added tags. Oh, no. Edmunds even drops an Emerson Fittipaldi joke as well, while Kid exasperatedly introduces Fanfare for the Common Man by Emerson, Lake and Palmer. Formed in Croydon

in 1970 by one member each of the Nice, Atomic Rooster and King Crimson, Emerson, Lake and Palmer were that prog band who hung about the upper reaches of the LP charts throughout the early 70s, who began an extended break in 1974 and fucked off away from each other for two years. In 1976, they regrouped to record their fifth LP, Works Volume 1, a double LP consisting of three solo sides and one group one. This track is from The Group Side, a cover of the 1942 tune written by Aaron Copland, which was used at the beginning of American orchestral concerts during World War II. It's the follow-up to Jerusalem, their only other single released in the UK, which failed to chart when it was put out in 1973,

and it spent one week at number two in July of 1977 held off the top spot by So You Win Again by Hot Chocolate. We usually get the video of them playing it in the snow in Montreal's Olympic Stadium during the warm-up for their calamitous 1977 World Tour which will drag on into March of next year and as they're not in the country at the moment due to them cancelling the gigs they were supposed to be playing this week at Hammersmith Odeon and the Olympia, and we're all sick of the video, here come Legs and Co for the

first part of today's double shift. Oh, it's dad time! Yeah, but I mean... Are they on a panto tip or something? It looks like it, doesn't it? Well, actually, no. They're just on a fuck-awful tip here.

It's a dreadful dance routine. The opening's very slap-a-my-thigh, so it's got that panto feel. But when the music gets going... Yeah. I mean, for starters, bloody hell, how dated does this music sound? It sounds pretty awful.

I was actually angered to learn that they had to seek permission from Aaron Copland to do this. And that Aaron Copland not only granted permission, but quite liked the results. You know, this music, Fanfare for the Common Man, has been used a lot and is being used a lot in the 70s for various TV shows, for various

tours. I think the Suite used it, Stones used it before coming on stage. Who uses the Emerson, Lake and Palmer version? Aston fucking Villa. That's who uses it now. And this dance routine, I've got to say, and I will always try and stick up for Legs & Co, but this is, I think it's one of their worst ever.

It's just an endless succession of hat work and bowing and frugging with, I've got to say, nary a hint of satisfaction to soothe the aging pervert within and without. It's just it's not very good. You say that, Neil, but I mean, they've essentially come as pantomime principal boys with really white shirts, black neck achieves black tricorn hats thigh high boots and knickers basically yeah well they're wearing those kind of very functional knickers that ladies put on when they're performing in something absurdly short you know like ice skaters yeah it's like okay you're gonna see up my skirt but you're just gonna get a wall of fabric and the dance routine is essentially them waving their hats about a lot in between some christmas

trees and dry outs so dad can see their drawers basically yeah but hills angels would have done it better um and at least with hills angels you get somebody smiling with a blackened out tooth to provide hilarity this is just this is just poor'm sorry, it's one of the poorest Legs & Co routines that I've seen. It just rotates around this bowing and scraping and occasional frugging when the band get going. I'm talking about this to avoid talking about the music because what can you say about Emerson Lake and Palmer, man? But the thing is, those outfits are ridiculous.

But I don't know what would be appropriate to get up to dance to fanfare for the common man. I mean, as they've dressed up as giant, weeping, infected anal wounds, jigging around the Christmas tree and then sucking it in. Or five half-rotten rat carcasses just lying completely still behind a big polystyrene stove. I think Flick Colby was saving that for Grandma's Party by Paul Nicklaus. Can you imagine meeting someone called Flick and not fancying them? It's unthinkable, isn't it? It's almost a command.

Yeah. But what you can say, I mean, I hate it in a way when something like this turns up because when you are more or less in line with a consensus view on something that is basically one-dimensional you worry that all you're going to end up doing is being that boring guy off a BBC Four documentary. Yeah. Wasting everyone's time. Yeah, the one that isn't Al Neely. He's just talking in his kitchen and narrowing the conversation and making everything rote and pointless, you know. But what you can say here,

if for any reason you ever needed to communicate all the various pop cultural facets of the English 1970s to someone who didn't understand the language, this clip would be an excellent visual aid. Although perhaps without any knowledge or understanding of what goes where, it wouldn't explain very much, and it might just look like a cultural malfunction, which is sort of what it is.

But in fact, we get a beautiful contrast between over ambition and under ambition uh which is very of its time and between the absurdly and embarrassingly expansive and the cheerfully shoddy uh and between prog at its stupidest and loftiest and most sexless and pop, or at least pop TV, at its most gloriously debased and leering. On top of which, it's genuinely weird and it's happening in television centre

and it's trying to be sexy in a smiley way that's slightly curdled and which seems very peculiar. So, I mean, it's about as 70s as you can get. You squeeze it together, you get a good sense of the low culture of that particular decade, which is the only way in which this clip is of any value because there is no contrarian consensus-busting take on this record. No.

Like Brain Salad Surgery I can sort of accept because at least it's so overwhelmingly grotesque it has some sort of effect on you. Whereas this is just bad rock and roll clinging to the caboose of classical music and demeaning both in the process. And there's no charm. Even the Doctor doctor who bass line which is quite good is not worth salvaging because you can hear that on one of these days by pink floyd without all these other frills and affectations it's this record is

like it's like somebody standing about two feet away from you talking at you through a megaphone it's all right mate all right flick colby really did miss a trick here because if she was going to be as um as obvious as she had been before uh she would have dressed legs and corpus common men and just really confused the dads made them question their own sexuality but no no i've got nothing more to add i've never liked this song the second instrumental in a row which is uh poor scheduling yeah and uh yeah they can fuck off it's weird though going back to the last time that we did 1977 that episode had yes on it right and it's a good illustration of how slowly reality moves

while it's actually happening compared to the speed of history because nobody thinks of 1977 as the year yes, an ELP finally exploded into the pop charts. But that's how long it took for this music to filter through the halls of residence and onto the radio. So to us, looking back, it seems badly out of time. But it would have been considered current by all but the London hipsters who went on to write the history books.

That's the sort of true chronology of pop, in a sense, as opposed to the chronology of rock history that we're all sort of taught. So you're not going to see any punk here, because Top of the Pops is a pop show. It's not about these minority concerns concerns and previous to these things getting in the charts like yes and elp prog was yeah something that bearded guys who wrote for the music press cared about to a certain extent um you know so this is 77 we're not going to see any punk because most people aren't punks they only had one house in my street, remember? I mean, the fact that the cultural historians of the day

can keep flogging punk, especially if they happen to have been there, doesn't mean we should overestimate its wider impact. It changed the look of things a bit and the style of things precisely when it became more commodified by the industry and the media. But in 77, punk was still a minority concern, much as in 74, prog was still a minority concern because it hadn't 74 prog was still a minority concern, because it hadn't got any charts. Thank God we're not getting the nine minute version of this song.

Fucking too right. Yeah, well, this common man says, thanks for the fanfare, lads. Now stick it back up your arse and die. Nice and quietly. So the follow-up, Sailor V failed to chart, and quietly. So the follow-up Sailor V

failed to chart, and this single remains the only ELP single to enter the UK chart. And after their seventh LP, Love Beach, died on its arse in late 1978, they split up for the first time a year

later. Good! Fanfare for the common man. That's ladies and gentlemen, of course. Now, one of the names for Emerging 77 was Carol Bayer-Sager. Quite a big name, really. She wrote this number. She's not just a talented singer. She's a very good composer.

She wrote When I Need You for Leo Sayer. When I need you I just close my eyes and I'm with you. And all that I so want to give you. It's only a heartbeat away.

Edmunds drops the name of Carol Bayer Sager once again making us think that we're going to get you moving out today we've got to number six for three weeks in june of this year but oh no he swerves us by introducing when i need you by the old sailor we've already covered the old sailor in chart music number 23 and this single the follow-up to you make me feel like dancing, which got a number two in November of 1976, finally put him on the summit of Pop Mountain

when it usurped Don't Cry For Me Argentina in February of this year. As Edmonds points out, it was co-written by Carol Beyer-Sager and Albert Hammond, and it's a cover of the title track of Hammond's LP of 1976. And here he is in the studio under a big spotlight. Under a big spotlight and part of a very dead spot as well. This would not be agitating my nine-year-old self. When I Need You or Famous Blue Raincoat, as it's known, in its better version with good lyrics by Leonard Cohen.

But, I mean, that came years before this, of course. I heard this record when it came out. I only got into Leonard Cohen when I was a teen. So it was really startling to me when that came up because it's counterintuitive that a slick professional songwriter would steal tunes from Leonard Cohen. So there are a lot of true facts aren't there at the time I would have hated this this is precisely what I'd have hated age five it's so

fucking slow man um and age five you like fast or at least jaunty music and with this there's all these soppy words and it's all slow and sad and i would have been confused as well because uh you know although the old sailor i would have known him as a singer he looks i checked he never presented an episode of the bbc program play away but bloody hell he looks like he should have he looks like a kids presenter really does he you know singing a song with brian kant about an emperor called caractacus or something it would have confused me the old sailor at age five because I can see him, you know, in my head in a polo net telling

a story to Hamble on play school or later when he was still having hits in the early 80s. I could have sworn down I saw him asking Chockerblock to show him a picture of a crow or something. But I have to say you know, also there's problems with what he's wearing slightly.

He's wearing an ice hockey top. Buffalo Sabres. Is that what they are? Because I thought it looked a bit ISIS. It looks a bit like, it looks a bit like cross. No, it's ISIS, not ISIS.

Yeah, it's the Buffalo Sabres. He's wearing number 14, which was the number of Rene Robert. I see. Yeah, I thought it was cross-symmetries. That's how number 14, which was the number of Rene Robert. I see. Yeah, I thought it was cross-symmetry. That's how deep we go on chart music. But there is a set to me, this Albert Hammond song, that he's been given a number one bolted-on hit

after a few number twos that he's had before. And it's a big, spacey, slick production for Leo. It kind of erases his persona a little bit. With the old sailor, I mean, I only really like Thundery in my heart. And I have a strange relationship with Orchard Road later on. But this sucks. I mean, at age five, this was just a dreary, dull, when does this finish moment of the show.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and you would have gone, hang on, wasn't he on play board earlier this morning? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, he's got that lily-crack look. I mean, I'm quite glad that this is a ballad because it means we're spared his usual manic theatricality. Yeah.

Which makes me want to scratch all my own skin off. But yeah, Al's just touched on this. theatricality yeah which makes me want to scratch all my own skin off um but yeah the the alice just touched on this the the we we sort of mentioned this last time but it's all it's basically it's the only interesting thought you can have about the old sailor which is that wayne sleet yes christopher lilly crap and him should have put their heads together merged merged curls and formed a kind of chirpy human cerberus yes um in tight pale blue jeans white pumps and a rugby shirt uh could have got tommy boyd in as backup or possibly martin shore if they wanted to add a bit of unconvincing steel but those are really the poster triplets of the tight curls and dancing feet thing.

Yeah. Very small dancing feet, dainty hoofs on bopping six stone smilers. Like the human centipede, but ear to ear instead of mouth to anus. Wasn't that the strangest of socio-cultural sub-threads people like that there's they've gone now but there there were quite a few of them around you know with their pale blue jeans back pockets flat against their ironing board arses you know creeping everyone out like a bit of male jewelry lollipop silhouettes um

i don't know if he'd come along 10 years later maybe davy jones could have got a perm and joined their ranks he's almost he's got the definitely widely spread arms to take up more space and the the feet constantly in motion i mean roger daltrey discovered the old sailor in the early 70s didn't he? Yeah. I always wondered, do you think he was employing him as a mini-me in the early 70s? Get him a little fringe jacket

give him a little microphone to whirl about. Yeah. Among other things, it destroys Roger Daltrey's solo records because for his solo records, he chose to not do the blustering bombastic rock of The Who

anymore. And he does a load of old sailor style ballads. But it's Roger Daltrey. Ill advised, I think. Too much time hanging out with Adam Faith. When I need you, watch your bags. But I mean,

I think perhaps the most deeply annoying thing about the old sailor is that sense always with him that everything bounces off him. That any criticism you'd give him, it'd be like he's kind of like Christaberg in that sense. He would just answer back, oh, you think I'm shit, do you?

Well, it is lucrative shit and I'm perfectly happy. He's got that endless comeback that his records fucking well sell to a huge degree. But my God, this moment, though it was Christmas Top of the Pops, I would have walked out of the room because those kind of dreary, sad songs. Who wants to hear them on Christmas Day? And this episode is slowly but surely, I can just picture my five-year-old face just falling as this episode continues.

Because it's just, it's not the hour of pop excitement that I would have expected. No, it really isn't. It's really not. You actually want the fucking Briggas and Rastrick band back, don't you? Yeah, definitely. I take back everything I said, Neil.

Because the thing is, is that the charts, the top end of the charts in 1977, come to think of it, were absolutely sodden with stuff like this. Because I remember every Sunday, me and my dad would go and see me and our grandpas for the day. And we'd come back about

between half six and quarter to seven, you know, when the charts were on radio one yeah and what i used to do my dad he had a he had a ford cortina and he had an open glove compartment you know no little door on it or anything so what i used to love to do was kind of like lean forward while he was driving and grab the sides of the uh under bit of the of the glove compartment and pretend i was on a motorbike and i was really hoping for really fast music so i could really get into it and pretend i was motorbiking down the queen's highway like a streak of lightning and it would be this a couple of number ones we're going to hear uh later on don't cry for me argentina it's like oh come on give me

something fast yeah totally that's what this song reminds me of yeah the one the one thing that makes the record of this sound a little bit present and alive is that richard perry production which we don't even get it because it's the top of the pop's orchestra again on their best behavior yeah leaning leaning quite heavily on their Fender Rhodes going through an echo unit to sort of replicate that modern AOR sound. But really, it's the Richard Perry sound. His production really defined mainstream 70s adult-oriented pop. And that explains why it sounds more interesting

than its 21st century equivalent. There's a slightly peculiar, unnatural balance of instruments. People used to call these records bland, which they are, but there's something genuinely great about the way he makes them sound radio smooth and a bit unnatural and sonically idiosyncratic. And it makes a funny kind of sense that when you look into he started off uh producing captain beefart and tiny tim yeah uh he's a beautifully

unnatural thing but yeah once you reduce it to just the old sailor singing in front of a bunch of musicians it's like the the paper hat is just sliding down your face. I mean, gradually. But the potential slip-ups that could have happened, because there's a very key stop-start moment in the record, obviously, that hold out, it's culled out, that bit. The BBC Orchestra get it right. And later on, as the song reaches its end,

the old sailor starts flexing his pipe somewhat and becoming less controlled than the record is, in a sense. He starts vocally doing a few gymnastics. But I would have still been waiting out of the room, to be honest with you, with my fingers in my ears, asking my mum and dad when it was finished so I could come back in the room. It's just so dreary.

It's funny, that bit, when he starts scatting. He's just lost controlary. It's funny that bit when he starts scatting. He's just lost control. The music's just swept him. He's like Van Morrison. He's lost control. He's like... So when I Need You stayed at number one for three weeks, eventually being deposed by the next single we're going to hear.

The follow-up, How Much Love, would get to number 10 in May of this year, and he'd close out 1977 with Thunder In My Heart, which got to number 22 in October, but was remixed by Meck, and got to number one in February of 2006. Oh, I need you darling Oh, I want you darling All right then, Pop Craze youngsters. That's enough for one episode.

Me and Taylor and Neil are going to go off and look out the front window at the big lads falling off the skateboards. We'll reconvene tomorrow. Hope you're having a lovely Christmas. Until then, stay pop crazed. Chart music.