Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - Chart Music #49 (Part 1): January 7th 1982 - Yellow Hurll

Episode Date: March 28, 2020

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: would you treat YOUR kids to a day out at Flick Colby's Zoo?We're returning to one of our favourite years for music television discussion, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, but if you think it's another Eighventies splurge, think on; that era is not only officially dead, but its corpse is being gleefully stepped upon by assorted Pineapple dance studio chaff. Peter Powell - when he's not doing the Running Man - takes us through a chart which is coming out of hibernation after the Xmas truce, and what a battered selection box it turns out to be.Musicwise, hmm: Zoo have their coming-out party, which involves a BDSM Cossack Human Centipede. Alton Edwards overdoes it with the Jheri Curl activator and fucks up his expensive jacket. There's an appalling video of Foreigner in 'action'. The pace picks up with Meat Loaf and Cher copping off with each other and the introduction of Romo Ralph Wiggum, but then The Mobiles forget to top themselves up. Shakatak. A bodybuilder with an eyepatch for pants makes an accidental Nazi salute at Peter Powell. Vangelis self-isolates with nine synths. The Number One Single reminds us how good things used to be. The Zoo Wankers desecrating Madness shows us how bad things are going to get.Sarah Bee and Neil Kulkarni join Al Needham for an extensive tear-down of the first week of the Eighties Proper, veering off on such tangents as regional ITV, the humbling of Communism in Sneinton Market, mysterious greasy stains on bus windows, how 50% of Chart Music bonded over the Bummer's Conga in Bristol in 1995, and why hiding cock photos under your housemate's pillow isn't the done thing. Probably even more swearing than usual.Video Playlist |  Subscribe |  Facebook | Twitter |  Look at our Wiki, it's MINTSubscribe to us on iTunes here. Support us on Patreon here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull-Apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. The following podcast is a member of the Great Big Owl family. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language,

which will frequently mean sexual swear words. What do you like to listen to? Um... Chart music. Chart music. Chart music. Chart music. Hey up, you pop-crazy youngsters, And welcome to the latest edition of Chart Music, the podcast that gets its hands right down the back of the sofa on an episode of Top of the Pops

and then washes them while it sings the first 20 seconds of reggae like it used to be. I'm your host, Al Needham, and by my side are Neil Kulkarni. Hello there. And Sarah B. All right, love. Oh, no. Yeah, it's all right. Don't worry about it. my side are Neil Kulkarni and Sarah B alright love oh no

don't worry about it it's just me doing it over enthusiastic A up so the pop things the interesting things that's what I want to hear about well I got an interesting knock on the door since I last spoke to you

yeah this was in sort of just after Christmas the door knocked about on the door um since i last spoke to you um yeah this was in sort of just after christmas um the door knocked about well the doorbell went at about seven o'clock at night um which is strange around my way um so i went and opened the door and who's on my doorstep but horace panter from the special no um yeah he just pitched up and you know i mean i don't want to go on about it but you know he did that painting of that photo of me shaking hands with a milkshake that's outstanding

god bless him he he popped round with that and he gave it me fucking hell as a Christmas present it was surreal for me sitting in my living room

having a cup of tea with yeah the bass player at a band I've loved for years and well all my life and you know

he also gave me a little present for Sophia who as you know is my daughter who's a massive metal head he used to do uh the bass sound teching for Duff McKagan from Guns and Roses and he had a plectrum um that had been casually thrown to him by Duff McKagan back in the day um so I passed this on to Sophia so a very severe surreal trip but he was a lovely lovely fella a gentleman a true gent and filled me full of the Christmas spirit

to a certain extent at just the right time so that was very pop, very interesting extremely interesting and that painting now has pride of place in my house it looks beautiful up where is it? it's downstairs in between two rooms.

It's a beautiful moment where walkers down my hallway can stop, look and admire my gormless expression. And also the lovely thumbs up from the milkshake guy, which I think is key to the joy of that painting, really. Definitely, yeah. That's so beautiful. It was a lovely moment. Oh, I have of that painting, really. Definitely, yeah. That's so beautiful. It was a lovely moment. Oh.

I have nothing that compares to that. Everyone knows not to come and see me anymore. But, yeah, I went to Whitby. Had a little scamper about by the seaside. It's really great. Excellent. The pubs are really good. The beer's good.

The people are really nice. But don't all go. I'm just hoping that, you know, the whole kind of, that the goths will put off most people. My mum and dad, they used to go on the coach trips when the goth thing was going on just to look at the goths. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, mum, just go into fucking town.

And outside the council house, there's fucking loads of them there. No, but it's like, so it's two weekends. So it's biannual Whitby goth weekend, which I didn't realise. We didn't go there, you see, because we're cool. I'm sorry for goths there. They, you know, they started off, you know, trying to

make people think, or at least intimidate them, or something like that. Now, they're just like them punks with the big mohicans in the early 80s. That's what they've been reduced to. I've often thought about getting my lippy and eyeliner on and getting up to Whitby on some sort of pilgrimage. It's been too long.

You might as well actually taste the snake bite in your throat. There's so little evidence of sort of gothery, though, in the town. There's the Dracula experience, which is like a tiny little version of the london dungeon but it's it with all of the it's weird it's got like the the branding is all like from the francis ford coppola movie and it's just a tiny weenie little thing and there's a there's some sort of an arcade machine directly outside it which plays um or when i went past there were some people crowded around it trying to get something i think it's one of those things where you you you you it's not like a

grabber but it's a thing where you have to play it and try to get a thing you know try to get like a little plastic thing and what was it playing it wasn't who let the dogs out it was it was and it wasn't I like to move it but it was something along those

lines and it just the somebody move that. I mean, like, this is such a, you know. Move it, move it. Somebody move it, move it. You like to move it because it just seems inappropriate. It's like, we're trying to have a moment here, you know. The last time I went to Whitby, because I've got a mate who lives up there,

I went into some kind of amusement arcade. Well, it was an amusement arcade. And it was when the dance machines kicked in. But by this point, there was dance machine fatigue, because I just ended up watching these teenage girls with fags on, just leaning against the rail and just touching the pressure points with their toe in the most half-assed manner ever. And it's just like,

yeah, you're kind of missing the point there, aren't you? So nothing to report here from me. I had a blood test for lung cancer, but that was for BBC Inside Out, East Midlands. But that was proper shit up, that was. I bet, mate. Yeah, because, you know, I've been a smoker for 30 years and it was like, oh shit, I know what I've done. you know i've been a smoker for 30 years and it was like

oh shit i know what i've done i know how long i've done it for oh i'm gonna get this answer and it there's a it's a blood test that's been developed in nottingham hence me doing it for bbc east midlands and it basically detects through a blood test uh whether you're gonna get it or not right or whether it's imminent. So it's kind of like stage one that you catch it. Yeah, yeah. And I just thought, well, fuck it. I'm that kind of person who wants to know.

But the day, I had to go to London for the whole day, have the blood test and then do loads of interviews. And I am absolutely fucking drained by the end of it. But the worst part of that day was coming back in a van with a cameraman who had shitty corporate FM on. And I accidentally heard Ed Sheeran for the first time. And that was more mortifying than anything else that happened that day. And it was just like, I mean, I didn't like him anyway.

But then I heard the music and I thought, oh, for fuck's sake. And it was that song where the line says, oh, the bedsheets smell like you. And I just thought, mate, I've seen what you look like. I know what your bedsheets smell of. It ain't anyone else.

Fuck off. My condolences, Al. I mean, you know, well done for making it this far without hearing Ed Sheeran fucking achievement that I self isolate from all this shit

you know the Whamageddon thing yeah piss that out of my arse we're in an age now where we can choose not to listen to shit this is it

that we don't want to you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah we're lucky like that so there is one more pop and interesting thing that is about to happen not to listen to shit that we don't want to. You know what I mean? We're lucky like that. So there is one more pop and interesting thing that is about to happen to me. I have to be part of, now that I've got this new job

in Birmingham, I've agreed to be part of this panel of PR people and journalists and people in bands to answer kids' questions, which is fine, it's fine,

it's happening in Birmingham late May, but I've just had a look recently through the list of who's going to be on this panel people in bands to answer kids questions which is fine it's fine it's happening in birmingham late may but i've just had a look recently through the list of who's going to be on this panel and i noticed this might not mean much to many people but one of them one of the people on the panel maybe sat next to me is the lead singer of ned's atomic dustbin oh my fucking god yeah um now i've told my bosses not to make him aware of who i am um but i'm hoping he forgets that review from so long ago um and you know there won't be any contra-tomps or anything but um yeah keep me head down to a certain extent hopefully it'll all be water under the bridge

and he'll see the funny side of things but um we shall see good lord neil yeah you might have to uh i think i think you should go on the um i think you should go on the offensive they're on the charm offensive yeah and just be like mate look all's fair in love and war and music reviewing and you know it's not personal and uh let's let's have a beer but your band was shit your band was shit and all your fans were cunts I was in a very difficult position, my responsibility

to my employer was paramount yeah I'm going to have to don't worry I've got the gift of the gab I can be charming Simon made me do it sir I'm not retracting a word it was um he was in a shit band with a rubbish album anyway let's not go there that's something no no no anyway anyway what we need to do right about now is drop that knee to the beautiful new pop craze patreon

people who have yanked open the chart music gstring and shoved that money right down to the gusset. And this month, those people are, in the $5 section, Willie Onefoot, Gavin Wright, Mark Hunter, Andreas Kleste, Joe Heron, Neva Marte, Nuisti Altamirano, Stephen Metcalf, PJ Bellchamber, Karen Watson, Mike Chek,

Laureline, and Mal Campbell. Thank you, babies. Thank you. And in the $3 section, we have Gary Parcell, Jonathan Smith, Owen Marriott,

Robin Goad, Ian Boffin, Debbie Smith, Phil Bolton and Mark Hunter. Oh, and Doug Grant, thank you so much for whacking your contribution right up over the odds. Because you can do that, you know. We say so much, you can say, mm-mm-mm, say more chart music aren't they fucking mint and skill them people they are needed more than ever yes when things are going i am going to be absolutely fisted by uh by this coronavirus bollocks we've been skirting around it and we've got to address it fucking hell it has been crazy yeah did you get two trolleys worth of crisps at the weekend? You know what?

Some lovely relatives of mine who were expecting to meet me a couple of months ago at a family do that I couldn't attend, they'd actually bought for me, not a crescent of crisps as such, but a bouquet of crisps, I should say. A selection hamburger. I was going to say a corona of crisps. Nobody needs that at the moment. But a sort of selection hamper of crisps. And they've sent this along to me.

So I'm fine for crisps, mate. Oh, thank God, man. I was fretting. It is crazy. It's still at this kind of one day at a time. What the hell is going to happen tomorrow the Lee Namartel phase as Health England put it so if you're listening to this

I don't know a year from now and it all does go tits up then kind of yeah lol end of species and if it was just nothing then you know lol toilet roll I guess which is fine by me I'm just going to piss about on Facebook all day yeah which is fine by me i'm just gonna piss about on facebook

all day yeah yeah facebook is really going to come into its own i think people who who deleted it and stuff because it because it is in some ways it is a i mean not not as bad as twitter for me but it is kind of a hellscape of of screaming and you know and general bad vibes but it's lovely at the moment people checking on each other just just you know yeah yeah man it's uh what what a time what a time it is to be yeah what a time to be alive hey quite i've detected a definite change in mood i mean obviously because i'm i'm dealing with teenagers quite a lot of the places that i work and you know three four weeks ago it was certainly i mean which seems like a lifetime ago now but it was certainly the fact that I was detecting, you know,

these are kids who've played apocalyptic games, watched apocalyptic films kind of their whole life. And prepared. Well, they were secretly yearning for this kind of shit to a certain extent. And you could tell the slight excitement. Like you wanted nuclear war. Well, no, this is it. It's exactly the same thing.

But I have to say that kind of keenness in a way has definitely dissipated over recent weeks and it's been replaced by concern and worry so so even teenagers even teenagers uh a word about this i mean this notion of them all staying at home and self isolating yes teenagers perfectly are perfectly happy staying on their phones and their tablets but the idea once school closures kick in of keeping all these kids home well i i predict chaos on the streets but what the hell one day at a time one day at a time yeah i'll tell you what it was i thought it was really telling that um one of the gigs that you know because people have been cancelling stuff you know for for the

good of for the good of others because the thing you what you have to remember is it's not about you. It's about everyone. And I've had to do that myself. I've had to go through that thing because I've been like, well, lucky me that hilariously we... Do you remember a few months back when... Do you remember Brexit?

That was a thing. That's on the good old days. Oh, I understand. Oh, you know, it's like hovis adverb um but yeah they were they were like oh there might be a shortage of loo roll because because there's going to be problems with you know with with the supply chain in that way so we bought months ago and and it's a bit it's a bit weird i'm telling you to to see that we've got an adequate stash of it. And then seeing in the news, everyone's buying Lu-Roll, there's no Lu-Roll anywhere.

People are pulling knives on each other. And it's like... Get on eBay, Sarah. Fucking hell. One sheet at a time. I absolutely couldn't. And also just people like, oh, praise the entrepreneurial skill of these, the entrepreneurial moxie of these teenagers who've bought up a load of masks and are selling them at a markup and it's like no

that's not that's not don't don't pat them that's not how this works but yeah i was going to say this i feel it was quite telling that one of the big gigs that went ahead at wembley at the weekend was um our old mate morrissey yeah who cares much about, you know, and all of his, honestly, I was just like, of course, of course that gig went ahead. And of course everybody went to it. A lot of people, unfortunately. These are people who spend their entire lives

self-isolating anyway. You know what I mean? Fuck them. But yeah, it is like, well, you know, it was one last hurrah and stuff but i mean then again john hopkins who i who i like very much he did his gig as well and everyone went to that and so it just it's oh it's um but you have to i don't know you have to kind of forgive people i totally forgive people there are sound psychological reasons i have read i was reading an interesting

thing this morning somebody's written a book about the psychology of pandemics and um god it's so weird isn't it even saying like the word pandemic it's like it makes you feel like you're in jurassic park or something um but yeah you said like it's there's a there's a reason for it partly obviously it's that once some people do it everyone else does it because it's like why are you buying all the cereal because it's gonna run out because everyone else is doing it but previous to that it's a kind of it's it's about disgust it's because when there's a virus about and there's nothing you can do about it it's one thing you can do to try to seize some measure of control it's like your your disgust levels are kind of heightened and your awareness is heightened of like oh there's

this stuff and i don't and lural is very kind of connected to to... That's how you get rid of disgusting things. It's Lurol, it's clean, you know. So I totally get it. I mean, I know it's like, oh, look at all the idiots. But, you know, and I'm the first person to say, you know, look at all these dickheads. But they're dickheads who've got... Their brains are just working like they're supposed to, really.

There must be people listening to this and going, oh, fucking hell, great, a new chart music. It took me mind off it. And here's us fucking rattling on about it. So I'll just say one more thing. The one, my enormous fear is, you know, I was all right with everything, you know, calm, you know, grace under pressure, as always.

And then I saw on Facebook all those clips of Italians on balconies playing instruments and singing. It was like, oh, for fuck's sake, do not let that happen here. Because it is going to be a load of cunts out of the bedroom windows doing redemption songs. Or Wonderwall.

Fuck that. Imagine. I'm breaking into your fucking house and coughing on you. Go away, girl. The shape of you. Oh, God, you're making it worse here. But I know what's the worst thing that you do. You know, if you stick your head out the window.

Oh, people are singing. My neighbours have come together in song. Like, what's the worst possible thing? A wonder wall. Yeah, definitely. Oh, fucking hell now we've had a good laugh about this now

and I'm terrified that when I finally do this edit someone might not even be me does a voiceover and go this was recorded

before everyone involved in it died oh god this will be are we are we prepared for this are we prepared

for this to be our legacy well yeah definitely yeah I am yeah I regret nothing and of course if you are subscribing to Patreon you're contributing

to the brand new chart music top 10 hit the fucking music we've said goodbye to the old sailor ATV eyes working class youth of Newcastle and B.A. Conterson, which means six down and four new entries.

Down four places to number 10, it's Lesbian Door Factory. A new entry at number nine, Billy Preston and Rye Vita. A new entry at number nine, Billy Preston and Rye Vita. On its way down from number five to number eight, Bomber Dog. Down four from three to seven, Dave D, Creeper, Twat and Cut. A former number one, now down from number two to number six, Jeff Sex. Oh, watch out. Down one place to number five, here comes Jizzum. Last week's number one has dropped all the way to number four, Noel Edmonds' Gas Disco.

Into the top three, and it's a new entry at number three. Danger Freaks! Another new entry at number two. Dean Spunk presents a tribute to Olly Murs which means

Britain's number one! The highest new entry. Straight in at number one. The highest new entry, straight at number one, Inselvis Costello. Ooh, in with a bullet. All changing the chart music top ten. Wow. Well, absolutely.

Tenacious bummer dog, tenacious jism. But, yeah, startled by that in with a bullet at number one. It's a new era. Yeah, I was shocked by that. I thought Dean Spunk was nailed on. So, yeah, the new entries. Well, Billy was shocked by that. I thought Dean Spunk was nailed on. So yeah, the new entries. Well, Billy Preston and Rai Vita, obviously. Danger freaks!

I see that as an electro clash. Yeah, I would say so. And for the Pop Craze youngsters, that is four A's and three E's. You know, if you want to get it on your pencil case properly. Yeah. Surely that's like the thickest, densest funk you could ever imagine. You know, like that black that is like the blackest black

that no light can enter and it's, you know... Obsidian black. Yeah, I think Anish Kapoor actually owns the exclusive world rights to the blackest black you can possibly get in paint. Like that, but with funk. Yeah. And in self is Costello, basically, basically writes itself, doesn't it?

It does, it does. So don't forget, every month all the Pop Craze Patreons come around and lay the money down. And if you're not one of those, now is the time, because I know we're going through hard times, pop craze youngsters. But Chart Music is here to get you through those hard times. Nourishing your soul with four-hour descriptions of old television shows. And ensuring that the forebears of whoever is left will know what Dave Lee Travis' beard looked like thousands of years from now. Take a deep breath

go to patreon.com slash chart music and slip some coin down that groin we're creating a legacy well it's very much the podcast the world is crying out for at the moment I would argue definitely yeah definitely I think it is

we ought to go for a 14 day episode and do it in shifts just to get people through the self-isolation period. Yeah, yeah. Can you imagine? Can we do like a live stream? Can we do like some sort of a stream, you know? Maybe, you know, just like Big Brother, you know,

people used to just watch people sleep all night, you know? Yeah. Well, it'd be like that bit in Dawn of the Dead where they're watching the telly and all those people are arguing. We could do that. Yes. But about dollar. Well, you know I did that stupid Facebook test

about who you're going to be quarantined with, and it came up with Taylor Park. Yes. Taylor's pretty good at quarantine already. I think he's a guy that you... Paradoxically, I think he's a guy that you need in a crisis he's got a great

collection of shit to watch as well seriously honestly it's like that should be in a it belongs in a museum he's got the best you go around to

Taylor's he has got just he's just got this incredible he's just curated over years just the most incredible cornucopia of like telly crap

that I it's amazing yeah he should charge for entry really but let's go around his house now everyone yeah all right but don't tell him but we'll surprise him yeah he'll he'll love that um i don't know about anyone else but um i've noticed a few people have been talking about like because because this is a like oh shit this is really this is really big this is this is a situation and you know it's a pan so, oh shit, this is really big. This is a situation. And, you know, so the WHO declares this a pandemic. Time is going really bendy as well.

You know, like in strange times, time goes fast, it goes slow, it goes weird. And so who knows when it was. Seven years ago, in my brain, the WHO declared this a pandemic. And people immediately start looking up stuff like, they dig out their old DVD of Outbreak with, you know, Dustin Hoffman and a monkey and Contagion and, you know, like, and zombie movies and apocalypse shit and dystopian shit. There's something in us.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is why last night I was looking for my well-thumbed but never finished copy of Stephen King's The Stand, which I haven't really looked at for years, because I only got it because I love the cover, but that might be some valuable research in the coming

weeks, let's see. I just watched loads of old episodes at Top of the Pop. Oh, I did that too, I mean, I've done my research, like, don't think that I'm not just winging it here. Good. So, this episode, Pop Craze Youngsters, takes us all the way back to January the 7th, 1982.

Yes, it's a mere two years away from the last one we did, but it's safe to say that there has been plenty of water put between those 24 months both musically and televisually and i will go as far to say that this episode is where the event is a truly dead and the 80s properly leaps out of the womb waving a big flag about don't you get that feeling when you watch yeah i think you're substantially correct there al this is yeah this is the 80s in all kinds of ways um in the dancers in the audience in the bands featured in the music featured this is different i mean even though it's a matter of months but this is massively different to an 81 episode yeah this episode for me is about the

balance between there's a new sense of optimism in heavy inverted commas for everyone involved and yet for the viewer I think an increasing sense of pessimism to a certain extent in 82. So it's a very interesting episode this. Sarah, you're younger than us, let's be honest, and you look it.

You're looking at this episode as an outsider from the far future. So if I were to say to you the music of 1982, what's springing to mind? Yeah, I mean, Adam and the Ants. Yeah. With his lovely stripy face, you know. If 1982 had a commemorative coin, you know,

it would have Adam Ant's face on it, no? No, I think you're right. And, of course, 1982 is the year that the jam, Japan and Adam and the Ant split up. So it's a year of change. And obviously we're watching this, it's the first week of January. So this is still the music of late 1981, but there is change afoot, isn't there?

Yeah, absolutely. I already detected. I mean, it's odd how 1981 records sound anxious and worried about the future to a certain extent. They're about the kind of dark side, if you like, of the early 80s. By 82, it feels that pop is plastering on a grin a little bit. It is making sure that it's up and happy and kind of outward looking, almost to avoid precisely the kind of dread that we're going through at the moment

in a sense. I'm not saying that the nuclear fear of back then was as bad as say the fear of this current pandemic that we're living through but by 82 Stop talking about the pandemic now. But by 82 I would argue that pop is kind of forcing itself to be a bit optimistic

and a bit bigger and a bit showier and and it isn't kind of in a way trying to reflect uh anything darker than that it's trying to be optimistic outward looking and outwardly mobile you could almost start saying that as well about 18 years ago do you think it takes a couple of years then for a decade to get into it to fight to you know to to kind of is that like... Is that the adolescence of a decade? Is that when it starts to kind of self-actualise or kind of come into itself?

I mean, if you look back, I guess, say if you look at the records coming out in 61 and 62, the 60s were still waiting to be born. They still feel like late 50s records. And the 60s kind of gets born with the Beatles, I guess. You could also argue that in the 70s records in 1970-71 are they that different than what was being made in 69 not really no the 60s yeah but by 73 something like Metal Guru or anything like it is extremely 70s so yeah

I think I think there's something in that that it takes a a couple of years, to really launch itself on its own course. And I think that's what we're seeing in this episode. Yeah, and then you get a sort of feeling of, you know, that certain naive excitement, I guess, and a sense of optimism is going to kick in at that time. So I'm looking forward to that in, you know, in 2022. 2038, Sarah. This decade's going to begin.

Cool, I can dig it. Anyway, fuck this decade. Let's get stuck in. In the news this week, well, Spain announces it's going to lift the blockade on the border with Gibraltar after 13 years. The Commodore 64 has been launched in Las Vegas. The lowest temperature on record in the UK is registered in Braemar, Scotland, minus 27.2 Celsius.

Shirley Williams ends up in hospital after a tobogganing accident in Hertfordshire Erica Rowe, a bookshop worker from Hertfordshire fucking hell, it's all about Hertfordshire lobs them out at Twickenham during a rugby match between England and Australia and is immediately offered £1,000 to bear all for Escort magazine The BBC have moved the new series of Doctor Who

the first Peter Davidson one, from Saturday tea time to Monday evening. Julio Iglesias' dad is still missing after being kidnapped in Madrid last week by members of ETA and he'd be released unharmed in 10 days time. Jackie Onassis has been spotted in a record shop in New York buying a copy of Tainted Love by Soft Cell. But the big news this week is the shake-up of the ITV regions. Goodbye Southern Westwood and ATV. Hello TVS, TSW and Central, which had split up into East and West Midlands, which meant people like me didn't have to see news about Birmingham and Coventry anymore. But then some technicians went on strike,

meaning we'd have to wait until September of 1983 to be completely free of the yim-yam yoke. And even then, most of us had to have a new aerial installed. They didn't tell us that. Yeah. Hello, I'm Jack Beaumont. I do Crime Club. In Series 1, I spoke to people like this.

Did you not kick a policeman in the head? Yeah, that was... When was that? I was 17. In Series 2, I talked to people like this. There was a pedophile with one leg. I kicked him clean out his wheelchair, but four of us... I mean, we battered him.

And this. Cheating on your boyfriend to give him gonorrhoea? Do you want to go there, or would you rather not? Yeah, no, no, no, I can talk about it. I have jing. And this. Cheating on your boyfriend to give him gonorrhoea? Do you want to go there or would you rather not? Yeah, no, no, no. I could talk about it. I have jingles like this. That's Crime Club where strange people

tell stories involving bad behaviour. New episodes out every Monday. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long.

Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. I mean, Neil, Central was ATV in all but name but it was a seismic change it was a massive change this really is where the 80s began yeah without a doubt I mean I cannot forget that time of Central coming in because Central was one of those

it was one of those busy kind of proactive networks if you like if you have sleepy ITV regions like Grampian and Tinties and Anglia who kind of made the same programmes for decades and decades Central felt like one of those ones that still had that residual takeover in the 70s by sort of lefties basically

like funky new English teachers in a way so it had that kind of polemical side to it like Granada and like LWT so we made films with John Pilger and Roger Cook, alongside the normal chaff, you know. We made these kind of pioneering shows.

So in a way, it was a way... Everywhere you go, everything you see, someone's saying, no, it's a tragedy. But I mean, in a way, it was a taking of... That's what we want to sing out the fucking windows. You know it's's gonna be all right if we stick together oh man i love that show i love that show but i mean in a way it could have been different that's what's disturbing about this period in a sense in the changeover because

it seems seamless from atv to Central, but it's forgotten. There were other bidders, you know, for that franchise. Midlands TV could have won it. A very boring name. Mercia TV was another coalition sort of ended up by Brian Walden. Wow. Who wanted to do it. I quite like the idea of Mercia TV. And if the Midlands ever declared itself kind of devolved from central government

i'd like to be king of mercier please i quite like that title but um the interview process i'd like to be lord of atv but i was reading about the interview process whereby the bidding for that franchise came about you know they had to do an interview with lady plowden which took like two days and franchises did practices but they had trouble hiring doubles for for lady plowden but central central could have been called anything else there were 300 different names they'd they'd sort of mooted eventually it was central independent television um yeah because someone some uh smart guy had bought up Central, I think, as much as they buy domains now. But I'll never forget that logo.

It's all about the logo, isn't it? That big, globulous Central logo designed by the... I had that on a badge. Oh, awesome, man. I wore that on me Arrington alongside me jam badges and stuff like that. I was so proud of it

because all of a sudden there was television about Nottingham. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they made stuff in Nottingham as well. I mean, you know, I live in the home of Bullseye. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And I remember when they did Connie. Do you remember Connie? Oh, with Stephanie Beecham, yeah. Set in Nottingham and filmed on Snenton Market. The bloke out of Rita Sue and Bob 2 had a stall on Snenton Market. Right.

My uncle was Ukrainian and after the Berlin Wall came down and all that kind of stuff, finally all these Eastern European people who lived in Nottingham was finally allowed to have contact with the families. Yeah. And he had a mate who was, this is a massive tangent, but fuck it.

He had a mate who was Russian, and he got a letter from his granddaughters saying, oh, we can come to Nottingham to see you. And he was so excited, he had a heart attack and died on the spot. Oh, my word. I know. So my auntie and uncle put them up and so they've got two russian teenage girls you know in their house and uh they say you know look why don't you meet the rest of the family i wasn't there but my mom was and um so you know where would you take if you

had two russian teenagers who'd never been to the west before. Yeah. And they came to Nottingham. Where would you take them? My auntie decided to take them to Snenton Market. Yeah. And my mum tells me this. She's standing there with these girls in the middle of this market, bog standard market. And all of a sudden, both of them start pointing with their mouths swinging wide open. And my mum follows where they're pointing and it's a market stall

that sells broken biscuits and out-of-date chocolate. And they say, can you buy those? My mum says, yeah. What do you need? What do you need to buy them with? You know, mum says, money. And they just burst into tears

at the thought that they could go up and buy a bag of broken obnobs. Oh, get out. Yeah. That's amazing. I know. I know. Imagine that.

But yeah, every time I see Connie, I'm reminded of that, even though I wasn't there. But the thing is, with things like Connie, it did more than ATV. Central started feeling like, I don't know, our station, if you like. And it felt like they were finally making programming for our particular region. And for me, my major loyalty to Central, it stemmed from a couple of things, especially their nighttime programming, for one.

Because things that came later, like Hitman and Her, the previously mentioned Let's Fret Together strand of horror movies, and things like Connie, and of course, the broadcasting of Prisoner Cell Blockade was massively, massively important. As your life becomes this thing where you are staying out late and you are coming home late and you are maybe staying up late, Central became more and more important.

But perhaps the most important show for me on Central was its flagship um current affairs discussion show you know central weekend yes um basically question time with several pints of brew 11 and it's yes um and where anna subri and nicky campbell and it was like a testing ground for future blowhards basically but but central was was yeah it was of, it's the first time that telly felt like ours. ATV always felt a little bit, I don't know, diffuse and indistinguishable from other networks. It really wanted to be in London, didn't it? It did. It was indistinguishable from LWT, but Central did feel like it.

But it was so West Midlands-centric. Well, it was. Seriously. It was. And this is someone who's ATV-land for life. It's such a shame that there aren't ITV regions anymore. Well, that little window of uniqueness just got ironed out. When Central's logo changed from its, like we've mentioned,

the slightly plump, satisfyingly globulous globe, to just being an adjunct of the overarching ITV logo, something really precious was lost, I think. Never to be retrieved, probably. Every time I went on holiday, which would be Skegge or Chapel St. Leonard's, the first thing I would do was get in the caravan,

hook the portable telly up to the car battery, and just put on ITV, because it was Yorkshire. I know, it's mind-blowing, isn't it? Yeah, and it's like, oh my God, it's like being in a different country. Oh, they call their news programme Calendar. That's fucking weird.

Look at all these adverts that we don't get. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it was brilliant. It is a different country, though. And I had a girlfriend in the early 90s, and she lived in Southend, and it blew my mind that you know in one room of her

of her mom and dad's house itv was um thames or london weekend in the other room which was like you know like 30 feet away anglia fucking incredible yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean i just thought what a multicultural household this is very much so do you remember the final ATV today yes Wendy Nelson of Bob Warman in a mock courtroom with John Swallow in the dock

as I recall very surreal ATV today the opening credits were mental because you'd have a shot of some riots. And then you'd have a shot of Jim Callaghan and then a shot of Margaret Thatcher. And then an extreme close up of someone in her pants just twirling round. Is that some kind of commentary on the political system? On the cover of the NME this week, Vic Goddard.

On the cover of Smash Hits, OMD. The number one LP in the UK is Dare by The Human League. Over in America, the number one single is Physical by Olivia Newton-John. And the number one LP

for those about to rock, we salute you by ACDC. So me dears, what were we doing in january of 1982 being very cold i can imagine it was it was bitter out oh is it snowy one yeah yeah i think like most people in coventry i was getting ready for the most exciting event of 1982 which was the pope visiting coventry. How I was getting ready for it was basically thinking, oh, bloody hell, I hope we get a day off school

because I was only nine at the time. But depending on how old you were, obviously I have different memories of this. My wife, I remember, she always considered it a badge of pride that she could say that she worked for the Pope for that day. Yeah, she was a car park attendant at the airport.

Millions of people there. It was a mental day there. She remembers knocking off after about an hour and just mooching off because no one was watching her. And going to some strange, you know, punk party,

maybe at the old punk house, who knows, whereby they were setting fire to crosses outside in an anti-religious statement that could have been misinterpreted. Yes. Clearly.

Was it called bollocks to the Pope or something? Something like that. Stuff the Pope. Stuff the Pope. I mean, the Pope was coming to Cobb. Massive Irish, Scottish and huge Catholic population here. So that was a big, big deal that year in 82. So it's dominated for me by memories of that.

Blimey. Yeah, I was living... Was I still living with my grandparents at that point i'm not sure but if it was snowy i might have been able to go tobogganing i'm sorry that's why i someone earlier had a terrible tobogganing accident and i was like tobogganing yes um i hope i hope she made it for recovery but um so it's the best word isn't it really yes i love a toboggan also yeah yes. I hope she makes it for recovery. But it's the best word, isn't it, really? Yes. I love a toboggan. Also, yeah, I have not...

When's the last time you tobogganed? Yeah. It's like a good, honest, you know, a plastic sled from Woolies, you know, that would be hazardous, even more hazardous to life, health, and arse cheeks by the end of the day. A big crack in it um but

yeah i was i was uh at that point building up a healthy head of terror about you see i've been preparing for this my whole life i started to be conscious of telly and stuff and uh you know around this time when i was like four years old and the first thing you get um along with with probably a you know first twinkles of top of the pops and lovely cultural stuff is um terrifying public information films yes which i've probably talked about before but it's like fire the fire is gonna eat your sofa and then you and there's nothing you can do about it um you know and then uh electric substations are gonna yeah they're gonna fuck you up yeah up. And same for your friend Jimmy.

Where are they now when we fucking need them most? I know. I'm sorry to go back to it, but surely now's the time that the public information film comes back. Yeah, yeah. You can have Alvin Stardust saying, going back to work after exhibiting flu-like symptoms after your conference in North Italy,

you must be out of your tiny mind. Yeah, well, they need to re... I mean, God knows, I would assume there would be no money for this since there's no money for any fucking thing else. Yeah, but they're cheap as fuck. Those films are massively effective because they've put knowledge in my head

that's there now. And, you know, it worries me that a whole generation doesn't know how useful a wet tea towel might be in the event of a chip pan fire yeah chip pan fire or to just accept that you've lost your frisbee when it's coming to some station i'll tell you what there's a they could repurpose the fireworks one there's an absolutely harrowing fire there's several of them and i i am i mean i don't i i don't like fireworks anyway there's an absolutely harrowing firework one there's several of them and i i am i mean i don't i don't like fireworks anyway there's um for various reasons but that's that's definitely one of them it's like i can't i've i can just about hold a sparkler now but i don't feel festive doing it it's just like that's my brain is going that's fire that's close that's fire close to your

hand you've got sleeves they're made of cotton you're made of flesh you should probably oh thank god it's gone out. Yeah. Fucking hell. It's just, you know, it's in there forever. But there's a fireworks advert where there's a countdown. And somebody, like a bunch of people are excitedly shouting, 10, 9, 8. And somebody is holding up. And I think this is real as well, is they're holding up hands.

And it's people who've lost fingers. And so you get, you know, 10. And it's people who've lost fingers yes and so you get you know you get 10 and it's like they've just lost it's it's they put up both hands and there's one figure missing nine it's two fingers two fingers uh missing eight through a bit and it's horrifying oh god honestly bring them back man just like wash your hands wash your hands or your fingers are going to fall off i mean i know it's a smattering of disinformation, but how else are you going to get the message through? Let's face it, kids are not anxious enough.

They need more anxiety in their lives. Yeah, I mean, Charlie could be saying anything, really, couldn't he? So he could just voice over that and just say, Charlie says don't cough on the bus, you twat. And the man came up to me and said, would I like to see some puppies? The grammar of those is so beautiful as well. If you actually look at the way they're written, they're written in ways that people don't speak anymore.

And certainly children don't. So for that reason as well, you see, it's educational in so many ways, across so many different axes. I was in the third year at the twat farm, otherwise known as Top Valley Comprehensive. And, you know, I was forced to walk

an entire street in a bit to get to school in this harsh winter conditions, which was terrible. Still kept up, obviously. But that was good because I got to go to school and brag my arse off

about the Atari I'd just got for Christmas. So I didn't give a fuck about anything else. Yeah, oh, you're out there in the snow having fun. Oh, I've got Circus Atari and Combat, which came

with it. Did you get Defender eventually? Eventually, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got all that shit. Pac-Man. Yeah, it became a very popular youth at school and the only time the Atari got switched off was when Top of the Pops

was on because you know I still believed in it man I could go tobogganing any time I like because me and my sister have worked out

that if you got into a sleeping bag you could just go down the stairs in it over and over and over again so yeah I've been down the stairs

I've been down the stairs at my nana's on a tray. Yeah, sleeping bag's better though because it doesn't slip from under your arse. Ah. It's just the right speed, isn't it? Yes. And you get that quite fluent.

You just sort of bump all the way down. And of course, Pop Craze Youngsters, right about this time is the time that we dig in the boxes and we pull out an issue from the music press from this week. This time I've got the January 9th edition of Melody Maker. Shall we dig through? Oh, yes, please. On the cover, Claire Grogan of Altered Images wearing a ruff made out of tinsel.

Oh, God, I love that. The news section. The big story this week is that record labels across the board have announced price increases on vinyl in 1982 a melody maker has warned their readers to expect to pay up to £1.99 on a 12-inch single £4.26 on an lp and as much as £6.50 for a double album. Blimey. That is big prices in 82. That is expensive. Definitely.

John Coughlin has announced that he's quitting status quo to concentrate on his side project, John Coughlin's Diesel Band. Quo are currently in mantra unavailable for comment as they are putting the finishing touches to their next LP, 1982, and having a group polish.

Elvis Costello's reinvention as a country singer is not going down well in Nashville. He accidentally booked a show at the Opry Theatre when he actually needed to play the grand old Opry. book to show at the Opry Theatre when he actually needed to play the grand old Opry. His label CBS have decided not to release his recent LP Almost Blue to country stations after a trial run. His label have decided not to release his recent LP Almost Blue to country stations after a trial run. The Nashville music community are claiming that he's not a real country singer in any

case and the gig was half full HTV West have announced a new drama series called Jangles about a nightclub in London which the makers claim will be a reflection of the spirit of youth in the 80s

it will star Hazel O'Connor as a singer Jessie Birdsole as her boyfriend, and Sue Audrey out of Coronation Street Nichols as her mam, will go out in the summer of 1982 and lasts one series. There's been a New Year's Day riot at the venue in Westminster after a sole Aldea oversold tickets and a thousand punters were locked out. And rumours are abounding that the Cockney Rejects are working on a heavy metal LP

produced by Pete Way of UFO. In the interview section, well, Neil Rowland nips up to Leeds to catch altered images at the Days of Future Past festival and tells us that the last two times he saw them, he found Claire Grogan too attractive to listen to the music properly. He then hangs around with them for a bit, including on the set of the Old Grey Whistle Test, where Claire appears in Marks and Spencer's thermal underwear and at the recording of the Christmas Top of the Pops, where the band coat down Toya while she's on stage.

See, it's not just us. In the interview, it's very clear that they are already worried about being seen as a kids' band. The centre spread is given over to the World Tour Diary of Echo and the Bunnymen. Ian McCulloch buys a load of JFK was shot here postcards in Dallas and thinks that New Zealand is a psychedelic Yorkshire. Peter Freitas cracks up in Germany.

The band cook a Sunday roast in a Sydney hotel room and Will Sargent hides a girl in the Peppermint Club in New York after she gave a bouncer a glass of piss, which he damned in one. Steve Sutherland spends the week at the ICA for their Rock Week, the annual new music showcase. It's a thumbs up for Haircut 100. Buzz!

23 Skidoo and Gene Loves Jezebel, but the Higgsons are cretins. Modern English should be taken out somewhere and quietly shot. China crisis are dismissed as shy bedroom boys. And Maury Wilson is described as the Edna Everidge of modern soul. linden barber meets the women behind the girlfriend label who've put out the all-woman compilation lp making waves which he coated down in a previous review they have a go at him and then talk about how hard it is for female bands to get noticed if they're just all about the music and not doing a sex it's true meanwhile brian harrigan goes to hammersmith odium for a chat with giza buckler

about post-ozzy sabbath he tells him that he sat on santa's knee in a department store in toledo the other week and asked him for a new shirt for christmas he also says that relationships between the band and ozzy were strained when they couldn't play the heavy metal Holocaust festival at Port Vale's ground last year and the promoters booked Ozzy in their place. But he predicts that Sabbath will go on forever.

Paulo Hewitt visits Essex University for a chat with Department S who were pretending not to be worried about their last two singles flopping and are hoping that their forthcoming LP will right the ship. It doesn't. Hewitt comments that the highlight of the gig is when Vaughan Toulouse calls a load of heckling punks at the front hippies.

A melody maker have launched this year's rock writing contest. £1,000 for the winner, £250 for second place, and £150 for third place. Fucking hell. Big prizes. Big prizes. Yes. The single reviews. Well, Steve Sutherland is at the controls, and he's written a big

uncompartmentalised splurge which is a ball ache to get through. Single of the week appears to be Felicity by Orange Juice with its initial sighs and opening chords which sound like fluttering eyelashes. Sutherland also rubs himself in anticipation of next month's LP which he says is full of Northern promise,

redefines romance and is full of back to Beatles basics. defines romance and is full of back-to-Beatles basics. Don't Tell Me by Central Line is a hand-clapping thigh-slapper of a record and Fungi Mama by Tom Brown also get a meaty thumbs up. But it's a coat-down for Do You Believe in the West World by Theatre of Hate. It's not so much what they say, but how Kirk Blandon bleats on and on and on about it, said Sutherland, who notes that they still haven't been signed to a major label and isn't at all surprised. The anti-nowhere league's cover of Streets of London is not only unfunny, but also totally unoriginal and is, quote, even worse than sicko old has been splodged this abounds

if the original didn't want to make you want to kick every tramp you ever came across this version will the boiler by the special aka inroda quote should be played in every school room boardroom household office dol queue and factory the length and breadth of the land and is a worthy successor to ghost town further coat downs are dished out to jonah louie for rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic jonah i'm a trading for no love dinah ross's new single tenderness which is described as a shadow of her recent stuff with Nile Rodgers. And China Doll by China Doll is described as a Nika meets altered images. And special praise is reserved for the re-release of Razor's Edge by Defunct.

And SLF, the renamed Stiff Little Fingers, for That's When Your Blood Bumps. In the LP review section, well well it's an understandably quiet week with just one page of reviews and the lead one is given over to the double lp little figures by the method actors the band from athens georgia who weren't rem or the b-52s lyndon barber describes it as headache addictive stuff and proclaims the next time you hear someone complaining that there's nothing happening in modern music, shove this in their face. Paul Colbert is confused by invisible yearnings

by the post-punk band playing characters who yields to the temptation of scratching the head in bewilderment. And Paul Strange puts the boot into the soundtrack lp music from the elder kiss meet the american symphony orchestra the saint robert's choir and a cast of thousands in an enthralling vinyl vehicle spectacular fueled on myth legend and overwhelming pretentious bullshit. Oh, you can just imagine, can't you? Well, quite. In the gig guide, well, David could have seen Marillion at the Chadwell Heath Electric Stadium,

Elvis Costello at the Royal Albert Hall, the Go-Go's at Hammersmith Palace, or nipped up to Bailey's in Watford to see hot gossip every night for a week, but probably didn't. Taylor could have nipped out to the Barrel Organ to see hot gossip every night for a week, but probably didn't. Taylor could have nipped out to the barrel organ to see Otto's Bazaar, Chainsaw at the Railway Hotel, Flying Objects at the Selly Oak Station Hotel,

or Crucial Music at the Fighting Cox. Neil could have seen Streetlight at Wrighton Bridge and fuck all else. Sarah could have seen Streetlight at Wrighton Bridge and fuck all else. Sarah could have seen Black Sabbath at Leeds or Jimmy Witherspoon at Halifax Acapulco Club. Al could have seen After the Fire at Rock City or Fad Gadget at the Redford Porterhouse. And Simon would have had to have stopped at home and recreated Heavy Metal Holocaust on his Subutio pitch. As per usual, there are no Welsh listings. In the letters page, the main topic of conversation is the 1981 Melody Maker Reader's Poll,

where Genesis were voted Band of the Year again. Adam and the Ants were voted the biggest hype and biggest poses, and the dance record of the year was... Go on, have a guess. 81, hmm. You'll never get it. That year, it's going to be something else. Have a think, have a think.

We'll come back to this. Pop Craig Shields says, have a think. The dance record of 1981, according to Melody Maker readers. Loads of people have had a moan about this poll. This week, there's been a backlash to that backlash. I like Pink Floyd and have some respect for Rush as well, says James Carter of Southend. Surely the reason why these groups top a Melody Maker poll is simply that they are consistently good. Meanwhile, Alf Blacker of Crawley says says why is it that the staff choice for the 1981 best ofs

contains so many vague titles by unheard of mishmash perhaps they need to realize that there are some people who don't think the newer artists can hold a candle to those far from burnt out super groups yes neil what do you think? Well, it's a recurrent motif really amongst music press correspondents, especially for Melody Maker, I have to say, because, you know, Melody Maker in 82, the cool kids aren't reading Melody Maker, they're reading The Enemy.

The Enemy was on top of Punk, The Enemy was on top of Post Punk. These sort of hoary old farts who are still listening to fucking Greenslade, Genesis, Yes, and all the other old prog rock dinosaurs are those people who are still reading Melody Maker, and they're going to not like it when new music turns up, when they think, you know, that Melody Maker should be covering the same old shit that it used to. And to be fair, that was a perennial complaint.

I remember seeing letters that were uncannily similar, you know, over a decade later. So, yeah, it's just one of those. Julian Milhouse of Lincoln has a moan about his recent experience at a jam gig in North London. There was no alcoholic drink available. Fair enough, but with Coke at 40p and crisps at 15p, we stayed thirsty. And the conditions in the toilet were disgusting oh jam fans lift the seat up that is expensive for a bag of crisps at that time 15p yeah yeah

definitely yeah meanwhile vanessa of london says i would just like to tell everyone that I have just been to the best gig of the year. Bruce Springsteen was terrific. Hazel O'Connor was very good. And the jam were marvellous. But Slade at Hammersmith Odeon on Sunday really brought the house down. And Mark E. Smith of Manchester responds to a quote by Julian Cope in Melody Maker's Christmas issue where Cope claimed to have discovered 40 LPs lying against a

radiator all warped in Smith's bedroom. The letter in full. I would like to make it quite clear that Julian Cope has never been near my bedroom. Although judging by his recent photographs he no doubt would like to be

also any fool knows that you don't put lps near radiators which i never had where i lived when i knew cope he must have imagined it during one of his flying jacket fantasies about mummy and daddy oh God if only Twitter was going there faint tinge of homophobia as well yeah 40 pages 30 pens or

2 packets of crisper at a jam gig I never knew there was so much in it so Melody Make a Poll dance single of the year. Oh, mate, 81. I mean, there's so many great disco records in 81. I'm guessing it's none of those. So, is it the Nolan Sisters?

Sarah? I don't even have a clue. Can Can by Bad Manners. Dance music record of the year. Fuck's sake, man. Very revealing. I mean, sorry, a couple of things about that issue. The D.O. era Sabbath debate is one that is still ongoing in my house.

I refuse to listen to post-Ozzy sabbath i see no need for it uh my daughter's desperate to try and get me to listen to diawira sabbath she swears down by it but another thing that leapt out in that rundown you did the bit about altered images i i've never figured out why male journalists consider it okay in a sense or feel comfortable and confident enough in themselves to write about how they fancy female singers it would never occur to me in a billion years to put that in copy it's embarrassing man i mean you might have those thoughts but keep them to yourself keep them out of your copy i would argue it's very strange that yeah it's part of the appeal everybody knows

this it is ridiculous to deny it it is part of the appeal of you know of any musician to look nice and be attractive and sexy and you want to have sex and that's part of the deal and it's especially part of the deal with women and it was especially more part of the deal then and it's understandable up to a point but yeah the way that it's just this kind of open drooling isn't it i guess it's the tone of it more than anything else it's just this kind of open drooling, isn't it? I guess it's the tone of it more than anything else. It's just the kind of... And, you know... I just spell that. Several Gs and Hs and...

Yeah, and a napkin. I mean, did you ever do that, Sue? Did I ever do that? When writing about males? The general opinion is that female journalists can get away with that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where male journalists can't. And it's just another form of sexism.

It's just, well, you know, then you have to go back to your rudimentary, you know, kind of power dynamics 101 at that point, don't you? No, I don't believe I have. It probably never occurred to me to do it. I mean, I'm sure I've... It's kind of a bit of a myth anyway that, you know, it's like, oh, well, you flirt with them. And, you know, flirting is a sort of complicated social mechanism which people get various things out of

and there's different levels of it and it's, you know, mostly good. be quite chaste it doesn't have to like lead you know when you know that nothing's gonna come of it you are you can relax as part of you know it's it's a nice relaxed thing to do and i've had people you know flirt with me a little bit and i float and it's that's quite i think that's like a sophisticated way of communicating is when you can do that and put people at their ease and not put people on edge at all. But I never felt like I was not in a position of, sorry, this is a whole interesting other thing. I've said before on this podcast.

No, that's what we do. Chart music is an interesting other thing, if nothing else. I never felt like I had the upper hand with anybody at all. Yeah, I think that's crucial they knew what they were doing more than i did uh they had you know they had the power i was kind of floundering about trying to trying to get them to tell me things and and um i mean i just wanted to go in there and apologize for like taking up their time especially i mean you know because like especially the time that i came to it i think everyone was people especially were not

massively up for talking to the maker anyway by the end of it you know we went to a festival and people we had interviews lined up with people and they just didn't show because you know because apparently they weren't asked um anyway I am getting off the point here the point is where we came in on this was about what it being inappropriate for men to drool over female musicians which i would yeah i would agree with it's gross and it's off-putting and just sort of immature yeah beyond anything else it's just painful to read i mean i think you could talk about you can talk about people's appearance being astonishing and being them looking amazing you can do that whichever gender you are and whichever person that you're writing about but it's when it gets to that kind of creepy i don't know yeah that that kind of leery lechiness yeah um i don't know i don't know

people can send copy through like that i mean it it yeah well it's like a public wank just keep it to yourself well it stands it stands out now because people have actually noticed that and gone and and there's been conversations and that stuff has been pointed out and kind of put aside because, you know, I mean, there's still stuff that gets through. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago. I say a couple of years ago, it's going to be five or ten years ago, isn't it?

But a guy wrote this thing about the precise beauty of Megan Fox, the actress, and how... And that kind of went around the internet a bit people just go jesus what the fuck is this guy doing because he was trying to do a whole thing about the the perfection of her face and and and body i think as well and it was weird and it didn't land right but i think there's a way it's kind of like with comedy you know it's like where you can make a joke about anything but you have got to have your shit about you you've got to have the the nous and the emotional intelligence

across and the other kinds of intelligence to be able to talk about that i'm sure there's you know there's i'm sure we've read like exciting kind of thrilling interviews where that's been under discussion like how do you feel about your own beauty that sort of you know but yeah i it's it doesn't it doesn't read well mostly when guys just go off on one because there's a certain sense of entitlement isn't there and like that there's a there's a vulnerability because like she cannot do anything about it and you know it must be it must be really creepy for you as a you know as a female musician to kind of have an interview in that way. And it's all very polite and, you know, it's all very nice.

And then you read it and it's like, oh, God, was that what he was thinking the whole time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all about tone. Because, I mean, Claire Grogan must have read so many pieces like that that year of just guys kind of turning into puddles. And if that is getting in the way of i don't know right about the music right about the voice right about the songs then yeah i don't really see a point in it but do you not think that the journalist and people like that were going you know look at me

i don't fancy your standard page three type i've seen some beauty in claire grogan yeah perhaps that makes it even more grisly though yeah. Yeah, when you're using her to say something about your really good taste in women. There's going to be people listening to this and going, oh, Neil said he fancied her earlier. He said he loved her. And I felt it. As a person, yeah.

But yeah, don't dribble on the page. It's the rules. So what else was on telly this day? Well, BBC One starts the day at 11.30 with the final episode of King of the Rocket Men. Then it's the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew

Mysteries, the News Afternoon, Regional News in Your Area, Pebble Mill at One, King Rollo and Stop Go. After two hours of the Barrett World Doubles Tennis Championship from the NEC, it's regional news in your area. Play School, the Laurel and Hardy cartoon, the first episode of Huckabee Finn and his friends, Newsround, Blue Peter, the evening news, regional news in your area again, nationwide, and they've just finished, obviously, Tomorrow's World. BBC Two kicks off at 11 with Play School and then closes down for 35 minutes

before coming back hard with nearly four hours of the Open University. Then it picks up the tennis coverage before a repeat of All Creatures Great and Small. Then it's Ennals Point, the Welsh drama series about a lifeboat crew, the new summer air, and they're currently five minutes into the documentary series The English Language,

which talks to a farmer from North Holland and visits a club that speaks to each other in Anglo-Saxon because, I don't know, it's something to do, I suppose. ITV commences at half nine with a school's programme splurge. Then it's the Bubblies, Little Blue, Get Up and Go and The Sullivans. After the news at one and regional news in your area, it's Take the High Road, Afternoon Plus, the miniseries Love Among the Artists,

Three Little Words, the game show hosted by Ray Allen, Danger Mass, Little House on the Prairie, Take the Stage, the news at 5.45, Crossroads, regional news in your area,

and they're half an hour into the 1970 David Lean film, Ryan's Daughter. Neil, what's jumping out at you from all that? Oh, King Rollo, for starters. These kids' TV names are starting to be a little bit more familiar to me, without a doubt. Beyond that... Little Blue? Little Blue, you know, that immediately leapt at me. But honestly, complete memory hole. That's fallen down.

What the hell was Little Blue? Well, Little Blue was an elephant who was, his mum gave him a bath, but he started fucking about with a fountain pen. Ah, yes. The ink went into the water. Wow. His mummy has a blue boy now.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. And that's it. It's about a blue elephant. Oh, it was a simpler time. I do actually remember that and I remember King Rollo

and I think I remember the Huckleberry Finn thing as well. It was probably a bit over my head but I remember all these. But the Laurel and Hardy cartoon? Yes. I have no recollection. Don't watch the Laurel and Hardy cartoon.

It was rubbish. Was it bad? Okay, yeah. I can't imagine it being anything't watch the Lowland Heidi cartoons. It was rubbish. Was it bad? I can't imagine it being anything but bad. A little blue, though. The pitch for that must have been on the slimmest of presensors. It's like, okay, it's an elephant who has a bath, and his pen breaks, and he's blue afterwards.

And that's it. And what happens? Are we going to sell merchandise off that? Oh, sell merchandise off that he just gets up to all sorts with phobia he didn't have any special powers or anything he was just a blue elephant yeah I feel like there's a certain purity

about that but having written having dabbled in writing children's books myself I'm aware most I would say it's like 99% of But having dabbled in writing children's books myself, I'm aware at most, I would say it's like 99% of, okay, 97% of all children's books are just animal, does thing with or without hat.

And the other 3% is David Walliams doing whatever he feels like doing or whatever his ghostwriter feels like doing and making a million billion more pounds. So that's it. There you go. An elephant who takes a printer cartridge into the bath, Sarah. There you go. Brilliant. I'm on it.

Okay, yeah. I'll give you a couple of royalty points for that. All right then, Pop Craze youngsters. We've pumped up enough balloons and unfurled all the flags for this episode. So we're going to leave it there and invite you back very soon for part two of this episode of Chart Music. And don't forget, if you want the full episode without adverts right now, just get that sexy little arse of yours on patreon.com slash chart music. Drop $5 down this here G-string and watch us dance for you for the full length without any adverts. So on behalf of Neil Kulkarni and Sarah B, I invite you to stay clean, stay the fuck away from folk and stay pop crazed. Chart music.

GreatBigOwl.com All of television history is contained in the Box of Delights. I've climbed up Nelson's column once before. These are small. And put it down in front of Bagpuss. I'm Julia Rayside. Join me and my guests as we dip into our favourite TV memories. Some boys mustn't hesitate bashing their head like this.

You can't tell me what to do, you ain't my mother! I love when a plan comes together. Come and tell us what yours are too. We've all been told we can't discuss nominations. It's a bit of car air. Shut up with a novel on the top. I think I like you, Lovejoy. Find us on Twitter, at Box Delights Pod.

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