Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - Chart Music #49 (Part 3): January 7th 1982 - Yellow Hurll

Episode Date: March 29, 2020

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: would you treat YOUR kids to a day out at Flick Colby's Zoo?We're returning to one of our favourite years for music television discussion, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, but if you think it's another Eighventies splurge, think on; that era is not only officially dead, but its corpse is being gleefully stepped upon by assorted Pineapple dance studio chaff. Peter Powell - when he's not doing the Running Man - takes us through a chart which is coming out of hibernation after the Xmas truce, and what a battered selection box it turns out to be.Musicwise, hmm: Zoo have their coming-out party, which involves a BDSM Cossack Human Centipede. Alton Edwards overdoes it with the Jheri Curl activator and fucks up his expensive jacket. There's an appalling video of Foreigner in 'action'. The pace picks up with Meat Loaf and Cher copping off with each other and the introduction of Romo Ralph Wiggum, but then The Mobiles forget to top themselves up. Shakatak. A bodybuilder with an eyepatch for pants makes an accidental Nazi salute at Peter Powell. Vangelis self-isolates with nine synths. The Number One Single reminds us how good things used to be. The Zoo Wankers desecrating Madness shows us how bad things are going to get.Sarah Bee and Neil Kulkarni join Al Needham for an extensive tear-down of the first week of the Eighties Proper, veering off on such tangents as regional ITV, the humbling of Communism in Sneinton Market, mysterious greasy stains on bus windows, how 50% of Chart Music bonded over the Bummer's Conga in Bristol in 1995, and why hiding cock photos under your housemate's pillow isn't the done thing. Probably even more swearing than usual.Video Playlist |  Subscribe |  Facebook | Twitter |  Look at our Wiki, it's MINTSubscribe to us on iTunes here. Support us on Patreon here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull-Apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. The following podcast is a member of the Great Big Owl family. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language,

which will frequently mean sexual swear words. What do you like to listen to? Chark music. Chark music. Chart music Chart music It's Thursday night It's January the 7th 1982 It's Top of the Pops It's Attack of the Pops.

It's Attack of the Zoo Wankers. It's cap-sleeved American dad nonsense. It's jerry-curl activism. Oh, Pop Craze youngsters, the flags are a-drooping and the balloons are sagging like old men's sausage-y tits. Ay-oh,its. Ayo, pop-crazed youngsters, and welcome back to part three of Chart Music number 49. I'm Al Needham, they're Neil Kulkarni and Sarah B, and this episode of Top of the Pops

has been bad 80s from front to back thus far, hasn't it? I feel like in order to rescue this episode of Top of the Pops and indeed this episode of Chart Music it just needs some kind of I don't know, like some kind of massive injection of fun joy and delight. I mean, I'm just I don't know, I know you can't always get what you want

but, you know, that's kind of what I feel is kind of needed now. I mean, this is the thing though, if you were watching Top of the Pops when you were 13 like I was or whatever age you were, you'd be three songs in and thinking, oh, fucking hell, five. But you're still clinging on, aren't you? You're always cling on. If you sit down to watch Top of the Pops, you're there for the duration, I think.

Because you don't always know what number one's going to be. You don't know what they're going to pull out at the end, you know. And it's like, well, you like, you take it through the bad times and see it to the good times, whatever it takes. Come on, let's gird our loins and forge on. We're British for fuck's sake. We can take it. Yes.

Come on, January 1982. Get your fucking arse in gear. Alton Edwards, just want to spend some time with you. You meet low so thousands of albums now a hit single dead ringer for love Pow! Having ripped off his waistcoat in a new pop frenzy, is surrounded by the zoo wanker dressed as Frank Spencer in the TA, a couple of presentable girls from the audience, and a lad who has turned up in his own volition in appalling clown makeup with a shirt with pinstripes and crisscrosses and

love hearts drawn on it in marker pen with a weird bow tie pal then tells us that the next artist has sold thousands of albums and here's his latest single, It's Dead Ringer for Love by Meatloaf. Born in Dallas in 1947, Marvin Aday's music career began when he relocated to Los Angeles in the late 60s and formed the band Meatloaf Soul after a nickname his American football coach gave him on account of being a big lad. After supporting the likes of Them, The Stooges, Janis Joplin and The MC5, the band split up when he joined the cast of Hair, leading to him and fellow cast members being signed to Rare Earth, Motown's rock label, for a one-off LP. However, when one of their songs had their vocals erased so Edwin Starr could nick it,

he flounced off back to Off-Broadway. In early 1973, he auditioned for the musical More Than You Deserved, where he linked up with the songwriter Jim Steinman, the former lead singer of The Clitoris That Thought It Was A Puppet. And they immediately started work on an LP project which took five years to germinate while Loaf put in work on the original stage production of the Rocky Horror Show and the musical Rocker by Hamlet, which turned out to be his debut solo LP, Bat Out of Hell. After a very slow start, Bat Out of Hell eventually sold

an estimated 43 million copies worldwide and became a permanent fixture in the Billboard chart for years. Over in the UK, however, the reaction was initially negative, including a review by Melody Maker which called Loaf and His Chums the worst rock and roll band in the world. finished chums the worst rock and roll band in the world but an appearance on the old grey whistle test in may of 1978 led to his first appearance in the uk singles charts when you took the words right out of my mouth got to number 33 a month later and the follow-up two out of three ain't bad got to number 32 in september of that year then Then, in January of 1979, Bat Out Of Hell re-entered the UK album chart and stayed there for 204 weeks.

And this week, it's still hanging in there at number 34. This is the follow-up to I'm Gonna Love Her For Both Of Us, which only got to number 62 in October of 1981. It's also the title track from his latest LP which went straight to number one on the UK album chart last September. The single also features a guest appearance from the singer Sherilyn Sarkissian who hadn't been in the UK chart since Dark Lady got to number 36 in March of 1974 and had just abandoned a short-lived disco career for a go at this rock thing. After entering the top 40 at the beginning of December, it's been on a ridiculously slow pull

up the lower reaches of the charts and this is its third week at number 30. But fuck it, it's a slow week in the charts, so let's see the the video but before we get stuck into it that lad fucking hell what what is what what what well what why why clown why why yeah he's i mean look powell has been told right to ditch the waistcoat but i wouldn't notice because of that bizarre sudden appearance of basically zammo and a guy dressed as a soldier. You know, this is the kind of wackiness. Yeah. Cop uniform type shit that isn't fun.

It's just exhaustingly and aggravatingly inconsequential and pointless. And it's exactly what Zoo are all about. I mean, people go on about Tank Top Boy in the appearance of Starman but why is no one talking about this? He looks like Ralph Wiggum at one of Simon's

Romo nights, doesn't he? It's amazing. Has his mum done that? What's going through that lad's head? I'd love to interview him. With ketchup, it's like he's just kind of fallen face yeah he's got overtired and he's just fallen face down into his fish fingers and you know yes and not looked in the mirror afterwards how did he go to school the next day yeah i mean just how could you and live and live? Why does this happen? I'm just, I'm still confused.

But it's not that sort of happy, it's an angry confusion. Yeah. He's probably dead now. Yeah. Top of the pop's doing this deliberately. Oh, look at you normal people trying to be like Zoo and failing. Maybe, maybe. But this is the entry point for me in Food Giant, as Taylor calls meatloaf.

I mean, I'd heard them, and I'd seen that image of the motorbike coming out of the grave with all bats around it loads of times, but I thought they were a heavy metal band. And this is the first time I'd actually seen him. And fucking hell, what an introduction. Let's unpick this video

from front to back I mean Meeks in a pub with his mates who were all wearing t-shirts with his name on it just like Ode Alton but you know it makes it look like it's Meatloaf Stag do doesn't it well they all kind of barrel in at the start like everyone else is just hanging out and they're

expecting to have another boring night and there's a kind of a gang of a gang of awesome women just just kind of yeah just just hanging out mind their own business and then this bunch of guys kind of fall in just like whooping and yelling and i think they've just been to a they've just been to a game or done a game or something so he's in his standard outfit of a waistcoat with a frilly shirt which I always call a lans shirt because I used to work in a factory in Ucknell and there was this one

labourer called Lance who was a bit sucker and he had one shirt which he wore every time he went out which had all that frilly shit down the front and my mum used to wash it and iron it for her it the other thing he used to wear all the time was um was when uh as soon as the weather picked up and and this was an indication

of that that summer was finally coming he had a pair of shorts with the bananas and pineapples on them which was so tight that um his bollocks would would flop out over the side. And you'd be kind of like working in the factory and all of a sudden, right across the other end of the factory, and it was an enormous barn, you'd hear people starting to bang on their workbenches and cheer. And then the next thing you know,

Lance is coming down with his bollocks swinging out of his shorts. And everyone would start banging on the benches and singing here comes summer and that's when you knew what a lovely moment yeah it was good so yeah he's wearing a

land shirt and he's in the pub with his mates he's wearing a viennetta with a waistcoat yes yes so it's like a kind of, it's like an unholy amalgam of dessert and snooker. Yeah. And he's essentially trying to cop off with Cher,

who looks like Amy Winehouse's mam, through the medium of song. It's essentially an update of You're the One That I Want, but with less fairground rides and more pissy lager which i mean the other one that i want was so massive it's still fresh in people's heads at this point and this has that same musical duet vibe i mean i think this video this video is one of the reasons i do love this song it's one of the greatest sort of non-bollywood bollywood videos ever um i mean for starters yeah like like you've mentioned Cher looks fucking amazing and and

Meat looks like a geek which is what he is they have a real charge to their interactions when you contrast this with say Meatloaf and Lorraine Crosby in the um I would do anything for love video it's so completely different there's also Shades of West Side Story yeah as well in the kind of divided sexual dynamic of the set. But people basically, everyone involved here is throwing down their best shit. The backing people, Meat, Cher. Meat has the first verse and he plays it just right.

Just really good miming. A little bit scarily obsessive. Yes. And sort of not playing a role so much as just being himself. A geeky kid with a really amazing voice. And when it comes to Cher, she just fucking owns her verse

and she looks sensational. That to me is sex. The way Cher looks. It was at that point in my life. That was what I understood about adult sexuality. That is sex. She looks fucking amazing in this video. She's essentially playing a role in Mask

three years in advance here, isn't she? Yeah, she is a little bit. But the details become so important to the energy and the joy of this video. Little things, like the way that she chews gum. Yeah. And the slight smile she has. And the red rag that's in Meatloaf's hand.

Kind of halfway between security blanket and someone's purloined underwear. That's really important as well. You know, if it was a competition, I would say Cher wins this song. She bosses this fucking video. She's so sexy. Yeah, very much so. Very much so. It is like, and her legs, her fucking legs.

And she's got this teeny tiny weenie leather miniskirt on a leather jacket and her hair is massive and her eyes are rude and yeah she sort of there's a there's a bit just everything she's doing is is so if you were there you would you would literally be a living drooling emoji in response to this so and for me it's really important it's an important record in terms of how i think about meatloaf because you know how with some artists you can sort of hate everything they've done but love one thing i mean i know we're meant to like meatloaf because he's clearly a nice guy but i find most of his music that kind of overflorid jim steinman operatic stuff i find it pretty revolting in fact operatic in general

in general when applied to pop I think operatic is not something I like I don't like it it's that instantly overly rich florid thing that Queen perfected and that kind of leaves me cold even though Todd Rundgren was involved in Bat Out of Hell and I'll admit that Steinman's

sort of simultaneous love of Phil Spector and Bruce Springsteen that idea that you could tear that music away from gritty authenticity and just accentuate the histrionics of it is, you know, it's a good project. But I won't listen to any Meat Loaf song apart from this one. What blew my mind this week? Sister Sledge Greatest Dancer and it was mind blowing to all of us that the lyrics are actually oh wow he's the greatest dancer

not you wonder why honestly you're going to think I'm so fucking stupid but I only just realised this week that it's rock and roll and brew I thought it was rue I thought it was rue I thought it was some New Orleans reference or about kangaroos or something

until this week until this week I'm such an idiot rock and roll and a white sauce for lasagna I know I know I know

it makes no sense but but yeah I only figured out it's been and of course all the chef that recently departed us well quite

quite but I mean look it's finally this song makes more sense. But when you're a kid, you're not really looking for sense. You're just looking for this bombardment. I remember loving this video. And even at age nine, as I was,

Cher set off feelings that were powerful and palpable, most definitely. I mean, I hate the term brew anyway for beer. Because it just sounds like, when you say brew, to me, it means fart. I'm brewing a beefy Eggo. Not tea, not a cup of tea. Yes, tea, yes, yes.

Rock and roll and tea, and a cup of tea and then I sit down. They don't mean a thing when I compare them next to thee. I love my American pop craze youngsters. But if I was ever in a pub with them and they offered me a brew, I would chuck it in the face. But particularly if they said brewski, I fucking hate that. Have a pint, you cunts. Rock and roll and a pint.

Rock and roll and some Stella. It just doesn't scan, man. I mean, you know, you've got to work with, you know. If it's any consolation, Neil, I used to think, probably because of the shitty stereos that I would have first heard this on and not hearing it in context or not paying attention to the rest of the lyrics, I thought it was rock and rolling through. Ah, which would make more sense than rolling. There you go, something completely different.

Which also I was like, but then the song was over and I hadn't really thought about it, but it's so great, it's such a joy, isn't it? The whole thing, the video is so good, the song is so good, it's just, the energy of it is, I mean, it's a full, the actual

full video is a good five minutes, and it just zips by. And it is i mean it's it's a full the actual full video is is a good five minutes and it just zips by and it tells a story i mean the the story is actually a little bit bleak once you pick at it because it is like two it's a couple of sad lonely people who go to a bar all the time just to drink because they don't know what else to do and then it's like she's got a bloke on ain't she has she yes what do you mean she's got a bloke on, ain't she? Has she? Yes. What do you mean she's got a bloke on? She says, I'm looking for anonymous and fleeting satisfaction. And I want to tell my daddy I'll be missing in action. Ever since I can remember you've been hanging around this joint,

my daddy never noticed. Now he finally get the point. Now, obviously, 1982 me, we think, oh, a dad. She wants to piss her dad off. Yeah. By knocking off meatloaf. But obviously obviously it's a it's a husband stroke partner oh shit my daddy never noticed but after he finds out i've been

knobbing you he's he's gonna uh he's gonna go yeah beat up meatloaf which you must not do i mean must be protected so it's gonna end badly we know that yeah because i don't think meat can cope i don't think he i don't think anyone could cope with just what a tornado of what a force of nature share is in this video and at least like if me if me and his mates they're like a kind of slightly dweebier version of of the t-birds out of greece whereas whereas sharing her mates they're like that moment in goodfellas when k Karen meets all the other mob wives. They're much more hardcore. So yeah, there is that imbalance.

But that's what's glorious about it. That's what's glorious about it. They're like the Lizzies out of the Warriors. They're like an actual girl gang, aren't they? Yes. The chicks are packing. The chicks are packed! It's a true, true duet.

There's a balance there. And I have to say Cher wins. It's not, there's not a male. Oh, she's in control. There's not a male putting across his, you are going to be mine type shit. It's much more nuanced than that. It's much more balanced.

And that's what makes it such a thrilling and exciting record. Because during its duration, you really don't know how it's going to play out. They're not already in love. They are sparking across a bar. And that's what's exciting about yes that's about the song yeah she's calling his bluff isn't she basically it's just yeah and i love the whole you're saying the kind of the stare and he does do that he's you know kind of playing opposite and it is playing opposite because there's a lot of you know there is that dramatic thing which again which leaves

me cold in that yeah that most of again, which leaves me cold in that. Yeah, most of his music does leave me cold in the same way that you said, Neil. But also as a performer, he's so, there's so much there, there's so much energy. And there's this kind of slight mania, but it's not threatening. It's not aggressive. It's not, you know, so they kind of come, they all come barreling in, hooting and we're some guys. And he does this thing, he does this stare, which is basically, it's kind of a cartoon thing.

It's like a sort of Tex Avery wolf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he sees a chair, and it's like, and you think he's going to take off his shoe and hit himself in the head with it. It's like, ooh. But it's totally serious and totally intense the best bit for me is when she's doing her pieces and uh one of meatloaf's mates is obviously gabbing onto him but he just

he just turns around and just raises the hand for him to talk to and i just say what did that lad say did he say oh fucking hell they've got Pac-Man now come on let's have a go he's like no no no the woman is so it's great it's really respectful actually because it's like look the woman is talking

yes let the woman talk also I might be very be very quiet it's like I might be in with a chance don't move a muscle

it's great yeah so all these are so many little moments like that that are just wonderful yeah and yeah also the fact that i i have to say that that share is swigging from a like a glass from a pint glass from a tankard and yes you know and it's not her first one either and she that is

a woman who can hold a beer if you will it's a stein yeah yeah a steinman quite stein man yeah but yeah so we get to the point where meat lays on some awful chat-up lines. You know, you've got the legs that do more than walk. You've got the eyes that do more than see. He might as well have chucked in, you've got the kind of arse that does more than shit. Because that always goes down well with women, I find, when I use that one. And we learn that Cher has got a bloke on,

but she's up for some saucy fun. A Cher out, if you will. And then all of a sudden, some of those lads who they're beginning, they've obviously nipped off and they've come back dressed up as if they've come off their shift as an Il Divo tribute act. Or, you know, they've been playing snooker. And they just hoik Cher and Meat up on the bar. And this is where my suspension of disbelief wavered

because it only took two of them to get meet up there and he is 20 stone at the time. So neither of them look like Jeff Capes. So I'm assuming wires were involved. And they do the dancing on the bar thing, which, you know, was very popular in the 80s. Because as I've said before, there was a disco was a a disco bar

in nottingham uh used to be known as new york new york and there were flyers that said yes our bar staff do wear shorts and dance on the bar but you want to go to that bar though don't you i mean that's like a that's an excellent yeah um that's like a proper dive bar of yeah the sort that is that is precious and must be defended that you don't really get here, you sort of do there's still some dive bars but it's really an American

thing and it's really you want to go there, you want to either dance on the bar or stand underneath and watch someone else dancing on it and the atmosphere is like crackling yeah yeah yeah i mean i probably thought this is what all pubs were like around about this time i was massively disappointed when i turned 18 but um i mean you know sheer leaves at the end uh to

cut herself a slice of loaf if you will whilst hoping she doesn't get the crust and everyone else just has a lovely time i got it into my head the stag do vibe because everyone's wearing a t-shirt with his name on it and i just thought you know you have all these businesses that organize hen do's and stag do's and it's all boring shit like paintballing and airsofting and making a pot and all this kind of stuff why hasn't anybody set up a business where you have the hen do and the stag do on the same night? And at a certain point, everybody meets up and they recreate the video for Dead Ringer.

How fucking amazing would that be? That would be amazing. It would be awesome. But I mean, the lovely thing is, Hal, what you mentioned earlier, you know, there's nobody winching him onto the bar or anything. Meatloaf size is never mentioned in this record and or mentioned in the video or even obliquely joked about or anything like that and it i'm not saying as an age nine age ten i wouldn't

have i wouldn't have been thinking about this much but what this record is about and this video in particular is about is that you know i mean we've all mentioned you're the one that i want because it was obviously such a powerful and powerful influence on so many things but you know, I mean, we've all mentioned you're the one that I want because it was obviously such a powerful and palpable influence on so many things. But, you know, you're the one that I want. That's the two best looking people in the film. Yeah. Getting off with each other. Yeah.

Whereas this just, I don't know, it provides hope. Yes. Ordinarily, it provides hope. If you're somebody like me, if you're somebody like me, you might think somebody who looks as astonishing as Cher does in this video is out of your league. But no, it's just about confidence, love, ability, energy, etc. It's a really good singing. It's an uplifting thing in that sense. That is Meat Loaf's whole thing, though, isn't it?

Is that his extreme vulnerability that he just deals with, but the extreme sort of courage that goes along with that, that he just deals with but the extreme sort of courage that goes along with that that he just is I mean like even the fact that he took his kind of cruel high school nickname on and gave himself that's his name he just absorbed it

and took it on that's what I love about him really I mean look I have found him absurd and embarrassing before and sort of laughed at him and thought of him as a joke but I kind of

now that I have matured a bit I see it differently because it's like, this is somebody who's actually kind of come from really, you know, there's some really dark, painful stuff in his past. His father was a kind of alcoholic shithead who beat him and he had to sort of escape and ended up going to LA just because it's like, I need to go somewhere. And that's the first flight out of Dallas.

And so that's why, and it could all have gone really badly wrong really early for him, you know, and he was, and he was always big and he was always like the, you know, and that is a difficult thing to be. It's difficult for big women, but it's also, it's possibly now more difficult for big guys to be in the public eye

or to present themselves as sexy in any way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there kind of isn't the cultural, the culture kind of doesn't allow it. There's a lot of pressure to say, no, that's not going to be your role. That's not what you are. You're the joke.

And he's kind of done that. He sort of pushed through it. And he's like, yeah, I'm the joke. But without getting hung up on that, like, yeah, I'm the joke. So what? Yeah, I'm fat. Yeah, fuck you.

He's gone, gone like trucked right past that and just punched through somehow but also just as a performer obviously a great singer one of the you know just incredibly powerful voice and just a huge generosity as a performer and a complete seriousness in what he's doing and he cares so so much there's a couple of documentaries that i've seen about him and there was one where he talks about it's really moving he talks about how much he cares for his audience for his fans and all he wants is to make them happy and he's like crying and you will cry you watch this and you go oh my god and there are so many people who um you know there are so many people who

um you know there are so many performers who are sort of trying to fill some kind of yawning void that they that is never and i don't know i think there's you know there's a lot of sort of deeply wounded fragile people who who get drawn into you know who are also very talented who get who get drawn into uh you know who who end up as with more fame than they can handle. It's very difficult. But I think there's something to be said for whether you enjoy their shit or not. And Meatloaf, for the most part, I don't. But it's not for me.

But I'm so grateful to him. I feel like you should be grateful for people who devote their lives and their whole selves to entertaining others. Whether it's for you or not, it's like just, you know, they have got something to teach. I think he was sent to teach us something about how to live about how to fully inhabit the self

and be endlessly generous with whatever it is that you have to give of yourself and i don't think we deserve him to be honest i would say right that commercially obviously bat have held his biggest record and of course none of us ever want to hear it ever again no um but this particular song dead ringer for love what he's created is that really special thing it's a record you never need to find and you don't need to put it on in your house but you will encounter this might be three years four years five years from now who knows but when it comes on you'll feel that charge and you'll never need to hear it again for another year or so after that but every time this comes on and it will come on on the radio or in a pub and and that that'll do you don't need to seek out this music it will come

at you every three years and it will excite you and it still does you know we're all familiar with this and i must have watched this video loads and loads of times but it's it's an endless thrill it's a hugely enjoyable video isn't it? It's so happy. And massively so important at this point in the episode. I mean think of what's come before. We've just had fucking Alton Edwards for Christ's sake. We need this. We need this.

And we do deserve this I think after that. But it's like yeah going back to like the last bit where basically Cher, it's everything is over. You know the battle is over. The battle of the sexes has been won and everybody wins. And they go off and he's got his arm around her and his little red hanky of victory is flapping in the breeze. And they go off into the night to do stuff and to do God knows what. And Cher is going to do a lot to him and he's going to like it.

And then, yeah, everyone else just dances and it's like such a it's like a celebration of it's like a celebration of someone else like yeah they've got off to have sex yes yeah and and like it's a celebration of the end of the song because it just dare drink a full of dare drink and it just said, Dead Ringer for Love, Dead Ringer. And it just pounds like that for like a minute. And it's such a kind of meta celebration of what they're doing and what you can do in your life. And it's wonderful. Casual sex.

Casual sex. So the following week, Dead Ringer for Love moved up four places to number 26, then soared 19 places to number seven, then dropped down to number nine and then resurged to number five, where it stayed for two weeks. properly when Mark Ellen interviewed him at his home in Connecticut which started with Loaf getting so worked up about his falling out with Steinman and his money problems that he had to take

a shower. By which time a sheriff had turned up with legal documents from his ex-manager demanding his house and ended with Loaf running out of the house with a baseball bat jumping into his car and roaring after the sheriff. Bloody hell, there's a feature that writes

itself yeah the follow-up if you really want to would only get to number 59 in may of 1983 but he'd have sporadic chart success in the uk throughout the 80s and would undergo a renaissance in the mid 90s when i'd do anything for love but i't do that. Got to number one for seven weeks in late 1993. And Cher would go on to become you are, but you're a real dead ring of four, no. A real dead ring of four, no. Hello, my darlings. It's me, Anna Mann, actress, singer, welder. Gotta have a backup.

I've been in everything, my darlings, and I've been cut from most things. However, I will not be cut from one thing, and that is my own podcast, Talking to Actors with Anna Mann, where I meet those rarest of creatures, the actors. That's Talking to Actors. Look out for the new series starting soon on The Great Big Hour. That's Meatloaf, dead ringer for love. And he's a big gun.

I'll bet you that girl within his share. OK, here's the new outfit. They come from Eastbourne. They call themselves The Mobiles. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Powell, in front of some more gurning, clapping zoo wankers, goes on about what a big lad meatloaf is again and lays a bet that the woman in the video was Cher because unbelievably there was an actual time when people had to be reminded who Cher was. Then he introduces us to a new outfit from Eastbourne, Mobiles with Drowning in Berlin. Formed in Eastbourne in 1980,

Mobiles were signed to Rialto Records a year later, and this is their debut single. It's a new entry in the UK chart at number 48, which is good enough to get them a slot on an early January top of the pops. Here they are in the studio, and oh dear, the six-form drama group have discovered a beat-a-max of Cabaret at the local video rental shop. I mean, before we get into the song and everything, why the obsession with Germany in the early 80s?

Well, because Germany, in a pop sense, had been exerting an influence for some while. So, Kraftwerk, but more importantly, Bowie and his whole burning period in Eno and and everyone else and it does reach this kind of zenith 8182 things like associates new car in germany but also those early simple minds albums there is just this obsession with germany partly borrowed from bowie but just yeah for that kind of glacial cool that they're all looking for and i do think what you've mentioned cabaret um repeated screenings of that on telly probably had a powerful powerful effect as well so it is it is a motif that's kind of everywhere my theory is that for 70s kids germany or at least germany a few decades earlier was the second most fascinating country in the world after America. But, you know, by this point,

we'd experienced World War II and Nazi burnout by this time. You know, we're moving away from battle and commando. But, you know, Kraftwerk, the highest new entry at number 21 with a model this week. We've just had Ball with David Bowie on the telly, Christiana F. And we're about to have Da Da Da by Trio and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.

So yeah, we're all open to the former West Germany, I feel. Yeah, yeah. But whereas previous kind of interest in Germany had perhaps been because, you know, it was the frontier of the Cold War, if you like. And it's where, you know,

all of our pontifications and kind of artiness about the Cold War actually was ground in concrete reality. So people kind of appealed to it to get that kind of feeling of dread, in a sense, into their music. By this time, by 82, we are now, I think, in a sort of differently superficial age, if you like, and its treatment of kind of that cabaret feel is much more superficial.

So the intended effect of what we see with this particular song is meant to be kind of germanic cabaret like but the the actual effect of it is is substantially less than that um not helped by any of the band the mobiles or their awful song drowning in berlin it's an appalling confection isn't't it? It is. I mean, what we have here, we have this sort of sub-Susie slash Toya front woman fronting this... Shaking

Susie. Yeah, fronting this kind of... All the band are at it, to be honest with you. This kind of marionette somewhere between automaton and human feel. It's meant to be unsettling, but actually I think it's meant to be unsettling but actually i think it's much less unsettling than that bit in chitty chitty bang bang when uh dick van dyke pops out of the music box you know there's so much to dislike here um i don't like the drummer's

stick twirls i don't like in general the kind of blonde look of the band it's good it's this village of the birdland type look, so that's an obscure reference. But it's... And there's this appalling circus moment in the middle of the song where... That's a fairground thing, isn't it? Because they're from Eastbourne, as he so help us.

Oh, I see. How so help me. So they really, they do lay it on a bit thick. It's like that's their... It's a carousel organ, isn't it? Definitely. Which is too... It is too much. Well, the middle eight, it's like that's there. It's a carousel organ, isn't it? Which is too, it is too much.

Well, the middle eight, it's sobre las olas. Is that what that is? Over the waves, which is, yeah, it's the waltz written by the Mexican composer Juventino Rosas at the age of 20 in 1888, which is better known as the merry-go-round song. And no, he didn't get a credit. So fuck them.

I'm glad I got the chance to put some Mexican reference in it because, you know, we've been in the top 10 music comedy charts in Mexico. So I want to give a big shout out to the pot-crazed young Staiross. Yeah. Hola. Accompanied with these really kind of wacky looks to camera, that kind of, hey, look at me making a twat

of myself self-deprecatory chuckle at the business we are the robots yeah this kind of chuckle at the beginning the business of being a pop star i always hated that and really it's no different to what you could imagine i don't know racy or shawaddy what he doing at the same time that kind of chuckle towards the camera so yeah i yeah, I mean... Anna Marie, the singer. I mean, she's doing textbook Aventus female singer faces, which essentially means look mad. Yeah, yeah. Ooh, she's doing the starey eyes. And strangle yourself at some point.

The thing is, there is a way to do that, which is to do that highly stylised performance without it being pretentious or unnatural in any way. And there are people like Susie and like Kate Bush who who obviously can summon that kind of weird that witchy artistic power and unfortunately Anne-Marie is is is not one of them but I'd I'm gonna sort of stick up for this a little bit because not that it isn't terrible but go ahead there's kind of okay it's because just skipping skipping ahead slightly, Peter Powell afterwards says, look out for them. They're going to be big in 82.

And, of course, we know that, narrator, they were not big in 82, and nor at any point afterwards. This was their flash in the pan. This was their go to continue the fairground metaphor. Pannenflaschen, as they say in Germany. Yes, that's Parnenblaschen. Yeah, this was their go at the hooker duck and they hooked the duck and then the duck fell off

and they were never heard of again. And look, there's something about, right, all English seasides are weird. That's just, that's what they are. They're weird, there's different, that's the glory of them, that's the allure. I love, it is my thing. There's various categories of weird.

There are different axes of weird. I don't know if you've been to Eastbourne. I went to Eastbourne last year. Eastbourne is kind of in the posh weird category. It's quite grand and stiff and proper and tea roomy and kind of humorless and dainty. And it's that sort of weird.

And it is the sort of... Look, there's a million British bands that have come from strange little nowhere towns. There is something else about seaside towns because there's the shitness and the kind of the poverty and the you know the the lack of opportunity but there is also the sea you know there's there's kind of this the the most powerful force in nature is right there all the time and that is it's quite an inspiring thing but also this is like this is one way out of your out of your crappy seaside town where you know full of full of grannies who look at you disapprovingly and they they were trying to bust through and they did not have quite the right thing and quite the right energy and whatnot to bust through but i can see how there was that spark and it it it didn't catch because they didn't have it in them

you know they didn't have to they had some of the ideas and they had some of the something but it didn't all quite come together but they got to top of the pops they got to top of the pops yeah and made it to the dance they made it to the dance and and i i just on my second because on my first watch of this i was like oh god and i i had that feeling just got oh look at the state of this look what they're doing it's it's sit down you're embarrassing yourselves the mobiles uh but but like i appreciate i appreciate them that they were they had they had their go, and that is now a matter of record,

and we can watch it and go, They've been on top of the pubs more than we have. They have been on top of the pubs. They have. And the thing is, I'm a soft arse. You've got a good heart, Sarah. And that's hard to find. Please be gentle with this arse of mine. So yeah, it's, oh God, you see, we didn't need to bring fergal shark into this um but yeah it is it is kind of terrible but i i have a there's a i

have a feeling for it that is that is positive so i looked i'd look them up the thing is it's too tightened up and too careful and too english and um it's kind of like they've had a go at fusion cookery and it's inedible, you know, and it's not right. But there's some ideas there. There's some eccentricity kind of struggling to get out. And it's like you're playing at being eccentric very, very carefully and studiedly when actually you can just be eccentric and it's fine. Just take a page from the meatloaf book of being yourself and be that but there you go but that's what that's what they had and they gave it their best shot and i looked them up and in um in a terrible archive copy of the eastbourne herald in 2006 uh i discovered that um they released

the cd of this of the album that this track is from for the first time. And, you know, so it says where it's a sort of, where are they now thing? And it's like, you know, well she, um, you know, now lives in Seaford is married with children,

works in the health profession. Um, and, you know, and she's, so, you know, having a normal life as a lot of people do once they've got,

I mean, they probably escaped a lot of shit. That's the thing is it's like you got on top of the pops one time and then you went and had a normal life. And, you know, I'm sure there was a crushing disappointment. You got dropped from your label and things did not work out. But hopefully now they're OK.

And yeah. And they were like, oh, you know, so Dave, Dave Blundell, band's bass player and songwriter, said, you know, everything was on vinyl. Oh, he's the one who's the robot Joel Grey and got right on my chest. Yeah. Yeah. Shut up, Dave. I am doing my thing. It's not very good.

But he said it was all such an adventure. I am German. He said it was all such an adventure for us. We were just a band practicing in the drive pub. The first week, Drowning in Berlin was released in the local record shop. Max Records, it outsold the then number one Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure by three to one. the drive pub the first week drowning in berlin was released in the local record shop max records it outsold the then number one queen and david bowie's under pressure by three to one one minute we were doing gigs in eastbourne and the next minute we got we got a call saying they wanted

us to do top of the pops they were very exciting times for us all and we had a wonderful time doing it all and and anna said good good for that it's all been very exciting and surreal to see the album on CD. So that's nice, isn't it? Yeah. I'm always the one who's like, oh, isn't it nice? Things can be nice. Let's all be nice. But that's fucking nice. Sorry, let me have this moment.

And I'm happy for them that it seems to have worked out for them. And I hope that continued. And we didn't get any zoo wankery either. No zoo wankery. Also, we see the audience member who's dressed as a copper having a slow dance with a black girl, which is what the country needed at the time. Heal those divisions, yes.

Yeah. I mean, the rare thing about the German-ness is that a few months later, as mentioned before, I went to Germany on a school exchange and the youths there weren't interested in German-ness at all. They were into Queen and Bob Marley. And I went to a German school disco, and We Will Rock You came on,

and all the German kids just dropped to their knees right at the beginning, and they started genuflecting in time to the drumbeat, while all the British kids were just standing there going, what the fuck is this? I heard De Commissar by Falco there for the first time, which I thought was a fucking amazing song. I was shocked that it didn't become a hit in the UK.

After the fire had a hit with it. But that's a tune and we missed out on it. So we're stupid cunts for that. Going back to what you were saying about what is the thing about Germany? What's the allure? I think it's partly that there is just a sort of cultural connection that was there to be discovered, I think, between us and Germany. There's a sort of, in some ways, there's notions of the sort of order and precision of the German way of doing things and the language even and the accent and everything.

And that sort of cuts across and is quite alluring to us as kind of mannered English people who are a bit stiff. And it's like, so it's a different way of being sort of controlled and precise about things. And also the sense of humor as well, I think, is something that is a connection because, you know, obviously the myth is that Germans don't have a sense of humour and actually they are the funniest people. They're fucking hysterical.

What a shame there wasn't a German band at the time who did a song called Drowning in Birmingham. What would they say? What would their version of Zinzia Line in Berlin be, Neil? I don't, man, because you know I said I'm working in Birmingham now and my accent's changing. I'll tell you one thing, though, on the quiet.

If you're in an office or a staff room, right, with a load of brummies, don't do a brummie accent. They really don't find it amusing in the slightest. Oh my God. I did that on the first day I was there. Don't find it amusing in the slightest. Oh, my God. I did that on the first day I was there. Didn't make many friends.

Oh, no. I know. It's all water under the bridge. The other thing is, the other thing to annoy... I can't even say Brummagens or whatever. People from Birmingham. You know how they're really... In Birmingham, they're really pushing the Peaky Blinders thing.

You know, don't point out to them that it's not working and they'll be forever known as Benny Town to the rest of us. It's everywhere, man. It's everywhere, that Peaky Blinders thing. Near where I work in Birmingham. Yeah, I mean, calling them yim-yams pisses them off as well actually because they're not yim-yams.

Yim-yams are from the black country. They're actually yow-yows. Yow-y Yow Yows right also they really don't like it when you point out that they say mom instead of mum

they hate that yeah because every year they get pissed off when they have to buy their mum a birthday card because it doesn't say mom on it

so order it from America then obviously so the following week drowning in Berlin entered the top 40 at number 30 then it so the following week drowning in berlin entered the top 40 at number 30 then it soared 17 places to number 13 and two weeks later it got to number nine its highest position this forced lead singer anna marie to pack in her day job at super drug in eastbourne as she would be mobbed every weekend by pop craze youngsters,

according to the internet. However, the follow-up, Amor Amor, was dismissed in the smash hit single review page as drowning in Vienna. Very good. And would only get to number 45. The next five singles, including a cover of Build Me Up Buttercup,

failed to chart and they split up in 1984. Front person Anna Marie and guitarist Russ Madge went off to form the synth duo The Avengers while keyboard player John Smithson joined Jason Bonham's band Bonham. My mind goes in, out it goes. Show me it's true. I trust in you. Drowning in Berlin. That's The Mobiles, a track called Drowning in Berlin. And that is their first time on Top of the Pops.

Look out for them, they're going to be big in 82. Here's the charts, number 30. At 30, Dead Ringer for Love from Meat Loaf. At 29, Lunatics Have Taken Over the Asylum, The Fun Boy 3. At 28, Wild Is The Wind, David Bowie. At 27, Stars Over 45 from Chaz and Dave. At 26, Don't Walk Away, The Four Tops. At 25, our theme tune, Yellow Pearl, Philip Lynott.

At 24, Four more from Toya. At 23, Hokey Cokey, the Snowmen. At 22, Bedsitter from Soft Cell. And at 21, Computer Love from Kraftwerk. But now let's take a look at a record just underneath that top 40. The band

The Shack Attack. It's jazz funk at its best with a track called Easier Said Than Done. After being completely wrong about the mobile's dominance of 1982, Powell runs down the chart from number 30 to number 21. And, oh dear, chaps, them band photos, they're disappointingly adequate, aren't they, as always? They are. They're getting bland uh adequate aren't they as always they are they're getting bland now yes and and it's part of the kind of ongoing things that hurl is doing those kind of little idiosyncratic shots that we remember so fondly from previous episodes have kind of disappeared these look like they're straight from the record company straight from the press good to see the snowmen still hanging in there though wasn't there a rumor going around that

it was ian jure which was a complete load rumour going round that it was Ian Durer, which was a complete load of bollocks? Yeah, it was a complete load. The only interesting thing about that rundown for me was Powell still referring to Kraftwerk's latest single as Computer Love, when in a previous episode, we've already pointed out that Computer Love was originally released as the A-side,

but DJs weren't having it, and they flipped it over to the model. you know by this point it's the model that's the uh that's the default and the de facto a side howell's getting titles wrong he's getting all kinds of things wrong in this episode no we then cut back to the studio to reveal powell standing on a lower platform next to some of the second tier zoo wankers which makes him look about three feet tall that was a bad choice wasn't it there's a particularly statuesque female

zoo wanker who's just towering over him a sort of giantess in like gold and blue shiny tinsel and a Tory in a blazer like a young Tory I thought he was a chubby Damon Albarn.

Eventually, Powell introduces, quote, jazz funk at its best. Easier said than done by Shack Attack. Formed in Bishop Stortford in 1980, Shack Attack were originally a three-piece jazz rock group called Trax, which consisted of Bill Sharp, who was working for the BBC as an engineer,

including handling assorted John Peel sessions, Keith Winter, who was Tina Charles' musical director in the mid-70s. Fucking hell, Tina Charles is the fucking epicentre of everything, isn't she? And the session musician Roger Adele.

After linking up with the record shack label, hence the name Shack Attack, and pulling in the singers Jill Solwood and Jackie Roar and the keyboard player Nigel Wright, who had scored two chart hits in 1981 as the medley act Enigma, they put out four singles in the Aventis, three of which just missed out on the top 40. This is the follow-up to Brazilian Dawn, which got to number 48 in August of 1981,

and is the lead off track from their forthcoming second LP, Nightbirds. It slipped into the lower regions of the chart in late November, slipped down to number 51 on Christmas week but this week has resurged nine places to number 42 and here they are in the studio number 42 and they get on top of the pops, that's January you just have to be alive and available at the minute to get on top of the

pops in the first week of January in 1982 Shaq Attack, fucking hell I mean there is a ton of brilliant jazz funk, like Herbie Hancock, Donald Byrd, Bob James, Roy Ayers, all of which I avoided for at least

15 years, because I was worried they'd sound like Shack Attack. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. This is such a dull slice of jazz funk, as Peter Powell calls it with these horrible extended piano breaks and shit um and you know it's not for Top of the Pops to be fair um again we get the the powerful it's for a shopping center isn't it this is it for a brand

new food court in a shopping center that thinks it's summer but we get we get as we do quite quickly in this episode we get that stink of payola a little bit. We also get this sign that perhaps the future Funketeers who are going to take on things that Freezing Loose ends have done are going to be increasingly bland and increasingly like Shack Attack. This isn't, I don't think, the Shack Attack performance in which the keyboard player gave me a look down the camera that so antagonized me as a child. I was wondering about that.

It remains just this barbed bit of venom in my memory of how much that antagonized me. That look gave me a murderous rage. This isn't the episode or the performance where that look is given to me. But at least I could figure out which keyboard player it was. It was the guy with the pink trousers and the slight feather cut. It wasn't the other keyboard player. He's like a big beardy guy. That would have been oddly compelling, actually.

The one that looks like Giant Haystacks' little brother. Jazzy Haystacks, if you will. He looks like darts legend Andy the Viking Fordham. But the guy who does look at the camera, oh, God. You don't really want him engaging with you as a child, to be honest with you. He's the kind of overly enthusiastic, trendy teacher slash trendy vicar that you don't really want near you at any age alone as a youngster you know I'm a child leave me alone

I mean look lead singers should break the fourth wall on top of the pops now and then but you kind of want Adam Ant doing it or Kim Wilde doing it you know or even Mark Orman doing it you don't want this creepy fucker doing it

and also with this performance, Zoo are of course there to just cement my dislike of this song and this performance. Again, doing a dance that barely seems related to the music. You know, this is ostensibly funk music. And that requires a little roll of the shoulders. It requires looseness. And Zoo don't have looseness.

They can't do it. What Zoo do is this kind of shit waltz ballroom type step, broken into watching Torval and Dee. I hate them so much. And even though Zoo dominate the back of the stage, the brief glimpse we get of the audience show that the audience they know how to dance to this music yeah um they're swooping and gliding and being loose but what's foregrounded is the shit kind of robotic dancing yeah zoo and and as sarah's suggested earlier that kind of

the mess has gone though those it's the wrong kind of mess. Yeah, it is. One of the lovely things about Top of the Pops is that those ordered lines between performers and dancers and audience sometimes get a bit blurred and smudged. And that has gone now. That vaguely pell-mell feel has gone now. We've got the band there. We've got the audience there. We've got the proper dancers there.

And it will be ever thus. I didn't think it was possible to have manhattan transfer light but here we are it's like i don't know manhattan iron on or i don't know oh very good yeah it's a kind of the best you can say for it is it's a sort of uh i i don't hate the refrain i think it's quite a pleasant refrain it's been going around my head off and on in recent days and i've been okay with it because i always have music going in my head and all i can do is is i can change it sometimes i have to actually sing a thing out loud to like dislodge what is stuck in there but i can do it and a lot of time i've just let this

play because it's background in the backgrounding is way and it's all right. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's sort of a, you know, it's quite nothing.

I mean, one of the weird things about this is how too long it is given, you know, the sort of hate. Oh, it really bends the episode out of shape because, you know, you've kind of topped and tailed the glorious wonder of the Dead Ringer video.

So we don't get the whole Dead Ringer video. We get a tiny snippet of Foreigner, which, you know, fair enough. But this is so long and it doesn't do anything and it just goes on and on and on. And then it goes on a bit more. Yeah. And, you know, it's just kind of this sagging kind of baggage in the middle of this episode. Or, you know, just pulling this episode down, if that were possible. There's some interesting looks going on here.

They're such a kind of ragbag, aren't they? I mean, you've got the one token happy, hairy barbarian on the keys over there. Just Andy Fordham, as I'm going to call him from now on. I realise who else he looks like. You know the episode of Blackadder, where it's Blackadder 2 and Blackadder's skin and he has to raise £1,000 by the end of the day and so they go down to the docks and see if they can do favours for sailors.

Yes. Can you say, Mummy kiss it better and you shall have a story it looks like that guy now then how much do you charge for a good hard shack that's that he is that guy um but yeah i'm not sure so the two singers i'm not sure um apologies to to them because you know i can at least get... Jill and Jackie. Jill and Jackie. Is it Jill or is it Jackie?

Jill and Jackie, who look like they work at a new romantic medieval banqueting suite. It's that kind of thing where some bloke dressed up as Adam Ant just comes through a window halfway through and gets broken glass in your cheek. Yeah, but she's kind of trying to be sultry and she's got like part crimped hair which was the style at the time yes and sort of those i don't know she got like kind of cut off evening gloves so she's trying to you know yes or possibly just full even gloves and a lacy evening off the shoulder top which is slightly soho hostess isn't it it's a bit and they both have on the same massive taffeta skirt yes one of them yes the blonde looks a little bit like liz truss i'm really sorry and but i it's as usual i find something endearing in it which is that she

at one point she's trying to be sultry and then at one point she sort of breaks character a bit and almost starts giggling. And I love to see that when people who are really enjoying themselves on Top of the Pops, but also I love to see people just collapsing a bit under the weight of the duffness of it all and the duffness of themselves, maybe. Like it just suddenly occurs to them, this is ridiculous what we're doing here.

Isn't this silly? There's a little bit of that. The problem is they are kind of like the two members of Shack Attack that you remember, but they're being poorly served in this performance simply because they look like zoo wankers. They might as well be zoo wankers. They're right next to the zoo wankers,

dressed like zoo wankers. And then all of a sudden they start singing. It's like, oh, fuck. What, are zoos singing now? Oh, they're part of the band. And this is the thing about zoo. It's like Top of, fuck. What, are Zoo singing now? Oh, they're part of the band. And this is the thing about Zoo. It's like Top of the Pops has gone, oh, yeah, band musicians playing musical instruments

on a music show. That's boring. People don't want to see that. They want to see some dance. So we cut to shots of Zoo dancing. You see two of them doing a bit of Brian Rogers connecting. And then you've got um city farm at the back and it's blatantly obvious that unless flick colby tells them what to do they can't even

fucking dance on joe podgy damon albert he's terrible it's like your fucking dad at your 21st birthday do it's appalling this extra incorporation of dance into the show it kills the energy of the show that's the thing top of the pops yes creation is all about the maintaining of energy at this point right i reckon this record got chose because they thought oh zoo will be able to do a dance routine today yes but if you're a kid at home watching it you have gone through this episode right you started off with yellow pearl great then a sudden drop in energy then an up in energy with meatloaf then a drop in energy with the mobiles you want something now which is not jazz funk for 30 somethings you know you want something that's exciting and this is purely there you feel to showcase zoo to showcase their maneuvers and yes this is a pop

music show this is not a dance show. This is not the hot shoe show. Yeah. So, you know, I suspect that the incorporate... The sweaty leotard show. Yeah, I mean, I suspect the use of Shack Attack here is to get Zoo front and centre. And, you know, just like anything associated

with that dance troupe, it fails. And by this point in the show, I would be getting, you know, Shack Attack Guy hasn't even looked at me and I'd be furious. Because of the sheer just drop off here. We've had Dead Ringer for Love like five minutes ago, but all that adrenaline is now

gone. Spent, just like Meatloaf probably is by this time. To be fair, that is a, you know, it's a video, so that is's a video so that's sort of removed from the whole thing anyway. But obviously what you want is just for them to play that whole thing three times.

The thing is, you actually do want to see Shag Attack going about the business. Simply so you can just coat them down. I mean, Bill, right, he doesn't give you that look. But oh man, number one, he's got red trousers on. Where are you? Shiny red trousers on. Yeah, yeah. Shiny red trousers. Sticking his arse right out.

Boots, yeah. Yeah, it's like he's... Sticking his arse right out, either to display it or because he actually can't stand up straight in those trousers. But it is like a sort of mating display. It's like he's going, oh, don't I look like a baboon? He's got that keyboard thing again, isn't it? It's like, oh, I'm standing up at a keyboard what

do i do i know i look like i'm having a shit no but that's the thing with standing up at a keyboard right we had to cancel rehearsal earlier than night so i couldn't sit down and play keyboards right i was around my mate's house uh yeah and she's got a keyboard set up in a back room so we were having a bit of rehearsal and then i sing song and i had to stand up because there was no seat adequate enough for the height of this keyboard. And it makes you do these things. It makes you point fingers out to an imaginary crowd out there.

It makes you just suddenly act in a really, really 80s way. Why do they do that though, Neil? I mean, what I'm trying to say, I don't need no fucking stool. I've got jazz and funk. I do not get it. I mean, it's not...

I sit on them. It's not even as if he's going between two different keyboards or something. He's just got this one keyboard. Just sit fucking down, man. You're not adding to anything. Standing up like that. Or raise the fucking stand. Why hasn't anybody

worked out? Why hasn't anybody in the musical instrument industry worked out a stand that you could adjust to get the proper fucking height. These things exist, but yeah. If it exists, fucking use them. There's some poor sod at the front of this stage.

They're not getting on the telly. They're having to peer through this forest of zoo wankers. And what are they looking at now? They're looking at Bill Watts' name's red arse. His red shiny arse that's it which he must be massively proud of because he's made that decision i don't think that was a decision made by michael hurl or anything that's a decision by shack attack because

i remember look that so enraged me he was in exactly doing the same shit he wasn't sat down he was at a keyboard that wasn't at quite the right height. Sort of, yeah, jabbing his arse out. He's not got a great arse. No, he hasn't. So I don't see what you're so proud about it for.

Sit down, man. Oh God, this is what self-isolation does for a man. You end up having a conversation about Bill Watts

it out of Shaq Attack's arse. No. This is healthy arm this is healthy let's just let it all out let it all out man we've not even discussed the bassist who's wearing a pale future

jumpsuit and it looks like Nick Drake if those antidepressants he was on had actually worked instead of killing him yeah that's it's bad it might just need a belt to bring it together maybe i did enjoy there was there was a lot to look at there and i would i have to i have to say i would those uh bills white cowboy boots with cuban heels i'd wear the fuck out of

those although i have to say public service investment i did but i did get some like cheap white boots because it's like i'm gonna yeah, yeah that'll look great and they do look great and the first time I wore them they got like oil on them Oh no, how? I don't know because that's you know, because God hates the vanity of anyone who wears white basically so you just can't, white shoes

it's just like haha fuck you and he sent the oil directly to my shoes So you got some white boots with oil on them Simon's got some white platform boots with oil on them simon's got some white platform boots with blood on them neil yeah hmm i'll call what have you got on your white boots i swear to god i wear you know black boots all the time and it's not just that the oil doesn't show up it's literally not there because because that's just not how the world works yeah and i think the sooner we learn that the better it's literally not there because because that's just not how the world works yeah

and i think the sooner we learn that the better it's not only that the zoo wankers to the back of us and zoo wankers to the side of us in this performance there are zoo wankers actually in front of us blocking our view of shack attack yeah there's this one there's this one woman with blonde hair and some kind of black sort of strappy, belted off outfit, who's just giving it all the, oh, I'm having such a great time look and moves. And it's just like, can you fuck off please? And at that point you're thoroughly

confused who's in the band, who's not in the band etc. And Matt, I remember if this was on, there'd have been nobody at the back and you'd have known that this is Shack Attack the band. You might have thought they were shite, but at least you know that that was the band. This is Zoo at the Back. Yeah, man.

And for a band who's just coming up, they don't need that. It's like a jazz funk Where's Wally, isn't it? Where's Shack Attack? Yeah, and literally no kid at home would have known what Shack Attack looked like or who they were at that point. I wouldn't have thought.

They haven't really exploded or anything. And they never would into popular consciousness amongst kids. So we need that definition. We need the band. We need the audience. And here's a remarkable thing. Yeah, a matter of three years ago, it would have been enough for just to have the band and the audience.

There were top of the pop appearances where you didn't see any dancers. And, you know, that would have been fine here. Yeah, it was like, you know that song you've been hearing on the radio that you might like or or not well here are the people who made it yeah and here was why don't we look at them for a bit exactly whenever and and not to drag things back to that um late melody maker trauma that me and sarah revisited on that episode but this is this is you know wherever you work and whenever you've worked found a period where bright ideas come down the pipe and you just have to go with them um this was a bright idea down the pipe it's a shit idea and they needed to drop it we're here for a good few

years yet with this zoo nonsense yeah i mean if this was a club that you and your mates had just walked into you'd be frantically looking for your mates at the bar to just drag him the fuck away. Say, don't order anything. We're going now. Have you ever met anyone who actually liked Shack Attack and admitted to it? That's a good question, man. That's a really good question. No, I haven't.

And I have asked. Don't get me wrong. I have asked. But, you know, you need to know, don't you? I don't know. You know, if you go on a date or anything, don't you? I don't know how. You know, if you go on a date or anything, that's pretty much the first question I ask.

You don't like Shack Attack, do you? Do you like Pina Colada's and or Shack Attack? Yes. I actually lived with someone who liked Shack Attack. Wow. Yeah. Ricky Clean. Oh, I think I've mentioned before,

my flatmate in London in the late 90s. And it was him who put me on to Donald Bird and, you know, Bob James and all that lot. So I've got a lot to thank him for. But I had a tape

of, I think it was the episode of Top of the Pops with Nightbirds on it. And we're watching it, and all of a sudden Shack Attack popped up and I knew he was into jazz funk so I just gave him some severe side-eye and he just noticed me and he just mournfully nodded his head and I laughed at him

for about, for a good half an hour. I was going to say, knowing you're jazz funk, then you don't like Shack Attack but knowing you're just full and liking shack attack that's that's just bizarre well no he said he did like oh i see he did like them you know it was it was we were 15 years removed from there and yes and uh um uh jill was his uh was his first crush that was the second question i asked obviously but yeah you know i'd like to thank him uh And I'd also like to apologise to him

because I was working in the wank factory at the time. I was working at Uncle Paul Raymond's wank factory. And he was such a nice, kind of straight-laced kind of bloke. Nicest bloke I've ever met. Best housemate I've ever had. And I was horrible to him because when I was working at Paul Raymond, we'd be getting loads of letters in to Mayfair.

And a lot of the times, you know, they'd enclose photos of their cogs. Yeah. Every night I would walk out the office, I'd go past the waste paper bin, and I'd go, oh, some cock photos here. Shame to waste them. And I'd put them under his pillow. And after about two months of this he came up to me and he said

I've just had a conversation with my girlfriend and she said yeah, look can I ask you something, are you gay? and I said no he said well, what are these then? and she found all these cock photos under his pillar that I put there.

And yeah, he had to explain that he lived with a flatmate who was an absolute cunt. And he said, look, I can't believe I'm asking you this, but can you not put photos of people's cocks under my pillow anymore? And I said, oh, mate, I'm really sorry. Okay, okay, I was just having a day. And we had a good laugh about it. And then the doorbell rang, and it was his...

I think it was his best mate, and his girlfriend had turned up, and he went out, and then he got some bedding in and brought it into the living room. I said, what's the bedding for? They're not crashing here, are they? He said, no, no, no,

they're going to sleep in my bedroom tonight. I'm going to sleep on the sofa. And I went, oh, all right. And walked off and then suddenly stopped, turned around and said, I need a word with you. And he said, what's up? He says, well, before they go to bed tonight, you need to go in that room.

There's a 12-inch black dildo under your pillow. I just remembered. So yeah, Ricky, clean, wherever you are. God bless you, governor. I do remembered. So yeah, Ricky Clean, wherever you are, God bless you, Governor. I do apologise. Anything else to say about Shack Attack? Anything else to say about anything? Oh, so much and yet so little.

I just bet, all it is, is that I bet and I hope that loads of ostensibly snooty and proper suburban parties started out with this on the stereo and a plate of Olavons and ended in really surprising and satisfying orgies. Hmm, maybe. Easier said than done, Sarah. Easier said than done. So the following week, easier said than done,

entered the top 40 at number 36, and three weeks later it got to number 12 its highest position the follow-up night birds did even better getting to number nine in april of this year they'd spend the mid-80s flitting in and out of the top 40 scoring another number nine hit with down on the street in august of 1984 before diminishing returns set in, by which time Bill Sharp worked with Gary Newman on Change Your Mind, and Nigel Wright became a full-time producer,

releasing a series of Jack Mick singles in the late 80s, and then going on to working with Andrew Lloyd Webber and becoming the musical director for The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Jesus. Jesus. So now we know who and Britain's Got Talent. Jesus. Jesus. So now we know who to blame. Fucking hell. Yeah. When he was doing those house records though, why the fuck

didn't he call himself Jack Attack? He should have. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? And as the shiny red arse of Bill out of Shack Attack sets slowly in the west, we're going to leave it there and we're going to finish off tomorrow because fucking Al, I don't know about you, but we managed to ring about 25 minutes

out of fucking Shack Attack. That's... Who'd have thought? That's not me. I'll swear down. That'll be merely a blip for compared to the episode when we do actually find the appearance where his look unsettled me

because I'm getting into a pixel pixel frame by frame analysis at that moment and exactly why it was so horrific. Yeah, it's a brisk dispatching of Shack Attack. Yes. Relatively speaking. So, just a reminder before we go that if you are a $3 Patreon person you're getting the full episode in

one go with no adverts right about now. Your shopping trolley is full of chart music. So if you've got some money you don't need and hey, there's not many places you can spend it nowadays, there's a nice little space right down this g-string baby

fill it go on so anyway let's sign off for now and let's come back and finish this off tomorrow shall we yeah let's do that good skills okay so on behalf of Sarah B and Neil Kulkarni my name's Al Needham I'm telling

you for fuck's sake, please stay pop crazed. Chart music. GreatBigOwl.com Hello, I'm Chris England and I'm here to tell you about the Fun Factory podcast, available now on Great Big Owl. Each time, I will be reading a couple of chapters of my novel, The Fun Factory,

a historical comedy about the history of comedy. So it will kind of be like a free audiobook, which you can listen to at the gym, or jogging, or at your desk while pretending to do your job, or on the train without the embarrassment of people seeing you actually reading a book like some kind of SWAT. Minnabon Pull Apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.