Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - Chart Music #51 (Part 4): March 20th 1975 – Guys ‘N’ Dolls Get Ready To Bomb Iraq

Episode Date: July 5, 2020

The latest episode of the podcast which asks: a party held by the Osmonds, or a party held by the Rollers?The LONGEST EVER EPISODE OF CHART MUSIC finds your host and his chums still on lockdown but DILL DANDING, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, which gives us the opportunity to pick out an episode from the Dark Ages of the mid-Seventies and properly wang on about it. The Saxons are at their flappiest, the collars are condor, Tony Blackburn has been uncrated and set free, and all is as well with the world as it could be in 1975. If you ignore the fact that three of the acts involved would go on to kill later this year.Musicwise, it’s the usual Seventies lucky bag, tainted with the musk of deceit and treachery: Kenny sport the kind of trousers Our Simon saw Rick Witter trying on at Portobello Market. There are obligatory appearances by Cliff and Lulu. Wigan’s Ovation have a massive wazz on the burning torch of Northern Soul. Guys ‘N’ Dolls do a biscuit advert, and Mike Reid makes a Northern boy cry, which is Bad Skit.But there’s also Britfunk in the form of the Average White Band and, er, The Goodies, Pans People having a proper flounce to Barry White, and a Whatnautless Moments – whipped on by the Top Of The Pops Orchestra – seize the opportunity to tell us how much they like girls. And the Bay City Rollers rip down the goalposts of the #1 spot, while the Osmonds forlornly look out of their window wondering while no-one has showed up to their do.David Stubbs and Taylor Parkes – the Humphries of Pop journalism – join Al Needham and dip their elongated critical straws deep into the milk bottle of 1975, pausing to veer off on such tangents as the glory of radiograms, what it would be like to get caned and watch porn with Tony Blackburn, our magazine plans which never came to fruition, a lament for Timbo, the importance of nipples and a big argument over a Kung Fu vest and pants set. Swearing? Loads of it.Video Playlist | Subscribe | Facebook | Twitter | The Chart Music Wiki Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. All of television history is contained within the box of delights. It was happening in front of us. Incredible. In our living rooms. It was amazing. Guests pick their favourite television moment and tell us why they love it. And is this the episode where Daisy's just been

for the interview at the Woman's Magazine? Flaps. That's it, flaps! Yeah. Named one of Radio Time's best podcasts of the year. I don't understand people who don't see the joy in drawing the curtains, mug of hot chocolate and something nice on TV.

Like, what could be nicer than that? Than having a snuggle. Exactly. Nostalgia in bite-sized chunks. Box of Delights from Great Big Owl. The following podcast is a member of the Great Big Owl family. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain strong scenes of sex or violence,

which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language, which will frequently mean sexual swear words. What do you like to listen to? Chart music. Chart music. Hey, up you pop-crazy youngsters, and welcome to the final part of episode 51 of Chart Music. The denouement, if you will. I'm i'm your host al needham and before we get stuck into the rest of this episode i just want to clear a few things up number one yes i do know that i

promised you a q a with david ages ago so i better get my arse in gear on that number two i've had loads of inquiries about here comes quism the chart music pub quiz. And I can confirm right now, yes, there will be a second wave of Here Comes Quism. Anyway, we return you to the episode in progress. There it is. Take your moment for a ride of fabulous sound there from Lulule. That's going to be a smash hit. At number nine in the charts, we have Moments and Whatnots.

In actual fact, here we have Moments without their Whatnots, which is a little bit painful. They're going to sing about girls. Yeah, I was happy, man. Nothing to it, brother. What it is? Let's talk about what we know how to talk about best. What's that?

That's girls. Girls. After predicting another smash hit for Lulu, Toner explains that 50% of the next acts are here in the studio to do the next single, which is Girls by The Moments and Whatnots. Formed in Washington, D.C. in 1965, The Moment signed up to Sylvia Robinson's Stang label in 1968 and got to number three in the U.S. chart two years later with Love on a Two-Way Street, kicking off a run of Billboard and R&B chart hits in the first half of the 70s,

but nary a sniff of the charty arse over here. That all changed when they teamed up with label mates, the Whatnoughts, who were formed in Baltimore in 1969 and were making a comeback after three years of inactivity. And while this single has done nothing in the US charts, it entered the top 40 over here a fortnight ago, and this week it's gone up eight places

from number 17 to number 9. Now, unbelievably, you won't believe what I'm about to say, but Tony's got the pronunciation wrong. It's the whatnots, isn't it? It's supposed to be a play on whatnots. But, you know, he's right to correct stupid Americans who can't talk properly because they say astronauts. So, you know, he's right on that.

But he compounds the error by calling them the Wartnaughts, as if they were a Victorian blemish cream. Oh, Tony, even when you're right, you're wrong. You're mortified at that. I fucking love this song. I've got a very strong memory of Easter of 1975. My mum and dad had just managed to get hold of a stereogram, which was a big coffin on legs. Oh, yeah.

So all of a sudden the family radio had the radio band with hilversum on it that became a bit more available and they didn't go as mental when i took it into my bedroom or sneaked it out and i remember sitting on the junior school field which is somewhere i shouldn't have been uh during the easter holidays sitting on a grass bank and this song coming on the radio, because I think David Hamilton played it a lot, and just sitting there in a thunderstorm, but so taken by the music

and the stylings of the moments and whatnots that I didn't give a fuck. I just sat there in the rain listening to it, thinking, oh, this is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Radiograms. I mean, yeah, that's fantastic. The radiogram was my gateway into music

because my grandma had one. And you're right, they're colossal things. They were the size of sideboards and all they contained was like a wireless set, you know, one of those great things. And a record player, which I was able to kind of stack. You could play eight singles at a time, you know, you kind of stack them all up.

You know, what would they think of next? Good Lord. Yeah, and that's what, actually, it was part of what got me into the whole world of music, was the radiogram, but they, you know, the feel and the smell, not just the vinyl, but the rubber of the turntable and everything like that, and it was just a sort of sensory experience, definitely,

that the radiogram offered, I'm not quite sure that the iPhone does. No, you can't just put it in the living room and look at it and put plants on it, can you? No, no, absolutely, yeah. There's shit for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this performance, not only have the moments had to turn up on their own

without the maze, they're up against a particularly strident top of the pop's orchestra here, aren't they? The thing is, the record of this, which is great, it's almost uniquely unsuited to the top of the pop's orchestra because, yes, it's got a sort of lovely 70s soul sound to it but it's not like a sort of a lush thing that an orchestra can just

sort of copy right it's got a weirdly sort of primitive almost futuristic edge to it because it's not really a song song is it it's almost like a recitation that's got just sort of weird right turns. It sounds like they're waiting for sampling to have been invented. Do you know what I mean? It's got that sort of feel to it, where it's just like chunks of rhythm going backwards and forwards. Top of the Pops Orchestra just don't quite get that. So they do it in a sort of forced cabaret style.

And because it's not much of a composition, it suffers really badly. And also because it's quite a hard song to sing comfortably. Because, I mean, I appreciate by 70s rules that there's nothing more seductive than a man singing a whole song falsetto. But when you're doing live three-part harmony singing and the mix is a sludge and the

hack orchestra are playing too fast again uh it can end up sounding a bit like looking at the watchers yeah it's a bit trying to get this done before the pub show yeah it's a bit of a cat's chorus isn't it yeah yeah there's a very rushed feel i think to the whole show and like you say the orchestra playing too fast songs dropping out at about 90 what seems like about 90 seconds but it's fascinating it's interesting that there's a Sylvia Robertson connection there because you do feel that little sort of chat at the beginning that it

is it's proto-rap in a sense isn't it I mean basically that's what everything is going to be fairly shortly and of course the falsetto will disappear forever you know from sort of Solon Armbri until Pharrell comes along obviously it's lovely this you know, from sort of Solon Arbery until Farel comes along. Obviously, it's lovely, this. You know, I remember at the time,

it's a very open-minded sentiment as well, you know, in terms of the love of females. They're not too fussy. No. No, and I was impressed by that. And I felt a bit of a heel, because even at 12, I was beginning to take an interest in girls. But, you know, shamefully, you know,

I was a bit particular myself. Yeah, not this lot. It's this lot and the body-positive Sir Mix-a-Lot. Yes, of course. Yes. It's the black R&B version of I'll Shag Oat Me. Yes, yes. The line that stands out, of course,

is the ones that aren't the best looking are the ones who do the best cooking. Which, you know i remember sarah being quite upset about when um your man montel jordan uh raised that again 20 years later yeah you know why weren't the moments the judges on master chef you could have got it over so quickly they just get all the contestants at the beginning to go oh look at that bloke there he's all right fucking ugly cunt he's won give him the prize i think i mean obviously as the song develops the yes the sentiments um become a little bit uh less laudable really and i think you know essentially it wants a kind of harem really in which um the various women yeah the various virtues so there's one that's sent off to do

the cooking there's one that um he can marry into you know the money that he can marry into goes on about he wants five or six of them fine ones. But let's do the maths here. One with a lot of money, plus two with a lot of honey, plus three who do them freaky things, plus four bad mamas. That's ten women. It's like the 12 days of fuckmas. The thing is, though, ludicrous sexual politics or ludicrous politics of any kind, right, can be or not be a problem in pop music, depending entirely on the context and the mood and the character. And the reason why it works is that these guys don't seem like smooth, manipulative ladies men.

No, they're just like lovely girls. Yeah, they might as well be the goodies, basically, sort of having their own fantasies, you know. But, I mean, this impression might be compounded by the vest-wearing top of the Pops Orchestra. But, I mean, here, I mean, yeah, okay, they're singing slightly disrespectfully about women, but they sound more like raggedy street corner braggers.

You know what I mean? That passing women pretend they can't hear. Yeah. And, you know, people who have actually got any kind of harm. Or us lot in the playground in the sort of second year at my school, you know, bragging to each other about our fake birds. Yeah, so it works as a sort of a teenage boy song. Like, you know those garage punk records like uh let's

talk about girls yeah i gotta love them all babe not just a few it's really it's like it's about being an adolescent and living in this hormone haze wank fantasy nightmare world which is never quite extinguished in adulthood but as an adolescent you just have no control and no method of turning this fire into something useful you're just walking around in torment all the time you know but it's like that that half understood energy has made for busloads of fantastic pop records you know it's like this would be a problem here if it was set up to sound seductive and smooth you know uh but it no it comes out all jumpy and uncontrolled also and also it's being sung by not especially attractive men yeah let's not beat around the bush i think from a female's perspective

there's a very much of an in your dreams vibedreams vibe about it. Yeah. This stuff is always about catching the lyric at the right angle. And I think sometimes you could do that because you're clever and sometimes you can just fluke it, right? And I think they may have fluked this, but they have still fluked it, right? But I mean, these are the rules by which it works.

It's not some, you know, boring sort of point-m point missing 21st century thing where every song has to have a certain political worldview as though it was a person you know as though it was like a college student or something rather than a piece of low art with its own dream logic rules you know what i mean it's like no there's this sounds stunted and silly and that's its saving grace do you know what i mean it's like no there's this sounds stunted and silly and that's it's saving grace do you know what i mean i'll direct the pop craze youngsters towards sexy mama by the moments that's a fucking tune that is oh yeah recorded a couple of years previously i believe what's delayed the what nots does anyone know don't know the moments are over

on uh they're over here on tour at the moment so that'll be it and they're nicely turned out though the moments they've got this powder blue three-piece suit thing going on but no no shirts on underneath so it looks like they're wearing a sort of like bra tops but they carry it off because it's the mid-70s it's getting on for the final years where you can wear this kind of stuff and uh expect to get a result on top of the pops isn't it but i love it man i mean if i ever if i ever got married i'm really torn between my stag night being everybody has to dress up like the moment's doing this or or everybody has to dress up like gang members of the Warriors and we recreate the whole film in Nottingham.

So the following week, girls jumped six places to number three and stayed there for two weeks. The follow-up, Dolly My Love, got to number 10 in August of this year and then had one more proper hit with Jack in the Box, which got to number seven in February of 1977. They left the Stang label in

1978 to sign with Polydor, but as the label owned the rights to the name The Moments, they had to call themselves Ray, Goodman and Brown and are still going to this day if you discount a death or two. It's a bit of a Trigger's Broom situation.

You know that's the four tops. Superfine, mighty fine, sugar and spice everything hey that's lovely moments and the number nine sound of that's called girls you know the version of the ugly duckling by danny k We have a brand new version of the same song by a very, very funny comedian called Mike Reed. In fact, this is a very funny version of The Ugly Duckling. Listen now.

There once was an ugly duckling With feathers all stubby and brown And the other birds in so many words went, Oi! Get out of town! Oi, moosh! Get out! Yeah, you! Get out! Move your arish! Get out of town!

Hey! That's lovely, says Tony before telling us about a song and how funny the comedian who's covered it is and how funny the version he's done of it is. It's The Ugly Duckling by Mike Reed. Born in Acne in 1940, Michael Reed began his career as a stand-up comedian who fell into acting as a stuntman in the 1960 film Spartacus

and then as an extra in Department S and Doctor Who, and then a stunt driver in Casino Royale, The Dirty Dozen, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He was also a bit player in various episodes of The Saint and Roger Moore's underwater stunt double, until he was fired for continually taking the piss out of Moore's thinning hair. Oh, get down to panties, Roger. After an appearance in the film version of Steptoe and Son as the comedian before the stripper comes on, he became a key component of The Comedians, the massively successful ITV stand-up show. This led to a record deal with Pi Records in 1973 and the LP Terrific. Mike Reed sings Cockney songs, but it, and the single from it, Life Without You, failed to chart. This is his third single, and the follow-up to Freezing Cold in 89 Tuzzo,

a cover of Freezing Cold in 89 Cuzzol, the 1972 single by Italian singer-songwriter Adriano Celentano with gibberish faux American lyrics, which also failed to chart. This time, however, he's gone for a cover of a song from the 1952 film Hans Christian Andersen, originally performed by Danny Kaye, which he had worked into his stand-up act and was his favourite song. To the astonishment of everyone, it's a new entry this week at number 34, and here he is in the studio. Oh, eh? Cool.

Don't give me Mike Reid. But as ever, when you have two people with almost the same name, the first thing you have to think about is who would win in a bare-knuckle fight surrounded by braying onlookers but yeah in this case there's not a lot of uncertainty is there? No certainly not. Three seconds

of the bespectacled Saturday morning drip of that fucking guitar shaft right up his fucking arse he's like run around now you cunt go you fucking mug I'll give him fucking tenders yeah because one thing one thing you can say for mike reed r-e-i-d is that he's not like jack

duckworth you know bill tommy who played jack duckworth who off-screen would swan about in a white suit with a pocket square. Like into tinted specs, smoking sheroes. Vince Sinclair, his alter ego. Yeah, he's the one. See, on my hands I tell a few jokes. Maybe you've heard of me. You've took the Duckworth role. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Perhaps there's a little of me in Jack. You know, he's still a fucking actor, isn't it? It's like Clusterrators and Bellends. At least Mike Reed is the real thing. He's as repulsive and seethingly aggressive and overbearing as he appears on screen. He is the absolute template for Cockney Wanker in Viz, isn't he? Oh, God, yes.

You can just absolutely see it. But at the time, I probably would have felt different. I mean, it's funny now to hear the word mush. When did you last hear a good mush these days? Yeah. Occasionally in repeats of Steptoe and Son, things like that, mush. I can only think about this,

that obviously it's a kind of compendium of rhyming slang, cop the boat race and all that kind of thing, and the cargo or whatever. I can only imagine, really, that part of the appeal of someone like Mike Reid is that, like, Cockneys and people from London were as gratified to see themselves represented on TV as black people were in Love Thy Neighbour. I mean, we are one year removed from Yus, my dear.

Yes, yes. That's to come. Yeah, which was derived from Romany Jones, wasn't it? Remember the vehicle for James Beck, who looked very ill in it, and about six months into it, he died. Which I thought was actually to do with the travelling community, that it was actually, you know, to do with Roma. But it's not at all.

It's just people very, very sort of down on their luck, living in static caravans. But, yeah, yeah, he was in that. But I have a confession to – well, it's not really – no, it's not a – is it a confession? Well, we'll be the judge of that, David. Well, there was time – you know, there was – we were all three of us. So basically it was me and my two younger brothers, who didn't always take me entirely seriously as an older brother.

Took the piss a bit now and again and i do recall that we were off somewhere in my dad's reno and um they're all three of us in the back and of course this came on the radio and i've probably only heard a couple of times and um i started crying in the mid section you know when he kind of goes into exile and it always kind of lumped my throat now i've looked i i don't cry in public and it's unfortunately i'm just one of the old school that kind of i'm not like john peel or whatever um you know i kind of have a code but things like that and this was the most terrible thing i've cried i really had to kind of stop but you know it's a bit enclosed in the back of a Renault. And, of course, they noticed, you know, because I'm desperately trying.

It's like trying to hold piss in there. It's a confession, David. And I was crying, you know, and I could see a little tear rolling down the side of my face. My brother Tony, the youngest one, said, ah, you're fucking crying. Well, he didn't say fucking because my dad was in the car. You're crying, aren't you?

Ah, you soft get I've seen this one he's crying he's all back reading all the ugly duckly I'm so sad oh god

swing it sitting at the far end you know so I can't swing for him you know ah bad skit bad skit that was your worst thing

ah bad skit on you eh bad skit I don't know if anyone remembers bad skit but that was you know it's a bit like it's very much a Leeds? Ah, bad skit on you. Eh, bad skit. I don't know if anybody remembers. Bad skit. But that was, you know... It's a bit like... It's very much a Leeds thing.

Skit, bad skit. It's like, you know... You've been thoroughly humiliated, basically. Right. Yeah, so this... I mean, I didn't... I managed not to cry this time when I listened back to it, you know. But, yeah.

So, I mean... Because you knew what was coming. Yeah, I suppose there is that. I mean, you know... Were you delighted by the end of the song when it turns out all right well of course yeah yeah but they laughed at your brothers well no i mean no i mean it was there was no getting around it it was it was no thorough humiliation it had to happen in front of my two younger brothers the worst possible people in front of whom this could happen. Were you touched by the moral of this song, that breeding is all that matters

and nothing you can say or do or think will ever increase or decrease your worth? I didn't look into it that deeply, no, I didn't. I was just sad for the duckling, basically. It's true, though, isn't it? Well, yeah. You're either a swan, in which case it'll all come good, or else you're a fat-eating duckling. Yeah.

And you should know your place and take your lumps. I agree. Right in the beak. Now, it's weird being given the ugly duckling as a hero. Because it's like kids having Kim Kardashian as a role model.

People complain about the so-called hollowness of her fame you know that's you know who cares about that's not the problem the problem is that it's not really aspirational because how can you aspire to being an heiress you either are one or you're not right and i don't want to sound like you know some hippie educationalist but you don't learn good lessons there no like what do you learn from just looking up to people who are lucky? The rich man in his garden, the poor man at his gate, God made them high and lowly, each to his own estate.

It's everything that I object to, which is why I hate this song so much. No, I agree. It's having a go at Hans Christian Andersen now. Yeah, fuck off. Yeah, I agree that basically a value an insidious value system remains intact at the end of this song doesn't it oh yeah but i'll take it from danny k before i'll take it from mike reed do you know what i mean we've got to talk about this cockney wanker thing because there are dislikable regional stereotypes from every

corner of britain but the cockney wanker is the capital of dislikable regional stereotypes from every corner of britain but the cockney wanker is the capital of dislikable regional stereotypes or at least the administrative center just assuming control of every situation despite a lack of relevant expertise or understanding right the key trait of almost every dislikable regional stereotype is a blend of swaggering, overbearing self-assurance and sort of deep, dangerous defensiveness. And you get that with cocky, chimp-walking mancs and whining, finger-pointing scousers and drunkenly unpredictable Glaswegians

and, you know, hectoring, close-minded Yorkshiremen and, what else, sinister wicker-man-building West Country people, you know, because it's patriotism in microcosm. That's what's great about living in Nottingham. You can't pin anything on us. No fucking nose about us. We're that obscure. Yeah, no one cares.

Yeah, yeah, that too. But it's a choice, though, isn't it? Yeah. It's a choice. It's a hard adherence to the worst of local norms and a sort of boorish civic pride. Even like the dumb, docile Brummie, right? You think, well, that doesn't really apply.

No, there's a variant of West Midlands stereotype that has a sour, empty smugness to it, right? Like, you know, retired spring maker Harold Court is an example of that, which long-term listeners will know well. So you still don't believe it? No. Why not? I don't. Right, you know but it's it's everywhere right

when people feel that they're simultaneously representing their tiny portion of the world and are represented by it i mean it's a it's a horrible situation but to put yourself in but it's the soft option for people who've got nothing of their own right um and a a professional dislikable regional stereotype like mike reed is the worst of all because not only is it overwhelmingly obnoxious but you think hang on a minute this person hasn't just fallen into this they've got the wit and initiative to make a buck out of a kind of controlled performance of themselves.

Right. Therefore they should know better. I don't know. I mean, in the context of 1975, we haven't been clubbed about the head with the Cockney stereotyping as much as we would in the eighties. Yeah,

I suppose, you know, this is, this is pre buckle boys and, um, up the elephant around the castle and Chas and Dave and EastEnders and all that. There wasn't an awful lot of representation of this kind of, like, yeah, strongly accented character.

And this is the year of Funky Moped, isn't it, as well? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, defend that, Taylor, if you dare. Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, of course, the B-side was the Magic Roundabout parody, wasn't it? Yes. Which he says, piss off at the end.

I remember our music teacher playing up to us on a Friday afternoon as an end-of-term treat, and we all fell about. You see, the main question raised by this record is why. Technically, there's no reason why a shit thug club comic shouldn't cover a Dannyy k children's favorite and instead of changing it and making it blue so it's about sex or something you know like magic around about shit just do it as a kid song but in his own in his own imitable fashion it's you but you rack your brain for any reason why anyone would actually think of it

or decide that this was a good idea, and they just don't come. This is the dying days of giving anyone remotely famous a record deal. And he's done better chart-wise than, say, Oh What A Gay Day by Larry Grayson or Rock Steady the Deedle-E song by Licklin' Lodge when they had a reggae song. It's strange that this one got through and the others didn't. But, you know, thank God.

Thank God this is the only one. Look, it made a boy cry. Yes. A northern boy. That's a hard thing to do. So it obviously had something about it. I saw Mike Reid in Torquay in 1994 and I have to say that it was probably

the best stand-up I've ever seen. I haven't seen many, not really that interested in stand-up comedy, but he had the audience in the palm of his hand. There was a guy called Charlie Smithers who my grandma had a record on occasionally would bung on the old radiogram and I think he was kind of London-based

but all of his material was about gays and Pakistanis and stuff like that, just lengthy routines. I don't know to what extent Mike Reid ever did that kind of stuff. He was blue, but he wasn't racist. You know, by this time he is, in 1975, he is a polished comedian, but fucking hell, tough crowd. Alberto Tarantini's back with his equally sullen mate and uh him and

all the kids they're all standing around wearing the kenny badgers got this sullen look on their faces as if they've been made to look at a cage full of locusts in a biology class there's a few lads at the back who are really digging it well shortly along at the cognisms oh yeah i mean there's probably there's possibly rising impatience at this point isn't there's two girls at the Cockneyisms. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's possibly rising impatience at this point, isn't there? There's two girls at the front who are obviously in on the deal. They've both got duckling puppets. Yes. Yeah.

Which they forget to wave about right through the song. And one of them's got a T-shirt that says, Oi, mush, the ugly duckling. I'm that age where I had to grow up listening to Junior Choice. Yeah. Helmed in those days by Ed Stewart, appropriately enough, years before Blackburn was demoted to such ignominious debt. And the thing about Junior Choice was that the records never changed.

It was the same every week. And people would write in with requests, but there's no need because you were going to hear My Brother by Terry Scott whether you liked it or not. Or if you were lucky, you'd write Said Fred by Cribo which is a properly imaginative and enjoyable record.

Or that, I saw a mouse, whatever that's called, there on the stair, windmill in old Amsterdam. Yes. But this song was another perennial in both versions. And, you know,

even then, not pleasant to my tiny ears. Never mind the current worn out, perpetually ringing ears, but it's subjected to this now. And I don't care for the queasy sentimentality of Danny Kaye's version of this. But, I mean, fucking hell, this wasn't required.

What it is, it just... I look at this and all I can see is it's like having a bully dad on the stage, you know, putting on a show for their nippers, right? And it's always... It's just so deeply repulsive, like a can of London Grill, having this unwanted sort of aggro presence in the nursery do you know what i mean it just doesn't feel right so stay out of the kids universe just be what you are do your aggressive thin-lipped smile uh work blue and wear a tweed trilby and

a ski jacket um or is that pete beal wear a wear a tweed trilby and a ski jacket. Or was that Pete Beale? Wear a tweed flat cap and a ski jacket. Keep the British end up where it belongs, right? Somewhere dark and unhygienic. Don't go on top of the pops, dress like an Austin Allegro driver in a public information film, imagining that you have charm and trying to be a children's entertainer.

It's the way he lapses into that tender crooning voice a couple of times. I suppose. At least he didn't have the domestic life of Arthur Mullard. Yes. This is true. But he does have that stupid fucking daddy dog thing. You know, it's like one of those blokes where everyone has to indulge his little turn or else fear is wrath, you know.

Wallop! It's like you better laugh at his jokes, just in case, because he wanted to be a star and making himself the centre of attention. Now it's, you know, if you puncture that, he might just take out the grim reality on you, you know. There's always that air about it. Do I make myself clear, sunshine? Be compelled to punch you on your beak?

Yeah, have a chuckle as he shows off his tender side or else, you know. You listen to me, my son. Why? You're not going to say anything good. It's like these blokes who have to be the Kim Jong-un of their own family. You know what I mean? Or their horrible pub. It's a projection, though, isn't it?

It's not like it's Bob Hoskins in The Long Good Friday. Yeah, it's just minnows fronting, isn't it? Desperate. But at least he loved his dear old mum. What this really needs is for him to turn into Bill Tarmy at the end, with a glide and a whistle and a snowy white suit. Now, there's a class act, right? That would be an inspirational story.

So the following week, the ugly Doug Clint jumped 12 places to number 22. And three weeks later, it got to number 10, its highest position. Fuck it, this is a top 10 song, everyone. He went back to the Danish well with a cover of the King's New Clothes for the follow-up, but it failed to chart. What a shame, man. He could have turned up with just a fucking dickie bow on on top of the pops. Could have predated that by 20 years.

And he went on to present Run Around later that year. Sorry, Run Around later that year. And appear as Arthur Mullod's brother in the ITV sitcom, Yes My Dear. He had one last throw of the dice in 1999 when he recorded a cover of The More I See You with Barbara Windsor, but it stalled at number 46 in April of that year and he died at the age of 67 in Marbella in 2007 and this single was played at his funeral. Say, who's an ugly duckling? Not I.

Now then, I think I'll go down the road and give some of these dinners a bit of GBH in the past of his name. There's one over there. Oi, cocky! Who's a pretty boy now, then? Look at that dolly swat. I think I'll go and blow down her ear.

Once it's hoist round the lake, large fortune out in the bummer. Welcome to All Rather Mysterious, the podcast that aims to unlock the mysteries of the past with the key of fact. My name is John Rain. My name is Eleanor Morton. My name is David Reed. Please name is Eleanor Morton. My name is David Reed.

Please join us as we present to you mysteries that have baffled the world. You make any noises? What about a door creaking? No, you don't have to do it. That weird ka-dunk that lights going off makes for some reason in films. All rather mysterious. This is the first radio ad you can smell. All rather mysterious. and conditions apply. There it is. Mark Reed.

That's a classic, isn't it? Does it beautifully. That's a number called The Ugly Duckling. Right now, we go to the number one sound on Top of the Pops. What do you know?

One of the most popular groups in the country right now. Girls, they are there at last. Originally done sometime back by the Four Seasons. It's called Bye Bye Baby,

the Bay City Rollers. If you hate me after what I say I can't put it off any longer. Just gotta tell her anyway. Bye bye baby, baby goodbye Bye bye baby, don't take me far You're the one girl I want to marry Big tits and an ear, red fanny

Sorry, I can't not sing that. It's ingrained in there. Oh, by the way, the next line which we sang was, Gee, I wish you would pee all over me. Very good. You can quite go ahead for an infant school in 1975, adding a bit of scat to it amazing foresight as well we've already covered the rollers and this single in chart music number six it's the follow-up to

all of me loves all of you which got to number four in october of 1974 is a cover of the 1965 four season single and as admitted by manager Tam Payton a few weeks ago, is the first single that the band have actually played on with their own instruments and everything. It entered the chart at number eight two weeks ago, moved up to number two last week, and this week it's knocked, if by Telly Savalas, off the topmost of the pop of most for their first number one.

Oh, it's all about the rollers at this point, isn't it? Yeah. It's their show. I mean, Taylor, you're too young. And as I pointed out when we last covered this song, the rollers weren't making that much of an impression on the females in the first year of West Glade Invent School. But David, you're practically in an older generation at this time. So what was it like at your school? Well, I went to an all-boys school.

Oh. And I suppose I would have had mixed feelings about the Bay City Rollers. On the one hand, they had the kind of thrust that I was looking for. But they were, yes, the whole girly mania thing, I think, was a sort of black mark against them. Plus, I always thought, I didn't really like the cut of Les McKeon's jib. I thought he was a bit sort of, I don't know, weaselly-faced.

Going around thinking he was so much. Exactly, yeah. I would have probably quite grudgingly enjoyed this single on a certain level or whatever. I mean, Roller Mania, yes, it was this kind of continuum of mania ever since the Osmonds, really. And it's funny because

there'd been a kind of ten-year delay, really. I mean, the whole Beatlemania thing, you know, of like, people practically throwing themselves off balconies at airports or whatever, probably subsided by the mid-1960s. There's kind of a long delay really before the osmonds thing and then immediately base city rollers pick up the slack

it just seems like kind of undifferentiated phenomenon really you know and the there has to be a different object of these kind of maniacal affections um but it's kind of pretty arbitrary really the the tartan thing is interesting because yeah i mean they are i mean you see them performing here and the drummers kind of smiling sort of sweetly to camera you know they are like lisa simpson's non-threatening boys magazine but at the same time you know this is the era of the tartan threat and i think you know there is a sort of sense of the sort of prototype punk thing going on in that respect i mean it's also like the time like the tartan army that used to come down every year for the home internationals um you know to wembley and um

i think it was slightly later than this that um they you know when scotland won one nil and they all sort of hung on the cross 77 wasn't it yeah But generally in that era, there was this sense of, you know, the boisterous tartan threat, you know, the Caledonians kind of rushing down the hills to kind of, you know, give the English a bit of a biffing. And, yeah, and I think there was definitely a sort of resonance about the tartan that despite, you know, as I say, their kind of ostensible non-threateningness,

you know, there was something potent about them. Well, they were scrappers, the rollers. They were picked off the street, most of them. Basic rollers, I didn't know what to make of them at the time. The thing that put me against them was they all looked like William Bell, who lived on the other half of the school and was stereotypical 70s agro merchant and we weren't playing football yet at infant school so our kind of like playtime

diversion was to stand at the top of a grass bank behind a massive fence and watch william bell throw bricks at us over the fence and we taunt him and uh he never hit anyone but you know he was trying to and you know to me william bell could have been a member of the bay city rollers but i think it was extremely important that they had that kind of ingratiating aspect about them you know they couldn't do it be like oh peter cook in bizazzle you know you mean nothing to me you know they couldn't have any order and it couldn't be any kind of surliness or standoff or even any sort of sense of menace at all. So they had to be very, very ingratiating and smiley, perhaps precisely to kind of counterbalance all these other things.

Yeah. But yeah, they were offering their young female fans the same release that those girls' brothers would have got at the football match. Yes. Yeah, rather than anything romantic. Then again, your older brother wasn't wetting himself

at Anfield at Kevin Keegan. Terry McDermott. Yeah. I caught the long tail of the Bay City Rollers. They were still on

telly a lot when I was a kid even though they were no longer what they were because, you know, they were involved

in that Mike Mansfield world where, you know, you involved in that mike mansfield world where you know you'd still get a bit of a bit of a push even when nobody gave a shit but i mean by that time to you taylor i'm guessing there'd be like a humanoid animal quackers yeah oh yeah but so it's only since that i've gone back and you know educated myself about the Rollers. And truly, it is the bleakest story ever told. Oh, isn't it? I mean, in most of the sorry stories of rock and pop, you know, people get hurt and left behind

or they die or go mad. But at least someone somewhere is having a great time and getting rich and living happily ever after. But not in the Rollers story. Everyone involved is in a nightmare just continuously. I mean, even Tam Payton, right, the evil puppet master. Yeah. I don't think he ever got close to true happiness

or even basic satisfaction. And what makes the roller story so depressing in a way as well, I mean, depressing as opposed to traumatising, is there's a relative lack of drama in it too there's a lot of really awful sinister shit going on but there's rarely a flash point or a big reveal or like a savel moment of out and out horror uh even as a story to hear and tell there's no release it's just this drag this oppressive drag that just seems to all be about sustained control and denial and a sort of vague looming threat and emptiness

you know and misery and waste it's got that this is not a group that anyone looks at and thinks i'd like to be in this band no no i mean you know tam payton was in case anyone doesn't know was a rather unpleasant predatory man with a taste for younger lads who carefully selected the members of his bands for shall we say extra musical reasons um and you know however much did or didn't go on between he and they, which is a matter for at least some debate, what's certain is that he absolutely forbade all of them from having any fun whatsoever or any contact with girls for as long as their run lasted, right?

Which, I mean, it must have been a bit harsh for young, mostly hetero lads at number one in the charts i mean fucking hell you're right that basie terrell is a particularly bleak story i think that anybody on that particular pop treadmill whatever there's some there's immense hardship you know something you know it would be probably a nicer life or an easier life and a less strenuous life to sort of be a member of joy division or something like that than it would to be an even brother beyond or something like that or spice girl i mean like sporty spot where they're talking about how whole time at the kind of zenith of their career just being perpetually hungry because you know they're trying to keep their weight down it's just

um you know it's just things like that i mean it's it's you're right it's not an enviable existence at all and this one particularly unenviable yeah i mean the you know normally you see people who are a bit damaged from the 70s and they're all right they're philosophical and just their hands shakes a bit as they raise their fag to their mouth you know um but the key fact here i think is that over time there were what about eight or nine people who were in the rollers at some point yeah and i think five or six of them have since attempted suicide and that's not a coincidence yeah um because not only was their rise to fame so bumpy and compromised their heyday was just a blur of overwork and frustration and zero artistic fulfilment.

And then their decline was just as painful as if they'd been having a good time, right, as well as predictably horrific financially. And it was drawn out to the point of agony. You know, they really didn't want to let go and yet they seemed to be falling forever. You know, like half these nuts are still still trying to make comebacks this century you know what i mean and it's all

rubbish it was all rubbish that was the thing there's a really upsetting but amusing clip from German TV, of course, from about 1988, where the 30-something and now rather adult Les McKeown is performing his European hit, She's a Lady, in a rainy, half-empty funfair in fucking Mannheim or Paderborn or some lifeless ditch in Germany. And he's serenading a hideous animatronic Miss Piggy and headbutting a cardboard cutout of Joan Collins um it's I've never and at the beginning he has to come sprinting up this walkway onto the stage for a dynamic entrance right but it's been pissing down all day and the sky is like the dead mouse belly and he comes running up and he's obviously you know perhaps had a few or a bit of something and he slips on the wet ramp and just falls flat on his face with the cameras

rolling and scrambles up just a bit too late to reach the mic in time to start lip syncing. So the song begins without him. And you're looking at it thinking, Christ, somebody had to be there doing that. You know what I mean? And it's like everything about it, it's like an icy wind full of crematorium dust just blowing through a hole in the middle of your soul.

Jesus Christ. And there's about 10 years of that for these poor bastards i mean great suffering usually produces great art yes what is there in the earth of the bay city rollers to well hold up i mean simon's made a strong case for shanghai yeah shanghai. Shang-a-lang and this, basically. This is the rollers at their peak. Yeah, this is their best. Travelling at the speed of darkness. Yeah, I mean, right about this time, they were in their twirlking period, weren't they?

You know, the yo-yo team in The Simpsons coming up to bedazzle the youth before being slung in the back of a van to go on to the next thing. I love how this slowly is mutating into a Simpsons podcast. But yeah, I mean, the Four Seasons version of this song is obviously much better. Like it doesn't sound thin and cheap

and it's got good singers on it. Oh yes, indeed. I remember listening to David Hamilton on that radio I talked about earlier. And he played, like tony blackburn would do with reggae singles he played the four seasons version straight afterwards and i was outraged yeah i thought what a fucking cod singing someone else's song and pretending it's your own no i wasn't impressed by that yeah i was still young still had a lot to learn yeah it just shows the big problem for the rollers musically which was

the sort of airless desiccated sound that they had and like the ban on energy and aggression on these records so yeah even when they get a half decent song like this or or shangalang it sounds like an empty room you know and yeah you look at them performing they've got these weak fixed smiles and you know they've got no sympathy with the material and like zero exuberance or magnetism i mean les always tries hard you know you know but just generally there's a sort of you know even looking beyond the teen idol thing just to try and analyze it there's a sort of almost like a semiotic muteness to this you know what i mean so there's nothing to engage with but that seems to be kind of mandatory though with these kind of phenomena there's such to be some

sort of austerity yeah there's got to be a ban on energy integration there's got to be a ban on enjoying yourself and a ban on sex and a ban on food or whatever. It just seems to be a mandatory feature of people, you know, on that. You know, or if you're the Jacksons, you know, you've got to be kind of like the appalling, despotic regime of Pop Joe. It just seems to be mandatory.

You know, maybe there are examples of people who enjoy a kind of teen popular moment who are able to kind of thoroughly enjoy their life and give to their richest and fullest and the best of their energies as they do it but um i suspect it might be hard to come by but at least the jacksons sound like that's what they were doing you know what i mean like this lot it's you look at them and it's like they just yeah it's like they mean nothing it's all they are is icons of their own unhappiness

and their fans' desperation. I think that's a good point, that their actual, yes, the desperate listlessness of it is kind of, it does sort of shine through, doesn't it? I mean, what's strange about this, though, is you're looking at the audience, and all the way through I've been kind of thinking, yeah, people that are a little bit underenthusiastic

and sort of tetchy and they're kind of clutching their tartan scarves because there's only one thing they're really here for. And they look as though they're there under sufferance, as quite often Top of the Pops audiences do. And I thought, well, maybe there's going to be a great explosion of energy when one of the biggest bands in the UK finally comes on. And there isn't. And it's clear that for whatever reason I think I don't think that

like you know the producers there it's just like my god we've got a pretty listless generation here you know we were really hoping for some energy and I think there is actually a ban on energy from the audience on you know but obviously it's very the BBC's clearly dumped it down they seem to sort of like you know audiences they're hand-picked for unenthusiasm because anything too exuberant I mean you know this is a group that have got people as I say you know sort of that are hand-picked for unenthusiasm because anything too exuberant. I mean, you know, this is a group that have got people, as I say, you know, sort of like hanging off the edge of balconies, screaming and screaming. You would have thought that, like, OK, we're going to need about,

you know, volunteers at 70 or 80 people to watch the Bay City Rollers and be, like, six feet away from them. They've probably deliberately gone for people who don't even know who they are. You know, they're kind of, you know, swats or whatever who prefer to be at top of the form or something. As Simon said, he probably sent out a floor manager to give everyone a stern talk saying,

you're right, you know, go to the toilet now before the Basie two rollers come on. I mean, obviously when you see Shang-a-lang, you know, rank ITV, old Muriel Young is obviously, you know, just ramped up the screaming and all that kind of stuff and look what happens you know cliff kills a police officer it's as if they're being contrary exactly but it's as if they're being contravention to some sort of policy laid down

by lord reith or something like that if anybody would yes unseemly enthusiasm would kind of upset the equilibrium of the bbc and the tone they're attempting to maintain all the way through. Yeah. But the trouble is, when you see Shangri-La, I mean, it's like... Look, another thing with the rollers is it's hard to understand their teen appeal because they're not very sexy. Right. Normally, with a pin-up band, you

can at least see what the girls are meant to be screaming at. You look at the rollers, and even in these famished times of chip-panned complexions, you know, and poor physical conditioning, they're not very good-looking. I don't know. I mean, Eric is obviously the heartthrob of the band. Yeah, not letting on that he's almost 30.

And Les is essentially... If Les McKeown wasn't in the band, he'd be one of those 20-year-olds who hang outside schools in his car. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Not in a never-go-with-strangers way, but in an LL Cool J way, shall we say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the thing with Shang-a-lang, when you watch it, it's, yes, the fans are going absolutely apeshit, and then the rollers come out, and, you know, it's not like they were hugely charismatic individuals, you know. No. But they can hardly speak. It's fucking embarrassing. It's a really depressing show, Shang-a-lang.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's got that mid-70s... Woody's impersonation of Frank Spencer is appalling, isn't it? Oh, Christ. What is impersonation of Frank Spencer is appalling, isn't it? It's got that mid-70s sort of mugginess and lack of sharpness. And that's sort of like it's smeared in lard, like shoddy sort of low quality feeling.

Like for a start, it's hosted by these dummies and they're reading out lines. They sound like the kids who didn't get picked to speak in primary school assembly you know what i mean yeah there's nothing or why don't you yeah there's nothing to hold it together um because they have no personalities and they can't deliver the lines and then there's nothing else going on with them to sustain 25 minutes of television right no never mind a series like a seemingly endless series of 25 episodes um so what happens is straight away in desperation it lapses into that crap retro thing that you always get as a fallback you know that sort of that grubby mid-70s bubble gum right and

it's all controlled by men of a certain age who for the first time in the short history of pop music are young enough to have their own experiences of pop music they think they're still in touch enough to make decisions on behalf of the audience but in fact they're also old enough to have a gnawing nostalgia for their own youth so you end up with this slow motion 50s revival that begins at the tatty end of glam rock, right? All the futuristic energy of glam rock burns out and you're just left with the old riffs, which is all these people understand. So in Shangri-La, every week you get that mini history lesson

where the rollers have to lecture an audience of completely uninterested kids about fucking Bill Haley and the Comets or something. Because some idiot thought they'd be interested or couldn't think of anything else. And as educators, they're not exactly electrifying. No. And they have to bring out big Jim Sullivan as well, don't they?

So look, here's someone who can actually play an instrument massively proficiently yeah let's watch him on on an acoustic guitar yeah well i mean if you want to know how boring shanghai is you only have to watch the first episode where the very first episode where someone thinks it's acceptable television for the beaming, doofus drummer, Derek, semi-verbal Derek, years before being convicted on child pornography charges, of which he still maintains his innocence. Which, if not, at least he can say

he's the least creepy-looking paedophile in 70s pop. You wouldn't want that as your entry in Who's Who, but some people would look on that with envy. So you get Derek to interview a couple of blokes from Lieutenant Pigeon about an album they've just recorded of the sounds of different kinds of trains pulling into the station and then pulling out again. My first girlfriend's dad had some albums like that.

But here they are. For a full five minutes, there's this confused man-child trying to act like he cares about what is obviously the most overwhelmingly boring record ever made. And these two sort of beardy ale bores who made it, talking about diesel hydraulics in front of this sort of trapped, stultified audience of hormonal basically rollers fanatics.

And that's episode one. You know, I don't come so many times you're too tired to tune in next week will you but they might as well have drawn the curtains and given them a slideshow of scenes from the holy land yes but there's the uh there's that john craven's news round round about this time in 1975 and 1976 there were two john craven's news round specials on the roller phenomenon it's the clip they always use of thes on the roller phenomenon yeah it's the clip they always use of the girl from the west country talking about them the merits of the

rollers and the osmonds yeah and you know one of them's got a tartan gimmick and the other one wears stars and stripes and who'd want to wear that because it's stupid and um but the other clip is is some household where there's two girls sitting down in their roller gear. They put on all their roller gear to watch a television show. Screaming their arses off over the Bay City Rollers while dad sat there in a vest and a fag on. Absolutely not understanding the world anymore. But that's always the thing, isn't it? Any teen phenomenon, it's less about the band that's

causing it and more about the kids who are reacting to it yeah you know the only thing worth talking about with the Bay City Rollers are the fans yeah of course the reaction yeah yeah and it I mean it's possible that had they had a modicum more charisma or whatever that they might have lasted a little longer as a sort of pop teen pop phenomenon but probably not really these things you know they're probably as long-lived stroke short-lived as as any other really and uh and the fact that they are everything that taylor says to them is it's immaterial you know so it's something else that matters yeah musical clackers it's a shame though isn't it because if you love pop music you really want the top shit thrown together bubblegum band of the 70s to be good you know in one way or another but they're not

they're just aggravating and tiresome and desolate and much worse than the banana splits it's it's what it's like what people with no imagination imagine pop to be imagined into being you know the only good thing you can say about them is they don't act like heroes they just go out there and radiate nothingness

so at least there's no reason to hate them you just feel bad for them you just feel a sort of poached egg pity and a sort of sort of poached egg pity and a sort of queasy distance it's like you know they're like flat unrefrigerated lemonade the mid-70s yeah but the tartan yeah they got a tartan gimmick yes that's right we don't want to be wearing stars and stripes that's stupid yes oh she also went on to say the osmonds wear anchors. She's quite bemused by that because only posh people wore anchors.

I don't know. You're absolutely right about it being far more about the fans because the energy and the madness and the noise that is unleashed by these phenomena, obviously, is far, far more fascinating. There's far more substance, there's far more aggression, there's far more sex, there's far more everything. All the things that are denied in the Bay City rollers themselves.

This Tartan thing, when it was announced that it's Royal Stewart Tartan, which has six different colours, there was an article in June of 1975 in the Observer about a factory in Oldham, because apparently 90% of all Tartan in the UK

was produced in Oldham. And there was one factory that was making 6 000 meters of royal stewart cloth a week and their output had increased by 600 because of the bay city rollers so you know at least someone's making a bit of money out of this without um being a paedophile which is nice makes Makes a change. It was a weird little pocket of Scotsmania, wasn't it? Yes. Sort of mid to late.

So it was this, Mulliken Time, and 1978 World Cup. Yes, Ali's Army, yeah. Yeah, Nessie. But of course, you know, this is only the beginning for the rollers at this point. On the cover of Melody Maker this week, announced a UK tour,

and that is it's going to be fucking almshouse right across the country this summer i mean i remember looking in the paper every morning to see if anyone had died at a bay city rollers gig the night before it was fucking insane yeah it turned out that they actually played a secret gig in northern ireland there was a newspaper article in the Daily Mirror called The Big Bay City Secret. Those new sensations of the pop world, the Bay City Rollers,

revealed their big secret last night. They played before a packed house in one of the most dangerous parts of Britain, the Craigett Estate in Londonderry. Their words, not mine. And throughout the hour-long performance, the rollers were guarded by professional IRA gunmen. They played the secret gig during a recent tour of Ireland after announcing that they were taking a couple of days rest. At least 30 provos wearing black berets and dark glasses

guarded the group as they played in a church hall. Manager Tam Payton said, it was our contribution to help the young people of Ireland to forget the violence and learn what other youngsters all over the world are enjoying. It's like, fucking hell, the Bay City Rollers

have their own S1Ws. Brilliant. They make all that fuss about Mo Molen. Still, it's the It's like, fucking hell, the Bay City Rollers, they have their own S1Ws. Absolutely. They make all that fuss about Mo Molen. Yeah. Still, it's nice for the IRA to welcome some Scottish people to Northern Ireland for a change. So, Bye Bye Baby would stay at number one for six weeks, finally giving way to Oh Boy By Mud in the first week of May. It would sell nearly a million copies,

becoming the top-selling single of 1975 and keeping There's A Whole Lotta Lovin' by Guys and Dolls, Fox on the Run by Sweet, and Honey by Bobby Goldsbrough off number one. The follow-up, Give a Little Love, got to number one for three weeks, and they closed out 1975 with money honey getting to number three in december they would go on to bring their brand of rock and roll chaos to

the streets in april by which time they contributed to the death of a police officer les mckeown had knocked down and killed an old woman in his ford mustang caused loads of fans to run across a racetrack in Mallory Park while Noel Edmonds, John Peel, Annie Knight and Galen Emperor Roscoe were having a race, and Les McKeown hit a trespassing fan in the face with an air rifle. They spent 1976 trying to break America

and both their single releases Love Me Like I Love You and I Only Wanna Be With You, got to number four over here. As Diminishing Returns set in, the band splintered when Les and Woody started lamping each other on stage in Japan in 1978, then they fired Tam Payton and struggled on under various isms and schisms until, well, this very day. That is the number one sound of Bay City Rollers and Bye Bye Baby.

We've got to say bye bye. We're going to leave you with the Osmonds. See you on Radio 1 tomorrow at 9 o'clock and next week for Top of the Pops. Bye bye. Radio 1 tomorrow at 9 o'clock. And next week for Top of the Pops. Bye-bye. Tony briefly shills his Radio 1 slot tomorrow and hopes we'll be back next week before signing off with Having a Party by the Osmonds. We've already covered Ken, Ken, Ken,

Ken and Donner in Chalk Music number three, and this single is the follow-up to Love Me for a Reason, which got to number one for three weeks in September of 1974, in between When Will I See You Again by The Three Degrees, and Kung Fu Fighting

by Carl Douglas, the Ramadan number one of 1974. It's the second single from the LP Love Me For A Reason at a time when the band have come back together after Donny Osmond has been spun off as a solo single and also as one half of Donny and Marie and family members Marie and Little Jimmy have been pushed upon the world.

It's only reached number 43 on its first week of release, however, and three weeks later, it's gone up two places from number 30 to number 28. So here's the second screening of the video, or at least bits of it. Before we get stuck into the Osmonds, we've got to wheel back and come forward with something that was brought up in the last episode of charm music uh you dancing to

kung fu fighting taylor yeah that happened oh yeah yeah the only inaccuracy in that story is that it's often told as though i was somehow embarrassed because in fact i was having a fucking brilliant time and i only wish i could get that drunk more often oh so this how times change h ups 17 months ago the osmonds were so massive in the uk that they were given an entire week of nightly shows on bbc one which peaked when they co-presented top of the Pops with Noel Edmonds. And that episode culminated with the Osmonds dancing to the instrumental of this very single with the three degrees, while all the other bands stood behind them and looked on with a lean and hungry look. And no look was leaner or hungrier than the look being shot at the Osmonds by the Bay City Rollers,

who were on that very episode with Summer Love Sensation. Well, look who are the masters now, Osmonds. It's almost poetic, isn't it? Yeah. What a compare and contrast of fortunes. We are Osmonds, king of kings. Look upon our works in despair. Yes.

Relegated to the end credits. Yeah. And also, it's a bit unconvincing, having a party. It's like, oh, the Osmonds are having a party, watch out. It's like, that doesn't get too out of control. I mean, what kind of a party is this? The Republican Party. I mean, look, I've long since lost touch with young people,

largely because I now can't speak to them without sounding like the pilot out of Airplane. Or at least someone who makes cultural references like the pilot out of Airplane, which leave them staring blankly. But I'm pretty sure this has never been anyone's idea of a fucking party. Oh, what's going to be there? What is it?

Not even Coca-Cola. Yeah, milk. Well, the Bay City Rollers would be alright with that, because according to Tom Payton, that's all they drink. They love their milk. They're like Caledonian Humphreys. I guess the only appeal of an Osmonds

party would be seven girls for every boy, because it's the religion i mean i think the first time the osmonds were on here i mentioned that during the period in which they were successful i.e this period the official position of the mormon church was that black people could not hold any position of any kind within mormonism because they didn't possess fully functional souls and that does appear wiggins ovations prove them correct on that this does appear to provide some explanation for the music of the osmonds which is like suffocating in mayonnaise yeah it's it's um i think it's it's

like a homeopathically dilute version of Sly Stone in the Dance to the Music era. That's all exhortation, really, that they're trying to get going. Really, it's pretty empty stuff, really, from a group whose existence is now entirely unnecessary. Yeah. I mean, it is. This is supposed to be like a soul stomper, isn't it? Yes. It needs to have been recorded in you know

muscle shoals or somewhere and delivered with a rich throaty voice like a voice which is enough to listen to by itself because this is not a whistling tune or a piece of melodic craft this sort of song is a vehicle for a performance and nobody anywhere along the line seems to have understood this that this sort of song requires a remarkable delivery to be anything at all so in the absence of a charismatic performance it's just been crammed with overdubs and tooting horns and not these sounds of impersonated enthusiasm in the background like people going woo hey like yeah and they've stuck in key changes and compressed the recording to just everything to make it sound exciting yeah and it doesn't it just all that happens is it sounds over lit and it's glaring and it's too close to you you

know it's like what it sounds like is a 30 second intro tune to a saturday morning cartoon series or something right that isn't even meant to function as music, just a sort of fanfare or a quick blast of a whistle to get everyone's attention. It's like that but stretched out to a full three minutes and it hurts a bit,

doesn't it? It is, it's desperation, it's whistles and deedy boppers and clown buckets of tinsel and stuff like that and it seems to be a theme throughout this show. People, you know, there's desperation. There's sort of everything at the kitchen sink attempt to kind of galvanise these kind of rather unimpressed, inert youth. And is that to do with the innate inertia of the youth in 1975, the pop kids? Or is it just the crappy bit of fare that

they've been presented with yeah it's not been a good start for 1975 for the osmonds over here they had comeback gigs lined up at earl's court in january but they were postponed and at the time this episode was broadcast uh they can't pencil in replacement dates until the government announced the date of the common market referendum as they've already bagged in the venue first for vote counting purposes so you know europe's holding back the osmonds but it's a very strange follow-up to it this is i mean this is the third single that's a follow-up to number one and it's a strange choice because the song's obviously been about for 18 months because they were dancing to the instrumental to it on top of

the pops and it's also a really weird release time because this is more of a christmas thing isn't it i suppose yeah who has a party in march not in not in the 70s you have two parties a year yeah birthday and christmas that's right yeah so this is your birthday in march this is altogether inappropriate yeah they they are starting to look over the hill as well like they're putting on weight and stuff you know yeah so yeah what they're wearing what they're wearing here is a fusion of like western style tailoring like sort of chamois leather fringe jackets, like sort of cowboy suits, and those pure 70s shirts that are coloured like someone just randomly stuck a pin in the RGB wheel, you know, and made out of some sort of viscous, inorganic fibre.

It looks really weird, and it's not that flattering to a bunch of lads as lumbering and and frankly pudgy at this point as the osmonds because tight suede bell buttons with a with a lace-up fly were not really designed for blokes with thighs shaped like country hams you sort of chub-eating Utah. I mean, not to be unkind, but a couple of these lads got the kind of legs where if they sat down naked and looked down into their own laps, it would look like two Mr. Greedies facing each other, arguing over a dropped sausage. It's quite appropriate that they hail from Ogden, Utah,

because, you know, that's what they look like they're growing into, you know, like sloping off down the rovers in a donkey chair, dribbling in their chair. It's like what Harry Maguire is going to look like when he's 50, you know what I mean? I mean, fuck it up. We've all grown a little bit out of shape in lockdown, apart from the Joe Wicks fanatics with enormous front rooms, just from, you know, low step count and surging cortisol.

But what's the Osmonds' excuse? You know what I mean? It's the Mormons not recognise the sins of gluttony and sloth. Except I haven't said that. I mean, there is at least a sort of rather desperately empty attempt at energy. I mean, you can contrast the sort of listlessness of basic rollers, you know, that you talked about, but of course they don't really have to do anything because they're being adored for some other reason altogether

than their own intrinsic qualities. And you contrast that with the listfulness, as it were, of the Osmonds here, but, you know, to very little avail really because it's not, it was never really about them or their energy or their qualities or otherwise. Yeah, yeah. All right. A party held by the Osmonds or a party held by the Bay City Rollers?

I don't know. I think I'd go to the Osmonds party and then make my excuses at lunchtime. Because the lyrics are odd. Because it starts off with it's saturday night and my parents are out of town told all of my friends at school that tonight we're gonna boogie down my six parents are out of town and then all the all the girls arrive all the prettiest girls in the neighborhood the ugly ones are probably in the kitchen right sausage rolls or whatever and then they've got the latest records the music's up as loud as it can go yes which is probably not that loud and then it gets to a really chilling part of the lyrics this is why it's probably cut away because

this is the weird thing even top of the pops they can't be bothered to show the whole video yeah they cut back to the lights every now and again don't they yeah but there's a part in the lyric which sends a chill down the spine take a look at little brother he's a dancing fool watch him do the locomotion hey man he cool this is jimmy osmond we're talking about and then at the end it gets really weird because it says oh here come more pulling up in the drive everybody make a run for it because there ain't enough places to hide why has mam come back on her own what's gone off it's also poignant a bit about the latest records that they've got i wonder if the bay city rollers are among them yes yeah and watch out because it's Mam No. 4.

She's the angriest. Yes. They really do look like a group who've shot their last bolt here, don't they? Yeah, they really do. It's like the last halfway interesting thing they ever did was that LP The Plan, which is a grotesque prog bubblegum album,

which the purpose of it was all to try and flog their stupid religion to hormonal adolescence, right, through this really stodgy and doughy, over-ambitious music. And it's got a sort of vanity publishing feel to it. Do you know what I mean? It's like when you listen to it, it's got a complete of vanity publishing feel to it. Do you know what I mean? It's like when you listen to it, it's got a complete absence of control or cohesion or outside discipline.

And it's even got that crappy homemade looking cover, like those albums that religious nuts make on their own. Yeah. You know, but they were superstars at the time. So they were just allowed to get on with it. That was two years prior to this, which could be why this has got that sort of half-hearted,

sort of spunked-out feel to it. You know, it's like they've delivered their masterwork and done their holy duty, which nobody really gave a shit about because it was terrible. So what's left but the dull clutter of meaningless worldly concerns, like having a party. They can barely lift their feet off the ground, you know what I mean? They're just sat at home cramming white bread into their mouths

and trying to pretend that the religion to which they've devoted their lives isn't actually a ludicrous con job, which it so obviously is. So what's left? They're just waiting for the sweet summons from the heavenly horn section so they don't have to do any more of this shit i suppose the one thing about the osmond's a strange thing i suppose if you stretch the kind of you know the full set of siblings is is marie osmond i mean not just the kind of weird strange dynamic between the two siblings when she duets with donny osmond, all of those romantic songs, which is sort of...

But the time that she read out the text by the founder of the Dadaist movement, Hugo Ball, Karawane, which is like one of the most extreme works... Yeah, and it was some show, some themed show, and it's on YouTube somewhere. Marie Osmond reading out one of the kind of great Dadaist texts, and she does it, and she does it. I think she's just been presented with it and asked to read it.

But she makes a pretty decent fist of it. What was this for? It was some TV show. It's on YouTube. You just put in Marie Osmond, Hugo Ball, and there it is. And then she went on to sell dolls of herself on QVC. I worked at QVC. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man.

I worked at QVC for a year or so. All right. Really hoped to run into Marie Osman, but I didn't. Oh. I did get to share a table in the canteen with Joan Rivers. Oh. Yeah, sat directly opposite her. But I didn't want to say anything.

Did she say something cutting to you? No. No, she didn't didn't no she looked fucked off but i also um had a fag break in the company of paul lavers the great paul lavers mr midnight yeah and tony blackburn wow ah yeah but i didn't say anything because i was in awe and they didn't say anything particularly memorable so I can't I can't relate that story unfortunately but yeah. Is Tony a smoker? No he just wanted a nice stand in a Battersea car park and get away from the hell of QVC

for a bit. Tony's not a smoker. It's like kissing an ashtray. There's actually going to be an Osmond special on BBC One on Easter Sunday which is in 10 days' time, with special guests Andy Williams and Isaac Hayes. Wow. Isaac fucking Hayes and the Osmonds.

There's nothing you can tell Isaac Hayes about stupid con job religion. Oh, if only Isaac Hayes had done a fucking 20-minute version of Crazy Horses. About like 60 BPM. Oh, yes. Or Long-Haired Lover from Liverpool. Fucking hell, yes. So, the following week, We're Having a Party dropped two places back to number 30 and stayed there for two weeks before slithering down the charts.

The follow-up, the title track from their new lp the proud one right at the ship when it got to number five in june of this year but diminishing return set in and by the end of 1976 i can't live a dream scraped in at number 37 their last top 40 appearance in the uk until a re-release of Crazy Horse has got to number 34 in June of 1999 and that me dears is the end of this episode of Top of the Pops but there is a voiceover advert at the end for Super Biebs the best of Top of the Pops their first ever compilation LP featuring Kung Fu Fighting, Hey Rock and Roll, Sad Sweet Dreamer, Hello Hello I'm Back Again, Laughter in the Rain and nine other original tracks available in all good record shops for £2.46. That's three quid in today's money. Perhaps even more so what's on telly afterwards well bbc

one piles straight into are you being served where mr lucas conspires to throw a sick air so we can go on a date followed by the documentary series taste for adventure where a collector of steam engines tries to purchase some zambian locomotives. After the 9 o'clock news, Elizabeth Taylor stars in Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont, this week's play for today. Then it's midweek with Ludovic Kennedy, the weather, regional news in your area, and they close down at half past 11. BBC Two is 10 minutes into part three of Late Call, the Dennis Potter dramatisation of the Angus Wilson novel

about life in a West Midlands new town. Then it's the penultimate part of the documentary series The Roman Way, followed by Dave Allen at large. Man Alive looks at the first three days of the Clifford House adolescent unit in London, then it's News Extra with Angela Rippon, then Second City Firsts, a season of new plays from Birmingham. This week, Alison Stedman knocks off a student in Early to Bed,

written by Alan Bleasdale. Then Julian Glover reads Folk Wisdom by Thomas Kinsella before they close down, also at half eleven. ITV has just started Man About The House, where a bodged DIY job means that Robin, Chrissie and Joe have to move in with George and Mildred, and Robin has to share a bed with Tony Blackburn's wife. No, with George. Then the current affairs show this week,

and then Jack Regan goes out of his way to prove that a convicted prisoner on parole played by dim out of clockwork orange was framed in the swine after the news at 10 judith chalmers and jim lloyd piss about in the austrian alps and the spanish plane in wish you were here followed by what the papers say people people and politics escape, and they close down as late as 25 whole minutes past midnight. Fucking hell, ITV, calm it down. So, chaps, what are we talking about in the playground tomorrow? Well, I think it's going to be Funky Gibbon, really, to be honest. It's just that he's obsessed.

I remember this. I mean, it's really sad, really, because around this time, we ought to write an essay about our kind of favourite show, and all the kind of hip kids, you know, wore our collars outside of our kind of, you know, lapels and stuff like that,

and our ties in big knots, you know, because we were into the goodies. And then there was, like, this poor lad called Chris Melody. He was kind of the cringeworthy of the class. And in his essay, he just said, my favourite television programme is Dad's Army. I love the dumbling antics of Captain Manoring

and the platoon. And we'd do, ah, fuck. And it just got, like, jeered down. And of course, he was right. Of course, Dad's Army's better than the goodies. But no, it was such were the times that it would definitely have been the goodies. Yeah, yeah, the goodies, as usual.

What else are you going to talk about in the playground? And what are we buying on Saturday? A packet of chocolate digestives. I probably would have bought Funky Gibbon. Don't think I'd have stretched to anything else, to be honest. There are certainly better records here. But one or two anyway. there are certainly better records here but um one or two anyway but um i think i think i would just stuck to the goodies to be honest because you know money was tight yeah at the time the

goodies for sure but i mean obviously now it would be the same as all the top of the boxes from this particular area which is just all the souls exactly yeah yes including wiggins ovation hey oh god yeah and what does this episode tell us about March of 1975? I don't know. It was an awful long time since 1972, and it was an awful long way to go before 1981. Yeah, it's sweat and polyester and cigarette fog. And open, upfront passions,

but hidden, suppressed fears and neuroses which is pretty much the opposite of now um the only thing that does seem familiar is the sense of drift you know towards god knows what and very few things that that one drifts towards are good you know i mean people tend not to drift towards rescue or drift towards revelation you know you remember when we were talking about skiing in the snow yeah and i said is this the only uh yeah top 40 single with a double eye in it pompeii by bastille is the other the top 40 single with a double I in it. Yeah.

I thought it might be Blue Hawaii by Elvis, but that wasn't a single. Katy Perry released a single called Harleys in Hawaii. That sounds glamorous. But it never made the top 40. Right. Hawaiian Wedding Song by Juliegers got to number 31 in 1965 ah shit and and i'm guessing i i i i moosey doesn't count does it no it fucking doesn't yeah bastards yeah there we go good one taylor and that dears, is the end of this episode of Chart Music. Use your promotional flange.

Website, www.chart-music.co.uk. Facebook.com slash Chart Music Podcast. Reach us on Twitter at Chart Music T-O-T-P. Money down the G-string. Patreon.com slash Chart Music. Thank you very much, Taylor Parks. Cheers. God bless you, David Stubbs.

And yourself. My name's Al Needham, and now we've talked about that, let's talk about this. What's that? Girls, right on. Chart music. GreatBigOwl.com Oh, hello you. My name's Tom Price. Hello, I'm Dave Cribb.

You should come and join us. Every day we do a podcast called Cabin Fever, where we talk to loads of comedians who've had to cancel everything else in their lives, so they come on our podcast instead, don't they, Dave? Yeah, it's an isolation podcast. Dave, were you yawning at the start of that sentence, then? Was it just a little yawn? Yeah, it's basically the Great Big Owl isolation podcast. We'll have people on from all our podcasts, from your Was it just a little yawn? Yeah, especially the Great Big Owl isolation podcast. We'll have people on from all our podcasts,

from your Ruler 3s, your Brian and Rogers, your musicals, your bitchins. If you like any of our podcasts, if you like any of those people, chances are they'll be logging onto the Zoom call and just chatting

because, let's face it, they've got nothing else to do. Also, there'll be a quiz on the bill. All right, see you soon. Lots of love. Cabin F-E-A-3-7-O-9 O-O-O, that's our Twitter name. soon lots of love when you know you're going to be on stage you want to make sure that you look your best and that you're properly dressed for the part appearance was especially important to a gentleman named Hugo Ball.

He was a poet and a leader of an artistic movement called Dada. A hat like this was part of his costume, which looked like this. The number 13 on the cardboard tube that covered his face had nothing or everything to do with his performance. Dada artists didn't claim to make sense, but they did want to make unconventional artistic statements. Most of them as a form of social protest. In this case, the statement included waving a small flag while reciting a nonsensical poem. The poem was written and first performed by Hugo Ball in Zurich in 1916.

And it remains to this day a classic example of what Mr. Ball called sound poetry. Here's what it sounds like. A totally imaginary language invented by Mr. Ball. It didn't make any sense, but it wasn't supposed to make any sense. But nevertheless, Mr. Ball's performance got a rousing ovation and turned out not to be a passing fancy, but a new art form. Sound poetry.