Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast - May 17th 1977 - The Nationwide Jubilee Song Contest

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

In the last episode of Chart Music, we broke down Nationwide's Jubilee Fair - an astonishing melange of forelock-tuggery, Trad Jazz and moaning that things were better when we had an empire and National Service, which offered its viewers both an opportunity to revel in the past and a chance to experience what it was going to be like in the entertainment room of a care home in the future. But we stopped short of mentioning one thing: the ending, where the winner of the Nationwide Jubilee Song Contest got the chance to reprise their tune. And we’ve seen the final – 15 and a bit minutes of musical astonishment So, let us take you back to the post-teatime haze of Thursday May 17th 1977, as the hundreds of musical tributes to the Queen have been whittled down to five, and a nation – or at least, the part of it who isn't watching Crossroads – baits its breath for a Jubular soundclash of monumental proportions. Eric Smallshaw of Eccles gets the party started with a sultry Lancastro-Cuban call to Rhumbic Bacchanalia. The youth of Hucklow First School, Sheffield, praise the Queen with balalaikas for her ability to get on a massive boat and go around the world. Richard Gwyn and Cameo let an entire Principality down with their 'rocking' music. The Farringdon Infants School of Sunderland produce an indecipherable dirge of xylophone-bonging and recorder-blaring. And the Singing Butcher and the Coventry Kids shout their fealty to the Monarchy in a way that only 70s youths and a ginger meat-man can. But who will win? Only Richard Stilgoe knows...Team ATVLand - Neil Kulkarni, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham - sit down and tuck into one of the most gloriously mental slivers of British TV we’ve ever come across, breaking off to discuss Other People’s Children, the Hexham Heads, the difference between United and City fans, the Asian Jubilee Song Contest, and lifeboat crews rescuing a rugby ball in tribute to the Queen, or summat. SHIMMY AND SHAKE TO THE NUMBER, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!See all acts - and the voting - HERE   Last call for our live show on Sept 17th HERE    Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. This is chart music from Nottingham. The episode you're about to hear was recorded in August 2022 as a bonus for our lovely Patreon subscribers which is being released now to a nation which is clearly crying out

for the soothing balm of Eric Smalkshaw of Eccles in its hour of need. So, on behalf of Team Chart Music this is Al Needham advising you to keep calm and stay pop-crazed. This will certainly have an adult theme and might well contain

strong scenes of sex or violence, which could be quite graphic. It may also contain some very explicit language, which will frequently mean sexual swear words. What do you like listening to? Um... Chart music. language which will frequently mean sexual swear words chart music

chart music Hey up you pop craze youngsters and welcome to a very special episode of Chart Music The podcast that usually gets its hands right down the back of the setty on a random episode of Top of the Pops. But not this day, oh no. I'm your host, Al Needham. And standing on the balcony with me today are Neil Kulkarni. How do. And Taylor Parks. Pleased to meet you. Now, you'll recall, Pop Craze youngsters, that in Chart Music No. 67, we embarked on a gun-to-tape dissection of the Nationwide Jubilee Fair,

a 90-minute programme which was broadcast on June 7, 1977. But we stopped short at the thrilling denouement of said programme, the performance of the winning entry in Nation's jubilee song contest and there was a very good reason for that pop crazy youngsters because we have managed to source the grand final itself and oh it was much too good to just dash away in a preamble wasn't it chaps oh indeed truly awe-inspiring spectacle so we're going to go through it in the chart music style and fashion that you've come to love and respect so let's not piss about it chaps because we are going to discuss a remarkable document of socialist threat from the very peak of jubilee

fever i don't know how you felt but when i watched this for the first time it was the musical equivalent of big daddy just bursting into your living room picking you up and then slamming you into a paddling pool full of trifle oh yeah yeah and there's no building up to it it's straight in with the with the wonder no fucking about no so let us set the scene a little bit created in lime grove studios in september of 1969 nationwide was a bbc one current affairs show which pulled together the bbc regional studios every weekday from 6 p.m and consisted of 20 minutes of regional news in your area be it midlands today reporting scotland spotlight southwest seen around six look north wales today points west be it Midlands Today, Reporting Scotland, Spotlight South West, Seen Around Six, Look North, Wales Today, Points West, South Today, Look East and London, and consisted of 20 minutes of regional news in your area from 5 to 6pm,

followed by all the regions converging on London for 40 minutes of middleweight current affairs and mad shit from the provinces. By 1977, it's already launched the careers of Frank Boff, Esther Ransom, Sue Lawler, John Stapleton, Des Lynham, Sue Cook and Richard Stilgoe, had been the petri dish for programmes such as That's Life and Watchdog, had even inspired a board game and at the time of broadcast, Stans Pratt as one of the flagship programmes of BBC One and an immovable mainstay of 70s television.

Chaps, nationwide, did your family partake? Oh yeah, definitely. I mean, that was what was weird to me, getting an increased notion of television in the 80s, that these were people i'd seen before you know all of them boff lawley bob wellings valerie singleton like you said still go stapleton yeah they all cut their teeth on nationwide and i remember jimmy hill on the friday spots for sport as well of course and then i think he was replaced by ron pickering and then

des linem towards the end so so the bbc had big faith in this show throughout the 70s when you look at late 60s episodes of nationwide they're kind of basically michael barrett behind a four micah desk with a with a corporation phone on it and that's about it but but as as the 70s grows as the 70s goes on you know you've got telly screens behind the presenters a growing team and an increasing use of celebrities to judge the mad shit that was going on on this show yeah people forget that in the old days like there was just the telly was on it was just on if you're in the house the telly was on and you had three chairs arranged that were all pointing towards it yeah it's not you know people put their telly up on the wall and it's like off at an angle? What are we doing with that?

You don't tuck the telly away, man. You fucking show it off. It is its room after all. Yeah, well, you'd walk past a street in the summer, early evening. Kids would be out playing. Every window would be open. You could smell everybody's dinner. And as you walked past, you could hear the high-frequency hum

of everybody's telly on even if you couldn't hear what they were watching yeah and at this time of night there was nothing on like there was nothing on so people would watch nationwide there was usually somebody in the kitchen washing up or whatever everybody else was arranged around the front room just staring at nationwide as mentioned many a time and oft we were an itv family so i'm afraid to say it would have been crossroads in atv today round our ass but you know i'd seen plenty of nationwide at other people's houses and on the portable telly upstairs when i've had enough of the mad world of sally oak and the hotelier business so yeah i'm extremely okay with

nationwide yeah fucking brilliant program looking back isn't it in a weird way it does prefigure a lot those those kind of appeals for for charities and stuff and competitions mad competitions you know with odd judges you know cook of the realm compared by stubert hall with them in katty jakes as a judge and and of course you know all of the nutty news items that usually took up the last five minutes of the local news found their way usually into nationwide yeah usually it's the centerpiece of an episode well yeah you'd get some you'd get you'd get some cross-country roundup of clergymen refereeing ladies wrestling or something and just this mad mad shit you know coupled with just sort of stark items about the rise in price of Polaroid film.

But it kind of made this weird, weird sense. I mean, I think the thing that I loved about Nationwide was its proclivity towards covering the weirder side of things, really. There's no other way of describing it. I mean, well, let's run through the greatest hits of Nationwide. The giant snail drinking a pint and then falling off. Which actually died died it turns out well it's hardly surprising we watched a giant snail die on air fucking on the moment about faces of death who would think giving a poisonous substance to a creature that's about two inches

long and has no digestive system a bit bigger than that it was fucking huge man it was the size of a fist and of course you know the skateboarding dog uh live worm charming from the lead studio and of course the woman dressed as a judge fainting live in the studio when they were trying to demonstrate the different salaries of people great days great times unless we forget of course the hexum heads oh yes which was a terrifying story i mean you know how it was that like you know the bbc had no problem absolutely putting the shits up kids oh yeah um just randomly and and the hexam heads these were these two lads in um hexam sort of uh west of newcastle two brothers who basically dug up two tiny stone heads

in their back garden which were very similar actually to the african voodoo statue in a particular episode of hammer house of horror but as soon as they took them in the house like weird stuff started happening to them loads of poltergeist activity the constant smell of animal piss um and to be honest with you i mean reading about the poltergeist activities a lot of those alleged incidents sound like subsidence issues, to be honest with you. But, you know, they had a constant wet dog smell. And then they started seeing werewolves, like, in the house. Yeah.

And I remember the BBC showing this kid telling his story, suddenly putting a terrifying werewolf running at the screen, which must have shat up an entire generation and it turned out to be richard stilgoe well the good thing was nationwide they didn't dismiss this stuff you know because a year later i think they had to follow up with them and ross and a sort of noted scholar of celtic and pagan histories um saying that she'd taken charge of these heads to investigate them and write about them and she'd seen the werewolf as well, and so had his daughter. And then some bloke popped up saying, actually, I made them in 1956.

Imagine anyone in Hexham who was into Deep Purple. Yes, would have been really pissed off by having their name nicked off them. I still believe in them, because the guy who eventually got them was a guy called Frank Hyde, who was a dowser. You remember the fondness of dowsing back

then um and he has just literally disappeared off the face of the earth um as of the heads um but you know they should want to cover stuff like that they'd cover ufo sightings and things like that which all the time yeah which are just great for kids to watch although i seem to remember and what has surfaced since on like the bbc archive site and stuff they seem to cover ufos and ghosts with a healthy skepticism i mean considering this is a program the lifeblood of which was insanity they seem to to yeah they have a healthy skepticism about this sort of thing there's that guy i've forgotten his name with the beard who used to go around and be very sort of, you know,

he was like the urban sophisticate, turning up in places like, you know, Gateshead, where there was like, oh, my flat's haunted. And it always turns out to have something to do with the vagaries of the new-build social housing of the 1970s. It's like somebody coughed on the first floor and it made all your cupboards shake on the sixth floor, you know. Tonight, however, is a special occasion. on the first floor and it made all your cupboards shake on the sixth floor you know tonight however

is a special occasion as nationwide has been given three separate programs on jubilee day tuesday june the 7th including a 90 minute nationwide jubilee fair it has been decided to mock the occasion with a special jubilee song to commemorate our beloved Queen and her 25 years on the throne, with the winning entrant getting to reprise the song at the end of said fair. So the call has been sent out for the general public to send in entries, and this is the grand final with those hundreds of entries whittled down to five. Now, chaps, I think I speak for all of us when I say we love the 70s, we love song contests,

and we love the general public having a go at writing songs. So when a song contest involving the general public of the 70s who have written their own songs drop in our laps, it's fair to say that it's a great day for chart music isn't it oh yeah especially presented by michael barrett in a pair of flares that give him the silhouette of a darling now i've tried to dig around and i have no idea about the adjudication process but on the basis of the ones that have made it to the final, and God, I'd love to hear some of the songs that they're not back.

Oh, man. Fuck me. Oh, man, too right. So it is Dateline, Thursday, May the 19th, 1977. On the cover of the NME, The Ramones. On the cover of Melody Maker, Dolly Parton. On the cover of Record Mirror, Eric of the Bay City Rollers, dressed as a geisha girl.

The number one single is Free by Denise Williams. The number one LP is Arrival by ABBA. The number one single in America is When I Need You by The Old Sailor. And the number one LPp is hotel california by the eagles what is on telly today well bbc one kicks off at 20 to 7 with a triple bill of open university entitled harmony television and politics and biscuits and then closes down at five to eight for one hour and 46 minutes at 19 to 10 we get an hour in a bit of schools programs then it's the penultimate episode of other people's children who wants to explain that to the Pulp Craze youngsters who are unaware?

Well, it's a show for carers and people who have child minors and people have to look after other kids. Now, think about that title, Other People's Children. Who do you think is going to present that? Yes, indeed. It's pretty horrific. Yeah, it's Savile. Well, it was Savile on the first episode anyway. He yielded the floor to Mavis Nicholson.

A far safer pair of hands in all so many ways. Well, Mavis Nicholson appears on the Savile episode that I've seen. As does Brian Redhead, presumably hired so that Jimmy Savile, at least, is not the person in this episode who looks most like a paedophile. No, there's three blokes on it and Savile looks the least paedophilic, doesn't he? Yeah, well, I mean, what it actually proves is that Savile wasn't interested in kids this young on any level

because they're not useful to him and they're too young for him to prey on. So he has no interest in them whatsoever. So he's supposed to be hosting this program for carers. And he's visibly infuriated by these kids. It's like a little playground set with kids crawling around going on swings and a slide and that. And he hates it. He looks at them the way I look at flies buzzing around my kitchen it's like i wish you weren't here i'm not that bothered but i will kill you if i can they have

that child expert on as well fucking hell he looks the worst of the lot he does it doesn't bear thinking about no moving on very swiftly after a short burst of schools programs it's another close down for 45 minutes then it's on the move the midday news pebble mill at one ragtime you and me more schools programs another close down for 25 minutes and then roy hood does something for the oldens in the 607080 show, which focuses on yoga and gardening. After regional news in your area, it's Play School, a repeat of White Horses, Scooby-Doo,

and then Blue Peter dropping on the Chelsea Flower Show. After Fred Bassett, it's the evening news and regional news in your area. That's it. It's the evening news and regional news in your area. BBC2 also commences at 6.40am with an Open University bum rush, then closes down at 5.00am to 8.00am for three and a bit hours, coming back at 11.00am with Play School. Then it closes down for four and a half hours, returning at 5.00am to 5.00am for a huge festival of of open university they're currently doing a program about inflation yeah you were right taylor fuck all on that's the way itv get

the party started at our past date with good morning calendar an early trial run of breakfast television if you happen to live in the yorkshire area everyone else has to wait until half nine for a morning full of schools programs then granny's kitchen features dorothy slaytome musing upon the meaning of hey diddle diddle and get some kids to make us some cheese scones and we go for a country walk in stepping stones after all about babies looks at the man's role in the care of a young child i.e earning enough money to ram some fish fingers down their gob and then fucking off to the After All About Babies looks at the man's role in the care of a young child, i.e. earning enough money to ram some fish fingers down their gob and then fucking off to the pub, it's news at one, regional news in your area, and the sitcom Sadie It's Cold Outside.

Jack Rosenthal's snappily titled non-Magnum Opus. Mavis Nicholson talks to Edward De bono about lateral thinking in good afternoon then it's a repeat of the private detective series public eye oh yes do you like one of the greatest tv programs ever largely because it stars alfred burke who was one of those great and incredibly magnetic uh british tv actors But it's also a brilliant show. It's about this sort of odd, low-budget, highly principled private detective, very down at heel, who's simultaneously very emotionally connected to the world,

but also too hardened and scarred and jaded to really be a part of it. He's like a cross between Philipilip marlow and george orwell it's always worth watching public after that it's crown court the cedar tree the lost islands little house on the prairie the news at 5 45 regional news in your area and david hunter has just started giving stan ar Harvey some business advice and crossroads oh it's all building up to this moment today's television isn't it all right then pop craze youngsters the main event is about to commence always remember we may coat down your favorite

random member of the public with a tune about the Queen. But we never forget, they've been on the nationwide Jubilee Song Contest more than we have. The trumpeters of the Royal Military School of Music heralding in a very special edition of Fit for a Queen, because this evening we're featuring the very best of the hundreds of songs that you've been sending us in tribute to the Queen in her Jubilee year. From all over the country, we've received rumbas, rock and good old-fashioned sing-alongs, and we'll be hearing a little bit of everything now in our own nationwide Jubilee song contest. All around the country, musicians are tuning up to play their pieces. All around the country, too, juries are settling in their places to decide for us which song will be tonight's

winner. And in good old Eurovision style, first we'll hear all the songs, and then with the help of Nationwide's answer to Angela Rippon, Richard Stilgo, we'll go round the country calling on each jury to vote. Predictably, the contest opens with a grand fanfare from eight members of what looked like the Salvation Army, three of whom are standing on some white steps with massive old-school football pennants hanging off their poncy trumpets, while a huge royal crest with a crown at the top and the words, FIT FOR A QUEEN emblazoned across it, hangs overhead. for a queen emblazoned across it hangs overhead, and already a spell of grandeur and theatrical spectacle hangs thick in the air.

Your host for this evening. Born in Leeds in 1928, Michael Barrett was relocated to Paisley in his teens and began his career as the tea boy for the Sunday Mail, but swiftly graduated to the role of horoscope writer, and by the age of 18 was the assistant sports editor for the Daily Record. In 1952, he moved back to England to do the same job for the Loughborough Monitor, but four years later he relocated to africa and became the assistant editor of the nigerian citizen while there he was invited by the nigerian broadcast service to host a political

debate program on national radio returning to the uk a year later he bounced around various local newspapers as a production journalist and was a regular contributor to the BBC World Service and dabbled in freelance television reporting. In 1963, he made his first appearance on Panorama, reporting on the Profumo affair and became one of their roving reporters. In 1965, while he was working as a presenter on Midlands Today, he was recruited by the BBC to help set up a new daily magazine programme, 24 Hours, which he eventually became the presenter of.

And in 1969, when the BBC was looking for something similar, albeit with a lighter touch and earlier in the evening, that would keep hold of the audiences that regional news in your area was attracting he became first choice as presenter and coordinator of nationwide he's in his last year as a nationwide presenter but he's going to be on the bbc for some time yet he's been signed up to present episodes of Songs of Praise, he's chairing the Radio 4 show Gardener's Question Time, and at the end of November,

he's going to appear in the Goodies episode, Punky Business, as a swearing newsreader with dyed hair and all chains through his nose. Oh, Michael Barrett recently left us. Yeah. What a career. Oh, yeah.

And perfect for Nation 1. Oh, Michael Barrett recently left us. Yeah. What a career. Oh, yeah. And perfect for Nationwide. Oh, absolutely perfect. So relaxing and takes the serious seriously and the unserious unseriously without sneering at it. He's absolutely perfect. I mean, for me, like Nationwide, I remember when bloody David Dimbleby started presenting it and the writing was on the wall by then.

It was fatal. A lot of BBC things, they focus group the hell out of it, which is a real shame. Yeah, Barrett was provincial as fuck, wasn't he? And unashamedly so. Yeah, rarely seen without a crumpled fawn suit. Barrett,

wearing that fawn suit with a brown tie and regulation Saxons, stands in front of a white rainbow with raster colours projected on it as he introduces us to this special event, laying out the rules with his assistant Richard Stilgo, who stands in front of a scoreboard looking like an angry metalwork teacher, as was his want throughout the latter days of the 20th century. So, yes, chaps, five entries and five juries, all from the same studio.

So that's Manchester, Leeds, Cardiff, Newcastle and Birmingham. I mean, what a shame the other six nationwide regions didn't get an entry, and even more of a shame that they can't vote. This could have gone on for fucking hours. Yeah. Yeah. The South very much frozen out here. Yeah. I mean, who knows what songs could have come in from fucking hours yeah yeah yeah the south very much frozen out here

yeah i mean who knows what songs could have come in from that area of the country um yeah it would have been a gold my man this could have run as long as eurovision would have run oh definitely yeah but um yeah and the eurovision similarity is obviously something that i play on throughout this uh this little nugget. And so, without further ado, let's go first to Manchester to hear Eric Smallshaw from Eccles singing his own composition to welcome the monarch, Olay. Bar-ba-bum-bum, let's shimmy and shake to the number They call it the Jubilee Rumble

To welcome the on the goal lane They do it in sunny September Or even in foggy November So join in the Jubilee Rumble To welcome them on the goal lane There's carnival magic in places From London to Summit or Bay Let's put a big smile on our faces

For it's cheers for the Queen all the way Ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba Let's shimmy and shake to the number They're doing the Jubilee Rumble to welcome the Monarch Ole. Eager to kick on, Barrett whips us straight over to the BBC Manchester studios where we are greeted to the sight of Eric Smallshore of Eccles

and his entree to welcome the Monarch Olay and oh boys we are off to a flyer I do believe that a new hero has entered the Charm Music Hall of Legends right next to Peepoo. Oh yeah. Immediately part of the pantheon I would say

He's in a room that looks uncannily like Father Seamus Fitzpatrick's room of Nazi memorabilia in Father Ted. Yes. And Eric Smallshore, he's a slightly mad-eyed gentleman in a sort of safari-coloured suit and massive common shirt. Yeah, he looks well-dactaried, doesn't he? He does. And he's accompanied by a sort of chap on a doubled Hammond organ.

In this song, Jubilee Rumba. Chuckle with vibes emanate. Oh, this number, it sizzles with afro cuban heat um you know of course the rumba rhymes only really last for the first two verses by which time uh eric's got to throw in the the practically dadayist rhyme you know but what-bum-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-bum-ba. But what the fuck? It works. Come on, it's ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba. Olé. Yeah, I mean, it could only really have been improved if Hilda Woodward from Lieutenant Pigeon had been on the keyboards. Yes.

But it's a magnificent start to the show. Or Hilda Ogden in a common Miranda rig out. I mean, Eric looks like Rita Feycliffe's ne'er-do-well brother who turns up in Weatherfield to have a go at Bet Lynch and get his hand in the till of the cabin before being chased off by Len. You know, he's got that off-white safari suit jacket,

he's got grey crumpled flares and a stripy brown and grey shirt with massive condor collars and a big thick dad-sized belt buckle. You're underselling him. Yeah, yeah. This is Marky Smith's dream of Elvis.

Yes! Eric Smallshore from Eccles, accompanied by, yeah, the guy on the organ refusing to lift his eyes from the keys. No. Thorn crimpling, safari jacket, Bontempi rumba which he delivers as though swimming through heavy ale yes it's definitely set to the tango setting isn't it that organ oh and it yeah there he is with his claw promazine eyes and a genuine swagger. It has to be said. The thing about Eric is he's so perfectly old school Manc.

It's beautiful. Yes. Spell with a K and a C. It's like this guy could not have come from Liverpool or Birmingham or London. He's in a very specific tradition of Manc weirdos, like cocky but genuinely deranged. Yeah, mad Cyril.

I would pay any money to hear more of his work. In his way, Eric Smallshore tells you as much about Manchester as Marky Smith or Sean Ryder or Morrissey. What makes it a more interesting city than Norwich or Derby is this undercover weirdness, right? Which I think Oasis may be steamrolled a bit, like so many other things, because 25 years on, the place has barely recovered from that.

We do a Jubilee song contest and we still get to stick the knife in Oasis, man. It just doesn't stop, does it, man? We don't sleep. No, Taylor's right. The combination of weirdness and flashness is what this is all about yeah yeah because for all its sort of self-regulating northern toughness manchester always had this strange knack of creating and nurturing and to

some extent permitting a particular kind of weirdness that's identifiable as mank rather than anything else and it comes out of the city and is also in some ways in opposition to it right and london has that in a different way liverpool has that in a different way to some extent newcastle has that in a different way and almost nowhere else yeah it's pure beauty yeah i mean because he is he is amusingly mad but there's also a hint of menace as well i think it's when he's doing his dad dancing but and every now and again his eyes seem to roll in the back of his head like the undertaker when paul birra lifts the urn up in the air it's like you wouldn't fuck with him oh god no if he tells you to do the jubilee run but

you fucking do it mate yeah too right and also i mean to be honest with you out of all of the jubilee programming we've been watching um this is the moment where i feel proud um yes and i think that spirit overtakes the cameraman to a certain extent because there's a moment where the the cameraman gets so tumescent with with patriotic pride he just starts zooming in on the union jacks slowly but yes and just holds it there as if he's trying to calm the audience exactly it's all right yeah because they've got four union jacks on the backdrop but in the middle there's this massive royal crest in the middle with this huge fucking crown looks really good it's a shame eric isn't wearing a crown and robes and shaking an orb and scepter like a maraca yeah no he would he would never be so presumptuous but um yeah what

a start to the show and and definitely the peak of yeah national pride for me it can't be communicated you have to see this right it can't be communicated in words but it's like evidence of a previously unknown infiltration of mk ultra into the will tappers and shunters social club it's oh it's just it's so fantastic i've been really thinking a lot about eric smallshaw yeah he's obviously united for a start not city oh you can tell yeah not just because he's from Eccles, which is United country, but because of his nature, right? It's less like this now

because of changing demographics and changing football fortunes, but it always used to be really easy to tell that generation of United and City fans apart, right? The sort of... It was like a mouth-breathing idiot of a less exotic stamp

they'd always be city and these kind of cocky weirdo who thinks he's it was always united right you met a mank and you thought who the fuck is this guy always united right you met a mank and then instantly forgot him city right because united yeah I mean, there's good and bad in both of these, but United were always identified with that swagger and flash, you know? And City was the choice of the men of few words. Yeah, you can imagine Eric at home with a big pyramid of pint glasses

pouring a load of pale ale into it. Yeah, but it's more than that too. It's British weirdness of a type that's now dying out right or is being polluted and poisoned by being hustled on tiktok you know becoming an act and being stretched beyond its limits or just flattened at source by too much bland media you know in a culture that is more open but simultaneously more repressive so nothing seems remarkable now because you can just go on the internet and see some bloke swallowing eight guinea pigs in a car park you know and so at the same time people are jaded

and they're also less tolerant of your shit and there just isn't the same space for people's own strangely shaped characters to grow and develop in the darkness, you know, out of sight, which I think is where Eric comes from. We've got to talk about the lyrics for each of these songs. And in this case, I like what Eric's working towards

because it's the least suck-ass song in the entire contest isn't it we've said before god save the queen is the most cat shit national anthem in the world because you know every other anthem says isn't our country dead good or we won a battle once and it was skill and ours is just a concentrated lick of one person's ring piece but this song it celebrates us and our ability to shimmy and sway to the number you know the queen's merely the catalyst and the excuse for that natural afro cuban exuberance which comes so easily to the british i mean it's some lyrics for you there's carnival magic in places from london to sunny tor bay let's put a

big smile on our faces for its cheers for the queen all the way let's shimmy and sway to the number we're doing the jubilee rumba to welcome the monarch ole i think michael barrett's got it wrong there because the obvious title is jubilee rumba isn't it yeah but you know the eric smallshaw from echoes doesn't always do the obvious thing no no no and he's taking on here you know polyglot influences from around the world um you know emblematic of what has made Britain great. And his focus is on the party. You know, it's not on the figurehead. His focus is on the party. So God bless him.

Exactly. Taylor, I mean, when I was watching this, I just thought, he's got to be a turn who does the clubs. He's probably supported Punch at least once in his career. He's probably the most professional of the batch, the batch isn't it we're in a manner of speaking certainly there's no trace of stage fright no no he's performing he's doing this every saturday night i think somewhere yeah whether you want him to or not article in the stage dated 19th of november 1970 santa has a soft spot for Eric Smallshore and Stan Martin,

talk of the North songwriting team, who skillfully exploit local colour to boost interest in their output. Old Trafford Chant, their famous soccer anthem, for instance. There you go. Now they have come up with what may well turn out to be a Yuletide standard. My Christmas Dream. Norma Cathro's recorded version of which is to be featured in the traditional festivities

staged throughout December in Manchester's city centre, Piccadilly Gardens. Incidentally, singing postman Alan Smethurst has decided the same dream is too much of a good thing to lose in his LP And he's making a single of it, available now in record stores Recorded at Strawberry Studios He's a jobbing songwriter, and you can tell, man Out of all of the songs, this is nicely crafted

I'm not going to spoiler it, but yeah, off to a flyer. Yes. Does stick in your head as well, doesn't it? It does. Oh, God, yeah. Basically, if he was your uncle, you'd be rolling your eyes and thinking, give it a fucking rest.

But he's not, so it's great. Yes. And it's become one of the biggest cliches in 70s pop, but I'm going to say it anyway. Everyone who saw Eric's small shore of echoes on the nationwide jubilee song contest went off and formed a band there's carnival magic in places from london to sunny tarbay let's put a big smile on our faces for it's cheers for the Queen all the way. Ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba-ba-bum-ba, let's shimmy and shake to the number.

They call it the Jubilee Rumble, to welcome the Maldon. Olé! Olé! Well, now for a complete change of tempo, we cross the Pennines to hear the children of Hucklow Fair School from Sheffield sing and play their headmaster's composition, Silver, silver jubilee Silver, silver jubilee Sing our silver song for you Silver, silver queen.

A diagonal wipe takes us back to Barrett, who reacts with a clearly amused ole as he flies us over the Pennines to the BBC Leeds studio, where the youth of the Hucklow First School are waiting to unleash a song penned by their headmaster, entitled Silver, Silver Queen. a school are waiting to unleash a song penned by their headmaster entitled silver silver queen and oh boys we're immediately transported to the world of the school music room aren't we with the bonging of the xylophone and the tentative strumming of guitars and balalaikas with sir

in a dark brown zip-up cardi and grey flares, benevolently watches on playing guitar as a spell of quiet reflection and adoration is cast and immediately broken by a lad on a xylophone using his free hand to scratch his ear. The headmaster's the only one who wants to be there. Yes. I mean, you know. Who really wants to be there.

He does. Oh, no, but it'd be a good day out for the kids wouldn't it go to that bbc lead studio core it's a totally execrable song and that headmaster should be ashamed of himself for writing it but what is kind of nice about this clip is the fact that these are real 70s little kids they're not in it like say st winifred's were, you know? So what we see is, like you say, that kid scratching his head. We also see yawns because it's obviously been a long day. Yes! Yeah.

And you see fear as well and a bit of discomfort at large over all of their faces. So it's a very familiar kind of viewing, really. If any kids have been forced into this kind of shit yeah it's all there where did they get the balalaikas from well we had about two xylophones in my junior school around about this time and you were just not let anywhere near them no apart from really special occasions we never got to play xylophones we certainly didn't get any balalaikas no um it was strictly recorders around our way um that's all you got. But yeah, quite a well-appointed school musically. It's a bit of a habit in this show.

It's possible that teacher takes those tourist holidays up the Volga that used to be advertised in the back pages of the Guardian. Yes. Not at all a front for anything. That's where he got the balalaikas. So you've got about eight or so kids playing the instruments but off to the side of a choir of 20 or so of obviously the best singers in the school and yes neil they are dressed like proper 70s kids in other words as

if they've been loaded into a cannon and fired through a charity shop indeed i mean you can tell it they've all been arranged by what they're wearing or what they look like there's one girl right at the front presumably pushed up there because she's got a light blue Jamie Summers flared jumpsuit with a patch that reads Jubilee but also because she's covering up a lad wearing a yellow t-shirt with a lip smacking

thirst quenching Pepsi slogan no advertising on the BBC get to the back they should have made them all wear school uniform. It's the usual BBC. Right. You know, unlike kids' programmes, on BBC you normally have to either wear your school uniform

or your Cub Scout or Girl Guide outfit. Whereas on ITV you're allowed to wear party clothes. Yeah, run around. Yeah. This is a very run-around choir, isn't it? Yeah. It is. And there's one adorable moppet on the side who looks like a cross between johnny ramone and that ukrainian girl holding the

balloons on a stick at the 1968 mayday parade of course there's a couple of lads in on-trend matching tie and shirt combos and you just know that the tie's on a bit of elastic yeah and yeah there's one massively fidgety girl who keeps looking at the people on the other side of her and pulls off a half yawn just as she gets a close-up it's great man yeah at least no little fingers go up little noses which is a miracle but it really is fucking some beelzebub school choir in it it's like for any of us who were at primary school in the 70s it looks like a bad dream we might have now in a time of crisis you know yeah you watch it and you're just back there in a bowl cup completely just clutching an instrument that you can't play yeah it's either staring solemnly straight ahead frozen

or with your eyes darting all around the room as though somebody was going to step out of the shadows and tell you what to do you know it's a pattern that many of us have uh stuck to well into middle age yeah it's all xylophones and pinafore dresses and polyester shirts with that beardy comb over sub-stilgo teacher on the nylon string guitar. And of course he wrote the song. Yeah. Which goes, we remember where you've been, round the world and back again, to the lands we've never seen, silver, silver queen. queen yeah so she's being hymned for her privilege it's just typical forlock tugging yorkshire in it you might say uncharitably probably didn't go down that well in the refectory of leeds polly at that time

but large swathes of yorkshire would have been right behind but what those kids need to realize as as the queen ever been in a caravan park in chapel st leonards or skegness or inglewool's for a whole week i don't think so the other striking thing about this performance there's an actual black person in the choir yes but don't worry nan because he's been pushed to the back and we only see the top of his head oh right, right, I didn't even notice him. Yeah, because in the, what is it, two hours of nationwide umbrella Jubilee programming that we've watched in great detail for this podcast

and this extra podcast, he might be the only one, you know. Yes, I think he is, you know. We are moaning of the lack of non-white people in this and on the Jubilee Fair, but, you know, let's remember there was a special song contest for the Asians, wasn't there? Indeed, for us Asians.

I mean, and it's a bizarre thing, the Asian Jubilee Song Contest, because it kind of reveals that the BBC, when they were covering Asian stuff back then, were really entirely pitching it all to a certain type of Asian person in Britain, really. This is not... The Asian Jubilee Song Contest

is basically comprised of an awful lot of very posh Indian classical music, really. It's not a show by or for, I don't know, Pakistani or Bangladeshi immigrants to the north of England. This is a show for middle-class Gujaratis and Sikhs and Punjabis only from the south and the Midlands, I think.

They're not doing the Jubilee Banga. No, they're absolutely not. I mean, the music is entirely... Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, banga. Possibilities were endless. But the music's entirely unreflective of what Bollywood's knocking out at that time. And that's why there's literally no young people in the audience for it either. No. You know? I mean, it's a shame because that period is actually a

period in which uh you know groups like a lap and producers like kuljit bamra are starting to blend a bit of folk with electronic production on tapes it's the start of bumra basically this period yeah but you won't see even a hint of that here much like my parents only listened to pre-60s indian music because they thought it all went to cat shit after that so you know that whole generation in a sense to keep their homeland intact in their memories also froze the musical culture it would take the second generation asians to agitate for something more but what we get in the asian jubilee song contest is for the old folks it's kind of the desi equivalent of the good old days basically right and so is this like asian schlager yeah yeah that's exactly it that's exactly see i was wondering about that because what this is for anyone who doesn't know it appears to have been

broadcast as a special episode of seven days right asian magazine no doubt at 6 55 a.m 11 years since george harrison invented india and they're still stuck in the graveyard slot and i mean there's not very many laughs there partly because it's all in i is it in hindustani yeah yeah so yeah like the ignorant oath that i am i couldn't understand what anyone was saying except that in the news summary at the start several of the stories included the english words national front which is pretty fucking depressing. But also because the songs aren't funny. No.

But I was watching it thinking, I'm totally willing to believe that an Asian audience who's more familiar with this culturally might have been rolling around with laughter, especially the guy wearing a velvet bow tie, frilled shirt and jacket with sequined lapels, like Bernard Manning. bow tie frilled shirt and jacket with sequin lapels like bernard manning and perhaps by finding most of these entries quietly beautiful i'm being ignorant no no no there's nothing funny here as

such i mean if my mom was watching this or my dad was watching this they'd have been wincing slightly because they spoke marathi and they considered hindi an ugly language rather rather meanly often it always sounded ugly in their mouth when they spoke it actually marathi is quite a lyrical musical language and that's where the initial bollywood films came from but yeah they would be moaning about that but no it is deadly serious this there's no laughs i mean look i don't speak hindi so i don't know if these songs are earnest hymns to Elizabeth II. But, yeah, it's deadly serious. There's no laughs there, apart from occasionally in some of the outfits. I was going to say, though, they're singing like,

oh, I wish you were still in charge. It's much better there. Perhaps so, but it's weird, isn't it? Because like how... Bring you some tea. There's no black and Asian people in any of the nationwide Jubilee coverage. And, you know, whenian people are sort of part of this they do this rather serious rather solemn thing but then you know it's back to english people

throwing rugby balls into rivers and various other things that are obviously you know closer well black people were represented by kneeling is weren't they i find it hilarious that the asian song contest consists of all these people performing delicate, complex, carefully rehearsed pieces of music, and it's on at five to seven in the morning. Well, the Nationwide Song Contest is on at prime time, and that's the real song contest. That's like the official one.

The more things change, the more they stay the same if you want that eric smallshaw of echoes energy from the asian subcontinent i think you have to turn to uh venu malish and his deathless classic it's my life whatever i want to do freely available on youtube you're welcome but yeah the most depressing bit in this is where they bring the bloke on at the end and he starts speaking in english about how wonderful it is and he gets really excited because there was a white girl in one of the musical groups who is obviously really into it and he starts talking he's like the only person talking in english in the whole thing and he's got quite a posh voice and he's saying oh isn't this great and it's like yeah it's you can sort of see how that would fit into a

a jubilee yeah moss do you know what i mean there's not a lot of seething street anger there isn't there isn't this i mean to explain the five to seven in the morning slot i think all asian programs got that sort of slot i thought i think programmers just thought, you know, we'd be up praying to the sun or whatever. Getting the shop ready to open. Exactly, exactly. Anyway, back to Sheffield, because near the end, they tried to encapsulate the tender wistfulness of the song

by doing a sweep of the cherubs of South Yorkshire. But the cameraman has to stop because one lad started scratching the back of his head like a bastard. Clearly terrified of a knit outbreak in the BBC Leeds studio. So anything else to say about this, chaps? Well, even as a five-year-old, I would have considered this song too babyish. Yes.

And that's what's most objectionable about it, I think. You say that, Neil, but, you know, there was the Human League, ABC, Cabaret Voltaire, Cloque d'Ivoire and Pulp. But before all that, there had to be the Hucklo first school. We remember where you've been From the world and back again To the lands we've never seen Thank you. And from Yorkshire now, we move south-westwards to Cardiff to hear some rocking music from Richard Gwynne and his group Cameo,

their song simply titled Silver Jubilee. Now everybody shout God Save Our Queen Clap your hands Barrett picks us up and flings us westward to Cardiff Warning us that we're about to hear some rocking music Courtesy of Richard Gwynne and Cameo Sadly, not that Cameo If only Larry Blackman was there with a Queen's head on a cock piece going, sexy jubilee. Yeah.

Now, these are very much the sucker DJs who think they're fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, God. Before we try and glean something out of this, we do need to walk back to the nationwide jubilee fair because one thing we failed to touch upon was the sacred rite, which was performed live

in order to bind Wales and England together. We should get someone from the local rugby club to kick a ball into the River Wye so it could be retrieved by a brand new rescue boat. We set off a Welsh male voice choir to do their pieces when they got it for the second time. An awe-inspiring spectacle.

Oh, man. I did actually catch my face watching this in the reflection, and I did look delighted. I really did. Frank Boff expressed the wish that this tradition would happen every Jubilee. So if you are headed to Chepstow Castle, don't forget to boot a ball into the river. And if anyone stops you, tell them you're doing it because you love the Queen

and fuck off. What are you going to do about it, granddad? So, Richard, why cameo? Where to begin, chaps? Let's talk about what they've come as, eh? Yeah, they're all decked out in Union Jacks like packs of Tesco cheddar. Yes! Richard's wearing a West Cup with all Union Jacks over it,

over the satiniest red shirt ever. And cameo are wearing Union Jacks over it, over the satiniest red shirt ever, and Cameo are wearing Union Jack tank tops. Essentially the jam training tops, aren't they? They're all wearing plastic Union Jack boaters, but Richard has got the tallest and spangliest Union

Jack boater because, hey, he's the front man. He's practically a Union Jack het Jim Reg. No, Jim Rag? Jim Reg? I apologise to the Welsh for that terrible pronunciation, frontman yeah it's practically a union jack uh het jim reg no jim jim rag jim reg i apologize to the welsh for that terrible pronunciation but hey you gave us richard gwynne and cameo so i reckon we're even welsh people yeah i mean he could only ever have been the front man he's he's the tallest he's the best looking in a way um but as soon as he opens his mouth and starts singing um yeah we realize this isn't really rocking music no it's certainly not it's more of a kind of 60s jangle and in his voice i mean it's

weird because you know his voice makes it plain even if the rocking accruements don't this is a fucking song from the 1870s not the 1970s yes it's got this very strange old not i wouldn't even say vaudeville it's pre-tin panali type shit it's awful it's fucking dreadful man for so many reasons well i mean beyond the utter shittiness of the song and the sentiment and look at the band it's the fact that they've um done that hateful thing they've written in crowd participation moves that really aggravate me and give me a retrospective anxiety attack about all the participation I might have to do. Come on, chaps.

Clap your hands. Stamp your feet. Now everybody say, God save the Queen. God save the Queen. I mean, it's also the first performance where we actually get to see some stagecraft, don't we? In the shape of Richard's hand gestures,

which produced a hand gesture of my own in response. The performance has the thick musk of the failed Opportunity Knocks audition, hasn't it? Yeah, they're like a sub-punch band. They should have been called Bitch Slap. They've got a guitarist who manages to make a Les Paul sound like a ukulele. Yes. I don't know how he does it.

And that most ghastly of things, a proper singer who's obviously been a professional for years. He sounds like he was an old r&b singer from the 60s and there's nothing worse and more embarrassing than that kind of strong confident faux passionate voice yeah on something like this or a cup of soup jingle or whatever you know like with its soulfulness exposed in the light as affectation and fraud, you know. Yeah. And I love the fact that this is obviously the most competent and musically accomplished effort. And it dies like a fucking dog.

Yes, it does, doesn't it? Hopefully they'll learn a lesson from that. Yeah. Also, not only are they Welsh, they're representing cardiff yes and the lyrics include references to the queen of england yeah yes yeah yeah have i missed something i don't know whether that's good or bad you know dan well which half of wales he's from and it fucking ain't the north i can only imagine what welsh viewers were making of this. Disgusted, appalled, embarrassed, etc. I heard some Welsh nationalists actually burned their own homes down in protest at this.

I mean, shame on the Welsh entry and everyone involved in it, because this is by far the arse-lickiest song we're going to hear this evening, right from the opening bars of Rule Britannia onwards. You'll notice, chaps, that Scotland doesn't seem to have got involved in this. But Wales, in the form of Richard Gwynne and Cameo, are practically ripping their own forelocks off. Sample lyric. Elizabeth II, may you live a happy life.

Your subjects, they all love your role of mother, queen and wife. The magic that you bring us in your own familiar way. May it always live forever. Aye, forever and a day. Clap your hands. Yeah, I mean, replace the queen with Kim Jong-il and that would be all too believable as a North Korean thing. It's the most, it's the nadir of this show, this one.

But it gets worse because after the modicum of audience participation, which absolutely falls flat in an empty studio, the other thing that marks it separately from the other songs is that Cameo find the time

to prize open the buttocks of King Tampax, allowing Richard to put his face between and go, and may the sun you give us, Bonnie Charles, the Prince of Wales, Richard to put his face between and go blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl May we celebrate his silver jubilee. You've got a fucking long wait, Doc. Of course, you have some other sons. You didn't just give birth once. Unfortunately, one of them will turn out to be...

No, no, no. And he speeds up at the end, you know, so that they seem to cut it early in case people at home stop pogoing and spitting. But, God. I mean, this is the most horrific sight seen on Nationwide since it showed those clackers exploding and potentially firing shards of plastic into kiddies' faces. Shame on you, Wales. You're better than this.

Come, everybody, celebrate her silver jubilee And may the sun you gave us, money, chars, the Prince of Wales, find happiness on every sea, wherever he may sail. May every land he visits love him just as much as we. And one day may we all celebrate its silver jubilee. Flip your hands, stamp your feet. Now everybody shout God save our Queen. Clap your hands. And now for a bit of relaxation after all that foot stamping and hand clapping, let's listen to our youngest contestants this evening, the children of Farringdon Infant

School in Sunderland with their song 25 Glorious Years. When we have glorious love This is the land of the free This is still the land of the free Barrett worrying that the competition is getting out of hand It's still the land of the free. Barrett, worrying that the competition is getting out of hand with all that foot stamping and hand clapping, offers us an oasis of relaxation as he transports us to the assembly hall of the Farringdon Infant School in Sunderland,

who are representing Newcastle, which won't offend any Maccams in the slightest Maccams and Tackhams indeed so yeah this is the only uh OB isn't it they filmed it from the assembly hall and fucking hell you can just smell it can't you the musty curtains and the oh yeah you can smell the beef stew and athlete's foot. Yes. You know damn well that there's one of them huge hymn book things that have to be pulled down and winched up

when you want to change the lyrics off to the side. Yeah, I mean, it's like, this is worse than a nightmare about your late 70s primary school days. This is an actual memory. Yes. It's like they're in that school or with that sort of patterned wooden floor.

Yes, we had the same one. Everyone did, yeah. And it's so generic and so vivid. But yeah, the song's a drag, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it's a really potent memory because, I mean, watching this, I kind of found myself crouching

almost like I was returning to the height I was back then. Yeah, you wanted to get on the floor to sit cross-legged watching this, didn't you? I was, I've got to say, hugely impressed by the variety of instrumentation they've got. God, yeah. For an infant school, fuck that. Well, yeah. Jammy bastards. They've got lots of percussion, lots of glockenspiels and cymbals

and these wonderful multicoloured kind of clavichord things. Yeah. And recorders. Very Augustus Pablo. Oh, very much so. I mean, it's quite, it's almost hauntological. East of the river Weir. It's actually uncannily like some tracks off the Last Moon Bear's album.

But although they're infants, they've clearly been schooled in not doing the sort of thing infants would normally do when singing. So that none of them are doing the shouting thing that little kids do when singing. But at the same time, I felt an instant identification with those kids who were just kind of looking out the window or looking confused or not playing their recorders or singing anything. Yeah, they've got so many recorders and half the kids aren't playing them. Yeah. thing yeah they've got so many recorders and half the kids aren't playing them yeah but simultaneously i felt an instant hatred of those little kids who are smiling and projecting and doing it properly fuck those creeps yes i really warmed to the kid who basically looked like a young version of this magazine's brown bottle yes who was playing a xylophone and that distracted me from some of

the lyrics which i don't know, did I detect a line, this is still the land of the free? What the fuck? Well, I didn't detect any of the fucking lyrics because it's an OB, so it's a really echoey horn. Yeah. And then you just get this drone of fucking recorders. I couldn't pick out anything apart from 25 glorious years and Queen.

And I'm going out on a guess here, but Jubilee. Yeah, which rhymes with this is, I definitely detected this is still the land of the free. Right. Well, Britain's never been called the land of the free. That's the sort of Americanism. So what the fuck is going on there? Poor kids, man, being forced into this.

I mean, the overall tone of the song And the performance is essentially North East Korea isn't it Yeah Sullen pacified kids swearing obedience To Liz Hill Regina And again it's not mentioned But you know that Miss

Sat at the pianos wrote this Oh yeah Of course Seven years ago she really wanted to be Joni Mitchell But now she's doing this Yeah This song's got the same tune as Good Times Roll by the Rutledge Seven years ago, she really wanted to be Joni Mitchell, but now she's doing this. Yeah. This song's got the same tune as Good Times Roll by The Rutledge.

And it obviously took ten minutes to write, but then several weeks to bake into this discordant gloop. Oh, God, yeah. I bet they drilled the kids with this. It's the sound that only blank-faced 70s schoolchildren can create, you know, in these horrible acoustics with the slightly out of tune, upright piano reverberating up into the high ceiling as though it was shinnen up a dangerous rope with no crash mat. And yeah, you've got 50, you know, untrained, unbroken voices going through the song like a dustbin lorry going through a plate glass window it's yeah it's not the sweetest sound i mean there'll be grannies all over the country shedding a little oh yeah fucking hell but that backdrop's nice isn't it there's a huge

collage of a royal coach which was probably made out of every single milk bottle topping in Sunderland. I'm appreciating the art more than the craft of this song. And we only get a minute and 20 seconds of it, but, oh, that's more than enough. And then off they go for a bag of Tudor sweet and sour crisps and a Vork Shandy each blessing. Hopefully just in time for Ludwig. Yeah. So, yeah, chaps, these kids there are the same age that you would be in 1977.

Would you have partaken? Would you have wanted to partake? No. Get your face on telly, Neil. That would have been a fucking massive deal as a kid in 1977. That would have been terrifying. I'd want to be made to stand in the corridor whilst all this is going on with my fingers on my lips.

That would be better, thank you. No, I know what you mean. I would have liked to have got my face on the telly. I don't know if I'd have been able to, at that age, resist the temptation to, you know, flick the Vs or something like that. Not so much the Vs, but the Fonz double thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, your mum and dad would be so proud of you, though. Yeah, but I don't want to represent the school, you know? That was what I didn't like. If I wasn't going to represent it, I wouldn't represent me. I wouldn't represent the fucking school. Stick it to the mum, say it. Yeah, represent your set. CHOIR SINGS And for the last of our songs this evening, we go to Birmingham to hear the singing butcher and the Coventry kids with their song, Let's Celebrate the Royal Jubilee.

Flags of red and white and blue BARRAT, WITH A SLIGHT LOOK OF RELIEF ON HIS FACE, Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee. Barrett, with a slight look of relief on his face, takes us over to Birmingham to introduce us to the singing butcher and the Coventry kids for their entree. Let's celebrate the Royal Jubilee. Oh, we're back on form. Shamefully labelled as Birmingham. Yes. But in actual fact from Coventry. Just making

that very clear. Yeah, once again, the creative dowry of Coventry has been subjugated by the yim-yams. I know! It's a fucking shame. But yeah, watching this, man, my heart swells with pride. These kids are in vests, and they are shouting, which is what being

a kid in Coventry in 77 is all about being invested shouting yes what i like in contrast to the kids who've been on this show already is the total sort of well there's sort of unmanneredness in contrast with the kids we've seen before i also love the way that the singing butcher yes he really doesn't seem ready for this no he almost seems to mouth the word fuck as the song starts up. We're hit immediately with, A, a professionally produced song. Yeah. It sounds so much better than all the other songs.

Yeah. And the face of the singing butcher, who could not look more like a butcher if he was skinning a pig. Yeah, he's an offensive caricature of a butcher. Yeah, he really is, isn't he? You know, seen here with the sauce of his special under-the-counter pies. Of course, he paid off the police with sausages like he did in the war. I don't think it's just what we now know about the 70s

that makes this so uncomfortable. I think there's a genuinely sinister air rising from this unsmiling slaughter man there's like this unsmiling ruddy faced slaughter man and his pack of shout singing urchin some of whom are smiling some of whom are not don't know what to read into that but he's an authentically unsettling present and it's frankly mind-boggling that at the time the majority of viewers over the age of 40 would have looked at this and thought oh do you know what i mean that he's standing there in his straw boater flecked with blood wearing quite literally the butcher's apron yeah that's jubilee apron isn't it singing

with prince philip by your side how you fill us all with pride yeah that'll do it there is something of the nf supporter about him but i do kind of like the fact that the the kids here they're arranged by in classic kind of school photo mode they're arranged by age so front row you've got these totally confused and bewildered infants basically second row slightly boisterous six to eight year olds and the back row just totally embarrassed pre-teen yeah a bit too old to be there aren't they are the coventry kids i mean possibly the only group of 20 random cov kids you could pick all of whom were white as jimmy percy said the coventry kids are innocent okay they're all wearing these white vests with red piping and a clearly knocked off reprint of the jubilee logo and

they're flared up to fuck they they look like the residents of a very patriotic junior school northern soul club i do like the disorganization though when the camera sort of wanders around different faces some of them singing lustily some of them look delighted some of them look terrified some of them just sort of staring into space some of them you know look like they're about to get a frog out of their pocket you know yes it is a healthy about to get a frog out of their pocket, you know. Yes. It is a healthy mix. Nothing else about this is healthy. I mean, Christ, can you imagine if this was done today, what the kids would be like?

Oh, Christ. Well, the kids, it'd be totally different. The kids would be confident in front of the camera. Yeah. Yeah. And they'd be, yeah, they'd be flexing, as it were. Yes. Yeah, I mean, the kids here, they're seeing either what they can remember or what they can read yeah the big board behind the camera but you're totally right the song in contrast with the other

kids songs here sounds much slicker and much more professional well let's talk about that because you know information on the acts apart from eric have been thin on the ground but all this evening's coventry evening tele Telegraph is firmly on the case. Article. Sing a song of Jubilee on TV. A singing butcher and a Coventry songwriter are trying for a big break from the Silver Jubilee. Rod Woodward, a butcher in Belgrave Road,

Wycombe, Coventry, will appear live to sing Let Us Celebrate the Royal Jubilee by Mr Malcolm Tollan of 101 Cherrybrook Way, Belle Green. Mr Barry Thomas of Horizon Studios, where the song has been recorded,

said, we are looking for a major company to take it. Maybe A&M can, they've got a spare spot on their roster at the minute haven't they any mi maybe dino rod a demonstration record has been made which has been sent to record companies and played at coventry city football ground the song's background is the voices of children who are going along to the nationwide studio to take part in the broadcast. As for the lyrics, chaps, well, you know, there's the usual arse licking. You're so serene in your royal splendour.

We're proud to serve you and we're proud to say we're royal subjects. And we will remember when you were crowned on Coronation Day, which is a total fucking lie. Because most of you kids wouldn't even remember fucking Princess Anne's wedding. But never mind, because there's also an educational message here. The seventh queen in England's royal story. From 52 on to the present day. The throne is yours. You rule in all your glory. You make us proud

in every single way. I mean, they're going for it here, aren't they? They really are. Yeah, they are. Coventry is not fucking about. It's not fucking about. I mean, I'm guessing these kids are from the same area

the butcher and the writer are from belgrain and wycombe i mean most cough pop comes from like our bohemian areas if you will right elston but belgrain and wycombe are two of the roughest ass neighborhoods in the country so so good yeah it's good that these kids are on the tally then yeah it's just the that dead look in the butcher's eyes terrifies me i was half expecting him to finish the performance by suddenly screaming and swinging a bleeding half cow carcass into the camera and making goodies escape in the confusion like with a child under each arm you know waving a cleaver and shouting something incomprehensible about papists. It's like, I don't want to know what's in his shed.

It's all those dead pig eyes staring at him. That's what's made him this way. All day, every day, looking into the faces of death. But while that may be an explanation, it's not an excuse. He must not evade justice. I mean, not only the pigs on the hooks in his shop, but if he had a shop in Charlesmoor, he's got the pig people of Charlesmoor to deal with

as well, so it's kind of understandable. The seventh queen in England's royal story. From 52 up to the present day. The throne is yours, you rule in all your glory. You make us proud in every single way.

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for as I go racing at Ripon. And we open up the E2R revision link and call on all regions in their various languages to give us their votes. Each region can vote for all the other regions but not itself, giving four points, three points, two points or one point in order of preference. And the winner will, of course, naturally enough, be the song with the highest number of votes. And in the event of a tie, we start again. But before that, it's time for the votes from the chart music panel.

And we're going over to Coventry first. Neil, off you go. The votes from the Coventry first neil off you go um the votes from the country panel as follows uh manchester receives four points yes leeds receives two points cardiff receives no points yes newcastle receives one point. And Birmingham receives three points. Those conclude the votes from the commentary panel. Ooh, let's go over to London. Good evening. Good evening, Nottingham.

We're having a great party here in London. Thoroughly enjoyed all these entries. Wish we could give them all maximum points. You're supposed to leave an awkward silence. Okay, here are the votes of the London jury. Manchester, four points. Four points. Leeds, we've given three points.

Three points to Leeds. Why? Well, process of elimination. Cardiff one point. Oh! Gosh. Newcastle two points.

And finally, Birmingham i.e. Coventry with a thing over its head with Birmingham written on it. Null point. What? That's a shocker. I'm afraid so. Why?

Have you looked into that bloke's eyes? It's like a shark. Finally to Nottingham well manchester obvious nailed on four points because it would have been brilliant to see this on jubilee day while people were just starting to get k-lied and doing the jubilee rumba on the tables on the street party that we never had leeds two points i'm giving one point for them having the only black person throughout all the nationwide Jubilee coverage we've seen. And one for the song title Silver, Silver Queen, which sounds like a T-Rex B-side.

Cardiff, null poix for shameful arse licorice. Yeah, clap your hands and fucking stamp your feet now, you cunts. Newcastle, one point, only for that Royal Carriage made out of milk bottle tops. Which leaves Birmingham with three points because it's just a bit less mental than Jubilee Rumba.

So, the results in full from Chart Music, Manchester 12 points. Leeds, seven points cardiff one point newcastle four points birmingham six points oh that's the proper result but let's go back to still go so manchester will you come in manchester please uh bonjour ricardo? Buongiorno, Riccardo. Come stai? Si, it's very good. Si.

OK. You like to speak now, Stuart? Yes, I will. Very good. Yes, for Leeds, we thought it sounded like all kinds of everything remind me of you. And how many did it get? In fact, the headmaster wrote it one point. One point for Leeds? Yes.

Thank you very much. And for Cardiff? For Cardiff, we thought the vocal a bit banal. Only two points. Only two points for Cardiff. And the song, Newcastle? For Newcastle, 25 glorious years. Let's do a Glockenspiel recorder group. Notal. Only two points. Only two points for Cardiff. And the song, Newcastle. For Newcastle, 25 glorious years. Glockenspiel, record a group. Not bad, but three points. Trois points for Newcastle.

And for Birmingham? For Birmingham, the singing butcher, I think. Yes, typical of Eurovision song contests and football songs. He was tremendous. He gets four points for maths. Four points. Quatre points for Birmingham. Thank you very much, Matt.

Well, that's ironic. Stuart Hall giving the results of the Manchester jury. Leeds, can you hear me? Can you come in Leeds? Yes, hello to you, Richard. Hello, Leeds. Can we have your voting pleas of the Leeds jury? Yes, these are the results of the Leeds jury. Manchester, one point. No! I couldn't quite hear that. Was that 483?

No, it was one. One point. Thank you very much, Manchester. One point for Manchester. Cardiff, we gave three points to. Three points for Cardiff. Thank you, and Newcastle? Two points. Two points for Newcastle this is looking good for Birmingham. Yes, the winning song we thought was Birmingham with four points. Four points for the singing butcher, looks as if

he may well have his name up in lights. Like Eurovision, isn't it? Manchester and Leeds giving each other as few points as they can. Right, Cardiff, can you come in please, thank you Leeds. Cardiff, can you hear me? Yes, I can. Thank you Cardiff. Your voting please. For first Manchester, one vote. care right cardiff can you come in please thank you leeds cardiff can you hear me yes i can thank you cardiff no voting please uh first manchester one vote in point leeds three no fucking way thank you newcastle two newcastle dive wind and birmingham four points thank you very much

wales thank you it's like bucks fizz man they're running away with their sheep that's worth it just to see richard still a cunt speaking in welsh to the cardiff judge and her just completely blanking him refusing to acknowledge it in any way further intensifying my generally warm feelings towards the principality. But it's, yeah, also, I mean, I guess she's from Cardiff. She probably didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about. Yeah. Newcastle, are you there?

Can you hear me, Newcastle? Yes. Hello, Newcastle. The votes are as follows. Manchester. Manchester. One point. One point.

Thank you, Manchester. Leeds, three points. Leeds, three points. What? Cardiff, two points. Cardiff, two points. Leeds, three points. Cardiff, two points. Cardiff, two points. And Birmingham, four points. Birmingham, four points. Game over. It's obviously a song that melts the heart of the jury. So that's four juries

down, one to go. Brings us to the halfway mark of the contest. How can it be the halfway point of the contest? Because he's a smirking, unfunny cunt. And last of all, can we have the voting from the Birmingham jury, please? Birmingham, hello? Can you hear me? Hello from Stuart Roper with the Radio Birmingham decision. We thought Birmingham's

butcher was the best one, but we can't vote for him, sadly. Here's our score, then. Did you hear that, Neil? Birmingham's butcher. Manchester, two points. Manchester, two. Leeds, four. Leeds, four points. Cardiff, three. Cardiff, three points. And Newcastle, one. New Leeds, 4 points. Cardiff, 3. Cardiff, 3 points.

And Newcastle, 1. Newcastle, 1 point. Splendid, right. So the total score would leave us with Manchester, 5th with 5, Leeds, 11, Cardiff, 10, Newcastle, 8. That gives the winner as the butcher. Well, there really was a runaway victory there. Congratulations to Birmingham, to the singing butcher,

despite that awful pun about lights, and the Coventry kids with their song, Let's Celebrate the Royal Jubilee. We'll be running that again for you on our special Jubilee Day nationwide at one o'clock on BBC One. So do be with us then, won't you? But for the moment, let's hear it again.

so do be with us then, won't you? But for the moment, let's hear it again. A crushing victory for Berm, oh sorry, Coventry and they get rewarded with a full-length reprisal of their tribute to the Queen where we learn that the song has a proper Hey Jude-style run-out. The next day, the Coventry Evening Telegraph was full of it Coventry's singing

Butcher Rod Woodward made Mincemeat of the opposition last night In the BBC's Silver Jubilee Song Contest Rod, representing the Midlands Was seen by millions Of viewers on the nationwide Television programme

His Jubilee Song, written by malcolm tolan was voted top of the pops by panels in each of the bbc's five regions rod was backed by the coventry kids and now the song will be featured during the bbc's jubilee day Yeah, if your name's Rod in the summer of 1977, the fucking BBC are going to do you a favour, aren't they? Clearly. There are really only three cultural moments in Coventry life since the consecration of the cathedral in 62. This is clearly one of them.

The 87 cut vine of victory is the second one. And the third one is a photograph of me shaking the hands of a milkshake um outside a shop and yes pop crazy youngsters the song was featured on the nationwide jubilee fair but the coventry kids were completely knobbed off or there were some very special pies being sold under the counter and rob the singing butcher was aced out by alan price who hogged the performance yeah a bit disappointing that yeah yeah but they did whip around the regions and people were singing and clapping as michael barrett says a runaway victory as a as i'm sure he'd

previously run away with many other things pleased to meet you meet you. He does have that Gacy-like deadness in his eyes. It's horrible. Also, the cross-Pennine rivalry there, resulting in minimum points mutually between Manchester and Leeds. That's what allowed the

singing butcher to slip between them and deny Eric Smallshaw his due. much to the chagrin of the newton and ridley bean counters i don't dare i'll tell you what though we may moan about the result but you know thank fuck this happened in 1977 and not from the fall of communism onwards because you know all the eastern european nations that have voted for sheffield because of the balalaikas just Just ruined the whole thing. I feel like we've corrected a historical wrong today.

Yes, we fucking have. Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee was never released, but in May of 2022, Midlands Today reunited Rod the Singing Butcher with some of the Coventry kids for a news item. Oh, and to think people bang on about Abare. And we learned that the song was produced by Roger Lomas, who went on to do Likewise for On My Radio and Missing Words of the Selector,

all of the hits of Bad Manners, and Lee Perry's 2002 LP Jamaican E.T., which won a Grammy for Best Reggae LP. He's a bit of a local legend, is Roger Lomas. Is he now? Oh, yes. He actually just lives just down the road from me, and he's got a studio there.

I mean, he goes all the way back, because he was mates with Pete Waterman and stuff, and in the 60s he worked with a band called The Sorrows, who were quite a good country R&B band. So, yeah, he goes all the way back to garage news of that reunion uh earned one like on twitter that was me what the other thing i noticed of course nowadays half these kids have got white hair um i know it's 45 years ago but i was thinking they probably look like that six weeks after them none of them were ever the same again but denying those kids the opportunity to be on the nationwide jubilee

fair man what were they worried about do you think they were going to end up in the tunnel of love snogging or something it's just a rivaled anarchist spirit of coventry man they can't handle it yeah it costs it they have to go down to london you can't have like 50 kids going out of london who's gonna pay for that it ain't the bbc so what's on telly afterwards well bbc kicks on with baxter woolard rod and han in tomorrow's world then it's an episode of a program called top of the pops where kid jensen introduces the top combos in the hit parade we should do one of them one day you know yeah hugh weldon noses through the old ramble in the collections of the first three king georges in royal heritage then it's the nine o'clock news then play of the month heartbreak house by bernard shaw john timpson and dennis tooey present tonight

and they close down at midnight bbc2 has just started tucking into the news on two headlines then it's another episode of having a baby where this week's subject is breach births then it's news day followed by the ealing cinema season which which this week features a Gaumont British newsreel from September 1945, followed by the 1945 film Dead of Night, one of the first horror films to be made after the wartime suppression on them was lifted. Carl Perkins stars in Sing Country, the series based on the 9th International Festival of Country Music at the Wembley Pool this Easter. Then it's part two of Sea Tales,

a series of dramas based on all things aquatic. Sir Hugh Cason, president of the Royal Academy, laid on a big tea for Princess Anne last night, and we're allowed to watch Inter Dine with the President. Then it's late news on two, and they close down with Jeremy Clyde reading the lyrics of the folk song The Tune the Old Cow Died Of.

ITV's just started at Emmerdale Farm, where Annie Walker asks a vicar to intervene in an argument over a bequest. Then it's Paradise Island, the sitcom where Bill Maynard and William Franklin are shipwrecked in the Pacific and get up to all sorts. After Dennis Weaver gives a drug dealer what for in McLeod, it's this week, news at ten, the current affairs documentary Ulster,

the right to strike, then Gibbsville, the American drama series about two reporters in a mining town in the 40s. And they finish with what the papers say. But it doesn't matter, does it? Because we've just dug into the highlight of the whole day of that day's television. Fucking hell. Oh, indeed. It's not going to get better than Eric Smallshore today.

No. So, boys, what have we learned from this 15 glorious minutes of lost television from jubilee yeah well i mean what do you think you're gonna get if you hold a competition to write and perform a song celebrating the silver jubilee open to any protestants from anywhere in the country what you get is a bestiary complete with a babble of grunts and howls and you know it's kind of glorious even with richard still go at the scoreboard let out of the gibb rogers edmunds steve race russian doll for a as usual lend his inscrutably smug teacher with mysterious private life vibe to any televised demonstration of evil because proportionally like most of this show is members of the great british public yeah

far more than the presenters it's actually even more startling than nationwide ghibli special and it's to be enjoyed as such i would say and do you think the Queen saw any of this tribute to her you know was she sitting there a ton with a tea on her lap

nodding away going yes I am brilliant actually after watching this fucking hell you can see why so many youths went off and bought

God Save the Queen by the sex pistols the following week oh yeah indeed if you was having this rammed up your arse all year

fucking hell almost as many as went out and bought a two-year-old rod stewart track yes and on that note we bring this exceptional episode of chart music to a close thank you very much neil kulkarni god bless us god bless you especially taylor parks oh Parks. My name's Al Needham and fuck the one show up the arse with a stick with a nail in it. Flags of red and white and blue Fill the streets that wait for you

Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee We're so glad you wear the crown And we'll never let you down Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee You're so serene in all your royal splendour We're proud to serve you and we're proud to say You're so serene in all your royal splendour. We're proud to serve you and we're proud to say we're royal subjects and we will remember when you were crowned on Coronation Day.

We're so glad you were the crown and we'll never let you down. Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee. Let us show our deep respect, let our singing take effect. Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee. With Prince Billy by your side, how you fit us all in pride. Let us celebrate the royal jubilee The seventh queen in England's royal story From fifty-two up to the present day

The throne is yours, you rule in all your glory You make us proud in every single way We're so glad you wear the crown, and we'll never let you down. Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee. Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee. Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee! Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee! Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee! Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee! Let us celebrate the Royal Jubilee!

Thank you Birmingham, thank you very much indeed. That's absolutely marvellous. Shark music.. this, Mary f***ing Whitehouse went to this f***ing b***h and got it. Mr. Timbrook, today's day is to protest on behalf of the League of Shiny Shoe Wearers. Please maintain standards. Punk is awfully uncouth.

Keep Britain's shoes shiny. Please. MPs who were at the time discussing employment were disturbed by the outrageous disruption. What? I'm not saying it's true! I'm not doing anything with my body, dude! That's the end of the, uh,

news, so... to the loty end.