CheapShow - Ep 10: Chris Mayo & The Back Door Momma

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Special Guest: Chris Mayo In our 10th episode... Ash Frith finds the most profitable item in all of pop culture history... The Manimal Annual, he also gives a very convincing financial argument for inviting prostitutes to your big Wedding day! Eli denies he found ALL his charity shop treasure from the same drunken Hippy, he painfully attempts to try and audition from a play about mental health and finds the world's scariest snowglobe. Paul falls in love with a mug shaped like a chocolate bar, adds a few more "Gannonisms" to the pile and makes everyone attempt the "Ketchup Challenge" with nothing but a bag of cold fries! Our special guest, comedian and actor, Chris Mayo has to put up with all of it... He deserves a medal! So listen, enjoy, download, subscribe to "CheapShow" Follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow or @elisnoid @ashfrith You can follow Chris Mayo and find out more about his theatre work by following him on @chris_mayo or head on over to http://www.cuckoobang.co.uk/ Visit our lovely website for more podcasts www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, join us on Facebook - just look for "The CheapShow"! If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Share, Comment... all that jazz! Subscribe to us on Stitcher or iTunes and get fortnightly geeky fun WARNING *Show contains strong language and adult material

Hello, this is Paul Gannon, and before we dive headlong into episode 10 of Cheap Show, I just wanted to give you a warning. Now, due to very, very boring reasons, we had to do this show on the fly, so we ended up doing it in the corner of a pub with some friends. We whacked a phone out, pressed record and hoped for the best, and an hour and ten minutes later, we pressed stop. So, we listened back to it, and the audio is completely fine, but basically sit back, relax, and listen to episode 10 of Cheap Show And subscribe to us please on the usual channels Whether it's iTunes or Stitcher or Soundcloud

Just look for Cheap Show, all one word If you do that, that would be lovely Anyway, here's the show hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to the pho, it's time again for Cheap Show and here's your host Paul Gallon. I like her. I like Americans. And I'm Eli Silverman and here's Ash Frith. Hello. Hello, so let's just put it up front on centre in the podcast, making it real. All of our tech failed and half our audience went to the wrong venue. So we're doing it in what basically looks like an AA meeting right now.

As if he's got two pints in a short. He's happy. He's drinking, for a start. It's not much of an AA meeting. No. So we're going to be doing it with our phones as microphones, and I should probably stop hitting the table, because that will probably mean,

through something funny that I say, there'll be a dump. Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much. Fine. All right, good. So, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast where we go through the bargain basements of Great Britain to find some treasures and some terrors. I haven't really worked on the catchphrases yet and working them as we go. And we bought today the cheapest sound recording equipment. Yeah, we did. Just to prove that you can do a podcast on absolutely no budget.

You can do a podcast on a piece of tinfoil. Yeah. Yeah. Can you? Yeah, if you get it greasy. Slip a podcast straight on it. Just slip, just talk the podcast straight into this cone of tinfoil. Like a wax cylinder. Yeah, but with a big greasy pool at the bottom. Slip a podcast straight on it. Just slip, just talk the podcast straight into this cone of tinfoil.

Like a wax cylinder. Yeah, but with a big greasy pool at the bottom. I think you're confusing podcasting with making bacon. Making bacon. Making bacon. Making bacon. Anyway, so I've been doing a few ideas about saving money recently. I thought I'd run some few of these ideas past you.

Are these the money-saving tips? These are money-saving tips that I've come up with all by myself. Oh, good. Let's hear them. One, save money on expensive boxed vegetables getting delivered to your door by just taking a shoebox to the bins at the corner shop and having your fill. That's sad. It works.

It makes me feel sad. It works, though. Save money performing at the Edinburgh Fringe by talking loudly at the corner of your local pub whilst people are trying to drink. Oh, God, that hurts my feelings. That's what I did. But you had people come to see your show.

They did, but when I got home, I just felt like opening my front door and beckoning just disinterested passers-by through the door. Please come into my house, I'm going to talk at you. Save money on expensive U-tree investigations by basically just arresting anyone who presented

kids' TV in the 70s or 80s. That's fair. Yeah. That's not even... That's just true. That's just true, isn't it? Save money on having

an Ashley Madison account by just telling your spouse your marriage is dead. They were all men, it turned out. It turned out they were mostly all men. What do you mean all men? out. They turned out they were mostly all men. What do you mean, all men?

Well, you know, they were... Do you know what Ashley Madsen is? Yes. No, it turned out that it's not actually that many women who want to have affairs. Yeah, but there were men... There's sex workers... There was men...

...who go on this website, and yeah. There was men pretending to be women. It's all prostitutes. There was men pretending to be women. Yeah, there was a lot of men pretending to be women. There was a lot of men, and then a lot of men hired by the company pretending to be women. There was a lot of men, and then a lot of men hired by the company pretending to be women,

and then a lot of bots, you know, like, programmes, saying, I think you're sexy, Eli. And then you'd send, oh, I want to reply to that. And they said, five pound. And then you'd send five pound. You could send a message. So you send, you look thick, I see a picture. You sound just like Miranda.

But the sitcom. No, the lady. In the sitcom. No, the lady. In the sitcom? No, not Miranda, that woman, Hart. My girlfriend, online girlfriend. Oh, Miranda, your online fictional girlfriend. It was a good joke ruined by you insisting it was Miranda Hart. Yeah, exactly.

It's a woman's name, Paul. Is that how you do fucking improv? John. Yeah, who's called John? That's how you fucking do it, is it? Is that how you do fucking improv? John. Yeah, who's called John? That's how you fucking do it. Is that how you do improv? Yeah, is that how you do it as well? Make a noise and say John.

Yes. So, we've got to do a murder mystery scene right now. A murder weapon, yeah? John. Candle, John. Yeah, what do they hear? John. All right, I'll do John.

John. I'm just going to say John Alright Save money on using dating websites By simply sending pictures of your dick To all your female friends on Facebook Does that work? I don't know Try it

It's a top tip Try it with Miranda Save money on petrol By cutting a hole beneath your driving seat in your car And turning it into a Flintstones mobile It's fun and great exercise There's that one cutting a hole beneath your driving seat in your car and turning it into a flintstones mobile it's fun and great exercise there's that one and finally save money on netflix by taking a portable dvd play into cex and taking the pick of your box sets that's true that will save you money there's my

top but scratch sort of two of any trilogy so because there's only ever one of the film of the trilogy on there so yeah scratch them so they're not accessible. Well, that's fine. So all you'll do is... Just have the second one of any trilogy. Yeah. I watched the last Hobbit film the other day. Congratulations, you're a man.

Did you like it? Such crap. The film ends and then there's another half hour, basically. Welcome to Peter Jackson making films. Where it's a weeping Hobbit saying goodbye to a wizard for like 25 minutes. When you sell it like that, I want to see it. It's just utter pony.

I want to see a film called The Weeping Hobbit, starring Eli Silverman. I want to see a disease known as The Weeping Hobbit. Yeah? Yeah. And what would that disease entail? You don't want to go into it. People are eating.

Puss jewels? No, it's not. Don't want to hear it. All right. And then I came up with a load of cheap show alternatives to movies. Oh. Like Never Poundland. Aldi Right Moves.

Sorry. Aldi Right Moves. What's cheap about that? Aldi. As in Aldi, the German... Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, I've got you.

Aldi. Aldi. Aldi Right Moves. It doesn't work when you do it like that. When you pronounce it right. I've got you. Aldi. Aldi right moves. It doesn't work when you do it like that. When you pronounce it right. Yeah, when you pronounce it right, of course it doesn't work. Payne and Bargain. Bargain.

Payne and Bargain. No? No. All right, the Net-O. The Net-O. Oh, my God, these are now your references. Is Net-O even still going? That's up north as well isn't it

Yeah it's a northern thing Like Aldi I've got one more And Lidles Lidles I've got one more Sainsbury's No

Liddle Let Die What That's the best one Okay Liddle Let Die So at this point in the show Ash Two men and a little lady would have been better

That's even better Stuart Liddle Anything with Liddle A little princess Little House on the Prairie See you've been outdone Are we doing this live? We'll stop at this point now

So Ash over to you Have you found any interesting bargains or tidbits this week? You want money saving or you want bargains struck tidbit? I want whatever you've written. Well, I've got two things. Oh. Well, first of all, I'll give you a bargain I found. When I was out scavenging in the back rooms of Essex Sue Ryder charity shops...

I thought all of a sudden you were hanging around the back of Sue Ryder. No, she's been dead a long time. I stumbled across this, which I think is not necessarily going to work on an audio podcast, but this is the Manimal album from 1984 from the TV

show Manimal. Inside here, it's like absolutely mint condition. I was going to say, that is a lovely lovely Nick you can see he's wearing a tuxedo here just down here on the floor stroking her what did you say that was a panther? Black panther not the freedom fighter but the animal an actual black does anyone in the room remember manimal yeah one one guy it's a man in a tux that can turn into any animal. Any?

That you can think of, regardless of size. What are these strange monster heads that seem to be his wings? Has he got wings that are monster heads? He could if he wanted to.

He could turn into any animal. He could turn into like a jabberwocky, like a not real animal. Yeah, I reckon. Has he ever done that? Well, not to my knowledge.

What, fictional characters? I mean, he wears this He wears a pinky ring Which I don't think many heroes do No That was very very progressive at the time Yeah Inside here

I like that you've got the cast Which is this lady character This guy I was going to say Isn't that a famous singer song Sammy Davis Jr Looks a bit like Sammy Davis Jr. So, he got the job because he looks like Sammy Davis Jr.

He's even got a slightly funny eye like Sammy Davis Jr. If you kind of remember this face here, of this character, and then as we flick through the book, I will find some photos, and you'll see that it's a very similar expression. He's got one expression throughout. His acting range was just to have the same... There he's got one expression throughout his acting range was just to have the same

there he is again there he is same expression very very similar expression these two are best friends off set I don't imagine they were he's very handsome

he is handsome it's an annual it's not an album what's the difference annual comes out yearly oh look there's a beast this is him changing

I think that's him changing into something. Oh. Sort of a bad. Let me find. There was another picture of the guy. So she's quite sexy, isn't she? She's nice.

She's lovely. There he is again. Oh, yeah. Oh, look, he looks surprised in that picture. Yeah, he looks slightly surprised. Surprised, as in they've said, open your mouth very slightly and look exactly the same. Yeah. Because he's acting scared in that picture.

There he is just laying down slightly. Just, that's him relaxed. He's very suave. Was he some kind of policeman? What was his story? What did he do? I can't remember what he did do but he was a free man. Did he have like an office? He solved crimes and problems.

They all have. An animal, problems. Yeah. They all have. They come in, an animal, yeah. Yeah. I think the... Turn into a frog. I think Melanie... Not on demand. I've got like some guttering issues. Just hop up there.

Fly up there as an eagle. Fly up there as an eagle, turn into a frog, have a look around. Clear out the guttering. Then turn into, I don't know, a camel. Up there? No. Downstairs. You'd have to fly down. If you turn into a very heavy camel in the drain camel. Up there? No. Downstairs. Yeah, he'd have to fly down.

If you turn into a very heavy camel in the drain, it would flush it out and then it could come out the other way. Well, then why not come out as a snake? That would probably be the same problem and less calamity. Problem solving? See? I think this is... Meanwhile, Manimal's thinking,

wait, mate, I've got an ancient-ist mystery kind of mystic... Wasn't there another programme? ...skill? With a guy who turned into animals? No. It was just that one, Manimal. Just Manimal. Manimal. I like... that one Manimal just Manimal Manimal I like

Manimal the movie no but there was a crossover with Science of the Lambs it was Manimal and Hannibal no oh fuck this would have done that and he was a cannibal

so it was a Manimal cannibal with Hannibal fucking shut up so that's the Manimal album I bought this for five pounds which I think is on the expensive side of cheap, isn't it? Look, it's in good nick. But I looked on eBay, it's £27 on eBay. Ooh, bargain.

So you're going to sell it on? I'm going to sell it on, yeah, because I've got... And also, because I've mentioned it here, it's tax deductible. There you go. As long as this does get put out. I'd say, can I tell you what my find was then? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got it here. I'm very happy with this. I've wanted one of these for ages. It's a hat. Oh. It's a Cadbury's dairy milk mug. Oh, that is. In the shape of a block of chocolate.

Yeah, we've all seen it. It's lovely. We've all seen it. I got this. No chips? No, it's amazingly... Although, if it was insured, it would have chips served out of it.

Yes, it would. It would have chips. Or they'd wait and just put sugar in. Or they'd be wearing it on their head like a twat. At an angle. Mmm. Do you like a bowl of cereal?

Seven quid. Yeah, yeah, it's that thing. I do think it's lovely. Yeah. Nice bit of objet, Darl. It's nice. It cost me One pound

Oh lovely One pound And the only problem with it Is it's almost undrinkable Because It's a square top But it's got a round hole And you think that solves the problem

Dribble central It's dribble dribbling Dribble central my friend It's splashy Let's just say for example You make a lovely cup of tea One of your favourites You go

Oh Oh I'm drinking it What do you mean one of your favourite cups of tea Yeah it's a It's a really good example of tea, one of your favourites, you go, oh, oh, I'm drinking it. What do you mean, one of your favourite cups of tea? Yeah, it's a really good example of tea making in a cup. Why would you have hot chocolate in it? So, sorry, Paul, explain this to me. I'm going to make a cup of tea. Yeah. And I think, oh, I'll have one of my favourites. Like what? I've got PG.

Ginseng. Oh, right, okay. Yeah. So it's a herbal tea. Came to your restaurant. Whatever the point is, you've got a lovely cup of tea in here. I'd have hot chocolate in there. Right, hot chocolate in there. Hot chocolate then. Do you know what?

What? My friend, they've got this drink. He drank hot chocolate. What a great anecdote. No, this is going to be good. Go on. He had a drink, a hot drink, chocolate and peanut butter. Right, so, in the cup.

Are you going to know? You want to know what it tasted like? What did it taste like? Not very nice. And you're learning. You're listening and learning. It was a bit watery. It was like watery peanut water.

Anyway, it dribbles because it builds at the corners. Yeah, we know it dribbles. Oh, has it got corners inside? Yeah. So that means drink captures. That is not, for ornamental purposes, probably is more ornamental. You put that with the best on the sideboard. I have drank hot chocolate from this.

Big mistake. Yeah. Hot chocolate on my chest and a little bit on my lap. Anyway, I found that. Do you want to see? Is it my turn now? Yeah. What did you get then?

Because I personally think this isn't as good as Manimal. Manimal is great. I mean, I'm pleased with Manimal. Manimal is like you found gold. When I got Manimal, I also got a first edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide as well for £9. Hardback. Wow. You are not going to believe this i almost honestly bought the exact same thing as this really but my girlfriend stopped me doing it saying you might as well just buy eli aren't you glad you don't have a girlfriend stop you from buying t-shirts like that for people who can't see obviously yeah he's wearing uh well he's

got a t-shirt that's a tie-dye probably 90s hangover a guy went to a rave in that took some meow meow i don't know it's a tie-dye but it's got like three colors isn't it yeah it's got green blue and white i genuinely nearly bought an exact like a tie-dye t-shirt and my girlfriend was just like did you know you might as well just buy a tie-dye t-shirt. And my girlfriend was just like, no, you might as well just buy a tie-dye t-shirt. It's not funny. But I think you have proven that it is. I think that's a great purchase. I like it.

This whole bit, by the way, Ash, is about stuff we like, not shit stuff. No, I know, but it's about... You know that, yeah? It's about... You know that I'm going to wear this. I want you to wear it. Can you put it on now?

Yes. He's going to put it on. All the ladies at home, if you're listening, imagine Eli taking his clothes off. He's sweaty. There's some muscle on show. There's gristle. There's a little bit.

Eli's slightly struggling to put the T-shirt on. Yeah, he's got it on. Oh, I mean. Oh. Oh, look at that. That is lovely. It fits you like a t-shirt. What do you think? That is lovely. It's actually quite nice. It's on you.

What was the price then? It was £1.25. Wow. It's brand new, mate. Is it brand new? Well, it's good as new. No. It's not frayed in any way? No. It smells good? Well well it doesn't now because you put it on oh

oh why because I'm a stinky tramp you fucking twat is that all you've got yeah you stink you smell you're hairy

you'd be surprised how much mileage I'm getting out of it quite a lot Ash doesn't do that to me yeah but I've noticed can I point two things out?

Yes. It's got two holes in it. Oh, it does. It's got a hole in. There, and there's another one there. Oh, fuck. Do you know what that is? I know what those are.

They're blimberns. Blimberns from a sliff. This is an authentic piece that belonged to an actual hippie. Yeah. Who smells of Woodstock? This adds value, in fact. Not the holes. Yeah.

Called by rocks of hot weed. 72. Yeah. And this is thestock? This adds value, in fact. What, the holes? Yeah. Caught by rocks of hot weed. 72. Yeah. And this is the Isle of Wight. And that's the Isle of Wight Festival. The Isle of Wight Ferry. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it is.

Oh, well, you're wearing... I'm going to literally wear this in real life. Are you? Yeah. This is not just for japes. Good. Thank you. Well, there we go.

So we have to decide which is the best. Yeah. What. Thank you. Well, there we go. So we have to decide which is the best. What's this bit called? Cheap show treasure. Cheap show treasure. Right, okay. That's what this bit's called. So, Rogan, then, you get to decide.

Out of the cup, the dairy milk cup, made out of dairy milk, right, the Manimal annual, which is harder to say than I made out. It was £5, though. I do. £1, £5, and Eli's... £1.25, piece of social history. annual which is harder to say than i made out pounds though i do one pound five pound and eli's one pound 25 piece of social history how how's the price that fit into this it's just it's what you think is the treasure what's the

really good who got the bargain as an exquisite cultural artifact yeah and sociological and anthropological. Artefact. Historical artefact. A revelation of the 1990s or something was it? Oh, 1984, yeah. I would say that Manor Ball. Manor Ball wins. I think going into this, we all knew Manor Ball was going to come out top. It's a good piece.

I am aware that I pushed the boundaries of cost with £5, but it was one of those things, I saw it that I pushed the boundaries of cost with £5, but it was one of those things I saw it and I said, no matter what, I've got this. Even if it was my last £5, I'd have bought this. Would you, though? Like I say, tax-deductible. Fair enough. Tax-deductible.

You do take this seriously now. Well, and also, you can make a profit on that. I'm going to. Which is what he can't do with that. Oh, he could easily. Could you make a profit with that? It's beautiful. Yes.

I'm just so pleased that I didn't buy it. As warned by, I just need to hire a market stall, just could easily. Could you make a profit with that? Yes. I'm just so pleased that it worked. As worn by. I just need to hire a market stall, just have this. I paint the, like a white table, just this. T-shirt, just there. Just one T-shirt on a rack. Yeah. In Iraq. And I'll just like stand there.

Take it to Iraq. And I'll get some kind of beret and like stand there. Wow. And you would not get arrested? No. And they'd go ooh interesting shop

and then I'd sell them some cereal like what about this alright egg cup cereal cafe you have to give us more you get an egg cup

put some fucking cereal in it cereal and then go that's three pounds yeah alright I'll do that does anyone know what happened to that shop

that restaurant that sell canned fish no there was a shop that just sold canned fish yeah it was like they had lots of very nice was it J, that restaurant that sells canned fish? No. There was a shop that just sold canned fish? It was like they had lots of very nice canned fish. Was it Jamiroquai's canned fish shop? It was a really small shop and everyone really sort of filled it up.

It was like, they're in their sardines. Let's do the next fucking thing. So sorry. Good. Well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, I should really do it to the mic. Ladies and gentlemen, in our impromptu knockabout comedy stylings, let's bring on our guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, comedian, actor, and all-round person called Chris Mayo. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Mayo! Hello. Hello. Welcome to the Fun Party House. So we like to introduce all our guests by giving them a quick questionnaire, get to know them a little bit more.

So I do have a question for you. So you've been getting involved in acting a lot now. Yeah. You've seen the process. You know how that works. Yeah. When you look at such as Stanislavski maybe, those kind of ways into acting, those kind of basic tools.

The question I wanted to ask you is, who do you think will win Big Brother this year? Ooh, wow. Fanning. It's been America versus Britain this year, so Bobby Davro. Oh, is it Celebrity Big Brother? It's Celebrity Big Brother.

I had no idea this was going on. No, me neither, which makes this question quite taxing Well let me just say Bobby Davro's in the house Okay No not in the house And with the finger gesture It's just him Oh no there was a

What was that woman? Back Door Mother That's a film No no no There was a teenage lady. A teenage... Backdoor mum! Teenage Lady is another film. I can't remember her name now.

Teenage Lady. Can you be my backdoor mum at all? No. The point I'm trying to make is... Is that why you brought me here? Yes. Yes. Tonight, you will be...

Backdoor mum. Backdoor mum Backdoor mum I hope you're flexible No There's a TV show called 16 and Pregnant On MTV Are you talking about

Tea or Tequila No She got kicked out for Saying Hitler was right Yeah She was like He was alright He had a few problems

Motorways Well she also They always fucking come up that Don't they They had brilliant motorways Yeah but Hitler didn't invent motorways He did Maybe come up that don't they brilliant motorways yeah but Hitler didn't invent motorways

he did maybe if he did less fuss would you think though you think we'd forgive him you think it's like

no matter what you did Hitler you gave us the Autobahn life is a balance so yeah but that's the same excuse

Hitler wasn't all bad he was a vegetarian he wasn't he wasn't a vegetarian I will not have him be besmirching besmirching my vegetarian name.

He was... Do you know, talking... I think he was a terrible man. I'm glad you got such a... Are you... Wow. Are you vegan, Ash? Oh, no, it's on the card.

My sister-in-law is vegan. She's always posting things like, did you know this athlete was vegan? It's like, do I give a shit? But anyway... Right. It just came to her head the other night. like did you know this athlete was vegan it's like do I give a shit but anyway it just came to her head the other night she's posted

a recipe for vegan mac and cheese do you know how you make the cheese element by pureeing cashew nuts it's like that's disgusting man

just just accept you're not going to have cheese ever again you know what I mean torture yourself with fucking cashew nut paste. I'm on the verge of veganism and cheese. I'm coming out as a vegan, surely.

The cheese issue is bad. I'm sort of lowering myself into veganism very slowly, but the cheese is atrocious. They're vegan cheese. It's just atrocious. It's not a foodstuff a lot of the time. It's a mythical compound. It's awful.

It's something you'd use to put some, like, plastering up with. Yeah. So, who was going to win Big Brother? Say Bobby Davro. We'll go with Bobby Davro, yeah. Bobby Davro. Good call. Hooray.

Right, question two from Eli, then. Okay, so, Chris, you've been directing plays, is that right? Writing? I'm directing at the moment, yeah. And you're doing that at the moment? Yeah. Okay, so in terms of the casting process, what sort of... What's so funny? I don't know. I'm hard to take you seriously in a tie-dye T-shirt, but no.

In terms of the casting, how do you go about casting? What kind of methods do you use? I'm pretty new age, social media, do a lot of that stuff. Put out a tweet, someone says yes please in the play. Right, so you say what kind of character you're after. Send out a little breakdown. Yeah, and that's on Facebook is it? On our website, on Twitter.

Okay, that's my question for now. Oh, wow, okay, that was very serious. I've got, I think there's ulterior motives, but I'm not sure. I don't know about him. Okay, here's another question. Again, I want you to think about this carefully. Would you rather experience a sharp pain in your side every time someone says your name,

or have a big bell sound every time you get an erection. If you had to have one of those forever in your life would you rather have a sharp pain your side every time someone says your name ladies and gentlemen Chris Mayo! Thank you very much! Or every time you're aroused You hear a Dong Wouldn't it be more like Ding Is that Everyone hears it

Is that serving as a warning Or is that You might be Or is that An encouragement When does it When does the bell actually go off Once he's achieved full

Is it a safety precaution No It's every time you You get Full tumescence Everyone runs out of their houses To the town square To gather Around Chris But Again Yeah get full Tumas and Skunk. Everyone runs out of their houses to the town square together.

Around Chris. Again, we will go with the bell. Mama, mama, the bell it sounds. Chris is happy tonight. Also, it's a pun. I like a pun. Bell bell. It's not quite as kind of a pun.

It's a bell and bell. That wasn't what I was going for that was the pun I think for niche every comic needs a niche on stage watch this you're going to love this ladies and gentlemen

that'd be your out out bit like Mickey Flanagan's got that you'd have just a big bell going on your big closer lots of women screaming when they finish yeah

oh god no I don't I can't I would like to meet the man who would choose the pain in his side every time

I'm so overweight I get that pain when you talk in general hello ah yeah just add in

to all the others yeah yeah you don't want it I'd rather have the bell yeah alright question

from Eli then. So, Chris, I'm an actor. And so, you know, what's one of the characters in the play that you're doing now? Very tall.

Yeah. We can work with that. So, what's he like? What's this sort of thing? It's a play about mental health Ooh, ooh, ooh No

Not Planet of the Apes Not Planet of the Apes he likes I can do mad That's not mad I'm mad I'm mad me That's one of the negative things associated with mental health issues Is that people think they've become Quasimodo, apparently.

Oh, the bell! That was a Christmas one. Dumb. So what? I could do it, couldn't I? Did you see that? I looked pretty crazy. It's very intimidating, yeah. I just thought I could wear... I could get some stilts. They won't notice that.

And it might add a sort of certain... Like a certain gravitas. Short guy on stilts. They won't notice that. And it might add a certain gravitas. Short guy on stilts. Oh, man! How's this working for you? Ooh! Like a mentally ill circus performer. Yeah.

Ooh! It's not... It's most of the script you wrote for someone saying ooh. Yeah. Because he's got that covered. It's a monologue, so... Yeah. Oh, that's perfect, because I'm really shit-working with other people. That's because you don't get the chance to work with other people a lot.

That's my question, thank you. There you go. Do you have a question for Chris? Chris, how? Why? Why is my question. Why is a better question. So when is the show on and where is it?

It's on the 7th to the 14th of November at Proud Archivist in Hackney. Lovely. That is the answer. That's the answer. Fully answered. Well, there you go. There you go.

I don't know. I feel like Chris may get something out of this. What's the name of the show? Chris? In My Head. In My Head. In My Head. No, no, in your head, in Chris's head. No, no, I know.

Moving on. Chris, thank you for being our guest. You are now settled in. We can now begin with the next part of the show that apparently involves a freezer. Good freezer. What's the next bit? It's The Price of Shite.

Oh! This is my favourite bit. The price of shite is a game we do where one of us goes into a charity shop, buys three items, and then we have to guess the price of the items he bought. And it comes with a jingle, doesn't it, Eli? It certainly does, Paul. If you need a bell, just tickle me. Right.

So, do your jingle for the price of shite. Well, I always thought we'd have some audience participation with the jingle. Right. So, what I'm going to do is I'm going to get the audience and you to help me with the jingle. Right. This is how the jingle goes. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite.

It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. So what I'm going to do is I'll do the it's the fucking. Yeah. And then I want the audience to go, price of shite. That's all you do. When I point at you, price of shite.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. You ready? Yeah. Here we go. Oh, it's the fucking. Price of shite.

It's the fucking. Price of shite. It's the fucking... Price of shite. It's the fucking... Price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking Price of shite. And that's right. Good. Welcome to the Price of shite, everybody. I think, actually, this is the cheapest cheap show we've ever done. I mean, in terms of everything. So here's your first item. What is...

Oh. Wow. Look at this beauty. This is... Yeah, speak to the microphone. A children's water bottle, stroke flask. Oh. It's in lovely primary green, yellow and red colours in plastic.

It's still got a little sticker saying checked, so it's safe. Yeah. And... It's filled with the it's known as it's called cello splash that's like a prog rock album playmates it also says there oh playmates a well-known brand for making this kind of pat lunch okay so this is a playmate one yeah i love that i think it's an america i might be wrong, but it looks like an American item as well. Oh, look at the detailing on it. It's got like a little, it's got a plastic cup, drinking cup lid,

and then you've got a proper screw top, which is attached with a chain, which is the body of the rest of the flask. That's a nice, does it smell of death? It smells a bit of curry, but... Curry in a child's toy flask. Re-eatable curry. It might have been a student buy for a festival. And it's got a lovely, attractive...

What is that called? Strap. A strap. Slightly soiled. It's a slightly soiled strap. I'm beginning to think he's bought everything for tonight off the same man. That T-shirt... He killed the hippie.

He killed it 40 years ago. You were at Latitude, He killed the hippie. He killed him 40 years ago. You were at Latitude, you killed a hippie. You could get, but it's got quite a high capacity. You could get a lot of vodka in there. That is a good litre's worth of... It's a litre, yeah. See how he instantly goes, not tea, coffee, super, vodka. You put a lot of vodka in there.

But look, I mean, I'm at the festival. I'm at Glaston. Who's your friend? Not you! If I saw someone like you walk up to me at a festival like that, I would be like, no, I need to get away. You look like big St Bernard.

I could do dogs as well, if you ever leave any dogs. Woof. Woof. Alright, so that's item one. That's item one. Now, put it on the floor. We need prices. So the point, well, that's the game, isn's item one. Now, we need prices. Are we going to do that now? Well, that's the game, isn't it Paul? Price of Shite. Fucking hell. There it is.

It's a stickler for rules, Chris. So, what we need is a guess on how much I paid for the Playmate flask. Ash is going to be our administrator here and take down the scores. So, Chris, if you'd like to... Charity shop? It was a charity shop, yes. Which one? Raise My Voice Foundation, otherwise known as Funds to ISIS.

What? No. That's too much. It's hard to tell what they actually do. I think they support people who stand up to tyrannism. That's as good as any. Okay, so, Chris, go first. £3.25.

£3.25. And Paul? I'm going to say two quid. Two quid. I don't get to have a column. Oh, because you bought it, didn't you? I bought all three items. You can put the right answers in that column.

You have lost. And I'm going to say £1.50. £1.50. Anyone going to divert from that? £1.75. lost um and i'm gonna say i'm gonna say one pound fifty one fifty one fifty anyone gonna uh divert from that one pound seventy five one pound seventy five says one pound seventy five okay any other any any other guesses 50p the lady in the audience says 50p okay we're gonna move on to our next item oh now is it a pizza no because it looks like a massive pizza box. It looks like a pizza box, but in fact, it's what's known as standard arithmetrix. Arithmetrix.

Arithmetrix. Now, this was proudly made... In Britain. In Britain, because you've got a little Union Jack on it. It's a racist toy. Because it's got a flag on it, it doesn't make it racist. It sort of does, doesn't it? Only if that flag's got a swastika on it. It's got a ladybird on the front.

It sort of does, doesn't it? But anyway... Only if that flag's got a swastika on it. It's got a ladybird on the front. I don't know what that means. Is there anything sort of extraordinary about it? Or is it standard? It is the standard version of Rhythm of Trit. Knock some money for my guess.

It's a maths game. And let's just open this up. It's quite a sturdy box. That's what she... No, no. Yeah, no. Part of this toy is... I don't think he's ever opened it. He doesn't's what she... No, no. Yeah, no. Part of this toy... I don't think he's ever opened it.

He doesn't know what's in it, I imagine. This is like watching a monkey take a scientific exam. A scientific exam? I don't know. Examination. I'm going to add my favourite cup of tea. Yeah. Just count how many nonsense things Paul spews.

This is definitely open, because this is five minutes in now. Do you need help from an adult? No. There's palpable tension in the room. There's open. So, it's convo... There's bags. Lovely little fake tartan bags. Is it number scrabble? It looks to be number scrabble.

There's a ladybird on this thing as well. It's number scrabble. It's number scrabble. It looks to be number Scrabble. Oh, there's a ladybird on this thing as well. It's number Scrabble. It's number Scrabble. Here's the board. Yeah, look, there's loads of numbers. It's laminated. Is laminated, did you say?

Is laminated. Is laminated. It's good. Easy play. Now, I don't particularly want to play this. No. It looks like Scrabble, but with all the fun removed. It is.

It's Math Scrabble. Oh, look, there's a green one in my white one. OK. I think this is terrifying. So we need to show the board. It looks like a crossword puzzle, but with numbers on. This has never been played at all. And do you know what the company that made Arithmetrix is called?

Boring Ink. Chemo Check. Oh. What? Chemo Check. I've got it. I know what it is. Is this like what they give to sick kids?

Yep. Is it? It's for hospitals so they can do schooling in hospital, isn't it? Well, that's low at the time. Is it? Yeah, it's made it a bit depressing. Really? Yeah, yeah.

We're making fun of a dying child's educational tool. I hope you paid very well for it, Eli. Yeah. Okay, so... There's some hospital going, little Billy's dying, get the arithmetic cell. Right, so there's the game. You can see it's probably extremely boring, the game.

It looks dull. It looks very dull, but... Nice bags. The tile bags, you can put a Mac in there. Manimal, when he's in small form. Right, so Arithmetrix by Chemo Check. Shall I go first? I'm going to say this was 75 pence.

75 pence. Chris? One pound, exactly. One pound on the nose. And Paul, what's your guess here? I'm going to say 150. Has that been said? No. No? I'm going to say £150 Has that been said? No

No, I'm going to say £150 then And what does the audience think? £3 £3 What would you think that thing you didn't really see properly cost? £2 £2 She's going with you

No Okay, are we ready for you? I'm only 75p And the last bit of crap tonight is This is the pièce de résistance, people Yeah This is some proper odious shit Get ready for it

This is tat attack Tat Look at this fucking thing It is a teddy bear snow globe In a pastel aeroplane. Is that milk in there? It's horrible. It's turned really fusty.

The water is bad. It's like the teddy bear has been urinating in the water. Who's selling that? Why are they selling that? Imagine giving that. Oh, I'm so... That came from the same ward as this. Did you go to a hippie in a hospital ward

and basically just take everything out of his cupboard? Why would a hippie? That would give him nightmares. Oh, Jenny, I'm so pleased you've had the baby. I've bought you this. So what we have here is a teddy bear. Barely. He's in there somewhere, but it's like barely. In a snow globe, but the snow globe is sitting in the cockpit of a cartoon plane made of plastic,

and it's pastel coloured. Just to give the listeners a, you know... That water is fetid. Well, that's why the kid was in hospital. He'd sifted it. That's awful. Quick, get him the chemo check. Now, that is truly a horrendous thing. That is awful.

Just think, there was a factory somewhere where they made that. Here's another one. 300,000 of these oh what yes i was going to say oh does it wind up oh that's okay oh my god this is grabbing a peak moment this is a nightmare toy it's got a tune in it sorry sorry for any headphone listeners that just burst their eardrums you know what actually This is from Europe. Let's put this through the microphone because people need to hear this. This is from Russia, Chernobyl.

This is all from Chernobyl. It's gone. Yeah, you can't... The magic, he released the magic from it. Can you imagine wandering around Chernobyl now into some sort of abandoned hospital and you just collected all of these items, the tie dye, the...

You now, the spirit is in you, Eli. That's the last bit of energy. Yeah, that might have been the last. Is it? So, you could replace that battery. Well, the market value has gone straight down. Yeah. I'm sorry, I wasted it.

I think it got picked up on the recording. That is my last item. It's the pissy water bear globe plane ornament. Actually, no. The bear has got a duck riding on him. Pecking at him. He's got a little duck that seems to be attacking him. Chernobyl.

It's growing out of him. Well, that's what's happening. Oh, hey, hey. It's me, it's me, it's me, it's me. Whoa. The spirit is in the room. The spirit is in the room. The spirit is in the room. Darn.

Oh, it's gone again. No, no. Is that my phone? Oh. It's like making a David Lynch film, man. It's kind of screechy. It's horrible. Paul, what are you saying?

It's a nightmare object. I'm gonna say 75p for that. Wow. Bang on. That went down quite a bit in value over the years. Chris? I'm going to say £2 and your soul. So you, Chris, has gone...

I think Chris is far too over the... He's gone over. And I'm going to say, like, 25p, I think. Oh, doesn't have much faith in that at all. They're still coming. So those are our three items. Yes. And you'll see, Paul, I've picked stuff that no one wants.

Unlike you, who goes, oh look, it's a book on a subject I'm interested in. How much is it? Who cares? I'm keeping it. Yeah. You twat. We have our different ways of doing things. No one wants this.

No. No one wants this. No, a hospital wants that. You've nicked it. What's the problem? It's a dying kid wanting to learn wants this. No, a hospital wants that. You've nicked it. That's the problem. It's a dying kid wanting to learn basic maths. Okay, so let's see who's the winner of tonight's Price is Right. Okay, so Chris went in a whopping £6.25 in total.

Oh, I don't know what the total is. Oh. Right, let's just do it one at a time and see how it goes. I'm sorry that I did that, everyone. No, it's good. You can do maths. Let's just do it one at a time and see how it goes. I'm sorry that I did that. It's good. You can do maths. That's good. Right. One at a time. Starting with the flask. Flask. Chris said. Three pound twenty five. Paul said. Two pounds. Ash said. One pound fifty. It was 50p. Wow! That lady was right.

She was right. You win the flask, madam. You win. No, he wants that for his curry. You say, I buy things no one wants. You're going to keep that? Yeah, but this is super cool, man. It's not. Grow your beer, wear NHS glasses and open up a cafe-serving cereal

and then you can keep it. Does that exist? Yeah, fill it with milk and top it with a bowl. You said £3.25. I know, a mug. It wasn't that. That's what you pay in one of those shishy shops, though, isn't it? I thought I was saying how much you'd pay for it.

Like, now I'll buy it. Oh. OK, so who was closest on that? Me. Me, I said £1.50. Oh, yeah, he did. OK, so £1.20, Ash Me, I said £1.50. So one point to Ash in the official game. Now we move on to Arithmatrix.

Arithmatrix. Arithmatrix. I said 75p. He said 75p. I said £1.50. And Chris said £1.00. It was £2.50. £1.50. And Chris said £1. It was £2.

Oh! So you win the hospital children's ward toy. And a life of guilt. Yeah. I'm learning so they can't. Now, this is what it's all about, though, really, isn't it? This is the big money item. The nightmare toy with the flying duck teddy, whiny snow globe.

Piss water. Piss water. Yeah. Paul went 75 pence. Yeah. I went 25 pence. Chris went two pounds. He's money. Sorry, who had the point from the last round?

Me. No, Paul. So Paul's got two nil. Is it Paul? No, he's got one. I've got one. Scrooge McDuck here. Okay, so if either of you two get another point here,

you would be the winner. Otherwise, it's a three-way draw if Chris was closest on this one. The cost was £1.25. Christ almighty. So, we all get a point. I think what we should do is, to tie-breaker, is whoever can get that T-shirt off you. Whoever wants to get that T-shirt.

I don't want to touch him, frankly. No, we need to come up with a way of winning. No, we needed to think about this before we did the show. Well, me and also me and Paul are... We are... No, Paul's won. Oh, yeah, what's the overall cost? It was his closest overall.

So what's the overall cost of all the things all together? The overall cost of all the things all together. £3.75. And so, yeah, it was a close one. £3.75 and so yeah it was a close £3.75 so I win on points poor well done

that's all that matters I win that's all that matters right that's good that's good that you added up the totals in the end

then we know who was closest overall works even if you've got a three way thing tie on the points. Brilliant.

Brilliant. That's what I bring to the table. So I looked at, because, yeah, remember last time I came up with a way of just saving money

in your day-to-day life and it was the big sort of thing that we took away from it was that if you have a dog you can actually now knit with dog hair. There's a book called

Knitting with Pet Hair and you can buy that book for about tenner. It was mainly dogs, yeah. If you had any interesting cats, he wasn't saying it. On Amazon, you can buy it. It's a genuine book that you can buy. And so I thought, like, what's the biggest expense that you have? Because I got married, like, nine years ago.

Divorced about three years ago. Still paying for the wedding. Love it. Boom. And so, ago, still paying for the wedding, love it. Boom. And so yeah, marriages are probably the most, the biggest expense. They're expensive, yeah. They are.

So you're suggesting all the- I'm suggesting don't bother. Yeah. No, but I've sort of looked at ways that you could save money on your wedding day. And I don't know if people want to take this. Are you married, Chris? I'm not married.

Well, maybe take some of this. You can... So, look, the big expenses are wedding dress, the cake, the venue, the car, the sort of meal. I don't know what the... What's that called? Like the wedding meal. Dinner.

And the bridesmaids. Food, food. Nosh pit. So I went on. So nosh pit is... That's a good... That'd be a good hipster restaurant. Nosh pit.

You just throw burgers at them. Hey, heavy metal nosh pit. That's fucking genius. Yes, see. Or you backdoor mum. Backdoor mum appear at the nosh pit this Thursday. Sounds the best night out I've ever had. Wedding cake is the first thing. So I? Sounds the best night out I've ever had.

Wedding cake is the first thing. So I went on the money-saving expert, you know Martin Lewis? Yeah. So he can save you about anything. He suggests using the £7.50 Lidl pre-iced wedding sponge. And I thought, if you... I mean, I'm all for saving money on any occasion, but I think if you're buying your wedding cake from Lidl,

you probably don't love your partner enough to be getting married. It's my my thought um the venue uh so i looked at um like some places where people are suggesting odd places to get married for cheap uh and it said a couple of years ago anna and chris corrales held their wedding reception at a petrol station managed by the groom uh the guests all gathered on the forecourt this is you can check it on google there's pictures of it everything um the lights are on 24 7 and they purchase snacks and drinks from the on-site shop that's genuine if you google that if you get google like wet um petrol station wedding you

can see them all sitting on the forecourt, they're having their first dance on the forecourt of Earth. Who, what, they've just got a car stereo system? I guess, he doesn't mention

that, but I imagine that's the kind of thing that it was, yeah. Those shops are famously the most expensive.

Yeah, that's true, you'd have to go to one with a Tesco attached, so, but yeah, imagine that, we're getting

married, where? At work. What? On the forec attached. But yeah, imagine that. We're getting married. Where? At work. What? On the forecourt. Call Bob. Where's Bob? He's running late.

No, no phones. You're not allowed to use your phone in the petrol station. It's all that. Should we smoke cigars? Can't smoke. No. It's a terrible place to get married.

No cigars. What aisle? Where do you walk down the aisle? How does that all work? Down aisle four. Yeah. Down the pot noodle aisle. Yeah, the pot noodle aisle.

It's got to be. It's a latex glass. And as you come out, everyone's firing hoses of petrol into the air as you walk underneath the arch. Setting fire to it. Here comes the fire brigade. I just have the...

I love the idea that all the way through it they would have had to stop while just like a car pulls up ding ding it's well worth googling and having a look at those pictures the next one I found was Alicia and Rob Conover decided to marry

in the Illinois asylum for the incurably insane now that is disused and has been for a long time it was closed and abandoned decades previously, which sounds like the scariest place on earth. Yeah, because you'd be in there and go, and their brilliant quote,

the brilliant quote from Rob was, they told us 25 years ago that we were crazy, and now here we are. Oh. In an abandoned asylum. Disgusting, yeah asylum disgusting yeah absolutely disgusting the other thing is the buffet that was the word I was looking for

I did some investigating and it turns out you know Pret a Manger the sandwich shop they pass out 12,000 food items to the homeless in London every week which is brilliant that makes me like them a little bit more. I think just stand

at the back of a prep, dressed as a homeless guy, collect it in. And get married at the same time. And maybe get married. I mean, I don't know if you...

You can also get free coffee if they fancy you. Boom. Did you know this? Yeah, they can. How did you ever find that out? Because they fancy me. No.

No. But yeah. No, I did once. I went in? Because they fancy me. No. No. No, I did once. I went in and my contactless didn't work. And I went, oh. Your contactless chat-up line. Just where you press your crutch against... Just... Can I have a coffee?

Can I have a coffee? Yeah, take it and get out. It's very tender, Eli. No, my... It's very tender. My debit card didn't work. Yeah. So I left and she ran after me.

That's how fucking gagging for it she was. Give us back that coffee. She said, you can have it. I was like, da da da. Like I say, they give out 12,000 items to the homeless every... It wasn't his credit card. It was a piece of plastic he found. He was pushed against the machine.

What about that guy you saw who got on a... Oh yeah, there's a guy you saw who got on a... Oh yeah, there's a guy I saw who got on a bus and his Oyster card wasn't working, so he decided just to go, beep, and walk on. He made the sound himself. I'm just thinking he should have gone into it a bit more and just gone, do-do-do-do-do, and then went, beep. Oh, my mistake.

Did the guy let him on the bus? I can't remember now, I think so. He shouldn't have. Because it was like late night bus, so it was kind of like, let him on, or have a ton of grief. Yeah. You know, and you've done that, where it's like, please mate, let me on. Blah. Yeah, there was that one time I vomited into the change

drawer. Where I went, kill, blah. Like that. And then he was like, get off the bus! Get off the fucking bus! Like that. And I was like, no mate, no, no, no, mate, no. Started crying. Yeah, and then I gave him the fare and he gave me the change.

And I went, hang on, I gave you a tenner. So I was arguing with him, but it wasn't good. It wasn't a good look. No. No. Well, there you go. This is probably my favourite thing that I found. Because, like, it's a really weird thing,

the outlay for bridesmaids dresses you know you have to pay like oh I've looked here the average cost of a bridesmaid dress say you had three bridesmaids which I think is about average it's between £97 and £130 on average so if we take like £110 for a bridesmaid's dress that's £330 just on the dress alterations of a dress is about £40 each. It's very unlikely you're going to buy one that fits each by the way. So that's about another £120. Accessories, you spend about, on average, £20 on accessories for your bride's wedding. Like earrings or whatever.

Earrings, necklaces. Scrunchies. Scrunchies, that kind of thing. So that's another £60. In the 80s, yeah, maybe. Scrunchies are real. No, they are, but most people who wore them were in 80s montages in ski movies in America. Ski movies?

Yes. What's a ski movie? Movie set in a ski house. Name one. Ski school. Well done. How about you? Ski school, two, three, four.

That's quite a lot of money, obviously, just to have your friends be bridesmaids. So what I looked at, so it's very expensive to pay for your three best friends. So what I did was I found a website called WeddingEscort.nl which is a place in Holland where you, where are you ladies from?

Are you? Argentina. Argentina, okay. They, I wasn't suggesting, by the way. We don't do bridesmaids. No, it's fine. All of a sudden I felt like I was accusing them. We just thought you might be Dutch because we did a version of praise meeting no it's fine all of a sudden I feel like I was accusing we just thought

you might be Dutch because we did a version of this show a couple of years ago was it last year it was last year and there was

shit loads of Dutch ladies in there just thought it would be weird if you were but you're not so Wedding Escorts

NL is they are for want of a better word prostitutes that would come to a wedding with you and then spend the evening with you. That's nice. Yeah, but do they actually have sex as well? I don't think they have to, Eli.

Well, if I'm fucking... I'll pay for you. Can I ask a question there? So, hang on. So, you want to get married. Yeah. And you haven't got a bridesmaid. Yeah.

Or a partner. Yeah. So, you phone them up and they give you an escort for the night yes that's basically it if you want to have you've hired these

so you get married to the escort so my idea is this right you you you it's unbelievably cheap for this

I've never I just I'm amazed by how cheap it's £60 for 8 hours bargain so I looked into it right quite substantial the escort It's 60 pounds for eight hours. Bargain. So I looked into it, right?

Quite substantial. The escort says 60 pounds, so that's 180 pounds if you had three Dutch prostitutes come to the wedding and be your bridesmaids. Lovely. Flight from Amsterdam to London Luton, a 37 pound return. I did this in November Tuesday in November coming up that's £111

for the three prostitutes to get there that got them there at 9.30 they left at 9.30 in the morning Dutch time they arrived at about

10 o'clock UK time so you sound like you've done this I'm just I've done the he's got his logistics and they go home

about 3.30 they'd be back in Holland. So they've had the wedding. They could turn some tricks that evening. They could turn some tricks, they could do whatever. Pick up some extra money. That works out at £291 to fly three prostitutes from Holland to your wedding. They come dressed in wedding clothing.

They do. That's what I was going to ask. Weddingescorts.nl. They're made up, they're dressed. Yeah, but is it like Latex ones Or sort of skinky Whatever you want They could ruin the tone

Of your wedding On the website On the website You can choose which one Yeah you can There's a whole list of It's like a blind bag Where you just suddenly get

Three random people You can pick You can pick the ladies By the way I am just Make sure we've recorded this Because if my girlfriend Goes on my computer

And sees that I've Been on Dutch Prostitutes.com It's tuck the doctor ball dear but so in the uk if you did it like normally 510 pounds if you fly over the dutch prostitutes 291 pounds now that's a saving that's a saving of 219 pounds brilliant wow i think that's the best research you've ever done like i said i've got to cover the basis of that on my history um and then like a big expense as well is the wedding dress isn't it so i thought where can you find like a cheap wedding dress you don't want it you know it's

only ever going to be more wise from abroad no see yeah i thought that i did think about that but i thought this one is better because um story I saw on August 20th, 1989, handsome, clean-cut brothers Lyle and Eric Mendez shot their parents, Jose and Kitty, while they were asleep in bed in their Mediterranean-style Beverly Hills mansion, which sounds like it's going to be a bit of a downer, this story, don't they? Kill their bones. Towards the end of the Mendez brothers' highly publicised first trial,

model and Playboy playmate Anna Erickson saw Lyle on TV and felt compelled to write to him. I am, she told People magazine in 1996, a fabulous letter writer. The two began writing back and forth and eventually Erickson moved to Los Angeles to be closer to Mendes. She visited him in LA's men's central jail and they decided to wed.

How romantic. This is the love story of our era. They were married during a telephone ceremony on the day of the sentencing. But, but, Erickson has since divorced him after learning he was corresponding with another woman. What? I mean, he was convicted of murdering his parents, that's fine.

Yeah. He hadn't touched another woman. He just wrote her a letter. He wrote her a letter. He married another prison correspondent in 2003. He gets about, doesn't he, considering he's banged up? Yeah, he's getting more than Any one of us In 2010

Ericsson auctioned her wedding dress On eBay Listing the item's condition as As new It eventually sold to A fan In inverted commas For $600

Wow Nice I mean that's not cheap But I think That's I'm perfectly You've got a story $600 for a wedding dress

Is probably That's about 400 quid Comes in an evidence bag Exactly And get it out And that I believe Is how you

Do a wedding for cheap Thank you very much Ash And now On to the final part of the show That we simply call Cheap Eats Cheap Eats. Cheap Eats, everybody. Now we've got a special Cheap Eats this time.

We do. Are you going to tell us what it is? Can you eat plastic? Yeah, that's what I'm going to go for. No. There is a universal law in this country that seemingly states there's only one type of ketchup and that's Heinz 57 is it 57 57 varieties there was never 57 varieties no do you know what I read the story about this why why they why it says 57 varieties yeah it's because he saw some advertising Mr Heinz in the late

John John Heinz it was something like that okay yeah one of of the men. Jack Hines. He was good friends with Mr. Allsorts, licorice. Yeah. And, yeah, he saw some advertising that said sort of 27 types of shoes. He said, I like that. I'll have that. For my ketchup. For my ketchup, yeah. He just stole...

He just said, oh, it's good, isn't it? It's good advertising. It looks good, isn't it? Yeah. 57 varieties. And, in fact, you know know there's over 5,900 different types of Heinz products

recipes no Heinz products worldwide oh all sorts there's got beans beans with sausages raviolis

spaghetti hoops are we going to do all 5,000 no let's just not there's also a very there's a myth as well that says you know like

in this country we have flake 99 the ice cream and you have a flake and they call it 99 the reason why allegedly is because the flake was the 99th chocolate bar invented by Cadbury's. I don't know if that's true, but that's just what I heard.

Anyway, the point being is that we're going to do a test today to find out if this is true. First of all, we've got the Heinz, right? We're going to test the Heinz. But I've also got its main competitor in the UK, Daddy's. Daddy's. Daddy's ketchup sauce. So So we've got Heinz. We've got daddies. Daddies. Some people swear by daddies. I bet they fucking do. I would never swear by my daddy. But what? Be furious. We were in Lidl

buying this stuff, right, for the show. And you know, Heinz is quite expensive but if you go to Pallan Lange you can get them for a quid or whatever. Daddies about the same. Yeah, I guess we've got the point But I thought, I went into Lidl and they had this Kanya Tomato ketchup, but it said on the advertising Better than brand Can you eat it?

Can you tell the difference? I bet you can't Here's the thing though, right What brand were they talking about? Russell brand perhaps? We'll never know I can't believe that's how you open those packagings. So it's a life hack mate. Here's what we're gonna do we're gonna test all three of these blind and you're gonna say A which is your favourite and

B which is you think is the highest product. So you can't look you've got to look over there. I can do my audition piece now. Okay. Oh, I'm hearing voices, they're telling me to stop doing this bit. I'm hearing something behind me, I don't like the sound of it. Yeah, I can hear it. Paul's got the ships. Oh, the voices and the snow globes full of poopy bits. Oh, I'm flying.

Are you thinking that this is an ABCDEFG song or are you thinking that this is ABCDEFG song or are you thinking twinkle twinkle little star it's twinkle twinkle little star it is twinkle twinkle

are you sure it's not ABCDEFG same song that's the same song of course it is right can we stop doing that right so

do we get to eat it yes we do yeah we do I read this whole article oh my god. Chips! You've got to have chips! We've been here for an hour.

You get fed on this show! Do you get them in the charity shop as well? There's actual chips from McDonalds. Proper chips from McDonalds. They're still very warm. Eli, you can go first. Take a chip, dip each of one in your own time and then you know think yeah go on let's just see now what do you make of that actually yeah everyone take a chip first and then we can all do the taste we'll go for number

one yeah yeah so this is number one I know which one this is this is barbaric Paulie's freezing cold I warned I would say that's almost certainly not the Heinz okay OK, so... And you've got way too much sweetness coming out of it, so I'd say that is probably... I'm going to go for that, can you? Yeah, that's too vinegary. Do you know what?

That is vinegar. Do you know why? Red vinegar. Do you know why Heinz is the market leader and the ultimate Don ketchup? Amplitude, mate. No, where are we going with amplitude? Amplitude.

I've read this article. Once. Once. I read the article. Chris is going back in. I'm going to go back in with Chris. It's just, it's got the vinegar and the sweet poking out.

No, not for me. Amplitude, if food's got a high amplitude, it means all the flavours are mixed into one big gestalt that you can't tell different flavours. It's just the flavour of ketchup. All one big thing.

The tone of it, so to speak. And for me, the sweet and the vinegar are peaking out. They're poking right out on that, aren't they, basically? He knows his shit. These guys have not got the best men working on this. No, it's not good. That wasn't good. One out of the way.

These are all within date. Yeah, they're all brand new. They're all... We brought these today, brand new We brought these today Take a chip each Because we're going to do number two now Oh we're not doing number two on stage Well debatably we have been doing number two

For the last hour There you go, try number two Give it a dip Everyone in That's the Heinz That's it That's the Heinz, it's it. That's the Heinz. It's nice. I'm not committing on that. I don't know. I don't.

Alright. What do you make of the flavour though, Ash? It's better than number one, right? It's Heinz wannabe, but it might be Heinz better. It's not. It's got a better amplitude. It's got a better amplitude. I'm not going to ever shut up about amplitude Paul alright wait until number three it's got more of an overall there's still a bite but it's further back

on your tongue Chris what do you think it's pretty close but let's see it's better than number one we can all agree it's better than number one alright

Ash and Chris aren't committing but you're definitely saying it's Heinz come on you're going to man up you're going to man up I haven't tried number three yet you're going to man them all up haven't... You're going to man up. I haven't tried number three yet. You're going to man them all up.

We need to try three. I'd say, yeah, I'd say that probably is the Heinz. Okay, so take a chip. We're going to go for the third and final. If it's not the Heinz, it's the daddies, isn't it, basically? These chips are somehow colder than room temperature. Look at what you expect. All right, use your finger then.

No. No, there you go. All right, third and final. Here it goes. No. No. Oh. That's smoky. Smoky? Yeah, yeah. Sm you go, right, third and final. Here it goes. No. No. Oh. That's smoky.

Smoky? Yeah, yeah. Smoky, you say? Number two is the Heinz. Number three is like chip shot. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, so what would you, but what? Ugh, smoky.

Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to. The spice is too, it's kind of a musty spice. Tastes like a. Musty spice is your aftershave. Oh, I joined in. I didn't mean to. Hey, you're getting it, Ash.

I'm sorry, Eli. I didn't mean that. No, you didn't. It's not unpleasant, but it's not right. It is, but smoky is definitely the... Yeah. Okay. So I would say that number three is better than number one, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Tastes better, generally. Yeah. That's just got a... Vinegary MasterChef. This has got a vinegary. Kutcher, Heinz.

Daddies. Daddies. That's what I'm going for as well. Daddies. Okay. Kutcher, Heinz, Daddies. Can't you? Can you?

Can you? Can you? Can you? Can you West? Can you West? Kutcher, would you? Kutcher, would you? Heinz.

Kutcher. Did you see when I tasted the Heinz, I just said immediately that's Heinz. Yeah. Because I've got the amplitude. Yes. Right. Yes. Same. Yeah. Right, okay, so. You're saying Kanye, Heinz, Daddies.

That's what we're all saying. You're saying... I'm saying Kanye, Heinz, Daddies. I'm going to say the same thing. We're all in agreement here. It's a, yeah, pack mentality. Okay, so we're going to start with this one. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the daddies. Oh! Daddies! That's the daddies. That's disgusting. Who's not the daddy? It's these guys. And do you know what?

That's far... It's the Pepsi of ketchup. Yeah, it is. It's too sweet. It's too sweet. It might have the Pepsi in it. I want to... What are the ingredients?

Tomatoes, it tops. Dogs, cats. Glucose fructose is the second biggest ingredient. Then syrup, then spirit vinegar, then sugar. Spirit vinegar. Yeah, so it literally goes glucose, fructose, syrup, spirit vinegar, sugar. And daddy's own shit. Daddy's own shit. But here's own shit. Daddy's own shit.

But here's the one. The middle one. If that is the Kanye, I will be... I will honestly eat my hat. Hold on. With some ketchup. What's it going to be? Just tell us.

What's it going to be, ready? Tell us. It is... It's the Kanye. I know it. I know it. And the final one was the Kanye. Now that's a surprise because that's nicer than Daddy's.

Is it? Would you say it was nicer than Daddy's? Yeah. You say nicer than Daddy's? Yeah, I think Chris absolutely nailed it. Chris, you have won tonight the Kanye tomato ketchup prize. But wait, the game is not yet over for we have one more card to play in the Cheap Eats Fangoria. No.

Sauce special. That was terrible from Daddy. If it's mayonnaise, it's gonna take a dark turn. You had mayonnaise? When it comes to sauces, when it comes to accoutrements, we have salt and pepper. We have milk and water. We have ketchup and brown sauce.

So we're going to do the brown sauce challenge. Oh, I hate brown sauce. So for American listeners, for we have many, brown sauce is HP sauce. And what is it? It's a spicy sauce. It's a fruity, spicy sauce. It's a fruity, spicy, dark brown sauce. Daddy's brown sauce is one of the greatest things.

Yeah, Daddy's brown sauce. Does it matter which way? No. Sounds like chapter five in the Fred West book. It's a whole new world for me to do this. I'm glad I could have been part of that for you. My eight year old son. Okay. Okay, let's do it. So, do you know what my prediction is? Wait. Daddy's is going to taste awful. Well, here's the thing. We've got brown sauce HP and we've got the Daddy's. I nearly licked my finger there. That would have been cheating wouldn't it? So here we go. Look,

look, look over there. There's only two. There's only two here. There's only two. There's only so much sauce I'm willing to buy. There's only so much of this shit people will listen to as well. Or sit through. Anyway, we're almost there everybody. You've battled on bravely. We've battled on. I just hope, it's been fucking fun I just hope the recording quality is good enough for us to broadcast it God no it won't be this is just us

talking to you here we go the brown sauce finale which was another video I once bought take a chip gentlemen I really don't like

brown sauce you don't you can sit this out then no I want to do it I'm getting in all you I want to do it. I'm getting in. All you've got to do is, A, again, pick which one you think is HP, the standard bearer, and which one you think is better.

Okay. Go for it. Just cleanse my palate. Get the amplitude sensors going. I'll give you amplitude. Oh, that strong smell of vinegar. I think that's HP. It's disgusting

You know like sometimes you go into an old person's house and there's that smell yeah It tastes like that tastes like Eli. It tastes like old person smell. It tastes like old person damp smell They should put that in the bottle If you sucked on your nan's cardigan again right You just sucked on your nan's cardigan. Again. Right. Sauce number two. See I'm a bit at sea with this, I'm not an expert here.

Oh I'm sorry you're not a sauce expert. I knew that was Heinz. I knew it was Heinz. Well that's got vinegar in it, that's Daddy's. It tastes exactly like the first bad tomato sauce. No. That's Daddy's. It tastes exactly like the first bad tomato sauce, I think. No.

No. That's there. Oh, that's very tart. I'd say Daddy's was number two, yeah. Daddy's number two. That is Daddy's number two. The old vinegar. Another film. The old vinegar trick.

So were we right? Oh, God, that's horrible. Yeah, it's really wallowing. Who's eating this? Brown sauce is great with sausage rolls, mate. No. You're not going to eat sausage rolls, so... HB1 vinegar, two. Daddy's.

Daddy's, two. Oh, so yeah, so what did you say? HB1 vinegar, two. HB1 vinegar, two. Daddy's, two. Brown sauce is great with sausage rolls mate No HP one vinegar two Daddy's two Daddy's vinegary strokes HP daddy's So the answer is You know your brown sauce is it is indeed HP Well done everyone

The only surprise was the little land brand Which was pretty good Well there you go. This is the thing. We've learned today that you don't have to buy top name brands to get a good ketchup out on your saucy bits. Can I just say, HP, top ingredient, tomatoes, then malt vinegar. Daddy's, first ingredient, spirit vinegar. Because that is entire business plan for vinegar.

Water it down with vinegar. Because that is the entire business plan for vinegar. Water it down with vinegar. Well, I'd just like to say at this point, if anyone would like lots of ketchup, I bought a lot for the sake of just filling a few pots. So if anyone would like daddy's ketchup tonight to go home with, you can have daddy's all over you. Also, if anyone has any friends

in the clergy who can do exorcisms and they'd like to take this flying snow globe bear off my hand and perhaps consecrate it and send it to hell. And on that note, it is time

to end the show. This has definitely been the cheapest cheap show we've ever done. The sound tech didn't work, the audience weren't here. Well, they were pretty good.

The people who were here were great. No, round of applause for yourselves. Some people. This is the first show we've only recorded ever on a phone.

Yeah, well, let's see if it works. Well, it will work because it's going out now. I've bought the web space. So that's my logic for everything.

I don't care about those dick pics. I bought the web space. Right, so if you want to follow us, you can on the internet. You can go to Twitter and go to at thecheapshowpod. You can also go to our website, www.thecheapshow.co.uk and subscribe to us on iTunes, Stitcher and SoundCloud. And you can download your pods instantly. just subscribe, just subscribe, just subscribe don't even have to listen

just subscribe just press a button once don't care if you never listen to us again just subscribe how about this just know the name of the show is Cheap Show and just type that into Google if they type Cheap Show as one word into Google

yeah you'll find it you can just fucking say that into Google. If they type Cheap Show as one word into Google, yeah, you'll find it. Yeah. Yeah, you'll find it. You can just fucking say that rather than WW this, W that, W fucking, I turned off.

Right. Personally, CheapShow.co.uk So you can follow us all. You can go to at Ash Frith. Yeah. A-S-H-F-R-I-D-H.

You can go to Eli Snoid. E-I-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's not even how you spell it. It is. E-L-I-S-N-R-I-T-H You can go to Eli Snoid E-I-L-I-S-N-O-I-D That's not even how you spell it It is, E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D Or you can follow Chris Mayo At Chris underscore Mayo Can I ask a question, one more question

Where can I see Chris Mayo's show again? Chris Mayo, why don't you tell everyone At the Proud Archivist in Hackney 7th to the 14th of November No, 7th to the 14th of November. No, 9th to the 14th of November. 9th to the 14th. And it's called In My Head, is that right? And it will not be starring Eli Silverman.

All right, all right, I've got some offers. Yeah, to get off the stage and leave the building. I can do Mute Elves. Then wait till Christmas. There's loads of jobs. I'm good at Mute Elves. And you get's loads of jobs I'm good at me and I get to sit on Santa's knee if this is the toy you give me out I'd give up the creepy creepy bear plane thing ladies and gentlemen that's been cheap sure I've been Paul Gannon that's been Ash Frith that's been Eli Silverman and that's

been Chris Mayo. Good night!